Babysitting the First Backstreet Baby

“Tell me again why we’re doing this?” AJ asked as he followed Nick, Kevin and Howie towards the front of the Littrell family fort.

“Because Brian’s our friend,” Nick began, noticing an awkward glance returned from Kevin’s direction. “Oh,” he smiled, “and he’s Kevin’s cousin too.”

“I don’t mix well with babies,” AJ’s face contorted into a frown as Howie rang the doorbell.

“Babies don’t like you much because you’re mean to them!” Howie shouted.

“I’m not mean to them, Howie. I just don’t take their shit. No one, and I mean no one messes with my leopard print cowboy hat and gets away with it!” Just as AJ finished his sentence, the front door swung open revealing Brian, carrying Baylee in his arms.

“Hi guys!” He called, motioning with his free hand for them to come inside. They followed in a straight line, walking into the living room and setting their belongings on the various available pieces of furniture. “Thanks again for agreeing to baby-sit Baylee; you have no idea how great it’s gonna be for Leigh and I to go out for a while.”

Leighanne scurried into the room, her purse in her hands. “C’mon, Bri, or we’ll be late!” She called, kissing her son’s cheek.

“I’m coming, Leigh. I’m just gonna give the guys a run through and then I’ll be out in the car.”

“Okay sweetie,” she said, kissing him gently on his cheek. “I’ll be in the car waiting for you. Take care guys, and thanks again,” she finished, walking out the front door quickly.

Brian handed his son to his cousin, “All right, here’s the run through: no alcohol around the baby, don’t feed him anything except his bottle, don’t watch porn when he’s around, don’t let Nick play with hairspray and a lighter again; and guys, I know it’s nasty, but you’ve gotta change his diaper regularly, okay?”

They each nodded, nearly silent groaning coming from them at the thought of dirty diapers. “Can we put him to sleep for the whole time?” Nick asked curiously.

“What?” Brian asked. “No, guys, c’mon...this is for real. I’m trusting you guys with my son - not my dogs this time, but my son. Don’t kill him, okay? Do you realize what we went through for him?”

Nick grimaced. “You had to have sex,” he added, his face showing disgust.

“No shit,” AJ sighed heavily.

Kevin couldn’t stop his grinning, Nick never ceased to amaze him with the downright stupid comments he made.

“Yeah, we had sex Nick,” Brian said, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, you didn’t mean sex?” Nick asked. “You mean the nine months he was in the um...wound? Womb? Something like that...”

Brian looked at AJ, “Did you drug him?”

“No I didn’t drug him!” AJ defensively argued, crossing his arms over his chest.

“He ate like an entire box of Cap’n Crunch on the way over. Kevin wouldn’t stop for food, and he hadn’t had anything to eat and claimed he was starving. He‘s just had too much sugar,” Howie explained.

Kevin growled, “I would’ve had time to stop if he hadn’t taken so many pee breaks!”

“It’s not my fault I’ve got a small bladder!”

“He doesn’t have a small bladder, he just drinks too much,” AJ mumbled under his breath.

Brian sighed heavily. “Don’t kill each other, okay?”

They all nodded as Brian walked over to his son, kissing his forehead.

“We’ll be back by 9 or 10 o’clock,” Brian said, mumbling an almost inaudible ‘bye’ as he scurried out the door for an evening with his wife.

For a few silent moments, they just stood there. They didn’t have much experience with babies, and as sad as it seems, Nick probably had the most experience with having four younger siblings.

“What do we do first?” AJ asked, eyeing Baylee like he was a huge cockroach scurrying into an open box of his favorite cereal.

“I think we need to...” Nick’s voice trailed off. “I dunno. I guess we’ll just wait until he cries and then we’ll feed him or change him or...whatever the hell else you’re supposed to do.”

“You had sisters and a brother, you oughta know what to do,” AJ mumbled.

“Well, yeah, but that was a long time ago. I mean, I still have them, but...they’re not little babies anymore.”

“Okay, what do kids like? Barney and...cartoons in general, right?” Kevin asked, holding the baby closer to his body.

“I didn’t bring my cartoon tapes. All I’ve got with me is some porn and some videos of Nick Carter Racing,” Nick said, reaching into his backpack to retrieve the videos.

“Porn and videos of your boat?” Howie muttered, a nearly scared expression written on his face.

Mmmhmm,” Nick mumbled.

“Neither of those will entertain a baby, Nick.” Kevin hissed, shaking his head in disgust.

“But some of them will entertain us,” AJ enthused, looking over the covers of the videos with Nick.

“Guys,” Howie scolded. “You heard Brian - no porn!”

“Riiiiight,” AJ replied, making mental note of this. “He knows us too well, doesn’t he?”

As if on cue, Baylee began to wail, his arms flailing, shrill cries filling their ears.

“Holy shit!” AJ screamed, covering his ears. “Shut the damn thing off!”

“He doesn’t have batteries, you moron!” Howie growled.

Kevin tried to gently rock the baby in an attempt to pacify him, but it was no use. “You think he crapped his diaper or something?”

“Check,” AJ replied.

“No, you check!” Kevin said, placing Baylee onto his back on the couch.

“I’ll check,” Nick replied. He pushed Kevin aside and approached the crying infant. Peeling back the huge white padded diaper, he inspected the inside wearily. Nothing. “He didn’t.”

“Oh. Then why’s he crying?” AJ questioned.

“Maybe he’s hungry?” Nick asked, reaching into his bag. After a quick moment of rummaging, he pulled out a huge jaw breaker. “I’ve got something for you to eat little guy,” Nick cooed softly to Baylee, as he lowered the candy.

“It’s as big as his head! Do you honestly think he could eat that?” Kevin shouted, smacking Nick’s hand away from his second cousin’s face.

The large mass of candy flew out of Nick’s hand, hitting the floor hard, and rolling away swiftly. The loud noise only made the wailing baby scream louder.

“Look what you did, Kaos!” AJ scolded, smacking his back.

“What I did? Kevin’s the one that smacked it out of my hands! It was perfectly good candy until he got it all dirty!” Nick screamed angrily, jumping onto Kevin and knocking him onto the floor.

“Guys,” Howie groaned, “get off each other.”

AJ pried them apart, forcing them to stand a few feet away from one another. Nick crossed his arms over his chest, scowling at Kevin, who mirrored his image. The baby still cried.

“We have to shut him up, guys.”

“Howie, we know that.” Nick rolled his eyes.

“Maybe he’s hungry then? Brian mentioned feeding him, right?” AJ asked.

“Yeah. Where would his food be?” Howie wondered.

“What do babies eat?” Nick asked.

“Not giant jaw breakers, that‘s for damn sure,” Kevin growled, scowling at Nick again.

“They...” Howie paused. “Okay, Brian mentioned feeding Baylee his bottle. Where’s his bottle at?”

“The ‘fridge?” Nick questioned, his forehead wrinkled.

“Yeah, probably,” Kevin mumbled softly to himself. He scurried away, walking swiftly into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator and pulling out an already made bottle. He returned to the living room, attempting to put the bottle into the baby’s tiny hand.

“He can’t hold it himself, Kevin,” Nick shook his head.

“Well I’m not gonna hold it; my arm will get tired.”

“And Baylee’s won’t?” Howie asked.

Nick walked towards where Baylee lie, grabbing the bottle from Kevin. “Here little guy,” he cooed, “you’ll like this better than my jawbreaker.” The infant’s incessant crying came to a halt once he was securely sucking the milk from the bottle.

“Kaos, you’re a genius,” Howie said, relieved.

“Thanks,” Nick smiled bashfully.

For a while everything was going very well, but of course, everything isn’t always smooth sailing. After Baylee finished his bottle, the Boys were faced with a new decision - burp him or let him fend for himself?

 

“We’re supposed to burp him now,” Nick began, setting the empty bottle onto a nearby table. He reached for the baby, bringing him into his arms. As gentle as possible he began to pat on his back, awaiting a burp.

“You should put something on your shoulder, Nick,” Kevin began. “’Cause I’ve seen my nephew Will, and when my brother burps him, he spits up this disgusting white stuff...ugh, it makes me sick just thinking about it,” he cringed. “Baby vomit is some down right nasty stuff.”

“But I’m burping him, why would that induce vomiting?”

“Did he just say the word induce?” AJ softly whispered to Howie.

“I think he did,” Howie responded equally as soft.

“Nick, I’m trying to help you out by warning you...”

“No, you think I’m too dumb to know my own.”

“What did he say?” AJ whispered to Howie.

“Something about being dumb.”

“I got that much.”

“Oh.”

“I mean, he phrased that weird, didn’t he?”

“Yeah,” AJ replied.

“I can hear you guys ya know,” Nick spat, patting on Baylee’s back a little harder.

They shrugged.

“Oh holy....” AJ’s voice trailed off as the other two got a peek at the imagery making itself known on Nick’s shirt.

“Nick, he just lost his cookies all over you,” Kevin guffawed, making no attempt to stifle his laughter.

“No he didn’t.”

“Yes he did man,” AJ added.

“Nick, we’re looking right at it, how can you say it’s not there?” Kevin asked, rolling his eyes.

He took a moment to move Baylee to his free shoulder and then made an attempt to feel around for the 'cookies' Kevin had mentioned that had been regurgitated.

Mission accomplished.

“Tell me that’s just warm hair gel I just stuck my hand in...” Nick’s voice wavered as he slowly pulled his hand back to inspect it.

“Someone’s been watching ‘There’s Something About Mary’...”

Sure enough... it was not hair gel!

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Nick quickly sped passed the others, handing the baby to Kevin before he made his way down the hallway.

“I told him Baylee was gonna vomit on him...” Kevin said, holding the infant closer to him. “Didn’t I tell him, Baylee? Yup, Second Cousin Kevin sure did...”

AJ and Howie exchanged glances. “Second Cousin Kevin?” They both giggled mercilessly.

Nick returned a few minutes later, shirtless and pale.

“How’d everything come out?” AJ snorted.

“God, it’s just like Brian threw up on me - the little butthead looks just like him... And anyway, shouldn’t you be asking the little shit on Kev’s shoulder how everything came out?”

Hey! That’s my second cousin you’re bad-mouthin’! I’ll beat yer ass, Nick!”

“Howie, why is it that when Kevin gets angry, his Kentucky accent shines through?”

Howie shrugged. “I haven’t a clue.”

“Let’s just watch something and get the little fool to sleep,” Nick suggested.

“I thought you didn’t bring any cartoon tapes?” Kevin asked.

“I didn’t Kevin, but that doesn’t mean Brian and Leighanne don’t have the Disney channel!” Nick spat.

Jeeze, Nick. Don’t get your panties in a bundle. Calm down. Kevin did warn you about the vomit and there’s no sense in getting all pissy about it,” AJ hissed.

Howie laughed, “No use crying over spilled milk...”

“In this case, regurgitated milk,” Kevin rendered as he high-fived the other two.

Nick stood there silently. “You guys done, yet?”

“Yeah, yeah. We’re done, dude,” AJ replied, wiping the almost non-existent tears from the corners of his eyes.

Nick approached the television, kneeling down to get a better view of the buttons. “Which one do you think changes the channel?”

“The thing’s gotta be on first,” Howie reminded him.

“Oh, right.” He quickly pressed the power button and stepped back to see what channel it was on.

“Jerry Springer reruns...” Howie gawked. “You know I love Jerry Springer!”

“No, Howie...” Kevin scolded, slowly approaching the TV with the infant still in his arms. He bent down slightly and turned it off. “We don’t want to taint his mind at such a young age.”

AJ giggled, “Might end up like Nick then.”

Nick just shrugged indifferently. “Well, if we can’t watch TV to get him to sleep, what are we going to do?”

They exchanged accusing glances.

No one spoke up.

“Any suggestions?” Kevin asked.

They continued to exchange glances.

“No comments from the peanut gallery today?” He asked, specifically eyeing Nick.

“Nope,” Nick replied.

“Well, crap. How many more hours do we have of this?” AJ asked, gazing at his watch. “It’s almost 8:40.”

“For real?” Nick questioned, looking at his own watch. “We’ve been fighting for over an hour then.”

Howie took his usual peace-maker mode. “And what have we accomplished?”

“Nothing,” they all said in unison.

“So we’ve got between half an hour and an hour and thirty minutes before the lovely couple gets back, right?” Asked AJ.

“Yeah.”

“So let’s say we not kill each other and we shock the hell out of them.”

“By not killing each other, or by changing his diaper?” Laughed Kevin.

“Whatever comes first.”

“Hey,” Kevin said softly.

“What?”

“He’s asleep,” he cooed, staring at the sound body resting peacefully in his arms.

“Aww,” Nick happily sighed. “We actually got him to sleep.”

Kevin took the infant upstairs to his bedroom and put him down for a nice slumber. When he returned he found that Brian and Leighanne had already returned. “What are you two doing home so early?”

“Well,” started Leighanne. “We just decided that we weren’t...comfortable with Nick being here with our son...we’ve got flammable materials around here, ya know.”

Nick looked hurt. “I haven’t caught anything on fire in at least two years.”

“Still,” he shrugged. “Leighanne was worried,” Brian said, more to Nick than anyone else. “I’m sorry dude.” Brian looked like he felt bad that he didn’t trust his friend. “Wait, a sec....where’s your shirt?”

“Huh?” Nick asked, looking down at his bare chest.

Leighanne frowned. “Where the hell’s your shirt?”

“He already asked me that, Leighanne...” Nick rolled his eyes.

“But you didn’t answer...”

“I took it off.”

Howie and AJ began a giggle fit.

“I know you took it off; but why did you?” Leighanne asked.

“Because your son tossed his cookies all over it.”

“You gave him cookies?!?” Brian asked, distressed with the thought of his tooth-less child attempting to chew cookies.

“What? Who gave him cookies?” Kevin asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

“No one gave him cookies, you morons. It’s just an expression. Let me put it in jackass terms: he. threw. up,” Nick replied, stressing each syllable.

“Oh,” Brian replied, clearing his throat. “I knew that. And I wouldn’t call me a jackass if I were you.”

“Anyways...“ Nick began, attempting to change the subject. “You didn’t trust me?” Nick pensively asked.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Nick....”

“It’s just that you always prove you’re a moron,” AJ offered, laughing at his own joke.

“No, that’s not it at all,” Brian defended. “You just....you had some sugar and taking that into consideration, it just wasn’t feasible for us to leave Baylee with you while we’ve got hairspray in the house.”

“Well, I’m not offended or anything....” Nick crossed his arms over his chest, clearly contradicting his statement. “I mean, I didn’t wanna baby-sit your kid anyway. Who wants to change diapers and burp a gassy infant anyway?”

The room filled with silence, and Nick could swear he heard crickets. Well, he probably did...standing beside the window in a quiet situation could yield results.

“What?” He asked.

“You didn’t wanna baby-sit Baylee?” Brian asked.

“Nope.”

Brian laughed. “What a relief...we didn’t want you guys babysitting him either!”

They laughed aloud in relief.

“Do us a favor,” AJ started.

“Anything...”

“Never ask us to baby-sit the first Backstreet baby ever again, okay?”

“It’s a deal,” Brian replied gladly.

***

 

 

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