Chapter 148
Nothing seems to be the way that it used to
Everything seems shallow
God, give me truth in me
And tell me somebody’s watching over me
And that is all I’m praying, is that
Someday I will understand
In God’s whole plan
And what he’s done to me
Oh, but maybe
Someday I will breathe
And I’ll finally see
See it all in my baby…
At the
sound of a key sliding into the lock on the front door, Claire put the TV on
mute and waited, silently. She heard the
doorknob turn and the door open and then Jamie’s footsteps in the
entryway. Following his muffled
footfalls up the carpeted steps to the main level of the house, she tensed and
braced herself to confront him.
He appeared
in the living room. “Hey,” was all he
said, looking mildly surprised to see her up so early and sitting on what had
served as his bed the two nights before last.
“Good
morning,” she greeted him coolly. “Have
fun with your friends last night?”
“Yeah,” he
replied evenly. “Drank a little too
much, so I just crashed on Ray’s couch for the night.”
“Well, you
must have felt right at home then,” she quipped, with a wry smile.
He
smirked. “Didn’t feel too different,
no.” After a pause, he added, “Hope you
didn’t wait up for me. I was gonna call,
but I figured you would already be in bed.
I didn’t want to wake you up.”
“I didn’t,”
she said curtly. “But since you’re here
now, can we talk? Civilly? Like two married adults?”
Jamie
surveyed her for a moment and then gave a short nod. He came further into the room and sat down on
a chair. She switched off the TV and
turned towards him.
“Listen. You made yourself pretty clear yesterday
about what to do with the babies. You
don’t want to do the reduction.
Okay. They’re your children too,
you’re my husband, and I wouldn’t do anything unless you and I were in
agreement about it,” said Claire, and Jamie seemed to relax a little. “But,” she added, and she could see him tense
up again, “I just hope that you’re willing to stick to your wedding vows, no
matter what happens.”
“What is
that supposed to mean?” Jamie asked defensively. “Of course I’m going to stick to my
vows! What are you talking about??”
“I’m
talking, mainly, about the part that goes ‘in sickness and in health…’ I need to know that you’re going to be there
for me and for our babies if something goes wrong. You heard what Dr. Gray said the other day,
about all the things that could happen if I go through with this pregnancy as
is. I could get sick, really sick. If I go into congestive heart failure, I’m
not going to be able to take care of three babies. I won’t have the energy. You’ll be in charge of changing their
diapers, carrying them around in the night when they’re screaming, taking them
to their check-ups with the pediatrician, and everything else I won’t be able
to do.”
“I don’t
see how you’ll be able to handle all of that yourself with triplets and still
work, but you won’t be able to quit your job because I’ll probably be too sick
to work, and we’ll need money for the costs of three children. We’ll probably have to hire a nanny to take
care of the kids during the day, but that will be expensive. Plus, we’ll have my medical bills to worry
about. I’ll be on meds, maybe home
oxygen therapy, and I might be in and out of the hospital. If it gets bad enough that I need a
transplant and am lucky enough to get one, I’ll be hospitalized for weeks, and
even once I get out, I’ll be on medication for the rest of my life. Expensive medication. Of course, that’s if I get a
transplant. If I don’t, I’ll eventually
die, and then you’ll be in the clear, except for the funeral costs.”
“But then,
of course, you’ll be raising triplets on your own. They might have medical bills of their own,
if they’re born with health problems. A
lot of preemies are, and like Dr. Gray said, it’s pretty doubtful I’ll be able
to carry this pregnancy to term. They’ll
be born early, and they’ll probably be in the hospital for weeks. Those will be some big bills. Then, when they get out, we still might have
to pay for medicine for them and further treatments, if they have chronic
problems. They might have severe
learning disabilities, and then we’ll have to think about getting them tutors
or sending them to special schools so that they can get the best education
possible.”
“Even then,
you’ll have to accept the fact that you might not have three perfect
children. No child is perfect, of
course, but with everything stacked against us, we can’t count on having three
normal, healthy kids. I know that I’ll
love them no matter what, but I just want to make sure you’ll be okay
with the fact that they might not take after you, top of the class and stars of
the soccer team. After all, you’re going
to be a very important part of their lives.
If something happens to me, you’ll be their only parent. They’re going to need your love and
support. You won’t be able to just up
and abandon them if you can’t handle taking care of them. And if you can’t, then… what’s the
point? I don’t want to bring three
children into this world, only to have them abandoned by their father. I need to know that, no matter what, you’re
going to be there for them, and for me.”
Claire
finished her speech and stared directly at her husband. She had expected him to interrupt her, to
protest, to argue, to tell her she was being melodramatic, or to just walk out
again. But he hadn’t. Jamie had been very quiet the entire time,
and now that she had stopped talking and could really study him, she saw that
he had gone very white. Silent, pale,
and frozen, he looked almost like a corpse.
She knew
she had gotten to him.
That had
been her plan, of course. Scare
tactics. She hadn’t been exaggerating
with anything she had said; it was all a reality. Yet she knew Jamie didn’t want to hear
it. He preferred to avoid talking about
all the things that could go wrong and keep on living in his little bubble
world, in which he and she would raise three perfect, happy, healthy children
together. She liked the picture inside
his bubble too, but it wasn’t a reality.
It would be a miracle if their lives actually turned out that way.
The only
way to get through to him, she had realized, was to lay it all out there for
him, to be blunt and direct and make sure that he was really willing to take
the risk. She knew he would hate hearing
it, and she could tell he had, although he hadn’t stopped her. That was saying something.
It took
almost a full minute for Jamie to respond, but finally, he spoke. “It’s not gonna be like that, Claire. We have to have faith. You can’t always take what doctors say as
pure fact. Your doctor back in Tampa
didn’t think all three embryos would even take, but they did. See, our babies are strong. They’re going to survive, and they’re going
to be just fine. God wouldn’t have
blessed us with three healthy embryos only to take them away. And you… you’re strong too. You’re stronger than any woman I know. You’ve made it through so much already, God
wouldn’t let you get sick again with something you couldn’t beat. You just have to put your faith in Him.”
Claire was
still staring at him. He was serious,
she realized. He actually seemed to – or
wanted desperately to – believe that they were somehow untouchable, that God
wouldn’t let anything bad happen to their family. In a way, he reminded her of a reckless
teenager who somehow thought, stubbornly, innocently, that he was invincible.
“Jamie…” She said his name softly. “It doesn’t work that way. I believe in God as much as you do, and I’ve
prayed every night for this pregnancy to go well and for us to be blessed with
healthy babies. But God doesn’t always
answer our prayers. Bad things happen,
no matter how much faith you have. When
my cancer went into remission the first time, I thanked God, and I prayed that
it would never come back, but it did.”
“Yeah, but
you beat it. You’re cured now. See, God came through; He was just testing
your faith.”
She shook
her head slowly, and suddenly, she felt like crying. “What about the people who don’t beat
it? Are you saying they die because they
somehow have less faith than me? Because
that’s bullshit, Jamie; that’s bullshit.
I lost a friend to leukemia two-and-a-half years ago. He had the same damn disease as me, went
through the same treatments, even had a bone marrow transplant, just like
me. He was in remission for over four
years before he relapsed. But the cancer
came back. Talk about a blow. But even then, he kept fighting. He had faith.
He thought he was going to recover and go back to fifth grade. Yeah, that’s right,” she added, when she saw
Jamie’s eyes widen, “he was eleven years old.
He was just a kid, an innocent kid, and God didn’t come through for
him. Based on your logic, we should all
be angry at God then, right? Casey and
his family put their faith in Him, and He let them down.”
Jamie
didn’t answer, though he seemed to be grasping for words.
“God
doesn’t just give us whatever we want. I
didn’t want Casey to die, and Casey certainly didn’t want to die, but he
did. Why, I don’t know, but that’s just
how life is. Bad things happen. That’s why we’re in the position we are now,
because I got cancer, and the treatments for it made me sterile and fucked up
my heart, so now I’m pregnant with three babies that I might not be able to
carry. And it sucks, but if I
hadn’t had the treatments, I’d be dead now.
God wouldn’t have saved me, no matter how much faith I had. It would have gone against science; it would
have been a miracle. And miracles don’t
happen that often. We can’t count on a
miracle here, Jamie; we have to be realistic.
We have to trust the doctors. We
can thank God all we want for the fact that I’m still here and pregnant with
our children, but face it – without doctors, without modern medicine, that
wouldn’t be the case.”
Jamie had
no argument. He looked pale and
defeated, as if he knew she was right, but didn’t want to accept it. “So what do you want to do?” he asked her
finally, barely moving his lips as a mumbled the question. “You wanna have the abortion?”
“It’s not
what I want to do,” she clarified, struggling to keep her voice from
shaking. She had to be strong, or they’d
never make it through this. “But I do
think the reduction is the best option, for the health of the other two babies
and me.”
He nodded
wordlessly, staring down into his lap.
“What do
you think?” Claire asked, after a long pause.
Jamie
didn’t look up. From the side, she could
see his adam’s apple bob as he swallowed hard.
He seemed to be collecting his thoughts, choosing his words
carefully. Finally, he answered her. “Alright,” he croaked. “If… if you think it’s best, then… alright.”
She watched
him cautiously. “Are you sure?”
He glanced
up, very briefly, and met her eyes. Then
he looked away again. “I don’t wanna
lose you. I don’t want you to be sick
again,” he mumbled. “And I don’t want
our kids to be sick either. So… so if
you and the doctor and everyone thinks it’s for the best, then… okay. We’ll do what we have to.”
Claire had
thought that once she had finally had this talk with him, once they had finally
come to a mutual agreement, one way or the other, she would feel relieved. But she didn’t. Now that the decision had been made, she felt
sick to her stomach.
She spent
the next half hour in the bathroom. She
threw up twice, choked down one of the morning sickness pills she had been
prescribed, and then sat down on the closed toilet seat and cried.
Finally,
when she had composed herself again, she went to the kitchen, turned over the
little white card on the counter, and made the hardest phone call of her life.
***
Don’t you run too fast, my dear
Why don’t you stop?
Stop and listen to your tears
They’re all you’ve got
It’s in you
You see, somebody’s watching over you
And that is all I’m praying, is that
Someday, you will understand
In God’s whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh, but maybe
Someday, you will breathe
And you’ll finally see
See it all in your baby
See it all in your baby…
A few days
later, Claire lay on a stainless steel table in a white room that seemed both
cold and unforgiving. Jamie sat next to
her in a hard-backed chair, looking at anything but her, while Dr. Gray stood
on her other side, next to an ultrasound monitor and a surgical tray.
She had
been on this same floor of the hospital two days ago for an ultrasound. A part of her had wished that something would
have happened to one of the babies, that the heart would have stopped beating
on its own, or that the fetus would show a serious abnormality that had not
registered earlier. It would have spared
her the guilt of what she was about to have done. But the ultrasound had shown three normal
fetuses with three strong heartbeats, and she had dissolved into tears again
once the technician left her alone.
She and
Jamie had talked to one of the hospital’s counselors, or rather, she had
talked, while Jamie sat, silent and sullen.
The counselor seemed slightly alarmed by his behavior, but assured
Claire that she was doing the right thing, the best thing for her own health
and for her other children. Her words,
though meant to be reassuring, had not made Claire feel any better about it.
Yet, here
she was, lying on this table with the knowledge that once she got up from it,
everything would be different. She would
be the expectant mother of twins… not triplets.
At the thought, tears threatened again, but she held them back, knowing
she would never make it through this if she allowed herself to start crying
before Dr. Gray even began the procedure.
She wished
the obstetrician would just hurry up and get it over with, but Dr. Gray
insisted on going over the process one more time with her. “I know you’ve heard this before, but I just
want to review the procedure one last time before we get started,” said the
doctor. “In a minute, I’m going to spray
a local anesthetic on your belly, which will numb you up. Then I’ll insert a needle through your
abdomen and into your uterus. The
ultrasound will help me see where the needle is going. The monitor shows that one of the fetuses is
slightly smaller than the other two and in a reachable position, so unless you
have another preference, that is the one I’ll… reduce.”
It was a
gentle way of wording it. Claire knew
what she was really going to do. The
needle she spoke of would be used to inject the chosen fetus with a chemical
called potassium chloride, which would stop its heart. The thought made her stomach turn and her own
heart start to race. Could she really do
this? Could she really lie here, on this
table, and let this doctor kill one of her babies?
“Can you
tell the sexes yet?”
The sudden
question, spoken in a male voice, caught Claire by surprise, and it took her a
few seconds to realize that it had been Jamie who’d asked it. He was the only man in the room, but he had
been very quiet the entire time. She
looked over at him, then back at the doctor.
Dr. Gray
shook her head. “Sorry, no. It’s too early. Male and female genitalia still look fairly
similar at this stage, and we won’t be able to tell the difference on an
ultrasound for at least another month.”
“Oh,” Jamie
said shortly and looked away again.
Claire frowned at him, wanting to ask why it really mattered, but she
didn’t. She didn’t want to think too
much about which baby had been selected for “reduction.”
The
smallest one, she realized. The
runt. Out of nowhere, she thought of Charlotte’s
Web, and how the farmer had wanted to kill Wilbur, the runty piglet, until
his daughter had stopped him. As a
little girl, she had always empathized with Fern, horrorstruck at the thought
of killing a little baby pig just because he was smaller than all the rest. And now Dr. Gray was telling her she was
going to aim for the smallest fetus, as if that was supposed to make her feel
better about her choice.
Despite her
best efforts to control it, a tear slipped from her eye. Dr. Gray saw it and stopped talking for a
moment. She gave Claire a sympathetic
smile, then reached down and patted her hand.
“I know how hard this is,” she said.
“Just remember, you’re doing this to protect the other two. This will give them the chance to grow bigger
and be born healthy.”
Claire
nodded listlessly, wiping her eyes. She
glanced over at Jamie again, but he was staring blankly at the floor, looking
almost catatonic. She wished he would
take her hand, touch her shoulder, give her some sign that they had made the
right decision, but he did not seem to want to touch her or even look at
her. A part of her was surprised he had
even come, though she had scheduled the procedure for evening on purpose, so
that he wouldn’t have to miss a day at his new job. She had wanted him to be here with her for
this, but now that they were, she was disappointed by the lack of support he
was giving her. Just like with
everything else she’d endured, she was going to have to get through this on her
own.
“Are you
ready?” Dr. Gray asked quietly, and Claire forced herself to nod again, knowing
she could not find her voice to say yes.
She would never be “ready” for this, yet she knew it had to be done. She and Jamie had made their decision, and
now she just wanted the inevitable over with.
She
flinched as Dr. Gray sprayed her stomach with the icy anesthetic solution, and
the nurse that was assisting repositioned the ultrasound probe. “Now, I need you to stay absolutely still
while I’m inserting the needle,” warned the doctor, as she picked the
instrument up from the tray beside her.
“Jamie, it might help if you held Claire’s hand through this…”
At her
words, Jamie finally looked over. His
skin was pale and clammy, and when he saw the long needle in the doctor’s hand,
his face went completely white. When he
did not reach for her hand, Claire reached for his. He reluctantly let her take his hand; it was
cold and limp. She gripped it tightly
and stared up at the ceiling, willing herself to lie still as Dr. Gray guided
the needle to the right spot.
She felt
pressure as the needle went in, but no pain.
Not of the physical kind, anyway.
Her flesh was numb and tingling; it was her soul that ached.
The
emotional pain skyrocketed as Jamie suddenly ripped his hand out of hers and
stood with such abruptness that his chair nearly toppled over. “I… I can’t watch this,” he said hoarsely,
two seconds before he turned and fled the room.
“Jamie!”
Claire cried after him, and the nurse quickly came forward and pressed her hand
against Claire’s shoulder, holding her down.
“Don’t
move,” Dr. Gray warned her, her voice calm, yet firm. “The needle’s in; you have to stay still.”
Claire bit
down on her bottom lip as the tears started to flow from her eyes, her
restraint gone. The nurse took her hand,
holding it the way Jamie should have been as Dr. Gray went ahead with the
injection.
The
procedure itself took only a few minutes.
Before Claire knew it, the pressure in her belly was gone, and the
doctor was saying, “The needle’s out.
You can relax now.”
The nurse
patted her shoulder and added, “You did really well, hon,” but Claire didn’t
feel she’d done well, and she couldn’t relax.
Her heart was pounding with barely-controlled panic, as she thought of
the poison that had just been injected into her baby. It was dying inside of her right now, and it
was all her fault. She had signed the
papers allowing it to be killed. Her
baby… her own child…
She could
hardly look at Dr. Gray, who stood staring at the ultrasound monitor. The monitor was turned away from Claire, so
that she could not see the screen, and she was glad. She did not want to see what she knew Dr.
Gray must be watching – the flickering heartbeat of the baby slow and finally
stop. She closed her eyes, not wanting
to catch the moment when the doctor’s expression changed, the moment when the
steady movement on the monitor ceased.
Even with
her eyes closed, when it happened, she knew.
She heard the slight intake of breath, the brief pause, before Dr. Gray said
quietly, “It’s over now.”
Overcome
with grief, Claire squeezed her eyes even more tightly shut, forcing more tears
out. She made no effort to wipe them
away this time, letting them trickle down the sides of her face, leaving
sticky, salty tearstains in their wake.
The nurse kept patting her shoulder.
“It’s okay,” she whispered soothingly.
“I know this is hard, but you’ll be okay. You just need some time. It’s okay to cry; just let it out. That’s how you grieve.”
Claire
didn’t need the nurse, a woman who was probably only a few years older than
her, talking to her like she was a child, but she didn’t have the strength to
tell her to back off.
“Claire,
I’m going to let you rest,” Dr. Gray spoke up.
“Try to relax; it’s not good for you or the babies to get too worked
up. I’ll be back to see how you’re doing
in an hour, and if you feel okay then, you can go home. But for now, just lie back and rest.”
Claire
opened her eyes. “Will you see if my
husband’s out there when you go?” she managed to ask, though her voice sounded
choked.
“Of
course. I’ll send Jamie back in if I see
him,” Dr. Gray promised. She offered
Claire a sympathetic smile and added, “What you’ve just been through is
incredibly tough, as you know. Every
parent reacts differently. He’s not the
first dad I’ve seen run out of the room during a procedure.”
Claire was
not comforted. She didn’t care how tough
it had been on Jamie; she was the one who had had to lie here while the
doctor put a needle in her body.
Running out of the room wasn’t an option for her. She was furious at him for not staying with
her, no matter how much it hurt him.
Didn’t he realize she was hurting too?
It had about killed her to have to make this decision, and his
abandoning her at the very last second was like plunging a knife right into her
heart. Fresh tears, angry tears,
streamed from her eyes.
“It’s
natural to get emotional after this kind of procedure,” said the nurse, in
another attempt to console her, still rubbing her shoulder. “In fact, we worry more about the moms who
don’t cry afterward.”
Numb, thought Claire, those women probably feel numb. She wished she could feel as numb as the
flesh of her stomach did, but her insides were raw with emotion. Grief, guilt, anger, regret – she felt it
all. And when the door to the room
opened a few minutes later, and Jamie walked in, she felt relief. It was odd, but even though a part of her
hated him for running out on her, she was glad he had come back.
“Jamie,”
she whispered, and more tears spilled, as he came closer. He had been crying too, she could see; his
blue eyes were bloodshot and red-rimmed.
Somehow, the observation made her feel better. It helped to know that he was grieving
too. That he could still feel.
“I’ll leave
you two alone for awhile,” said the nurse, finally releasing Claire’s
shoulder. “Here’s a call button; just
press it if you need anything, hon.”
She placed the device in Claire’s hand and left the room quickly.
Claire
looked at Jamie, who was now standing next to her. He looked at the floor. “I talked to the doctor,” he said
stiffly. “She said it’s… it’s done?” He glanced up to see Claire nod. Then he looked down again. “Are you mad at me?” he asked, after a pause.
Her anger
returned in a rush. “You think?” she
snapped. “How could you do that to
me? How could you just leave??”
He refused
to look at her. “I’m sorry,” he
muttered. “I just couldn’t stand to be
here when… ‘it’… happened.”
“Nice that
you get that option, huh? I had
to be here. You could have at least
stayed for me,” she retorted bitterly.
“I scheduled this for tonight just so you could be here. I didn’t expect to have you bail on me at the
last second. But I should have,
huh? ‘Cause that’s always what
you do, Jamie. Whenever the going gets
tough, you bail on me!”
“I’m
sorry,” he repeated. “I saw the needle,
and I flipped out, okay? I didn’t want
to see it happen.”
“You could
have closed your eyes! All I wanted was
for you to be here and hold my hand, and you couldn’t even do that! What kind of man are you? Are you that much of a pansy, or are you just
selfish? I thought we were past this
shit, Jamie! I thought you grew up! You sure can put on a good act sometimes, but
when it comes down to it, it’s always the same old crap with you!” she cried.
He looked
up at her, his cheeks red, his eyes bright with tears. “You know I love you, Claire,” he
whispered. “It’s just… it’s a lot to
handle sometimes. I’m not as used to it
as you are.”
She stared
at him in disgust. “Do I know
that? You say you love me, but if you
do, you need to love all of me. I’m
sorry if my life is too much for you to handle, but you better get used to it,
‘cause this is it, babe. You know the
saying ‘no pain, no gain’? That’s kind
of how it works… I may be cured from my
cancer, but all the treatments that saved my life had side effects, and not all
of them are just the kind that go away once the treatment is over. I’m not ever going to be the perfect picture
of health. I may have problems down the
road that I’m not even anticipating right now.
And if I do, you’re going to have to deal with them too, if you wanna
stay married to me. You’re either there
for me, or you’re not, and if you’re not…”
She shook her head, the tears rising up again.
“I’m here
for you now,” he insisted, and finally, he reached out and took her hand. “I’m sorry about before, but I’m here now.”
“Seems like
I’ve heard that from you before,” she muttered angrily, looking away. “It’s always ‘I’m sorry,’ but you never
change. How can you mean it, if you
never change?”
“I’m
trying,” Jamie said lamely.
“Yeah,
well, it doesn’t seem like it.” She
yanked her hand out of his and turned her head away from him, seething. He didn’t say anything, and neither did
she. She lay like that for the next
forty-five minutes, her eyes streaming as the anesthetic wore off and her
stomach started to cramp.
When Dr.
Gray came back, she assured Claire that some minor cramping and discomfort was
normal, but to come back if she experienced any bleeding. “You need to take it easy and rest at home
for the next twenty-four hours. After
that, you can resume normal activities.
I need to see you back in a week for another ultrasound to check on the
other babies,” said the doctor.
Claire left
the hospital with a post-procedural instruction sheet and an appointment card
for her follow-up ultrasound. She
clutched both pieces of paper tightly in her lap as Jamie drove her home,
barely saying a word. When they got to
the house, she announced, “I’m gonna lay down,” and retreated to the
bedroom. Minutes later, she heard
Jamie’s footsteps pounding down to the basement. Muffled strains of the TV followed.
Sighing,
she pulled off her shoes and lay down on the bed, curling into a little
ball. Her hand drifted to her stomach,
massaging it gently. There’s just two
of you in there now, she thought sadly, and just when she thought she was
all out of tears, more of them sprang to her eyes.
Had she
made the right decision? She would
always wonder and probably never know.
It would forever be a case of “what if?” What if she had kept the triplet pregnancy? What would have happened? She would never know, now that she’d chosen
to kill one of the babies.
Even as she
mourned the one, she kept on rubbing her stomach, thinking of the other two,
the two which still resided in her womb.
She prayed they would both be healthy.
If they turned out to be okay, then maybe she would be able to let go of
the guilt. Maybe then she would feel,
deep down, she had made the right decision.
But until then, she would not know.
And until then, the guilt would not go away.
“I’m
sorry,” she whispered, turning onto her back, so that she could look up at the
ceiling. “I’m so sorry…”
No moment will be more true
Than the moment I look at you
It’s in you
See, somebody’s watching over you
And that is all I’m praying, is that
Someday, you will understand
In God’s whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh, but maybe
Someday, you will breathe
And you’ll finally see
You’ll see it all in your baby
See it all in your baby…
- “Someday I Will Understand” by
Britney Spears
***