Chapter 160
“Amber?” Claire’s voice shook as she came back up the
hall, calling for her sister-in-law.
Amber was
in the living room, supervising as Kyle took a box knife to the large Christmas
tree box he and Jamie had hauled in and sliced through the tape that had kept
the box sealed for the past year. When
she heard Claire, she turned, giving her a questioning look.
Not wanting
to freak out the rest of the family all at once, Claire simply beckoned her
into the hallway. The look on her face
must have been enough for Amber, who came at once, following her into the
privacy of the hall.
“Claire? What’s wrong?
Are you alright?”
Claire
shook her head, her throat feeling so tight that she wasn’t sure she’d be able
to get an explanation out. “I’m
bleeding,” she finally managed to choke out.
“Bleeding?” Amber looked momentarily confused. “Wh-“
“Down
there,” Claire added meaningfully, and as Amber’s eyes met hers, she could see
the comprehension click. Her
sister-in-law’s brown eyes went wide with concern.
“How much?”
she asked in a hushed voice, putting a hand on Claire’s shoulder and walking
her slowly down the hall, further away from the others.
“Not… not a
lot,” Claire said slowly, “but I’m also cramping. It’s been going on for awhile; I thought it
was just indigestion. But…”
Amber
nodded. “We should get you to the
hospital.” Her voice was calm, but the
look on her face was grave.
“Oh
God…” Claire began to tremble all
over. She knew Amber was right, but she
didn’t want to face the prospect that something could be very wrong with her
pregnancy. “It’s too late for me to be
having a miscarriage, isn’t it?” she asked desperately, keeping her voice low. “I’m twenty-three weeks!”
Amber
squeezed her shoulder gently, her eyes filled with a blend of worry and
sympathy. “Sweetie, I think after twenty
weeks, they just call it preterm labor.”
Claire’s
eyes widened, and she started to shake her head. “No, no, I can’t be going into labor! It’s too soon!!”
“Come on,”
Amber said, her voice soft, but firm, sliding her arm around Claire’s
waist. “We need to tell Jamie what’s
going on and head to the hospital.
They’ll be able to tell us exactly what’s going on there.”
Claire
nodded miserably, letting Amber nudge her forward and walk her back up the
hall. Once they turned the corner into
the living room, she also let Amber do the talking, trembling as she listened
to Amber explain the situation to Jamie and Kyle in hushed tones.
Jamie
hurried over to her at once, pelting her with concerned questions. “When did this start? How long have you been having cramps? Why didn’t you say anything??”
“I… I
didn’t know; I thought it was just indigestion.
And then I saw the blood…”
Jamie
paled, but at the same time, he seemed to steel himself for what had to be
done. Putting his arm around Claire, he
said, “Okay, I guess that doesn’t matter now.
Let’s just get to the hospital and find out what’s going on, alright?”
“I’ll drive
you,” Kyle volunteered quickly. As he
started to pat his pockets, looking for his keys, Amber jumped in.
“Actually,
honey, maybe I should go with them.”
Looking at Claire, she asked, “What do you think?”
Claire
looked between her brother and sister-in-law and realized quickly who she would
rather have with her. As much as she
loved Kyle, she knew he wouldn’t be much calmer than Jamie would, and she
didn’t need two men freaking out around her while she lay in a hospital bed,
waiting to find out what was happening to her babies. Amber was the level-headed one and the only
other woman, the only one among them who had been through a pregnancy herself.
Quickly,
Claire nodded. “Kyle, let Amber
come. I… I just think I want another
woman with me, you know?”
Kyle looked
slightly hurt, but he took the disappointment well. Nodding, he replied, “Alright. I’ll stay here with Kam. Call me as soon as you know anything though,
okay?” He directed the last question at
his wife, giving her a meaningful look.
Amber
nodded. “Of course I will. And you should probably wait to call your
parents until we know something… you don’t want to freak them out over nothing,
and for all we know, this could be nothing.
We just need to make sure.”
Please, please let it be nothing, Claire prayed silently, knowing how
devastated she would be if something happened to her babies. After all she had been through to conceive
them and keep them, she couldn’t bear the thought of losing them now.
Kyle pulled
her into a hug before they left, whispering into her ear, “It’ll be alright,
Claire-Bear. Stay positive.”
She nodded
as he released her, but couldn’t find anything to say in return. She couldn’t think of anything but getting to
the hospital and finding out what was happening to her and the babies.
“I guess we
should just go to St. Petersburg General,” commented Amber as she started her
car a few minutes later, glancing back at Jamie and Claire in the rear-view
mirror. Jamie had insisted on riding in
the backseat with Claire. “It’s the closest.”
Claire was
about to agree, wanting to get there quickly, but then she had a thought. “No, let’s go to Tampa General. My OB before we moved, Dr. Valerio, practices
there. I… I’d feel better if I could be
seen by someone who knows me and my history.”
Amber
hesitated. Jamie even protested. But Claire was insistent, and finally, they
agreed. As Amber got on the interstate
to head to Tampa, Jamie pulled out his cell phone and said, “I’m going to call
ahead, make sure they can get Dr. Valerio there to meet us.”
“Do you
have the number?” asked Amber, glancing into her mirror again.
“I think
I’ve got it,” Claire remembered, reaching for her purse, which she would have
forgotten, had it not been for Amber grabbing it for her on the way out of the
house. She got out her own cell phone,
and sure enough, there was the number, stored in her contacts. She’d programmed it in years ago, back when
she’d visited Tampa General on a regular basis, in case of emergencies. Passing her phone to Jamie, she said, “Just
use mine.”
As Amber
sped down the interstate and Jamie demanded to be transferred to the obstetrics
department at Tampa General, Claire slumped against the window and gazed out
into the night. The interstate was dark
and practically deserted. After all, it
was Thanksgiving, remembered Claire.
Everyone else was at home with their families, relaxing and enjoying
time together as they digested their dinners, as she had been just an hour ago,
not a worry on her mind. Why did it have
to change? Why did everything always
seem to go wrong for her?
The shadowy
scenery blurred before her eyes as tears welled up into them. She was so terrified of losing everything she
had sacrificed so much to hold onto. She
had already lost one baby, in an effort to save the others. She couldn’t bear the thought that she could
be losing them too.
“Thanks,
Dr. Valerio. Thank you so much.” Jamie’s voice cut into Claire’s thoughts, and
she turned away from the window, realizing she had tuned his entire
conversation out. He flipped her phone
shut and handed it back to her, offering a grim smile. “We’re in luck. She’s on call tonight; she was already at the
hospital. I talked to her, and she said
we were right to come in. She’ll see us
when we get there.”
“Good,”
murmured Claire, feeling slightly better, but not much.
Jamie
reached for her hand and held onto it the rest of the way to the hospital. The trip was mostly silent after that, and
the half-hour drive seemed to take much longer, as Claire sat cradling her
belly and worrying the entire time.
Beside her, Jamie was stiff and stoic, hiding his own worry inside. She was waiting for the moment when he would
flip out, but so far, he hadn’t.
Before
tonight, Claire had thought she would be excited to see the Tampa skyline
looming in front of her, but under the circumstances, it meant nothing to her,
nothing except that they were finally nearing the hospital. When Amber finally pulled into the
all-too-familiar hospital complex, Claire’s stomach flip-flopped with nerves
and nausea. She had thought her next
hospital stay would finally be for a good reason, the birth of her twins. But even if the twins were to be born
tonight, it wouldn’t be a good thing.
She knew it was much too soon… they would never survive at twenty-three
weeks.
Stop it, she coached herself, as Amber parked
the car outside the main entrance. That’s
not going to happen. Even if I am in
labor, they’ll stop it. They’ll know
that it’s too early.
She still
didn’t feel like she was in labor. As
Jamie and Amber walked to the entrance, she wasn’t screaming with the pain of
contractions; physically, she felt pretty good, except for the cramping, which
came and went. If those were
contractions, they weren’t very strong.
Following
Kyle’s advice, she tried to stay positive as Jamie went up to talk to the woman
at the admissions desk. Soon after, a
nurse dressed in scrubs with festive autumn leaves appeared with a wheelchair
to take Claire up to the obstetrics floor.
“You’ll be evaluated in labor and delivery,” the nurse told her as she
whisked her off to an elevator. “It’s
standard procedure; they just have the best equipment to monitor you with
there.”
Claire
nodded, fully grateful to be bypassing the emergency room.
On the
second floor of the hospital, the maternity ward, Claire was taken to a private
room, given a gown to change into, and immediately hooked up to all of the
standard equipment needed to track her vital signs, including a fetal monitor, which
was strapped across her belly.
“Your
babies both have a nice, strong heartbeat,” observed her nurse, Jen, offering a
reassuring smile. “That’s a good sign at
least.”
Claire was
encouraged by that news; at least nothing seemed to be wrong with the twins
inside her womb. But she was still
terrified of what would happen if her body decided it was time for them to be
born.
Thankfully,
Dr. Valerio was quick in coming to examine her.
Claire hadn’t seen her former obstetrician in nearly four months, so it
took a few minutes to get her caught up.
The last time she had sat in Dr. Valerio’s office, Claire thought sadly,
she had still been carrying triplets.
“I’d like
to do an ultrasound and then a pelvic exam.
We’ll get to the bottom of this, Claire,” promised Dr. Valerio, as Jen
wheeled over the ultrasound equipment.
Claire lay perfectly still, clutching Jamie’s hand, as the doctor poked
and prodded. The suspense was terrible,
and she found herself focusing on a small pin of a winged horse the nurse, Jen,
was wearing on the pocket of her scrub top, in an effort to keep herself from
thinking too much about anything else.
Pegasus, she thought, staring at the pin. The flying horse from Greek mythology. He’d been mentioned in the myths she and
Jamie had heard from tour guides on their honeymoon in Greece.
At the
thought of their honeymoon, unexpected tears sprang to her eyes. She would never forget how happy they had
been, as they’d traveled through the Greek islands together, relishing in their
first few days and nights as husband and wife, talking and dreaming about all
the days and years to come, as they planned for the future. For many newlyweds, children were conceived on
honeymoons. For Jamie and Claire, the idea
of their children had been conceived.
“Hey,
Jamie?”
“Hey,
Clairie?” he mimicked her.
She
smiled. “I was just thinking… were you
serious when you said you definitely want to have kids?”
He shifted
in bed, rolling over so that they were face to face. “Of course,” he replied. “I’ve always wanted kids; you know that.”
He had
always wanted kids, and so had she, and now, eight months later, they were so
close. But while they were on the verge
of becoming parents, she feared they were also teetering on the brink of losing
their babies, and that thought scared her more than any other ever had. Lying in the hospital bed, her feet in
stirrups, waiting for anything from Dr. Valerio, Claire felt more worried and terrified
than she had even when she had been diagnosed with leukemia.
Because it
wasn’t just about her now. It was about
the twin babies growing inside of her.
And it was about Jamie. She
chanced a glance at her husband and found him staring down at his lap, his jaw
tightly clenched, his complexion very pale.
He was struggling as much as she was, and she knew he wasn’t good at
handling his emotions, at handling sadness or grief. What would happen to the two of them, if they
lost these babies?
Our marriage would fall apart.
Uninvited, the thought entered her brain. She didn’t want to think it, didn’t want to
believe it, but there it was, and she could not deny the possibility of it
being true. She and Jamie had been on a
rocky road these last few months.
Sometimes it seemed her pregnancy was the only thing holding them
together. If she lost it, what would
happen? What would Jamie do? What would he think? Would he blame her? Or would he just lock himself up in his grief
and shut her out?
“Claire?” Claire’s thoughts were interrupted as Jen’s
voice cut in, Pegasus flying out of her line of sight as the nurse twisted
towards one of the monitors. “Are you
alright, honey? Your blood pressure’s
spiking. Try and calm down, alright,
sweetie? Take a deep breath.”
Claire
obeyed, inhaling deeply, but as she exhaled, the tears began to slip out,
sliding down her cheeks.
Jamie’s
grip tightened on her hand, and all of a sudden, he was standing over her,
kissing the tears from her face, whispering urgently, “Don’t cry, Clairie… come
on, don’t cry.”
But the
sudden show of emotion, of compassion, just made her want to cry more. Please, she begged God silently,
bearing down on Jamie’s hand, please don’t take these babies away from Jamie
and me.
“Claire?” Dr. Valerio spoke up from the foot of her
bed. “I know you’re upset, but you need
to try and relax. Go ahead and put your
legs down.” She helped Claire out of
the stirrups and slid her stool around to the side of the bed, so that Claire
could again see her face. It looked very
serious. Taking Claire’s free hand, the
doctor gave it a squeeze. “Listen to me
carefully now. What you’re experiencing
now is early labor. It’s not a
miscarriage. It’s what we call preterm
labor."
“But it’s
too soon! You have to stop it! Can you stop it??” she asked pleadingly,
staring into the obstetrician’s deep brown eyes.
“I will
certainly try. In most cases, it’s
possible to stop preterm labor, especially as early as you are. I’m going to have Jen start you on an IV of
magnesium sulfate. It’s a medication
that stops contractions. If we’re lucky,
it will stop your labor altogether. In
the meantime, I’d also like to give you a steroid that will help your babies’
lungs mature faster, just in case.”
“Just in
case what? They can’t be born now…
they’re only twenty-three weeks! They’ll
die, won’t they? That’s so
premature…” Claire murmured, her voice
shaking.
Dr. Valerio
pursed her lips. “Twenty-four weeks is
usually the earliest we declare babies to be viable… that is, able to survive
outside the womb, yes. That said, we’ll
do everything we can to prevent your labor from progressing that far. With any luck, we’ll be able to stop it. But even if we do, you could go into labor
again within a matter of days or weeks.
The steroids will help mature your babies’ lungs for if that happens.”
“Okay,”
said Claire, nodding. “Give me the
steroids then; give me whatever. I’ll do
anything to help them.” She looked to
Jamie for his approval, and he nodded wordlessly. He looked stricken, in shock.
“Jen, start
the IV then. Magnesium sulfate, 100
milliliters per hour, and dexamethasone, 6 megs,” ordered Dr. Valerio. Then, turning back to Claire, she added,
“We’re going to get you started on those drugs.
I’m going to go see some other patients, and I’ll be back to check on
you soon. In the meantime, try to
relax. I know it’s not easy, but you
won’t be doing your babies any good by panicking. They can sense when you’re upset.”
Claire
nodded, knowing her doctor was right, but it was hard to will her body into
taking her advice. Try to relax? Yeah, right.
***
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire,
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight…
Time passed
slowly, slower, it seemed, than the sluggish drips of Claire’s IV, the only
thing that could stop her body from forcing her twins out into the world months
too soon. She watched the drips and the
clock; neither seemed to be moving very fast.
Thankfully,
neither was her labor. That was the only
good news Dr. Valerio had to offer, as she came by regularly to look between
Claire’s legs. Her cervix was dilated,
but only slightly, and it hadn’t opened any more since she’d gotten there. The bad news was that the contractions hadn’t
yet stopped. They came and went, one
every ten minutes or so, not nearly as strong or as painful as she’d expected a
contraction to be, but still noticeable.
They really did feel like menstrual cramps, and it was hard to believe
that what she’d mistaken as indigestion was really labor.
It was
scary, really; if it hadn’t been for the blood, she might not have thought to
go to the hospital until she was much further along and it was too late. At least now, there was a chance of stopping
her labor and saving her babies. She
kept praying and praying that the drugs dripping slowly into her vein would
work.
Jamie and
Amber sat in the room with her, neither of them saying much. Amber had called Kyle twice already, but no one
had called her parents or Jamie’s mother.
They had all agreed that it would be better to wait until they knew
more, until it became clear which way this situation was going to go. For now, it was just a waiting game. There was nothing anyone could do but
that. Wait.
Amber, who,
until she’d become a mother herself, had earned a living teaching six- and
seven-year-olds, had the patience of a saint, but Jamie was getting
restless. He sat hunched in a chair next
to Claire’s bed, tapping his foot against the tiled floor as a way of letting
out his pent-up frustration. After
awhile, it got on Claire’s nerves, and she said, “Hey, honey? Why don’t you go take a walk up and down the
hall or something?”
“What?” Jamie looked over at her in confusion. “No, I’m fine. I want to stay with you.”
“Well,
that’s admirable, but seriously. That
foot-tapping is making me nervous. Go
get a soda or something – just nothing caffeinated. Alright?”
She offered him a thin smile, trying to lighten the mood.
His attempt
to smile back was feeble. The worry in
his eyes made it impossible. “Alright,”
he muttered. “I’ll be back. Come find me if anything changes,” he added,
looking at Amber.
She
nodded. “Of course.”
When he
left, Claire let out a sigh. “He’s being
a trooper this time. He has such a hard
time dealing with all this stuff, and I know I’ve put him through a hell of a
lot of it. He got more than he bargained
for with that whole ‘in sickness and in health’ thing.”
Amber
offered her a sympathetic smile. “That’s
not your fault, sweetheart. You’d been
through a lot already, and he never stopped loving you. And when you love someone, you stay with them
through anything. It’s just a
given. If he were in the hospital, you’d
be there for him too.”
“I know. But with me, it seems like it’s always
something. Even an event as joyous as
having a baby turns into a disaster for me.
I’m just waiting for him to decide he’s had enough.”
“Aww, you
don’t mean that, do you?” Amber gave her
a hard look. “I mean, have you and Jamie
really been having problems?”
Claire
sighed again. “Yes and no. I know he loves me, but we have been
having problems, and all of this stuff isn’t helping anything. Do you know what a strain it put on our
marriage when we had to decide to reduce to twins? We didn’t talk to each other for days… and
sometimes I still worry that he resents me for it. Amber, if we lose these babies too, I don’t
know what’s going to happen to us. It’s
going to tear us apart.”
“Oh,
Claire, you can’t think like that,” Amber urged. “You don’t know what’s going to happen. Even if, God forbid, you did lose this
pregnancy, it wouldn’t have to mean the end of your marriage. You and Jamie would get through it
together. And you could always try
again.”
Claire
shook her head slowly, tears filling her eyes.
“I don’t know if he would want to.
I don’t know if I would want to,” she confessed in a hushed voice,
almost ashamed to admit it. “When I
think of how much we’ve had to go through just to get to this point… all the
worry and the doubts and sacrifices… I don’t know if I’d feel like doing it all
over again, if I knew that it had turned out to be for nothing. Maybe we’d just try to adopt instead. Only… only I don’t know if that’s what Jamie
would want. He wants kids of his own; he
always has. He wants a big family. He was so excited about having triplets…”
“Don’t do
this,” Amber warned, leaning in to grip Claire’s shoulder. “You can’t beat yourself up over all of
this. Nothing that has happened to you
has been your fault. It’s all out of
your control; it’s… it’s fate, I guess.
You can’t help it any more than Jamie can. And if he can’t handle it, then he doesn’t
deserve to be your husband. Part of
being married to someone is being willing to see them through the bad times,
along with the good. You can’t feel
guilty if he’s not willing. That’s his
problem, not yours.”
Claire
nodded. “You’re right. I shouldn’t feel guilty about that.” She paused, thinking about what Amber had
said, about staying with the one you loved through anything. And as a familiar face entered her mind’s
eye, she rolled toward Amber and said, “You know what I do feel guilty about
though?”
“What?”
Claire
rubbed her stomach absently, collecting her thoughts. “I love Jamie. I have for a long time. When I was in high school, I always saw
myself being married to him, and when he proposed to me, I felt like all of my
dreams were finally coming true, like the life I’d always wanted was going to
be a reality. But he’s not the only one
I’ve ever loved. There was someone else,
who I know loved me unconditionally, who was there for me through anything and
everything, and still would be. And I
loved him too. And… I think, deep down,
I still do.”
“Nick,”
said Amber. It was more of a statement
than a question.
Biting down
on her bottom lip, Claire nodded. “I’ve
been thinking about him a lot lately,” she confessed. “I feel guilty about the way I ended things
with him. I was so happy with him, and
then, all of a sudden, I wasn’t. And I
got scared and started thinking the life I had with him wasn’t really the kind
of life I’d always wanted. And so I
left. I never wanted to hurt him, but it
was unavoidable. I still loved him, but
I just thought he wasn’t the right person for me. His life wasn’t my life; I wanted something
different. I was being stubborn. And stupid.
Because here I am, with the life I thought I wanted… the husband with
the 9 to 5 job, the cute little house in the suburbs… and I hate it. I’m not happy. I-I mean, I love Jamie, and I… I was so
excited about having children…” Her
voice cracked, and she struggled to keep her composure. “But… I don’t like living in Iowa, and I
don’t like being stuck at home all day, and… I dunno… I guess I’m just afraid that I’ve made some
really bad decisions. And now I’m
second-guessing every one. Isn’t that
horrible??”
Truth be told, I tried my best,
But somewhere along the way,
I got caught up in all there was to offer,
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I’ve messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come ‘round here
And tell me ‘I told you so…’
Amber
pursed her lips, looking at Claire intently.
“I don’t know. I can see where
you’re coming from. It just sounds a lot
like ‘grass is greener’ syndrome. You
know? The grass is always greener on the
other side. No one has the perfect
life. Most people would think being
married to a celebrity and having lots of money and being able to travel all
over the world would be the perfect life.
But you didn’t. You saw past
that. So I’m not sure you’d be any
happier with that life than you are now.
Do you see what I’m saying?”
Claire
nodded. “Of course. It’s just… it’s not about the money or fame
or being able to travel or any of that.
It never was. Those are just the
things that got in the way. What I loved
about being with Nick was Nick.
It was as simple as that. With
everything the two of us had been through, you’d think it would be complicated
with us, but it wasn’t. It really
wasn’t. He was always there for me, and
I was always there for him, and we understood each other. We had a bond like I’ve never had with anyone
else… not even Jamie. And we still do. You wouldn’t think so, but we do. Every time I’m with him, it’s like nothing
has changed. We just ‘get’ each other. It’s different than it is with Jamie. I’ve known Jamie longer, and he was always
one of my best friends, but he doesn’t ‘get’ me like Nick does. I’ve been through things that he just doesn’t
understand and doesn’t want to. And when
shit like this happens to me, I’m always afraid he’s going to leave. But Nick… Nick never would. I could call Nick right now, and he would be
here. He would be here in a heartbeat.”
We all began with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs
The burden time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It’s the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear…
Amber
studied her, one eyebrow cocked. “Do you
want me to call him?” she offered.
All of a
sudden, Claire realized how adulterous she must sound. Mortified, she shook her head. “No.
No, I can’t call him; it would just cause more problems. Jamie really would leave if Nick showed up. They can’t stand each other. And for good reason, I guess. God, I can’t believe I just told you all
that,” she murmured, closing her eyes, wishing she hadn’t. “I’m so sorry… I’ve never told anyone those things. I never should have. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea; I
love Jamie, I really do,” she insisted, her eyes welling with tears again. “It’s just… whenever I’m upset like this, I
start to miss Nick. He’s just… a
comfort, I guess. Like a teddy
bear.” She chuckled, and then instantly
began to cry.
Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I’ve messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come ‘round here
And tell me ‘I told you so…’
Looking
stricken, Amber stood at her side and rubbed her back, with soothing, gentle
hands that were used to comforting crying children. Claire felt almost like a child, a child who
had no filter on her mouth. How had she
let all of that stuff pour out, when Jamie could walk back in at any
minute? If he ever left her, he would
have every right, after the things she had said. Sure, he hadn’t always upheld his vow to
comfort her in sickness and in health, but how many vows was she breaking,
talking about how she was still in love with her ex-boyfriend when Jamie was
actually there, trying to help her through her worry and fear.
“It’s
alright, Claire,” Amber said softly.
“Like you said, you’re upset. And
scared. All that emotion brings out a
lot in people.”
Claire
sniffed. “Or maybe it’s the drugs,” she
countered, wiping her eyes, trying to get her composure back.
Amber
stifled a giggle. “Or maybe it’s that.”
Claire was
still struggling to get herself back together when Jamie returned. Thankfully, he looked almost as ragged. He hadn’t been crying, but he looked as if
he’d had some kind of emotional release.
The tension was gone from his face; instead, he just looked tired. Tired and sad. It was a feeling she could relate to. Right now, he did “get” her.
“You okay?”
he asked warily, sinking into his spot next to her bed. “You’ve been crying.”
“I’m as
okay as I was before,” she replied, shrugging.
“I just needed to have my meltdown.”
He nodded,
not questioning her. “Me too,” he
admitted. “I called Di. I just thought she should know what was going
on. I told her not to come up, though,
unless you wanted her to.”
“Oh. That was thoughtful of you; thanks,” she
said. She hadn’t even thought of calling
Dianna. But it was probably good that
Jamie had. Maybe he’d needed someone to
talk to as well. Dianna was always good
for a talk, and she and Jamie had been friends for as long as Claire had known
him. If anyone could give him the pep
talk he needed to help her through this, Dianna could.
“No
problem,” he replied. “She was worried,
but she said to hang in there and that everything will be okay.”
Claire
smiled wryly; Dianna always thought everything would be okay. It was easy to say that when you were just on
the other end of the phone. But
sometimes, it wasn’t all okay.
Sometimes, bad things happened.
Sometimes, all she wanted to hear was, “I know it might not be okay, but
either way, I’ll be here for you. We’ll
get through this together.”
That was
not the kind of thing she’d ever heard verbalized from Jamie’s mouth.
It was the
kind of thing she’d seen in Nick’s eyes, many times before, as he’d sat with
her and held her hand, silently reassuring her that no matter what, he would
never leave her side.
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
Lost in those I thought were friends
To everyone I know…
Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know…
- “Fallen” by Sarah McLachlan
***