Chapter 14:
Whole
Again
It was the
night of the show. I was so nervous I was shaking all over. It reminded me of
the same feeling I got the first time I performed as a Backstreet Boy. The
nervous adrenaline running through my bloodstream; my heart pounding so fast I
could hear it; a herd of butterflies swarming around in my knotting stomach;
wondering if I could pull this off; what if they don’t like me? All these
things were tormenting me again. I’m not a performance virgin, I told myself
again...although, I felt like one.
“Nick,”
I swallowed
hard. Two minutes...two minutes before I officially crash and burn. Nose dive.
Smoking engines...and then the crash. Uh huh...it was coming. I could feel it.
“Okay, thanks,” I smiled halfheartedly.
“Aren’t you
excited?”
“I’m...nervous,
and...scared shitless,” I laughed, not knowing what else to do.
She smiled,
rubbing her hand on my back gently, “Don’t be nervous, or scared. It’s just
like the other shows you’ve done, right?”
“It’s going to
be so different now,” I sighed heavily, turning my face away. “I don’t know
what to expect.”
“Expect a warm
welcome,” AJ said, walking in front of me.
I looked up
into his eyes, only half believing him. “Yeah, sure.”
“You can’t
hear those screams?” He asked me, a smile creeping onto his face.
“I tried not
to,” I smirked.
AJ knelt down
in front of me for eye-to-eye contact perhaps, “Don’t be scared, okay? You’re
gonna be great - just like always.”
I nodded, “I
hope so...” He nodded back, getting up from the ground and approaching the
make-up artist. I looked back up at
“It’s
time...you’re about to go on.”
A cold feeling
formed in my stomach, as I swallowed hard. “I think I’m gonna vomit...” I
replied, my eyes closed, swallowing again.
“Nicky, don’t
say that...you’re gonna be fine.”
“Nick!” I
heard someone yell to me. I opened my eyes to see Brian standing before me.
“We’re on buddy. C’mon, I’ll wheel you out there.”
I nodded as
Brian whirled around behind me, pushing me at a swift pace, towards where we
needed to go. My emotions were piling on top of each other, and I felt a
burning sting in my eyes. I felt like I was about to cry. I quickly wiped my
eyes, hiding my feelings.
We were under
the stage, and I could hear the screaming very well. Although I was still
harboring my nervousness, I felt more at ease. Brian pushed my wheelchair onto
my lift, smiling to me as he walked away and got onto his. We were going to
rise onto the stage within mere moments... I closed my eyes once more, taking a
deep breath and absorbing the screaming from the audience. I smiled. I felt a
sudden jerk, and I was lifting onto the stage. I opened my eyes as I rose
upwards.
Then I saw it,
felt it, heard it: Thousands of people. Screaming.
Jumping up and down. Glow sticks waving. Smiling faces. Camera light flashing.
Welcome back signs. I looked to my left, seeing AJ smiling at me, almost saying
‘I told you so’.
I couldn’t
wait for my intro. I was going to...well, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say,
or do, but I was going to do something. Being up there made me remember who I
was. I was a performer dammit, and nothing could
change that - not even dead limbs. The entire time I was singing, I know I was
smiling from ear to ear. I couldn’t help it, nor could I hide it. I was the
happiest man alive.
Then, my
introduction. I wheeled myself slowly to the middle of the stage and stopped. I
took a gander from the left of the stage, through the front, and to the right.
I laughed to myself. “Hi everyone...” my voice trailed off as I heard the
shrill screams all at once. Signs raised up from nowhere it seemed. Welcome
back Nick!; Nick we love you; I [heart] Nick; We’ve missed you!
I felt the
tears welling up in my eyes. Smiling, I tried to speak again. “You know, six
and a half months ago, I was in a car accident with Brian, and...” my voice
trailed off. They knew, why say it? I paused, looking out through the audience.
Some of them had tears in their eyes as well. “I-I never thought I’d ever be
able to-to get up here and perform again for you guys,” my voice quivered,
tears paving paths down my cheeks. I wiped them away quickly, “I just wanna
thank each and every one of you guys for being here tonight. Thank you all so
much for your continual love and support,” my vision cloudy from my tears, I
could barely see the audience any longer. “You guys, along with Brian, made me
realize how much this still is a part of my life. Thanks...I love you all.” I
smiled, blowing a kiss to them. Quickly, I wiped my eyes and wheeled myself
back where the other guys were waiting for me.
As soon as I
returned, Kevin engulfed me in a hug, tears streaming down his face as well.
Then I felt more arms surrounding me, everyone sniffling. “Welcome back Nick,”
Kevin said to me. Welcome back. Not just back to touring, or back to
Backstreet, but back to being me. I’d forgotten who I was, and what made me
happy. Being up there on stage, performing for thousands of excited fans - that
makes me happy. Very happy, to say the least. It was Brian who helped me
realize this by pressuring me to tour again. I owed him one.
After we took
our bows, and the show was over, I told Brian I wanted to talk to him. He
nodded, but had a weary look on his face. When we were back in our hotel room,
I spilled the beans.
“Thanks man,”
I said softly.
“For what?”
I stared at
him awkwardly, “What do you mean ‘for what’? For everything. You have no idea
how much I appreciate you pressuring me into doing this again.”
“Pressuring
you?” He asked nervously.
“If you hadn’t
have told me that you guys thought of touring without me then I wouldn’t have
even decided to do this. I owe you big time, man.”
“No you
don’t,” he laughed.
“You made me
realize,” I took a deep breath, feeling the tears stinging my eyes.
“Made you
realize what Frack?” He asked quietly.
“I still am
the same guy,” I started, tears making their paths down my cheeks. “I haven’t
really changed inside, even though I look a little...different.”
He smiled, “I
told you! I told you all along that you were the same person, and you didn’t
believe me.”
“Sorry for not
believing you in the first place. It’s just hard to get used to this,” I
sighed, wiping my eyes and sniffling. “People stare, and there’s a lotta stuff
I can’t do anymore. But, I’m determined, and...I’ve realized that you were
right to begin with.”
“That’ll teach
you. Always listen to Frick. He knows what he’s talking about.”
I smiled,
“Don’t get all big headed...that’s the only compliment you’re getting from me.”
“Same ol’
Frack,” he laughed, smiling as he patted me on my back gently.
The End
***
