Chapter 31
Ciara peeked her head out of the bathroom,
drying her hair with a towel. “Did I just hear? Yep…BILL! Can you get that
please…it’s my cell!” She hoped he could hear her and knew where she’d put the
thing. She surely didn’t.
Down
the hall of her apartment, she could hear him stumbling over the cat and
yelping at it. Her cat hated no one. No one but Bill. She was always under
foot, always hissing at him, scratching him…it would have been comical had he
not been such a jerk about it. Patience with animals was not one of his
personality traits.
“Hang
on. Here she is.” Handing the phone to her, “It’s some dude. Nick?”
“OH!”
She tossed the towel onto the toilet and clamored up on her bed before taking
the phone. “Thanks…I’ll be out in a bit.”
“You
want me to leave?”
“Well,
the room, yeah…jeez, Bill. I’ll be out shortly.” She fanned him away with her
hand, rolling her eyes at his possessiveness. “Nicky! Where are you, baby?”
“
“Yeah,
Lindsey told me guys are just kickin’ it up there. Congrats on the single, too.
I’m so proud of you guys.”
“Yeah,
thanks. It’s all overwhelming, that’s for sure.”
“No
kidding…hey, I don’t want to eat up your phone bill. What’s up?”
I
have a crush on you, Ci and wanted to see if you felt
the same. “I just wanted to check in with you after your surgery.
Everything go okay?”
“Yeah.
It really did. I’m still a bit blurry and ouchy but I
go back to work tomorrow.”
“Good.
I wish I could have been there.”
“Aw,
it’s okay. I had some visitors. Lindsey even showed up.”
“Miracles
never cease.” Silence. The nervous variety. “So, uh…Ci?”
“Yeah?”
She wanted a Nicky hug. Now. Dammit.
“Who’s
the dude?”
“The
DUDE?” Bill a dude…okay. That made her giggle. Which made her face hurt. Which
made her lay down. Ugh. Work was gonna suck. “The DUDE is Bill.”
“Bill?”
“Bill.
Yes. He’s the uncle of a patient, and uh…yeah.” Why was explaining a boyfriend
suddenly so damned difficult?
“Ah,
cool…you happy?”
Happiness
is relative, isn’t it? She wasn’t alone. And he thought she was pretty, which
made her feel special. And…and… “Yes, Nick. I’m happy.”
“That’s
all that matters then.” Silence again. What the hell?
“Is
your mom joining you again soon?”
“Yeah.
Bringing Aaron. I guess Dad’s gonna stay with the girls. You really should go
see them, Ci.” Because if you do, then I feel
closer to you somehow.
“Once
I get back into the swing of things again, I will. I miss them.”
“Me
too.”
“Yeah…”
Third time. Silence. “Um, Nick…are you okay, hon?”
“No.”
Oops. Too fast. “Yeah, I’m just…I miss home. I miss you. I…I’m tired, I guess.”
“We
miss you too, sweetie. You have to kick some ass up there first though.”
“Yeah,
we’re doin’ that alright.”
“When
will you be home?”
“January.
Couple months yet.”
“You’ve
been gone forever. I probably won’t even recognize you.”
“Oh,
I don’t know about that! Will, uh…I mean…how about you with that surgery and
all?”
“Will
it change my looks? Nah, I just won’t have Marty Feldman eyes anymore.”
“Oh…yeah…Cici, I’m so sorry about that who-“
“Stop.
Now. Over and we already talked about it. Just go bust some Canadian ass and
come home, okay?”
“Okay.
Go, uh…bust some Bill ass or something.” God. Bill. He sounded boring as hell.
God
she missed the kid. “Yeah, I’ll do that. Thanks for callin’.”
They
both hung up having so much more to say and not finding one English word to use
to say it. There weren’t words for how they were feeling. She had Bill
now and she didn’t want Nick THAT way anyway…he was 16, almost 17…just a boy in
so many, many ways. But, something was different. She just had no clue what it
was. And it picked at her brain and heart. A lot.
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
“Amen.”
The small crowd echoed the final word of the pastor and slowly dispersed from
the tent. Ciara stayed at her place in the back,
waiting for the family to finish with their final good-bye’s. This was the
first funeral she’d been to for a patient. She was hoping it’d be her last.
Dying children were hard enough to deal with, but knowing the family and
watching them grieve that death was something entirely different.
Joshua’s
mom appeared out of the tent first, scanning the crowd and smiling when her
eyes landed on Ciara. She carefully made her way
over, trying to keep her heels from digging into the soft soil of the ground.
Why was the grass at cemeteries always soft and almost muddy?
“Ciara. Thank you so much for coming today. For being such
an important part of Joshua’s life…he really loved you.” She pulled Ciara in for a hug, still in shock that her son’s lifelong
battle was finally over.
“Well,
he was a special boy. You and Mr. Hayes loved him so he could fight with
courage.” Ciara pulled back from the embrace and
softly touched the older woman’s face. Joshua had fought long and hard and finally,
just days earlier, he told Ciara that he was tired.
He was sick of seeing his mom worry and wanted to go home…wherever that was.
Two hours later, he had died.
As
the two women shared their quiet moment, Bill walked up to the scene and slid
an arm around Ciara’s waist. “You ready? We’ve got
food back at the house.”
“Yeah,
let’s go.”
The
limo ride was quiet. Everyone had thoughts of their own, to be sure, but for
now they were kept inside. The gathering at the Hayes’ home was no different.
Quiet, subdued. When mourning the loss of an adult, there were always so many
stories to tell, so many people who could tell them. But when mourning the loss
of a child who had spent most of his life in a hospital there was not much to
say. Not much to laugh about. Finally, Ciara couldn’t
take it anymore.
“Bill,
I need to go home now. Do you have a car here?”
“Yeah,
but…I’m not ready to go yet.”
“Well,
can you take me and come back? I just…I need…I just need to go.”
“Whatever,
yeah. Come on.”
He
pulled the car into a parking spot near her apartment door and just sat there.
No move to get out. No offer of…what did Ciara want
anyway? Compassion? Maybe he was too busy grieving himself to see how this was
wracking her up. Although, to be honest, once Bill and Ciara
had started dating, his visits to the hospital had dwindled to almost nothing.
And when he was there, he was detached and unfeeling. Pulling away before the
inevitable or just being an ass? She couldn’t tell.
“You
coming in?”
“No,
you said I could go back. What are you planning on doing with the rest of your
day?”
“Embrace
life. I’m gonna go see the Carter’s I think. Hug on the little ones for a bit.”
“God…them.
Alright. Is that Nick kid home? You seem to miss him enough.” Bill rolled his
eyes at the thought. She was always online now looking into that lame group he
was in, finding out what they were doing on their tour. Made him sick.
“No,
Nick is not home…he comes home in a few weeks. You know…jealousy over a
teenaged boy is very unbecoming. Get over yourself. Your presence in my life
will not change our friendship.”
“Even
if I don’t like him?”
“Yes,
even if you don’t like him. I don’t need your approval for my friends, Bill.”
He
simply glared at her. Somehow the southern gentleman she’d met in the hospital
four months prior had been replaced by a controlling, rude, selfish man. But
yet, when he wanted to, he treated her like a queen. It was just a matter of
figuring out when he wanted to and cashing in on that. It seemed to be coming
less and less often.
“You
getting out, or what?”
“I’m
out…Jesus. Thanks for the ride. You have an interview tomorrow?”
“Yeah.
I’ll let you know.”
And
that was that. No kiss. No smile. No…it was like her dad dropping her off at
school or something. Hell, Dad even offered a smile and a “have a good day, Cici.” What was going wrong here? And why was she
voluntarily tolerating it? Sex, if they even had it, was…well, to quote Deanna,
“even bad sex is good, Cici,” and this was true. So,
yeah. Sex was good. Bad-good. Boring good? Both, sadly.
But
yet, when they were out, he treated her well. They’d frequent small bars and
his hand was always on the small of her back, showing his pride at having her
by his side. He’d come home with small gifts. He didn’t seem to mind when seeing
all of her physical maladies came into play. Sure, he was still unemployed, but
he was trying…or so she thought. He’d disappear all day and come back with a
tale of his interviews.
And
for now, it was better than she’d had in a long time. She longed for a
gentleman. A man of integrity. A man who could get down and dirty behind closed
doors and still take out the trash, kiss her when she didn’t feel well and
bring home a respectable pay check. He had some of that…somewhere…sometimes.
Didn’t he?
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
Home.
He was finally home. Nick had always dreamed of performing, traveling, singing,
dancing ,touring, but being away from home so much? He could NEVER have dreamed
how hard it would be. What made it even more difficult was whenever they were
“home” now, it seemed they were still working. This time it was to record.
Again. And they only had about a month to do it in. Record, visit friends,
relax. He was beginning to feel like he couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think.
Celebrity was all happening so fast. They’d even won a phone-in-vote for the
MTV Europe Awards. MTV for God’s sake!
And
yet, here he was, walking freely in an apartment parking lot, right next to a
busy grocery store and no one knew him. No one cared who this tall blonde
boy/man was. He couldn’t have done that in
He
hadn’t called first, but knew from conversations with his mom that Ciara was off work. He couldn’t wait to see her, to tell
her all about their travels. He’d seen so much. So often he’d thought, “If Cici were here, we could…” and finish the sentence
differently every time. Phone calls and emails were so shallow, but he had a
hunch that would be the basis of their relationship for a long time to come. Or
so he hoped. Not the lack of contact, but that they would have continued
success.
Ciara had gotten up from bed only to take
her meds and grab some juice. She was not expecting, or frankly wanting any
company. Not now, thank you. When she heard the knock on her door, her first
instinct was to ignore it. Bill would just walk in, Deanna would forgive her
and Mom…ick. Who needed it? Maybe it was a vacuum cleaner sales man and he was
cute? She looked like shit. No.
Throwing
back the last of her juice, she swung the door open with no regard to who it
was. Some days it just didn’t pay to care.
“Hey!
I’m home!” Nick flung his arms open and stopped cold looking at her,
um…interesting state of undress…dress…whatever. “Ci?
You’re…you’re, uh…”
“I’m
sick.” Add a pout to any outfit and it’d be adorable. Or more so. She smiled
through her pout and pulled him inside, following his gaze down her
ridiculously clad body. “Like the outfit? I picked it out just for you.”
“Um…”
He looked her up and down again, suddenly forgetting all about the hug he’d
longed for for so many months. Bed head deluxe…with a
new short haircut. He missed the long curls already. A completely torn up and
faded over-sized t-shirt covered her body just to the right spot. And
wasn’t that HIS t-shirt? Where did she…never mind. And her feet. He couldn’t
keep in the giggle on those. Mouse slippers. Fuzzy gray mouse slippers complete
with pink ears, pink tongue and yes…whiskers. Just as Nick’s eyes landed on the
slippers, her cat romped into the room and started batting at the whiskers as
if to show them off to her guest. “I guess I should have called first.”
“I
wouldn’t have answered. Almost didn’t answer the door. Mind hugging a sicky?” She held her arms out, empty glass still in hand.
How could he resist?
“Nah…come
here.” He pulled her in for the long awaited hug, smiling as her fuzzy head
tickled his chin when he bent down. “What’s wrong with you anyway?” Kissing the
top of her head, he pulled back and looked in her eyes. They were dark and
tired looking.
“Just…I
mean, listen to me.” Snort. Sniff. “I’m all stuffed up. My ears are having a
pool party without inviting me. I feel like shit.” What the hell do they feed
them in
“Well,
you look like shit, too. You gonna invite me in, or do I get to stand here all
day?”
“Come
on, smarty. I wanna hear all about your trip. All about the girls, the shows,
the sights…everything.” While talking, she took her glass to the kitchen,
shuffling her mice slippers as she went. Nick followed, trying to keep his eyes
on her head, or her back, or her…wait a minute. There were boxes everywhere.
Moving boxes. What the…
“Ci…hang on.” She was still rambling a mile a minute and
didn’t hear him. She opened the refrigerator and pulled out a can of Coke for
her guest, tossing it to him and offering the first smile of her…week? Had it
been that long? “Ci. Stop.”
“What!?”
She looked at him impatiently, only wanting to get her tired, sick ass back in
bed.
Gesturing
all around him, and eyes wide open, “Boxes. Lots of ‘em…what’s going on, Ci?”
“Oh,
yeah…that.” She looked down, unable to meet his eyes. “Come on. I need to lay
down. We’ll talk in here.” She took hold of his hand and pulled him to her
bedroom, climbing up on the bed without concern for the undies flash she’d just
given him.
Jesus.
Satin, blue…he thought he was going to die. Adjusting himself quickly before
she turned around and noticed, he plastered a fake smile on his face wondering
how in the hell he’d ended up in a bedroom with an unmade bed, a beautiful,
scantily clad woman and now…god…now a beautiful, scantily clad woman who was
patting the empty spot of the bed next to her in invitation. “Ci…I, uh…maybe I should…this isn’t a good time. You’re
sick.”
“Bullshit.
I have all the time in the world. I just need to lay down. Come on…hop up here
with me.” Clueless. She was completely clueless. Or was she? He hadn’t seen
that look in her eyes before. What did it mean? Did she even know? Maybe it was
because she was just sick.
Next
thing Nick knew he had kicked off his shoes and was sitting propped up on her
pillows and headboard. She pulled the blankets over his legs and curled up to
his chest, allowing his arm to drape around her uncomfortably. She obviously
had no idea what she was doing to him, or was so tired and crappy feeling, she
just didn’t care. Kissing her head lightly, he searched deep and wide for his
voice and finally found it after taking a huge gulp of air. “So, uh…Ci…boxes. You gonna talk?”
“Oh
yeah,” she snuggled in closer, wanting to hold on to what she knew was true and
real and…and right? Yes, this was right. As wrong as it was, there was
something very right about being in her friend’s arms like this. “Well, you
see…I’m moving.”
“I
kinda figured…”
“Yeah,
and uh…to
“Tenness-…when?”
“Two
weeks.”
“Two
wee-? But…I mean…why
“Well,
um, that’s where Bill’s from, and uh…”
“Oh…”
The hand that had been so sweetly rubbing her shoulder stopped and flopped to
the pillow behind her. They’re getting married. Here it comes.
“Well,
you see…” She sat up, needing to have his eyes for this one. She needed
reassurance she was doing the right thing. Hopefully, even though he was young
and inexperienced at love, he could understand and give that to her. “…Bill
can’t seem to find work here, but his dad found something for him back home,
so…he asked me to move up there with him.”
“And
you’re just gonna dump your job here…your life here and go?”
“Well,
yeah. If you want to look at it that way, yeah. I can easily get another
nursing job there. He lives 5 minutes away from a hospital and they have
openings in pedes and gen med.”
“Gen
med?”
“Sorry…general
medical floors. I’d hate it, but it’ll be a foot in the door. Anyway, so, I’m
going and, uh…”
“Hang
on…gimme your hand.” She’d had her arm wrapped around his waist while snuggled
up to him, but when she sat up he could swear he saw…no. No, no, no, no, no,
no!
“Oh,
yeah, there’s more to the story.” She held out her left hand to him and watched
as his gaze lowered to the small chip of a diamond mounted on a silver band.
“He asked me to marry him. I’m getting married, Nick.”
“I
see that.” He slowly brought his gaze up to her green eyes, darkened with
sickness and…sadness? Why weren’t her eyes dancing? She was getting married.
Sick or not, those strands of green and yellow should be bouncing off the
walls. But they weren’t. Dark. Dismal. He felt like he’d been kicked in the
gut. In the balls. In the heart. He felt like he just might throw up.
“Yeah…I
move in two weeks and in two months, I’m getting married.”
“I’ll
be gone again.”
Why
wasn’t he happy for her? He was supposed to be reassuring her here and he
wasn’t. He almost looked like he could cry. No. That was absurd. “I know. We’re
coming back here though for the wedding, so…I mean…you could...you’ll be gone.”
She lowered her gaze again, realizing he couldn’t even be at her wedding. There
was no way. “I’m sorry, Nick. I didn’t even think about the timing with your
schedule.”
“Are
you thinking at all, Ci? You don’t seem very happy
about this.”
“I
don’t know what else to do.”
“Since
when are you out of options? And since when does someone get married
because they don’t know what else to do!?”
And
since when did a teenager get so damned logical and sensible? “Well, I mean, he
loves me, and…it was upsetting Mom and Dad that I move up there without being
married, so…”
“Wait,
wait, wait. You’re getting married to please your
parents??? What the hell, Ci!”
“No,
I’m getting married because…because…” Why the hell am I getting married
again? I keep forgetting.
“Because
you love him? Please tell me you love him, Ci.” I
don’t want to hear it, but please tell me. He found the underside of her
chin with his finger and lifted her face to his. This he had to see with his
own eyes, not her fumbling, disjointed words.
“Of
course, I mean…yeah…” She couldn’t look at him anymore. She took his finger
from her chin and kissed it, curling back up to his chest, hoping somehow this
conversation could just dwindle down and disappear.
And
it did. Sort of. “Okay. Congratulations then. You’re getting married.” Woopie.
He
brought his free hand up to rub her shoulder again, and kissed her head…it was
all he’d ever get, he figured, so might as well make the best of it. She was
getting married. And leaving. And he was so afraid. And so was she…and he knew
it, and somehow him knowing her fear brought her great comfort.
***
