Chapter 45
Ciara walked all the way in the room,
wondering if he was really asleep or just playing possum. He couldn't have been
here that long.
So,
they'd kissed. Just a kiss, right? Ciara had wanted
it to be a big disappointment. Something they could look back on and laugh.
"Remember when we thought we'd give it a go…it was like kissing my
brother/sister!" Ha. Ha. Tee. Hee.
Unfortunately,
it was nothing like that. Her heart hadn't raced that fast since…since…since
she didn't think it ever had. He knew her in a way no one else did and instead
of making it a sibling familiarity, it only brought intimacy. She was
frightened by it. Not only because she was married, but because the intimacy of
it all was too much for her. She didn't want to be that vulnerable to him. To
anyone. Their flirtatious friendship was just fine, thank you very much.
Add
to that, she was afraid the friendship would never be the same. They'd ruined
it. They'd dirtied it. Marred it. Messed with a perfect formula. She'd run out
of the hotel and found a small alley to retreat to, ignoring the cold air, yet
relieved when AJ found her not too many moments later. When he did, all she
could do was sob in his arms. He'd seen the whole thing unfold and stood amazed
when Nick and Ciara's lips finally touched. If only
he could find someone who knew him as she knew Nick. He was jealous, curious
and now, just wanting it to be right for them.
They
didn't talk long. She just wanted to stay outside long enough for Nick to give
up and go to bed. It appeared as though she timed it right. She quietly made
her way into her room, kissing AJ on the cheek and thanking him for being the
one person who'd listen to her about this. No judgment. No pushing. No
questions. She didn't know what she'd do without him, especially this night.
After quickly washing herself for bed and changing into another one of Nick's
raggedy old t-shirts, she tried to go to sleep.
Okay,
so she only tried for 15 minutes. On her final flop over to the other side of
the bed, trying to make it feel smaller, she noticed the connecting door was
still open from when he picked her up earlier in the night. He either wasn't
back yet or had simply fallen straight in bed, unaware of their continued
connection. Surely he didn't want to deal with her anymore tonight. He had to
be so angry. So hurt. So confused.
She
closed her eyes trying to ignore it and too tired to go close it. As her body
relaxed, her eyes would snap open, imagining him standing over her begging with
his eyes like he had the night before. She'd slam her eyes closed again and the
scene would repeat itself. Finally, she caved. She had to see him. Had to feel
him. Had to…she had to get to him.
So
there she stood, watching him sleep, wanting nothing more than to slide into
the bed next to him, wrap her arms around him and hold it all away. Make it
right again. But she feared the more contact now, the more confusing morning
would be. "Welcome to adulthood, Nicky. I've really screwed it up for
you." She whispered her thoughts, finding herself at his bedside, running
a hand through his silken hair.
He
was truly asleep. But not deeply. His eyes fluttered open and he looked up at
her smiling at the dream. It couldn't be her. She'd run away from him. He was
probably the joke of the night. He'd seen her talking to AJ, saw them giggling
in the darkness outside the hotel. With tears stinging his eyes at his
stupidity, he ran to his room, stripped down to his skivvies and went to bed,
falling quickly asleep. He'd lost her. He just knew it.
"Hey…I
can't sleep."
He
rolled on his back trying to wake up completely. Surely he was still dreaming.
Rubbing his eyes and looking to the voice, he sat up with a start when he
realized she was really there. "Cici…I'm so…I'm
sorry." He took hold of her hands and pulled her down for a hug. He still
wasn't completely awake or aware of the reality of the moment. He was in a fog,
but wanted to grab at it, even if it was just a dream.
"Mmm…nothing
to apologize for." She pulled back, brushing his hair back into place,
searching his eyes for answers she knew wouldn't be there. They were both lost
and confused. "I just couldn't sleep and saw our door still open…I'm sorry
to wake you."
"It's
okay. I thought…" he ran his hand over his head from back to front and
finally saw her completely. "I thought I'd lost you."
"No.
Never. I'm confused. And I'm…tired. I just want to go to sleep right now."
Without
a word, he looked to the empty side of his bed and pulled the blankets back.
"Come sleep."
She
slid into the bed with him and they turned back to back, just like the night
before. Her foot made the same path to his calf that it had and they shimmied a
bit closer, bumping bottoms and settling into the center of the bed. Warm.
Comfortable. Peaceful. Asleep.
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
|
C:
How's the weather down there, girl? Deanna:
For shit. Tornadoes are all over C:
Should you be online? D:
Eh, I'm okay. A little shock is good for me. C:
LOL…so, how have you been? Feels like it's been forever, D:
That's b/c it has been. Where have you been? C:
D:
His? Bet Bill was thrilled. C:
Oh yeah. Forget that the "he" is 18…been a friend forever. No
biggie. D:
Well that's good. |
Keep
trying to convince yourself, Ci. No biggie.
Big
biggie.
She
ached to be with Nick again. She ached to make triple sure everything was okay.
She was the one who woke up feeling guilty in the night this time and snuck
back to her room. The goodbye was subdued and tense. She hated it. Now, almost
a month later, and she'd not heard from him at all. Her heart was breaking, her
marriage was falling apart and she had no one around to talk to about it. And,
as usual when life was stressful, her health was in the toilet. Nothing new,
just nothing good. High blood sugar. Low blood sugar. Colds and viruses that
would not go away. Aches and pains to greet her every day. Missed work. Fights
with Bill. Lies from Bill. She felt like Rose in Titanic…which she ran to go see
again and again as an escape. "I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a
crowded room screaming and no one will look up." Yep. No one would look up
because no one would ever begin to have a clue.
|
D:
You there? C:
Yeah, sorry. Got distracted. D:
Can't do what? C:
My life. I can't do it anymore. D:
Stop talking like that, Ci. You can do it. C:
Okay, let me rephrase. I don't want to do this anymore. D:
So, what are you going to do? C:
I could forget to take my shot once or twice. D:
I'm not laughing. C:
Neither am I. D:
Hang up now. I'm calling you. C:
Don't. I'll be okay. D:
Hang up. I mean it. Either do that or open your door in about 3 hours cuz I'm
flying in. C:
Hanging up…I can't deal with your skanky face right now. D:
Love you C:
Bye. |
So
But
talking helped. Always did. And Ciara knew she had
some changes to make and soon. How she'd follow through with it all was beyond
her. But somehow, with Deanna's support, even with her families warped support,
she'd do it. She knew she could. Somehow.
******~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~
|
N:
Is that really you? C:
Yeah, it's really me. |
Damn,
she missed him. She'd heard of all the work they'd done for the Tornado Relief
Effort in
|
N:
I miss you. C:
You have no idea. N:
Probably do…how are you feeling? C:
Up and down. Good days and bad days. |
Silence.
He had no idea what to say. Just knew that he missed her like mad and wanted
everything to be like it used to be. Or not. Just better.
|
C:
Where are you now? N:
N:
We tape an unplugged concert tonight C:
Oh yeah? That sounds wonderful N:
I'm a wreck. Just had a few minutes here so I thought I'd do something to
keep me from bouncing off the walls. C:
Yeah, I bet. Is it for a whole arena? N:
Nope, just a small theater. It'll be neat. We've got a choir backing us up,
some strings, the band. No DAT's though. No
computer shit. C:
Wish I could hear that… N:
You'll be able to. They're taping it. C:
I'll get my own special copy as usual? *big grin N:
Of course C:
Good. |
Yuck.
Small talk. This sucked. Sucked rocks. Big fat hairy rocks.
|
C:
Got a girlfriend? N:
Huh? C:
You "heard" me. N:
Um…not sure? C:
You don't know? N:
No. I mean, no…I'm not sure. C:
Mmmkay… N:
Ciara, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to mess everything
up. C:
You didn't, Nick. You weren't there by yourself you know. N:
True… C:
Look, we'll talk in person and work this out. I'm confused about so many
things right now and frankly, kissing you is only one small piece of the
puzzle. N:
Can I tell you something? C:
Anything. Anytime. I don't ever want that to change. N:
I really liked it. |
She
hadn't smiled this big since…since AJ made her admit the same thing that night.
He'd tormented it right out of her. Brat.
|
N:
Ci? C:
I did too, Nick. |
No
way. Oh. Wow. She? Why the HELL was he in
|
C:
How's that for true confessions? N:
Yeah… N:
Ci, I hate to do this, but Kevin's on my ass. I gotta
go. C:
Glad you caught me here. I could use one of your hugs right now. N:
Me too. I'll sing for you tonight, huh? C:
You do that. Hopefully I'll see you soon, Nick. |
And
he was off. With only the motion of her mouse, she clicked the messaging program
off, signed off line, turned off her monitor and left the room. She needed to
run. To flee. Somewhere. Shopping. Of course. Throwing on jeans and a t-shirt,
she grabbed her purse, jotted a note to Bill and flew out of the door. Out. She
needed to get out. More out of here than she really could muster at the moment,
but out shopping was good enough for now. This could never work. Never. But
what her life was now wasn't working either. Change. Imminent change. It scared
her. It excited her. It made her buy $300 worth of shoes. Shit.
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
Grateful
for the new, incredibly trendy and cute tennies she
was sporting, Ciara made her way to the predesignated meeting location. Typically this was not the
place for nerves, but she was a wreck. She saw her companion, and made her way
to him, kissing his cheek softly and offering a shy smile.
"Thanks
so much for doing this, sweetie."
"He'll
be thrilled to see you. I wish I had a camera."
"Well,
I'm glad you don't. This may backfire."
Another
slight hug and he led her back behind another door. Places the average customer
here never got to go. This was kinda cool.
"Okay,
let's see if we can find the twerp."
They
snooped around, talking to people they knew, meeting a few they didn't and
finally, when she was beginning to think she had been hood-winked, she saw him.
With his arm around a brunette. Urgh.
"Girlfriend?"
"Yeah…but,
Ci…don't worry about it. Seriously."
"He
deserves one. This is not a bad thing." So she didn't completely believe
it herself. Yet she did. He deserved someone and someone deserved him. Right
now was not the time for them and she knew it.
"Okay,
I'm ready."
"I'll
just leave you here. I gotta change for the show."
"Thanks,
AJ. I really can't thank you enough."
"Someday
this will all make sense. That's when you can thank me." Another soft kiss
to her cheek and he was off.
She
stood there in the middle of the backstage area and just watched for awhile. He
was comfortable with this girl, but it wasn't horribly serious yet, she could
tell. She was his age. Kinda pretty. Skinny assed thing. He spoke to her
casually and kissed her cheek much as AJ had just kissed Ciara's.
Her heart skipped a beat. Jealousy? No way.
He
walked away from the girl toward Ciara, not looking
up. Time to get changed she figured, starting to mentally prepare for the show.
Just as she was afraid she'd better move or he was going to plow right into
her, he looked up and stopped. Dead. His chest rose with the huge breath he
took as his eyes bugged out of his head.
"CIARA!!!!!!"
She could say nothing. He wrapped his arms around her, picked her up, spun her
around and kissed her square on the lips before anyone could think twice.
"Nick!
Who the hell?"
Ah,
girlfriend time. How special.
"OH…yeah…"
He shyly put her down, face reddening as he spoke. "Mandy. This is my,
uh…my fri-…um…this is my Ciara."
Oops. That came out wrong.
"YOUR
Ciara?" The teeny looked Ciara
up and down like she was last week's fashion trend.
"I
mean…God. This is my FRIEND, Ciara…Ciara…Mandy."
Ciara stuck out a hand to the girl, trying
hard not to laugh. Nicky'd landed a jealous one. What
a scream. "Hi, Mandy. It's nice to meet you."
Mandy
offered a limp hand and an attitude to match. "Yeah, hi." Turning to
her stumbling boyfriend, "Don't you have to get ready, Nick?"
"Yeah,
yeah…I do. Ciara…you'll be here when we're
done?"
"Yep."
She held up her backstage pass. "I'm here."
"How'd
you?"
"NICK!
Go! You'll get Kevin all riled up." Jealous and bossy. She was a keeper.
"Yeah,
okay." He bore his eyes into Ciara's hoping
she'd read what all he was trying to say. Of course she did. They'd talk.
Somehow this night was not going to end without some serious one on one time.
Seeing that his message was getting through, he winked at his old friend…girl…Ciara…and took off to the changing area.
And
there stood impudent Mandy. Hand on hip. Attitude hanging out for all to see. Ciara sighed figuring this was going to be her concert
companion. Better make the most of it.
"Guess
we'd better find our seats, Mandy. Wanna sit with me?"
"Yeah,
sure. Whatever."
******~~~~~~~******~~~~~~
Grad
night at Walt Disney World. Ciara felt like an old
woman. Sorta. Fortunately, she looked younger than she was so she blended in
okay. Only she knew the truth. Well, she and her companion. Mandy had been
giving her the third degree throughout the show. Age, occupation, history,
inoculation records. Ciara had learned a bit too. She
was the daughter of their family doctor. Met up in the spring before the guys
left for the
The
show was over, the guests were escorted backstage and before long, Ciara was in Nick's arms again. He'd totally ignored is
girlfriend.
"Uh,
Nick…Mandy's gonna…really, hon."
"Jesus.
I just can't…how did you get here? What's…"
"AHEM!
Don't I get a post concert hug?"
"Of
course. Sorry." Nick bent over and hugged his girl, kissing her on the
head. "I just didn't expect to see her is all…"
There
was an after party planned in a conference room hidden away inside the park. It
did seem Mandy's parents had some control because around
"Nick…should
we be down here?"
"It's
okay. We know these people."
"Well
aren't you the shit?"
"Yes,
I am… siddown."
"Sir…"
My goodness he'd gotten bossy in a few short months. And his hair had
grown…even more. She thought she could spend days in it. Goddamn. What the hell
was going on?
"Now…"
he leaned back against the desk, arms crossed in front of him. Suddenly she
felt like she'd been sent to the principal's office. Might as well go with it.
"How did you get here?"
"I
drove."
He
could already tell she was going to be a pain in the ass. Fine. Two could play
at that game. It'd take his mind off of his urge to kiss her again. Maybe.
"From where?"
"
"
"Tolerating
my parents."
"And
you didn't tell me you were in
"I
wanted to surprise you here."
"What
motivated you to go 'tolerate' your parents?"
"I…um…"
Ciara couldn't keep the game up any longer. Cute as
he was. "Nick…I left him."
Yep.
Game over. His mind swam faster than he could process. She left him. He had a
girlfriend and she was single. Or would be soon. He liked Mandy, dammit. He didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of ever
having a life with Ciara anyway, but it would have
been fun trying. Now, here she was…sitting in front of him with the strangest
look of victory and defeat and he felt like he'd been kicked in the balls. Life
was queer.
"You
left him…when?"
"Last
week."
"Are
you okay, Cici?" He left his spot against the
desk and pulled a chair up next to her and took her hand in his. "I mean,
I know that…but…are you okay?"
"Um…sorta?
I mean, I'm kinda overwhelmed right now. I found out what he'd been doing when
I thought he was working. Where his money had gone…Where a lot of MY money had
gone…I'm such a complete fool, Nick."
"You
are not a fool."
"Trust
me. I am. How many of you warned me, huh? No one liked him. My CAT even hated
him. My cat…" What had been a very staid, together woman, suddenly
crumbled upon the mentioning of her cat. Nick never would understand women, he
decided, but knew that no matter what, when they cried for no apparent reason
you didn't ask. You just held them and listened.
She
snuffed and sniffled and snorted finally reaching up to the desk grabbed a
Kleenex to clean herself up. "I'm sorry, Nick. You do not need this. I
left him. I'm in
"I
don't give a shit about the facts, Ci. I want to know
if you're okay. And you're obviously not."
No,
she was not. She was scared. And pissed. She'd risked so much to marry this
idiot and…the tears started up again. Dammit.
"What
did he do to you, Ci? What made you finally
leave?"
She
hated Nick right now. He played the blonde bimbo so well. Goofing off on stage
and off, being the quiet, dorky one in interviews, flashing that irresistible
grin she'd known for years to get out of trouble. But she knew. She always
knew. His silence, his goofing, his dinginess…it was all a cover up. He watched
and took note of everything around him. And he thought about it. He stewed on
it. He dreamed and conjured. She couldn't get away with dick as long as he was
around. Thank God. She needed him so much and it scared the hell out of her.
With
tears stopped again for now, she finally told him her last straw with the man.
"He killed my cat, Nick."
"WHAT!?"
Well, he surely didn't expect that!
"Well,
okay, I have no solid proof…other than the obvious. She was fine. Just had her
to the vet. I come home from work and the cat's inexplicably dead. 'I just
found her layin' there in the hall, Ci'," she
said mocking him. The tears started to flow yet again. "I took…I took her
to the vet…I mean, I knew she was already gone, but…" Ciara
blew her nose, trying to make the words and thoughts all work together.
"They wanted me to bring her in…she had head injuries, Nick. How the fuck
does a cat get head injuries?"
"I
have no idea. She never climbed much did she?"
"No.
Never. Back of the couch, my bed, kitchen counter and table…but never
higher."
"Why
the hell would he kill her? He's sick!"
"Yes,
he is. The cat hated him. That should have been my first clue."
"So
he kills it?"
"Well,
he'd play really rough with her, you know? He'd kick her whenever she was in his
way…instead of letting her down from places, he'd practically throw her. I
think it just went too far."
"Did
he ever go too far with you?"
"No…believe
it or not, no. He had a temper. Kicked a hole in our microwave cart, but never
touched me, no."
"Good.
You said he was messin' with your money?"
"Yep.
I finally realized he was making himself sick or injured so he wouldn't have to
work. When he did, he'd drink his money away. I thought he never drank. Never
in front of me anyway. I wouldn't be surprised if he was drugging too. He stole
money from me, Nick. What the hell is wrong with me!?"
"With
YOU!? Ciara, you just described a sick, sick man and
you're worried about what's wrong with you?"
"I
married him, Nick. I stuck around. I knew he was a dumb fuck before I said, 'I
do.' But I did it anyway. I lost my experience at General and now I have to
start at the bottom floor again. I mean, it was just a year, but…why didn't
someone stop me!?"
"Would
you have listened?"
"No."
Of
course not. "You never could tell me before, so I'm gonna try again. Why
did you marry him, Ci?"
"He
was nice to me."
"Ciara, lots of people are nice to you. You don't go off and
marry them."
"I
know. I mean, okay. I felt pressure from Mom and Dad because they didn't want
me moving up there without being married. Once I got there I knew I was in
trouble. But I couldn't deal with their shit about canceling the wedding."
"Okay,
lemme go back one more then. Why did you agree to move to
"You're
a pain, Nick."
"Thanks.
Answer me."
"Because…because
I have no fucking idea. He was nice to me. He didn't care that I was sick. He
was…." Realization even hit her and it infuriated her that Nick had gotten
it out of her. "He was safe. I knew he didn't love me and I didn't have to
love him in return. I got the attention without having to risk my heart. There.
Does that satisfy your questions?"
"You
have no idea what you have to offer someone, do you?"
"Um…a
sick, damaged body and lots and lots of medical bills?"
"Is
that all you see yourself as?"
"Right
now, Nick…yeah. I do. I've even fucked up the friendship you and I had.
Everything I touch turns to shit."
"We've
not turned to shit, Ci. I'm here. I'll always be
here."
She
looked up into his blue eyes and melted. He was there. She had been so caught
up in the mechanics of getting there, the shock of seeing Mandy, the excitement
of the show and then, the emotional maelstrom of getting this out that
somewhere along the way she'd missed the obvious. He was here. Just like he'd
always been. Really, nothing had changed. Not the heart of things anyway.
Without
another thought, she got up from her chair and pulled him to stand with her.
She slid her arms around his waist and sighed as his did the same…she could
feel the tension drain from her body, the closer he pulled her in. He ran his
hands through her hair, causing her to relax even more and settle in to
"her place" on his chest. She'd never noticed it before this moment,
but it'd never leave her. She fit. They fit. The specifics of it were unknown
to both of them, but there it was.
"Are
you going to be here for tomorrow's show?"
"If
you'll have me."
"Of
course. Where are you staying?"
"I've
got a suite at your hotel."
"You
do, huh? Connecting rooms again?"
"Doubt
it. I'm on your floor though."
"Good
enough. Mandy's gone back to
"Ah…I
see." What a pity.
They
pulled back from their embrace and he grabbed a few Kleenex before heading out.
"I think I'm kinda tired of sleeping alone again. Might need a roomie tonight?"
"Will
we make it 'til morning?"
"I
doubt it. But I just wanna be with you, Ci. Nothing
else. I just want to be with you."
Isn't
that what anybody wants? Someone to want their company? Again, he'd done it.
Healing. She had a long way to go, but Nick had started the process. He just
wanted to be with her. How wonderful.
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
They
didn't make it 'til morning. He left. Sometime in the night, his desire for her
became too great and he snuck across the hall back to his room. It was all
good. She got ready for the day alone and enjoyed the solitude. Promo stuff was
to start the boys day and she was going to tag along. Like a few years ago, it
meant free rides and no lines. Who could complain?
Nick
and Ciara had split off from the group for awhile
after a stupid, silly photo shoot. They were walking down
"Aw
you Nick Cawtuh?"
"Yup,
that's me! What's your name?" Nick looked up at the mother and smiled. She
was flipping between pride in her son and nervousness at Nick's presence. He
found it funny.
"Jacob…my
mommy has your picture on our frigerator!"
"Jake!
My God." Okay, now she was just humiliated. And beet red.
"She
does!?" He looked up and winked at the woman. "Well, maybe I should
get a picture of her for my frigerator."
The
little boy laughed and looked away. "Naw, I'd like a hug though. Can I
have a hug?"
"Oh
yeah, that I can do. Come here, big guy."
Nick
wrapped his arms around the child and smiled from the inside out. Exhaustion or
no, management issues or no, separation from his family or no, nothing could
replace the joy he felt at times like these. This is why he did it. Watching
the scene unfold, Ciara had an epiphany herself. She
realized at that moment that any woman who tried to compete with that joy or
dare try to take this away from him would never be his. His heart was here…as
was his future. It'd make a love life…with anyone…a complicated thing.
***
