Chapter 6
“What
are you thinking about?”
Ciara had always loved to watch Nick drive
his boat. As he grew up, so did the size of his boats. It was almost funny.
Now, he had a 45 ft. yacht. Still amazed her, seeing him grown and successful.
To her, he was still just “Nicky.” Well, okay, definitely no longer a little
boy with wishes of stardust and spotlights. He’d seen the star dust, been in,
if not at times been blinded by the spotlight. But underneath it all still
lived a boy with dreams. And when he stood behind the wheel of his boat, she
could see it as clear as the water beneath them.
“Oh,
just watching the sun start to set…we need to head back before it gets too
dark.”
“Yep.
I’ve had fun today, Nick. This has been great.”
“I
still can’t believe you caught a freakin’ shark.”
“Eh,
I’m good, what can I say? Besides he was teeny.” She stood and went to the
plaintive man, wondering what else could be on his mind. “Something else
running around your head?”
“Mmmm,
just watching the colors change in the sky reminded me of someone.”
“Can
I ask who?”
“Do
you remember Mr. Mahler?”
“I’ll
never forget him. He was the first ‘patient’ I lost. The first person I saw
die.”
“Oh
God, that’s right. I forgot about that part. He’s been on my mind a lot lately.
I’m not sure why.”
“He
always thought we should be together. I mean, we joked along with him, but…”
“Maybe
that’s it. Maybe I’m wishing he could see us now.”
“Maybe
he can.”
“Yeah,
maybe. I’d just like to somehow let him know that we’re together. That we made
it back to each other after all this time.”
“ARE
we together, Nick? I mean, outside of the obvious. Do you have any idea what
you’re getting yourself into?”
“I’ve
known you almost half my life, Ci. Of course I know
what I’m getting myself into.”
“I
don’t think you do Nick. There’s so much you just really, really don’t know.”
“So
why don’t you tell me, Ci? I guarantee you it won’t
make any difference to me.”
“Just
drive, Nick. We’ll talk later.” Wrapping her arms around his waist, she leaned
her head on his back and wondered how in the world she was going to tell him
all the parts of her life he missed when he was touring. Hell, some of it was
going on right under his nose while he was home. He really didn’t have any idea
how sick she really was, how many horrible mistakes she’d made along the way,
how much of a mess her life seemed to be. No one in their right mind would want
to be a part of it. Especially no one with so much at stake like Nick.
As
he pulled into the slip, Ciara began to gather their
belongings, feeling a bit melancholy herself. With few words, they made their
way back to his home both deep in thought about their relationship, or whatever
it was they were doing. She tossed their paraphernalia on the deck before
walking in, gently kicking the dogs aside as Nick came in behind her and softly
kissed her neck. “You smell oceany. Want something to
drink?”
“Yeah,
just some water. And I feel like a dead fish, so ‘oceany’
is probably good.”
Nick
got the bottles out of the frig and tossed one to Ciara.
The tension is the room was palpable but neither knew how to cut through it.
Nothing had gone wrong, nothing had been said. What was wrong? “Look, Ci, I’m not much for talking. I suck at it and you know it.
But…”
“You
can’t handle me, Nick. My life, my fucked up body, my messed up brain. You
can’t handle it.”
“How
in the hell do you know what I can handle?”
“No
one can, Nick. No one has been able to up ‘til now. I’ve only dated older men,
men with more stable lives than yours and they run. Every last one of ‘em run.”
“Oh
yeah, you’re the queen of finding stable men, Ciara.
Let’s see…there’s the high school sweetheart who broke your heart, gave you a
second chance after he got his rebound pregnant, then there’s that mail nurse
dude who was more into Ex than he was you, oh, let’s see…what else? Your
ex-husband, the pathological liar, and uh…oh yeah, the married guy. No idea
what the hell you’ve done this past year, but I see you were quick to partner
up, so I’d assume we started this mess with you being alone.” He took a swig of
his water, and made his way to the bathroom to hopefully wash off the sand and
smell from their day out.
Following
him up the stairs, Ciara was getting angry. He’d hit
below the belt throwing some of her history in her face. “You really think
you’ve got all the answers, Nick? Just because I gave you the abridged version
of my love life, you think that little teenaged brain of yours comprehended it
all?”
“No,
Ciara. I don’t think I did. But I do realize that you
did nothing to find stable people in your life, so don’t stand there and try to
tell me that I won’t be able to handle things because of MY instability. Maybe
you’re the one who doesn’t have a clue. Maybe you’ve looked for unstable people
so you don’t have to follow through. So you don’t have to work at it. Use your
illness as an excuse and you can play all you want.”
“Fuck
you, Nick. That’s it…I’m leaving.”
“And
there she goes. Running again.” He slammed his water bottle on the sink
stopping her in her tracks. “See, Ciara? It’s YOU
running, not everyone else. I’m here. Yeah, okay, I didn’t call for a year. I
didn’t make any effort at all. But you had made it perfectly clear we were
just…just…god…we were just fuck buddies. Just play things. What was I supposed
to do?”
“I
never asked you to call last year, Nick. I never expected it. I’ve never asked
anything of you.” And where in the hell were these tears coming from? She did
NOT want to cry. She was supposed to be strong, heartless. Friends. Good sex.
He was not supposed to matter.
“And
why not, Ciara? Why don’t you ask anything of
anybody? You won’t let anyone love you.” He met her in the hall tentatively
running a hand through her hair. “I want to love you, want you to expect things
from me. But, Ci, you never let me in enough.”
“You
still don’t know what you’re getting yourself into, Nick. I’m a mess. My life’s
a mess. I just can’t drag someone else through it with me.”
“What
if we come willingly? Then you’re not dragging anyone. Why can’t you give me,
hell…give anyone a chance?”
“Because…”
She took his hand in hers and kissed his palm. Why not? She couldn’t answer
that. Fear was the first thing that crossed her mind, but she knew better than
to say that. This was Nick. There was nothing to fear, not that he’d understand
anyway. She wiped a stray tear from her face and offered a weak smile. “Because
I have no answer to give. And I don’t want to think about it now. I just want
to…can we do something really weird?”
“What’s
that?”
“I
know it’s dark and we probably won’t get in, but I want to go swing at the
park.”
“Swing?”
Nick had to chuckle. At least she was creative in her methods of avoidance. And
maybe it’d open her up a bit. Let the night air flow through that hair of hers
and clear her mind. It worked when they were younger, why not now? “Alright,
sure. Let’s go swing.”
***