To Believe Again
Part 2
Drawing my knees towards
my chest, I wrapped my arms tightly around them. This seemed to annoy Kevin for
some reason.
“Nick are you listening
to anything I’m saying?”
I rested my chin on my
knees. “Yeah,” I mumbled.
“Well, I meant every word
of it,” he drawled.
God, I hate it when he’s
right. Was it that obvious about the feelings I had for Lizz? I had made it a
practice not to show my feelings because of all the times I had been hurt
growing up, especially in this business.
“What are you planning on
doing about this?”
I shut my eyes tight and
sighed. He was going to hound me until I did something, this was so typical of
him - hounding me until I finally caved.
“I dunno, what can I do?”
“You can get off your
butt for starters and talk to that girl down there,” Kevin said gently.
I shook my head. “What if
she tells me to go away, I don’t think I could handle that Kev.”
“Nick, I doubt Lizz would
say that to you. Why would you think that?”
I looked up at Kevin, the
tears in my eyes blurred my vision. “I-I just don’t know what to say to her
anymore. I failed her and I don’t deserve to be near her. She needs someone
that can protect her.”
Kevin sighed, I braced
myself for another lecture that was definately bound
to come. “Nick, quit being so damned hard on yourself. There wasn’t anything
you could have done differently and you know that!”
I half-laughed at my own
thoughts. “I’ve gone over this in my head trying to figure out what I could
have done to stop Vinnie and all I can hear is Lizz crying out for me to help
her. How would she want to be near someone as pathetic as me?”
Kevin roughly grabbed my
by the shoulders, pulling me within inches of his face. “Nick, listen to me.
Lizz is a strong girl. She came from a very strong background and she’s had
many challenges in her lifetime. She is about as christian
as you can find - well, next to Brian she’s as religious as you can find.
Forgiveness is in her vocabulary, but there’s nothing to forgive because you
didn’t do anything wrong. Get this into your thick head, alright? She needs you
just as much as you need her, just go down and talk to her, okay?”
“You go on ahead, I’ll
catch up with you in a minute,” I squeaked. God, I hate when my voice betrays
me.
“I’m not stupid, we’re
going down together Nick. I lost you for three hours I’m not taking that chance
again,” Kevin replied sternly.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Brian reached out and
gently brushed the tears from Lizz’s cheeks. He
looked at her for a few moments before speaking.
“I bet we look pretty sad
right now,” he joked.
Lizz smiled slightly and
nodded. “Yeah.”
The silence in the room
made both of them uncomfortable. Both were trying to think of something to say.
“Do you think Kevin found
him yet?” Lizz finally spoke, her voice hoarse.
Brian grinned. “You know
that Kevin is pretty effective in finding anyone if he has to. I swear he
missed his calling, he should have been a private detective.”
Lizz nodded in agreement,
smiling. Her smile slowly faded, she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
“I must look like complete shit.”
Brian smiled. “No, I
think you look just fine.”
Lizz shook her head.
Brian could feel anger well up inside him as he gazed at the tiny girl looking
lost in the hospital bed. All sorts of feelings were popping into his brain
when he recalled the horrible things that Vinnie had tried to do to her while
he and Nick were held back - helpless to reach out and do anything to stop it.
He knew Lizz and Nick had become quite close over the past year and anything
they had endured had brought them closer and closer together. They triumphed
over each obstical and it seemed to only bond them
more.
Until now.
“Brian, you look tired,
can I call your nurse to come take you back to your room?” Lizz offered.
Brian snapped out of his
thoughts. “Huh? Oh, sorry I’m fine.”
Lizz looked at him
questioningly.
“Really, I’m fine.”
She continued her gaze
upon him, making him shift nervously.
“Alright, I was just
thinking, but I’m okay,” Brian confessed.
She raised an eyebrow.
“Thinking about what?”
“About you and Nick.”
Her eyebrow dropped and
she looked away. “Oh.”
“Come on Lizz, you guys
have to start talking,” Brian sighed.
Lizz shook her head.
“It’s just so hard. Nick’s changed.”
“Lizz, he’s still the
same guy, it’s just the circumstances has made things hard on both of you.”
Almost on cue, there was a quiet knock on the door.
“Can me and Kevin come
in?”
“Remember, one day at a
time,” Brian smiled.
*~*~*~*~
My footsteps echoed on
the tiled floor, heavy and even. It sounded like someone that walked that had a
purpose to where they were going, very confident about what that person needed
to do. God, even in my own thoughts I was taunting myself. How more wrong can I
be?
I last saw Lizz that day
when Kevin found me sitting by myself in the far ends of the hospital. He being
the bright intelligent man that he is, convinced me that I needed to basically
stake my claim about my feelings for her. I was a complete idiot for even
thinking that things could ever be the same after fucking Vinnie did the
unimaginable to her.
Sitting down heavily onto
the couch, I reached for the television remote control, my fingers brushing
against the pack of cigarettes that laid on the table next to the device.
Automatically, I pulled one out of the wrinkled package and systematically lit
the end.
Slowly drawing in the
smoke, I could feel the calming effect it had on my nerves. What I ignored was
my lungs still protesting the invasion of the tobacco. Smoking was one of the
worst possible things I could do to myself as a singer but I fell into the dark
snares of depressive thoughts and smoking was now my vice to get out of them.
As I clicked on the set I
surfed through the channels and stopped at my security blanket, Mtv. Millions of hours were spent with my old friend and
today wasn’t going to be an exception. The little sanctuary I had built for
myself was interrupted abruptly with the phone ringing. I half listened to the
answering maching as it clicked on.
”Nick, this is
Brian..... pick up if you’re there.... *sighs* Okay, buddy if you’re out there
listening to this, you have all of us worried sick about you...please call me
to let me know you’re okay.....we care and things are going to be
alright....um, okay? call me.”
I shook my head sadly as
I listened to Brian’s voice begging for me to surface. I think his voice
sounded sad, but why would he be sad? He was finally rid of me, no more Nick
fuckups to happen again. That’s what those guys really wanted in the first
place, I decided as I took a deep drag from the cigarette.
When a commercial came on
the tv, my mind drifted and I caught the vision of
the laptop sitting in the corner of the room sitting on the oak table. I tilted
my head back and closed my eyes. This was where the whole thing started. My
screw ups that led to nothing but months of pain and agony for everyone whose
life I had personally touched.
A few years ago I had
reached out to find solace while I was on the road, all alone while the guys
went out clubbing or spent time with their girlfriends, I turned to the
computer and spent time in chatrooms and surfing the
net. I met so many people through the hours I had spent online.
I met Lizz online.
A smile spread across my
face when I thought about the first conversation we had online. It wasn’t
anything deep and serious about problems in the
After a few online
conversations, we graduated to some brief phone calls mixed in with intense
online conversations that led way into early dawn. I couldn’t begin to tell you
how many sunrises I witnessed sitting infront of a
monitor chatting with her.
I fell in love with her
almost overnight, I guess. There was something about her that I couldn’t just
walk away from. We had some good times together online and some good fights too
but that was our disposition. We were both grumpy, moody sons of bitches when
we were cornered. Our personalities were too damn similar, as Brian always
pointed out.
Lizz and I had gone from
a literal hell and back over the past year. In my stupid mind, I had tried to
take my life and I not only failed, I almost took someone along with me. It
forever changed both of our lives, hell it changed everyone’s life that was
centered around Lizz and I.
I screwed up and I had
wished I could turn back time. The way I was feeling right at this moment, I
would turn back time and do the deed the right way not going online and
broadcasting my intentions. Not telling a soul. Letting them find me dead in my
bunk on the bus.
The phone once again
plucked me from my thoughts. I listened to the machine again.
”Hi Carter, it’s
AJ.... pick up the goddamn phone you asshole!”
Okay, I honestly cracked
a smile hearing AJ’s gruff voice barking at me. He definately
had a way with words.
”I swear to god if you
don’t surface by tonight I’m going to take matters into my own fucking
hands.....*sighs* I’ll call your old man on your ass!”
That had me stiffen in my
seat and I quickly reached out for the phone, fumbling it in my attempt to
intercept the call, watching it crash to the floor.
“Shit,” I breathed. The
machine shut off and AJ was gone.
I stared at the phone
laying on the floor, my thoughts drifting back to Lizz. I mentally debated
about calling her but quickly pushed the thoughts aside.
“Nick, you need to get
over this,” I coached myself. “I got over Manda, I
can get over Lizz too.”
My mind trailed back to
the last day I saw Lizz in the hospital.....
Pushing the heavy door
open to her hospital room, I found Brian still sitting in the wheelchair,
positioned alongside Lizz’s bed. Her face was pale
and her eyes were red rimmed. Brian didn’t look much better to me.
“Brian... Kev, I need
you to leave, I need to talk to Lizz alone,” I stated, my voice brimming with
nervousness.
Brian looked up at me,
his eyes had that look of concern I had seen so many times over the past six
months. I placed a hand on his shoulder as Kevin wheeled him by me and Brian
reached out and gave it a quick, reassuring squeeze.
The door softly
closed, leaving us alone.
I stood in the middle
of the room, frozen in place. Scared to take a step closer, mentally deciding
that if I dared take a step, the floor would give away and swallow me up into a
firey abyss. Just as she did last time, Lizz took the
first step in initiating a conversation.
“You can come up
closer.”
“I know,” I replied,
still standing in my same spot. In my damn stubborness,
I wasn’t going to make any attempt to take a step until it looked like it was
my idea and no one elses. Finally, I threw caution to
the wind and walked up to the bed and quickly wrapped my arms around her.
“I’m so sorry,” I
sobbed into her shoulder.
She didn’t say
anything, but I could feel her her body shake with
the cries she was holding in. After a few moments, she pushed me away from her.
Her face soaked with tears. “I can’t anymore Nick,” she sobbed, her voice
cracking.
I looked at her with a
puzzled expression. “Can’t what?”
“Forget about me,
okay? Go on with your life and just forget I ever existed.”
“No Lizz, I can’t” I
argued.
“Just do it, I’m not
good enough for you anymore, find someone that will make you happy to be
friends with--”
“Lizz, I love you.”
“I love you too and
that’s why I’m letting you go.”
“Please don’t do this
to me Lizz,” I begged. “Why? Why are you doing this to me? To us?”
The tears slipped down
her face as she shook her head back and forth. “Because I’m never going to be
the same and you don’t need this in your life Nick. Just go on living.”
“No, please I can make
this better, give me a chance!” I rasped.
She closed her eyes.
“Please go.”
“No, Lizz, please hear
me out,” I begged.
”PLEASE GO! NOW!”
***
I jumped nearly twenty
feet when I felt a wet nose brush the top of my hand. Jerking my hand away from
the source, I was relieved to see one of the pugs sitting beside the couch,
panting.
“Hey fella,
you want to go outside?”
The pug immediately
started jumping up and down and spinning in circles.
“Okay... okay, god you
act like you’ve been trapped inside the house for days,” I stated as I opened
one of the French doors that led to the fenced back yard.
Raking a hand through my
hair as I walked back into the living room, I stopped and picked the phone off
the floor and clicked the on button to see if I broke another phone. The
humming noise indicated it was still useable.
Setting the cordless
phone onto the glass coffee table, I decided I should take my daily walk to the
mail box. This had been my only source of fresh air and exercise the past
several weeks. Deep in my heart, I was always hoping there would be some letter
or card from Lizz and every day I would walk back to the house with a heaviness
laying in my chest.
Opening the front door,
my heart skipped a beat. “Lizz?”
There she stood on my
front doorstep, a look of uncertainty etched on her face.
My first impulse was to
grab her and squeeze her but I kept my emotions in check, waiting for her to
tell me what the surprise visit was for.
It was only a matter of
seconds before my body was pulled into the tightest squeeze Lizz could muster,
nearly knocking me off my feet. I hugged her back as hard as I dared without
cutting off her oxygen.
She pulled me out of her
embrace and looked up at me, her eyes teared up.
“Nick, we need to talk.”
“Okay,” I agreed and
followed her into the house.
She quickly sat down on
the sofa and patted the seat next to her, inviting me to sit beside her.
Obediently, I sat down.
Before she spoke, she
started rubbing her hands back and forth on the top of her blue jeans. She drew
in a breath before she spoke, I was scared to think of what she needed to say
to me.
“Nick, I need you to just
sit and hear me out before you say anything, okay?”
I nodded in agreement.
Sighing, she quietly
started. “First, I want to tell you that I’m sorry for the way I acted back at
the hospital when you last came to see me. There was so many things going on in
my brain and I was running from everything. You scared me, Brian scared me, I was ashamed of myself and the things that had happened to
me in that building.”
As I opened my mouth to
speak, she quickly placed a finger to my lips.
“You wanted to be closer
to me and I pushed you away, I just didn’t want you to get involved with
someone like me. I felt dirty and unworthy of anyone’s love. After I checked
out of the hospital, I spent probably a good week thinking about everything and
feeling sorry for myself. It was after I nearly took some desperate measures
and started thinking stupid, suicidal thoughts, I got help and I went to
counseling.”
“Oh Lizz,” I murmured.
“Nick, I came to one
conclusion and I can’t run from it anymore. I love you. I’ve always loved you.
I just wanted to tell you that.”
I took her hands in mine.
“I’ve never stopped loving you Lizz.”
She smiled and sighed. “I
guess what we need to do now is start over again, and really try out what we
know we both want. We need to figure out where we stand and the best way to do
that is to, as Brian says, take it one day at a time. We need to prove to
ourselves that no obstical can keep us from one
another. No Terri, no Agnes, no Vinnie can take what we’ve felt in our hearts
and deny our happiness. We need to believe in ourselves.” She reached up and
captured my face in her hands. “We need to believe again.”
And then it happened for
the first time in our friendship, I leaned down and caught her mouth in a
passionate kiss.
Life was looking up for
us. I didn’t hear the phone ring but the answering machine barked with Kevin’s
voice.
”Nick? are you there?
It’s me Kevin...pick up....”
Not breaking my attention
from Lizz, my hand slapped around behind the couch until it made contact with
the answering machine, sending it crashing to the floor, stopping the intrusive
voice.
Lizz giggled when I
quickly scooped her up and carried her up the stairs.
Today was the day we were
going to start over.
Today was the day we were
going to believe again.
The End
***
