Chapter 128
This empty space surrounds me
I’m out here to face it on my own
There’s no one left around me
To turn to I know
Through the good and bad
Ups and downs
And here I stand before you
Looking for something that I once had
- “Free From
Within” by Howie Dorough
The first sign that an unannounced trip
to visit Claire had not been a good idea was the narrow flight of stairs that
glared forebodingly at Nick the moment he set foot inside her apartment
building.
“Oh, shit,” he groaned, remembering
that Claire lived on the second floor, and as there were only three stories in
the old building, there was no elevator.
That meant he was going to have to navigate the stairs. Alone.
He sighed, surveying the staircase in
intimidation. Stairs were still a
problem. He had only gone upstairs in
his own house but a few times since the amputation, and that was with the help
of his prosthesis and a pair of
crutches. Small sets of steps were okay,
but the thought of trying to get up and down a full flight of stairs made him
uneasy. Still, he had come this far; he
wasn’t about to turn back now. So he
sucked in a breath and made his way to the staircase. Gripping the banister with his left hand and
plastering his right hand to the wall, he started slowly upward, concentrating
hard on his every movement to keep from catching his foot on a step and
falling.
When he finally reached the top, he let
out a shaky breath of relief and continued down the hallway, glad to be back on
level ground. He stopped at the door he
knew was Claire’s. Clearing his throat
and straightening himself, he rapped lightly on the door. There was no answer at first, but, leaning
forward, he could make out faint scuffling noises from inside the apartment and
knew she had to be home. So he waited.
A few moments later, the door swung
open halfway, and Claire appeared from behind it. “Nick!” she exclaimed in surprise. “What are you doing here?”
“Hey,” he said with a smile. “I, uh… well, I was just passing through and
thought I’d stop- well, no, not
really. I actually just… uh… well, did
you see what was on TV?”
She was staring at him with an odd
expression on her face, and he felt his face turning red with
embarrassment. Why did he have to stammer and carry on like such an idiot? And in front of Claire, of all people? She never made him nervous like this; what
was the deal?
“On TV?” she repeated. “No, what?”
He shifted his weight awkwardly,
uncomfortably aware of the dopey smile creeping across his face and the fact
that the plastic bag holding the ice cream he had purchased was slowly cutting
off the circulation in his fingers as he twisted the handles round and
round. “ET,” he said. “I saw it on,
and it… well, it reminded me of that one time when I came over, and we watched
it, and...” He shrugged, trailing off,
and thrust out the Kroger bag. “Look, I
brought ice cream.”
She took the bag and held it as if she
didn’t quite know what to do with it, glancing from the carton of ice cream
inside up to Nick’s face, her mouth slightly open, her cheeks tinged pink.
“Do you not like that kind?” Nick asked
stupidly. But soon enough, he realized
what the problem was. For the door now
creaked open the rest of the way, and behind her appeared another person.
A guy.
“Hi there,” he greeted Nick in a deep
voice, and Claire jumped and spun around, startled.
“Oh, Tim, I didn’t know you’d come up
behind me!” she exclaimed.
Nick stared at the two of them in
disbelief, wondering who in the hell this guy was and what he was doing in
Claire’s apartment on a Friday night.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had company,” he spoke loudly, causing
Claire to turn back around to face him.
“I, uh… I guess I should have called first?”
“No, um… it’s okay,” Claire said,
though she looked just as awkward as Nick felt.
“Uh, Nick, this is Tim. He works
with me. And Tim, this is my friend
Nick.”
“Nice to meet you,” said Tim, reaching
out from behind Claire to shake Nick’s hand.
Nick forced himself to shake hands and studied Tim warily. He was tall, about Nick’s height, and trim,
clearly in shape. There was something
about him that made Nick immediately dislike him. Maybe it was his looks – he was handsome,
with thick, brown hair, hazel eyes, a stubbly goatee, and glasses. Maybe it was the way he was dressed, casually
nice, in a polo shirt and pressed pair of Dockers. Or maybe it was the way he was standing
behind Claire with his hands resting lightly on her shoulders.
Still, knowing he had to be polite,
Nick forced a brief smile onto his face and muttered, “Nice meeting you
too.” An strained silence followed, and
Nick quickly realized that although Claire would never say it, he was not
welcome there. He took a step back,
saying, “Well, I should get going.”
“I’ll walk you out,” Claire said,
giving him a meaningful look. “Wait
here, Tim, I’ll be back up in a few minutes, okay?”
“Sure, C,” replied Tim sportingly,
retreating back into the apartment.
Claire stepped out and closed the door behind her.
“He calls you C ?” Nick asked, eyebrows raised.
“Yeah, so? My name starts with a C, doesn’t it?” Nick just scowled, rolling his eyes when she
wasn’t looking. “Come on,” Claire said
softly, putting her hand on his back and urging him forward. He held his words back until they had made it
a few feet down the hall, and then he rounded on her.
“Who is that guy?” he demanded,
probably more harshly than he had intended to, for Claire’s eyes immediately
darkened.
“I told you, we work together,” she
replied. “He’s the new dentist they
hired to go into practice with Dr. Somers; remember me telling you I got my
hours cut because of the new-“
“Yeah, yeah, I remember,” Nick
interrupted quickly, “but what’s he doing here?
Are you seeing him?”
Claire put her hands on her hips and
gazed up at him coolly. “So what if I
am?”
“Are
you?” Nick’s voice rose.
She answered without hesitation. “Yes.”
Nick’s heart sunk. He felt deflated, like a balloon that the air
had just been let out of. For a brief
few seconds, the world seemed to spin in a crazy whirlwind as he digested what
she had just told him, and then it hit him – Claire was going out with another
man. She had a boyfriend, and it wasn’t
him. Inside, he slumped dejectedly, but
on the outside, he kept himself standing up straight, his shoulder squared,
refusing to let her see how that one “yes” was affecting him.
“Since when?” he asked, trying hard to
keep the spite out of his voice.
“I dunno,” Claire shrugged, looking
fully unapologetic. “About a month, I
guess.”
Nick went back a month in his mind and
realized the truth. A month ago, he had
pushed her away from him. And in doing
so, he had surrendered her to this Tim, who had probably jumped at the chance
to snatch her up and make her his. So it
was really all his own fault, but still, he felt hurt and betrayed, like Claire
had been unfaithful to him. But even
then, he could see how stupid this was.
He and Claire weren’t together and never had been. Okay, so they had kissed once, but it was
just that. A kiss. It didn’t hold them
to anything, didn’t bind them to any contract stating they had to hook up. Maybe once he had had a chance with her, but
he had thrown it away, and she had every right to be with another man.
He realized all this, but that didn’t stop
him from being angry. Angry and
jealous. There were several things he
wanted to say to her right then, but he held his tongue and instead said
nothing.
“I’m sorry you drove all the way out
here,” said Claire, and this time she really did look sorry. “Tell you what, why don’t you keep that ice
cream for tomorrow night, and you can come back over then, and we’ll rent ET.
How does that sound?”
Nick shook his head. “Nah, you keep the ice cream. It’s probably starting to melt already
anyway.”
“Well, what about tomorrow night?”
Nick hesitated, his words dying on his
tongue. Finally, he replied, “You mean
you’re not doing something with Tim
tomorrow?”
Her eyes narrowed. “No,” she said slowly, “I’m hanging out with
Tim tonight, but I’ll be free to hang out with you tomorrow if you want to.”
He shrugged. “Maybe,” was his noncommittal response. She was missing the point. He hadn’t come over here just to watch ET; he had come over to tell her…
But it didn’t matter anymore. She was with someone else now; any chance
he’d had with her was gone.
“I gotta go,” he muttered, turning for
the stairs.
“Okay,” she said softly. “Uh, will you be okay going down all those
stairs alone?”
“I made it up ‘em, didn’t I?” Nick
growled.
“Good point. Well then, I’ll hopefully talk to you
tomorrow,” Claire said quickly.
“Goodnight, Nick.”
Nick didn’t reply, but started
dolefully down the stairs, conscious of the fact that she stood at the top the
entire time, watching in case he fell.
For a brief moment, he considered “tripping” and tumbling down a few to
get her attention, but he quickly decided that falling down the stairs would
only make him look like an even bigger loser.
He made it safely to the bottom and
craned his neck, looking back to see if she was still there at the top. But she had already gone.
With a sigh, he walked outside. The sun was close to setting, and the world
was bathed in its dying golden rays. Yet
shadows danced in the dimming light, and to Nick, it seemed a veneer of
darkness had fallen permanently over his life, banishing him to a world of
desolation and gloom. Suddenly, he felt
very alone.
Leah didn’t need him anymore; she had
David. Claire didn’t need him either;
she was with Tim.
And Nick couldn’t help but think, who will ever be with me?
***