Chapter 11:
Tomorrow, Forever, Together
Several
hours later, they were ready for an attempt to see Nick. A.J. looked a little
spacey from his medication, but he sobered quickly when they reached Nick’s
doorway. Brian moaned softly at the sight before him. If Kevin had been bad,
nothing prepared them for Nick.
If
Brian hadn’t been told that this was his best friend, he wouldn’t have guessed.
He looked incredibly frail, nothing like the 6’1” young man that he used to
play basketball with and pull pranks with on the others. A long gash ran along
the side of his face, disappearing under the white bandage that encircled his
head. There was no color to his skin. A large bruise covered his right cheek, a
startling contrast to his pale face. His chest rose and fell with the rhythm of
the respirator, and there were more machines connected to him than Brian
thought humanly possible. Nick seemed more machine than human, as if the
machines were controlling every function of his body. Brian looked over at Nick’s knee, which was
locked in a brace. He remembered the shattered kneecap. Insanely, Brian
wondered if he would be able to play basketball with him again with that knee.
The room was eerily silent, and Brian resisted the urge to scream.
A.J.
couldn’t believe what he was seeing. This was not Nick. This couldn’t be Nick.
The Nick he knew was always laughing and joking, and so full of life. This
looked like an empty shell. The respirator was what killed him. It looked like
it should be choking him, but in reality it was what was keeping him alive.
He
looked quickly up at Howie, who stared at their fifth group member,
disbelieving. Brian placed his hand gently on Nick’s arm.
“Nicky,”
he said softly, remarkably calm. “It’s time to wake up. You need to come back
to us. Do you hear me? Enough of the bullshit.” The only response was the
ticking of the machines surrounding them.
“We’re
all a little freaked here, man,” A.J. added. “I know you like pranks but this
one’s a little over the top, don’t you think?”
Howie
managed a tiny smile. “Yeah, and I have to deal with A.J. as my roommate. The
sooner you and Kevin get up the sooner I can get out of here.”
“Don’t
listen to him, Nick, I’m a great roommate,” A.J. told him. “He’s just mad
because I keep winning at cards.”
Brian
tried to smile at their light banter, knowing it was the kind of thing Nick
needed to hear from them, but he couldn’t join in. Instead, his face contorted,
and he choked back a sob. The sound of the respirator seemed to be mocking him,
and it was driving him mad. He kept telling himself to be strong, but it was so
hard.
Howie
saw that Brian was slowly losing control of himself, and thought quickly. He
decided that if it could help A.J., it could help Brian, and maybe even Nick.
Anything for them to concentrate on, besides how close to death Nick seemed to
be.
“Don’t
wanna lose you now, oh no, I know we can win this.
Don’t
wanna lose you now, no no, or ever again,” he sang softly.
His
voice was far from its best, but right then it didn’t matter. A.J. glanced at
him in surprise, but quickly joined in.
“Don’t
wanna lose you now,” Howie began again.
“Don’t
wanna lose you now,” A.J. chimed in softly.
“I
know we can win this,” Brian continued, surprising them both.
“Don’t
wanna lose you now, or ever again.”
Brian
took over, and although his pain and suffering showed clearly in every note he
sang, it was still like a voice out of heaven.
“I’ve
got this feeling you’re not gonna stay, it’s burning within me
The
fear of losing, of slipping away, it just keeps getting closer.
Whatever
reason to leave that you have, Your place is right here beside us.
And
I wish that I didn’t need you so bad, your face just won’t go away.”
A.J.
couldn’t help but think that if any of this helped Nick, it was that voice. Follow
it home, A.J. thought.
“Don’t
wanna lose to loneliness,
I
know that we can win,” they all three sang together
“Don’t
wanna lose to emptiness,”
“Oh
no, Never again.”
“Don’t
wanna lose to loneliness,”
“No
way,” Brian
murmured.
“I
know that we can win this.
Don’t
wanna lose you now,
No no, or ever again.”
A.J.
finished for them.
“Don’t
wanna lose you now,” he ended quietly, not caring that his throat and his
ribs were killing him.
Had any
of them noticed or cared, they would have found that everyone in the ICU had
stopped and was staring at them. They were pleading for their friend’s life
with the gifts that God had given them, and though they were far from top form,
the melody had been hauntingly beautiful. The sound was soft, lacking the power
that they projected in their concerts. But the strength their hearts created
behind their words took away the breath of anyone who could hear it.
Silence
existed everywhere for a few moments, and a tear ran down the face of one of
the nurses. Dr. Westin had been speaking with another doctor, but his full
attention was now on the three Backstreet Boys. At that moment, he would have
given anything to pull the other two young men through. The silence lasted for
a few more moments until it was broken by the sounds of Brian’s heavy
sobs.
Brian
folded his arms and rested them on Nick’s bed and buried his head in them,
shaking uncontrollably. Howie went over to him, doing his best to crouch down
beside him. Brian felt his presence and put his head into Howie’s shoulder,
weeping shamelessly. A.J. had to turn away as his own tears fell; watching
Brian fall to pieces was too much to bear. He looked so pale and weak, especially
with the oxygen mask he still wore. One tap was all that was needed to make him
shatter into a million pieces.
Howie
looked up as a nurse approached them. He shook his head at her and raised a
hand that told her to leave them alone.
Brian’s
sobs finally began to slow, and he tried to get a grip on himself.
“You
know,” he said after a while, searching for anything to make things seem
somewhat normal again. “Maybe if we’d done ‘If You Want It To Be Good Girl’
he’d come around.”
A slow
smile spread across A.J.’s face. “That sure as hell
would have gotten his attention,” he said gruffly, trying to hide the fact that
he had been crying.
When he
was ready, all three were taken back to their rooms. This time A.J. offered to
go in with Brian. Howie was grateful to him. There was no way he would have
abandoned his friend, but he was exhausted and needed to lie down. He had not
slept since early that morning. It was probably the best arrangement anyhow,
A.J. looked as though he too needed the company. It made him feel better to
give Brian his support; it was his way of dealing with it. He would rather
focus on the others than to face his own grief.
“Bone?”
Brian asked in a tiny voice.
“Yeah
man?”
“What’s
going to happen if they die?”
“They
aren’t going to,” A.J. said, harsher than he meant to.
“I keep
trying to believe that,” he said over a wave of emotion that was trying to get
the better of him. “But did you see him? That’s not Nick. That is not the Nick
I know. God, A.J. the four of you have been so much apart of my life, how am I
supposed to live the rest of it without them?”
“I
don’t know,” A.J. said with a tremble. “I don’t know Rok. The only thing I know
is that you and me, and Howie, will do it together. No matter where you look,
we’ll be there. I couldn’t do it any other way.”
“Me
neither,” Brian said softly. “You know, if I had just one more day with them, I
might be able to handle this. One more day.” He wrung his hands, a look of pure
anguish contorting his face. “For Christ sakes Alex, he probably hates me right
now! The last time I spoke with him I screamed at him and told him that I never
wanted to see him again. If he dies, the last moment I will have had with him I
told him he was worthless. I can’t live with that. Jesus, I can’t live with
that.”
A.J.’s eyes stung as he watched his friend suffer. When he found
his voice, he managed to choke out whatever solace he could find. “Brian, you
know he knows better than that. Friends fight. Best friends fight. What you
said may have hurt, but deep down he knows. You don’t have to tell him. That’s
the beauty of the friendship y’all have. He just knows. No matter what, you’ve
got his forgiveness. Even I know that. The question is, whether or not you can
forgive yourself. You have to Brian. Howie and I need you, and we need you
right now.”
Brian
reached out and seized his hand, squeezing it as tightly as he could. “I’m not
going anywhere,” he said.
“Thank
God,” A.J. said with a weak smile. “No matter what happens, we stand together.
If we do that, we can make it. I hope to God they are with us. But if they
aren’t, we’ll get up and go on, and we’ll do it together.”
Brian
nodded. “Together.”
As he
watched Brian fall asleep, A.J. realized just how much worse he looked from
that morning. Brian was a strong person, one they could all count on, but right
now he was so badly broken that A.J. feared they wouldn’t get him back, despite
the words he had just said. What if they weren’t strong enough? Angrily, he
fought back the doubt and sought out some hope. Maybe after this last
breakdown, Brian would be all right. He had to be. He couldn’t keep going on
like this. None of them could. A.J. prayed silently for the countless time for
Nick and Kevin to pull through, and for this terrible nightmare to end.
***