Chapter 105
In the dark of night
Those small hours
Uncertain and anxious
I need to call you…
Much later that night, Claire sat in
the living room of her own apartment, flipping through her scrapbook, the new
Backstreet Boys CD playing softly in the background. She often looked through her scrapbook when
she got emotional, and tonight, she was definitely emotional. The song… the message in Nick’s liner notes…
it was all too much.
In front of her, pasted into the
scrapbook, was a picture of Nick and her that had been taken on their six month
anniversary, by one of the waiters at the restaurant Nick had taken her
to. They were sitting close to each
other at the table, his arm around her, radiant smiles on both of their faces. Claire could see the amusement twinkling in
both of their eyes and couldn’t help but smile now, remembering how they had
made fun of the fanciness of the stuffy French restaurant, talking in bad Pepe
Le Pew accents and laughing over the waiter who had called her “Mademoiselle.”
That had also been the night he had
proposed to her, she reflected – liked she could ever forget. Why couldn’t that happiness have lasted? she
wondered sadly, remembering how excited she had been over the thought of
getting married. What had made her so
unhappy with their relationship near the end?
I missed this, she
thought. I missed just being with him like this.
I never saw him near the end.
She knew that wasn’t the whole
reason… but it was definitely a reason.
If she was going to be with someone, she wanted to be with them. Not all the time – she wasn’t the clingy
type. But the long distance thing was
difficult. Maybe Jamie had been right to
break up with her when he had – maybe they wouldn’t have lasted through college
anyway simply because of the distance factor.
Everything for a reason, she
mused again. Maybe she just wasn’t cut
out to be the wife of a superstar.
Tonight, though, she wasn’t so
sure. She couldn’t stop thinking about
Nick. A part of her wished Jamie would
come knocking at her door right now, just so she could hug him and kiss him and
reassure herself that he was the one she was supposed to be with. But she doubted that would happen. “We’re not doing anything Friday night,” she
had told him early in the week. “It’s
Backstreet Boys day, and Laureen and I are having a girls night.”
Jamie had laughed at her for at least
half an hour, but in the end, he’d agreed to set up a “boys night” with his
friends Greg and Jerr, whom she didn’t like much anyway. They were probably still out drinking, and
she wouldn’t see Jamie till at least the next afternoon, unless he was still
too hungover then to do anything.
Alcohol had always had a bad effect on him.
Knowing Nick, he was probably out
partying with the guys too, celebrating the album release. They would most likely be out into the wee
hours of the morning, and they had every right to be. They should be proud of their work. The CD really was good, and though she still
wasn’t a fan of most of their earlier, bubblegummy songs, she couldn’t deny
that she liked the new material. She
needed to call Nick and tell him.
Maybe I’ll call now, she
thought. Normally she would think it too
late, but there was no way Nick would be in bed now, not on this night. He probably wouldn’t answer his phone either,
but maybe that was for the best. She
could leave a voicemail message, saying how much she liked the album, and leave
it at that. She still felt awkward about
“Siberia” and his code to her, and the thought of talking about either to him
right now made her stomach hurt. What
would she say?? It would be better if he
just called her back later, giving her some more time to process it all first.
Satisfied with this decision, sure
that Nick wouldn’t answer his phone because he was out partying, Claire picked
up hers and speed-dialed him. She
listened to the phone ring, waiting for his voicemail to kick in.
After a click, she heard his voice…
but she knew instantly it wasn’t his voicemail message. All he said was, “Hello?”
Her heart skipped a beat.
***
Rooms full of strangers
Some call me friend
But I wish you were
So close to me…
In the past, album releases for Nick
and the guys meant a chance to let loose and party hard, a time to blow off
steam and celebrate the many months of work they’d put into their newest pride
and joy. This had started to change for
some of the group when Black & Blue
was released; Brian and Kevin both had wives by then and didn’t stay out as
late as they once had. By the time the
next album came around, Brian also had Baylee, and AJ was sober and not quite
the wild party animal he’d once been.
But Nick, who, when their very first album was released, had been well
underage, continued to party into the early morning hours when each subsequent
album dropped, and Howie was always right there alongside him. Not even early press appearances the next
morning had stopped them from staying out late.
But here it was, barely even two a.m.,
and Nick was already back in his hotel suite.
Alone.
Well, he supposed he wasn’t entirely alone. Veronica was there; she was back in the
bedroom, sound asleep, while he sat up on the couch in the main room and
blearily flipped channels. Which was
exactly why he felt alone.
She had gone out with the guys and the
other women after the Virgin signing, but when Leighanne and Brian had left the
club at eleven to go back to the hotel and call Leighanne’s parents, whom
they’d left Baylee with, Veronica had opted to ride with them. “I’m really tired,” she’d told Nick
apologetically when he’d protested, pleading with her to stay. “I think I’m just gonna head back and read
for a bit before I go to bed.”
No amount of coaxing had persuaded her
to stay later; she wasn’t into clubs anyway, as she’d told him, and she didn’t
want to drink anymore, and like she’d said, she was tired. He’d known he shouldn’t be, but Nick was
annoyed. He’d club-hopped with the
others for a few more hours, sulkily knocking back drink after drink while he
watched Kevin and Kristin cuddle in a booth, whispering things that only each
other could hear… AJ and Mary grind against each other on the dance floor like
they were the only two people in the room… Howie flirt with every attractive
woman who came up to him…
Kevin and Kristin had split at one,
and by one-thirty, Nick had been right behind them. He’d entered the suite to find Veronica
asleep. He could feel his own fatigue
setting in; it had been a long day, and his busy Backstreet Boy schedule took
more out of him these days than it had in years past. He was tired… but he didn’t feel like
sleeping. Instead, he had raided the mini-bar and migrated to the couch, where
he’d been slouched for the last half hour, scowling at the unappealing
selections the TV had to offer.
He was in a bad mood, and he didn’t
even know why. The day had gone well,
and though they wouldn’t have any estimates on record sales for a few days yet,
the people he’d talked to seemed to like the new album. So what was bothering him? Was he really that upset that Veronica had
left early? Or was it something
else? Maybe it was just the alcohol; the
happy buzz he got when he started drinking was long gone, and now he was just
drunk and depressed. He hated feeling
like this.
Suddenly, his cell phone started to
vibrate; he could hear it lightly rattling against the hard socket of his
prosthesis through his pocket. He leaned
slowly to the side to dig it out and wearily looked at the screen. He had to blink a few times before he could
make out the name on his caller ID, but as soon as he did, his movements
quickened. He hastily flipped open the
phone and put it to his ear.
“Hello?”
***
In the dark of night
Those small hours
I drift away
When I’m with you…
“Nick!” Claire exclaimed on the other
end of the line, not hiding her surprise well. She really hadn’t expected him to pick
up. Not that she was disappointed he
had… she always liked talking to him.
But… well… she still hadn’t figured out what to say about the song or
the notes, and she knew if she started talking about the album, she wasn’t
going to be able to avoid either.
“Claire? What up, girl?” Nick’s voice responded.
Claire smirked; he was slurring his
words, and she could tell he’d had a lot to drink. “Umm, not much,” she replied. “I’m not calling at a bad time, am I? It’s late, and I don’t wanna keep you if
you’re out.”
“Nah, you’re not… I’m in. Just chillin’ in the hotel.”
“Oh.
Okay. Well, in that case, I
wanted to tell you – I bought the album today, and I gotta admit, Mr. Popstar…
I really like it,” she said honestly.
“Really? Cool, cool.
I’m glad ya like it,” replied Nick, his voice casual. “So what’s your favorite song?”
Claire hesitated, biting her lip to
hold back the smirk that was starting to form.
Finally, she couldn’t help herself; she had to say it. “‘Siberia’,” she answered mischievously,
waiting for his reaction.
It took a few beats for it come. Then Nick started singing, “Then my heart did time in Siberia… was
waiting for the lie to come true…”
Despite his obvious intoxication, his voice was clear and perfectly on
pitch (from what she could tell anyway).
It gave her chills, listening to it projected into her ear through the
phone, knowing he was singing live on the other end. “Yeah, so what’dcha think of that one?” he
asked when he cut off, his voice colored with amusement.
“Well…” Claire struggled, not knowing what to
say. Finally, she went with the old
standard of making it all into a joke.
“It’s catchy,” she said, “and clever.
Good beat… good story… That
girl, man… what a stupid bitch. Just a note left on the stairs? Who would do
that?”
It was something she did often in
awkward situations, as a way to lighten the mood and cover up her own
insecurities. She had come to realize
that this habit made her seem more confident than she really was, and as much
as she liked that, she knew that sometimes it was just an act. Sure, she’d always been more outgoing than
shy, and she really was an easygoing person who liked to laugh and joke around. But underneath her self-assured and sunny
façade, there was a woman who was just as plagued with doubts and fears as
anyone else. It was only at certain
times, and in front of certain people, that she let the façade melt away. Nick was one of those people. She wondered if he would be able to see right
through her now, even without actually seeing
her.
Nick laughed dryly. “I think I know somebody,” he slurred, his
voice rising and falling like the slopes and drops of a rollercoaster. “She’s not a stupid bitch though. She’s just… confused. Temporary insanity; isn’t that what they call
it?”
“I plead the fifth,” Claire cracked,
though still chewing on her bottom lip.
Nick didn’t sound angry; on the contrary, he sounded as if he’d forgiven
her. But he also seemed to think she
might still change her mind, come around, come back to him. And that bothered her. They were supposed to be over, and she’d
moved on. She was with Jamie now, and
though she regretted what had happened with Nick, she had no intention of
leaving Jamie to go back to him. They
just weren’t meant to be, she’d already decided. She thought Nick had finally come to the same
conclusion and was moving on as well, but… maybe all of that was just an act on
his part. His own little façade.
“So where’s Veronica?” she asked,
wanting to change the subject.
“Here.
Sleeping.”
“Oh.
Did you guys go out tonight to celebrate?”
“Yeah… but she came back early. I just got back a… a little while ago…”
“Oh,” Claire replied again, wishing
she could find something more creative to say.
Nick didn’t sound very happy, but she was hesitant to ask him about
it. It just didn’t feel right to go
probing into his new relationship. Maybe
someday, when enough time had gone by, they would be able to talk about their
significant others just as friends would, but for now, it was too soon. They were friends, but they were also still
exes, and that complicated things.
Oh, does it ever complicate things, she thought, remembering the arguments she and Nick had had when
they were together, which always seemed to involve Jamie somehow. Jamie, her friend. Jamie, her ex. Jamie, her now again boyfriend. Perhaps Nick had seen something all along,
something to which she had been blind up until a few months ago.
“Laureen and I had a girls’ night in,”
she told him, deciding to get off the relationship tangent altogether. “We went out and bought copies of your CD
together and then went back to her place and had our own little listening
party. You shoulda seen her; she was so
cute, all excited about the album. And
she loved it too, Nick! I’m sure all
your fans will.”
“Thanks,” said Nick, sounding slightly
happier. “Tell Laureen I said thanks
too.”
“I surely will,” promised Claire, and
suddenly she knew it was the right moment to bring up the other thing she had
not yet brought up. “Hey, speaking of
thanks… I was kinda shocked to see my nickname in your liner notes! Thank you… for thanking me. That was sweet.”
“Nothin’ I didn’t mean,” Nick mumbled,
and Claire wondered if that applied to everything
he’d put in his liner notes. “Did you
happen to crack the code?” Yep. That was exactly what she had been thinking
of.
“We did…” she answered slowly, biting
deeper into her lip. She wished she
could leave it at that, but he was prompting her, and she had to say
something. Something honest. “Nick, I don’t know what to say. It was… really sweet. But…”
Nick cut her off there. “You don’t have to say anything else,
Claire. Don’t give me any ‘buts.’ Just know that I meant it… it’s the truth.”
She nodded silently, glad that he
couldn’t see her, for she knew that if he looked into her eyes right then, and
she his, she would start to get teary again.
And she didn’t want to. She hated
crying. She hated feeling as guilty and
as confused as she had all evening, ever since she’d listened to the album and
read its jacket. He was making her
regret leaving him, making her yearn for what they’d had. But what could she do about it?
The truth was, even if she got a wild
hair and decided to drop everything right that minute and fly to New York to be
with him, they would find themselves in the same place they had been before
they’d broken up. She’d be in New York…
while the rest of her life was back in Florida and the rest of Nick’s had
relocated to California. They’d be faced
with the same issue – deal with the distance, or sacrifice everything to be
with the other.
And just as before, Claire wasn’t
ready to make that sacrifice. Especially
not now. She was with Jamie now, and he
remained everything she’d always expected the love of her life to be. Not only was he sweet and funny, charming and
attractive, and completely devoted to her, but he also led a normal life, had a
stable career, and lived in an apartment only a few miles away from hers. He could spend time with her in the evening
and on weekends. He could take her on
dates without hiding his blue eyes and dark curls with sunglasses and a hat to
avoid being recognized; she could go out with him without worrying about being
questioned or followed, cameras flashing in her face when she just wanted to be
with him, and him only. He could provide
her with the stability and normalcy she craved.
Nick, though he exceeded her expectations in many ways, could not, and
in her mind, she knew she wasn’t meant to be with him, despite her heart’s
occasional protests.
She tried to remind herself of this,
tried to ward off the tears with common sense, and had just nearly succeeded
when she heard him swallow hard over the line.
“I love you, Claire,” he said then,
his voice thick. “I love you. I love you…”
Every time he said it, fresh tears
sprang into her eyes, as if there were tiny pumps hidden in their ducts. Stop!
she wanted beg him, but she couldn’t.
Nor could she say the words back, not the way he meant them. She couldn’t... She just couldn’t…
***
In the dark of night
By my side
In the dark of night
By my side
I wish you were
I wish you were…
For a few moments, Nick did not
breathe. His scarred lungs began to
scream for air, but still he held his breath, clutching the phone to his ear,
listening, straining to hear any whisper of a word from Claire’s end of the
line. But there was nothing. She did not speak. She stayed silent, other than the slightly
ragged sounds of her breathing, magnified into his ear through the phone’s
speaker.
He slumped. He should have known better than to say it,
but in his inebriated state, he couldn’t help it. It was the honest truth. He loved Claire Ryan, and try as he might, he
could not stop. And he wanted her to
know… in case… in case…
In case what?
“Did you hear me?” he asked loudly
into the phone, wishing she’d just talk.
“I said, I love you!”
“I heard you.” Her voice was short. “I love you too, Nick… as a friend. My arms are always open too… for a hug from a
friend. But that’s it. That’s all we are now, Nick. That’s all we can be.”
“No,” Nick protested. “No, no…
We’re meant to be more than that.
Remember? We’re meant to be together.”
“I have to go, Nick. It’s late.
I’m tired. I’m gonna go to bed,”
Claire said, her voice flat.
“You should go to bed with me,” Nick
mumbled, raking a hand through his hair.
His head felt light and floaty, and even the weight of his hand did
little to ground it.
“Goodnight, Nick,” came her curt
response, and then he heard a click.
“Claire? Claire?” he murmured, finally lowering his
phone and looking at it. He tapped it a
few times, as if that would somehow bring her back. Then he gave up and tossed it down, letting
his tired body slump over sideways on the couch. He rested his head against its padded arm and
closed his eyes. He was sleepy. He wished he could hold her as he drifted
off, the way he had when they were together.
“Claire…” he mumbled her name through closed lips, digging his fingers
into the soft leather sofa like claws.
“Nick?”
The sound of her timid voice caused
him to startled. He pulled himself back
into a sitting position, swaying a little, and looked over at her, blinking
rapidly.
Veronica was standing just inside the
room, dressed in her nightie, one of her bare legs crossed shyly over the
other. Her thick hair was wild with
tangles, her dark eyes bleary from sleep.
“Are you coming to bed?” she asked softly.
He studied her for a moment, still seeing
Claire in his mind, looking as she did when she woke up – rumpled and endearing
in her ratty gray sweatpants and one of his too-big t-shirts. But her image soon vanished, and there was
Veronica still. “Nick?” she whispered
his name again, her brow furrowed.
“Yeah,” he said. “I’m comin’…”
He followed her back in the bedroom
and tried to undress. When he fumbled
with his shirt buttons and nearly toppled over trying to get his pants off, she
quietly came over to help him. Then they
slid into bed, back to back, a foot or two of mattress separating their bodies.
As soon as his leaden head sunk down
into the soft pillow, Nick started to drift off. He did not even notice that Veronica had not
spoken a word to him the whole time they’d been in the room together. Nor did he notice the ragged, tremulous
breaths of someone trying hard to cry silently coming from her side of the
bed. And by morning, the tearstains on
her pillow would be dry.
In the dark of night
These faces, they haunt me
Well, I wish you were
So close to me
Yes, I wish you were
By my side
- “By My Side” by INXS
AN: Thanks to Susan for thinking of these lyrics when I
first titled the story… they’ve been a LONG time in coming LOL
***