Chapter 57

Nick rolled over in bed, grabbing the empty pillow nearby and holding it close to his body imagining in his half-sleep state that it was Ciara. He’d missed her more than he could imagine. It was almost painful And here he lay, in the guest room at Mandy’s house feeling like a damned orphan. It was ridiculous. One leg of the tour down, 2 more to go. Could he actually make it through? He had almost completely self-destructed this time. He just didn’t know how much longer he could go on.

Finally waking completely, he remembered the email he’d read the last night in Sweden. Ciara had all of his equipment at her house. She’d called his parents and gave them some sort of a guilt trip. Hell, they even paid the incredible cost of getting it shipped. Full drum set, a couple of keyboards, synthesizers, amps, speakers, small sound board, mics…all of it was waiting for him to use, to play, to create. Maybe that’s just what he needed. Mandy was already gone to her own recording session for the day, so he was a free man.

Pulling his truck up her driveway, he already felt better. Yep. This is just what he needed. Time with Cici. Time with his music. Time to be who he thought he should be…who he was comfortable being.

He keyed in her garage door code, grateful to see her car. Some day he’d probably have to start calling ahead. But for now, he made his way inside feeling a sense of peace instantly wash over him.

“Cici?”

“Nick! Oh my God…come here!” Ciara tossed the dishtowel over her shoulder and jumped up in his arms. How much she had missed this. His smile, his arms around her, his giggle.

He hugged her tightly and lowered her back to the floor, kissing her tenderly. “Is this a good time?”

“Yeah, it’s great. I’m sick again, but what the hell else is new?”

“What’s…oh, yeah…you sound like shit.”

“Why thank you. I feel like shit, too.” Popping him on the behind with the towel, she started to the back of the house, knowing full well why he was there. “Guess what I’m doing today?”

“No idea.” Following her, he started to laugh. The same old mouse slippers she’d had were still hanging on by a thread. Literally. “You know, for someone who can afford awesome sports cars, you sure have smarmy slippers.”

“Hey, leave my mice alone.” She stuck out her tongue and opened the door to her office. “Our room for today, my dear…hope everything’s set up okay.”

“Ciara…oh wow. You set all of this up?” His complete drum kit was out as well as the keyboards, synthesizers and sound board. She had it set up almost identically to how it had been in his Tampa home. He didn’t even think she’d noticed.

“Actually…no. I had a guy from work help out. He used to play in a band and kinda got off on being able to play around. Hope you don’t mind.”

“No! No! This is…my god, Ci. This is great.”

“So, I’m glad you’re here. I’m gonna be online here in a minute. Deanna and I have some tickets to buy.”

“Oh yeah? Who for?”

“That group that’s real popular now. Oh, what’s their name? Five guys, real cute. They kinda sing good too…Backstage…Backdoor…Backgeek?”

“You’re a brat. I can get you tickets anyway. Ticketmaster sucks.”

“No, let me try. Deanna has no idea I know you, so I’m going at this like a good little fan should. It’s just for the Tampa show in December anyway.”

“Good. I’ll get you seats for a few more.”

“I was counting on it.” Looking up at the clock, she jumped. “Oh shit. Lemme throw on some clothes. Sale starts in 10 minutes.”

“I’m gonna…” He moved around to his drum set and found his bag of sticks. “Yeah…I’m just gonna…” Slowly sitting down he lightly tapped at the toms and snare, barely hitting the head of them, just getting the feel for their set-up and deciding if any adjustments needed to be made. “…gonna kinda…”

“Play, Nick. You play. This is why I brought them here. You need this, baby.”

Looking to her in mid-snare adjustment, he smiled. Big. First genuine smile to reach his face in way too long. “Yeah, this and you and I’ll be just fine.”

“You got it. I’ll be right back.”

******~~~~~~******~~~~~~

“What a total pain in my ass that was! I need food.”

“I can’t believe they both sold out in 10 minutes, Ci…that’s nuts.”

“Orlando, Ft. Laud…added shows. All gone.”

“I’ll get you seats. You can come up with some excuse to how you got ‘em don’t you think?”

“Probably. I can tell her a broker or something. Can you go anywhere public?”

“Yeah, but can YOU? You don’t look so good.”

“It’s just another sinus infection…ear infection…whatever. I’m okay.”

His face showed nothing short of deep concern. He didn’t know she’d been having these all the time. In fact, the more he thought about it, she never mentioned much about her health anymore. Just the obvious blood sugar crap that would happen now and again. He’d been so pre-occupied with all things Backstreet the past…god, how long had it been…that he wondered if he just missed it. “You sure? We can just order in.”

“No, I want out of this house. Missed work the past few days. I’m getting cabin fever. Let’s go…eh, let’s hit Brandon. We’ll find something. You wanna drive?”

“Hell yeah…gimme those keys.”

As she opened her door, she peeked over the black roof to see his blonde tuft disappear inside. “Don’t forget to move the…”

“OH SHIT!” Out popped the blonde head again, blue eyes bugging out and pain written all over his face. “Woman!”

“…to move the seat back.” Cheesy grin. “I can’t help it I’m short.”

“God damn.” Sliding the seat back, he finally got in comfortably, sending one more teasing glare Ciara’s way. “Short my ass. You’re a fuckin’ midget. You’re gonna make me whack it off some day.”

“Oh now…that would be a travesty. Can’t have that.”

As they drove into Brandon, Nick was quiet wondering how he might be able to get Ciara to join him more often on tour. This last leg was a nightmare and Kevin was about to kill him. It’d already been arranged that his dad was going to be driving his bus. Keep him in line. And, of course, Mandy would be around for most of the shows. She was working on getting her own singing career jump started so any exposure had to be good exposure. Forget that the fans hated her. Forget that she had no concept on how to treat them anyway. Add the given pressures of touring, continued business pressures and just…hell, just being nineteen, and Nick’s life was a mess. But when he was with Ciara…it all felt balanced. Good. Peaceful. Together. How could he guarantee he’d see her more, have her around more?

“Penny for your thoughts…”

Nick broke out of his daydream hearing her voice and reached over for her hand. “I’m just realizing how much I missed you this summer. Wondering how I can get you to join us more often.”

“Mmmm…I might be able to show up to a few shows here and there. Depends on work and all.”

“Yeah, I just feel…I dunno…more…stable? Is that right? Yeah…more stable with you around.”

“Hmm. Stable, huh? Wanna talk about this summer? You haven’t sounded good at all last few times we talked.”

“Cuz I’m not. I still am furious with my parents. Now Dad’s driving my bus this next leg. Kevin’s sick of me being a shit.”

“You? A shit? No….” Ciara winked at him, figuring he was just bored and not taking things seriously enough for Kevin’s tastes.

“Yeah, Ci…a shit.” He wasn’t kidding. It wasn’t a joke. It’d been bad. Real bad. Mandy was no help, but he didn’t seem to have the balls to do anything about it either. Somehow having her there was a bit of a comfort, even though most of the time she made his life miserable. Obviously, he hated to be alone. But why? What was so bad about being alone? “I guess they think I still need a babysitter.”

“Do you?”

Nick pulled up to the red light and looked over at her. Her green eyes were bright in the sun light and casting off a glow of pure maternal love. He loved it. Never felt it from his mom...well, not often enough, and definitely not lately. Shaking his head at the audacity of that thought…how can you be attracted to the mothering of someone and still want to jump her bones…he squeezed her hand and inched forward as the traffic gave way. “Sometimes, Ci…yeah. I think I do.”

“I guess we all do now and again.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” Nick pulled into the mall area slowing down to get some feedback on where to go. “Applebees?”

“Yeah, it’s good.” She processed the expression he’d had on his face. The sheer seriousness of his worry. It scared her. Where was the happy boy she met so many years ago? What had this life he’d chosen done to him? “Nick?”

“Uh-huh?”

“You okay? You know…you always are asking me that…but maybe…maybe it’s time to ask you.”

Parking the car and pulling up the parking brake, Nick turned in his seat and took Ciara’s hand in his again. “Right this minute? Yes, I’m more than okay.”

“Are you happy?”

“Now?”

“No…in general, Nick. Are you happy?”

“No.” He looked down at their hands, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles noticing the swelling that had shown up since he left months ago. “I’m not, Ci. I’m sick of it all right now. I mean, we’re at the peak of our career and so many things are just so fucked up. I don’t know how to deal with it all sometimes.”

“So what do you do?”

“Perform my ass off. Party too hard. Hide in my room.” He brought his eyes up to meet hers. “Come see you.”

She had to smile at that. Because he was her refuge as well. Maybe it wasn’t the best foundation for a relationship but right now it was what they had and it was what they needed.

“Yeah, I get that. I always feel better when you’re here, too.”

He leaned in and kissed her forehead, eyelids, cheeks, nose and finally her lips. “I can’t do this without you, Ci.”

“Then you can do it. Cuz I’m not goin’ anywhere, okay?”

He nodded and kissed her nose again, breaking the serious moment. “Lemme get my hat out…I should be okay.”

“Yeah, I’ll take my shot in here. Don’t need rumors of you being seen with a druggie out there.”

“Shit…let ‘em talk. Just being seen with someone other than Mandy’s gonna get the rumor mill churning anyway.”

“Oohh…can we do some PDA to really get their juices flowin’?”

“No, but we can to get mine flowing.”

“Later, big guy. Later.” She pulled up the hem of her shirt and administered her shot before Nick even realized what happened. “Okay, pop star. Let’s eat.”

******~~~~~~******~~~~~~

Before they knew it, they were saying good-bye again. She’d meet them in Vegas and end up the leg in Florida. At this point, it was all she could manage. But Vegas was still a month away. Hopefully having Bob around would keep Nick a bit more balanced. He wanted to be good. He wanted to keep it together. But could he?

Ciara threw herself into work, spending many of her days sleeping and most of her nights taking care of sick kids. It wasn’t a bad thing. It just wasn’t a good thing either. Fortunately, Ciara had a babysitter waiting in the wings as well.

“Heya, chickie. Where you been hiding?” Deanna took a break in her rounds to pop in to see Ciara who was scowling at the computer screen behind the nurse’s station.

“Hey, Dee. Here. In bed. I’ve just making up the time I keep losing from being sick, I guess.”

“Mmm…wanna do breakfast after work?”

“Yeah…yeah…I’d like that.”

So, they did. And Ciara was grateful for the break. The change. She could spiral herself into a work/sleep pattern so fast it wasn’t funny. And really, it wasn’t healthy. She didn’t eat right when she slept for 10 hours a day. And when she didn’t eat right, nothing else went right either.

“So, you’re going work-aholic on me, huh?”

“I guess so…that and sleep-aholic. I’m bored, Dee.”

“Well, you need some other interests, girl. You need…a man.”

“Ugh. I do not need a man. They’re nothing but trouble.”

“You just haven’t found the right one yet.”

“Oh, and you’re the expert, huh?”

“Ha. I just thought we could look together is all. Get your ass out on the town a bit. Live a little.”

“Probably wouldn’t hurt.” Ciara popped a forkful of eggs into her mouth and smiled. “There is this someone…”

“Oh yeah? You been holding out on me?”

If she only knew. “No, not really. He’s a nurse in the ER. Helped me put my cat flap in my mud room door….helped me move some stuff I’m keeping in storage for a friend…”

“Oooh…so he’s good with his hands? Can’t beat that. What’s his name and why the hell haven’t you told me about him?”

“Dennis. And uh…cuz I’ve been working and sleeping and not talking to anyone? I dunno.” Ciara shrugged wondering why she hadn’t told Dee herself. And why she hadn’t pursued this guy a bit more. He was cute, handy and definitely interested. What the hell was she waiting for? Nick? Ha.

“Well get the hell outta your cave, woman. Live a little.”

“Yes, you’re right. I’ll do that. I think he works tonight too. Maybe we can all do breakfast tomorrow? Pick up someone for you?”

“Perfect. You know….”

“What?”

“I’m sick of babysitting you. You’ve got to take better care of yourself.”

“I do fine, Dee.”

“Not your health. I can’t speak on that. Seems like you lose no matter what you do there. But I mean…YOU. Cici…you need to take care of that.”

“Yeah, I know. Hey, I’m headed to Vegas next week. That’s something.”

“Oohhh…and you didn’t invite me!?”

“Sorry. Visiting an old friend. I’ll only be gone 3 days.”

“Still, Vegas, baby. That sounds great.”

“I hope so. I need to get away from here. I just hope I don’t end up sick again.”

“I’m sure you’ll be good.”

“Oh, I don’t wanna be GOOD…I’m going to Vegas. I just want to be WELL.”

******~~~~~~******~~~~~~

And she was both. Good and well. Mandy wouldn’t let Nick out of her sight, but at least she’d been able to touch base with him, get him out of his perform/sleep/rehearse/perform routine a bit and take a small vacation herself. She even won about $80 at the slot machines. Not bad at all.

And the show…wow. What a show. She couldn’t wait to see it again. Problem was, it wasn’t gonna be for another six weeks or so. December. Forever. She hated it. But, this time she’d see it with Deanna and be posing as a fan. Nick was able to get them seats near the stage, but not so near Dee would suspect any connections. And seeing it with Dee was going to be a riot. She’d discovered the boys after Millennium came out and was completely wrapped up in them. Almost fanatical. Listening to her go on and on about how hot Kevin and AJ were just about put her under the table. She couldn’t blink. Couldn’t react. Couldn’t laugh. To her, they were just Kev and AJ…but Dee had them idealized as…well…as pop stars. So, those shows ought to be a blast. See it from a fan’s perspective.

Until then, it was life as usual. Missing Nick. Starting a new relationship with Dennis and working, working, working. Or at least she thought…

“Hello?”

“Ah, good. You’re home. You’re up.”

“Yeah, AJ…I wake up to ringing phones at 1 am. What’s up, baby?” Shit. This couldn’t be good. She sat up, running her hand through her hair trying to reach full consciousness.

“It’s Nick. Ci…you have to get out here somehow.”

“Where are you?”

“New Orleans tonight. But, Ci. He needs you…just like I’d fear last leg. But now…”

“Does he know you’re calling me, AJ?”

“Yeah, he’s not happy about it, but he knows.”

“Jesus. Well, AJ, if he didn’t want you to call, maybe he doesn’t want me around right now. Maybe he just wants to deal on his own.” Frankly, this was almost getting old. Who the hell hired her to be his babysitter? She was his friend, his...well, yeah…his lover. But his caretaker? Uh, no.

“I’m sure that’s true, but Ci…I don’t know what else to do.”

“What’s going on…isn’t his dad there?”

“Yeah, he is and it’s helping. A lot. But…ugh. I promised him I wouldn’t say anything other than he needs you. Just tell me when and where and we’ll set you up with us.”

“Okay, hang on. Lemme get our schedules worked out. It’s gonna have to be over a break, AJ. I have no sick leave or vacation time left.”

“Whatever.”

Ciara hopped off her bed and ran downstairs for her calendar and work schedule. As frustrating as this was, she liked that she was his refuge when life got too overwhelming. And really…isn’t that what friends were supposed to be for one another?

Looking the dates over on her way back up, she realized that she had a long stretch after working Thanksgiving night. They’d be in Lexington until Sunday and then…eek. Knoxville. Oh well. Last she heard, Bill was MIA anyway. But, the best part of this whole thing…it was less than a week away.

“Okay, J…how ‘bout I come to Lex, maybe even following to Knoxville? I work Thanksgiving night, I can catch a flight Friday morning and be up there…hell, by lunch time depending on when I take off.”

“Perfect. I’ll make the arrangements. When can you be at the airport?”

“Um, I get off at 7, can shower and change at the hospital…let’s say 8:30 just in case.”

“Good. Okay, someone will call you back with the times and all. This is on me, girl. No worries, okay?”

“AJ…is he gonna be alright?”

“Yeah. I mean.” She heard him taking a drag on his cigarette, probably debating on an answer. “Yeah. He will. Knowing you’d even do this for him has got to help.”

“Tell him I’m on my way.”

“Will do…thanks, baby.”

“Take care of him for me, okay?”

“Yep…talk to you soon.”

What the hell was going on? Why was she suddenly the Backstreet healer? Or at least Nick’s healer? What was he doing? Why was he hurting so? This had been such a successful tour, successful album…it made no sense. Although, financial success, celebrity…it wasn’t what could make you happy. Nick was still searching for that, wasn’t he? As was she.

Totally awake now, she got back out of bed and made her way downstairs to her office. After spending an hour playing around on the keyboards, fiddling with some tunes she’d heard Nick working on and coming up with a few of her own, she gave up and turned on her computer. It had been awhile since she’d checked out stuff online about the boys. Maybe the fans would be able to clue her into what was going on. Couldn’t hurt anyway.

***

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