Babysitting the First
Backstreet Baby
“Tell me again
why we’re doing this?” AJ asked as he followed Nick, Kevin and Howie towards
the front of the Littrell family fort.
“Because
Brian’s our friend,” Nick began, noticing an awkward glance returned from
Kevin’s direction. “Oh,” he smiled, “and he’s Kevin’s cousin too.”
“I don’t mix
well with babies,” AJ’s face contorted into a frown as Howie rang the doorbell.
“Babies don’t
like you much because you’re mean to them!” Howie shouted.
“I’m not mean
to them, Howie. I just don’t take their shit. No one, and I mean no one
messes with my leopard print cowboy hat and gets away with it!” Just as AJ
finished his sentence, the front door swung open revealing Brian, carrying
Baylee in his arms.
“Hi guys!” He
called, motioning with his free hand for them to come inside. They followed in
a straight line, walking into the living room and setting their belongings on
the various available pieces of furniture. “Thanks again for agreeing to
baby-sit Baylee; you have no idea how great it’s gonna be for Leigh and I to go
out for a while.”
Leighanne
scurried into the room, her purse in her hands. “C’mon, Bri, or we’ll be late!”
She called, kissing her son’s cheek.
“I’m coming,
Leigh. I’m just gonna give the guys a run through and then I’ll be out in the
car.”
“Okay
sweetie,” she said, kissing him gently on his cheek. “I’ll be in the car waiting
for you. Take care guys, and thanks again,” she finished, walking out the front
door quickly.
Brian handed
his son to his cousin, “All right, here’s the run through: no alcohol around
the baby, don’t feed him anything except his bottle, don’t watch porn when he’s
around, don’t let Nick play with hairspray and a lighter again; and guys, I
know it’s nasty, but you’ve gotta change his diaper regularly, okay?”
They each
nodded, nearly silent groaning coming from them at the thought of dirty
diapers. “Can we put him to sleep for the whole time?” Nick asked curiously.
“What?” Brian
asked. “No, guys, c’mon...this is for real. I’m trusting you guys with my son -
not my dogs this time, but my son. Don’t kill him, okay? Do you realize what we
went through for him?”
Nick grimaced.
“You had to have sex,” he added, his face showing disgust.
“No shit,” AJ
sighed heavily.
Kevin couldn’t
stop his grinning, Nick never ceased to amaze him with the downright stupid
comments he made.
“Yeah, we had
sex Nick,” Brian said, rolling his eyes.
“Oh, you
didn’t mean sex?” Nick asked. “You mean the nine months he was in the
um...wound? Womb? Something like that...”
Brian looked
at AJ, “Did you drug him?”
“No I didn’t
drug him!” AJ defensively argued, crossing his arms over his chest.
“He ate like
an entire box of Cap’n Crunch on the way over. Kevin wouldn’t stop for food,
and he hadn’t had anything to eat and claimed he was starving. He‘s just had
too much sugar,” Howie explained.
Kevin growled,
“I would’ve had time to stop if he hadn’t taken so many pee breaks!”
“It’s not my
fault I’ve got a small bladder!”
“He doesn’t
have a small bladder, he just drinks too much,” AJ mumbled under his breath.
Brian sighed
heavily. “Don’t kill each other, okay?”
They all
nodded as Brian walked over to his son, kissing his forehead.
“We’ll be back
by 9 or
For a few
silent moments, they just stood there. They didn’t have much experience with
babies, and as sad as it seems, Nick probably had the most experience
with having four younger siblings.
“What do we do
first?” AJ asked, eyeing Baylee like he was a huge cockroach scurrying into an
open box of his favorite cereal.
“I think we
need to...” Nick’s voice trailed off. “I dunno. I guess we’ll just wait until
he cries and then we’ll feed him or change him or...whatever the hell else
you’re supposed to do.”
“You had
sisters and a brother, you oughta know what to do,” AJ mumbled.
“Well, yeah,
but that was a long time ago. I mean, I still have them, but...they’re not
little babies anymore.”
“Okay, what do
kids like? Barney and...cartoons in general, right?” Kevin asked, holding the
baby closer to his body.
“I didn’t
bring my cartoon tapes. All I’ve got with me is some porn and some videos of
Nick Carter Racing,” Nick said, reaching into his backpack to retrieve the
videos.
“Porn and
videos of your boat?” Howie muttered, a nearly scared expression written on his
face.
“Mmmhmm,” Nick mumbled.
“Neither of
those will entertain a baby, Nick.” Kevin hissed, shaking his head in
disgust.
“But some of
them will entertain us,” AJ enthused, looking over the covers of the
videos with Nick.
“Guys,” Howie
scolded. “You heard Brian - no porn!”
“Riiiiight,”
AJ replied, making mental note of this. “He knows us too well, doesn’t he?”
As if on cue,
Baylee began to wail, his arms flailing, shrill cries filling their ears.
“Holy shit!”
AJ screamed, covering his ears. “Shut the damn thing off!”
“He doesn’t
have batteries, you moron!” Howie growled.
Kevin tried to
gently rock the baby in an attempt to pacify him, but it was no use. “You think
he crapped his diaper or something?”
“Check,” AJ
replied.
“No, you
check!” Kevin said, placing Baylee onto his back on the couch.
“I’ll check,”
Nick replied. He pushed Kevin aside and approached the crying infant. Peeling
back the huge white padded diaper, he inspected the inside wearily. Nothing.
“He didn’t.”
“Oh. Then
why’s he crying?” AJ questioned.
“Maybe he’s
hungry?” Nick asked, reaching into his bag. After a quick moment of rummaging,
he pulled out a huge jaw breaker. “I’ve got something for you to eat little
guy,” Nick cooed softly to Baylee, as he lowered the candy.
“It’s as big
as his head! Do you honestly think he could eat that?” Kevin shouted,
smacking Nick’s hand away from his second cousin’s face.
The large mass
of candy flew out of Nick’s hand, hitting the floor hard, and rolling away
swiftly. The loud noise only made the wailing baby scream louder.
“Look what you
did, Kaos!” AJ scolded, smacking his back.
“What I
did? Kevin’s the one that smacked it out of my hands! It was perfectly good
candy until he got it all dirty!” Nick screamed angrily, jumping onto Kevin and
knocking him onto the floor.
“Guys,” Howie
groaned, “get off each other.”
AJ pried them
apart, forcing them to stand a few feet away from one another. Nick crossed his
arms over his chest, scowling at Kevin, who mirrored his image. The baby still
cried.
“We have to shut
him up, guys.”
“Howie, we know
that.” Nick rolled his eyes.
“Maybe he’s
hungry then? Brian mentioned feeding him, right?” AJ asked.
“Yeah. Where
would his food be?” Howie wondered.
“What do
babies eat?” Nick asked.
“Not giant jaw
breakers, that‘s for damn sure,” Kevin growled, scowling at Nick again.
“They...”
Howie paused. “Okay, Brian mentioned feeding Baylee his bottle. Where’s his
bottle at?”
“The ‘fridge?”
Nick questioned, his forehead wrinkled.
“Yeah,
probably,” Kevin mumbled softly to himself. He scurried away, walking swiftly
into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator and pulling out an already made
bottle. He returned to the living room, attempting to put the bottle into the
baby’s tiny hand.
“He can’t hold
it himself, Kevin,” Nick shook his head.
“Well I’m not
gonna hold it; my arm will get tired.”
“And Baylee’s
won’t?” Howie asked.
Nick walked
towards where Baylee lie, grabbing the bottle from Kevin. “Here little guy,” he
cooed, “you’ll like this better than my jawbreaker.” The infant’s incessant
crying came to a halt once he was securely sucking the milk from the bottle.
“Kaos, you’re
a genius,” Howie said, relieved.
“Thanks,” Nick
smiled bashfully.
For a while
everything was going very well, but of course, everything isn’t always smooth
sailing. After Baylee finished his bottle, the Boys were faced with a new
decision - burp him or let him fend for himself?
“We’re
supposed to burp him now,” Nick began, setting the empty bottle onto a nearby
table. He reached for the baby, bringing him into his arms. As gentle as
possible he began to pat on his back, awaiting a burp.
“You should
put something on your shoulder, Nick,” Kevin began. “’Cause I’ve seen my nephew
Will, and when my brother burps him, he spits up this disgusting white stuff...ugh,
it makes me sick just thinking about it,” he cringed. “Baby vomit is some down
right nasty stuff.”
“But I’m
burping him, why would that induce vomiting?”
“Did he just
say the word induce?” AJ softly whispered to Howie.
“I think he
did,” Howie responded equally as soft.
“Nick, I’m
trying to help you out by warning you...”
“No, you think
I’m too dumb to know my own.”
“What did he
say?” AJ whispered to Howie.
“Something
about being dumb.”
“I got that
much.”
“Oh.”
“I mean, he
phrased that weird, didn’t he?”
“Yeah,” AJ
replied.
“I can hear
you guys ya know,” Nick spat, patting on Baylee’s back a little harder.
They shrugged.
“Oh holy....”
AJ’s voice trailed off as the other two got a peek at the imagery making itself
known on Nick’s shirt.
“Nick, he just
lost his cookies all over you,” Kevin guffawed, making no attempt to stifle his
laughter.
“No he
didn’t.”
“Yes he did
man,” AJ added.
“Nick, we’re
looking right at it, how can you say it’s not there?” Kevin asked, rolling his
eyes.
He took a
moment to move Baylee to his free shoulder and then made an attempt to feel
around for the 'cookies' Kevin had mentioned that had been regurgitated.
“Tell me
that’s just warm hair gel I just stuck my hand in...” Nick’s voice wavered as
he slowly pulled his hand back to inspect it.
“Someone’s
been watching ‘There’s Something About Mary’...”
Sure enough...
it was not hair gel!
“I think I’m
gonna be sick,” Nick quickly sped passed the others, handing the baby to Kevin
before he made his way down the hallway.
“I told him
Baylee was gonna vomit on him...” Kevin said, holding the infant closer to him.
“Didn’t I tell him, Baylee? Yup, Second Cousin Kevin sure did...”
AJ and Howie
exchanged glances. “Second Cousin Kevin?” They both giggled mercilessly.
Nick returned
a few minutes later, shirtless and pale.
“How’d
everything come out?” AJ snorted.
“God, it’s
just like Brian threw up on me - the little butthead looks just like him... And
anyway, shouldn’t you be asking the little shit on Kev’s shoulder how
everything came out?”
“Hey!
That’s my second cousin you’re bad-mouthin’! I’ll
beat yer ass, Nick!”
“Howie, why is
it that when Kevin gets angry, his
Howie
shrugged. “I haven’t a clue.”
“Let’s just
watch something and get the little fool to sleep,” Nick suggested.
“I thought you
didn’t bring any cartoon tapes?” Kevin asked.
“I didn’t
Kevin, but that doesn’t mean Brian and Leighanne don’t have the Disney
channel!” Nick spat.
“Jeeze, Nick. Don’t get your panties in a bundle. Calm down.
Kevin did warn you about the vomit and there’s no sense in getting all pissy
about it,” AJ hissed.
Howie laughed,
“No use crying over spilled milk...”
“In this case,
regurgitated milk,” Kevin rendered as he high-fived the other two.
Nick stood
there silently. “You guys done, yet?”
“Yeah, yeah.
We’re done, dude,” AJ replied, wiping the almost non-existent tears from the
corners of his eyes.
Nick
approached the television, kneeling down to get a better view of the buttons.
“Which one do you think changes the channel?”
“The thing’s
gotta be on first,” Howie reminded him.
“Oh, right.”
He quickly pressed the power button and stepped back to see what channel it was
on.
“Jerry
Springer reruns...” Howie gawked. “You know I love Jerry Springer!”
“No, Howie...”
Kevin scolded, slowly approaching the TV with the infant still in his arms. He
bent down slightly and turned it off. “We don’t want to taint his mind at such
a young age.”
AJ giggled,
“Might end up like Nick then.”
Nick just
shrugged indifferently. “Well, if we can’t watch TV to get him to sleep, what
are we going to do?”
They exchanged
accusing glances.
No one spoke
up.
“Any
suggestions?” Kevin asked.
They continued
to exchange glances.
“No comments
from the peanut gallery today?” He asked, specifically eyeing Nick.
“Nope,” Nick
replied.
“Well, crap.
How many more hours do we have of this?” AJ asked, gazing at his watch. “It’s
almost 8:40.”
“For real?”
Nick questioned, looking at his own watch. “We’ve been fighting for over an
hour then.”
Howie took his
usual peace-maker mode. “And what have we accomplished?”
“Nothing,”
they all said in unison.
“So we’ve got
between half an hour and an hour and thirty minutes before the lovely couple
gets back, right?” Asked AJ.
“Yeah.”
“So let’s say
we not kill each other and we shock the hell out of them.”
“By not
killing each other, or by changing his diaper?” Laughed Kevin.
“Whatever
comes first.”
“Hey,” Kevin
said softly.
“What?”
“He’s asleep,”
he cooed, staring at the sound body resting peacefully in his arms.
“Aww,” Nick
happily sighed. “We actually got him to sleep.”
Kevin took the
infant upstairs to his bedroom and put him down for a nice slumber. When he
returned he found that Brian and Leighanne had already returned. “What are you
two doing home so early?”
“Well,”
started Leighanne. “We just decided that we weren’t...comfortable with
Nick being here with our son...we’ve got flammable materials around here, ya
know.”
Nick looked
hurt. “I haven’t caught anything on fire in at least two years.”
“Still,” he
shrugged. “Leighanne was worried,” Brian said, more to Nick than anyone else.
“I’m sorry dude.” Brian looked like he felt bad that he didn’t trust his
friend. “Wait, a sec....where’s your shirt?”
“Huh?” Nick
asked, looking down at his bare chest.
Leighanne
frowned. “Where the hell’s your shirt?”
“He already
asked me that, Leighanne...” Nick rolled his eyes.
“But you
didn’t answer...”
“I took it
off.”
Howie and AJ
began a giggle fit.
“I know you
took it off; but why did you?” Leighanne asked.
“Because your
son tossed his cookies all over it.”
“You gave him
cookies?!?” Brian asked, distressed with the thought of his tooth-less child
attempting to chew cookies.
“What? Who
gave him cookies?” Kevin asked, his eyebrows furrowed.
“No one gave
him cookies, you morons. It’s just an expression. Let me put it in jackass
terms: he. threw. up,” Nick replied, stressing each syllable.
“Oh,” Brian
replied, clearing his throat. “I knew that. And I wouldn’t call me a jackass if
I were you.”
“Anyways...“
Nick began, attempting to change the subject. “You didn’t trust me?” Nick
pensively asked.
“It’s not that
I don’t trust you, Nick....”
“It’s just
that you always prove you’re a moron,” AJ offered, laughing at his own joke.
“No, that’s
not it at all,” Brian defended. “You just....you had some sugar and taking that
into consideration, it just wasn’t feasible for us to leave Baylee with you
while we’ve got hairspray in the house.”
“Well, I’m not
offended or anything....” Nick crossed his arms over his chest, clearly
contradicting his statement. “I mean, I didn’t wanna baby-sit your kid anyway.
Who wants to change diapers and burp a gassy infant anyway?”
The room
filled with silence, and Nick could swear he heard crickets. Well, he probably
did...standing beside the window in a quiet situation could yield results.
“What?” He
asked.
“You didn’t
wanna baby-sit Baylee?” Brian asked.
“Nope.”
Brian laughed.
“What a relief...we didn’t want you guys babysitting him either!”
They laughed
aloud in relief.
“Do us a
favor,” AJ started.
“Anything...”
“Never ask us
to baby-sit the first Backstreet baby ever again, okay?”
“It’s a deal,”
Brian replied gladly.
***