Chapter 149
AN:
Special thanks to Kaz for her idea!
Oblivion was dark, but all of a sudden, there was light. A bright, white light.
It overcame Nick; he could not take his eyes off of it.
And then, all at once, it was gone, pitching him into darkness
again.
I am lost in
the darkness
Between two
worlds, and here I’m struggling
And then he heard a voice.
“Pupils are equal and reactive to light.” It was a woman. “That’s a good sign.”
“How long before he wakes up, Dr. Johansson?” The second voice was male and very, very
familiar. Brian?
“Hard to say. He could be
coming around in another half hour to an hour, but it could take longer. Every patient reacts to anesthesia
differently. Either way, we’ll have to
keep him sedated for awhile so that he doesn’t fight the vent, so he’ll be
pretty out of it. Go ahead and sit with
him for awhile though, and touch him. It
helps the healing process.”
He felt a small hand take his and heard a soft sigh. “God, it feels so good just to hold his hand
again.” Realization dawned on him as he
processed the female voice. That was
Claire…
You’re the
light that I’ve been seeking
Cause my
whole life, there’s been something missing
“I was so scared,” she said.
“We all were. I still
am. It’s so hard to see him like
this. I mean, to think not even two days
ago, he was on stage, singing his heart out.
And now…” He trailed off.
“I know. Isn’t it scary to
think how quickly your whole life can change?
All it takes is a few seconds… a few words… and suddenly, everything’s
different.”
“Don’t I know it.”
There was a long silence then; he could feel Claire playing with
his hand, weaving her fingers through his, her thumb gently caressing the back
of his hand.
Only you can
make me whole
Just one
touch, and you complete me
He tried to squeeze her hand, but his fingers felt like they were
made of jell-o and didn’t want to move.
He tried to open his eyes; but they felt as if they’d been glued
shut. He couldn’t move; he couldn’t
speak. He could only listen.
Rescue me
from this black whole
That sucked
me in and left me dying
All of a sudden, she broke the silence. “Bri, have you ever said anything out of
haste… something you’re not sure you really meant, but you just said it
because… because it felt right?”
There was a pause, and then Brian’s voice replied, “Sure, I guess
so. Why do you ask?”
“Well, I…” She
hesitated. “He can’t hear me, can he?”
“I don’t think so… I think the anesthesia pretty much knocks out
all your senses. I don’t remember
hearing a thing while I was under for my heart surgery.”
“Good… because… well… God, I dunno, I’m so confused.”
“Why? What happened? Who said what?”
“Well, he said it first,” she said with a sigh. “He said… he told me he loved me. When I first got here. And I said it back.”
“… And?”
“Well… I don’t know. I-I
don’t know if he meant it… I don’t know if I
meant it. I think that maybe we both
just said it because… because we were scared.
But once he’s out of the woods, and the fear is gone… what’s left? How are those three words going to change our
friendship?”
“Why don’t you think he meant it?” was Brian’s question.
She snorted. “I don’t know
what to think, honestly. He has me so
confused. It’s like this game of hot and
cold with him; one minute he’s acting like he’s interested in me, and the next,
he wants nothing to do with me. So I
can’t help but think that when he said ‘I love you,’ he was just scared, you
know? And when he wakes up, maybe he
won’t feel that way… and then what? I
can’t keep playing this game with him.
It’s already hurt our friendship, and… well, I don’t want to lose that
with him. The friendship.”
“But what about you? Do you
love him?”
Another long pause. Her
thumb stopped stroking his hand. Finally,
she said, “I don’t know. I-I think I do…
but I sort of wish I didn’t. Then it
would be easy to just be his friend, nothing more, nothing less.”
“But if you knew that he loved you too, it would be different,
right?”
“I guess… but how do I know he really does?”
“He does, Claire,” Brian said quietly. “Look, I’m his best friend. We’ve been like brothers for over eleven
years now; I know him like the back of my hand.
He loves you.”
“Does he?” Her voice sounded strained.
“Yes. I know he does. He told me some things the day of the
concert… stuff that you don’t know.”
You’re the
truth that I’ve been seeking
Cause my
whole life, I’ve been lying
“Like what?”
“Like over the summer, when he pushed you away… whatever he said
to you then, Claire, he didn’t mean. He
lied. He felt bad because he thought he
was tying you down, with him being so sick and everything, and he didn’t want
to do that anymore. He didn’t want to
hold you back from living your life. I
know he went about it in the wrong way… but don’t you think that’s a sign of
someone who cares?”
“Really?” her voice rose.
“Really. Nick is hard to
figure out sometimes; we all know that.
And he may be my best friend, but let’s be honest – Nick is a gullible,
naïve idiot when it comes to women. I don’t know what it is… maybe being within
ten feet of the opposite sex scrambles his brain or something, but he just
can’t see things coming. He can’t tell
when someone like Mandy or Leah is manipulating him; he can’t tell what’s right
to do around women that he truly cares about.
And I gotta say, sometimes he’s very selfish… or at least he used to
be. But this… all of this… it’s changed
him. Claire, you’ve changed him. I know
that he must have really hurt you, but you have to understand, he was really
just trying to help you. He was putting you first, above himself. He wanted you
to be happy, even at the cost of his own happiness. And trust me, he was unhappy without
you. Ask AJ or Howie; they can tell you
even better than I can.”
Only you can
make me whole
Just one
touch, and you complete me
The grip on his hand tightened, and he heard her sniff. “God, he’s so stupid,” she whimpered. She was crying again; he could hear it in her
voice. “So stupid…. When he comes out of this, I’ll have to teach
him a thing or two about women.”
Brian chuckled softly. “You
do that. Teach him. And love him.”
“I will,” she whispered. “I
do love him. I do.”
And Nick loved her too. He
could not tell her or show her now… and by the time he fully came out of the
anesthesia, he would have forgotten completely the conversation that had taken
place while he was still unconscious.
But he would still love her. And
she would love him. He would never have
to know of her doubt.
Lyrics: “You
Complete Me” by Stabbing Westward
***
Nick woke up feeling as if he’d just run a marathon…
In subzero weather…
And then been run over by a tank shortly after crossing the finish
line.
Not a pleasant feeling.
He was groggy and disoriented, as if he’d been woken up suddenly
from a very deep sleep, but he definitely didn’t feel rested. He was exhausted, his chest and entire left
side hurt, and on top of all that, he was freezing cold. He looked around, wondering, first, where he
was and, second, where everyone else was.
One quick survey of his surroundings, and his first question was
answered. Hospital. He’d just had surgery. And apparently he’d survived because there
was no way he could be in this much discomfort if he were dead.
His second question was answered when a woman in her mid thirties
appeared beside his bed. “Hi, Mr.
Carter,” she smiled down at him. “It’s
good to have you awake. My name is
Renee, and I’m a nurse. Do you feel all
right? Any pain?”
He nodded slightly to her last question, aware that there was
still a tube down his throat, and that he could not talk.
“I’ll up your pain meds,” she said, adjusting something on one of
his IV’s. “There, that should help. Can I get you anything else? Another blanket maybe?”
Nurses rocked. If he’d been
able to smile, he would have. He settled
on another nod of his head, and she said, “I thought so. I’ll be right back.” She left his bedside briefly and returned
with a blanket. She draped it over his
body, expertly smoothing out the wrinkles and tucking it in around him. “There we go,” she said. “Your friends have been in and out. Would you like me to go see if they’re still
here?”
He nodded again and waited while Renee went off to find the guys
and Claire. He struggled to stay awake,
but his eyelids felt heavy, and it was tempting to just let them fall and go
back to sleep. But before he could drift
off all the way, they were there, surrounding his bed.
“Hey, Nicky,” Howie said with a gentle smile. “It’s good to have you awake.”
“I know you’re probably tired though, man, so we won’t keep you
up,” added Brian sympathetically. “We
just wanted to pop in and say hey and see how you were doin’.”
He was grateful, but even in his hazy state of disorientation, he
couldn’t help but wonder about the surgery itself. Had it been a success? Had they taken out the tumor?
His eyes panned across their faces, trying to read the expressions
there. Nothing. No one was telling him a thing, and he could
not ask them. But then he caught
Claire’s eye. He let his eyes bore into
hers, silently questioning her.
“They got it, Nick,” she spoke up.
“They got the tumor.”
Thank God.
Kevin nodded. “Yeah, we
talked to your surgeon, and she said they were able to remove the whole
thing. So rest up,” he said with a smile
and patted Nick’s right shoulder.
“You’re gonna be alright.”
Nick nodded slightly and let his heavy eyelids slowly close. Within a minute or two, he had slipped back
into a deep, dreamless sleep.
***
By the following day, Nick was much more lucid. He was on a steady flow of pain medication,
which he knew was keeping him from feeling the full effect of the surgery
(thank God), and that gave him a lethargic, floaty feeling, but he was
definitely more with it than he had been in the recovery room. He had now been moved to a cubicle in ICU,
and it was here that he was able to evaluate his own condition.
The breathing tube had been taken out, but there was still a tube
coming out of the left side of his chest that was draining fluid, according to
Dr. Johansson, who had stopped by that morning to check on him. Dr. Kingsbury had come as well, and she had
confirmed what Claire and Kevin had told him yesterday – Dr. Johansson and her
team had managed to take out the entire growth.
“They sent part of the tumor to the lab for biopsy, and the
results came back this morning. It was
just like I suspected – the cells were Ewing’s sarcoma cells,” Dr. Kingsbury
had explained grimly. “But the good
thing is, they’re gone now. And while
you were under anesthesia, a sample of your bone marrow was taken too for
testing, and that test came out negative.
Your bone marrow’s still clear; no spreading there. Your liver function test is normal too, so it
looks like the cancer hadn’t spread anywhere other than your lungs yet.”
Nick had wanted to ask if this meant he was cured, but he knew
better. Every time he asked that
question, Dr. Kingsbury replied that they didn’t call anyone “cured” until they
had been cancer-free for five years. And
just when he thought he was on his way to reaching that point, it came back to
slap him in the face. So he didn’t ask.
Dr. Kingsbury had seemed to sense the question though because she
went on, “So right now, I think it’s safe to say you’re back in remission. But after you’re discharged in another week
or so, I would like to see you back here for regular check-ups – every three
months. And I mean every three months.” She
gave Nick a look, and he smiled guiltily.
“Gotcha,” he rasped, his voice hoarse from the breathing
tube. “Every three months.” And he
meant it. He knew he was damn lucky that
they had been able to remove the tumor from his lung, and he was filled with
new resolve, ready to heal and go on with his life.
Starting the first day after surgery, a respiratory therapist
named Veronica came regularly to give him breathing treatments and show him
techniques that were supposed to make him breathe easier. It hurt to take a deep breath, but as
Veronica said, “If you don’t, you could develop pneumonia, and you don’t want
that to happen.” No, he definitely
didn’t want to get pneumonia again, so he made himself follow her instructions.
Kevin and Brian were both sticklers about the breathing exercises,
making sure that he did them when he was supposed to. Brian had gone through the same sort of thing
after his heart surgery, so he knew the drill.
And Kevin… well, Kevin was just Kevin.
In the meantime, Howie was always there when he needed some compassion,
and AJ and Claire kept him laughing (or trying not to laugh, since laughing hurt too). The five of them visited regularly, coming
and going in shifts so that someone was always there with him, just like when
he’d been in the hospital following the amputation. The guys would come two at a time, and Claire
usually came alone, after she got off work.
More than anything or anyone else, it was Claire who unknowingly
gave him the drive to get better. He
knew he had another long recovery ahead of him, but once that was past him, he
could look forward to a future with her.
How long of a future, he did not know.
Who knew what fate had in store for the two of them. What he did know was that something had to happen. He loved her, and she loved him back. Something would have to come out of
that. Maybe it would last, and maybe it
wouldn’t, but either way, they had to try.
Neither of them had spoken about it yet though. Nick knew it was just not the right
time. He was anything but an expert on
love and relationships, but even he knew it was not exactly romantic to ask a
woman to be your girlfriend from your hospital bed in the middle of ICU. For now, they would stay at “friends” status. The next step would come later, when the time
was right. He just hoped that she was
willing to wait for that time to come.
That she was willing to wait for him.
I
dream someday we’ll be able
To
look back on this together and say
It
was for the best and that it
Made
us stronger today, stronger today
There’s
much more for us to see
A
brand new day for you and me
And
with confidence I say
We’re
better than ever
And
I don’t know where this will lead
But
in my life you need to be
Cause
I need to say hello again
I’m
so afraid that if I wait too long
You’ll
never look in my eyes again
With
a look that gave me strength
And
gave me hope and made me feel I’ve inspired
There’s
much more for us to see
A
brand new day for you and me
And
with confidence I say
We’re
better than ever
And
I don’t know where this will lead
But
in my life you need to be
Cause
I need to say hello again
- “Hello
Again” by Hoobastank
***