Chapter 154
Back at the
empty house in Clive, Claire sat and watched the clock as 5:30 came and
went. Jamie did not come home, and after
nearly an hour of waiting and wondering, Claire picked up the phone and called
him.
“Hey.” Her husband’s voice was dull as he answered.
“Hi,” she
replied. Deciding not to bother with the
usual pleasantries, she added bluntly, “Just thought I’d call and see if you’re
planning on coming home tonight.”
It took
Jamie a few seconds to answer. When he
did, it was not the answer she had been hoping for. “Actually, I’ve… I’ve got some stuff to do,
and some stuff to think about. I need to
clear my head…” he mumbled vaguely, his voice still a toneless murmur. “I’ll be home later, but it might not be till
late. Don’t wait up for me.”
Wondering
if Jamie’s idea of “clearing his head” meant drinking himself into oblivion
again, Claire snapped “Fine!” and hung up on him in a rush of anger. Afterwards, she stared down at the phone in
her hand, her vision starting to blur as tears of frustration and desperation
filled her eyes. How long was this
pattern going to continue? She wasn’t
sure how much more of this she could take – the isolation… the resentment
between her and her husband… the brief, angry exchanges that should have been
long, honest conversations…
She hated
living this way and feeling like this.
It was a million times worse than the loneliness she’d felt living alone
in Nick’s mansion when he was working in LA, and if it had not been for Nick
himself being nearby in Des Moines, she might have seriously considered just
packing her bags and flying home to Tampa to escape it.
But
instead, she clicked on the phone again and called Nick.
***
Nick
couldn’t deny it – the selfish side of him had been secretly pleased when
Claire had called, upset again because Jamie had not come home after work.
Of course,
a part of him was also exasperated that Jamie, even after his melodramatic
breakdown barely an hour earlier, hadn’t driven straight home to grovel at her feet
and attempt to ease all of the pain he had caused her. The lack of action on Jamie’s part made Nick
feel more convinced than ever that Claire’s husband was nothing but a
two-faced, cowardly, lying sack of shit – to put it kindly.
And because
of that, he had to smile when Claire asked humbly, “Do you wanna do something
tonight?”
“Yeah,
totally. I thought I was gonna be bored
by myself all night,” he replied casually, though on the inside, he felt
elated.
He had put
himself in a place of incredible power, he realized, simply by being in Des
Moines for the weekend. While Jamie was
neglecting her, he was the only one around she could turn to, and the more
Jamie stayed away, the more he unknowingly pushed her right back into Nick’s
arms. If this kept up, Nick felt
confident that Claire would inevitably leave Jamie, marriage vows or not. He knew how impulsive she got when there were
hormones raging through her, and sooner or later, she would decide she’d have
enough and end her whole mess of a marriage.
And when she did, Nick would be there for her, as he’d always been.
And if
something came out of it... well, Nick wasn’t counting on that part, but he
couldn’t deny that the thought had crossed his mind… and if, if it did,
he sure wouldn’t mind. No matter how
many times he tried to assure himself that he was over Claire, he would always
feel the old tingling of feelings for her deep down inside him whenever he saw
her face or heard her voice.
He sent
another taxi to pick her up, and when she got into town, he took her out to
dinner. She was quiet at first, Jamie on
her mind, but as they ate, they both fell back into the comfortable aura that
had surrounded them that morning and the night before, and she soon became more
of her usual, talkative self. Looking at
her across the table, it wasn’t hard for Nick to imagine that they were eating
at a restaurant in Tampa instead of Des Moines, that she wasn’t pregnant with
Jamie’s babies but still dreaming about how she and Nick would be parents one
day, that they were just as they had been three years ago, happy together and
engaged to be married.
Nick knew
it wasn’t healthy to keep dwelling on the past, but his memories painted a much
prettier picture than the reality of Claire starting a family with a man who
abandoned her every time she needed him.
That picture had doom written all over it in slashes of stark, red
paint, and, noticing Claire’s pale face and weary eyes as she glanced up from
her plate, Nick got the impression that he wasn’t the only one who could see
it. Though Claire was trying to carry on
a conversation and act like she was okay, she took on a look of worry and
defeat every time there was a lull, her eyes glazing slightly as her mind
inevitably wandered back to Jamie.
Nick wished
he could find a way to take her mind off of everything and cheer her up, if
only temporarily, and so he suggested going to see a movie after dinner. Claire seemed to contemplate it for a moment,
then scrunched up her face and asked, “Would you mind if we just rented
something instead? I don’t think I can
sit through a whole movie without having to get up and go to the bathroom, and
I hate doing that in the middle of movie theaters. But god, I feel like I have to pee every ten
minutes, and I’m not even three months pregnant yet. By the time I’m ready to push these kids out,
I’m gonna be going every ten seconds.
Might as well just have myself cathed so I can pee into a bag and not
worry about it at that point,” she laughed, as they stood on the sidewalk
outside the restaurant, waiting for a cab.
Nick made a
face, though he was amused as ever by her brashness. There wasn’t much Claire was embarrassed to
talk about, especially in front of him.
She was exaggerating, but he had noticed that she had gone to the ladies
room at the restaurant both before dinner and right before they’d left, and of
course, he had teased her about it.
Still, he understood why she wouldn’t want to go out to a movie, and so
he replied, “Sure. You wanna just head
back to my hotel and see what’s on pay-per-view?”
“Yeah, that
sounds great.” She smiled, as he turned
and put out his hand to hail a taxi.
When they
got back to Nick’s hotel room, Claire immediately stretched out on the large
bed, as she had the night before. “My
poor ankles,” she moaned, lifting one of her swollen feet into the air. “Cankles, is more like it. Gross.”
Nick
laughed as he climbed on next to her.
“Lemme see,” he said, motioning for her to move her foot towards
him. She twisted around on the bed so
that she was now sprawled sideways across it and, of course, stuck her bare
feet right in his face with a gleeful smile.
Nick made an exaggerated face.
“Well, they smell a little ripe,” he added, calmly pushing her feet
down, “but other than that, they’re not too gross. Not as gross as AJ’s feet anyway.”
Claire
giggled. “AJ has gross feet?”
Nick
shrugged. “All guys have gross feet,
don’t they? Well, except for me – I just
have one gross foot. The other one’s
plastic.” He cracked a smile, and she
smiled back, sticking her tongue out at him.
“At least
plastic feet don’t puff up like goddamn marshmallows,” she replied, glaring
comically at her feet, which were currently sitting in Nick’s lap. “How am I gonna fit those things into my
shoes when it’s too cold to wear flip-flops?”
“If you
come back to Florida, you won’t need to worry about it,” Nick said
automatically, without even thinking.
When he realized what he’d said, he looked over at Claire, just in time
to see a shadowy look flicker across her face.
“I wish I
could,” she said quietly, all humor cast out of her voice. “I can’t say living here has been the best
experience so far. It’s been nothing but
hell since we moved here. I’m trying to
have a good attitude about it, but how can I, when everything started going
wrong as soon as we got here?”
“I don’t
blame ya,” replied Nick, rubbing the top of her left foot.
Claire
sighed and flopped her head dramatically back onto the mattress. “I just hope things will be different once
the babies are born,” she murmured, running her hand across her stomach. “And I keep praying to God that nothing else
will go wrong. I just don’t think I can
take one more thing, Nick. Two healthy
babies… that’s all I want. Otherwise, I
will have sacrificed the third for nothing…”
Nick
squeezed her foot harder. “You didn’t do
it for nothing,” he reassured her firmly.
“It’ll all work out. Everything
happens for a reason, right? That’s what
you’ve always said.”
Lifting her
head, Claire offered him a thin smile.
“I hope so.”
He returned
the smile tightly and picked up her foot, starting to massage it gently, from
her toes to her swollen ankle. Claire
giggled at first, as his fingers ran across her arch, but she was soon sighing
in ecstasy. “Oh my God, that feels so
good,” she moaned. “Why didn’t I ever
make you give me foot rubs when we were-”
She cut herself off abruptly, but Nick smiled knowingly.
“Together?”
he supplied, and their eyes locked momentarily.
Then they both looked away. They
had beaten the odds and managed to maintain a close friendship after their
engagement ended… but there would always be an awkwardness there. And, for Nick at least, a wistfulness, a
yearning for what had been. Even though
she had been the one to end it, he wondered if Claire ever felt the same
way. She was sure blushing now, but she
tried to hide it.
“Yeah,” she
said, recovering quickly. “How come I
never got a foot massage from you then, mister?”
“Cause I
was too busy rubbing your back?”
“Mmm…” She smiled.
“You’re good at that too.”
“So are
you.”
It happened
again then – the meeting of eyes, followed by the quick diversion of gazes and,
this time, a pair of awkward chuckles.
Nick looked back down, pretending to suddenly be very interested in her
foot as he worked it between his hands.
Its bottom was rough, her sole thick and callused from years of walking
around barefoot, but the top was surprisingly soft and smooth.
“You’ve got
a flip-flop line,” he laughed, running his fingers across two strips of skin
that were paler white than the rest of her foot, exactly in the shape of
flip-flop straps.
“Still?”
she joined in the laughter, sitting up to look.
“I’m surprised it’s still there – I haven’t exactly been out in the sun
much the last couple of weeks. Maybe
it’s just permanent by now.”
“Typical
Florida girl,” Nick smiled. “Maybe it’ll
fade after you’ve been here all winter.”
“Ugh, don’t
remind me again,” she groaned, letting herself topple backwards onto the bed
once more. “I’m gonna have to find some
big, roomy snow boots.”
“You can
make snow angels.”
“I’d rather
make sand angels.”
They
exchanged glances again, and Nick started laughing at her expression of
defiance. She soon joined in, and before
long, she was laughing uncontrollably, the way girls sometimes did. He wasn’t sure what was so funny, but it was
nice to hear her laugh. It must have
been nice for her too, because when she was finally finished, there were tears
streaming down the sides of her face. At
first, he was worried, but then he realized she was smiling.
Letting out
a sigh, she turned her face toward him and said, “Thank you for coming
here. I really needed this. You can always make me laugh.”
Nick
returned her smile, feeling drawn to her bright eyes. He wasn’t even sure what exactly he had done
to make her feel better, but he was glad he had come too.
***
The house
in Clive was dark and empty when Claire returned to it later that night. She sighed as she entered, turning on lights
and locking the door behind her. Jamie
wasn’t home, and she wondered why she had bothered coming back at all. It had just seemed wrong to spend a second
night in Nick’s hotel room, even if she did feel a hell of a lot happier there.
She
undressed and climbed into her own bed instead, the bed she shared with Jamie
on a regular night. But tonight, the bed
was cold and empty, and as she slid beneath the cool sheets on her side,
rolling away from the empty side and hugging a pillow to her chest, she
couldn’t help but long for the familiar comfort of a strong pair of arms around
her.
Being
pregnant – and, especially, being pregnant and living so far away from her
family – had made her feel unusually vulnerable, and she envied the pregnant
women who had doting husbands to share in their excitement. This was supposed to be a happy time for her
and Jamie… and instead, they were barely speaking, sleeping in different
places, grieving privately over their loss and not together, the way they
should have been. It made her angry, but
more than anything, it made her sad. And
whenever she went to bed alone and laid in the dark, quiet bedroom with only
her own thoughts for company, the melancholy was at its worst.
She had been
hoping and dreaming for this for years – a husband, children on the way… a family.
And now, the whole thing was turning into a disaster. With each passing day, she hoped and prayed
that things would get better, but so far they hadn’t. And the longer Jamie acted this way, the more
afraid she became. What was going to
happen to them? She loved Jamie… but she
wasn’t happy, and she knew she could not stay in an unhappy marriage. She owed herself more than that. But the thought of divorce, when she had been
married not even eight months, was depressing and terrifying.
It wasn’t
that she couldn’t stand to be alone again.
She could… she knew she could.
She was strong and independent, and if she had to leave Jamie for her
own wellbeing, she would. It would be
hard, terribly hard, and crushing, to realize that her marriage had failed… but
she would pick herself up and go on with her life.
But it
wasn’t just about her now. There were
children involved… two children who were not yet born, but whom Claire already
loved unconditionally. And though she
loved them with all her heart, the thought of raising twins on her own was
overwhelming. It scared her. How would she ever handle caring for and
supporting two babies, all by herself?
She knew she wouldn’t be totally alone – if it came to that, she would
move back to Florida in a heartbeat, to be near her family, and they would help
her. But her parents wouldn’t be around
forever, and her own health was always a threat. What if, God forbid, something happened to
her? Who would take care of the twins
then?
There in
the darkness, Claire could feel her pulse quicken as her thoughts ran away from
her. Few people knew how she sometimes
overreacted, letting herself become overwhelmed with thoughts and worries,
because she was good at staying calm on the outside. But on the inside, her heart thumped with the
terror of what could happen if her marriage fell apart.
Jamie had
to come around. He had to be
there for her and their babies. He had
stood at her side before an altar and taken vows; he had sat next to her at all
of her appointments at the fertility clinic, as they both hoped and prayed that
she could conceive. Sooner or later, he
was going to come home and honor his commitments; he was going to see her
through this pregnancy and be a father to his children. He had to.
The last
thing she remembered doing before she drifted off to sleep was praying, praying
that someone would get through to Jamie and send him home to her.
***
When she
awoke the next morning, Claire found that her prayers had been answered. A lap tray sat poised on Jamie’s side of the
bed, and it held all the makings of a perfect breakfast in bed. A glass of orange juice sloshed precariously
as she sat up, the mattress moving beneath her weight, and next to it sat a
large plate lined with French toast sticks, strips of bacon, and three eggs
sunny-side-up.
The food
had been arranged to spell out “I’M SORRY!” on her plate.
The smell
of the bacon and eggs, which would normally make her mouth water, made her feel
sort of queasy, and she knew she would never be able to eat all of that food,
but the message made her smile. A
little. “I’m sorry” spelled out in
greasy food wasn’t the sincerest apology Claire had ever received, but it was a
nice, creative start.
She looked
around for any other sign of Jamie and smiled again when she spotted the large
vase of fresh flowers perched on her night table. The clear vase was crammed full of lavender
roses and darker purple hyacinths, fifteen blossoms in all. The small card tied to the vase read, again, I’m
sorry.
“Jamie?”
she called, and within a minute, he appeared, looking sheepish, nervous, and
hopeful, all at once.
“Morning,”
he said quietly and offered a very slight smile.
She didn’t
let herself smile back. “What is all
this?” she asked, motioning to the flowers and the breakfast tray.
“Think of
it as a peace offering,” said Jamie, looking wary as he came closer and perched
on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry,
Clairie. I… I know I haven’t been there
for you, the way I should have been. I’m
a crappy excuse for a husband.” He
looked at her cautiously, and when she didn’t argue his last point, his cheeks
flushed slightly. But he didn’t give
up. “I just wanna make it up to you,” he
offered, leaning closer to her and giving her his well-practiced puppy dog
face. “Will you give me a chance to do
that?”
“Is this
what you think it’s gonna take? French
toast and flowers?” she asked wryly, trying to keep a straight face.
Jamie
smirked. “Have you seen this?” he asked,
pulling a small envelope out from under her plate. He handed it to her wordlessly, and she tore
it open in curiosity. A small card fell
out – a gift certificate for an expensive package at a local spa, she realized
when she turned it over and read it.
“Wow,” was
all she could say.
Jamie
seemed to take this as a good sign. “You
deserve to be pampered. I want you to go
all out – massage, facial, mud bath, manicure, pedicure, and whatever else they
do at that place,” he babbled in a rush.
“Get whatever you want.”
Claire
toyed with the card in her hand, not sure what to say. She could tell that Jamie was pleased with
himself; he must have thought that sending her for a spa treatment was the
perfect way to make up for the way he had been treating her. And it was nice, sure… but as she looked from
the package listing on the card to the hopeful smile on his face, Claire
couldn’t help but think that maybe her husband didn’t know her as well as she
thought he should have. If he did, he
might have realized that she would have much rather just received a massage
from him on a quiet, romantic night at home. He might have known that she didn’t care
about fancy spas; all she really wanted was his love and compassion.
But he
didn’t seem to realize that. And so,
even though she thanked him, she felt oddly hollow inside, void of the kind of
gratitude she should have had. Some
warmth filled that void when he hugged her, placing a gentle kiss on her
forehead, but a part of her still felt cold towards him, even as she returned
the hug.
If Jamie
wanted to make things up to her, he was going to have to do a hell of a lot
better than that.
***
Saturday
morning found Nick lying on the bed in his hotel room, playing with his
phone. The weekend had only just begun,
and already, his manager and publicist had been calling to find out when he
would be coming back to LA. “I don’t
know yet,” he kept saying, much to their frustration. “It might be tomorrow; it might be in a few
more days. It just depends.”
“Depends on
what?” they would ask, but he brushed their questions aside. How could he really explain what was going on
with Claire and why he felt like he had to be here for her? The truth was, he had no intention of leaving
Des Moines until he felt sure that she would be okay… but he knew that was not
the answer they were looking for. He
didn’t care, though; Claire’s wellbeing was more important than whatever was
going on in LA, and right now, he was worried about her.
It wasn’t
like her to be as overly emotional and needy as he had seen her these last two
days, and though he chalked some of that up to pregnancy, he knew that Jamie
was the real cause. Remembering the
other man’s tears in his office the previous afternoon, Nick wondered if Jamie
was going to step it up and start taking care of his wife.
He was
still thinking of their conversation yesterday when his phone started to
vibrate in his hand. He glanced down in
annoyance, expecting to see Johnny’s or Kenneth’s name again, but he found
Claire’s blinking up at him instead.
“Hey,” he answered the phone cautiously, wondering if he was going to be
greeted by a happy Claire or a crying, upset one. He just never knew what to expect from her
these days.
“Hey, you,”
Claire replied. She didn’t exactly sound
chipper, but she definitely wasn’t crying either, and for that, he was glad.
“What’s
goin’ on?” he asked casually. “How are
you?”
“I’m
okay. Morning sickness is a bitch, but
other than that, things are a little better.
Jamie came home.”
“Oh,” said
Nick, his brows lifting with interest.
“Uh, how’s that going?”
“Okay. He apologized, anyway.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Flowers, breakfast in bed, spa package – the
works. It was nice. Sweet.
Sincere? We’ll see. I hope so.”
“I hope so
too,” Nick replied, though his jaw clenched slightly in protest as he said
it. He did hope so, for Claire’s sake,
but the same selfish part of him that had been happy when she’d come to him
again last night was secretly enjoying the fact that Jamie was screwing up so
badly. He didn’t want Claire to be
unhappy… but it was still hard to see her happy with him.
Even so, he
was glad that Jamie had taken his advice and was trying to make things up to
her. And, more importantly, he was glad
that Claire seemed to be okay, at least for now. By the time he got off the phone with her, he
felt better about flying back to Los Angeles.
Johnny
sounded pleased when Nick called to tell him he would be back in LA by the following
night.
***
“You gonna
be okay?”
As he
voiced the question, Nick’s eyes swept over Claire, who stood opposite him in
the center of his large hotel room. She
had come straight over to the hotel after going to church with Jamie that
morning to say goodbye, for it was Sunday, and Nick had a seat on a flight out
of Des Moines early that afternoon.
Claire seemed calmer and happier and certainly looked more pulled-together
than she had all weekend, dressed in her church clothes – a simple brown skirt
and peasant blouse that draped gracefully over her growing stomach.
Still, Nick
felt uncertain about leaving.
He knew it
wasn’t his place to “take care” of her – Claire was an adult, and she could
take care of herself. But after
witnessing the fragile emotional state she had been in lately, he hated to
leave her with only Jamie nearby… Jamie, who had proven himself utterly
worthless in times of crisis. The guy
may have taken Nick’s advice and apologized, but Nick certainly wasn’t
convinced that he had changed in any way, and Claire didn’t seem to be either.
Nonetheless,
the two of them were back on speaking terms and sleeping side by side again,
and Claire seemed to think they were going to be able to work things out. “I’ll be fine,” she told Nick now, offering a
confident smile. “It’s helped me so much
just to be able to get away from the house and talk to someone else… and the time
apart seems like it’s helped Jamie too.
We’re gonna be alright…”
But as she
spoke the words, her smile faded, and Nick could tell she didn’t feel as
confident as she wanted him to believe.
He knew she wanted to believe it herself… but a part of her was still
worried and full of doubts.
He wanted
to call her on it… but he didn’t.
Instead, he gave her a hug, whispering into her ear, “I know you
will.” He didn’t mean the plural “you”…
but she didn’t have to know that. She
was the one he was concerned for – it didn’t matter to him if she and Jamie
made it together or not, as long as Claire was okay. And he knew she would be. Though he’d seen her at her weakest, he had
no doubt that she was still as strong as she’d always been, deep down. No matter what happened to her marriage, she
would survive.
“Thanks,
Nick,” Claire murmured, squeezing him back.
As she pulled away, she looked up at him and offered a crooked
smile. “I wish you weren’t so far
away. I wish we could hang out more,
like we used to. It almost felt like old
times this weekend, you know? It was…
nice.”
“Nice break
from the craziness, right?” Nick said knowingly, returning the smile. She had always been the same for him, the
kind of friend who could take his mind off of all the other crap going on in
his life. When he was with her, nothing
seemed quite as bad.
“Exactly. But hopefully… hopefully things won’t be so
crazy now,” she went on, but as she did, her voice wavered. She still had a lot on her mind; he could
tell. He could hear her struggling to
keep her composure, but even as she tried to smile, her bottom lip
quivered. She pulled it between her
teeth, biting down hard.
Nick
watched her in sympathy for a few seconds and then pulled her gently back into
his arms. He could feel her body stiffen
and then relax limply against him, as the fight to keep control went out of
her. “Listen,” he said soothingly,
rubbing her back, “things are gonna get better for you. One way or the other, they have to, right? And until they do, I’m here for you, anytime
you need me. Even if I’m not here
here, you can call me whenever, and if you really need me, I’ll come to you,
alright? You’re not gonna be alone
through this.”
When Claire
pulled back and looked at him this time, there were tears in her eyes, but her
smile was genuine. She nodded and
brushed his arm as she let go of him.
“You know I don’t deserve to be treated this nicely by you, after
everything I’ve put you through,” she said with a short, humorless laugh. “But I hope you also know how much I
appreciate it.” Her shining eyes met
his, and he felt himself being drawn into their light blue depths. “Thank you, Nick,” she whispered.
A few
minutes later, she was gone. Nick stood
alone in the spot where she had stood, in the middle of a hotel room that
seemed too big and too empty.
Realizing
he had only a short time to finish packing and check out of the hotel, he
started to pull the shirt he had slept in over his head. As the fabric passed over his face, he caught
a whiff of coconut and was hit with déjà vu.
It was her scent, that of the shampoo she had been using since before
they lived together and apparently still did, and it clung to the t-shirt, a
lingering remnant of her hug.
He closed
his eyes, letting the memories wash over him for just a moment. Then, forcing himself to snap out of his
reverie, he yanked the shirt off and tossed it into his open suitcase. The longer he stayed here, the longer he
would keep dwelling on the past, secretly hoping that he and Claire could find
their way back to those times together.
It was time
for him to leave.
Don’t you know, it’s time for me to go
Even though it hurts to see you cry
But don’t you know, you’ll never be alone
If you hold me deep inside
You know that I would rather stay
But now before I turn away
There’s one last thing to you I wanna say
Baby, there’s no goodbyes
I’ll always be right by your side
Though I may be far away
You know that my heart will stay
With you always
Now I’ve pictures in the distance
Even though it seems a million miles
But there’ll be no space between us
I’ll be there every time you close your eyes
Yes, I will
You know that I would rather stay
But now before I turn away
There’s one last thing to you I wanna say
Baby, there’s no goodbyes
I’ll always be right by your side
Though I may be far away
You know that my heart will stay
With you always
I don’t wanna say the words that people say
‘Cause when I go away, my love will stay
In the heart of you, to help you make it through
Baby, that is why there can be no
No goodbyes…
- “No Goodbyes” by Blue
***
AN: Thanks to Franzi for the song lyrics! Also thanks to Laureen for her help with this
chapter!