Season 1, Episode 9:
Wreckage in a Winter Wonderland
Part 5 of 6
As Diamond circled the ice rink atop the five
mile-an-hour Zamboni, Nick and
The snow was moving by so quickly, it was taking
all of Nick’s concentration to avoid slamming the sled into a snow bank, as he
struggled to learn the pulley controls of the bobsled. Suddenly, he caught a glimpse in front of
him, a blur of movement. He was sure it
was Dr. Rough.
“Lower!” Nick shouted, as best he could, back to
“Yikes, it looks easier than this on TV!” Nick
shouted, unsure if
“Not so bad!”
That’s because you’re sitting behind me, Nick thought.
The sled carrying Dr. Rough and Drums in his
Sasquatch suit came closer. “Ha!” Nick
laughed to himself. He was gaining on
them and was soon going to be in range.
Timing it so that he was on a straight path before he acted, Nick pulled
his Beretta from his lap, glad he hadn’t lost his favorite gun when the sled
had lurched, and quickly popped a few shots towards the sled in front.
Nick could not hear anything, but he watched
Drums’s hand fly to his head, and he thought he could see some red come
away. He had a handle on the controls
now, and it was a smooth movement to turn and then aim his gun. Squeezing the trigger, he was frustrated when
only one bullet fired, missing the lead sled wide, as they reached another turn
and curved away from the bullet.
“
“No, no room!” the answer came back.
Nick knew that he wouldn’t be able to reach his
spare pistol without losing complete control of the sled, but perhaps Styx
would be able to manipulate his way to Nick’s waist to grab the gun. “Grab my other gun at my hip!” he bellowed.
He could feel
“We tell no one of this!” he shouted, embarrassed
by what was transpiring in the sled.
“I got it!”
“Hand it over!” Nick wanted to be the one to fire, the one to
take these evildoers down.
“I can make the shot!”
Nick grumbled under his
breath. He was too busy to retort, but
he would make his junior partner pay for that remark, after they got their
victory here.
“Shitballs!” Nick
shrieked. With
Able to recover, Nick
noticed Dr. Rough’s and Drum’s sled slowing ahead of them. “Take the shot” he hollered.
“Fuck!” came the voice from
behind. “The gun was knocked out of my
hand during that last turn!”
Nick leaned further into the
sled, attempting to move closer; maybe he could slam into their sled and stop
them. When they were in range again, Dr.
Rough’s arm rose up out of the sled and lobbed something small and black
backwards, in their direction. Before he
could react appropriately, another black object flew towards them, and Nick
felt it fall into the small space between his back and
“What is it?” he asked.
“Looks like a… penguin…”
“Toss it!” Nick growled, the
snow disrupted from the first blast gaining on them.
It was apparent that
When he chanced a glance
over his shoulder, catching Dr. Rough and Drums was no longer on his mind. An avalanche was close behind, and getting
caught in that would be more deadly than being trapped in a pool filled with
sharks with giant laser beams on their heads.
The tall snowdrifts on
either side of them suddenly disappeared, and Nick could see blue sky and… “No, no, no!”
Nick shook his head. “CLIFF!!”
Thinking quickly, he leaned
heavily into the left turn. “Lean left!”
Nick screamed. He knew
Fighting the white powder,
Nick scrambled to his feet quickly and grabbed
He watched as they finally
looked back and saw the avalanche approaching them. Dr. Rough, unable to tear his eyes away from
the impending doom, missed the last turn at the end of the makeshift snow
track, and their sled slammed into a snow bank.
Nick couldn’t help but cringe as he witnessed their bodies, thrown up
and out of the sled, soaring over the snow bank that formed the edge off the
cliff.
The last thing he saw was
one of the Sasquatch’s blue mittens flying over the side of the mountain,
before the roar of the avalanche filled his ears, and the surge of snow
cascaded down around them.
± ± ±
In the bowels of the Pacific Coliseum, Lancy’s jaw
dropped open as his nemesis turned into the light.
“MIGA?!”
“Miga looove bomb!” chirped the orca bear
in a high, squeaky voice, holding up a detonator stick. The Olympic mascot stepped aside to reveal
Yu-Na, cowering behind him with the dynamite still strapped to her chest. “Miga drop this, girl go BOOM!” A psychotic laugh bubbled from within the
cheerful mascot head.
“You’re not Miga!” cried Lancy, pointing a
trembling, accusatory finger at the costumed character. “Miga loves snowboarding and salmon jerky,
not explosives and international terrorism!
Who are you really??”
With its free hand, the orca bear slowly lifted
its black and white head to reveal…
Lancy blinked.
He cocked his head at the long, narrow face poking out of the top of the
Miga costume. “No seriously, who are
you??” he asked, genuinely puzzled.
“The name’s not Miga,” growled the mystery
man. “It’s Moffatt. Bob Moffatt.”
“Moffatt?”
Lancy turned the name over on his tongue. Suddenly, it rang a bell. “Oh!
You mean Moffatt, as in that lame nineties boyband that was a less
successful rip-off of Hanson?”
“That’s the one.
Only we’re not just a lame nineties boyband anymore,” Bob said darkly. “Now we work for FANS.”
“Ahh, I see, I see!” Lancy flapped his hands a little in
excitement. “You didn’t have any actual
fans of your own left, so you decided to join the terrorist league that uses the
word FANS as its acronym. Not
really the same thing, but whatevs – close enough, right? You put on that concert here in
“Shut up!” snapped Bob. “I know you; you work for Himitsu
Takana. Drums told us about you.”
“Ah, my dear sweet Drums,” sighed Lancy, his
insides all aflutter. “How is my
favorite bad boy? All wounded and
brooding, with those washboard abs and that tight little ass…”
“You’re not even a real agent, you queer. You’re 00Carter’s secretary. And you think you can stop me and the great
Dr. Rough? What are you gonna do, make
me sneeze with your pretty pink flower?”
“Let her go,” snarled Lancy.
“Nooo, I don’t think I’m gonna do that,” Bob
taunted, as Yu-Na looked fearfully between them, trembling from head to foot. “Let’s go, come on,” he snapped suddenly,
giving her a rough shove. “Let’s
go! Move it, move it! You stay,” he added sharply, pointing his
detonator at Lancy.
Lancy hesitated, flower in hand, but he was
afraid to squirt it, afraid of making Bob drop the detonator and blow his
precious Kimmy to bits.
“Move it, move it! In that door.
In that door NOW!” Bob pushed
Yu-Na through a door, and as he disappeared through it behind her, he called,
“Bye, Lancybassy!”
Lancy charged after him, into a stairwell and up
the concrete steps. He pushed through a
second door, which led to the main concourse, filled with spectators in line
for the concession stand and restrooms.
The man in the Miga costume was quickly swallowed up by the crowds, but
Lancy heard screams ahead and knew he was headed in the right direction.
People stared as the flamboyant, frosted-haired
man in the hot pink parka went lolloping by, his hands flapping like fairy
wings on the ends of his limp wrists, but Lancy paid no attention to anyone,
until he noticed a flash of red and white out of the corner of his eye. He reeled to a stop and did a double take,
his eyes lighting up at what he saw.
“Ohmygod!” he cried, bounding towards the man in
the red and white warm-up suit emblazoned with the Canadian maple leaf. “Is that a luge you’re holding?!”
The man nodded, giving the sled that was tipped
against his legs a little nudge with his foot.
“I’m Sam Edney, from the Canadian luge team,” he said, sporting a
winning smile. “Would you like an
autograph?”
“Well, duh I’d like one, for my Olympics
scrapbook,” gushed Lancy, “but actually, first I just need to borrow your luge
for one teensy minute, okay?” Without
waiting for a reply, Lancy swooped down and snatched the sled. “Cool beans, thanks! I’ll bring it straight back – pinkie
promise!” With his free hand, he hooked
his pinkie around the stunned luger’s and then scampered off, the luge tucked
under one arm.
Bob and Yu-Na must have been far ahead of him by
now. Lancy grew more and more desperate
as he jogged through the increasingly narrow and deserted corridor that curved
around the Coliseum. He would never
catch up to them in time, and what if they decided to duck out one of the
exits?
Then he heard a resounding chorus of screams bouncing
off the walls of the skating rink and knew they had not left the venue.
Inside the arena, Diamond rested her chin on her
hand and sighed with boredom, as the Zamboni continued to circle the ice at a
steady six miles an hour. Twangy music
blared over the sound system, and up until then, the spectators had been
singing along. “I wanna drive the
Zamboni… Yeah, I wanna drive the
Zamboni… Yes, I do…”
Her phone started to vibrate inside her back
pocket, and Diamond shifted her weight to slide it out. Checking the screen, she found a text from
Dunno, Diamond texted back. Still waiting on Lancy.
Txt him & tell him 2 hurry up!
Will do. Diamond was in the process of firing off another text message to
Lancy, when she heard the screams. She
looked up in time to see one of the Olympic mascots, without its head, dragging
the captive figure skater up the steps in one of the aisles. Where r u? she texted rapidly and
pressed send.
As his phone vibrated in his skinny jeans, Lancy
darted through the nearest entrance into the arena and gazed down over the rows
of seats. All around him, people were
filling the aisles, swarming for the exits.
He looked around wildly for the source of the panic. At last, he spotted the headless mascot, some
three sections down, handcuffing Yu-Na to a railing. Down on the ice, Diamond perched like a
pin-up model on the Zamboni, her legs crossed, jiggling one skate
impatiently. When she looked up and saw
Lancy, she waved.
Kimmy or Diamond…
He had to choose. Tutting with
frustration, Lancy took off, moving down the steps instead of across the
aisles. He reached the barrier
separating the bottom row of seats from the ice and leap-frogged over it, still
carrying the luge. This he held to his
chest, and with a running leap, he slipped and slid down onto it, rocketing
across the ice towards the Zamboni on the sleek sled.
“I can always count on you, Lancy!” beamed Diamond,
as a battered and breathless Lancy, swaying slightly with dizziness, held up
the luge.
They worked together quickly, knotting rope
around the end of the luge and securing it to the front of the Zamboni. “Ohmygod, you are insane,” Lancy told Diamond,
as she lay down on the luge.
Diamond flashed a dazzling grin. “It’s part of my charm.”
“Okay, Di, this is it. Don’t get dead!” pleaded Lancy, and he pushed
the luge underneath the Zamboni. “Keep
it steady!” he called to the Zamboni operator, who responded with a nod and a
thumbs up. Moving back out of the way,
Lancy wrung his hands and watched nervously as Diamond fumbled with the
underside of the Zamboni.
“Okay, we’re gonna have to try to bypass the
remote current with the battery.”
“I dunno – I’ve got a few choices here,” said
Diamond, fingering the colored wires hooked to the bomb.
“Black and red?”
“And green.”
“Okay… alright, uh… I’m gonna guess he’s not
gonna go with standard copper for the remote; that’d be too weak. I’d use a fiber alloy,” said
“Pearl, it’s covered!”
“Yeah, I know.
You’re gonna have to cut off the sheath.
But don’t cut the wire!”
“Right.”
Diamond reached down to her pocket and slid out her manicure
scissors. With little space to work
between the ice and the Zamboni, she began to carefully slice away the covering
of one of the wires, as Lancy fretfully looked on.
A flash of black and white in his peripheral
vision caused him to turn his head, just in time to duck a flying fist, as Miga
– or, Bob – came sliding towards him.
“You!” screamed Bob. “You try to
mess with my master’s work? I don’t
think so! I’m coming for you,
Lancybassy!”
Lancy scrambled across the ice, his feet slipping
and sliding. Behind him, Bob was not
having much better luck. The remaining
spectators froze in their tracks and watched as the awkward chase ensued around
the skating rink. Lunging for Lancy, Bob
fell first, clipping his chin upon the ice.
In turning to look over his shoulder, Lancy, too, lost his balance and
had a wipeout of his own. Before he
could get back on his feet, Bob leaped on top of him, and the two scrabbled
around on the ice.
Lancy managed to gain the upper hand, slamming
Bob facedown onto the ice and straddling his back. “You picked the wrong man to mess with,”
sassed Lancy, as he pulled the other man into a camel clutch, grinding his
pelvis into the Bob’s backside as his hands locked around the minion’s
straining chin. “I was an all-state
wrestling champ in high school. There’s
nothing I love more than a heated romp on the floor with a muscular brute in
Spandex.” He giggled as he pulled back
on Bob’s head, squeezing his torso between his thighs. Bob let out a strangled groan. “Oh yeah… take it, Miga… take it, you little
bitch!” Lancy panted, tugging and thrusting at the same time.
“Hey, I’ll drop the stick, fag! You want that?” Bob gasped. Lancy’s moment of hesitation was brief, but
it was enough: with a burst of
adrenaline, Bob summoned the strength to throw Lancy off him and quickly
scrambled to his feet. The chase
continued, but now it was Lancy who pursued Bob around the rink.
“Bulls-eye!” Diamond shouted from beneath the
Zamboni, once she’d managed to strip the wires.
“Great!” said
“Copy.”
“Shit!”
From across the rink, Bob had seen Diamond fiddling with his master’s
bomb again, from her perilous position between the wheels of the Zamboni. He charged straight through the center of the
ice, his arms windmilling for balance as he skidded wildly, and climbed onto
the Zamboni.
Lancy raced after him, knowing that if he managed
to throw the driver off, Diamond would quickly be crushed beneath the Zamboni’s
wheels – or worse, its blade. In a matter of seconds, he, too, was atop the
Zamboni.
“Don’t even try it!” snarled Bob, slamming Lancy
down onto the snow tank on the front of the Zamboni. “You know you’re finished, fag!” He clobbered Lancy upside the head with the
detonator still clutched in his hand. “I
got you! Oh yes!” he hissed, grabbing a
hank of Lancy’s artfully spiked bangs.
Lancy saw stars of pain as his head was yanked upward and then slammed
back again. “Yes! Yes!” shouted Bob, his hands tightening
around Lancy’s neck.
The bright arena grew dim, as a black tunnel
began to close in on Lancy’s vision. His
windpipe was blocked; his chest felt tight with crushing pressure as he fought
to breathe. Everything was fading…
Struggling to stay conscious, Lancy grabbed Bob’s
wrists with the last of his strength, but it was not enough…
Under the Zamboni, Diamond let out a squee of
delight. “I got it! I got it,
“Good! Now
get out of there!” urged
“Trust me, I can’t wait. Lancy!” called Diamond. “Lancy, I got it! I’m ready to come out now! Lancy?”
From somewhere faraway, Lancy heard Diamond’s
voice. Bob heard it, too, and his grip
loosened, allowing a precious breath of air to slip down Lancy’s throat. He turned his head to the side and saw that
the Zamboni had reached the end of the rink; it should be about to make its
turn, but instead, it was still going straight, heading for the tunnel through
which Lancy had first chased Bob. There
was a sign mounted at the head of the tunnel, some sort of advertisement.
“What do you do, Lancybassy, huh?” grunted Bob,
still struggling on top of Lancy. “What
do you do? You’re so smart, right? You think you’re better than us, you queer
piece of shit? Well, we’re the ones with
the plan, Dr. Rough and his agents, ‘cause we’re smarter than you! We’re smarter than you!”
The sign was looming closer overhead. Adrenaline coursing through his veins, Lancy
summoned the strength he needed to grab Bob’s chin again and force his head
upwards.
It was too late for Bob: He looked up to see the sign coming a split
second before it collided with his face, snapping his head backwards on his
neck. The force of it knocked him off
the Zamboni, and Lancy leaned over the edge of the tank to watch as his body
was dragged beneath the wheels of the massive ice resurfacer.
“Hey!” squealed Diamond, as Bob rolled under the
Zamboni, knocking into her luge. “Get
out; there’s not room under here for two of us!”
Her discomfort was only temporary, though;
without a rope to hold him in place, Bob was quickly dragged beneath the blade
which shaved the ice. On top of the
Zamboni, Lancy felt a sickening bump as the blade severed Bob’s neck. His mangled head bounced out onto the ice
like a curling stone.
“Yeah,” said Lancy with a feisty smile, “but I’m
taller.” He sat up, snapping his fingers
in a circle. Then he heard Diamond’s
scream from below.
“Hey! Turn
this thing off and get me out from under here!
The bomb’s been disabled; it’s okay to stop!”
“You heard the lady,” said Lancy to the driver,
and he leapt off the Zamboni as it slowed to a stop and did not explode. He carefully pulled on the rope at the front
of the machine, easing Diamond out from under it on her luge. “You were absolutely fabulous, babe,” he
gushed as she emerged.
Diamond sat up and shook out her blonde hair. “You were amazing too, hon. I couldn’t have done it without you.” She beamed a smile at Lancy, but the grin had
fallen off his face. Instead of
exhilarated, he looked flabbergasted.
“What?” she demanded.
“Your… your hair…”
“What? Oh
yeah…” Diamond combed her fingers
through the cropped ends of her blonde hair and bit down on her lip. “Yeah, I think it kind of got cut by the
blade there at the end, when that guy bumped into me. How bad is it?”
“It’s… it’s… FABULOUS!” squealed Lancy.
“Really??”
Her hands moved to her scalp, fluffing her hair up. “You’re not just saying that?”
Lancy gave her a look. “Would I lie to you, darling? It looks amazeballs! Those layers really frame your face, and hey,
Cosmo says the asymmetrical look is in!” He reached into his coat and pulled out his
pocket mirror. “See for yourself,” he
said, handing it to Diamond.
“Ooh, very chic!” she cooed, admiring her own
reflection. “Do you think Nick will like
it?”
“He better!” Lancy said fiercely. “Otherwise I might just have to try the camel
clutch on him!” He sniffed, and
then a mischievous smile spread across his face. “On second thought – I might have to try that
one on him anyway…”
“Hey, what about Yu-Na?” asked Diamond, looking
around.
Still alive, still handcuffed to the railing,
Yu-Na raised one hand as best she could and offered an awkward wave.
“KIMMY!” cried Lancy, temporarily forgetting
about how he was going to punish that naughty, naughty Nicky… “Wow, Bob got squished and decapitated, and
she still didn’t blow up! Was the
detonator a dud?”
Diamond crawled over to Bob’s headless body. The detonator was still clutched tightly in
his hand. “No…” she said, inspecting it
carefully. “I think his muscles must
have contracted when his spinal cord was severed. His hand seized up around the detonator.”
“Lucky…” said Lancy. “We better get Kimmy undone and take that
icky contraption off her! I’ll look for
the key.” He unzipped the Miga costume
and took his time patting down Bob’s pockets, groping nearly every inch of his
body in search of the key to the handcuffs.
At last, he found the small, silver key tucked underneath Bob’s t-shirt,
hanging on a chain around what was left of his neck. He slid the chain effortlessly over the
bleeding stump.
“Well,” he sighed to Diamond, looking down at the
headless Moffatt. “At least now they’ll
be able to tell him apart from his brothers.”
± ± ±