Chapter 66
As
hard as Ciara tried to move along and not worry, she
couldn’t do it. Knowing that Nick was home with his family helped to some
degree, but she also knew what grief they could cause him. How would he choose
to handle it? Would he stay clean? Would he just hermit himself? Would he have
a clear mind to make the decisions he needed to make with his career? It was
obvious things hadn’t settled with his last trip to LA and the internet rumor
mill was flying high.
Infighting,
Nick’s solo career taking precedence over Backstreet. The boys had dropped
their PR team and their management team, yet Nick retained management. It had
caused bitterness. Now, he’d been recording and working and really didn’t know
what was going to happen. Would they stay a group and the solo stuff would be a
side project or would they have to bust up the whole thing? And now that she
had confirmation on how Nick handled uncertainty, she was scared for him. But,
she wouldn’t call. Wouldn’t chase. He said he needed time. So, that’s what
she’d give him. Trust and time.
But
she sucked at waiting. Sucked at it worse while alone. Finally about to jump
out of her skin, she called
“Okay,
girlie…what’s up?” Deanna poured the last shot of tequila in the blender and
turned it on.
“I
told him everything.”
“Good
for you! It’s about time. But…”
“…you
see anyone else here? He’s gone.” Ciara kicked her
stool out of the closet, pushing it to the cabinet where she stored her
margarita glasses. Hearing the blender turn off, she turned back to her friend,
arms still stretched in the air. “Gone,
“I
never thought…you mean he said ‘good-bye’ and everything? Just because…I’m
disappointed. That’s not the Nick I thought he was.”
“Well,
no…” Hopping off her stool, she brought the glasses over to her friend. “Fill
‘er up, girl.”
“No
what?”
“No,
he didn’t say ‘good-bye’. He said he needed to think.”
“How
long has he been thinking? Salt?”
“Nope.
Just pour it.”
Deanna
did as asked and Ciara took a taste. “Damn woman, you
know how to mix ‘em.”
“Well,
hell…you keep buying that good Tequila.”
“Nick
bought it, but yeah…doesn’t hurt. Grab the pizza and bring it in the room. I’ll
get the plates and stuff.”
They
made their way into the living room and spread out on the floor. Chick night
was always a good thing. Even if you weren’t grieving over a man.
“Okay,
so you tell him…how did he seem…what did you say?”
“I
just kind of gave it to him straight you know? He came back from this last LA
trip all romantic and lovey. We were out back and
next thing I know he’s talking in terms of forever. Not marriage, not yet, but
down the road. I just couldn’t let him go any further with it.”
“Well,
it’s about time. I still don’t see why a future with him is so out of the
question, but he did need to know what all that entails with you.”
“Yeah,
so now he does.”
“Did
he just bolt, or what?”
“Well,
at first he was good. When I told him about the baby…he was…he was great. I
wish he hadn’t been so young because I know he’d have been someone wonderful to
have around through all of that.”
“Yeah,
I can imagine he would have been. I’m so sorry we hadn’t met yet either. That
still kills me how you were treated.”
“Eh,
you survive, you know? Lots of therapy, a little Prozac and it all worked out.”
Deanna
had to laugh. She wasn’t sure why because really, nothing was funny at all. But
Ciara’s lax attitude about the crappy lot her life
was in just hit her as downright comical. She’d have lost her mind years ago
had she have had to go through half of what Ciara
did.
“It
is kinda funny, isn’t it? I swear. I must have done something really whack
before I was born to get this kind of punishment.”
“I
don’t think it works that way, Ciara. And he’s not
gone. He’s thinking, right?”
“Right.
I guess. He took the news of the abortion okay and really, he even seemed great
with the idea that I couldn’t have kids. He snapped when it hit him that I was
trying to think for him. I was making decisions for us without him. I’d made it
up in my head we couldn’t do it and that pissed him off.”
“I’m
sayin’ nuttin’.”
“Yeah,
you do that. I knew you were right, but it was just a matter of him leaving
then or now,
“Because
they love you?”
“Love
isn’t enough sometimes.”
“I
don’t believe that and I don’t think you do either.”
“Well,
I do. My parents supposedly love me and look how useless they’ve been
throughout all of this. Constantly trying to make it all go away by suffocating
me. I don’t think so. If parents can’t even love you through it and they’re
supposed to, how the hell can someone volunteer for the job?”
“You
don’t volunteer to love someone, Ci. You just do. And
I’m sorry, but he loves you.”
She
had to think on that. Because the truth was, she couldn’t deny it. He did. And
she loved him. If she had one regret at this point, only one instead of the
millions she had, it would be that she’d never told him…or ever heard him say
it to her. She felt it. She’d felt it for their almost eleven years together,
but never once had they uttered the words to each other.
“I
love him, too, Dee.”
“Nice
to hear you finally admit it.”
“Yeah,
too late as usual.”
“Oh,
would you STOP it! He’s thinking…has he called since he took off?”
“Once.”
“How’d
he sound?”
“Odd.”
“You’re
odd.”
“Fuck
you.”
“I’d
rather not. You know what you need?”
“Nick.”
“Yes,
you need Nick…but since he’s not here, you know what you need?”
“What,
Miss Cleo?”
“You
need a night out. Let’s clean up the pizza, raid your closet, doll ourselves up
and hit that bar where you saw him last October. I think Chris is playing again
anyway. Let’s just go be girls, huh?”
“You
think?”
“I
know…come on, Pouty Puss. We’re gonna get your mind off of this mess.”
***
