Chapter 8

“Mmmm…you feel good. I hate this shit.” Ciara pulled away from the warmth of his hug, remembering every time she’d said ‘goodbye’ to Nick at an airport or in a driveway or…anywhere. Too damned many times.

“Yeah, so do I. I’ll only be gone about a week, baby. It’ll be okay.”

“I know, but it’s half way around the world.”

“True. I’ll bring you home a nice silk komono?”

“Oooh, that’ll be nice. I’d rather have you, but…that might help.” She smiled and laid her head back on his chest cuddling into him as far as she could.

Nick enjoyed the hug, but wanted to see her…look over her face, in her eyes, taking in everything he could. Sure, they’d done this innumerable times before, but today felt like…it felt like the wind was being knocked out of him.

As he lifted her chin with his finger to do just that, they were abruptly interrupted. “Okay, love birds. We’re all glad you finally figured out how to hook up, but we gotta get on that plane.”

“AJ, man. Have you no class?” Nick smacked AJ upside the head laughing as the shorter man reached up quick to protect nothing more than his hat.

“Watch it, watch it. Don’t mess with the head gear.” Looking at Ciara he stopped goofing and offered one of his genuine smiles. “I’m glad you’re here, girl. Just a shame Nick’s such an idiot and waited so long. You could be coming with us.”

“Eh, that’s okay, AJ. I don’t think I could survive an overseas flight with you.”

“Aw, Cici…you love me.”

“Mmmm…get on the plane, AJ. I’ll send Nick along.”

“Hhmph! Come on, Sarah. She’s bein’ mean to me.” AJ grabbed his girlfriend’s bag and finally went through security.

“I thought he’d never leave.” Nick leaned down for one last kiss. “I’ll call or email or something. Whatever I can get to, I’ll do, okay?”

“Don’t bust your butt, Nick. Just get home safe.”

“No, I’ll call. Don’t push me away now, please? Let me miss you.”

The little boy returned. Pleading, wishing, wanting her to simply appease him. And how could she refuse? “I’m sorry, Nick. Old habits die hard, I guess.” She touched his face, trying to mentally blend the boy and the man. “It’s time; you’d better go.”

“Yep. Come pick me up, okay?”

“I’ll be here, baby.” A quick kiss and he tossed his bag on the security belt. They hated not being able to go to the gates anymore. Goodbyes were hard enough, but doing them so far away from the planes…it just sucked. Ciara quickly made her way to her car, surprised at the flood of tears that overwhelmed her as she locked the door behind her.

“Damn him. Damn him for coming into that bar…for coming into my heart. What the hell am I gonna do now?”

******~~~~~~******~~~~~~

“Deanna? Ciara. I need you woman. Dinner. My place. Tonight. 7:30. Please, don’t let me down.”

Ciara clicked off her phone and ran upstairs to change, to do…to do something. Clean. She could clean. She changed into sweats, grimacing when her eyes landed on a pair of Nick’s still laying on the chair from a previous visit. “Get out of my head, dammit.”

She grabbed her cleaning supplies and started in the bathroom, furiously scrubbing the shower walls and tub. The silence was making her mind work over time, so she flipped on the radio full blast. “Go on and pull me under; cover me with dreams, yeah….”

“Goddammit!” She slammed the radio off, storming downstairs to find something safe…whatever the hell that was. The ringing phone jerked her out of her frenzy with a start. “WHAT!?”

“You really know how to make a dinner invitation welcoming, woman. Are you cooking?”

“Oh Jesus, Dee. I’m sorry. Do you want me to cook?”

“I want to live. No.”

“Oh fuck you.” Ciara had to chuckle. Okay, so cooking was not her strength. “I’ll order a pizza. Is that acceptable for you?”

“You know I’m kidding. Yeah, tell me where and I’ll just pick it up on my way in.”

“You’re not kidding and it’s a deal. I need to talk. Need to unload a lot of shit on you. Can you handle that?”

Deanna’s mood shifted immediately. “Woah. Yeah, I can handle it. You okay?”

Nice. Nick’s favorite question, and dammit he always meant it. No, I’m not okay. “Yeah, I’m fine, sweetie. I just have been keeping too much from you and need to talk. Need to work it out. Need some things put back into perspective.”

“You want me to come out now?”

“I’m on a cleaning frenzy. You probably don’t want to see this.”

Deanna laughed again, “I’m sure I can manage. How ‘bout I come help?”

“You’re nuts. Sure. Help, watch, whatever. You know where I’m at.”

Within an hour, Deanna was cleaning the kitchen while Ciara finished the upstairs. They had cranked up some Lenny Kravitz and were singing along at the top of their lungs. Safe, secure, leading to no memories, at least with this album. Finally, the pizza arrived and they took a much deserved break.

After getting settled with drinks and plates, the girls plopped down in the middle of the living room floor for their feast. “Okay, chicka. What the hell is going on?”

“Okay, you need to just let me talk first. Promise me you’ll say nothing.”

“I promise I’ll try. That’s all I can do.”

“Fine. Okay, here we go.”

And there she went. Deanna and Ciara had been friends for about five years, but Ciara never told Dee about her knowing Nick, and especially of their relationship since…well, since they’d started sleeping together a few years back. Dee was a fan. A big one. Knowing Ci had an “in” would alter their friendship forever and Ciara just couldn’t risk it. She had learned that knowing a celebrity could screw things up between friends first hand. She was not willing to risk it again. There was enough threatening their relationship as it was just with Ci’s health and constant neediness because of it. No sense adding fuel to the fire, right? But now, well, now Ciara just needed someone to talk to, and figured Dee could take it. Or so she hoped. Now, she just needed someone to help her make sense of things.

And Dee listened. She almost spewed pop and pizza across the room a few times in shock, but she listened. What blew her mind was after the initial “Nick Carter” stuff, it was like listening to Ciara bitch and moan about every relationship she’d been…at least the decent ones. She was instantly ready to toss the good ones to the wind and she hung onto the assholes.

Suddenly, Ciara’s rant stopped. She looked to her friend and offered a cheesy grin. “Okay, I’m done. Now I’ll just sit here and await your wisdom.”

“Ummmmmmmm…okay…”

“Do you forgive me for not telling you?”

“I’m thinking. You have known Nick Carter for 10 fucking years, you’ve sat by and watched me pull my hair out to get concert tickets and find their hotels, smiled politely at my pictures with Kevin and AJ, and all the while, you’re not only Nick’s friend, you’re his fuck buddy. You have had Nick Carter’s dick inside you and you’ve never told me.”

“Dee. I couldn’t tell you. It would have been the basis of our friendship and I just couldn’t do it. I’ve been stung by it in the past and I just couldn’t. I also couldn’t break trust with the guys by giving out their information. And truthfully, I rarely had it. I never did for any shows you went to.”

“Did you go to shows without me?”

“Uh, yeah. For Millennium, I did, and the tour before, but you weren’t a fan then.”

“And he takes off for Stockholm and you didn’t hear from him at all after that? What about when AJ was sick? You couldn’t bother yourself to call him then?”

“I didn’t have his number, Dee. He has to change his cell number all the time. I emailed him.”

“And he didn’t reply?”

“He did. It was brief. He was scared. Said he’d call and we’d talk, but he never did. He went on tour with his brother and then their own tour started back up. Dee, please. I know this is a shock to you, but truthfully, this is not what I need to talk to you about.”

“I know, I know. I’m just trying to process it all. You’re fucking Nick Carter?”

“I WAS fucking Nick Carter. Now, I’m…we’re…it’s…Jesus. Why is everything so damned complicated?”

“I don’t see what’s so complicated to be honest with you.”

“You wouldn’t. You’re a romantic. We go from fucking to making love and we should be planning our wedding already.”

“So, why aren’t you?”

“DEANNA! Look at me!”

“Yeah?”

“I’m damaged goods. You know this. You know just about everything in the book with me. I can’t provide for him the life he’ll want, the life he deserves.”

“Why don’t you let HIM decide that?”

“Because he’s 21 years old and can’t see past the next hour. He’ll say it doesn’t matter today, but…once he finds out everything…”

“What do you mean, ‘once he finds out everything’? You mean, he’s known you for 10 years and he doesn’t know you’re sick?”

“Well, he knows about the diabetes and that it’s rarely under control.”

“And?”

“And yeah…heh-heh. That would be about it.”

“My God, Ciara. For a brilliant person, you sure are an idiot.”

“Why thank you. What do you propose I do? Tell him everything and just watch him walk out the door like everyone else in my past has?”

“You planning on never telling him? What kind of relationship do you want with him, Ci?”

“I guess that’s what I don’t know.”

“Look, if you wanna keep him in your bed, say nothing. At least for awhile he’ll stay. You’ve managed to keep him there for three years, outside of this past year off.”

“True.”

“But, I’m hearing more than that. You want more; he definitely wants more. If you want him to stay in your heart, where he deserves to stay…then you have to tell him everything. Let him prove to you what he’s made of.”

“That’s what scares the hell out of me. What if he proves he’s just as big of an ass as all the others?”

“Then you’ve lost nothing.”

“Nothing? He’s been one of my best friends for 10 years…even as a kid, he was the greatest person to hang around with. He taught me to let my hair down, not be so afraid of everything.”

“And if that friendship is true, it’ll work its way back. But, Ci, I don’t know…this seems…you’re in love with Nick Carter?”

“I’m not in love with him, Dee.”

“Oh, okay...sure…whatever.”

“I do miss him like mad already.”

“Obviously. So, uh…I have to ask…” Dee wagged her eyebrows at her friend, knowing she’d get her implication.

“Good God, Dee…okay. More than 7 and that’s all I’m gonna say. Now will you excuse me? I forgot to get my mail and I think I need some fresh air. You’re making me think of things I shouldn’t be while I’m here alone.”

As Ciara got to the door, she was stopped short by the shout of her friend. “Wait just one goddamned minute, missy.”

“Yes?”

Dee made her way to the door, realization finally hitting home. “You mean that Bill Clinton, the priest was Nick Carter!? He was at my Halloween party!!!!?”

Ciara smiled, and put on her best Bill Clinton voice, “I did NOT have sexual relations with that nun.”

***

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