Chapter 83
AN: This one goes out to MT, for her honesty. :)
The month
that followed Casey’s burial was a difficult one for Nick. Despite their vows to call each other if they
“needed to talk,” he and Claire hardly kept in touch after he flew back to Los
Angeles the day after the funeral. In a
month’s time, he only heard from her once, when she called on the 28th
to wish him a happy birthday. The call
didn’t last long; it was mostly awkward small talk, as was the case when his
mother called for the same reason. She’d
asked if he wanted to do anything special, but he’d turned her down, promising
to get over to her house to see his brother and sisters the following
week. He’d spent his twenty-sixth
birthday with his true family – Brian, AJ, Howie, and Kevin.
They were
still hard at work in the studio, recording song after song for possible tracks
on the new album. The album was about
the only thing in Nick’s life that seemed to be going right, the only thing he
looked forward to. He liked the new
material – it was more mature than anything they’d done before. The songs were mostly ballads and mid-tempos,
having to do with everything in the spectrum of love, loss, and life. As he sat in a small recording booth, laying
down his solos and harmonies, he envisioned himself belting them out on stage
instead, bathed in the soft rays of a single spotlight, surrounded by an
intimate crowd of fans whose glowing faces smiled up at him from the first few
rows of the house in total adoration.
God, he
missed touring. The last tour he’d done had
been for his solo record, over three years ago, and he hadn’t toured properly
with the group since Black & Blue.
They hadn’t been able to do a tour for their last album, but by God,
they would for this one. Nick needed
it. He needed to be back on stage, back
in touch with the fans who had supported him through a tough three years,
waiting with commendable patience for his return. But most of all, he needed to get away.
He’d been
glad to leave Tampa – there were too many memories there, of Claire and now
Casey. But LA wasn’t much better. He was fine when he was with the guys,
working in the studio or just hanging out and goofing off. But when he was by himself, the loneliness
set in, and he missed Claire more than ever.
He missed just being able to pick up the phone and call her when he was
bored, without feeling awkward. He
missed looking forward to traveling home for a weekend to be with her, or
flying her out to meet him. He missed
her jokes and her hugs, her mere presence and the way he felt when he was in
it.
Nights were
the worst, for it was then that he was haunted by images of her face and
disturbing dreams. His nightmares lately
had been recurrent ones about his cancer coming back (or worse, Claire’s) or
flashbacks to all his worst memories from the last three years – seeing her in
the hospital… losing his leg… being taken in for his lung surgery…. He always awoke bathed in a cold sweat, his
chest tight and his phantom leg throbbing as it had before the amputation. It always took him a few moments to get his
bearings and remember. He was okay now…
Claire was gone, but otherwise fine too… and oh yeah, half his leg wasn’t there
anymore.
But the
hardest day yet, by far, was today. It
was exactly one month after Casey’s funeral, one month since he had last seen
Claire. It was February 14.
Valentine’s
Day.
Nick’s
opinion of Hallmark’s and Hershey’s favorite holiday seemed to alternate each
year. Last year, he’d been all about the
Valentine’s Day – he’d taken Claire out for a catered dinner on his boat, then
brought her back to his place for a late night marathon of cheesy romantic
comedies that they could make fun of together.
Two years previously, he’d done the fancy dinner thing with Leah. But the Valentine’s Day in between those two
had been the night Claire stormed out of Leonardi’s after he so ineloquently
told her he had feelings for her. And
this year, she was out of his life for good… oh, except for that call on his
birthday. Because they were still
friends, weren’t they?
Yeah right, Nick thought bitterly. He wanted to be Claire’s friend, but things
were still too awkward. How could they
be expected to just slide right back into “just friends” mode when not even
three months ago, they’d been making love and planning to marry each
other? Never mind the fact that Nick
still wanted to make love to her and marry her. Friends were great, but he’d loved Claire as
more than a friend for two full years now.
Vivid as many of his memories were, he could barely remember what it was
like to feel nothing but friendship towards her. And he was well aware of the fact that he was
still too hung up on her to even think about moving on to someone else yet, so
he’d resigned himself to spending Valentine’s Day 2006 alone.
The guys
had been as supportive as they could all day, although it was difficult for
them. Brian and Kevin both had good
marriages, and AJ and Mary showed no signs of a split anytime soon. Howie was the only other single one, but
unlike Nick, he had not just come out of a serious relationship and was all for
going out on the town that night.
“There’ll be lots of singles out at the clubs and bars; we should go
check them out,” he’d told Nick with enthusiasm (after Nick had flat out
refused going to any celebrity events in Hollywood). “You never know, Nicky; you just might meet
someone special.”
“I’m not
ready to meet anyone,” Nick had muttered in response, blowing him off
again. “Women are crazy, man. I just wanna be alone.” But of course he didn’t. He wanted to be with Claire, be with her the
way he used to be.
The guys,
of course, all knew this, and Howie had given up on the begging surprisingly
early. Their women appeared to take pity
on Nick; over the course of the day, they all stopped by the studio with food
for all five of the guys. Kristin
dropped by in the morning with donuts (Nick may have been down on Valentine’s
Day this year, but he had no problem sinking his teeth into a long john with
pink frosting and red heart-shaped sprinkles), and around lunchtime, Mary
brought over a pile of gourmet sandwiches from the deli at which she worked in
Hollywood.
“So how are
you, Nick?” she asked, plopping down beside him after her lips had finished
greeting AJ.
“Eh,” Nick
muttered vaguely, shrugging as he picked up his sandwich and took a huge
bite. He chewed slowly and thickly,
thinking maybe a full mouth would get him out of having to talk about how much
his Valentine’s Day was going to suck.
Mary rested
her hand lightly on his shoulder. “I
know today has to be hard for you. I’ve
suffered through the post-breakup Valentine’s Day before… it sucks.”
Still
chewing, Nick nodded in agreement.
“I don’t
know if it’s my place to tell you this, but I think I’ve known you long enough
now that I can be honest with you, so that’s what I’m going to do.” Mary cleared her throat, while Nick looked
over at her, waiting guardedly to hear what she had to say. “Honestly, Nick? I think you’re better off without her. Don’t get me wrong; I liked Claire. But I definitely saw her in a different
light. To me, she seemed like a strong
woman, someone who had used her own hardships to make her stronger and been
there for you during yours. From the
moment I met you both, I always admired her for that. But once I heard what she did to you, I saw
that my impression of her was all wrong.
Claire’s a weenie! Just moving
out of your house without any warning and leaving you a note like that? That is so lame!!” Mary exclaimed
heatedly. “She could have at least had
the guts to talk to you about it in person first.”
Nick had
taken another bite of his sandwich and was chewing it as thoroughly as he could
to avoid having to reply. Though he
secretly agreed with most of what Mary had just said, he couldn’t badmouth
Claire to her. He was hurt by what she’d
done to him, but Claire… she’d had a lot going on. He remembered what she’d told him the day of
Casey’s funeral.
“… I’m a mess lately. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but
everything is getting me all emotional, and it makes me overreact. What I did to you… the way I did it… was
wrong. I-I don’t know what I was
thinking. There’s just been so much shit
going on… all this stress… I-I just felt like I needed out, right then. I know I hurt you, and I’m sor-“
“I’m
sorry,” Mary said quickly, when Nick didn’t respond to her. “I hope I didn’t offend you or anything. I’ve just never been a fan of wimpy women, so
what Claire did to you has been grating me around the edges. I just had to get it out.” She offered him an awkward smile, which he
returned, after swallowing, hoping he didn’t have lettuce in his teeth.
“It’s
okay,” he said quietly. “You didn’t
offend me. I’d just rather not talk
about it, honestly. It’s… it’s
complicated.”
It was
complicated because Mary was right – the way Claire had ended their
relationship wasn’t in character.
Leaving a “Dear John” note just wasn’t her style. The Claire he’d known, the Claire he’d fallen
in love with, the strong woman Mary had described, would not have broken up
with him in a letter. She would have
just talked to him, openly, about what was going on in her head – they’d always
been able to talk about anything together.
But things
had been different the last few weeks they were together. Lying about spending the night in Jamie’s
hotel room… claiming she was too tired to make love to him… crying over burnt
turkey – none of that was ‘Claire.’ This
“wimpy” version of her both confused and concerned him. She’d been under a lot of stress, sure, and
it had inevitably taken its toll on her, but he wondered if there was something
more than that, something going on with her that he didn’t know about. Even now, he worried about her, but he’d stayed
out of her business, trying to give her space and time. That was something they both needed.
I thought it was too good to be true
I found somebody who understands me
Someone who would help me to get through
And fill an emptiness I had inside me
But you kept inside and I just denied
Some things that we should have both said
I knew it was too good to be true
Cause I’m the only one who understands me
What happened to us?
We used to be so perfect
Now we’re lost and lonely
What happened to us?
And deep inside, I wonder
Did I lose my only…
***
When Mary
left to go back to work, the guys finished their lunch and returned to the
recording booths. They were interrupted
a couple of hours later when Leighanne turned up, Baylee in tow, with
milkshakes for all of them. “I was out
shopping with Baylee, and we decided to stop and get ice cream,” she explained
in her melodic Georgia drawl, handing out the melting shakes. “Thought you boys could use something sweet
this afternoon.” She gave Nick an extra
smile along with his cup, which he dutifully returned, knowing she just felt
sorry for him, yet appreciating the gesture anyway.
“So Nick,
do you have any plans for tonight?” Leighanne asked.
Howie
looked up hopefully, but Nick shook his head.
“Nah, I’m not doing anything.”
“Well, in
that case… I know of a curly-haired, blonde cutie who would love to spend the
evening with you…”
God, Leigh, you are not trying to set
me up with someone,
Nick thought, and then he saw her eyes shift to Baylee, who was sitting with
Brian, happily making a mess of his little dish of ice cream. Curly-haired?
Check. Blonde? Check.
Cutie? Absolutely. Oh.
Nick got it now.
“Our sitter
for tonight cancelled,” Leighanne explained quickly. “Any chance you’d want to stay with Baylee
for a few hours while Bri and I go out?
You don’t have to if you don’t want to, of course; I just thought maybe-“
“Nah, it’s
cool. I’ll do it,” Nick replied,
flashing her a brief smile before looking over at Baylee. “We’ll have a guys night in, right
kiddo? D, you wanna join us?”
For some
reason, Howie didn’t look too excited by the idea of a “guys’ night” with Nick
and a three-year-old. “Eh, thanks,
Nicky, but I’ll pass tonight. I’m sure
you and Bay will have plenty of fun with just the two of you.” He winked at Nick, who stuck his tongue out
in return.
Out of the
corner of his eye, he saw Brian and Leighanne exchange glances, which made him
wonder if they hadn’t planned this. Pretend
they were in a jam and get Nick to agree to watch their kid for the night? That would keep him from swinging by a liquor
store on the way back to Howie’s and spend the night drinking alone as he
wallowed in self-pity… which very well may have been what he would have
done. But he didn’t mind babysitting
Baylee. He could put in a frozen pizza,
pop some popcorn, stick in a cartoon movie, and they’d be set for the night. If Baylee was his usual energetic self, the
movie probably wouldn’t get watched, but at least Nick would be too busy
chasing the toddler around the house to think about Claire.
Not a bad
plan at all.
***
“And here
are the emergency numbers…” Leighanne was saying, showing Nick a long,
neatly-typed list that hung on the refrigerator. “… my cell, Brian’s cell, our neighbors’ home
phones, my parents’ number – they’re in Georgia, so don’t call them if you need
someone close by, Brian’s parents – ditto, the L.A.P.D., poison control, the
pediatrician, the home security company…”
“Baby,”
said Brian, trying not to laugh as he walked into the kitchen, his tie draped
loosely around his neck. “I think Nick’s
got it.” He flashed Nick a
long-suffering look behind Leighanne’s back.
Nick’s smirk quickly turned into what he hoped was an attentive smile
when Leighanne turned to look at him.
“Your list
is really organized; I should have no problems,” he said, telling her what she
wanted to hear.
She
smiled. “I know you won’t. This is just in case. And of course, it something major does
happen, God forbid, you should just dial 9-1-1 first.”
Nick
nodded, trying to keep that smirk from coming back. What, did she think he was three
himself? “Right. Thanks, Leigh.”
“We
shouldn’t be out too late,” Leighanne continued her spiel as she walked up to
Brian to tie his tie. “We’ll probably be
back by ten or so, don’t you think, baby?”
“Something
like that,” Brian replied, shrugging at Nick.
“It’s fine,
whenever,” said Nick.
“Baylee
should go to bed around nine. And don’t
let him have too many of those Valentine cookies on the counter, or you’ll
never get him to sleep.”
Nick
nodded, eyeing the cookies himself.
“Okay. Bed at nine… not too many
cookies. Got it.”
“And I
think that about covers it!” Leighanne
smiled. “Any questions?”
“Um… I
don’t think so.”
“Great. We’ll see you later then. Call if you need anything. I’m just going to go kiss Baylee goodbye, and
then we’ll take off.” As Leighanne
wandered into the living room to find Baylee, Brian clapped Nick on the
shoulder.
“Thanks
again for helping us out, man,” he said.
Nick smiled
wryly. “No prob, Bri. Glad to do it.”
But when he
followed Brian into the living room and found Baylee in a fit of screaming
sobs, crying “Don’t go, Mama!” as he wrapped himself around Leighanne’s legs in
a desperate attempt to keep her from walking away, Nick wondered if he’d spoken
too soon.
***
“Shhh, it’s
okay… don’t cry, baby… it’s okay…”
Claire spoke soothingly to Kamden as she rocked him gently back and
forth, but still the infant in her arms screamed. She sighed to herself. She’d been babysitting all night – she had
drips of formula on the front of her shirt, spit-up stains down the back, and
she smelled like baby powder. This was
some way to spend Valentine’s Day.
And she had
chosen it. Just like on New
Year’s Eve, she’d volunteered to stay with her two-month-old nephew while her
brother took his wife out. “Are you
sure, Claire?” Kyle had asked her over and over. “I don’t want to cramp your style. We can find a babysitter, you know; there’s a
couple of high school girls down the street that might-“
“-Have a
date for Valentine’s Day?” Claire had finished for him, laughing. “Come on, Kyle, high school girls? They live for Valentine’s Day. And if they don’t have dates, I’m sure
they’re planning to go out with their girlfriends and bitch about not having
dates. I’ll come watch Kam – no problem. I don’t have plans.”
“Not even
plans to go out and bitch with your girlfriends?” Kyle teased her.
“Nope,
cause all my girlfriends have boyfriends and therefore have plans.” Bitter?
No… no way. Well, maybe a little. She’d never been the type to stress out about
whether or not she was going to have a date for Valentine’s Day, not even in
high school. But after the romantic one
Nick had taken her on last year, she had to admit, the upcoming holiday seemed
a little depressing this year. (Your
fault, she reminded herself yet again.)
It didn’t
help matters that Dianna had been gushing all week about the mystery date her
boyfriend Todd had supposedly been planning for her, or that doofus Dr. Tim had
actually called her after work the week before to ask what she thought Laureen
might like. She’d played the role of the
helpful female friend well, suggesting to him that since Laureen loved music,
maybe he should take her to a concert.
Laureen had come bouncing up to her at lunch that day with two symphony
tickets in her hand. “I know he’s Tim,”
she’d sighed, “but come on, the symphony?
On Valentine’s Day? How classy
and romantic and sweet is that? I can’t
break his heart.” So whereas Laureen
thought Claire had broken up with Nick too soon, she still hadn’t worked up the
nerve to break up with Tim.
As it
turned out, even Jamie had a date that night, with some woman named Sarah. That actually relieved her more than upset
her, for even though it meant she was now the only one among her group of
friends doomed to be home alone on Valentine’s Day, it also meant she and Jamie
had no excuse to hang out together that night, for lack of anything better to
do. If he’d been dateless that night
too, she was sure he would have suggested it, and she probably would have
accepted. Why not? If they were the only two single people in their
overlapping social circles, they might as well keep each other company that
night. Logically, it made sense. Emotionally… eh. Spending Valentine’s Day with Jamie would
have just been too weird, under the circumstances. Former flames… her recently single… him a
huge flirt? It just… didn’t feel
right.
Luckily,
she didn’t have to worry about it. Jamie
already had plans, and she had none, except… babysitting.
“Well fine,
if you’re that desperate to be with a guy on Valentine’s Day, looks like Kam’s
your man,” her brother had said. “Be
over here at six?”
And so,
she’d been at Kyle’s since six, watching Kamden. She’d given the baby his bottle, burped him,
and changed his diaper. And now, she
figured he must be getting sleepy. “Come
on, buddy. How about a change of
scenery?” Cradling her nephew to her
chest, she walked him slowly down the hall and into his room.
Kyle and
Amber had decorated the nursery in soft shades of cream and ivory, with accents
of powder blue. Claire walked across it,
heading straight for the wooden rocking chair under the window, next to a small
set of bookshelves. Easing down into the
rocking chair, Claire adjusted Kamden, whose sobs had died down into soft
hiccups, in her lap so that his head was in the crook of her arm.
With her
free hand, she reached for the book that was lying on top of the shelves. She opened it and set it in her lap, tilting
it so that the pictures were in the baby’s line of sight. The she realized she could barely make out
the words with the book that far away.
They seemed to blur and fade right into the pictures in the backdrop,
and even when she squinted, she could not make the letters clear. Sighing, she brought the book closer; one of
these days, she was going to have to make an appointment with an eye doctor.
Holding the
book up so that both she and Kamden could see it, she began to read
softly. “In the great green room… there
was a telephone… and a red balloon… and a picture of… the cow jumping over the
moon…”
Kamden
stopped hiccupping as she read on, accenting all of the rhyming words, and soon
she felt his warm little body relax against her. “Goodnight room… goodnight moon… goodnight
cow jumping over the moon…” she murmured.
By the time
she reached the last few lines, she could hear the baby’s soft, steady
breathing – he was sound asleep.
“Goodnight stars,” she whispered, “goodnight air… goodnight noises
everywhere.”
Careful not
to jostle Kamden, she let the picture book fall shut and set it down on the top
of the bookcase. Then she rose, slowly,
and carried the sleeping infant over to his wooden crib. She lowered him carefully down into it,
placing him on his back on the soft crib bedding, which was printed with
old-fashioned teddy bears. She ran her hand
over his back and caressed his head, letting his silky strands of wispy,
strawberry blonde hair slide through her fingers.
“Night,
baby,” she whispered, as she reached up to turn on his teddy bear mobile. As a soft melody tinkled out of the gently spinning
mobile, she backed away. At the doorway,
she hit the light switch, leaving the room dark, except for the soft glow of
the nightlight on one wall. Pausing to
make sure the baby was still asleep, she then eased out of the room, closing
the door partway behind her, and tiptoed back up the hall.
She sat in
the living room, lights blazing, TV turned on low to keep her company, until
the welcoming sight of a pair of headlights turning into the driveway flooded
her eyes. She heard the garage door go
up and a set of keys jangling against the lock on the back door. Moments later, her brother’s heavy footsteps
accompanied Amber’s clicking heels across the linoleum kitchen floor.
“Claire?”
Kyle called, and moments later, his head poked into the living room. He smiled when he saw her on the couch. “Hey!
How’d it go?”
She grinned
back as she rose from the couch. “Just
fine,” she answered. “He went down
without any trouble… fell asleep while I was reading ‘Goodnight Moon’ to him.”
“Oh, good,”
said Amber, smiling as she came up alongside Kyle, sliding her arm around his
waist.
“How was
your night?” Claire asked, looking between the two of them.
“Wonderful,”
sighed Amber, beaming up at Kyle. Claire
watched them together as Amber rehashed all the romantic places Kyle had taken
her... it was plain to see how in love they were. They had been this way ever since college,
when they had met. Claire had never seen
her brother so whipped over a girl, and it was obvious that Amber was just as
much in love with him as he was with her.
Looking at the two of them, Claire was wistful… had she given up on that
kind of love for herself?
We could have made it work
We could have found a way
We should have done our best
To see another day
But we kept it all inside
Until it was too late
And now we’re both alone
The consequence we pay
For throwing it all away
For throwing it all away
What happened to us?
We used to be so perfect
Now we’re lost and lonely
What happened to us?
And deep inside, I wonder
Did I lose my only?
***
The
question haunted her as she walked out to her car a few minutes later and
climbed inside, but Claire tried her best to push Nick’s face out of her mind
as she backed out of the driveway and pulled onto the road. Everything looked sort of hazy out the
windshield, and she knew she was going to have to concentrate in order to
drive. The streets appeared unusually
dark, the headlights of the oncoming cars unusually bright.
She turned
on the radio, surprised to hear one of her favorite Linkin Park songs,
“Crawling,” screaming out of her speakers.
Crawling in my skin… these wounds, they will not heal… She instantly joined in on the opening
chorus, singing loudly; after such a quiet night, she welcomed the noise. “Fear is how I fall, confusing what is
real…”
She slowed
to a stop at an intersection; crimson halos seemed to float around the red
lights on the row of traffic signals hanging ahead of her. “There’s something inside me that pulls
beneath the surface… consuming… confusing…” she sang as she waited for the
light to change. “This lack of
self-control I fear is never-ending… controlling… I can’t seem… to find myself
again, my walls are closing in – without a sense of confidence, I’m convinced
that there’s just too much pressure to take – I’ve felt this way before… so
insecure…”
Green halos
shot out of the traffic lights as the signal changed; Claire took her foot off
the brake and moved it to the accelerator.
“… These wounds, they will not heal…” She eased the pedal to the floor, urging her
rumbling old Toyota forward on the uphill stretch of highway. “Fear is how I fall, confusing what is
real… Discomfort endlessly has pulled
itself upon me… distracting… reacting…”
The moment
she reached the crest of the hill, she was struck by the bright white beams of
light coming from the string of cars coming up the hill towards her. The headlights were blinding; they made her
eyes sear as if they’d been pierced with white-hot knives, and for a few
seconds, she could see nothing, nothing but the ultra-bright light.
It took her
longer to recover than it should have.
She kept driving, blindly, and missed the stop sign altogether. Just as the supernova caused by the
headlights dimmed, leaving cloudy spots dancing before her eyes in its wake,
her peripheral vision registered another pair of lights coming at her from the
side.
There was
no time to react. She realized what was
going to happen just as it happened – the headlights enveloped her as the car
plowed directly into her passenger’s side door.
She heard
the crunch of metal and glass and felt herself being thrown against her door as
said metal crumpled inward and said glass showered across the front seat. Even before she registered the pain, she
squeezed her eyes shut in terror, subconsciously aware of what was happening
and the fact that she couldn’t stop it.
Her car had gone into a spin; she could feel it whipping around, the
inertia pinning her against her door. Time
slowed; seconds felt like centuries, yet she could not react.
Then there
was another impact, another crunch, another jerk. Her head struck something hard, and this
time, there was no supernova, but a black hole.
It sucked her into its depths before she knew what was happening, and
the blinding light turned to overpowering darkness.
***
Lyrics: “What Happened to Us?” by
Hoobastank, “Crawling” by Linkin Park
Text: “Goodnight Moon” by Margaret
Wise Brown