Chapter 48
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything felt so right
Unbreakable
Like nothing could go wrong
Now I can’t breathe
No, I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
- “Behind These Hazel Eyes” by Kelly
Clarkson
Claire lay in bed, listlessly flipping channels on the small TV that
was mounted high on the wall of her hospital room. When she realized there was nothing on TV
that was going to take her mind off things, she set the remote down and rolled
onto her side, balling herself into the fetal position beneath the thin
bedcovers. I probably look pitiful
like this, she realized as she toyed with her engagement ring, spinning it
round and round her finger. But she
didn’t care. She had every right to act
angsty at the moment.
It was early in the morning, but she’d been awake for what seemed like
hours. She supposed she’d never really
slept, not for long anyway. She’d waited
in the ER with Dianna and Jamie for hours the night before. A resident had finally examined her and
ordered some tests; it was late by the time he’d decided to admit her for the
night. She’d told Dianna and Jamie to go
home, but after they left, she sort of wished she hadn’t. It was lonely with only the troubled thoughts
in her head to keep her company. They’d
been her constant companion all night, bothering her as she tossed and turned
in bed, interrupting what little sleep she did manage to get.
She was glad to see the first light of day streaming through the window
of her fifth floor room, but as the sky outside grew lighter, her mood grew
darker. She was tired and anxious and
wished her doctor would come in soon.
She was sick of this nervous waiting; she wanted answers to the
questions that had kept her up all night.
What was wrong with her? Would
she even find out today, or would they want to run more tests? Was she rejecting? If she was, what would happen next?
A soft knock rattled her door, and she glanced over her shoulder,
hoping to see Dr. Rodrigo, but figuring it was probably just a nurse coming to
check on her or an orderly bringing breakfast.
But when the door inched open wider, she found herself looking at the
one person she had not expected to see.
Nick.
She turned her head away from him and didn’t move out of the little
ball she’d curled herself into, her back to the door. Closing her eyes, she waited for him to say
or do something. She heard his
shuffling, uneven footsteps as he entered the room; she could sense his
hesitance as he came closer. Still, she
did not roll over to face him.
He was silent for what seemed like an eternity to Claire, and if she
had not been aware of the sound of his feet against the tiled floor, she might
have thought he’d left. But though he
did not speak, she knew he was still there, watching her. It made her uncomfortable, and half of her
wanted to tell him to get the hell out.
But the other half was too curious – she wanted to hear what he had to
say. Was he going to try to justify his
behavior last night? Or had he come to
apologize? She held her breath and
didn’t move, waiting uneasily for him to say something.
Finally, he did.
“Claire?”
She let out her breath quietly at the sound of her name rumbling
hoarsely from his throat, but did not reply.
Not just yet.
“I know you probably don’t wanna see me right now. But I just came to say that I’m sorry.”
Claire lay still, silently thinking.
Okay, so he’d come to apologize.
Still… I’m sorry? Were two
words really enough to make up for what he’d done last night?
“Okay, well… I’ll… I’ll just let you be now. If you need anything though… or if you wanna
talk… call me. I promise I’ll come.”
As she heard his footsteps slowly retreat, Claire realized that despite
her anger, she didn’t want him to go.
“Nick, wait,” she called weakly, rolling over and sitting up to face
him. His slump-shouldered figure
hesitated in the doorway, then turned back.
He stood, his arms hanging limply at his sides, and stared at her. Sucking in a breath, she lifted her hand and
beckoned him back in, and after a moment, he came, pushing the door closed
behind him.
“I know you came to talk, so… let’s talk,” she said quietly as he
approached her bed. “Sit down.”
Obediently, he lowered himself into the nearest visitor’s chair and
looked at her expectantly. She supposed
now that she had asked him to come back, it was her turn to say something. “How did you know I was here?” she asked; she
was not ready to talk about last night yet.
“I, uh… called Dianna,” replied Nick, and his cheeks reddened.
Claire raised her eyebrows. “Oh
yeah? What’d she have to say to you?”
“Nothing too nice,” Nick muttered.
“Nothing I didn’t deserve though, I guess.” He offered her a guilty smirk.
Claire hid a smile with her hand, imagining Dianna ripping Nick a new
one over the phone. It was not hard to
believe; Dianna could be a bitch when she wanted to be, a trait she took great
pride in. Claire’s smile vanished when
another thought occurred to her. “So did
she put you up to coming here and apologizing?” she asked suspiciously.
Nick frowned, looking offended.
“No. She wouldn’t even
tell me what your fucking room number was, Claire; she didn’t want me to
come. But I came anyway because I had to
see you.”
“You had to see me, huh?” Claire remarked. “That’s funny… you sure didn’t seem to want
to see me last night.”
Nick closed his eyes briefly.
“Claire… it wasn’t you, okay? I
love you so much… I never meant to hurt you.
I was just freaked out, and I thought it might help to take a drive, get
some air, get a drink... you know, calm down.”
“Well, why didn’t you wait for me?
I could have used all of those things last night too,” Claire said in a
small voice.
Nick scowled and opened his mouth, as if to retort. But then he looked away and closed it again,
apparently changing his mind. After a
moment, he said quietly, “I just needed to get away for awhile, Claire. I didn’t plan on being gone all night; I was
going to come right back. But… I
dunno…” Looking down at his lap, he
sighed and raked a hand through his hair.
“Things just got way out of hand.”
“Out of hand how?” she demanded, trying hard to keep her voice
steady. What exactly had he done with
that girl at the bar last night? Nick
didn’t answer right away, and after a few moments of silence, she decided to
just ask him directly. She had to
know. Her voice trembled as she forced
the words out. “Just tell me honestly,
Nick… did you cheat on me with her?”
She felt sick as she watched him, waiting for his answer. He didn’t look up at first, and when he did,
his eyes looked oddly bright. “I… she…
she kissed me. And I… jesus… I started
to kiss her back. I was so hammered by
that point, Claire, it was like I… I didn’t even realize what I was doing until
it was too late! But then I saw your face,
in my head, and I stopped. And then I
took a cab home. That’s all that
happened, honest to God, and it meant nothing, I swear!” His eyes were filled with tears now, his
flushed face stricken.
Claire lowered her head to her hands, pressing the heels of them into
her forehead. She could feel her body
shaking and didn’t how to react. Was she
supposed to yell at him? Slap him? Cry?
She certainly felt like crying, but she held the tears back. She stared down at her lap, keeping her eyes
open until they stung. She was afraid
that if she blinked, the tears would start to well up inside them. She’d been stubbornly fighting them back for
the past twelve hours; she wasn’t going to let them fall now.
“Claire, baby… please.” She
startled when she felt Nick’s hand on her back and his soft voice in her
ear. When had he moved? “Please believe me… I never meant to hurt
you. I’d give anything to go back to
last night and change everything.”
“You can’t, Nick,” she murmured and twisted her body away from
him. “Please don’t touch me… not right
now.”
He moved his hand to the top of his head, flattening his hair, and
nodded. “I’m sorry.”
“Good,” said Claire, shifting her weight in the bed. “But sorry can’t fix everything.” She pulled her blankets tighter around her.
“I-I know that,” Nick stammered, and she saw his eyes travel up and
down her body. “If you want me to leave
now, I will. I don’t want to make you
any more upset – I think Dianna will kick my ass if I do. But if you don’t mind, I’d like to stay. I wanna be with you when-“
He stopped abruptly, and she finished for him, “When I find out if my
life’s going down the shitter or not?
Yeah, I guess you might as well stick around then, cause if my life’s
taking a turn for the crappy, yours probably will too - if you plan on staying
with me, that is.”
Nick swallowed hard. “Of course
I am! I would never leave you, Claire,
not for real anyway.” He reached out and
seized her left hand, pulling it towards him. “I bought you this ring for a reason, you
know,” he said, straightening her engagement ring on her finger. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but
this wasn’t one of them. I love you, and
I’ll be there for you for the rest of my life – for better, for worse, in
sickness, and in health. No matter what
kind of news you get today, that’s not going to change.”
The tears threatened again, but this time, they were good tears. Not exactly tears of joy… but not
tears of misery either. She wasn’t ready
to forgive Nick yet; she knew it would take some time to get to that
point. But her anger was beginning to
fade, and she had to admit, she felt a little better.
She knew, however, that her doctor’s words later that day would have
the power to change all that.
***
He gives another smile
Tries to understand her side
To show that he cares
She can’t stay in the room
She’s consumed
With everything that’s been goin’ on
She says
Whatever happens
Don’t let go of my hand
Everything will be alright, he assures her
But she doesn’t hear a word that he says
Preoccupied, she’s afraid
Afraid what they’ve been doing’s not right
He doesn’t know what to say, so he prays
Whatever, whatever, whatever
Whatever happens
Don’t let go of my hand
- “Whatever Happens” by Michael Jackson
Nick massaged his temples wearily, wishing he had thought to take some
pain relievers before leaving the house earlier. He was still hungover, and it sucked. But really, that was the least of his
concerns, just a minor inconvenience that made itself known whenever
conversation died or the thoughts in his head paused.
The whole morning had been tense for both him and Claire. They made awkward small talk to cover up the
distance between them and the cloud of worry that hung over the room, but it
didn’t really help. It was impossible
for Nick to perch on the edge of her hospital bed and hold her hand and not be
reminded of why he – and more importantly, why she – was there.
He hated walking into a hospital room and finding her there, as a
patient and not a visitor. It brought
back bad memories from the past and made him scared to death of the
future. What was going to happen to her? To them?
He wished her doctor would hurry up and get there so they could find
out, and he knew she felt the same. Her
responses to him had grown short and distant, and he knew she was not watching
whatever was on TV – neither was he. He
kept watching her, as she stared into space, looking lost in her own private
thoughts. But every time a set of footsteps
were heard in the hall outside, her eyes flew to the door. But the footsteps continued on and eventually
faded, and with a soft sigh, she looked away, turning her head towards him
again. He always offered a sympathetic
smile, which was returned half-heartedly, and then they both returned to their
own thoughts.
Her head jerked towards the door again as a particularly loud pair of
footsteps smacked against the tiled floor outside her room. Nick followed her gaze and frowned, straining
to listen. Not the squeaky footsteps of
a nurse in white tennis shoes… nor the clacking of a professional in
heels. These sounded more like someone
in flip-flops – a visitor, no doubt. Not
her doctor. Let down again, his eyes
left the door. He was taken by surprise
when, a moment later, someone knocked on it.
He and Claire exchanged glances.
She gave him a look that was unreadable and bit her bottom lip before
turning back to the door. “Come in?” she
called hesitantly, and the door swung open.
Nick felt a sick feeling rock his stomach when he saw Dianna standing in
the doorway. And even worse, Jamie’s
head appeared over her shoulder a moment later.
Nick found himself wishing he could sink into the floor and
disappear. But he was caught. They had already seen him sitting there with
Claire; they were both looking right at him with narrowed, hardened eyes. If looks could kill…
“Come in, guys,” Claire said quietly, half-heartedly beckoning them
in. With the same lack of enthusiasm,
Dianna and Jamie reluctantly trudged into the room and stopped a few feet away
from Claire’s bed. Jamie kept glaring at
Nick, but Dianna suddenly would not look at him at all, focusing her eyes on
Claire instead.
“Do you know anything yet?” she asked, the usual liveliness in her
voice completely absent. Nick had never
seen Dianna so subdued and solemn.
Claire shook her head. “No. I’ve been waiting all morning for my doctor
to get here.”
Dianna checked her watch. “It’s
still pretty early. I’m sure she’ll be
here soon. How long have you been
up?” As she asked the question, her eyes
flicked to Nick briefly, and he knew what she really wanted to ask. How long has he been here?
Claire gave a rueful chuckle.
“Hours. I don’t think I ever
really slept.”
“I didn’t get much sleep either,” Dianna confessed.
“Yeah, I heard you were up pretty early this morning too,” said Claire,
a hint of amusement in her voice.
Dianna figured out what she meant as soon as Nick did, and again, their
eyes met. Nick felt his cheeks growing
warm. Damn it, Claire, he
thought. Why’d you have to bring that
up?
“Yes, I heard about your conversation this morning. No details, just the general idea. I don’t want to know anymore than that. I just want to say this – Dianna, thank you;
I know you were just being a good friend and looking out for me. But just so we’re all clear, Nick and I have
already had a chance to talk this morning, and things are okay. Not perfect, but… that’s for the two of us to
work out. So it would mean a lot to me
if we could all just get past last night and try to be friendly… or at least
civil,” Claire said evenly, looking from Dianna to Jamie.
Remembering Jamie’s words to him the night before, Nick couldn’t resist
shooting him a victorious smile when Claire’s head was turned. You think it’s you she’s always
wanted? Think again, asshole, he
thought triumphantly, much more confident now that it seemed he had gotten
Claire back. Jamie was nothing
but a prick.
He felt a rush of satisfaction when Jamie’s cool blue eyes flickered,
his lips twitching ever so slightly. He
couldn’t even scowl because he was in Claire’s line of sight. Nick felt like laughing, but all at once,
Claire’s head swung around to look at him, and she said, “That includes you
too.” Raising an eyebrow and giving him
a little smirk, she added, “I heard about what happened when you got home last
night too.”
She didn’t seem angry; she actually looked amused by it. But that just made him feel stupid for
picking a fight with Jamie. What was he,
ten?
No, he was drunk. But he hated
Jamie Turner even without alcohol in his system, especially after last night.
“Nothing happened,” he muttered, avoiding her eyes. He longed to tell her that Jamie had knocked
him down in the driveway, that he had the scrapes and bruises from the concrete
to prove it. Maybe he could get some
sympathy out of her that way. But he
decided not to, for that would mean admitting that he’d been the instigator of
the fight, and he’d prefer to just drop it.
She wouldn’t get mad at Jamie for shoving him if she knew he’d taken a
swing at Jamie first.
Jamie smirked at him behind her back – a cruel smirk, not a playful one
like Claire’s - and Nick wished he could take another swing right then. Now that he was sober, he’d have much better
aim. He longed to punch Jamie’s smug
face in and wipe that smirk off with his fist.
He balled his hand up, but settled for picturing himself kicking
Jamie’s ass in his head instead. Claire
wouldn’t be too happy with him if he attacked Jamie in the middle of her
hospital room, and he was walking on thin ice with her right now anyway. It wasn’t worth it to mess up again so soon
after apologizing to her.
Claire turned back to face Jamie and Dianna and continued, “Nick and I
are still planning to get married, and I want both of you to be at the
wedding. And Di, you’re supposed to be
my maid of honor. So please…”
“Don’t worry about it, Claire,” Dianna spoke up quickly, offering
Claire a smile. “Of course I’m still
going to be your maid of honor. And
Nick-“ She looked past Claire to Nick
and offered a shrug. “You fucked up last
night, buddy… but if Claire’s going to forgive you, I guess I’ll have to
forgive you too. Any friend of hers is a
friend of mine. No hard feelings.”
Nick nodded and forced an apologetic smile, knowing he had better play
nice. “Ditto,” he replied, purposefully
looking at only Dianna and not Jamie.
Claire’s friend or not, that dude would never be a friend of his.
Jamie never got a chance to talk, for at that moment, a light knock
sounded against the open door, and Nick looked up to see Claire’s oncologist,
Dr. Rodrigo, standing in the doorway.
Just like when he’d looked up and seen Dianna and Jamie, he felt sick to
his stomach. Only this was a different
kind of sick. And it was far worse.
Dr. Rodrigo smiled as she came into the room. “Good morning, Claire,” she said in
professional manner and looked around the room, her eyes resting upon Nick,
Jamie, and Dianna.
Jamie cleared his throat. “Um,
maybe we should go take a walk… or something,” he muttered, shifting his weight
from foot to foot. He looked over at
Dianna, who looked from him to Claire.
Claire nodded. “Sure,” she said,
her voice sounding oddly high-pitched.
“Yeah, why don’t you guys go get some coffee or some fresh air or
something?”
Nick watched through narrowed eyes as the two of them left Claire’s room,
closing the door behind them. Now it was
just him and Claire, facing her doctor.
Swallowing hard, he reached for her hand again and gave it a
squeeze. It felt cold and clammy.
“Claire, I know you’re worried,” Dr. Rodrigo said, “so I won’t delay
this any longer. Your bloodwork came out
normal, you aren’t showing any other symptoms of GHVD, and your bone marrow
seems to be working just fine. The rash
you found must have been caused by something else. It might simply be a reaction to some kind of
irritant. What products have you used on
the affected area in the last few days?
Anything that you haven’t used before, or something that has gone bad?”
It was just beginning to dawn on Nick that this meant Claire wasn’t
rejecting after all, when he looked at her and noticed that her cheeks had
grown very red.
“Sunscreen,” she said lightly and then a chuckle escaped her. “I used my friend Dianna’s sunscreen
yesterday because I forgot my own – it was expired, but I didn’t think…” She started to shake her head and then
laughed again, the shrill laugh of someone who was very tired and under a great
deal of stress. “So all this time I’ve
been freaking out about nothing?”
Dr. Rodrigo smiled patiently.
“It’s understandable. You were
right to come in and have the rash looked at.
But if it’s only a reaction to bad sunscreen, it should clear up in a
few days. I’ll send you home with some
cream to put on it.”
Claire nodded, still looking slightly bemused, as if reality hadn’t
quite set in yet. It had for Nick
though, and as soon as Dr. Rodrigo had left with the promise of sending a nurse
with her cream and discharge papers, he pulled her into a tight hug. “You’re fine!” he exclaimed gleefully,
squeezing her against his chest.
“Everything’s okay, Claire!”
He would later realize that everything wasn’t okay, that even
though she was fine physically, they would both still have to deal with the
events of the day before and the damage it had caused to their
relationship. But at that moment, he
didn’t care about that. All he cared about
was her and her health. She was alright…
she wasn’t sick again after all. He felt
like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
“I hope Dianna gets back soon,” Claire said when Nick released her and
grinned, a spark of mischief alighting her tired eyes. “I can’t wait to tell her we went through all
this drama just because of her nasty old generic Sunblock.”
Nick snickered. “Don’t be too
hard on her – she’s a good friend to you.”
“Oh, I know,” Claire smiled.
“I’m just kidding. It’s not her
fault she was blessed with beautiful, tan skin that doesn’t even need sunscreen.”
Nick chuckled. “Aww, baby… you
know I love your pasty white skin.”
With a playful smirk, Claire flipped up her middle finger, but Nick
quickly covered her hand with his and pulled her close to him again, silencing
her comeback with a kiss.
***