Chapter 19

Tara let herself into her apartment, dragging her bag behind her. She didn't want to be here. Every bone in her body was screaming at her that she should still be in Dallas, with Nick, and yet, here she was, back home.

Leaving Nick had been a form of torture in and of itself. They had spent the morning talking to Agent Palmer, as well as Backstreet's management, trying to put together a statement that would be released explaining the threats the group had been receiving, and somehow dealing with the pictures of Nick that were now flying around the Internet. Nick had a very difficult time with the entire conversation, the idea that people around the world were seeing those pictures was totally heartbreaking, and almost too humiliating for him to bear.

Then Tara had to leave. It seemed almost as if Nick had forgotten she wasn't staying, he'd seemed stunned when Billy came to get her, and looked as if he was going to burst into tears when she was saying goodbye. And the hug he'd given her…Tara bit her lip, her eyes filling with tears at the memory. He'd grabbed her in a bone crushing bear hug, and absolutely refused to let her go, it was only when Billy told them (for the third time) that she was going to miss her flight that he finally released her.

So now she was home. "Home sweet home," she said sarcastically, walking through her apartment and throwing her bag down on her bed. She'd unpack later. Right now…she saw her answering machine blinking, and pressed the play button, hoping Nick had called. She'd asked him to call and let her know how the night's concert had gone…

But the deep voice that rang out from her answering machine was definitely not Nick's.

Tara's eyes widened, and she turned to stare at the machine, listening to the words the voice sang.

Listen, I mean it, there's nothing that he's worthy of.
He's just another player, playing in the name of love.
I've seen enough, now this must come to an end.
Get another boyfriend.

"Let's talk about what he's done!"

Tara jumped a foot in the air at the sound of someone standing behind her singing, and whirled around, glaring at Andy angrily. "Jesus, Andy!"

"To become your number one, was it all the promises of diamond, pearls, and party dresses that turned you on," Andy continued, grinning at Tara's reaction. "I've seen it before…"

"Shut up," Tara covered his mouth with her hand, rolling her eyes. "Let me save this, ok?"

"God, someone's in a mood," he sighed, and sat down on the couch, watching as she pressed save on the answering machine before joining him. "Not a good weekend in Backstreet land?"

"Not at all," Tara said softly, shaking her head. "What song was that?"

"Was what?"

"The one you were just singing, on my machine?" Tara asked in exasperation. "What other song could I possibly have been referring to?"

"Get Another Boyfriend," Andy told her, his eyes narrowing when her face paled. "What?"

"I don't know," she whispered, staring at him as her heart pounded in her chest. "I don't know what it means, oh god, how did he find out who I am? How did he get my phone number?"

"Who's he, Tar, back up," Andy's expression grew serious when he saw her panic, and he looked at her closely. "Tara? What happened this weekend?"

"This weekend," Tara shook her head slowly. "God, it's only been a weekend."

"Yes, darlin, you left Friday night," he reminded her with a small smile.

"It feels like it was so much longer…."

"And WHY exactly is that?" Andy asked.

"Just, so much happened," Tara sat back and ran a hand through her hair, her head spinning. "Friday night was amazing, but then it all just…changed."

Andy sighed, and looked at Tara, shaking his head. "Babe, I STILL don't understand what the hell you're talking about."

"Fine, Andy, you want to know? I'll tell you," Tara snapped, annoyed with Andy's cute comments. "I slept with Nick on Friday night. It was wonderful, and I realized that I'm in love with him."

Andy's mouth fell open, and he stared at Tara, stunned beyond words.

"But then, right after, literally, Andy, RIGHT after, someone took Nick. Someone did something awful to him…." Tara began to cry, burying her face in her hands. "And now Nick is in pain, and upset, and I can't be there with him."

"Oh, baby," Andy recovered from his shock enough to pull Tara into a hug, rubbing her back consolingly.

"AND this guy has my phone number, and he's calling me, oh god, Andy, what have I gotten myself into?" She cried, burying her head in his chest. "I don't know what to do anymore…"

"Ok, sweetie, take a big deep breath," Andy spoke to her as if she were a child, running a hand through her hair. "You're gonna start at the beginning, and give me all the gory details, and then Uncle Andy will make it all right."

"Uncle Andy?" Tara couldn't help but laugh through her tears. "Since when?"

"I figured that while Queen Andy may be more appropriate, it doesn't inspire much confidence," he grinned, and wiped a tear from her cheek. "Now, you gonna tell me?"

Tara nodded, and sniffled. "Thanks, Andy."

"Hey, that's what I'm here for."

"Ok," Tara took a deep breath, and sighed. "So, Friday night…"

********************************************************

"Good show tonight, Nick," Kevin said as headed to their hotel rooms after the night's concert.

"Yeah, right," Nick muttered, walking awkwardly down the hallway. He gritted his teeth together, ignoring the pain he felt in his body with every step, concentrating on getting back to his hotel room. There, he could collapse, take his pain pills, and try not to think until tomorrow…

"You did good, Nick, especially, well," Brian smiled at Nick lightly. "All things considered."

Nick rolled his eyes, and glared at Brian. "Can't you say it?"

Brian stopped walking, and looked at Nick in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"All things considered," Nick mocked him, frowning when Howie and Kevin stopped to stare. "What? Why don't you say what actually happened?"

"Nick, we don't want to hurt…" Howie started, but Nick silenced him with a glare.

"Hurt? Who? Me? Could I hurt any MORE, Howie? You don't want to hurt me?" He snorted, and shook his head. "If you didn't want to hurt me, you would have kept the whole world from seeing it, you would have stopped this show from happening tonight, and you would have made sure that the ONE PERSON I actually want to see right now would be here," he stopped to take a breath, looking at the sad faces around him angrily. "You would have done a lot of things you didn't do."

"Nicky, we're trying," AJ said softly.

"How the hell are you trying when you can't even say what happened?" Nick turned back to Brian, his jaw set in a hard line. "Say it Brian, what happened to me?"

"Nick, I, god," Brian's eyes filled with tears, and he shook his head slowly. "It was awful, Nick, you didn't have to see….." he gasped and covered his mouth, looking at Nick in horror. "I mean, I'm sure it was worse going through it, but…"

"Shut up," Nick interrupted him. "I was RAPED, Brian, say it. Someone took a fucking dildo and stuck it up my ass. Say what really happened, I can't take this bullshit trying to avoid saying it."

Brian winced at Nick's harsh words, as tears began to trickle down his face. "Nicky…"

"I don't want your pity, any of you," he looked around at the group, shaking his head at their stunned expressions. "You saw it, but I lived it. I'm the one with the stitches to prove it. Cancel this goddamn tour, or leave me alone." And with that, he hobbled down the hallway and into his room, slamming the door behind him.

"Oh god," Brian covered his face with his hands, slumping over his knees. "He's right, Kevin, we need to cancel, we can't do this to him."

Kevin's face was stricken, as he looked at his cousin, "The FBI says we shouldn't…."

"FUCK the FBI!" AJ shouted, kicking the wall in his frustration. "They don't have to look at their brother falling apart like this. Do we really have to wait and see what's going to happen to Brian before we stop this?"

Brian slid down to the floor, a soft sob leaving his throat. "Poor Nicky…"

"Maybe when Tara comes back, he'll be better?" Kevin said hopefully.

"What, for another weekend?" Howie asked, shaking his head. "That's not good enough Kevin, and you know it."

"Get a psychiatrist to tour with us, help Nick…"

"Cancel the tour," AJ said again. "Right now. We're going to admit tomorrow that something's been going on, we can easily change that to say that we're calling off the tour because of it."

"Then we look like we're running scared," Kevin said sadly.

"WE ARE RUNNING SCARED!" Brian shouted, jumping up and glaring at his cousin. "Did you look at Nick? Did you hear what he said? Jesus christ, Kevin, what more do you fucking want to happen!"

Kevin stared at his cousin, shocked by what he'd said. "Brian…"

"Don't," Brian stepped back, shaking his head. "Nothing you say can make this right."

"Dammit, Kevin, we should have canceled the tour weeks ago, then none of this would have happened," AJ glared at Kevin. "But no, you wanted to keep it going, dammit."

"ME!" Kevin stared at AJ. "I wanted to cancel! It's Howie who insisted we keep touring, Howie and Nick. Blame him," he gestured to Howie angrily. "Not me!"

"If we'd canceled, Nick would be fine right now," Brian said sadly.

"Sure, pass the blame. Don't you go getting all patronizing on us now, Kevin, it so won't work, and I'm not in the mood for one your lectures," AJ's eyes narrowed. "I swear to fucking god, if you try, I'm gonna smack you one."

"It WAS Howie!" Kevin insisted, getting angry when AJ just continued to berate him. "Fuck this shit, you're a stubborn prick."

"Asshole," AJ shot back.

"Hit him, maybe it'll knock some sense into him," Brian suggested to AJ, shocking himself with the depth of his anger towards his cousin.

"Maybe I should."

"Do you think this is what he wants?" Howie interrupted, unphased by their angry accusations.

The three men stared at him, confusion written across their faces. "What?" AJ asked the question on all of their minds.

"This guy. He said we're on top, he wants to bring us down, right? Destroy everything we love." Howie ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head slowly. "What do we all love? What have we ALWAYS had?"

AJ gasped, and nodded, "each other."

"And what's being destroyed right before our eyes?" Howie looked at all of them sadly. "We are nothing without each other, and look what we're doing."

Kevin fell back to lean against the wall, his eyes raised upwards. "I don't know what to do…"

"Maybe this is one decision you don't have to make," AJ said softly, touching Kevin's arm. "We've made it. Tour's off."

"How is canceling the tour going to help anything, though?" Howie offered. "I know I'm flipping sides like a yo-yo here, but, think about it. If he wants to destroy what means the most to us, what is that? Our love for each other, and our love for performing, for our music."

"So now you're saying we should keep touring?" Kevin asked Howie, sounding as if he was in a daze. "God, I can't deal with this."

"If it keeps us together?"

Brian looked at Howie sadly, and wiped the tears from his eyes. "But what about Nick?"

"We all love Nick, we need to remind him of that," Howie said firmly. "We need to stop pretending a 'thing' happened to him, and admit it for what it was. Including you."

"I can't say it," Brian shook his head quickly. "I won't, I can't…"

"He was raped," AJ said, sighing when Brian let out a sob. "Nick has to deal with it, Brian, and so do you."

"He's right, Brian," Kevin agreed, his stomach churning as he spoke the words himself. "Nick was raped. And we all have to learn to accept that."

"It's not accepting it I can't do, I know it happened, christ, I SAW it happen!" Brian shouted angrily. "I just don't want to say it!"

"You don't want to say it OR think about it, Brian, and that's why Nick got so angry," AJ said harshly. "Nick can't pretend it didn't happen, he's never going to be able to forget it. You need to be able to do the same."

"Say it," Howie said.

Brian started to cry again, shaking his head. "No, god, no, don't make me…"

"Say it."

"I love Nick, I don't want this to happen to him…"

"It HAPPENED, Brian, deal with it!" Kevin grabbed Brian's shoulders, and looked him right in the eyes. "Repeat after me. Nick was raped Friday night."

Brian took a shaky breath, and stared back at Kevin. "Nick was…was…." His lip trembled, as he struggled to say the words. "Raped," he finally choked out, falling into Kevin's arms as he began to cry.

"There you go," Kevin hugged his cousin tight, sighing heavily. "We should get out of the hallway, god forbid anyone come along and catch us like this."

"Or heard that entire conversation," AJ remarked wryly. "What a clip that'd be."

"Don't say that," Howie groaned. "Who's room we going to?"

Kevin slowly walked Brian down the hallway, shrugging. "Wherever."

"This is mine," Brian stopped, and opened the door to his room, waving them in.

"This works," AJ took a few steps into the room, before stopping dead in his tracks. "Um, guys? Maybe we should meet somewhere else?"

Howie walked in and looked at AJ curiously. "Why? This is as good as any…"

AJ sniffed the air, his face turning green. "We should get outta here."

"Why?" Kevin asked, noticing the panic crossing AJ's face. "What's wrong, Bone?"

AJ's voice was shaky as he asked, "anyone else smell smoke?"

***

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