I took a Print Journalism class
during my senior year of high school, which automatically put me on the school
newspaper staff. I was an editor for the
paper, but as a part of the journalism class, I also had to write various types
of articles. One kind of article that
everyone had to do was a satire/parody.
I decided to write a satirical review of one of my old favorite movies,
left over from my Leo DiCaprio phase, Critters 3…
3 Times the Terror; 3 Times the Brilliance
With movies such as Signs and Star Wars
Episode II: Attack of the Clones having come out this past year, one thing
is clear: aliens are in. I saw both of
those movies, and yeah, they were all right.
But neither compares to the greatest science-fiction film of our time… Critters
3.
Critters 3, the third installment in the epic saga
of humans battling man-eating aliens (a.k.a. “critters”), is a cinematic
masterpiece. Director Kristy Peterson,
whose other classic productions include Tremors, Nightmare on Elm
Street 5, and the made-for-TV movie Kickboxer
5, should be commended for her work on this spectacular film.
Released in 1991, Critters 3 tells the
harrowing tale of residents of a dilapidated Los Angeles apartment complex
fighting for their lives against the terrifying title creatures, who return to
Earth yet again to feed on the flesh of humans and instill fear in the hearts
of moviegoers everywhere.
Writers Rupert Harvey and Barry Opper, who produced the other acclaimed Critters
films, returned to work on Critters 3 and created its ingenious
screenplay. This picture is truly an
original. Why, what other movie revolves
around small menacing aliens (*cough*Gremlins*cough*) or a group of
people being chased up a tall building (*cough*The Towering Inferno*cough*)?
Then, of course, there are the characters. Critters 3 features an array of well-written,
beautifully portrayed, non-stereotypical individuals. First, there is Annie, the young teenage
heroine, who is struggling with the recent death of her mother, the
responsibility of caring for her younger brother while their dysfunctional
father sleeps in his La-Z-Boy, and the bad fashion sense that plagued the early
90’s. It is a crime that veteran soap
opera and made-for-TV movie actress Aimee Brooks did not receive an Oscar for
her spectacular interpretation of this complex character. A young Leonardo DiCaprio, in his first
feature film, plays Josh Briggs, a youngster struggling to meet the approval of
his authoritarian stepfather, while getting in touch with his softer side as he
takes part in a budding romance with Annie. DiCaprio moves the audience with
heartrending lines like “I hate you! I
wish you were dead!” while throwing in the occasional witty comment, such as
“Send my regards to Mars,” which had me rolling on the floor in hysterics. But the real comic relief comes from the
spunky telephone company employee, Marcia, and the hair roller and
slipper-bearing obese woman, Rosalie.
And let’s not forget Frank, the leather-clad “bad boy.” Possibly one of the most multifaceted
characters in the film, Frank seems callous and spiteful on the outside, but is
really just misunderstood. Finally,
there is Mario, the Mexican, played by Jose Luis Valansuela,
who… doesn’t really have a purpose.
The real stars of Critters 3 are the
“critters” themselves. Small, round,
furry creatures with rows and rows of razor-sharp teeth and venomous darts that
shoot out of their backs, these aliens are so frightening, they will haunt your
nightmares for years to come. (That’s what happened to me, anyway.) Remember Furbies,
the psychotically popular children’s toy of the late 90’s? Imagine one coming to life, turning evil, and
trying to eat you - the critters are like that, but even scarier. The special effects are out of this world –
just like the critters. The aliens are
so lifelike that one would never know they were only puppets and not digitally
animated. They have their own language,
too - a series of growls and grunts that represent words, which are translated
for the audience through subtitles. Pure
genius.
Critters 3 is the best sci-fi/horror
flick ever created. No, I take that
back. It is not just the best sci-fi/horror movie, but the best movie in general. No other cinematic feature will ever come
close to the work of brilliance that is Critters 3. Except maybe Critters 4…
***
