Cary
“Cary! Holy hell, is that really you?”
I laughed
at the tone of my best friend Jessica’s voice.
“Yeah, it’s really me,” I replied, pressing the phone closer to my
ear. “Sorry, I’ve been meaning to call
you, but it’s just been crazy here, and our schedules are totally opposite…”
“Oh, do not even go there. You lucky bitch, sleeping all day and
partying all night, while I reenact Office
Space in my cubicle from nine to five every day. So
not fair,” Jessica sniffed, but I knew she was only kidding. She had the perfect yuppie life: six-figure income, handsome hubby, beautiful
daughter, and a brand new McMansion in the suburbs. She had no reason to be jealous of me.
“Trust me,
it’s not quite as glamorous as it sounds,” I said, and wasn’t that the
truth? If she even had half a clue as to
what I’d really been doing when I wasn’t onstage… “It’s not like I’m touring with The Rolling
Stones or something.”
“I dunno; I
think there’s plenty of girlies out there who would much rather tour with the
Backstreet Boys than the Stones. Have
you gotten in Nick Carter’s pants yet?”
Funny she should ask that, I thought with a
wry smile, glancing toward the back of the bus, where Nick was in his bunk,
playing one of his video games. “It’s
not like that,” I told Jess. “We’re…
friends.”
“Friends
with benefits?” she sing-songed knowingly.
I guess my hesitation was enough to reveal that there was more going on
between us than friendship. She just
didn’t know what it was. It was the same
conclusion all the guys had jumped to, and Nick and I had just been playing
along. I wished I could tell her the
truth, but Nick had sworn me to secrecy.
I wouldn’t break his trust.
“So, how’s
everything been with you? How’s the
family?” I asked, ignoring her last question.
“Oh, you
can try to change the subject, Cary, but just you wait till I see you in person
next week. I’ll get you to spill,” she
said, snickering. “Things are fine here
– same old, same old. You haven’t been
missing out on much.”
“I can’t
wait to get home,” I replied eagerly.
“It’s been awesome seeing the country, but I’ve been living out of a
suitcase for a solid month. It’ll be
nice to sleep in my own bed for a night – and see you, of course!”
I was
counting down the days till we made it to Illinois. Three more days, two more shows, and we’d be
there. We had a day off before the show
in Highland Park on Thursday, and I was going to use it to drive down to
Decatur, where I’d grown up, and surprise my dad. He and Jess would be coming back with me the
next day to see the show. I couldn’t
wait. I missed my dad, and I missed my
friends. I missed Hambelina. I missed my apartment and my bed and my
closet, where I could actually hang up my clothes and spread out my shoes.
“Aww, I
can’t wait to see you, either!” said Jess.
“I got Thursday off to go to the show, and Dan’s on babysitting duty, so
I’m home free. Just let me know what
your schedule looks like so we can make some plans.”
We talked
awhile longer and figured out our game plan for Thursday. By the time I got off the phone, I’d killed
off half an hour, and it was almost time to get ready for soundcheck. We were in West Long Branch, New Jersey that
night, to perform at the concert venue at Monmouth University. From what I’d seen, walking around campus a
little that morning, it reminded me of my alma mater, Millikin. That made me even more homesick. Three
days, I reminded myself. After
tonight’s show, we were driving up to Connecticut, and then, finally, we’d
leave the east coast and head to the Midwest.
We had an
easy week ahead, as far as our tour schedule went – no more than two shows in a
row, with days off in between to travel.
As nice as that was, I gladly would have swapped it with the following
week, when we six shows with only one day off in the middle. If his blood counts stayed up, Nick was
supposed to be starting his next cycle of chemo next weekend – right when the
schedule got crazy again. I felt bad
because he was finally starting to feel good again.
“Hey,
Nick!” I called back to the bunks. “It’s
almost time to go. You wanna do your
shot first?”
He didn’t
answer, but I heard movement in the back of the bus, and within a few seconds,
he’d made his way up to the front. I
gave him a quick once-over; even in a plain white t-shirt and gray sweats, he
looked a lot better than he had the week before. There was more color in his cheeks and less
shadow under his eyes. His tonsils had
gone back to their usual size, and the mucositis had cleared up, too. We wouldn’t hear the results of his latest
bloodwork until at least tomorrow, but I had no doubt that the numbers would be
better. I could tell just in how he was
feeling – less tired, more like his fun-loving old self. It was just too bad it wouldn’t last. Next week, he’d be suffering the effects of
the chemo again.
“Aight,
let’s do this,” said Nick. He dropped
his sweatpants and plopped down onto the couch next to me. I snuck a peek at his boxer briefs and
smirked to myself, remembering Jess asking me, “Have you gotten in Nick Carter’s pants yet?”
Well,
technically, yes. I’d alternated arms
for the first few days of the G-CSF injections, but both his arms were starting
to get sore from the repeated needle sticks, so we’d switched to legs. “Just a sec,” I said, going over to the kitchen
area to wash my hands and get one of the pre-filled syringes out of the fridge.
I had the
syringe in my hand when I heard a familiar, raspy voice yell, “Hey, Carter, you
‘bout ready?” It startled me so much, I
dropped the syringe, which clattered to the floor and rolled, right up to a
pair of brown, cow print sneakers. I
stared up in horror at AJ, who stooped down to pick up the syringe. He gave me a searching look, frowning as he
rolled it carefully between his fingers.
Before he
could get a close look at the label, I snatched it out of his hand. “Thanks!” I said brightly, my voice unusually
high-pitched. Being a nurse has its
advantages; I know how to stay reasonably calm under pressure, and I’m used to
thinking on my feet. The lie came to me
quickly. “Insulin injection,” I added,
waving the syringe as casually as I could, though I could feel myself shaking
on the inside. “I have to give them to
myself twice a day; I’m a diabetic.”
“Oh!” He was still frowning, but I could see the suspicious
look lift from his face. “I didn’t know
that. Sorry.”
I
shrugged. “It’s no big deal. I’ve been doing this since I was a kid, so
I’m used to it. You just startled me; I
didn’t hear you come on the bus.”
“Oh –
sorry,” he said again. “I was just
checking to see if Nick was ready to head in for soundcheck.”
I glanced
over my shoulder at Nick, hoping he’d managed to pull his pants back up while
AJ was distracted. He had, thank
goodness. “Yeah, I’ll be there in a
few,” he told AJ. “Just gonna brush my
teeth first.” He retreated to the
bathroom at the back of the bus.
I flashed
AJ my sweetest smile and said, “How ‘bout I finish this real quick, and Nick
and I will meet you outside in five?”
“Oh yeah,
sure,” AJ agreed, turning to leave. “Sorry
again for barging in on you like that,” he called over his shoulder.
“No
problem!” I waited until I saw him get
off the bus, then hurried to the back.
“All clear,” I whispered.
Nick poked
his head out of the bathroom door.
“Shit, that was way too fuckin’ close.”
“I
know. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s
not your fault. AJ needs to learn how to
fucking knock. You were awesome! Thanks for covering for me like that.”
I met his
gaze, satisfied with the sheepish look on his face. “I don’t like lying, not even for you, but…
you’re welcome.”
He gave a
guilty nod and said, “I know. Sorry for
putting you in that situation. I’m gonna
tell them eventually, you know… That’s just not the way I would’ve wanted them
to find out.”
“I
know. That’s why I lied.”
“Thanks,”
he said again. His eyes dropped to the
syringe I still had in my hand. “Can we
just get this over with in here, in case he comes back?”
“Yeah, good
plan,” I agreed.
He lowered
his pants again, closed the toilet seat, and sat down. I knelt on the floor next to him and opened a
fresh alcohol wipe. He flinched when I
used it to disinfect the injection site.
“Shit,
those are cold.”
“Sorry.” I smiled; his leg hair was standing straight
up from goosebumps.
I uncapped
the syringe and pinched a hunk of flesh from his thigh. It was times like this when I was glad I
usually worked with the elderly – I never had to feel embarrassed about
touching a hot guy in a place that was verging on private. Then again, Nick made for a much more pleasant
sight than my usual clientele. I just
had to avoid looking up at his face and focus on the patch of bare skin in
front of me, as I tipped the syringe to a forty-five degree angle and carefully
slid it in. I felt him tense up with the
pain, but he held still while I injected him with the clear fluid from the
syringe. “There,” I said, sliding the
needle back out. A drop of blood
squeezed out of the pinprick hole in his leg; I handed him a cotton ball to
hold over it.
“Thanks,”
he sighed. He pressed the cotton ball to
his thigh for a few minutes, while I cleaned up, then tossed it into the trash
and stood, pulling his pants back up. He
followed me back to the front of the bus, where he helped himself to some chocolate
that was sitting out on the kitchen counter.
“This stuff is finally tasting right again,” he said, with his mouth
full.
“Glad to
hear it.” I smiled. It was just nice to see him with an appetite
again. Between dancing almost every
night and not eating much, he looked like he had lost even more weight, without
even trying. I, on the other hand, had
probably gained it from sitting around on this damned tour bus, eating
chocolate all day. “Get rid of that stuff
for me, would you?” I added, pointing at the leftover candy bars. “I can’t have any now that I’m
diabetic.” I winked.
He grinned,
his teeth all chocolaty, and took another piece. When he was done, he licked his lips, wiped
his fingers on his pants, and said, “We better go. You ready?”
“Yep.” I put on a pair of sandals, and he put on the
white Celtics cap he’d been wearing for days.
Then we got off the tour bus. AJ
was waiting for us outside, along with two of the bodyguards, Michael and Q. They escorted us into the venue through the
backstage entrance.
The Boys’
stage was set up, but crew members were still walking around, getting the sound
equipment ready. We each did a quick
soundcheck to make sure everything worked, before Justin, from the fan club,
let the fans in for the soundcheck party.
I loved watching the soundchecks; they were like mini-concerts, only way
more laidback, and it was fun to see the guys goof off with each other. Howie was usually serious, but Brian was such
a ham, and AJ and Nick – when he was feeling okay – could get pretty silly,
too.
I could
tell Nick was in a good mood by the obnoxious falsetto voice he used to sing
“Masquerade.” He got all up in Howie’s
face, until Howie retaliated by licking his cheek. Brian wasn’t feeling it. He texted on his phone when it wasn’t his
turn to sing and rolled his eyes as he jumped in with his harmonies on the
chorus. I don’t know why he seemed to
hate “Masquerade” so much; I thought it was a pretty good song.
When the
fans requested “Shattered” – one of my favorites from This Is Us – AJ started singing it normally. “So
empty, can’t feel no more, as I’m left with my tears on the floor…”
Then Nick
looked over and said, “AJ, give it McDonald.
Michael McDonald.”
All of a
sudden, AJ’s voice dropped an octave in an impression of Michael McDonald that
made me choke on the water I was drinking.
“Wait for my heart to mend, but
you keep tearing a hole…”
Then Brian
came in with his solo. “Inside I’m so lost…” he warbled in a
deep, old man’s vibrato.
“So lost,” Nick whispered into his mic.
“… in the middle of my heart…” I giggled helplessly; Brian was practically
eating his microphone, his mouth contorting hilariously to get the sound he
wanted. “It’s a battlefield of love, I’ve been fighting for too long…”
“And now I’m shattered…” they sang
together.
“From you chipping my heart,” belted Nick, his
voice deeper and more soulful than I’d ever known it could be, “kept taking it till it broke…”
“Oh, how it hurts…”
“Felt it slip from your hands, hit the ground and now it’s
shattered…” As Brian started laughing,
my mouth dropped open, and I stared at Nick in astonishment, unable to believe
that kind of voice was coming out of his mouth.
I knew they were just messing around, but he actually sounded good!
“I’m so shatter-er-er-er-ered…” wheezed Brian.
Nick was
cracking himself up. “Can’t believe, it was me, I’m so
shattered…”
“So shatter-er-er-er-ered…”
“Can’t believe, you and me, ahh…”
“So shatter-er-er-er-er-er-ered…”
“Can’t believe, you left me, I’m so shattered…”
“Shattered, cut from with inside…”
“Ohhh… what am I still here for?” warbled Nick,
lisping his “s,” and as Brian lost it onstage, so did I. “Could
it be that I’m just waiting?” Tears
stung my eyes as I burst out laughing at his hilarious, dead-on
impression. “Hoping you’d rescue me, and put the pieces to-” As the fans shrieked with laughter, Nick
started cracking up again in the middle and struggled to finish his verse. “-geth-…
a-” He completely lost it on “again” and almost fell off his stool.
The best was
when even Howie started doing it. “Inside I’m so lost,” he sang in the
Michael McDonald voice, and Brian threw his arms up in victory. “In the
middle of my heart…” It was so weird
hearing him sing that low; he sounded like a completely different person. “It’s a
battlefield of love, I’ve been fighting for so long…”
“And now I’m shattered…” they sang.
Nick still
did it the best, though. “From you chipping my heart, kept taking it
till it broke…”
As they
went on singing that way, I just watched him, completely enthralled. He amazed me, the way he could be so funny
and still sound so good, despite the deadly secret he was hiding. He was a true entertainer. It wasn’t just me; he had everyone in the
room under his spell. This was what he
was meant to do.
“Felt it slip from your hands, hit the ground and now it’s
shattered…” He had the cutest smile on
his face, clearly amused with himself, and in that moment, he looked genuinely
happy.
And despite
the worry and grief he put me through, the secrets he made me keep and the lies
he made me tell, in that moment, I realized how happy he made me, too.
***