Chapter 62
Pulling
away from their hug and leaning against the door, Ciara
ran her finger up Nick’s chest as he talked. She loved touching him. Could
never seem to stop.
“I’m
glad you came over, Ci. I’d hate to have left the way
things were.”
She
quickly dropped her hand to her side, not hiding the hurt at her next thought.
“Would you have left without talking to me?”
Running
a hand through his hair, he had to look away. Yeah, he was planning on it. “Um,
I don’t know, Ci. I was…I’m still just scared. I’ve
never been afraid with you before…you were always my balance, and now…”
“I
can’t be that for you, Nick. You need to find that balance within yourself.”
“Yeah,
I know. I’m just not so sure I can.”
“You
can. And I’m here for you, but I can’t…no one can be your security.”
“I
know…It’s not fair to you.”
“Or
to you, Nick. And, I’m good at trying to be the hero. You call, I come
running…you just can’t depend on me to always be strong. And when I’m not, you
can’t depend on something else to make up the difference.”
“Yeah,
I know that.” And he did. Besides the “something else” didn’t make him strong;
it only made him forget. Taking her hand in his, he wanted to call the guys and
cancel out on their “emergency” meeting. Take the time to work this all out,
but he couldn’t. So, he’d try to pull out of this moment all that he could.
“How come you always seem so strong, though?”
“These
walls I put up walls, aren’t there because I’m strong. They’re there because
I’m scared and weak too.”
“I
totally understand that.” Too well. Walls were a part of his life. Kept him
separate from the insanity of his life. And when the walls didn’t work, he’d
use something else. But no more. Now, walls and…just inner strength would have
to do. Somehow.
“I
know you do…just please don’t run away from me again. Talk to me.”
He
folded her up in his arms, never wanting to let her go, but having to,
especially when he heard the car pulling up to the house. “Dammit…I
gotta go, baby.”
“Yep.
I hope everything goes okay.” She pulled away and went directly to primping
mode, picking dog hairs off his shirt, pushing a stray bang from his forehead,
unfolding a disobedient sleeve hem. They needed more time to talk. But it
wasn’t to be right now.
“We’ll
work it out. It’s just been a misunderstanding with timing of the solo stuff.
Hopefully all five of us will listen.”
“You
will…you have too much you want to accomplish as a group to pack up your bags
and go home over a misunderstanding. Just keep your cool, and…”
“…and
keep a level head.”
“Yes…definitely.
I’ll close up the house, okay?”
“Thanks.”
He pulled her in for a kiss, a long, soft, deep kiss. The kind that rarely ends
in a kiss, but this time, it’d have to. “I’ll call when I get in.”
And
he was gone. Again. But, at least he was gone with a bridge mended. Another
bump in the road hurdled. Now, the question remained, could they continue
mending and hurdling, or at some point, would this whole thing simply fall
apart?
******~~~~~~~******~~~~~~
“Good
evening, Mrs. Hayes.”
A
young, haggard looking woman looked up from her reading and offered a soft
smile. “Hi, Ciara. Glad you’re on tonight.”
“Oh
yeah? Did she have a bad day?”
“Yeah,
stopped breathing completely. Pulled a code…” She tossed her magazine on the
bedside table and stood, stretching out her body from the constant sitting.
“I’m just so tired of it all.”
“Yep,
it gets exhausting.” If she was tired, how tired was Molly? Ciara looked down at the peacefully sleeping teen-aged
girl, brushed her brow and finally took a glance at her chart. “Bad day” didn’t
even begin to describe what this girl’s body had been through.
Cystic
fibrosis. Truth was, many kids with this didn’t live this long, but because of
medical technologies, they were living longer and
longer. This was the mixed blessing of medicine. Because, no matter how much
you treated CF, it never went away. Much like Ciara’s
situation. Repeated hospital visits littered these kid’s lives and exhausted
their care takers. But when they were well, they could live somewhat normal
lives. Nowhere near as normal as Ciara had enjoyed,
but normal none-the-less. School, friends, some activity.
Mrs.
Hayes took her daughter’s hand in her own, bringing it up for a kiss and smiled
as Molly stirred in her sleep. “Mama’s here, baby…go back to sleep.” Ciara quietly finished her duties and turned to leave.
“Ciara?”
“Yeah?”
“Do
you have a few minutes?”
“Um,
I have one more patient with rounds…can I come back in?”
“Yeah,
I’ll be here. Thanks.”
“Not
a problem.” Mom needed to vent. This is one of the things Ciara
loved best about her job. It was not one of the things she expected about
nursing, but found it to be the most rewarding. As a frequent patient herself,
she was able to listen to a parent’s concerns and hopefully point things out
that could help them be more effective care takers.
Ciara popped in to see her last patient,
relieved it was someone up and moving around. Having finished with him, she
made her way back to Molly’s room and peeked in.
“Okay,
Mrs. Hayes…why don’t we go down to the lounge to talk?”
“Yeah,
good idea…” Kissing her daughter on the forehead, she quietly met Ciara in the hall. “Thanks for doing this. I don’t know
what I’m really…I just need…”
“…to
talk. It’s okay. Sometimes you just need to talk. I’ve got about half an hour
so we’re good.”
The
exhausted woman sat on the couch, and immediately buried her face in her hands.
Somehow knowing she could finally get some of her thoughts and feelings out in
the open, released a great wall of stress and anxiety. “I’m sorry, Ciara. I just…” The woman sighed and finally blurted out
what had been bottled up inside of her for months now.
“I
wish I’d have never had her, Ciara.”
“Woah…I know it’s hard sometimes, unbearably so, but Mrs.
Hayes…”
“Rebecca.
Call me Rebecca.”
“Okay…Rebecca…you
two have brought so much joy to each other. Nothing can take that away from
you.”
“No?
I feel like every time I bring her here, a few more memories are stolen. A
little more light from one or both of us goes out. I just…it almost feels like
it’s not worth it. Why was she brought here just to have a miserable life?”
Whatever
happened to, ‘what do I do when I get scared and we’re home alone?’ kind of
questions? Ciara could handle those. “I can’t answer
that. But, Rebecca…you have each other and you just can’t let the hospital
trips take it away. Some of it has to be your decision. You have to choose
joy.”
“You
have no idea what it’s like.”
“No,
from a mom’s point of view, I don’t. But I do from a patient’s point of view.
I’ve spent many a week laid up in a hospital bed while my parents worried and
fretted and exhausted themselves at my expense.”
“Oh
really? I had no idea…”
“Yep.
I’m a diabetic. And from that, I have a laundry list of other complications and
problems that have kept me in one of those damned rooms too many times. And,
from a patient’s point of view? There are times we wish you’d never had
us.”
“Yeah,
that’s probably true.”
“But
when you look at all of life. All of it…I really wouldn’t want it any other
way. My diabetes is part of who I am. And right now, for the most part, I kinda
like me. Molly does too…it’s obvious.”
“Yeah,
but you had a team of support. I’m alone in this. I feel like I can’t do it
anymore.”
“You
have no choice. She needs you right now. But you can choose how you handle it.”
“Cici! There you are!” A little moppet of a boy interrupted
the women’s conversation, running into the room and jumping into Ciara’s lap. “I’m goin’ home, Cici!”
“Danny!
I thought you were discharged at
“Cuz
I had to wait for Mommy to get off work to come get me.”
Ciara and Rebecca couldn’t hide their
disgust as their eyes met those of Danny’s parents. It was common. Use the
hospital as a babysitting ward. Made Ciara sick. Here
was Rebecca, rightfully exhausted, beating herself up for just wanting
to walk away, and there stood these two corporate-climbing-yuppies whose kid
just had a bad case of croup and they couldn’t give up a day at work to sit
with him while he got better. Or, God forbid, to pick him up once he was ready
to head home.
“Uh,
yeah…we, uh…yeah. I had meetings I couldn’t get out of.” Good. She should be
uncomfortable. Wench.
“Mmm…it
happens.” Ciara put on her professional smile and
gave Danny another hug. “Well, Danny…you go home and be good now. I don’t want
to see you on this floor again, hear me?”
“Nope.
They’re giving me the pink stuff. Said I have a sinus infection too.”
“That
pink stuff will make it all better. Thanks for stopping by to say ‘good-bye’,
sweetie.” She ruffled the child’s blond hair and smiled as his blue eyes danced
in hers. Mini Nick. Had the energy of him too. And it hurt. She wanted her own
version of Mini Nick someday…and she’d never have it.
As
they watched the family leave, Ciara turned to
Rebecca and chose silence. Let her stew on what just happened. She couldn’t
have timed it better herself.
“Wow.”
That was all Rebecca could eke out at the time.
“Yeah,
huh? It happens all the time here, Rebecca.”
“You’ve
got to be kidding me.”
“I
wish I was. And you know…I really shouldn’t be telling you personal stuff about
me, but maybe it’ll make a point. Maybe not. Hell, I dunno…”
“Hit
me.”
Ciara smiled at the woman and took a deep
breath. “I get so irritated with that mentality we just saw because…well,
besides the obvious reasons…”
“Yeah,
that’s just sick.”
“Yep.
But, you see. I can’t have kids. Never. I’ll never be a mom. And I see
parents acting like that and I just want to scream. I’d be like you if I had a
sick kid. By their bed 24/7, running myself into the ground with worry and fear
and…anything that needed to be done, just to have the love of a child in my
life. But I’ll never have that.”
“So
when you see moms acting that way….”
“Yep.
It honestly just hurts inside.”
“Can
I ask you something else…totally personal?”
“Sure,
go ahead.”
“Do
you have someone special in your life? How does he feel about not being able to
have kids?”
“I
do and,” Ciara had to look down admitting this one,
“he doesn’t know.” Damn. Embarrassing admitting it to a virtual stranger.
“He
doesn’t know? Ciara! How serious is it?”
“Pretty.
Yeah, I’m going to…it’s very complicated.”
“Well,
sure, but…Ciara, believe me. I’d rather have someone
in my life to love no matter what. Whether it’s a sick kid or a man and no kid
at all. You have someone who loves you.” Realizing that her statement could be
misinformed, she continued, “He does love you, doesn’t he?”
“Yeah,
he does.” Now that felt good to admit. Out loud even.
“I
hate being alone.” Letting the reality of what she just said, sink in, Rebecca
looked up to Ciara with a new brightness in her eyes.
“And, you’re right. Nothing that happens here with Molly can take away what she
and I have together, can it?”
“Nope.
Not unless you let it.”
“Well,
girl…that goes for you and your sweetie. What’s his name?”
“Nick.”
She blushed saying his name and blushed further when she felt the blood rush to
her face. Nick. Nick. When was he coming back?
“Aw…look
at you! Honey, you have everything you need with him. Trust me. Loving someone
even when it’s not story book perfect is better than not at all.”
“Wait
a minute. I thought I was here to give YOU advice!? You’re not supposed to be
counseling me!”
“Yeah,
but listen to what I’m saying to you. You have helped. I just needed to say it
and not have someone judge me as the world’s worst mother.”
“You’re
not the…Rebecca…she’s still strong because of your love for her all these
years. You two will be fine.”
The
older woman looked at the younger and smiled. Really smiled. Through her
wrinkled eyes and pale skin a light shone that hadn’t been there in quite some
time. “Yeah, we will be, won’t we?”
Ciara nodded and stood, taking hold of the
woman’s hand. “Now come on…go downstairs, get yourself something to eat and go
home. Rest. She’s fine tonight, okay?”
“Yeah,
okay. Let me go say ‘good-bye’ and I’m going to do just that. But you have to
promise me something.”
“What’s
that?”
“You
tell that boy everything and then just enjoy your life together. You have
something I never got. I’m envious.”
“Thanks.
I’ll do that. Thanks for talking to me tonight.”
Yeah,
thanks for talking to me. Nick, kids, health, sickness, solitude. It all
weighed on her mind as she finished her shift and headed home. He’d be home in
a few more days and somehow this was all going to be discussed. If she lost
him, she lost him. If not, then she had the greatest thing in her life already.
She couldn’t ask for more.
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
“How’s
Ciara doing?”
Nick
looked up from loading his plate at the buffet table, surprised at Howie’s
question. They’d been holed up in this meeting room for hours and truth was, he
felt totally friendless here. It was all business. The last 10 years together seemed
to have lost its meaning. He felt lost and confused. Scared and alone. Outside
of the times he’d hermitted himself in the past, he’d
never felt that way with these guys. Now? Now, it seemed like so much had
changed. Why the hell would Howie care?
“She’s
good, man. Been doing okay lately.”
“Her
blood sugar seem under control?”
What
the? Since when did Howie…was this another one of her little secrets? Maybe
that’s why he didn’t react at that auction on the cruise. He’d already known.
Very interesting. “Eh, no more or less than usual, I guess. She’s glad it’s warmin’ up…she’s less achy that way.”
Howie
nodded, dropping a spoonful of potato salad on his plate. This was awkward to
be sure, but he hadn’t heard from Ciara as often as
he had in the past. He was worried that she wasn’t taking care of herself…or
that Nick wasn’t taking care of her properly. He just didn’t see him
responsible enough. For a friendship, he’d be fine, but, he knew from watching
his brother-in-law with his sister, that once there was a heart connection,
seeing your loved one so sick could be unimaginably hard.
“Can
I ask you something, D?”
“Yep.”
Howie eye-balled two chairs stowed away in a corner of the room, hoping to have
a little bit of privacy. Not that the others would try to join them. The
tension in the room had been thick enough you could see the walls of division
between the men. It was not fun.
Taking
a seat with his only “friend” at the moment, Nick stopped to look at him. How
far did he want this conversation to go? Howie had never been one he had ever
gone to for advice, but in this situation it was quite possible that Howie
would have some insight. It was time to test their years of friendship over the
years of business partnership. “D, how long have you known about the Lupus?”
“Since
before she was diagnosed, Nicky. I’m the one who rode her ass to get it checked
out.”
“No
way.”
“Yeah…I
was seeing things in her that reminded me of Caroline. It took her years to
finally talk to her doc about it.”
“She
is a stubborn one.”
“Yeah,
that she is.”
They
ate in silence for awhile, Nick trying to determine what he wanted to ask. It
just seemed something was looming over head and Howie would have an answer. But
what? And did he really? Howie could just see a man troubled with his heart. He
didn’t know if he could help, but figured he’d just wait and let Nick lead.
“Has
she always come to you with her health stuff?”
“Most
of the time, yeah. I think she always keeps something to herself. She can’t let
it all go or something…keeps her in control maybe.”
“Why
do you think she does that? It drives me crazy!”
“Because
she’s not in control of her health at all. She doesn’t know from one day to the
next what will happen, how she’ll feel. But what people know, how much of her
is allowed “out”…she can control that and have some things of her own.”
“But,
how the hell am I supposed to help her if I don’t know what’s all going on?”
Howie
smiled at the man. Yep, the man. He cared more for Ciara
than Howie thought possible. Than Howie trusted to be possible. He watched
their blossoming relationship on the cruise, but seriously…he didn’t hold much
hope for it. Figured Nick would bolt.
“You
can only do your best, Nick. That’s all anyone would expect.”
“I’m
just afraid my best isn’t good enough for her. I hate how she closes me off.
Totally pushed me away after the Grammy’s and I still have no idea why.”
“If
your best wasn’t good enough for her, I doubt she’d waste her time with you.”
“She’s
not known for making good choices in partners, Howie. Maybe I’m just another
mistake.”
“Nick…she’s
loved you for years. Since the very beginning.”
Nick
sighed, popping a potato chip in his mouth. Love. Something they had yet to say
to each other. The damned “L” bomb. They never dropped it because they both
were afraid it would do what bombs do…explode and destroy. But Howie was right.
She loved him and he knew it. And he loved her. By God, he loved her to no end.
How come it seemed like such a mess right now, though? Maybe it was time to
admit to someone how much she meant to him. “I love her, too.”
“I
can see that…what’s going on that’s so messed up, then? I thought it was all
sunshine and roses.”
“Well,
like I said, she’s been pulling away again…since the last time I was out here.
Still no idea why. I went to
“Nice
job.”
“Thanks.
I’ve never told her about the shit I was into during Millennium but she kinda
put it all together. Gave me hell and then…”
“…did
you blow it, Nick?”
“No!
That’s just it. She should have kicked my ass out, but she didn’t. Made me look
at all of her meds, hold ‘em all, read all the labels. She totally freaked, but
then…it was ‘clean up’ or ‘get out.’ And she’s right. If she has to be in pain
every damned day, then I have no right to try to dull my shit with something so
dangerous.”
“Nope,
you don’t. What were you using, idiot?”
“Ex.”
“Asshole.”
“Thank
you. That’s one thing Ci and I have established.”
“Good
to agree on something.”
Nick
rolled his eyes and chuckled at the stupidity of the whole situation. Why the
hell should he use anything after how far it had gotten a few years back? He
was being stupid. Fortunately, Ciara’s fit hit him
between the eyes. And since it was only a now and again thing, he could easily
walk away….hopefully.
“So,
anyway, I know we have something worth working for, but right now…” He gulped
back the last of his water, afraid to admit what was on his mind. “Now, I’m
afraid I want more out of this than she does, and her health scares me. What if
I can’t do what needs to be done for her?”
“You
need to talk to her, Nick.”
“Like
talking to a damned brick wall sometimes.”
“So
whittle away at it. I saw the love between you two on that cruise. That was
real. I wasn’t sure it’d last, but…I dunno, hearing you now, I think it can. I
can’t believe anything’s changed since then.”
“Something
has. I just can’t figure out what.”
“Is
she worth working for?”
“Yes!
Yes, absolutely.”
Having
finished his meal, Howie got up and patted Nick’s shoulder as he walked by.
“Then get to work, Romeo. You got a big ole trellis to climb.”
Yeah,
he sure did. How many thorns would be on those vines that hung from that
trellis? How big were they, and more importantly, would they cause permanent
pain?
******~~~~~~******~~~~~~
Ciara’s stretch at work had been awful making
her feel older than usual. She’d slept for only a few hours, hoping to get back
to a daytime schedule just in time for Nick’s arrival back home. Sliding on a
comfy pair of sweats, she curled up on the couch with a magazine, her taped
soap operas and free time. Almost heaven.
After
catching up on a few days’ worth of her stories, she heard what just might make
“almost heaven” become “heaven.” Nick’s truck in her drive way. She’d missed
him so, worried about him so, wanted to talk to him
desperately since her evening with Rebecca. And now, he was finally home.
Tossing
her magazine on the couch, she decided not to wait one second longer. She slid
her feet into her ragged mouse slippers, wondering why they never seemed to
last more than a few years, and yanked the door open, running outside to meet
him.
“Nick!
God, I missed you so much!” She jumped up in his arms, covering his face and
neck in kisses, loving the feel of his arms wrapped around hers.
“Hey,
baby! I missed you too!” Kissing her back, he set her on her feet, giggling at
the nose on her left slipper. It was hanging by a thread. Literally. “Time for
new ones again, huh?”
Looking
down, she wiggled her toes. “Yeah, I guess so. How was the trip?”
Silence
and a shrug. Not good. “I don’t wanna talk about that right now, Ciara. Just you and me now, okay?”
“Yeah,
okay.” Sliding her arm around his waist as he picked up his bag, she gave him
another squeeze, happy to oblige. “Just you and me.”
***
