Chapter 23
“One…two…three…CHEESE!”
The camera flashed, little Disney workers cheered and Goofy came out from
behind the prop camera to shake Nick and Ciara’s
hand. Why they treated everyone like 5 year olds, Ciara
never knew, but there it was. Weee.
“Okay,
you can pick this up at the camera store on
“Thanks.”
Whispering to Nick, “Get me out of here. It’s so sugary I may need another
shot.
Giggling,
he wrapped his arm around her and escorted his friend back outside to the
blistering late-afternoon heat.
“Did
Goofy goose ya’, Ci?”
“Oh
yeah…Goofy’s all about the goose, Aje. Where is everybody?”
“They’ll
be here. You’re early.” AJ picked up the package on the seat next to him and plopped
it on the table. “Sit.”
“You’re
all alone, Poodge? No one wanted to shop?”
“Nope.
Howie and Brian hit
“Well,
if not we’ll finally have something to ride HIS ass for. I think he’s due.”
“I
thought you guys were better, Nick.”
“Eh,
we are, but he’s still always up our asses about something. I think he’s
started makin’ shit up.”
Ciara giggled, but fell quiet. She couldn’t
get used to Nick’s language. It didn’t bother her of course…she could keep up
with the worst of sailors, but it was just weird hearing it from his mouth. He
was growing up and she wasn’t quite sure how she felt about it. She’d been
watching it happen for 5 years now, but for some reason this visit, this trip
he seemed so markedly different. Not in a bad way, but…he wasn’t a little boy
anymore…he wasn’t her Nicky. And it felt weird.
“Speak
of the devil…”
“Hey…Ciara…wow, uh…I didn’t know you’d, um…how have you been?”
Well,
that was smooth, Linds. Ciara pulled out the face she
reserves for her family, the one with the plastered smile always at the ready,
and looked up to her “friend.” “I’m going good, Linds. You?”
“Good…good.
So, uh…you came out of surgery okay, I take it.”
“No,
actually, this is Ciara’s ghost. She died.” Cue fake
smile.
Nick
almost spit pop across the table, with AJ ready with cross-fire. God, women
were great. AJ got Nick’s attention and mouthed, “Cat fight.”
Nick
glared at him, but was smiling through it. Ci could
be a bitch, no doubt, but this could get interesting. He wondered if he could
sell tickets.
Lindsey
immediately blushed. “Well, I know you…I mean…I’m sorry I didn’t make it to the
hospital to see you. If that’s what you’re upset about…”
“Forget
it Linds. I’ve learned who I can lean on and who I can’t. Thanks for helping me
figure that out.” She stood, wanting to go find something to eat and get the
HELL out of here. “So, what’s good to eat around here, fellas? I’m getting
hungry.”
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
“Hey
Kev! Pass those beans, man!” Family buffet was definitely interesting with
these guys. They ate enough for 5 families. Ciara
wasn’t even sure she ever had food on her plate. All she saw were bowls and
platters getting passed back and forth in front of her. She felt full,
but between their constant refills and the tension with Lindsey, it wasn’t the
most relaxing dining experience.
She’d
definitely had plenty to drink though and a bathroom break was in order. She
excused herself from the table and hoped that Lindsey wouldn’t follow her. They
needed to talk, there was no question, but now was not the time. Not in front
of Kevin; not in front of Nick. And it seemed Lindsey didn’t want to talk
anyway. She’d made an ass of herself picking a Backstreet Boy over her friend.
Why talk about it?
As
Ciara returned to the table she had “that feeling”
she was the topic of discussion. A warning from within told her to approach
with caution. Lindsey leaned over to Nick. Ciara
strained to hear. She should have stayed in the bathroom longer.
“So,
what the hell is up with Ciara’s eyes, Nick? She
looks like that old actor…what’s his name? Marty Feldman. With the bug eyes.”
“I
really don’t know, Lindsey. I never ask.”
“What
kind of friend doesn’t ask?”
“I
don’t know, Linds. What kind of friend doesn’t visit her when she’s had
life-threatening surgery?”
“Never
mind that. I mean, she looks ridiculous. Haven’t you wondered?”
“Ridiculous?
God. What is your problem?”
“I
don’t have one, Nick. I just…I mean. I just thought you’d know why she looks
that way.”
“I
don’t, but yeah…I do wonder…and worry. I dunno.” He shrugged and looked down at
his plate. He’d never been horribly uncomfortable at her ill health before.
What the hell? “Sometimes I’m afraid to know. So I don’t ask.”
Brian
perked up at that admission. He’d noticed her eyes, too. They all had. But no
one wanted to draw attention to it. Normally her health issues were invisible,
but this one was obvious. “Why are you afraid, Nick? She’s one of your best
friends.”
“Yeah,
she is. But, I just…it’s so bad sometimes. I’m afraid I can’t handle it. So, if
I don’t know, then…” He tossed his napkin on the table, uncomfortable with his
own admission. “I, uh…I’m gonna wait outside. How much do I owe for this?” He
got up and reached in his pocket to retrieve some cash.
“I’ve
got it…put it away, Nick.” Ciara tossed two twenties
on the table and stormed out of the restaurant. She’d been waiting for this.
She was finally alone. Completely. Lindsey fled. Now? Now Nick had too.
She
found an unoccupied bench to land on and did so with a thud. Burying her face
in her hands, she started a flood of emotion that came with such force, she was
sure she was drawing more attention to herself then had she just stayed in the
restaurant. At this point, it really didn’t matter. Just so Nick or Lindsey
didn’t come out to try and console her she’d be okay.
And
they didn’t. Lindsey was too…hard? Seemed to be. Turned off to the whole scene.
Nick was just too mortified. He had slunk back down in his seat, realizing he’d
just single-handedly ripped Ciara’s heart right out
of her. No one said anything at the table. They’d all sinned in a strange way.
By talking, by not talking, by assuming.
It
was Howie who stood first and quietly walked out of the building to find their
friend. He’d seen his sister in pain before, although the diseases were
different. Or were they? Sometimes he swore what he saw in Ciara
was similar to what he saw in Caroline. His eyes landing on the crying girl, he
walked over to her slowly, not wanting to startle her.
“Ciara…can I sit down here with you?”
Howie?
Wow. They’d never talked too much…Howie came out? Okay. She looked up from her
tears and smiled meekly. “Yeah…I’m not much company, but go ahead.”
“That’s
okay. They’re not much company in there now either. I think I’d rather be with
you.”
“Don’t
bet on it. I’m scary.” The last word was said with dripping sarcasm, spooky
gestures and all. At least it got her sitting upright again, and trying to put
a smile on her face. Sob scene over anyway.
“Nick
didn’t mean that, Ci…he loves you.”
“He
loves me when I’m well. I’m not well a majority of the time, Howie.”
“I
don’t agree with that, but I can see how you’d feel that way after what he
said. He is awful young to be dealing with some of the things he’s seen with
you, you know?”
“Yeah,
he is. And he’s never complained or acted scared before. Why now?”
“I
can’t answer that. I really think your problem is Lindsey, not Nick.”
“Lindsey
can kiss my ass.”
“She’s
too busy kissing Kevin’s at the moment, I’m afraid.”
“No
kidding. Does she even KNOW he fucks everything with a hole?”
Howie’s
eyes bugged out of his head and he couldn’t help but laugh. Ciara
was nothing if not blunt. He liked that in a woman…in a friend. “Um, I’m
thinking not. Why don’t you go in and tell her? I don’t think that table has
enough tension as it is.”
She
had to smile. That would be a good scene wouldn’t it? Chuckling, she decided
against it. Only one bitch was needed at the moment. Let Lindsey take it. She
was so good at it. “Nah, she’ll learn soon enough. And you know what’s gonna
happen?”
“What?”
“She’s
gonna come running to me. I’ll get to clean up the mess.”
“You’d
do that?”
“Yep.
I’m a sap.”
“No,
you’re incredible. I’d tell her to go screw herself.”
“See,
that’s the thing, Howie. She already is screwing herself. She just doesn’t know
it yet. She needs someone there when that finally dawns on her.”
“And
that someone will be you?”
“Probably.
If she’ll have me, I’ll be there.”
“And
what about Nick?”
“Nick?
Well, he’s obviously not been real honest with me on how he feels about my
illnesses. About what he wants to know and what he doesn’t. Maybe I’ve just
told him too much.”
“Maybe.
Hard to say.”
“So,
for now, I’ll just keep more to myself. Let him just see and enjoy me well.
That’s what he wants and since we see each other so rarely, that’s what he
deserves. I can be well with him. It’s not such a bad thing.”
“I
guess not. It’s just not always honest. Friendship can’t last on dishonesty.”
“Not
dishonesty. Just not the complete truth.”
“So
who lets you be you, Ci? Who lets you be sick?”
“Right
now, Howie, I have no idea.”
“Okay,
I’ll audition…I’m used to this with my sister.” He sat up straight and put on a
“proper” face…formal. “So, Ciara? Your eyes don’t
look like they normally do. Is something going on?”
Ciara smiled. A simple question hours ago
just like that is all it would have taken for any of them to get an honest
answer and a much more enjoyable evening meal. “Okay, Mr. Dorough, it’s hard to
explain. It’s from retinopathy. I’ve had surgery for it before, but it’s out of
control now.”
“What’s
retinopathy?”
“The
blood vessels in my eyes swell and sometimes bleed. Usually they zap ‘em with
lasers, which I’ve had done. But now the swelling is really bad. They want to
do something more drastic.”
“What
causes the swelling?”
“Bad
blood sugar control basically. Lots of scientific mumbo-jumbo, but that’s the
bottom line. I just can’t keep it controlled no matter what I do.”
“So,
what’s the surgery?”
“This
is gross…”
“I
can take it.”
“They
want to shave part of my facial bones a bit…to just allow room for the
swelling. Then, I won’t be so bug eyed. They can’t stop it, so they might as
well allow room for it.”
“Dear
God, Ci…” Maybe he couldn’t take it. He looked away
imagining the pain that would cause. Would it change her appearance? Should he
ask?
“You
gonna walk away now, too, Howie?” She put her hand on his thigh, somehow
knowing he wouldn’t. Hoping he wouldn’t anyway.
“No.
I’m not.” He turned back to look at her, realizing it really didn’t matter if
it changed her appearance. Just so it didn’t change her. “And Ci? Nick won’t either. It just sounds awful.”
“What’s
really awful is that I can’t even close my eyes completely now…even to sleep.
And they’re so dry they won’t even tear up right. Did you see how dry my face
was when you came out here?”
“Well,
yeah…now that you mention it.”
“Yup.
Day to day tears aren’t coming either. I’ve had to sneak into the bathroom all
day to put drops in. Just didn’t want to answer a lot of questions.”
“So
this will help all of that?”
“Should.
Seems like a band-aid cure, but they’ve done it before and it’s helped others,
so I’m willing to do it. LAST surgery for a long time for me though. I’m sick
of it.”
“I
can’t imagine.”
“And
Howie?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t
tell Nick. Just…let him be a boy. Let him be my fun boy for now. My escape from
all of this, okay?”
“Sure.
If you think that’s best.”
“I
don’t know if it is, but that’s what feels right now. I hate to think I’ve
scared him. Makes me sick.”
“He’s
okay, Ciara. You’ve taught him how to be caring to
others who might be hurting. He’s a neat young man.”
“Yeah,
he is, isn’t he?”
“He’s
also a twit.” He winked at her and pulled her in for a hug. “I’m so glad he
brought you into our circle though. Sick, healthy, whatever.”
She
laid her head on his shoulder and just enjoyed the warmth of his arms. The
security she felt there. She’d never had a brother before and although Nick
kind of fit that bill, Howie’s presence now as an older brother was just what
the doctor ordered.
***
