Chapter 169
On this
side of New Year’s, the twins’ arrival seemed much closer than it had at
Christmas. At twenty-nine weeks, Claire
was still over two months away from her due date, but Dr. Valerio had warned
her at her last prenatal check-up that with two babies and an already high-risk
pregnancy, it was very likely she would deliver early. She’d already gone into preterm labor once.
And so,
Claire had begun to devote all of her time to preparing for the babies’
arrival. All the work she and Jamie had
done on the nursery back at their home in Iowa had proven futile, now that she
was stuck in Tampa for the remainder of her pregnancy. Like it or not, the babies would be born here
in Florida, and she needed to be ready for them.
Thanks to
the miracle of technology, it was easier than she’d thought to get everything
one needed for a baby from the confinement of her own bed; she just ordered it
all online. She already had two cribs,
one that had come from her parents’ attic, the very crib she and Kyle had both
slept in as babies, and the other from Kyle and Amber – they had loaned her
Kamden’s crib, which he had just outgrown a few months ago. They gave her the changing table that went
with it, and once her father and brother had moved it all into the spare room
in the condo, she was pleased to see that she was doing pretty well on
furniture. But she still needed bedding
and baby clothes and all kinds of things, and so, for days in a row, big
packages full of baby items arrived at her door.
Everything
she didn’t order herself went on a gift registry, as Dianna had excitedly
volunteered to throw her a baby shower later in the month. Dianna’s original idea had been a couples
shower, so that Jamie could attend too, as well as Claire’s father, Kyle, Nick,
and so on. But ever since the incident
at Christmas, that had changed. “It can
still be a couples shower,” Claire had told Dianna, but in an effort to be
sensitive, Dianna had switched it back to a purely traditional shower – just
the women.
So while
Dianna planned for the shower, Claire did everything she could to plan for the
babies and take her mind off of Jamie.
He called every evening after work, and every evening, she talked to him
just long enough to assure him that she was fine, that the babies were kicking
harder than ever, and that she’d bought this or that for the nursery there at
her condo. And when they said goodbye,
she mumbled “I love you” after he said it first. But she was trying to keep her distance from
him, emotionally as well as physically.
Distance,
she’d decided, was what she needed right now.
It was exactly what she needed to clear her mind and her heart and
figure out what to do about her marriage.
Jamie
apparently had realized this too, because he had stopped apologizing to her,
stopped begging and pleading for her to let him come and see her. Now when he called, he talked to her as if
everything were okay, as if things were perfectly normal, even though they
weren’t. She played along, because it
was easier than fighting the battle, the battle between wishing he’d come back
and knowing she needed him to stay away.
That battle took place deep inside her heart every time he pleaded with
her, and so she was glad when he stopped pleading.
Yet when
there was not a war raging on inside her heart, it just felt empty. She tried to fill it with the joy and
anticipation of her babies’ arrival, but even that was clouded with sorrow. In the last year, her greatest desire had
been to become a mother, and here she was, weeks away from motherhood. But it was not without a heavy cost, the loss
of one of her babies and, possibly, of her husband. And sometimes, those things overshadowed the
excitement she should be feeling.
It was
obvious to everyone who knew her that she was not happy. She wasn’t herself, and though she tried to
be the fun-loving, funny, optimistic person they were used to, she knew they
could see through the façade. Yet there
was nothing they could do to help. Right
now, no one could fix things because no one knew what she really wanted or
needed. She didn’t even know.
But they
tried. They tried their best to cheer
her up and keep her sane. Her parents
were always there for her, providing a voice of comfort, an ear to listen, a
shoulder to cry on. Nick came over often
to keep her company. Sometimes they
played board games or watched movies together; other times, they just
talked. It felt almost like old times
with him, the times before they’d fallen in love and complicated everything,
when they could just be there for each other without any of the sexual
tension. But then, things were a lot
different now, and the sexual tension, though neither would acknowledge it, was
still there.
Laureen
often dropped by after work, bringing stories about interesting patients and
the weekly gossip around the office. So
did Dianna, though her visits usually turned into long rants about men – not
that Claire minded. Her boyfriend Todd,
as it turned out, was a commitment-phobe, afraid of settling down, and on an
almost daily basis, Claire listened to her debate with herself over the
ultimatum she was going to give him.
“I mean, a year
ago, I thought we were ready to get engaged.
A year ago!!” Dianna would rant.
“You got married about a year ago, remember,” – as if Claire could
forget – “and I thought going to your wedding would be the motivation Todd
needed to propose. But I think it scared
him off or something, because he just won’t do it! And I mean it, Claire, if I don’t see a ring
by Valentine’s Day, we are through! I
can’t wait around forever for him to buck up and ask me to marry him! My biological clock is ticking! You know, you’re lucky, Claire – at least you
had two men who weren’t afraid to propose.”
Claire
scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Yeah, and
look how well that worked out for me.
Jamie and I haven’t even made it to our first anniversary, and we’re
falling apart! And Nick and I… psh, we
never even got to the planning stages of a wedding. It’s probably for the best that he’s taking
his time. At least when he proposes,
you’ll know that you want to marry him.
And you won’t be rushing into it.”
Dianna
cocked her head at Claire. “You think
you and Jamie rushed into it?”
“I don’t
know,” Claire sighed after a moment.
“We’d been dating for almost a year when he proposed, but maybe a year
wasn’t long enough. It felt right at the
time, cause we knew each other so well, or so I thought. But now I’m not sure. I don’t think I knew him as well as I should
have. He changed a lot after high
school… and not for the better. I didn’t
realize it then, but I know now.”
Pursing her
lips, Dianna nodded slowly. “You have a
point. I didn’t realize it either, but
he has changed. Jamie Turner was the
best guy ever in high school... but now… he’s kind of an ass.”
An ass.
Though she’d thought it herself, it hurt to hear those words, to know
that they were true, that she’d married a jerk, a man who was condescending and
jealous, and who would walk out on his wife in the middle of a heart-wrenching
procedure, even as she cried out his name.
His betrayal still stung, just as much as the pain of losing the baby.
And
everyone could see it. Everyone could
see she was in pain.
Even Dr.
Valerio noticed. When Claire went for
her twenty-nine week check-up, the obstetrician commented, “You look sad
today. Is everything alright?”
Not one to
keep her feelings inside, Claire found herself telling her doctor a shortened
version of the drama with Jamie and how torn and down she’d been feeling
lately. “If there was such a thing as
pre-partum depression, I’d say I probably have it. This is supposed to be such a happy, exciting
time for me, and I just feel like everything – except with the babies, thank
god – is going wrong.”
Dr. Valerio
gave her an understanding smile. “Well,
you’re right about that last part – everything looks good with the babies, and
you should be grateful for that. But
about how you’re feeling… some moms-to-be do experience depressive symptoms
during pregnancy. It’s a time of change
and stress, and that causes different reactions from different people. But I don’t think the feelings you’re
experiencing are caused by any kind of clinical depression. You’re dealing with the same kind of emotions
anyone feels when their marriage is in balance, and with children on the way,
it’s that much harder. I wish there were
a drug I could give you to make you feel better, but there’s not.” Sympathetically, she patted Claire’s hand.
Claire
managed a smile back. “I know. And I know I’ll get through this, no matter
how it turns out. I’ve gotten through
everything else, and I’m stronger for it, or at least that’s what everyone
tells me.” She sighed. “As long as my babies are born healthy, it’ll
all be worth it, even if Jamie and I don’t make it.”
The doctor
nodded. “And speaking of their births,
we do need to talk about a few things.”
As she’d
already said everything looked good with the babies, Claire wasn’t too
worried. “Okay…”
“I just
want to prepare you now for the fact that you’ll most likely have the twins
through a C-section, rather than vaginal delivery. Given your heart condition and the fact that
there are two babies, I think trying to go through a regular labor and delivery
would be too much for your body. Labor
can be very long and very hard, for a first-time mom especially, and bearing
down and pushing during delivery puts a lot of strain on the heart. Usually, if there is any cause for concern
for the mother’s health, we opt for a C-section. The recovery time afterwards is longer, but
for someone like you, it’s really much safer.”
Claire
nodded; she had already guessed she would probably be having a Cesarean section
for these reasons. She didn’t like the
thought of them cutting into her belly, having never really been under the
knife before, but previous experience told her to trust the doctors. Dr. Valerio was the expert, and if she
thought a C-section was needed, then Claire would do it. At least, she thought, there would be no
24-hour nightmare labor for her.
When she
told Dr. Valerio this, the obstetrician smiled.
“Very true. I know many moms who
delivered their firstborn vaginally and then had a C-section for their second,
and almost all of them tell me they’d choose a C-section for their third. Delivery can be very rough.”
Of course,
recuperating from a C-section could be rough too. But as her mother drove her home from the
clinic that day, Claire tried to keep positive thoughts in her head about the
inevitable.
The last
thing she needed was more negativity.
***
Nick, too,
tried not to think negative thoughts as he sat slumped at his desk, studying
the open planner spread out before him.
The
holidays had come and gone, too fast as always, and his break was coming to an
end. He was due back in LA in a week to
begin rehearsals for his tour, which was slated to kick off February 6 in New
York. And while, three months ago, he
couldn’t wait to get out on the road to promote his new album, the newness had
since worn off, and many things had changed in his life. Most of them for the better.
He had more
than music to think of now. While music
would always be a big part of his life, it wasn’t his whole life, as it
sometimes became when he had nothing but it to throw his whole heart into. But his heart had since been captured by the
unlikeliest person. By Laureen.
He’d never
really thought he and Laureen would turn into anything serious, but they’d had
a lot of fun these last few months, and he really cared about her. He wasn’t ready to leave her for the road
just yet.
And then
there was Claire. He didn’t want to
leave her yet either, but for completely different reasons.
Claire was
a mess.
It was hard
to believe it, considering what they’d been through together, but he’d never
seen her so down. Even when her body had
been ravaged by cancer, she had stayed in better spirits than she was now. Or maybe she’d faked it better. In any case, it was different now. She’d stayed strong when her body was falling
apart around her, but now, it was her heart that was broken. And as Nick knew from experience, sometimes,
the heart was harder to heal.
He had been
visiting her often, keeping her company, knowing how boring and frustrating it
was to be trapped in bed all the time.
She rarely brought up Jamie, but he knew that had to be what was making
her so sad. The bed rest, while
annoying, wasn’t enough to break her spirit.
But losing her husband… well, even if he couldn’t understand what she
saw in Jamie in the first place, he figured that would do it. There was no other explanation.
And Nick
understood. Once again, he could
empathize with how she was feeling, because he’d felt the same way after she
had left him. It was different
with Jamie; she’d kicked him out, made him leave. But he knew it still had to hurt.
He knew,
and so he tried his best to take her mind off the pain. The more people she had around her, the more
things she had to do, the less she would wallow and think of Jamie. Nick knew that from experience too.
He couldn’t
just abandon her when she was like this.
In a
half-hearted attempt to get out of his obligation, he called his manager
Kenneth. But Kenneth’s answer was frank.
“Nick, man,
you can’t postpone this tour. It’s
already been almost three months since the record dropped; you wait any longer,
and people are gonna forget. You gotta
get out there and build up the hype while there’s still some hype left.”
Nick knew
he was right, and he knew he had to get out to California to rehearse.
He took
Laureen out to a nice dinner that night to break the news.
Her
reaction was much better than he had expected.
She did not seem disappointed that he had to leave; instead, she was
happy for him.
“I knew you
were gonna have to leave for the tour sooner or later,” she said lightly. “It’s okay.
I wish I could go with you, but I guess I’ll have to settle for seeing
you once here and once in Chicago.
Deep-dish pizza – don’t forget!”
Nick
smiled, remembering his promise to share a Chicago style pizza with her when he
toured there. “Absolutely.”
Laureen
beamed. “This is so exciting!! It’s gonna be so cool, like that time Claire
and I went to see your concert with the guys, only better! Cause this time, I won’t be about to pee my
pants out of nervousness. It’s different
now.”
“Yeah, it
is,” Nick agreed, gazing at her across the table. When he looked at her now, he didn’t just see
Claire’s cute little coworker who happened to like his group. He saw Laureen, a woman who was fun
and funny and pretty and who made him happy.
He was going to miss her when he left.
He hoped
she would miss him too, but after how well she had taken it, Nick found himself
again more concerned about Claire. It
wasn’t that he thought she couldn’t handle her problems without him; his ego
wasn’t that big, and she wasn’t that weak. But he still didn’t like the thought of
traveling to the other side of the country while she was still here, far into a
high-risk pregnancy, on bed rest, bored and depressed and missing Jamie.
He
shouldn’t have worried, though, for the old Claire emerged when he told her,
regretfully, of his plans to fly to LA.
“Why are
you saying that like you’re apologizing for it?” she asked. “You think I can’t handle my problems without
you here?” Her voice was teasing, and he
let himself smile, relaxing a little.
“Nick, you don’t have to feel bad about doing your job,” she went
on. “You get on out to LA and have a
blast. You know it’ll be way more fun
than sitting here with me playing Monopoly day after day.”
“What, are
you kidding? I love playing Monopoly
with you. It brings back the good old
days, you know? Back when I was
the one lying in bed cause I was too damn sick and weak to get up?”
A wry smile
crossed Claire’s face. “Point
taken. I am grateful, you know. I’m stuck here in this bed for a good reason,
because of a miracle. All I wanted was
to have a baby, and now I’m having two, and I honestly couldn’t be more
grateful to be here and not where I was six years ago.”
“I wasn’t
trying to make a point,” Nick chuckled.
“I was just being sarcastic about, you know… the ‘good old days’ and how
much they sucked. Things are definitely
better now.”
“Definitely,”
she agreed, and her smile was genuine, though it seemed a little sad. “Thanks for reminding me of that, because
you’re right. Things have been much,
much worse. But we made it, and here we
are as proof. You’re about to go out on
tour again, and I’m expecting twins. Two
things we weren’t sure we’d be able to do back then. So we should be celebrating.”
Nick
smiled, nodding. Even now, Claire always
had the right things to say. Remembering
the many days he had spent wallowing in a vat of self-pity, doubting he would
ever get up on stage again, Nick felt the old familiar rush of excitement he
always got when a tour was about to begin.
The stage was as much his home as Florida was, and so in a way, even
though he was leaving, he was also going home.
Laureen and Claire both seemed happy for him, so why should he not be
happy too?
And so they
did celebrate. They celebrated as best
they could, with big bowls of ice cream and a marathon of their favorite
movies.
Before he
left for Los Angeles, Nick kissed her goodbye on her forehead, stroked her soft
red hair as he hugged her, and whispered, “I know you’ve got plenty of good
people around you, but if you need anything, day or night, just call me. I’ll always be there for you.”
Claire
smiled and agreed, but after he left, she let him have his fun and did not
call, other than to say a friendly hello.
***