Chapter 85
“So, what’s
the verdict?” Dianna asked Saturday morning, as she and Claire walked out of
the Hillsborough Fertility and Gynecology Clinic. Claire took a breath of fresh air before
answering, relieved to be out of the doctor’s office. She had gotten used to submitting her body to
a physician’s examination, but being poked and prodded… well, down there…
was always uncomfortable.
“About what
we all thought – The Pill’s doing a shitty-ass job at boosting my hormones the
way it’s supposed to, so they’re all out of whack, and my body hasn’t been
making enough estrogen, so I’ve been cranky and weepy and impulsive, and my
bones are wearing down, but now I’m going to start a more powerful hormone
replacement therapy and take more calcium, so I should be good to go,” Claire
summarized what her doctor had spent the last half an hour talking to her about
in fifteen seconds and flashed her best friend a smile.
Dianna
blinked. “Okay, half of that just went
over my head, Claire, but I’ll take your word for it,” she said with a laugh as
she unlocked her car so that the two of them could get in. “Well, since you’re ‘good to go,’ how about
we hit Starbucks on the way home? I was
craving a mocha the whole time I was sitting in that waiting room!”
Claire
offered her a sympathetic face. “I’m
sorry for making you sit and wait so long for me,” she said apologetically, but
Dianna quickly waved her off.
“Oh no,
don’t worry about it, girl! That’s what
friends are for, right? I didn’t mind…
but I will mind not getting my mocha, so…”
“To
Starbucks we go,” Claire concluded with a smile.
Triumphantly,
Dianna started the engine, then paused and glanced over at Claire. “Unless you’d rather get home. I mean, if your arm’s hurting, or… well, god
knows what they did to you in there. Are
you up to going? Cause I can always stop
and get myself a mocha after I drop you off…”
“No, it’s
fine, Di!” Claire insisted, laughing at her friend’s concern. “Seriously, I’m fine, and a mocha sounds good
to me too. Now come on, put that car
into reverse before you faint from lack of caffeine.”
Dianna
grinned widely and threw the car into gear, guiding it in the direction of the
nearest Starbucks.
“Not too
busy… good,” Dianna observed, nodding her approval as she and Claire strolled
into the small coffee shop a few minutes later.
Claire
glanced at the clock on the wall. “Eh,
it’s mid-morning… guess we’re past the morning rush and too early for the
after-lunchers. Perfect timing.”
“Definitely.” Dianna led the way to the counter, where she
lingered over the menu, carefully studying her choices. “Ooh, look,” she said, pointing out a
sign. “They’ve got a mint white
chocolate mocha… for St. Patty’s Day.
Isn’t that still like a month away?”
“Yeah, but
what other holiday comes between Valentine’s Day and St. Patty’s that they can
make a coffee for? Nada. Besides, I like St. Patrick’s Day,” Claire
remarked.
Dianna
laughed. “Don’t I know it. You and Jamie… ye wee Irish folk. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how the two of you
pinched me all day that one year I didn’t wear green to school on St. Patty’s.”
“You
deserved every pinch you got! Not
wearing green on St. Patty’s Day… for shame, Dianna!” Claire gasped, acting
appalled by the memory.
“Hmph,”
Dianna sniffed. “Green wasn’t in that
season. It’s not my color anyway.”
“Green’s
always in on St. Patrick’s Day, dipshit,” retorted Claire, giving her a playful
smack with her good arm.
“Excuse me,
can I take your order?” came a droning voice.
Both women looked over to see the college-age kid behind the counter
staring at them, a long-suffering expression etched upon his face.
Dianna
stepped forward at once. “I haven’t
decided yet,” she chirped brightly to the bored-looking barista, “but I think
she’s getting your new mint mocha thing.”
She pointed
to Claire, who promptly made a face and told the kid instead, “No, I’ll have a
tall caramel latte, please. Not a big
fan of the mint,” she added to Dianna.
“Nick would have gotten it though.”
The words tumbled out of her mouth before she even realized what she was
saying, and when she saw the surprised look on Dianna’s face, she felt her own
cheeks heating up.
Dianna
didn’t say anything right then, turning back to the menu instead, but a few
minutes after she and Claire had sat down with their drinks, she arched her
perfectly-sculpted eyebrows and said, “So… Nick, huh? Talked to him at all lately?”
Claire
blushed again. “The other day,” she
answered. “He called when he heard about
the accident… just to make sure I was okay and all.”
“Yeah?” Dianna was clearly fishing for more. “Was that it, or did you two talk?”
“Sure, we
talked. Not about ‘us’ though. Just about… well, you know… what’s been going
on in each other’s lives. He’s easy to talk
to. It was nice to get caught up.”
“Nice? You mean it wasn’t weird?”
“Well,
yeah, of course it was weird,” Claire replied, shifting uncomfortably. “I mean… of course. I broke up with him. I walked out on him. It’s bound to be weird for awhile. But I’m glad he called, and I’m glad we
talked. I still care about him, and I
don’t want to cut him out of my life.
I…”
I love him, the words formed in her mind, but she
did not say them, choosing to let the sentence trail off instead.
“The two of
you are something else,” said Dianna, shaking her head. “How you can dump a guy and then be friends
with him amazes me. And Nick… no
offense, girl, but the fact that he’s even still civil to you amazes me
too. If someone broke up with me in a
letter, I’d never speak to him again.
Likewise, if a guy gave me a reason to break up with him
in a letter, I’d probably never speak to him again.”
“That’s
cause you’re a vengeful bitch,” Claire inserted with a teasing smile.
Dianna
considered this a moment. “True,” she
conceded quickly. “But you two…”
“We were
engaged, Di,” Claire said quietly. “It’s
different. It’s harder to let go of
someone who you thought you were going to marry.” Feeling awkward, she took a sip of her
drink. But as soon as the coffee hit her
stomach, she felt nauseous. “I don’t
even know if I was right to break things off with him in the first place,” she
confessed in a rush, unable stop herself.
“I mean, what you said about a guy giving you a reason to break up with
him in a letter… that’s the thing – Nick didn’t give me a reason. I had my reasons, sure, but it wasn’t
like there was one major thing he did that caused it. I-it was me… I caused it. I was doubting ‘us’ then, and now I’m
doubting my decision to end ‘us’.”
“Well,
that’s normal,” replied Dianna. “Who
doesn’t wonder things like that after a break-up? Especially one as big as this. But you can’t blame yourself for
everything. Sure, you were the one who
actually did the dumping, but maybe it was one of those things that needed to
happen. Someone needed to do it, before
you ended up in a marriage you weren’t happy in.”
“There were
a lot of reasons I wasn’t happy though,” Claire murmured, swirling her coffee
around in its cup. “My dad had had a
heart attack… Casey was dying… and now I find out I wasn’t exactly well
either. I saw the signs of the whole
hormone thing, and I ignored them because I just didn’t want to deal with that
on top of everything else. But in the
meantime, I pushed Nick away…”
“Maybe so,
but Nick’s no saint either. You can’t
talk about him like he was totally innocent in all of this, because don’t
forget, he walked out on you once too.
And he didn’t even leave a note,” Dianna defended her sharply.
Claire knew she should have appreciated her best friend trying to help her
justify her actions, but she only groaned, feeling worse. God, the note. What the hell had she been thinking when she
wrote it? She was not in her right frame
of mind; that was for sure. But once
he’d read it, there was no taking it back.
“I know,
but that was different,” she argued dully.
“He needed to get away that night because he was afraid… afraid for me. I walked out on him because I needed to get
away too… but I was just thinking about myself.
And besides, Nick came back. But
I… I left that fucking note on the steps and drove away, and I didn’t come
back. Not until it was pretty obvious
that it was over anyway.” She set her
drink down roughly, almost upending it, and shook her head regretfully. “What a shitty thing to do. All I can think is that I took the easy way
out… and ran over his poor heart in the process.”
“Oh, don’t
be melodramatic – that’s my thing,” Dianna snapped, giving her a cross
look. “Look, maybe the whole note thing
wasn’t such a nice way to do it, but did you ever stop to think that staying with
him would have been taking the easy way out?”
“What are
you talking about?”
“Look at it
this way, Claire,” Dianna said and leaned across the table towards her. Lowering her voice, she continued, “You were engaged
to Nick Carter. Do you know how
many girls would have killed to be you last year? Nick is rich… he’s famous… he
could have given you anything. Anything. You could have married him and never had to
work again. You could have toured the world
with him and been the envy of women everywhere.
You could have gone to all the Hollywood parties and red carpet events
on his arm, wearing dresses that cost more than my college education, and been
treated like a princess. And you know
you would have been. That boy loved
you. I know I never got to know him that
well, but even I could see that. The way
he looked at you, Claire… I wish a guy would look at me like that, and not just
my boobs.”
“If you’re
trying to make me feel better, Di, it’s not working,” Claire muttered. “I know most women think they would want that
kind of life and would say I’m a total idiot for giving it up. But the thing is, I’ve never wanted any of
those things! I loved Nick… but that was
the stuff I didn’t love. I didn’t want
to spend the next decade of my life being herded up and down a red carpet in a
tight dress and shoes that hurt my feet, having cameras go off in my face and
then being referred to only as “Nick Carter’s wife,” like I’m just some
appendage. I want a normal life and a
family I can actually spend time with at home.
And if that means working and not being able to drive around in a hot
little Jaguar, fine by me.”
“I
know! See, you’re just proving my point
for me. I know these things about you,
Claire,” said Dianna, smiling. “I know
you’re a homebody who likes the simple life, and even if I do think you’re
crazy sometimes, I love you for that.
You know who you are and what you want, and the life you would have had
with Nick wasn’t the kind of life you wanted.
You were smart to realize that and brave to back out of it before you
got in over your head. Staying with him
would have been the easy thing to do… no drama, and he wouldn’t have gotten
hurt… but from the sound of things, you wouldn’t have been happy. What if you’d married him and then spent the
rest of your marriage wondering if things might have been different? You know,
like maybe there was someone else you might have met, someone who could take
your breath away and offer you the kind of future you’ve always
wanted. Now you don’t have to
wonder. You can just wait and see who
comes along next.”
Who comes along next?
Claire hadn’t even thought of a “next” yet. First there had been Nick, and now there was
no one… but she was okay with that. She
wasn’t ready to move on to someone new yet.
She wasn’t even sure she was ready to get over Nick.
Skeptical
though she was, Claire had to admit, she felt a little better. Dianna did have a point…. maybe she was
right. And maybe – hopefully – someone
would come along, when the time was right.
She would do as Dianna said. She
would just wait and see.
***
The next
weekend, Aaron Carter could do little but wait.
He hopped back and forth from foot to foot, waiting impatiently while
Nick dribbled a basketball, purposely taking his time as he prepared to
shoot. When he finally took a shot,
Aaron practically pounced on the ball as soon as it bounced off the rim and
ricocheted back to the driveway. Acting
casual, he backed up, dribbling the ball leisurely at his side as he shot Nick
a smug smile, as if to say, See? I
can make you wait too.
Cute, thought Nick sarcastically, but he said nothing, waiting with his
hands on his hips while the little game continued.
“So bro,
whatcha been up to lately?” On the word
‘up,’ Aaron finally tossed his basketball in a high arc towards the hoop in the
driveway. It dropped into the net
effortlessly, falling through with a swish, and Aaron pumped his fist in
the air, doing a little victory dance, before returning his attention his
brother.
“Oh, same
old, same old,” answered Nick, reaching out for the ball as it bounced in his
direction.
He was glad
he had taken advantage of his free Saturday and come over to hang out with his
brother, even if it did mean he’d had to brave his mother’s usual inquest
first. He had put up with the awkward
small talk with her, but luckily, she had left the house to go shopping in
Beverly Hills, leaving him blissfully free to play basketball with Aaron.
Finally
getting a hand on the ball, Nick scooped it towards himself and worked it back
into a steady dribble. Aaron asked,
“Yeah? You guys still in the studio
then? How’s the record comin’?”
Nick took a
shot before answering. “Good; we’re
really happy with how it’s turning out,” he replied. “I think we’re almost done recording… we got
a ton of songs by now; we just gotta sit down with the Jive execs and figure
out which ones are going on the album.”
Aaron had
grabbed the stray ball and jogged back over.
“Cool. When do you think it’ll be
released?”
“Late
spring, early summer, hopefully. Then
I’m assuming we’ll tour in the summer or fall.
Man, I can’t wait,” said Nick, raking a hand through his sweaty hair.
Surveying
him closely, his younger brother nodded.
“That’s awesome, man,” he replied.
“I’m happy for ya.”
“So how
about you? How’s the new material
working out?” Nick asked Aaron. His
younger brother had been experimenting in the studio on and off since December;
he’d probably be releasing another album later in the year too.
“Awesome;
I’m lovin’ it so far. I should play some
of the new stuff for you.”
“Yeah, I’d
love to hear it,” said Nick. “You got
anything here?”
“Yeah sure,
come on in.” Nick followed his brother
into his family’s sprawling home, the home the Carter sons’ money had paid
for. “You know, I got a gig next weekend
too, a charity thing,” Aaron mentioned as they walked inside. “I’m singin’ mostly old shit, but I was gonna
do a new song or two too, if you wanted to come…”
It was a
pretty obvious hint, and were it any other weekend, Nick would have taken it
gladly and shown. But, as it was… “Aww, sorry, bud, I can’t. I’m gonna be in Tampa next weekend.” When he caught sight of Aaron’s crestfallen
expression, Nick explained quickly, “It’s just, Claire’s having surgery on her
eyes next week, and I need to go back and make sure she’s okay, see if she
needs anything… you know.”
But Aaron
did not know, or understand. His
disappointed face contorted into an angry scowl as he exclaimed, “What?? Why?!”
“She has
cataracts; they-“
“No, fuck
that,” Aaron snapped, cutting him off as he waved him aside; “I meant, why the
hell are you flying all the way back to Florida for her? She left you, Nick! She doesn’t deserve your fucking pity! She doesn’t deserve anything from you!”
Nick was
momentarily surprised by his brother’s sudden outburst, but he tried not to
show it. “It’s not like that,” he
mumbled in what he hoped was a calm voice, though his pulse had quickened. “We’re still friends… I need to be her
friend.” Aaron scoffed and shook his
head, and Nick could tell his brother thought he was being a huge pussy, but
wasn’t going to say it. “Look, I know
that sounds lame, but you don’t understand.
I still love her… so what’s the point in acting hateful, like I don’t
care? I do care, and I’m gonna be there
for her. She was there for me.”
“What, when
she moved out of your house without telling you? Yeah, dude, she was really there for you,”
Aaron retorted sarcastically.
The words were like a punch to Nick’s gut. Hurt, he narrowed his eyes and let the words
slip out before he could stop them.
“Yeah, like you were there for me after my surgery?”
All the
blood drained from his younger brother’s face as his dark eyes grew wide and
stricken. He opened his mouth; it moved
wordlessly at first, and no sound came out.
Then, as if he’d finally found his voice, Aaron choked, “Nick… I’m
sorry! I-I wanted to be there, but Mom
wouldn’t let any of us go! Sh-she said
you didn’t want us around!
Remember??” There was a note of
desperation in his voice, and his eyes begged Nick to remember, and to forgive
him.
Nick
immediately felt bad for saying what he had said. Aaron didn’t deserve it; he’d only been
sixteen at the time and still very much under their mother’s control. “I know, AC,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry… forget I said that. It just… came out. You know… diarrhea of the mouth.” He offered his brother a thin smile.
Aaron did
not smile back. “No, I’m sorry,”
he replied emphatically, his voice cracking.
“I should have been there for you, like Claire was, and I wasn’t. No wonder you’re still clinging to her…”
“Hey!” Nick
said sharply. “I’ll have you know, your
brother does not cling.” He
offered Aaron a playful smirk and added, “But… yes, she was there for me before
we ever dated; I’ve gotta step up and be there for her after. You understand?”
“I guess,
man,” Aaron replied, looking unconvinced, but he didn’t push the issue
further. Nick was glad. The last thing he wanted was love advice from
his teenaged brother. What did an
eighteen-year-old know about love? At
eighteen, Nick had been getting slapped around by Mandy. And hadn’t Claire been that age when she was
with that lame-ass prick Jamie?
Ugh. There was no accounting for
a teenager’s taste.
Unless it
was in music, that was. Nick spent the
rest of the visit up in Aaron’s room, listening to some of the new demo tracks
he had cut for his next album. They were
actually pretty good. His brother had
grown up, and his music had finally matured along with him. He was learning to play the guitar now
too. He showed off some guitar riffs
he’d been learning and let Nick mess around with the expensive new guitar he’d
gotten for his birthday.
When the
clock blinked 4:00 and Jane Carter’s arrival home was imminent, Nick rose and
pulled Aaron into a rough hug that ended with the still-lanky teen in a
headlock. Jamming his fist into Aaron’s
head for a quick noogie, Nick said, “I gotta get going, Airhead.”
Aaron
squirmed out of his grasp and scurried over to his mirror to fix his hair. When he turned back around, his eyes were
downcast. “Can’t you stay a little
longer?”
“Nah, I
gotta jet. But listen, we’ll hang out
again soon, okay?”
“You always
say that, and it hardly ever happens,” Aaron replied glumly.
“I know… I
suck. It’s hard when we’re both busy and
I’m living on the opposite coast,” Nick said, knowing that really wasn’t the
best excuse. Hopefully this next piece
of news would make it better. “But guess
what?”
Aaron’s
eyes seemed to brighten hopefully.
“What?”
“I’m
looking into getting myself a place out here again. Already found a realtor, and she’s checking
out some options for me.”
“Really?” Now Aaron’s eyes really had lit up. “You’re gonna move back to LA? That’s awesome!”
Nick
smiled, glad to see him happy. “Yeah… I
figured, why not? There’s not much left
for me in Florida now; you’re all here, and the guys have places here. I’m not gonna sell my house in Tampa, but I
thought it wouldn’t hurt to have a place to hang my hat when I’m working out
here.”
“Hang your
hat?” Aaron snorted. “You been hanging
around Brian too long, man? That sounds
like a Littrell-ism.”
“A
Littrell-ism?” Nick laughed. “It’s a
real phrase!”
“A real
cheesy phrase… that sounds like something Littrell would say.” Aaron flashed him an impish grin. “God, you are getting old. How does it feel to be on the other side of
twenty-five? That much closer to thirty,
dude… that much closer.” Aaron
held his thumb and forefinger close together, clearly enjoying teasing Nick.
“Ha ha,”
Nick laughed dryly, narrowing his eyes at his brother as if he were
offended. He wasn’t though, not at
all. Honestly, being “that much closer
to thirty” felt pretty damn good.
He hugged
his brother once more before he left, receiving a hug instead of a pout in
return this time, and drove back to Howie’s house. Once there, he got on his laptop and booked
his seat on a flight to Tampa for the following week.
***