Chapter 6

“What are you thinking about?”

Ciara had always loved to watch Nick drive his boat. As he grew up, so did the size of his boats. It was almost funny. Now, he had a 45 ft. yacht. Still amazed her, seeing him grown and successful. To her, he was still just “Nicky.” Well, okay, definitely no longer a little boy with wishes of stardust and spotlights. He’d seen the star dust, been in, if not at times been blinded by the spotlight. But underneath it all still lived a boy with dreams. And when he stood behind the wheel of his boat, she could see it as clear as the water beneath them.

“Oh, just watching the sun start to set…we need to head back before it gets too dark.”

“Yep. I’ve had fun today, Nick. This has been great.”

“I still can’t believe you caught a freakin’ shark.”

“Eh, I’m good, what can I say? Besides he was teeny.” She stood and went to the plaintive man, wondering what else could be on his mind. “Something else running around your head?”

“Mmmm, just watching the colors change in the sky reminded me of someone.”

“Can I ask who?”

“Do you remember Mr. Mahler?”

“I’ll never forget him. He was the first ‘patient’ I lost. The first person I saw die.”

“Oh God, that’s right. I forgot about that part. He’s been on my mind a lot lately. I’m not sure why.”

“He always thought we should be together. I mean, we joked along with him, but…”

“Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m wishing he could see us now.”

“Maybe he can.”

“Yeah, maybe. I’d just like to somehow let him know that we’re together. That we made it back to each other after all this time.”

“ARE we together, Nick? I mean, outside of the obvious. Do you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into?”

“I’ve known you almost half my life, Ci. Of course I know what I’m getting myself into.”

“I don’t think you do Nick. There’s so much you just really, really don’t know.”

“So why don’t you tell me, Ci? I guarantee you it won’t make any difference to me.”

“Just drive, Nick. We’ll talk later.” Wrapping her arms around his waist, she leaned her head on his back and wondered how in the world she was going to tell him all the parts of her life he missed when he was touring. Hell, some of it was going on right under his nose while he was home. He really didn’t have any idea how sick she really was, how many horrible mistakes she’d made along the way, how much of a mess her life seemed to be. No one in their right mind would want to be a part of it. Especially no one with so much at stake like Nick.

As he pulled into the slip, Ciara began to gather their belongings, feeling a bit melancholy herself. With few words, they made their way back to his home both deep in thought about their relationship, or whatever it was they were doing. She tossed their paraphernalia on the deck before walking in, gently kicking the dogs aside as Nick came in behind her and softly kissed her neck. “You smell oceany. Want something to drink?”

“Yeah, just some water. And I feel like a dead fish, so ‘oceany’ is probably good.”

Nick got the bottles out of the frig and tossed one to Ciara. The tension is the room was palpable but neither knew how to cut through it. Nothing had gone wrong, nothing had been said. What was wrong? “Look, Ci, I’m not much for talking. I suck at it and you know it. But…”

“You can’t handle me, Nick. My life, my fucked up body, my messed up brain. You can’t handle it.”

“How in the hell do you know what I can handle?”

“No one can, Nick. No one has been able to up ‘til now. I’ve only dated older men, men with more stable lives than yours and they run. Every last one of ‘em run.”

“Oh yeah, you’re the queen of finding stable men, Ciara. Let’s see…there’s the high school sweetheart who broke your heart, gave you a second chance after he got his rebound pregnant, then there’s that mail nurse dude who was more into Ex than he was you, oh, let’s see…what else? Your ex-husband, the pathological liar, and uh…oh yeah, the married guy. No idea what the hell you’ve done this past year, but I see you were quick to partner up, so I’d assume we started this mess with you being alone.” He took a swig of his water, and made his way to the bathroom to hopefully wash off the sand and smell from their day out.

Following him up the stairs, Ciara was getting angry. He’d hit below the belt throwing some of her history in her face. “You really think you’ve got all the answers, Nick? Just because I gave you the abridged version of my love life, you think that little teenaged brain of yours comprehended it all?”

“No, Ciara. I don’t think I did. But I do realize that you did nothing to find stable people in your life, so don’t stand there and try to tell me that I won’t be able to handle things because of MY instability. Maybe you’re the one who doesn’t have a clue. Maybe you’ve looked for unstable people so you don’t have to follow through. So you don’t have to work at it. Use your illness as an excuse and you can play all you want.”

“Fuck you, Nick. That’s it…I’m leaving.”

“And there she goes. Running again.” He slammed his water bottle on the sink stopping her in her tracks. “See, Ciara? It’s YOU running, not everyone else. I’m here. Yeah, okay, I didn’t call for a year. I didn’t make any effort at all. But you had made it perfectly clear we were just…just…god…we were just fuck buddies. Just play things. What was I supposed to do?”

“I never asked you to call last year, Nick. I never expected it. I’ve never asked anything of you.” And where in the hell were these tears coming from? She did NOT want to cry. She was supposed to be strong, heartless. Friends. Good sex. He was not supposed to matter.

“And why not, Ciara? Why don’t you ask anything of anybody? You won’t let anyone love you.” He met her in the hall tentatively running a hand through her hair. “I want to love you, want you to expect things from me. But, Ci, you never let me in enough.”

“You still don’t know what you’re getting yourself into, Nick. I’m a mess. My life’s a mess. I just can’t drag someone else through it with me.”

“What if we come willingly? Then you’re not dragging anyone. Why can’t you give me, hell…give anyone a chance?”

“Because…” She took his hand in hers and kissed his palm. Why not? She couldn’t answer that. Fear was the first thing that crossed her mind, but she knew better than to say that. This was Nick. There was nothing to fear, not that he’d understand anyway. She wiped a stray tear from her face and offered a weak smile. “Because I have no answer to give. And I don’t want to think about it now. I just want to…can we do something really weird?”

“What’s that?”

“I know it’s dark and we probably won’t get in, but I want to go swing at the park.”

“Swing?” Nick had to chuckle. At least she was creative in her methods of avoidance. And maybe it’d open her up a bit. Let the night air flow through that hair of hers and clear her mind. It worked when they were younger, why not now? “Alright, sure. Let’s go swing.”

***

 

 

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