Chapter 9:

Holding On

“Can we go see Brian?” Howie asked anxiously.

It was difficult to keep track of time, but Pollyanna had informed him that it was Tuesday morning, the fourth morning since the wreck. He felt a little more alert now, after a long night of sleep. He couldn’t remember the last time he had spent so much time sleeping. Denise McLean and Dr. Westin had told A.J. all about the wreck while Howie slept earlier that morning. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, but he handled it better than anyone had expected.

“Brian’s not quite up for it, Howie,” Westin said carefully.

“What do you mean?” Howie asked alarmed. A.J. also turned his full attention to the doctor, waiting to hear his response.

“He had a bit of a relapse last night.”

A chill rushed through A.J.’s spine. Brian was in trouble, and they were not there for him. Brian needed them, and they weren’t there.

“What happened?” Howie whispered.

“I’m afraid that he had another anxiety attack. He’s sleeping now,” he added quickly, seeing the expressions on their faces.

“I want to be there when he wakes up,” A.J. said suddenly.

Westin thought for a moment, considering A.J.’s request.

“He needs us. Don’t let him be alone!”

A little of the desperation that had fueled his earlier rampage crept back into A.J.’s hoarse voice. He hoisted himself up on his elbows, and stared Westin straight in the eyes.

“I know I’m tired, and I know I’m weak. But I swear to God I will rip these things out of my arms and give you some real trouble if you don’t take me to Brian.”

Howie smiled a little in relief to see the old A.J creep back up to the surface. There was nothing like a friend in need to bring out the fighter in him. Needless to say, Westin was taken aback, but inwardly pleased at the reaction. A.J. was going to be fine.

He lay back against the pillows, exhausted from his outburst.

“I’ll tell you what,” the doctor said after a moment. “You get some rest. Brian won’t be up at all for a few more hours. When I think it is time, I will have someone bring the two of you up to see him. Is that ok?”

“Ok,” Howie said for the two of them. Before Westin could leave, he asked another question. “How are Nick and Kevin?”

“About the same. Kevin is still in Post Op. He was operated on earlier. I will have a report shortly of how it went. Nick went through surgery as well as can be expected. For now he seems to be stable, but he needs a lot of luck. Having to deal with his injuries on top of his illness is really hard on his body. He has to fight twice as hard as the rest of you.

“What do you mean, his illness?”

Westin looked a bit surprised. “You didn’t know?”

Howie shook his head.

“Nick was very sick with pneumonia.”

“What?” Howie and A.J. said together in disbelief.

Howie was dumbfounded. “Oh my God. That’s what was wrong. He was sick and didn’t tell anyone. Jesus.”

“What do you mean?” A.J. asked.

“Do you remember the fight Nick and Brian had? Nick was being a total ass. His performance that night was less than stellar, and Brian asked him about it. They blew up at each other. That’s the last thing I remember. The wreck must have happened after that.

“I don’t remember,” A.J. said, dong his best to try.

Howie turned to the doctor. “Whatever you do, don’t tell that to Brian. None of us knew he was sick; he’s really good at hiding it. It would kill him to know that the last thing he did with Nick was yell at him the way he did when he was sick.”

“Would he even remember?” A.J. asked.

“Part of him does,” Howie said bitterly. “You haven’t seen him. He may not remember what happened, but somewhere deep down he knows. It’s eating at him. It’s what keeps causing his anxiety attacks, isn’t it.” It was not a question.

“That’s probably about right,” Westin said softly. “I’m hoping that the two of you can help pull him out of this.”

“What are we going to do if they don’t make it?” A.J. whispered. “It will kill him. That’s his cousin and his best friend.”

Howie glared at him. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. Do you hear me? Ever!”

A.J. just shook his head miserably.

“We have high hopes,” Westin tried to assure them. “But we do have to be prepared for the worst.”

“When can we see them?”

“I was thinking about letting you up to see them this evening. I’m pleased with your progress, and I think it would be all right.”

“Not A.J.?” Howie asked, knitting his brow.

“I’m going out on a limb letting him up to see Brian.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready for that anyway,” A.J. said quietly, staring at the ceiling. “I want to, but…”

“I can’t go alone,” Howie said, disturbed at the thought. “I can’t do that alone.”

“I’ll come and see how you feel a little later. There’s no rush.” He turned and left them alone.

“We have to be there for them,” Howie told A.J. “They need us. Brian needs us. We can’t leave them alone.”

“No,” A.J. said as a tear ran down his cheek. “God no, we can’t leave them alone.” He bit his lip, screwing up his courage. “But I’m scared, Howie. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here with me…”

“I know what you would do,” Howie said to himself, shivering at the memory of A.J. gone berserk.

“What?” A.J. asked him.

“Nothing.”

Howie would never tell him. He couldn’t.

“Just shut up and sleep so we can be there for Brian. We can at least do that much.”

* * *

It wasn’t long before Dr. Westin came back to get them.

“Do you still want to do this?”

“Yes,” Howie said firmly.

“Ok then, this is how it’s going to go. A.J., Nurse Andrea and I are going to help you get into this chair. You need to tell me if your ribs bother you. Howie did well before, but you aggravated things…earlier.”

“I did?” A.J. asked with a frown. Dr. Westin pretended not to hear him, hoping he wouldn’t have to explain. He moved over to Howie, and helped him into his chair. Howie grunted uncomfortably.

“The rest of the guys had better heal quick, because this is killing me,” he muttered, attempting to bring some humor to the situation. Westin smiled.

“Ok, A.J., your turn.” It took a little longer to get A.J. in the chair, but they finally succeeded.

“Oh man, this hurts like a bitch!” he remarked sullenly. “I’m ok,” he added quickly, seeing Westin’s raised eyebrow.

“Are you sure?”

“If I’m lying you’ll know when I pass out.”

“Right,” he said dryly.

“Can’t they just wheel my bed next time?” A.J. whined as he was pushed out the door.

“A.J.,” Howie warned. “Shut up.”

Both of them were surprised to see a large security guard standing right outside of their room. Dr. Westin explained. “There are a lot of your fans all over the place. We’re doing a good job keeping them outside, but we’ve had a couple get closer than we’d like. Security is just to make sure that you get the privacy you deserve.”

The two of them glanced at each other. The public hadn’t even crossed their minds.

“What is everybody saying about us?” Howie asked curiously.

“We have been keeping most of the details quiet. There was a small press conference yesterday. Everybody knows that there was an accident, but we’ve tried to keep the details to a complete minimum for your own sake.”

“Good Lord, they will want to know that we are ok,” Howie said.

“I think other things are more important right now,” A.J. said somewhat angrily.

“Eventually we are going to have to face the public,” Howie pointed out.

“Only when you are ready,” Westin insisted. “No one is going to pressure you to do or say anything. You are going to take all of the time that you need, Understand?”

“Yeah,” Howie answered.

“Here we go,” Westin said as he and the nurse guided them into Brian’s room, placing them on either side of the bed.

“He may not wake up for a little while yet. Andrea here is going to be right around the corner at the nurse’s station. If you need anything just call her.”

“Right,” Howie murmured. A.J. was staring at Brian’s still form in front of him.

“Oh my God,” he whispered, horrified at the sight. Howie had said that things were bad, but he had never pictured this. Brian looked so small and frail…

“We’re here Rok,” A.J. told him when he found his voice. “We’re here for you.”

After about twenty minutes had passed, Brian stirred. Howie pushed himself up out of his chair with a grimace. He gripped on to the railing of the bed and waited for his friend to open his eyes. A.J. watched Howie carefully, looking for any sign that he would need help. Satisfied that he wouldn’t, he turned his attention back to Brian, who opened his eyes slowly.

“A.J.?” he croaked in surprise. “Is that really you?”

“Yeah, bro. It’s me,” A.J, said comfortingly, patting his hand.

“I don’t believe it.”

“You thought you could get rid of me that easily? Never.” He had been hoping for a smile, anything to reassure him that the person in front of him was still the Brian he had known for so long. He didn’t get it. “Howie’s here too,” he murmured.

“I’m right here, Rok,” Howie said.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Brian said softly, closing his eyes briefly.

“Believe me, we are too. You have got to quit scaring us like that.”

“What?” he asked, confused.

“Nothing. Never mind,” A.J. told him. “We just came to chill with you a little while because the Doc said you weren’t doing so hot.”

Brian began to cry quietly. “They won’t let me see Nick or Kevin.”

“I know. They won’t let us see them either,” Howie said. “But they are gonna be ok. Don’t worry. They will be ok.”

“You don’t know that.”

“But I know them. And they are not going to leave us.” Beads of sweat popped out on Howie’s forehead, and the hand that helped support his weight had begun to tremble a bit.

“Howie, sit down,” A.J. ordered. “Now.”

Brian tried to focus on him as Howie maneuvered himself back to his chair.

“D, are you all right?”

“Don’t worry about me. Worry about you. You have got us all freaked out. You won’t do Nick and Kevin any good by working yourself up the way you keep doing. The best thing you can do for them is to get better yourself, and you aren’t letting that happen. Not to mention, A.J. will kick your ass if you don’t pull yourself together.

“I yelled at him,” Brian said closing his eyes again.

A.J. looked at him blankly, but Howie understood. “Yeah, you did. But that’s ok. He knows you didn’t mean it. He’s Nick. He understands. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

“I can’t help it,” he said, choking back more tears.

“Yes you can,” Howie insisted. “You just have to put some effort into it and help yourself out a little. What is Nick going to say when he wakes up and finds you like this? He is going to be pissed and you know it.”

Brian gave a tiny laugh, which turned into a painful wheeze.

“Steady,” A.J. said, raising his voice a bit. He glanced up at Howie, his face a little pale. “I think I need to head back. I’m gonna pass out.”

“For Christ sakes, get the nurse then,” Howie said, exasperated. A.J. pressed the call button, and a moment later Andrea walked in.

“Unless you want me all over the floor I think I need to go back and lie down,” A.J. informed her. She rolled her eyes and looked questionably at Howie.

“I’ll stay for a little while longer,” Howie responded. “If that’s ok.”

“Sure. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

After they had left, Howie looked Brian straight in the eyes. “Don’t give up on us. Whatever you do, don’t give up on us. We need each other, and you can’t give up on us.”

Brian shook his head, tears falling on his pillow. “I won’t,” he said determinedly. “I promise.”

Howie squeezed his hand. “Thanks.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Just get better. Understand?”

“I have never been able to win an argument with you before, Howie. What makes you think I can start now?”

Howie forced a smile. “Good point.” He became serious again. “I’ll tell you what. You just worry about getting better for a while. When Dr. Westin says its ok, we will go and see Nick and Kevin together. I don’t think we should do it alone.”

Brian nodded gratefully. “I would like that.”

“So stop worrying about it until then. And besides, Kevin just had surgery. The last thing he would want is for us to be mothering him when he needs his sleep. You know what a bear he can be. Nick too.”

“Howie?” Brian asked, hesitantly.

“What?”

“I don’t deserve friends like you and the others.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Howie exclaimed. “Jesus, Brian. Don’t do this to yourself.”

The torture that haunted Brian’s eyes looked almost ready to consume him, and it broke Howie apart inside. There were only to people who could relieve it: Nick and Kevin. And that wasn’t possible. He can’t do this by himself, Howie thought.

“Brian,” Howie said slowly. “I know that what you’re feeling is killing you. I know that I can’t help you the way you need to be helped. You need them, and I can’t give them to you. The only thing I have to offer is the assurance that A.J. and I are hurting just like you. The five of us are a part of each other, and that will never change. No matter what happens. And I know that I cannot take losing one of you, not to mention three. Right now I am petrified that I am going to lose you too.”

Brian was moved by Howie’s words. For the first time he began to see the effect that this disaster was having on all of them. His eyes filled again, and threatened to spill over.

“I have watched two of what I consider to be my own family fall to pieces right before my eyes. What you feel you do or don’t deserve doesn’t matter. You have what you have, and right now we are all we’ve got. Don’t let go of that. Ever.”

* * *

By the time the nurse came to fetch Howie, Brian looked much better. A little of his color had returned, and he seemed to be resting peacefully for the first time since the accident.

“How did you do that?” the nurse whispered incredulously.

“We’ve been together as a group for a long time,” Howie told her. “I’ve had a lot of practice.”

***

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