Chapter 71
Claire
never knew where Nick went, but when she had finally regained her composure and
left the room, he was gone. The urge to
cry swelled within her, but, remembering her breakdown on Thanksgiving, she
forced herself to contain it. Calmly,
she retrieved her car keys and strode to the door, hopping into her Toyota and
cranking the engine. Then off she drove
to the hospital, to visit Casey as they had planned. Keep Casey company and keep herself from
thinking of Nick all at the same time?
She could think of nothing better to do.
The
oncology ward at Tampa General was just the same as always. It never changed, not for weekends, holidays,
or the feared collapse of Claire Ryan’s engagement to Nick Carter. Pushing all thoughts of the latter from her
mind, Claire held her head high as she walked briskly down the familiar
hallways, winding her way to the pediatric unit.
Casey’s
mother had just come out of his room when Claire reached it. “Hi, Mrs. Brenner,” she greeted the older
woman with a hesitant smile, afraid to sound too cheerful before she asked how
Casey was doing that day. She hadn’t
been to see him all week because of her father, and she knew from experience
that a lot could change in a week.
Besides, she didn’t feel too cheerful herself anyway.
Meredith
Brenner offered her a thin smile in return, the forced smile of a weary mother
watching her child go through hell. “Oh,
hi, Claire,” she said. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,
thanks, and you?”
Mrs.
Brenner just sort of shrugged. “It’s
been a rough few days,” she admitted.
“Casey’s been so ill… he hasn’t been able to keep anything down all
week. A neighbor of ours made us a
Thanksgiving dinner, so I brought some turkey and stuff up to the hospital for
him, but he was too sick to eat any of it.”
She rubbed her eye as she spoke; Claire couldn’t tell if she was wiping
away a tear or just plain exhausted.
“They’re pumping him full of fluids to keep him from getting too
dehydrated,” she continued, “and if he’s not any better by tomorrow, they’re
probably going to have to put in a feeding tube.”
Blanching
at the mention of a feeding tube, Claire shook her head slowly. “I’m so sorry,” she said in a low voice. “That’s terrible… for him, and for you,
having to watch him go through it.”
Mrs.
Brenner nodded, and this time, Claire was quite sure she saw tears sparkling in
her dark eyes. “It’s been very hard on
all of us… and sometimes, I wonder if it’s all worth it. The treatments, I mean. This new chemo they’re trying on him… it’s
made him so sick, and no one knows yet if it’s really helping him at all. He’s been such a trooper, but I don’t know
how much more of it he can take.”
When she
walked into his room a few minutes later and saw him lying there in bed, curled
into a ball beneath the sheets, Claire didn’t know either. With his pale, bald head and papery skin
stretched across his small, gaunt frame, he looked almost like a very frail old
man. But the stuffed animals tucked
around him, the model airplane hanging from one of his IV stands, the bouquet
of balloons in the corner of the room, the short stack of Nintendo games piled
atop his Gamecube… all reminded her that he was only a child. A child who had been battling this illness
for over half his short life.
She really
didn’t know how he did it.
It was one
of the things about Casey that had always intrigued her and practically broken
her heart at the same time – his strength, and his resolve, and his
optimism. She’d met him when he was just
six years old and facing his second bout of leukemia; though he had undoubtedly
been scared, of the hospital and the medicines and the needles, he had also
come to accept these things as a part of his life, necessary evils he would
have to endure in order to get better.
And there had never been in a doubt in his mind that he would, in fact,
get better. Of course, he was six then,
and death was still a vague concept. At
eleven, he was now much more aware of what was happening to him, yet he still
showed all the same qualities he’d had at six.
He still talked about going back to school next year and wanting to be a
pilot when he grew up. He had all sorts
of plans for the future, and clearly, dying was not a part of them.
I hope you get to do it all, Casey, she thought, as she sat down beside
his bed. He had fallen asleep, maybe
just since his mother had left, and did not stir. She watched him sleep for a few minutes, and
in her mind, she heard his mother’s words.
“Sometimes, I wonder if it’s all worth it… I don’t know how much more of it he can
take.” Her eyes began to prickle,
and again, she tried to hold the tears back, afraid Casey would wake up and see
her crying. It was a hard thing to do
though, for all of a sudden, she had a very bad feeling.
The feeling
lasted all the way home.
***
On the deck
of his boat, Nick raked a hand through his wind-blown hair. He’d been drifting for hours, and he felt
just as lost as he had when he’d set out.
He was losing her… he knew it. He
could feel her slipping away, like water through his fingers, into Jamie’s
arms. Claire had sworn time and time again
that there was nothing between them… but he knew Jamie still had feelings for
her, and he was beginning to wonder if the same weren’t true for her. She’d been acting funny lately, and he had a
reason to be suspicious. She’d lied to
him once… and as much as he wanted to trust her, he knew she could do it
again. Maybe she was just trying to
protect him, afraid of hurting his feelings.
That was why she was still with him.
Though he
still had no answers (What had he done wrong?
Why had she fallen out of love with him?
Why now?) when he finally turned the boat back towards the distant
coast, he had decided on one thing – he was going to go home, walk into his
house, and confront her once and for all.
But not an angry confrontation, like before. No… this time, all he was going to do was
calmly tell her that if she wasn’t happy being with him, it was okay to leave
him. That he would understand. That he wouldn’t curl up and die without her
(although he wasn’t quite sure that was true.)
If you love someone, let them go.
He’d heard that quote before, and he’d followed it once. He’d pushed Claire away last year, when he
thought he was tying her down. If
they love you, they’ll come back.
Claire had come back that time.
Maybe she would come back again, once she’d found whatever it was she
was looking for, whatever it was that was pulling her away from him.
Then again,
maybe not.
He wanted
Claire to be happy… but, selfish as it seemed, he wanted her to be happy with him. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing her
and being alone again. And that was why,
when he did get home, he abandoned his plan and said nothing. She was there and didn’t say much of anything
either, other than that she’d been to see Casey. He asked how Casey was, she told him not so
good, and that was about it. He went
into his studio and took his frustration out on his drumset for awhile, and
when he finally emerged, he found her slumped in front of the TV, a heaping
bowl of chocolate ice cream in her lap, watching Thelma and Louise.
Leaving her
to it, he went into another room to play video games, the kind that involved
big guns and blowing things up. He
played until his eyes were practically crossed, and then he went to bed. He was surprised to find her there in his
bed, already sound asleep, or so it seemed.
“Claire?” he couldn’t keep himself from whispering as he stood at the
edge of the bed, staring over her, wondering if she was faking. When she did not stir, he shrugged and
started to undress. He pulled off his
clothes and his leg and climbed into bed beside her.
Settling
down, he rested his head on the pillow so that it was turned to face her. For a few minutes he just watched her, her
relaxed features barely visible in the sliver of moonlight that streamed
through their bedroom window. God, I
love you, he thought longingly. Girl,
you frustrate the hell out of me sometimes… but I love you.
As a soft
sigh escaped his throat, he turned his head and stared up at the ceiling for a
long time before his eyes closed in sleep.
***
The next
time he opened his eyes, Nick found himself staring at Claire’s face
again. Only this time, she was leaning
over him and wide awake.
“Nick?” she
was saying. “You gotta get up now, or
you’re going to miss your flight.”
His flight…
shit. Realizing that he was scheduled to
fly back to LA later that morning, Nick sat bolt upright. “What time is it??”
“Quarter
till nine. Your flight leaves at eleven;
we gotta get going if you want to make check-in,” Claire said briskly. “I’m sorry we overslept; I guess I forgot to
set the alarm when I went to bed last night.”
“No, no
problem,” Nick replied vaguely. “I
should have set it; I’m the one who had to get up.”
Claire
shrugged. “Oh well, doesn’t matter
now. You get ready; I’ll start packing
your bag.”
“You don’t
have to-“ he started to say, but she had already dragged out his suitcase and
started piling his clothes onto the unmade bed to fold. Shrugging, he resignedly tossed back the
covers and maneuvered to the edge of the bed.
He stood up slowly and stretched his arms above his head, yawning,
wishing he didn’t have to leave so soon.
There was so much they had left to talk about, so much they needed to
say. Somehow he knew they wouldn’t get
the chance, not this morning, not face to face, the way they needed to be.
Sure
enough, after a chaotic half hour of getting ready in the house, they were in
Nick’s Jaguar, on the way to the airport.
The car ride was awkwardly quiet; with the morning scramble to leave over
with, the tension from yesterday had kicked back in, and neither of them knew
what to say. They drove in silence, the
dreary gray sky outside complimenting their moods perfectly.
It wasn’t
until they were standing in front of the security checkpoint in the airport,
Nick dreading the awkward goodbye he knew he could not avoid, that Claire
finally leaned into him and said in a low voice, “Look, I know this isn’t the
best time, but I didn’t get to tell you last night…”
“Tell me
what?” Nick asked anxiously, his curiosity tainted with suspicion.
She took
his arm and pulled him over to a less crowded spot in the vast terminal. “Just so you know… I’m going to start working
part-time in my dad’s office. In
Gainesville. It’s just a temporary thing
– it’s a busy time of year for dentists, what with all the cavities kids get
from Halloween candy and all the parents trying to schedule appointments to get
their kids’ cavities filled during their holiday breaks… you know. My dad’s not going to be able to go back to
work for a few weeks, and even though he has a colleague, they’re going to
swamped; they need all the help they can get.
And you know, more hygienists means less work for the dentists, so I’m
gonna take extra hours as a temp there.”
“But…
Gainesville? That’s two hours away! What about your job here?” Nick asked.
“I’ll still
be working here too, three days a week; the rest of the time, I’ll be in
Gainesville. Dr. Somers is fine with it;
he’s the one who suggested it, actually, after talking to my dad – they’re old
buddies. I’ll just be working more hours
and commuting between here and there a couple times a week. I just wanted to let you know what was up, so
if you call the house and I’m not there…”
“Are you
sure you should be doing that?” asked Nick, frowning. “I don’t want you to work too many hours…
you’ve been under enough stress lately as it is.”
Claire gave
a casual wave, as if to blow him off.
“Nah, I’ll be fine. This is
something I need to do. I wanna help out
my dad… and… and just be there for him, you know? This way, I’ll be able to spend some time at
home and help out while he’s recovering.
Besides, what else am I gonna do?
Who else am I gonna spend time with?
It’s not like you’ll be here.” Nick
shifted uncomfortably at the hint of resentment in her voice. “Di and this new boyfriend of hers are
practically Siamese twins lately,” she continued, “and I guess hanging out with
Jamie is strictly forbidden – besides, he’s not moving back to town for another
month.”
“Now
there’s something to look forward to,” Nick muttered, rolling his eyes.
“Yeah, I
thought you could be in charge of planning his ‘Welcome Back’ party,” Claire
shot back with the same sarcasm, sticking her tongue out at him.
Smiling sheepishly,
he reached out and touched her arm. “I
love you, Claire,” he said sincerely, looking into her eyes.
Her smile
faltered, but slowly returned. “I love
you too, Nick,” she replied softly, lightly draping an arm around him. “I always will. Don’t forget that.”
He frowned,
slightly perplexed by this rare elaboration, but he nodded. Pulling her close, he gave her a hug, closing
his eyes as he squeezed her tightly, inhaling her sweetly familiar scent for
the last time before he released her.
“I’ll see you in a couple weeks,” he said reluctantly, remembering the
regular check-up with his oncologist he would have to return for then.
“Have a
safe flight. Call me when you get
there.”
“Always
do,” he replied with a quick smile.
Giving her an affectionate nudge in the shoulder, he forced himself to
turn away. Adjusting his backpack on his
shoulders, he schlepped slowly towards the security check, glancing over his
shoulder just once before she disappeared from view. She raised her hand to give him a little
wave, but all he noticed was the saddened look on her face.
By the time
he boarded his plane an hour later, a light rain had begun to fall.
When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darling, when I hold you
Don’t you know I feel the same
Nothing lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it’s hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We’ve been through this such a long, long time
Just trying to kill the pain
But lovers always come, and lovers always go
And no one’s really sure who’s letting go today
Walking away
If we could take the time
To lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowing that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
Then darling, don’t refrain
Or I’ll just end up walking
In the cold November rain
Do you need some time… on your own
Do you need some time… all alone
Everybody needs some time… on their own
Don’t you know you need some time
All alone
- “November Rain” by Guns ‘N’ Roses
***