Chapter 9:
Holding On
“Can we
go see Brian?” Howie asked anxiously.
It was
difficult to keep track of time, but Pollyanna had informed him that it was
Tuesday morning, the fourth morning since the wreck. He felt a little more
alert now, after a long night of sleep. He couldn’t remember the last time he
had spent so much time sleeping. Denise McLean and Dr. Westin had told A.J. all
about the wreck while Howie slept earlier that morning. His eyes were red and
puffy from crying, but he handled it better than anyone had expected.
“Brian’s
not quite up for it, Howie,” Westin said carefully.
“What
do you mean?” Howie asked alarmed. A.J. also turned his full attention to the
doctor, waiting to hear his response.
“He had
a bit of a relapse last night.”
A chill
rushed through A.J.’s spine. Brian was in trouble,
and they were not there for him. Brian needed them, and they weren’t
there.
“What
happened?” Howie whispered.
“I’m
afraid that he had another anxiety attack. He’s sleeping now,” he added quickly,
seeing the expressions on their faces.
“I want
to be there when he wakes up,” A.J. said suddenly.
Westin
thought for a moment, considering A.J.’s
request.
“He
needs us. Don’t let him be alone!”
A
little of the desperation that had fueled his earlier rampage crept back into A.J.’s hoarse voice. He hoisted himself up on his elbows,
and stared Westin straight in the eyes.
“I know
I’m tired, and I know I’m weak. But I swear to God I will rip these
things out of my arms and give you some real trouble if you don’t take me to
Brian.”
Howie
smiled a little in relief to see the old A.J creep back up to the surface.
There was nothing like a friend in need to bring out the fighter in him.
Needless to say, Westin was taken aback, but inwardly pleased at the reaction.
A.J. was going to be fine.
He lay
back against the pillows, exhausted from his outburst.
“I’ll
tell you what,” the doctor said after a moment. “You get some rest. Brian won’t
be up at all for a few more hours. When I think it is time, I will have someone
bring the two of you up to see him. Is that ok?”
“Ok,”
Howie said for the two of them. Before Westin could leave, he asked another
question. “How are Nick and Kevin?”
“About
the same. Kevin is still in Post Op. He was operated on earlier. I will have a
report shortly of how it went. Nick went through surgery as well as can be
expected. For now he seems to be stable, but he needs a lot of luck. Having to
deal with his injuries on top of his illness is really hard on his body. He has
to fight twice as hard as the rest of you.
“What
do you mean, his illness?”
Westin
looked a bit surprised. “You didn’t know?”
Howie
shook his head.
“Nick
was very sick with pneumonia.”
“What?”
Howie and A.J. said together in disbelief.
Howie
was dumbfounded. “Oh my God. That’s what was wrong. He was sick and didn’t tell
anyone. Jesus.”
“What
do you mean?” A.J. asked.
“Do you
remember the fight Nick and Brian had? Nick was being a total ass. His
performance that night was less than stellar, and Brian asked him about it.
They blew up at each other. That’s the last thing I remember. The wreck must
have happened after that.
“I
don’t remember,” A.J. said, dong his best to try.
Howie
turned to the doctor. “Whatever you do, don’t tell that to Brian. None of us
knew he was sick; he’s really good at hiding it. It would kill him to know that
the last thing he did with Nick was yell at him the way he did when he was
sick.”
“Would
he even remember?” A.J. asked.
“Part
of him does,” Howie said bitterly. “You haven’t seen him. He may not remember
what happened, but somewhere deep down he knows. It’s eating at him. It’s what
keeps causing his anxiety attacks, isn’t it.” It was not a question.
“That’s
probably about right,” Westin said softly. “I’m hoping that the two of you can
help pull him out of this.”
“What
are we going to do if they don’t make it?” A.J. whispered. “It will kill him.
That’s his cousin and his best friend.”
Howie
glared at him. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. Do you hear me? Ever!”
A.J.
just shook his head miserably.
“We
have high hopes,” Westin tried to assure them. “But we do have to be prepared
for the worst.”
“When
can we see them?”
“I was
thinking about letting you up to see them this evening. I’m pleased with your
progress, and I think it would be all right.”
“Not
A.J.?” Howie asked, knitting his brow.
“I’m
going out on a limb letting him up to see Brian.”
“I
don’t know if I’m ready for that anyway,” A.J. said quietly, staring at the
ceiling. “I want to, but…”
“I
can’t go alone,” Howie said, disturbed at the thought. “I can’t do that alone.”
“I’ll
come and see how you feel a little later. There’s no rush.” He turned and left
them alone.
“We
have to be there for them,” Howie told A.J. “They need us. Brian needs us. We
can’t leave them alone.”
“No,”
A.J. said as a tear ran down his cheek. “God no, we can’t leave them alone.” He
bit his lip, screwing up his courage. “But I’m scared, Howie. I’m scared and I
don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here with
me…”
“I know
what you would do,” Howie said to himself, shivering at the memory of A.J. gone
berserk.
“What?”
A.J. asked him.
“Nothing.”
Howie
would never tell him. He couldn’t.
“Just
shut up and sleep so we can be there for Brian. We can at least do that much.”
* * *
It
wasn’t long before Dr. Westin came back to get them.
“Do you
still want to do this?”
“Yes,”
Howie said firmly.
“Ok
then, this is how it’s going to go. A.J., Nurse Andrea and I are going to help
you get into this chair. You need to tell me if your ribs bother you. Howie did
well before, but you aggravated things…earlier.”
“I
did?” A.J. asked with a frown. Dr. Westin pretended not to hear him, hoping he
wouldn’t have to explain. He moved over to Howie, and helped him into his
chair. Howie grunted uncomfortably.
“The
rest of the guys had better heal quick, because this is killing me,” he
muttered, attempting to bring some humor to the situation. Westin smiled.
“Ok,
A.J., your turn.” It took a little
longer to get A.J. in the chair, but they finally succeeded.
“Oh
man, this hurts like a bitch!” he remarked sullenly. “I’m ok,” he added
quickly, seeing Westin’s raised eyebrow.
“Are
you sure?”
“If I’m
lying you’ll know when I pass out.”
“Right,”
he said dryly.
“Can’t
they just wheel my bed next time?” A.J. whined as he was pushed out the door.
“A.J.,”
Howie warned. “Shut up.”
Both of
them were surprised to see a large security guard standing right outside of
their room. Dr. Westin explained. “There are a lot of your fans all over the
place. We’re doing a good job keeping them outside, but we’ve had a couple get
closer than we’d like. Security is just to make sure that you get the privacy
you deserve.”
The two
of them glanced at each other. The public hadn’t even crossed their minds.
“What
is everybody saying about us?” Howie asked curiously.
“We
have been keeping most of the details quiet. There was a small press conference
yesterday. Everybody knows that there was an accident, but we’ve tried to keep
the details to a complete minimum for your own sake.”
“Good
Lord, they will want to know that we are ok,” Howie said.
“I
think other things are more important right now,” A.J. said somewhat angrily.
“Eventually
we are going to have to face the public,” Howie pointed out.
“Only
when you are ready,” Westin insisted. “No one is going to pressure you to do or
say anything. You are going to take all of the time that you need, Understand?”
“Yeah,”
Howie answered.
“Here
we go,” Westin said as he and the nurse guided them into Brian’s room, placing
them on either side of the bed.
“He may
not wake up for a little while yet. Andrea here is going to be right around the
corner at the nurse’s station. If you need anything just call her.”
“Right,”
Howie murmured. A.J. was staring at Brian’s still form in front of him.
“Oh my
God,” he whispered, horrified at the sight. Howie had said that things were
bad, but he had never pictured this. Brian looked so small and frail…
“We’re
here Rok,” A.J. told him when he found his voice. “We’re here for you.”
After
about twenty minutes had passed, Brian stirred. Howie pushed himself up out of
his chair with a grimace. He gripped on to the railing of the bed and waited for
his friend to open his eyes. A.J. watched Howie carefully, looking for any sign
that he would need help. Satisfied that he wouldn’t, he turned his attention
back to Brian, who opened his eyes slowly.
“A.J.?”
he croaked in surprise. “Is that really you?”
“Yeah,
bro. It’s me,” A.J, said comfortingly, patting his hand.
“I
don’t believe it.”
“You
thought you could get rid of me that easily? Never.” He had been hoping for a
smile, anything to reassure him that the person in front of him was still the
Brian he had known for so long. He didn’t get it. “Howie’s here too,” he
murmured.
“I’m
right here, Rok,” Howie said.
“I’m so
glad you’re here,” Brian said softly, closing his eyes briefly.
“Believe
me, we are too. You have got to quit scaring us like that.”
“What?”
he asked, confused.
“Nothing.
Never mind,” A.J. told him. “We just came to chill with you a little while
because the Doc said you weren’t doing so hot.”
Brian
began to cry quietly. “They won’t let me see Nick or Kevin.”
“I
know. They won’t let us see them either,” Howie said. “But they are gonna be
ok. Don’t worry. They will be ok.”
“You
don’t know that.”
“But I
know them. And they are not going to leave us.” Beads of sweat popped out on
Howie’s forehead, and the hand that helped support his weight had begun to
tremble a bit.
“Howie,
sit down,” A.J. ordered. “Now.”
Brian
tried to focus on him as Howie maneuvered himself back to his chair.
“D, are
you all right?”
“Don’t
worry about me. Worry about you. You have got us all freaked out. You won’t do
Nick and Kevin any good by working yourself up the way you keep doing. The best
thing you can do for them is to get better yourself, and you aren’t letting
that happen. Not to mention, A.J. will kick your ass if you don’t pull yourself
together.
“I
yelled at him,” Brian said closing his eyes again.
A.J.
looked at him blankly, but Howie understood. “Yeah, you did. But that’s ok. He
knows you didn’t mean it. He’s Nick. He understands. Don’t beat yourself up
over it.”
“I
can’t help it,” he said, choking back more tears.
“Yes
you can,” Howie insisted. “You just have to put some effort into it and help
yourself out a little. What is Nick going to say when he wakes up and finds you
like this? He is going to be pissed and you know it.”
Brian
gave a tiny laugh, which turned into a painful wheeze.
“Steady,”
A.J. said, raising his voice a bit. He glanced up at Howie, his face a little
pale. “I think I need to head back. I’m gonna pass out.”
“For
Christ sakes, get the nurse then,” Howie said, exasperated. A.J. pressed the
call button, and a moment later Andrea walked in.
“Unless
you want me all over the floor I think I need to go back and lie down,” A.J.
informed her. She rolled her eyes and looked questionably at Howie.
“I’ll
stay for a little while longer,” Howie responded. “If that’s ok.”
“Sure.
I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
After
they had left, Howie looked Brian straight in the eyes. “Don’t give up on us.
Whatever you do, don’t give up on us. We need each other, and you can’t
give up on us.”
Brian
shook his head, tears falling on his pillow. “I won’t,” he said determinedly.
“I promise.”
Howie
squeezed his hand. “Thanks.”
“I’m
sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t
be sorry. Just get better. Understand?”
“I have
never been able to win an argument with you before, Howie. What makes you think
I can start now?”
Howie
forced a smile. “Good point.” He became serious again. “I’ll tell you what. You
just worry about getting better for a while. When Dr. Westin says its ok, we
will go and see Nick and Kevin together. I don’t think we should do it alone.”
Brian
nodded gratefully. “I would like that.”
“So
stop worrying about it until then. And besides, Kevin just had surgery. The
last thing he would want is for us to be mothering him when he needs his sleep.
You know what a bear he can be. Nick too.”
“Howie?”
Brian asked, hesitantly.
“What?”
“I
don’t deserve friends like you and the others.”
“What
the hell does that mean?” Howie exclaimed. “Jesus, Brian. Don’t do this to
yourself.”
The
torture that haunted Brian’s eyes looked almost ready to consume him, and it
broke Howie apart inside. There were only to people who could relieve it: Nick
and Kevin. And that wasn’t possible. He can’t do this by himself, Howie
thought.
“Brian,”
Howie said slowly. “I know that what you’re feeling is killing you. I know that
I can’t help you the way you need to be helped. You need them, and I can’t give
them to you. The only thing I have to offer is the assurance that A.J. and I
are hurting just like you. The five of us are a part of each other, and that
will never change. No matter what happens. And I know that I cannot take
losing one of you, not to mention three. Right now I am petrified that I am
going to lose you too.”
Brian
was moved by Howie’s words. For the first time he began to see the effect that
this disaster was having on all of them. His eyes filled again, and threatened
to spill over.
“I have
watched two of what I consider to be my own family fall to pieces right before
my eyes. What you feel you do or don’t deserve doesn’t matter. You have what
you have, and right now we are all we’ve got. Don’t let go of that. Ever.”
* * *
By the
time the nurse came to fetch Howie, Brian looked much better. A little of his
color had returned, and he seemed to be resting peacefully for the first time
since the accident.
“How
did you do that?” the nurse whispered incredulously.
“We’ve
been together as a group for a long time,” Howie told her. “I’ve had a lot of
practice.”
***