Twelve Hours
Before Christmas
‘Twas 12 hours before
Christmas, and all through HimTak,
All the agents were snoozing;
even me, with a snack.
Stockings were hung along
dorms with great care,
Even though Agent K really
didn't want them there.
Now the agents were bustling
all through the halls,
While Diamond and Lancy made
plans for the mall.
Jay with his fedora, me with
my mistletoe hat,
Had just parted ways so I
could take a nap…
When down in Pearl’s lab
there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see
what was the matter.
Away to the lab, I ran like a
flash,
I tripped down some stairs,
but avoided a gash…
And there by the table, I saw
standing tall,
My boss, Agent K, not like
himself at all,
Decked out like St. Nick,
while a happy tune blared,
I was shocked when he smiled,
instead of just glared.
With a look on K’s face so
enraged and inflamed,
I had a bad feeling it was me
who’d be blamed.
He stared us all down, and the
crowd quickly scattered,
Though he called a few back,
ones he must have thought mattered.
“Come Diamond, come Lancy,
come Pearl, come Red Jewel!
I’ve got some big news about
crimes most cruel!
Come Jay, Nick, and Emerald,
I’ll be needing you too,
And Carter – don’t think I’m
done dealing with you.”
As
I looked out the window of our private jet,
I
couldn’t help wonder if we were there yet.
The
last time I flew somewhere cold was due South,
With
K’s Country Cousin and his smart-aleck mouth.
Moving
on, anyway, K soon did announce,
That
we’d arrived in New York, and it was time to bounce,
We
took a few moments to sit down and think,
Of
where we might next find that evil eye’s blink.
Then
hit me at once, like a ton of fruitcake,
If
it’s Christmas he’s after, it’s the toys he’ll take!
So
off we all rushed to the biggest toy store,
Little
did FANS know they’d be leaving there sore.
My
creations – they twinkled! They all looked so merry!
K
said my idea was so brilliant, it was scary.
Though
it made me quite happy, getting credit where due,
I
wasn’t sure if he noticed this was so 1992.
We
waited and waited, ‘til seven that night,
No
Rough did appear, just two elves in our sight.
One
had a narrow face and the other a goatee,
One
called the other Jon, the other said Danny.
They
were dressed like morons – I mean, jolly old elves,
And
I tried not to laugh at them, in spite of myself.
My
heartbeat grew faster as I watched from above,
As
that dumbass Jon reached for the two turtledoves.
Now
covered in feathers and buckets of tar,
They
must not have realized that they wouldn’t get far,
‘Cause
onward they went, all through the shop,
Finding
more of my traps at every last stop.
I
looked down from above as they walked under my feet,
Now
it was time to choose which one to beat… up.
As we watched while the cops
hauled our crooks far away,
I looked up and I saw a really
strange flying sleigh.
It was black with red trim and
a ferret on the side,
And who should it be but Drums
steering this ride.
My laughter unleashed as he
lowered his flight,
With antlers on his head and
his nose all alight!
He frowned and he glared, as
he shouted to us,
“You won this time, jerks, but
you’ll still eat our dus’!
We’ll be back for ya all and
ya better beware,
‘cuz when we’re through wit’
you, ya won’t gots a prayer!”
I was pissed that he sped off
in such a bright flash,
But K grabbed at my arm as I
started to dash.
“It’s not worth it, Carter,”
he called out to me,
“It’s already Christmas, let’s
go home to our tree.”
Although very surprised at K’s
jolly advice,
I had to agree, and for now it
sufficed.
I finally relaxed as I lay in
my bed,
With visions of Red’s
“Christmas gift” in my head,
Until I heard bells and a
laugh like a boom,
That caused me to run halfway
across my room,
Would you believe when I
looked out my window that night,
That I got to see Santa before
he drove out of sight?
He gave me a smile and a wave
of his hand,
“Try harder this year to be
good, my young man,
Right now, though, go to
sleep! Celebrate your good plan!
I’m very impressed that you
knew such a trick,
But I’m mostly quite grateful!
Merry Christmas, dear Nick!”
± ± ±
How Dr. Rough
Stole Christmas
Every agent down at HimTak
Liked Christmas a lot,
But DR. ROUGH,
The nemesis of HimTak, did
NOT!
Dr. Rough hated
Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
You wanna know why? I'll tell you the reason:
It wasn't that his head wasn't
screwed on quite right;
Dr. Rough hated Christmas
because of his height!
Though twisted and evil, he
had pity for all
The creatures mistreated
because they are small,
And Santa, you see, works his
elves like they're slaves,
Forcing them to make toys
without makin’ bank.
Plotting deep in his lair,
with his trademark eye twitch,
Dr. Rough forged a plan to fix
this injustice,
For he knew the whole world,
which would soon be his,
Was supporting slave labor by
asking for gifts.
"I'll start a
revolution!" he snarled with a sneer.
"A crusade, a boycott of
Christmas this year!"
Then he growled, with his left
eye nervously twitching,
And thought, "This will
never work how I'm wishing!"
For tomorrow, he knew, all the
mamas and pops
Would wake up bright and
early. They'd rush to the shops!
They'd buy all the toys made
in sweatshops by elves.
With those Black Friday deals,
why, they'd clear the shelves!
And the elves, young and old,
wouldn't earn a dime
For all their hard work and
all of their time.
Santa, the Big Man, would make
a gold mine
Off the little guys' work on
the assembly line,
Which was something Dr. Rough
thought just didn't seem right!
And the more he thought of
this elf injustice,
The more Rough thought,
"I must stop this whole mess!
But change doesn't come
without shit going down.
I MUST start a jihad on
Christmas!
...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
DR. ROUGH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to
do!" Dr. Rough told his crew,
And he rented a Santa suit and
some elf costumes,
And he cackled and crowed,
"What a genius I am!
With these festive costumes,
we'll stick it to The Man!"
All we need is a
reindeer..." Dr. Rough started to say,
But, see, reindeer don't live
in the Everglades.
Did that stop Dr. Rough? Oh
hells no, no way!
"If I can't find a
reindeer, then Drums will guide my sleigh!"
"Aw, hells no, dat's whack!" I cried in dismay.
"But Drums, you've got
the red eye to light my way!"
SO… He dressed me in fur,
stuck some antlers on my head.
I didn't feel like no pimp; I'da rather been dead,
But Dr. Rough said, "Too
bad!" and made us start packin'
And flew us to New York to put
his plan into action.
All the windows were
dark. All the doors were locked.
All the New Yorkers were
dreaming sweet dreams and nice thoughts,
When the FANS agents came to
the new house on the block.
"This is stop number
one," the evil Dr. Rough hissed,
And he sent Donnie to the
roof, empty bags in his fist.
The minion slid down the
chimney, a rather tight squeeze,
But if fat Santa could do it,
so could little Donnie.
He got stuck only once, for a
moment or two,
Then he stuck his head out of
the fireplace flue,
He brushed himself off, then
scurried to the door
To let in the others, tracking
soot on the floor.
Then we slithered and slunk,
with smiles most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and we
took every present!
Barbies and Furbies and flat-screen TVs!
Legos and iPads
and Nintendo Wiis!
And we stuffed them in bags,
till they'd hold no more.
Then we hauled all our loot,
bag by bag, out the door!
In his tricked-out red sleigh,
Rough packed it with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned
the Doc, "We will go steal the tree!"
Dr. Rough grabbed the tree, and
he started to push,
'Til he felt a small hand poke
him hard in the tush.
He turned around fast, and he
saw a small nińa,
Little Dora the Explorer, who
cried, "Papa Noel! Nice to meet
ya!"
Dr. Rough had been caught by
this cute Latina daughter,
Who'd gotten out of bed for a
cup of cold water.
She stared at Dr. Rough and
said, "Papa Noel, why?
Why are you taking our
Christmas tree? Why?"
But, you know, Dr. Rough is so
smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he
thought it up quick!
"Why, mi dulce nińa," the fake Santa Claus lied,
"There's a light on this
tree that won't light on one side.
So I'm taking it home to my
workshop, my dear.
I'll whip my elf slaves till
they fix it and bring it back here."
Dora stared up at him and
said, "That's a lie!
If there's a bulb that's burnt
out, just get a new string of lights!
You're not the real Santa; you
don't have a white beard!
Your skin is too dark, and
your eye twitches weird!
Santa's s'posed to be fat,
with cheeks like a cherry torte,
But you're much too skinny,
small, and SHORT!"
Ohh bitches, it was on! Rough drew back with a scowl.
"You insolent brat!"
he hissed. "Watch your mouth!
When I rule the world, those
who mock me shall suffer!
Starting with you and that
meddling Carter!
You'll pay for all your
tormenting and sniping!"
But Dora just screamed,
"SANTA, NO SWIPING!"
"NO SWIPING, SANTA!"
she continued to shriek.
Doors opened, and lights
flipped on across the street.
"Bail!" Dr. Rough
cried, as he fled to his sleigh.
In piled the minions, and we
raced away,
Leaving Dora's family in their
empty house,
With nothing but a crumb too
small for a mouse.
In eleven days, FANS robbed
near a dozen more houses
Leaving crumbs much too small
for a dozen more mouses
And on the twelfth day, the
twenty-fourth of December,
Passing skaters in the Plaza,
enjoying the weather,
Dr. Rough sent his minions on
the ultimate scheme:
Rob FAO Schwartz and blow up
the big tree!
Ninety feet tall, in the
center of Rockefeller,
Rigged to explode in a blast
quite stellar!
"Despair to the
world!" he was wickedly humming.
"This catastrophe should
keep Christmas from coming!”
“When the tree goes up in
flames, I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open
for a minute or two,
Then all the New Yorkers in the
City will cry, BOO-HOO!
That's a noise," grinned
Dr. Rough, "That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And Dr. Rough
put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound
echoing through the skyscrapers.
It started out soft and began
to taper...
But then it was back! This wail was not crying!
He couldn't be merry, for it
was a police siren!
He stared as the NYPD car
raced by.
The sight inside made Dr.
Rough pop his eyes!
Then he shook; what he saw was
a shocking surprise!
The minions from the toy store
were handcuffed inside!
"Dr. Rough, come
in!" my voice crackled in his ear.
"Jon and Danny been
caught; we gotsta flee here!"
Every minion in FANS, the tall
and the small,
Were running, without any
stolen toys at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas
from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just
the same!
And Dr. Rough, with his dainty
feet cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling:
"How could it be so?"
"It be HimTak again,
yo," I said in his ear.
"That Carter and his
posse, they found out, and they here!
They onto us - caught the New
Kids in the sto-
Set up booby traps and then
called the po-po!"
And what happened then? Well,
in FANS, we say
That Dr. Rough's rage grew
three sizes that day!
As we fled to the rooftop and
got on our sleigh,
Dr. Rough looked out the
window, and then he done say,
"I'LL GET YOU, NICK
CARTER! I'LL GET YOU SOMEDAY!"
± ± ±