Chapter 59
It was back
to work for Nick as well – he and the rest of the group had a long afternoon
ahead, and it was only Day 2 in what was going to be a very busy week. They had scheduled meetings with different
producers and booked sessions in the recording studio to lay down demos of a
few of the songs they were interested in recording. They also hoped to reserve some time to do
some songwriting themselves. Nick,
especially, was itching to do this. He’d
only discovered a love for writing while working on Now or Never, and
even if the album hadn’t done as well as he’d wished it had, there had been a
thrill in seeing a few of his own songs make the final cut and getting to
perform them for his fans.
But that
was three years ago, and the days of his solo project seemed like part of
another lifetime. So much had happened
since then, and he’d changed in so many ways.
He hadn’t really sat down and tried to write since early on in the
process of recording their last album, and the feelings he’d had inside him
then hadn’t been ready to come out yet.
But now they were… those feelings and all the emotions and experiences
he’d cycled through since. He was ready
to get them out and let them go through his music. He was just waiting for the right moment,
that burst of inspiration he needed to get started.
“He
shoots! He-“ Nick looked up just in time to see a Nerf
basketball whizzing at his face.
Instinctively, he tried to duck, but his reflexes were not quick enough,
as the ball smacked him right in the middle of the forehead. That was not quite the “burst of
inspiration” he’d been hoping for.
“Oops,”
giggled a guilty Brian, covering his mouth with his hand as Nick’s hand rose to
rub his forehead. “Sorry, buddy. You okay?”
He looked
genuinely concerned, which amused Nick – it was only a Nerf ball, after all –
so he couldn’t resist putting on an act to mess with Brian’s mind a
little. “Shit, Bri!” he moaned,
contorting his face into a pained expression.
“That really hurt! I’m gonna have
a bruise there! Maybe even a concussion!”
“Aw, come
on, Nick, it was only a Nerf ball…” Brian said slowly, his tone not quite
matching the confidence in his words.
Nick rolled
his eyes. “I know that, Rok; I was just
playin’ with ya. I’m fine, dude.”
“Are you
sure?” Great, now Brian really thought
he’d hurt him.
“Yes! Damn!”
Brian
smiled sheepishly. “Sorry. Just making sure. I didn’t mean to whack you in the head.”
Nick
snorted and turned to glance over his shoulder.
The small, plastic basketball hoop that went with the Nerf ball was
mounted on the wall behind him, above and at least a foot to the right of where
his head had been. “Damn, what happened
to your aim? You’re losin’ your skills
with age, Old Man!”
“Won’t be
long, and you’ll be hitting thirty too, Nicky,” Brian retorted, sticking his
tongue out playfully. “It comes up on
you pretty quick.”
Nick only
smiled. Thirty didn’t sound so bad. Sure, it was practically “over the hill” (or
at least it had seemed like it to him at Kevin’s thirtieth birthday party a few
years ago), but he’d much rather be over the hill than six feet under it. And if he was still cancer-free by the time
he turned thirty, he’d be considered cured.
No more worries.
No, thirty
didn’t sound bad at all.
“Are you
kidding?” AJ’s voice came out of nowhere.
“Nicky and I will never join the ranks of you thirty-and-over folk. We’re gonna stay young forever.”
“Not if you
keep smoking those,” Brian pointed out with a disapproving glance at the pack
of cigarettes AJ was sliding out of his pocket.
“Fuck you,”
AJ shot back without missing a beat, grinning as he strode out of the room –
off for a smoke outside, no doubt. No
one was a big fan of AJ’s smoking habit, but except for the occasional
heckling, they usually left him alone about it.
As long as he wasn’t back to drinking or snorting coke, they were
happy. And anyway, he kept saying he was
going to quit…
“Baylee! Quit that, honey – you’re going to put a dent
in the wall!”
Recognizing
Leighanne’s voice from out in the hall, Nick looked up just in time to see
Brian’s blonde wife drag his equally blonde son into the lounge they had taken
over on their break. In the hand that
was not being clutched by his mother’s, little Baylee held a small action
figure. A smile spread across Nick’s
face as he realized it was one of the Backstreet Boys action figures Burger
King had sold as Kid’s Meal toys – Brian, of course. He was just about to comment on it when
Baylee reached out and whacked it against the door frame. Nick blinked in surprise and glanced over at
Brian, only to see Brian throw his own light body into the nearest wall,
hitting it with a dull thud and a loud “Oomph!”
“Ouch,
buddy!” exclaimed Brian, rubbing his side exaggeratedly. “It hurts Daddy when you smack him against
the wall!” But Baylee, far from
concerned, only shrieked with high-pitched laughter.
Leighanne
sighed and shook her head. “You’re only
encouraging him,” she told her husband disapprovingly and knelt down in front
of her son, gently tipping his chin towards her face. “Baylee, what did I tell you?” she asked
sternly. “Do not hit the wall
with your toys. You play nice with Daddy.”
“I make
Daddy jump!” Baylee exclaimed, waving the action figure around wildly.
Nick
couldn’t hold in his laughter any longer.
The kid was too cute. And having
an action figure of your dad? Well, that
was just weird… but funny.
“Hey, Bay,
that’s a pretty sweet toy!” he called to Baylee, who immediately looked over at
him in interest. “I got one kinda like
that too. He don’t look much like your
daddy, but he does jump like him.” He
shot Brian a devilish grin – they were all well-aware of the fact that Action
Figure Brian always fell flat on his face when you tried to make him jump off
the launchpad that came with him, unless you punched it really hard, and then
he flew through the air… only to end up landing flat on his face anyway.
“Daddy
jumps hiiiiigh!” Baylee cried, jumping himself as he thrust the toy Brian up
over his head.
Nick
chuckled again. “You got any more of
those guys?” he asked, wondering if Baylee played with the action figure of him
too. If he had one of his daddy, he
should have one of his god-daddy…
“Baylee?”
Leighanne prompted when Baylee did not answer.
“Answer Nicky’s question. What
other guys do you have?”
“Um…” Baylee rocked from side to side, looking at
the ceiling as he started to answer, “Kev-in… How-ie… AJ… and NICK!” On Nick’s name, he went charging across the
room towards Nick, almost head-butting him, but Nick caught him under the arms
just in time and hoisted him onto his lap, surprised and pleased by the change
in Baylee. Gone was the shy toddler he’d
scared with his fake leg over the summer.
He couldn’t believe how quickly kids changed, especially when they were
this little. Then again, it was also
hard to believe that Brian’s son would be three years old in less than a month.
“Look at
this kid’s hair,” he commented, playfully running a hand over Baylee’s head of
wild blonde curls.
Leighanne
smiled fondly. “He needs a haircut.”
“Eh, who
needs a haircut, right, Bay?” he asked, leaning over to look Baylee in the face
and running a hand through his own hair, which was getting pretty shaggy. Then, straightening up, he looked over
Baylee’s head at Brian and added impishly, “Just don’t let it get too crazy, or
he’ll start to have a Timberlake ‘fro.”
Brian’s
eyes widened comically. “Don’t ever
compare my son to Justin Timberlake, Carter,” he growled with feigned
fierceness, his nostrils flaring.
Baylee
looked over at his father. “Who dat?” he
asked innocently.
Nick
couldn’t help but laugh. “See, he’s even
starting to sound like ol’ Justin!”
Brian just
shook his head in exasperation. “Come
on, you two,” he said, glancing from Baylee to Leighanne. “Let’s go grab some lunch. Nick, you wanna join us?”
“Naw, I’ll
wait for D,” Nick replied, not wanting to impose on Littrell family
lunchtime. Howie would be along soon
anyway, or at least he hoped - he was still in the studio with Kevin, playing
back some audios they’d recorded late that morning. Nick had already listened to the tracks and
thought they sounded pretty good, but Kevin was ever the perfectionist.
Brian
shrugged. “Okay. I’ll be back in awhile then,” he said, then
added, “C’mon, Bay, you ready to go eat some lunch, buddy?” Baylee immediately scrambled off Nick’s lap
and hurried over to his daddy. Patting
his head, Brian grinned at Nick, that unmistakable proud father grin, and gave
him a quick wave. “See ya!” he called as
he led his family out the door.
Nick
watched them go, the smile fading slowly from his lips. He was happy for Brian… he had the perfect
little family, and he deserved it more than anyone. But watching them, Nick couldn’t help but
wonder, would he ever have such a thing?
Sure we will, he thought determinedly. Soon he would have a wife, a woman who loved
him and supported him, just as Leigh did Brian.
And with any luck, they’d be able to adopt their own son or
daughter. Maybe the child wouldn’t be a
perfect clone of one of them, the way Baylee was of Brian, but he knew they’d
love him or her just as much as they’d love a child of their own flesh and
blood. What did it matter anyway? Claire would make a great mom, and he thought
he had it in him to be a pretty good dad.
The smile
returned to his face as he pictured his dream family in his head. His focus soon went to Claire, the one thing
that was real in that fantasy. She
wasn’t his wife yet… but she would be soon.
Not soon enough though, he thought. God, he missed her. It had barely been a full day since he’d last
seen her, but somehow, spending the weekend with her had almost made their
separation harder to handle, for it seemed that just when she had arrived, she
was flying home again. He didn’t know
when he’d see her next. Maybe not until
Thanksgiving, and that was still over three weeks away.
He hoped
that once they were married, things would be different. That she would slide effortlessly into the
role of the Backstreet wife, accompanying him on tours, coming to his concerts,
dropping by the recording studio to take him out to lunch… He knew she wasn’t ready to give up her own
life for his quite yet, but once they were married, it wouldn’t be about “her
life” or “his life” – they’d build a new life together: their life. They’d both have to give up a little
something and compromise to make it work, but he wasn’t concerned. It had worked for Brian and Leighanne, and
Kevin and Kristin, too. Why wouldn’t it
work for him and Claire?
They’d
already been through the tough stuff.
She’d been by his side through everything; he had no reason to doubt her
devotion to him. He thought of all the
times she’d stuck by him, even before they were a couple. Even when she was just his friend, her
loyalty had never wavered. She’d always
been there, supportive and understanding, patient, yet stubborn, refusing to
let him spend too much time pitying himself, keeping him from throwing in the
towel and giving up on himself, even when he wanted to. And Lord knew there were times when Nick had
wanted to. It would have been so easy to
give in to the pain of everything he’d been through… but Claire had always had
a way of motivating him to carry on. He
owed her for that.
As he
mulled over these thoughts, inspiration struck like a flash of lightning in his
head, and without stopping to think, he reached for a sheet of paper from the
stack that sat on the table in front of him.
Pulling the sheet closer, he picked up a nearby pencil and let his hand
travel across the paper, scrawling quickly.
It would have been so easy to give in
to the pain, he wrote,
then paused, reading over the words, mumbling them to himself under his
breath. What next? He thought for a moment, his mind traveling
back to the weeks following his amputation surgery, when his own self-pity and
insecurity had threatened to tear him apart.
Claire hadn’t let him lie around and mope; she had been the first to
make him get up and fight to get his life back.
She’d broken through that woeful wall he’d tried to put up.
Wall… that
was good. Poising his pencil over the
paper again, he continued on a new line, Let the walls close in around me… He paused, then added an ‘and.’ This line needed to be longer.
Again, he
read over what he’d written.
It would have been so easy to give in
to the pain
Let the walls close in around me and
“And what?”
he asked out loud. What rhymed with
pain?
He kept
writing, line by line, and turned down Howie and Kevin’s lunch invitation when
they finally emerged from the recording booth.
“I’ll grab something on my own later,” he waved them off absently, lost
in thought. He thought he heard Kevin
say something about how he needed to eat, but finally, they both left, giving
him the silence and privacy he needed to continue.
By the time
Brian came back forty-five minutes later, Nick was staring down at a full set
of song lyrics.
I thought I had reached my breaking
point
Every ounce of my strength gone
But when I felt I couldn’t walk any
further
You’re the one that helped me carry on
It would have been so easy
To give in to the pain
Let the walls close in around me
And forfeit the game
I just wanted to give up; I just
wanted it all to end
Who knew that in my darkest hour I
would finally see the light again?
Chorus:
You opened my eyes to everything I
could be
And I would do it all again
If I knew when it was over you would
be the first person I would see
Through all the lies that I’ve been
told you’re the only thing in my life that stayed true
And when I didn’t want to live for me
You made me live for you
So the least I can do is return your
favor
Know that I’ll always be by your side
The world can turn against us
But together we’ll be all right
[Repeat Chorus]*
“Nick? Didn’t you go get lunch?” Brian asked,
looking down at him in confusion, apparently having realized Nick was in the
exact same spot he’d left him in.
“Not yet,”
Nick murmured, folding the piece of paper into fourths with care and standing
up to cram it into his pocket.
“How
come?” Brian looked at him with concern
in his eyes. “Are you feeling okay?”
“Sure, I’m
fine,” Nick smiled. “Just wasn’t
hungry.”
Brian
looked skeptical. “Not hungry? But you feel okay?”
“Trust me,
Rok, I feel great,” said Nick, patting Brian’s shoulder reassuringly as he
walked across the room. The pangs of
hunger had begun to attack his stomach by now, but he was surprisingly
satisfied. He hummed the tune of his new
song quietly as he strode down the hall to the vending machines.
***
* “Live For You” lyrics by Shauna Castle,
© 2005
AN: Huge thanks to the talented Shauna for writing these lyrics
for the story! If you like them as much
as I do, drop her a line at punk_rockerchick8705@yahoo.com and tell her so!
:)