Chapter 9:
Heart to
Heart
“No one
deserves this, Brian,” I began, rubbing my hand gently over his back for
comfort. “Not you, not me...not anybody. I’m glad that it was me though,
instead of you.” Chronic liar, I know... Glad is too happy of a word to
use. I should’ve rephrased that one. But the jist of
it was correct, just a wrongfully placed emotion.
“You don’t
deserve this, Frack. You’re still so young, and there are so many things you
should be out doing. I never, ever, ever thought that this would happen... I’m
so sorry, Nick. Please, please forgive me.” He was repeating himself as he
cried on my shoulder. It was almost like role reversal. I should’ve been the
one crying on his shoulder, telling him everything I'd bottled up, but somehow
this seemed right. I owed him a shoulder to cry on, since I’d blamed him, and
then shut him out of my life entirely...
“Shhh....” I
paused, the silence filled with his muffled cries. “It’s okay, Brian.
Everything’s gonna be fine.” Inwardly I sighed.
He pulled
away, and our eyes met. Brian wiped his eyes quickly and cleared his throat,
“So, what’s new?”
Changing the
subject... very typical for Brian, but I guess considering the circumstances it
was perfectly normal. I gave him an uneasy glare, and he turned his face away.
“I’ve been getting around ya know...and I think I’m actually going to start
dating again.”
“That’s
great,” he sniffled, wiping his eyes.
“Yeah.” I
looked up at him, and realized he was glancing over my body. Probably trying to
get used to seeing me this way.
“So, uh...” I
watched as he nervously twisted his T-shirt in his hands, “Is there any chance
that you’ll ever be able to...” he stopped when our eyes met again.
“Walk again?”
I finished.
He nodded
lightly, “Yeah.”
“I don’t think
so...but, I‘m hoping eventually they‘ll come out with some new treatments and
maybe I‘ll be able to walk again,” I smiled to him, signifying I was in high
spirits, but he didn’t smile back.
“Can you...”
his voice trailed off.
I immediately
got the impression he was very nervous, and scared of what he could and could
not talk to me about. “Can I what?”
“Nevermind.”
“No, it’s all
right, Frick. You can ask me anything, I’m okay with it.”
“It’s none of
my business, and I shouldn’t even -”
I stopped him,
placing a hand on his shoulder, “Brian, you can ask me anything. I’m not gonna
get offended, or hurt...”
“But it isn’t
any of my business, and I -”
“Brian!” I
laughed. “We’re friends, okay? You can ask anything, and I’ll answer it. Don’t
feel like it’s not your business. Go on and ask me. C’mon, I insist.”
“O-okay,” he
swallowed hard, talking a deep breath afterwards. “Can you...” he paused again,
“when the time comes, will you be able to...ha-have children?”
“Possibly.
I’ll have to use Viagra probably, or maybe even some other not-too-pleasant
methods, like actually inflating my dick," I laughed uneasily as the
unpleasant thought. "But I might be able to do it on my own.” I had to be
straight forward, you can’t sugar coat these things.
“I just
wondered because...I mean, you’re," he paused, searching for the right
word perhaps, “paralyzed from the waist down and so that kind of...well, you
know.” I knew exactly what he was getting at.
“I know what
you’re talking about.”
“So, do you
get...” He made gestures, but never finished. He turned away.
“Do I...get
erections?” I questioned hoping maybe I hit the mark with that wild guess. He
nodded. “I stiffen, but I don’t get hard...if that means anything
to you.” I watched as he nodded slightly. “I don’t know if it’s enough even to
have sex, but I guess there‘s only one way for me to find out.” I laughed,
expecting at least a small chuckle out of him. Nothing. I guess after my
somewhat graphic description of my stiffening appendage, he didn’t find humor
in it...
That night,
after Brian left, it felt like there was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
I felt like saying I forgave him would allow him to forgive himself. Seeing him
like that opened my eyes. This wasn’t just affecting me, it was affecting my
friends too.
***
