Chapter 27:

Homecoming

Howie, A.J., and Kevin had tried everything they could think of to reach their missing band mate. Howie called Brian’s cell phone, which they then discovered he’d left behind when Kevin was the one who had answered it. A.J. suggested that Howie go back to the apartment to wait and see if he showed up there. A.J. himself refused to leave the phone, just in case he called. In between keeping an eye on the local channels to see if he had been spotted, Kevin called Brian’s parents to see if by any chance he had tried to contact them. He hadn’t. Before the Littrells could panic, Kevin explained what had happened, leaving out many of the details, and promised them he would call back as soon as Brian had been found.

“Where the hell could he possibly have gone?” A.J. exclaimed for the umpteenth time. There was little else he could do to keep himself occupied, and the more time that passed the more vocal he seemed to become over the situation.

“I don’t know,” Kevin said with a sigh. “I guess we’ll find out when he wants us to. I’m going to go check on Nick.”

“How is he?”

“He was still asleep when I looked in on him last. I’d guess he’ll be up pretty soon.” Kevin leaned hard on his crutch, looking torn.

“What is it?” A.J. asked bluntly. Subtle had never been something he was good at, and with all the hell that had broken loose he was way beyond making any attempts at it.

Kevin leaned on his crutch, looking like a lost boy as opposed to a fully-grown man. “What do you think brought all of this on?” he asked softly. He had missed so much during his recovery that he didn’t understand where any of this had come from. He was hoping, praying, that A.J. could shed some light on something that to him had seemed so utterly senseless.

“I don’t know if I understand it,” A.J. said, somewhat uncomfortably, “But I have a vague idea.” Kevin waited for him to continue. “When Howie and I came to see him after he woke up, he keep going on and on about how needed to make Brian stop crying. He kept saying how sorry he was, and that he had to come back so he wouldn’t cry.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Well, when they took him off of that respirator, Brian just lost it. And you should thank your lucky stars you weren’t there when they told him they were taking him off of it. God, the things he was yelling… he blamed me and Howie for not stopping them.”

Kevin was silent.

“He kept flipping out, Kevin. It was bad. They wouldn’t let him see you or Nick because he wasn’t strong enough, and he just couldn’t take it. I swear it almost killed him. I was so glad when you woke up. You kinda brought him back for us.”

“I had no idea,” Kevin said softly, his heart aching.

“I wonder if Nick somehow knew. You know those people who have out of body experiences, or some shit? Maybe it was something like that.” He tossed one hand outward, brushing it off as ridiculous. “I don’t know. That probably sounds crazy. But it’s the only thing I can think of.”

“Maybe it’s not so crazy.”

“Do you actually believe in that kind of stuff?”

“I don’t know. Do you?”

“Not really. But I think that somehow he knew.”

They were interrupted by when one of the PTs stuck her head in on them. “Kevin,” she said hesitantly. “He’s waking up.”

Kevin immediately stood up and grabbed his crutches and headed for Nick’s room, leaving A.J. behind to resume his endless pacing.

God, if you’re up there, enough is enough, he thought. Bring him home.

* * *

Nick looked absolutely miserable. Kevin eased into a chair next to him, trying to figure out what the hell to even say. What he had done was unforgivable, but at the same time Kevin felt for him. He was lost and confused, and utterly ashamed.

“Is he back?” Nick asked, refusing to make eye contact.

“No, not yet,” Kevin said softly.

“This is my fault.”

Kevin allowed a tiny smile. “A little while ago you said it was all Brian’s fault. Make up your mind.”

“Why? Why did I do that? Why did I say it? I don’t even know where it came from. He’s my best friend!”

“Easy Nicky,” Kevin said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“What am I gonna do?” Nick whispered.

“I don’t know. We’ll figure it out when we find him.”

“What if we don’t?” He finally looked up at Kevin, fear in his eyes.

“Don’t even say that. We’ll find him. He’s kind of easy to spot.”

“How could I have hurt him like that? Did you see his eyes?”

“Yeah,” Kevin said gruffly. “I saw them.” They sat in silence for a while. “How long have you felt like that, Nick?”

“Almost since I woke up,” Nick said, guiltily. “I didn’t really know why, until today. I kept telling myself it was silly, but every time I was around him it got worse.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

Nick knew that Kevin was not angry with him, and that he could trust him. He would trust Kevin with anything, any of them would. But he couldn’t tell him. There was only one person he could tell, and he had driven that person away.

“No. I can’t. Please understand. I just can’t.”

“It’s ok. It’s ok Nicky. I understand. I just want you to know that if you need to tell me anything, I’ll be here to listen. No matter what.”

“I know. Thank you.”

Kevin wrapped him up in another hug, and Nick wiped his eyes before accepting the Kleenex Kevin offered him. “Do you still feel that way? About Brian?” he asked.

Nick shook his head. “No. I… I don’t understand it.” He blew his nose loudly.

“He went through an awful lot for you and me, Nick. This is going to be hard to fix. You kicked him when he was down.”

“I know!” Nick said, his voice rising. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Give him your hand and help him up.”

“I just want him to come back. God, I will never forgive myself if something happens to him.”

* * *

Howie sighed as he opened the door to their apartment. It was getting late, and still no sign of Brian. He had gone out again to look around, but to no avail. He was nowhere. Howie dropped his keys on the counter, wanting nothing more than a hot shower and a good nights sleep. He might get the first one, but until Brian was found the odds of achieving the second one were slim to none. Rubbing the back of his neck to try and relieve some of the tension, he headed over to the sofa where he had left his cell phone, wanting to check in with A.J. one more time. Upon entering the living room he stopped in his tracks, not quite believing his eyes. Brian was there, curled up on the couch, asleep.

He blinked in disbelief. Brian looked pale and weary, and very vulnerable as he clutched a pillow to tightly to his chest, but otherwise fine. Howie had a million questions to ask him, but decided to let him sleep, but forced himself to wait. Brian needed sleep, and Howie was determined to let him have it. He poked around for an extra blanket and carefully draped it over his sleeping friend before flipping off the lamp on a table beside his head. As soon as he located his phone, he hurried into his bedroom and dialed Kevin.

“This is Kevin.”

“He’s back.”

“He is?” Kevin exclaimed, almost dropping the phone. Howie grinned into the receiver as the other man fumbled with it. “How is he?” he asked breathlessly when he had regained control. “Where the hell was he?”

“I don’t know. I went out looking for him again, and when I came back he was asleep on the couch. He is out, man. But he looks fine. I have no idea where he could have been.”

“Well as long as he’s ok,” Kevin said with a sigh of relief.

“How are things there?”

“Nick’s put himself in the doghouse. He feels terrible.”

“He should.”

“Relax D. I’ll handle this one. You worry about him for now. We have got to put this behind us. If we can’t make this right we can kiss the Backstreet Boys goodbye.”

“You’re right,” Howie said, putting his fingertips to his forehead. “Where’s A.J. at?”

“He was gonna stay here tonight. That ok with you?”

“Yeah. That’ll be good actually. I don’t want to assault him with a group when he wakes up. I’ll try and talk to him, and then we’ll be over tomorrow, I hope. You may want to keep Nick out of sight when we get there.”

“No problem. Like I said, it’s under control.”

After he hung up, Howie crashed. The day’s events had sucked the life out of him and he was out like a light, but not before vowing to be the first one up in the morning.

* * *

When Brian finally stirred, he could smell coffee brewing in the kitchen. Opening his eyes, he sat up slowly, suppressing a groan when his stiff joints complained bitterly to the motion. He rolled his head around, trying to get the kinks out. A banging noise in the kitchen caught his attention, and he looked up to see Howie messing around with a assortment of pots and pans. Brian hoisted himself up off of the couch and stumbled into the kitchen to see what was up.

“Hey man,” Howie said, concentrating on the eggs he was scrambling.

“Morning,” Brian said with a yawn. “Smells good.”

“That’s ‘cause it is good. Sit down, breakfast will be ready in a minute.”

Brian sat. “Where’s A.J.?”

“He stayed at the center last night.”

“Oh.”

Howie finished with the eggs, and served them on two plates, along with some bacon. He then picked up a container with warm tortillas and set it in the middle of the table, winking at Brian’s dumfounded look. To top it off he brought over two mugs of steaming coffee and a carton of juice.

“Just like mommy used to make,” Brian said teasingly.

“What can I say?” Howie said with a grin.

“I knew you’d take advantage of all of this Mexican stuff while were here.”

“Don’t knock the breakfast taco. It is an art. Want some hot sauce?”

“Gimmie. Damn, you thought of everything didn’t you?”

“They don’t call me Latin Lover for nothing. Potatoes will be ready in a minute.”

“My name is Howie D. and this is how we do it,” Brian mimicked. “Bacon and eggs, pancakes, orange juice…”

“I have spatula and I am not afraid to use it,” Howie said threateningly, waving about the said spatula. Brian pretended to cower in fear before snickering.

Howie finally sat down and the two began to eat. At first he tried to wait and see if Brian would bring up the subject of yesterday on his own, but unfortunately he seemed in no hurry to do so. Clearing his throat reluctantly, he decided it was up to him to at least try and get some answers out of him.

“Look, Bri. If you don’t want to talk about it I understand, but I’m willing to listen.”

Brian looked up from his plate and smiled uncertainly. “It’s ok.” Howie scowled doubtfully. “Really, it is,” he insisted. “I did a lot of thinking yesterday.”

“Where did you go?”

“The Riverwalk.”

“And you weren’t spotted?” Howie said incredulously.

“I stayed on the quiet section. Not many people.”

“For eight hours?”

“Yeah. I guess it was that long.” He stared off into space, and at first Howie didn’t think he was going to continue, but eventually he drew in a breath and spoke again. “You know,” he said thoughtfully, “I’m almost glad it happened. I found a few answers I wasn’t even sure I was looking for.”

“Like what?”

Brian looked down at the table, fishing around his plate with his fork before returning his attention to his friend. “Something has been missing ever since it happened,” he said slowly, determined find the right words. “Nothing has been right. Not with Nick, not with anything. I… I just haven’t been able to let go and admit that what happened might mean that things won’t ever be the same as they were before. I couldn’t see that, I wouldn’t see that, and until I did I didn’t have anything to hold on to. At first I tried clinging to Nick, but then when he let go… I didn’t know what to do.”

Howie watched him carefully, waiting for him to go on.

“You remember that day in the hospital, when they first told me Nick was going to come off of the respirator?”

“Yes, I do.”

“I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am.”

“Brian, don’t.”

“No, let me finish,” he insisted. “I never apologized to you and A.J. I couldn’t bear the thought of letting go of him. You and A.J. accepted what you knew was best for him, and I just couldn’t. And I couldn’t stand the thought that you were right. That’s why I said those horrible things. I didn’t want things to change. I was too afraid.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Howie said softly.

“I think that’s why everything was so hard for me. I tried to shut out all of the bad things that were going on, and refused to face and accept the consequences of what happened that night. It was too much, and I couldn’t handle it.” He paused and frowned.

“Does this make any sense?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think it does. What brought about the change?” Howie asked quietly.

“It’ll probably sound silly to you, but trust me, it had a big impact on me.”

“It won’t. You know that.”

“Well, I just sat and thought for a long time. When I was tired of sitting, I walked. When it hurt to keep walking, I sat again. I was an honest to goodness lost soul, Howie. I had no idea where to go or what to do. I had this insane notion that if I just got far enough away, I could leave it all behind.”

“That’s not so insane.”

“Maybe not. But when I was sitting there, I heard music from up the hill. The part of the river where I was is nothing but restored houses. I never did figure out which house it was coming from, but I couldn’t tune it out. Then I started hearing the words, and all of the sudden things just seemed to make sense. I still don’t understand what went wrong with Nick, and the thought that he blames me is one that I hate. I want so badly to be able to fix it, but I don’t know if I can. But you know what? That’s ok. Whatever happens next, I’ll be ok. I just have to keep going, and somewhere along the way, it will get better.”

“What was the song?” Howie asked curiously.

Brian gave him a lopsided smile. “You won’t believe this. I hadn’t heard it before, and when I found out where it was from I wanted to die, but I knew who it was right off the bat. Talk about ironic.” He cleared his throat and began to sing the words. Howie’s eyes slowly widened as Brian sang. When he hit the chorus, Howie almost fell off of his chair.

“Oh my God,” Howie murmured. Brian nodded, his eyes looking downward.

“Who sings that?” Howie demanded. “I haven’t heard it either.”

Brian hid a grin behind his hand, propping his elbow up on the table. He mumbled something under his breath.

“Who?”

“I said ‘NSYNC.”

“You’re shitting me.”

“I shit you not.”

Howie laughed. “Is that on one of their Europe releases or something?”

“Nope. Worse.”

“What then?”

“Remember the soundtrack that Aaron got that song in not too long ago?”

“Which one- oh. Wait, no. Do not say Pokemon. Is it Pokemon? Come on, you can’t be serious.”

“I have never been more serious in my entire life.”

“Oh well,” Howie said with a helpless shrug. “Take help where you can find it, right?”

“I know, right? God works in mysterious ways.” He sobered all the sudden. “Someone was trying to chat with me,” he said softly. “So I let Him bring me some peace.” He stood up, looking more secure than Howie had seen him since this entire mess had started.

“I’m ready to go back now.”

***

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