DIAMOND DIVINE’S DATING DO’S AND
DON’TS
Got a question about love,
romance, or just plain sex? You’ve come
to the right place! I’m Diamond Divine,
Nick’s #1 Carter Girl, and I’m a dating expert, if I do say so myself. I’m more than willing to dish out some
advice, so go ahead, ask me anything!
Xs and 00s,
Have a question for Diamond
Divine? Contact her here.
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[12.01.08]
Dear Diamond,
I'm embarrassed to even write
this, but I need help! I have bad breath... like, REALLY bad breath, all the
time!! Before you think I'm gross, I brush my teeth, but it doesn't help. Mints
only make it go away for a little while, and I can't be seen chomping on gum
all the time. I'm afraid this problem is affecting my love life because any guy
I go out with gives me this really weird face and backs away when I get close
to him. What can I do??
Signed,
Stinky Breath Sarabeth
Well,
“Stinky Breath Sarabeth,” I can’t say for sure, but
it sounds like you may have some sort of virus. I asked our resident expert,
Red Jewel. She says it sounds like you may have gingivitis—which one of the
major symptoms is bad breath. Gingivitis can be treated through daily mouth
care (brushing and flossing at least twice daily), but can also be treated by a
dentist. I’m not a doctor, so the best I can say is visit your local dentist
ASAP. Those guys know what they’re doing when they back away!
Xs and 00s,
Dear Diamond,
You work with a lot of really sexy
guys. And woman to woman I know you've slept with them. I want to someday too.
Could you please rank them from best in bed to the worst?
Signed,
Really Curious
As
you may know, one of my favorite hobbies is to indulge people’s curiosities. So
you’re definitely getting an answer, “Really Curious”! From best to worst?
That’s a tough one… Maybe I could tell you who I haven’t slept with? Just
kidding! Nick is probably at the top as he’s my main object of flirtation.
Afterwards… I think it’s a tie between Jay and Vitruvian.
Jay is incredibly kinky and, let’s be honest with ourselves, who wouldn’t want
to have sex with Vitruvian? After that, I would
probably say Drums. He’d actually go right after Nick, I think… But that was a
long time ago. He’s changed his affiliations, so I’ve changed my sympathies.
Plus, let’s be honest, Vitruvian is probably like a Demi-God… And I wouldn’t be in the agency without Jay, so…
Jay and Vitruvian still hold high places in my list.
Next is probably Grasshopper, for being old, he’s not that bad… As long as you
leave before he starts comparing sex to liquor. I get that older women are like
aged wine, but sex being like a brandy is way over my head. Last is probably
Shazam. That was a drunken mistake. There are a few lower ranked agents in the
mix too, but you probably don’t care about them… So... K is too professional to
give into my wiles. Someday I’ll win him over. And I’ve heard that 001 is male,
so he’s my next target. Thanks for letting me indulge your curiosity!
Xs and 00s,
Dear Diamond,
I am a strikingly beautiful
young woman with long, blonde hair, azure eyes that shimmer in the sunlight
like the ocean on a cloudless day, flawless, golden bronze skin, pearly white
teeth that have always been straight - no braces! - and a model's figure. I
love to dance, I sing like a bird, and I have a sparkling personality to match
my sparkling eyes. Despite all of these wonderful traits, I have a flaw. I
can't find love. You might be asking why such a beautiful, amazing woman
doesn't have guys falling over her feet. But that's the thing - I DO have guys
tripping all over me, but whenever one gets too close, I push him away. I have
trust issues, Diamond. You see, I had a rough childhood. My father was a
deadbeat, and my mother was an addict. I didn't have a positive male role model
in my life, so when I started dating, I dated all the wrong guys. I suffered
years of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse from my ex-boyfriends, and now
I'm afraid to let another man into my life. How can I get over this insecurity
and find the man of my dreams?
Sincerely,
Mary Sue
“Mary
Sue,” I think this may be the longest letter I’ve ever received, with the least
information possible. I don’t think your problem is your rough childhood, as
you would have more than just trust issues, if that was the case. The reason
you are insecure is that you are doubling over with narcissism, which turns
decent men off. You need to replace your narcissism with self-confidence. And
guys will stop seeing you as an object and start seeing you as a person. Also,
get a haircut. A make over is the first step to self-confidence!
Xs and 00s,
Dear Diamond,
I am a sex addict. A depraved
one, at that. I like to pleasure myself with products I find in my pantry...
such as tuna cans. This has proven to be a major turn-off for the guys I bring
home, but I can't control myself. Any tips?
Signed,
Tunafish Tri
Well,
“Tunafish Tri,” many people hold the belief that
women’s hormones have a natural fish-like scent to them. So I imagine the smell
of real fish, provided by the tuna, overpowers the natural feminine scent men
are attracted to. Plus, I can’t even imagine how you could pleasure yourself,
or your partner, with a tuna can. No one likes tuna! My advice? Invest in a
classic item like a whip or fuzzy handcuffs. In the end, these items will win
you more partners than a can of tuna. Or you could start believing in mermen. I
bet they resemble tuna… ;)
Xs and 00s,
Dear Diamond,
I am really, really annoyed
because I only get asked out by losers! I got asked out by a fifty-three
year-old graduate of rehab and I’m twenty! Then I got asked out by a fifty-one year-old
for drinks and, HELLO! I’M STILL TWENTY! And the guys around my age that ask me
out are loser creeps too! People keep telling me I’m pretty, so WHY CAN’T I GET
A DECENT GUY!?
Signed,
Attracting the Wrong Kind of
Men
I
know exactly how you feel, “Attracting the Wrong Kind of Men”! Older men and
less desirable men are often attracted to me as well. But eventually, you will
have to realize that beautiful women are there to attract men and tease their
fantasies. I’ll repeat, we tease their fantasies, not indulge them. I’m
assuming that you’ve turned all these men down, and that’s the right thing to
do. You shouldn’t lead someone on if you aren’t actually attracted to them. The
thing to realize, though, is that being pretty isn’t the only way to get a good
man. You have to have some sort of substance to you. I know, you’re probably
surprised to hear me say that, but it’s true. Substance is key. Your beauty is
there to draw the men in. You are what keeps them there. And the best way to
find decent men is to go places you are interested in. Then you will meet men
that you are compatible with. But be
warned, if you like going to clubs and bars, be prepared that not everyone who
frequents these establishments are decent. So always bring a girl friend too, or
Lancy… Except, you should probably go find your own Lancy, we wouldn’t want to
stretch my Lancy too thin. ;)
Xs and 00s,
Dear Diamond,
I’ve heard so much about Drums
and what happened to him. I feel so bad. I know he is hurting because he feels
like he was betrayed and he’s not very good looking anymore, but yet, I feel
drawn to him. Do you think he could ever want an average girl like me for a
girlfriend? How can I get him to notice me? I’m sure I can help him.
Signed,
Drums’ Secret Admirer
I’m
impressed you know so much classified information, “Drums’ Secret Admirer”! His
situation is extremely sad and I know a good friend always perks me up when I’m
sad. I think the best way to get a man like that to notice you is to act as a
friend first. Be there for him and listen to him. Eventually, he’ll realize
that you’re amazing, even if you’re average. Good luck!
Dear
Readers, Have a juicy question you just need answered? Send your questions my
way! I love to get to the root of your problems, plus, let’s be real, I know
you’re all dying to know about my history with Nick. So, send in your
questions! I’ll start a bubble bath while I wait!
Xs and 00s,
[2.25.07]
Dear Diamond,
How do I, like... get a guy to
notice me the way Nick notices you?
Signed,
Trying to Get a Man
Nice to
hear from you, "Trying to Get a Man"!
Well, unfortunately, there are two things going for me when I pair with
Nick. Maybe three actually… Number one, I'm a big flirt. Number two, he's a big flirt. Number three, we work in the same place, so
we constantly have somewhere to be big flirts together. Most people aren't so lucky.
A lot
of girls want a meaningful relationship, but if you're looking for a hook up,
it's easy. Wear cute, figure
accentuating outfits. Things like very short skirts, cocktail dresses, or
dipped necklines. Show off your best
features! If you have great legs, dress
them up with heels and a skirt. If you
have a nice neck, wear jewelry and put your hair up. There are tons of ways to attract men!
And don't forget to wear perfume and
smile! And flirting is a bonus! Put your hand on his leg if you sit next to
him. Stand really closely so he can
smell your perfume. Acknowledge him
alone. If you dress up and give him
something to chase, your man will follow!
Dear Diamond,
I like this guy and he wants
me to set up the date, he says to see what I'm like. What do you suggest for the perfect date?
What was your perfect date with Nick?
Signed,
Wants to be a Perfect Date
Congratulations
on your date, "Wants to be a Perfect Date"! Dating is one of my favorite hobbies, so I
hope you have a great time! What is a
perfect date though? I could give you
some crap about how you should do something that reflects who you are and puts
you in your natural element… But then a
lot of us would be eating ice cream in our bathrobes and watching soap operas. I guess if you liked something cool like sky
diving… Anyway. I would suggest a quick
hook up, but you actually like the guy.
So, I'd definitely go with dinner and a movie. Pick a nice restaurant,
not overly expensive though, save that for a date he's treating you. And pick a movie that you both will
like. Or, be sneaky and pick one he'll
like. Then, that leaves you open for the
hook up later. Or just a kiss goodnight,
it's really up to you…
My
perfect date with just Nick? I think my
perfect date with Nick was the time when he shoved me into the cleaning supply
closet at HimTak.... What? That's not a
date? Fine… Probably when he took me to
the
Xs and 00s,
Dear Diamond,
My boobs are too small, how do
I make them bigger?
Signed,
Itty Bitty Titties
Well,
"Itty Bitty Titties"... The answer is simple and depends entirely on
your own personality. You could go the
thirty dollar route with a nice shelving bra.
The best ones, I think, are sold by
Xs and 00s,
Dear Diamond,
My boyfriend wants me to give
out and I don't know if I'm ready. How
did you know you were ready, and could you tell us about your first time?
Signed,
First Timer
Madonna
and I are with you in our hearts, "First Timer." We both feel we're like virgins, so maybe
that helps me understand you better…
You're right, I'm notorious. How
did I know when I was ready? You mean,
you're not curious how many men I slept with before Nick? Well, the answer is fifteen. Now that that's settled… My first time was in college. Over the summer I had a little fling that I
thought would last forever… Only three months, but it seemed like a long time
then. He was the son of a rich business
man in
The
important thing is to have sex with your boyfriend when it feels the most
natural for you. If you ever feel the
urge to stop his advances, it's not the right time. And if he's really looking for a relationship
with you, he'll wait. That's what's nice
about boyfriends. Me, I'm a Bunny
without a magazine, so it doesn't matter if it means anything to me or
not. My first time, well, a woman always
romanticizes her first time. So I'll
always tell you the harlequin novel version… And I'm sure you don't want this
letter to be that long! But yes, sex can be awkward. The most important thing is to be comfortable
with yourself! Gosh, where's Nick when I
have to answer a bunch of letters like this…
Xs and 00s,
Dear Diamond,
You seem like an expert in
romping in the sacks. My girlfriend
seems to be getting bored, how do I make it exciting again?
Signed,
Not Getting Any
"Not
Getting Any," you're just not trying hard enough. Go read the Kama
Sutra, then write me back after you've tried a few. If you're too lazy to read, then try spicing
up your love life! Maybe you've only
gotten down and dirty in your bedroom.
Have you tried a car? Or an
office? Think of locations that might
appeal to both of you. If leaving the
bedroom is out of the question, try adding a story to it. Role playing is a great way to add
spice! Every woman likes the naughty pool
hand. Or the debonair secret agent…
Well, that's less a role playing game and more wearing your uniform in the
bedroom type thing, so… Try doing things
you haven't done before. Or, take her on
a nice romantic vacation. She'll love
it. Try your best and go for it!
Xs and 00s,
Dear Diamond,
I don't orgasm when I have sex
with my boyfriend anymore. I love him
though, but am afraid to tell him... what do I do?
Signed,
He Can't Pleasure Me
That
happens to me a lot too, "He Can't
± ± ±
Dear Readers,
Have a juicy question you just
need answered? Send your questions my way! I love to get to the root of your
problems, plus, let’s be real, I know you’re all dying to know about my history
with Nick. So, send in your questions! I’ll start a bubble bath while I wait!
Xs and 00s,
Have a question for Diamond
Divine? Contact her here.