Chapter 27
Déjà vu.
That’s
exactly what Nick was experiencing, as he sat in a hospital bed, his back
pressed against the raised head of the bed, a sheet and thin blanket pulled up
over his lap. An IV bag hung on a pole
beside the bed, dripping powerful antibiotics through a thin line that snaked
into a vein in his left forearm, and the bedside tray held his abandoned
dinner, which he’d pushed aside after only a few bland bites. An episode of “The Simpsons” played on
the TV, the volume down low, but he was hardly watching.
Yep, he’d
certainly been in this position before.
Too many times, and too recently.
It had only been six months since he’d spent over a week in the
hospital, recuperating from his lung surgery.
Of course, this was nothing compared to that, but it was still no
picnic. He hadn’t even been admitted for
six hours yet, and already, he was bored out of his mind and miserable.
Claire had
hung around for awhile after he’d been moved to a private room shortly before
lunch, but she’d gone home three hours ago to pack some more. She had promised she would be back later that
evening, and he found himself wishing she’d get there soon so that he would at
least have someone to talk to, someone to take his mind off of his discomfort.
In the
meantime, he found himself thinking about the upcoming weekend. It was already Thursday, and the doctor in
the ER had said he would probably be here for “a few days.” Which meant he probably wouldn’t be
discharged by Saturday. He hated the
idea that he wouldn’t even be around to help Claire get moved in, and even
worse, that he might not even get to spend Saturday night at the house with
her. He had been planning to do
something nice for her – a romantic dinner, maybe a DVD (something she liked –
a romantic comedy, perhaps?), a nice long soak in the Jacuzzi upstairs, scented
candles burning all around, and finally, bed.
Together. But the whole
“together” part wouldn’t work if he was still stuck here, unable to do anything
for or with her.
He was
feeling sorry for himself, and for her too.
The weekend would be ruined for both of them, and Claire deserved better
than that. She deserved to be pampered
and treated like a queen who had just taken the throne in her new palace, not
left to fend for herself because her “king” was laid up in a hospital bed. It just wasn’t fair.
He couldn’t
help but be angry. Angry at himself, for
getting into such a predicament. Angry
at Jamie, for showing off for Claire and giving Nick the push to learn to run
again in the first place. Angry at his
C-Leg, for giving him a blister when he’d run on it. Angry at the blister, for turning into an
ulcer. Angry at the ulcer, for getting
infected. Angry at the infection, for
not going away. Angry at the
antibiotics, for not working. Angry at
Dr. Yoder, for making him stay in the hospital.
And on and on it went. At that
moment, he was basically pissed off at the world.
With a derisive snort, he thought about what Howie might say if he could hear
Nick’s self-pitying thoughts. Surely he
would give Nick a nice long pep talk – that was Howie’s way. He’d given Nick a lot of them over the years,
especially recently, and as much as Nick hated them, he loved them. Despite the fact that Brian was his best
friend and that Kevin was the one he usually came to first for advice, Nick had
always been glad it was AJ and Howie who had volunteered to live him for those
first few months after the amputation, when he was still learning how to get
around on his own again. AJ, with his
casual air and flair for joking his way out of uncomfortable situations, had
managed to keep him laughing through a period of time when he’d thought he
would never have anything to smile about again.
And Howie, with his unyielding support and compassion, had simply been
there with him through everything, from his health problems to problems with
Claire, offering him a pick-me-up when he needed it, a listening ear when he
wanted to talk, and a shoulder to cry on when he didn’t. Claire had always been the best person to
talk to about anything concerning his illness, but Howie had definitely become
a close second. Howie hadn’t been there
firsthand, the way Claire had, but in a way, he still understood. That was the good thing about Howie – he
always seemed to understand.
And that
was why, at that moment, Nick decided to call Howie. Not only would Howie need to know what had
happened, since he was driving to Tampa on Saturday to help with the move, but
right then, Nick really just wanted to talk to him, to hear his warm, familiar
voice offering words of hope and encouragement.
He needed some of Howie’s optimism to counteract the pessimistic, angry
thoughts that had been whirling through his head.
Howie
answered his cell phone on the second ring, although his “Hello?” was not one
of recognition.
Oh duh, thought Nick, realizing he was
calling from his hospital room line and not his cell. Of course Howie wouldn’t know who was calling;
his name wouldn’t show up on the caller ID.
“Hey Howie, it’s Nick,” he said, trying to brighten his voice.
“Nicky,
hey!” Howie’s tone had changed instantly
to one of warmth and friendliness.
“What’s up, man? Getting geared
up for Saturday and stuff like that?”
As his
stomach clenched, Nick smiled weakly.
Howie knew just how excited he had been to have Claire move in with
him. He still was… but the excitement of
the actual move-in day was gone, replaced with the sick realization that all
his plans were going to be ruined now.
“Well, uh…” he struggled; what was he supposed to say to that? “Kinda… but not so much.”
There was a
moment of silence on Howie’s end; then, “Oh no… she changed her mind?”
“No, she’s
still moving in,” Nick replied quickly.
“But I don’t think it’s gonna work out quite like how I’d planned. I, uh… I kinda did something dumb last
Saturday…”
“What did
you do?” Howie prompted after another pause.
“Well… I
decided I was going to learn to run again,” started Nick. “So I went out in the backyard and… well, ran. Only apparently it wasn’t such a good idea to
run around the yard for an hour, cause I got a blister on the end of my stump,
and it got worse, and I found out it was really like a pressure ulcer thingie,
and it got infected, and I went to the doctor and she gave me some antibiotics,
but they didn’t really help, so… I’m kind of in the hospital right now.”
He said
this all fairly fast, and it apparently took Howie a moment to absorb all the
information, for it was after yet another pause when Howie asked, “Wait, you’re
in the hospital?”
“Yeah… the
doc made me check in this morning so I could get some more powerful IV
antibiotics. It sucks.”
“Oh man…
that sounds terrible. Are you
okay?? How serious is it?” Howie asked,
his voice brimming with sympathy and concern.
“Eh, I’m
fine, dude,” Nick assured him casually.
“It’s not that bad, more of a pain in the ass than anything else. The doc said I’d probably have to stay here
for a few days though.”
“Oh no… so,
Saturday…?”
“Yeah, it’s
lookin’ like I might not even be around for the move,” Nick told him glumly.
“Aw… I’m
sorry, Nicky. So she’s still planning to
move in on Saturday then?”
“Yeah, we
can’t really push it back cause her dad already rented a truck for this
weekend, and her landlord wants her out of her apartment and stuff. So we gotta do it this Saturday still.”
“Well, I’m
definitely still coming to help, so don’t worry about a thing, Nick. I’m sure it will go smoothly.”
“Yeah,”
Nick replied hollowly, then continued, “I’m not really worried about that
though. I was more thinking along the
lines of Saturday night… I wanted to do something special for her, D… you know,
her first night in the house and all?
Now I won’t be able to. She’ll be
there all alone.”
“Well, I
could stay the night, if you don’t want her alone…”
Nick
laughed. “Damn, Howie, like I want you
shacking up with my woman while I’m not around?”
“Well I
didn’t mean like that!” Howie exclaimed quickly, sounding flustered. “I just meant-“
“I know
what you meant, D, I’m just playin’,” Nick replied, laughing some more as he
imagined the embarrassed look on Howie’s face.
Sobering, he added, “Nah, I’m not worried about her staying alone or
anything… but I wanted to be with her. I
wanted to make it special, and now it just won’t be.”
“Aw, I’m
sorry, Nick. She’ll understand though.”
“I know she
will,” Nick sighed, “but still.”
“I know
what you mean,” said Howie. “Well, if
there’s anything I can do…”
As Howie
trailed off, Nick thought for a moment, ideas beginning to stream through his
mind. “Actually,” he began slowly,
“Maybe there is something…”
***
Nick hung
up the phone feeling much better than he had when he had picked it up. His mood improved even more when he heard a
rhythmic knock on his door and looked up to see Claire’s head poking into the
room. He smiled. “Hey, get in here!” he called, beckoning to
her.
A grin
spread instantly over Claire’s face, and she inched in, using her butt to nudge
the door shut. Her hands were behind her
back, and he knew she had something in them, something she was trying to hide.
“Whatcha
got?” he asked, beaming cheekily at her.
“Somethin’ for me?”
“Psh, why
would I get something for you?” she asked as she whipped her right hand out
from behind her back, producing a bouquet of flowers. Half a dozen yellow roses amid delicate
bunches of baby’s breath, and, blushing from the center of the sunny
arrangement, a single red rose.
Smiling at
the sentiment, Nick took the tissue-wrapped bouquet and cradled it in his arms,
lightly running a finger over one of the velvety rose petals. “Thanks, baby,” he said, looking back up at
her.
She
shrugged. “I thought they might help
brighten this place up a bit. And since
I figured you might be lonely without me later tonight, I brought someone to
keep you company too.” Moving her other
hand out from behind her back, she handed him a small stuffed gorilla. He laughed when he saw it, and she
grinned. “He reminded me of King Kong,”
she explained with a wink.
“Ah… he
kinda does look like ol’ Kong,” said Nick, stroking the stuffed animal’s soft
black fur and poking at one of its dark glass eyes. “Little small though.”
“Yeah, but
he’s the perfect size for hugging at night,” she replied with a sweet, girlish
smile.
Nick stuck
his tongue out. “I’d rather be hugging
you.”
“That can
be arranged.” Setting her purse down at
the foot of his bed, she came up closer and leaned down for a hug, careful not
to bump his IV line. As she pulled back,
stopping to brush her mouth against his on the way, she asked, “You doin’
okay?” Her voice was casual, but he
could see the concern in her eyes when they met his.
He
nodded. “Doin’ okay,” he repeated
assuredly. “I just got off the phone
with Howie.”
“Oh, good,”
she smiled, pulling a chair up to the side of his bed to sit down. “I thought one of us better call him and fill
him in on what’s going on.”
Nick
nodded. “Yeah. He decided he’s gonna come into town tomorrow
afternoon and get a hotel room for the night.”
“Oh, that’s
cool,” said Claire. “Then you guys will
have some time to hang out too.”
“Psh yeah,
just around this place,” Nick muttered disdainfully, his nose wrinkling as he
looked around the insipid hospital room.
“Yeah,
yeah… well, don’t knock this place too much.
It’s not all bad. It is
where we first met, you know.”
Nick
couldn’t help but smile, thinking of the unconventional way in which they’d
become acquainted. “True,” he said with
a dry chuckle. “That’ll sure make for a
romantic story to tell our kids someday.”
He rolled his eyes before looking back at her. When he did, she smiled, but it was a weak
smile, one that didn’t quite make it to her eyes. He frowned, momentarily perplexed; then it
hit him.
Our kids.
“Hypothetically
speaking, I mean,” he added quickly, hoping he hadn’t struck a nerve in
her. The weekend he’d spent at her
parents’ house, when she had told him she was infertile, he’d walked on
eggshells around her, careful not to say anything that might hurt her. But she had told him then that she had come
to accept it, and he had quickly seen that she had, or so it seemed. He could tell she was genuinely thrilled for
her brother and sister-in-law, who were expecting their first child, and after
that weekend, the issue had slipped his mind.
Like he’d told her then, it didn’t make a difference to him, and so it
was not something he had given much more thought. But he should have thought about it before
he’d spoken just now; the last thing he wanted to do was upset her.
To his
relief, she smiled again, and this time it looked genuine. “Of course,” she said lightly. “Then we can go on to tell them about our
first few ‘dates’ in the cancer clinic and how the first time you told me you
loved me was in the Emergency Room.” She
slipped her hand into his and gave it a squeeze, along with a wry smile. “We’re something, aren’t we?”
“We sure
are,” Nick agreed with a chuckle, touched that she remembered that terrible,
yet wonderful moment in the ER last December as well as he did; that she, too,
knew it as the first time they had spoken those three words to each other – I
love you.
As the
words formed in his mind, their eyes met, and for a few breaths, they simply
gazed at one another in silence. It was
Claire who broke the silence first, her eyes sliding over to his deserted
dinner tray. “How was dinner?” she
asked, and the topic of conversation was changed instantly as she lifted the
cover off one of the dishes on the tray and wrinkled her nose at the uneaten
contents beneath it. “Not so good, eh?”
Nick simply
snorted. She knew just as well as he did
that hospital food was not exactly fine dining.
It ranked right up there with airplane food in Nick’s book.
“Well,”
Claire went on, “if you’re hungry, I can at least go on a vending machine run,
find you something edible to smuggle in.”
“Nah, don’t
bother, I’m not really hungry anyway,” Nick declined, finding it amusing that
Cheetos and Twinkies from a vending machine would be considered “edible”
compared to the full meal provided by the hospital.
Claire
nodded.
After a
lull in the conversation, Nick asked, “So… how’s the packing going?”
“Eh, it’s
coming along,” replied Claire. “I’ll do
some more when I get home tonight, and then I’ll only have a little bit left to
do tomorrow.”
“Good,”
said Nick, feeling bad that she’d had to do it all by herself; if he’d been
able, he would have spent that day and the next at her apartment, helping
her. Once again, he cursed his leg and
the ulcer and the infection and the entire situation. He supposed it could have been worse though –
at least she hadn’t recruited Jamie to come help her instead, since he was in
town. Speaking of which… “So, Jamie’s flying home tomorrow, right?”
“Oh yeah…
he is,” Claire said, as if that fact had just dawned on her. “And crap, I think he’s expecting me and Di
to go out for breakfast with him tomorrow.”
Nick was pleased to see that she didn’t exactly looked thrilled about
this. “I don’t know if I’m going to
though,” Claire went on, looking torn.
“I’ve still got a lot to do, and with you being stuck here…”
Nick tried
hard not to smile. Okay, maybe being in
the hospital wasn’t such a bad thing, if it meant scoring points with
Claire. Wednesday night, she had ditched
him for Jamie, with the excuse that Jamie only had a couple of days left in
town. Now she seemed to be on the verge
of ditching Jamie for him. He was about
to play the sympathy card, telling her how much more appealing his breakfast
the next morning would seem if she were there to critique it with him, but at
the last minute, he changed his mind.
“Aw, don’t worry about me,” he said.
“Do the breakfast thing with Jamie while he’s still in town, and maybe
you can smuggle some real food in here for me at lunch.” What the hell did he care if she ate
breakfast with Jamie? Either way, the
guy would be gone by tomorrow afternoon, and Nick would have her all to himself
again.
Claire
hesitated only a moment, then smiled and said, “Okay, that sounds like a
plan.” She paused, then added, “Thanks
for understanding, Nick,” and leaned over to kiss him softly.
Now Nick
let himself smile – more points scored.
“No problem, babe,” he replied, suddenly enjoying the role of the
“understanding” boyfriend. “I know
Jamie’s your bud.” Bud, he
repeated to himself. That’s all they
were these days. Buddies. Friends who lived over a thousand miles
apart.
As far as
he was concerned, there was really no reason to be jealous.
***
Jamie called
as soon as Claire got out to her car later that evening. She’d had her cell phone turned off inside
the hospital and had only turned it back on just now – she figured he’d been
trying to call her for awhile. Part of
her was still angry at him for what had happened in the bar the night before –
her bruised knuckles had been a painful reminder of that all day – but she knew
she couldn’t hold that against him for long.
He was leaving the next day, and she would have felt bad if she didn’t
see him again before he left.
They spoke
only briefly on the phone, just long to decide on a place and time to meet for
breakfast the next morning. Jamie
offered to call Dianna and confirm their plans, and Claire used the fact that
she was driving home in the dark as an excuse to get off the phone with
him. As soon as she’d hung up, she set
the phone aside and turned up the radio, but her mind immediately wandered,
tuning out the song that was playing.
She could
not get over what Nick had said earlier that night. That’ll sure make for a romantic story to
tell our kids someday.
The words
played over and over in her mind like a broken record that had begun to
skip. Our kids someday… someday…
someday…
The way
he’d said it so casually, as if it seemed perfectly natural to him, she could
only think one thing – Nick was planning a future with her.
Okay, maybe
‘planning’ wasn’t the right word. But,
clearly, he had at least envisioned a future with her. Or so it seemed. And that had caught her by surprise.
It wasn’t
like she herself hadn’t envisioned a future with him. She had… as she had with other guys before
him. All her life, she’d dreamed of
getting married and having a family someday.
She supposed that at some point, she’d wondered of every man she’d
dated, Could he be the one?
Usually it did not take long for the answer to become glaringly obvious
– No! Tim was one of those. But just once, she’d thought, Yes. That had been when she was with Jamie. Of course, she was only eighteen then, young
and idealistic, planning a perfect future for herself. She and Jamie would date all through college,
and once they had both graduated, they would get married. He would work, and she would go to dental
school, and when the time was right, they would start a family together.
Of course,
none of that had happened. They’d broken
up before the summer before their first year of college (which had broken her
heart in the process), and not even two years later, she’d gotten sick. College had been put on hold, dental school
forgotten, and eventually, her natural ability to bear children taken away from
her.
For awhile,
it seemed like all her dreams had been shattered, her perfectly planned-out
future reduced to nothing but a big question mark.
But now she
was twenty-five, healthy once again, and back in a serious relationship, this
time with Nick. And she had
envisioned a future with him, asked herself the big question – Could he be
the one?
It was
certainly possible. She loved Nick like
she had loved no once since Jamie. He
was not just a boyfriend, but her best friend, and to her, “the one” had to be
both. But at the same time, they hadn’t
even been together six months yet. It
seemed too soon to start thinking seriously about more than just a relationship
– marriage, children, and the like. And
in a way, she was almost afraid to start thinking about all of that. The future was uncertain, and theirs seemed
even more uncertain than most – who knew where they would be in five
years? Or in two years, or even
one? Just two years ago, she didn’t even
know if she would be alive now, and even though she’d been in remission for
almost two years, there were still no guarantees. It was the same for him.
But maybe that’s all the more reason
to start thinking about it, she thought. Life was
precious; there was nothing better than a life-threatening illness to make a
person realize that. All the days she’d
spent getting sick from chemotherapy treatments had made her appreciate the
days when she felt well even more, and the fear of death had given her the
desire to live as much as she could. And
that meant doing things she ordinarily wouldn’t have done, taking chances,
refusing to be afraid.
Nick was
right in what he’d said to her before she’d agreed to move in with him. “I know neither of us know what’s going to
happen in the future, whether we’re always going to be together or not, but we
are now, and I think now is the time to focus on us… Life’s all about taking risks – you and I
both know that.”
If he
practiced what he preached, it made sense that he would have thought about
their future together. He’d said he was
just speaking hypothetically, but that had come after a pause, during which she
was sure she had reacted visibly to his words.
“That’ll sure make for a romantic story to tell our kids
someday.” She wasn’t sure it was so
hypothetical.
And then
another thought came to her. Maybe it
was because he said ‘our kids’… maybe he thought I was upset because of that. It wouldn’t have been the first time it had
happened – not with Nick, but with other people. Her family and friends – the female ones
especially – were always very guarded around her when it came to the topic of
having children, as if the very mention of being pregnant or having a baby
would throw her into some emotional upheaval.
This never failed to annoy her – didn’t they realize she was stronger
than that? The loss of her fertility had
been devastating at first, but it was not the end of the world. She looked at it as a sacrifice, one she’d
had to make in order to go on living her life.
Nick had made a very different sacrifice for the same reason. Neither were easy, but both were something
they had to eventually come to terms with, and she had. She knew she would never be able to get pregnant
the way most women could, but that didn’t mean she would never have
children. There was always adoption, of
course, and other options she hadn’t even talked about with Nick yet.
She would, someday, if they became more serious than they were now. But as far as she was concerned, they had a
ways to go. Right now, she was content
just to think about the next step, living with him. It was less than two days away, she realized,
as she pulled into the parking lot outside her apartment complex. In two days, this place wouldn’t be her home
anymore. Nick’s house would be.
But that’s a good thing, she thought with a smile as she
parked her Toyota right next to his silver Jag.
The Jaguar had been sitting in the lot ever since she’d come back from
the hospital earlier, without Nick.
She’d traded it with her own car to drive back that evening, not feeling
entirely comfortable driving his nice car around without him in it. As she shut off her ignition and climbed out,
she made a mental note to recruit Howie to help her get the Jag back to Nick’s
house the next day.
By the time
she had walked into the building and plodded up the steep staircase Nick hated,
her thoughts had come to rest, and her mind was now on the task that lay ahead
– more packing.
Oh, the
joys.
***