An Interview With
Nick
In 2004, the year I started writing By My Side, my friend Veronica,
who also writes fanfic, offered to “interview” my Nick, the character, as a
writing exercise. It was a way for me to
get in my character’s head and really have to think about his thoughts,
motivations, goals, hopes, dreams, fears – basically just the way he sees
everything. It was nice for me to be
able to write in first person from Nick’s point of view, cause Broken and BMS are done all in third person, and it really did help me just
solidify where my character was at as we went through the interview. Although it was probably a good exercise for
Veronica too, having to think up interview questions for a semi-fictional
character, I think I’m the one who got to benefit most from it, since I was
answering the questions about my own character.
So a big thanks to Veronica for thinking up this idea and seeing it
through. :)
We slowly worked our way through this
interview, one question at a time, for about a year and a half (seems crazy
LOL, but yeah, there were times when months went by between questions and
answers, answers and questions), and finally finished it at the time I’m
posting this, January 2006. We’d always
been planning to post it once we were done, just cause we found it interesting
and thought the rest of the BMS readers might too. So here it is, for your reading pleasure.
One last thing to note – since this
was written over such a long period, my/”Nick’s” answers reflect wherever I/he
was in the story at the time. So when he
refers to his girlfriend in the earlier questions, he’s talking about Claire,
even though at the time I’m posting this, they’re not together in the
story. I thought about going back to
bring the answers up to date, but I changed my mind and decided to leave them
as is. I’m not sure if “Nick” really
changes any over the course of this interview, the way I think he has in the
story, but if he does, it’s there for you to witness.
Thanks for reading, and thanks again
to Veronica for doing this with me! It
was fun! :)
~Julie
1/13/2006
Veronica: Thanks for agreeing to this interview,
Nick. Let's get started. How would you describe the last few years or
so since you were diagnosed with cancer?
Nick: Hey, no problem, thanks for offering to
interview me. I guess it’s about time I opened up and got my story out to the
public, my fans especially. So, um, to
answer your question… Well, if I’m being
honest, the first word that comes to mind is “crappy” – I can say that,
right? Crappy? Oh well, I guess you can edit it out if
not. But anyway… yeah, um, the last
couple of years have been the hardest of my life. I thought I’d been through some tough times
in the past, but nothing like this.
Disputes with management and lawsuits with our record company… family
problems and break-ups with girlfriends… all of that kind of stuff seems so
petty when you get diagnosed with something as serious as cancer. In a lot of ways, I’m a different person than
I was before I was diagnosed – I mean, my life and whole mindset has totally
changed. A few years ago, I was living
the rock star life – you know, making music and touring, partying, all that
good stuff. But since then, my
priorities have shifted. Even though
I’ve managed to do some stuff with the Backstreet Boys since I was diagnosed,
my career isn’t the first thing that comes to mind when you ask about the last
few years, because so much of that time has revolved around my illness… you
know, hospitals and the treatments and stuff.
But I know
the fellas would want me to look on the bright side here, so before I start to
sound too depressing – haha, too late, right? – I also have to add that the
last two years haven’t been all bad. I
mean, like I said, I’ve been lucky enough to be able to continue with my
career, which is, you know, one of my biggest passions. And me being sick has actually brought the
group closer together. And it also kinda
introduced me to my girlfriend, who I love very much. So yeah… I guess every cloud does have its
silver lining.
V: It does; just gotta look and find it. So tell me then, how has having cancer
affected the way you see yourself? Not
just physically, but mentally as well?
N: Hm… well,
having cancer has definitely affected the way I see myself. At first, it was really hard to get used to
the idea that I really did have cancer.
Not that I thought I was above it or anything, but you know, it’s that
“It can’t happen to me” feeling. You
can’t really fathom the idea of having cancer yourself until you hear the words
and it starts to sink in. And then it
gets really weird when people find out.
Because even though you know you’re still the same old person, they
start looking at you differently. And
you get a new label – cancer victim. It
took me a long time to get used to that because I didn’t want to think of
myself as a ‘cancer victim.’ I guess
you’d call that denial. I got used to it
eventually, but I still don’t really like being labeled as that… I’d prefer
‘cancer survivor,’ if anything. Cause
that’s how I’d like to think of myself – as a survivor, not a victim.
Anyway, when
I was first diagnosed, even after the initial shock went away and the reality
of it kinda set in, I didn’t really see myself any differently. I was still the same old Nick – and I still
am. But as you know, the various
treatments for cancer do a lot of things to your body, and once I started
experiencing those side effects, my view of myself did change. While I was on chemo, my hair fell out, and I
lost a lot of weight and muscle mass in a short amount of time, and I just
physically looked really different, and not in a good way. I was pretty nasty-looking there for
awhile. And I know it would be hard on
anybody, but it was especially hard for me, being in the public eye and having
the spotlight on me all the time. When
you’re an entertainer, especially the kind I am, looks matter. It shouldn’t really be that way, but it
is. I’m not naïve enough to think that
physical appearance played absolutely no part in the success of the Backstreet
Boys. And I mean, I’ve never really
thought of myself as “hot” or whatever, so don’t think I have some big ego –
all I’m saying is I know that a lot of our female fans do find us attractive,
and so we’ve always been judged on our looks.
Which is flattering, but it does make it even harder when the looks
go. I was afraid to go out in public,
afraid to be seen looking the way I did.
I was ashamed and kind of embarrassed of it, even though I know I
shouldn’t have been – it’s not like I could have helped it. But the good thing about chemo is that the
side effects eventually go away. After I
was done with the treatment, my hair grew back, and I started looking like my
old self again, which was a big boost for my self-confidence.
Losing my
leg was an entirely different story.
That completely shattered the self-confidence I’d built back up, and
even though I’ve come a long way in accepting myself the way I am since then, I
don’t really have that confidence back yet.
Just doing this interview is really hard for me… I mean, opening up
about stuff that’s so personal is nerve-racking. But I know people are curious, and I want
them to know and to understand kind of where I’m coming from. Cause you know, in our society, and
especially in the entertainment business, people strive for perfection and
expect you to be perfect. And obviously,
I’m not – not physically and not in any other way. But even though I’ve changed on the outside,
on the inside I’m still the same person I always was, and I want people to see
that and accept me for who I am. And
that, I think, will help me learn to completely accept myself.
V: Accepting what's happened comes with time;
it'll get easier. That said, how are
your relationships with those close to you?
Your friends, family and girlfriend?
Have any of them been strained since everything’s happened?
N: Well, different people react to things like
this in different ways, and I do have friends who I’m not as close to as I used
to be. I don’t see as much of my family
as I’d like to, and my relationship with my mom especially is strained. It was strained before any of this went down,
but it’s even worse now… although I’d prefer not to get into any specifics
there. But for the most part, this
ordeal has strengthened my relationships with the people I’m close to. The Backstreet Boys, as a group and as
friends, are tighter than ever, and as for my girlfriend, I couldn’t ask for a
better woman in my life. Sometimes it
takes a serious situation like this to remind you of who and what is important
and bring you closer together to the people you care about.
V: People always say to live for the moment and
live for now, not to worry too much about the future. Since your life has changed so drastically,
do you have any new goals or accomplishments for six months from now or maybe
even six years from now, taking into consideration your career and current
situation?
N: After almost losing my life to cancer, I look
at life differently. I used to take the
future for granted… you know, I just figured I’d be around for years and years
and be able to do whatever I wanted. But
it’s different now… I know the future is uncertain, and I want to make the most
out of the time that I have. It’s kinda
like the quote I put in my liner notes on the Millennium album – “Live life to
the fullest, for the future is scarce.”
That’s what I’d like to do from now on.
I want to get married someday, have a family… I want to record another
album with the fellas and do another tour…
Maybe I’ll start some kind of charity organization for young people with
cancer, people who have been through the same kind of thing I have. I wanna give back, ya know. For right now, those are my biggest goals and
hopes for the future.
V: Having had one of your legs amputated above
the knee, do you find it hard to do the things you used to do? We know that you had to have rehab to be able
to walk and whatnot. Are you hesitant to
try to do these things that were once so easy for you? Or does the drive overcome the fear? Do you think that we as people take for
granted the things that come naturally?
N: I won’t lie – it is harder to do many of the
things I used to do. Physically,
everything just requires a lot more energy, and I get worn out pretty easily. But I’ve gotten to the point where I can do
most of the stuff I used to be able to do… maybe slower or not as well, but I
can still do it. I was swimming again a
month after the operation, and I still play basketball and have even been scuba
diving. I actually figured out how to
run on my artificial leg too, but I kinda pushed myself too hard doing that and
ended up regretting it for a month, so I haven’t attempted that again yet. But I’ll give it another try someday and pace
myself a little better. For the most
part, I’m not too hesitant to try new things these days. I’ve come too far with my rehab to back down
and let new challenges scare me away.
I’ve always been a pretty active person – I like sports, and hell, I
used to sing and dance for a living - and one of the things that scared me the
most before and right after the amputation was the thought that I might never
walk or anything again. I was really
nervous about rehab when I first started… I was scared of falling, of hurting
myself, of getting discouraged because it was too hard. But I figured out within the first week or
two that if I was gonna learn to walk again, I was gonna fall, just like a baby
learning to walk for the first time. And
I knew I was gonna get discouraged too… and I did. But I had a great physical therapist, and I
was surrounded by good friends, and they all helped me push through. That was really the hardest part of it all,
those first few weeks of rehab. Once I
got done with that and could walk without too much trouble, it was easier to
take it a step further – no pun intended, haha – and try new things. I wanted to be able to do as many of the
things I used to do as possible, so the drive definitely helped me overcome the
fear.
I do think
most people take a lot of granted. Until
you’ve experienced it, you have no idea what it feels like to suddenly not be
able to walk, something you’ve been doing without thought for almost your whole
life. It’s very frustrating and hard to
accept. Learning to walk again is just
weird because you really have to think about it, about how to do it. And I actually had to learn a whole new
process because walking on an artificial leg isn’t exactly the same as walking
on a real one with muscles you can control.
It was this whole step-by-step thing I had to master, and it took me a
long time to get it down. For months, I
had to really concentrate on each step so that I wouldn’t lose my balance or
trip and fall. It’s a lot easier now,
and I don’t really have to think about it, but I’ll never take something as
“simple” as walking for granted again.
V: If you were to release another solo album,
what would you title it, and what do you think the feel of the songs would
be? Do you think your current situation
would play a role in it at all, or do you think it wouldn't change anything?
N: Hm, that’s a good question. Working on my first solo album was a great
experience for me, so I’d love to do some more solo work somewhere down the
line. If I did another album, what would
I title it? Haha, you’re putting me on
the spot here… how about "On the Right Foot"? Just kidding, heh. I actually don’t know. I’ll get back to you on that one.
I’ve always
been a rock fan, and my last album was more rock-oriented than the kind of
music I do with the Backstreet Boys, so I think that trend would continue if I
did another album – more rock, less pop.
And I’m sure my situation would play a role in the songs I wrote – then
I’d have good material for some angsty, angry rock songs, haha. I like to write songs that have to do with
feelings or experiences I’ve had, and I’ve been through such a life-changing
thing these last few years that I think it would be hard not to include some of
that in my music. But don’t worry, I’d
definitely still do some love songs and some more upbeat stuff too; I like
making feel-good music, not depressing everyone.
V: I know I asked before if any of your
relationships with your friends and whatnot have been strained, and you said
yes. I'm curious, as for your band
members - have they changed towards you at all on an individual basis? Do you feel that they worry too much about
you sometimes, or do they give you your space and let you feel things out? Do you feel you need to prove anything to
them?
N: What’s that one saying… “what doesn’t kill
you makes you stronger”? That’s kinda how
I think of my relationship with the fellas.
We’ve been a group since 1993, when I was only thirteen, so I’ve pretty
much grown up with those guys. They’re
like big brothers to me, and we really are like a family… always have
been. We’ve been through a ton of stuff
together, a lot of highs and lows. The
highs have been great bonding experiences for us, of course, but I think it’s
the lows that have really brought us closer together and strengthened our bonds
with each other. It’s not just my stuff,
you know – AJ’s rehab, Brian’s heart surgery in ’98, Howie losing his sister…
all of those tragedies hit us all hard and made us all stronger, not just as
individuals, but as a group. My
experience with cancer and everything was no different. Brian, Kevin, Howie, and AJ were there for me
through everything, and I think it really made us even closer. They made sacrifices to be there for me when
I needed my friends around me, and I really leaned on them when I was going
through the worst of it. Howie and AJ
even lived at my house with me for a few months after I lost my leg. We really were – and still are – like
brothers. They’re my family.
I’ve
always been the baby of the family, being the youngest in the group, so really,
the guys have always tended to worry about me a little more than they do each
other, most of the time. You know, Kev’s
like the ‘dad’ of the group, and he’s always been a little overprotective of
me, just cause he’s a lot older and a little too anal – haha, sorry Kev, if
this gets put in the interview. You know
I love you, bro. Anyways… yeah, I guess
you could say he and the other guys do worry about me a little too much
sometimes, but they also know I’m grown up and can take care of myself, so
they’ll give me my space when I need it.
I know it’s all out of love anyway, and I do need a kick in the butt
from them every now and then to keep me in line, so it’s all good.
In
some ways, I’ve been trying to prove myself to them ever since we started as a
group, just cause I’m the youngest and always had a lot to live up to. Once I got sick, I was constantly trying to
show them that I was still up to doing the stuff I used to do… singing
especially. We finished recording our
last album while I was on chemo, cause I was really stubborn about not wanting
to hold the group back on account of me.
I know the guys weren’t really in favor of that decision, but I wanted
to keep contributing to the group and pulling my weight, and I think they
realized that and let me make my own decision.
It was pretty much the same thing after I lost my leg; they wanted to
see me get through the rehab and get my life back, but at the same time, they
were always worried that I was pushing myself too hard, and I just wanted to
get back to “normal” as soon as I could and show them all that I could still be
a Backstreet Boy, still be Nick.
V: If you could describe yourself in five words
now, what words would you choose?
N: Humbled.
Unsure. Persevering. Strong.
Survivor.
V: What are the most important things to you
right now? Have these things changed since you were diagnosed, or are they
still the same pre cancer?
N: The most important things to me right now are
the people I love, my music, and my health.
I guess they’re the same things that have always been important to me,
but I know I took some of them for granted before I got sick. When you’re young and rich and famous, you
start to think you’re invincible. And
you know, I always tried to stay humble and not get an ego about all the
success I had as a Backstreet Boy, but I think, subconsciously, I felt like I
could do anything, and nothing was gonna bring me down. I felt like I was on top of the world, and
all I wanted to do was enjoy my success, have fun, go out and party, live it
up. I got pretty wild around the time I
went solo… and then, you know, not too long after my solo tour, I got hit with
cancer. And things did change. My priorities have changed; I know what’s
really important now, and partying isn’t.
Success is great, and I’m definitely grateful, but it’s not
everything. As long as I’m in good
health, surrounded by good people who want the best for me, and am making
music, I’m happy. That’s what’s most important
to me now.
V: Where do you see yourself ten years from now?
N: Well, first of all, I hope I’m here in ten
years, haha. God willing, I’ll still be
making music. Hopefully I’ll have
settled down with a woman I love. I
really do want to get married someday, when the time is right. Maybe have kids, if it’s in the cards. But no matter which way my life goes next –
and really, who knows? – I just hope that I’m happy and that I’m still able to
make other people happy.