Nick
When we got
back to our hotel room, Cary said, “I’m gonna check out the bar
downstairs. Text me when it’s safe to
come back up?”
I looked at
her in surprise, feeling my stomach bottom out, like when you go down a steep
hill really fast. “You’re not gonna
stay?” I’d taken it for granted that she
would be there for support when I told the guys – to give me the courage to
actually do it, first of all, and help me answer the questions I knew they’d
have once I did.
But Cary
shook her head and said, “No. I think
this conversation needs to be just between you guys. I’m staying out of it.”
I
sighed. She had a point. I was just being a chicken, afraid of facing
their reactions by myself. “Alright…
I’ll text you later, assuming I’m still alive.
They might kill me when they find out how long I’ve been hiding this.”
She offered
me a crooked smile. “If I don’t hear
from you in a few hours, I’ll call the police.”
“Good
plan.”
She put her
hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze of encouragement. “Good luck,” she said, on her way out the
door.
“Thanks,” I
replied miserably. I closed the door
behind her and sat down on the edge of the bed, fidgeting while I waited for
the guys to show up.
One by one,
they came: first Howie, then Brian, and
finally, AJ. He wasn’t bored now that
Rochelle was finally on the road with us; I was surprised he’d managed to tear
himself away from her. He didn’t look
too happy about it. “What’s this all
about, Carter?” he growled, as I motioned for him to sit down. “Lemme guess… Cary’s knocked up, isn’t she?”
That was so
far from the truth and from what I’d been expecting, I just gaped at him,
totally speechless, for a few seconds.
In that time, I saw Brian’s and Howie’s eyes widen, their heads whipping
towards AJ and then back to me, silently asking, “Is she??” Funny that they
all assumed I’d get a girl pregnant before I’d propose to her.
“No,” I
said, once I’d recovered. “She’s not
knocked up, and I’m not doing drugs.” I
couldn’t help but think that either of those situations would be better than
what I was about to tell them. Those
would have been my own fuck-ups, but fuck-ups I could fix… unlike cancer, which
I couldn’t have prevented and couldn’t cure.
This situation was completely out of my control, and to me, that made it
much scarier.
“So what’s
the deal, then?” AJ persisted, looking more curious than annoyed now, while I
stalled, trying to figure out how to tell them.
I’d been working on that one the whole bus ride – really, a lot longer
than that – and still had no clue.
Finally, I
decided to just come out and say it.
Like pulling off a Band-aid – do it quick, and it hurts for a second,
but then it’s over. I wanted it to be
like that. “I’m sick,” I said, my eyes
dropping to the carpet. I couldn’t stand
to look at them while I said it. “I…
I’ve been diagnosed with something called lymphoblastic lymphoma. It’s a kind of cancer.”
I heard
their soft gasps as it hit them, what I’d said.
Then AJ said, “Please tell me you’re fucking with us.”
I finally
looked up. He was staring at me in
disbelief, his face contorted into this weird, painful-looking expression. Next to him, Howie was wide-eyed and pale,
his mouth hanging slightly open. Brian’s
eyes were narrowed, his lips pressed tightly together. They were both staring at me, too, waiting
for me to either explain or say, “Psych!
Just kidding… gotcha!” They had
to know I’d never pull a prank that fucked up, but I knew they wanted to believe
that’s all this was. Just a practical
joke… an April fool… never mind the fact that it was almost July.
Slowly, I
shook my head. “Wish I was, but no… I’m
serious. I have cancer.”
It was one
of the few times I’d said it out loud, and even though I’d been living with it
for three months, it gave me a cold shiver just to hear myself admit it. I’d been hiding it and trying to deny it for
so long, but now they knew the truth, and soon, everyone would know. My Wikipedia page would be updated with a section
about my illness, and it would be a footnote at the end of any article written
about me, no matter how unrelated. My
legacy would be forever changed, forever tarnished by this.
“Oh my God,
Nicky…” Howie’s voice sounded
shaky. “Did you just find this out
today? Or was it last week, when you…” He trailed off.
I almost laughed
when I realized he thought I’d just been diagnosed, on one of my recent trips
to the hospital. He was going to flip
when he found out I’d known since March.
It was almost funny, except it wasn’t.
“No,” I forced myself to say, before I could think of lying about that,
too. “I was diagnosed in the
spring.” Then, feeling like I should
explain, I added, “I started feeling bad at the end of the Asian tour, so when
we got back to the States, I saw my cardiologist in Florida. He sent me to an oncologist in LA, and she
diagnosed me.”
Finally,
Brian spoke. His voice was deathly calm
when he said, “So… you’ve known about this how long? Since March?
April? And you’re just now
telling us?”
I hung my
head, avoiding the hurt look in his eyes.
Out of all of them, I felt worst about lying to Brian. We’d had our differences over the years,
grown apart as we’d grown up, but I still considered him my best friend, my
brother from another mother. He had
always been so open with us about his own health problems, I knew he’d never
understand me hiding mine. Especially
from him. We were Frick and Frack. We used to tell each other everything.
“I’m
sorry,” I mumbled. “I didn’t want you to
know.”
“Nice,” AJ
spat. “Real fuckin’ nice, Nick, to keep
a secret like that for three fucking months and then spring it on us like
this. What the fuck am I supposed to
say?”
I looked up
again, fidgeting under his blazing stare.
If looks could kill, the cancer wouldn’t get the chance to do me in;
AJ’s eyes alone would have gotten the job done right there. He didn’t just look betrayed, like Brian; he
was pissed. I guess I’d known he would be, but I still
wasn’t prepared for how bad he’d make me feel.
I don’t know what else I had expected.
Sympathy, maybe? Understanding? “You don’t have to say anything,” I told
AJ. “I just thought you should know.”
“Yeah, damn
straight. We should’ve known three
months ago. Fuck…” AJ swore, standing
up. He paced back and forth between us a
few times before he announced, “I can’t even deal with this shit right
now. I’m going downstairs.”
I didn’t
even try to stop him as he stalked out of the room, slamming my door shut
behind him. I figured he was off for a
smoke, or maybe a drink. I wouldn’t
blame him for either; he clearly needed some kind of release. Again, I felt a stab of guilt for causing
that kind of a reaction. I looked back
at Brian and Howie, bracing myself for a lecture from them.
Howie, half
out of his seat, asked uncertainly, “Should I go after him?”
“Nah,” said
Brian, “Let him blow off some steam. We
can check on him later… after we’re done talking to Nick.” He turned his eyes back to me, looking me up
and down. “So… why didn’t you want us to
know about this?”
Brian knew just
how to make me feel like a piece of shit without yelling and cursing at
me. His disappointment was a hundred
times worse than AJ’s anger. I tried to
explain myself, hoping he’d understand.
“I was gonna tell you…” I started, “but the timing just never seemed
right. I know I should’ve called when I
first found out, but I couldn’t make myself do it. I didn’t wanna tell you over the phone; it
was too hard of a call to make. So I was
gonna wait and tell you guys in person, when we were all together. I tried to in Napa, but I chickened out. We were having fun, and you guys all seemed
so happy, and I didn’t wanna be the one to ruin it.”
“Oh, Nick,”
said Howie, shaking his head, “of course we would’ve been devastated, but we
still would have wanted to know.”
“I know,” I
replied quickly, “but I liked being able to have fun with you guys and forget
what was going on with me. When we did
that Napa fan event, I had just finished my first cycle of chemo, and all I’d
been doing lately was lying around, feeling sorry for myself. You don’t understand how good it felt to get
out and get back onstage. It was like
nothing had changed. I could pretend
like my life was back to normal, even if it wasn’t. I dunno; it’s hard to explain…” I trailed off, knowing there was nothing I
could say that would justify my keeping this secret from them for so long. They wouldn’t understand. They couldn’t.
“Thanks for
trying,” Brian said, the hard look in his eyes softening a little. “So you did chemo?” He looked at me closely again, like he
couldn’t quite believe it.
I
nodded. “Yeah. I’m still on it, actually. I’ve been pretty lucky… still got all my
hair…” I ran my hand over my head. “I’ve had other side effects, though.”
Brian and
Howie looked at each other. “How have
you been managing to sneak away for chemo treatments without anyone knowing?”
Howie wanted to know. “Is that the real
reason you were at the hospital?”
“No. I’ve been getting them right here, either in
my hotel room or on the bus.” I pulled
down the neck of my t-shirt to show them my port, explaining how the little
metal disc implanted under my skin made it easy to get chemo through an IV
without having to be stuck every time.
“It looks freaky as hell, but it doesn’t hurt. I don’t even feel it,” I assured them.
Howie
looked pale and shocked. Brian just
looked perplexed. “But how…?” he began,
and then I could almost see the light bulb go on above his head. “Cary,” he said, like he couldn’t believe he
hadn’t figured it out earlier. “She’s a
nurse. She’s the one who’s been helping
you this whole time, hasn’t she? That’s
why you were so insistent about her being our opening act.”
I nodded,
smiling at my own brilliance. “To be
fair, she had no idea what she was getting into at first, so don’t blame
her. She got roped into it. But yeah, she’s been taking care of me,
giving me the chemo and stuff.”
“And that’s
why you’ve been spending so much time with her.” Brian paused.
“Are you actually dating her, too, or was that just a cover up?”
“A cover
up,” I answered. “There’s nothing else
goin’ on between us. It was just
convenient that you guys assumed there was.”
Brian shook
his head. “You’re an idiot, Nick, but
now you got me feelin’ like one, too, for thinking she was another gold digger. Sorry, man.
You’re still a prick, though.”
I grinned
sheepishly. “I know. I’m sorry, too.”
What else
was there to do but hug? That’s how we
Backstreet Boys roll; we’re just cheesy that way. I got a hug from Brian first, then
Howie. They weren’t the tight bear hugs
I was used to, but both of them seemed to cling to me a little longer than
usual. If they’d been mad at me before,
it was forgotten now; when they pulled away, they both just looked sort of sad.
“So… what kind
of cancer did you say you had?” Howie asked.
“It’s a
kind of Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. It’s
called lymphoblastic lymphoma,” I said, surprised I could actually remember
that mouthful. I wasn’t a total idiot,
though; I’d read up on it.
“And what
stage is it in?”
My stomach
dropped, like it had earlier. “Um… stage
IV.” I saw Howie’s face crumple when I
said that. He knew what it meant; his
dad had died of stage IV lung cancer that had spread to his brain. “But it’s not as bad as it sounds,” I added
quickly. “I had a bunch of tests done in
the hospital right before we went on the road, and they showed that the chemo
is helping. I had a tumor in my chest,
but it’s shrunk. I’m gonna be okay.”
Howie
offered me a shaky smile. “I hope so,
Nicky.”
“You better
be,” Brian added severely. I smiled at
his threatening tone – as if scrawny little Brian Littrell could scare the
cancer out of me. I wished he could. Then again, he did have a pretty good
relationship with God; maybe he could pray it away. “You need to take care of yourself,” he
lectured, sounding a lot like his cousin.
My stomach bottomed out again when I thought of Kevin finding out I was
sick. He was gonna be devastated – and
pissed at me for not telling him sooner.
“… And start being honest with us.”
Brian was still going on. “You
shouldn’t have had to go through this alone.”
“I wasn’t
alone. I had Cary.”
“You know
what I mean. You should have had support
from your friends, your family. Do they know about this?” I shook my head guiltily, and Brian
sighed. “Of course not. I don’t understand you, Nick.”
“You know
my family ain’t like yours… or yours, D,” I added, looking from Brian to
Howie. “I’m not ready to involve them in
all this shit. One step at a time,
alright? It was a big enough step just
to open up to you guys.”
“I don’t
know why,” said Howie, sounding hurt again.
“We are your family, Nick. We’re
your brothers. If you can’t come to us
when you’re going through stuff, who can you count on?”
Sometimes, you can count on a total stranger. I thought of Cary, who had been everything
I’d asked of her and more. Thanks to
her, I hadn’t been alone. I’d had the
support of a friend. The guys didn’t get
it, but suddenly, I did understand just how much that support had meant to me
on this tour. No matter how strong and
stubborn I could be, it was Cary who had gotten me through it – just like she’d
promised.
“Speaking
of brothers,” Brian spoke up, “maybe one of us should go down and check on AJ.”
“I’ll go,”
Howie volunteered. “He probably just
needs some time. You know he doesn’t
handle bad news well.”
“Tell him
I’m sorry,” I offered, as Howie got up to leave. “There was no easy way to tell you guys, then
or now.”
“Knowing
AJ, he would’ve freaked out no matter when you told us,” Brian said. I think he meant to make me feel better, but
really, I just felt worse. This was
partly why I’d avoided telling them for so long. I had known it would devastate them. I hoped AJ was just out smoking and not doing
something totally stupid.
Howie
nodded, agreeing with Brian, and gave me a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry.
He’ll come around.”
I really
hoped he was right.
***