Chapter
4:
Explanation
Granted
When I awoke,
I wasn’t alone. All of the guys were there, whether they be sitting or
standing. Each had a somber look on his face. I didn’t say anything.
“Hey, Nick.”
Howie called, smiling a goofy smile he always did when he was scared of the
situation at hand.
I turned my
head slowly, staring up into his eyes blankly.
“How’re ya
holdin’ up?” Kevin asked, approaching the bed.
My stare
followed to Kevin’s intense emerald eyes. Again, I remained silent.
“The doctor
told us everything,” he added.
I snickered,
shaking my head. So he told them more than he told me? Just fucking
brilliant!
“Nick, say
something.” He enthused.
What was there
to say? I sighed. “What do you want me to say, Kevin?”
“Something -
anything.”
“What do you want
me to say?” I repeated in an angry tone. “I can’t say anything to you that you
don’t already know!”
“We just want
to know that you’re all right,” AJ looked down at the floor as he spoke.
Tears began to
form in my eyes again. I tried to stop them, really I did; still they were
persistent. I wiped my eyes, and looked at each of them. “None of you get it. I
can see that right now. In case you didn’t realize - I’m not all right.
Okay? There. I said it. I’m not all right!” I could feel my face burning
with anger, tears burning my eyes...
I leaned back
and stared at the ceiling, crying slightly, but still trying to stop myself
from looking foolish. I swallowed hard, my hands squeezing themselves into
fists.
“Nick,
everything’s gonna be fine.” Yeah, thanks Kevin. Glad someone was optimistic...
I sure as hell wasn’t.
“How can you
even say that with a straight face?” I asked, turning to face him. “You haven’t
got a clue, Kevin. I don’t care what you think, or how confident you are -
everything is not going to be perfectly fine!”
“Not being
able to use your legs isn’t the end of the world.” Is everyone sharing a brain
for God’s sake? Brian had said pretty much the same thing to me earlier. I know
they're cousins, but damn.
“It’s not just
my legs...” I didn’t care to elaborate on anything else that would be of
no use to me now.
“You will get
a wheelchair...”
I stopped him,
“What if I don’t want a wheelchair? What if I wanna learn to walk
again?” I sobbed, rocking the bed a bit.
“The chances
of that happening...” Kevin paused, carefully choosing his words perhaps. “Nick
- lets not kid ourselves here...”
When my bottom
lip started to quiver, I knew it was over. Here come more tears. I hated Kevin
at that moment. He couldn’t just stand there and talk to me like this. “Kevin, I
just want things to go back to the way they were! I can’t live like this. I need
to be able to walk!” I used my hands to cover my eyes as I wept.
“I understand
that," he said soothingly. "But you will need to learn alternative
ways of getting around. You can’t walk anymore, Nick - stop denying it.”
It rang in my
head repeatedly, the repetition making my head throb. You can’t walk
anymore, Nick - stop denying it. He was right. As much as I hated to admit
it, I would more than likely - pretty much certainly - never walk again. “What
did the doctor tell you?” I asked, wiping my eyes.
“When he came
in, he told us everything.”
Can you
elaborate? “Did he say when he’s coming back? I wanna talk to him. He didn’t
say much to me at all.”
Kevin nodded.
The others just lingered there, silently, each staring at me like I had the
plague and they were scared to get too close. “He said he’d be back in a few
minutes,“ Brian told me. None of this would’ve even happened if it weren’t for you
Brian! I turned to him and felt my face reddening even more. His lack of
driving skills had caused this... I shook the thought from my mind and tried to
think of something else. Anything else.
The door
opened and in came the short, pudgy, balding doctor. That bastard of a doctor
that left me there all alone, crying, while he tended to someone else. Probably
was having an affair with a nurse or something. Hey, you never know. All of the
guys turned around simultaneously to see him standing there.
He smiled
crookedly, “How is everything going?”
This was
becoming very annoying. As if he didn’t know that asking was going to
upset me. How can a man in his line of work, of his stature, act so damn
cheery around a patient - a victim - someone who was in a situation like
mine. Nobody said anything to him.
“Sorry about
leaving earlier, Mr. Carter, I had some...”
“Business to
do, yeah, I understand,” I snapped.
“Well, there
are some things that we need to talk about.”
No kidding.
Where did this guy get his education? I rolled my eyes and nodded.
“I know you’ve
got questions and -” I interrupted him.
“Can we talk, alone?”
I asked. The guys looked to each other and nodded to me, departing the room
without delay. “So, what happened? Why am I...paralyzed?” Just saying
the word left a sour taste in my mouth and a burning sensation in my stomach.
“During the
accident, your spinal cord was damaged,” I zoned out. The wreck replayed again
in my mind. Those last moments before the crash in slow motion. My own screams
in the background... Was I even wearing my seat belt?
I interrupted
him again. “Will I ever be able to walk again?”
He paused, his
mouth gaped open, but nothing escaping his lips. “The spinal cord is part of
your nervous system, Mr. Carter, and it's the largest nerve in your body. These
nerves, they carry messages from your brain to different parts of your body.
These messages may tell a certain body part to move; or a part of your body may
relay messages, like, say - pain, back up to your brain -” I stopped him.
“I just wanna
know if I’ll be able to walk again.”
“Each case is
different, and each injury effects the body in a different way. I’ll have to
run some tests to see exactly how much damage was done to your spinal cord.
I'll also need to see what parts of your body were affected, and which ones
weren‘t,” He paused for only a moment to clear his throat. “With rehabilitation
some patients do walk again, others don’t. Again, each case is
different. It depends on how bad the damage is. Either way, you will need
therapy - physical and emotional - to deal with this.”
Okay. So, I might
be able to walk again. I doubted it, but...I wanted to remain positive. “What
about my sex life? Can I...?” I stopped.
His beady eyes
scanned over my face, waiting to see if I'd continue. “This will also depend on
your individual case, Mr. Carter. More than likely you won’t feel anything to
your penis, but the possibility of getting erections is there. Most patients
can get them if not from touch, then from or the aid of Viagra. Some people
have reported finding areas of their skin that are as exciting to touch
as their genitals were before injury.”
“Will I be
able to father children?” I asked, my eyes staring at him blankly.
“If you can
ejaculate, then the possibility is there, but only 10 percent of men with
spinal cord injury - or SCI, as it's commonly called - can ejaculate during
intercourse. If you are unable to, then down the road when you and your future
wife decide you want children, you can use several options available to assist
you.”
This was a lot
to take in... I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. Not being able to walk again
was one thing, but not being able to feel intimate touches was a whole other
story. Not being able to ejaculate or father a child was bad too. And
explaining all this to a partner was going to be even worse. Add more wood to
the fire, and it keeps on burning...
***
