Brian’s eyes,
light blue orbs of shock and fear, flitted back and forth, searching Nick’s
face for any sign that this was just another of his infamous practical
jokes. But there was not even a hint of Nick’s
devilish grin, and it only took seconds for reality to sink in. Nick could almost see it happening, the
realization dawning on Brian. He waited
for Brian to speak, and finally, he did.
“What… what
kind of cancer?” His voice was almost
whisper-soft, and Nick had to strain his ears to make out his best friend’s
words.
“Ewing’s
Sarcoma,” he replied. “It’s a kind of
bone cancer.”
Brian’s gaze
sharpened, his forehead furrowing as he stared at Nick. Then, slowly, his eyes fell upon Nick’s leg,
then snapped back up to his face. “You
mean… your leg… it wasn’t…”
“Wasn’t just a
stress fracture,” Nick finished guiltily.
“No, it was a fracture all right, but it wasn’t caused by overuse. Cancer’s been eating away at my bone.”
Brian drew in
a breath. “Nick… how long have you known?” His tone was not accusing, only shocked and
sorry.
Nick averted
his gaze and mumbled, “Couple months.”
“A couple months? Nick!
H-how could you not tell us?!” Brian’s voice jumped an octave, and the
pained look in his eyes hurt Nick even more than his words.
“I’m sorry,”
he whispered, staring at his feet. He
had been a head taller than Brian for years, but now, suddenly, he felt much,
much smaller. “I know I should have told
you, and I wanted to… but then I didn’t.
I kept it from you as long as I did because… because I didn’t want you
to treat me differently. I didn’t want
you to feel sorry for me and get all anal and overprotective of me and all
that.”
“Oh, Nick…”
His head hung,
eyes on the floor, Nick expected Brian to continue, to say something like, “We
would never treat you any differently,” but he didn’t. There was a long pause, and just as Nick
started to raise his head, a pair of arms gently enveloped him.
Swallowing the
lump that had risen in his throat, Nick smiled sadly and wordlessly returned
the hug.
***
Nick was lying
in bed when the knock sounded on his door.
He took a deep breath and climbed off of the bed. Slowly, hesitantly, he walked to the door,
his palms sweating, his heart thumping against his ribs.
Brian had left
half an hour earlier to pick up the others at the restaurant. “Will you tell them for me?” Nick had begged
him.
“Yeah,” Brian
had relented glumly. “I’ll tell them.”
Now they were back,
and Nick knew that, like it or not, he was going to have to face them. Swallowing hard, he opened the door. And there they were, all four of them,
looking lost.
“Come on in,
guys,” Nick mumbled, standing back and opening the door further to let them in.
Brian stepped
inside the suite first, meeting Nick’s eyes as he did so. Nick blinked and looked away; the grave
expression clouding those blue eyes was too much for him to bear.
Kevin, Howie,
and finally, AJ followed Brian in. They
sat down silently, their expressions grim.
Nick figured Kevin would say something first, but surprisingly, it was
AJ who started the conversation.
“Nick… please
tell me this is some fucked up prank you and Brian cooked up,” he blurted, his
voice angry, yet pleading, his eyes boring into Nick’s.
Nick wished he
could tell his friend anything other than the truth. But he could not. Hanging his head, he replied softly, “It’s
not a prank. I have cancer.” Glancing up, he saw AJ recoil as if he had
been slapped, a look of anguish twisting his features.
“Nicky, we
want you to know that you don’t have to go through this alone anymore,” Howie
spoke up, his voice sounding strained.
“We’re here for you, and we’ll do whatever we can to help you through
this.”
Nick nodded and
tried to smile in gratitude. “Thanks,
guys,” he said, knowing they were only trying to be caring and supportive.
“So, Nick,”
said Brian, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. “Um… I take it your family doesn’t know about
this either, do they?”
Nick shook his
head and stated flatly, “My mom’s a psychotic bitch.”
AJ snorted,
but a warning look from Kevin made him stifle his laughter. Seeing this silent exchange, a lump rose in
Nick’s throat. This was exactly why he
hadn’t wanted them to know. No one could
act normally now that something so abnormal was in their midst. There would be no more laughing, joking,
roughhousing. Conversations would be
solemn and strained; long silences would become frequent. No one would go for long without remembering
that Nick had cancer. Poor Nick, poor
little Nick…
“You can still
laugh, you know,” Nick muttered, rolling his eyes. But AJ didn’t start laughing again. Instead, he exchanged wary glances with the
others and focused his attention on his lap.
Nick sighed. “Or don’t. Whatever.”
“Nicky… talk
to us,” said Howie, leaning towards Nick, his expressive brown eyes locked on
Nick’s face. “We all want to know
exactly what is going on… when Brian told us you ha-… well, when he told us… he
was clueless. We’re all kind of still in
the dark about this right now. I mean…
if you don’t mind my asking… how… how bad is this? And how are they treating you? And…”
Howie trailed off, shrugging.
Nick took a
deep breath and steepled his hands in his lap.
“Okay,” he sighed. “Here’s the
deal. I have Ewing’s Sarcoma, bone
cancer. It’s in my left leg, in my shin
bone. But that’s the only place – it
hasn’t spread yet, which is good.”
“Thank God,”
breathed Brian.
“As far as
treatment goes,” Nick continued, “I’m on chemo at the moment.” A sharp intake of breath from the others made
him smirk. “Yeah, chemo… it’s a
bitch.” With a sigh, he reached up,
carefully sorted out a thin lock of hair, and gave it a yank. He was met with some resistance, but not
much; the hair slipped out of his scalp and ended up loose between his
fingertips. Grimacing, he held the
tendril of blonde hair up and gave it a careless toss, the wispy locks flying
from his fingers and floating to the floor.
“God… your
hair…” AJ shook his head regretfully as
he watched the thin strands touch the carpet.
“Told you it
was a bitch. On top of that, I’ve been
puking my guts out on a weekly basis.
Because of chemo. Not because I’m
bulimic.” Glancing over at Brian, he saw
his friend’s face blanch in guilt. The
others squirmed uncomfortably, and Nick realized they had probably all been
suspecting the same thing. He shook his
head in annoyance, then realized it was all his own damn fault for deceiving
them.
“Anyway,” he
went on, “this is how I get the chemo.”
Swallowing, he grabbed the collar of his t-shirt and stretched it down
far enough to expose the small tube protruding from his skin, just beneath his
collarbone. A collective gasp sounded,
but Nick ignored it, rather enjoying freaking them out, and proceeded to finger
the narrow IV line attached to the catheter tube, explaining, “This line
connects to a chemo pump.” Letting go of
his collar, he lifted the bottom of his shirt to show the little black pouch
that the IV line disappeared into.
There was a
long silence, and then AJ burst out, “Oh my God… how in the hell did we not
know about this?!”
Nick
smirked. “Guess I’m a good actor.”
“Nick-“ AJ’s
voice was tinged with annoyance. “You
shouldn’t have to act around us.
Why didn’t you just tell us as soon as you found out?”
Nick shrugged,
looking away. “I just didn’t want things
to be different between us,” he murmured.
“I didn’t want you guys to start acting all weird around me… and… and
feel sorry for me.”
“Then we
won’t,” AJ said firmly. “But please,
Nick… don’t hide shit from us like this.
We’re friends… brothers, actually… and we need each other. I… I know how much I needed you guys when I
was going through rehab, and you were there for me. Now you need us. Please, let us be there for you. I know that I don’t know firsthand what it’s
like to have cancer… but I know what it’s like to try to go through shit
alone. It sucks, man. I know; I’ve been there. Don’t try to deal with this yourself
anymore. You need help, you need support…
isn’t that right, Kevin? You would know
– didn’t your dad need his family when he… Kev?”
As AJ trailed
off, Nick looked up and followed his gaze over to Kevin, who, he suddenly
realized, had not said a word the whole time they had been sitting there. Now, studying the slumped figure, he was
shocked to see tears brimming in the older man’s jade eyes.
“Kevin?”
***