You Go, I Go

 

Part 1

 

I let myself into the apartment I shared with my best friend and dumped the bags I was carrying on the floor. I had just gotten home from my job where I worked at a grocery store. It was a nice job to have while I made my way through college. It was dark so I flipped on the light. To my great shock everything was clean in the small living room. Kyung must have cleaned it before going to class because when I left this morning it was a pit. I went straight to my computer and turned it on. I’d let it boot up while I put my groceries away and made some popcorn. I was anxious to check my e-mail and see who was on aol instant messenger.

 

A few months back I met Nick Carter online and since then we had become good friends. We usually talked several times a week depending on what was going on in our lives. We talked easily about pretty much anything and had confided in each other about a lot of things. He had e-mailed me this morning and said their tour bus would be passing through Oklahoma City which was very close to the little town I went to college in. When I wrote him back I had told Nick I would be on at about 5:00pm. It was now ten minutes after. I grabbed my popcorn and parmesan in the refrigerator. Then I proceed to dump a small mountain of parmesan all over it. Nick was one of the few I knew that also ate his popcorn the same way. Recently we had gotten Chrissy on that too. I met her online inadvertently through Nick about a month after I met him. We talked everyday and had also become very good friends.

 

My computer was finally done booting up so I connected it to the internet. I went to instant messenger first and paused a minute before selecting one of my screen names. I had too many to choose from. Finally I chose one of my newer ones: Sooner Girl. That is what a person was called that went to my college. A Sooner. I signed on and a moment later my buddy list popped up.

 

Nick was on, among a few other people. I was disappointed to see that Chrissy wasn’t on. She usually was at this time. Neither was my other friend Heidi, but I knew she had a class right now. I thought Krisha might be on, but I knew that she would be on that night. That is usually when we talked. I imed Nick and went to check my e-mail while I waited for him to reply.

 

Tidal Wave: Hi.

 

Sooner Girl: Hey, new name?

 

Tidal Wave: Yeah.

 

Sooner Girl: What’s up? Are you in OKC?

 

Tidal Wave: I guess so. I don’t know.

 

A little warning light went off in my head. There was something wrong. He was acting weird.

 

Sooner Girl: Is everything okay?

 

Tidal Wave: No.

 

Sooner Girl: What’s going on?

 

Tidal Wave: Don’t worry about it.

 

Sooner Girl: You know I do. What’s wrong? Where are you? On the bus?

 

Tidal Wave: Yes I am on the bus.

 

Sooner Girl: Are you by yourself?

 

Tidal Wave: Enough with the questions!

 

My eyes widened. Something was definitely wrong. I wasn’t trying to pry, but I was trying to figure out what was wrong. I knew he didn’t like 20 questions so I shouldn’t have gone there. He was worrying me.

 

Sooner Girl: I’m sorry. You don’t have to snap at me. I’m just worried about you, that’s all. You know I’m always here.

 

He didn’t reply for a minute and I sat there anxiously. Just when I was about to ask him if he was there, he said something.

 

Tidal Wave: I can’t take this anymore.

 

My heart skipped a beat. What did he mean?

 

Sooner Girl: Nick?

 

Tidal Wave: I don’t want to live anymore.

 

“Oh my god!” I exclaimed. This wasn’t happening.

 

Sooner Girl: Please don’t say that.

 

Tidal Wave: It’s true.

 

Sooner Girl: You’re scaring me!!

 

Tidal Wave: I am holding a handful of pills.

 

Sooner Girl: Please don’t! Nick, don’t do this! Please!

 

Tidal Wave: I’m sorry. Trust me, it will be better this way.

 

My anger flared. How dare he?! Did he have any idea what he just said? How did this happen? I just talked to him yesterday and everything was okay. What

brought this on all of a sudden? What happened?

 

Sooner Girl: Bullshit Nick! How would it be better to kill yourself? Do you know what that is going to do to everyone?! Please get Brian.

 

Tidal Wave: It’s too late, Lizz. This needs to end. If I am gone, then I can’t hurt anyone anymore.

 

My eyes filled with tears. I had to stop this. I never felt so helpless in my life. If I couldn’t stop him then I would blame myself for the rest of my life. Didn’t he realize how much he has to live for? How much of an impact he has made on so many people’s lives? How many people look up to him and cherish him? How couldn’t he know? In the short time that I knew him he had already touched my heart and become a close friend. I couldn’t lose that.

 

Sooner girl: You are going to hurt people by leaving. Do you know what is going to happen if you are gone?

 

Tidal Wave: It will be better for everyone else.

 

Sooner Girl: NO!! How can you say that Nick? Don’t you realize how special you are?

 

Tidal Wave: No. Sure, people will be upset for a little while, but they will get over it.

 

My mind was racing. I couldn’t type as fast as the thoughts were flowing through my head. I knew I was in a race against time. At any moment he could swallow those pills and then it would be all over. I wanted to type “BRIAN” in big bold letters as if to scream his name. It wouldn’t do any good and the thought was irrational. It wasn’t like we were on the phone and I could scream loud enough to where Brian could here me halfway on the other side of the bus. The helpless feeling was killing me. There was nothing I could do except keep talking to him and try to talk him out of taking the pills.

 

Sooner Girl: No, they won’t. You don’t get over something like that. It stays with you for the rest of your life. Trust me.

 

Tidal Wave: I’m sorry. I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to cause anyone anymore pain.

 

All of the sudden a screen flashed stating he was signed off.

 

“Oh my god, oh my god. Nick...” I moaned. My breath caught in my throat and I was unable to move. He was gone. I sat there frozen to the spot when another screen flashed back on.

 

Tidal Wave: I’m leaving now.

 

I thought he had gone just then and it scared me to death. I was all shook up now.

 

Sooner Girl: Nick you can’t. Please, for the love of God, don’t do this. Please!! I'm begging you!!!!

 

I was losing and I knew it. Panic was threatening to take ahold of me. I couldn’t do anything. He didn’t respond. I frantically typed whatever came to mind.

 

Sooner Girl: Your parents, Nick. Don’t make them go through that.

 

Tidal Wave: No more struggling with their messed up kid.

 

Sooner Girl: What about Brian? What will he do without his best friend? His little brother? It would tear him apart.

 

Tidal Wave: Have some peace at last.

 

Now it began to sink in. It didn’t matter what I said. He was in a state of mind that wouldn’t listen to reason. It was like throwing myself against a brick wall that absolutely wouldn’t budge. I couldn’t reach where he was right now.

 

Sooner Girl: Nick don’t do this to me. I really can’t take losing another friend. I have lost too many. Don’t make me lose another. I can’t do it.

 

Tidal Wave: Yes you can. Lizz, you are strong.

 

I choked back a sob.

 

Sooner Girl: No! A person can only take so much before they can’t handle it anymore. You can only lose so many people that are dear to your heart before it consumes you.

 

Tidal Wave: I’m sorry Lizz. I’m so sorry I hurt you and everyone else. Please forgive me for that. Good luck with everything. Take care of yourself. Goodbye.

 

Something deep inside me snapped. All rational thought was suddenly gone from my mind. The tears were flowing freely now and the only thing that I could focus on now was stopping this. No matter the cost.

 

I reached my hand slowly across my desk to the small brown bottle that was barely within reach. It was called Albuterol and it was used in aerosol treatments for opening up the lungs. Only a tiny bit at a time was used. High doses were lethal. My hands were shaking and my heart was pounding as I numbly began typing to Nick.

 

Sooner Girl: You go, I go.

 

A pause...

 

Tidal Wave: What?!

 

Sooner Girl: You go, I go.

 

Tidal Wave: What the hell does that mean?

 

I was numb still. I almost felt like I was in shock. I was no longer in control of the words that found themselves on the screen. My words.

 

Sooner Girl: I am holding a bottle of Albuterol, Nick. If you swallow the pills, I will drink the bottle. All of it. You know what it would do to me. My heart would beat over 200 times a minute and then stop.

 

Tidal Wave: LIZZ NO!!!

 

Sooner Girl: I will Nick.

 

Tidal Wave: No you won’t! I need to do this. You aren’t going to.

 

Sooner Girl: Damnit Nick!! Are you listening to me?! If you swallow those pills, I will drink this bottle.

 

Tidal Wave: You won’t. Please. Live for me.

 

There was a pause. It felt like years passed, but in reality it was only a few seconds. I couldn’t move. Part of me was going insane inside. Another part of me was dead calm. It was an eeire feeling.

 

Tidal Wave: I took them. I’m sorry.

 

I began to shake again. I unscrewed the lid and set it down on the table. My thoughts weren’t rational anymore. I lifted the tiny brown bottle and drank the contents down. The bottle fell from my hands and surprisingly broke on the floor. I barely noticed.

 

Sooner Girl: You went, I went.

 

Tidal Wave: No...you didn’t. god, please say you didn’t.

 

Sooner Girl: I’m sorry Nick.

 

Tidal Wave: oh god Lizz. no! you can’t. I’ll throw the pills up. please don’t do it!!!!!!

 

I started shaking again although now the cause was different. My heart beat grew rapid. I reached for the keyboard and had a hard time hitting the right keys.

 

Sooner Girl: Uit’s too larte Nick. I alreatdy drankl it.

 

Tidal Wave: I’m calling Brian!!! He's just a few feet away from me.

 

I started to get dizzy. Everything seemed to be moving, but I knew it wasn’t. I was shaking so bad I could barely type. I knew I didn’t have much time.

 

Tidal Wave: Lizz, this is Brian. You swallowed a bottle of Albuterol?

 

Sooner Girl: Yes. Hda to dstop Nick.

 

Tidal Wave: Lizz, you need to call 911. Can you do that for me?

 

I was starting to have a hard time staying conscious. My heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. It started to hurt and I whimpered.

 

Sooner Girl: Can’t get tot he phone. Cant move. Nick.

 

Tidal Wave: He is going to be fine. He threw them up. Lizz, I am going to call 911 for you. What is your address?

 

I concentrated really hard and finally started typing what I hoped was my address.

 

Pause.

 

Tidal Wave: Okay, I called them. Stay with me okay? Lizz, stay with me.

 

The beating of my heart grew faster and harder. Everything was spinning at an unbelievable rate. I was going to die. It was a miracle that I stayed typing.

 

Sooner Girl: I’m so sorrty. Please fogrive me/ Ididt want to huet anyoen.

 

Tidal Wave: You saved his life. We’ll talk about that later. Right now you need to stay awake until the paramedics get there. Okay?! STAY WITH ME!

 

The bold letters got my attention and I fought the sleepiness that was threatening to overcome me. I was shaking and I had broken out into a sweat. My heart

pounded and the pain was becoming unbearable. My breathing was in short gasps. I typed very slowly to make sure it was right.

 

Sooner Girl: Tell all those dear to my heart that I love them. And I love you guys too. Don’t let Nicky die. I’m sorry I let you down. I did what I had to do. I have been living on grace and it is time. I’m sorry.

 

My vision disappeared and I wasn’t aware of anything around me. My heart sounded like it was beating in my ears. It was too fast. It hurt too bad. Yet, somewhere, in the depths of my soul I knew that Nick was going to be okay. That was my last thought before everything went black. Unbeknownst to me, the screen kept flashing with frantic messages.

 

Tidal Wave: Lizz, you didn’t let anyone down. Don’t talk like that. You will be fine. Nick will be fine. You saved him. Help is on the way. Just stay with me until then.

 

Tidal Wave: Lizz? Come on. Say something. Hit some keys so I know you are still with us.

 

Tidal Wave: Lizz?!!

 

Tidal Wave: Come on Lizz!!! Lizz!!!

 

Tidal Wave: LIZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

I stared at the screen on my laptop waiting for some sign that Lizz was okay. I glanced over at Brian and I knew he was thinking the same thoughts I was.

 

I blew it, I was selfish and I blew it and now this girl was probably dead because of me.

 

I watched as he typed a final message to her screen name. Brian put his cell phone number and his pager number along with a message for whoever read this to call and let them know how Lizz was.

 

Then Brian sighed and leaned forward, putting his head in his hands. "Why Nick? Why did you take those pills?"

 

"I guess I wasn't thinking," I lied.

 

Brian's head shot up. "BULLSHIT NICK! You had a reason and an intention and I want to know why you did this!"

 

I cringed when Brian swore. He rarely cursed unless something really angered him. I was the obvious subject of his anger.

 

"I dunno, I guess I just let too many people down. Everyone wants something from me. I try to be good and make friends and stuff but it just never works out," I rambled, desperately trying to find some words that hopefully would make sense to Brian and that he would accept my answer.

 

"Let too many people down?" Brian questioned. "Who Nick? Why would you think that?"

 

I gestured at the computer.

 

"You know how I was online trying to kill time during this ride?" I started out, looking past Brian and out the window at the scenery that was passing by.

 

"Yes, go on," Brian encouraged.

 

"Well, it started out okay, but then someone figured out who I was and then suddenly I got accused of being a poser when I told them that I couldn't get them backstage passes and concert tickets for a show."

 

There, I confessed to Brian. I watched him, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. He sat there for the longest time, not speaking, just thinking. He finally started shaking his head slowly.

 

"Nick, why do you go online? You get this every time you go online. Is it worth taking your life over the fact that you can't please everyone and that they call you a poser? Think of your parents or your brother and sisters for that matter. Think of me or your fans. We would die if you did anything to hurt yourself.," Brian stated in a hushed whisper.

 

I shrugged my shoulders. How could I answer his question. I just felt miserable and now I felt totally rotten because of what happened with Lizz. Tears started spilling down onto my cheeks and I angrily wiped them away.

 

Brian wrapped his arms around me and held me, I finally allowed the overwhelming emotions to surface.

 

I started to grow tired, effects from some of the pills that didn't come up when I threw up.

 

"Brian, I want to go to my bunk and lay down, okay?"

 

Brian looked into my eyes. "Are you alright Nick?"

 

I knew he was suspicious. He was going to be my shadow for the next couple of days whether I liked it or not, until he was certain that I was in a better frame of mind. He would have everything locked up and he would be watching me constantly. It was my own fault, I deserved it. I knew this was coming, Brian and I had been down this road before.

 

"Yeah, I'm okay, I'm just a little tired," I replied.

 

I made my way down the narrow aisle towards the bunks. AJ and Howie were laying in theirs, so I tried to be as quiet as possible as I laid back against the pillows and closed my eyes, being lulled to sleep by the vibration of the engine of the bus.

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

There was too much noise. All around me there was an unbelievable level of noise. It made my head hurt. I tried to open my eyes, but they were so heavy. Instead I tried to say something. All that came out though, was a quiet moan.

 

“Lizz? Can you hear me?” I heard a voice somewhere off in the distance. I didn’t recognize it.

 

I moaned again, a little louder this time. Something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel good. Well, that was an understatement. My whole body hurt and I couldn’t think right. Everything seemed too hazy, like I was in a fog.

 

“Lizz, can you open your eyes for me? Lizz?” The unfamiliar voice grew even futher away. The blackness that had previously taken me away, came back.

 

I don’t know how long I faded in and out of consciousness like that. When I finally woke up all the way, the first sensation that came to me was the noise. It was a steady beep. The second sensation that hit me was the pain. It was the same pain that I felt when I barely woke up the first time. I decided to try and open my eyes again.

 

“Lizz!” Came a hushed voice. Kyung was sitting in a chair beside my bed. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she was smiling now.

 

“Wha’ ‘appen?” I whispered. I was shocked at how weak my voice sounded.

 

“You don’t remember?” Kyung asked quietly.

 

I tried to shake my head, but that hurt something fierce so I mouthed “no,” instead.

 

“Lizz, you are in the hospital. In ICU. You swallowed a bottle of Albuterol.” She told me, her voice shaking.

 

My head swam. I did what?! I swallowed a bottle...Oh my god! Everything hit all at once. The conversation with Nick, the pills, the helpless feeling, picking up the bottle of Albuterol, trying to type my good-byes. “Nick!” I tried to cry out.

 

She ignored what I had said. “Lizz, why would you do that? Why did you try to kill yourself?” She was trying to hold back tears.

 

I weakly gestured for her to come closer. “I had to stop Nick. He was going to kill himself and I couldn’t seem to get through to him. Out of sheer desperation I told him I would drink the Albuterol if he took the pills. I guess he didn’t believe me or he didn’t care. I don’t know. But I drank it. I don’t know why. I don’t remember much of anything after that, except saying good-bye.” It was hard to get all that out considering my weakened state, but I was determined.

 

Kyung just stared at me. Finally the tears that she was holding back came spilling down her cheeks. “Lizz, I can’t believe you did that. How could I have lived without my best friend. Lizz, I almost lost you. You almost died.”

 

I started crying too. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I just had to do something. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

 

She put her arms around me and hugged me. “Please don’t ever do something like that again. I couldn’t handle it if I lost you.”

 

We stayed like that for a few minutes. Finally we broke apart and she sat back down.

 

“K, I feel like a truck ran over me. Why do I hurt so much? What happened? How did they find me?” I groaned as the pain seemed to wash over me in waves.

 

“I don’t know how they found you. Did you call 911?” She asked.

 

“I don’t think so. I don’t remember. The only thing I remember after drinking the stuff, was typing out my good-byes. I don’t know why I remember that.” I explained.

 

“I was on duty when they brought you in. You had just started breathing again, but you stopped as soon as they brought you in. They wouldn’t let me work on you, for obvious reasons. They gave you epinephrine to get your heart going again in the ambulance. They also had to intubate you.” She told me. She was an intern here in the hospital. She mostly worked in cardiac cases.

 

My eyes widened. “Shouldn’t I be on a ventilator or something?” For some reason it seemed weird that I wasn’t.

 

Her eyebrows furrowed. “That is the weird thing. By some miracle of God, once they got you breathing again your heart was strong enough to keep your lungs functioning so that you didn’t need to be put on one. I don’t think I have heard of that happening before. You baffled everyone.”

 

That shocked me to say the least. “So I’m going to be okay? Then why do I hurt so much. Every part of me hurts.”

 

“Lizz, first you took a drug that sped up your heart beat to an unbelievable rate. Then your heart stopped and therefore no blood was being pumped through you. When they shot you full of epinephrine everything started functioning in overdrive again. It is a miracle that you are still alive.” Kyung told me as she shook her head. The look on her face was one of sheer wonderment.

 

“Whoa...” I thought a minute. “Kyung, I need you to help me. Will you send an e-mail to Nick? I have to tell him that I am going to be okay.”

 

“Wait, didn’t you say that he swallowed a handful of pills?” Kyung asked.

 

“Yeah, but...” I tried to remember the conversation. I remembered something else. “Brian got on. He said Nick threw them back up. That means he would be okay.”

 

Kyung shook her head. “That doesn’t necessarily mean anything. If he didn’t get them all up he could be in trouble.”

 

I frowned. I knew that he had done this before, but she didn’t know that. I chose my words carefully. “But not everyone ends up this bad if they did this. He’s probably okay right?” I searched her face for a reassurance.

 

“Lizz, a lot of it depends on what he took. And how big of a handful. Some meds would kill him if he took 5 and some wouldn’t if he took 10. It depends.”

 

“But Brian said he was okay.” I argued. “Besides they would try to avoid the hospital at all costs. You know, the media an stuff.”

 

“Yeah, but if it were really serious, then they wouldn’t have a choice. What might have happened after that? He could be fine and then suddenly pass out. Or he could get really sleepy and then not wake up. Or when what he took started to get into his system it could have a bad reaction. Do you know what he took? Is he on any other meds that it could react with?” She gazed at me intently.

 

I paused. “I don’t know...” I said finally. “Damn.” I swore. “Something can’t happen. He has to be okay.” I said in frustration.

 

“Well what about you?!” Kyung cried. “You need to worry about yourself and getting yourself better.”

 

I sighed. “I know, I know. Will you check and sure he isn’t here?” I whispered. The pain was starting to get worse. It was centered around my stomach area. It coursed through my back and whole midsection.

 

“Why would he be here?!” Questioned Kyung. “I thought he lived in Florida.”

 

“They’re on tour right now. Right when I was talking to him he should have been passing through Oklahoma City. He was so close to us. That’s what kills me. He was so close, yet, I still couldn’t do anything.” A lump formed in my throat. “Even if something happened, he isn’t necessarily here. Depends on how close he was to the city.”

 

“Okay, I’ll find out for you. Be right back.” She left and I was alone with my thoughts. That pain in my stomach was becoming borderline unbearable, but I pushed it away. At the present, finding out if Nick was okay. I wanted to believe more than anything was okay, but Kyung’s words, made me worry.

 

She came back five minutes later. “He hasn’t been in yet and I called around and no high-profile patients have come in and no one matching his description has come in either.” She relayed.

 

I smiled tightly. “Thank God.”

 

“Lizz, just don’t get your hopes too far up yet until we know.” She warned.

 

“Will you try to get ahold of him on instant messenger? His name is Tidal Wave.” I asked.

 

She narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think you want me to talk to him.” She said darkly.

 

I recognized that look in her eyes. “K, please. Don’t blame him. It was my own decision.” I pleaded.

 

She started to say something, but changed her mind. “Okay.” She said finally. “What do you want me to say?”

 

I didn’t answer. The pain was shooting now and I couldn’t even think past it. I gasped.

 

“What?!” Kyung exclaimed, her face full of alarm.

 

“My stomach...hurts...on fire...” I managed to gasp out before I started to drift into unconsciousness. I faintly heard the machines I was attached to start beeping shrilly. I heard Kyung yelling too. Then all was silent.

 

*~*~*~*

 

I opened my eyes to see Brian hovering over me, a smile on his face.

 

"Hey buddy, we're here," Brian said as he shook my shoulder.

 

Slowly I sat up, hoping the pounding inside of my head would go away. I knew that this headache would develop into one of those dumb migraines that I would get when I screwed around with my medications.

 

"Are you okay Nick?" Brian asked, a concered look on his face.

 

"Yeah," I whispered. It hurt to talk, hell, it hurt to breathe, but I wasn't going to tell Brian that. He always made a big deal over nothing.

 

"You sure?"

 

God how I hated that! I brushed past him grabbing my duffel bag, slinging it over my shoulder. As a wave of dizziness caused me to fall against the row of seats on the bus, I managed to straighten myself up quickly before Brian or anyone else saw that happen.

 

Michael, one of our managers, stood off to the side of the hotel entrance, clipboard in his hands. I stopped and got my room assignment and the card. Once I got inside the room, I dropped my duffel bag and laid out across the bed.

 

I started thinking about Lizz and wondering how she was. I thought about calling the hospitals in Oklahoma City to see if she was there, but I knew that they wouldn't give me any patient information. It was my fault and I wouldn't rest until I found out how she was.

 

A knock on the hotel door took my thoughts about Lizz away for the moment. When I went to stand up, a pain in my back took my breath away and caused me to sit back down quickly onto the bed. I took a deep breath in and stood up to go to the door. I knew I was staggering towards the door, but I blamed it on the headache.

 

“Took you long enough,” Brian mumbled as he carried his bag, my bag and a laptop computer into the room.

 

“Yes it did,” I replied slowly, gathering the words like it was a major speech. I must have been doing something I shouldn’t have because Brian was staring at me like I had green skin or something. The last thing I heard was Brian yelling my name and then it went dark.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Kyung paced the hall furiously. Almost as soon as Lizz had gone unconscious, the tiny room became packed with people. She was ushered out of the room, much to her protesting. She was too emotional, they said. Kyung knew they were right, but that didn’t make her feel any better. She wanted to help her best friend. She had stood outside the room and watched helplessly as they worked on her best friend. The next thing she knew Lizz was being wheeled to the OR. No one would tell her anything.

 

So, now she was in the OR waiting room cursing herself. She wasn’t sure why, but she continued anyway. Her shift was supposed to last until 7pm. Lizz was brought into the emergency room just before 6pm and Kyung’s supervisor had let her off early to go be with Lizz. It was now after 8pm and Lizz had been in surgery for about 20 minutes.

 

Everything seemed to be happening too fast. Yet, now that Lizz was in surgery, everything was moving too slow. Kyung thought about Lizz’s request for her to try to find out if Nick was okay. She didn’t want to leave the OR, but she knew that it would be awhile before Lizz would be out. She walked down the hall to one of the tech stations and asked to borrow a computer with internet access. She was directed into a corner with a laptop on the desk.

 

The computer didn’t have aol instant messenger so she had to use the Quick Buddy. She signed on her name and entered Tidal Wave in the information box. A message blinked to tell her that the user was not signed on. A flash of anger rippled through her.

 

“You’d think he’d be on here to try to see if she is okay. What an...” She stopped herself. That wasn’t fair. If something had happened to him, of course he wouldn’t be on. She still couldn’t squash the feelings of blame towards him even though Lizz insisted it was her own fault. More than anything Kyung was just being a protective friend and the thought of losing Lizz was too much to consider. She sighed and shut down the screen. She thanked the tech that let her use the computer and headed back towards the waiting room. She waited for another hour before someone came out to address her.

 

“Elizabeth Hulford?”

 

Kyung rushed over to the man in green scrubs that had just emerged through the double doors. “How is she?!”

 

The man frowned. “Her kidneys shut down due to the overdose. We tried to repair them, but there was already some scar tissue.”

 

Kyung’s eyes widened. “I remember her telling me that when she was younger she got a little bit of damage from one of the medications she was on.”

 

The doctor nodded. “Whenever there is a trauma to the body like with what happened with Elizabeth, it is common for a major organ to shut down. Since her kidneys were weaker than normal, those would be the most likely to shut down.” He explained.

 

“That makes sense. Were you able to repair them?” Kyung asked anxiously.

 

“No. Between the scar tissue and what her body just went through, it was impossible. She is going to need dialysis until she can receive a transplant.” He frowned again. “Of course, she may not want a transplant. If she had no desire to live...”

 

Kyung bristled. “She didn’t want to die. She...” She stopped, not knowing how to finish what she was wanting to say. Of course she couldn’t tell this man what had happened. Then the realization of Lizz needing a transplant sank in. Her eyes filled with tears. “When can I see her?” She whispered.

 

“Someone will come get you when she is out of recovery.” He told her. With that he turned around and went through the double doors.

 

“Obviously he didn’t learn the importance of having a good bedside manor.”

 

Kyung muttered under her breath. She sank back onto the hard couch and let the tears flow. A few minutes later her pager beeped at her.

 

She went back to the tech station and called the number. It was Laura. She worked with Kyung and was also an intern.

 

“Kyung! You’ll never believe what I found out!” Her voice sounded excited.

 

Kyung groaned. What could there possibly be to get excited about? “What?”

 

“I just talked to one of the paramedics that went to pick up your friend! You won’t believe this!”

 

A little warning light went off in Kyung’s head. “Go on.” She said uneasily.

 

“Okay, well he said that they found her on the floor next to a computer and the screen was flashing messages. He hit print thinking it would give a clue to what had happened. He didn’t type anything back, but took the papers with him. He told me that she was having a conversation with someone named Nick and then someone named Brian got on. He said that the Nick person said he was on a bus and was passing through the city! You know who I think it is?!” Laura could barely contain her excitement.

 

Kyung groaned inwardly. “Who?”

 

“I think it is the Backstreet Boys. I know they are on tour right now and it was Nick and Brian! Kyung, the paramedic said the Nick guy was going to kill himself!”

 

She sounded upset when she said the last part.

 

Shit. “Laura, come on. Why would Lizz be talking to the Backstreet Boys? Isn’t that a little farfetched?” Kyung hoped she sounded convincing.

 

“I bet it’s them.” Laura insisted stubbornly.

 

“Um, Laura, have you said this to anyone else?” Kyung asked carefully.

 

“No, you’re the first person I have told.” She replied.

 

“Good. Don’t say anything to anyone else about this okay? Promise me.” Kyung said urgently.

 

“Okay. Why not?” Laura sounded skeptical.

 

“Please just trust me. Oh, and do you remember the paramedic’s name?” Kyung asked. She had to talk to him as soon as she could. If this got out it could be bad.

 

“I don’t know, but I can find out.” Laura offered.

 

“Thanks. I’m going to let you go, I have to make some calls.” Kyung was getting anxious.

 

“Okay, but wait! I almost forgot to tell you. Guess what else?! About Nick...he’s...”

 

*~*~*~*~*

 

"Nick?!" Brian yelled out as soon as he saw Nick's eyes roll back into his head and him fall to the floor, striking his head on the dresser.

 

Brian rolled his friend over and immediately felt faint when he saw the blood running down the side of Nick's face from where he hit the dresser. He noticed that Nick's lips were turning blue. Brian pressed his ear to Nick's nose and mouth and discovered he had stopped breathing.

 

"Shit," Brian shouted as he jumped up and grabbed the phone and dialed zero for the hotel operator. It seemed to take forever to Brian for the operator to answer the phone. When she finally did, Brian skipped the pleasantries and fired into his request.

 

"Brian Littrell...room number...shit, I don't know...we need an ambulance, he's not breathing!"

 

There must have been panic in Brian's voice because he could detect the panic relfected in the operator's. All she said was okay and cut him off.

 

Brian threw the receiver down and went back to Nick. He once again pressed his ear to Nick's mouth and was frustrated to discover that he was still not breathing. Desperately trying to remember what he had learned when he was a cub scout, Brian tilted Nick's head back and started mouth to mouth.

 

In what seemed like hours but was actually only six minutes, there was a knock on the door with a voice announcing that they were EMT's. Brian jumped up and flung the door open. He stood off to the side and watched the paramedics quickly work on Nick.

 

Brian watched in shock when he heard a paramedic shout out, "He's coding!" He knew that meant that Nick's heart wasn't beating.

 

One paramedic quickly straddled Nick's body and initiated CPR. The other paramedic was getting the shock paddles ready and was also on the phone with the emergency room. When the word was given, the paramedic doing the CPR got off Nick and squatted back as the paddles were applied to Nick's bare chest and the shock was activated.

 

Brian watched and waited, as did the paramedics to see if Nick's heart responded. The green line finally sprung to life and Nick's heart started back up again.

 

"Okay, what exactly happened?" the dark haired paramedic asked Brian.

 

"He was standing here talking to me and then his voice got funny sounding and then his eyes rolled back and he fell and hit his head on the dresser," Brian recounted the events for the paramedic.

 

The paramedic wrote what Brian was relating quickly on a pad of paper.

 

"Is he on any meds or does he take anything on a regular basis?"

 

Brian hated to relay any personal information about Nick to the EMT's, but he knew that it was vital information.

 

"Yes, um, well he takes Seldane for allergies and Ativan for some occasional anxiety problems," Brian replied. He noticed that when he said the words occasional anxiety problems that the EMT paused with his writing.

 

"Anything else?" the paramedic asked.

 

Now Brian realized that he had to say something to them. Nick's heart stopped and he quit breathing, it had to be from the meds he took earlier.

 

"Yeah, he took an accidental overdose a few hours ago," Brian lied. It wasn't accidental, but they didn't need to know that, he reasoned.

 

Both paramedics looked at Brian. "What did he take and do you remember what time he did this at?"

 

"I think it was around 3 this afternoon, but I'm not really sure what he took," Brian replied.

 

"Well, we'll have to have him give us that info through labs then," a paramedic replied.

 

The paramedics worked together on placing Nick on the cot and then covering his body up with a white blanket and strapping him down.

 

"Is it okay if I go with you guys, I could probably fill the doctor in on Nick and stuff," Brian asked quietly.

 

The paramedics acknowledged Brian's request and Brian followed them out the door and down the hall, passing Howie and AJ on the way by.

 

"No time to explain, I'll call you when I can," Brian remarked as he walked past Howie and AJ.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Once again Kyung sat in the Intensive Care room waiting for her best friend to wake up. Lizz had gotten out of surgery nearly a half an hour ago. Now she was on a respirator. The doctor had told Kyung that it was common after a major surgery like that for the patient to be on one. As soon as Lizz woke up and felt a little stronger, they could take it out. It still upset Kyung to see Lizz that way.

 

She knew that as soon as Lizz would wake up and be coherent, she would try to ask Kyung what she found out about Nick. Kyung wasn’t sure how to handle that one without upsetting her. Laura’s words rang in her ears. “About Nick...he’s being brought to a hospital! It just got called in.

 

“Here?! How do you know it was Nick?”

 

“The description they said matched his and they said it was high profile. And I don’t know what ER ended up taking the call. It’s a pretty far range so who knows. I didn’t hear.”

 

Kyung still hadn’t found out what hospital Nick was taken too. She didn’t want to leave Lizz’s side in case she woke up. Instead, Kyung kept a silent vigil by Lizz’s bed.

 

Another half hour went by before she began to stir. Kyung stood up and hovered over her. A moment later Lizz’s eyes fluttered.

 

“Lizzie? Hey, are you finally going to wake up now?” Kyung said in a soft voice.

 

Her eyes shifted around the room and a flicker of fear passed through them.

 

Kyung saw it. “You have a tube down your throat so you can breathe. When you get a little stronger, they will let you have it out. Maybe tomorrow morning.”

Lizz’s eyes shifted again and she looked back at Kyung questioningly. They had always been able to finish each other’s sentences and know what the other was thinking and now that came in quite handy.

 

“It’s a quarter to 10.” Kyung answered.

 

Lizz looked agitated like she wanted to say something. Kyung was hoping she wasn’t going to ask about Nick and thought that maybe since she had just woken up and seemed a little out of it, that maybe the thought wouldn’t cross her mind.

 

“Hold on, let me get you a pad of paper and you can try to write what you want to say okay?” Kyung offered.

 

Lizz nodded ever so slightly.

 

Kyung left and returned a moment later with a large notebook and a fat marker. It would be easier to write that way. She positioned it so Lizz could write on it easily. Then she put the marker in her hand.

 

Very slowly, Lizz scribbled “r u ok?”

 

It looked like a child’s handwriting, but Kyung was still able to read it. A knot formed itself in her throat. She shouldn’t be worried about anyone else, but herself at the moment.

 

“I’m fine. Don’t you be worrying about me, you punk. You need to worry about getting yourself better!” Kyung chastised. She smiled when she said it though.

 

Lizz attempted a small smile.

 

Kyung was relieved that that was her question, but then Lizz gestured for the notebook again. Kyung put it in front of her and Lizz began to write again.

This time it merely read “Nick?” in that same childish handwriting. Lizz’s eyes searched Kyung for the answer that Kyung didn’t know how to give.

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

Brian stared at Nick’s face as he laid on the cot in the emergency room. He was hooked up to all sorts of monitors and had different IV bags hanging from the pole. They told Brian they still weren’t sure what caused Nick to pass out like he did at the hotel. The only thing they were certain of was that he had a concussion from the fall when Nick hit his head. The labs from Nick’s blood would hopefully tell them at least what he took, the levels could tell them a little about how much he took.

 

The smell first clued me in to where I was at. It was that sickly antiseptic smell that only a hospital would have. God, how I hated that smell. It made me sick and I’ve been in the ER’s often enough with migraines to know the smell.

 

Slowly, I opened my eyes to see where exactly I was at. The white tiled walls immediately told me I was stuck in some god forsaken emergency room.

 

“Nick! Thank god you’re awake!” Brian said with a big grin on his face.

 

I managed to smile at him. I wanted to ask him how come I landed here when he promised me that we would never go to an emergency room because of the publicity it could generate. The headache I had stopped me from speaking.

 

Brian’s grin was immediately replaced with a look of concern. “Nick, you passed out at the hotel. What exactly did you take?”

 

I tried to think back to what I had done earlier. I remember grabbing some brown bottles and dumping the contents on the counter. It was a mixture of my meds and Brian’s meds. Pain killers.... heart meds....asprin, basically everything but the kitchen sink.

 

“I’m not sure.” My voice was so quiet, I had a hard time hearing myself.

 

Brian was still looking at me with that concerned face. When he took his hand to pinch off the tears that were in his eyes, I felt awful. As I was starting to get oriented I remembered I was online when I took the meds. Suddenly it hit me like a slap in the face.

 

“Lizz!” I managed to shout.

 

“I haven’t heard,” Brian mumbled, his head was still down.

 

“Where are we?” I squeaked.

 

“Oklahoma,” Brian replied, sighing.

 

“City?”

 

Brian nodded. He pulled the covers up across my chest. “Nick, you need to quiet down and rest.”

 

“I need to know,” I protested. I didn’t finish the sentance. If something happened to Lizz I would just will myself to die, there was no point living with her death on my shoulders.

 

“I’ll find out later,” Brian replied.

 

I reached out from under the covers and grabbed Brian’s arm and squeezed it as tightly as I could. His eyes locked on mine. “Please!”

 

“I’ll try Nick,” Brian said quietly.

 

I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I grabbed at the tube they had put in my nose and tried to pull it out. Brian grabbed my hands and held them down.

 

“Nick, leave it in, it’s draining your stomach, you evidentally didn’t throw up all those meds you took,” Brian reprimanded.

 

I must have started to look weird to Brian because his face got this funny look on it.

 

“Nick? Hang in there, what’s wrong? NICK!”

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

I searched Kyung’s face for answers. She looked very uncomfortable when I managed to scrawl “Nick” on the piece of paper. Something was wrong. I could tell. She averted her eyes from mine.

 

I want to talk so bad, but the blasted tube down my throat prevented me. I wanted to rip it out, but the mere thought of that made me cringe. I knew I didn’t have the strength at the present moment, not to mention it would probably kill me. Although, I wasn’t sure I cared at the moment.

 

“Lizz, I’m...uh...” Kyung started.

 

I still held the marker so I struggled to write, “TELL ME.” She looked at the paper, then at me. It looked like she was trying to figure out what to say.

 

“I don’t really know. Something happened, but I don’t know what.” She finally said. She let out a long sigh. “You remember Laura? One of the other interns? She said that a guy that matched Nick’s description was radioed in. EMSA said the patient was high profile. Laura didn’t find out which hospital and she wasn’t sure where they were calling from.”

 

My eyes grew wide and filled with tears. My frustration grew because I couldn’t do anything, but lie in this damn bed. I struggled to write more. “Find out where.”

 

Kyung sighed again. “Don't get yourself all worked up! That isn’t going to help anything. You are going to make yourself worse.”

 

Tears slipped down my cheeks. I wrote some more. “Dont care. My fault.”

 

Kyung glared at me now. “What is your fault?!” She demanded. I think she felt as frustrated as I did, but for different reasons. She was watching her best friend lie in a hospital bed, attached to several machines including a respirator, and I was not helping the situation by getting all upset. I couldn’t help myself though.

 

I wrote some more. “Suppose to help. He dies, my fault. Didnt do my job.”

 

Kyung shook her head. “Lizz! No! You can’t control what people do. You can’t stop someone from doing something if that is what they want to do. You tried to help. You did the best you could. You can’t blame yourself! That is ridiculous!”

 

Her words might have made sense. I would never believe them though. In my heart, if he died, I would blame myself for not being able to help him.

 

At that moment Kyung’s pager went off. She glanced at me and then at her page. “It’s Laura.” She said quietly. “I’m going to go call her and I will be right back okay?”

 

I nodded, cursing the fact that they didn’t put phones in ICU rooms. She came back a few moments later, her face a few shades paler.

 

“He’s here. They just brought him in. I don’t know how Laura found out because I bet they are keeping this as tightly sealed as possible.” She told me in a hushed voice.

 

I gestured for her to let me write again. She held it up and I scribbled “is he ok?”

 

“I don’t know. She didn’t know anything else.” Kyung replied. She frowned. This was not a good thing. One paramedic knew about what had really happened and she guessed the whoever else was there did too. Somehow Laura had found out and who knew who else. Somewhere floating around was the conversation printed out. If that got out it could be really bad. “Lizz, there is something else.” Kyung started. She hated saying anything that might upset Lizz further, but Lizz had to know.

 

“One of the paramedics printed out the conversation you had with Nick. Somehow Laura knows about it.”

 

I felt the color drain from my face. I started to scribble again. “Find him please.”

 

Kyung nodded.

 

Just then the overhead system came to life. “Code Blue! Dr. Phelps to the ER STAT. Dr. Phelps to the ER.”

 

Oh god. Oh god.

 

Kyung looked at me quickly. “Lizz, you don’t know...” But she stopped, the fear in her face betraying her words.

 

I started to shake. I tried to fight the respirator. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.

 

“Lizz. Lizz, relax! Let the machine breathe for you. Lizz, calm down. Shit!” Kyung’s face was over mine and I could see her trying to stay calm. She reached for the call button and pushed it. “Come on Lizz. You need to relax. You are going to hyperventilate!”

 

I didn’t even here what she was saying. I didn’t notice the people that had just flooded my room. I didn’t even notice my own pain. All I really could tell was that I couldn’t breathe. It was my fault. My fault. And then once again the merciful darkness took me away again.

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

Brian stood off to the corner of the ER, watching people wearing hospital scrubs move about the room quickly. Each had their own jobs to do, places they were assigned when a code was called.

 

A nurse gently touched Brian’s shoulder. “I think it would be best if you come with me.”

 

Brian reluctantly walked where the nurse led him, his eyes looking back towards Nick’s room until he could no longer see it. The nurse led him down a hallway to a small room that had a few chairs, a dark coffee table and boxes of tissues on each end table.

 

“This is a private waiting room. I will come back once they have him stabilized. If you need anything, my name is Patty, just ask for me at the front desk.”

 

With that, she softly closed the door to the small room. Brian, feeling clausterphobic, got up and opened the door and then took a seat, leaning forward and cradling his head in his hands thinking and praying.

 

The minutes dragged as Brian waited for the nurse to return with some news about Nick. Seeing the telephone sitting on the table, Brian debated on whether or not to call Kevin and decided that they were probably just as anxious and as worried as he was.

 

Brian sighed as he fished out his hotel room card. Luckily, the number was printed on the back of the card so he could. When the hotel operator answered, Brian quickly asked for “Kevin Reynold’s room.”

 

“Yeah?” Kevin answered abruptly.

 

“Kev, it’s me, Brian.”

 

Kevin immediately pounded Brian with questions. “What the hell happened? How is he? What did he do? Where the hell are you?”

 

“Kevin, slow it down, calm down,” Brian tried to quiet Kevin. “Some hospital in Okalahoma City. Nick took some pills on the bus, a mixture of them, we don’t know what for sure he took or how much.”

 

“He tried to kill himself?” Kevin asked, his voice rising.

 

“Calm down, Kev.”

 

Brian listened and waited for Kevin to settle down before he began again. “At this point I’m not sure what’s going on yet. Nick was upset over something that happened this afternoon when he was online and with that, plus his breakup, he just couldn’t handle it anymore.”

 

“He’s gonna be alright though, right? I mean, Nick will pull through,” Kevin asked with a hopeful voice.

 

Sighing, Brian raked a hand through his hair. “I dunno, Kev, at this point I dunno.” Brian could feel his emotions coming out of check. “ I will call you when I know something definate,” Brian added quickly.

 

Hanging up the phone, Brian sank back into his seat. When he heard the destinctive sound of rubber on the lineoleum floors he looked up, expecting to see Patty in the doorway. The girl in the hospital scrubs wasn’t her.

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

Kyung stood nervously in the narrow doorway. Suddenly she wasn’t sure what to say. Brian stared at her expectantly. For a moment she was at a loss for words. She had never seen him in person and she never had expected to either. Especially in this state. He looked awful. Much like she did, she supposed. That big grin that she had always seen in pictures was nowhere to be found. His eyes were red from crying and he hair was all disheveled.

 

“Um, I’m Kyung. Lizz’s friend.” She said hesitantly.

 

He raised his eyebrows. “Oh wow. She’s here?” He said softly. He stood and shook her hand. Then he gestured to one of the other chairs in the room and she sat down. Kyung smiled tightly at the shocked look on his face. She was probably the last person he expected to see. “How is he?” She asked.

 

“They are getting him stabilized. How’s Lizz?” Brian countered.

 

“Scared the crap outta me again. She had just woken up when they called the code. She sort of freaked and ended up passing out. They got her stabilized, but she isn’t awake either.” Kyung replied.

 

Brian raked his hand through his hair again, making it even more messed up. “Is she going to be okay?”

 

Kyung looked at the floor and tried to will the tears away. “I don’t know.” She whispered. “Her kidneys shut down. They can’t fix them.”

 

“Oh god...” Brian put his hand on Kyung’s shoulder. He didn’t know what to say.

 

“What about Nick? Did they get everything out of his system?” Kyung looked up at Brian.

 

“I don’t know. He woke up for a while. He got really upset when he remembered what had happened. He kept asking about Lizz and he tried to rip the tube in his throat out. Then his eyes sort of rolled back and the machines started beeping. I don’t know what caused it.” Brian shook his head.

 

“That’s what Lizz did too. She kept getting all worked up. Saying if anything happened then it would be her fault. Then we heard the code blue and she freaked out.” Kyung was trying not to cry.

 

“Her fault?! Why on earth would she blame herself?!” Brian demanded.

 

“I don’t know.” Kyung said miserably. “I am scared to death.” The tears started to fall.

 

Brian leaned over and put his arms around her. He couldn’t stop his own tears from falling.

 

“Why did this happen? Why did they do this?” Kyung moaned.

 

Brian didn’t reply. He didn’t know what to say. This was killing him. Not only was Nick unconscious and who knew what complications he suffered from, but also Lizz had done something equally as stupid. He knew that this was the last thing that Nick needed to go through. He also knew that Lizz had some other health issues and now had failed kidneys to deal with on top of it.

 

Kyung straightened herself up. She was frustrated that she let her emotions get the better of her. She had been trying to be strong for Lizz, but it was all getting to overwhelming. “Brian there is another potential problem.”

 

“What?” He asked warily. He didn’t need anything else to go wrong.

 

“What did you tell the paramedics about what happened?” Kyung asked.

 

“Um, that he accidentally overdosed on one of his medications.” Brian frowned, wondering where she was going with this.

 

“One of the paramedics saw Lizz’s computer on and messages flashing. He printed it out and brought it with. People have seen the conversation.”

 

“Oh god...” He breathed. “How many people?”

 

“I have no idea. One of the interns I work with told me she knew about it, but hadn’t read it.” Kyung told him.

 

Brian sighed heavily. “Do you know how bad this could be if it gets out?”

 

“I know! They are going to connect it all together! Two people brought in to the ER very close to the same time, both from an overdose. Anyone who reads that conversation is going to connect Lizz and Nick.” Kyung said in frustration.

 

“So, what do we do?” Brian rubbed his eyes.

 

“I am doing what I can to get ahold of it and find out who knows what.” Kyung replied.

 

“I can’t believe this is happening.” Brian muttered.

 

“Me neither.” Kyung agreed. Her pager went off. She read the message and her face lit up at what she saw. “She’s awake!”

 

Brian smiled. “Are you going back?”

 

“Yeah, want to come?”

 

Brian nodded. “Think she’d mind?”

 

“Of course not. I bet she will be very happy to see you.”

 

“I hate to go anywhere without knowing what is happening, but if I don’t can’t tell him how Lizz is, he will just get all upest again.” Brain said.

 

“We’ll make sure you find out right away when he wakes up.” Kyung promised.

 

They walked down the hall and stopped at the main desk. Kyung left her pager number with instructions to be paged immediately when Nick was stabilized. They took the elevator to the intensive care unit. Kyung’s heart was flip-flopping, anxious to see if Lizz was okay. Kyung didn’t know how much more she could take. They stopped at the desk before going to her room. Della was sitting at the desk and smiled at Kyung.

 

“She woke up about ten minutes ago. We took the tube out because she tried to fight it again when she woke up. She’s on oxygen, but other than that she is breathing okay. She is a stubborn thing, isn’t she? Determined to be off the respirator.” Della grinned.

 

“You have no idea.” Kyung muttered. “Thank you Del.” She called over her shoulder as she and Brian walked to Lizz’s room. She knocked softly and opened the door.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Monica changed her surgical gloves as she prepared to recheck her patient’s set up. Nick Carter and the Backstreet Boys was something Monica was very familiar with. As she set about washing Nick’s face, images of the videos she had seen on Mtv ran through her mind. It was weird to think that she would be caring for him.

 

“Monica! You’d never guess what I have!”

 

Monica glanced up to see her friend Terri waving a piece of white paper back and forth.

 

“What is it?”

 

“It’s the copy of Nick Carter’s chat from early today,” Terri gushed, evidentially proud of her accomplishment.

 

Monica was adjusting the breathing tube in Nick’s mouth. “Where did you get that at?”

 

“I got it from Jen, she was the EMT that was dispatched to his case,” Terri explained. “Oh, and you’ll never guess this in a million years, Nick Carter was trying to kill himself!”

 

Monica stopped what she was doing and stared at Nick’s face. “No way!”

 

“It’s true. It says right here, Tidal Wave: I’m tired of living. I took a handful of pills,” Terri slowly read the statement.

 

“Why on earth would he be tired of living? He of all people that has anything and everything to live for?”

 

“That’s the weird part. And then there’s this girl, Lizz, she threatened to drink a bottle of albuterol if Nick took the pills. From what I heard she isn’t in very good shape, they are not really sure if she’s going to pull through this yet.” Terri walked up to the bed and stared at Nick laying there. “What about him? Is he going to pull through this?”

 

“I’m not supposed to discuss this at all Terri, I’m sorry,” Monica apologized.

 

“Oh come on, we’re best friends, you can tell me,” Terri begged.

 

“His doctors said that he will make it, but his system was compromised with the meds he took and they are still uncertain if there is permanent damage,” Monica explained.

 

“What kind of damage?” Terri asked.

 

“He wasn’t breathing when the EMT’s got to him, oh shit, I’ve already said too much Terri,” Monica started to busy herself with the equipment.

 

Terri’s mouth dropped open. “Holy shit, you mean he’s got brain damage?”

 

“I never said that!” Monica defened.

 

“But you don’t disagree that there’s that possibilty?” Terri prodded.

 

Monica let out a deep sigh. “Terri, at this point anything is possible, okay? Please, just drop it. Anything you and I just said stays in this room, agreed?”

 

“Sure thing Monica,” Terri smiled. She turned and walked out into the hallway. The only thing Terri could think about was contacting the National Enquirer with this story and giving them the chat conversation. She could use a good chunk of money and never have to worry about her finances ever again.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

 

I was hurting all over. I couldn’t really move so the pain seemed to stand out more. My whole body hurt worse than it did the first time I woke up. Not to mention, I now had a sore throat from the tube that was down my throat. The last thing I remembered was hearing the code being called. I tried to hyperventilate and that is kind of impossible to do while attached to a machine that is breathing for me. At least that is what my nurse, Della, told me. I woke up shortly after I passed out. At first I was a little upset that Kyung wasn’t in here when I woke up, but then Della told me that she had to go look for someone. That made me feel better so I tried to wait patiently for her to come back. Della said she paged her to let her know that I had woken up. So I just laid here and worried about Nick. I hadn’t even thought about myself yet. I’ve spent considerable amounts of time in hospitals, but this was different. I wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but I was scared. Really scared.

There was a knock on my door and I carefully turned my head towards the sound. Even that was an effort. Kyung poked her head around the curtain. She smiled at me.

 

“I brought someone to see you.” She told me.

 

Then, to my great surprise, Brian Littrell stepped around to the other side of her. He gave me a small smile. My jaw dropped.

 

“Wh- what are you doing here?!” I stuttered. Was I dreaming?

 

“Your friend found me in a waiting room. When they paged her to tell her that you had woken up, I asked if I could come with.” He pulled up a chair and down next to the side of my bed. Kyung started to go to the one on the other side that she had been sitting in earlier, but changed her mind.

 

“Lizz, I’ll be back in a few okay?” She nodded at me as she went around the curtain again.

 

“‘kay.” I was still surprised that Brian was sitting in the chair next to me. We had talked quite a few times, but still...

 

“How is he?” I whispered. It seemed to hurt less when I whispered.

 

“Not too sure. I really hope he is going to be okay, but I don’t know this time.” He sighed and I studied him carefully. His eyes seemed to be a window into his soul and I could see what this was doing to him. It broke my heart.

 

“Brian, are you doing okay?” I asked quietly.

 

He gazed at me for a moment before replying. “I don’t know that either. Lizz, why did you do that? Why did you swallow that bottle? You are so luck to be alive right now.” His voice was weary.

 

“I was desperate. I had to do something to stop him. Please don’t be mad at me. I just wanted to get through to him. I didn’t even care what happened to me right then. I just wanted him to be okay. I thought that would stop him. I’m sorry.” Tears filled my eyes and I struggled to keep them from falling.

 

“I’m not mad at you, Lizz. I just hate that you are going through all this. This shouldn’t have happened. He shouldn’t have been on-line in the first place. I say that all the time, but it never does any good. Now look what happened.” He shook his head.

 

“But he is going to be okay right?” I pressed.

 

“But what about you?! You should be worrying...” He was cut off by Kyung bursting through the door.

 

“Brian, Nick is coming around.” She relayed to him.

 

“Lizz, I am going to go check on him. I’ll come back though as soon as I can, okay?” Brian stood up.

 

I nodded. He squeezed my shoulder gently and left. Kyung came in and took his spot next to me.

 

“I think he was mad at me, K.” I whispered.

 

“No, I don’t think so. He is just upset about all of this. He is having a hard time seeing this happen to his best friend. I think I know how he feels.” She added softly.

I didn’t know what to say to that. My whole stomach area was throbbing now because of the surgery. I must have gotten a little pale because Kyung went to get my nurse. Della gave me some more pain medication and it made me really drowsy.

 

“I’m going to go try to find out about Nick okay?” Kyung asked.

 

“Okay.” I whispered. My eyelids were closing on me, but it was okay because maybe when I woke up, Nick would be okay.

 

Brian walked down the hall towards the ER. He was anxious to get back to Nick since he had no idea why he passed out again or what was going on now. He stopped in front of the elevators and hit the down button. Just a few feet away a girl in scrubs stood on a pay phone. She caught Brian’s attention.

 

He didn’t know why, but something didn’t seem right. He watched her a moment. She was holding a piece of paper and seemed to be talking eagerly to whoever was on the other end. Then it clicked why something looked out of place. Why would someone that worked here be on pay phone? Why wouldn’t she use a desk phone or something. Her back was partially turned to him so he walked a little closer to her.

 

“That’s right! Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys...Yes, I have the whole thing...How much would you pay for it?...I can find out...It was definitely suicide...It says right here “I am holding a handful of pills” and it says “I don’t want to live anymore.”...Yes, and the other girl, Lizz, is here too...I don’t know, critical?...”

Brian wasn’t sure if he was hearing her right at first. She was talking a mile a minute. When it sunk in, Brian was horrified. Then angry. Blind rage filled him.

 

“What the hell do you think you are doing?!” He shouted at her.

 

She froze and whirled around. Her mouth dropped open when she saw who had just yelled at her. “Oh my god...” She muttered, in shock.

 

“Who were you talking to?” Brian demanded, his voice taking a new tone. A much lower tone.

 

“Um, uh...” The girl could only stare at him.

 

Without warning his hand snapped in front of her, ripped the phone from her grasp and slammed it back onto the hook. “Who was it?” He asked again, his voice dangerously low.

 

“No one.” Came the quick answer.

 

Brian looked at her name tag. “Terri, tell me who you were talking to right now.” His voice was strangely calm. That is what scared Terri. His eyes were flashing and the look on his face was of sheer anger.

 

“It’s too late now. They already know. I told them everything.” Terri told him. Her voice was shaking slightly, but she tried to hide it. She couldn’t believe Brian Littrell was standing in front her looking like he was going to tear her limb from limb. She thought he was the nice one. The polite, mild-mannered one. The man now standing before her scared her.

 

“Who knows everything?” That same dead calm voice.

 

“The National Enquirer.” She whispered.

 

“What?! Why the fuck would you do something like that?!” He threw his hands up and Terri jumped.

 

“I needed the money.” She tried to defend herself.

 

“You ruin Nick’s name for money. You break the confidentiality law for money? You fucking destroy his life for money?! What kind of heartless bitch are you?!” Brian’s voice got louder with everything he said.

 

Terri shrank away from him, pale as a ghost. She had never seen someone so mad in her entire life. She wanted to yell back that Nick had destroyed his own life, but she didn’t dare. She wasn’t sorry about what she did. All that mattered was that she got her money.

 

Brian seemed to remember where he was and immediately tried to calm himself down. He knew that he shouldn’t have let himself get so worked up anyway. That wasn’t good for anyone.

 

“You will hear from my lawyers.” He informed her before turning around and slamming open the door to the steps. Once the door shut he leaned his head against the concrete wall of the stairwell and shut his eyes. His head was pounding now and he sank onto one of the steps. Things were going from bad to worse.

 

For a few brief moment while he sat in the stairwell, Brian allowed the anguished tears to fall. He was sickened and upset about what this girl had done to Nick. She had betrayed patient confidentiality.

 

~*~*~*~

 

When I saw Brian’s face, I immediately knew that I was in deep trouble. His face was pale and his eyes were red-rimmed from crying.

 

“Hey Nick, I’m glad to see you’re awake now,” Brian commented, his voice quiet and lacked emotion. The smile Brian had put on his face was definately fake.

 

I slowly closed my eyes, thinking of what to say to Brian. I had messed up yet again and I was hurting my best friend.

 

“Where am I?” I was suprised at how hoarse my voice sounded.

 

Brian sighed. “In the hospital emergency room.”

 

I slowly shook my head, god it hurt to do that. I knew I was in a hospital, I just wanted to know where.

 

“Tampa?” I was hoping I was close to home.

 

“No Nick, Oklahoma City, I think.” When he answered me, he had his face down so it looked like he was talking to the floor instead of me.

 

I searched my mind trying to remember why I was in Oklahoma City, more importantly, why I was in an emergency room.

 

“Why?”

 

Brian was shaking his head. “Don’t you remember anything at all?”

 

I just looked at Brian with anticipation hoping he would clue me in on what had happened. Tons of scenarios filled my mind.

 

“Nick, you OD’d again, or I should say you were thinking about it and you backed out but it was too late. You evidently had some meds in still in your system and it really has been messing you up.

 

I knew I had hurt Brian deeply, he couldn’t look me in the eyes when he explained to me what was going on. Still, I had no idea what had happened that made me upset enough to try and take my life.

 

Brian stood up and walked over towards the opposite side of the room. “You got upset over something that was going on while you were online again. The dumb part of it this time Nick, is that someone followed you in your actions.”

 

Names popped into my head. Who was I online with?

 

Brian turned away from the picture he was looking at and stared at me, making me feel uncomfortable.

 

“Lizz is in critical condition because of you,” Brian stated quietly and evenly.

 

“Shit.”

 

It came back to me. She threatened to drink that bottle of albuterol and she did it. She never came back online to tell me she was okay. But I remember throwing up those pills. How could I have wound up in the ER?

 

“But I threw them up.”

 

I was trying to convince Brian that I was okay and that I never intended on carrying this through.

 

Brian shook his head no again. “Not all of them Nick. Whatever you took did some damage to you this time. You’ve already had one seizure since you’ve been here, God only knows if this is something that will happen again or not or if this is a permanent condition.”

 

Brian had an angry tone in his voice. I immediately became scared. I had overdosed before and Brian was always there for me, catching me before it was too late. This time couldn’t be any different. I was awake and breathing. Things were going to be fine.

 

“I’m sorry Brian,” I quickly appologised, trying to make all that was wrong, right. “Lizz is going to be okay, right?”

 

“Nick, her kidneys shut down, they can’t repair the damage to them. She is going to need a transplant,” Brian stared at me and then walked off towards the doorway to the room I was in.

 

I started feeling sick to my stomach. I caused this and now her life would be forever changed. There had to be a way that I could fix this. Suddenly, my hands started shaking. I couldn’t stop the movements, it was like they were detached from my body.

 

“Now because of the stunt you pulled,” Brian gestured with his hands, “it’s out in the open, it’s in the press, everyone will know about this!”

 

Brian turned around to face Nick in time to see that his body had become rigid and his arms and legs were shaking. He slapped the nurse button on the wall.

 

“Shit.....Nick!”

 

~*~*~*~

 

This sucked. I had always been an active person. I loved being around people, being social and keeping busy. Never a dull moment. Well, let me rephrase that because all of this was certainly not dull. I should say I prefer other means of keeping life interesting. Lying in a bed, hooked up to a bunch of machines, and being in a considerable amount of pain was not my idea of fun.

 

Kyung had left only about fifteen minutes ago, but I was already bored. I had to be thankful for the small things. At least I was off that damn respirator. Right now more than anything I wanted to know if Nick was okay. Kyung promised to come tell me as soon as she knew something, but I was a very impatient person.

 

The first thought that came to mind was a bad one. I didn’t know if I would get away with it, but I decided I would find out for myself how he was doing. I wasn’t sure how since I didn’t feel like I could move, but I was determined. Kyung left the door open so I could see into the hallway. There was a wheelchair just outside my door. If I could get to that, then I would wheel myself to the ER. I wasn’t even sure if he was in the ER still or not.

 

I tried to sit up, but my body didn’t seem to want to work. I groaned in frustration and grabbed the siderail to try to hoist myself up. That made me gasp and I bit down on my lip to keep from crying out. I had almost forgotten about the sutures in my sides from the surgery. That was the source of a lot of my pain.

 

This time I used the button to raise the head of my bed. Almost immediately I was overwhelmed with dizziness. The pain got steadily worse, but I tried to put it aside. I was on a mission. Very carefully I moved my legs so they were dangling off the side of the bed. Nausea was starting to hit me now so I took a few deep breaths. Being on oxygen helped, but that was going to have to come off since it was attached to the wall. I sat there a moment clinging to the siderail. It was taking every ounce of my strength to keep myself upright. I was feeling worse by the second, but I had gotten this far. I wasn’t going to give up.

 

Another problem occurred to me. I was attached to a bunch of machines that would beep at me if I tried to take the patches off. I decided that when I got up I would go hit the silent alarm button so I wouldn’t get caught. That would take care of that.

 

The pain in my sides was becoming fiery and I had to stop and take a few more deep breaths. It was getting more difficult to breathe, but I passed that off as just being worn out from the exertion.

 

Just find Nick. Just make sure he is okay. Then you can rest again. Just a little way’s to the wheelchair, I kept coaching myself. I put my feet on the floor and braced myself against the side of the bed. I took one step before the pain and the dizziness completely overwhelmed me. My knees buckled and I crashed into the unforgiving floor. My head hit something and I felt a tear along my side. I barely heard the door open and someone yelling, “What on earth?!” The pain was so bad that I couldn’t even talk. I suddenly felt very sleepy. There was a roaring in my ears and that was all I heard before I passed out.

 

~*~*~*~

 

I laid there for the longest time unable to talk, just watching Brian pace back and forth in the room. He kept running his hands through his hair and sighing. I blew it this time, he didn’t have to tell me, I knew.

 

It took all the strength I had, but I finally willed myself to speak.

 

“Brian?”

 

He apparently didn’t hear me the first time, so I cleared my throat and tried again.

 

“Bri?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I’m okay now, lets just go.”

 

Brian laughed softly at me. “Nick, you’re talking crazy, you’re too sick to leave.”

 

I reached out and grabbed his arm, my eyes locked onto his.

 

“Please, let’s just get out of here, everything will be okay,” I pleaded. I wanted to walk out of here and just pretend none of this ever happened. I never wanted anything so bad in my life.

 

Brian shook his head, dismissing the idea. “Nick, you couldn’t walk out this door if you wanted to. You need to let them take care of you. Now just lay back and let them do what they need to do to you.”

 

Tears were stinging my eyes. I kept thinking that if I could leave then Lizz would be okay and this mess would be over and done with, like it never happened.

 

I watched as a nurse wearing purple scrubs came into the room with a new IV bag and a syringe. Nothing was said as she went about her work of hanging the new IV up and then injecting something into the line. I started to feel sleepy.

 

“What’s that?” My voice sounded drawn out and slow to me.

 

“Meds to help you and calm you, Nick,” the nurse replied smiling as she looked at her watch while she was pushing the meds into my IV line.

 

Brian evidently could tell I was falling asleep.

 

“Nick, I’m going to go and check on Lizz and see how she is, by the time you wake up, they will have you in your room, okay?” Brian said as he rubbed my shoulder.

 

The words were in my mouth to reply, but the dark haze overtook me before I could tell Brian that I wanted to go with him.

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

As Brian took the elevator to the intensive care unit, he was assuming to himself that Nick would be assigned a bed there shortly. As the elevator stopped on the floor, Brian momentairly hesitated, forgetting if he was to turn right or left when he got off. His indecision was immediately resolved when he saw Kyung approaching the elevators.

 

“Hey!” Brian called out, “how’s Lizz doing?”

 

Kyung smiled. “A little better, she’s stubborn though, she won’t listen to the advice the doctors are giving her.”

 

Brian quietly laughed. “Sounds a little like Nick there.”

 

“So Nick is awake now?”

 

Brian nodded. “Awake and complaining and thinking if he goes home everything will somehow magically reverse itself.”

 

“Oh, I know exactly where that’s coming from,” Kyung frowned.

 

“I was just checking to see how Lizz was doing. They gave some stuff to Nick and it calmed him down so I figured it was okay to leave until he got a room assignment. I was thinking they will be putting him on this floor too because of the seizures he’s had,” Brian stated.

 

Kyung’s footsteps slowed when Brian said seizures. She knew that was not good and it appeared in the way Brian was talking that he figured it was something that would medically disappear.

 

“Do they know why he’s been having them? I mean, was it because of the meds he took or what?” Kyung tried to keep her voice calm, she knew she failed when she saw the alarm in Brian’s eyes.

 

“I.. I don’t know for sure. He hit his head when he passed out at the hotel, and the xrays are negative so they really aren’t sure. This will stop though, right? I’ve been praying this is something temporary,” Brian searched Kyung’s face for answers.

 

Kyung touched Brian’s arm. “I’m sure it will be fine. There’s probably---”

 

A loud crash from Lizz’s room stopped Kyung in mid sentence. Both she and Brian dashed towards the door, with Brian reaching it first and pushing it open.

 

“What on earth?! Lizz!” Brian shouted as he saw Lizz laying on the floor, a table overturned next to her.

 

Kyung immediately saw the blood soaking onto the side of Lizz’s gown. She had torn the stitches when she tried to walk to the wheelchair.

 

“Brian hit the nurse call button for me,” Kyung instructed.

 

Brian nodded, and hit it and then turned back towards Lizz, scooped her up and laid her gently back into her bed. He saw the blood soaking on the side of the gown and felt momentairly dizzy. He swallowed hard, trying to push the nausea away. The sight of blood was not something he tolerated very well.

 

Kyung immediately laid the head of the bed down so that Lizz was laying flat. She strapped a blood pressure cuff back on Lizz’s arm and turned back on the heart monitor.

 

“She does some stupid things, you know that?” Kyung mumbled as she read the blood pressure.

 

Lizz started moaning once her pressure started to return to near normal levels.

 

“Wha..what happened?” Lizz asked, her eyes wild as she looked around the room. When her eyes rested on Brian’s face she grew restless again. “How is he?”

 

“Nick’s okay, he will be up here soon enough, just calm down and let us relay the info, okay? You don’t need to hurt yourself and make it worse, Lizz,” Brian said in a soft, soothing voice.

 

Lizz nodded slightly, accepting Brian’s advice. She couldn’t help it though, she was still worried about Nick.

 

“Where is he?” Lizz softly whispered, her energy drained.

 

“He’s still down in the emergency room, he will be assigned to the floor pretty soon,” Kyung replied. “Brian, could you stay here for a minute? I’ll go check at the station and see where they will be sending Nick, okay?”

 

Brian nodded and scooted a chair next to Lizz’s bed. Kyung was only gone for a few minutes when she appeared back in the room.

 

“Nick is no where to be found on the computer, what gives?”

 

Brian breathed a sigh of relief. “They are going under an alias to protect him, oh I am so glad to hear that.”

 

“Do you know what name they would be using?” Kyung quizzed.

 

Brian shook his head no. It was so guarded that even he didn’t have any idea what they were doing.

 

“At least maybe this will stay a secret.” I whispered.

 

Brian looked at me, but didn’t say anything. I could tell by the look in his eyes that there was something that he wasn’t telling me. I started to ask, but I was stopped by a shooting pain in my side that took my breath away.

 

“Lizz?” Kyung must have seen the look on my face. “Hold on hun, let me get your nurse.” She hurried out of the room.

 

I tried to sit up a little to see what was causing me so much pain. Brian immediately put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me back down. “Lay still, you are going to make it worse.” He coaxed.

 

I brought my hand down to the side of my gown. When I lifted it back up, the sight made me lightheaded. “I’m bleeding.” I breathed. It hurt.

 

“I know. You probably tore something.” Brian frowned. He looked a little pale.

 

Della burst through the door and Kyung followed behind, pushing a cart full of supplies. “What happened?” She demanded.

 

“I fell.” I whispered.

 

“Okay, let me see what you did.” She pulled the sheet up to my waist and then pulled up my gown, exposing just my side. “Oh shit.” She muttered.

 

“Lizz, you tore your sutures wide open!” Kyung exclaimed.

 

Brian turned away quickly and sort of swayed.

 

Della looked up sharply. “Are you okay?” She asked, watching him carefully.

 

“I’m fine.” He mumbled.

 

I started feeling really woozy. I could see a considerable amount of blood all over my sheets. “They’re going to have to take you back down and sew you up.”  Della told me as she applied pressure to my side. She turned and said something to Kyung and then Kyung left the room.

 

“Why can’t you do it?” I protested. “People get stitched up in the ER all the time.”

 

“This is a little more delicate because they are surgical sutures. They also need to make sure there is no internal bleeding.” She explained.

 

I whimpered. “It hurts. Make it stop.”

 

“We’re working on that.” She said gently. “Why were you trying to get out of bed? You should know that your body is far too weak.” She chastised.

 

“I had to go find...” I trailed off.

 

Della didn’t seem to notice my hesitancy to end my reply. “You are slowing your recovery down by trying to force your body to do things is isn’t able to do. I’ll be right back. I’m going to see if Kyung was able to get ahold of your doctor.” She looked at Brian who hadn’t said a word in the last few minutes. “Could you hold pressure on this while I go do that?”

 

“Uh sure.” He said uncomfortably. She left and I had to smile at the look on Brian’s face.

 

“You don’t like blood do you?” I asked him.

 

He shook his head.

 

I knew pressure had to be applied so I wouldn’t bleed to death, but it hurt something fierce. I tried not to let Brian see that.

 

“You shouldn’t have done that.” He said quietly. “We were on our way back to your room.”

 

My eyes welled with tears. I wasn’t sure if it was from the growing pain or the shame of doing something stupid again. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to try to find him. I thought if I could see him for myself, then I would know that he would be okay. I didn’t mean to make things worse. I guess I wasn’t thinking.” My voice was barely a whisper.

 

“Lizz, I just hate to see you going through this. You guys are both so concerned about each other that you are making things harder on yourselves. You need to take the best possible care of yourself so that you can get better faster. So does Nick.” He smiled ruefully. “You two are two of the most stubborn people I have ever known.”

 

I tried to smile. “Stubbornness is a trait that I am willing to admit to.”

 

He patted my hand. “Well use that stubbornness to get you through this okay? When it gets harder, and it will, don’t give up. Stay with it and be the strong person that I know you are. Maybe that will help Nick too. Everything’s going to be okay.”

 

I nodded. A few of the unshed tears slipped out and I blinked furiously. A few moments later Della and Kyung returned. There were also a couple guys with a gurney. Very quickly and carefully they lifted me onto the gurney. My eyes felt really heavy. It made me wonder how much blood I lost.

 

Kyung brushed a strand of hair out of my face. “We’ll be here when you come back okay?”

 

I nodded.

 

Brian squeezed my hand. “You’ll do fine.” He assured me.

 

As the transport guys loaded me into the elevator I tried to relax. There was something that Brian had said that stood out in my head. What did Nick do that he was slowing down his recovery too? It was my last thought as I fell asleep.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Brian and Kyung stood in Lizz’s room and watched Lizz being pushed down the hall to back to the OR.

 

Kyung noticed Brian glancing uncertainly at the blood that had soaked the sheets and the small pool on the floor.

 

“It’s less than it looks.” She said. She tried to convince herself along with him.

 

“I hope so cause that looks like a lot.” Brian said, frowning.

 

“Come on, let’s go out of here so they can clean up.” Kyung suggested. She didn’t miss the look of relief that Brian showed.

 

“Nick should be on his way to his room. We could go check.” Brian said.

 

“Okay.”

 

They were silent until they reached the elevator. “I can’t believe she did that.” Remarked Kyung. “That was a pretty dumb move.”

 

Brian nodded. “I think she realizes that now. At the time she just wanted to try to find Nick. She said she thought if she could just see him, then she would know he was okay.”

 

Kyung frowned. “They are going to put in a graft to start the dialysis. A fistula is the preferable method, but her veins are already shot from all the meds she used to get through them when she was younger and had to have peripheral IV’s. Instead she has to get a graft. They are going to do that while she is already under anesthesia from sewing her back up again.”

 

“What is a graft exactly?” Brian asked.

 

“It works the same way as a fistula, but the difference is that with a graft, a piece of synthetic tubing is inserted under the arm to sew the artery and vein together. They use grafts when the veins aren’t strong enough for a fistula.” She explained.

 

“This is a permanent thing?” He asked.

 

“Yes, until she can get a transplant.” Kyung said softly.

 

Brian nodded. He couldn’t believe that she was going to have to go through this. They approached the ER and he desperately hoped that Nick was doing a little better. He also dreaded having to tell him what Lizz had done.

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

I laid watching the fluid drip down into the IV line. There wasn’t much else that I could do since I woke up. Brian was no where to be seen and I was a little ticked to think that he left and hadn’t come back yet. With each drip, all sorts of thoughts sprang into my head. The first and foremost one was the fact that I had screwed up again after I had promised Brian that I would talk before I tried something this stupid again. The second thought was that I messed myself up so well that now I was having medical complications. That had never happened to me before, so naturally, now I was really scared. I had done this too many times before, but Brian always bailed me out and I never had to go to a hospital, but this time it was different. This time I mixed the meds I took. This time I was really dumb.

 

My eyes fell onto a montior next to my bed. I immediately started thinking about my online chats with Lizz. I wondered how she was doing. No one was telling me anything definate and it was starting to bug me.

 

“Hey Nick!” Brian grabbed my foot and squeezed it, “how ya feeling?”

 

“Crummy but ready to get the hell out of here,” I mumbled, knowing that he wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say about leaving. I noticed Brian wasn’t alone and I could tell that the girl that was with him dressed in hospital scrubs wasn’t with Brian on business.

 

“Nick, this is Kyung, Lizz’s roommate,” Brian introduced the girl with a nod in her direction.

 

“Hi Nick,” Kyung smiled.

 

“God, how is she? Is she okay?”

 

Both Brian and Kyung sighed. Brian raked a hand through his hair again. God, he had been doing that a lot since I was in here. He only did that when he was stressed out or upset about something. I decided he was just stressed.

 

“She is in OR right now,” Kyung began. “They had to sew her back up after she tore her sutures out. She was trying to get up to see how you were which was dumb on her part because she was weak to begin with and she fell down. It was a miracle that Brian and I happened to be at her door when that happened, otherwise who knows how long she would have laid there, bleeding.”

 

I could tell by the tone of this girl’s voice that she was not particularly fond of me currently. She was very protective of Lizz and I assumed that she blamed me for all that was happening to her friend. She didn’t need to worry about that though, I had blamed myself as soon as I came to and found out that Lizz had done what she threatened to do with the albuterol. I had also decided that if anything bad happened to Lizz, I would finish out what I had started. I wouldn’t deserve to live.

 

“Shit, but she will be okay, won’t she?”

 

“They are putting a port into her body for her infusions while she is on dialysis until a matching donor can be found for a kidney transplant.”

 

“Shit, I caused that, oh shit,” I whispered.

 

“No, you didn’t cause that, her system was compromised to begin with, this albuterol just took it over the edge,” Kyung explained.

 

I nodded slightly to indicate that I understood and accepted her explaination. I was also nodding to the fact that my life wasn’t worth shit at this moment.

 

“The surgical team is taking Lizz back to her room, I’m going to check up on her,” Kyung excused herself.

 

“Brian, I need to see Lizz,” I stated with urgency in my voice.

 

Brian pushed me back as I tried to sit up.

 

“Whoa, Nick, you have to stay here for now. When the time is right, you can see her.”

 

“No, you don’t understand Brian, I need to see her,” I stared him straight in those blue eyes. The eyes that looked back at me were not the familiar eyes I was accustomed to looking at, they were bloodshot, and pale if that was at all possible. I took the life from him.

 

“Nick, you are sick, please try and understand that. What you did to your system has knocked it out of sync. You are having seizures and they don’t know why yet. You need to rest and let the meds work on you that they are giving you, okay? I called your mother and she and your father will be here in the morning.”

 

“Oh god, no Brian! Why did you call my mom?” I was hoping I misunderstood Brian.

 

Brian looked away from me. “When I called her Nick, I thought you were gone,” Brian sighed. “I..I thought we lost you forever.”

 

“Call her back and tell her I’m fine and we will be touring again,” I begged.

 

Brian shook his head no. “Can’t do that Nick, they had a right to know.”

 

“Brian you never told them about the other times---”

 

“Because I could fix the other times, Nick. This time it’s not gonna happen, okay? It’s in the Enquirer and they will be finding out. This is something you have to face now, get it?” Brian hissed.

 

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” I yelled at Brian. I hated him at that moment more than anything at that point and time in my life. He crossed the line involving my parents and there was no turning back now.

 

As I watched Brian turn to leave, the room started turning a funny gray color like when your TV set gets zapped in a storm. Then I could hear something off in the distance.....

 

“NICK! OH GOD!”

 

~*~*~*~

 

“No, she’s asleep still...About a half an hour ago...Well no, she tore them pretty bad, but they sewed them back up without any problem...Right and the graft too. It made sense to do both things while she was under. It isn’t good for her to keep being knocked out like this...I know, I’d love to beat the crap outta her! I don’t don’t what gave her the idea that she could walk. She is way too weak...As far as I know, better. He was awake and talking a little bit ago...He’s pretty upset too...No, I still haven’t been able to get ahold of them...If you could manage it that would be awesome. I think she would be happy to see you...Right, okay well I’ll talk to ya later then?...Okay I will...Bye.”

 

I woke up to hear Kyung on the phone with someone. I couldn’t tell who it was so I just layed there and listened to the onesided conversation. It wasn’t like I could do a whole lot anyway. I felt even weaker than before, but at least now I wasn’t in any pain. I had to think about that one for awhile, but then it occured to me that I was probably on a bunch of pain medications. Kyung noticed me watching her and smiled.

 

“Hey sweetie.” She greeted me.

 

“Hi.” My voice came out raw, like I had been chewing on razor blades.

 

“That was Julia. She’s going to try to get down here.” Kyung nodded at the phone.

 

That made me smile. Julia was one of my closest friends, but I only got to see her when I went home on the occasional weekend or holiday. She and her husband were getting ready to move back to India in a few months. A couple years before they stayed there for almost a year and they loved it. “How is she going to do that with her little one?” She had just had a baby a few months ago.

 

Kyung shrugged. “She is pretty determined. Oh, I tried to get through to your parents again, but there still isn’t an answer.”

 

“I bet they went to Kansas for an auction. If that is what they did then they won’t be back for a few days.” I vaguely remembered my mom mentioning that when I talked to her last. That meant that would not be home until a couple days later. I was cool with that.

 

“I’m sorry, Lizz.”

 

I shook my head softly. “It’s better that way anyway. You know my mom. She’d freak. It’s better that I tell her about all this when I am doing better so it is easier on her.”

 

Kyung stared at me. “You amaze me.” She said quietly.

 

“What?” I demanded.

 

“Nothing.”

 

Okay whatever that was...Then Nick flashed into my head. “How’s Nick?” I asked anxiously.

 

“Well I got to see him.” She started.

 

I narrowed my eyes at her. “You better not have been pissy at him.” I knew how she was and I could just see her being mad at him for all of this. I tried to think of something to say to her so she wouldn’t blame him. It was my deceision to do this, he didn’t force me too. Although that was something I didn’t want to think about. I didn’t want to think about how the rest of my life was affected now. The fact that if I didn’t get a tranfusion soon then I would die. The fact that I had messed myself up pretty bad. I couldn’t even stand on my own two feet and my whole body was screwed up from the albuterol. Some of it was still in my system, I could tell. And now I was going to have to start dialysis. I didn’t know very much about it, but I knew that it wasn’t always pleasant.

 

“No, I wasn’t pissy at him. I’m not mad at him. I just am...mad that all this happened.” Kyung said, bringing me out of my thoughts. Still, even though my life was pretty screwed up at the moment, I don’t regret doing what I did. At least Nick was still with us.

 

“Good!” I said. I looked down at my arm and noticed the white bandage around it. “That’s the graft huh?” I said quietly.

 

Kyung nodded. “They won’t be able to use it for awhile though. It needs to heal first. Did they tell you what they were going to do meanwhiile?”

 

“No.”

 

Kyung broke her gaze from me. “The only way they can do it for now is by putting a tube either in your neck or just below your collar bone.”

 

My eyes widened. “Oh god.” That didn’t sound good. In fact it sounded pretty bad. It scared the crap out of me.

 

She returned her gaze to me. “It’s only until the graft heals. They’ll be here in a little bit to start you on the dialysis.”

 

“What’s it going to be like? Other than the tube part...” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

 

“Well it is different for everyone. There are some side effects that you might get. Especially considering the state you are in now. Dizziness, nausea, headache, stuff like that.” She listed.

 

“Oh fun.” I smiled wryly.

 

“Maybe it won’t have to go on for long.” Kyung suggested.

 

“What if I don’t get a transplant?” I asked her. I don’t know why I bothered. I already knew the answer.

 

“Lizz, you’ll get one.” She gave me a look.

 

“But what if I don’t?” I persisted.

 

“Lizz!”

 

I saw that I was upsetting her so I shut up. I don’t know what the point of all that was anyway. Maybe I just needed to hear the words out loud so they wouldn’t seem so unreal. It wasn’t unreal. If I didn’t get a donor, I would die. It was as simple as that. Then the feelings of blaming myself started hitting me. For some reason I felt like none of this shouldn’t have happened. I should have prevented it. What kind of friend was I to Nick if I couldn’t help him. I still didn’t even know if he was going to be okay or not. I just know that I should have done something to stop him. A little part of me tried to tell me that these feelings were ridiculous just like Kyung had told me. I couldn’t help it though. He was so close and I couldn’t do a thing. The emotional turmoil inside of me was growing.

 

“Lizz what’s wrong?” Kyung looked at me carefully.

 

I didn’t trust my voice so I didn’t say anything. Just then her pager vibrated and I watched her suck in a breath when she read the message.

 

“What?” I demanded.

 

“It’s Brian’s cell. He told me if anything happened he’d page me. I’ll be back in a minute.” She rushed out of the room and left me to sit there and worry about what had happened.

 

***

 

 

ß Back | Next à