Prologue

Ciara stirred, waking to the sun warming her face and naked bod-…naked? She jerked fully awake and looked to the typically empty side of her bed. Blonde, naked, sprawled out, half under the sheets, half out, Nick. He was still here. It was morning. Their nights together had never ended up as mornings together before. It was just an agreement they’d made a few years before. But here he was. Here she was.

She sat up and ran a hand through her tangled hair, sighing at the memory of the night.

Now that she was more awake, her memory was more clear, more vivid, more…man, was it hot in here? They had fallen asleep once, awoken once and enjoyed a repeat performance of their initial love making. Love making. Hell yes, it had been love making.

To Nick. With Nick. Unbelievable.

Her partner stirred slightly and she mindlessly started running her fingers through his hair. He slept hot. His head was slightly damp and she let her hand trail down his neck to the small beads of sweat laying there. “My sweet Nicky. What have we done?” His eyes fluttered open at her voice and he turned over to face her, wordlessly pulling her back down to snuggle in close. “’Morning, babe. I like your bed.”

“I like you in my bed. Did you sleep good?” Oh yeah, she could get real used to this.

“When I slept, yeah.” He smoothed his hand over her hair and kissed her forehead softly.

“I like waking up with you, too.”

“Yeah.” That was all she could say. She pulled him in close just wanting to feel his body against hers. No sex, no love making, no funny games. Just warmth. Touch. Him. Her.

He felt it too. Not now. Not sex. Although morning sex was sometimes the best, somehow it just might ruin the magic that still lingered in the air, clear the cloudiness of the dream from which they had yet to awaken. Not now.

The couple laid in one another’s arms listening to their breathing, running through the previous night in their mind, wondering what to say, if anything. Then they listened again, wondered again, smiled again.

Neither knew how long they had been laying there. Neither cared. No work today. His schedule was totally clear for a few weeks. It was her weekend off from the hospital. But finally, the gurgle in her stomach started a giggling fit that neither could stop. It actually sounded like the word, “food”.

“Fooooooooooooooooooddddddd!!!!!!!!”

He didn’t say a word until it’s third announcement, afraid maybe he was hearing things.

She was grateful. He couldn’t stop the giggle though.

“Fooooooooooooooodddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!”

Maybe he hadn’t heard it at all? Maybe he just liked to giggle in the morning. Finally, he had to ask. “Um, Ciara…what the-??”

No such luck. “Heh-heh. Me and my pet stomach.” She sat up flush-cheeked and obviously hungry. “You hungry?”

“Not THAT hungry. When did you acquire that little trick?” He peeked under the covers to see if she had something hiding down there making the noise. It surely couldn’t be HER!

She smacked the sheet down and giggled. “Stop it! Since I was a kid. You’ve uh….” She looked down at his beautiful face, suddenly silent again. It truly was amazing that she’d never seen it in the light of the morning. Their trysts had always been at night. Safe, one-night stands. Flirt. Fuck. Flee. Everything else was friendship. It worked. Now someone, somehow had changed the rules. Here he was with bed head, sex head, eye boogers, and one little sheet wrinkle on his left cheek. He was gorgeous. “…you’ve never been here in the morning before.”

“No, I guess I haven’t. Well, do we feed that thing or just let it talk to us?”

“My vote is to feed it. Where we goin’? I don’t cook before noon.”

“Um, Ci…it’s 12:30.”

“Well, hell. That explains a lot. Okay, off to the showers. We need to get moving.” She slid to the edge of the bed, suddenly embarrassed at her nakedness. She turned back to her lover and smiled. “Nick?”

“Mmmmm? You’re beautiful in the morning, you know that?”

“Stop. Thank you. I’m trying to be serious. Don’t flirt with me now.”

“Oh. Sorry.” He sat up and ran his finger under the sheet she had tightly wrapped around her waist.

“Foooooooooooooooooddddddddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Finally, he laughed out loud, falling back on the bed. “My God, woman, let’s get in the shower and go feed it. I’m afraid it’s gonna jump out and hurt me.” He hopped out of bed, totally mindless of his own nakedness and grabbed her by the hand. “Come on.

Wash me.”

Chapter One

"Hey, can you reach around there and get me a towel?"

"Huh?" Ciara turned her head to the young boy, smiling at his dripping wet hands. "Oh, yeah...sure." She peeked around the corner to the shelves stocked with white towels, pulling one from the top. "Here you go."

"Thanks. You're new here. What's your name?"

"Ciara. Yeah, I just started volunteering today. You're kinda young to be..."

"Oh! Ciara! I see you've met my son, Nick. He's not giving you grief already is he?"

"No, Mrs. Carter. He's just being a big drip." She winked at the boy and he returned her tease by sticking out his tongue and heading back into the kitchen to finish the final lunch dishes.

"Ah, I see you're going to fit in here perfectly. Come on, let me finish showing you around."

The older woman wrapped her arm around Ciara's shoulder to finish her guided tour of her new place of "employment." Sure it was only volunteering at a nursing home, but if she wanted to be a nurse, this was definitely something she could be doing to get some experiences under her belt.

Ciara glanced back to the doorway where Nick had first appeared and chuckled as she saw his blonde head slipping back behind the frame. He'd been caught staring. What a cutie. "So, your son Nick. How old is he?"

"He's 11. Been here working or wreaking havoc...whatever you want to call it, since we opened up. He was 4 when we started. This is like his second home."

"He's a doll."

"Yeah, and he knows it. Sounds like you'll be good for him. Don't take his crap. The patients here think the sun rises and sets on him. A little ribbing ought to do him some good."

Ciara watched the woman's eyes as she spoke of her son. It was obvious she also thought the sun rose and set on him. As it should be. It's her boy. Her sunshine. "Well, I've always wanted a little brother. Just have annoying sisters."

"Oh, we have some of those traipsing about too. Nick's my oldest. He works hard here.

Whines about it sometimes, but with where he thinks he's going in life, hard work needs to be second nature. So, we put him to work."

The women made their way to the supply cabinet going over the location of items Jane thought Ciara would be called upon most often. The rest she could learn as she went along. "Okay, I think that's everything. I really don't have any assignment for you today.

You can take off it you want."

"Really? Oh, okay...um, same time tomorrow?"

"Yeah, that sounds good. We're really busy early in the mornings so this works out. We'll give you half hour or so for lunch. I'm not real strict about hours. Just so you're learning and we're getting the help we need, everyone stays happy."

Ciara grabbed her purse from the lounge and started out to her car. Well, okay, her dad's car. "I'm not buying you a car when you're completely capable of working and buying one on your own." She rolled her eyes at the memory of his words, inwardly grateful that he too was going to make her work for what she wanted. Now it was time to volunteer, though, so a car of her own would have to wait. She could wait.

As she approached the huge front door, she saw that familiar tuft of blonde hair also heading out. "Hey, blondie...where are YOU going so early in the day?"

He looked back and smiled in recognition of his new friend. "I'm going home for lunch.

Wanna come?"

"To your house? How far away is that?"

"Across the street. I get sick of the food here, so Mom lets me grab a sandwich at home sometimes. Come on."

She couldn't help but smile at the boy. There was an engaging shyness about him, but yet his comfort, even at their obvious age difference was very welcoming. Almost made her forget how young he really was. Until she looked at him. And what a cute kid he was.

Blonde, blonde, blonde hair, dancing blue eyes, freckles dotting all over his nose and cheeks and a smile to beat all. No wonder he had all the older ladies wrapped around his little finger. She was already under his spell.

"Alright. I thought I'd be here later anyway. Don't have anywhere to be. What are you gonna serve me?"

"Peanut butter and jelly is about all I can manage. Hope that's okay."

"Sounds great."

They approached the curb, he took her hand and jerked forward as he pulled them to a run across the street. She squealed in surprise, almost falling from the sudden movement. They breathlessly reached the other side and he looked over at her heaving body. "You okay?"

"What the heck was THAT for? You 'bout ripped my arm out of its socket!" She had to chuckle as she rubbed her shoulder and readjusted her shirt.

"You can't WALK across a street! Gotta run! Come on...I want you to meet my dog."

Dog? Shit. "Ohhh...okay..." Sound excited Ci. He's a kid.

He let her in the house and she instantly "met" the animal. Could barely get in the fool door because of him. Huge mother. What was it anyway? She took a gulp and reached down to pet the large black creature. He seemed friendly enough, although good god, wasn't he a Doberman or something? "Hey, Buddy..."

"That's Sabboth. He's a big old teddy bear."

She stood back up and smiled weakly. "Good. Looks meaner than hell...uh, sorry. I mean, he's big, isn't he?"

Nick giggled and walked into the kitchen. "Don't like dogs, huh?"

"Well, now that you mention it, no, I don't. But, uh...if you SAY he's friendly?" She meekly looked back at the creature who was happily sniffing her purse.

"He is, trust me. What do you want to drink?" He looked at the bar stools and invited her to take a seat without a word. She sat down, but kept her eye on that animal. Huge.

Insanely huge.

"Diet pop is good. Can I help?" It somehow seemed odd to have a kid serving her lunch.

Shouldn't she be doing that?

"Nope. You're my guest. Heavy or light on the peanut butter?"

"HEAVY! You mean there's a choice?"

He looked back from the freezer where he was retrieving ice for drinks and smiled.

Damn. Killer on such a young face. "Not in MY book, no."

"Good. You scared me there. So, uh...like I said before, you're awful young to be working at the nursing home. Shouldn't you be out riding dirt bikes or something?"

"I don't like dirt bikes, but yeah. I get to play. I like basketball and water stuff mostly.

What about you? What do you do when you're not working?" He served the drinks and started on the sandwiches with HUGE scoops of peanut butter on the knife. She secretly wondered if she'd actually be able to swallow with all the goop he was slathering on the bread.

"I love water sports too. Swimming, jet skiing, scuba diving, all of it. Love to fish with my daddy too. I suck at it, but..."

"That's what's great about fishing. You don't have to be good at it. You just have to like it.

Grape jelly good?"

"Perfect...and uh, not too much, please."

"You sure are picky!"

"Sorry. It's looking good though." She offered a wink and quickly changed the subject again. "And yeah, it's a good thing you don't have to be good at fishing. I just like being on a boat with my dad more than anything."

He stopped spreading and looked up at her. Okay, so he was only 11 years old, but he surely knew a pretty girl when he saw her. Yeah, she was too old and a GIRL. They were normally still kinda icky, but this one?very nice to look at. And how perfect was this?

She liked fishing and being in the water. This was going to be a GREAT summer.

"Yep. That's the best part. Maybe we can go fishing sometime together, huh?" He plopped the two slices of bread together and slid the plate over to his new friend. "Eat up.

I've got 20 minutes before Mom expects me back."

"Oh crap! I almost forgot. Uh, where did I put my purse?"

"Over by the door. I'm gonna start without you."

"That's okay." She hopped off the bar stool and shooed the dog away from her purse.

"C'mere, Sabbath. Leave her alone."

The dog listened to its master and trotted to the boy's side as Ciara dug in her purse for something. Nick kept eating but didn't take his eyes off of her...how old was she? He had no idea that would only be one of many questions to ask this girl over the summer.

She pulled out an orange bag of sorts and opened the Velcro carefully. Laying it on the couch, she fiddled with its contents out of his range of sight. Suddenly, she lifted up a bottle of medicine and carefully extracted some of the its contents into a syringe. A few taps on the plastic tube, the rolling up of her sleeve and a sharp stab to her arm followed.

She turned to the young boy and smiled as she pulled the needle out of her arm quickly covering the spot with her finger.

"Ciara...what are you doing?"

Chapter Two

Ciara smiled brightly at the look of concern on Nick’s face. “Doesn’t hurt, baby.”

“Mmmm….yeah, that’s what you’ve always said. How many a day you up to now?” Nick watched as she capped up the needle and put it back into her bag. Ten years later and he still couldn’t get used to watching her do this to herself before every meal.

“Three, sometimes four. Depends on my schedule, my blood sugar. Same old shit.”

“You didn’t take that many last time we talked…it’s not the same old shit, Ci. When is it gonna get better?”

“Nick, honey…it’s not. I’ll never get better. This is something I’ll have to live with…and die with. You’ve known this all along.”

Diabetes. Thing was, it was only the root of an entire forest of scares and health problems that Ciara dealt with on a day to day basis. What was so odd was that she rarely, if ever looked sick. It was a hidden disease, known only to those closest to her.

And Nick knew. Plenty. He gingerly reached across the table and touched her arm, not having a word to say.

“I want bacon. Lots and lots of bacon.” She placed her hand on his and offered a smile.

Getting him back to normalcy after a reminder of her health was always difficult. Maybe it was from the scares she’d put him through as a kid. Maybe it was because he was like every other man in her past. He couldn’t deal with it. Damaged goods. That’s all she was.

There was no way Nick was any different from all the rest.

He took her hand to his lips and kissed her fingers. “Then bacon we’ll get.” He knew she wasn’t in the mood to talk about it, not like she ever was. But somehow they had to talk about last night. About this morning. About…tomorrow. Her health was not part of that equation, at least not to him.

They placed their orders for eggs, hash browns and “lots and lots of bacon” and settled in their seats for the wait. Neither could stop staring at the other, going over events from the night before, memories from years’ past, wonderings of days to come…would there really be any? Was that just a night of incredible love making and flimsy words to rationalize it all? Neither knew. Both were afraid to ask.

“So, uh…how was your tour? Damned long one this time, huh?”

“Tour was good. And yes, very long. We head to Japan in a few weeks.”

“You’ve never been there before have you?”

“Yeah, a long time ago and then for that One Hundred Hour thing last year….” He stopped talking and remembered. Their last time together had been before he left for Sweden. Before that trip. Before the album. And he’d never called. He’d never written.

Dammit all. What had he been thinking? “Cici…my god. I’m so sorry. I never…you know how much I missed you, don’t you?”

“Yep. I know it. You were enjoying your single life, your adulthood…it’s all good.”

“I know…too much sometimes. But I always kept up with you on tour before. Hell, you used to join me for a bit of it. What the hell was I…” He looked down at their hands intertwined knowing that of all the women he’d been with for that tour alone, none could even compare to his Cici. What a fucking waste. He finally looked up and met her gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. We agreed to be nothing more than friends and…well, you know, an occasional romp in the sack. Nothing more. You didn’t owe me anything.”

“But…don’t you see, Ciara? I meant what I said last night.”

“Don’t, Nick. Promises after sex mean nothing.”

“I didn’t make any promises. Neither did you. And I’m sorry, but that was not just sex.

Or were you somewhere else?”

She looked up into his eyes. Those eyes. In them she could still see the little boy she met so many years ago. But, now he had been joined by a man. A man she’d never seen before. He was 20 years old last time they met. Newly single from an overbearing, overprotective witch of a girlfriend. Aged only by travel, parties, women and work. Now suddenly he seemed to want more of life. More for himself. But there was no way in hell she could be that for him.

“Yeah, I was definitely there, Nick. Totally and completely there. I don’t understand it all right now. I just don’t want you to feel obligated to anything you said to me last night.”

“All I said was that I was done running. Done playing. And I wanted to stop it all with you. I want to be with YOU, Cici.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Don’t tell me what I want, Ci. Or is it that you just don’t want…” Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of their breakfast. He looked firmly in her eyes, letting her know this was not the end of their discussion.

“Scrambled, browns and extra bacon for you…” The waitress laid the hot plate in front of Ciara and grabbed for her second plate.

“Thank you.”

“…and over easy, browns and bacon for…oh…my…God…” She almost dropped the plate in Nick’s lap as she caught a glimpse of who she was actually serving. He reached up to grab the plate from her and set it down, trying to remain polite. “You…you’re…”

“Yep. Hi. What was your name again?” He glanced at her name tag and offered up a hand while reading. “Sheila. Nice to meet you.” The girl quickly wiped her hand off on her apron and took hold of his. “I think we’ve got everything now. Thank you.”

“Oh, yeah…” She pulled her hand out of his and nervously brushed a free hair from the bun atop her head. “I’ll just uh, yeah…I’ll leave you two to, uh…yeah. Nice to meet you, Nick.”

He lifted his fork to her in response and looked back to his breakfast date. “And YOU…are no help at all. Sitting there snickering like a school girl.”

“Nice catch…you almost had scrambled eggs there yourself.”

“Yeah, all over my pants. How appetizing.”

“Mmmmm…yeah, sounds yummy!” Ciara wagged her eyebrows at Nick, grateful for the break in their previous conversation. If she played her cards right, she could keep him distracted enough to not have to continue it. “So, uh…” she peaked her voice up to a teenager squeal, “NICK!” He glared at her and smiled around his fork, chewing quickly so he could reply.

“What? You’re such a pain in my ass.”

“Thank you…are you going to be home for Halloween?”

“Yup! You got a good party to go to?”

“Yup! And I need a partner.”

“Ooooooohhhhh…..do I get to wear lots of make up? No one will know me?”

“Well, the costumes I had in mind, no, but we could do something to hide you, I’m sure.”

“Cool! If I can hide, I’m there. So…what are we gonna be?”

Chapter Three

“Oh come on, Cici…let me put this on you.”

“Get that greasy gook away from me. YOU’RE supposed to be the grotesque patient here.”

“Yeah, but you’re a spooky nurse. You need spooky make-up.” She grabbed the sponge out of the boy’s hand and couldn’t help but smile. To say he enjoyed Halloween was a major understatement. The kid lived for it.

“Aren’t I too old to be doing this anyway, Nick?”

“Show me where in the rule books it says you can’t go trick or treating after a certain age.”

Silence. Damned kid had her there. “But Nick….I feel foolish.”

“Stop it. You’re my chaperone. Dad’s taking BJ and Les, Mom’s staying here with the twins. You’re hired. Now, sit still and let me put this make-up on you.”

“You’re a pain, Mr. I-Wanna-Be-A-Star, you know that?” Nope, it’s Mr. I’m-GONNA-Be-A-Star, and yes, I know…close your eyes.”

“Okay, okay, let me sit down first. God, you’re persistent.” She plopped down on the toilet seat and Nick almost jumped out of his skin dipping the sponge in the different colors, painting a scary, greenish hue on her face. He was always scheming up some sort of make believe play, show or movie for his family. So Halloween was an opportunity to let it all hang out. No holds barred. How Ciara got herself into the mix this time, she’ll never know.

“Ooooohhh, I’m good. Here, look at yourself.” He handed her a small mirror and gleamed with pride at his work. Yep. He was good.

“Alright, Patient. Switch me seats. It’s your turn. Where did you want that scar?” After Ciara finished up with the make up, she wrapped a “blood”-stained turban around her young friend’s head. He was downright giggling with glee. The goof. As she tucked in the final piece of fabric a squeal from the hall jolted them both out of their creative haven.

“NICKY!!!!!! Looky meeeeeeeeeee!!!! I’m a FAIRY!”

Ciara stepped back so Nick could see into the hall, laughing at his younger sister’s dance.

Leslie was swirling and spinning so much, she just might take off in flight. “Oh, Les…you look beautiful!”

The little girl stopped her swirling when her big brother’s head popped out from the bathroom. Her eyes bulged out of her head and she took a breath to scream, but nothing came out. Trying to help the little one see that it was just her big brother in funny clothes, Ciara got down on her knees to talk to her. Ooops. She forgot she was green.

That did it. The young child took one look at Ciara’s face, another quick glance up at her…big brother…maybe…and screamed at the top of her lungs.

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!” Her legs scampered before her body caught up, finally organizing themselves enough to run down the hall to her mother’s awaiting arms.

“Nickolas Gene…what have you done to your….” Jane stopped cold at the sight of her son. “Dear God, Nick. No wonder she can’t breathe.” Jane took the sobbing child back into her room trying to decide what was more entertaining. Nick’s costume, his make up, or the confused look on his face. “I think you’re done, Nick…go on out. It’s almost time.”

“Oops.” Nick sulked back into the bathroom for his own inspection of Ciara’s work.

“WOW! You should do make-up for movies and stuff! This is great!”

“Thank you, and no. I’d rather clean up wounds, not make them.” Ciara suddenly sat back down on the toilet seat, grabbing the sink ledge on the way. “Woah…hang on Nick.

I’m not feeling well. Damn.”

He had seen this once before on the boat the previous summer. Something about her blood sugar. Quickly trying to think whether it was high blood sugar or low blood sugar that made her weak and sweaty, he started pacing the bathroom…wanting to help, wishing Ciara didn’t have to go through with this junk. “Uh, you okay, Ci? Do you need something?”

“Yep…some fruit juice, or…hey. Your mom is giving out Life Savers isn’t she?”

“Yeah, I think so, why? You can’t have sugar, can you?”

“Normally, no, but I need some now. Go get one of those little packages for me, huh?” With a quick look back and worry written all over his made-up, scarred face, he took off down the hall to the front door as quickly as his costume would allow.

Ciara sat back on the seat, trying to keep calm. She’d been doing this a lot lately. It was getting old. Nick had only seen it once and he was just too young to be expected to handle it. Her friends rarely even saw it, and usually were complete retards with it when they did. One even went so far as to call her a druggie when she saw Ciara giving herself a shot at a pizza party after a football game last week.

As her lips started to go numb, Nick showed back up with a couple of packages of the candy. “Here. I grabbed a few. You okay?”

“Yeah, honey…I’ll be okay. Can you open one for me? My fingers feel like rubber.”

“Oh, okay, sure. Are you gonna still be able to go out?” Nick frantically struggled to find the pull cord on the wrapping, finally using his teeth to get it open. “Here…how many do you need?”

“A couple is good. Thanks.” She popped the candy in her mouth and sat back, smiling at the nervous boy sitting on the edge of the bathtub. So young, yet so mature. Five years her junior, yet in just a few short months had become a real important part of her life.

He kept her laughing, sang her songs, showed her that life was worth enjoying, not just dragging your butt through everyday. Her disease had made her a bit tired and old for her age. Nick brought back balance. And now, here he was nursing her back to health like a worried old dad. He was too cute.

She reached out to his fake scar and touched it gingerly. “I’ll be okay, sweetie. I just need a few minutes to get my blood sugar back up. I wouldn’t miss this for the world. YOU

need a nurse!”

He offered a tentative smile. “I think it’d help if you weren’t so darned green! That make-up is making this look worse.”

“Oh God. I forgot about that. I probably look gorgeous.” She giggled as she looked back into mirror he had offered only moments before, feeling a bit better as the sugar in the candy began to do its magic. How could something that could ultimately kill her also heal her? It was confusing, but sadly, that’s the way this disease worked.

After a few more moments, she felt strong enough to get up and give this trick or treating a shot.

“Alright. Let’s hit the streets.”

“You sure you’re okay? I can go with Dad.”

“Would you rather go with him? I don’t have to do this, Nick.”

“No! I want to go with you. The guys will be so jealous. I’ve got the prettiest green nurse on the block!”

“Oh, you really know how to win over a girl. Alrighty then, help me up kiddo. We have some spookin’ to do.”

Chapter Four

“Trick or treat!”

“Oh my God, Ciara…you’ve outdone yourself this year. Come on in, guys.” Deanna leaned into Ciara as she entered. “Who’s the date?”

“Bill. Bill Clinton, the priest, can’t you tell?”

“Yeah, and you’re a pregnant nun. UNDER the costume, girlie.” Ciara just smiled brightly and moved past her nosey friend, grabbing “Bill’s” hand.

“Come on, Bill. This baby is givin’ me a backache. I need some liquor to dull the pain.”

“Now, now…you can’t be drinking while you’re pregnant!”

“Get me drunk, Bill or this nun’s gonna take a vow of eternal chastity all over again.”

“You know, it’s REAL hard to take you seriously in that habit.” Deanna watched her friend and date, trying to identify the voice under the mask.

Damned funny costumes. A priest and a nun was good enough, but add that pregnant tummy on her and the Clinton mask…perfect. Leave it to Ciara to come up with something so stupidly funny. Who was that guy anyway?

“Psst. Come here, Sister.” Deanna grabbed Ciara away from Nick and pulled her into the bathroom. “Okay, come on. Who is it? You didn’t pick up Chris the other night, did you?”

“Oh God, no. Nah, he’s just an old friend who wants to uh…remain anonymous tonight.”

“Alright, alright…I’ll leave it alone. What’s he hiding anyway?”

“Don’t tell anyone, but uh…” she looked around the bathroom pretending to check for unsuspecting ears and leaned in close to reveal her secret. “He’s really the pregnant one.” Ciara planted a kiss on the cheek of her friend and quickly left the small room, grabbing Nick along the way to the bar. “Come on, Bill. Let’s get this party started.” Nick played his role to the hilt, occasionally rubbing Ciara’s “pregnant” tummy, doing imitations of Clinton as needed to get through the “who are you” questioning, and always somehow changing the conversation when someone might be getting close to figuring it out.

It was a great party, but a long one. After a few too many close calls, Nick had had it. He eye-balled Ciara from across the room and motioned her to a side hallway. She shimmied her way to the edge of the couch she was sitting on and let the friends on each side of her to push her up from behind. Thank God she’d never have to go through this pregnancy shit in real life. What a pain in the ass…back…legs…yeah. What a pain!

“What is it, uh…Bill? Need to visit the Oval Office?” Nick ripped the rubber mask from his face and gazed down at her. “Yeah, I’m thinkin’

that habit looks too clean. I might wanna stain it up a bit.” Before she could respond, he’d leaned down to her and was running his tongue along her bottom lip, pulling her in for a sinful kiss. Catching her breath, she looked up and giggled at his “mask hair”. “I think we can arrange that, Mr. President. Let’s get out of here.”

Nick grudgingly threw his mask back on and grabbed her arm working his way through the crowd to the front door. “Come on, Sister. Time for confessional.” As they made their way to Nick’s home, Ciara tried to undo herself from the pregnancy tummy and piles of fabric of the nun’s outfit. Between the latex, layers of fabric and excess alcohol, she was burning up and incredibly uncoordinated. She ended up in a fit of giggles, fabric and “tummy” while Nick struggled to concentrate on the road and not the peeks of skin he was getting whenever he glanced her way or offered a hand of support.

“Well, shit. Forget this.” She shimmied the belly back to the front, flopped the skirt back down and pouted the rest of the way home. All Nick could do was laugh at her. He was no help at all.

Finally inside, he ripped off his clerical collar and quickly took off his jacket. “Come on, Sister…let’s get rid of this, uh…baby.”

He leaned for a kiss and started unbuttoning, unsnapping, un….this was not working.

Trying to be smooth, he continued to delight her mouth with his tongue while not getting anywhere in removing her costume or worse yet, that damned belly. “Alright, dammit. Stop. No more kisses until we get this stupid thing off. I’m going crazy here.” Ciara giggled as she led him into the bathroom. “I need a mirror. Come on, Bill. You’ve done this before, haven’t you?”

As soon as she could clearly see the snaps, the black fabric dropped and draped around her ankles, showing a large latex belly, leotard and black hose. Very sexy. “God, you really know how to turn a guy on, Ci.”

“Oh shut up and help me get this off. It’s heavy.”

“Damn, no kidding.” He tossed the huge prosthetic belly on the floor and laughed.

“You’re still wrapped up like a burrito…tell you what…I’ll get this stupid thing off of me and wait for you in the bedroom.”

“Yep, I feel all slimy anyway…I’ll be in in a few.” No wonder priests and nuns were celibate. Couldn’t wait long enough to take off their damned outfits. Ciara got all of her layers off and jumped into Nick’s shower for a quick wash. While allowing the water to take away her slight buzz from the party, it occurred to her she really had nothing to put on, not that she needed anything, but…

She stepped out of the shower and stopped cold as she spotted a new addition to the bathroom. Obviously she’d had a visitor. Hanging from a hook on the wall was a beautiful, lacy negligee. Just the right combination of sexy and modest. Damn, he was good. Quickly towel drying her thick curls, she wrapped another towel around her body to look this thing over. How sweet. When did he do this anyway? Not wanting to ask anymore questions, she slid into the silky fabric and made her way to her awaiting lover.

He sat propped up against a pile of pillows, one arm behind his head, letting the sheets cloak his naked body and play off the color of his eyes. As she entered the room, he couldn’t contain the smile, the joy. She was beautiful. Wet auburn curls fell around her shoulders and the creamy silk hugged her at just the right spots. “Now THAT’S a habit I think I could get into. Come here, Ci.”

***

Morning again. Now it was Nick’s turn to mull it through. This was only their second night, second morning together since their meeting? Reunion? What should they call it?

He didn’t know, but he sure as hell liked waking up with her right by his side. They had yet to talk this all through, but at this moment he really didn’t care. She was here. She’d come back with him and didn’t fight it at all. Maybe, just maybe they didn’t need to talk.

They just needed to “be”.

Just as Nick leaned in to wake Ciara from her slumber, an unfamiliar ring jolted him out of his trance. “What the--?”

Grabbing a pair of sweats from a pile on the floor, he followed the sound to Ciara’s purse.

Digging around, he finally found her pager. Damn. Afraid he’d totally screw something up with her settings, he took it back to the bedroom and figured he might as well have a little fun with it. He quietly approached her side of the bed and laid it right next to her head….this oughta be good.

Sure enough, the pager began making noise again and Ciara sprung out of the bed like a cat whose tail got caught. “God dammit! What IS that!?” Nick fell back laughing at the look on her face, hair tossed all over the place and finally recognition at the sound. “Jesus, Nick. How did this end up in here?” He looked at her innocently. “I have no idea.”

“Liar. You put this thing here. You’re so gonna pay.” She picked up the annoying box and looked at the number. “Shit. I need to call in. It’s the hospital.”

Chapter Five

“Oh God, Cici, you’re finally here. It’s Mr. Mahler. He’s so sick and scared. He’s been asking for you and Nick all afternoon.”

“Why didn’t someone get him to the hospital? His heart has been toying around for a few days.”

“Honey, he’s a no code. He wants to die here. We can’t take him.”

“Yeah…right. Dammit. Okay, let me go see him.”

Ciara threw her lab coat on over her shirt. What a dichotomy. A high school jersey underneath her lab coat. She’d been at the home for a year now and was on the payroll.

Her role there was still supportive in every way, no medical care until she started college, but Jane allowed her to be a bit more involved in the patients day to day needs. Bed side love was her strength. Mr. Mahler was one of her favorites but he had fallen quite ill in the last few weeks. She and Nick would spend many off hours with him whenever they could. And when Nick was off at auditions or tapings for local shows, she took over both roles. Now…well, now it was looking like this show might be over.

She walked to his room and stood in the doorway for a few moments just watching his labored breathing, looking around for any sign of family support. Flowers, cards, a bedside chair that looked used. No such luck. The man was alone. Totally alone. It made her sick. As she made her way to his side, he stirred and slowly turned his head to his visitor.

“Cici, honey…you made it.”

“Of course I did, Charlie. You doubted me?”

He reached a shaky hand up to touch her arm, smiling when he made contact. “I’d never doubt you. You’re always here for me, aren’t you?”

“Yep. Now what’s this I hear about you giving everyone grief last night, huh? You’re supposed to be NICE to the night shift!” She took a seat on the edge of his bed and gently brushed his hair to the side, amazed at how fine and soft it was. Just like a baby…somehow it seemed like we made a full circle with life. Enter completely in need of love and care and exit the same way. What was the point?

“I know, Cici…I’m sorry. I’m…hey, where’s your little partner, huh? Where’s Nicky?”

“Oh, Charlie, you know Nick. He’s chasing the stars in Orlando. He should be back sometime this afternoon I think.”

“Oh good. He’s IS going to be a star someday you know that?”

“You know, Charlie, I think you’re right. He’s something else.”

“Yes, yes he is.” The older man turned his head away and sighed heavily. “I’m feeling a bit tired honey. Thanks for stopping in.”

“You sure you don’t need anything?”

“Just you. Bring Nicky in when he gets here, okay?”

“Yep. Will do. You rest now.” She leaned down and kissed the man’s cheek giving his hand another squeeze before she left him to sleep in peace.

Ciara walked to the nurse’s station and plopped down in a chair feeling helpless, useless and simply worthless. The head nurse caught her eye and she joined her young friend for a short break.

“What’s up, Cici?”

“Eh, Mr. Mahler. Thanks for calling me, but…I know I ask this all the time…are you SURE he doesn’t have any family?”

“None that will come when we call, no.”

“How can people DO that? How can they sleep at night? It makes me sick. He’s so alone.”

“Well, that’s why we’re here, honey. Part of our job is to make sure these people are never alone.”

“I know, and I’m honored. This is why I want to go into nursing for crying out loud.”

“So, you know this is part of it. You just get used to it, I guess.”

“I suppose. And what about Nick? The kid is 12 years old. How is he gonna deal with this today?”

“He’s seen a few go over the years. He cries, mopes and then picks himself up like everyone else.”

“I like Jane and all, but I don’t think I could expose my kid to this crap. I mean, I know what it’s like to be scared and in the hospital and feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck…or a caravan of them. I can deal with this stuff.”

“Well, he can too. She thinks it’s made him more sensitive to the needs of others, and from watching him grow up here I’d have to say she’s right. If the patients get too bad, she won’t let him in there.”

“Will she let him in to see Charlie? He really wants to see Nick.”

“Probably. They’ll be back in a bit. Why don’t you make your other visits…let the old farts cheer YOU up for once, huh?”

Ciara smiled at the older woman, happy to have someone with experience and yet, still have her heart out there for all to see. “Good thought. I could use a dose of laughter.

Where’s Karl? He out playing cards?”

“Most likely. Don’t take any money or he’ll win it right out of you.”

“No problem there. I’m broke as usual. Thanks, Connie.” Ciara peeked out to the courtyard and smiled, seeing Karl out at the picnic table trying to convince one of their newer patients to take him on in a game of poker. She figured she’d better butt in before there was a disaster.

“Karl! Hey there! Are you trying to cheat poor Mr. Anders out of his money?”

“Cici! Now you know me…would I cheat?”

She gave the new patient a knowing look. “Uh, yeah, you would. Mr. Anders don’t trust this man. He’s sweet and charming…and a real snake.” Winking at Karl, she took at seat with the two gentlemen, grateful for a glimmer of life in the day.

“Oh, you wound me, young lady. What brings you here today? I thought you had Thursdays off.”

“I missed you, so I came in. Is that okay?”

Karl lifted his deck of cards in invitation. “Poker?”

“Oh, no you don’t, Karl. Don’t you go cheatin’ Cici out of her money. You know what a lousy player she is.”

Ciara turned to the young voice and smiled. His blonde hair shone in the sun and blue eyes danced with the adrenaline from a hard days’ work singing and dancing. She got up to greet the boy quickly turning him away from the other men. “Mr. Mahler, Nick…he’s not doing well. He’s been asking for you.”

“Yeah, Mom told me. Will you come with me?”

Turning back to the older gentlemen, Ciara called, “Hey, boys. We have to go take care of something. Can you be trusted, Karl?”

“Yes, yes…I’ll leave the poor fool alone.” Mr. Anders just silently smiled, never being one of many words.

The young friends walked hand in hand to see Mr. Mahler, and for how exhausted and ill he was, he eyes lit up at their appearance. “Well, there’s my sweet couple. Come in and sit with me.”

Mr. Mahler had always teased the two, saying they’d made an attractive couple. No words of logic on their ages made any difference to him. So, they just went along with it, playing his game, letting him feel like a successful matchmaker.

“How are you, Charlie? Cici said you’ve been kind of tired today.”

“Yeah, real tired, Nicky. I was wondering…I know the nurses won’t want me to, but could we go outside for a little bit? I just want…I want to feel the air on my face.” Cici and Nick shared a glance and figured it couldn’t hurt. Together they worked to sit him up a bit on his bed, checking every few minutes to see if he was still okay. They tossed an extra blanket over his legs and wheeled him out to the courtyard where it appeared that Karl was indeed beating the pants off of poor Mr. Anders. Not to disturb the game, and just wanting some time alone with Charlie, they pulled him to the opposite side of the yard and watched the sky change from day light to dusk.

“Nicky,” Charlie was fighting for breath, but still seemed so strong of mind, “will you sing something for me?”

Nick looked up at Ciara with just a hint of fear on his face. “Uh, yeah…sure. What do you want me to sing?”

“Anything, Nick. How about something you sing with those boys you talk about at your auditions?”

“Hmmm…okay. Ci, you might need to join in here.” He squeezed her hand again amazed at his own nervousness. Somehow he knew this was the most important audience he’d ever performed for. With one more tentative breath, he finally began.

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain,

We all have sorrow

But if we are wise, we know that there’s

Always tomorrow.

Lean on me when you’re not strong

And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on.

For it won’t be long, ‘til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on.

“Keep going, Nicky…just sing it again.”

“Okay…” Before beginning he looked at Ciara and silently asked her to join in. Everyone who sang a note knew some kind of harmony to fit in with this one. Surely she could add on.

Ciara nodded and Nick started again, startled at the pretty addition Ciara’s voice made to his. They sang through the song again and again at Charlie’s insistence, continuing on even when he was too tired to ask. Finally, they silenced and stood on either side of the man’s bed, listening to…nothing. As the sun set on the horizon sending off hues of purple, orange and pink, the sun also set in the life of Charlie Mahler.

Chapter Six

“What are you thinking about?”

Ciara had always loved to watch Nick drive his boat. As he grew up, so did the size of his boats. It was almost funny. Now, he had a 45 ft. yacht. Still amazed her, seeing him grown and successful. To her, he was still just “Nicky.” Well, okay, definitely no longer a little boy with wishes of stardust and spotlights. He’d seen the star dust, been in, if not at times been blinded by the spotlight. But underneath it all still lived a boy with dreams.

And when he stood behind the wheel of his boat, she could see it as clear as the water beneath them.

“Oh, just watching the sun start to set…we need to head back before it gets too dark.”

“Yep. I’ve had fun today, Nick. This has been great.”

“I still can’t believe you caught a freakin’ shark.”

“Eh, I’m good, what can I say? Besides he was teeny.” She stood and went to the plaintive man, wondering what else could be on his mind. “Something else running around your head?”

“Mmmm, just watching the colors change in the sky reminded me of someone.”

“Can I ask who?”

“Do you remember Mr. Mahler?”

“I’ll never forget him. He was the first ‘patient’ I lost. The first person I saw die.”

“Oh God, that’s right. I forgot about that part. He’s been on my mind a lot lately. I’m not sure why.”

“He always thought we should be together. I mean, we joked along with him, but…”

“Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m wishing he could see us now.”

“Maybe he can.”

“Yeah, maybe. I’d just like to somehow let him know that we’re together. That we made it back to each other after all this time.”

“ARE we together, Nick? I mean, outside of the obvious. Do you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into?”

“I’ve known you almost half my life, Ci. Of course I know what I’m getting myself into.”

“I don’t think you do Nick. There’s so much you just really, really don’t know.”

“So why don’t you tell me, Ci? I guarantee you it won’t make any difference to me.”

“Just drive, Nick. We’ll talk later.” Wrapping her arms around his waist, she leaned her head on his back and wondered how in the world she was going to tell him all the parts of her life he missed when he was touring. Hell, some of it was going on right under his nose while he was home. He really didn’t have any idea how sick she really was, how many horrible mistakes she’d made along the way, how much of a mess her life seemed to be. No one in their right mind would want to be a part of it. Especially no one with so much at stake like Nick.

As he pulled into the slip, Ciara began to gather their belongings, feeling a bit melancholy herself. With few words, they made their way back to his home both deep in thought about their relationship, or whatever it was they were doing. She tossed their paraphernalia on the deck before walking in, gently kicking the dogs aside as Nick came in behind her and softly kissed her neck. “You smell oceany. Want something to drink?”

“Yeah, just some water. And I feel like a dead fish, so ‘oceany’ is probably good.” Nick got the bottles out of the frig and tossed one to Ciara. The tension is the room was palpable but neither knew how to cut through it. Nothing had gone wrong, nothing had been said. What was wrong? “Look, Ci, I’m not much for talking. I suck at it and you know it. But…”

“You can’t handle me, Nick. My life, my fucked up body, my messed up brain. You can’t handle it.”

“How in the hell do you know what I can handle?”

“No one can, Nick. No one has been able to up ‘til now. I’ve only dated older men, men with more stable lives than yours and they run. Every last one of ‘em run.”

“Oh yeah, you’re the queen of finding stable men, Ciara. Let’s see…there’s the high school sweetheart who broke your heart, gave you a second chance after he got his rebound pregnant, then there’s that mail nurse dude who was more into Ex than he was you, oh, let’s see…what else? Your ex-husband, the pathological liar, and uh…oh yeah, the married guy. No idea what the hell you’ve done this past year, but I see you were quick to partner up, so I’d assume we started this mess with you being alone.” He took a swig of his water, and made his way to the bathroom to hopefully wash off the sand and smell from their day out.

Following him up the stairs, Ciara was getting angry. He’d hit below the belt throwing some of her history in her face. “You really think you’ve got all the answers, Nick? Just because I gave you the abridged version of my love life, you think that little teenaged brain of yours comprehended it all?”

“No, Ciara. I don’t think I did. But I do realize that you did nothing to find stable people in your life, so don’t stand there and try to tell me that I won’t be able to handle things because of MY instability. Maybe you’re the one who doesn’t have a clue. Maybe you’ve looked for unstable people so you don’t have to follow through. So you don’t have to work at it. Use your illness as an excuse and you can play all you want.”

“Fuck you, Nick. That’s it…I’m leaving.”

“And there she goes. Running again.” He slammed his water bottle on the sink stopping her in her tracks. “See, Ciara? It’s YOU running, not everyone else. I’m here. Yeah, okay, I didn’t call for a year. I didn’t make any effort at all. But you had made it perfectly clear we were just…just…god…we were just fuck buddies. Just play things. What was I supposed to do?”

“I never asked you to call last year, Nick. I never expected it. I’ve never asked anything of you.” And where in the hell were these tears coming from? She did NOT want to cry. She was supposed to be strong, heartless. Friends. Good sex. He was not supposed to matter.

“And why not, Ciara? Why don’t you ask anything of anybody? You won’t let anyone love you.” He met her in the hall tentatively running a hand through her hair. “I want to love you, want you to expect things from me. But, Ci, you never let me in enough.”

“You still don’t know what you’re getting yourself into, Nick. I’m a mess. My life’s a mess.

I just can’t drag someone else through it with me.”

“What if we come willingly? Then you’re not dragging anyone. Why can’t you give me, hell…give anyone a chance?”

“Because…” She took his hand in hers and kissed his palm. Why not? She couldn’t answer that. Fear was the first thing that crossed her mind, but she knew better than to say that. This was Nick. There was nothing to fear, not that he’d understand anyway.

She wiped a stray tear from her face and offered a weak smile. “Because I have no answer to give. And I don’t want to think about it now. I just want to…can we do something really weird?”

“What’s that?”

“I know it’s dark and we probably won’t get in, but I want to go swing at the park.”

“Swing?” Nick had to chuckle. At least she was creative in her methods of avoidance.

And maybe it’d open her up a bit. Let the night air flow through that hair of hers and clear her mind. It worked when they were younger, why not now? “Alright, sure. Let’s go swing.”

Chapter Seven

“Come on, Cici. You can get higher than that!”

“Well, probably…I don’t like that feeling up there.”

“Oh come on. When you get up this high, you can jump! It’s like you’re flying!”

“And break every bone in my fool body when I land. No thank you.”

“Wimp.”

“Show off.”

Nick shook his head at his chicken-hearted friend and pumped his body a few more times to get to the peak of his swing. “Look out beloooooowwwwwwwww!!!!!!!” Off he flew, landing perfectly on his feet, falling into a somersault and jumping up in a victorious stance. “Come on, Cici…give it a try. I can’t believe you’ve never done this.”

“Well, I have, I just….I hate the landing, too.” She kept up her steady, easy pace on the swing quite happy with her sheltered swinging skills. Not to be quelled however, Nick ran behind her and started pushing her higher and higher. “Nick! Dammit, Nick! You are so lucky I’m afraid to jump or I’d fly down there and break your scrawny little neck.”

“Mmm-hmmm…shut up and enjoy the breeze.”

“Niiiiiiiiick!!!!!!! I feel like I’m gonna fall backwards.” Nick continued to push and giggle at her, hoping maybe with a little push, she’d try something new. No one should have made it to age 17 without jumping out of a flying swing. It just wasn’t right.

“Alright, Ci, now on the count of three, let go and jump. It’s slow enough, you can control your landing.”

“You’re not gonna stop pushing ‘til I jump, are you?”

“Nope. Here we go….”

“Godddddddddddd……”

“Quit whining. One…”

“Niiiiiiiiick!!!!!!”

“Two………….”

“Oh sweet Jesus, I’m gonna die.”

“THREE!”

She let go. She couldn’t believe it, but she let go. And she flew, and it felt good, and dammit, she even landed. No somersault, no victorious showcase, but she landed. “Oh!

Ha! Ha! I did it! I landed! On my feet, no less!”

Nick ran over to his friend and wrapped her up in a hug. “Yep, you did!” He pulled back and looked in her eyes, watching them dance from the excitement of the ride. “Wasn’t so bad was it?”

“Nope. But don’t you EVER pull that shit on me again, Carter. I don’t like being out of control like that.”

“Eh, it’s good for you. Come on. Let’s take a walk. I’ve got something to tell you.”

“Oh yeah? You’re gonna finally confess that you’re in love with me?” They stopped walking and he looked at her like she was nuts. “Yeah, that’s it. I’m secretly in love with you and want to marry you. You need to tell that boyfriend of yours to hit the road cuz Nicky’s here now.” He grabbed her arm and started walking again.

“You’re a riot.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll stick with Pat I guess, even though he’ll always be second.” She put her arm around the boy, amazed at how much he’d grown in the past year. He was taller than her now, not that being taller than her was such a hard thing to do. “Alright, Nick.

What is it?”

“Well, do you remember that last audition I was at? The one before Mr. Mahler passed away?”

“Yep. Sure do. Did something come of it?”

“Oh yeah. I wish he was still here so I could tell him.”

“He knows, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, he probably does.”

“So, cough it up, kid. What’s your new job?”

“Well, we’ve met a few times since and have a name and all. It’s a singing group. In Orlando. We’re gonna call ourselves The Backstreet Boys. You remember those guys I’ve talked about? AJ and Howie? Well, they’re in it too. Couple other guys I don’t know.”

“Wow, Nick, that’s great. But, if it’s in Orlando, I mean…you won’t be around much, huh?”

“Nope. I won’t. I’m probably done at the home. I won’t be seeing as much of you and…” He couldn’t continue. Didn’t want to cry for God’s sake, but, he really DID like Ciara.

Not like that but he liked being with her. She made him feel special. Didn’t treat him like a kid.

She saw his burgeoning tears and quickly looked away knowing he didn’t want to spill.

Trying to keep it positive, ruffled his hair and kept walking. “Yeah, well, you really hoped this would come some day. That’s what you’ve been working so hard for isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is. I even gave up the Mickey Mouse Club for it.”

“WHAT? You gave up the Mouskateers for this unknown thing?”

“Yeah, I did. I’m not sure why. I just…yeah, this felt right. Mom and I talked and…I leave in two days.” He stopped and pulled her over to a nearby park bench.

“Two days, huh? Wow.” She plopped down next to him, surprised at her own feelings in the matter. He was a 12 year old kid. She was a 17 year old girl. But, yet, their friendship was something she enjoyed. There was no peer pressure, no expectations of being someone other than who she was. He’d helped her when she got sick and never made her feel like she was less of a human for having some physical problems. She was just

“Cici.” And now…well, no one knew. And it was not a good feeling.

“I’ll come to the home tomorrow to say ‘goodbye’ to everyone, but I just wanted to be with you today.”

“Aw, Nicky. Thank you. Well, how about I take you out to lunch. To celebrate.”

“Okay, yeah. I’m sure Mom will be okay with that. Besides I want to ride around in your new car some more.”

“Oh, I get it now. You don’t love me. You just love my car.”

“Yep. That’s it. I’m using you for your wheels.”

“Oh well, at least you’re honest with me.”

***

Ciara pulled into Nick’s driveway with an amazing sense of grief. For such a young twerp, he sure had eked his way into her heart this past year and a half and she was not looking forward to his departure. “Well, kiddo. Here we are.”

“Yeah, here we are. Thanks for lunch and the ride.”

“Anytime. You’re not gonna stop talking to me when you become a big star now are you?”

“Cici. No. And this may amount to nothing. I really have no idea. I just have a good feeling about it. You’ll always be my number one girl.” She couldn’t help but smile and finally leaned over for a hug, sneaking a kiss to his cheek on the way in. “You be good, okay? And do your best, and…”

“And can I write you?”

“Yes. Please. You’ll just be in Orlando. Maybe I could pop over some weekend or something.”

“Yeah…maybe so.” They both feared those were empty words. Promises not to be kept.

“Let me walk you to the door. I can’t hug you right here.”

Chapter Eight

“Mmmm…you feel good. I hate this shit.” Ciara pulled away from the warmth of his hug, remembering every time she’d said ‘goodbye’ to Nick at an airport or in a driveway or…anywhere. Too damned many times.

“Yeah, so do I. I’ll only be gone about a week, baby. It’ll be okay.”

“I know, but it’s half way around the world.”

“True. I’ll bring you home a nice silk komono?”

“Oooh, that’ll be nice. I’d rather have you, but…that might help.” She smiled and laid her head back on his chest cuddling into him as far as she could.

Nick enjoyed the hug, but wanted to see her…look over her face, in her eyes, taking in everything he could. Sure, they’d done this innumerable times before, but today felt like…it felt like the wind was being knocked out of him.

As he lifted her chin with his finger to do just that, they were abruptly interrupted.

“Okay, love birds. We’re all glad you finally figured out how to hook up, but we gotta get on that plane.”

“AJ, man. Have you no class?” Nick smacked AJ upside the head laughing as the shorter man reached up quick to protect nothing more than his hat.

“Watch it, watch it. Don’t mess with the head gear.” Looking at Ciara he stopped goofing and offered one of his genuine smiles. “I’m glad you’re here, girl. Just a shame Nick’s such an idiot and waited so long. You could be coming with us.”

“Eh, that’s okay, AJ. I don’t think I could survive an overseas flight with you.”

“Aw, Cici…you love me.”

“Mmmm…get on the plane, AJ. I’ll send Nick along.”

“Hhmph! Come on, Sarah. She’s bein’ mean to me.” AJ grabbed his girlfriend’s bag and finally went through security.

“I thought he’d never leave.” Nick leaned down for one last kiss. “I’ll call or email or something. Whatever I can get to, I’ll do, okay?”

“Don’t bust your butt, Nick. Just get home safe.”

“No, I’ll call. Don’t push me away now, please? Let me miss you.” The little boy returned. Pleading, wishing, wanting her to simply appease him. And how could she refuse? “I’m sorry, Nick. Old habits die hard, I guess.” She touched his face, trying to mentally blend the boy and the man. “It’s time; you’d better go.”

“Yep. Come pick me up, okay?”

“I’ll be here, baby.” A quick kiss and he tossed his bag on the security belt. They hated not being able to go to the gates anymore. Goodbyes were hard enough, but doing them so far away from the planes…it just sucked. Ciara quickly made her way to her car, surprised at the flood of tears that overwhelmed her as she locked the door behind her.

“Damn him. Damn him for coming into that bar…for coming into my heart. What the hell am I gonna do now?”

***

“Deanna? Ciara. I need you woman. Dinner. My place. Tonight. 7:30. Please, don’t let me down.”

Ciara clicked off her phone and ran upstairs to change, to do…to do something. Clean.

She could clean. She changed into sweats, grimacing when her eyes landed on a pair of Nick’s still laying on the chair from a previous visit. “Get out of my head, dammit.” She grabbed her cleaning supplies and started in the bathroom, furiously scrubbing the shower walls and tub. The silence was making her mind work over time, so she flipped on the radio full blast. “Go on and pull me under; cover me with dreams, yeah….”

“Goddammit!” She slammed the radio off, storming downstairs to find something safe…whatever the hell that was. The ringing phone jerked her out of her frenzy with a start. “WHAT!?”

“You really know how to make a dinner invitation welcoming, woman. Are you cooking?”

“Oh Jesus, Dee. I’m sorry. Do you want me to cook?”

“I want to live. No.”

“Oh fuck you.” Ciara had to chuckle. Okay, so cooking was not her strength. “I’ll order a pizza. Is that acceptable for you?”

“You know I’m kidding. Yeah, tell me where and I’ll just pick it up on my way in.”

“You’re not kidding and it’s a deal. I need to talk. Need to unload a lot of shit on you.

Can you handle that?”

Deanna’s mood shifted immediately. “Woah. Yeah, I can handle it. You okay?” Nice. Nick’s favorite question, and dammit he always meant it. No, I’m not okay. “Yeah, I’m fine, sweetie. I just have been keeping too much from you and need to talk. Need to work it out. Need some things put back into perspective.”

“You want me to come out now?”

“I’m on a cleaning frenzy. You probably don’t want to see this.” Deanna laughed again, “I’m sure I can manage. How ‘bout I come help?”

“You’re nuts. Sure. Help, watch, whatever. You know where I’m at.” Within an hour, Deanna was cleaning the kitchen while Ciara finished the upstairs. They had cranked up some Lenny Kravitz and were singing along at the top of their lungs.

Safe, secure, leading to no memories, at least with this album. Finally, the pizza arrived and they took a much deserved break.

After getting settled with drinks and plates, the girls plopped down in the middle of the living room floor for their feast. “Okay, chicka. What the hell is going on?”

“Okay, you need to just let me talk first. Promise me you’ll say nothing.”

“I promise I’ll try. That’s all I can do.”

“Fine. Okay, here we go.”

And there she went. Deanna and Ciara had been friends for about five years, but Ciara never told Dee about her knowing Nick, and especially of their relationship since…well, since they’d started sleeping together a few years back. Dee was a fan. A big one.

Knowing Ci had an “in” would alter their friendship forever and Ciara just couldn’t risk it. She had learned that knowing a celebrity could screw things up between friends first hand. She was not willing to risk it again. There was enough threatening their relationship as it was just with Ci’s health and constant neediness because of it. No sense adding fuel to the fire, right? But now, well, now Ciara just needed someone to talk to, and figured Dee could take it. Or so she hoped. Now, she just needed someone to help her make sense of things.

And Dee listened. She almost spewed pop and pizza across the room a few times in shock, but she listened. What blew her mind was after the initial “Nick Carter” stuff, it was like listening to Ciara bitch and moan about every relationship she’d been…at least the decent ones. She was instantly ready to toss the good ones to the wind and she hung onto the assholes.

Suddenly, Ciara’s rant stopped. She looked to her friend and offered a cheesy grin.

“Okay, I’m done. Now I’ll just sit here and await your wisdom.”

“Ummmmmmmm…okay…”

“Do you forgive me for not telling you?”

“I’m thinking. You have known Nick Carter for 10 fucking years, you’ve sat by and watched me pull my hair out to get concert tickets and find their hotels, smiled politely at my pictures with Kevin and AJ, and all the while, you’re not only Nick’s friend, you’re his fuck buddy. You have had Nick Carter’s dick inside you and you’ve never told me.”

“Dee. I couldn’t tell you. It would have been the basis of our friendship and I just couldn’t do it. I’ve been stung by it in the past and I just couldn’t. I also couldn’t break trust with the guys by giving out their information. And truthfully, I rarely had it. I never did for any shows you went to.”

“Did you go to shows without me?”

“Uh, yeah. For Millennium, I did, and the tour before, but you weren’t a fan then.”

“And he takes off for Stockholm and you didn’t hear from him at all after that? What about when AJ was sick? You couldn’t bother yourself to call him then?”

“I didn’t have his number, Dee. He has to change his cell number all the time. I emailed him.”

“And he didn’t reply?”

“He did. It was brief. He was scared. Said he’d call and we’d talk, but he never did. He went on tour with his brother and then their own tour started back up. Dee, please. I know this is a shock to you, but truthfully, this is not what I need to talk to you about.”

“I know, I know. I’m just trying to process it all. You’re fucking Nick Carter?”

“I WAS fucking Nick Carter. Now, I’m…we’re…it’s…Jesus. Why is everything so damned complicated?”

“I don’t see what’s so complicated to be honest with you.”

“You wouldn’t. You’re a romantic. We go from fucking to making love and we should be planning our wedding already.”

“So, why aren’t you?”

“DEANNA! Look at me!”

“Yeah?”

“I’m damaged goods. You know this. You know just about everything in the book with me. I can’t provide for him the life he’ll want, the life he deserves.”

“Why don’t you let HIM decide that?”

“Because he’s 21 years old and can’t see past the next hour. He’ll say it doesn’t matter today, but…once he finds out everything…”

“What do you mean, ‘once he finds out everything’? You mean, he’s known you for 10

years and he doesn’t know you’re sick?”

“Well, he knows about the diabetes and that it’s rarely under control.”

“And?”

“And yeah…heh-heh. That would be about it.”

“My God, Ciara. For a brilliant person, you sure are an idiot.”

“Why thank you. What do you propose I do? Tell him everything and just watch him walk out the door like everyone else in my past has?”

“You planning on never telling him? What kind of relationship do you want with him, Ci?”

“I guess that’s what I don’t know.”

“Look, if you wanna keep him in your bed, say nothing. At least for awhile he’ll stay.

You’ve managed to keep him there for three years, outside of this past year off.”

“True.”

“But, I’m hearing more than that. You want more; he definitely wants more. If you want him to stay in your heart, where he deserves to stay…then you have to tell him everything. Let him prove to you what he’s made of.”

“That’s what scares the hell out of me. What if he proves he’s just as big of an ass as all the others?”

“Then you’ve lost nothing.”

“Nothing? He’s been one of my best friends for 10 years…even as a kid, he was the greatest person to hang around with. He taught me to let my hair down, not be so afraid of everything.”

“And if that friendship is true, it’ll work its way back. But, Ci, I don’t know…this seems…you’re in love with Nick Carter?”

“I’m not in love with him, Dee.”

“Oh, okay...sure…whatever.”

“I do miss him like mad already.”

“Obviously. So, uh…I have to ask…” Dee wagged her eyebrows at her friend, knowing she’d get her implication.

“Good God, Dee…okay. More than 7 and that’s all I’m gonna say. Now will you excuse me? I forgot to get my mail and I think I need some fresh air. You’re making me think of things I shouldn’t be while I’m here alone.”

As Ciara got to the door, she was stopped short by the shout of her friend. “Wait just one goddamned minute, missy.”

“Yes?”

Dee made her way to the door, realization finally hitting home. “You mean that Bill Clinton, the priest was Nick Carter!? He was at my Halloween party!!!!?” Ciara smiled, and put on her best Bill Clinton voice, “I did NOT have sexual relations with that nun.”

Chapter Nine

“Bills, junk, Dad’s stupid Sports Illustrated, oooh! Nick! He actually wrote! How cool!” Ciara plopped her parent’s mail on the kitchen table and took her letter to her room. She had spoken to him only once since that day at the park. Christmas time. He came home regularly, but was so busy doing family things, they never were able to meet. And it was fine. Ciara’s personal life had turned on its ear, and unfortunately, her health followed suit, as it typically did. Quickly rising and falling blood sugar levels had messed with her vision and seeing double had become something she was dealing with almost daily now.

To top it off, she was getting unexplained weakness in her hands and arms. That one she had kept to herself; Mom and Dad didn’t even know.

But now, she was going to leave it all for a few moments and read. She missed the little twerp. His light hearted attitude would have been useful when she and Pat, her long-time sweetheart, had split. Even more-so when, after a few weeks back at a reunion attempt, he announced that his rebound was pregnant. She had felt so lost and alone.

Even at 18, she really felt Pat was the one. And now? Now he was planning a shotgun wedding with a woman he’d known for a month.

“Shit, Ci…stop moaning and read.”

Cici,

I promised months ago I would write, and never did it. I hate broken promises, so…here I am. I could call you with what’s on my mind, but I can’t sleep. It’s about 2

a.m. and I’m wired. The guys are still out partying, except for AJ and he’s snoring like a bear next to me.

Let’s see, what is going on here? Well, we have 2 new guys already. The others didn’t work out. Kevin and Brian are from Kentucky. Kevin scares the crap outta me. He’s 22

and likes to be in charge. Fine with me, but I like to goof off sometimes and he’s not real thrilled with that. Brian’s great. He’s your age. I think you’d like him. GREAT

voice, too.

And here’s why I’m writing. We are doing our first show next week. It’s at Sea World! I want you to come, and bring Pat if you want. Then, Lou said we could hang around the park for awhile. I miss doing things like that with you. With anyone, really.

Anyway, Mom will probably call and work out the details if you can come.

Hope to see you there!

Nick

“Ah, yeah…bring Pat. Shit.” Ciara read the letter over again, giggling at the smudge over Nick’s name. He’d obviously debated on writing “love” or not as a salutation. Such a cutie. And damn, he was a full-fledged teenager now, wasn’t he? She didn’t even talk to him for his birthday and it was a big one. This new career was sure going to take some getting used to.

***

“Come on, Lindsey. I don’t want to be late.”

“Why are you so excited about this? I can’t imagine it’s gonna be any good.”

“Why did I invite you again? You could bring down Christmas morning, I swear.”

“You invited me because all of your other friends gave up on you when you were dating Pat, the Ass. I’m your left-over.”

Ciara grabbed Lindsey’s arm and pulled her to the back stage area. “Well, then you’re getting stale and moldy. Quit griping and let’s go.”

Lindsey groaned and stumbled along side her friend, stopping short as the backstage curtain swung closed behind them. “Oh wow.”

“Holy shit. Who is THAT!?” Tall, dark, handsome and shirtless. “There is a God and He is good.”

“CIARA!!!!!! You made it!” Nick jogged over to his friend, wrapping his arms around her in a huge hug. “Mom didn’t tell me you were coming for sure.” He let go and pulled back, suddenly embarrassed at his display to a girl in front of the guys. “Uh, yeah…I want you to meet everyone.”

Nick took Ciara’s hand and pulled her away from Lindsey. “Where’s Pat?”

“We’ll talk later.” Bringing Lindsey into the conversation, she introduced Nick to her childhood friend. “Nick, this is Lindsey. Linds, Nick Carter. You’ll see his name in lights some day.”

“Oh yeah?” She visibly doubted. How old was this kid anyway? 10? Today’s gonna suck.

Noting the attitude, Nick quickly turned his attention back to his friend and walked her over to Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome. “Kevin,” he tapped the older man’s shoulder impatiently, “There’s someone I want you to meet.”

Kevin finally stopped giving someone orders on the microphones and turned to the boy.

“What, Nick? Shouldn’t you be dressed by….well, hello there!” Kevin quickly changed from the boss to the charming man. Too charming. Made Ciara sick. He reached out his hand to Ciara, “I’m Kevin. Who are you?”

“Ciara, and this is Lindsey.” She ripped her hand out of Kevin’s hand and pushed her friend forward. Her friend who suddenly had lost the capacity to speak.

“Hello, Lindsey. Are you a friend of Nick’s?”

“No, Ciara is, I’m just, uh…just…”

Jesus. ”She’s my guest to the show today.”

“Ah, well, hope you enjoy it. Nick, you really do need to get changed, man.”

“Okay, okay. Let me take her around to everyone else.”

“Why don’t I do that? You get dressed.”

Nick looked at Ciara apologetically. Yep, Kev was the boss. Ugh. “It’s okay. I think I can handle this one. Go get dressed and uh…break a leg!”

“Thanks. We’ll just meet here afterwards, okay?”

“GET DRESSED, NICK!”

Without a word, Nick took off to another partitioned area of the backstage. “Sorry, ‘bout that ladies. He needs a good kick in the ass now and again.” Ciara said nothing, hoping her silence would show enough disapproval. What an idiot.

“Ooooh, Kevin. Who have we here? Pretty ladies. Where’d ya’ find ‘em?” God, are all of these guys assholes? “Hi. I’m Ciara. A friend of Nick’s. You are?” Kinda goofy lookin’ guy. And how can he sing with such a raspy voice?

“AJ. A friend of Nick’s? I’m gonna have to pump that kid for more information, man.

Didn’t know he hung out with such beautiful women.”

“AJ, are you ready?”

Looking down at his street clothes, he shrugged. “Nope. Guess it’s that time, huh?”

“Yes. Out. Now. Where’s Brian and Howie?”

“They were over there getting some food last I saw. I’m off ladies. Bye!” Okay, so he was kinda cute, actually. In a dorky sort of way. Ciara and Lindsey exchanged worried glances. Worry for Nick. Worry for the way the day might go from here. Might be interesting. Might not be. At this point, all Ciara wanted to do was see Shamu.

Kevin led the girls to yet another area, talking little. His nerves were beginning to build up and the cocky man they had originally met was giving way to a scared one. It was endearing. “Ah, here they are.”

“Brian, Howie, I want you to meet Ciara and Lindsey. Friends of Nick.” Brian looked up from the relish tray and grinned. Big. Friendly. Dancing eyes. Too sweet.

“Ciara? You DO exist! I thought you were a figment of Nick’s imagination!” Ciara had to chuckle. He must have really missed her. Good. It was mutual. “Yep. I’m here. Flesh and blood. You are?”

“Oh sorry…” he wiped his hands on his pants and reached out to shake hers. “…Brian.

Brian Littrell. Pleasure.”

My goodness. One with manners. “Nice to meet you.” They shook hands and locked eyes.

So blue. So deep. As she introduced Lindsey, Howie approached and the introductions continued. Two with manners. Okay, this was better.

“Well, ladies. It’s almost show time. I need to make sure Nick can tie his shoes. I think Jane can take you to a seat. She was talking about visitors and it looks like you’re it.” His eyes started to nervously dart around, obviously making mental checks assuring everything he could control was, well…controlled.

Ciara had to smile inwardly at the guy. Cocky, frightened, using his fear to overpower the “underlings”. She’d kill him, but Nick would probably respond well to it…if only he didn’t talk so nasty to him. “Thanks, Kev, and uh, can I make one suggestion before you go public here?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Remember that Nick is not an idiot. Young, yes. But he’s not an idiot.” She walked away leaving Kevin in shocked silence and grabbed a still drooling Lindsey along the way. Fortunately, Jane was right around the corner.

As the girls took their seats, Lindsey finally spoke. “What the hell was that?”

“What? “That” was the Backstreet Boys. A bunch of whiney, spoiled little boys it looks like. We’ll some of them anyway. Why?”

“What you said to Kevin…my god, Ci, you don’t even know him.”

“And he doesn’t know Nick, either. He’s been in the group what? A few weeks and he’s already treating Nick like he’s a moron. Pisses me off.”

“Why are you so protective of him?”

Ciara shrugged. She really didn’t know. “He’s like my little brother, I guess. I know how hard he’s worked for this and I also know what many refuse to see.”

“And that is?”

“Let me quote someone, okay? I went to a school show of his when he was in 6th grade.

We’d just met him a few months before and I was talking to his choir director after the program asking stuff about his dream and his talent…if they actually could match up.

She said that Nick had the voice of an angel and the mind of a poet. I’ve never forgotten it. And I’ve always believed it. People see him zone out and think he’s day dreaming.

And he is. Dreams that you nor I could ever imagine.”

“He’s 13 years old, Ciara.”

“Yeah? So?”

“So, you act like you’re in love with him.”

“No, please. I do love him, though. I just decided then and there to see him for who he was and not what he appeared to be on the outside. If he makes it in the business, he’ll never be what he appears. He’ll always be hiding, always be pretending. I’m gonna be one of the few people in his life that knows that truth and never forgets it. I’ll be his refuge if he should need it. And Linds, he’s going to make it, and he’s going to need a refuge.”

“Well, okay then. Whatever. Let’s see what these pretty boys can do.” Ciara just looked blankly at her friend. “You didn’t even listen to me, did you?” No more words were exchanged because the boys finally made their entrance. Okay, so they weren’t polished. So, they weren’t the Osmond’s or the Jackson Five, or, thank God, New Kids…but, yeah. They were pretty good. And they were entertaining and the girls…who forgot the ear plugs?

***

By the end of their small show, Ciara was grouchy. Big time. She wasn’t sure why.

Lindsey’s insensitivity was really getting to her, and frankly, so was the incessant screaming. And most of it had been for Nick. He had been adorable, that’s for sure. As the crowd dispersed, she grabbed Lindsey’s hand again to meet Nick backstage. Maybe she’d calm down once they got out of the crowd and started walking around again.

Ciara plowed through the horde not sure why she was in such a hurry. She just felt uptight, antsy, out of control a bit. Lindsey was yelping for her to slow down which only caused her to become more impatient. Finally, she was stopped from her frenzy when she bumped right into…nice. Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome.

“Oh shit! Could you possibly look where you’re going? There ARE people below your eye level here.”

“Hey, Ciara. God, I’m sorry. You lookin’ for Nick?”

“Well, I sure as shit wasn’t looking for YOU.”

Kevin pulled back, shocked at this girl’s attitude. What the hell? He looked to Lindsey who frankly had the same confused expression on her face.

“No, I suppose you weren’t. Why don’t you wait here? He’s still changing. I’ll tell him you’re here.”

“Tell him I’m thirsty and to hurry the hell up.”

Lindsey offered an apologetic glance, but it went unnoticed. Kevin had already walked the other way with no intention of being Nick’s secretary to such a complete bitch.

“Come on, Ci…let’s go over here and wait.”

“Fine. What’s taking him so long anyway? I need to get out of here.”

“I don’t know, Ci…just…here he is!” It’s about damned time.

“Hey, sorry I took so long. Lou had to give me a time to be back here and stuff. You ready?”

Ciara shot the overly happy little boy a glare. “Yes, I’m ready. Been ready for awhile now.

I’m thirsty.”

Nick, too pulled back, never seeing Ciara act this way before. She had an odd look in her eye; one he definitely did not like. And her cheeks…they were so red. What was wrong with her?

“Okay, well, let’s get something to drink and we’ll head over to the walrus show, okay?”

“Whatever. Just get me out of here. My GOD could those girls have screamed any louder?”

Finally, realization hit Lindsey. She’d seen this before at school. And it was never fun.

“Ciara….”

She was already storming off on her own leaving Nick and Lindsey behind.

“Ciara! Wait up!” Turning to Lindsey, “What’s going on?”

“It’s not you, kiddo. Let me get her.” Running to catch up with her friend, she finally pulled her to a stop and forced her to make eye contact. “Stop now, Ci…check your sugar.”

Chapter Ten

Yanking her arm away from the grip that was on it, she yelled back, “NO! I’m fine, dammit. I just need to get OUT of here.”

“You are NOT fine and I will not have you make a scene in the airport like this. Now, we’re going to the lounge and you’re checking your sugar.” Nick had just arrived back from Japan. He was tired. He had been lonely. All he could do was think of being with Ciara again and here she was, being a first class bitch. Not that it was of her own doing, but he definitely did not have the patience at the moment.

“Nick, I’m fine. It’s probably up a little, but I’m not gonna check it here.”

“Then do something to get yourself together. You were a total bitch to AJ and Sarah, and I don’t even want to think about the shit you were giving people when our flight was delayed. Come on…it’s right here.”

Ciara grudgingly followed Nick into the VIP lounge, knowing he was right. She hated this. It was worse than PMS. She could feel herself losing control and absolutely could not stop herself. She slid into the booth across from him and offered a somewhat apologetic glance. The anger in her eyes hadn’t left yet, nor would it until she was a bit more balanced.

“We need two waters please…immediately.”

“Water…sure…fine.” The waiter rolled his eyes at the free order mumbling on his way back to the bar. “Big pop star comes in and all he can summon up is a water.

Immediately. Asshole.”

Nick sat patiently watching Ciara stab her finger with a lancet and squeezing the blood out to a large drop. He held the monitor for her, as her hands were shaking a bit too much and helped her get the blood onto the test strip. Now she was totally embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, Nick…what a great welcome home, huh?”

“It’s okay, Ci. I know you can’t help it, but damn…you get so nasty. And I’m too tired to be real patient. I’m sorry, too.”

The waiter finally returned with the bottled water, practically throwing it on the table.

Nick caught his bottle as it rolled toward the edge of the table. “Well, Jeez. I was going to order something to eat. Forget it now.”

“I can’t eat now anyway, Nick. Can we just grab something on the way home?” Nick stopped short. Home? Whose home? Their home? Did she mean that or was it a slip? He smiled and finally took a deep breath, thankful to be home…which was wherever Ciara was. That much was obvious. “Yeah, we can. How high is it?” He looked down at the monitor, almost afraid of what he’d see.

“Um, 378 and I feel better. God knows how high it was.”

“378!? Ciara…what the hell?”

“Nick, you know this. It just happens. No matter what I do, I cannot keep it under control.”

“Are you getting a cold or something? It goes up then, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, and with stress and because it hasn’t in awhile and likes to keep me guessing.

Sometimes my meds cause it to react differently on any given day. You know the routine.”

“Yeah, I guess I do. I just forgot. Do you need me to open your bottle?”

“If you don’t mind, yeah. I’m dying of thirst.”

Nick cracked the seal, never taking his eyes off of her. She was so nonchalant about it all, and he could never quite understand it. Well, she was until it was time to talk relationships. Then it became her weapon. Or should he say her shield? Yes, her shield.

The shield that kept everyone away from her deepest heart.

The couple sat silently as Ciara downed two bottles of water, finally feeling sated. “Okay, let me check it one more time before we go. I think it’s better. And Nick?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“Thanks for not giving me too much shit. You’re right. I can’t help it. But, I still need a swift kick in the ass when I get that bad.” She picked a new finger and quickly poked it, drawing the blood to the surface with a squeeze.

“No problem. How often has this been happening lately?” He hated this. Totally hated this. She didn’t deserve this life.

“Actually, not too much. I think I ate too much breakfast and then forced myself to eat lunch knowing you’d be late. I did it to myself this time.” She was able to put the drop of blood on the strip herself this time, and stuck the strip into the monitor pushing the start button.

“Well stop it!” Nick chuckled and leaned into the monitor again, hoping the number would be a bit more normal. “159. That’s better anyway.”

“Yep. I’m ready to go home.”

“Um, yeah…” He ran a hand through his hair, not sure how to ask this. “Which home?”

“Well, I figured you’d wanna settle at your place. I’d like to accompany you…at least tonight, if that’s okay?”

“Yeah, that’s what I was hoping you’d say.” He slung his arm over her shoulder, hiking his bag up over the other one. “Just feels funny to have you call it ‘home’ is all.”

“Well, yeah…I guess it is. For tonight anyway, it’s home.”

***

What he wanted to do was strip her clothes off of her right inside the door and make mad passionate love in the foyer. However, he knew from experience that a spell like she’d just had typically left her physically exhausted. The lovemaking would have to wait.

Dammit. Instead, he ordered in, hoping the food wouldn’t set her blood sugar on end again.

Settling out on the deck, they finally got to talk coherently. Nick brought out one of his sweatshirts for her, as it was beginning to get chilly in the evenings by the water.

“Here…thought you might need this.”

“Thanks.” She pulled the warm shirt over her head breathing in his scent that she knew so well. “So, how was Japan? Saw some videos online. It’s totally different over there, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it really is. They are wild like everyone else when you’re offstage and in between songs, but as soon as you open your mouth to talk or sing, they completely shut up. It’s great.”

“Too bad they can’t learn that here.”

“Yeah, no kidding. We work our asses off to get the harmonies right and no one hears it anyway.”

“Awwww…you poor overworked baby.” She leaned in and patted his hand like an old woman consoling her grandchild.

“Oh shut up. We got new games though!”

Ah…there was that little boy. Damn him. “Yeah, I saw that…heard you never left your room.”

“Nope. For once. Missed everything though. What a dork.” He took her hand in his, just enjoying the cool breeze blowing in from the bay. “Wait a minute…how do you know all this stuff?”

“The internet, my dear. How do you think I’ve kept up with you over the years? I even knew of your shenanigans from last year thanks to the internet.”

“Oh nice…don’t believe everything you read.”

“I don’t, dear. I wouldn’t be able to take it.”

“That bad, huh?”

“Yeah, Nick. That bad.”

He decided to leave it there. Sometimes ignorance was bliss…both ways. “Do you have any of that stuff from Japan? I want to see it.”

“Yep, but it’s at my house.”

He looked at her with puppy dog eyes…pouting. Pathetic. “Can we go see?”

“You wanna go back to my place to see probably 10 minutes worth of videos?”

“Yep. We can just stay there over night if you want.”

“Okay, boss…whatever you want.”

***

“Okay, here’s the first one. Was this a radio interview or what?” Nick started watching the video, smiling at the memory. “Yeah, but it was weird.”

“It looks weird…like you’re on display or something.”

“Exactly…” He kept watching it, intrigued as she had been at his change in demeanor as the line of fans moved along in the video. “See, you can tell I’m starting to get annoyed by it all.”

“Yep. You didn’t hide it well, dear.”

“Well, no…I mean, damn. I felt like a fucking lion at the zoo. They passed those people by so fast and they were truly happy to just LOOK at us. You’d have thought we gave out hugs to everyone the way they were freaking out. It bugged the hell out of me. I didn’t like it at all.”

“No, I can’t imagine you did. Hey, you were online with fans before Thanksgiving weren’t you?”

“Yeah, went to the chat on our site. I don’t think I’m going back. They are just…I dunno.

I don’t get it.”

“I heard it got ugly. You can’t let that stuff get to you, Nick.”

“Normally I don’t, but for some reason I just lost it. Maybe it was a combination of things. The Japanese fans gawking at me like a zoo animal and the American fans acting like I have no feelings at all. Like I belong to them. I didn’t agree to that when I signed the dotted line.”

“No, but they did.”

“Huh?”

“Somehow, they think they own you. And it’s not mal-intent. They just…they care about you in a way that they don’t even understand. They don’t know you, but yet they have a love for you.”

“So why do they talk about my dick like it’s their personal property?”

“Cuz they want it to be.” Ciara had to laugh at that. So did Nick. She leaned in for a kiss…the first real one since he’d hopped onto the plane for Japan. Pulling back she looked in his eyes, the ones that belonged to the man. “And they’re out of luck, cuz right now, anyway, it’s mine.”

“I knew it. I’m just a piece of meat to you.” He pulled her onto the desk chair, making her straddle him. “I missed you, Ci…”

“I missed you too, Nick.” She leaned down and captured his lips in hers, giving a little suck on his bottom lip as she ran her hands through his hair. It never ceased to amaze her how soft and silky it was, like touching it for the first time, every time. Just like tasting his lips. So soft, so…so Nick.

They moaned in unison, just enjoying the reunion of their mouths and anxious for the reunion of their bodies and souls. His hands worked from a slow massage of her back, to a more forceful massage of her breasts, tweaking her nipples between his fingers. She ground her hips into his in response, happily feeling his response beneath her.

Not wanting to waste another minute, Ciara pulled away from the kiss and slipped his sweatshirt and then her t-shirt up over her head. He smiled at the sight of her lace bra and erect nipples trying to be free of the fabric. “So beautiful…” He lowered his head to her chest, capturing one nipple gently between his lips, flicking it with his tongue through the bra.

She sucked in air at the sensation he could bring with just his tongue and tried to gather the hem of his shirt as he worked on her other breast and unclasped the front fastener of her bra. Finally succeeding, she slowly brought it up over his head giggling at the goose bumps that followed the cotton as it grazed over his stomach and chest. “Cold?”

“Getting warmer.” He kissed each shoulder as he slid the straps of her bra off over them, letting it fall to the ground as he went to work on her now bare skin. He was so gentle and then suddenly, he’d bite or pull and cause her to gasp at the pleasure and pain combined. She lifted his head kissing his forehead, eyelids, cheeks and nose, ending in a searing kiss to his lips. As their tongues danced, she tried to stand to remove her pants.

It didn’t work.

She had to giggle. “Why is it we always end up laughing when we do this, huh?” She started to unbuckle her jeans, but he stopped her, wanting to do it himself.

“I dunno…I love to hear you laugh, though…anytime.” He deftly undid her pants and slid them over her hips, bringing her panties along as well. Leaning in to kiss her stomach and dip his tongue into her navel, he pulled her closer, between his legs, almost making her kneel between them on the chair.

“Anytime? You sure?”

Mumbling against her flesh, “Yeah, anytime.”

“Mmmmm, okay.” He could hear the flirtation in her voice and knew he was going to be eating his words in just a few moments. She always knew how to twist his words, especially in the heat of passion.

She worked her hands down his shoulders and arms, running her fingers over a tattoo or two causing more goose bumps to appear. Before he knew it, she was unbuckling his pants, having him lift his hips for her to get them down and off. She knelt before him as she pulled them off his feet and eventually was staring straight at…yeah. And she giggled.

“Like now? You like to me laugh now?”

He groaned and brought a finger up to lift her chin. Looking firmly in her eyes, but unable to hide the laughter in his own, he shook his head. “No. No laughing now. I’ll go find a fan to appreciate me.”

“They wouldn’t know what to do with you if they had you, my dear.” And that was her final word as she leaned in and licked the tip of his penis and slowly rolled her tongue around its head. He could no longer speak either, totally taken with the magic she was doing with her lips and tongue. But then…when her mouth totally engulfed his length…he could barely stay planted on the chair. Her tongue slid up and down the vein as her lips and mouth massaged the whole of him. He pushed his hips up into her mouth, not wanting to make her uncomfortable, but totally unable to control his movements.

And she could take it, and she did, occasionally moaning at his excitement and the excitement it was bringing her to please him.

Her hands were busy as well, one forming a ring with her finger and thumb just below her lips on his length and the other slowly massaging his balls. His hands went from a firm grip on the sides of the chair, to running furiously through her curls, to running through his own hair.

“Ci…oh my God!” He lifted his hips one more time, afraid he was going to end this all too soon, but she quickly squeezed at his base, keeping his orgasm at bay…for the time being. He took the opportunity and gently pulled her head up, allowing her to kiss his stomach and chest as she worked her way back to his lips, now swollen with desire.

Their lips met passionately while their hands traveled all over one another’s body.

Finally his fingers found her center and he slowly slid them in between her lips and into her warmth. She pulled back from his kiss, looking deep in his eyes. This was where she got so confused. His eyes. She could block him out until…until she met them. Then, it was over. He was hers and she was his. There was no denying it, whether she wanted it or not.

“Come here, Ci…have a seat.” His fingers mimicked his words, as curled forward inside her, massaging her sensitive spot. Slowly, he removed his fingers and brought them to her lips, that were smiling at the innocent sounding request. She took his fingers in her mouth, tasting herself and straddled his legs again. She took hold of him between her legs and slowly lowered herself onto him as she sucked on his fingers, equaling the motion. His fingers made their way back to her breasts as the lovers moaned at the union, sitting still for a moment, just simply enjoying the initial sensation…the feeling of fulfillment it brought. Sighing, Ciara rested her head on his shoulder and their slow, rhythmic dance began.

His hands guided her hips, while her arms simply wrapped around his neck, almost as a friendly hug. This combination of intimacy and friendship was special to them…it brought them comfort they could never find with anyone else. Peace they had never known. Slowly, Ciara kissed her way up his shoulder, spending some time on his neck nibbling and sucking at the tender skin, following up with his ears. She spun the studs around with her tongue and smiled as he whispered her name in reply.

She pulled back and found his eyes again as their speed increased. And in his eyes she would stay as he continued to move her up and down, bringing her to her intense peak.

As her muscles contracted around him, he too moaned her name as he shuddered and filled her insides with his love. Again, their heads rested on one another’s shoulders as the lovers and friends enjoyed the peace that only such intensity can bring.

***

And morning came. And Nick was there. Afternoon came. And Nick was there. They went out on his boat for a time, just to enjoy some more solitude. But then, it was evening. And reality came.

“Okay, I need to head off to work. You’re going home?”

“Yep…you gonna be okay? You’ve already been up since 9.”

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. We can just sleep tomorrow?”

“Sounds good. Want me to pick you up in the morning?” She stopped putting on her last touch of make-up and looked at his reflection in the mirror. She worked in the pediatric unit. Nick Carter showing up may not be a good idea.

“Um, if you want. I can just wait outside.”

“No, I want to come up to your floor, to see you really working. I miss seeing you with patients.”

“Nick, I work in pedes…they’ll recognize you.”

“So, maybe that’s a good thing. If you don’t want me to, just say so.”

“No, no…okay, if you’re sure it’s alright, then I get off at 7. 8th floor.”

***

Nick had gone out dancing that night. He was beat and didn’t know how in the world she was still on her feet after the day they’d had plus a 12 hour shift. He turned off the ignition of his car and made his way into the hospital. Pulling the bill of his cap lower, he walked directly to the elevators. So far so good.

As the door opened, he was taken aback at the lounge area. Yeah, he knew it was pedes, but…seeing Sesame Street characters painted on the walls, and stuffed animals strewn throughout the area. Damn. Sick kids sucked. It shouldn’t happen. He took a deep breath and found the nurses station.

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I’m looking for Ciara…Ciara Watkins.”

Chapter Eleven

“Watkins…let me see here.” The clerk looked at the monitor through her bifocals, scrunching her eyes to focus. “Ah, here she is. Ciara Watkins. She’s in room 346. Are you friend or family?”

“We’re friends.”

“Then you get a blue badge. Here you go. Fill out your names here and on this form. It’s just for security purposes.”

Nick and Kevin took the badges from the woman and quickly scribbled their names in the appropriate spaces. Looking up nervously at the older man, Nick took a deep breath, smacked his name badge on his chest and let out a huge whoosh of air. “Okay…let’s do this.”

“You’ll be okay, Nick. She’ll be okay.”

The short elevator ride was silent, unless you could count the audible pounding of Nick’s heart as noise. He was fidgety, antsy and just generally feeling skittish. The nursing home was one thing, but hospitals? Ick. He hated them. And when it was to see someone close to your age, well…it was just bad all over.

The Backstreet Boys had been touring schools and malls all over Florida and were getting ready to do the same all over the country. They were home for a short break before the “tour” and Nick popped over to Ciara’s, stunned to find out she’d been in the hospital for a few days. The spell at Sea World was the beginning of a long string of high and low blood sugar incidents surrounding her high school graduation and ensuing beginning to nursing classes. Then, she got sick on top of it, spiking a 104 temperature.

That was all Nick knew. He had no idea what condition she’d be in and he was gearing up for the worst.

He stopped Kevin in the hall before they got to her door. “Hang on…I don’t feel so good.”

“Nick, it’s okay. I know this is a scary place, but she’s gonna be okay. Her mom would have warned you if it was bad.”

Nick leaned up against the wall and ran a hand through his hair, not completely convinced of the words of his friend. Yes, friend. In these short months, Nick had become accustomed to Kevin’s demands and Kevin had lightened up. A little. Nick’s youth would constantly grate on the older man’s nerves, just as the older man’s impatience with it would grate on Nick’s. But, somehow, it worked. That’s why he’d asked Kevin to bring him to the hospital. He was used to the scene and could help Nick deal with his fear, even if it meant being stern with him about it.

“Okay…maybe she’ll be sleeping anyway.”

Kevin chuckled, “Yeah, could be. Come on, kid…she wants to see you.” Nick hesitantly pushed the door open, lightly knocking as he peeked in. “Ci? You awake?”

“Nicky!! Get your skinny butt in here!”

Nick turned back to Kevin, shock written all over his face. Kevin had to chuckle again. “I told you she was okay…now get in there.” He gently pushed Nick into the room and kept a fair distance behind him, not wanting to intrude on the friends.

“Hey…you look…NORMAL!”

“Well, thank you, dear. You look normal too. Come here…I brushed my teeth today…it’s safe.” Nick finally felt comfortable enough to allow a smile to spread across his face, and seeing that, made Ciara feel better than she had in days.

“So, if you look so good, then why are you here?”

“Well, Nick, my stuff is hidden. Remember that lovely incident at Sea World?”

“Uh, yeah…”

“By the way, Kevin…” she looked up at the handsome man, trying to hide her total embarrassment at the way she had treated him, “I owe you an apology. I was a total bitch.”

“None needed. I’m just glad you’re feeling better now. You know what? I’m gonna go take a walk or something, let you two talk. Nick, I’ll be back in half hour or so, okay?”

“Yeah, okay…thanks, Kev.”

They watched Kevin leave and Nick finally leaned down and took Ciara in his skinny arms. “I was so worried about you! Why didn’t you call me?”

“Nick, you’re working…and please don’t take offense, but you’re 13 years old. You don’t need my crap.”

“Okay, okay. But, well…never mind. So, why are you here if you seem to be okay?” She scooted over on her bed and flipped the sheets back. “Here, sit down with me. Um, how do I explain?” Direct usually worked. “Okay, I started to spill ketones.” Nick hiked up on the tall bed, turning to face her completely. She even had street clothes on. This was weird. “Ketones? Sounds like you dropped a piano or something.”

“Key…tones…yeah, I guess so.” She laughed at his wide eyed wonder. Too bad it was over something so damned irritating and frankly, life threatening. “No, ketones are waste products that come from broken down fats. Our bodies can’t take high amounts of these and it gets rid of them through…well…through your pee.”

“Oh…ick.”

“It’s not like passing a stone or anything. You can’t SEE ketones, but you can test for it by testing your urine on a strip.”

“Oh, like those strips we used to use in science class to find acid and stuff?”

“Exactly. So, I had high amounts of them in my pee and that’s called ‘spilling ketones’. If that continues you can go into a coma because the ketones will build up in your blood stream and mess everything up.”

“A coma? God, Ci…so, are you still…spilling…I mean…”

“No, they got my blood sugar under control for now anyway. They’re just keeping me here to try to figure out why it’s so out of control to begin with.”

“Your mom said you had a fever too…is that part of these ketones?”

“No, I had the stupid flu. But I was puking and stuff and that’s also a symptom of ketoacidosis, so that’s what made them rush me in here.”

“Keto-??”

He was trying so hard, and dammit, this was confusing. She smiled reassuringly at him, holding his hands as she talked. “Ketoacidosis. Kinda like poisoning with ketones.”

“Oh. Wow. So, how come you had too many ketones anyway? Your blood sugar caused it?”

“Yep. My insulin was too low, so instead of using glucose to burn fuel, or sugar in a way, it broke down fats and used that.”

“OH! I get it, the broken down fats made too many ketones and so…”

“You’ve got it. The fun came in when I also would dip in my blood sugar. I’d go from say 350 to 24 in no time flat. It was totally backward.”

“What’s normal? Like, what should mine be?”

“Do you want to find out?”

“Yeah, sure…how do you do that?”

“Let me check to get permission. I have to prick your finger…is that okay?” Nick’s eyes bulged but he conceded. “Okay, yeah…if you do it, I can do it.” Ciara called in a nurse, one she knew already from orientation at school, and asked for permission to use the hospital’s monitor to check Nick’s sugar…to show him. It was typically against protocol, but Sandi agreed, with the assurance that if caught they’d keep her out of it. “Do NOT get me in trouble, Ci.”

“I won’t…I won’t.” Ciara hopped off the bed and picked up a machine that looked like a tape duplicator Nick had seen before in studios.

“Okay, this thing is huge compared to what I use at home. They won’t let me test it myself…unless Sandi’s on. Pisses me off.”

“Why not?”

“I have no idea. It’s not like I’ve been doing this for close to ten years or anything.” She opened a drawer in the front of the machine and pulled out a small white piece of plastic.

It just looked like a piece to one of his models or something. “Okay, give me your hand, palm up.”

Nick reached out his hand and she took hold of it looking up to his eyes one more time to make sure he was ready for it. “Which finger do you want me to poke?”

“Um, I don’t care, just tell me first.”

“Okay, I’ll do your middle finger here. This has a little razor on the end. It’ll feel like a shot and then a pain might dart up your arm. Then it’ll be over, okay?” Nick grimaced and sucked in his breath, holding it in. Closing his eyes, he chirped out a reply. “Ready.”

“One…two…THREE!” She quickly poked him and he sucked in the last bit of breath he could get, slowly opening his eyes when he realized it wasn’t all that bad.

“Oh…that’s it?”

“Yep, that’s it. Okay, now squeeze your finger to make the blood pool up there. You need a good drop.”

As Nick worked on his finger, he had to ask, “You do this everyday?”

“Yeah, a few times actually. Especially now that I’ve been so out of whack.”

“Yuck. Don’t your fingers get sore?”

“They’ve built up calluses and sometimes I use my earlobe or even a toe.” Looking at his progress, she gingerly took his hand in hers again. “Okay, that’s good, now real carefully, put the drop on the center of this dot on the strip here.” He did as asked and she stuck the strip in the machine. “Now we wait a few seconds and we’ll see what your blood sugar level is.”

“And mine is normal?” He looked down at his finger, seeing it still bleeding. “Uh, Ci…”

“Eh, just suck on it. It’ll quit. And, let’s hope it’s normal. I don’t think I could deal with you as a roomie.” She winked at her young friend and leaned forward to read the number on the machine.

“90. Perfect. Dead on center.”

“So, what’s high and what’s low?”

“Normal is between 70 and 110. Anything regularly over 126 is considered diabetic.”

“And yours?”

“All over the place. Last check today I was at 132, which is decent for me.” Nick picked up the machine and returned it to the window sill. “You use one of these everyday?”

“Well, I use a monitor, but mine’s more the size of a Game Boy. I keep it in my purse usually.”

Nick nodded in understanding, still sucking on his now sore finger. “So, how much longer will you be here?”

“Hopefully until tomorrow. There is no sense in me being here anymore. I don’t know why they’ve kept me this long.”

“We leave tomorrow.”

“For?”

“All over the place.” He smiled at his mimicked words and sat back down on the bed.

“We’re traveling everywhere trying to get our faces out there; our names known.”

“You excited?”

“Yeah, I really am. We’re getting better and better with every show and Kevin doesn’t scare me so much anymore.”

“I don’t, huh? Well, I’d better do something to change that then!” Kevin walked in with none other than Lindsey on his arm. “Hey, girl…I hear you’re breakin’ out tomorrow.”

***

“So, what the heck is goin’ on between you and Kevin?”

Lindsey smiled coyly. “What do you THINK is goin’ on?”

“Well, I obviously have no clear idea, smart ass. I know that since the hospital you talk about him all the time and every time they’re home you’re with him at least once, and you’re acting goofy. Otherwise, I’m clueless.”

“You’re always clueless…he’s great. We have fun. Thank you for introducing us.”

“No problem. How serious is this?”

Lindsey said nothing. She innocently popped a French fry in her mouth and pretended to eye ball a very interesting stuffed animal on a nearby kiosk. “You ready to go? I wanna hit Limited yet.”

“You’re going to ignore me…nice.”

“What exactly do you want to know, Ci…just because your love life is dead, doesn’t mean I have to fill the gap for you with mine.”

“Love life? So this IS serious…have you slept with him????”

“Is that a problem?” Lindsey got up from the table at the food court and pulled her friend along with her, grabbing the tray along the way. “Come on, Miss Nosey.”

“No, it’s not a PROBLEM, but…I mean, they’re never home, and if things go right, they never will be.”

“Yeah, I know that, but I’m in school and don’t have time for a 24/7 relationship anyway.

For now it works.”

“God…you’re nuts.”

“At least I’m willing to open up to someone. More than I can say for you.” Ciara stopped walking, “What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?”

“You have to ask? Come on…people are gonna walk into us here…keep moving.”

“Yes, I have to ask. My God, Pat and I split only months ago. I’m not ready to open up yet.”

“And the way you’re acting, you never will.”

“We tried, Linds. We did. But, he just couldn’t walk away from that girl. She was carrying his kid…even though it was one time, one night. He couldn’t leave her. I had to let him go, but…he was my life.”

“At 18, no guy should be your life, Ci. It’s like he took your heart right along with him.”

“He did.”

“So, now…now you offer it to no one?”

“I don’t know, Linds. I have my health and school to worry about now. I can’t see very well half the time. They’re thinking surgery. There’s other stuff I’m not ready to talk about yet and all I wanna do is be a nurse. I can’t mess with men right now. I can’t give myself away.”

“Don’t you see you have so much to offer someone, Ci?”

“Don’t you see that I don’t?”

Chapter Twelve

“What is it he’s gonna want that you can’t offer? It’s so obvious he just wants YOU.”

“Well, kids for one. He has no idea about all of that. OH! This sweater is cute!” Ciara pulled a pale blue sweater from the rack holding it up to her body and looking down to see if it was too long. “You like?”

“On you, yeah…not my style. So, do you really think he’s ready to get married?”

“No, I really don’t. Dee, we’ve not even told each other we love each other. It’s understood, but…neither of us say it.”

“Are you exclusive?” Deanna pulled a yellow tank off the rack and held it up for inspection.

“I am. I don’t know about him.” Looking up to her friend, “God, are you serious? That is AWFUL!”

“Thanks, bitch.” She grudgingly put it back. “Don’t you think that’s something you ought to know?”

“I assume so…I mean, let’s put it this way, if he’s seeing someone else, she’s getting the short end of the stick because he’s always with me and calling me and checking in with me.”

“Then he’s yours…all yours.”

“Yeah, most likely. I’m just scared, as usual.” Ciara pulled a purple shirt-shaped fuzz ball off the rack. “My God…do people actually wear this in public? No wonder it’s on the sale rack.”

“Might be cute for clubbing or something. Let me see it.” Deanna took the top and held it up, checking the price tag. “And girl, I get fear. Your romantic history isn’t stellar, but hon…you always keep the shit and toss the gems. And THIS is shit. Toss it. Ick.” She quickly put the fuzz ball on the rack, turning her nose up one more time.

“Tell me ONE gem I had. Just one.”

“Pat.”

“You never knew him.” Ciara eye-balled the door. “Out. This place sucks.”

“Yep. I’m following.” Deanna put one last possibility back on the rack, quickening her pace to catch up with Ciara. “And you’re right, Ci. I never met Pat, but I know what he meant to you and I know how you’ve made a total mess out of your love life since his marriage. You always assumed it was going to be you.”

“Yeah, that I did, but HE made the mistake that kept us apart.”

“Who told him to walk to begin with…what led him to that girl’s arms?”

“Me. I did.”

“And you’ve briefly dated lots of really nice guys, but you just…Ciara, you know I love you, but…you just BITCH them right out of your life. It doesn’t seem like Nick will put up with that shit from you or you’d have probably done the same to him by now. Your history is helping here, but…aw, hell. I don’t know what I’m sayin’, Ci.”

“I think I’m hearing you fine. And you’re right. I’ve lost lots of good ones along the way because I got scared. And just between you and me…”

“Yeah?”

“I do NOT want to lose Nick, Deanna. I’ve never felt this way before. Including Pat. I mean, I was 18 when we split anyway. I’d hope that by age 26 I’d have some deeper feelings for someone.”

“Then you’ve gotta quit keeping shit from him. I don’t mean talking marriage, but he has to know what all you’ve got going on with your health. It’s part of being with you. I have had to learn about it and accept it. It’s about time you give him the same respect.”

“He’s walked through enough of it with me.”

“Then you know he’ll deal.”

“No, I don’t know that. The only men I’ve told stuck around and were ultimately screwing me anyway.”

“Because, Ci, they were assholes totally separate from you. YOU had nothing to do with it other than you allowed it.”

“Yeah, thanks for reminding me what an idiot I’ve been.”

“Ci…you know that’s not what I mean.”

“It should be. I suck at men.”

“You just suck, Ciara. Now stop whining and buy me a pretzel. I didn’t bring any cash.”

***

“DAMMIT! UGH! NICK!” Ciara tried the jar of peppers one more time before she finally walked away from it smacking her hand on the counter in frustration. “Nick! Where are you?”

“I’m here, I’m here.” He jogged down the stairs looking too damned good for a Saturday afternoon. “What’s up?”

“I can’t get this stupid lid open. My hands…they’re…” She plopped herself on a bar stool sinking her face into her hands. “I’m sick of this shit.” Nick effortlessly opened the lid sliding both over to her. “What’s up with your hands?”

“They hurt like hell, I have no strength in them and…and I’m getting impatient with it.”

“What’s causing that again? I thought you’d taken care of it a few years ago.”

“I thought so too, and it’s not as bad as it used to be, but…Nick, I’m even having problems putting IV’s in patients at work.”

“Oh, that can’t be good. Are you able to get someone else to help?”

“Most of the time, yeah. But, it’s part of my job. They’re not gonna let me keep that up I don’t think.”

“What helps?”

“Rest. Drugs. I could just cut ‘em off….”

“Cute. Well, uh…I think I might have a cure for them.”

“You’ve got some good drugs?”

“Uh, no. Been there, done that…but rest. Do you have any time off in the next few weeks?”

“Been there, done that? What?” She thought, but she didn’t know for sure. No way…and…well, not now. Seems as though they both had a few confessions to bring to the table. Trying to redirect her panic, she got up and joined Nick in the kitchen to continue making the one dish she could cook.

“Nothing…never mind. Old news. What’s your schedule like in mid December?”

“Normal. I’ve got a few extra days and I always work Christmas, so everyone owes me, why?”

“How would you like to go to the Caribbean with me?”

She stopped chopping the sausage and spun around. “What!? Oh wait…that Lupus thing.

I forgot about that.” Lupus. Yeah, how could she forget, huh? If he only knew. She went back to chopping, hoping to keep her eyes from his.

“Yep. That Lupus thing. I want you to come with me.”

“Oh. Wow. How relaxing will that be anyway? I mean, fans are going just to get near you and Howie, aren’t they?”

Nick heaved a sigh, constantly trying to ignore that small detail of the trip. “Yeah, most likely, but it’s a damned big ship and I know security will be tighter than it was last year.”

“I’d hope so. So, uh…you realize people will see us together? I mean, are you ready for that?”

“The question is, are YOU ready for it, Ci? You’ll instantly be my whore in some of their minds.”

“Well, I’ve been that anyway, so what difference does their opinion make?”

“What!? Ciara!” Nick grabbed her arm, making her stop her now almost frantic actions and turned her to face him. “Uh, wait. Put the knife down first.” He looked down, smiling meekly at the large knife between them. “Please.” Her eyes followed his. “Oops. Heheh.” She put the knife on the cutting board and turned back to him, never looking back up. Not the eyes. Must stay away from those eyes. “And you heard me, Nick. I’ve been your whore for 3 years. Why not let them talk about it now?”

“Is that truly how you see this? How you see us? Especially now? What the hell, Ci!”

“How do YOU see it, Nick?” She released her arm from his grip and started tossing the sausage in a pan. “For two years I’d see you as often as you were in town and even travel to find you on the road. We’d hook up, talk about our lives, have great sex and go our separate ways. Doesn’t that make me your whore?”

“Jesus, Ci. I NEVER looked at it that way. And besides, what about what we had separate from the sex? What about what we have NOW!? I thought we had something else here. I thought….dammit, would you stop cooking and LOOK at me!?” She stopped stirring and quietly turned the heat off the skillet. Turning around, she finally let her eyes rest in his.

“Ten years, Ciara. Every last one of them matter. Or am I still the naïve little boy, here and missing something?”

Nope he’s not missing a thing. She was doing it again. Pushing him away. Waiting for him to run. Trying to “bitch him away” as Deanna says. But this was different. He was fighting for it, for her and no matter how much it might hurt, at least for now, she couldn’t walk away. Ten years was too much to walk away from and even if they’d have just met that night in the bar a few weeks ago, she couldn’t do it. Like she realized that night, he owned her mind, body and soul.

“Talk to me, Ciara. I can’t read minds, especially that fool head of yours.” She couldn’t help but smile. She didn’t know what the hell she was getting herself into, but…”Kiss me.”

“Oh no. Uh-uh. Answer me first. You’re not gonna get out of it this time, Ci.”

“Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry.” She heaved a tired sigh and took his hands in hers. “I’ll go. We’ll deal with whatever comes from it later.”

“But what you said, Ci…”

“Forget it. I’m scared. Fans scare me. You scare me. Life scares me. Just…just kiss me.” He searched her eyes for answers that, even though he couldn’t define them, were somehow there. How did she do this to him? Without another word, he leaned down and took her face in his hands, touching her lips softly with his. “YOU scare ME, Ciara.”

“While you’re here, uh…” She leaned back to the counter, grabbed a jar of marinara sauce and offered a cheesy grin. “Could you open this too?”

Chapter Thirteen

“There you go. That wasn’t too tight, Ci. You’re a weakling.”

“Thank you, dear. Why don’t you get your smart ass back out there and beat Bri at some basketball?”

“Me? Beat him? Oh yeah…uh-huh. I’m goin’, though. Call us if you need us.” Just as the front door slammed behind Nick, Jane came back in from the back with the 6

year old twins in tow. Covered in mud no less. Or at least Florida’s version of mud. “Oh God…what happened?”

“Twins happened. We’ll uh, be upstairs in the bath. Bob’s out cooking the burgers. You okay in here?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. You sure you don’t need a hand up there? Nothing left here anyway.”

“MOM! I don’t WANT a bath! It’s only 6 o’clock!”

“You should have thought about that before you flung that pail full of mud at your sister, young man. Get upstairs right now.”

“NO!” Aaron ripped himself free from his mother’s grip and ran into the kitchen wrapping his muddy, sand-covered arms around Ciara’s hips.

“Aaron, go get a bath. It’ll just take a few minutes.” Ciara tried to pry the young boys hands off of her and was failing miserably. Between her lack of strength and his strong will, this was not going to work.

“No, only if YOU give me a bath.” He tightened his grip and peeked his blonde head around to gauge his mother’s anger level. How far could he go? Ah…she was smiling.

He’d won.

“Me? You don’t want me doing it. I’m not nice. I scrub layers of skin off little muddy boys.” She finally shimmied her hips around so she was facing him, glad that at age 6 a women’s breasts were no more than a soft place to lay ones head, because that’s just where his ended up.

“No you don’t.” He was still buried in her chest, laughing as he rubbed his face back and forth totally covering her in the grainy mud.

“You keep doing that to me and I will. Okay, squirt. Come on. Bath time.” She bent down and scooped him up, throwing the wirey boy over her shoulder.

“Are you sure, Ci…I can do this.”

“Nah, it’s fine. I’ll take one, you take the other. We’ll get done in time for dinner.” She carried Aaron into the kid’s bathroom while Jane tended to Angel in her own.

“Alright, strip. I’ll get the water ready.”

“Don’t make the water too hot. Mom checks it with her wrist.” Ciara turned from the faucet and smiled at the half naked boy. “Yeah, kiddo, I know. I give baths everyday as part of my job. Not too hot, not too cold.”

“Who do you give baths to? You’re not a mom.”

“No, but I’m working in a hospital learning to be a nurse. Part of my job is to bathe patients, most of ‘em are bigger than you! Now get over here.” She took hold of his hand as he stepped into the tub. “Go ahead and play a minute. Let me get these clothes into the laundry.”

She came back only moments later to a soaking wet bathroom. “Aaron! How in the world? I was gone not even a minute!”

Aaron wordlessly kept playing, lifting some sort of dive bombing jet in the air and splashing it into the tub, spraying water all over the floor and Ciara. “Oops. I got you.”

“Yeah, you did. I think I like bathing 80 year old men better than you!” She giggled as she grabbed the sponge off the ledge and tickled him with it. “Alright, Mr. Carter. Dive bomber has to rest. I need you to squeeze your soap onto this.”

“You can’t do it?”

“Actually, no. My hands are being weird…I’ll hold the sponge.” Aaron looked up at Ciara with loads of questions dancing in his head, but asked nothing. Just like with Nick, she was his Cici…nothing else mattered when she was around.

As she rubbed the suds over his body, which was pretty clean already from his play, he started talking and telling stories non-stop. Nick. Friends. Nick. School. Nick. Nick. Nick.

He idolized his big brother and would not listen to any other theory than the one he’d decided about Nick’s future. He was going to be a star and he was going to marry Ciara.

Seeing as how she agreed with half of it, she went with all of it. It was easier.

“Okay, chatterbox. I think we’re done. We could have built a sandcastle with what was in your hair!”

“That’s cuz I stuck my head in the sand earlier.”

“You stuck your…never mind, Aaron. I don’t wanna know. Okay, get out.” The young boy stepped out of the tub and into Ciara’s awaiting arms, snuggling into the dry towel she wrapped around him. “You should be a mommy. You’re good at it.”

“You think, huh? Maybe someday, buddy.” She squeezed his skinny body one more time and pulled back. “Okay, let’s do the shake…dry off.”

He shook and shimmied his body against the towel, getting somewhat dry anyway.

“Alrighty, I need you to sit on the toilet here. I can’t lift my hands up to dry your hair.”

“Oh. Okay.” The boy did as told, without anymore questions. Somehow he knew not to ask. Somehow he didn’t want to know either.

***

“Let me help you, Ci.”

“Oh, I’ve got it Brian, thanks.” Ciara took the final tray of dishes into the house. The cookout had gone well despite the muddy buddies’ interruption in the preparation. Now it was time to swim, and Ciara couldn’t be more grateful. A little weightlessness on her limbs sounded perfect.

She joined the gang back outside, laughing as Nick jumped up and practically landed on his little brother’s head, dunking him under the water. She stripped off her still-muddy t-shirt, feeling like she had an extra set of eyes on her. As she slipped off her shorts and readjusted the leg band of her bathing suit, she turned her gaze to Brian. Yep. He’d been staring. Turd. She had a boyfriend again. And he was nowhere as kind as Brian either, dammit. Figures.

Ciara acted unfazed and walked over to the steps leading into the water. Instead of her typical dive into the deep end, she slowly made her way down the steps, letting the water relieve her body of the stress and strain it felt almost every day now. Just as she was feeling the full effect of the water on her body, she was suddenly yanked by her feet and was completely submerged.

Trying to fight free from the hand on her ankles, she thrashed in the water and finally opened her eyes. Nick. With horns. She swore she saw horns. Pushing her newly freed feet on the bottom of the pool, she surfaced for air and dove back in to get the little creep.

But he was gone. She swam toward the closest side and spotted her target. Feet dangling off the edge. Like a shark on a prowl, she swam over to them, tried to reach up, figuring her arms wouldn’t go that high like they hadn’t for days, but surprised herself to find her fingers on toes. She quickly grabbed, pulled and swam. Fast.

As she reached the opposite side of the pool, she casually tilted her head up to the surface, slowly opening her eyes to see….Nick. Shit. Who had she pulled…?

“Who’d you THINK you yanked into the water?” His voice was soft and his breath on her neck was intoxicating. As were his arms as they slowly snaked around her from behind.

Brian. Oh dear God.

“Uh, heheh…I thought it was Nick. I’m so sorry…” She turned to face him, pulling away from his close stance. “I, uh…I thought it was Nick.” Never before had she been more thankful for Nick’s cackle than she was now. It broke the trance and put everything back in balance. This was Brian. Nick’s best friend, at least in the group. And she had Dwayne now. Nope. No. No way. Lindsey with Kevin was enough, thank you very much.

“I, uh…you know, I really should be going. Nick, uh…could you help me with something inside, please?”

Nick heard nothing. He was too busy laughing his ass off, falling off the chaise he had fallen ON in his initial state of hilarity. Turning to Brian to hopefully lighten the tension between them, she smiled. “I don’t think he heard me.”

“Let me smack him out of it.” Brian slid out of the water and grabbed a large cup left over from the cookout. As she got out of the pool on the stairs, he looked to Ciara with a devilish grin and mouthed, “Watch.” She silently pulled a towel around her body and sat across the way from the boys putting her finger to her lips as she saw Aaron about to warn his brother.

Aaron giggled and ran over to sit with Ciara to watch, realizing Brian was going to get the last laugh. Brian reached the cup down into the water, filling it with the cold fluid.

He slowly, quietly made his way to Laughing Boy and without warning dumped the entire contents on his blonde head.

“What the?????? BRIAN!!!!!!! I’m gonna KILL……” Brian ran behind Ciara and Aaron and knelt down to their seated level.

“You wouldn’t want to go through them now would you?”

“And Nick, I really do need to go, but I need your help, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh.” He stopped his prowl and leaned over to help her up. “Okay, let’s go inside, then.

But YOU…” he continued, pointing to Brian now sitting beside his pesky little brother,

“…I’ll finish with you when I get back!”

“I’m scared. Real scared.”

Turning his attention to Ciara he opened the patio door for her and let her in first. “You okay?”

“Thanks.” They both hugged themselves as the cool air from inside the house hit their wet skin. “The water felt good…’til someone dunked me!”

“Sorry.”

“Nah, that was fun. Actually, I’m kinda weak feeling today. Can’t use my hands and arms like I normally do.”

“Oh. Do you know what that’s from?”

“No idea and I’m tired of it. I’ll see the doctor in a few weeks and live with it until then.”

“Seems like a long time to put up with it.”

“Yeah, probably. Hey, I need some clothes. Your brother smeared mud and gook all over mine. You’re the closest to my size I think…do you have some sweats and a shirt I can borrow to get home?”

“Oh yeah, sure. Come on up to my room and we’ll find you something.”

Chapter Fourteen

Nick came out of his walk-in closet and tossed the sweats on the bed. “Okay, I think those should do it.”

“I’d think so. My God, Nick, we’re going to have 20 suitcases for a one week trip!”

“Yeah, and 19 of ‘em will be yours. How many damned pairs of shoes did you pack?”

“Trust me. You do NOT want to know. And seriously, we need to condense. They’re not letting anyone take too much luggage, especially on a commuter to Miami.”

“Well, I don’t wanna be rude, but woman, you’re the one who needs to condense. I’ve got a couple pairs of trunks, t-shirts, shorts, sandals and a nice dress outfit for dinner one night. Can’t imagine I can go with less.”

“No, probably not. Well, crap.” Ciara started digging through the piles of clothes Nick had laid out, realizing that yes indeed, he had packed sensibly. Years of touring came in handy apparently. “Okay, well, I’ll pack this up here and head home to reduce my junk.”

“You want me to come help? Far as I’m concerned you just need a bathing suit.”

“Yeah, well…I DO plan on leaving the cabin for more than swimming, Romeo. And THAT requires shoes.”

“Whatever. Come on. Let’s get this done so we can rest tonight.”

***

“Oh my God, Nick! This boat is HUGE!”

“Makes mine look like somethin’ I built with popsicle sticks when I was a kid. Damn.”

“Is everyone here for the foundation?”

“I don’t think so, no. It’s a public cruise, but you could get rooms and stuff from the DLF.” Tipping the chauffeur well, he wrapped his arm over Ciara’s shoulder and walked to the boat, suddenly feeling like a kid the day before Christmas. “All I know is we’ve got a kick ass room and 7 days together on the water. Anything else…I just don’t care.”

“I’m thinkin’ I don’t either. I need this and bad!”

“Yep. Perfect end to one helluva shitty year I’d say.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead before ducking into the ship.

They wordlessly made their way to their suite, following the concierge who led the way.

Once all of their luggage made it to the room, Nick hung the “do not disturb” sign on the door and turned to the beauty standing on his balcony. He still couldn’t believe it was really Ciara. That sweet, funny girl he’d met so many years before. She’d changed so much, yet she was still the same Cici. Longer hair, fuller face because of some of her medicines, more slender body and just…his Cici.

Why did it take him until now to realize how much she had meant to him? Or was he not supposed to know until now? Maybe they weren’t ready for each other before. Probably not. Were they ready for each other now? He knew he surely felt ready…but it took two to make a relationship work. Twenty-one or not, he at least had learned that much in life.

She wasn’t fighting him anymore, but yet…there was still some sort of wall there.

Before joining her outside, he poured them each a glass of champagne that had been left by hospitality. They didn’t have much time before some of his duties began, starting with a Meet and Greet, but for now, they had each other. No fans. No interruptions.

Nothing but the ocean breeze and a beautiful room to enjoy.

“Hey…what’s on your mind?”

She looked away from the blue of the ocean into the blue of his eyes, smiling at the similar hues in each. “Hey. Not a damned thing. I’m kinda likin’ that.” She took the glass of champagne from him and they made a silent toast before taking a sip. “Thank you for inviting me, Nick. This is going to be wonderful. I can feel it.”

“I can’t imagine doing this without you.” He leaned down, capturing her lips with the sweetest kiss, still flavored with the champagne. “Can we go inside?” She smiled and nodded and followed him back to the bedroom portion of their suite.

Their accommodations were truly amazing, although Nick was unfazed by it all. “What time do you have to be at the Meet and Greet?”

“Noonish? My itinerary’s in my bag. We’ve only got a few minutes I think.” And with that realization, he took the champagne glass from her hand and set them both on the nightstand. Reaching up, he took her face in his hands and kissed her. So sweet. So gentle. So loving. He pulled back and sat on the bed, hiking himself back onto the pillows. “Come ‘ere.”

She sat next to him, resting her head on his chest and slowly running her finger over his stomach. And there they sat for the few moments they had alone. Just enjoying the sounds of their breathing, the ocean crashing into the dock, the ticking of the clock in the living area of the suite. Sometimes words were noisy and this was one of those times.

In what felt like seconds later, a loud knock at their door jolted them out of their reverie.

“Oh shit…we fell asleep! Ci! Wake up, hon.” He touched her cheek giggling at the mark a button on his shirt had made on her face. “I’ve got to go. Someone’s at our door.”

“Oh, okay…man. We’re the life of the party, huh? Sleeping already!” She stretched her body out and fluffed her hair, groaning when the knock on the door repeated its call.

“Okay! Okay! On our way!”

She jogged to the door, flinging it open to greet their guest but was surprised to see Howie waiting in the hall. “Howard! Come in here, baby!”

“Ciara! I’m so glad you could come!” He wrapped her in the warmest of hugs, as usual.

Out of the five, THAT boy knew how to hug. Nick was…well, now that totally changed her perspective, but Howie still knew what a hug meant and offered every one from his heart. She sighed in his arms, feeling reunited with a long lost big brother.

“So am I.” Pulling away she turned back to see where Nick was. “You comin’, Nick? It’s time!”

“On my way…hang on.”

“He must be in the bathroom. So, tell me. How have you been? You resting okay after the tour?”

“I don’t rest, but yeah, I’m doing good. How are you feeling?”

“Eh, you know. Every day it’s something. I live.”

“Just live happy, Ci. That’s all any of us should do.” She smiled at his simple wisdom, touching his face. “I think I am finally happy, D. Just don’t let Nick know. I like to keep him guessing.”

“Keep me guessing about what? You keepin’ secrets from me, woman?”

“Always. You boys go meet and creep your fans.” She threw herself backward on the couch, dramatically kicking her legs up in the air before letting them fall to the seat. “I’ll just stay here in our miserable room wishing I was cleaning poop off some patient’s ass like I was scheduled to be doing about now.”

Nick just shook his head. “What am I supposed to do with her, D?”

“Oh, I’m having a feeling you’ll find a few things to keep yourself occupied. Come on.

There’ll be plenty of time for that. We’ll see you later, Ci!”

“Bye guys! Have fun!”

Just as she settled into the couch to finish up her nap, the door whipped open again.

“And you’d better have shoes back on those feet when I get back. You brought enough that I don’t EVER wanna see those toes naked.”

She heard him giggle as the door closed again. “Smart ass.”

***

“I’m so sorry, Nick. I can’t believe I feel so sick already.”

“It’s okay. You’ll get used to it. Did you get sick when you took that cruise a few years ago?”

“No. God. You don’t think it was something at dinner, do you?”

“I dunno. I hope not. Is it just your sto-“

“Aw, shit…move.” Ciara pushed away Nick’s arms and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her before she made it to the toilet.

“Crap.” She’d moved so quick Nick didn’t even think clearly until he heard her losing her dinner. “Cici…” He got up to help her, stopping short at the closed door and grimacing at the noises coming from inside. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door finding her kneeling on the floor, head hanging over the commode.

“Nick, please…”

“Let me get you a cold cloth, Ci. It’s okay.” He yanked a washcloth from the rack near the sink and quickly ran cold water through it. Why a cold cloth on the forehead always felt better when you were sick he didn’t know, but it did. It’s the least he could do.

“I’m embarrassed. Please, Nick.”

“Stop it. Here…” He pulled her hair back as her stomach wretched again. Quietly he knelt down beside her and slowly wiped her brow and neck with the cold cloth. “It’s okay, baby…” He rubbed her back with the other hand, hoping to help her body relax. She finally sat back on her haunches with a sigh, flushed and took the cloth from him.

“Thanks. I just love being sick.” She wiped her whole face with the cloth and slowly stood to get a little water for her mouth. “This is definitely not sea-sickness. Something I ate got to me. I was fine before dinner.”

“Could be. You okay?”

“For now, yeah. I’m sorry, Nick.”

“Would you stop apologizing? Let me turn back the bed and we’ll just stay in and watch TV or something, huh?”

“Yeah, okay. I wanted to go dancing tonight.”

“I know.” He touched her face and smiled weakly. “Tomorrow. Or the next day. We have 5 more nights for that, okay?” Nick tossed the multiple pillows on the floor beside the bed and threw back the comforter. “Come on…get in.”

Without another word, she climbed into bed, curling around a pillow, grateful for a soft place to lay her throbbing head. This sucked. Before long, Nick snuggled in next to her and rubbed her hair hoping she could fall asleep quickly.

Just as he thought he’d succeeded, she bolted back up out of bed. “Dammit!”

“On my way….”

Chapter Fifteen

“Ciara??? Are you okay???”

Lindsey helped herself into Ciara’s apartment like she always had, but was surprised to hear some pretty disgusting noises coming from Ci’s bathroom. As she walked through the apartment, she saw normal signs of someone getting ready for a day of shopping.

Breakfast dishes in the sink, freshly fed cat, jamies on the bed, humidity lingering in the bedroom from a shower. It didn’t add up to someone obviously very sick to their stomach.

“Ci! Honey…are you…”

“Damn. Yeah, I’m fine.” Ciara stood from her submission position to the toilet bowl, flushed and grabbed a quick cup of water. She rechecked her make-up, dabbing her face with a towel and refluffing out her curls. “Let me try brushing again and I’ll be ready to go.”

“What!? Ciara, you were just puking. What’s wrong with you?”

“Oh, this is my new trick.” She started the water, wet her toothbrush and loaded it with toothpaste…again. “I’ve been puking when I brush my teeth.” Before Lindsey could ask another question she popped the brush in her mouth and started brushing.

“You gonna puke again? You know how I am…”

Ciara shook her head ‘no’ as she finished brushing, spitting into the sink. “Nope. Just once. I lose my meds, lose my breakfast and then get to start all over. I’ll just grab a granola bar on the way out.”

“What the hell, Ci? What’s causing this?”

“I have no idea.” Ciara flipped the light off in her bathroom and started digging through drawers to find a t-shirt and jeans to wear. “I see the doc next week. He blew off my weakened hands and arms last time and I’m not gonna let him this time. I can’t even dry my hair anymore.”

“Looks dry to me.”

“Well yeah, wanna know how I did it?” She got down on her knees in front of her bed and lowered herself so her head was level with the top of the mattress. “I put my drier on the sink up here and then get down like this so it’s blowing on my head. I can hold it a bit by letting my elbows rest on the sink.”

“You mean, you can’t even lift your arms high enough to dry your hair?” She reached out a hand to help Ciara back to her feet.

“Nope. Been like that for months. It’s just been getting worse and worse.”

“Do you think this puking thing is related?”

“I dunno. It’s like I can’t swallow right, so I gag. I need to eat after I brush, but frankly it’s such an ingrained habit, I don’t think about it. So, whatever I have in me, just comes up because my gag reflex is so strong. And I’m not able to swallow well by the end of the day either.”

“My God woman. You’re a medical experiment waiting to happen, I swear.”

“Don’t you know it. I’ll be the poster child for new diseases. Maybe I can make some money off of it anyway. Help pay for some of these damn meds I’m having to take all the time.”

“Well, you feel up to shopping? I mean, we don’t have to go.”

“Nope. I WANT to go. I’m okay. Let me just take my blood pressure pill again and grab something to eat and we’ll go.”

***

More medicine. It was always more medicine. Every damned time. Ciara was grateful she had chosen a field in the medical profession because her insurance was decent, but at this point, it really didn’t matter much. This one was more expensive than anything else she’d ever had to take.

She checked her messages as she undressed from the doctor appointment, grabbing some scrungies to settle in for a night of rented movies and no thinking. Message one was mom…how was the appointment? Groan. Call her later. Message two was Dwayne….how was the appointment? Ugh. Call him later. Message three was Nick.

“Hey, Ci! I’m home for like a day. Have some news. Call me!” No groan. A smile. First genuine one in days. How come a 14 year old boy could make her smile when her mother and boyfriend and best friend couldn’t? Made no sense, but she couldn’t ignore the truth of it. She fixed herself something to drink and dialed his number.

“Carters!”

“BJ! Hey, girl. It’s Ciara. Nicky’s home?”

“Yup. Let me get him. Hang on!”

As Ciara waited, she opened the bag with her new pills in it. Mestinon. Her doctor had called them “power pills”. They would help the weakness hopefully, but the sad fact was that her vomiting, weakness, and difficulty swallowing were all from yet another chronic disorder like diabetes. No cure; only symptomatic treatment. This one had a lesser known name. Myasthenia Gravis. Sounded like a death sentence, only it wasn’t. It was just another thorn in her side.

Just as she sunk down in a kitchen chair one second from tears, a familiar and overly chipper voice snapped her out of her thoughts. “CIARA!” Smile again. Damned kid. “Hey, Nicky! How are you?”

“I’m great! I’ve got some great news and I had to call you. You home?”

“Yeah, uh…you can’t tell me on the phone?”

He was audibly hurt. She always wanted to see him. What was wrong? “Well, yeah, I can, but…”

She heaved a sigh and caved. Could never resist him even over the phone. “I look like crap, Nick…”

“Yeah, like I care. Ci, if it’s a bad time…”

“No, no. I’m sorry, hon. I’ve just had a HORRIBLE day. You know what? I need good news and someone in a good mood. I’ve got some movies here. Why don’t I come pick you up and we’ll grab some junk food and munch out, huh?”

“Food? Movies? I’m there.” He stopped his excitement still hearing an unusual silence on the other end of the phone. “Are you sure this is okay, Ci? I don’t want to be a pain.”

“You’re always a pain and yes. I’ll be there in 15. Just don’t look at me. I’m not changing.”

“Ci…I couldn’t care less. I’ll be here.”

Before Ciara took off, she figured she’d better check in with home and Dwayne. As usual, Dwayne wasn’t in. Out. Party. Again. It was getting old and irritating. Mom, of course, freaked. Ciara spent 10 minutes convincing her she didn’t need to move back home.

Yeah, that’d help her stress level. Hanging up from talking to her mom, she stuck the new bottle of medicine in her cabinet with the others. “Something else to puke up in the morning. Oh goody.”

***

“Alrighty, chips or pretzels; romance or action? What’ll it be?”

“Chips and action. And I have to tell you my news or I’m gonna scream.”

“Oh God, Nick. I’m so sorry. I could have poked around at the grocery a bit longer, huh?”

“Yeah, I mean, how big of a decision is it to grab a bag of snacks?”

“I like to torture you.” She poured the chips into a bowl and turned to the bouncing ball of energy. He hadn’t been still in the half hour they’d been together and she had a hunch he wouldn’t be either. “Okay, Nick. What’s your news?”

“Okay, so we’re in Cleveland. Cleveland of all places. Big deal, right?”

“Riiiiight….”

“Lou didn’t tell us, but there were record execs there…from Jive Records.”

“Not heard of them….so he surprised you?”

“Yeah, and you will hear of Jive someday soon because, CiCi….”

“Nicky???????”

“WE GOT A RECORD DEAL!!!!!!! WE’VE BEEN SIGNED!!!!!!!!” If Nicks’ blue eyes could have danced anymore they’d have jumped plumb out of his head. All Ciara could do was stand there with the bowl of chips in her hand and her mouth hanging open.

“Oh my God, Nick!!! So this is real? No pulling out last minute like Mercury did to you?”

“Nope. Signed, sealed and delivered, baby. I didn’t tell anyone ‘til it was final this time.”

“Oh baby! Come here!” She put down the bowl and wrapped her arms around her young friend, laughing at how stinking tall he was compared to just a few months ago. Every time he came home he looked different and had grown inches taller. “I am so proud of you guys. You deserve it!” She pulled back to look at him…up to him. Amazing.

“Well, I hope they think so. We really want this.”

“I know you do. That is GREAT news, Nick. I’m glad you didn’t tell me over the phone.

That’d have sucked.”

“Yeah…I wanted to see your face.”

“Well, you put the first smile on it in days, kiddo. Can you sit still long enough to watch movies now?”

“Yep. Let’s go. What’s going on with you anyway?”

“You know, let’s not ruin your good news with my junk? Let’s just celebrate, okay?”

“Sure…I’m all for that.”

They settled in for a couple movies and Nick indeed calmed down. Poor kid eventually fell asleep on Ciara’s lap like a puppy dog. As the last movie’s credits rolled, she looked down at the blonde boy, running her finger through his hair. A record deal. Well, at least ONE of their dreams was going to come true.

Chapter Sixteen

Ciara leaned up to grab the remote, careful not to wake the sleeping blonde on her lap. “I thought I was the sicky here, bud.” She turned off the TV and ruffled his hair, stirring him awake.

“Mmmm?” Nick stretched and fluttered his eyes open to the pools of green in hers. “Hey.

Oh God. I’m sorry. I fell asleep, huh?”

“Yep, you did. I kept you up too much last night.”

“How are you feeling?” He sat up stretching the sleep out of his body and leaned in to kiss her.

“Yeah, I feel pretty good. I need to check my sugar though…see what I should do about eating and stuff.”

“You hungry?”

“Yeah, very. Even if not, I need to try to get something in me or I’m gonna be fucked up.” Nick got up and brought her monitor to her, rubbing his head in a sleepy fog. “What time is it?”

“Four I think? Yeah, we should be able to make it down for dinner.”

“You sure you’re up for it?” Nick started sifting through his suitcase for something suitable to wear to dinner. “Casual tonight?”

“Please, and yes, I want to get the hell out of here. I did not board this boat to stay in our suite…especially if all I’m doing in here is sleeping and puking.”

“Not quite what I had in mind for our suite either! How’s the sugar?”

“Low. Which is good…I need to eat and I’m hungry. Works out.” Nick tossed his clothes on the bed and grabbed an apple from the fruit basket that had welcomed them. “2 hours before dinner. Will that do?”

“Perfect.” She took a huge bite out of the fruit and walked over to her shirtless partner.

“I need just one more thing and I think I’ll be back to normal.”

“You’re never normal.”

“This is true. Okay, I’ll be back to my old self….” She wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest, sighing as his arms slid around her. He kissed the top of her head and silently waited for her request.

“I need a bath. A nice, warm, sudsy bath. And I think…,” she mused as her finger toyed with his nipple, “…that I might be too weak to sponge myself down. Think you might be able to help me out?” She ended her appeal with a quick lick to the now erect nipple and a cheesy grin for good measure.

“Mmmmmm…I don’t know…I’m awful weak myself. Who’s gonna sponge me down?”

“I’ll run downstairs and grab a fan.”

He silently glared at her, with just a hint of twinkle in his eye, and lifted her shirt over her head. “Nah. I don’t think that’ll be necessary.”

***

“Ciara! Nick! Nice of you to join the living!” Howie stood from his chair and pulled out a seat for Ciara to sit in.

“Oh shut up, D. You know she was sick.”

“Yeah, uh-huh…that’s why you both have shit-eatin’ grins on your faces. REAL sick.”

“Howie…I was sick. I’m okay now. What kind of shit are you feeding these people anyway, huh?”

“One night I slip something in one dinner. Whoever gets it wins.”

“Nice. I win. What’s my prize?”

“A night alone with Nick and without fans.”

“Gee, How…you’re too generous. Did you throw in 12 hours of vomiting for good measure?”

“Yep…I’m thorough. Seriously, you think it was food poisoning or something?”

“Yeah, probably. I didn’t feel sick, sick and the movement of the boat doesn’t seem to be bothering me now. I think you did it.”

“You caught me.”

“Need to work on your discretion…so, what’s for dinner? I’m a glutton for punishment.”

“How ‘bout you avoid the seafood this time, huh?” Nick was NOT in the mood for another night in the bathroom with her. Not with her head hanging over the toilet anyway.

“Chicken.”

“Sounds good.”

“That’s what I was calling you, dork.”

“Good…eat me.”

“Soooooo…what are you two going to do in Cozumel tomorrow?” Howie was lonely enough without these two continually flirting and getting him even more frustrated.

“Aw, Howie…are we embarrassing you?” Ciara loved to torment him; he was so easy.

“Yes, and you can stop anytime now. Seriously…what are you planning off shore?”

“Snorkeling! I haven’t been in too long.”

“You going to be up for that, Ci?”

“Yes, Nick…please. I’m okay. It was just food poisoning, okay?”

“I know, I know…I just…I’ll stop.”

“Thank you. So, I feel like I’ve missed a week here. When do you guys go back on duty?”

“Tomorrow night. We’ll do that celebrity auction and then the “date” is Wednesday after we leave Grand Cayman. Karaoke is the last night.”

“They don’t have it every night?”

“Not with us, no. You can sing any night, but we’ll participate Friday. They’ll make it a game with prizes and stuff. Kinda like ‘Say What Karaoke’ on MTV.”

“That sounds fun. And Nick…you may get your chance with a fan after all.”

“Nice. Been there; done that. I’m taken this week, thank you.”

“Looks like I’ll need to find me a new man for Wednesday….Hmmmm….” Ciara looked up from her salad and started searching the dining hall for a lonely looking man. There had to be one here somewhere!

“You’ll do no such thing. I eat dinner with her, dance one or two songs and I’m all yours again.”

“Aw, I was hoping for some variety!”

“I’ll give you variety.”

“Do you two need to just go back to your room? I’m sure they can deliver dinner there.” Ciara and Nick finally laughed. “Aw, poor Howard. We need to find you some lovin’!”

“Oh, don’t worry ‘bout me. I’ll be juuuuust fine.” And it looked like he was. Without another word, Howie excused himself from the table and made his way over to another to talk to a few ladies. They were obviously there for their own personal reasons. Not fans. Damn, he was good.

“Well, damn. Look at that. No effort. I’m impressed.” Ciara leaned back as the waiter set her dinner down in front of her. Never had chicken looked better. Never had food looked better. Looking up at the man across from her, never had a dinner companion looked better. So the cruise had a false start. It was not going to have a false finish. This was going to be one fantastic week.

***

“You ready yet, Ci?”

“Yep, on my way out.”

Ciara finally came out of the bathroom, day bag in hand looking ready for a day in the sun and water. She had her hair tossed up in a light bun, with a few loose curls hanging down the sides of her face.

“You look too cute for snorkeling.”

“I dare you to keep up with me, though.”

“I intend to. Come on. I can’t wait to get out there.” They quickly made their way off the ship, getting stopped only once by a small group of fans. Ciara took a picture of Nick with the girls and pulled on his arm as they ran to catch up with the snorkeling group.

After a short meeting for instructions, Nick stepped up onto the catamaran and looked back to his lady, smiling at the excitement in her eyes. He leaned over and offered his hand. “Come on. Let’s go see some fishies.”

Chapter Seventeen

Ciara stepped onto the boat with a heavy, tired sigh. “Thanks. I’m feeling like an old woman today.”

“Well you look like one too.” Ciara stuck her tongue out at her young friend as Nick took his hand from hers and turned back to his work on the boat for their day out. This was one of his favorite things to do with her…with anyone really, but he and Ciara had been fishing partners for years. They could be quiet together. They could joke together. And his dad didn’t torment him when he was with her like he did with girls he was meeting in his travels with the group. She was Cici…just Cici.

“Hey! Ciara! You made it!” Brian ran up from the lower level of the boat smile plastered all over his face, as usual. Only change this time was a 7 yr. old blonde boy squirming under his arm. He set Aaron down on the deck and popped him in the behind as the boy scampered into Ciara’s arms.

“Yep. You just don’t turn down fishing trips with these guys. Too much fun.” She gave Aaron a welcoming squeeze. “And where have YOU been hiding?”

“Below deck. You gonna catch a shark today, Cici?”

“I don’t know, buddy. I’m gonna see if I can catch some thing though.” Looking back up to Brian, she stood and offered her arms for a hug. “I didn’t know you’d be here today.

What’s the pleasure?”

He casually hugged her, pulling back to look in her eyes. “Too short of a break. It’s a pain in the butt to head home every time, so Nick invited me over. It’s okay I break into the party isn’t it?”

“Of course. You can help me throw Nick overboard if he gets out of line.”

“No problem. I’m gonna go help Nick here. We’ll talk more later.” She loved this. This family was more of a family than her own sometimes. They only talked to her about her health on her own terms, in her own time...it wasn’t the prime subject of conversation. They asked nothing of her and accepted everything. Her family on the other hand walked on egg shells every time she walked in a room, every time her name came up in conversation, she was sure. Here she was, almost 20 years old, getting virtually straight A’s in college, fully financially independent, and they couldn’t get beyond the fact that she was less than perfect in body. Nice. Made her sick. She’d offer to watch her nephews and would get turned down. “What if you get sick while they’re there? I can’t risk it.” She’d tell them of travels she was taking and listen to an hour of ridicule for not sitting home in front of the TV submitting to the trials her body put her through. Talk of successes at the hospital and it’d only be about her. “At least you’re getting experiences so you’ll understand what’s happening to you.” They didn’t get that she was going to graduate and be the best nurse Florida has ever seen. It was as though she didn’t deserve it. Here, she could be the Cici she wanted to be, the Cici she was. The good, the bad...the healthy, the sick.

“Alright, Ci…you drive today. We’re all geared up.”

“OH! Okay, thanks, Bob…might need some direction here.” She made her way to the front of the boat, tickling Aaron on her way.

Mr. Carter showed her the few extra things she needed to know and they were off.

Everyone on board joined her on the bridge and they watched the colors of the horizon change from sky blue and murky green to deeper blue and deeper blue, almost becoming one color.

As they approached their spot of choice, she slowed the motor and dropped anchor. The activity picked back up as everyone grabbed fishing gear and just as suddenly stopped as lines dipped in the water and they sat back to enjoy the day. No problems were allowed on the Carter boat. No worries. No baggage. You went fishing to forget about it all and Ciara had plenty to leave on shore…as did the boys.

Worries mounted as they worked to honor the contract in which they were signed.

Personalities had begun to clash now and again and the outside activities of some were upsetting to others. Namely Kevin. Seemed Lindsey wasn’t the only woman he fancied and spent time with. It was truly none of their business, but his late hours and exhausted behavior the morning after his partying were getting old and burdensome.

Seems as though everyone on the boat had something to escape.

“Finally, we can sit! How’s stuff goin’ guys?”

Nick tossed Ciara a can of pop and sat down across from her and Brian. They sure made a cute couple. Too bad she was attached to that dorky nurse dude. “Stuff’s goin’ pretty good. I’m just wanting to get to the studio. Gettin’ anxious.”

“Yeah, I can imagine. When do you think that’ll happen?” She tried to pop the top of her can and finally looked helplessly at Brian. “Dammit…do you mind?” He looked at her quizzically. It was a pop top. What was so hard? “Yeah, sure…you okay, Ci?”

“No. But, no worries, remember? Nick’s mom made me promise before I got on the boat this morning.”

He opened the can for her and stole a sip before giving it back. “Eeww!

Ppthpthpthpphtpt! Diet! Gads! How do you drink that swill?” Nick and Ciara cackled at the looks crossing Brian’s face. You’d have thought it was motor oil. She wrapped her arm around his back, thumping as though he was choking on a piece of meat. “Have no choice, dork. And I kinda like it, thank you very much.” She grabbed the can from the drama queen and took a huge swig, winking at Nick across the boat. “Now, as I said before…when do you think you’ll make it to the studio?”

“Lou now says late spring, early summer. We’ve got a few songs we’re working on, but I don’t know what we’re waiting on.”

Brian got up to get his own can of pop, sugar-filled, thank you and plopped back down next to Ciara. “We’ll get there soon enough, Nicky. You’re too impatient.”

“I know…just seems like we do the same junk every stinkin’ day. I’m bored.”

“You were born bored, Nick. It’s a miracle you can sit out here and fish all day.” Nick nodded in agreement and he threw back his own can of pop, letting off a huge belch of appreciation at the person who created such refreshment. Ciara echoed the sentiment with a belch of her own and Brian jumped back. “Woah! Jeez woman! Didn’t yo’ mamma teach you any manners?”

“Yep, and in Japan that’s mannerly. Compliments to the chef. Brrraaappp!” Brian couldn’t help but laugh and chime in with his own chorus of burps.

The three friends cackled at their noise and were abruptly interrupted by a yelp from the front. “You guys are gonna scare away the fish. That’s just gross.”

“Oh, like you screamin’ at us is helping, Dad…I learn from the best!” Nick offered a cheesy grin and turned back to check his line. They were really here for fishing, right?

Brian and Ciara followed suit and Ciara jumped as she saw her line being pulled toward the water.

“Aw, jeez…I’ve got something. I need to wake up.” She picked her pole up from its resting place and tugged to judge the size of her catch. It was a fighter, that was for sure.

“Dad! Dad! Ci’s got one!” Aaron was jumping up and down as though he’d never seen anyone catch a fish before.

She continued to work on bringing in the line but was having difficulty. With the way this critter was fighting and her continued weakness in her hands and arms, she wasn’t getting anywhere. Brian saw her troubles and came to her aid, standing behind her and adding his strength to the fight.

“Man, Ci…you got somethin’ here!” They worked for a few moments, with Nick and Aaron standing by, giving directions on how to best haul it in. Finally the fish’s identity was shown. A swordfish. Okay, so it was a baby swordfish. But he was pissed and strong and making the reeling of it in a two man job.

After a few more moments of sweaty work, they finally hauled the fish in, and Nick took her pole to remove it from the line. “My God, Ci…what’d you bait that thing with? Ten pound of caffeine??”

“Hell, I don’t know…whatever your dad gave me. My God. And after all that, we’ve gotta throw him back, don’t we?”

“Yep. Let’s get a picture first. Mom likes to see what we’ve come up with.” Nick disappeared below deck as Brian and Ci sat on the floor exhausted at the energy they’d just exerted getting the fish out of the water. That and the energy they exerted at ignoring how much they had enjoyed the physical contact it all had required. Without a word, Brian leaned in and softly brushed her lips with his.

For but a moment, she gave in. He was such a nice young man, great looking and…NO!

She pulled back quickly and shook her head. “Brian, no…we can’t do this.”

“Why not?” She got up and moved away from him lest she cave in. Those damned blue eyes of his…blue eyes were deadly, she was convinced. “Ciara?”

“Brian. No. Look at Linds and Kevin. I HAVE a boyfriend. No. I can’t do this to Nick either.”

“What the hell does Nick have to do with this and do NOT put me in the same box as Kevin. He may be my cousin, but believe me…the similarity ends there. As for Dwayne, well…” He lowered his head. “I have nothing to say. You’ve got me there.”

“I know you’re not Kevin and it has nothing to do with Nick and Dwayne’s an ass. But he’s MY ass and…and…” She sighed looking down. “I just can’t do this Brian. Believe me, I’d like to…but I can’t. Please, let’s not ruin a great friendship over a kiss.” He looked in her green eyes, pleading for understanding. “Okay. I’ll respect it. But, Ci?”

“Yeah, Bri?”

“I’m here…whenever, okay?”

She had to smile. What a damned dollbaby. Idiot. Why did he have to be so nice? “Yeah, I’ll, uh…thanks, Bri.”

“Okay, guys. Get off your butts and pick up that fish. Time for a picture!”

***

“I’ll get him, Nick. You get those wet clothes in the laundry for your mom.” Ciara carefully lifted a sleeping Aaron off the couch and carried him upstairs to the deck of the boat.

“You caught a big fish, Ci.” The young boy’s blonde hair tickled her neck as he turned his head to get more comfortable.

“Yeah, buddy. I did. Go back to sleep.” She smiled up at Brian as he held onto her arm helping her off the boat onto the small pier bordering their slip. “The kid’s beat.”

“Yep, so am I…and we’ve gotta meet up back in Orlando tomorrow. Early.”

“You sleep good away from home?”

“I do okay. My problem here is Nick never seems to get tired. Keeps me up late playing video games and stuff.”

“Well, look at him…” They both turned back to the lanky teen, trudging up the hill to the house with a load of wet clothes in his arms. “I think you might get yourself a break tonight.”

“Here’s hoping. You got him okay? I can take him in.”

“No…Cici’s got me.” Aaron squeezed his arms around her neck and snuggled in closer.

“I think we’re okay, thanks. I’ll just tuck him in bed and be on my way.” They finally reached the house and Ciara took the sleeping lump to his room, tossing his sand covered sandals on the floor. “I gotta brush my teeth. I got chips stuck in ‘em.”

“Aaron…I think it’ll be okay for one night. You’re too tired to mess with it now.” She pulled back the comforter and laid him in bed, kissing his forehead and brushing his long hair from his face. “You sleep now, big guy. I’ll come see you in a few days.” He was gone. He snuggled into his pillows, into dreams of his own swordfish catch.

As Ciara left the boys’ room, she was startled to see two other “boys” watching her.

“Active little guys crash big, don’t they?”

“Yeah, when he goes, he goes. Brian says you’re takin’ off?”

“Yeah, Nick. I’m beat too. I’ve got class tomorrow and work tomorrow night. I’d better head out.”

Brian said his goodbye’s in the hall, wanting to let Nick and Ciara have a few moments alone today. Besides, he was still a little stung at her rejection, though not to the degree that it would be a permanent mark on their friendship. She was right. One misguided kiss should not ruin something like that.

“Thanks for coming today. I like being normal when I come home.”

“Well, I’m glad to be part of your ‘normal.’ I hope I always am.” He was getting still taller, looking more mature each time she saw him. They’d known each other for 4 years now and normal definitely defined the roles they played in each other’s lives. She wasn’t sick when Nick was around. Or if she was, she didn’t feel it, didn’t care. And Nick? Well, life would only continue to change for him, but hopefully, Ciara would always be the person he could come home to in one fashion or other and remember who he is. Who he wanted to be. Who he could be.

“I’m plannin’ on it…” He pulled her in for a hug, something they did less and less often now that he was getting too old for that stuff. But for now, the moment seemed right.

As she pulled back, she couldn’t help but reach up and touch his face, looking in his eyes.

Damn. They were blue too. Yep, definitely deadly. “Alrighty, Nick. Time for me to go and for you to go be a Backstreet Boy.”

Chapter Eighteen

“Mmmm…I suppose it is time. I’d much rather stand here and look at you. You look beautiful tonight.”

“You don’t look so shabby yourself. You ought to bring in loads of money for the auction, my dear.”

Nick joined her gaze in the mirror, adjusting his tie one more time. “I can’t tell you how much I hate this. Feel like a dumb old lamp on ebay.”

“Pull your chain and it turns you on.” She turned him to her and straightened the tie one more time, patting his chest for good measure.

“Whoever ‘wins’ me ain’t touchin’ my chain.”

“Aw, you just lost yourself $1000. Such a shame.”

“Come on…let’s get this show on the road.”

Ciara grabbed her purse and the couple made their way out of their room only to be immediately accosted by a group of fans. Nick looked up, trying to find his security who curiously didn’t seem to be present. He leaned down to Ciara’s ear, “Go back inside…this is nuts.” Talking to the fans, he smiled graciously and backed into his room. “Sorry…no time now…I’ll see you at dinner!”

He shut the door behind him and yanked his cell out of his jacket pocket. Waiting for an answer he glared at nothing in particular. “Eddie…where in the hell are you?”

“Sorry…got distracted. I’m on my way.”

“Good plan. Knock so I’ll know you’re there. The hall is packed with fans.” Nick hung up the cell and angrily shoved it back into his jacket. Looking over at Ciara, he chuckled at the pretzel she was making herself…trying to reach an itch or something.

“Ci…what are you doing?”

“Well, I have a problem. This dress is so tight on my back and chest that…”

“Yeah, I noticed that!” He wiggled his eyebrows and made his way over to her. “What are you doing?”

“Well, it occurred to me…I’m not going to be able to get my shot in me. I didn’t take it before I got dressed since it might still be a bit before we eat.”

“Oh, damn. What are you going to do?”

“Well, my dear. I believe it’s now what are you going to do.”

“Huh?”

“You get to give me my shot.”

“Oh no…uh-huh…I’ll do anything but that. There is no way.”

“Nick. I need to eat and I need my insulin before I do it. I rotate my shots each meal and it’s gotta go in my arm this time. I can’t get to the right spot with this stupid dress.”

“Ci…I can-“ Eddie’s frantic knock on the door interrupted their discussion. “Shit. We gotta go, Ci. Isn’t there a nurse or something on board that can do this?” She got up and they met Eddie outside, this time with much less confusion and chaos.

The trio wordlessly made their way to the dining room while Ciara tried to figure out how to get Nick out of this mess. Frankly, she wasn’t sure she wanted him out of it. If he was going to be ‘okay’ with her health like she needed him to be, what better way for him to start dealing with its realities than by giving her her shot…just this once.

Nick held her chair for her as she tried to avoid the eyes from the guests in the dining room watching her every move. Tonight there would be more fans than before. There were so many dining halls giving so many options to eat, but all the fans wanted to be present for the auction, so they were all here tonight. Naturally.

Taking his seat across the table, he took her hand in his. “Ci, what are you going to do?”

“No, it’s still your question, Nick. What are YOU going to do? I need someone to give it to me and I truly don’t trust anyone else. We can sneak into the kitchen I’m sure. I don’t expect you to do it out in public.”

“I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t do it, Ci.” He slid his hand out of hers and pulled the cloth napkin from his place setting, laying it on his lap. This conversation was over.

“You won’t hurt me and yes, you can. I’ll walk you through it.” No it wasn’t.

“You’re not giving in on this, are you?” Why did he try to argue with her? She always won, dammit.

“No. I really don’t have many other alternatives. Nick, please. Twenty seconds of your life.”

He sighed in resignation. “When do you need to do it?”

“Anytime now…looks like they’re serving salad over there already.”

“Okay, let’s go back to the kitchen then and get this over with. I can’t believe…” They got back up from the table and made their way to the kitchen. Nick explained the situation to the waiter by the door and they were allowed in. Ciara pulled out her bag and filled the syringe with insulin. Nick wiped his hands on his pants like a skittish kid before a piano recital.

“Okay, now you’ve seen me do this a million times. You know where it goes.”

“Yeah, but what if I go in wrong or something. Won’t you bruise?”

“I bruise at the drop of a hat anyway, and yeah, I might. It’s no biggie. Won’t keep the meds from getting in me.”

“Godddddddd…..do I stab quick or slow?”

“Quick. Just take some of the fat of my arm in your hand there…that’ll help. Pretend you’re just stabbing an orange or something.”

“An orange, yeah right. This is YOU!”

“Nick…just do it, baby. I’m okay.”

Nick took a deep breath and closed his eyes, taking her arm in his left hand. He held the syringe in his right and looked at it and the needle one last time. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

“You’re fine…just relax. On the count of three…oh!”

“What?”

“Do NOT close your eyes! I need it in my arm, not my shoulder.”

“Ha. Ha. Eyes open…count before I chicken out.”

“One…two…open your eyes, dammit…THREE!”

Nick stabbed the needle into her arm and looked at her afraid she’d pass out or something. Or maybe it was he who was afraid to be passing out.

“You’re in Nick, now just push the plunger in kinda slow, but not too slow…” He started to push the medicine in her arm. “Yeah…perfect. Now take it out the same direction you put it in and cover the hole with your finger.”

“Okay.” He did as told and quickly covered the small hole. “Shouldn’t I be using cotton or something? That’s what they do at the doctor’s office.”

“Eh, probably. I’ve never bothered. Figure it’s my germs, yanno?”

“Yeah, but this is me now.”

“I trust your germs, Nick…and you, uh…you can let go now.” He quickly pulled his hand away from her arm, realizing he was holding on a bit too tightly. “OH! Sorry. Jeez. I’m still nervous.”

“You’re fine. Gimme the syringe. I need to put it away. And Nick?”

“Yeah…”

“Thank you. I’m proud of you.” She touched his face and leaned up on her tiptoes to steal a kiss. “Now, let’s go out there and auction you away. I have to go bid on Howie.”

“Oh you wouldn’t…”

***

Nick came back from the stage area to join Ciara with a combination scowl and smile on his face. “You won Howie. You don’t even BID on me and you WIN Howie!?” Ciara buried her face in her hands, obviously embarrassed. “Yeah, I guess I did. I didn’t MEAN to, Nick!”

“Can you even afford that?”

Now, she was a bit incensed. “Of course I can afford it. I’m not an idiot…I don’t bid what I can’t pay.”

“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean…why in the world did you do that, though?”

“Well, I was trying to keep it up there. Looked like interest was waning and he wasn’t getting enough money. So…I tossed in my bid to make it interesting. I didn’t think it’d be the final bid.”

“You’re crazy. So, you’re goin’ on a date with Howie, huh? I’m not sure whether to be jealous or amused.”

“I’m not going, Nick. I’ve already got it all worked out.” He raised his eyebrows in curiosity. “Oh yeah?”

“Yep. See those two ladies over there?” She pointed to what looked like a mother and daughter pair still watching Howie up on stage, both obviously completely entranced by him.

“Yeah…who are they?”

“No idea, but for some reason I get the feeling they blew their last dollar on this cruise to see him. You could see their disappointment when the auction got out of their price range…which was early on. I’m gonna pay up and let them have the night with Mr. Latin Lover.”

A smile spread over Nick from the inside out. She was too cool. “That’s great. You’d better check with him first though.”

“Yeah, I will…and here he comes now.”

Ciara met him halfway across the dining room, leaving Nick at the table signing a few autographs for some brave fans. He signed and smiled and in between, kept an eye on her and how she moved, how she threw her head back and laughed, how she touched Howie’s arm when they talked. As he continued to sign, Howie and Ciara made their way to the two women she had pointed out earlier. After only a few moments, Ciara came back and sat down with Nick smiling across the table, making him crazy.

“Okay, one more and then I gotta go.”

About ten pictures and pieces of paper were thrust in his face hoping to be the final one.

He looked up and saw a small girl peeking out from under the crowd. Bingo. He smiled at the papers and tipped his head toward the small child motioning her to come toward him.

The girl slowly made her way up front holding a CD jacket cover tightly in her hand. As the older girls saw the child, they stepped back covering the air with sighs of delight seeing their idol treat a child with such tenderness.

“Hey…what’s your name?”

“Mackenzie.” She looked at him and then quickly diverted her attention to the design in the carpet.

“Well, hi, Mackenzie. I’m Nick. Can I sign this for you?”

“Yeah…I don’t have a pen though.”

“That’s okay…” He looked up to one of the other girls who quickly thrust a pen in his hand. “Here we go…can you spell your name for me?”

“My mommy just calls me Mac sometimes…that’s M-A-C. It’s easier.” He chuckled and quickly personalized an autograph for her. “There you go, Mac. Can I get something from you?”

“I don’t have anything.”

“I bet you do…could I get a hug?”

Finally a huge smile spread across the child’s face. “Yeah! I have lots of those!” She jumped up and wrapped her arms around Nick’s neck and landed firmly on his lap.

“Woah! I guess you do!” He squeezed her tightly and quickly kissed her cheek, putting her back on the floor. “Thank you, Mac…” looking up to the crowd, “ladies…time for me to go!” He found Ciara in the hoard and followed her with his eyes as she shimmied her way through the fans to his side. “Good night!”

Eddie kept the crowd still to allow Nick and Ciara out. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and kissed the top of her head. “You’re damned cool, you know that?”

“Ah, I learn from the best…can we change clothes and go gambling?”

“Yeah, but you and I have something to talk about first, woman.”

***

“Unzip me, please.” Ciara offered her back to Nick and let out a comfortable breath of air as the zipper slid down her back.

“This dress was beautiful on you.”

“Thanks. I’ll go up a size next time though. Can’t believe I couldn’t even reach around to give myself my shot.”

“I can’t believe I gave it to you…did it bruise?”

She pulled the back of her arm around to look, figuring she’d have felt it already. “Nope.

You done good. Now, what does one wear to lose all of her money gambling?”

“I’m goin’ casual and Ci…” He touched her arm pulling her to him as she tried to sneak away to find something more comfortable to wear for the remainder of the night, “we need to talk before heading back down there.”

She kissed his chest and looked up in his eyes. This was not necessarily going to be a friendly talk, she could tell. Shit. “What’s up?”

“You didn’t answer me earlier and I want an answer…a real one. Why did you do that?”

“Bid on Howie? Are you jealous?”

“No, it has nothing to do with that. Ciara…that is a ton of money you just casually tossed out there. I’m obviously all about giving to charity, but…” Well, now was a good a time as any. Time to spill a bit. “Let me throw a shirt on and I’ll tell you okay?”

Now he was totally confused. He had no idea what her answer could possibly be, but somehow he had a feeling it was going to change a few things. Instead of worrying about it, he found a t-shirt, threw it on and sat on the edge of the bed watching her finish getting ready.

After a few moments, she heaved a sigh and joined him on the bed. “Okay, remember I’ve said you don’t know everything going on with me?”

“Yep. I figured I’d quit asking and let you tell me in your own time.”

“I appreciate that…you have no idea. Now’s the time for me to tell you something.”

“Okay…” He took her hands in his wanting her to know nothing was going to change his heart. Hopefully she’d believe it.

“You know about the diabetes, the myasthenia…all of that…”

“Yeah, I thought the myasthenia was taken care of a long time ago.”

“Well, that’s just it, Nick. All of my problems are chronic. That means there is no treatment. Symptoms can be relieved, they can do things to put them in remission, like we hoped for with the myasthenia treatments, but nothing will make them go away.

They’re all one kind of disorder and there is no getting better with any of them.”

“What kind of disorder is that?”

“Auto-immune. Where your body seems to think it’s its own worst enemy. Diabetes is an auto-immune disorder. Myasthenia is an auto-immune disorder. And Nick…Lupus is an auto-immune disorder.”

“Lup—you mean…YOU?”

“They think so, yeah. It’s not something that’s easily diagnosed, especially with all of my other crap. But yeah, they waffle between Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis. They’ve settled on Lupus.”

Nick paled. His hands let go of hers and he turned looking in his lap. Such a small gesture, but it was enough to make Ciara’s blood run cold. Here he goes. I should just get up and open the door for him.

“So is this why your hands are so weak again? Why you can’t do IV’s and stuff as well?”

“Yep. That and the myasthenia.”

“But…I thought…”

“It was a possible fix, Nick. Not promised. I don’t listen to promises anymore.” Well, that explained some things. She couldn’t trust the medical profession or her body.

Why should she trust another human being?

“Ciara, Howie’s sister died from Lupus. You’ve always told me that your problems aren’t terminal. You won’t die from them necessarily.”

“And I probably won’t. Diabetes itself doesn’t kill you, but it damages organs. Same with myasthenia and Lupus. THEY won’t kill me, but I could end up with breathing problems or something and that might. But Nick, all in all…I’m fine.”

“You’re fine? You’re FINE!? Ciara, you can’t even open a goddamned pickle jar without help. You take 4 shots a day and still have insulin reactions or blood sugar spikes high enough to scare the shit out of me. You get a simple cold and you’re out of commission for weeks at a time. I’m sorry, but that is NOT fine!” He was up on his feet pacing by now. Fine? How in the hell could she even THINK that?

“It’s fine for me, Nick. Compared to a few years ago I’m fine. I do okay. I live day to day.

I can go snorkeling with you and Wednesday we’ll go scuba diving. I’m here with you now. I’m functioning day to day. I go to bed in pain everyday and wake up in pain as well, but for ME, I’m fine. I’m not dying…tomorrow anyway. Maybe another day this week, but not tomorrow.”

“Don’t even try to get cute now, Ci. And since when are you in pain everyday? I never hear you complain.”

“That’s because I didn’t want you to know. Now that you do, I’ll be upping my grumbling mode a notch. Thing is, griping about it doesn’t make it hurt any worse, so I tend to just be quiet about it.”

“Lupus? You…have…” he plopped back down on the edge of the bed and looked helplessly at her, “Lupus?”

“Yes, Nick. Lupus. And believe it or not, that’s not all. But for tonight it is. We’re going to get out there and gamble our money away and then we’re going to come back in here and I’m going to make mad passionate love to you because you made that little girl’s night tonight and…and…”

Nick silenced her with a kiss. Lupus. It sucked, but he didn’t care. She was right. She was here right now. As was he. No one was going anywhere. He just wanted to enjoy every moment he could with her. Just like she did. Day by day, minute by minute.

Pulling back from the kiss, he looked deep into her eyes.

“You know, you could probably make that money back you gave up at auction by offering your body to science. I bet the medical profession would get a kick out of you.”

Chapter Nineteen

Ciara sighed at the reality of the comment. “Yeah, I probably could offer my body to science, Linds. I sure as hell leave them scratching their heads often enough.”

“So, explain this myasthenia gravis to me. I don’t quite get it.” Lindsey got up and helped herself to pop from Ciara’s refrigerator. The girl always had a well stocked frig.

And Ciara tried in layman’s terms to help her friend understand. The bottom line was her body was fighting itself. It’s what caused diabetes and it’s what was causing this. The result of this battle was muscle weakness in her hands, arms and somehow fouled up her swallowing mechanism. They had tried medicines first, but they didn’t work as well as they’d hoped, so a serious surgery was the next step. A thymectomy. Sounded awful and frankly it was. They were going to cut her open, spread her ribs apart and take out her thymus gland. For some reason they had determined that a possible tumor on that gland could be responsible for the flare ups of weakness. Remove the thymus and put the disorder in remission…at least that was the plan. Problem was, as though there weren’t enough of those lying around anyway, that she’d be in ICU for a few days…on a breathing machine. If her breathing was weakened too much from the myasthenia, she may never get off of it. Add her blood sugar issues, naturally weakened kidneys from the diabetes and the follow up drug treatment to the whole plan and you have one huge mess.

Ciara was petrified, but learned early on with her illnesses to keep a brave front for her friends. Reality was bad enough. No sense making it worse.

“So when is this surgery?”

“Two weeks.” Ciara took a swig of her pop and tucked her leg underneath her on the couch. Two long damned weeks.

“Oh…yeah, okay.” Lindsey looked down feeling horribly guilty for where her thoughts were going. The boys had a break then before leaving for Sweden. They finally were going to record something and Kevin promised her time. He had become her everything and she didn’t want to be spending that time in the hospital with her. It was selfish, but true.

“Kevin’s gonna be here then isn’t he?”

“Yeah, Ci…I’ll still come visit you.”

“Whatever, Linds. Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“How often do you actually see him?”

“Whenever they’re home and have a break. Well, almost whenever. Sometimes.

About…once every few months I guess.” God, that sounded awful.

“Uh-huh…about as often as I see Nick. But see Linds, Nick and I aren’t dating. We’re friends. Do you really think he’s not seeing anyone else while he’s off in Orlando or traveling all over the states having girls scream and claw at him?”

“Well, he SAYS he’s not. That’s all I have to go on, Ci.”

“And you know him well enough to believe that?”

“I know what you’re getting at Cici and I’m not listening. You sound like my damned mother. He loves me. He tells me so. And I love him. End of discussion.”

“Okie dokey. End of discussion.” Ciara got up and stretched. There was no sense trying to talk sense to a senseless woman. She’d just be there when the shit hit the fan. Joy.

Although, it wasn’t like she was in a healthy relationship at this point either. Blind leading the blind is all this one was.

Just as her thoughts turned to Dwayne and his less than attentive ways, the doorbell rang. Not expecting anyone, Ciara got up on her tiptoes to look through the peep hole, squealing when she saw it was her own personal nightmare…love…whatever.

“Dwayne! Get in here! I wasn’t expecting you!”

Dwayne stumbled in the house and planted a sloppy kiss on Ciara as he leaned onto the couch inside the door. “Hey…thought I’d stop by.”

She looked in his eyes and knew something was definitely wrong. He wasn’t drunk, but he was not all together either. “Dwayne? What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothin’ baby…I just wanted some lovin’ before I head home.” He leaned in for another kiss, hands all over her.

She squirmed free and looked helplessly at Lindsey who quickly came over to the foyer to see what was going on with him. Instantly she knew. Ecstasy.

“Uh, Dwayne. Come on. I’m heading out. I’ll take you home.” Ciara looked quizzically at her friend only to be silenced with a glare. “I’m not goin’

home. Get your hands off me. Or do you wanna join in our fun?” He leaned in to kiss Lindsey shifting his groping from one woman to the other.

“No, asshole. You’re going home. And I’m taking you. Ciara, I’ll be right back. Let me get him in the car.”

“K…..” Ciara just stared at the man standing, leaning…there. Who the hell was this?

Lindsey somehow successfully got Dwayne to her car and ran back to fill Ciara in.

“What the hell, Linds? What’s he on?”

“Ecstasy, Cici.”

“Ecstasy? Why in the hell haven’t I ever heard of it? I’m a damned nursing student!”

“It’s new…mostly underground. And it’s awful. They think it’s not dangerous, but it is, of course. Let me get him home and I’ll come back, okay?”

“No…just get him home. I’m going…I’m just…” She walked mindlessly back to her bedroom muttering something about sleep, nerves, idiots and drugs. So, he was a nurse already and could take care of her. That’s why she’d held onto him so long isn’t it? He wouldn’t run. Well, this time, she was going to. Run far away. Maybe this time she’d even lock the door so no one else could get in and break her heart…lose her trust…make her hurt worse than her body did day after day after day.

***

“Nick? Is that you?” Ciara’s mom rose from her seat in the waiting room to greet the somewhat familiar boy.

He smiled nervously and wiped his hands on his pants. “Yeah, it’s me, Mrs. Watkins.

How’s she doing?”

“She’s still sleeping, but they think she should wake soon. Do you want to go see her?”

“Is it okay? They told me downstairs only family could go in.”

“You’re family to her. Come on, let me take you back. Her sisters need a break anyway.” Nick ran his hand through his long hair and looked around nervously. “Um, yeah…okay.

If you’re sure it’s okay.”

“Do you WANT to go back, Nick? I can just tell her you came by. That’ll put a smile on her face, I’m sure.”

“No…no…I need to do this. I’m leaving for Europe in a few days and I just…yeah, I need to see her.”

The older woman slid her arm through the boy’s and slowly guided him back through the swinging door into the ICU. “You sure have grown since I saw you last. Ciara tells me all about you, but…you’re becoming quite the young man.”

“Thanks.” Small talk was not something he could quite manage right now. He just wanted to be assured Ciara was going to be okay. They stopped by her door and she motioned for Ciara’s sisters to come out. Two at a time was the rule.

“Do you want to be alone or should I stay?”

“Um…could you just wait outside here? In case…yeah…”

“Sure, sweetie. I’m right out here. Girls, why don’t you go down, find Dad and eat something. We’ve got it covered up here.” Turning back to Nick, she rubbed his arm for assurance. “Just talk to her. She’s just sleeping very deeply. The machine helping her breathe is normal for now and should come off tomorrow.”

“Okay…” One more wipe of his hands on his pants and he tentatively pushed open the door to her room. And then he stopped cold. Machines were everywhere, tubes, wires, beeps, hisses, drips…and in the middle of it all lay Ciara. Her auburn curls pooled around her head like a wreath of fire. He approached the bed slowly, stunned at how little of her he could really see from all of the tubes and wires covering her pretty face.

The biggest one came from her mouth and made the loudest noise. Rhythmic. Like breathing. Every time it hissed, her chest raised and then slowly lowered. An oxygen tube came from her nose and tons of wires fed under the sheets to unknown places.

Nick blinked back a tear and reached his hand up to her forehead, brushing an imaginary hair from her face. “Cici…it’s Nicky.” That was all the brilliance he could come up with for the moment.

Pop. Hisssssss. Drip. Drip. Pop. Hisssssss. Drip. Drip. It was madness. She was supposed to be wrapping her arms around his waist for a jet ski ride…or catching bigger fish than he did…or tormenting him on his shyness with the girls. Not this. His eyes took inventory of the room, looking at all the numbers on the machines like he’d know what the hell they actually meant. He looked up at her heart monitor. Looked like a healthy rhythm from what he’d seen on TV anyway. That had to be good.

He walked around to the opposite side of the bed, turning each of the IV bags around so he could read the names of the medicines being sent to her blood stream. Again, he had no idea what they were, but…well, it gave him something to do. Something other than her pale, swollen face to look at. He couldn’t bear it.

“You’re sure wired up here, Ci…they want you to be healthy.” He touched her cheek again with the back of his fingers amazed at the fear that was over taking him. What if she didn’t come off of this breathing machine? What if this surgery didn’t make her better? What if….

No. Just…no. She’d be fine. They’d go fishing again. She’d meet his first real girlfriend and tell her all of his stupid secrets. Yes. She was going to be fine. With a new resolve, he ignored the machinery and looked her up and down. So still, so teeny in that bed.

Peeking out from the top of the sheet, right in the center of her chest was a bandage stained with a bit of blood. Her incision. God, that’d be a permanent scar right there, wouldn’t it? He could hear her bitching and moaning about that one already and he had to chuckle at the thought. He wondered how far down it went, but seeing she was probably without further covering, he decided against peeking. That’d wake her up!

Finally feeling a bit more comfortable in these surroundings, he pulled a chair closer to the bed and found her hand under the side of the sheets. Taking it in his, he gently rubbed her knuckles and started talking. He didn’t even know what all he was saying, just rambling about the boys, about how excited and petrified he was heading to Europe, about silly things his brother and sisters had done recently and mostly about all the things he still wanted to do with her whenever he was home again.

He didn’t know how long he was there, but somewhere in the midst of his ramblings, he made a decision. No matter where he was, no matter how far away, no matter how sick she got, he was going to be there for her. He didn’t know how he was going to accomplish it. He was only 15 years old for crying out loud, but somehow, someway, he’d stay by her side.

As he made this silent promise to himself…to her, he laid his head on her bed, nuzzled to her shoulder. As much as he had wanted to flee from the room when he first got there, it was going to take an act of God to get him out of there now. He closed his eyes and let the rhythmic sounds of the machinery lull him to a light sleep. Just as his mind began the sweetest of dreams, the bed shifted slightly and woke him.

He lifted his head and was surprised to feel Ciara’s fingers wrapping back around his now…gripping him tightly. He quickly stood, not letting go of her hand and looked to her face for some signs of waking.

“Ci…Cici…come on, hon. It’s time to wake up!”

Chapter Twenty

“Mmmmmmm…no. Donwanna.” Ciara rolled away from the hot breath on her face and pulled the blankets closer. “They make breakfast too damned early on this ship.”

“Yes, they do. Come on, baby…get up.”

“Why?”

“Well, because they’re going to shut down the light breakfast soon and you need to eat.” She heaved a sigh and rolled back around to look at the blond beauty luring her out of her slumber. Bastard. Why’d he have to be so gorgeous in the morning too? It wasn’t right. “Since when are you the voice of reason?”

“Since I heard the noises that damned stomach of yours makes in the morning if it’s not fed. It scares me.” He leaned down and softly kissed her, moaning as her hand reached up and ran through his hair.

“How much time do we have?”

“It closes in an hour.” He wagged his eyebrows at her and pulled her up. “Come on…shower time.”

“Aw, Niiiiiiiiick. I was likin’ that kissing stuff much better.” Without another word, he pulled her out of bed and dragged her into the bathroom giggling as she stumbled along trying to get her feet to remember how to walk. Once in the bathroom, he pulled her in, closed the door behind her and quickly yanked her nightshirt up over her head.

As her face peeked out from under the fabric, he covered her mouth with his, kissing passionately, almost furiously. Now THIS was the way to wake up. Not wanting to waste another moment, she slid her fingers under the waistband of his boxers and slipped them over his hips letting them pool at his feet. He stepped out of them without releasing their kiss and made the same motion of her panties…sliding them off her hips, pulling back long enough to take in her naked body. He loved her body.

As his eyes traveled back up her legs to her hips to her stomach, they landed on her chest…on her scar. She shifted uncomfortably, never at ease about that stinkin’ thing.

“Nick…”

“Yeah?” He reached up with a finger and traced up its length right between her breasts and smiled as he saw goose bumps forming on her abdomen at his touch.

“It’s ugly.”

“It’s beautiful. It’s you, Ci.” He bent down and licked the same path his finger had just taken. He’d never really spent time on this part of her before. He’d kiss her breasts, he’d kiss her chest and stomach, but knowing how uncomfortable she was with the scar, he always skipped it. Today, it was just…it was part of her and he wanted to enjoy all of her.

She couldn’t help but react to his touch again, even if it was there. The area had been numb for a good year, but now it was highly sensitive and his touch, his tongue…it was making her weak. As his hands cupped her breasts, she pulled his head back up for another kiss.

They needed to hurry, but their need for each other was great. He picked her up and carried her to the shower, turning on the water as she ran her hands over his back, ass and arms. He spun back around to her, letting the warm water run down his back as he captured her lips in his again, running his hands all over her body. He wanted inside her so bad…she wanted him there, but they knew from previous attempts that with her height it just did not work. Period. They were going crazy.

Pulling back, she finally gasped. “Okay. Stop. Wash fast…I need you, Nick.”

“Mmmm…God…okay, yeah. Who the hell designed you so short?” He grabbed the shower gel and squirt it on two washcloths handing one to her and began washing her shoulders and arms.

“My mama and papa, big guy. Sorry.” They washed each other, desire building with every move. She switched spots, getting her hair wet under the water and moaning as he captured her breasts in his mouth again. “Oh God…Nick…Come on…up here…wash my hair.”

“Yeah, yeah…okay.” He squirt the shampoo in his hands and rubbed it in her hair working his fingers firmly over her scalp. She moaned at his touch and rested her forehead on his chest as he continued to massage her head.

“You could do that all day, you know?”

“Uh, no, I couldn’t…look down.”

She kept her head on his chest, opened her eyes and smiled. Well, well now…she supposed being relegated to just massaging her scalp would be cruel and unusual punishment for such a, uh…happy boy. “Guess it’s time to wash your hair now, huh?” She brushed a finger along the vein of his penis, grinning when his knees buckled.

“Dammit, Ci…let’s just get out of here…”

“Get on your knees…I can’t reach your head.” She leaned back in the water, rinsing the suds out of her hair, feeling his eyes all over her.

He took her face in his hands as she finished rinsing, looked in her eyes and smirked.

“Oh yeah? Can’t reach?” He took one of her hands and wrapped it around his length.

“It’s lovely, Nick, but not THAT head, smart ass…do you wanna get out of here or not?”

“Kneeling, kneeling…” He lowered himself on his knees and realized the benefits of such a position with such a short woman. Boob high. Oh yeah. He went to work with his mouth and hands as Ciara tried to concentrate getting shampoo in her hands and in his hair. He was not making this easy.

Finally satisfied with the sudsing job on his hair she pulled him up and switched spots so he could rinse off. God, he was beautiful. Now it was her turn to look him up and down, taking in the man who hadn’t walked out of the door the night before like she thought he would.

She ran her hands over his chest, stomach, leaning down to slip her tongue into his navel and finally feeling him pull her head up to look at him. “Done. Out. Now.” She reached behind him and turned off the water, sneaking a kiss to one butt cheek on her way back. He threw the shower door open and grabbed a towel throwing it onto the floor. The couple met up again in a passionate kiss, clumsily making their way to the floor of the bathroom.

He lowered her on her back stopping but for a moment for one more kiss to the scar on her chest. She arched her back to him amazed at how good it felt…how accepted she felt when he did that. No one had touched it before like that. No one. It was an amazing, surprising turn on. He looked up in her eyes again and moaned her name as he slowly entered her. Finally.

Ciara wrapped her legs around his waist pulling him closer, amazed at how wonderful their union felt…like it was the first time, every time. He kept his eyes in hers as he began his steady rhythm, increasing it in no time. She threw her hands over her head and he pinned them there with his as their pace increased, his thrusts getting stronger, deeper, closer.

She called out his name as she came and pulled him in closer as she saw in his eyes his release too was near. She loved to watch him at just that moment…watch his face, feel his body tense, feel his warmth spread through her insides. A groan escaped from the deepest part of him and he collapsed his head in the nape of her neck as he tried to breathe normally again.

After a few moments, the cold, hardness of the floor came back to impair their bliss. “Oh man, Ci…did I hurt you? You okay?”

Running her hand through his hair and groaning as he slid out of her, she smiled. “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m just sorry I’m so damned short.”

“Whatever…I’ll sacrifice. God, you’re amazing.” He looked up at her and kissed her tenderly.

“Ffffooooooooooodddddddddddd!!!!!”

“Oh Jesus…it’s time to eat!”

***

“Can I ask you a question?” Nick and Ciara walked hand in hand along the promenade watching the sun set in the distance. She had been trying to summon up the courage to talk to him about that morning all day, but talking about sex after the fact was just…well, it was weird feeling.

“Yeah, sure.” He stopped along the rail, leaning back against it and pulling her close.

“What’s up?”

“This morning…” She looked down and instantly blushed. So silly. He knew her inside out…literally. Why be embarrassed?

“…was very nice.” He brushed her cheek with the back of his finger enjoying the way the light on the deck was playing with her lightly sun burned skin.

“Yes, it was, but uh…my scar. You’ve never…I mean…what made you…” She looked down again. A professional woman for God’s sake and suddenly she couldn’t complete a basic sentence.

“I don’t know. I just…you telling me about the Lupus last night hit me funny. Brought back memories of seeing you in that hospital after your surgery. I just…”

“See, that’s why I didn’t want to tell you.” She stepped away from between his legs and stood next to him facing the water. “You’re gonna pity me now. That’s why I feel so weird about it…it reminds you of all that’s not right with me.”

“What? Wait a minute, Ci…you’re totally off base here.”

“Can’t imagine I am. I tell you about the Lupus and suddenly you decide to face reality and actually look at that thing. ‘Poor little Cici is so sick…I’ll make her feel better by touching it’.”

“Nice to know you have such a fucking high opinion of me, Ciara. Jesus.” He turned towards the water as well, resting his arms on the railing and standing as close to her as he could…why didn’t she understand?

“Well, what the hell am I supposed to think, Nick?”

“You didn’t seem to be complaining this morning. Where has your head been all day…shit…where has your head been the past few months…the past few years? Haven’t I shown you…”

“Uh…excuse me, Nick?” The young girl had heard their arguing and knew deep within she shouldn’t approach, but this might be her only chance to see him…to talk to him…to maybe get a picture with him.

Nick closed his eyes and silently apologized to Ciara, and turned to the girl. “Yeah, hi.” He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. Why now? Couldn’t she see this was NOT

a good time?

“I’m so sorry to interrupt, but uh…I just, I…” She looked up at him and could tell he was irritated. He was trying to be polite, but it wasn’t working. She’d followed the boys all over the country trying to get a glimpse, a personal moment, a touch…and came up empty handed every time. “You know what? Just forget it. You guys are always too damned busy for your fans, aren’t you? Too tired, in too much of a hurry…’til it’s time for us to buy your shit…then you’re begging for our attention. Thanks a lot, Nick.” The fan stormed off and Nick simply stood there emotionless. Ciara couldn’t believe her ears. How could that little imp be so obnoxious? She reached up and touched his shoulder but he jerked away. “Not now, Ci…seems I can’t make anyone happy. I’m sick of this shit.”

“Oh wait a minute…you are not gonna stick me in the same category as that snotty little teenager. I’m asking you a valid question here. SHE’S…she’s expecting too much. You have a personal life and she was intruding. Pure and simple. You weren’t rude, you just…you didn’t welcome her in. She had no right.”

Nick heaved an exhausted sigh. Ciara was right. The fan…that was just…an interruption.

What mattered was Ciara. That WAS pure and simple. “Okay, fine…forget her. Back to what we were talking about, what did I do that was so wrong this morning?”

“It wasn’t wrong…I’ve just been thinking about it all damned day. Why now? Why this morning? Why….”

“I want you to know that I accept all of you. You made it clear years ago no one was to even mention that thing to you, so when we…when I got…you know…” Now he was the one embarrassed. Craziness. “I just avoided it because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. But last night when you told me about the Lupus and then this morning when I saw you standing there in front of me…I saw all of you and…Ciara…” He took her face in his hands. “You’re beautiful. All of you. Scars, aches, pains, shots, puffy face, funked out moods…all of it. I was tired of skipping a part of you.” She smiled shyly and slid into his arms. “It did feel incredible. No one’s ever done that before. No one’s ever…” She stopped short and just sighed. No one’s loved her before and she knew that’s what it was. But there was no way she was going to say that.

Because as much as she wanted to trust him, she couldn’t. And it wasn’t Nick necessarily that she distrusted as much as the human spirit. Hers. His. But for now…for now she’d just enjoy the attention he gave and hopefully give him some unconditional loving in return. After seeing that fan, she realized how desperately he needed it.

He pulled her back amazed at her final words. “No one?”

“No one. My parents won’t look at it…even when I was in the hospital and I wanted them to check the healing. Never. No man has…it’s like it’s poison or something.”

“But it’s YOU. How can they ignore YOU?”

“Maybe I encourage it…I dunno.”

He slung his arm over her shoulder and sighed. “Yeah, you’ve been known to do that…but I’m glad you let me in a little more.”

“Me too.”

“Come on, let’s walk…looks like we’re getting a storm.” They walked arm in arm for a long time saying nothing, watching the clouds form and breathing easier when they realized the boat was turning away from them. They found a quiet spot on another level and he pulled her in to stand between his legs again as he leaned back against the railing. He loved talking to her like this. She just…she just fit.

“Can I tell you something about that scar?”

“Sure.” His hair blew softly in the breeze and for a moment she felt like she was in a dream. Minus that little incident moments before with the fan, there really had been no pressure on board. His face looked younger again, he was more relaxed than when she first saw him months ago. His eyes shone brighter than she’d seen them shine in quite some time. Time was being kind to him.

He looked down, suddenly embarrassed at the confession he was about to make. “Well, truth is…I’ve wanted to look at it, to touch it since I saw you in the hospital.”

“Oh yeah? Why didn’t you ask? I’d have shown you.”

“Well, first time, you were a little, uh…you were out of it and I figured not quite dressed.

I was 15, Ci…I wasn’t gonna go peekin’ under the sheets.” She chuckled as the little boy crept into their conversation. “Well, no, I suppose not. But after…you were there after I woke up. You could have asked.”

“No, I couldn’t. I mean, it’s not like it was on your arm and…I was too embarrassed and you were a bit of a grouch if I remember correctly.”

Thinking back, she nodded. “Yeah, most likely. I’m not a very good patient.”

“No, you suck at being a patient.”

“Thank you.”

“Anyway, that first day, when you were still sleeping, I made a promise to myself. Maybe that’s why I finally stopped treating that scar like it was sitting on forbidden territory or something. I remembered my promise.”

“I don’t believe in promises, Nick.”

“Well, I do, especially ones I make. I don’t make ‘em very often because I refuse to break them.”

“You always have been a man of your word.”

“I intend to stay that way, Ci…”

“So, what was your promise? Like you said…you were only 15…”

“Yep. But that day, when I saw that bandage on your chest, I decided that no matter what happened with you, no matter how sick you got or even if you miraculously got better, I would be there for you. I may not be physically ‘there’, but somehow, someway you’d know you were a part of me…in my life…in my thoughts…in my…” He sighed and looked even deeper in her eyes and slowly ran his finger down between her breasts over her scar hidden beneath her blouse. “…in my heart. I never imagined it’d be like this…I couldn’t at that point. That would have been ludicrous. You were just…just Cici, but I knew I’d always be there for you. And I meant it. And Ciara?” She couldn’t even talk. She just blinked in response, permitting him to continue.

“I still mean it.”

A huge bolt of lightening and even louder clap of thunder jolted them out of their privacy.

“Holy shit! I thought we were going away from the storm!” Nick turned around to look out over the water. “Yeah, looks like it, but we’re gonna hit some of it…come on, we’d better hurry before we get drenched.”

Chapter Twenty One

A bright flash of lightening jolted Ciara from her quiet thoughts as she finished up the dishes. She calmed from the scare and finally looked out her kitchen window at the storm. It had been pounding the coast for hours, giving no signs of letting up. “Well, at least it equals my stinkin’ mood. Ugh.” She shoved the last of the silverware in the drainer and tossed a towel over the pile to let them air dry.

She’d never felt so lonely in all her life. Typically being alone was something she liked.

Never did the roommate thing, never did the live-in thing with boyfriends, hated sharing a room with sister when she lived at home, but this…this loneliness was for the birds.

She had recovered pretty much as expected from the surgery, although still needed high doses of meds to keep her strength up day to day. Lindsey had almost completely flown the coup realizing her stupidity, Ciara supposed. She never visited in the hospital either.

That one hurt and good. Her family? Well…as usual they were in denial about everything. Since life wasn’t rosy in Ciara’s garden, they didn’t take time to tiptoe through the tulips there.

Then there was her love life. Ha. What a goddamned joke. Dwayne flew in and out as though Ci’s apartment had a revolving door. She turned her heart off to him the night he showed up stoned. Her body? Well, occasionally need won over common sense and she’d cave in. But her heart was hard as stone. He didn’t notice or care anyway.

School was another matter altogether. She was kicking ass at school. Straight A’s every quarter. Internships at the hospital led to part time work. She had friends there, but nothing particularly close. She left work at work…or at least at the bars after hours at work with some of her co-workers. Benign parties. No investment. No loss. And she now knew where she wanted to end up professionally; pediatrics. She knew what it was like to be in the hospital as a kid. Alone, scared, sick, aching. Her heart went out to them and that is where she was going to devote her life. And, because of great grades and pushing her butt in the summers, she was going to graduate early. She’d already landed a job at Tampa General in the pedes unit and…well, at least one area of her life was going along nicely. Too bad she didn’t feel like she had anyone to share the good news with.

Health-wise she was…eh. Her eyes were doing odd things and they’d already done one laser surgery on her to hopefully stop the retinal bleeding. It was a very common problem in diabetics. “Get your sugar under control, Ci and some of these problems will take care of themselves.” Well, thank you Sherlock Holmes. She knew this. Watched her diet like a hawk and it never mattered. She still couldn’t keep it balanced. Why did her body hate her so much?

Flipping mindlessly through the channels after watching her taped soap operas, she got up to scrounge in her freezer for a TV dinner. “I can’t even cook enough to keep a man.

I’d kill him before our first kiss.” She pulled out something that looked a bit like chicken…at least that’s what the box said it was, and threw it in the microwave, slammed the door closed and punched the correct buttons.

She gave herself her shot and heaved a sigh as she looked at the steaming food in front of her. Another meal alone. Another night alone. This was getting old. She needed a man.

A real one. Did any actually exist?

Rudely interrupting her perfect state of depression, the phone’s shrill ring caused her to startle. “Jesus. Maybe that’s my knight in shining armor now.”

“Watkins Weeping Willow…how can I help you?”

“What? Ciara?”

“Who is this?”

“Ci…it’s Nick!”

“Nick!? Holy shit!” When the hell did his voice change? Where in the hell was he? They were supposed to be in Europe. “where are you?”

“Germany. Did I get the time change okay? You up and all?”

“Yeah, I’m good…you’re calling me from Germany?”

“Yeah…is that a problem, Miss Weeping Willow? Or did I interrupt a pity party?”

“As a matter of fact, yes you did. Damn…” She sat down, totally stunned at how much his voice alone had changed. It still had a ways to go, but…my god. Nicky. “How are you, sweetie?”

“I’m good. I just…I miss you. I miss home.”

“I bet you do…and I miss you, too. I need your smile here lately.” He offered one, but unfortunately, she couldn’t see it. But she felt it. She could feel it in a place she normally kept closed off to others. How could this twerp get in there? Every damned time, too. “Well, we’re coming home in a few weeks and uh, we’re doing some promotional stuff at Disney. I want you to come with us.”

“To Disney? Oh cool. I haven’t been there in years.”

“How are you feeling? Can you do this?”

Ugh. THAT question. “I’m okay. And yeah, I can do Disney. When do we go?” They small talked a bit longer, having to hang up abruptly when Kevin came storming in the room griping about Nick’s tardiness for rehearsal. Some things didn’t change apparently. Making hasty plans as they hung up, Ciara smiled for the first time in weeks.

She missed that kid so much. But…he wasn’t so much of a kid anymore now was he?

Sixteen. He could drive now. Oh God.

***

“Soooo, Ciara…” Nick sauntered to her car, running a finger over its hood as though it were a woman’s body. He flashed a cheesy grin and wiggled his eyebrows at her.

“What, Nick? God, you are dangerous with those eyes.” 6 months had done a number on him. He had to have grown 3 or 4 inches and he was slowly losing that little boy

“cuteness.” Heartbreaker. He was going to be a heartbreaker.

“Yeah, I know…I try. So, uh…yeah, I have my license now and we have a bit of a drive to Orlando, and uh……” He wagged his eyebrows again, hoping he wouldn’t have to come out and ask for God’s sake. This begging shit was for the birds.

“You wanna drive my car, little boy?” What a dork. And could she really let him? This car…it was her baby.

“Are you offering?”

“No, you’re begging…and you suck at it.”

His shoulder slumped and he truly pouted. This kid was good. “Oh come on, Ci. I could drive the route blindfolded and I got 100% on my test and…” There they were, the puppy dog eyes. She had been waiting for those to show up.

“You just suck, Nick. Jeez.” She tossed him the keys, shaking her head and saying a silent prayer. “Big one with “Toyota” on it.”

He squealed. The goof actually squealed like a little girl. Catching the keys, he quickly fidgeted with his lock and hopped in the driver’s seat, wailing when he smacked his crotch on her steering wheel.

Sliding in next to him, Ciara laughed, “You might wanna throw the seat back a hair. I’m short.” Now it was her turn for a cheesy grin.

“Gee, thanks for the warning.” He reached between his legs to set the seat back a couple…a TON of notches. “Damn, do you even HAVE legs?”

“Nope. Stubs.”

Finally settled, he turned the ignition and squeezed the steering wheel with excitement.

“Ahhhhh…I’ve been wanting to drive your cars since…well, since you got your first one.”

“I swear that’s the only reason you’ve hung out with me this long. After today I’ll never see you again.”

“Ayup. You found me out. Give me a car-gasm and toss you to the wind.” Huh? “What did you just say?” He did NOT just say that.

Another eyebrow wag and he looked in the rearview mirror and backed out of the parking spot giggling with glee. “You heard me.” Silence followed them out of the complex as she stewed over his maturity…she was definitely not ready for this. Breaking the silence, he flashed one more grin, thrilled to be home….to be with her today. ”So, after the PR crap when we get there, what are we gonna ride first?”

“Duh. Dumbo’s Flying Elephants!” Who the hell said he was supposed to learn about ANY kind of ‘gasm’ without her permission?

***

“Hey, hey, we get ANOTHER girl today! Woohoo!” AJ ran up to Ciara, picked her up and spun her around planting a big wet one on her cheek.

Once back on firm ground Ciara caught her breath and laughed. “ANOTHER? You guys bein’ unfaithful to me?”

“Eh, just Kev. Where are they anyway?”

“I think they went on ‘It’s A Small World’…how ya’ doin’, Ci? Miss seeing you.” Brian leaned in and kissed Ciara’s dry cheek squeezing her shoulder lightly.

“I’m doin’ okay, B. Thanks for letting me come along today. I needed this.”

“Don’t thank us, yet. You may be regretting it before long.”

“This is true. So, no one wanted to join Kev and his girl on ‘Small World’? Are we afraid of cooties?”

“It’s Linds, Ciara… you didn’t know she’d be here?”

Well, isn’t that special? “Uh, no. Had no idea.” She looked at Nick for some sort of answer and all he could offer was a pair of shrugging shoulders. “She could have come in with us. How’d she get here?” Now this one hurts. What the hell?

“She met us at the airport yesterday.”

“Ah. Guess she didn’t need me then.” Ciara quickly diverted her attention to her surroundings not wanting to come off like a jilted lover. “So, uh guys…I’m thinkin’ a spin on the Mad Hatter is in order. Who’s up for it?”

“Oh God, I am so out. I hate that thing!”

“Aw, Howie…do you have a wimpy tummy?” Ciara wrapped an arm around Howie’s shoulders and rubbed his stomach like a Buddha.

Batting her hands away, “Yes…as a matter of fact I do, especially if Nicky’s driving.”

“HEY! I’m a good driver now!”

“Alright, let’s not make him pout. Bri? Aje? You in?”

“I’ll stick with Howie…not in the mood to lose my lunch…especially since we’ve not eaten it yet.”

Ciara shook her head, greatly disappointed at their lack of adventure. “Sad, sad, sad.

Okay, guys. It’s you and me. Let’s go.” She walked in between AJ and Nick, sliding an arm into theirs and sauntered off to the back entrance. Even though they were still pretty much unknowns in America, the successes they’d had elsewhere offered perks at home. Not having to deal with queue lines was definitely one of the best.

Sliding into their shared teacup, AJ scooted closer to Ciara, laying his head on her shoulder. “Is he gonna kill me on this thing?”

“Probably. I’ve never ridden a teacup with him before. What do you say, Nick? Are you safe?”

“You’re helpin’…both of you. It’s more fun when we all do it.”

“I hate spinning,” AJ moaned, grudgingly grabbing the circular control in the middle.

“Then why in the hell are you here?” Ciara shrugged her shoulder, making AJ lift his head up.

“Cuz he likes to whine.”

“Oh look who’s talking.”

“Would you two…my God!” Ciara threw her hands up in the air in mock frustration.

Children. She was playing with children.

“Hey Ciara!” She turned to the voice calling from outside the ride.

“What, Howie?”

“Good luck…you’re gonna need it!”

Chapter Twenty Two

“Thank you, Howard. I happen to be very good at Blackjack.”

“Well this is good. Besides Nick’s at your table…no competition.”

“Oh, honey…you have no idea. He sucks.”

“Hello! I’m right here! And I do NOT suck. I’ll hold.” Ciara leaned in and looked again at Nick’s upturned card. “There is no WAY you’re holding already.”

The dealer held his cards still waiting for Nick to change his mind. Silence. Next.

“Hit me.”

The dealer finished dolling out cards and it was time to reveal their hands.

“We have twenty-one! Congratulations to the lady!”

“Christ. I swear, I suck at this.”

“Point proven. You know, if you’d hold at a bit higher than SIXTEEN you might win now and again.” Ciara giggled as she swept her chips in closer, stacking them with a bit too much joy.

“I guess she didn’t need good luck, huh? And yeah, Nick. You suck.”

“Thanks, Howie. Don’t you have some old woman to do body shots with or something?”

“Not now, no. Oh, and Ci…thanks so much for arranging the dinner last night from the auction. We had a great evening.”

“No problem. I love ya’, man, but…I can get you whenever I want.” He chuckled and leaned in to kiss her cheek. “Yep. Anytime you need me, you know it.

I’m gonna go find Mom…she shopped way too hard on shore yesterday. Wiped herself out. And uh, Nick?”

“Yep?”

“A little tidbit for ya’. Dealer holds at 17…it’s a standard.” Howie patted Nick on the back and walked away shaking his head, giggling at his friend’s naiveté.

“He’s a smart ass.”

“Yes, he is. Let’s go get ready for lunch, Mr. Gambling Genius. You’re gonna be broke by dinner.”

***~

“Okay, to prove I can still learn, I’m going to take my shot BEFORE I get dressed.”

“We’re not going formal are we? It’s lunch.”

“Nope…I just am kinda tired of the stares. I can only imagine what the talk is.”

“Let ‘em talk. Who cares?” Nick pulled a shirt from the closet and quickly threw it over his head. “Besides, you keep this up and no one will be talking about ME anymore.”

“Oh nice. Use the girlfriend as a rumor decoy. I feel so used.” Okay, how junior high was this, but did she just say ‘girlfriend’? Nick’s heart actually raced at hearing it. Of course she was his girlfriend. Everyone knew it but her. Maybe she finally bought into the idea.

Ciara pulled the needle out of her arm, quickly capturing her injection spot with her finger to stop the minimal bleeding. “Now that I’ve done this, we ARE eating right away aren’t we? No autograph sessions or anything first?”

“Nothing scheduled, no. You should be fine.”

***

The best laid plans of mice and men…Nick had been in the hall for over 15 minutes signing autographs and getting pictures with fans. They were incredibly nice and all, but the timing was getting to be a problem. When Nick tried to stop at just a few, Eddie had leaned in and whispered something unknown to Ciara. An apologetic glance and 15

minutes later, they were still there. Now Ciara was getting very hungry.

Beginning to feel pangs stronger than she should, she gingerly approached the group and tugged at Nick’s sleeve. He turned away from the girls to Ciara with mild irritation.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry, Nick. But I need to eat. Soon.”

“Oh…yeah, I’m sorry. Okay.” He touched her face, feeling stupid for forgetting and smiled back at the group of girls. “I’m sorry, guys. I was heading to lunch and we need to go. Thanks for bein’ so cool!”

A few moans and whines emanated from the gathering, but they reluctantly waved and left.

“I’m sorry, baby. I just need to…”

“No, my bad. I forgot.”

They sat quickly, again ignoring the eyes that followed their every move. It looked like the buffet had been ravaged…and they were late for lunch. They were going to have to order from the kitchen. Wonderful.

After a quick look through the small menu, Ciara asked Nick about the details of his date the previous night with the winner of the celebrity auction. It seemed to have been a very nice night. She had enjoyed the solitude, strolling along the decks, taking a late night swim and just relaxing in their suite. She was asleep by the time he’d returned and never heard how the evening went.

And he had plenty to tell. He ended up partnered with a very nice older woman, giving him peace of mind to just relax and enjoy her company. It was a refreshing break. He was going on about a story she had told him about her daughter, a huge fan of his brother, and suddenly realized Ciara appeared to only be nodding in polite response.

She had no clue what he was talking about. What the…Auction? Aaron? You know? My brother? “Ciara? Do you even KNOW what I’m talking about here?” She smiled slightly and never blinked. “No.” Slowly moving her gaze back to the menu, she suddenly got entranced with the wine offerings. She never drank wine at lunch.

Narrowing his eyes, he tried to figure out what was going on. Then he remembered.

“You need to eat, don’t you?”

Again, the slight smile, no blink, eerily peaceful expression on her face. “Yes.” Back to the menu.

Well, shit. He hadn’t seen her zone out like this in years. Bread. Surely the waiter could bring some bread. Where was that guy anyway? Nick started looking around nervously, hoping to catch the eye of their waiter. He looked back up to Ciara and noticed her eyebrows were actually twitching. What the…where is that damned waiter?

“You okay, Ci?”

Just that damned stupid smile. She looked like she was doped up or something. This was so not good. Waiter…bread…now. Had everyone gone on break?

Even more moments later and no sign of wait staff to help, Nick was getting frantic.

Ciara’s expression never changed. Finally, it dawned on Nick that she never left home without provisions. “Ci, do you have a granola bar in your purse?” Blank stare. “No.” Smile.

No? She never….he sat and stared at her for a few seconds running a list of ideas through his head on how he could get something in her stomach immediately without causing the least bit of a scene. “Can I look anyway, Ci?” She had to have something in that suitcase she carried around.

Smile. Expressionless. Damn.

He got up and walked around, running his hand along her back before digging in her purse. He did not like doing this…something about a woman’s purse was just forbidden.

Now, however, it couldn’t matter. Injection equipment, monitor, wallet, notepad, assorted make-up, hair-pick, tampons…needed to see those…Jesus! Where was…finally.

He pulled the packaged granola bar out of her purse and handed it to her. “There you go, babe.”

She simply looked up at Nick as though he were a stranger. Looking down at the foil wrapped bar, she smiled at it…just like she had smiled at him.

“Ciara. You need to…” He quit talking. He was talking to a wall. He just wordlessly opened the package and handed her the bar. “Eat.”

His hand trailed along her shoulders again as he walked back to his seat. She was indeed chewing obediently, still a complete staid expression on her face. Her shaking was worse…eyebrows, cheeks, hands, arms and he thought he’d noticed when he walked by her, her legs as well. This was the worst he’d EVER seen her. To say he was scared didn’t even scratch at the surface. She had virtually walked off the boat…yet she was still there.

She swallowed the first bite of granola and put the bar down on the table, looking up at Nick and smiling again. “Take another bite, Ci. Finish it up.” She obediently followed his direction, nodding whenever he’d ask if she was feeling better. It was obvious she wasn’t, which was unusual. Typically, she improved within minutes of getting something in her system. He was beyond scared now. Petrified might do it, although that didn’t seem strong enough either.

He glanced around for a waiter again, amazed at the irony of it all. They were typically OVER attentive and now that he was in serious need, there was no one to be found.

“Take another bite, Ci…almost done now.”

“Okay.” Bite, smile, chew. This was nuts.

JUICE! That’d help. His search for a waiter finally ended, although the young lady had her hands full. Tough. This was officially an emergency. “Excuse me…” The girl looked back at the blonde man, instantly noticing his worried expression. “Yes?”

“I’m sorry, I know you’re not our waitress, but uh…” He pointed to Ciara, not sure what to say. He didn’t want to draw attention to her, although her dazed expression was about to do that on its own. “…She’s sick. I need some fruit juice, IMMEDIATELY please.”

“Oh! Absolutely. Let me put these down and I’ll be right with you.” He looked back at Ciara who had finally finished the granola bar. She was wadding the packaging up in her hand and trying to lay it down on the table. The fact that it continued to undo itself from its ball was frustrating her. She’d wad it up, set it down, frown when it unfolded and repeat the process again and again. Like a curious 2 yr. old.

Their waiter finally appeared, totally oblivious to the activities at the table, being a might bit too perky. “Okay! Sorry that took me so long. Do you know what you want?”

“Uh, yeah…I just sent someone for juice. We need that first.” Just as he finished his statement, the first waitress arrived with a glass of orange juice.

He handed it to her, concerned she might spill from the shaking in her hands and arms.

Somehow, she got a sip to her lips and put down the glass, flashing the blank smile again.

“Okay, so uh…are you two ready to order?”

“I think…Ci, do you remember what you want?”

“Yeah.” She looked down at her menu again and just stared. She had no clue.

Nick looked up sheepishly to the waiter. “I think we need to let this juice work a few more minutes. Can you come back?”

“Yeah…” Looking down at Ciara like she was an impish child. ‘You take your time now, sweetie…I can wait.” He patronizingly patted her arm and walked away. Nick seethed, but did nothing. Would do no good anyway.

“Okay, Ci…you need to eat real food…what do you want?”

“Um…” She looked at the menu again. Nick turned it over showing her the salads. She always loved salad. She looked up at him, almost as though she finally realized she couldn’t decide.

“Drink some more juice. That Island Chicken looks good…or the Cajun. You want that?” No words, just that damned blank expression and pathetic smile.

Nick caught the waiter’s eye, who was now downright staring and waved him over. “You ready now, honey?”

“Yep.” She flipped the menu back to the wine list again and started looking at it.

Crap. Ciara come back, please. “Uh, she’ll have the Cajun Chicken Salad. Honey Mustard.

Extra dressing. And I’ll have the same, I guess.”

“Okay, um…is she okay?”

“Yes, she’s fine. Insulin reaction. Please don’t patronize her anymore, huh?”

“No, I’m sorry…I just…”

“Don’t worry about it…can we have some bread or something, please?” Wordlessly the waiter skitted away leaving the couple alone again, thankfully. Her shaking had lessened, but that damned daze would not go away. It was getting scary.

Should he call for the ship’s doctor?

“Drink some more, baby.”

And it continued. For 5? 10? 15 more minutes? Nick wasn’t sure, but before he knew it, she was using sentences, eating bread without coercion and speaking a bit more coherently. Her smile was almost Ciara’s smile again and the shakes were virtually gone.

Finally able to breath more easily he dared to ask…

“You with me now?”

“Yeah, I think so. Did I embarrass myself?”

“Nope. You were fine. Calm.”

“Okay, good. She looked at the wad of foil from her granola bar as though she’d never seen it. “You found my granola I see.”

“Yep. You didn’t want to eat it. I had to walk you through it.”

“God. I’m sorry.”

“My fault for making you wait so long to eat after your shot. And the wait staff was NO

help. It’s like they disappeared.”

“Did they finally help?”

“Yeah…that’s where we got the juice.”

She looked down, seeing it for the first time. “OH! You got me juice too?”

“Yeah, the granola didn’t work. In fact, drink some more, okay?”

“I’m okay.”

“Ciara…drink.”

“Yeah, yeah…” She took a sip and looked up at him. He was still so scared and for the first time she could see it. “I’m okay now, Nick. You can breathe again.” He let out a huge expulsion of air from his mouth. Didn’t realize he’d been holding his breath, actually. “This bread is good, huh?” Jeez…small talk. That just sucked.

“Yep…hey, what did I order?”

“You ordered a Cajun chicken salad with honey mustard dressing…double dressing.”

“I did that?”

He smiled for the first time since she checked out. “No. I did. You’ll love it.”

“Ah. Thank you. Thanks for taking care of me.” She was so embarrassed. No matter how often this kind of thing happened, she could never overcome the humiliation of the moment.

“No problem. I’m glad I remembered what to do. Been awhile since you’ve pulled one of those on me.”

“Yeah, can’t give you what you’d expect you know.”

The waiter appeared with two huge salad bowls, extra dressing and an improved attitude toward Ciara. It was obvious he was confused at what had just happened at his table, but thought better of asking.

As they started to eat, Nick had to ask, insecure as it seemed, “So, this sounds stupid, but…did I do okay? Did I do the right thing?”

“Yeah, Nick. You did. You know…I never have to worry when we’re together. You always know what to do. I can’t even say that about my family.”

“They know what to do!”

“Yes, but they don’t do it. They’d have had the ship’s doc here, a crowd all over me and a major story in People Magazine next week. ‘Nick Carter’s date slips into shock aboard the Love Boat…suspected drug use.’ It’d have been great.”

“Oh God…wouldn’t that have been fun?”

“No…not really.”

“So, uh…do you still feel up to dancing tonight? We have yet to do that.”

“Yep. Mr. Travolta, you’d better get ready cuz I’m ready, baby.” And that was that. She was back. Nick could never get over it. It was like she walked off the boat and came back without ever leaving the table. But she was back. And he was glad. Because even moments without Ciara were moments he’d rather not endure.

***

Nick grabbed Ciara’s hand and pulled her off the dance floor. He was exhausted. She’d obviously taken all the energy she’d stored up from not dancing and exerted it tonight alone. They’d been on the floor for hours…or at least it felt that way. He felt like he’d had a rehearsal work out.

“Damn, woman…what’s gotten into you?”

“Hopefully it’ll be YOU a bit later.”

“Mmm…” He scooted closer to her on the bench, wrapping an arm around her and planting a kiss to her head. “We’ll see what we can do about that. You feeling okay now?”

“Yep. I’m fine. Tired, but good.”

“Hey, you two. Good pose…let me get a picture.”

“Aw, Pollyanna…come on…he gets enough with the fans.”

“I know, but none with you, sweetie. We can put it on the site.” Ciara whispered under her breath as she scooted even closer to Nick, knowing she was going to lose this battle, “Oh good-eee.”

“Come on, Ci. I don’t have a recent picture of us together anyway. Smile purty.”

“Smiling, smiling…”

Chapter Twenty Three

“One…two…three…CHEESE!” The camera flashed, little Disney workers cheered and Goofy came out from behind the prop camera to shake Nick and Ciara’s hand. Why they treated everyone like 5 year olds, Ciara never knew, but there it was. Weee.

“Okay, you can pick this up at the camera store on Main Street after 8 tonight!” The little elfin, or whatever she was supposed to be thrust a paper in Nick’s hand as a receipt.

“Thanks.” Whispering to Nick, “Get me out of here. It’s so sugary I may need another shot.

Giggling, he wrapped his arm around her and escorted his friend back outside to the blistering late-afternoon heat.

“Did Goofy goose ya’, Ci?”

“Oh yeah…Goofy’s all about the goose, Aje. Where is everybody?”

“They’ll be here. You’re early.” AJ picked up the package on the seat next to him and plopped it on the table. “Sit.”

“You’re all alone, Poodge? No one wanted to shop?”

“Nope. Howie and Brian hit Thunder Mountain I think. We have yet to see Lindsey and Kev. I hope he remembers we’re supposed to meet for dinner here.”

“Well, if not we’ll finally have something to ride HIS ass for. I think he’s due.”

“I thought you guys were better, Nick.”

“Eh, we are, but he’s still always up our asses about something. I think he’s started makin’ shit up.”

Ciara giggled, but fell quiet. She couldn’t get used to Nick’s language. It didn’t bother her of course…she could keep up with the worst of sailors, but it was just weird hearing it from his mouth. He was growing up and she wasn’t quite sure how she felt about it.

She’d been watching it happen for 5 years now, but for some reason this visit, this trip he seemed so markedly different. Not in a bad way, but…he wasn’t a little boy anymore…he wasn’t her Nicky. And it felt weird.

“Speak of the devil…”

“Hey…Ciara…wow, uh…I didn’t know you’d, um…how have you been?” Well, that was smooth, Linds. Ciara pulled out the face she reserves for her family, the one with the plastered smile always at the ready, and looked up to her “friend.” “I’m going good, Linds. You?”

“Good…good. So, uh…you came out of surgery okay, I take it.”

“No, actually, this is Ciara’s ghost. She died.” Cue fake smile.

Nick almost spit pop across the table, with AJ ready with cross-fire. God, women were great. AJ got Nick’s attention and mouthed, “Cat fight.” Nick glared at him, but was smiling through it. Ci could be a bitch, no doubt, but this could get interesting. He wondered if he could sell tickets.

Lindsey immediately blushed. “Well, I know you…I mean…I’m sorry I didn’t make it to the hospital to see you. If that’s what you’re upset about…”

“Forget it Linds. I’ve learned who I can lean on and who I can’t. Thanks for helping me figure that out.” She stood, wanting to go find something to eat and get the HELL out of here. “So, what’s good to eat around here, fellas? I’m getting hungry.”

***

“Hey Kev! Pass those beans, man!” Family buffet was definitely interesting with these guys. They ate enough for 5 families. Ciara wasn’t even sure she ever had food on her plate. All she saw were bowls and platters getting passed back and forth in front of her.

She felt full, but between their constant refills and the tension with Lindsey, it wasn’t the most relaxing dining experience.

She’d definitely had plenty to drink though and a bathroom break was in order. She excused herself from the table and hoped that Lindsey wouldn’t follow her. They needed to talk, there was no question, but now was not the time. Not in front of Kevin; not in front of Nick. And it seemed Lindsey didn’t want to talk anyway. She’d made an ass of herself picking a Backstreet Boy over her friend. Why talk about it?

As Ciara returned to the table she had “that feeling” she was the topic of discussion. A warning from within told her to approach with caution. Lindsey leaned over to Nick.

Ciara strained to hear. She should have stayed in the bathroom longer.

“So, what the hell is up with Ciara’s eyes, Nick? She looks like that old actor…what’s his name? Marty Feldman. With the bug eyes.”

“I really don’t know, Lindsey. I never ask.”

“What kind of friend doesn’t ask?”

“I don’t know, Linds. What kind of friend doesn’t visit her when she’s had life-threatening surgery?”

“Never mind that. I mean, she looks ridiculous. Haven’t you wondered?”

“Ridiculous? God. What is your problem?”

“I don’t have one, Nick. I just…I mean. I just thought you’d know why she looks that way.”

“I don’t, but yeah…I do wonder…and worry. I dunno.” He shrugged and looked down at his plate. He’d never been horribly uncomfortable at her ill health before. What the hell?

“Sometimes I’m afraid to know. So I don’t ask.”

Brian perked up at that admission. He’d noticed her eyes, too. They all had. But no one wanted to draw attention to it. Normally her health issues were invisible, but this one was obvious. “Why are you afraid, Nick? She’s one of your best friends.”

“Yeah, she is. But, I just…it’s so bad sometimes. I’m afraid I can’t handle it. So, if I don’t know, then…” He tossed his napkin on the table, uncomfortable with his own admission.

“I, uh…I’m gonna wait outside. How much do I owe for this?” He got up and reached in his pocket to retrieve some cash.

“I’ve got it…put it away, Nick.” Ciara tossed two twenties on the table and stormed out of the restaurant. She’d been waiting for this. She was finally alone. Completely. Lindsey fled. Now? Now Nick had too.

She found an unoccupied bench to land on and did so with a thud. Burying her face in her hands, she started a flood of emotion that came with such force, she was sure she was drawing more attention to herself then had she just stayed in the restaurant. At this point, it really didn’t matter. Just so Nick or Lindsey didn’t come out to try and console her she’d be okay.

And they didn’t. Lindsey was too…hard? Seemed to be. Turned off to the whole scene.

Nick was just too mortified. He had slunk back down in his seat, realizing he’d just single-handedly ripped Ciara’s heart right out of her. No one said anything at the table.

They’d all sinned in a strange way. By talking, by not talking, by assuming.

It was Howie who stood first and quietly walked out of the building to find their friend.

He’d seen his sister in pain before, although the diseases were different. Or were they?

Sometimes he swore what he saw in Ciara was similar to what he saw in Caroline. His eyes landing on the crying girl, he walked over to her slowly, not wanting to startle her.

“Ciara…can I sit down here with you?”

Howie? Wow. They’d never talked too much…Howie came out? Okay. She looked up from her tears and smiled meekly. “Yeah…I’m not much company, but go ahead.”

“That’s okay. They’re not much company in there now either. I think I’d rather be with you.”

“Don’t bet on it. I’m scary.” The last word was said with dripping sarcasm, spooky gestures and all. At least it got her sitting upright again, and trying to put a smile on her face. Sob scene over anyway.

“Nick didn’t mean that, Ci…he loves you.”

“He loves me when I’m well. I’m not well a majority of the time, Howie.”

“I don’t agree with that, but I can see how you’d feel that way after what he said. He is awful young to be dealing with some of the things he’s seen with you, you know?”

“Yeah, he is. And he’s never complained or acted scared before. Why now?”

“I can’t answer that. I really think your problem is Lindsey, not Nick.”

“Lindsey can kiss my ass.”

“She’s too busy kissing Kevin’s at the moment, I’m afraid.”

“No kidding. Does she even KNOW he fucks everything with a hole?” Howie’s eyes bugged out of his head and he couldn’t help but laugh. Ciara was nothing if not blunt. He liked that in a woman…in a friend. “Um, I’m thinking not. Why don’t you go in and tell her? I don’t think that table has enough tension as it is.” She had to smile. That would be a good scene wouldn’t it? Chuckling, she decided against it. Only one bitch was needed at the moment. Let Lindsey take it. She was so good at it. “Nah, she’ll learn soon enough. And you know what’s gonna happen?”

“What?”

“She’s gonna come running to me. I’ll get to clean up the mess.”

“You’d do that?”

“Yep. I’m a sap.”

“No, you’re incredible. I’d tell her to go screw herself.”

“See, that’s the thing, Howie. She already is screwing herself. She just doesn’t know it yet. She needs someone there when that finally dawns on her.”

“And that someone will be you?”

“Probably. If she’ll have me, I’ll be there.”

“And what about Nick?”

“Nick? Well, he’s obviously not been real honest with me on how he feels about my illnesses. About what he wants to know and what he doesn’t. Maybe I’ve just told him too much.”

“Maybe. Hard to say.”

“So, for now, I’ll just keep more to myself. Let him just see and enjoy me well. That’s what he wants and since we see each other so rarely, that’s what he deserves. I can be well with him. It’s not such a bad thing.”

“I guess not. It’s just not always honest. Friendship can’t last on dishonesty.”

“Not dishonesty. Just not the complete truth.”

“So who lets you be you, Ci? Who lets you be sick?”

“Right now, Howie, I have no idea.”

“Okay, I’ll audition…I’m used to this with my sister.” He sat up straight and put on a

“proper” face…formal. “So, Ciara? Your eyes don’t look like they normally do. Is something going on?”

Ciara smiled. A simple question hours ago just like that is all it would have taken for any of them to get an honest answer and a much more enjoyable evening meal. “Okay, Mr.

Dorough, it’s hard to explain. It’s from retinopathy. I’ve had surgery for it before, but it’s out of control now.”

“What’s retinopathy?”

“The blood vessels in my eyes swell and sometimes bleed. Usually they zap ‘em with lasers, which I’ve had done. But now the swelling is really bad. They want to do something more drastic.”

“What causes the swelling?”

“Bad blood sugar control basically. Lots of scientific mumbo-jumbo, but that’s the bottom line. I just can’t keep it controlled no matter what I do.”

“So, what’s the surgery?”

“This is gross…”

“I can take it.”

“They want to shave part of my facial bones a bit…to just allow room for the swelling.

Then, I won’t be so bug eyed. They can’t stop it, so they might as well allow room for it.”

“Dear God, Ci…” Maybe he couldn’t take it. He looked away imagining the pain that would cause. Would it change her appearance? Should he ask?

“You gonna walk away now, too, Howie?” She put her hand on his thigh, somehow knowing he wouldn’t. Hoping he wouldn’t anyway.

“No. I’m not.” He turned back to look at her, realizing it really didn’t matter if it changed her appearance. Just so it didn’t change her. “And Ci? Nick won’t either. It just sounds awful.”

“What’s really awful is that I can’t even close my eyes completely now…even to sleep.

And they’re so dry they won’t even tear up right. Did you see how dry my face was when you came out here?”

“Well, yeah…now that you mention it.”

“Yup. Day to day tears aren’t coming either. I’ve had to sneak into the bathroom all day to put drops in. Just didn’t want to answer a lot of questions.”

“So this will help all of that?”

“Should. Seems like a band-aid cure, but they’ve done it before and it’s helped others, so I’m willing to do it. LAST surgery for a long time for me though. I’m sick of it.”

“I can’t imagine.”

“And Howie?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t tell Nick. Just…let him be a boy. Let him be my fun boy for now. My escape from all of this, okay?”

“Sure. If you think that’s best.”

“I don’t know if it is, but that’s what feels right now. I hate to think I’ve scared him.

Makes me sick.”

“He’s okay, Ciara. You’ve taught him how to be caring to others who might be hurting.

He’s a neat young man.”

“Yeah, he is, isn’t he?”

“He’s also a twit.” He winked at her and pulled her in for a hug. “I’m so glad he brought you into our circle though. Sick, healthy, whatever.” She laid her head on his shoulder and just enjoyed the warmth of his arms. The security she felt there. She’d never had a brother before and although Nick kind of fit that bill, Howie’s presence now as an older brother was just what the doctor ordered.

Chapter Twenty Four

Ciara squeezed Howie one more time and broke from the hug. “You’re sure he’s gonna be okay with this?”

“Yeah, he will. Thanks for agreeing to do it. The crowd should like it too, especially if it goes in a funny direction.”

“Alright. I’ll trust you on this…don’t let me down, now!” Howie laughed and patted her back. “I won’t. It’s up to Nick now anyway, not me.”

“Oh, that gives me a lot of confidence.” She chuckled and made her way out of the bar hoping Howie was right. This could go very well. Or be a major bomb.

She walked back to her cabin trying to ignore the whispers and points she noticed from other passengers. For the most part, everyone had been very nice and accepting of her presence on Nick’s arm. Now, the internet community would be a different ballgame and she was curious as to the chat going on there. There was an Internet Café on board and she’d seen fans go in regularly. She figured this was a time to let them be…let them talk. Maybe she’d finally swear herself off of it now, now that she was so close to the picture. Ignorance could be bliss.

“Nick, you in here?” She quickly scanned the room, not seeing any sign of him. “Where in the world…oh my…”

He was out on the balcony, leaning his elbows on the railing. His hair was blowing softly in the breeze as the ship sailed from it’s last stop in Jamaica back to Miami…the last day on board. It had been a wonderful week overall and Nick just amazed her more and more everyday. She was NOT easy to live with. But he never complained, never groused, never seemed anxious to get away. And now…he was just stunning. White sleeveless tshirt, nylon khaki shorts down to his knees and bare feet. What was it about his ankles and feet that made her so woozy? Didn’t hurt that that ass of his was staring at her through the window.

She tossed her purse on the bed and just stood watching him. He was deep in thought about something, that was to be sure…but what? Eh, sometimes a man’s thoughts should remain with him. She decided to start packing things up for their departure tomorrow…let him think some more alone.

As she tossed the last of his shirts into his bag, she made her way outside. She was going to miss this…the quiet, lack of obligations, constant vacation atmosphere. Who wouldn’t? But, reality called. Sliding the glass door open, she softly broke his reverie.

“Hey…” She slid her arms around his waist, laying her head on his back.

“Hey, where have you been?” He slowly spun around to face her, leaning down for a soft kiss.

“I’ve been packing for a bit…took the scenic route back from lunch.”

“I don’t wanna leave.” He leaned against the rail and spread his legs a bit, pulling her into their favorite talking position. He’d brush hair from her face or toy with her hands or rub her arms as they talked. Comfort. It just exuded total comfort.

“Me either. But, hey…we end with Karaoke tonight, baby! Bust outta here with a bang!”

“God. Do I HAVE to do this?”

“Yes, you do. Your fans await your tremendous skills.”

“Ah, that’s what they are, huh? I suck at Karaoke.”

“What? You make your living doing Karaoke. Same damned arrangements every night, half of your shit’s DAT’s anyway.”

“Yeah, yeah…but those are OUR songs. I never know what’s picked and feel like an idiot.”

“Well, you’re a sweet idiot. They’ll be kind to you.”

“Am I gonna see YOU up there making a fool of yourself?”

“ME? Oh hell no…I don’t believe in Karaoke.” She lightly smacked his tummy and started into the cabin. She was stopped when he pulled her hand and led her back to him.

“You are gonna get up there tonight.”

“No, Nick, I’m not. And I wanna go inside.”

He reluctantly led her in their cabin but continued to grumble about her refusal to sing Karaoke. “Come on…you have a great voice, you’ve performed a little before…you’ll be great!”

“Why are you so hell bent to get me up there?”

He blushed. Damn him. He wasn’t supposed to do that. “So I’m not the only idiot.”

“Oh, nice, Carter. Real nice. Come on, big guy. I need a nap…care to join me?”

“Yeah, can I uh…exhaust you a little first?”

”That’s what I was counting on!”

***

“Alright ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our final portion of our contest tonight. Nick, I think that means you…come on up here.”

Ciara patted his back and he made his way to the front of the lounge. No one there would ever guess that he’d been dreading this all day. Purely professional, all the way.

Big smile, slap on the back to Howie, slight hug for Pollyanna who was MC-ing the event…picture perfect.

And the night HAD been pretty fun thus far. Typical Karaoke garbage. Old songs sung by half-wits who had a thimbleful of talent but a barrelful of heart. One guy even decided to add a strip show to his performance. All 300 pounds of him. The last part was for duets, half of which would be Nick and they had set up a cute little contest to go along with it. Winner got a nice BSB/Lupus basket signed by Howie and Nick, hugs, kisses and pictures. Nothing major, but it was still coveted.

“Here’s how this is going to work. Everyone tonight has a number and Howie is going to pick one from the basket here and that person will be your partner for the song. They’ll come up, spin this wheel and you have to sing what’s under the sign. We have 80’s tunes, 90’s tunes, ballads, pure rock ‘n roll…you see them all here. You’ll get a few moments with your partner to divide parts and stuff and then you’re on. Six categories, six contestants so you don’t repeat any style. Audience vote decides who your perfect match is.”

“Okay, I’m ready.” Nick rubbed his hands together, looking around the room flirting with his eyes. “Hit me, Howie…who’s the first vict-…uh, contestant?” Howie read the first number and a young girl from the back of the room squealed and jumped up. Nick offered her a huge smile as she made her way forward, stealing a hug from Howie before reaching Nick.

She spun the wheel and it landed on 90’s music…not too bad. “Please, no Backstreet!” Pollyanna pulled the cover off the wedge. “Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty!” Nick looked to his partner with a hopeful gaze. “You know this one?” She shrugged shyly. “Sorta.”

“Okay, let’s get busy then.” Nick pulled her to the side where a monitor was set up with the lyrics and they quietly hummed through a bit, dividing verses, picking harmonies which Nick took of course, while Pollyanna gave a PSA for the foundation. Once ready, Nick cued the DJ and they started.

Okay, so they sucked. She sucked. Nick held up okay. But it was fun and the girl had the time of her life. As did contestants two through 5. None of them were great, all were adorable and Nick was a trooper.

“Laaaaaaast contestant, Nick. Can you manage one more?”

“I’m good to go. Let’s do this.”

Howie read the final number and Nick looked up to the crowd somewhat shocked at the lack of audible reaction. But the look of shock bled to one of…shock…with a smile…when he saw Ciara slowly get up and make her way to the front of the room.

***

Ciara winked at Howie and took her place next to Nick refusing to look him in the eye.

Nick, however, couldn’t take his eyes off of her. She never ceased to amaze him. All teasing aside, he never imagined her to come up front and do this. It just wasn’t her style anymore. Sang in church in high school and then never again…now this? This ought to be good.

“Okay, you guys…only one wedge left on the wheel. Ballads. Nick, why don’t you take off the cover there…’I’ll Be’ by Edwin McCain!”

The look of panic on Nick’s face brought the crowd to an uproar. He glanced over at Ciara who simply mouthed “You don’t KNOW this?” to him.

“I don’t THINK so…oh god.” Everyone in the room was giggling except Nick. Ciara was even getting a good laugh out of it although this could point to their plan being a bomb instead of a good time.

“Well, obviously you two will need a few minutes…we’ll, uh…just keep the crowd happy while you work it out.”

“Gee, thanks, D.” Nick pulled Ciara to the side by the monitor and whispered, “Did you plan this?”

“NO, no…not the song. That was total chance.”

“You’re a set up for the contest though?”

“Yeah…but if we win I’ll give the basket to second place. Howie just thought it’d be cute.”

“Oh real cute. God, okay. You know this thing? I can learn fast.”

“Yeah, you might too.” She sang a few bars of the chorus and he did recognize it. A little.

Surely not enough to do it in front of a few hundred people, but…that wasn’t optional now was it?

They quickly assigned lines of the chorus and verses and Ciara assured him she’d do the harmony on the chorus since she knew the tune. Neither really paid attention to the lyrics or anything else…that’d be fed to them through the monitor. Who cared at this point?

“You two almost ready? Can’t give extra time just because you don’t know it now!” Nick looked up from their pow-wow and glared at Howie. He had this planned all along…humiliate Blondie before jumping ship. Asshole. “Alright, D…we’re ready.” Cue to the DJ and the song began.

Nick pulled her in close and Ciara looked up at him questioningly. “Well, it’s a love song isn’t it? Gotta give the right emotion here.”

“Hush up…you’re on…”

“Oh, yeah…” He looked down at the monitor and started singing. Bastard. He did it perfectly.

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful Stop me and steal my breath

Word recognition immediately hit home. The strands in her eyes…they’d always stopped him in his tracks.

Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky

Never revealing their depth

Nope…never. There was always something she kept hidden from him. Always. Slowly, the audience disappeared and Nick couldn’t take his eyes off of his partner. He was singing TO her. Screw the silly contest.

Tell me that we belong together

Dress it up with the trappings of love

I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips

Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above Ah yes, those things…gallows of heartache. They’d both had their share and somehow she never had let go of hers. Maybe now it was time.

He took a deep breath and started the chorus…still unfamiliar with the coming words.

I'll be your cryin' shoulder

Now it was her turn. He always loved her voice.

I'll be love’s suicide

Suddenly they looked at the lyrics. These next two lines were written for them. Nick first:

I'll be better when I'm older

Yeah, he would be…and he already was…Ciara got it too and was in complete oblivion to the couple hundred eyes watching their every move. This was a love song; a love moment. No one else mattered. Ciara’s line:

I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Ciara continued with the next verse. She knew this by heart and knew Nick’s memorization skills…he had the chorus under his belt already. She took his hands and turned toward him, again forgetting the presence of anyone else in the room…almost.

Rain falls angry on the tin roof

As we lie awake in my bed

Heheh…yeah, there WAS a crowd wasn’t there? That’d explain the blush that just washed over her face. Felt like the audience just walked into their bedroom. Eek. To hell with them; these next lines were her favorite.

You're my survival, you're my living proof

My love is alive and not dead

She almost didn’t get that out…but she had to. The song wouldn’t stop for her. As she sang though, it occurred to her that her love was no longer dead now was it? And it was because of Nick…

Tell me that we belong together

Dress it up with the trappings of love

I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips

Dear God, those lips of his…

Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above Now they had it…the song, the lyrics, the emotion. The crowd probably figured they were just putting on a great show, but the truth was, they were in their own world. A true turning point. And as usual in Nick’s life…it wasn’t private like it should be. But, right now he didn’t care. Ciara added some harmony to Nick’s lines and he could barely contain the smile jumping from his heart.

I'll be your cryin' shoulder

I'll be love suicide

I'll be better when I'm older

I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Bridge time…Ciara took it. And she knew these words in a way even the song’s author probably didn’t understand.

Oh, I've dropped out, burned up,

I’ve fought my way back from the dead

Now for Nick:

Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things you said And they brought the song home. Finally turning away from each other and playing to the crowd. Ciara continued with harmony, Nick adlibbed his heart out and the crowd sat silent in amazement of what had just happened right before their eyes. Any thoughts of doubt about “this chick” with Nick were cast aside as they saw the love in his eyes. The love in hers.

I'll be your cryin' shoulder

I'll be love suicide

I'll be better when I'm older

I'll be the greatest fan of your life

As the final line repeated, they turned to one another again, shutting out the room. Ciara gently touched his cheek as she sang the final line.

The greatest fan of your life.

Silence. No applause. Nothing. For a second. Finally Howie stood and began the applause knowing that when Nick and Ciara snapped out of their trance they’d be embarrassed to have all these eyes on their obviously very private moment. Nick blinked and looked up to Howie, motioning that he and Ciara were leaving. Howie couldn’t argue with the man.

“Alright, ladies and gentlemen! That was a wonderful…uh…performance. Nick and Ciara had to uh…yeah, let’s put up a vote for the five other contestants, please. By audience applause.”

***

Without a word, Nick led Ciara out into the hall. They quickly walked as far from the lounge as possible without completely making it to the elevator. Unable to take it anymore, and no longer caring “what people might think,” Nick pushed her against the wall and passionately took her in a deep, sensual kiss.

She didn’t fight him, she just relaxed against the wall wishing the world would go away so they could share their passions right there in the hall. It had to be what? Three? Four MILES to their room?

Gasping for air, he pulled back, looking deep into her eyes. “What the HELL just happened in there?”

“I was hoping you’d tell me…I have no idea.” She nervously ran a hand through her hair, looking up and down the hall. For what? Who knew…but she couldn’t look at him. She was suddenly feeling too vulnerable.

“And I don’t care…come on.” He pulled her by the hand and almost jogged to the elevators. Punching the numbers furiously hoping to get the thing to move more quickly, he leaned back against the corner when the doors finally shut. “Come here.” She came to him, nestling in the spot between his legs again and finally met his eyes.

“You promise me you didn’t plan that out? None of it was an act?”

“None of it, Nick. I swear. I agreed to sing with you because Howie begs like a damned homeless dog. But that song? What happened? No way would I have agreed to that. It was too…too…”

“Personal.”

“Yeah. And…I’ve never thought of that song that way before and…” He silenced her with another kiss, which was rudely interrupted by the dinging of the elevator bell, allowing a few more passengers in. Ciara stepped to Nick’s side, holding his hand for dear life.

Fortunately, the couple that got on the elevator was quite a bit older. To them, they had just joined a young couple in love, no more.

Finally reaching their floor, they excused themselves past the intruders and quickly made their way to their cabin.

He shut the door behind her as she entered and immediately pressed her back against it with another breathless kiss. Their tongues danced as though they’d just met and their hands traveled all over each other wanting to feel everything. They wanted to talk, yet they wanted to just engulf themselves in one another.

Finally Nick pulled back from the kiss and started fumbling for words. He sucked at this.

He really did. But he had to say SOMEthing to work through the emotions he felt during that silly song.

Taking her hand in his, he guided her to the couch and sat down, pulling her on his lap.

His fingers played with hers as he tried to come up with something to say that didn’t sound stupid or trite or…god forbid, so far over the edge that it’d push her away. Good thing was, she couldn’t go far. The boat was only so big. But tomorrow? Tomorrow the cruise ended and she could run. He couldn’t bear the thought.

“Ciara…”

“Nick, don’t feel like we have to talk this through. I don’t even know what to…” He put his finger to her lips. “Please, let me try. I just…I have to do this.”

“Okay…”

“I don’t know what all of that meant in there and I sure as hell wish it hadn’t happened in front of a ton of people, but…”

“Yeah, no kidding…”

“Well, I guess I just have one question to ask.”

“Hit me.”

He stopped fumbling, stopped his heavy breathing and just took her in. With a deep breath, he finally asked, “Can I come in now? I mean, totally and completely. Did you finally just…can I come in?”

She just sat and looked at him. Her eyes slowly scanned over his whole face…the wisps of hair falling over his eyebrows, the blush on his cheeks from nerves, the glow of the faint light in the room reflecting in his eyes and bouncing from his earrings. And his mouth. Slightly open, waiting, wondering, inviting. She leaned in and brushed her lips to his, not being able to deny an invitation. Pulling back, his expression hadn’t changed.

He wanted an answer and was obviously going to wait to get one. Here goes nothing.

“Nick. I have a secret.”

“Tell me…I hate secrets.”

“You’ve always been in here. From the day I first met you and you were just a cute little boy who made me a peanut butter sandwich. I just…I kept the blinds shut I guess to protect myself, but…”

“Always? You mean I’ve been working my ass off these last few months for nothing?”

“Working? Me? I’m work?” She smiled at him knowing full well the answer to that question. Hell yes, she was work.

“You know what I mean…I mean…since when? ALWAYS?”

“Always. I mean, it obviously changed over the years, but yeah…only you could get in. I never knew why. Maybe because you snuck in before I closed off…or because you’ve never hurt me...I don’t know, but from the first time you smiled at me, you took residence in my heart and…”

“Always?”

She chuckled at him…he could be so innocent and so sexy all in the same breath.

Dammit. “Always, Nick. But now…now that you know my secret…”

“Yeah, Ci. Now what?”

“Now, just make love to me. Like you never have before, Nick. Make love to me.” A smile was his final word as he lifted her from his lap and carried her to the bed.

Making love to her? To Ciara? Now that was easy.

***

“Good morning, Baby.” Nick leaned down and kissed Ciara’s forehead…possibly the one spot he’d missed the night before. Then again, probably not. He didn’t think any flesh went untouched.

“Mmmm…’morning.” She slowly sat up and stretched, moaning at the aches and pains that greeted her every morning. “We have to leave this place today, huh?”

“Yeah, we do…but I’m kind of excited to get back home.”

“You are? Why?”

“Because…you’ll be there.”

“I’ve always been in Tampa, Nick.”

“Okay, but now you’re here,” he said pointing to his chest. “And not just in my hopeful imagination, but I know it now. Home seems better now.”

“Ah…yeah, well…that does make a difference, doesn’t it?”

“It does to me.”

“Okay, then…let’s go home.”

Chapter Twenty Five

“We’re finally here. I thought we’d never make it.”

“No kidding…that traffic was awful.”

“Thanks for the ride again, Nick. I just…night is hard for me.”

“It’s okay. I like driving your car anyway.”

“Yeah, that’s right…so did you get your car-gasm out of the way? And do I need to clean up the seat now?”

“Oh that’s just GROSS! No, car-gasms aren’t sticky.” Nick giggled and hopped out of the car waiting for her to come around to his side for a hug.

“Mmmm…I like that you’re taller. Makes hugging nicer. You okay to drive home?”

”I just drove you from Orlando…I think I can make it across town to my house, yeah.”

“I know, I know…I’m just not used to this. Okay, thanks for a great day.”

“Thanks for comin’. And Ci?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really sorry about dinner. I didn’t know you were there and…”

“Stop. Don’t worry about it. I’ve laid a lot on you. And Lindsey has a way of bringing out the worst in people. We’re fine.”

“Are we?”

“Always, Nick. Now, drive safe and keep in touch with me…I miss you like mad.”

“Well, I’ll be around here and Orlando for a few weeks. We’re finally recording.”

“Why didn’t I know this?”

“Um…I dunno. Maybe I forgot to tell you. Got all gasm’d out in your car.”

“Okay, we really need to STOP it with that…I can’t deal with a sexual Nicky yet.”

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. But yeah. Like a month maybe? Maybe you can bring Aaron out to the studio for mom or something.”

“Hey, that sounds great. I’ll do that.”

With another quick hug, Nick jogged to his car and took off, leaving her standing in the parking lot to watch the tail lights of his truck disappear into the night.

“Damn, that kid…he’s not supposed to grow up yet.”

***

“Okay, Jane…I’ll pick him up tomorrow at 8. Bye!” Ciara clicked off her phone and promptly jumped out of her skin as it immediately rang back at her.

“JESUS! Hello?”

“Ciara? You okay? It’s, uh…it’s Linds.”

Well, shit. “Yeah…yeah, I’m fine.” I guess I’ll sit back down now. “I JUST hung up from another call. Scared the shit outta me.”

“Sorry…um, can we get together soon? I think maybe we need to talk.”

“I think maybe you’re right. I’ve got some time in a couple of days.”

“Oh…well, I was hoping tomorrow…”

“Sorry. I’m taking Aaron to Orlando for a photo shoot and the guys’ recording session, so…”

“Orlando? Why are you taking the kid?”

“Cuz Les and Angel are sick and the kid has some modeling thing to do.” The kid? Why was she always so damned confrontational?

“Oh…wait a minute. Recording? The guys? I thought they went back to…oh shit.”

“What, Linds? You didn’t know they were still around?” Nothing. Kevin had finally been caught, or so it seemed. And just as expected, Ciara was right there to pick up the pieces.

Finally, Lindsey found her voice. “No, Kevin told me they were heading back to Europe right after the Disney stuff…”

“Oh, God, Linds. Um, yeah, from what I gather all five of them are still there, at least for another week. Maybe Kevin went back for something else and is joining them later?”

“Do you really believe that?”

“No, not really. I’m just grasping at straws here. I’m sorry, Lindsey.”

“Yeah, I bet you are. You hated Kevin from the start.”

“This has nothing to do with my feelings for Kevin, Linds. He lied to you and I’m sorry.”

“Shit. Well, uh, you and I still need to talk. I’ve been a complete bitch to you and I just…”

“Stop. Just hearing you realize it is fine with me. What else is there to talk about?”

“I dunno. Maybe we’ll go to a movie or something?”

And that was that. What was there to talk about anyway? She’d been a bitch, she admitted it and now she’d found out about Kevin. The rest was just girl stuff and they could work that out over a sale rack at The Limited. At least they were talking again.

Ciara had to trust that it would be okay from there. She couldn’t be alone. Not completely anyway.

***

“Okay, Aaron…a little to the left now. Look up a bit. Great.” Snap. “Now down.” Snap.

“Turn your back to us and look over your shoul…yeah, like that.” Snap. “Okay, now just free style it a bit. No big moves; real casual.” Snap. Snap. Snap. “Great! That does it today, Aaron. Nice job.”

“Thanks.” The young boy hopped down from the stage he’d been working on rolling into a somersault landing right at Ciara’s feet. “Let’s go see Nick.” She held her hands out for him to “help” her up and they both groaned to stand. “We’ll head that way, but I have to call first to make sure they’re still there.”

“Aw, man…did we miss ‘em? I wanted to see them record stuff!” Wrapping her arm around his shoulder, she led him out to her car and popped him in the behind as he slid in his seat. Joining him inside, she had to stop for a minute to look at him.

“What?”

She simply shook her head. “Nothing. Just getting deja vu. And we’ll see them record.

We’ve got tomorrow if nothing else.”

“What’s deja vu?”

“It’s where you experience something but feel like you’ve already done it before.”

“Oh…” He didn’t get it. It didn’t matter. She was still freaking out over how much this little thing emulated his big brother. Mannerisms, speech. She felt like she was meeting Nick again for the first time, only Aaron was younger than Nick had been. Somehow though, he seemed older than his 8 years.

As they drove, she called Nick’s cell and decided it’d be better to meet them at the hotel.

They weren’t done, but were at a point where little brother might be a nuisance.

Tomorrow would be a better day.

But today Aaron would pout. He missed Nick and he wanted to see him working. One day was at least an entire eternity. So, for a few hours, Ciara had some entertaining to do.

She was failing miserably. Even at an arcade. This was NOT good.

“Okay, kiddo. I think it’s safe to go to the hotel. The guys should be there by now.”

“Yeah, okay.” He hopped off the game he’d been playing and slumped alongside Ciara.

You’d have thought his dog just died.

Lou had arranged for her to have a room on their floor and Aaron could just stay with Nick. They got her key and made their way up to the her room. “Aaron. Are you sure you’re just upset about missing Nick? You seem so down.”

“Yeah, I guess so. But he’s here now, right?”

“Yep. At least he said he would be by now. We’ll go knock on his door before we even go to my room, okay?”

That lit him up. “Can we?”

“Sure.” She ruffled his hair and planted a kiss on his forehead. She never realized how lost Aaron would be without Nick by his side all the time. Poor thing really did miss him.

They approached his door and Ciara put a finger to her lips so she could listen inside.

Whispering, “Okay, he’s here…let’s surprise him.”

“How?”

“Like this…shhhh.” She knocked on his door and from far back in the room, they heard him call.

“Who is it?”

Ciara lowered her voice, trying not to the let giggle sneak out. “Room Service for Mr.

Carter.”

They heard Nick’s footsteps and Ciara moved out of the way pushing Aaron to stand right in front of the door. He giggled hearing his brother mumble something about not ordering any room service and jumped when the older boy whipped the door open.

Quickly returning back to their plan, Aaron opened his arms wide. “What’s for dinner, bro?”

“Aiiiiigggghhhh! Aaron!” He scooped the smaller boy into his arms, planting a sloppy kiss on his cheek. “Where’s Ci? Did you wear her out already?”

“She’s right her-….where is she?” She was gone. Slipped into her room to allow the boys to be alone for a bit. “She was right here.”

“She’s sneaky that way, come on…I’ve got Nintendo set up already.” He knew what she was up to and appreciated it. He’d call her a bit later. Right now it was time to catch up with his brother. Nothing else really mattered.

***

After pizza with Bri, AJ and Howie and getting her clock cleaned by Brian at video games, Ciara decided to turn in. Obviously Nick and Aaron were having the time of their lives. No one had seen nor heard of them since her arrival.

She hated sleeping in hotels…always did so much better at home. Sleep for an hour, toss and turn for an hour. She was grateful she’d be back in her own room by tomorrow. How did these guys do it away from home so much? She’d never manage.

After watching the clock change from 2:30 to 3:40 a.m. she was finally dozing off to what could possibly be a good sleep. Unfortunately, it was not to be. The ringing phone jolted her out of the beginnings of a promising dream.

“This had better be good.”

“Cici, I’m so sorry. It’s Nick. Aaron’s sick. Can you…” She immediately hung up the phone and ran to Nick’s room. He was still holding the receiver in his hand when he heard her knocking frantically on the door. “God, that was fast…”

“Is he okay? What’s wrong? Should I call your mom?”

“Ciara, calm down…he has a really high fever. I thought you were the nurse here.” He had to chuckle at the panic in her voice, on her face. Panic was definitely something he’d never seen in her before.

“Well, not quite…months away and I’ve never known my patients…I worry.” She walked over to the sleeping boy in the bed and caressed his forehead. “Oh Jesus, he is burning up. How’d he act tonight?”

“Eh, okay…a bit less hyper than usual. Kinda weepy now that I think of it.”

“You know, he was more depressed than I expected when we couldn’t see you at the studio today too. I bet he was just not feeling good.”

“So now what do we do?”

“Well, he’s sleeping, but you really shouldn’t be around him, Nick. You’ve got to record and then head out again…you don’t have time to be sick.”

“No, not really, but…”

“Mommmmmmmyyyyyy…..” Aaron stirred but still seemed to be somewhat asleep.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Ciara brushed back his sweaty hair from his brow and tucked the blanket up under his chin. “Honey, it’s Cici. Mommy’s not here. You okay?”

“No…I hurt. I’m cold. My throat hurts.”

“Yeah…can I take you to my room and take care of you?”

“No, I don’t wanna leave Nick.”

“Aw, honey…you don’t want Nick to get sick now do you?”

“Yes.”

Nick and Ciara had to laugh at that. He was still Aaron…just not quite right. “Ci, you can stay here with us tonight. I don’t mind…or I can probably manage okay. He just kinda scared me.”

“Well, it’s up to you. I just don’t want you to get sick and he’ll be restless all night I bet.

Why don’t you go to my room so we don’t have to move him?” Aaron shot out of bed like he’d been shocked. “NO! Nick stays here.” He slapped the left side of the bed. “Cici stays here.” Slapping the right side of the bed, he plopped back down on his the pillow. Sitting up was definitely not good.

Nick and Ciara exchanged helpless glances. “It’s a big bed. We’ll all fit.” Reluctantly, Ciara agreed. Somehow this felt silly and wrong and…she wasn’t quite sure why. But Aaron was sicker than a dog and would probably want some “mommy care”.

She could do that. “Okay, let me go get a few things for morning and I’ll be right back.

Does Lou have a doc here we can call? Or AJ or something? I’m hunching it’s just strep.

A good antibiotic and he’ll be fine by tomorrow night.”

“Yeah, I think so. Can we wait ‘til morning?”

“Oh yeah, nothing we can do about it now.” Ciara grabbed her room key and started to the door.

“Ci?”

“Yeah, hon…”

“Nice jammies, by the way.” Nick smiled shyly and walked to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Ciara just looked down and blushed. A lace teddy. A skimpy lace teddy no less.

She loved wearing next to nothing to bed. And here she was…wearing next to nothing.

Jesus. Hopefully she packed some sweats…

***

By 5:00 Ciara had Aaron in the bathtub trying to get his fever down. The boy sat in a daze and just let Ciara run the tepid water over his back and stomach, talking to him in soothing tones and hoping she was being some sort of help. This was NOT the way this trip was planned.

Nick stumbled into the bathroom after waking to find his bed empty and stopped cold watching Ciara being so gentle and patient with his brother. The kid looked like hell, bright red cheeks, dull, dark eyes and absolutely no expression on his face. Normally when his mom had to do this for a fever, he’d scream bloody murder the entire time. But now he was totally calm, totally peaceful. Ciara was working magic on him.

“Is he okay, Ci? Should we call someone now?”

“Oh! Hey…you scared me. Yeah, he’s okay. Fever’s coming down a bit I think. He just spiked a goody there.”

“I’m glad you’re here. He normally screams when Mom does this. I’m sure it’d be great with me doing it.”

“Aw, you’d be okay. I just know what I liked when I was sick and scared. You should go back to bed though. You have a full day tomorrow.”

“The bed’s too empty now. You almost done?” Nick yawned and plopped onto the closed seat of the toilet jumping back when his bare toes brushed against Ciara’s bare leg.

Damn…he’d seen her in bathing suits for years…played in the water with her even. Why was this suddenly uncomfortable?

“Yep, almost. Aaron? You ready to go back to bed now, buddy?” He silently nodded and let Ciara pull him out of the water. Nick held the towel open and wrapped him in it, hugging his brother tightly. “He’s still so hot, Ci…you sure he’s okay?”

“Yeah. It’s really okay. A fever is his way of fighting the infection. We’ll get some meds in him tomorrow morning and he’ll be good as new. His throat is covered in white shit.”

“Yuck. Is this what Les and Angel have too?” He kept cradling his brother, not remembering him this sick in a long time. He didn’t like it one bit.

“I think so, yeah. So any doc should prescribe something without seeing him. He’ll be okay.” Brushing a hand through Aaron’s long hair again, she took the towel from him and slid his nightshirt back over his head and helped him step back into his briefs.

“Okay, buddy…Nicky’s gonna tuck you in again.”

“K…thanks, Cici.” The little blonde boy laid his head on the big blonde boy as he was carried back to bed. Ciara followed after pulling the plug in the tub and drying off the floor from escaped water.

She had to smile at the scene before her. Nick was just as gentle as any mom could be with his brother. He talked just as soothingly, kissed his brow with as much love and tucked him in with as much care as any mom, any nurse, any caretaker ever could. Not an easy crier, but yet a tired woman, she was surprised to find tears running down her face. Dammit.

Nick stood and walked over to her, also surprised to see her crying. “Ci? What’s up?” She quickly looked down and tried to make her way to the bed, but Nick stopped her.

Okay, this was weird. Her heart was racing and for the first time since she’d known him, she was nervous to be near him. Granted he was dressed only in boxers and she never did find anything else to wear but that damned teddy. But he was 16…a scrawny 16 yr.

old kid. And she? She was 21…and this was Nick for God’s sake. He could NOT have an effect on her. It was just…wrong.

But he did…and she did. And neither knew what to do with it. It didn’t help that the teddy was also damp in just the right spots from giving Aaron the bath. Nope. Didn’t help Nick one little bit. Finally, he moved aside. He always thought Ciara was beautiful, but this? This was too weird. She was just Cici…just his friend. A much older woman.

But, damn she looked incredible and…why wasn’t she answering his question?

“Ci?”

“I’m okay, Nick. Just worried about him. Let’s try to get some sleep, huh?” She slid into the bed giving Aaron’s head one more kiss, hoping sleep would come soon and she’d see this had just been a very weird, odd dream.

***

“Thanks, Lou! We’ll get him fixed up.” Ciara closed the door not wanting any more contact with that man than absolutely necessary. He gave her the creeps. The guys seemed to trust him, but all she could see was a slimy used car salesman when she looked at him. But today he’d pulled strings and she had a bottle of Amoxil and Children’s Tylenol in her hands. He was, at least for the moment, her hero.

“Okay, Aaron, we’ve got some medicine finally. Sit up and you’ll feel better in no time.” Aaron dutifully sat up and took the medicines grimacing as it passed over his sore throat.

“Yuck. I don’t like that red stuff.”

“That’s why I did it first. Time for the yummy stuff.”

“Yeah! I could drink all of that!”

Ciara chuckled and ruffled his hair. “Let’s go a dose at a time. You’re sick enough already.”

“Did Lou bring the meds?” Nick came out of the shower throwing a shirt over his head.

“Yep! I like that pink stuff!”

“It’s good, isn’t it? So, uh…I guess you all can’t come to the studio today now, huh?”

“Cici!!!!!!! I wanna goooooooo!” There were the tears Nick had talked about last night.

“Aw, honey. You can’t infect everyone. You really should stay away from people for another day.” Ciara wrapped her arms around the boy, relieved that he already felt cooler to her touch.

“Think maybe later on? After he’s had a couple of doses?”

“Yeah, I suppose so. I’d just hate if any of you other guys got sick.”

“We’ll live. What about you, Ci?”

“Don’t worry about me…okay, Aaron? What about later today, huh?” Sniff. Sniff. Wipe. Wipe. His dark eyes met hers and a smile crossed his face for the first time in hours. “Okay. Can we play Nintendo while they’re gone?”

“Absolutely! You need to teach me some tricks so I can beat Nick.”

“You don’t need tricks to beat Nick. He sucks.”

“Aaron!!!! I just let you win.”

“Alright boys. I need to go clean up my room. I snuck over and ate already before you woke up. You hungry, Aaron?”

“Thirsty. A little hungry.”

“I gotta go, Ci…you okay here?”

“Yep…we’ll try to get out later.” Looking at Aaron’s eyes well up again, she corrected herself. “We WILL get out later.”

“Yes, you will. Okay, Aaron…” he leaned down and kissed his brother’s forehead, “…and Ci,” he did the same for her but stayed near her face, “…thanks, by the way.” He stood up and walked to the door. “I’m off. Don’t go easy on her with the gaming, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah…go to work. We’re fine.” Aaron stuck his tongue out at his brother and plopped back onto the pillows as soon as he closed the door. “I’m tired again.”

“Take a nap, sweetie. I’m gonna go clean up my stuff next door.”

“Ciara?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think you’ll marry Nick someday?”

“What!?” Dear God. “I don’t think so, honey. I’m too old for Nicky.”

“No you’re not. He loves you, you know.”

“He doesn’t know what love is, Aaron…go to sleep.”

“I do…he loves you...and I think you love him too.”

***

Let's have a party

Everybody throw your hands up In the air

Everybody

I like the way you swing yeah

Everybody

Girl you know mmmmm

You're looking good

Let's have a party

Girl you gotta work that body

Dear God what kind of lyrics were they singing? And wasn’t that the BABY on lead? Jeez.

Ciara waved at Brian in the booth as he sang his part and smiled uncomfortably at Kevin, who so happened to have his arms wrapped around some tall blonde thing. Nice.

Spinning around from the sound table, AJ grabbed Aaron and started a tickle fest wild enough to disrupt not only this recording session but any others in the building. Ciara was always amazed how quickly Amoxil worked on strep throat. Truly a miracle drug.

Aaron was almost back to normal already, although he was still sporting a low grade fever. Nothing major.

Finally breaking free from AJ’s hold, Aaron fled back to Ciara’s arms. “Where’s Nick? I wanna hear him sing.”

“He’s taking a quick break, kiddo. He’ll be back in a few. You feeling better?” For all of AJ’s bad guy crap, he was a softy. His eyes could melt an iceberg.

“Yeah, I’m better. I’m tired though.”

“Well, I’ll get you home in your own bed tonight. You’ll sleep better without me and Nicky bumping into you all the time.”

“Woah! You AND Nick? He didn’t tell us that little detail!”

“Oh put it back in your pants AJ…innocent. Aaron in the middle of a big ole king-sized bed. You are the horniest horn dog….”

“Don’t you know it, baby. Come on, Aaron. Let’s go find Romeo-er…Nick. See if he’s eating too much.”

And they were out. Thank God. The last thing she needed was to be tormented about romancing Nicky.

She sat back and watched Brian work. His voice was like satin, even with a goofy song like this one. He listened to the direction of the producer, changing inflection, dynamics, diction as needed. It was amazing to watch. The other parts were already on a track so he was just adding his to the mix. She could have watched for days. This process always intrigued her.

“Uh, Ciara…can I talk to you for a minute?”

It was Kevin. Looking surprisingly subdued and dare she think…repentant? It couldn’t possibly be. “Yeah, sure…wanna step outside?”

“Yeah…” Turning back to his friend, “I’ll be back Kristin.”

“What can I do you for, Kev? Seems you’ve got your hands full enough there.”

“Ciara look. It’s just that…I’ve known Kristin…we’ve been seeing each other since…I mean…” He ran his hand through his hair and shifted his weight from foot to foot trying to stumble through some sort of explanation that really wasn’t necessary. At least to Ciara.

“Look. Let me just relieve you here. You owe me nothing. No explanations. No excuses.

No lies, no tales. Lindsey however, you owe a lot. How ‘bout you get your story straight and tell her? Don’t waste my time, okay?”

“But I feel like I’ve betrayed you too…somehow.”

“You haven’t. There has to be trust first and I’ve never trusted you. Kevin, I don’t know your game and frankly, I don’t care. All I know is last I talked to Lindsey she thought you were back in Europe and was devastated to find out otherwise. I’m not gonna get between the two of you any further than that. I’m here for Nick and Aaron. Period. What hole you decide to plant your dick into is entirely your business.”

“You’re a piece of work, you know that?”

“Yeah, a real charmer. Are we done?”

“I suppose we are.”

“Just do Lindsey a favor and end it okay? She’s star struck. Pure and simple. Don’t do that to her.”

Ciara quietly made her way back in the building and into the studio where the boys were working. Nick, Aaron and Howie had returned although Aaron looked like he was in need of another nap. He was wrapped up in a blanket looking quite pooped.

He walked over to Ciara with the blanket still around him and opened his arms making him look like a bat. Climbing up on her lap, he wrapped them both up in the warmth of the blanket as he laid his head on her shoulder and settled his arms around her neck.

“You tired, buddy?”

“Yep. I dun wanna leave though.”

“Okay, just rest here a bit. You comfy?”

“Yep. You’re warm and soft.”

“Let’s see if you’re still warm.” She pulled him back and felt his forehead, kissing the end of his nose. “Just a little. Not much. Snuggle in now.” And he did. She could feel his breathing become slower and slower ‘til eventually a soft snore escaped his lips and she could lay him on the couch in the lounge area of the studio.

“Is she always like this, Nick?” AJ couldn’t stop watching her with the young boy.

“Like what?” Typical Nick oblivion to the obvious.

“With Aaron…with everyone. By the way, hear you slept with her last night.”

“I did NOT SLEEP with her. We slept in a big ole bed with my brother. That’s CIARA, AJ! I can’t…you’re sick.”

“Eh, we’re gonna get that cherry of yours popped yet.”

“Well, that’s fine with me, but NOT with Ciara. No.”

“You like her…admit it.”

“I do, but not like that.” He was blushing. Dammit, he could feel the heat rising up his face and down…dammit.

“Maybe not now. Your age difference is too big right now, but some day…you mark my words. Some day Nick, you and Ci will share a bed with out your brother.”

“Shut up, AJ…it’s your turn in there.”

And so the day went. Finally it was time to head home. Aaron went from sleeping to running all over the place, to sleeping to running. CIARA was exhausted. He slept on the way home and she was able to just carry him to bed, happy that he was, for the first time in 24 hrs. cool to the touch.

“Call me if you need anything, Jane. He should be fine though.”

“Thanks for taking care of him. My hands were full enough here. The girls are still struggling.”

“Anytime, Jane. I mean it.”

Ciara slid into her car and just sat enjoying the silence for a few minutes. So much had gone on in the past few days, yet nothing had really changed. Or had it? She and Lindsey were talking, something incredibly funky happened between her and Nick and after taking care of Aaron, she was sure her career was directed on the right path. This had to be the sign of an upswing in her life. It just had to.

Chapter Twenty Six

Ciara pulled into her garage and groaned as she opened the trunk of her car seeing the huge assortment of bags and packages taunting her. “Last time I take a cruise a week before Christmas!” It pained her to think how much money she’d just cranked out and pained her even more that all of this had to be wrapped in no less than 2 days. Maybe she should have spoken more seriously to the Jehovah’s Witness who visited before the cruise. This was insanity.

The only motivation ahead of her was a quiet night with Nick. A private one. No fans. No food poisoning. No managers. No bodyguards. No sea-sickness. No nothing. Just Nick and Ciara. But, she had a few things to get done first…like putting a dent in the wrapping. Might be difficult though as he was already here. Such a distraction.

She closed the garage door, sliding her last bag into the foyer. Grumbling one last time, she looped as many bags on her arms as she could and took them to the back room to start wrapping. Nice of Nick to be there and not available to help. Twit. Where was he anyway?

As she approached the guest room, she stopped in her tracks, hearing Christmas music and then the sounds of his voice joining in with the CD. What was he doing in there? She put the bags down and went back to retrieve a few more, chuckling at the image she had of him trying to wrap gifts.

With the last bunch on her arms, she plopped them on the hallway floor again and just listened. He was singing lightly, letting his voice blend in perfectly with the recording.

He pulled a few harmonies from the instrumentation and made a duet with the soloist.

Oh, she could get real used to this.

“Hark, the herald angels sing; Glory to th-…JESUS CHRIST!” Ciara smacked her hand over her mouth to stifle the laughter threatening to give her away. He WAS wrapping. Oh God.

“Joyful all ye nations rise; join the triumph of the skies. With the angelic host proclaim, What the HELL!? Damn!”

More rattling of paper. Oops. That sounded like a tape dispenser on the floor. Why, oh why hadn’t she set up a hidden camera in there before she left?

“Hark! The herald angels sing! Glory to the newborn GOD! I canNOT do this!” Well, at least he kept trying. Maybe she should go save him. Still stifling a giggle, she hesitantly tapped on the door. “Nick?”

“CI!? Shit…do NOT come in here!”

She pulled back, again covering her mouth in laughter, picturing him completely wrapped up in a roll of Santa paper. Or worse yet, Power Puff Girls. Found it on sale for the nephews. That ought to be rich. “I’m not comin’ in. Do you need some help?”

“NO!” There went the knife. More paper rattling. Maybe she forgot something at the store and should come back later. “YES! Damn. Just…just don’t come in here.”

“Okay….how do you propose I help you from out here?”

She could hear him sigh…imagining him running one hand through that hair, the other hand on his hip, putting his weight on one leg and a big ole pout all over his face. “I don’t know. I just…I wanted…I feel like an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot. Don’t you normally just pay someone to do this?” Why am I yelling at him through a door in MY house?

“Yes, but I wanted to…AAARRRGGH!” MAJOR paper rattling. It probably was airborne by now. The herald angels had surely taken off to hark somewhere else…or sing…or whatever it was they did in that song.

Hard as she tried, she couldn’t wipe the smile out of her voice. “Nick, do you have something for your mom or someone that we can wrap together?”

“Uh, yeah…right here.”

“Okay, put whatever you’re working on away and let me come help you. Then you can do mine later.”

Silence. More paper rattling, only not as frantic sounding. She didn’t know he could be so entertaining at the holidays. This was good. “Okay, you can come in now.”

“No, you can come out now. Help me carry this shit in there.” The door slowly creaked open and he peeked out, face flush with either embarrassment or frustration. Or both. Either way, it was irresistible. “Hi.” She smiled at him and shook her head carting a few bags past him into the room. “Hello.

Help.” Stopping dead in her tracks, she released the bags on her arms to fall precariously all over the floor. “Oh my God, Nick. What the hell have you been…?” Two complete rolls of paper were unrolled all over her work table. Scraps of said rolls were strewn all over the floor accompanying the bag of bows that had escaped the confines of their packaging. Unused rolls of paper were laying in a pile, obviously having taken a plunge from the neat stack she had originally leaned against the wall. Her trash bag had even been upended. Thankfully the cylinders of ribbon were still intact, although on their sides. That would have been disastrous to clean up.

“I just wanted to wrap your present. How in the HELL do you do this?”

“Aw, Nick. You measure, cut, fold and tape. That’s about….” She looked at him a bit more closely, squinting at the light shining in the window. “Come here….look at me.” He put the last of the bags against the wall and leaned into her face, stealing a kiss.

“What?”

She gingerly peeled a piece of scotch tape from his cheek. “Were you missing this?” He blushed and stood up looking around at the mess he’d made. “Yeah, I think I’m missing my head to even try this. Why is this so complicated?”

“Cuz your mommy paid the nice ladies to wrap your gifts and never taught you like mine did? I dunno, Nick.” She looked down at his backside and finally let out the laugh she’d been keeping tucked away.

“What? You are NOT laughing at me!”

“Oh yeah I am. Gimme your butt, you dork.” She pulled off a piece of tape stuck to a ripped piece of wrapping paper. Too bad it wasn’t Power Puff…that would have been priceless. “YOU are a nuisance in here.” She stuck the tape on the end of his nose turning her attention to the mess in front of her. “Okay, what do we have to wrap?” He left the tape where she put it. What the hell…he was already humiliated. “I’ve got these necklaces I bought for Mom and the girls in Jamaica last week. Can we start with those?”

“Yep. These are easy. I like little ones.”

“I thought you liked ‘em big.” He wagged his eyes and bent down for another kiss.

Damn him. She wasn’t going to get anything done tonight was she? “Packages. I like small packages.” She giggled and took the tape from his nose and tossed it to the trash, picking up a few stray scraps while she was down there.

“Like I said….”

Standing back up and glaring through her smile, she smacked his butt and found a suitable style of paper for his mother’s gift. “You ARE a nuisance, Mr. Innuendo Man.

Now this one should be easy. No rolls. Just scraps.”

“But how do you know how big to make it?”

She turned and looked at him blankly. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“What? Seriously, Ci…I’ve never done this before.”

“Fame is a bitch. Okay, spread out this piece of paper, right side down.” He did as asked thinking she was right. What the hell good was it to sell out a 50,000

seat arena if you didn’t even know how to wrap a present for your girlfriend or mother.

Something was wrong with the reality in that.

“Now, this is obviously big enough, so you need to cut it. Wrap the sides around and mark where it just overlaps.”

“Mark how?”

“Good Lord…make a crease in the paper.”

“Ah…that makes sense. Okay.” Again, he did as told, marking the paper and pulling it out from under the box.

“Now fold at the crease and I get anal about now…make sure it’s lined up square and all.”

“You? Anal? Never.” He giggled and folded the paper up on the crease, checking the sides for alignment.

“You want help? I could just wrap you up in here, lock the door and throw away the key.”

“Sounds like the perfect Christmas present to me. Just feed me now and again and I think I could deal with that.”

“No sex if you’re wrapped up.”

“Ew…no…that won’t do. Okay, now what?”

“Crease it real tight with your fingers…you’re gonna slice it with the knife so it needs to be crisp.”

“Is THAT what the knife is here for? I think Mom used scissors.”

“Most people do. Hate ‘em. I use a knife.” She checked his progress and pulled him down for a kiss. “Doin’ good…now get the knife and slide it into the crease there. Just stroke it against the fold…real smooth and easy.”

“Stroke it, huh?”

“Nick…just do it. God, sometimes I’d think you’re still 12.”

“Sorry. Okay, stroking…” He slid the knife and ripped the paper. “Dammit.”

“Don’t slide…stroke.” Ciara couldn’t stop giggling. This was downright comical. “Can I show you?”

“Please.” He heaved a sigh and handed her the knife stepping aside.

“Okay, you just want to graze the fold, so it doesn’t rip…stroke it in rhythmmmmmmmm…..” He was not paying a bit of attention. He was kissing her neck.

“Stroke in rhythm. I think I can do that.”

His hot breath on her neck caused her to jolt and she, too ripped the paper. “Dammit.”

“You must not be stroking right…you ripped it too.” Quick nip to her ear lobe. Brat.

“Well, you’re not making this any easier.” Damn him. Don’t EVEN…yes, he did. Licked her neck just behind and beneath her ear. Foul play.

He stopped kissing and licking and reached around her taking the knife in his hand.

“Show me.”

He put his hands on top of hers, one holding the paper and one over the knife. She slid it back into the crease and started cutting one more time. She was also quite willing to play along with his little game. “Ready?”

“Always.” His voice was husky and deep and definitely not focused on wrapping presents.

“K, here we go…stroke, stroke, stroke…see? It cuts it perfectly.”

“Mmm-hmmm…just perfect. Uh, Ci…”

“Yeah?” She had stopped cutting and was just standing still enjoying his arms around her, his hands on hers and his breath on her neck.

“We’re at the end. Now what?”

“OH.” She opened her eyes and looked down. Yes, indeed. At the end. “Well…” She set the knife down and grabbed the box, making him pull back from her and giving her a clearer mind again. “Now we measure the other direction. You can cut this one.”

“This is where I always screwed it up. How do you know how long to make it to go up the sides.”

“You flunked geometry didn’t you?”

“No, but I hated math…why?”

“Common sense, sweetie. It’s gotta be more than half way up each side so it’ll fold over and cover it all.”

“Oh. Yeah. Heheh. Let me do it then.” He moved beside her and measured, creased and folded the paper like a pro.

“You’ve got it. Now cut it.”

“Ooooh…more stroking.”

“This is for your mother Nick…no more stroking.”

“Aw, man…” He flashed her a cheesy grin and went to work strok-, er…cutting the paper.

She watched his progress and decided to play a little dirty pool of her own. Staying beside him, she slowly ran her finger up his arm, swirling across his armband and then around his sun tattoos. She teased under the shoulder of his shirt and continued on up to his neck. With a feather light touch, she flipped her fingers over his neck, behind his ear and then up through his hair as far as she could reach.

“I’m gonna rip it again, Ci….”

“Eh, it’s just paper. We’ve got more.”

Suddenly not feeling her fingers toying with his senses, he let out a yelp. “Woohoo! I did it! No ripping! Okay, now what?”

Damn, she didn’t think he could resist that. She Kissed his arm and bent down to retrieve the tape that had landed on the floor after one his earlier tirades. “Fold and tape.”

“You mean crinkle and stick? This is not gonna be good.”

“Aw, have a little faith in your teacher, my dear. Alrighty, center your box on the paper and wrap it around. I turn it right side down so the front is always on top.”

“Do people actually notice that kind of thing?”

“Probably not. It’s how Daddy taught me. Now hush up and do it.”

“Yeah, yeah…okay.” He stuck the box in the center, front side down and started wrapping up the sides.

“Make sure it’s tight.”

“Mmmm…okay, I like it tight.” He held the paper with one hand while trying to retrieve the tape with the other. Sadly, his face had to cross in front of her to reach. Pity. Kiss.

Lick that bottom lip.

“Nickolas…”

“Yes?”

“This is for your MOTHER. You’re givin’ me the creeps.”

“Party pooper.” He stood upright and looked helplessly at his lack of hands to accomplish this next task. “Okay, how do I hold this and get the tape too? I’ll never be able to do this alone.”

She just shook her head at him again. So pitiful. “Use the side of your hand to hold the paper, grab the tape with that hand and pull with this one. How did you learn to feed yourself?”

“With a lot of mess to hear Mom tell it. Okay…” He somehow managed to get the tape out of the dispenser but the hold on the package let up in the process. “Ciara…tell me why I wanted to do this again?”

“Because you’re a glutton for punishment? Come on…put the tape on your finger and get the paper back…you can do this, goofball.”

And he did. Finally. Now for those damned sides. They frightened him. Hers always looked perfect. Symmetrical. Professional. His was going to look like a 4 yr. old had wrapped it.

“Okay, now you can fold the sides of the ends first or do it top to bottom…it’s up to you.”

“Top to bottom. Sides…I don’t care. What’s easiest?”

“Sides. Fold the sides in first…there you go. Now I do top down, then bottom up, so all the seams are facing the same.”

“My God, I had no idea you were so uptight about this.”

“Do you want them to look nice?”

“Yeah, but jeez, woman.” He folded the top down, bottom up and had a problem. “I’m out of hands again. And I can’t see what the hell I’m doing.”

“God, you whine. Get on your knees. You can see better. And the hands work the same way as on top.”

He happily got on his knees. Last time he was in this position with her was in the shower on the cruise. Nice memory. Worth repeating. “The hands work the same as on top, huh?” He tossed the tape on the table, turned from the package and cupped her breasts in his hands, kissing the soft flesh under her shirt.

That was it. End of lesson. She ran her hands through his hair and held him close as he kissed and kneaded at her breasts. He looked up and smiled into her eyes, loving the warmth he felt there.

“I’m not done wrapping yet, Ci…” There was that husky voice again. How did he DO

that?

“No, you’re not…kiss me…it’s the forgotten step.” She bent down and captured his lips in hers, letting her tongue run along his bottom lip and teeth.

Yep. Lesson over. He knew what to do from here, thank you very much. Wrapping his arms around her, he gently pulled her down to the floor and laid beside her kissing her face, neck and chest, running his hands up under her shirt and over her stomach. Before she knew it, her shirt was off and he was undoing the clasp of her bra, running his finger down her scar as the bra parted allowing her breasts to peek out of the satin.

She ran her hands down his chest and stomach, and stripped him of his shirt as well. He laid on top of her, moaning at the skin to skin contact and grinding his hips into hers.

And now, he didn’t want fabric between them. She’d been driving him crazy since she walked in the room. Flushed from carrying bags upstairs, stroke, stroke, make it tight.

Damn. He got up on his knees and quickly stripped her of her pants and immediately removed his own.

She spread her legs to make room for his and he lowered himself on all fours over her, taking a few moments to lick and suck at her nipples, dipping down to her belly button and back up again. God, she tasted so good. With one more taste of her neck, he lifted his head again and bore his eyes into hers as he slowly entered her.

They moaned together as their bodies joined and quickly found the rhythm they had been teasing about earlier. Stroke, stroke. Nick smiled shyly and she offered a quizzical look. “Stroke, stroke,” he finally croaked out.

She giggled and he moaned. Her laughter whenever he was inside of her made him crazy…made her walls tighten around him all the more. “By George, I think you’ve got it.”

With a slight smile, he increased his pace. No, this wasn’t going to last long, but they had all night. Little dinner, little wrapping, little lovemaking…well, a lot of lovemaking.

Mostly, they just wanted to enjoy every moment as they lived it. And now, they were definitely enjoying it.

As his pace increased, she wrapped her legs around him more tightly, kissing him passionately. He pulled away and looked deep into her eyes again, calling out her name as he came. He buried his head in her neck as she ran her fingers through his hair, struggling with her own breathing. She was so close.

He reluctantly slid out of her and laid beside her, running his hand down over her breasts and stomach and finally burying his fingers in her core. “Oh God, Ci…” She threw her head back and just enjoyed the dance of his fingers over her, inside her.

Before long, she too was calling out his name in release, amazed at how fantastic he could make her feel.

He pulled her in close as she started to relax from the high of the moment, kissing her forehead and rubbing her shoulders. He giggled as he pulled a stray piece of tape from her left breast. “Oops.”

Then, as though someone had turned on the CD player again, their attention turned to the music that had truthfully been serenading them all along.

“Joy to the world! The Lord has come!” They both fell back laughing hysterically.

“Oh God…that’s just sick!” But they couldn’t help but laugh…what sick timing.

“Repeat the sounding joy, baby!”

Chapter Twenty Seven

“Joy to the World! I’m finally done! Repeat the sounding joy! No more tests to wrack my brain! Ree-pe-ET, re-peeeeeeet the sound-ing JOY!”

“You okay, Ci?” Ciara’s mom turned from the sink looking at her daughter like she’d just grown a second head.

“Yes, mom, I’m fine. Can’t a girl celebrate her college graduation with a little private pomp and circumstance?” Twirl on her toes. Grab a glass of orange juice.

“Yeah, sure…whatever. Hurry up and get dressed; you’re gonna be late. Did you take your shot?”

What!? “Before breakfast, Mom.” Coming home, even for a night, was such a pain in the ass. Without question, Mom reverted back to, well…Mom and Ciara reverted back to a submissive, sick little girl. To say she hated it would be an understatement of great proportions. But, Mom wanted her home last night for some reason. Bonding or something. Unfortunately, she just felt bound not bonded.

The drive to USF was quiet and strained. Ciara sat in back with her little sister who was busy rambling on and on about her latest boyfriend. She went through men like Ciara went through syringes. Made Ciara sick. Mom and Dad prattled on in between sis’ words about the lousy traffic, horrific parking and the general pathetic state of the world today.

Such fun people to be with. She couldn’t wait to join her class in the line up and get away from the scene.

Ciara pulled the seating chart from her shorts pocket. You had to love a Florida graduation. Shorts, sandals, some even wore bathing suits underneath their gowns. No dress code required. Taking her seat, she silently moaned at her last name. She was sandwiched between Stanley Vwymer and a complete stranger from another department within the medical school. VWYMER for God’s sake. Total geek. Incompetent and incapable as a nurse. She prayed he’d get fired from his first job so no one lost their life at his hand.

The partner to her right showed up only moments before the ceremony began, huffing and puffing most likely from running up the football field to her seat. Breathlessly, she sat down and offered a huge smile and a hand shake. “Hi. Deanna Agriesti. PT. You?” Oh, Ciara liked her already. Direct, not afraid. “Hi. Ciara. Ciara Watkins. Nursing.”

“Wonder how long this gawd-awful thing is gonna last?”

“Too long I guarantee. I’m just happy to be away from my family at the moment.”

“Oh. Yeah, families can be a pain in the ass. I just wanna get to the parties! You headed to any after this?”

“Nope. Mom’s got some lame thing planned at home. Being the guest of honor I’d better show up.”

“Can you sneak out? There’s a great one at the student union planned. You should come.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Definitely sounds better than the finger food and bland talk at home.”

“No kidding. Yeah, it’ll go on all night I’m sure. Come on out and look me up.” And so it went. The ceremony was horrific of course. Gave the two girls plenty of opportunity to laugh though and by the end, she had Deanna’s phone number in one hand and a diploma…with honors, thank you very much, in the other. Suma Cum Laude.

Top 5% of her class. Yeah, she rocked.

***

And so did the parties on campus. Ciara was able to not only sneak out, but walk out.

Sometimes her ill health was a blessing. “Man, mom. I’m not feeling very well. I’m gonna head home,” always did the trick. Her mom knew she preferred her own bed when she was sick. Made getting away from family crap oh so much easier.

By morning, Ciara was regretting lying to her mom. Now she REALLY didn’t feel very well. How much alcohol had she thrown back anyway? And man, Deanna could DRINK!

But she was a blast to be with and she and Ciara felt an instant connection. Having a friend with a medical background was going to be a good thing. She’d understand Ciara’s situation without a sickening amount of pity attached to it. No fear, no pity, just understanding. Something Ciara had been waiting for since the day she was diagnosed 12 years prior.

She stumbled out of bed, put eye drops in so she could actually blink, and did a quick mental check on how to change her insulin to counteract the sick amount of alcohol in her blood stream. Was a little late now, but it would help anyway. Today would most likely suck all around no matter how you sliced it. How come the payment for a party never occurred to you until the next morning?

As she tossed her syringe in the trash, she groaned at hearing her phone ring…scream…whatever. Who turned up the volume on that bastard? Shuffling over to the shrill sound, she stuck her tongue out at her cat who seemed to be scolding her from her counter top. “I have one mother, thank you. Go…go shit in your box or something.”

“Yeah, hello?”

“CONGRATULAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATIONS!!!!!!!”

Sweet Jesus, who in the HELL? “Uh…thanks?”

Giggles and shh’s followed. “Ci…it’s Nick…and everyone else!”

“Ohhhhhh….hi guys.” She must have still been drunk. She actually waved. “Damn, did you add to your numbers? Sounds like more than 5.” Her head ached. He’s gonna die for this.

“We’ve got the whole crew here. Let me get off speaker.” Shuffle, mumble, “get OUT of here, AJ!”, shuffle, click. “Okay, it’s just me now. How was yesterday?”

“Yesterday was boring. Last night was a blast. This morning sucks.”

“Uh, Ci?”

“Yes, Nick?” She could feel a smart ass comment coming.

“It’s 1 o’clock.”

“Shut up. It’s morning for me.”

Giggles. Bastard. What kind of friend was he, anyway? Laughing while a friend’s hung over. Rude. “Party too hard, my love?”

“My love? Well, aren’t you the little Romeo? Yes, I did as a matter of fact. Had a damned good time of it too.”

“You deserve it. Well, not the hang over, but the party. So, how long ‘til you start REAL

work?”

“A week. I get this week off and start in the pedes unit next Monday. I can’t wait.”

“I bet not. You’re gonna be great, Ci.”

“Thanks. So, you guys almost done? Where are you now anyway?”

“We’re in New York now. Battery Studios. We’re almost done and then we take off for a real tour in Europe.”

“Ready?”

“Scared.”

“Yeah, I bet. Looks like we’re both starting a new journey here, huh?”

“I guess so. Well, I gotta go. They’re waving me into the booth.”

“Okay, thanks for calling, Nick. Hey, will I get to see you before you go overseas again?”

“Should. I’ll be home to pack and stuff.”

“Good. Okay, you go sing…I’ll, uh…take a bottle of Tylenol.”

“Sounds good…and Cici?”

“Yeah, hon?”

Silence. He wanted to say something meaningful. Something he felt, but…it would come out wrong and he knew it. He was chicken. Dammit. “Don’t kill anybody your first week, okay?”

“Ha-fuckin’-ha. Thanks. B’bye! Don’t let your voice crack.”

“Oh, not EVEN ni-!” He was answered with a click on her end. She always had to have the last word, didn’t she? Talk about brats.

***

“Well, good evening. I’ve not seen you here before.”

The tall young man stood at the presence of a lady and reached out to shake her hand.

“Hi. I’m Bill. Josh’s uncle. Just got in town today.”

“Nice to meet you, Bill. I’m Ciara, Josh’s nurse tonight…for the next few nights it seems.

Where are you from?” She started checking Josh’s levels on his IV’s and monitors, making notes as she went.

“Tennessee. Knoxville.” He took a seat and couldn’t take his eyes off this petit, beautiful nurse. She wore scrubs well. Or was it they wore HER well? Either way, he was suddenly glad he’d made the trip down.

“Well, Josh will be glad you came, I’m sure. Although, he’s still doing a lot of sleeping.

That last surgery really pooped him out.”

“Yeah, that’s what his mom was saying. Is he…I mean…how long…”

“He’ll be awake more and more everyday. His body has been through a lot for such a young thing. But, being young, he’ll bounce back quicker than an adult would. How long will you be here?”

“As long as I can be. I’m kind of in between jobs now, so I’ve got the time.”

“Good. He needs all the support he can get.”

The little boy in the bed stirred slightly, moaning as the familiar pain from surgery hit him. “Mom?”

“Hey, Joshy. It’s Cici. Mom went home to sleep tonight. But, you have a new visitor.”

“I do?” For a moment, the boy forgot he couldn’t sit well and tried. His mind was definitely more well than his body. He only got as far as lifting his head, but plopped it back down angrily when he couldn’t go any further. “Can you raise my bed?”

“Here, give me your hand.” The boy reached out his hand and she slid it down to the controls on his bedside. “Now you remember how to do this. Lift your bed.”

“Aw, Ci…why can’t you ju-…”

“Joshua. All you have to do is push a button. You keep arguing with me and I’ll get you out of bed for a walk later on.”

“No, no…I’m not ready for that yet.”

“Then raise your bed. Your visitor is waiting.”

He turned and stuck his tongue out at the tiran- er, nurse and found the right button to raise his bed. As it lifted, his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree at the recognition of his Uncle Bill. “Uncle Bill! You made it!”

“Yeah, buddy. I told you I would.” He stood and approached the bed slowly, afraid of all the wires and machines surrounding his bed. Looking to Ciara, who had moved to the other side to finish jotting down some numbers, “Can I…I mean…”

“Yep, give that boy a hug. He’s fine. Just ouchy, grouchy and tired.” As Bill bent down to wrap his nephew up in his arms, Ciara stopped working long enough to watch. Handsome man, wasn’t he? Not too old…good with the kid. She’d definitely have to make Josh a priority in her rounds tonight. And he did need to get out of bed if he could stay awake long enough.

“K, I hate to break up the lovin’ goin’ on here, but I need to ask Josh a few questions since he’s awake.”

“Oh, okay…should I leave?”

“Nah, you’re good.”

“Josh, have you used the bathroom on your own last time you were up?” The boy’s face blushed. “Yeah.”

“Both?”

“Jeez…yeah.” He looked over at his uncle and rolled his eyes. “She’s so nosey.”

“Just answer the questions, Josh.”

“K, number your pain for me, 1 to 10.”

“About a 5 when I’m still, 8 when I move.”

“Okay, let me take a look at the incision.”

She pulled his blanket back and let him hike up his gown. She knew this was humiliating, so she tried to let the patient do as much as possible to keep them in some form of control. Once he was settled again, she gingerly pulled back the tape and palpated the area.

“How’s it look?”

“Looks really good, sweetie. I think we do need to take that walk tonight.”

“No…it’ll hurt.”

“Yep. And you’ll live. You don’t wanna get sick from laying here all the time.”

“I know…”

“You rest up now, Uncle Bill will be quiet for you and I’ll come back in a bit for a walk, okay?”

“Oh alright. You’re a slave driver.”

“You’re a whiner. Hike up so we can pull your gown back down.” She tucked the blanket back under him and winked at him. He was a cute kid with an expectedly crappy attitude.

Cancer had plagued him most of his life and if he wasn’t recuperating from surgery, he was puking up a lung from chemo. Life hadn’t been fair to Josh and she knew it. She also couldn’t let him lay there and die. It was her job to get him off his ass and live.

“K, sleep tight. You nap too, Uncle Bill…you looked tired. I’ll see you later!”

Chapter Twenty Eight

Ciara quietly closed the door to the room, letting patient and family rest a bit. It had been a long night and she was ready to go home.

“Hey, good lookin’…need a ride home?”

She looked up from her chart and almost screamed out loud. Instead, she popped her hand to her mouth and ran over, wrapping her arms around her surprise visitor. “God, you’re a welcome sight. What are you doing here?”

Nick leaned down for a kiss. She looked beat. “I’m here to take you home. I hate these long stretches in your schedule.”

“Mmmm…so do I. Yes, cowboy. Take me home. I need a backrub.” Sliding into the truck, she laid her head back on the headrest and closed her eyes. These long stretches did wipe her out. But, it also meant a long stretch with no work, so she was looking at 8 days off after 6 days on. Might take 2 days just to recuperate though.

Just as she was settling into an interesting dream, “Cici…honey, wake up.” Nick was peeking in the truck already parked in his garage. When the hell did they get there?

“My God, I can’t believe I fell asleep already.”

“You okay? You’re normally not this beat.”

“Maybe the break made me lazy. Hey, where are we?” She reached out her hand and he helped her hop down from the running board, reaching in back for her bag.

“My place, you goof. Don’t you recognize it?”

“Well, now that I’m awake, yes, smart ass. But Nick, I just wanna shower and fall into bed though. I don’t normally sleep too well here.”

“Oh. Well, come in and we’ll see what happens okay?”

He had that glimmer in his eye typically associated with him being up to something, but she wasn’t sure what. And she was too tired to argue with him or even try to figure it out.

Food, shower and bed. In that order. That was all she could think about.

He opened the door to his house and let her go in first, waiting for her reaction. Gasp.

Oh God. He didn’t… “Nick. It’s 8 in the morning. When did you DO this?”

“At about 7 in the morning. I didn’t do all of this. Catered, but…uh, you hungry?”

“Always after work, my God.” She slowly walked over to the dining room that could easily be seen from his garage entrance. He had actually catered in breakfast. Just cold foods, nothing fancy, but yet very fancy. Candles sprinkled the table interspersed with croissants, muffins, bagels, a few containers of cereals, fruit, spreads and juices. There was probably enough food for 6 people.

She grabbed a muffin and reached up to kiss his cheek. “Thank you. I’m gonna go take a shower.”

“But Ci…ugh.” He plopped down in a dining room chair, grabbed a bagel and angrily bit into it. “NOT what I had in mind at all.” Looking at the dry bread, he pouted. “Blech.

Needs cream cheese.”

***

“Okay, now…what do we have here?” Ciara finally emerged from her shower towel drying her hair and dressed in one of Nick’s t-shirts. Serves her right for not staying over hardly ever if at all. She looked over the offerings still sitting at the table realizing she was alone. “Nick? Where is he? I could be home in bed right now, dammit.” She poured herself some juice and started the hunt, peeking out on the deck to see if he was there. No sign of him. Front door letting the dogs out? Nothing. Back upstairs and back in bed? Nope. Finally she went towards her first instinct, the studio. Bingo.

She stood in the doorway watching him for a few moments. His back was to her as he fooled around at the multitude of keyboards, pulling up samples of pre-recorded songs and melodies he’d written himself, mixing and combining to make a new sound. He was very good at it. He also completely disappeared in his work when he did it. She could have been in flames and he’d not have known.

She continued to watch for quite some time, until the pain in her hip jolted her out of the place she’d escaped to. The place that she could go to that was just for Nick…even if he wasn’t around. A place she’d had for years. Nick’s place. Unfortunately, pain sometimes still seeped in…even there. She pulled away from the doorframe and sharply sucked in air as the pain in her hip got worse.

“Oh! Ci! How long have you been…hey…you okay?” He got up and worked his way through the instruments and wires to get to her.

“Yeah, hip. Damn. I’m, uh…I’m gonna go on up to bed, I think.”

“You need help upstairs?”

“NO! I’m fine.” She jerked away from his extended hand and painfully turned away from him. She hated this. He should be writing songs, not aiding a cripple.

“What the hell, Ci? I’m just trying to…” But she was gone. Wobbling down the hall and up the stairs to his bed. “Well, this is a great morning so far. Think I’m gonna have to do it again real soon. Jesus.” He slammed the door to his studio closed and let her be. He was too angry to talk right now. But working while angry? That he could do.

***

Hours and a million tosses, turns, heaves and sighs later, Ciara gave up the effort, threw her scrubs back on and headed back downstairs. She needed her bed. Her purse was out of Demerol. This was NOT going to work staying at Nick’s, not today anyway. She made her way back to his studio, not surprised to still find him there.

“Nick? I’m sorry to interr-“

“You up already?” His voice was dripping with sarcasm and anger. “I was just getting ready to come up and join you.” He kept his back to her and continued playing the eight-note lick he’d been playing since she turned down the hall. He was pouting. It wasn’t attractive.

“Oh, sorry. I can’t sleep here today. I need to head home.”

“Fine. I guess you need a ride.”

“I can call a cab if you’re gonna be a shit about it, Nick.” Finally he turned to her, eyes ablaze with anger and hurt. “I thought that was your role today.”

“What!? How the hell have I been a shit?”

“I surprise you at work, cater in breakfast, plan to well…I just thought I’d make it nice for you since you’ve been working so hard since we got back. You just ignored it all and…I feel like…”

“Like I didn’t appreciate it because I didn’t sit down and eat with you?”

“Well, yeah…why don’t you ever want to be here, Ci?”

She ran a hand through her hair and shifted weight on her feet. Damn hip was still hurting like a bitch. She just…why didn’t she like to be there? No, she liked to be there.

She just liked home, especially when she was tired. Her bed. Her toilet. Her shampoo.

Her clothes. Her cat. Hers. It was her comfort. How do you explain this in two words or less because you’re too tired to go into a long dissertation about it?

“I want to be here, Nick, but not after a long stretch. I just want my own bed.”

“Fine. I’ll take you to YOUR bed. Whatever.”

He angrily stormed by her, grabbed his keys and disappeared into the garage waiting not so patiently for her to get in the truck.

Once in, she turned and stared at him. She was waffling between anger at his immaturity and anger at her insistence for independence. At the moment, the two were both kind of unattractive. “I’m sorry, Nick. You know, this isn’t about you.” Nothing. He just started the truck and took her home. His silences when angry were deadly. She’d rarely seen them and did not appreciate being the butt of his anger at all.

It hurt worse than her hip.

Fifteen minute drive and not another word was exchanged. He pulled into her driveway and continued staring straight ahead. She sighed, feeling like she should say something, but knowing from the look in his eyes, the firmness in his posture, that he was not listening. She had to go for it anyway.

“Nick, I’m sorry. I’m exhausted. I hurt. I need my bed and my meds. Neither are at your place. I appreciate what you did for breakfast…I noticed the candles around the bath…it was a lovely thought. I just can’t…” He wasn’t listening. Or he didn’t appear to be.

“You can’t just let the guard down and let someone take care of you when you’re well.

When you NEED it, you’re fine. But when you don’t. Forget it. Is that it?” Finally his eyes met hers, still blazing in anger. Or was it hurt?

“Maybe? I dunno. I hate it when I need it too, if that’s any consolation.”

“None. Do you need me to help you get your car when you wake up?”

“I don’t think we’re done talking Nick. Don’t shut me out now.”

“Don’t you EVEN start with that shit, Ci. I’m done talking right now and I’m going home.

I suggest you get out or you’re gonna end up back at my place. God KNOWS you don’t want to be THERE.”

“Oh Jesus, Nick. Fine. And Deanna can get me to my car tomorrow on the way to my doctor’s appointment. You just go pout. It’s usually more fun alone anyway.” Without another word, she snapped her door open, grabbed her bag and hopped out of the car, sucking in air as she hit the pavement and causing more pain to jolt through her hip. As soon as she slammed the door closed, he backed out of the drive coming entirely too close to walloping her in the back with his side view mirror.

“Fucking Diva, I swear. Didn’t even get my damned backrub.”

***

“Thanks for picking me up, girl.” Ciara finally got some much needed sleep and felt surprisingly good today. Yep, aches and pains welcomed her, but after an angry cleaning fit, she was able to sleep for a good 12 hrs. almost putting her back into a normal day/night schedule.

“Not a problem. Doc appointment is at the hospital?”

“Yeah, as usual.”

“Who are you seeing today anyway?”

“Leiman. OB/GYN. That goddamned check-up for the abnormal cells they keep finding.”

“You haven’t been going as often as they want you to, have you?”

“No. If it’s cancer, maybe it’ll finally kill me.”

“Ciara!!!! Jesus, woman.”

“What?”

“You don’t want to die.”

“I don’t want to live in pain anymore. And no, I don’t want to die, especially with cancer.

But, hell…at least it’ll finally be something terminal or treatable. Non of this chronic shit I’ll just have to live with. Dying with something somehow sounds better.” Deanna just shook her head. She shouldn’t be surprised at this kind of talk from Ciara, but typically it came when she was not only achy, but alone and achy. Ciara was no longer alone. Then it hit her.

“Did you have a fight with Nick?”

“You’re a fucking genius.”

“You’re just transparent. What happened?”

“I’m a bitch. I need to call him, but I’m too stubborn. I’ve got 8 days off and I have a hunch I’m not gonna see him at all. We had the cruise, rushed into Christmas, a few days off for family and then I started my stretch. No New Year’s together. Nothing.”

“So…why are you not talking now?”

“Cuz I’m an idiot. He picks me up yesterday from work, caters in breakfast, has candles all over the bed and bathroom and I dog him. I’m too fucking tired to care or respond. I can’t sleep in his bed cuz my hip is killing me and I just want to leave.”

“Oh no.”

“Oh yeah. I feel like a schmuck, but Jesus, Dee…I need…I just…” Ciara buried her face with her hands, hoping that when it reappeared, she’d have some new perspective. She didn’t. “What the HELL is wrong with me?”

“You’ve been alone too long. You just aren’t used to being pampered. He’ll adjust.”

“I hope. Didn’t call today at all.”

“He’ll adjust. He’s crazy about you. He loves you for God’s sake. I’d die to have someone look at me the way he looks at you.”

“Yeah, well…if he’ll look at me again.”

“Oh shut UP, Ci. My God. Ten years, woman. Ten fucking years. You care so much for him, you’ll lie to me…your best friend about him. If he walks away from you permanently because you wouldn’t eat his bagels then you never knew him. You never had him to begin with.”

“This is quite true. I don’t deserve him anyway.”

“No, Ci, you don’t. You’re a loser and he’s perfect. God, you make me tired.”

“Glad to help. Go in here. Her office is in the south building.”

“Oh, okay. Do you want me to come up?”

“Yeah, sure. We’ll park and I can get my car after.”

The two women walked the familiar route to the doctor’s offices and silently rode the elevator up to the proper floor. They’d done this quite often and somehow silence always fit the bill. Ciara wasn’t nervous, but she always shut everyone out before she’d go in to see one of her doc’s. It was something Deanna didn’t understand, but respected. This seemed to be something Nick would need to learn. You can’t always understand it, but you have to respect it. Hopefully he would be able to…soon.

Chapter Twenty Nine

“So what’d the doc say, girl? You gonna live?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna be ugly for a few, but I think I’ll live. Like my eye patch?” Ciara had just had her eye surgery the day before and was being kept in the hospital for a few days to monitor her blood pressure and blood sugar. It had gone well, but she felt like she’d been kicked in the face.

“Hmmm…very pretty. Bill will love it.” Deanna tossed a few magazines on the bedside tray, sitting next to her friend and leaning in to check her wrappings.

“Yeah, I can be his pirate slave. Did they do me up, right?”

“From what little I know, yeah. I thought they did both eyes though. Why is only one bandaged?”

“Because I can see out of one, but not the other. This is making it easier to see all around.

They had to do some funky stuff with my left one.”

“Oh…well it looks good to me. I dunno if Bill will get into the pirate thing though…he seems a bit uptight for that kind of thing dontcha think?”

“True. He needs to loosen up, that’s for sure.”

“Yep. So when do you break out of here?”

“Day after tomorrow. I’m ready. Can’t sleep here to save my life and I’m doped up.”

“I bet. Hate to snoop and run, but I’m almost late for work. I’ll check in after my shift.

Where’s your folks?”

“They’ll be in soon. I told them not to be here all the time. Might have to kill one of ‘em.”

“Okay, I just hate to leave you alone.”

“I’m fine. This is nothing. Bill will be in later, Mom and Dad, sisters. Maybe even Lindsey will show her face. Go to work.”

“I’m out.” Deanna leaned in and kissed her friend’s cheek, being careful not to put too much pressure on her sore face. “I want to see your pretty face again…and your eyes lookin’ right.”

“Me too. Thanks.”

Just as Deanna walked out, surprise of all surprises, Lindsey walked in.

“Hey…thought I’d make it in this time.”

“Thanks. How’s things?”

“Okay. Talked to Kevin today. Their song went to number 3 over there.”

“You’ve GOT to be kidding? Number THREE? That’s great!” Ciara gingerly put her fingers up to the bandages around her eyes and cheeks, grimacing at the quick movements she’d made when speaking. “Wait a minute…you talked to Kevin? I thought you two were kaput.”

“Nah, we’re um…casual. He’s overseas anyway….I’m not gonna sit around waiting on him.”

“But you think he’s sitting around waiting on you?”

“Well, he’s too busy for a girl right now, so probably.”

“Okay…” Ciara shifted in her bed, wanting to get off this subject quickly. She was not in the mood to lecture.

“Nick says ‘hi’, by the way.”

“Thanks. Hi, Nick. Can you pour me a glass of water or bring the pitcher here for me?” Lindsey poured her friend some water and sat on the edge of the bed nervously. She didn’t know what to say. It seemed as though something permanent happened a year ago when she didn’t come to the hospital and she was hoping by showing up now, it might mend it all somehow. It didn’t seem to be working.

“So, um…you mentioned last time we talked that you were seeing someone?”

“Yeah, Bill. He’s the uncle of a patient. Here until…well, yeah. He’ll be here for a bit anyway.”

“Oh, is the kid really sick?”

“Yeah. Terminal, but he’s strong. Bill was looking for some work here, so he may just stay.”

“What’s he like? He good?” Lindsey was nervously looking around the room. Not leaving her bedside, but unable to look her in the eye…er, the patch.

“Yeah, he makes me feel special. Very gentlemanly. Very nice.”

“Good. You deserve someone to treat you right finally.”

“Thanks. So do you.” Ciara touched Lindsey’s arm, making her finally look to her. She bore her gaze into Lindsey’s, blurry as it was, hoping she’d get the hint. She didn’t. What else was new? She was interested in a celebrity now and nothing could keep her away from that, no matter how lousy the relationship was.

“Yeah, so, uh…hey. Howie told us that you’d like it better if we just asked you about stuff, so uh...”

“Yeah, it’d be nicer than listening to you all contemplate my latest ailment.”

“I’m sorry about Disney…I really am.”

“Whatever. What do you want to know?”

“Your, uh…well, Ci. Your face. Since your big surgery last year, it’s all…it’s swollen up and stuff. You’ve always had a cute round face, but now, it’s…”

“Moon face.”

“Well, I guess you could call it that.”

“It’s what they DO call it. It’s from steroids. For pain and stuff.”

“They wanted to put you on steroids before, didn’t they? But couldn’t because of your diabetes.”

“Yep. Makes my blood sugar go high. So, I monitor it more often. But taking steroids was not as bad as the pain and weakness. So, lesser of two evils.”

“And they make your face puff up?”

“Yep. I get skittish and sleepless too, sometimes. We’re trying to keep the dosage down, but the moon face is from long term use. Can’t do anything about it.”

“Oh.” Lindsey looked down again, out of words, out of nerve. “Well, look, I guess I’d better go. Maybe we can get together after you’re out.”

“Okay Lindsey. Thanks for coming by.”

And she was gone. Why did Ciara not even care she had come? Seems she was only there to relieve herself of the guilt she’d had for not showing up the last time. Ciara did NOT

want to be someone’s answer to repentance…or the recipient of someone’s pity. She could tell she was getting both from Lindsey and she didn’t like it one little bit.

***

“Think fast, rabbit!” Brian tossed the basketball to Nick, landing it firmly in his gut.

“Ooof…God, Rok. A little warning, huh?” Nick spun around, dribbled once, jumped and shot. Sink.

“Why would I do that?” Brian rebounded the ball, but held it to his hip underneath an arm. “I’m pooped. Let’s sit.”

“Wimp.” Nick jogged over to the cooler of bottled water the venue had left out for them and grabbed one for each of them. “Think fast, rabbit.” Bonk. Right on his chest and to the cement floor.

“Nice. We’re even.” The two friends sat quietly for a moment, drinking their water, catching their breath. As usual, after only a few moments of solitude and quiet, they immediately began to miss home. Nick and Brian always seemed to have homesickness the worst of the five. Brian because he just never expected this life and Nick…well, he was 16. Even though his mom and brother would join him, he missed home. How do you talk about home without missing it more? Beat around the bush.

“So, uh, is Ci having that eye surgery soon?”

“Yeah, I think she had it already. Couple of days ago.”

“I don’t know how she manages…so much stuff.”

“I know it. She’s tough though. Just seems to take it as it comes.”

“Yeah, she does. Is she, uh…is she seeing anyone?”

“Not that I know of. We don’t normally talk about that stuff and I haven’t talked to her since we left.”

Brian silently nodded. He’d never approached her again, although he surely thought about it. Somehow, he didn’t feel like he had permission. From who he wasn’t sure, but she almost seemed out of range, out of bounds.

“Can I ask you something, Rok?”

“What’s up?”

“Ci. She…I…when Aaron was sick…I’m…” Nick sighed heavily and started fidgeting nervously. “Something weird happened.”

“Well, that was awhile ago…wait…with you and Ci?” That got Brian’s curiosity in an uproar. No way!

“No, not…I mean, nothing happened, but it was….there was like this…UGH! I don’t know how to say it. I can’t explain.”

“You’re making it real hard for me to answer a question if you can’t even come up with one.”

“Yeah, thanks, smart ass. I’m trying here.”

“Just tell me what DID happen that was different.”

“Well, it was…I mean, you know she slept with me and Aaron when he was so sick. That was fine. Nothing weird there. At all. It was like having a big sister there for both of us.”

“Okay….”

“But, she was dressed in this lacy thing and she looked…” He sighed again, running a hand through his hair. “…she looked beautiful. I’ve never seen her that way before. I mean, I’ve seen her in jammies and stuff, but…” Now he was embarrassed.

“You’re sixteen, Nick. Women look different than they did when you were eleven.”

“You think? Jeez, Rok. I hadn’t noticed.”

“Nick…you know what I mean. So, you noticed her in a different light…that’s okay.”

“But, I mean…I felt funny about it. But yet, I didn’t. I wanted to DO something about it, but she’s…I mean, she’s…”

“She’s Cici.”

“YES! And yet, god. She was standing there in front of me, her nightie thing was wet from bathing Aaron and her hair was mussed up from sleeping and…”

“Stop. Now I’m getting all worked up.” Brian stood and started dribbling the ball while letting Nick work this one out. Letting HIM work this one out. God.

“You’re so damned much help.”

“Well, Nick. I’m sorry. She’s great. So you had a beautiful woman in a wet nightie standing in front of you and you reacted. What’s wrong with that!?”

“Was that just it though?”

“I have no idea, Nick. Was it?” He grabbed the ball in an upwards bounce and tossed it aside, wanting to fully concentrate on his friend. His friend who was miraculously silent.

“Nick…what else happened?”

“Nothing. I mean, but, I felt like…”

“Did you kiss her!?”

“NO! I told you nothing happened. But she was crying and I have no idea why and I couldn’t help. And…”

“She was crying?”

“Yeah, I put Aaron to bed and turned around and she was standing there crying. Wet and crying. Jesus.” Nick stood up and looked around for the basketball Brian had tossed.

This was getting insane.

“Nick, what are you getting at?”

“Could she be…I mean, did she feel something too?” He located the ball and jogged over to it, tossing it to Brian. “Shoot the ball. I can’t sit still anymore.” Brian caught the ball and turned to the basket, lobbing it up and watching it sink in the net. “I have no idea, Nick, but uh…no offense…”

“Yeah, I know. That’s nuts. I’m a boy to her.” Nick rebounded the ball and stood still.

Hurt written all over his face.

“Probably. I mean, NOW you are, but later…later your age difference won’t matter so much.”

“I’ll always be a little boy to her. She’ll be married with kids of her own by the time I’m close to that.”

“Gimme the ball.” Nick bounced the ball over and Brian shot again. “You don’t know that. Couple of years…and I’ll be…” Recognition finally hit Brian’s face as the basketball bounced in front of him and slowly bounced away.

“What?”

“Nick. Just hang on to those feelings. Trust me.”

“What? Why?”

“I never told you this, but I, uh…when we went fishing last year…well, I tried with Ci.”

“You did not. No way!”

“She flat turned me down though. But something she said blew me away…I never got it.

Now I think I do.”

“What? You made a move on Ci?”

“Yeah, but she said, among other things, that she couldn’t do that to YOU. Being with me would somehow effect YOU.”

“Me!? But why?”

“That’s what I asked. She had no answer. She probably didn’t know herself, but Nick…just hang on, okay? Just hang on.”

“I’m too young for her. I’d be wasting my time waiting for her.”

“I didn’t say wait. I said hang on. Remember this.”

The two friends stood and looked at each other, the younger trying to read the older. The older trying say things to the younger without words. That’s what made their friendship so cool. They could do that. And well.

“I need to call her, Rok. I need to talk to her.”

“Go on, then. Call her. And remember.”

Chapter Thirty

“My God, Ci…where ARE you?” Nick flipped his cell closed and tossed it on the table.

He’d been calling her for two days and was getting nowhere. Their fight was haunting him and she wouldn’t call back. He’d never known her to pout like that; they could always talk. He was getting scared.

Knowing how much she hated being accosted, he had put off just going over to her house more than once. But now he didn’t care. She could yell, scream, carry on however much she wanted. She was NOT going to continue to pout over such a stupid argument.

He’d been stupid. She’d been nasty. End of story. He grabbed a left-over bagel out of his freezer and shoved it in a bag with a couple packages of spread. He’d get her favorite coffee on the way.

As he pulled into her drive, his concerns only heightened. Her trash cans were still on the curb, empty and on their sides. No one else’s were. Obviously she’d taken the trash out, but never bothered to bring the cans in. Again, not typical unless she was working a long stretch. He punched in the code to her garage door and went out to bring in the cans. Her mailbox was stuffed. He grabbed the mail, laying it on a can lid, peeking around to the front porch for a paper. None. Right. She hated current events.

Letting himself in her house, he bent down and scratched her cat’s head. “Heya, Lex.

Where’s your mommy?” The house was eerily silent. He suddenly felt like he was intruding. “Cici? Baby?”

He peeked around downstairs, finding nothing particularly unusual, but yet, something…something was just not right. Tossing the mail on her kitchen table, he noticed no fresh dishes in the sink. This concerned him. Finally, he made his way upstairs to her bedroom. There was no way to prepare him for what he found.

***

“Ciara! Nooooo! Baby! Oh sweet Jesus!” Nick rushed from his frozen spot just inside her room to her limp body lying on the bathroom floor. He had been helplessly standing by watching her fall to the floor in an attempt to go into the bathroom. She had no idea he was even there.

“Cici…come on baby…wake up.” He was on the floor with her before he knew it and had brought her head up onto his lap. He tapped her cheeks lightly, not sure what the hell good that would do, but…well, it seemed like the right thing. It wasn’t working.

“Cici…what’s wrong with…shit.” Sugar. She had been sleeping and from the looks of the kitchen, without food.

He grabbed a pillow off her bed and tucked it under her head, hating to let her go, but knowing he needed to. He stood trying to remember the name of that stuff she’d taught him about so many years ago. “In case of an emergency, Nick. You’ll never need it, I’m sure, but you should know.” Tears were forming in his eyes and he realized that at the moment, her life was in his hands.

He spun around the room nervously, frantically trying to remember where she said she always kept a kit of whatever it was called. ““Guca-…gluca…gluca-something.” He snapped his fingers as his memory met the moment. “Ah! Closet. No heat, no humidity, no light…closet.”

He made his way to the door, tripping over shoes and shoe boxes on the way. “Jesus, woman…you need a new house for all this crap.” He flipped on the light and looked up seeing only sweatshirts and good god…more shoe boxes. “Where in the hell?” Sifting through her sweatshirts and kicking the small step stool out of the way, he had to chuckle again at the life of his short sweetie. Step stools littered the house. “YES!” He pulled down the kit and read the label. “Glucagon! Thank God. Now, how in the HELL

do I do this?”

He went back over to her, opening the kit as he moved, tripping over the shoes again.

“Hang on, baby. I’m trying here.” He pulled out the directions, shaking like a leaf, and quickly skimmed them. “I gotta MIX this stuff? Oh God…” He pulled out the vial of powder and syringe of liquid, glancing at the directions and hoping this was as easy as they made it seem. He had to smile, remembering giving her her shot on the cruise. “Thank God you made me do that, Ci.” He touched her face lightly and read the directions again. “Stay with me now…” Working quickly and nervously, he pushed the liquid from the syringe into the vial of powder. As he slowly swirled the mixture, he rubbed her face and arms with his other hand, hoping somehow she’d just snap out of this before he had to go any further. No such luck.

Once the mixture was dissolved, he filled the syringe again with the medicine, knocking the cylinder lightly to remove air bubbles and squirting out a bit of the liquid to be extra sure, just like he’d seen her do a million times with her insulin.

With a deep breath he looked down and slid her nightie up a bit to expose more of her thigh. “Okay, baby, I may not be able to wrap a Christmas present, but THIS, I’m gonna do right.” He looked up to the sky, hoping to gain some strength from whatever powers people seemed to find there, gently pulled the skin taught on her thigh and stabbed the needle into her flesh. He slowly pushed the plunger in, removed the needle and covered the hole with his finger.

Tossing the syringe back into the box, he grabbed the directions again and read aloud.

“After the injection, turn the patient on his or her left side. Glucagon may cause some patients to vomit and this position will reduce the possibility of choking. Lovely.” He finally sat on his butt and gently turned her to the left side, aiming her towards the bathroom in case…easier clean up. Ick.

Back to the directions again, and having flashbacks of when she walked him through this, missing her like she were already dead, he finally sighed. He had to wait a maximum of 15 minutes. If she didn’t wake by then, he’d have to do this again. “God, please, Ci…wake up. I’m here, baby. Wake up!”

Fifteen minutes is a long time. He rubbed her head, her shoulders, her arms. He kissed her cheek and arms. He fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, picked at the wood on her door frame where the cat had scratched. He looked at his watch every, oh…30 seconds.

He also noticed that things typically on her nightstand were littering her floor. She had bruises on her shins. Her comforter was falling off the foot of the bed between the bed posts. What the HELL had happened here?

Suddenly, he realized his arm wasn’t the only thing in the room moving. Looking down at his “patient”, his heart began to race even more, if that was possible. She was stirring.

He continued his gentle massage on her upper torso and spoke softly to her, not wanting to frighten her.

“Baby…come on, now. It’s Nick. Wake up.” She turned her head to the voice and with her eyes still closed, she offered a small smile.

“Hey…what are you…oh god.” She slowly brought her hand to her head and lazily wiped her eyes. It felt as though she were moving lead.

“You okay?” He crawled over her and got up on his knees, looking around for a washcloth to wet and wipe her brow, neck and face…she was sweating like crazy.

“Nick?”

“Yeah, Cici. I’m right here.” Turning back to her, he kissed her forehead and wiped her neck and face, wondering how coherent she would actually be.

“Thanks.” She closed her eyes again and rolled to her back, acting as though she might pass out again.

“Cici, stay with me, hon. You need to get something more in you.” He reluctantly stood and stepped over her to go downstairs to get some juice. Suddenly her house felt like a mansion. The kitchen was too damned far away.

“Mmm-kay.” She turned her head to watch him leave and felt herself falling asleep again.

Why was he here? What had happened? Where was he going now?

He came back as quick as he could, “Okay, hon. I need you to…Cici? Shit,” only to find her curled up almost in a fetal position back to sleep. Or so he hoped. The directions said this stuff should last over an hour. As he knelt down and slipped his arms under her to sit her up against him, she stirred awake a bit and clumsily wiped her hair from her face. He brought the cup of juice up to her lips. “Take a drink, baby.” She sipped the juice and leaned her head back on his chest. “I’m so tired.”

“Yeah, I know…you need to eat in a bit. How long has it been since you ate?” No words. It was now similar to how she had been on the cruise in the restaurant. She wasn’t completely there. She sipped the juice each time he held it to her lips and before long, she was holding the cup herself. Soon, sitting up on her own. Eventually, sitting up on her bed eating the bagel he’d brought and heated up in the microwave. Finally, looking around the room and asking, “What the HELL happened here, Nick?”

“I was hoping you could tell me. It looks like you had a fight with someone.”

“Yeah, I know. All I remember is coming home from the doctor the other day and coming to bed. My God. What day is it?”

“Sunday.” Nick got up and found her monitor, bringing it to her in the bed. “Check it.

Every hour.”

“Yes, dear. Wait a minute…it’s Sunday? Holy shit. My appointment was Friday. What happened to Saturday?”

He just looked at her. “You LOST Saturday? I’ve been trying to call…to work out what happened Thursday…and you wouldn’t answer. I thought you were still mad.”

“I didn’t even hear the pho-…” She poked her finger and holding it upright to let it bleed, she twisted around to check her phone making sure the ringer wasn’t off. It wasn’t.

“How in the hell did I sleep through that?”

“I don’t know, baby. You need to go see your doctor. This is happening too often.”

“Eh, I’m okay. Nothing my doctor can do anyway. In fact, I feel disgusting. Probably smell yummy too.” She put the pooled blood on the test strip and stuck it into the monitor.

He leaned in and sniffed. “Uh, a little pungent, yeah.” Smacking his face lightly, she got up and was pleased to actually have firm footing. “I must have…wait. I remember getting up to go to the bathroom and I took my meds and my shot. I was going to eat, but came back here for…what did I come back in here for?”

“No idea…”

“Me either….I must have been so tired I just laid back down again without eating.”

“But how did your shins get so bruised, Ci? And your night stand…what happened?” She thought about it for a minute, not having any idea. Checking her monitor, she breathed a sigh of relief. “I think…I think I went to the foot of the bed to get back in for some reason. I couldn’t get up on the bed. It’s 110 now…Nick,” she looked to his blue eyes, finding nothing but fear in them. How bad was she? What had he actually seen?

“Nick, I could have di-…”

She popped her hand over her mouth realizing the magnitude of the situation…as miserable as she felt sometimes, death was no longer something she wanted. Not yet.

Not with…no. Life, overall was very, very good.

“Yeah, you could have. But you didn’t.”

“No, I didn’t. I…wow.” He was getting good at this care-taking thing, wasn’t he? And, he was still here. Didn’t look ready to bolt either. “Nick, thank you.”

“Don’t do it again. That just sucked. Now you stink. You need a shower.”

“Thanks, dear. Will you wait here?”

“I can help…”

“Not this time. Just stay, okay? I’m a bit nervous.”

“Okay…I’m here.” She leaned in for another kiss, still a bit shaky. Not from her health but from her scare. He had truly saved her this time. As she stepped into the shower, she leaned her head back against the wall amazed at what had happened. At how he helped.

At how much she loved him and hoped she hadn’t just scared him away. This had to be too much.

Chapter Thirty One

Ciara peeked her head out of the bathroom, drying her hair with a towel. “Did I just hear? Yep…BILL! Can you get that please…it’s my cell!” She hoped he could hear her and knew where she’d put the thing. She surely didn’t.

Down the hall of her apartment, she could hear him stumbling over the cat and yelping at it. Her cat hated no one. No one but Bill. She was always under foot, always hissing at him, scratching him…it would have been comical had he not been such a jerk about it.

Patience with animals was not one of his personality traits.

“Hang on. Here she is.” Handing the phone to her, “It’s some dude. Nick?”

“OH!” She tossed the towel onto the toilet and clamored up on her bed before taking the phone. “Thanks…I’ll be out in a bit.”

“You want me to leave?”

“Well, the room, yeah…jeez, Bill. I’ll be out shortly.” She fanned him away with her hand, rolling her eyes at his possessiveness. “Nicky! Where are you, baby?”

“Quebec. It’s NUTS here.”

“Yeah, Lindsey told me guys are just kickin’ it up there. Congrats on the single, too. I’m so proud of you guys.”

“Yeah, thanks. It’s all overwhelming, that’s for sure.”

“No kidding…hey, I don’t want to eat up your phone bill. What’s up?” I have a crush on you, Ci and wanted to see if you felt the same. “I just wanted to check in with you after your surgery. Everything go okay?”

“Yeah. It really did. I’m still a bit blurry and ouchy but I go back to work tomorrow.”

“Good. I wish I could have been there.”

“Aw, it’s okay. I had some visitors. Lindsey even showed up.”

“Miracles never cease.” Silence. The nervous variety. “So, uh…Ci?”

“Yeah?” She wanted a Nicky hug. Now. Dammit.

“Who’s the dude?”

“The DUDE?” Bill a dude…okay. That made her giggle. Which made her face hurt.

Which made her lay down. Ugh. Work was gonna suck. “The DUDE is Bill.”

“Bill?”

“Bill. Yes. He’s the uncle of a patient, and uh…yeah.” Why was explaining a boyfriend suddenly so damned difficult?

“Ah, cool…you happy?”

Happiness is relative, isn’t it? She wasn’t alone. And he thought she was pretty, which made her feel special. And…and… “Yes, Nick. I’m happy.”

“That’s all that matters then.” Silence again. What the hell?

“Is your mom joining you again soon?”

“Yeah. Bringing Aaron. I guess Dad’s gonna stay with the girls. You really should go see them, Ci.” Because if you do, then I feel closer to you somehow.

“Once I get back into the swing of things again, I will. I miss them.”

“Me too.”

“Yeah…” Third time. Silence. “Um, Nick…are you okay, hon?”

“No.” Oops. Too fast. “Yeah, I’m just…I miss home. I miss you. I…I’m tired, I guess.”

“We miss you too, sweetie. You have to kick some ass up there first though.”

“Yeah, we’re doin’ that alright.”

“When will you be home?”

“January. Couple months yet.”

“You’ve been gone forever. I probably won’t even recognize you.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that! Will, uh…I mean…how about you with that surgery and all?”

“Will it change my looks? Nah, I just won’t have Marty Feldman eyes anymore.”

“Oh…yeah…Cici, I’m so sorry about that who-“

“Stop. Now. Over and we already talked about it. Just go bust some Canadian ass and come home, okay?”

“Okay. Go, uh…bust some Bill ass or something.” God. Bill. He sounded boring as hell.

God she missed the kid. “Yeah, I’ll do that. Thanks for callin’.” They both hung up having so much more to say and not finding one English word to use to say it. There weren’t words for how they were feeling. She had Bill now and she didn’t want Nick THAT way anyway…he was 16, almost 17…just a boy in so many, many ways.

But, something was different. She just had no clue what it was. And it picked at her brain and heart. A lot.

***

“Amen.” The small crowd echoed the final word of the pastor and slowly dispersed from the tent. Ciara stayed at her place in the back, waiting for the family to finish with their final good-bye’s. This was the first funeral she’d been to for a patient. She was hoping it’d be her last. Dying children were hard enough to deal with, but knowing the family and watching them grieve that death was something entirely different.

Joshua’s mom appeared out of the tent first, scanning the crowd and smiling when her eyes landed on Ciara. She carefully made her way over, trying to keep her heels from digging into the soft soil of the ground. Why was the grass at cemeteries always soft and almost muddy?

“Ciara. Thank you so much for coming today. For being such an important part of Joshua’s life…he really loved you.” She pulled Ciara in for a hug, still in shock that her son’s lifelong battle was finally over.

“Well, he was a special boy. You and Mr. Hayes loved him so he could fight with courage.” Ciara pulled back from the embrace and softly touched the older woman’s face.

Joshua had fought long and hard and finally, just days earlier, he told Ciara that he was tired. He was sick of seeing his mom worry and wanted to go home…wherever that was.

Two hours later, he had died.

As the two women shared their quiet moment, Bill walked up to the scene and slid an arm around Ciara’s waist. “You ready? We’ve got food back at the house.”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

The limo ride was quiet. Everyone had thoughts of their own, to be sure, but for now they were kept inside. The gathering at the Hayes’ home was no different. Quiet, subdued. When mourning the loss of an adult, there were always so many stories to tell, so many people who could tell them. But when mourning the loss of a child who had spent most of his life in a hospital there was not much to say. Not much to laugh about.

Finally, Ciara couldn’t take it anymore.

“Bill, I need to go home now. Do you have a car here?”

“Yeah, but…I’m not ready to go yet.”

“Well, can you take me and come back? I just…I need…I just need to go.”

“Whatever, yeah. Come on.”

He pulled the car into a parking spot near her apartment door and just sat there. No move to get out. No offer of…what did Ciara want anyway? Compassion? Maybe he was too busy grieving himself to see how this was wracking her up. Although, to be honest, once Bill and Ciara had started dating, his visits to the hospital had dwindled to almost nothing. And when he was there, he was detached and unfeeling. Pulling away before the inevitable or just being an ass? She couldn’t tell.

“You coming in?”

“No, you said I could go back. What are you planning on doing with the rest of your day?”

“Embrace life. I’m gonna go see the Carter’s I think. Hug on the little ones for a bit.”

“God…them. Alright. Is that Nick kid home? You seem to miss him enough.” Bill rolled his eyes at the thought. She was always online now looking into that lame group he was in, finding out what they were doing on their tour. Made him sick.

“No, Nick is not home…he comes home in a few weeks. You know…jealousy over a teenaged boy is very unbecoming. Get over yourself. Your presence in my life will not change our friendship.”

“Even if I don’t like him?”

“Yes, even if you don’t like him. I don’t need your approval for my friends, Bill.” He simply glared at her. Somehow the southern gentleman she’d met in the hospital four months prior had been replaced by a controlling, rude, selfish man. But yet, when he wanted to, he treated her like a queen. It was just a matter of figuring out when he wanted to and cashing in on that. It seemed to be coming less and less often.

“You getting out, or what?”

“I’m out…Jesus. Thanks for the ride. You have an interview tomorrow?”

“Yeah. I’ll let you know.”

And that was that. No kiss. No smile. No…it was like her dad dropping her off at school or something. Hell, Dad even offered a smile and a “have a good day, Cici.” What was going wrong here? And why was she voluntarily tolerating it? Sex, if they even had it, was…well, to quote Deanna, “even bad sex is good, Cici,” and this was true. So, yeah. Sex was good. Bad-good. Boring good? Both, sadly.

But yet, when they were out, he treated her well. They’d frequent small bars and his hand was always on the small of her back, showing his pride at having her by his side.

He’d come home with small gifts. He didn’t seem to mind when seeing all of her physical maladies came into play. Sure, he was still unemployed, but he was trying…or so she thought. He’d disappear all day and come back with a tale of his interviews.

And for now, it was better than she’d had in a long time. She longed for a gentleman. A man of integrity. A man who could get down and dirty behind closed doors and still take out the trash, kiss her when she didn’t feel well and bring home a respectable pay check.

He had some of that…somewhere…sometimes. Didn’t he?

***

Home. He was finally home. Nick had always dreamed of performing, traveling, singing, dancing ,touring, but being away from home so much? He could NEVER have dreamed how hard it would be. What made it even more difficult was whenever they were “home” now, it seemed they were still working. This time it was to record. Again. And they only had about a month to do it in. Record, visit friends, relax. He was beginning to feel like he couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. Celebrity was all happening so fast. They’d even won a phone-in-vote for the MTV Europe Awards. MTV for God’s sake!

And yet, here he was, walking freely in an apartment parking lot, right next to a busy grocery store and no one knew him. No one cared who this tall blonde boy/man was. He couldn’t have done that in Canada or Europe to save his life. Girls were everywhere there. They could never travel without bodyguards and/or disguises. It was like he was living two totally separate lives.

He hadn’t called first, but knew from conversations with his mom that Ciara was off work. He couldn’t wait to see her, to tell her all about their travels. He’d seen so much.

So often he’d thought, “If Cici were here, we could…” and finish the sentence differently every time. Phone calls and emails were so shallow, but he had a hunch that would be the basis of their relationship for a long time to come. Or so he hoped. Not the lack of contact, but that they would have continued success.

Ciara had gotten up from bed only to take her meds and grab some juice. She was not expecting, or frankly wanting any company. Not now, thank you. When she heard the knock on her door, her first instinct was to ignore it. Bill would just walk in, Deanna would forgive her and Mom…ick. Who needed it? Maybe it was a vacuum cleaner sales man and he was cute? She looked like shit. No.

Throwing back the last of her juice, she swung the door open with no regard to who it was. Some days it just didn’t pay to care.

“Hey! I’m home!” Nick flung his arms open and stopped cold looking at her, um…interesting state of undress…dress…whatever. “Ci? You’re…you’re, uh…”

“I’m sick.” Add a pout to any outfit and it’d be adorable. Or more so. She smiled through her pout and pulled him inside, following his gaze down her ridiculously clad body.

“Like the outfit? I picked it out just for you.”

“Um…” He looked her up and down again, suddenly forgetting all about the hug he’d longed for for so many months. Bed head deluxe…with a new short haircut. He missed the long curls already. A completely torn up and faded over-sized t-shirt covered her body just to the right spot. And wasn’t that HIS t-shirt? Where did she…never mind.

And her feet. He couldn’t keep in the giggle on those. Mouse slippers. Fuzzy gray mouse slippers complete with pink ears, pink tongue and yes…whiskers. Just as Nick’s eyes landed on the slippers, her cat romped into the room and started batting at the whiskers as if to show them off to her guest. “I guess I should have called first.”

“I wouldn’t have answered. Almost didn’t answer the door. Mind hugging a sicky?” She held her arms out, empty glass still in hand. How could he resist?

“Nah…come here.” He pulled her in for the long awaited hug, smiling as her fuzzy head tickled his chin when he bent down. “What’s wrong with you anyway?” Kissing the top of her head, he pulled back and looked in her eyes. They were dark and tired looking.

“Just…I mean, listen to me.” Snort. Sniff. “I’m all stuffed up. My ears are having a pool party without inviting me. I feel like shit.” What the hell do they feed them in Europe?

He was at least 10 feet tall, wasn’t he? And filling out nicely…where’s my little Nicky?

“Well, you look like shit, too. You gonna invite me in, or do I get to stand here all day?”

“Come on, smarty. I wanna hear all about your trip. All about the girls, the shows, the sights…everything.” While talking, she took her glass to the kitchen, shuffling her mice slippers as she went. Nick followed, trying to keep his eyes on her head, or her back, or her…wait a minute. There were boxes everywhere. Moving boxes. What the…

“Ci…hang on.” She was still rambling a mile a minute and didn’t hear him. She opened the refrigerator and pulled out a can of Coke for her guest, tossing it to him and offering the first smile of her…week? Had it been that long? “Ci. Stop.”

“What!?” She looked at him impatiently, only wanting to get her tired, sick ass back in bed.

Gesturing all around him, and eyes wide open, “Boxes. Lots of ‘em…what’s going on, Ci?”

“Oh, yeah…that.” She looked down, unable to meet his eyes. “Come on. I need to lay down. We’ll talk in here.” She took hold of his hand and pulled him to her bedroom, climbing up on the bed without concern for the undies flash she’d just given him.

Jesus. Satin, blue…he thought he was going to die. Adjusting himself quickly before she turned around and noticed, he plastered a fake smile on his face wondering how in the hell he’d ended up in a bedroom with an unmade bed, a beautiful, scantily clad woman and now…god…now a beautiful, scantily clad woman who was patting the empty spot of the bed next to her in invitation. “Ci…I, uh…maybe I should…this isn’t a good time.

You’re sick.”

“Bullshit. I have all the time in the world. I just need to lay down. Come on…hop up here with me.” Clueless. She was completely clueless. Or was she? He hadn’t seen that look in her eyes before. What did it mean? Did she even know? Maybe it was because she was just sick.

Next thing Nick knew he had kicked off his shoes and was sitting propped up on her pillows and headboard. She pulled the blankets over his legs and curled up to his chest, allowing his arm to drape around her uncomfortably. She obviously had no idea what she was doing to him, or was so tired and crappy feeling, she just didn’t care. Kissing her head lightly, he searched deep and wide for his voice and finally found it after taking a huge gulp of air. “So, uh…Ci…boxes. You gonna talk?”

“Oh yeah,” she snuggled in closer, wanting to hold on to what she knew was true and real and…and right? Yes, this was right. As wrong as it was, there was something very right about being in her friend’s arms like this. “Well, you see…I’m moving.”

“I kinda figured…”

“Yeah, and uh…to Tennessee.”

“Tenness-…when?”

“Two weeks.”

“Two wee-? But…I mean…why Tennessee? What’s…when…” Nothing sensible would come out. Tennessee? Why? Now? Would he ever see her again after this?

“Well, um, that’s where Bill’s from, and uh…”

“Oh…” The hand that had been so sweetly rubbing her shoulder stopped and flopped to the pillow behind her. They’re getting married. Here it comes.

“Well, you see…” She sat up, needing to have his eyes for this one. She needed reassurance she was doing the right thing. Hopefully, even though he was young and inexperienced at love, he could understand and give that to her. “…Bill can’t seem to find work here, but his dad found something for him back home, so…he asked me to move up there with him.”

“And you’re just gonna dump your job here…your life here and go?”

“Well, yeah. If you want to look at it that way, yeah. I can easily get another nursing job there. He lives 5 minutes away from a hospital and they have openings in pedes and gen med.”

“Gen med?”

“Sorry…general medical floors. I’d hate it, but it’ll be a foot in the door. Anyway, so, I’m going and, uh…”

“Hang on…gimme your hand.” She’d had her arm wrapped around his waist while snuggled up to him, but when she sat up he could swear he saw…no. No, no, no, no, no, no!

“Oh, yeah, there’s more to the story.” She held out her left hand to him and watched as his gaze lowered to the small chip of a diamond mounted on a silver band. “He asked me to marry him. I’m getting married, Nick.”

“I see that.” He slowly brought his gaze up to her green eyes, darkened with sickness and…sadness? Why weren’t her eyes dancing? She was getting married. Sick or not, those strands of green and yellow should be bouncing off the walls. But they weren’t.

Dark. Dismal. He felt like he’d been kicked in the gut. In the balls. In the heart. He felt like he just might throw up.

“Yeah…I move in two weeks and in two months, I’m getting married.”

“I’ll be gone again.”

Why wasn’t he happy for her? He was supposed to be reassuring her here and he wasn’t.

He almost looked like he could cry. No. That was absurd. “I know. We’re coming back here though for the wedding, so…I mean…you could...you’ll be gone.” She lowered her gaze again, realizing he couldn’t even be at her wedding. There was no way. “I’m sorry, Nick. I didn’t even think about the timing with your schedule.”

“Are you thinking at all, Ci? You don’t seem very happy about this.”

“I don’t know what else to do.”

“Since when are you out of options? And since when does someone get married because they don’t know what else to do!?”

And since when did a teenager get so damned logical and sensible? “Well, I mean, he loves me, and…it was upsetting Mom and Dad that I move up there without being married, so…”

“Wait, wait, wait. You’re getting married to please your parents??? What the hell, Ci!”

“No, I’m getting married because…because…” Why the hell am I getting married again?

I keep forgetting.

“Because you love him? Please tell me you love him, Ci.” I don’t want to hear it, but please tell me. He found the underside of her chin with his finger and lifted her face to his. This he had to see with his own eyes, not her fumbling, disjointed words.

“Of course, I mean…yeah…” She couldn’t look at him anymore. She took his finger from her chin and kissed it, curling back up to his chest, hoping somehow this conversation could just dwindle down and disappear.

And it did. Sort of. “Okay. Congratulations then. You’re getting married.” Woopie.

He brought his free hand up to rub her shoulder again, and kissed her head…it was all he’d ever get, he figured, so might as well make the best of it. She was getting married.

And leaving. And he was so afraid. And so was she…and he knew it, and somehow him knowing her fear brought her great comfort.

Chapter Thirty Two

“Cici…honey, wake up. You need to eat again.” Nick pulled his arm from around her, and propped her up on the pillows instead of on his chest. They’d been napping off and on for a few hours since her scare and his arm was numb.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, okay.” She felt the movement on the bed and came to, feeling incredibly hungry. “Yeah, I do need to eat. I’m starved.”

“Good. Why don’t you check your blood first?”

“Yeah, good plan. You okay?”

He was shaking out his arm and stretching out the kinks of sleeping in such an awkward position, groaning like an old man. “Yeah, I’m fine. What time is it?”

“Um…4. Why?”

“Shit. I’ve got to get to the stadium by 7.”

“What for? Oh God, that’s right…you’re singing. I totally forgot about that. You nervous?”

“Hell yes, I’m nervous. I’ve not done that song alone since…Jesus. Since before the guys.

I agreed to this why?” His smile was back. She didn’t think he’d had one on since she woke from her little stunt earlier.

“Because you kick ass and they asked you and it’s the final home game of the season.

You should be honored.”

“Come with me?”

“Sure. I haven’t been to a game in ages.” Looking at the monitor, she happily chucked it up on her nightstand. “Okay, I need another shower and this time…I’d like company.”

“Can we…do you mind waiting to do it at my house? I need to change.”

“Yeah, cool. Pick up pizza on the way?”

“Of course.”

“And Nick?”

“Yeah…” He knew what was coming. They needed to talk. He hated talking. But she was right.

“We need to talk about the other day. I don’t want…I just want…shit. Let’s shower and eat and maybe I’ll be coherent.”

“Deal. Shower, food, talk, sing. Let’s go.”

***

“Jeeeeeeezhush!” Ciara pulled the long strand of cheese from her teeth, quickly tossing the errant slice of pizza on her plate. “Hah…hah…hah!” Chewing quickly and carefully, she fanned the air in front of her mouth wondering how after 26 years of pizza eating one could completely make a mess of it every time.

“Hot?” Nick couldn’t keep his giggle back, watching her fight the battle with cheese and too hot tomato sauce. “You okay, dingbat?”

“Damn!” She grabbed a napkin and wiped stray sauce from her chin and cheeks, looking at him sheepishly. “I suck.”

“You suck quite well, my dear. Eat a breadstick while it cools.” He stuck a breadstick in her face, yanking it away quickly as she grabbed for it. “Too slow.”

“Brat. Gimme that.”

“Kiss me first.”

“Ugh, do I have to?”

“Yes.” He leaned over for a kiss, holding the breadstick just out of reach. Italian kisses.

Yum. “You taste like cheese.”

“Gimme the breadstick.” She swiped it from him right after she kissed him again, knowing he was useless to the fight once her tongue reached his. “You’re easy.”

“So I’ve heard. So, uh…the other day. I guess I owe you an apology.”

“Probably, but it’s mutual. I owe you an explanation. I know you’ve known me for 10

years, but, uh…maybe you really don’t know me.”

“Teach me, then. I want to know you, Ci.”

Since when did pizza talk get serious? And when did his eyes get so…so…translucent?

Clear? Beautiful? No, they’d always been beautiful. He seemed so grown up all of a sudden. Even with that little drip of sauce on the corner of his mouth.

“In time, Nick, in time.” She leaned in again and licked the escaped sauce from his mouth, stealing yet another kiss. They’d already taken a much too long shower. If they kept eating this way he’d show up for his National Anthem gig well after the dawn’s early light. Not good.

“No, now, Ci. I don’t want to fuck up again like that. I thought I was doing a good thing.”

“And you were…it’s me. I just…especially after a long stretch, I like my own bed. My own time, my own sleep. I loved what you did, but I was just too tired and I ached too much.” She stuck the remainder of her breadstick in his face, inviting him to take a bite.

“You couldn’t have just sucked it up for a few hours?” Bite. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” She put the stick down and wiped her hands, tossing the napkin on her plate. Would this analogy be fair? She’d have to try. “So you come home from a 10

month tour. Never made it home for even a weekend. What’s the first thing you want?” Nick looked down realizing what she was saying, a bit anyway. “My bed, my shower, my home.”

“Yep. And I know 6 twelve hour shifts strung together is nothing like 10 months on tour.

I’d had my bed every day after work, but…I guess what’s more important is that I’m USED to having that now. That’s what I want. It was all I was looking forward to at work.”

“Okay, I get it. So next time I wanna do something like that for you, I should have it catered at YOUR place?”

“Now THAT would have been nice. But, Nick?”

“Yeah?”

“I did love it. I wish I could have been aware enough to just ‘suck it up’ and enjoy it. I HATE that I’m so single-minded. So selfish. I’ve just been on my own so much, that…”

“You forget to let anyone in. It’s a trend with you, Ci.”

“Yeah, I suppose it is. And I’m trying to change that.”

“I know you are. I think I just got a bit carried away too soon. I’m sorry.”

“Just know…please…” She reached up and touched his face, rubbing a thumb over his cheek, “…that if I push you away like that, it’s just my independence sneaking up on me.

I’m not pushing YOU away…I’m just used to being alone. I get crowded.” He nodded and turned to kiss the palm of her hand. “I understand crowded. Believe me.”

***

“Okay, who forgot to notify someone and remind them we’re in frickin’ FLORIDA here…it’s not supposed to be cold.” Ciara pulled her coat around her more tightly, shivering as the bitter air whipped through her hair and pants legs.

“No damned idea. I’m gonna freeze my ass off out there with nothing blockin’ me.”

“Yeah, you are. A Nick-sicle.”

Nick pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms around her from behind and nuzzled into her neck. “Does that mean you’ll lick me up later?” His voice was deep, husky, almost a whisper so others around them wouldn’t hear.

“If you sing pretty, I might.”

He nipped at her earlobe and stood up straight seeing his cue to follow the program director closer to the field. “Okay, I’m on…you gonna wait here?”

“Hell no, I’m goin’ up to our box. I’ll see you there.”

“Chicken.”

“Sing pretty and you’ll get your reward.”

She quickly made her way up to their club seats, happy to be away from the wintry air.

Unseasonably cold for Florida. She hated it. Tossing her coat on a chair, she ordered two Coronas and sat down to watch her man in action. It had been years since he’d done this, but she had been there then too. She just never was in the box seating and he never looked this good. Damn him.

He walked proudly to the 50 yard line, arm in arm with the interpreter. Knowing him, he hadn’t been told to do that, but grabbed her to keep them both warm. The suede and light fur of his coat blended in with his fair skin and hair. At one glace, he looked miniscule on the large field. At another, he was towering, proud and strong. He glanced up to their 40 yard line box and offered a half smile, one that would go unnoticed by anyone but Ciara.

Getting his cue, he nodded slightly and adjusted his ear piece. He pulled away from the mic to clear his throat, clenching his fists in nerves and sheer chills from the air.

Without the loss of another second, he began. Damn, what 10 years of growth and 3

months of no tour could do to that guy’s voice.

She quietly sat in her seat, smiling at the waiter as he brought the bottles of beer and plate of limes. Look at him. Just look at him. No accompaniment. No sound, even from the crowd now that he’d opened his mouth to sing. A few boos had preceded him. A Backstreet Boy. Who the hell cared? But then…then…they could do nothing but listen to him; remove their hats and listen to him.

Reflecting on the past 10 years, on the past 4 months as an American, and the past few months in Nick’s life, a tear escaped its confines in Ciara’s eye and ran down her cheek.

He was beautiful. He was everything she’d ever dreamed of…everything she’d ever wished for. And she still couldn’t believe it. Still couldn’t let go of her hold on…on…on whatever it was she was clinging to. It had lost its definition, but yet, she still clung.

Shaking her head from the contemplative mode she had settled in, she propped her feet up on the small table, tossed her head back and listened to his voice…let it take her away like it had so many times before.

“And the rockets red glare; the bombs bursting in air gave proof to the night that the flag was still there.”

Chapter Thirty Three

“OH say, does that Star Spangled Banner yet wa-ave.”

“Oh God, here he goes…hang on people!” Brian grabbed onto the sofa just anticipating the chills that would run down his spine.

“For the la-and of the freee-eeeeee! And the home of the brave!” Cheers from the family room at the Carter residence rose to the sky as they watched Luther Vandross quietly walk off the field from his spot on the 50 yard line of the Louisiana Dome. Super Bowl Sunday was always a time for a party and since the boys were still on break, Jane decided to host a party for them all.

And the best part? She had convinced Ciara to stop unpacking long enough in Tennessee and come back down for it. She needed to pick up her car anyway, so with a one way plane ticket and a long car ride alone, all of that was arranged.

“Damn, that guy can SANG!” Brian finally plopped down on the couch, almost on top of AJ, making them all shift spots and grumble at the intrusion.

“Don’t you look before you put your bony ass somewhere?”

“Bony ass? Me? Yeah, right, Bone. Whatever.”

“Jesus…I’ll move. I thought I was the baby here.”

“You ARE!” 4 boys. 4 voices. In unison. No wonder they were a group. They even talked at the same damned time.

“Move over, Ci…I’m jumpin’ in.” Ciara had been enjoying the extra room of a large oversized chair all to herself…until now. Oh well, talk about bony. She scooted over, snuggling into Nick’s chest as he sat down, remembering falling asleep like that just a few weeks prior when she was sick. Felt like home.

Home. What the hell WAS home anyway now?

Tampa didn’t feel like it much anymore. Nick was never there. Deanna was working days, Ciara was working nights. Mom and Dad? Lindsey? Yeah, right. Sisters? One married and pregnant and one in the dark. Bill was in Tennessee and had been since Christmas. Even so, Tennessee surely wasn’t home; she had a hunch it never would be.

But this? Here? Not the location, but the people, the surroundings, the…yeah, everything. This was home. What did that mean?

It meant that after tomorrow, after she got in her car to drive up I-75, she was virtually homeless. Wonderful.

“You okay?”

“Hmm? Yeah…I’m good. Watch the game, Carter. Boy’s night. I’m just here for the food.”

“Yeah, you’d better say that. Patriots are goin’ down.”

“You wish.”

“Aaaaaaannnnnnddd…it’s kick-off!” Kevin came out of his typical big brother mode and enjoyed the game for once. However did he manage without a woman on his arm? Ciara hated him. And she couldn’t figure out why. Maybe she wasn’t being fair. He seemed nice enough now.

Okay, so Nick was right. The Patriots went down. Packers, 35; Patriots, 21. Dammit. He was taking it like a real adult too. Needling her side, sticking out his tongue, making up retarded songs about how bad the Patriots were. Moron. It wasn’t that she was a huge Patriots fan. It was more that she hated powerhouses. Patriots were the underdogs.

Unless it was the Bucs, she always cheered for the underdogs. This time, it meant a loss.

Oh well.

What it also meant was that it was time for the party to disperse, for her to head to bed and for morning to be around the corner. Which meant leaving. Which meant goodbye’s. Good-bye’s of a different variety this time. She would drive Nick to the studio in Orlando and head on up the road. In a matter of hours.

Snapping her out of her funk, Aaron saddled up to her and bumped her hip with his. He was shoulder height now, seemingly growing an inch after each time she’d see him. A short boy compared to Nick, but somehow she thought that may not last. “You spendin’

the night, Ci?”

“Yep. I don’t have a home down here anymore.”

“You’ve always got ours.”

She smiled and ruffled his long hair. “I know, buddy. You gonna camp out in the guest room with me tonight?”

“You want me to?”

“Sure! Get your sleeping bag. You get the floor.”

“Cool! Mom!” Aaron took off down the hall in search of his mother, a sleeping bag and a pillow. An overnighter with Ci was going to be fun.

“You sure you wanna do that? He’s gonna keep you up all night talkin’.”

“Well, yeah…” Ciara started picking up the trash left over from the riotous party. Okay, not so riotous, but damn, those boys knew how to make a mess. “Maybe if he keeps me up all night, morning won’t come.”

Before he could say anything, she slid by him on her way to the kitchen, hands full of dirty plates and cups. “Morning’s gonna come, Ci. And you’re gonna be gone.” He ran a hand through his hair and sulked down the hallway, hoping to slide off to sleep before he could think one more moment about what this whole thing would mean. Home wasn’t home without Ci. Now, now even HE felt homeless.

***~

At some point in the early hours of the morning, Aaron’s vocal stamina lost to his body and he fell asleep mid-sentence. Fortunately, the alcohol in Ciara’s system from the party took over and she was able to slide into a somewhat peaceful sleep, especially considering she wasn’t in her own bed. Of course, her own bed wasn’t her own anymore.

She shared it with a blanket-hogging oaf now. It’d only been a week; she figured it had to get better.

Stretching out the kinks from her deep slumber, she crawled out of bed and promptly tripped on a large lump on the floor. “Oh yeah. Aaron. He does shut up, huh?” She giggled at the memory of the insane conversations they’d had last night. One topic would run into the other, plowing firmly into something that had nothing to do with what they were just speaking of. She hadn’t laughed like that in weeks.

Ruffling her hair, she made her way down the long hallway to the kitchen, being lured by the smells of coffee, bacon and eggs. Yum. She slid into the bathroom for her shot and groaned at the reflection in the mirror. These short curls did NOT like morning. Looked like a mottled poodle.

Giving up on the beautiful look, she finally met up with the great smells Mrs. Carter was creating. Nick was already there, scarfing down a plateful of food like it was his last supper. She plopped down on a bar stool next to him, kissing his bare back before her landing. “’Mornin’ sunshine.”

He shoved a huge forkful of food in his mouth and simply nodded. If he’d have had a voice before that second, she just stole it. Damn. Just keep chewin’, Carter. Do not speak. You’ll squeak.

“’Mornin’, Ciara…sleep okay?” Jane served up a plate of food to her guest, looking sickeningly chipper for such an ungodly hour.

“Yeah, once Motor Mouth fell asleep. Does he have an “off” switch y’all forgot to tell me about?”

“We haven’t found it yet. If you do, you’ll tell us?”

“Scouts honor.” Ciara did not want today to be today. She couldn’t imagine how long the drive to Orlando was going to be. Would it be silent? Tear-filled? Talkative? Nothing sounded good. “So you ready for our ride out today?”

“Mmmm?” Gulp. “Mom…OJ.” He coughed and choked, attempting to look like he was parched when in reality he just didn’t want to have to talk yet. Ciara’s bare lips were still burning a hole on his back and damn if she didn’t look incredibly adorable in another one of his shirts and those stupid mouse slippers. How the hell was she getting those anyway?

“Manners, Nick.”

“Please.” Cough. Sputter. Finally, he was rewarded with a huge glass of juice and he gulped it down almost in one fell swoop. “Thanks. And yes,” finally turning to Ciara.

“I’m ready. Want to get this stupid song we’re working on done.”

“Stupid? You just tired of it or is it stupid?”

“It’s stupid. I’m…will you have time to hang around for a bit to hear what we’ve got so far?”

“Depends on how quick we can leave.”

“Give me five.”

“Oh! Uh, give me 30. I need a shower.”

“Okay, 30. Meet you at the car.” He hopped up and decided to chance it. What the hell.

Her lip burn was permanently etched on his back now. He might as well return the favor.

As he slid between the stools at the bar, he leaned down and kissed her cheek. Nothing big. Nothing major, but it pulled her away from her plate and caused her to watch him leave.

What the hell was that all about?

***

“I’ll be in in a minute. Need something to drink.” Ciara dropped Nick off at the back entrance to Parc Studios, while she pulled around front hoping to find a pop machine or something. Besides, she just felt weird sliding in the back way; it wasn’t made for her.

She took her time meandering the halls, looking at pictures of previous artists who had recorded there and finally made her way into Studio A. “Stupid,” as Nick had said earlier, didn’t even begin to define what she heard once inside.

If you like it innovative

Better get someone creative, honey

Yes

And if you wanted it to be jammin'

Gotta get somebody slammin' baby

“What the hell is THIS!?” Ciara slid into a chair beside Kevin and watched, mouth hanging open at Nick as he laid down his vocals inside the booth.

Kevin’s eyes grew big and visibly shooshed her with a finger to his lips and eyes averting to a large, bearded man sitting at the sound board.

“…this, this…paper I found in my car…” Saving herself from further embarrassment, she slid a scrap piece of paper over to Kevin to help cover her faux pas. Without a word, her eyes questioned as to who the man was.

“Oh, that,” Kevin played along and looked at the scrap of paper, “…come on outside. I’ll explain.” Kevin took her by the arm and led her back into the hall.

By the time the large studio door closed, Ciara was a fit of giggles, nervous she’d just made an ass of herself and in hysterics of the lyrics Nick was singing.

“Nick? A bad boy? Innovate? Creative? What the hell does a 17 year old know about sexual innovation???”

“No shit, huh? Sorry ‘bout that. That dude’s the composer.”

“Oh God.” Ciara covered her mouth with her hand, eyes huge in surprise. “I’m sorry, Kev.

Jeez.” She controlled her laughter and pulled it together. “Thanks for saving me there, but uh…that song’s crap.”

“Don’t we know it. And he’s a great producer and songwriter. I don’t know what’s up with this.”

“Who is he?”

“Mutt Lange.”

“The rock and roll dude? Def Leppard? You’ve got to be-…wow.” She leaned back against the wall amazed that she’d brushed up with someone ‘famous.’ Back to Nicky’s little warblings, though she had to ask. “So why are you doing it…and why is the baby singing about things he knows little about?”

“Politics are more crap than the song right now. They’re trying to convince us to make it our first single in the states.”

“You’ll be laughed clear to Antarctica.”

“Don’t I know it. We’re workin’ on talkin’ them out of it.”

“Gads…uh…now I’m curious. Can I go back in?” Somehow watching Nick sing about sex was damned entertaining…and not in the sexy way either. Comical. Unbelievably comical.

Kevin smiled, happy to be having a civil conversation with Ciara. It had always been tense, to say the least. This was nice. She was nice. Hopefully she’d see he wasn’t the ogre she seemed to think he was. “Yeah, sure…let’s go watch him work it.”

“Work it” was questionable. Struggle to be serious was more accurate, and looking up to see Ciara watching him did not help one bit. He flushed, stuttered, forgot words. Poor kid was a mess.

“Okay, Nick. Take a break, bud. Your brain has obviously left the building.” Mutt clicked off the two way mic and turned to his audience. “What’d you do to him? He was fine ‘til you walked in.”

Now Ciara was blushing. Mutt-frickin’-Lange was taunting her. Dear God. “Sorry. I’m leaving shortly anyway.”

Mutt chuckled and waved her off. “You’re fine. He’s not focused now anyway. We’ll get it later. Where’s Brian?”

“Out in the lobby. Want me to get him?”

“I can, Kev. Seriously…hey…” She leaned up a cheek as Nick approached allowing him to softly kiss it again. The one from this morning left her curious but happy for the comfort he felt giving it. “Seriously, I’m headed out here. I can send him in on my way.”

“Heading back to Tennessee?”

“Yeah,” she looked down, trying to still avoid the unavoidable. “To Tennessee.”

“Be safe, Ci…” Kevin peeked down, trying to get her attention and when he succeeded offered her a warm, comforting smile.

Returning the gesture, she finally looked up and firmed her back in resolve. “Yes, I’ll be safe. Thanks, Kev. Walk me out, Nick?”

“Yeah…” He hadn’t looked up since he kissed her cheek hello. He hated this. Wanted it to go away. Wanted to keep her here. But it wasn’t going to happen.

They silently walked hand in hand to the lobby, occasionally bumping shoulder to arm, looking at each other with shy smiles. Brian had just come from around the corner, figuring he may be needed and bumped clean into them.

“Oh! Goodness! I’m sorry!”

“No prob, you’re wanted inside anyway.”

“Yeah, I thought it might be time. You, uh…you headed up, Ci?”

“Yeah…time to go.” She leaned her head on his shoulder without so much as a thought.

His arms wrapped around her, as she continued to hold Nick’s hand, arms at her sides.

No. She was not going to cry. Not in front of Brian and especially not in front of Nick.

“Don’t forget what I told you, Ci,” Brian whispered in her ear. She perked up and pulled back looking at him questioningly. “Anytime, I’m here for you. In fact, here…” He let go of her and pulled out a card from his pocket. “Email, cell, all of it. And, uh, we planned ahead…AJ and Howie’s are on the back for you. Anytime, you got it?” She took the card and laid her head back on his shoulder, still not hanging on to him.

She felt too weak, too helpless to even reach up right now. She may never let go. “Got it.

Anytime.”

Rubbing her back and kissing the top of her head, “Okay, I’m gonna go be a bad boy.” Ciara giggled against his shoulder. “That song sucks.”

“Yes, it do. Drive safe, kiddo. I’ll talk to you soon.” And he was off. And here stood Nick.

Damn.

“Come on…out to my car.”

Again no words were exchanged as they walked, although this time his arm draped her shoulder and she let her head rest in the crook of his arm. She fit perfectly there. Once at her car, she took hold of his hands and finally met his gaze. “Nick…this is NOT the end of things here. I’m going to see you again.”

“Yeah, but when, Ci? When I’m home I’m not gonna have time to run up there, and I doubt hubby will be thrilled with you comin’ down here.” The way he said ‘hubby’ was like it was a pile of dog shit. Hubby. Maybe it was.

“I don’t know when, Nick. But I’ll be damned if Bill keeps me from you, OR your family.

It’ll work. It’ll have to.”

There was nothing left to say. No promises could be made, not with any sincerity anyway. They just had to trust that the past 5 years of friendship would outlast anything.

“Oh, here…I have numbers and stuff for you too. More than you’ve had before. There’s an ICQ number too.” He reached around to his back pocket, which was hanging about thigh high from the huge jeans he was wearing. “Here. It’s uh…I kinda sat on it.”

“That’s okay…thanks.” Looking at the list, “What’s ICQ?”

“Oh, it’s cool. Gamers use it all the time. It’s an instant messaging thing. It’s just like you’re talking…as soon as you send, the other person gets your message.”

“Oh, wow…okay, do I have to download something?”

“Yeah, um…you got a pen?”

“Yeah, and I have my new numbers in here too.” She opened the door and leaned across the driver’s seat digging in her purse for the paper and a pen. His hand never left her back. He couldn’t let go. “Here it is. Phone, address, email, work number and Bill’s parents phone and address. I think that covers it.”

“God, Ci. I’m not gonna chase you at work!” He jotted a url on her paper and handed it back. “That’s where to download that program. It’s real easy. Just email me your number before you message me. That way I’ll know it’s you.”

“K…I’ll do that.” She crinkled the paper up in his hands and finally met his eyes.

Dammit, they were moist with tears. One blink and…yep…there one went.

She reached up and wiped it away with her thumb, never letting go of his hands. He turned and kissed her palm, finally bending down to swallow her up in a hug. No words, just breathing and holding and not wanting to let go. Eventually, slowly, they pulled away from one another and tried to find a word other than “goodbye.”

“Drive safe.”

“I will. Amaze your fans.”

“I will.” He wanted to kiss her so badly but thought better of it. It didn’t seem like the right time. Thing was, he wasn’t sure he’d ever GET a right time. “Ci, I want you to know…I mean…I…”

“Don’t Nick, please. Just…just don’t.”

“Okay, yeah. OH! God! Can you wait right here. I forgot to grab something on my way out.”

“Oh Nick…I don’t wanna go through this again. Can’t you mail it to me?” Pout. God, he was good at that. “Just…” He started hopping back, trying to talk and run off at the same time. “Just wait right here…I promise. ONE minute.” And he was off.

Dammit. She did NOT want another good bye hug, look, touch, thought. She just wanted to be gone. She opened her car door again and plopped down in the driver’s seat, feet resting on the edge and chin propped in her hand.

He was good. One minute and no more, she heard him jogging over to her. “Sorry. Here.

I wanted you to have these for your drive. And…yeah, and to have ‘em.” He squatted down to her level so he could see her reaction.

“What are they?” She took the stack of three CD cases, and flipped them over to possibly find a label.

“That one’s our first CD. I never gave you a copy. Can’t get ‘em here in the US yet.”

“You look so young in it already. God, Nick.”

“Yeah, I know. It has some extra tracks you can’t get lots of places too.” He took the stack back from her shuffling to the second one. “This has our demos and stuff for what we’re doing for this album. Nothing final, real uncut, but…I wanted you to hear it first, and uh this one…well, I had Mook make an 80’s mix for your drive. You know, Journey, Def, that kind of stuff. Stuff we like on the boat. So, uh…so you don’t forget me.” There went her tear, sliding down her face. Never looking up, but brushing her hand on his as she took the stack from him, she could only whisper, “I’ll never forget you, Nick.” His eyes were firmly transfixed on the stack of CD’s. “Look at me.” His blue eyes slowly met her green, both deep with color and concern. “This isn’t forever, honey.”

“I know…it just feels like it.” He couldn’t take it anymore, so he quickly leaned in and kissed her cheek, “Now go on…” holding the door while she tucked her legs in the car.

He shut the door softly and turned back to the studio, letting her pull out of the parking spot.

With one final wave and weak smile, he watched as her tail lights disappear past the gated entrance. “I love you, Ci.”

“I love you, Nick.”

***

The flood of tears that washed from her eyes could have never been expected. At one point, she had to pull over on I-4 out of fear she would run clean into the car in front of her. By the time she was off the Toll Road and on I-75, she had calmed down enough to drive pretty well. A few stops for bathroom and food breaks and before she knew it, eight hours had passed, and she was pulling into her apartment complex in Knoxville.

So dull. So boring.

Trying to make the best of it, she ignored the pain in her hips and took the stairs two at a time, almost anxious to see Bill. Almost.

“Hey honey! I’m ho-…” No, not home. “I’m back!”

Not even looking up from the TV, Bill welcomed her “home”. “It’s about damned time.

What’s for dinner?”

Chapter Thirty Four

“Aarrgghh! I take it you’re hungry.”

Ciara ducked from under Nick’s incessant nuzzling into her neck where he had spent the last few minutes growling and kissing and generally driving her crazy.

“Fooooooooooooooooooooooooood!”

“NICK! Stop it!” She smacked at him playfully and pulled away from his grasp, running to his truck waiting in valet.

“Yes, I’m hungry. And I like your neck. Thought I could just find somethin’ in there for me.” Before closing the door behind her, he peeked into the passenger side and nuzzled into the warmth of her neck one more time. “Foooooooooooooooooooood!”

“Get in the car, you brat. I’m freezing.”

Nick tipped the valet and slid into the truck, silent for a few moments as he made his way through the traffic leaving the game. The Bucs had lost. Again. He didn’t lose well, but having Ciara here made it much more tolerable.

She cranked up the heat, rubbing her hands together in front of the vent. This sucked. If she wanted winter, she’d move to Nebraska…or back to Tennessee. No thank you.

Shaking herself out of that awful memory, she looked to Nick with a smile, still amazed it was him. Nick. Nicky. Here. “Okay, so where we goin’, Mr. Hungry Man?”

“Wanna head to Ybor?”

“Sure, but let’s just do a restaurant; no club tonight, please.”

“Oh…yeah, okay, I guess so.” He didn’t hide his disappointment well. He hadn’t hit the clubs since her work stretch and while that was barely a week ago, he was itching to get back. Ciara preferred small bars over the club scene. Nick loved it though, especially the perks of VIP. Party atmosphere with enough privacy he could let his hair down and just play. He’d have to wait until she worked another stretch it seemed. Good enough.

“You wanna go clubbing?”

“Yeah, but I can wait. I know you don’t like it. No biggie.” He looked back to the traffic in front of him and put the truck in park. It was gonna be awhile. “You okay with waiting?

Do you have to eat right now?”

“Nah, I’m good. I’ve got granola if I get real hungry.” She laid her head back on the headrest and rolled to look at him. His hair was already getting dark from the suns’

lightening of it on the cruise. And long? The boy needed a haircut. She reached out and ran her fingers through the silken strands, running a finger down the edge of his earlobe.

“You sounded fabulous tonight.”

“Mmmm…thanks. Reverb is a good thing.”

“Well, yeah, but your voice sounded real clean and clear. You could tell you’ve been resting it.”

“Yeah, felt good. I was scared to death this time.”

“I can imagine. No one to catch you like you’re used to. You kicked ass though, baby.”

“I liked having you up there. Wish you would have come to some of our shows last tour.

I kept expecting to see you, at least at the Florida shows.”

“I was in Tampa.”

“You were not!” He turned and looked at her, looking away when she eyeballed the slowly moving traffic in front of them. “Oops…” He crept forward a few feet and jammed the car in park again. “Why didn’t you call me or something?”

“I was with Dee…didn’t wanna get into that mess. I dunno. It was nice just being a fan again. No perks, no behind the scenes stuff.”

“But I missed you, Ci. God…I can’t believe you didn’t call.”

“Sorry…you were only in for that night weren’t you? What’d you do after the show?”

“Yeah, left the next day…um, what DID I do? That was a long time ago now. Tampa. I stayed at Wyndham. Oh yeah, I uh…I went out.”

“Out? Ah…a secretive ‘out’. Traffic again.”

“Jeez, I’m zoned here. You, uh…you really don’t wanna know where I went.” She didn’t? Hmmm…maybe she didn’t. Drop THAT subject. “Fair enough. It was a good show though.”

“Just like any other, probably.”

“Yeah, most likely. Do you ever remember specifics from one to the next?”

“Not much, no. You remember how it is…signs all over the venues reminding us what city we’re in. It gets all blurry. From where we stand, every venue is the same. The outdoor shows gave us some variety anyway.”

“Yeah, those would have been nice. Traffic.”

“Looks like it’s clearing up here…Brewing Company good?”

”Perfect.”

***

“Fish ‘n Chips and a Red Eye, please.”

“Miss?”

“Same with a One Night Stand.”

“I’ll bring ‘em right out!” The waiter took their menus and quickly disappeared into the crowded restaurant.

Nick made a quick scan of the room, checking for rabid fans, and finding none, took Ciara’s hand in his. “Getting warmer finally?”

“Yeah, finally.” They spent a few moments just being quiet. Neither knew the others thoughts, or for that matter, cared. They weren’t really in touch with their own, just enjoying the time together, being a couple, feeling the satisfaction that brought. She brushed her thumb on the tops of his knuckles, noticing at how old her hands were looking, especially compared to his. Not wanting to think about it, she broke the reverie.

“So, what DID you do for New Year’s? You weren’t sure what was gonna happen last we talked.”

“Oh, yeah, I went to Club Fun. They put me on mic for awhile. Was cool.”

“How was the morning?”

“Sucked. So did the next one.”

“Twice, huh? You party animal, you.”

“I can take it.”

Her eyes narrowed at him, not wanting to cast any kind of judgment on this behavior.

Yet. It was New Year’s after all, but she had noticed a trend of excessiveness every time he went out. Which was a lot. And whenever she worked. Which could be a lot as well.

Instead, she turned a mildly maternal cheek. “Just be careful, Nick, huh?”

“I’m careful. It was New Year’s.”

“Okay…” Looking up to the waiter, thankful for the break in the conversation, she took her mug and held it up to Nick. “To a wonderful new year.” Touching the lip of his mug to hers, he smiled. “Yeah…wonderful sounds good. We need one.”

No kidding. Both of them. Now that the cruise was over, Nick wasn’t quite sure what was next. Business wise, a lot was hanging in the balance and nothing was resolved. It made him crazy. For Ciara, her health was always hanging in the balance. Nothing new there.

But her heart. She was tired of it being broken and lonely. She hadn’t felt this full and complete and peaceful in years…if at all. And she had never been so afraid of it all before either.

Nick wiped the froth from his mouth with the back of his hand. “So, what did YOU do for New Years…how’d you ring it in at work?”

“Oh, let me tell you, baby. I was rockin’. Watched the ball drop with a CF patient while he wheezed beside me. Helped with a code and Deanna and I met for break. We shared a piece of carrot cake to celebrate the new year.”

“Bet you had one HELL of a hangover after that night!”

“Oh yeah, why do you think I passed out this morning?” Nick’s playful smile faded at the memory. He hadn’t been that frightened in a long time…possibly ever in his life. She was so pale, so clammy, so weak…and she was never any of those things. With Ciara, he always felt vibrant color, warmth and strength.

Within moments it had all been zapped from her. And within minutes, it slowly had come back. This disease was a strange one, a frightening one, but somehow she just charged right on through it like it was just another bump in the road. Why didn’t he ever feel like he had that kind of strength to get over even the smallest of obstacles?

“Hey…you’re awful melancholy. What’s up?” She’d watched him mentally walk away.

She was used to it, Nick always being a dreamer, a thinker. But tonight she didn’t expect it for some reason.

“Yeah…just thinkin’ about this morning, I guess. How do you do it, Ci?” He quickly finished off his large mug of homemade brew, signaling the waiter for another.

“Do what? Pass out or get back up again?”

“Ha. Ha. I mean, the physical stuff I kinda understand. Enough anyway…but I mean in here,” he pointed to his chest. “And here,” now to his head. “How do you deal with it?

It’s something different everyday.”

“I guess waking up and remembering that it could be something different every day helps. Nick, you have no idea how I’ve NOT dealt with this. You just caught me at a strong point….”

Her words drifted off as the waiter brought their food and Nick’s refill. She thought about her words as she took the plate. Had he caught her at a strong point or was he part of the reason for it?

Nodding his appreciation to the waiter, he offered her one of his “chips”. “Yeah, but you’ve always seemed strong to me, Ci. Always.”

“Mmmm…those are good.” Offering one of hers back, she continued, “I’m a good actress, Nick. And believe me, you’ve really…I mean…” She wiped her hand off from the extra salt and looked at him. “Okay, here’s the deal. I have almost always put up a front for you. The older, wiser one, maybe? I dunno. You’ve seen me sicker than hell, but when I’m well, dammit, I’m going to be completely well.”

“Why? Why protect me like that? You still can’t be yourself around me? After all we’ve…” He stopped himself. It was that age thing again and he knew it. She had been protecting him from things for years. Maybe she just wasn’t used to not doing it anymore. Maybe she still didn’t think he could deal with it. Maybe she was right.

“Don’t, Nick. It’s nothing against you. I mean, maybe it used to be your age, but…you know, you seem to have some major secrets from me too. And I’m just not going to ask you for those parts of you until you’re ready.” She started eating again, watching him, reading him. Wondering if she really, totally knew him anymore. Somehow, she thought she did…even if he didn’t completely know himself.

“I’m afraid you’ll be ashamed of me. Disappointed in me.”

“Could be, Nick. But I’m not stupid. I can probably guess what some of your secrets are.” He lowered his gaze, concentrating on his food. “Probably.”

“And it is weird…because you never used to keep ANYTHING from me. But if you need to for now…then you need to.”

“Well, I never kept anything from you before because you could always read me like a damned book. Maybe this year apart put enough distance that you lost your touch.”

“Me!? Lost my touch!? No, no…you’re just playin’ in a pond I’m not familiar with now.” She stopped eating again, reaching over to touch his arm. “Nick, do you want to tell me something? You seem…I dunno…guilt-laden maybe?”

His humble stance changed quickly to one of almost cockiness. This was new. She didn’t like it. “Nah. I’m cool. I’m cool. I was really just wonderin’ how you put up with all the shit from feeling bad half the time.” He shoveled a forkful of fish in his mouth and smiled around the food, glad to have slid out of the conversation. No, he was not ready to tell her anything. Not now. He wasn’t ready to tell himself anything now either.

***

“Now, if I remember correctly…” Nick whispered while slowly unzipping Ciara’s coat and walking her back against the door, “…you promised me a reward if I sang pretty.”

“Well, well…that I did. What kind of reward did you have in mind, Pretty Boy?”

“Oh, I dunno…got a cheerleader outfit? We could live out a football fantasy or something.” He nuzzled into her neck, giggling at the absurdity of the thought and she squirmed away, hitting him on the arm.

“You are weird.” She took of her coat and reached up to his shoulders, removing his and tossed them both on a chair. “…and I like it.”

“Mmmm…good.” He cupped her face in his hands and leaned in for a kiss. Softly, slowly, text-book perfect. He pulled back to look in her eyes again before going back for another.

This time with just a bit more pressure, a bit more insistency, a bit more passion. But not too much. They had all night. They had all day.

Running her hands up in his hair, loving how the cool air almost softened it more, she tenderly licked at his bottom lip. He moaned at the simple gesture, pulling her in close for a more passionate kiss. He could never tire from kissing her, feeling her whole body pressed against his. He’d dreamed of it for so long and at times, still couldn’t believe it was really her. Really Ciara.

She pulled back, touching his cheek and looking deep in his eyes. “You know what I wanna do?”

“I know what I want to do…”

“Well, yeah…we’ll get there. But first, I want to go over to your couch, keep the lights down low and just…” she peeked up on her tiptoes to steal another quick kiss,

“just…make out.”

Who could argue? Taking her by the hand, he led her to the couch. She smiled shyly as she sat, patting the cushion next to her in invitation. “Come here.”

“Wait…one more thing.” He knelt down beside her and brought her legs up on the coffee table. “Let’s get more comfortable.” Slowly, methodically he untied her boots and pulled them off, kissing her ankles as her socked feet peeked out from the leather.

“Ah…much better. You too, now. Off with the shoes.”

Not so meticulously, he kicked off his shoes, snuggled in next to her and brought his feet up to the table, joining hers. “Damn, you have short legs, woman.”

“Yeah…I know.”

He turned to her, shifting on the couch so he was totally facing her and his legs could curl up, matching foot to foot…to foot to foot. “Now, let’s see if I can remember how to do this.”

“Starts with a kiss, Nick.”

“Like this?” He brushed a loose curl from her face, kissing the spot where it laid, slowly making his way to her lips. Oh yeah, he remembered. He definitely remembered.

And so did she. It was such a “girl” thing to do. Just making out. Hands only covering arms, shoulders, legs, faces. Kisses no lower than the neck. Benign. Junior High, but with the experience and familiarity to make it more powerful than any 14 yr. old could fathom. And how damned erotic could it be? Untouched passions being fulfilled only by the simplest of gestures.

Eventually those passions built and he had lowered her on her back, body on body, legs intertwining, lips still locked and hands still satisfied with preliminary touches. He began to kiss down her neck and dared to go beyond the unspoken limit to her chest. Of course she didn’t argue. Feeling cramped, though, he climbed off the couch onto his knees and took her by the hand. “Come down here. We’ll have more room.” They picked a spot out in the middle of the room, meeting lips from their position on their knees.

Now it was her turn to guide him on his back, rolling to his side, rolling on top of her, next side, back…over and over, kissing, fondling, loving. They couldn’t get enough, but they really didn’t want it to go any further…yet. Their passion continued on this blissful plateau, both totally lost in the moment, unaware of their surroundings, until…

“Beepbeep! Beepbeep!”

“Ignore it.” Ciara sucked on Nick’s earlobe and kissed her way down his neck.

“Mmmmm…it’s my work one.”

“So?” Back up to his scruffy beard, landing full force on his lips.

“If they’re…Ci…baby…stop.” He pulled back and hiked up on an elbow, tracing the neckline of her shirt. “It’s late. If it’s work at this hour, I need to answer it.” She flopped back on her back in resignation. “Okay. You’re right.” Rubbing her hand over her face, trying to clear her mind, she giggled as she watched him get up and gingerly walk over to his coat digging out his annoying cell. Thank God for being a woman…at least she could still walk while aroused.

“’lo?”

Emotionless. Few words. Ciara couldn’t tell who was on the phone and at this point, she didn’t care. They’d interrupted a very romantic moment, dammit. They were the enemy.

Not to be swayed, she got up and made her way into the kitchen and whipped up a few cups of hot chocolate. Hot chocolate in Florida. Yuck.

Nick was still on the phone when she was done. She caught his eye and looked to the stairs, telling him where to find her. Fortunately, he wasn’t too far behind her…but far enough.

“Sorry.” He stopped his purposeful stride and looked at her. Damn, she knew how to take an interruption and turn it around. She’d lit a few candles that remained from his attempted romance after her work stretch. A mug of hot chocolate was on his bedside table luring him closer. But the best lure of all…was her. In just the few moments he’d been gone, she’d stripped down completely, and was laying seductively under the sheets, her auburn curls shining against the dark green linens.

“Forgiven. Come here.”

As he quickly stripped himself of his clothes, he filled her in on the call. “Wanna go to California tomorrow?”

“What?”

“Well, Tuesday tomorrow…bright and early. Two days. Brian’s sick and Kev wants me to do the AMA’s with him. Come with me.”

“Ummmm…”

“Come on. No excuses. You’ve never been to an awards show with me.” He was right. There were no excuses. “We’ll be back before I need to be at work?”

“Yup.” He slid into the bed next to her, moaning softly as her warm body met up with his cold one. “No excuses, Ci. Come with me.”

“Come WITH you? It’d be my pleasure.”

***

Ciara woke, amazingly cold seeing as how she was not alone and buried underneath sheets, blanket and a huge comforter. When would this gawd-awful bitter weather break? Even more amazing was how well she slept away from home. Must have been her companion’s presence.

She rolled to her side, propping herself up on an elbow and keeping herself tucked under the covers. Peeking a hand out she lovingly ran a finger over the contours of Nick’s face as he slept. So peaceful. So much older looking than she thought he should be. How did they get here? Young friends to flirting friends to…whatever that mess was before. And now. Was there a word for what they had now? She couldn’t think of one, but whatever it was…she couldn’t trade it for the world.

Chapter Thirty Five

“What are you doing?” Bill batted at Ciara’s fingers that were tracing his face as he slept.

Thinking…she was just thinking.

“Just watching you sleep…sorry.”

“Well, you woke me up. Must you touch me all the time?”

“No, Bill. Excuse the hell out of me. Little old wife wants to actually TOUCH her husband. Whatever was I thinking?” Ciara whipped the blankets off of her, yanking them off Bill in the process and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

He angrily sat up and found the edge of the covers, pulling them up to his neck as he fell back into bed. “Good morning, Bill.” Maybe he could get back into the sleep he had been peacefully enjoying before she annoyed him awake.

Sadly, this scenario wasn’t new. The difference between living with Bill and being married to him only rested in the way Ciara signed her name. He was a prick before and had been the catalyst to many long distance phone calls to Deanna crying in her ear.

“Don’t go through with it.”

“Your parents will get over the disappointment.”

“You deserve better.”

The words were the same every time. Ciara never heard them. The wedding was small and meaningless with only a few friends and family members there. That in itself was a disappointment to Mom and Dad. Big Catholic wedding. Oh yeah, right. It was in a Catholic church and Bill “converted” to appease them. Whoopee. Too bad conversion to Catholicism didn’t make you a considerate and caring person.

And now he was unemployed again. If it wasn’t some injury keeping him from work, it was some “stupid boss” he decided he could no longer get along with. Ciara was financially footing the entire bill of their life together. Rent, cars, insurance, utilities, food and of course…medical costs. And Bill could wrack up his own mess of those.

“Messed up” back, sprained wrists, pulled tendons. Nothing that could be confirmed or denied via x-rays necessarily but all that could be aided with time off work, TLC from wifey, and if he was lucky, some of her pain medications. Fortunately, she only appeased him once with that. From that point on, they had to come from a doc. Either way, he was never working.

To make matters worse, the job at the hospital was awful. She didn’t get the pedes position because she didn’t have the years under her belt. Instead, she was relegated to general medical care. Fixing up minor surgery wounds, tending to mildly ill patients, cleaning up more poop and vomit than any one person should ever have to. Her boss was a lazy good-for-nothing and her pay was a major downgrade from what she had been making in Tampa. To sum it up in two words…

…life sucked.

As she contemplated this beautiful life while letting the warm water do miracles to her aching muscles, she tried, tried, tried to find good somewhere. Her sister had just had her baby right before the wedding, so at least she got to see her. She was an aunt and wore the title well. Even though distance kept her from Deanna, their friendship was something she never thought she’d have with another person. In her heart, Deanna was more of a sister than the one’s God had “blessed” her with. She missed her like mad.

Then, there was Nick. They hadn’t talked since their tearful good-bye’s in Orlando a few months back. She received a postcard from him reminding her to sign up for that ICQ

thing. So she did. And he was never online when she was. Naturally. But now, he was coming home again to finish up the album. But this time…this time she wasn’t going to be there. And she’d never felt more lonely in all her life.

And that was supposed to be the good.

***

N: is it really you?

C: Yep! We actually did it!

N: never thought it’d happen

C: Me either…How are you? Where are you?

N: I’m home

C: Oh…home.

N: I’m sorry. How’s married life?

C: My sister had her baby!

N: ??????

C: You know, those chubby, squirmy things that come out of a woman’s body now and again…a baby.

N: Got that, brat. Girl or boy? You’re ignoring my question.

C: Boy. Nick! I’m an aunt. You’re not happy.

N: I am too happy. You’re still ignoring my question.

C: I know I am. He’s beautiful, by the way…looks just like me.

N: Then he MUST be beautiful.

C: Thanks…How was your tour?

N: tour was good. Insane. Cold as hell.

C: How long will you be home?

N: A bit now. Gonna finish up the album, do some promo stuff in America finally. We’re gonna try here again.

C: That’s great! You think it’ll go better?

N: I hope so. There’s some new pop stuff out now that might help us crack into it. Not so grungy like it was before.

C: True. You can be the Spice Boys.

N: Uh…no…LOL

C: LOL?

N: Oh, that’s short for ‘laugh out loud’…kinda like a smile or somethin’

C: Jeez, I’ll need to learn a new language.

N: So, uh, I was wonderin’…

C: Uh-oh

N: Stop. Is there any way you could make it down while I’m home? You can stay with us, or your mom or something.

C: One) NEVER staying with my mother again.

N: Sorry…

C: Two) I can’t get any time off work until August, and then we’re talking a few days at best N: August? That’s when we’re takin’ off again…’til November C: I’m sorry…can you come up here?

N: I already asked. Mom won’t let me.

C: You’ve got to be kidding. You can go to Germany but not TN??????

N: yeah, right, huh? She wants me home when I’m home. And…I didn’t tell you this yet.

Aaron…get this….

C: Is he okay?

N: He’s GREAT! The little shit…in Germany…we let him sing a few songs b/c he’s so hyper and stuff during rehearsals…thought it might shut him up for awhile…

C: Yeah?

N: Some record company over there saw him. Signed him. He’s got a friggin’ contract and he’s only NINE!

C: WHAT!? You’ve got to be kidding me.

N: Nope. BUT, ever since, it’s like Mom’s lost her marbles.

C: Niiiiiick….that’s your mother….

N: Really? I mean it, Ci. It’s like she found this control switch or something and her finger is always on it.

C: Oooh…that’s not good.

N: Yeah, I know. So, anyway, I can’t come up there I’m sure.

C: I’m sorry, Nick. I really am.

N: It’s okay. We’re on the same time zone now. We’ll just meet up here. Maybe something will work out before we head out again.

C: Damn.

N: What?

C: I wanna see you. I miss you.

For the first time since their conversation started, it temporarily ceased. No more messages were received from Nick for what seemed like an eternity. No more messages were sent because he couldn’t find the right words. When he was touring, he’d miss her but it was so crazy busy that he’d be fine. But at home? Insanity. She’d always been there on breaks. Always. And now? Now he just had this stinkin’ computer screen. Finally, he took a breath and typed the only logical thing.

N: I miss you, too Ci.

C: So….you got a girlfriend yet?

N: So….you gonna tell me how married life is?

C: Okay, fine. I’ll get it out of you eventually.

N: Ditto.

C: I just heard assho-, uh…Bill slamming in the house. I’d better go.

N: Okay. Ciara…you deserve better.

C: Thanks, Nick. We’ll talk soon.

She quickly closed out the box and shut down the messenger service, not wanting to hear another word of wisdom from a 17 year old boy. Especially that one. What did he know anyway?

***

“Lindsey! How are you doing?” Distance could actually made the heart grow fonder. A phone call from Lindsey. Would miracles ever cease?

“I’m good, Ci. Just missed you and, uh talked to your sister. Cute baby.”

“Of course, she’s my twin.”

“Yeah, I can see the resemblance there. So, how’s married life?” Why didn’t people just go ahead and try it themselves if they were so damned curious about it? “Eh, it’s life. How’s work…and Kevin.”

“Work’s normal. Kevin’s…well…he’s…I dunno.”

“No? Aren’t they home now?” Who said she wasn’t good at playing dumb?

“Oh, uh…yeah, they are. I’m sure I’ll be headed out to Orlando here real soon.”

“Hopefully. Tell the guys I miss ‘em.”

“Yeah, will do. Hey, I wanted to tell you, there are a few really good sites online for the guys and all of their stuff overseas and in Canada. Since we don’t get any coverage here or anything, I thought you’d wanna check ‘em out.”

“Oh yeah? Can you tell me where?”

Lindsey spouted off a few internet addresses, telling Ciara what to expect there and which ones were her favorites. She even told her of a few message boards and things to get her into the Backstreet Community online. Ciara wasn’t quite sure why she’d want to do that, but took down the information for safe keeping. Maybe she’d find out about Nick’s girlfriend. Chuckling at the thought, she stuck the paper by her computer, vowing to check into it soon.

The girls ended their chat shortly, keeping it cursory, but still…Ciara was happy to hear from Lindsey. Nothing was ever repaired from years before, but she still wanted Lindsey in her life. It was nice to know she was missed in Florida as much as she missed being there. She wondered if her parents even missed her. They had yet to initiate a phone call since she’d moved down months ago. Yeah, in many ways, she could say it again…

…life sucked.

***~

In the few months since Lindsey gave her the links to Backstreet sites, Ciara had become a virtual internet junkie. For not having much exposure in the states, they sure had a worldwide impact, especially online. She was thrilled to find pictures of concerts, news reports, reviews and even fan encounters. One board in particular was her favorite, but lately…it had become very odd.

One of the gals there claimed to know the boys and especially Kevin. That had been all well and good, especially since no one believed her. Ciara just sat back and watched the threads, never wanting anyone to know she had connections. And connections with Nick would only be met up with disaster. He was truly The Favored One. His fans were rabid.

As time went on, ‘iluvkev’ as she was known on the board, became almost obsessive with her inside knowledge. Then, she got downright mean. She told of his escapades with groupies, the way he drank his way through every day. Claims of drug use and abuse to her sprinkled almost every single post, even if the subject had nothing to do with him. It was getting downright frightening.

Finally, Ciara couldn’t take it anymore and asked Lindsey about it through an ICQ

conversation. Thank God Nick had introduced her to that. She kept up with Deanna this way as well…even got her mom on it once. That was entertaining. Lindsey didn’t seem to know anything about this person on boards. Her only concern was getting seats for the Chicago concert in August.

“Well, Kevin told me that his family was comin’ so all of his freebies are taken.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Linds…”

“Well, I was thinkin’…maybe you could talk to Nick? Do you think he’d have extras?”

“Why don’t YOU talk to him, Linds? I’m not comfortable asking for seats when I’m not going to be there.”

“Oh come ON! You can ask him. You’re practically his girlfriend anyway.”

“Uh, Linds…I’m married. He’s 17. You’re delusional.”

“Whatever. Ask him, please?”

“Alright, alright. I’ll see what I can do. I’ll have him call you with the details.”

“NO! Just…just tell him I can pick ‘em up at will call that night.”

“Fine. Anything else I can do for you?” Now Ciara was pissed. She felt used. Seemed to be a trend. Money, connections, something. Damn.

“Nope…thanks so much, Ci. I’ll pay you back somehow!”

“Yeah, okay….”

Ciara hung up the call wondering how in the hell she’d managed to get into that mess.

Now she was suddenly a ticket broker. She peeked in her bedroom and happily finding Old Shithead asleep, she went to the guest room and got online. Flipping on her radio while the computer booted, she let out a squeal, quickly smacking her hand over her mouth. This had happened only a few times lately, but with more and more frequency.

She always jumped. Always lost a breath or two. Always smiled from the inside out.

C: Oh GOOD! I knew that had to be an omen.

N: Hey! Wassup?

C: You’re on the radio, Nick. I still can’t believe it.

N: No kidding? Cool. I’ve heard it a few times.

C: What’s it feel like, hearing yourself on your own radio station?

N: No words…no words…what part is it now?

C: Your solo….”everything I do is for you, so what is it that you can’t see” N: Sometimes I wish I could turn back time…impossible as it may seem C: But I wish I could, so bad…baby

N: QUIT PLAYIN’ GAMES WITH MY HEART!

C: LOL!!!!!

N: I wish I was hearing it with you.

C: This is close…

N: I suppose

C: So, uh, I have a question for you. A favor maybe? I hate asking this.

N: You can ask me anything, Ci…

C: Well, uh, I was talking to Lindsey and she is coming to Chicago I guess? Yeah, and Kevin said his family is taking up all his free tickets, so she was wondering if you would have any extras

Nick’s heart caught in his throat. Ciara obviously had no idea. How should he do this?

Carefully might be the best.

N: Oh yeah? When did she say she saw Kevin last to ask him?

C: Um…I guess since you’ve been home. Why?

N: Well, um…how do I say this?

C: Blunt works for me, Nick

N: Okay. Kevin hasn’t seen Lindsey in over a year.

C: WHAT!?

N: Yeah, and uh…he has a restraining order against her.

C: WHAT!?

N: Yes…um…let me call you. Too much typing. I suck.

C: LOL…you do not. Let me call you. The old bear is sleeping. Cell?

N: Yeah, cell. Talk to you in a few.

Ciara turned off the computer, found her cordless handset and went back into the guestroom, shutting the door as to not wake Bill. Such a damned grouch when he was woken. Or was that all the time?

“LISTEN!” Ciara held the phone out to her radio so Nick could hear.

“That was The Backstreet Boys with ‘Quit Playin’ Games with My Heart’ currently number 4 on our 8 at 8. They’re movin’ up!”

“Did you hear that, Nick???”

All she could hear was the musical sound of his laughter. “Yeah, Ci. I heard it.”

“Doesn’t that just excite the HELL out of you?”

“Yeah, it really does. I just…I’m more quiet about it, I guess.”

“Well, let loose, honey. You said you were gonna be a star and Nick….God. I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks.” It wasn’t that he wasn’t excited. He just had his mind focused on this Lindsey situation. He’d errantly assumed that since Ciara hadn’t mentioned her much, they were no longer friends. Knowing that wasn’t the case, he knew what he had to tell Ciara was going to break her heart. Infuriate her. God knew what else. Radio play just wasn’t all that important right now.

“Okay, ya’ old pooh…what crawled up your ass and died?”

“Lindsey did, Ci. She’s made Kevin’s life…all of our lives a living hell lately.”

“Jesus….” Ciara sank down onto the bed, leaning up against the stack of pillows. What the hell? “What happened, Nick?”

He launched into the tale of a woman scorned. Kevin had been stringing her along pretty much since they’d met so many years ago. He’d fly into and out of town, seeing her once, not the next time, giving and getting mind blowing sex each time, but never letting it go much further. She just kept coming back for more and more and more. Finally, somewhere along the way, Kevin got a conscience. He made a break and said that he wouldn’t be seeing her anymore. He still had women and plenty of them, but he could tell Lindsey truly thought there was something there. He couldn’t bear it anymore.

The problem was, Lindsey wouldn’t hear of it. She’d phoned and phoned until he had to change his number numerous times. All of them did. Ciara knew Nick’s had changed, but really didn’t ask about it. He never offered a reason. Lindsey would call hotels all over the world using tour managers names to find where they were staying and send awful gifts. Nick wouldn’t even tell her what they were.

“Did you see Fatal Attraction, Ci?”

“Yeah…no…oh dear GOD!”

“Yep. Ci, she’s gone off the deep end.”

“No kidding. You know this is weird…there’s some loony on the message boards and it’s all about Kevin, too.”

“Her screen name iluvkev?”

“Oh no, Nick!…Holy shit…this is all my fault.” Somewhere in the midst of the online mess, she’d wondered…but never imagined it could actually be Lindsey. But it was. No way.

“How in the hell is it your fault, Ci!?”

“I introduced you guys to her. So, all of that shit on the boards is a lie?”

“She and Kevin met at the hospital on their own, Ci. Even if you did introduce us, she’s not your responsibility. Everyone knows that.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“So, what all has she said on the boards?”

“You guys have had enough grief with this. Just know no one’s buying it.”

“Yeah, we have people watching them. I wish they’d just boot her off.”

“Well, it’s to the point no one even reads her threads anymore.”

“Good. She’s dangerous, Ci. Something in her just snapped.”

“I’m…oh God. What should I do?”

“I’d stay the hell away from her.”

“She’s gonna call for these tickets.”

“It’s real simple. Tell her you reported her inquiry to the police and they informed you that she’s coming close to breaching her restraining order.”

“Well aren’t you the little legal wizard here? My God, Nick.”

“We’ve had to be. I’m sorry, Ci. I really am. She needs help.”

“Yes, she does. I’m going to call her mom. Does she even know?”

“Doubt it. She’s an adult. Lives on her own. Why would Mom know? You DO know she lives in Orlando now don’t you?”

“Uh…..no…..she never…I mean, she’s always called me, so…oh God.”

“Yep. Found out where Kev and the guys lived. Staked out a cheapy apartment nearby.

She’s still there.”

“Jesus.”

“I don’t think He’s there. Nowhere near.”

“Yeah, no kidding. Okay…well, then. I guess…oh wow.”

The friends talked a while longer, Nick trying to calm Ciara down so she could settle enough to go to bed. She liked talking to him last thing before bed. This may have to be a new trend if she could somehow figure it out with Bill around. She surely didn’t want to talk to HIM last thing. They said their ‘good nights’ and hung up both feeling filled from talking and incredibly lonely at their distance. A Nicky hug would be really good about now.

***

She was finally in Tampa. Home sweet home. Okay, not exactly, it was the Carter’s.

Home enough. Another small tour ended and the boys were home again, but this time Ciara had approved time off. Aaron and Angel were keeping her company on the porch as she waited for a car to pick her up to take her to Orlando for a Backstreet party, Kevin style.

She was nervous about going to his home, especially in light of all that had happened with Lindsey. Fortunately, when she spoke to Lindsey’s mom, she was able to find and enforce some counseling on her. She’d moved back to Tampa and would hopefully get the help she needed. Ciara just cut all ties with her out of respect for her continued relationship with the boys. It broke her heart, but it had to be done. Even still, Ciara had yet to speak to Kevin and felt that some bridges needed to be mended.

“Oh God…look at that.”

“It’s a limo, Ci…they’re a blast to ride in.”

“Well, I’m about to find out, huh? You guys be good. I’ll bring Nick back tonight or tomorrow.”

Kissing the twins on the head, she hopped in the car, amazed Nick had actually sent a limo. A limo to drive her all the way to Orlando. She could get real used to this. The ride felt brief, maybe because she fell asleep in the luxury. Next thing she knew, the car stopped and the door opened much sooner than it should for the driver to get around.

“Good evening, miss. May I help you out?”

Smiling at the handsome man and taking his hand, she unfolded out of the car and kissed his cheek.

“Kevin, I think I owe you one big hug.”

Chapter Thirty Six

“God, it’s great to see you again.” Ciara pulled back from Kevin’s warm arms, returning the smile he offered. Such a gorgeous man.

“You too…Ci, I want you to meet Krystal. Krystal, Ciara Watkins. She’s been hanging around us since the very beginning. A good friend.”

“Hi, nice to meet someone actually smaller than me!” What a killer smile this girl had.

“Yeah, we’re around.” Nick slid his arm around Ciara’s waist and kissed the top of her head, guiding her through the crowd and following his manager’s directions to get through the media circus.

At a lull in the movement, “Ciara,” Krystal turned herself around in the hoard of people, pulling on an arm smiling as the face she was looking for appeared. “I want YOU to meet someone…Mook…”

“CIARA!!!!!! Oh God, girl. It’s been so long!”

The two hugged and Krystal just stood in silent shock. “I take it you’ve met!”

“I told you she’s been around since the beginning, Krys. She’s like an appendage.”

“Thanks, Kev. I think. Mook, how in the hell are you?” He’d lost the goofy hair, but not the deep, penetrating eyes.

“I’m good, baby…I didn’t know you’d be here.”

“Well, WE didn’t know we’d be here either. You know Kevin…can’t say ‘no’.”

“True, true….well, why don’t you hang with me while they do the red carpet thing?”

“Good. I was dreading that.”

And so the evening went. Ciara and Mook hung in the background, really quite content to be there. Nick, Kevin and Krystal worked the red carpet, did their schtick onstage and spent much of the show sitting up front. During a break, Nick had had enough of that mess…he came with Ci for God’s sake, so he made his way back to where Ciara and Mook were sitting.

“Mook. Out. Your woman wants you and I want my woman.” He smiled brightly keeping his attention on his beautiful woman, ignoring the shouts from fans up in the balcony.

“Oh, absolutely…be my guest.” Mook gave Nick a friendly pat on the back as he passed in the aisle, winking at Ciara as he made his way up to Kevin and Krystal’s row. “Catch you at the parties, girl.”

Smiling at him as he took his seat, “Hey…you allowed to do this?”

“I’m done. What are they gonna do? Kick me outta the industry?”

“You mean we flew out here for THAT!? I thought you’d be doing something else.”

“That and to get you this gorgeous dress…”

“True, true…can’t complain about that.”

“Me either. You do look beautiful tonight, Ci.”

“Thanks, I feel great.”

“Really? I mean, even physically?”

“Well, yeah, for me I do, yeah. It’s a good night.”

“Good…you’re lookin’ the part.” Nick scooped Ciara’s hand in his and settled in to finish the show out with her. Boring, long, self-serving, and ridiculous. At least he was with her.

At this point, that’s all that really mattered.

***

“Holy shit, Nick…look at this place!”

“Yeah? What?”

Jaded. The damned fool was completely jaded and unaffected. First, they were at THE

party to be at after any kind of music industry event…Puffy’s. Second, Ciara had never been to such an event, party, thing…whatever this was. She felt like a tourist. She was a tourist. Celebrities everywhere. Bottles of Cristal flowed like water. Money definitely grew on tress. She was now convinced of it.

“This…this…it’s insane, Nick.”

“This is Puffy. Come on, let’s get something to drink.” And drink they did. Plenty. Too much. Thank God for limos. And bodyguards to remind you what your room number was. And fans that were there for everyone else, so one little Backstreet Boy didn’t really cause much of a stir. Nick and Ciara stumbled into their room giggling like school children. They didn’t even remember what was so damned funny.

Then Nick remembered. “Did Kevin just scold us for sharing a room?”

“Um, yeah…I think he did. Are you not allowed to have a girlfriend or is he just jealous of your time?”

“You’ve been readin’ too much fan fic. I’m thinkin’,” he slid off his jacket, “…I’m thinkin’,” and tossed it on a chair with a flourish. A wobbly flourish. “…that maybe I’d better sit my ass down.” And he did…on the floor in the middle of the room.

So she joined him, dress hiked up her thighs sitting Indian style, wrap hanging haphazardly off her shoulders, and hair mussed from an out-of-control make-out session in a corner at the party. “You know sumpin’?” He looked at her blankly. “You’re drunk.”

“Yes, I am. So are you.”

“Yes, I am. So, uh…what’s Kevin’s problem?”

“He’s probably drunk. He’s probably lonely.” Burp. “And…he probably doesn’t know.” Lying down on the floor with his head in her lap, he continued, “And I don’t care anymore…I just wanna go to sleep.”

“Me too.” She looked up at the bed and down at the floor. How was she gonna get him up, get herself up, undress and then fall back DOWN to the bed? This was quite perplexing.

Thunking him on the head, “We need to get up.”

“Ouch. Yes, we do.” He rolled over on his back looking up at her. Woah. Upside down Ciara…funnnnnky.

She looked down at him. And up at the bed. And down at him. “You go first.”

“No. I like it here.”

“Nice…Nick, get UP,” she scooped her hands under his shoulders and pushed with her knees. “I don’t like it here.”

“Fine. Woah!” Grabbing his head, and spinning around on his behind, he looked at her meekly. “No more champagne for me. Now what?”

“Gimme your hands.”

He obediently did. Then he kissed her. Sloppy. Tasty.

“Stop. Now let’s get up on our knees.”

With much struggling they did just that. And he kissed her again. Still sloppy. Still tasty.

“You’re very yummy. Okay, one foot up…aaaaaaannnnnnnddddddd….push.” They pushed themselves up, leaning on one another for balance and when all the wobbling was done, they were somehow still standing, arms around each other.

“We did it. My head hurts.”

“Poor baby. Now we have to get undressed. And Nick, I’m a bitch when I’m drunk. Do NOT get freaky with me.”

“Yes’m. Nooooooo touchy.” He unbuckled his belt and quickly ripped his turtleneck up over his head, tossing it somewhere in the room.

She yanked her wrap off her shoulders and tried to unzip her dress, almost falling over in the process.

“Lemme.”

“No touchy!”

“No touchy…Jesus. Just lemme unzip you.” After a few false starts, the cool air-conditioned breeze hit her bare back and the chocolate satin dress fell to her ankles. She stepped out and wrapped her arms around herself at the cold.

“You got a shirt or something?”

“Yeah, in my bag there.” He somehow managed to finish undressing and she slid out of her hose, tossing them to the pile…well, she made a new one. Clothes were strewn everywhere.

“You know with the mess we’re making it’s a shame we’re not getting any action from this.”

“True. No touchy. I’m gonna brush my teeth. Cotton mouth.” Eventually they met in bed. It was a true miracle. Even more miraculous? No touchy.

Not tonight anyway.

***

One set of hangovers, one long flight back to Tampa, and one full 15 hour cycle of sleep and their lives were back on track. Ciara started another long stretch and Nick spent his days sleeping and his nights partying. He was bored. Terribly bored. Sleep satisfied.

Parties were endless. Ciara was busy. It worked. Sorta.

Thing is, parties can get boring too, as can sleeping the days away. He preferred it when Ciara didn’t work. He needed to get busy on his own. Fortunately, he could put that off for another week because just as his common sense arrived telling him to cut back on the clubbing scene a bit, it was time for Ciara’s stretch to be over. And he had an idea.

***

There were definite benefits to Ciara’s 7 pm to 7 am work schedule. If he wanted to go visit, no one else was there. It was amazing how quiet a hospital could be at midnight.

Now the only concern he had of being spotted was by her. He made his way up to the pediatric floor of the large hospital and walked to the nurse’s station via the hallway he knew she was never assigned.

“Hi. Can you tell me where I can find Ciara?”

The older nurse looked up from her chart and smiled. So THIS is who is making Ciara smile so much lately. “She’s in with a patient right now. Do you want me to go get her?”

“No! No, no…I, uh. I don’t want her to know I’m here. Just need to deliver a message.”

“I can do that for you…”

“I need some paper. I guess I didn’t come prepared.”

“Oh, well, if you go up that way to the nurse’s station, they’ll have something for you.

She’ll be occupied long enough you should be okay.”

“Great. Thanks. What room is she in now?”

“Um…842 I think.”

“Great. Thanks.”

He made his way further down the hall, checking room numbers so he wouldn’t haphazardly plow right into her. Fortunately, it was beyond where he needed to be.

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I need to leave a message for Ciara, but uh…I need a piece of paper.”

“Sure…hang on.” Ciara never talked about her co-workers, which Nick found odd. His life was surrounded by his co-workers. Or was it his co-workers surrounded his life?

Either way, how she distanced herself from these people was beyond him. They seemed nice enough, but who were they?

The gentleman came back with a pad of paper and handed it to Nick. “Knock yourself out. I’ll just slide it in one of her charts if that’s okay.”

“Um…can you hold it until she gets off?”

“Whatever, sure. What are you plotting, Romeo?”

Now how did he know that? Obviously she didn’t keep her private life private from these people. Curious. Nick finished his note, folded it and handed it to the man without answering his question. “You promise she’ll get it?”

“Yep. I’ll even keep my mouth shut that you were here.”

“Appreciate it. 842 is this way?”

“Yup…she’s in there though…you sure?”

“Yeah, I just wanna…I like to watch her work. Will the patient mind?”

“No, won’t even notice. Go ahead.”

Nick nodded in thanks and quietly made his way further down the hall to the room where she was working. Obviously a very sick patient for them to know she wouldn’t emerge anytime soon.

The door was slightly ajar and he peeked inside and once he saw that her back was turned to him, he pulled it open a bit more. Her long curls were tossed up in a sloppy bun and her scrubs of the day had dancing bears on them…just for the kids. But, instead of standing by the bed, checking the patient, writing in a chart or doing something

“nurse-like”, she had pulled up a chair next to the child and was reading from a large book, one hand holding it open, the other hidden under the sheets, obviously holding the child’s hand. The girl couldn’t have been much more than 4 years old and was obviously not awake. But still, Ciara read.

Draw me a star.

And the artist drew a star.

It was a good star.

Draw me the sun.

And the artist drew the sun.

It was a warm sun.

Draw me a tree, said the sun.

And the artist drew a tree.

It was a lovely tree.

Draw me a woman and a man.

And the artist drew a handsome couple.

Draw us a house, said the couple.

And the artist drew a house.

It was a strong house.

Nick smiled as the child stirred and Ciara looked up from the book long enough to move her touch from the girl’s hand to her head, calming her back to a peaceful rest. “We’re at the doggie now, Catie. Your favorite part.” The child moaned softly and Ciara continued.

Draw me a dog, said the house.

And the artist drew a dog.

It was a big dog.

Draw me a cat, said the dog.

Draw me a bird, said the cat.

Draw me a butterfly, said the bird.

Draw me a flower, said the butterfly.

And the artist drew red and yellow and blue and purple flowers.

Nick leaned up against the door frame and shut his eyes, just drinking in her voice. He could see the flowers growing all around the bedside, butterflies flying, birds chirping, peace and contentment everywhere.

Draw us a cloud, said the flowers.

And the artist drew clouds heavy with rain.

Draw me the night said the rainbow.

And the artist drew a dark night.

Draw me the moon, said the night.

And the artist drew a full moon.

Draw me a star, said the moon.

Down, over, left, and right, draw a star oh so bright.

It was a good star.

Hold on to me said the star to the artist.

Then, together they traveled across the night sky.**

Nick opened his eyes as the story ended, watching Ciara as she kissed the child’s brow.

“G’night, Catie.” Nick quickly moved out of the doorway and looked for a place to hide.

He’d stayed too long.

Fortunately the room next door was empty and he slipped in as Ciara came out, grabbing a chart hanging by the door and making some notes. He peeked out of the door as she walked towards the nurse’s station and quietly slipped into Catie’s room.

He probably shouldn’t have been there, but he wouldn’t stay long. Catie. Definitely no more than four years old. Where were her parents? Why was she here? Nick had no clue, but she was a very sick child with wires and machines surrounding her and her coffee colored complexion looked pale and splotchy.

He looked around at all the equipment, flashing back to moments in rooms such as these with Ciara through the years. No wonder she knew what these kids needed. She had needed it herself at one time or other. He picked up the book Ciara had been reading, looking at the colorful pictures that went with the story. Reading to himself and noting how differently the star was drawn, “Down, over, left, and right, draw a star oh so bright.”

Putting the book down, feeling a bit helpless, he bent down and brushed back the hair Ciara had just brushed back, kissed the brow Ciara had just kissed. “G’night, Catie. You wake up and I’ll come back and draw you a star.”

****

“Okay, Tom. I’m out.”

“Oh! Wait. I have something for you.” He shoved his hand in his scrubs and pulled out a small note. “Here ya’ go. Have a good night.”

“What is it?”

“No idea. Go on now…”

She gave him one more questioning look, but seeing that he wasn’t budging, she shrugged and made her way to the elevators. Truth was, he’d peeked. He’d read it and there was no way he was going to tell her a thing about it.

Ciara waited until she was in the elevator to read the note, grateful for the morning quiet of the hospital. She’d lost a patient tonight and was feeling incredibly stressed.

Cici,

I know you’re tired and want your own bed. So, I hope you have a great sleep, resting up from your week. I also know you said you liked being spontaneous with our trip to California. So, I’m going to ask that you trust me and just follow my directions. You’ll find the rest at home on your pillow. Wish I was there.

Nick

“Wish you were, too you brat.”

She couldn’t have made it home quick enough, hoping maybe his note was a decoy and he actually would be there waiting for him. Tonight she really didn’t want to be alone.

But, she was. Slipping off her clothes and going through her nightly routine, she was finally able to curl up in bed with Nick’s second note.

Cici,

Close your eyes. Go to sleep. Dream of warm beaches, old friends and me. I’ve set your alarm to wake you at 4:00. Get up, shower up and throw together an overnight bag.

We’ll buy whatever you forget. A car will be here to pick you up at 5:30. See you soon.

Sleep tight.

Nick

What the hell was he up to? She had no idea, but she really didn’t care. Eight days off awaited her. He had an escape planned of some kind and she’d be fool to walk away from it. She slid deeper into her sheets and did just as ordered. Dreamt of warm beaches, old friends, and as always…of Nick.

***

“Nick, my God, what are we doing here?”

“Flying. Usually you get on a plane to fly somewhere.” He hiked her bag up in the overhead compartment and sat down next to her, kissing her cheek as he buckled in.

“Thanks, Genius. Where are we flying?”

“Away. Now hush. The flight attendant will tell us I’m sure. Don’t get TOO worked up about it.”

“I’m not worked up…just curious.” She laid her head on his shoulder, arms intertwined making way to fingers intertwined.

She must have instantly dozed off because no sooner had she laid her head down than Nick was waking her up. “Come on, baby. We’re here.”

“Oh…okay…where’s here?”

“You’ll see.” She took hold of his hand and pulled herself up, grimacing at the aches in her hips and knees from sitting still. “You okay?”

“Yep. Just stiff.” They made their way out of the small aircraft onto the tarmac.

Wherever it was, was warmer than Tampa had been, that’s for sure. He helped her into an awaiting car and just smiled at her as she continued to question him with no words, only glances.

Warm beaches. Yep, she could see them. It looked like it could be…nah. The car pulled into a large gated entrance winding down to a huge estate. Two homes, one smaller than the other sat in the distance. “Nick?”

“You’ve never been here…thought I’d bring you down.”

“Marathon? We’re in the Keys?”

“Yup. Is that okay?”

“Yeah…it’s great!”

“Good…I wasn’t flying you back even if you griped.” The car pulled around to the larger of the two homes and stopped. Nick slid around, helping himself out and offering a hand to Ciara. She unfolded out of the car and just looked around her.

“What a contrast from just a few hours ago.” He had no idea. This was perfect.

“No kidding, huh? Come on…there’s someone here who is missing you terribly.”

Chapter Thirty Seven

“God, you have no idea how much I’ve missed him, too.” Kevin walked Ciara up to his house, opening the door. Suddenly she felt like she’d just entered Cheers Bar.

“CIARA!!!!!” AJ, Howie and Brian turned from their places at the counter where they’d been helping themselves to some drinks.

“Hey guys.” She plopped her bag against a chair and made her way over, trying to hide her disappointment in Nick’s absence. “Whatcha servin’?”

“Whatsyer fancy? Kev’s got it all covered here.” Brian leaned in and softly kissed her cheek.

“Mmmm…I’ll take a rum and coke… diet coke, please.” AJ immediately started mixing her drink while Howie came around the bar for his welcome hug and kiss.

“How have you been?” he whispered in her ear holding her tight.

“Doin’ okay right now. Thanks.” They pulled away from one another spending an extra moment in one another’s eyes, sharing their secret talk, their secret bond. It had been almost 2 years since that talk at Disney, but just as he promised, Howie had remained a quiet friend when her health gave her a scare. No one knew of their occasional phone calls after doctor appointments or when she was feeling too achy to get up and go to work. If Ciara had it her way, no one ever would.

“There ya’ are, ma’am. One rum and diet coke. He’s got snacks and shit out by the pool.”

“Okay, thanks…” Ciara took a sip of her drink, keeping silent that this 19 year old knew how to mix one so well. Europe, Ci…they travel in Europe. Different laws. Looking around the room, she was surprised at what a nice house the guys had. Three of them lived here, all five spent days here time and again. For a “bachelor pad” it wasn’t too shabby. She was also wondering where Blondie was. The guys were great, but she missed Nick.

“He’s in the bathroom, Ci…he’ll be out in a minute.” AJ winked at her as he made his way outside, knowing full well why she was still shelled up. She wasn’t there for them.

She was there for Nick. Wasn’t hiding it too well either.

“Want a little tour? I’ll show you your room for tonight.”

“Sure, Kev, but I don’t think Nick and I will be staying.”

“Oh, okay…I just assumed. Alright, well, let me show you around anyway.” He took her by the hand and led her down a darkly lit hallway where the boys’ rooms were. THERE’S

where the mess was! Although not all of them so. She figured the tidy one was Kevin’s.

He just seemed like a neat-nick. Back down the hall waving hello to the other guys, they made their way to the game room and studio area. Amazing. There was a small rehearsal area, a small recording studio and booth and of course games. Arcade games, pool and ping pong. Decorating the walls were plaques of record sales they’d received from overseas already. And on one shelf, the MTV Video Award from Europe. Their first.

Hopefully, first of many.

Finally returning to the party, Ciara was beginning to worry about Nick. Was he sick?

Just about the time for her to ask again, he lumbered out of the first hallway, not realizing she was there. She just stood and looked, no…gaped at him. It had been 10

months since their goodbye’s at Parc. And 10 months on a 17 year old boy did amazing things.

In general, he had just bulked up. Thicker neck, fuller face, lines of maturity etched on it like those of a sculpture’s work, his body was catching up with his hands and feet. And his smile? Where was it? He looked up and across the room. Ah…there it was.

“Ci…oh God, you’re finally here.” He practically ran to her, swallowing her up in his arms, lifting her up, spinning her around and burying his face in her hair. Her hair?

“You’re letting it grow out again! I love it!” He finally set her down and held her back at arms length just soaking her in. He truly didn’t think he’d ever see her again when they’d said goodbye. Sure their words said differently, but he just decided to never expect it. That way, when moments like this did come, he’d be thrilled beyond belief.

And he was. And she was.

“Thanks…I looked like a poodle with it all short.” She pushed up at the bottom of her curls, thrilled it was growing out so quickly. Of course she’d cut it for Bill. He didn’t like getting smacked with it at night. Tough. He was lucky she just didn’t smack him. “Nick, you look…you’re all grown…my God.”

“Eh, I’m not done yet. Come here, I’ve got a little something for you.” He took her by the hand back down the hallway she and Kevin had first visited, yanking her inside one of the messier bedrooms. Big surprise. She couldn’t take her eyes off of him. He was so tall, so…big…and yes, she could tell he wasn’t quite done yet. He was stunning.

“Have a seat. I gotta dig it out here.”

She pushed a pile of clothes on the bed to the side and had a seat. Nick was bent over a chair digging through a huge nap sack. She watched as his arms flexed moving clothes from side to side in the bag…he had visible arm veins now. When the hell did that happen? Maybe she’d just never noticed. He looked strong…no longer scrawny. This was disturbing.

“Ah! Finally! Here we go. It’s not much, but uh…here.” He handed her a beautiful crystal bowl filled with wrapped candies. “Sugar free. I found ‘em in Germany. Can’t believe I didn’t break that thing between here and there.”

“Me either…it’s beautiful.” She pulled the bow off the bowl and popped the lid, stealing one of the red candies. Hopefully it’d be raspberry…her favorite. “Want one?”

“Eh, no…something’s wrong with my stomach today…”

“Oh, I’m sorry. You okay?”

“I think so. Feel fine…but…in fact, heheh…excuse me. I’ll be back.” Nick made a quick escape to the bathroom and Ciara popped a candy in her mouth, taking her dish outside to add to the offerings for snacks. After dinner “mints.”

“Hey…thought we’d lost you. Where’s Nick?” Brian had another plateful of food. Two since she’d arrived. How did he stay so thin? Men.

“Bathroom again. Screwed up stomach, I guess.”

“Yeah, he’s been a mess all day, poor kid.”

Ciara took a seat on the couch, bopping AJ on the feet to get him to scoot over so she could nuzzle between he and Howie. “Move it, Bone.”

AJ scooted over, but not before sliding his hand, palm up on the couch where her ass would land. Her butt hit ground and was immediately pinched. “Aiiigh! AJ….you perv.

Remove your hand from my ass…now!”

“Aw, man…I was trying to cop a quick feel…”

“You copped it. Now stop it.” She stole a potato chip from his plate and stopped mid bite.

“Wait……a ……minute.”

“What!?” There they go again. Four guys, four voices. In unison. They were good.

“How much of that candy did Nick eat on the flight back here today?”

“Uh….we’re talkin’ Nick here. You probably got half of what he bought.” Brian wasn’t gonna cough up the fact that he’d had a few pieces too.

“Oh Jesus…he ate that much today?”

“Well, no, I’ve seen him nibblin’ on it since he got it, but yeah…he had a lot today. Why?” Ciara couldn’t stop her laughter from bubbling over. That “poor kid” was right.

“What, Ci? What’s so damned funny?” Now Kevin was curious…

“That’s sugar-free candy. After 3 or 4 pieces, those with the strongest of stomachs get the shits. He’s gotta be miserable!”

There they went…all of ‘em. Laughing at poor Nick’s expense. They figured he couldn’t be sick, sick. He was fine in between runs to the john. But he had definitely had a time of it on the plane, barely making it from the airport to Kevin’s house and ever since they’d arrived.

“What’s so damned funny?” Nick finally reappeared, wiping his wet hands on his shorts.

Ciara was the first to “surface,” wiping her eyes from the tears of laughter. “Oh…hi. Uh, nothin’ hon…how’s the tummy?” Laughter started again, although this time Ciara was able to keep a straight face…well, a crooked straight sort of face. She was trying anyway which was more than anyone could say for the other four.

“What!? It sucks. What is so damned…CIARA!” Now he was pissed. Hands on his hips, he was trying not to get sucked into the laughter, knowing he was the butt of it all.

“I’m…I’m…woooo…oh boy. Okay…I’m sorry. Um, how ‘bout some fresh air? Let’s go out back, huh?” Ciara got up, keeping a finger and eye on AJ lest he do some booty grabbing again and led Nick out to the back deck.

“Okay, smarty…cough it up. What is so damned funny about my little problem here?”

“Uh, Nick…hon…how much of that candy did you eat today?”

“Why?”

“Answer me…I’m not your mama…no spankings.”

Too bad. “Um…I dunno…I was nibblin’ on it all the way back, why?”

“Honey…that sugar free stuff is deadly to your intestines. You can only eat a few pieces at a time. That’s what’s messing you up so bad.”

“Oh…God. I mean, Ci…okay…um, I ate a lot of it.”

“Are you nauseous?”

“No…not really. Just cramped up and well…yeah…” A blush ran up his face and settled on his ears, peeking out from his long hair. “What an idiot.”

“Nah, just a growing boy who was hungry. Next time, go for the Snickers.”

“No doubt. So, uh…how…oh hell. Hang on. Wait here. I’ll be back.” He rolled his eyes and made a quick dash back to the bathroom. It was gonna be a long night.

Ciara sat and enjoyed the quiet and then peeked her head inside thinking ahead of the drive home. “Uh, Kev?”

“Yup…we’re headin’ back to play some pool…come on.”

“We’ll be back in a bit…I do think we might be staying the night though. A drive to Tampa may not be in the best interest of the uh…patient.”

“No, probably not.”

“He’s not gonna start barfin’ is he? I HATE that shit!”

“Nice, AJ. I’m sure he’ll be lovin’ it if he does. And he might, so gear up, bucko.” Ciara closed the patio door as AJ groaned and slid down deeper into the couch. “I hate puke. He can not puke.”

Seeing the foul look on AJ’s face, she re-opened the door. “Don’t worry, Dr. AJ. I’ll take care of him. You just go play pool, okay?”

***

“This is embarrassing.” Nick came back out to the patio and plopped down in a lounge chair, grimacing a bit at his aching behind. “Dammit.”

“I’m so sorry, Nick…I really am. And I’m sorry I laughed. I guess…well, every diabetic gets caught by it…I shouldn’t be surprised it could happen to anybody.”

“You know what’s even more embarrassing?”

“What’s that?”

“I didn’t even like ‘em all that much. Too damned sweet.” Ciara couldn’t help but laugh at…with…him again. And he was smiling. His color looked a bit better than it had when she first came in. He’d be fine.

As their giggling subsided, he looked over at her…really looked at her and couldn’t believe she was here. Life was getting queer with management issues, his mom going off the deep end with the stage mother routine, and now…their success in the states. They’d just released their second single and it was sailing through the charts, their album flying off the shelves. In two short months, they’d finally be touring America. But he was already so tired.

She felt his gaze on her and couldn’t stay away another minute. Getting up from her chair by the table, she made her way to his lounge chair. “Curl those legs up. I wanna sit with you.”

He gladly did and there they sat. No words. Just breathing in the cool November air, watching how it softly moved the other’s hair. His eyes had to have changed or something in the past year. She never remembered them being so sparkly, so expressive, so…wait a cotton pickin’ minute…

“What? You’re lookin’ at me funny now.”

“Mmm-hmm…I’m trying to figure somethin’ out.” She brushed a stray hair from his face and he closed his eyes at her touch. She should NOT do that.

Damn, it was so silky. “I like this long…wish my hair was soft like that.”

“Thanks…and you have beautiful hair…Howie’s jealous of it.”

“He is not…”

“He is too! I heard him moanin’ one morning and in the middle of it he said…I kid you not…’I wish I had Ciara’s hair’.”

“Good God…he can HAVE it. It’s a mop.”

“It’s beautiful.” His eyes softened and his heart was about to beat clean out of his chest.

He secretly hoped she couldn’t hear it because it was all he could hear. Even was louder than the whooping and hollering coming from the game room inside.

They continued to enjoy their solitude, this quiet time. God knew when they’d get it again. A drive back to Tampa, a few days with the Carter’s…never quiet and then…separation. How long this time? Neither knew.

“Ciara…you’re lookin’ at me all funny again…what is it?” You’re makin’ me nervous, dammit.

“Something is different about you. I’m trying to figure it out.”

“Oh…um, I’m older?” Big cheesy grin.

“Thanks, smart ass. No, it’s something else…it’s…wait a minute. Look at me.” Gladly. Ocean blue met emerald green and a smile spread across her face.

“Nickyyyyyy……”

“What!?”

“Nickyyyyyy…..”

“Jesus Christ, woman…what!?”

“You…..”

“CIARA!”

“You got your cherry popped, didn’t you?”

Blush. Fast. Now. Red. Oh let me die right now. Ocean blue left emerald green and bore into the weave of the lounge chair.

“Niiiiick…look at me…who was she? Where does she live? Come on…cough up the dirt…” Ciara was now bouncing on the chair almost tipping them both over.

“Calm down…God, Ci…” Bounce all she wanted to, he couldn’t look back up at her to save his life. No way. No how.

She stopped her hyper behavior, surprised at his embarrassment. “Oh come on, Nick.

It’s to be expected. You’re 17. You’re a rock star. You’re beautiful. Groupies deluxe. Come on…” Her eyes continued to beg for more information. Little Nicky. Wow.

Finally he looked up. “Okay, okay! Damn. I can’t keep anything from you, can I?”

“No. It’s written in the rules. One time or is it a relationship?”

“A short relationship.”

“One girl…or did you just get started?”

“Ciara…god…”

“Yesssss?”

“More than one…not at a time though. That’s AJ’s department.”

“Nice. I’ll keep that in mind. So she’s no more?”

“No, I’m not with anyone now. It’s just too complicated.”

“I can imagine. Okay, so uh…I gotta ask…”

“Now what? I don’t think I can take anymore.”

He was cute when he was blushing. That little boy crept back into the picture. She was MUCH more comfortable with him like this. The gorgeous stuff was getting way too much to handle. “Was it all you wanted it to be? All you imagined it to be?” He smiled and rolled his eyes, looking away again. “Um…it’s getting better? How’s that?”

“Normal. Welcome to adulthood, Nick. It’s nice to have you with us.”

“Yeah, okay…whatever. Can we, uh…talk about something else now? I think I’ve been totally humiliated enough tonight.”

“Wanna go play some pool?”

“Yeah, I wanna whip your ass at pool…no. Ping pong. Let’s go play ping pong.”

“Deal, and Nick?” She stood from her edge on the lounge chair, offering him a hand up.

“Yeah, Ci?”

“I missed you like crazy. Thanks for inviting me.”

“You kidding? I couldn’t take it anymore. Never again, Ci. Never will we go this long between seeing each other again, okay?”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

***

“You feeling better finally?”

“Yeah…god. What a mess that was.”

“Well, now you know. One piece at a time, dear.”

“None. Ever again. I’m not touchin’ that shit for as long as I live.”

“That’ll work too. So, uh…what can I expect at the Carter’s? Your mom seemed fine enough yesterday.”

“I have no idea. She’s pushing Aaron like mad. Right now he’s fine, but…I dunno.

Something feels weird about it. Suddenly BJ is modeling, Les is trying to sing. I feel like the Partridge Family.”

“At least you’re the cute, older one.”

“Thanks. That helps.”

“Sorry.” Ciara scooted around the limo bench to sit closer to her friend…her…Nick.

Something besides his loss of virginity was different. But she couldn’t quite figure it all out. Instead of wracking her brain, she curled up next to him and let his arm wrap around her pulling her close. Details. The rest was just details.

***

As the limo pulled up to the Carter home, Nick nudged Ciara awake. “We’re home.”

“Oh…good. Okay.” She sat up and stretched, smiling shyly at her lovely pillow. He was a beautiful creature…he truly was.

“Before we go in…let me just apologize now for anything that may happen, okay?”

“Oh, Nick. It can’t be THAT bad. I live with Bill, remember? This will be a holiday.”

“Mmmm…doubting that. Come on…let’s go find out what’s inside.”

Chapter Thirty Eight

“Mom! We’re home!” The screen door slammed behind Nick and Ciara, echoing through the vast openness of the foyer. This place was huge.

“We’re?” Jane peeked out from the kitchen, towel in hand, obviously busy working.

“Ciara? Oh my God…it’s been forever!” The two women hugged, offering “Hollywood kisses” in the air. “I didn’t know you’d be coming down with Nick.”

“Hi Mama…” Nick smiled at his mother who had virtually ignored him in her excitement seeing Ciara.

“Come here, you.” She hiked up on her tiptoes and properly welcomed her son. Ciara smiled watching them. Dysfunctional defined this family, no doubt. The more the years went the more dysfunctional it seemed to become, as Ciara had learned and would continue to. Even so, it was nice seeing Nick and his mother getting along better now.

The tension of years past had been awful. Hopefully it had disappeared for good.

“Where is everybody?”

“Oh, they’re around. Can’t believe we’re all here at one time for once. Well, except BJ.

She’s never around it seems. Even when she’s here.”

“Yeah, right. Well, we’re gonna go dump our stuff over at my place. I just wanted to pop in.”

“You’ll be here for dinner?”

“Of course. Tell Aaron I’m here, huh?”

“Want me to send him over?”

“That’d be great. We’ll be back.”

Nick and Ciara stopped by the truck to gather their belongings, walking across the property to a smaller, but equally luxurious looking home. She said nothing. So many things going through her mind. 20 hours ago she was putting an IV in a screaming 5 yr.

old and now she was surrounded by a virtual paradise. Talk about culture shock.

“You okay? You’re awful quiet.”

“Yeah…just thinkin’. What’s up with BJ?”

“Oh, well…she’s just…she…” Stopping at his door he looked at Ciara not wanting to admit what a mess things had become with her. “She’s not good, Ci. Drugs. Stupidity.

Rebellion. Talks to no one.”

“Oh no…Nick.”

“Yeah…” Shrugging, he unlocked the door, letting Ciara step in first and softly closed the door behind them. “I’m glad you’re finally here.” He dumped his bags on the floor, grabbing her hand on the way up, kissing her fingers softly.

She replaced her fingers with her lips, relaxing completely at his touch. Reluctantly, she pulled away, wanting to take a good look at this place. “Nick…this is…oh wow. This is beautiful.”

“Thanks. I like it, although it’s never felt like home. Vacation maybe, but never home.”

“I think I could call it home…you’ve put a lot into this.”

“Mom helped again. Got it decorated during our first leg last year. Here…our bedroom’s this way.”

They made their way through a huge living area complete with pool table and big screen TV. Very reminiscent of his Tampa home, but not so…sterile? Yes, sterile. This one was homey. White washed cabinetry, over-stuffed chairs and couches, brighter fabrics. It looked like a beach house…on steroids. Ciara loved it.

“Here we go…” Nick motioned her into what looked like another hallway, but it opened up into a massive master suite.

“Nick…this is gorgeous! Why in the hell are you in Tampa when you have this down here?” More white washed furniture, but in here, the fabrics were muted. Soft. Neutral.

Splashes of sage green popped through the neutrals in a small print on the comforter, on pillows tossed on the bed and in botanical prints on the walls. And of course, a huge sliding glass door led directly to the back, giving a straight view to the private beach.

And compared to his home in Tampa, this beach was gorgeous. Clean. Soft, white sand.

And yes… very private.

“I dunno. Too close to Mom and Dad? And really, I was plannin’ on comin’ down right at tour’s end, but…”

“You have this and you’re staying in Tampa because of me!? Nick, you’re nuts.”

“Maybe I am. But I can’t imagine living down here…without you.” He took the bag from her hand and tossed it on a chair by what was most likely the master bath. She could only imagine the tub and shower set up in there. But he gave her no opportunity for further dreaming because he had swallowed her up in his arms and covered her mouth with his, thrilled beyond belief that he finally had her here.

Somewhere in the back of his mind when he bought this property, he’d wanted her to see it. Wanted to share it with her. Wanted to see her sitting out on the deck drinking her juice first thing in the morning. But then, it was an unattainable dream. And now…here she was. In his arms. In his room. In his heart. It was still overwhelming.

Ciara was just thrilled to be in his arms again. At the moment she didn’t care if it was in the middle of a trash dump. Her week at work had been horrific, ending with a bang.

Death sucked. Death of children sucked worse. Death of a child she’d grown particularly close to just downright made her ache. Having this much life surrounding her here in the Keys, and more importantly, Nick’s life enveloping her, making her feel safe and healthy and whole…who needed a tropical paradise?

They were in their own world, enjoying the warmth of one another standing in the middle of this vast room, hearing the sounds of the ocean from beyond the glass doors, tasting salt air and their love when suddenly…

“AH-HA!!!!!!! I knew it, I knew it, I KNEW it!!!!!!!!!! It’s about damned time you two!” And then, as quickly as the audible assault began, Nick was ripped from Ciara’s arms stumbling to the ground as a large, blonde body jumped him from behind.

“Aaron, you ass!” Nick was laughing and struggling and hurting. Falling hurt more the taller you were. Damned kid…who was now straddling him, pinning the older brother’s hands to the ground.

“You suck. Can’t even fight me off anymore.”

“Say ‘hello’ to Ciara, Dweeb. And get OFF of me. You’re heavy.” Nick attempted a kip-up with Aaron still firmly planted on his hips. It didn’t work.

“Ha. You’re gonna hurt yourself, old man.” Aaron gave Nick’s face a soft, condescending pat and finally stood, and wiped the stunned look off of Ciara’s face with a simple smile.

“How long have I told you this would happen?”

“Who the hell are you and what have you done with Nick’s brother?” Jesus Christ.

Almost a foot taller than her. Bulked. Deep voice. Mature face. Nick was still “cute” at fourteen, still a little boy. But this one? What were they feeding this thing?

“We didn’t like him. Too girly. I’m the new replacement.” Without another word, Ciara wrapped her arms around the boy, saddened that it had been so long since she’d really seen him. One quickie stop on his Walmart tour last year and that was it. Jane’s insistence on their moving to California a few years back not only put a strain on the family’s relationship with Nick, but put a cavern in Ciara’s relationship with all of them. All but Nick. She resented it. So did Aaron. According to Nick, all the kids resented it.

But now, it didn’t matter. They were here and so was she. And none of them could be happier.

***

“Ciara, do you need any special foods or will this be okay?”

“I’m fine, Jane.” Ci caught Nick in a knowing glance surprised at Jane’s sudden discomfort at her presence. She’d had many a meal at the Carter’s before. Why was Jane so nervous this time?

“Okay. You’re sure now? I just wasn’t expecting you and like to have stuff you can eat available.”

“I’m fine. I bet our grocery lists aren’t much different, really. Just no sweets…or too many anyway.”

“You can’t have any at all though can you?”

“Well, not really, no. I can have a little now and again, but…I’m always ready for my niece and nephew. Plus, I gotta keep Nicky satisfied here for when he visits.” Jane stopped scurrying about long enough to look at her older son with judgment darting out of her eyes. He felt it, but chose to ignore it. “So, uh…are we almost set? I’ll call Angel and Les in.”

Ciara saw it too and realization dawned on her. Jane didn’t know Ciara and Nick were a couple now. Obviously, the prospect didn’t thrill her either. Tough. She’d tried to control Nick’s love life once. And once was more than enough. Ciara decided to go the route Howie had taught her when swimming through touchy fans. Kill ‘em with kindness.

“Yeah, Nick…go get the girls. I’ll help your mom get everything out.” Without a word between the two women, the table was set, loaded with dishes full of two kinds of meat, potatoes, vegetables, gravy and bread. Home cookin’. Comfort food. How come Ciara had a feeling this meal was going to be a few pillows short of comfortable?

“Hey…what are you doin’, Ci? Guests don’t work here. Gimme dat.” Aaron had walked in sensing the tension thick in the air. He took the bread basket from her winking as he turned away and found the final empty spot on the table.

“Eh, let her work. She’s not a guest. She’s family.” Nick had quickly returned with two of his sisters in tow and slid his arm around Ciara’s waist, planting a kiss on her cheek.

“Thank ya’, dear. We got it all, Jane?”

Silence. As usual, Bob had been standing there like a bump on a log, watching the dynamics of the room, saying nothing, helping little, contributing not. Next to ‘pussy whipped’ in the dictionary was Bob’s picture. Had to be.

Still no answer. This was going to be interesting. But, without any thought or planning, everyone slid into the seats they usually took when Ciara visited. It was as though 4

years had never transpired. The only difference this time, was BJ’s absence. No one seemed bothered by it, so Ciara didn’t ask. There was enough unspoken communication going on without adding to the ‘conversation.’

“You sounded good last week at the game, Nick. They actually showed it down here.”

“Oh, good. Thanks. It was cold as hell.”

Clink. Clank. Scrape. Chew. This was conducive to nothing but heartburn. What the hell had happened to this home? Ciara caught Nick’s eye across the table and asked all her questions in a glance. Nick could only gaze downward and concentrate on his food. He had no idea really. But it hurt that home no longer felt like home. He’d hoped that by bringing Ciara down here the liveliness that used to fill it when she was around would return. Sadly, it seemed irreparable. And why was his mom in such a snit?

“Aaron, when do your shows start?” Ciara couldn’t stand this silence anymore. It was downright painful.

“Friday night. In Jax. You gonna be able to make it?” His eyes begged.

“Oh, buddy…no. I work. Do you have any other Florida shows?”

“At the end…um…end of March I think. Lakeland and Miami.”

“Well, I’ll see what I can do to make one of those, okay?”

“Bring the oaf with you too, huh?”

“Do I have to?” Nick tossed a lettuce leaf at her eliciting giggles from everyone when it didn’t fly any further than the end of his plate. Well, everyone under 30 anyway. Getting Jane to smile was going to take some doing. Bob? Pppfffttt.

“Nick, please. Act like an adult.” She speaks. How pleasant.

He responded by sticking his tongue out to Ciara and Aaron and thwapping Les and Angel, who were sitting on either side of him, on the back of the head. “NICK!” He grinned and batted his eyes innocently shoving a forkful of potatoes and gravy in his mouth. Act like an adult. What? Like his mom who was pouting because her oldest had a girlfriend and didn’t ask for permission first? Sure. If that was adulthood, he wanted no part of it.

Now that Jane had found her voice, she couldn’t keep it shut. “So, Ciara…what does bring you down here? I figured you’d be off and married again by now.” The friendly smile Ciara had plastered on her face when the meal began slid off revealing a glare she only saved for the most impudent of people…typically patients who had a thorn in their side. Sadly, she reminded herself her patients were children. Not adults. Not mothers. Not people she once looked up to.

“Nope. Not married. I’m here with Nick, Jane.”

“With? Nick, is there something you need to tell us?”

“I have to make a formal announcement? Is that what’s upsetting you, Ma?”

“Who said something was upsetting me? I just…I mean it seems like…” She finally slammed her fork down on the plate, causing the Angel and Les to jump. Ciara was too hurt to react and Nick and Aaron too angry. Glaring at her oldest son, she finally conceded, “…this isn’t the place to talk about it, Nick. I’m just…I’m shocked is all.”

“Whatever.”

Clink. Clank. Scrape. Chew.

Nick stopped eating long enough to catch Ciara’s eyes and apologize. She accepted with a smile and a kiss tenderly sent across the table. It was hard enough for her to open up to a man like she had to Nick. The last thing she needed was family disapproval. But somehow, because she had overcome so much to let him love her, she didn’t care. They had enough obstacles to conquer without Jane’s interfering hand in it. It was obvious Nick was going to have no part of it. Ultimately, that’s all that mattered.

Finally, the meal ended and Ciara took it upon herself to help in the clean up, relieving Les and Angel who quickly disappeared into their rooms. The women needed to talk. At one time she considered Jane to be a friend, a confidant. Now, she felt like the enemy stealing the woman’s son away from her heart. It made no sense. It hurt. And it had to be discussed.

“Ci, I’m goin’ out back with Aaron…you won’t be long?”

“No, wanna just meet me at the house?”

He saddled up behind her wrapping his arms around her waist and nuzzling in her neck.

To hell with the gasp of air that just left his mother’s mouth. Whispering in her ear, he had to check. “You okay with this? I’m so sorry, baby.” She turned around in his arms and again communicated without words. It was fine. It was not his fault. Why he hadn’t told his mom about their relationship over Christmas was beyond Ciara, but after the ordeal with Mandy, she really wasn’t surprised. All love interests were probably kept a secret after that fiasco. Patting his stomach she nodded and turned her gaze to his house, now unseen from their position in the kitchen.

He bent down and kissed her lips tenderly, unaware of his mother’s complete body language of disapproval. Fuck her. He’d been waiting for Ciara for years. Now he had her. Who needs a mother’s approval when that kind of fortune falls in your lap? But, it was his mother after all, so to hopefully make some sort of amends, he kissed his mother’s cheek as well. “Thanks for dinner, Mama. It was great.” She turned from her scraping, setting down the plate and took his face in her hands. No words would come, so she simply got up on her tiptoes and kissed his forehead. He was a man now. But this relationship with Ciara was wrong. In every way. She’d fix it. But she wanted him to understand that it was because she loved him. Angry words would do no good now.

He squeezed his mothers arm and made his way out, brushing a hand over Ciara’s back as he passed by her. Manipulation. He could feel it in his bones. He was going to have nothing of it. Not this time. No way. No how.

“So, Ciara,” Jane made her name sound like the slimiest of swear words, “how long has this little romance been going on?”

***

“You okay, man?” Aaron had silently watched Nick come back outside from his brief conversation with his mom and Ciara. He’d quietly closed the door, walked by him on the deck, slowly went down the steps and walked to the surf looking out to the horizon as the sun set on the day. Nick had a temper. A hot one. When he was so mad that he remained calm was the worst. Scared Aaron to death. So, he had stayed on the deck and waited. Waited until the firm stance finally settled. Relaxed. Then he felt safe to approach.

“No.” He bent down to pick up a shell fragment and tossed it into the water.

“Aaron…why does she do this to us, huh? Why does she think she can just control every little goddamned detail of our lives?”

“I dunno. Seems the more time goes on, the worse it gets.”

“No wonder BJ’s so fucked up. No wonder…well, you know the shit I’ve done. She’s gonna have 5 kids in rehab one day.”

“I sure as hell hope not. I’m not plannin’ on it.”

“No one plans on it, Aaron. There just comes a point where you can’t deal with her control anymore and you’ve got to control SOMEthing. Les eats. BJ uses. I used.

Hell…I…” he looked over at his younger brother. Almost a man now himself. What would Aaron find to control? What had he already found? Nick shuddered to think…didn’t really want to know. “Never mind. I’m just sick of it. I mean, doesn’t she see what she’s doing to Les? Doesn’t she see that she’s who BJ is running from? Doesn’t she see?”

“She’s afraid to look, Nick. She’s just afraid now. I swear the woman runs on fear.”

“What the HELL is she afraid of?” Nick bent again, picking up another shell and flung it into to surf. He silently wished he could do that with this whole situation. Just toss it out, let the power of the ocean be in control. He surely wasn’t. He just wanted it gone.

“I have no idea, man. No damned idea.”

“She’s afraid her meal ticket is gonna turn on her, that’s what she’s afraid of.”

“Nick…do you really think that’s all she sees us as? Come on. She loves us. She loves you…”

“Yeah? See how you feel when you cut her off, when she’s not getting her 15%. We’ll talk then.”

Aaron had no other words. He found his own shell to toss to the water. Their mom was a control freak. It was no secret and there seemed to be no stopping it. But yet, he never doubted her love. He’d just decided she had a funny way of showing it sometimes.

Maybe Nick was right. Maybe he wasn’t. He wasn’t about to walk away from his mom now though. No matter how you sliced it, she was his mom and he needed her. He loved her. He just wished she’d back off a bit. That’s all. Just back off.

“I’m gonna head over to the house. Come by tomorrow and we’ll head out on the boat.”

“I got rehearsal…”

“Oh yeah…when will you get home?”

“Mom makes me stop for dinner.”

“Well, there’s something anyway. Come over then. We’ll go out late…maybe stay overnight, huh?”

“Yeah, sounds great. You okay?”

“I’m worried about what she’s saying to Ciara.”

“Ci’s tough. She can take it.”

“She acts tough, Air…but inside?” Nick shook his head, knowing he needed to leave the two women alone, but wanting desperately to storm in, sweep Ciara out of there and run to his house, never crossing his mother’s door again.

“It’s gonna work out. You and Cici have belonged together since…well, since forever. To hell with mom. I’m just glad you finally woke up and did something about it.”

“Me too. I can’t imagine life without her.”

“Then forget Mom. Just go be with Ci. Janie’ll come around.” Nick punched Aaron’s arm, knocking him off balance and started across the beach to his house. He shoved his hands deep in his pockets, keeping his eye on the sand, watching as the front of his sandals disappeared with each forward step. How long has Aaron seen? How long has AJ seen? Why couldn’t his mother see? He couldn’t imagine life without Ciara. That wasn’t just a nice sentiment. He meant it. But, was it really true?

Was she really the one specially chosen for him? Could it be this great? This easy? This wonder…..

“Ooof! What the?” Nick was again on the ground, this time on his face with only a patch of blonde hair peeking into his peripheral vision. “Aaron…you’ve got to stop doin’ this, man. You’re too big.”

“Nah, you’re just weak. Don’t punch my arm, Dweeb.”

“Don’t punch your…don’t punch your…” Nick shimmied around and got a hold of his brother’s shoulders and slammed him into the sand on his back, straddling his hips as Aaron had done not too many hours before. It was really hard to pretend to be angry when both parties couldn’t stop giggling. Nick conceded to the moment and let go, sitting back on his brother’s legs. “Thanks for listening.”

“Anytime. Now get OFF me…..YOU’RE the heavy one!” Aaron pushed Nick off his hips, but was quickly grabbed by much larger, stronger hands and pulled down again.

Laughter, tickling, friendly punches, twisted arms, sand in the hair…in everywhere…brothers. This is why Nick came home. This is why he couldn’t stay away for long. This is why he wanted to share it with Ciara. When nothing else made sense, this did.

Chapter Thirty Nine

“Would you look at those two, I swear.” Ciara peeked out of the kitchen window to see two blonde heads rolling in the sand, almost drenching themselves in the surf.

November in Tampa was warm, but the water wasn’t someplace you necessarily wanted to be. It was cold.

Jane pulled her head out of the cabinet long enough to join Ciara’s gaze outside. “Yep.

They’re insatiable, that’s for sure. I wish they could be together more.”

“Aaron’s touring with them though this time, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, he is. That’ll be nice. Or a nightmare. I can’t decide which!”

“Could go either way. I’d just love to see Kevin’s impatience going off when they go at it.

That’d be worth a trip overseas.”

“Yeah, Nick and Kevin are good for each other. Keep each other balanced.” Ciara silently hoped Nick and Kevin didn’t spend too much free time together at all. For balance, for anything. As happy as she was that the situation with Lindsey had worked its way out and didn’t seem to put a wedge in her relationship with the boys, even mending her relationship with Kevin, he was still a womanizer. A partier. A fool in Ciara’s mind. Nick didn’t need that kind of role model. Hang with Brian, please.

The trip had gone pretty well thus far, despite Nick’s earlier concern of possible humiliation and pressure. It was nice being with this family again. It was nice being in Tampa again. It was even nicer being away from Bill. She didn’t even miss him. Much.

“Hey! You gonna stow away in the kitchen the whole time we’re here?” Nick and Aaron came stumbling in, hair tousled and matted to their heads, sand covering EVERYthing and clothes twisted bassackwards. What a sight.

“You have something else in mind? Like a shower?” Ciara curled her nose up at the two messy, sweaty boys.

With you, yeah. “You sayin’ I’m stinky?” Nick bopped his brother on the head one last time and walked over to Ciara, lifting an arm and waving his “pit air” in her general direction.

“Ew, God, Nick. Go bathe. You’re spreadin’ sand everywhere anyway. Les and BJ

mentioned shopping earlier. Why don’t you come along?”

“I’m out!” A short blonde blur fled from the room, hoping to avoid getting sucked into anything remotely related to shopping.

“Yeah, sure. I wanted to grab a few new games anyway. Gimme 10?”

“I’ll get the girls.”

Nick took off down the hall taking off his shirt as he went. Small sprinkles of sand made a path behind him, causing his mom to sigh and Ciara do nothing more than shake her head. He’s a brat. A sweet, loveable brat.

“Is that okay, Jane? Can I take ‘em all out?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. Get them out of my hair for a bit. You, uh…wouldn’t wanna take Aaron too would you?” Cheesy grin. Pleading eyes.

“NO! I’m not goin’!”

“Where did you come from, young man?” Ciara ruffled his hair only to have a pound of sand fall from his head onto the tiled floor of the kitchen. “Crap…I’m sorry, Jane. I’ll get it.”

“Nope. He’ll get it. Aaron, get the broom. Ci, go ahead and get ready. I’ll keep him. No sense all you having to listen to both he and Nick whining.”

“Aw, Mom…I don’t wanna sweep!”

“Shop or sweep, smarty. You chose.”

“I’m sweepin’, I’m sweepin’…jeez.”

***

“So, how’s married life, Cici?” BJ unloaded her tray onto the table, shaking her head at the amount of food in front of her brother. Damned fool could eat a horse and not gain an ounce. Les wasn’t so lucky. BJ just never was hungry enough to bother.

“Eh, it’s okay, Beej…not all it’s cracked up to be.”

“It’d help,” Nick swallowed the wad of food in his mouth finally, taking a huge swig of soda, “if you weren’t married to an asshole.”

“NICK!” Les and BJ fortunately had been shielded from all that was Bill. In fact, Nick really had no clue; he was speaking purely from Ciara’s body language and his own jealousy. Thing was, he knew he was right because Ciara never argued with him on it.

“He’s got a point. Bill’s not the poster boy for perfect husbands.”

“Oh…” BJ looked down at her pizza, feeling a bit ashamed for bringing it up. “I’m sorry.

I just assumed…”

“It’s okay, sweetie. I’m trying to make it better. Kinda why I’m here. We needed some space. Dumb ass had some surgery again, so I’m letting him heal all by himself this time.”

“What’d he have surgery for? Had I known that…”

“Don’t worry about it Nick. Wouldn’t have changed a thing.” Taking a bite of her own pizza, she smiled around her mouthful. “You ready for this one?”

“I doubt it.”

“So do I. He sits around watchin’ TV with a paper clip in his mouth. Always has done it.

He’d do it at the hospital with Josh too. Well, the moron finally swallowed one.”

“No way.”

“Way. Goes to ‘his’ doc, they decide the only way to get it out is surgery.”

“My God…that sounds pretty serious!” BJ couldn’t decide whether to be disgusted or amused. What a maroon. Ciara definitely deserved someone better than this guy.

“Well, it could be, I suppose. He was fine when I left him. Layin’ on the couch with his cath bag in his hand. Perfection.”

“Cath bag?”

“Um…” Ciara looked to BJ and Nick for a bit of assistance on how much information to give Leslie. She might be twelve but she always seemed so sheltered. More so than Angel and Aaron even.

“A plastic bag that holds his pee, Les. No wonder you wanted to get out of there.” Thanks, Nick. Nicely put. “Yeah, he’s my hero.”

“He didn’t do this on purpose, did he?”

Ciara stopped shoving food in her mouth and just stared at the blonde boy/man across the table from her. More boy than man. More playful than serious. But when he stopped goofing long enough and just thought, he was often downright brilliant. Able to see beyond the tangible to the hidden feeling and heart of almost any matter. He was her dreamer. She wished for that ability.

“I knew I liked you for some reason, Carter.”

“Eh, you like me because of my blue eyes and charming personality.” Cheesy grin.

Gagging noises from his sisters. Big slurp of his pop. Burp. Charming alright. “Seriously, Ci. Did he do this on purpose? Who the hell swallows a paper clip!?”

“Bill does apparently. Gets his ass outta work for another 6 weeks. He’s one in a million.”

“Yeah, and leave it to you to find him. God.” Nick stood, stretching and patting his stomach in exaggerated fullness from their meal. “You guys done? I wanna walk.”

***

“EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! Look, it’s the Backstreet Boys CD!” Leslie flailed her arms in the air, and jumped up and down making the store full of people stare.

“Les! Stop it! God…put that down.” Nick yanked the CD from his tormenting sister’s hand and shoved it back in the slot. “Do we need a hoard of…of YOU following us, huh?”

“No, probably not…sorry.” She shrugged off his anger and found BJ in a different section. What a party pooper he could be.

Nick looked around, peeking out from under his ball cap to see if anyone noticed him and was relieved to see a clear path. He stopped by Ciara on his way out. Sliding an arm around her waist, he bent down to her ear and whispered, “I’m goin’ across the way to find some games. Meet me by the fountain?”

Ciara’s heart stopped at his touch…his breath on her ear. Damn him. Foul play. She couldn’t react, couldn’t respond. Hell, she couldn’t breathe. Finally taking a deep breath, pretending to be so entranced in her CD she was reading, she looked up and smiled.

“Yeah, go on. We’ll be there.”

He made his way out chuckling. He got to her and he knew it. Since when was she interested in a Barney CD? Damn that husband of hers. Damn the age difference. He wanted a chance and as cool as it was that he got to her with his flirtation, he knew deep in his heart nothing would ever come of it.

After Leslie saw that Nick was safely out of the store, she snuck up to Ciara. “Hey…can I ask you a favor?”

“Sure, kiddo…whatcha need?” Relief. How dare he do that to her? She was still mulling around the feelings that coursed through her body at his touch. And a Barney CD?

Damn…he probably noticed too. But, it wasn’t right. She was married. He was a minor.

He was…Nick. But, damn…

“I need to uh…well, I need to buy some, um…” Leslie sighed, frustrated that she had to do this, that she was awkward and that she hadn’t spoken to her mom yet about it for some reason. Ciara seemed safe, and yet she still stood here bumbling. “I’m sorry. I need to get some bras…I don’t wanna go with mom. Can you help me?”

“Oh honey…sure! Yeah, lemme go tell Nick and we can head down the way.”

“NO! Don’t tell him!”

“Well, I have to tell him we’re not here anymore…I’ll just tell him we’ll be awhile yet, okay?”

“Okay…” Leslie’s eyes lowered in embarrassment at how silly she was being. She just was ashamed of her slightly heavy body and her mom did nothing but ride her about it.

Ciara wouldn’t do that and she knew it.

“Can BJ come?”

“Um, yeah…”

“Alright,” Ciara patted Leslie’s arm and went to BJ, whispering something unheard to Les. BJ’s eyes smiled to her sister and they made their way out of the store motioning for Les to follow. “Lemme let Nick know where we’re headed.” Ciara saw him standing at the store’s Nintendo unit deeply entranced in a new game.

Turn about was fair play, at least in Cici’s mind. She quietly made her way in and stood back watching him for but a few moments. Once the small group of boys that had been standing by had walked away, she slid up close to him and ran a finger up his arm, and leaned in, brushing her curls along his bare skin.

CRASH! BEEP! “Game over,” came screaming from the machine and Nick stood perfectly still. Now he was the one who couldn’t breathe, who couldn’t think, who couldn’t function.

“Hey, baby. Cat got your uh…joystick?”

He slowly turned his gaze from the black screen down to her green flirtatious eyes. Talk about your foul plays. “That was not fair.”

“Sorry.” She stepped back and went back to the playful Ciara he had known for years.

Sultry seductress she just could not maintain right now. “Les needs to go looking for something special, so we’ll need a bit longer here. Can you give us about a half hour or so?”

“Yeah…where you goin’?”

“Just some girl stuff….”

“Girl stuff? Where are you going…she’s always so damned secretive.”

“Nick…she’s embarrassed. She needs a bra.”

“Oh…God. Why did I ask? Yes, go on. I’m NOT going into an underwear department with you. No way.”

“Didn’t think you’d want to…now, uh…” She picked up her seductress for one final act,

“push that little red button there, baby and I bet your joystick will come back to life.” And she was gone. He stood there, watching her walk away wondering how many shades of red one person could get before they called the paramedics in. He had to be damned close. He just had to be.

***

“Uh, Mom…could you come in here?” Leslie carried her new purchase very close to her body fearful it’d fall and spill its contents. She was feeling guilty for not doing this with her, but couldn’t bear the underhanded comments either. Now that her purchase had been made, however, she was ready to share.

“Yeah, hon…whatdya get?”

Ciara was in the next room, getting changed for an evening on the boat. What she would hear would stick with her for quite some time. It broke her heart.

“Well, Ciara helped me. We never really have the time to shop like this, you know, so uh…” Ciara could hear the rattle of a bag and the sound of Leslie’s bed creaking as Jane sat down on it. “We bought a few bras. I’m kinda feeling like I should wear one now, Mom.”

“Yeah, I guess so!” Silence. Ciara kept getting dressed, dying to see, to hear what was going on. She needed a new hobby. She sucked at eaves dropping. “So, uh…these look kinda small. Are they going to be big enough for you?” She did not just say that to that girl. Ciara sat on her bed as well and seethed. She wasn’t supposed to have heard this conversation at all, but unfortunately she had. Didn’t Jane KNOW? Didn’t she see that Les was already insecure about her weight? About her size?

The poor thing should have been in a bra since summer time and now…my god. Nick was right. Her finger was on a control switch and she no longer had any thought or concern for her kid’s feelings.

“They’re fine, Mom. We tried them on. Just…just forget it.” More rattling of bags and Ciara thought it best to make her way out quickly. Neither Jane nor Les would benefit knowing this conversation had been overheard. But it had been. And Ciara couldn’t shake it. She couldn’t believe it. Such a simple question from her mother, but to that child…it was like a smack in the face. If Ciara knew it, why didn’t Jane?

She grabbed her bag and made her way out to the deck, hoping to find the guys getting things ready for their evening out. Thank God they were. But, in typical Nick fashion, nothing got past him as far as Ciara’s moods were concerned.

“Hey…you okay?”

“Uh…yeah…I’m fine. Just…” She plopped down on a deck chair and watched Bob as he shoved water bottles into a cooler for “the kid’s” night out. He’d always called her a kid too, silly as it felt. And really, that was okay. With Nick, she felt like one.

“Ci…what happened? What did mom say to you?”

Chapter Forty

Ciara heaved a sigh…a sigh of exhaustion and resignation. “Not now, Nick. Let’s just…let’s get on the boat and go, huh?”

It had been almost 24 hours since the two women had their talk. And Ciara still wouldn’t discuss it. He thought maybe getting her on the boat with a promise of a REAL getaway, she might open up. When she met Nick back at his house the night before, she was sullen, quiet, uncharacteristically sober. She was also somewhat clingy, another un-Ciara like thing to be. Not that Nick was complaining, but he knew it was coming from an awful place, not a sudden desire for his touch.

Then, when it was time to finally turn in, she let him spoon her, again something she didn’t typically do. She’d slept alone most of her life and cuddling while sleeping was hard for her. While snuggling in they’d cuddle, but once it was time for sleep, they’d separate a bit, touching a foot or an arm, maybe a leg or a hand on the other’s back, but never full body contact; she just couldn’t sleep like that. But last night, it started with spooning and ended up with a plea to him to make love to her. To make her feel whole and well and complete.

And so he did. He could fulfill that request nightly should she need it. But yet…as beautiful as it was, as much love as they both felt from the other and as much love as they gave to the other, something was wrong. Jane had snapped something shut in Ciara that she just wasn’t ready to talk about yet. And it was killing Nick to see her close off again. They’d made such progress.

“You ready, Aaron?”

“Yeah, got everything. Mom’s just riding my ass about being home in time for rehearsals tomorrow.”

“We’ll get you…” Interrupting Nick’s words, and before the boys could even register what happened, Ciara left the bridge and disappeared below deck. Yep, Jane was definitely the trigger. Bitch.

“What’d I say?”

“I think the word of the day is ‘mom’. Something happened last night, man. She’s been like this since she came back and won’t talk.”

“Oh wow. Mom was quiet, too. You know, I don’t have to come tonight if guys need to work this out.”

Nick looked up at his brother still amazed he would even think that selflessly. Boating with Nick was always a major ordeal when they were home together. You just didn’t willingly walk away from it. But Aaron saw that this situation wasn’t ordinary and Nick was blown away that his little brother was learning how to see beyond himself. It seemed just yesterday he was just 10 years old. Now…well, now he was growing up.

Nicely at that. “You know, lemme ask Ci. I’m okay with it, but maybe…just…dammit.

This was supposed to be a relaxing trip. I can’t believe this shit.” Nick took Ciara’s path down to the staterooms surprised to find her just sitting in the parlor staring at…at nothing.

“Hey…can I come in?”

Ciara looked up to him and smiled. Almost the kind of smile she’d get with an insulin reaction. Spooky. Empty. He didn’t like it. “Yeah, sit with me.”

“I can’t, Ci. I’ve got a bit more to do upstairs before we head out. Are you sure you wanna do this?”

“Yes.” She looked up to the handsome man in front of her and some of her fire came back in her eyes. Granted, it was rooted in anger, but it was better than the vast wasteland that had taken residence up until now. “Get me out of here, Nick.”

“Aaron’s offered to stay at home if you’d…”

“No, I want him here. I need you both.” She got up from her sulking position and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on what she called “her place”…where his chest and stomach met, creating a small, concave patch just at the height for her head to lay. She’d first noticed it a few years ago once he’d reached his full height. Her only thought then was, “we fit,” and it made being in his arms all that more special. And now, it brought comfort amidst the storm raging in her mind and heart. They fit. No matter what anyone had to say about it, no matter what secrets they were withholding from one another, they fit. And right now, that’s all that mattered. She sighed again and squeezed her arms around his waist. “What can I do to help us get ready?” Kissing her head and resting his cheek on her curls, he squeezed back. “Nothing. Just come back up and join us though, huh?”

He pulled back from their embrace, brushed an escaped tear from her face, and took hold of her hand to head back to the bridge. She replied with a shy smile, a bit embarrassed at her behavior for the last day. It was just too much. Too much going on in her mind before she ever landed in Marathon and now…it just felt easier to shut down than to deal. But Nick wouldn’t let her do it. And deep down, she couldn’t be more grateful. She didn’t want to shut down. It was empty in that place and she never wanted to feel that lonely again.

***

“So where are you boys taking me?” Aaron was driving…something Ciara wasn’t sure she was ready to deal with yet. She didn’t question the age requirement, figuring they knew what they were doing. He obviously had done it before, because he effortlessly guided them out of the slip. She stood by him watching the horizon widen before her as they crept further from land.

“Key West. We’ll eat there, grab a couple of scooters to get around on, your lead.” Nick was sitting back, just watching his brother and his girl, excited about the next 18 hours or so they’d have together.

“Scooters?”

“Yep. Scooters. More like little mopeds, really. They’re a blast. We can go shopping or just drive around, maybe hit a bar or something later on.”

“Uh, Aaron…he can’t get in.”

“Yeah, he can get in…there are some that are family friendly. We’ll go there. Then we’ll come back to the boat, sail out a bit, drop anchor and spend the night.” Nick knew she was putting an extra effort forth for Aaron. Maybe that’s why she needed him there. To make her just deal with it and not sulk. Whatever was going on, he was glad she was back. Somewhat.

“Sounds perfect.”

“You wanted to get away…we’re gonna take you away.” Aaron wagged his eyebrows and offered his best, most practiced “Carter grin” while expertly turning the boat onto the correct path toward Key West. Rescuing a girl from grief? Oh yeah, he could get real used to this.

“God, I think I’m in love.” Ciara leaned her head on the young boy’s shoulder, looking up into his eyes, batting her eyelashes like a flirtatious southern belle.

“Hey, hey…hands off the baby brother now. He’s jailbait.”

“Yes. Quite.” She kissed Aaron on the cheek and stepped away, still stinging from some of Jane’s words. Sadly, Nick wasn’t the only Carter boy who came up in the discussion.

So did Aaron. As had her ex-husband, her health and Jane’s favorite topic…fame. Not wanting to ruin the moment of get-away with it all, she took in a deep breath of sea air hoping it’d cleanse her mind of all the bad stuff hanging overhead.

It was a gorgeous, albeit a cool day. She’d talk. She had to. But now, she was with two of her favorite people in the world and didn’t have to think or do or be anything she didn’t want to until their return back to Tampa. And a night out bobbing in the ocean? This was going to be great.

As Aaron kicked the boat into full throttle, Nick stood from his seat on the bridge and wrapped his arms around Ciara resting his chin on her head. “You feelin’ a little better now?”

“Yeah…thanks for doing this, Nick. Thanks for not letting me sulk.”

“Nope. No sulking allowed. We’re just going to relax now.” And she tried. She really, truly tried.

***

And so did the boys. Dinner at Sloppy Joe’s was just crazy. Noisy, fun, great food and great company. They’d gone across the way to rent a couple of scooters and just spent the evening zipping around the island, popping into shops, buying little, goofing off much.

Nick drove the boat from the Keys out to a string of small islands. Others were parked there for the night as well, but not too many. It was sort of like a deserted campground for boats. He found a spot far removed from the others and turned off the engine, listening to his brother and Ciara goofing off down in the galley. It sounded like whatever was going on down there was going to require clean up. Naturally. Always did when Aaron was involved.

“What in the world?” Nick landed on the bottom stair only to see water shooting from behind the bar area over to the parlor. Another spray of water came from the parlor, back up over the bar to the galley. Fountains. How clever. “Aaron! Ciara! Get out here!” A blonde head peeked out from behind the bar and guilty auburn curls popped up from behind the couch. Their halos were tilted, tarnished and hanging just so off the horns on their heads. “Uh, hi.” In unison.

“If you’re gonna have a water bottle fight, then you’d better wait for me.” Nick whipped out the bottle he’d been carrying in his back pocket faster than Quick Draw McGraw and aimed it right at the curly mop perched behind the couch. Before she could react, he’d moved his aim to Aaron and the games commenced. Water was everywhere. The furniture and carpets were drenched. No one cared. Until their bottles were empty. Then all you could hear were giggles and the “ppfftt, ppfftt” sounds of one last attempt to get the final droplet of water out onto the awaiting victim.

“Hey, laughing boy, no mo buwwets!”

“No mo buwwets!? Lemme see dat.” Nick yanked Ciara’s bottle from her hand and pointed it at himself. He squeezed one last time and was surprised to be sprayed with one more flimsy squirt of water. Right between the eyes.

“Well, waddya know…one buwwet weft.”

Nick turned to her, glaring through his smile. She ducked back behind the couch afraid he, too might have one ‘buwwet weft.’ Instead he wiped his face dry and turned to survey the damage. Thank God it was just water. “Aaron, you chicken shit…come out from behind the counter. We’re out of buwwets.”

“Beep! Game over.” His now matted, blonde head peeked out from behind the counter.

“God, we made a mess.”

“Yep. Now we get to clean it up. I’ll get the towels.” Nothing like ruining a good game with clean up. Yuck. But, leave it to the boys to continue goofing off in the mean time. Wet towels became weapons as they swirled them into long whips, thwapping each other’s legs with them, evoking yelps loud enough to wake the dead. Finally, the room was somewhat dried out and they could settle in for a night of star-gazing, dreaming and forgetting. Maybe.

Settling up on the bridge, they all went to their own private places for reflection and quiet. Ciara read, Aaron played Game Boy and Nick had brought a pad and paper and was doodling. Sometimes silence was the best music of all. The calm water smacked gently on the sides of the boat, causing a slight rhythmic movement of the vessel. Ciara hunched she’d sleep well this night, letting the rhythm of the ocean lull her to sleep. As much as she was enjoying this peace and quiet on the bridge, she also couldn’t wait to get down into the bed, snuggle in and just doze off. This had been relaxing and she couldn’t thank Nick and Aaron enough for taking her out for the night.

She also couldn’t concentrate enough to read. Even with all the fun they’d had tonight, Jane’s words continued to echo in her head intertwining with the memories of the evening she’d had at work only days before. Trying to escape those thoughts, she’d peek over her book to watch Nick draw, brow furrowed, hand lightly scraping across the paper, arm flexing ever so slightly at the differing pressure he’d use on each stroke. His hair, now dry from their water battle fell softly over his eyes and he’d occasionally blow it away with a soft puff of air. He looked up to the sky, deep in thought and caught her staring on the way back to his task.

“Whatcha drawin’?”

“Mmm...just trying to remember something I saw the other day. I thought I could keep it up here,” pointing to his head, “but it’s left me.”

“Oh, a scene or what?”

“No…” Should he tell her? Of course. It didn’t matter now that he’d watched her working.

The secret was out that he’d been there. “…it’s a star.”

“A star? What kind of star?” She put her book down and crawled across the couch to where he was, gasping as she saw his failed attempts at mimicking Catie’s star.

“You…you know this story?”

“Someone read it to me the other night, yeah. I like it.”

“Read it to…” Her eyes questioned, but her heart knew. He’d been there. Totally against her will, a tear escaped its confines and snuck down her cheek. “You saw Catie?”

“Yeah, and I promised her that I’d come back and draw her a star. But now…now I can’t remember how it was done. It was different enough, and…” he went back to work, sliding his pad over to her so she could watch, “…and yet, it was like the ones we’ve always drawn as kids. I just can’t remember what made it different.” Tears were flowing freely now as she watched through clouded eyes as he tried to mimic the star in the book. Wiping them away, she laid her writing hand over his. “Let me help.

I remember. It’s an 8-pointed star.”

“Okay.”

“Say it with me…” She guided his hand in the motion of her words, as realization dawned on him that he’d memorized the poem wrong. He took his eyes off the paper, letting her lead the way and just watched as tears flowed down her face. “Down, over, left and right, draw a star oh so bright. There…” She leaned back looking at their team effort. “It was a good star.”

“Hold on to me, said the star to the artist.”

“Then together they traveled across the night sky.” With those words, Ciara buckled, falling into his chest as tears overtook her body. Nick didn’t get it. He didn’t understand, but even still, he laid the pad down, and held her close, hoping maybe this burst of emotion would break her free from whatever prison his mother had put her in.

“Shhh…shhh…it’s okay, Ci…it’s okay.” Nick looked helplessly at his brother who had pulled himself from his game long enough to watch the whole scene unfold. He’d never seen Nick this tender with another person before. He always knew Nick had these kinds of feeling for Cici, even before Nick knew it, but yet, he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. This was love. This wasn’t the crap you see on the movie screen or on TV. This was the real McCoy.

Aaron stood, taking his Game Boy with him and headed to the stairs. Catching his brother’s eye and saying nothing, he went downstairs to leave them alone. This was beyond him and he knew it. It was also none of his business. But if his mother was the cause of that much heartache he was gonna blow.

Finally, Ciara’s tears subsided and she pulled from Nick’s arms long enough to wipe her eyes and offer a most pathetic smile. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Can you tell me why you were crying? I just thought…I thought it’d be neat to go back to the hospital and see her again…draw her that star maybe, let her keep it.” She reached up and touched his face. So sweet now. Now he was more man than boy.

Such a beautiful transformation. Here he wasn’t the public Nick, drinking too much to escape and be “cool”, cocking off with his fake ghetto attitude or carting around the portable wall he needed to protect himself from invader fans. Just Nick. Her Nick.

Finally, she found her voice and told him what he’d least expect to hear. “You can’t, Nick.”

“Why not?”

“Honey, she died that night. Alone. No parents to comfort her, no friends to make her laugh…no one. She’s gone, Nick.”

For a moment, his eyes bugged out but then quickly diverted her gaze. That sweet little girl was gone? And alone? How wrong could that be? What the hell was with her parents that they’d let her die alone? “Gone, huh? Well…then I guess I’ll have to find me another little girl to draw that star for.”

“Yeah, that’d be nice. It’s a favorite on our floor.”

“Where were her parents, Ci?”

“We have no idea. They brought her into the emergency room a few weeks ago. And once they admitted her, they left saying they were gonna sleep while she did. Pretty typical. We wish more parents would do that rather than hanging around 24/7 getting grouchy and tired.”

“But they never came back, did they?”

“Nope. All the info they gave us was false I guess. We couldn’t find them.”

“Did you know she wasn’t gonna make it?”

“Well, there’s always hope. We made contact with the state and stuff so if she did recover they’d be able to care for her ‘til we found her mom.”

“That’s just…God! How does someone abandon their kid like that…especially when they’re sick?”

“I don’t know, Nick, but you’d be shocked to know how often it happens. Normally the kid doesn’t die, but we get kids all the time whose parents just want a date night.” Nothing. He had nothing. All he wanted to do was see Catie again and tell her someone loved her. Ciara loved her. He had a feeling once he met her, he’d have loved her too.

What a waste.

“So, you know…thinking about that, kind of lends a new light on your mom.”

“How’s that?” He couldn’t imagine a connection.

“Well, I mean…I really don’t want to get too into it too deeply, Nick. I had the last word.

Maybe, maybe she’s thinking about it.”

“Maybe. So what happened with Mom?”

“Hmmm…well…” Ciara started counting accusations on her fingers as she spoke. “Let’s see…she accused me of seducing you. Was worried I’d do the same to Aaron. Said that she really didn’t think you understood what being with me meant in regards to my health anymore than I’d understand about being with a ‘celebrity’ and all that entailed.

Um…what else? Oh yeah, I proved my immaturity and inability to commit by marrying Bill and leaving him so soon. And she implied that the only reason I was a nurse was because I had to make amends for my parents failures somehow. That by caring for sick kids, I could forgive them for not caring for me the way they should have.” Nick blinked slowly trying to register all he was hearing. And trying to get his breathing to a normal level again. He was furious. “And you didn’t kill her?”

“Nah, I thought I’d leave that up to you.”

“I’m so…my god, what the HELL is wrong with her?”

“She loves you.”

“That’s not love, Ci. That’s no more love than Catie’s parents.”

“Mmmm…I dunno…it’s fucked up, but she loves you, Nick. So much. She just…” Ciara sighed, rubbing her eyes from the continued stinging from her earlier crying spell. “She just has lost all sense of what that means now. This is a woman who should not be mixing business with family. She can be a good mom. She can be a good manager, but she should not be both to any of you.”

“That’s a damned kind way of looking at it.”

“I’ve thought a lot since we talked. I think her heart is right, Nick. I really, truly do. All of her concerns had to do with you and the other’s well being. A protective thing. In a sick way, it made sense.”

“I’m not following, but….”

“Maybe you don’t have to, Nick. Her words were against me and only me. Not you for being with me. Me for being with you. She was convinced I’d been sleeping with you since you were Aaron’s age or something. So, just knowing that wasn’t the case calmed her down a lot.”

“Well, goody for her. How noble.”

“Nick…”

“What!? What would she have done if we were together since then, huh? Would she walk away from me? Leave ME in a hospital if I got sick?”

“I don’t think so, Nick, no. Have you EVER felt abandoned by her?” He had to think about that one. Like Catie had been? No. Not at all. Suffocated was more like it. But yet, in being suffocated, wasn’t he somehow also being abandoned? His dreams, his concerns, his LIFE was not of concern to her if it diverted from the path SHE had laid out for him. But, was Ciara right? Was that just a warped view of love? He really had no idea.

Since he had no answers, he went forward with another question. “What did she mean about your health, Ci? I know full well what it means to be with you. I’ve seen more than she’ll ever know.”

“Yeah, you have. But she has a point. I’m still…I mean…there’s a lot you don’t know, too.

And she’s afraid your heart is gonna get all wrapped up and maybe…maybe some dreams you have for your future won’t be able to come to fruition because you’ve wasted your time on me.”

“Wasted my time? Who the HELL…..”

“Stop. It’s possible you’ll feel that way, Nick. It really is.”

“No, it’s not, Ci. Just stop talking like that. I’m here. Don’t you know that by now?”

“Yeah, you’re here. And I’m here…and that’s kind of what I told her. I think she sees that we’re not just in it for some cheap thrills. She knows how I feel now, and when I left, she’d calmed down quite a bit.”

“Good. Still, how dare she say those things to you?”

“She loves you…she just…she loves you, Nick.”

“Mmmm…if she loved me, she’d know that I’m my best when I’m with you. Always have been. It’s when you’re gone I get my ass in trouble and do stupid stuff.”

“She’ll see it. One day, maybe she’ll see it.”

“I wish she’d take her hands off that damned control switch long enough to see it now.

I’m tired of it, Ci…so, so tired.” He leaned back against the couch, running a hand through his hair. So damned tired.

“I know, baby. But I told her about Catie…and how she had nothing and no one. Told her that just being there at all was more than any kid needs. They don’t need to be joined at the hip. They just need to know their mom is there in the wings waiting to patch ‘em up when they screw up. Catie never had that and you guys do.”

“What’d she say?”

“She cried.”

“Well that’s something, I guess. I’m sorry, Cici. I’m sorry she hurt you.” He perched his arm on the back of the couch and started curling her hair around a finger. When one piece was tightly surrounding it, he’d unwind it and pick up a new tendril starting the process all over again.

“It’s okay. I really saw that she does love you and truthfully, I’d begun to wonder. She’s horribly worried about BJ.”

“Ppfftt. She’s the cause of BJ’s problems.”

“She may be the catalyst, Nick, but BJ is old enough to decide how to handle it all. BJ is the cause of BJ’s problems now.”

Had to think about that one too. Because if BJ was the cause of BJ’s problems then that meant HE was the cause of his own problems. Was he ready to admit that? He couldn’t deny it…not to Ciara. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

They sat in silence for awhile while Nick mulled over all he’d heard and continued twisting her hair around his fingers. It still didn’t all make sense, but he was glad to hear that Ciara was okay. Working things out. And it was nice to hear from someone else that even though his mom was a bit twisted with it, she did love him. He’d truly begun to doubt as well.

“So, where are you now, Ci?”

“Here, with you. Wondering if my underwear will ever dry from our water battle.” He smiled hearing his girl come back from the closed in space she’d escaped to earlier.

Totally back. “We could just take it off, you know.”

“Mmmm…that we could. Race ya’ downstairs?”

And she was off…before he could even plant his feet on the floor of the deck, she had hit the bottom step. So, he stood on the bridge for one more moment, breathing in the night air and finding a star that looked remarkably similar to the one drawn on their paper.

“Then together they traveled across the night sky.” He kissed the inside of his hand and sent it heavenward. “Safe travels, Catie.”

Chapter Forty One

“Whatcha doin’?” Ciara popped up from below deck on the small watercraft wondering where Nick had been. He was uncharacteristically quiet the whole evening, sequestering himself on the bridge. She missed him.

“Hey. Just wishing on a star.”

“Ah, I see. Whatdya wish for?”

“Now if I tell you that, my wish won’t come true.”

“You’re right. Well, I hate to break your reverie here, but shouldn’t we head back? Your mom might get worried.”

“Yep…was just thinkin’ that. Let’s go.”

He hated to go back, he really did. It meant tomorrow was just around the bend and he didn’t want it to be so. But it was. Tomorrow, Ciara had to head back. A few weeks after that was Christmas and then he’d start yet another tour, and this one was huge. Start out in Canada, but they’d end up in America for a lot of it and that excited him. Finally home.

Finally accepted here. A dream come true.

He started the engine and turned the vessel around, heading back to the slip at the marina. It had a been a great visit with Ciara. This good-bye would be easier because he never broke a promise. They’d never go as long without seeing each other again. His birthday was coming and he was going to invite her to New York to celebrate with him.

Maybe when he blew out the candles, he could double up on that wish upon a star he’d just made. He knew dreams came true. He was living it. But now he wondered if wishes really did come true too.

***

“Thanks for everything, Jane. We’ll keep in touch.” Ciara tossed the last of her bags in the back of Nick’s truck, slamming the door shut.

“You ready?”

“Yep. Take me home, James.”

“I wish. How ‘bout the airport?”

“Eh, that’ll do.” Ciara hiked herself up into the truck waving at Aaron peeking out from the living room window. “Nick…is he crying?”

“Hmm? Who?” He pulled his seatbelt across his chest and buckled in while looking up to the house.

“Aaron…is he crying?”

“Damn…looks like it. Did you say ‘goodbye’ to him?” Nick started the truck, but didn’t move. He had a hunch Ciara wasn’t as ready as she thought she was.

“No. He wouldn’t let me. Ran to his room and slammed the door closed.”

“Go back. He does this to me sometimes. He doesn’t want to say ‘goodbye’ but gets all worked up if you don’t.”

“We have time?” She was already unbuckling her seat belt and opening the door.

“Go on….he’s really upset.” He slung his arm up on the back of her seat and watched her run back in. Well, almost in. Aaron ran out of the door and met her jumping into her arms. Nick heard no words, but watched as she took Aaron’s tears, wiped them away, spoke gently to him and headed back to the car while Aaron waved vigorously by the door.

“Wow…that was weird.” She groaned at the pain that shot through her hip as she hiked back into the truck and buckled in. “Thanks.”

“’S okay. What’d you say to him? He never smiles when I go back.”

“He loves me more than you.”

Nick stuck his tongue out at her and finally backed out of the driveway. Sometimes she just had magic about her, he was convinced.

“Nick…is your family moving?”

“Huh? Where did that come from?”

“I have no idea. I just…this felt like…” She sighed realizing she had nothing tangible to site as an example. “He was so upset.”

“I don’t know about them moving. Maybe he’s just old enough to realize how long you guys go between seeing each other. Especially since you’re not here anymore, you know?”

“Yeah, that’s probably it. He kept saying he’s afraid he’s not gonna see me anymore.”

“What!? You’re kidding.”

“No…it’s buggin’ me.”

Nick said nothing else. He knew nothing about a move. Why would Aaron say such a thing? Made no sense, but Aaron was known for being a bit melodramatic. That was probably it.

Before long, they had arrived at the airport and Ciara was checked in and waiting to be called to the gate. Nick was fidgety and kept checking his watch, making Ciara nervous for something she was typically very calm about. Flying.

“You got a hot date or something?”

“Huh? Oh…no. I just…I just don’t want you to go is all.”

“It won’t be so long this time, Nick.”

“Yeah, um, I was thinkin’…we’re gonna be in New York for my birthday. It’s my 18th you know and uh…”

“Don’t remind me!”

“I want you to come, Ci. Can you?” He turned to her and looked her in the eyes, pleading with his gaze and his body. How could she resist?

”I’ve gotta see if I can get off work. Let me check the days of the week and all, okay?”

“Yeah…yeah…I’ll email you when we’ll be there. That’s just 2 months away.”

“Yes, it is.” Two months from eighteen. Unbelievable.

“Ladies and gentlemen we will begin boarding flight #457 for Knoxville by seating our First Class and Gold Club members. First Class and Gold Club members may now enter the gate.”

“I guess that’s you.” Nick stood and offered her his hand to help her up. Before she was even totally upright, he’d wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her hair.

He loved her hair. The smell, the way the curls tickled his nose and chin. “I’ll email you that stuff, okay?”

“Yeah…” She pulled back and looked up at him. Sweet Nicky. “Be good, huh? And Nick?”

“Yeah? No sugar free candy.”

“No. None. Never again.”

She motioned for him to come closer and whispered in his ear. “And wear a condom…every time.”

“CIARA!” He was in full blush, now pushing her toward the gate. What a brat. Could have been a sentimental moment and she goes that route. “Get. Go. Call me when you get in!”

She blew him a kiss and disappeared into the walkway. Nope never again. No sugar free candy and no 10 month breaks in between visits. And yeah, yeah, yeah…he’d wear a condom…every time. Ugh.

***

“Thanks! Have a good day!” Ciara tossed a $20 to the cabby dragging her bags behind her on the way into her apartment building. Home. Bill. How she hadn’t missed it one little bit.

Not knowing what was going to greet her, she gingerly slid her key into the slot and opened the door with caution, peeking inside before actually entering. She felt her cat wrap herself around her legs and bent down to pick her up. “Heya, Sox. Where’s Daddy?”

“Hey! Welcome home!” Bill came in from the bedroom, looking downright fabulous. His color had returned from his surgery and he was actually wearing a smile. He scooped her up in his arms, kissing her face and neck, running his hands through her hair.

“Wow! What’s the party all about?” She could barely breathe. The last thing she’d expected was a joyful welcome home.

“I missed you. Is it a problem for a husband to miss his wife?”

“No…no, not at all. I just…you never seem to be happy when I’m around. Figured you were enjoying your week off.”

“Nope. I missed you. Come on…I cooked dinner.”

He cooked dinner? No way. She followed him into the house and sure enough there sat a complete meal. Lasagna, salad, bread, even a bottle of wine. He never drank.

“Bill…this is wonderful!”

“Thank you very much.”

“Let me change clothes real quick and take my shot.”

“Okay.” While she was gone, he served up their plates and quickly tossed the salad again.

Within minutes she emerged feeling a bit more refreshed from the flight. “Take a seat.” He pulled out her chair and popped the cork to the wine. “I’ll do the dishes too. You just relax tonight, okay?”

“Yeah…sure…” She watched wordlessly as he poured her drink and took a seat across the table from her. Not knowing what else to say, she went the health route. “So, uh…how are you feeling? You healing up okay?”

“Yeah, doing good. I have an interview tomorrow.”

“Good…great.” And that ended that. No more conversation, no more intimacy. Just dinner. She was, however, able to relax, enjoying a bubble bath and turn in early relishing the feel of her own bed. When he came to bed, she stirred, suddenly needy for him. Reaching out to rub his back as he settled into bed, she could feel his muscles tighten at her touch. Damn.

“Ciara…I’m kinda tired still.”

“Yeah, yeah…me too. I just wanted a kiss goodnight.”

He rolled on his back with a sigh letting her lean over him for a kiss. Could it have been more platonic? A platonic kiss from her husband. Well, at least he’d welcomed her home.

At least he seemed happy to see her. At least he had an interview tomorrow without any coaxing from her. Things were looking up a little bit anyway.

***

“Welcome to the Michelangelo. May I help you with your bags?”

“Yes, please. In the trunk.” Ciara stepped out of the cab and looked up at the entrance to the hotel. Knoxville this wasn’t. NYC, baby. She’d never been. The cab ride from La Guardia was, um…entertaining. Fortunately, she was so wide-eyed looking up at the buildings and lights that she really didn’t realize how many risks the driver was taking.

The Empire State Building. World Trade Center towers. Once on the island, Radio City Music Hall, brownstone townhouses…she couldn’t believe she was actually here.

“Yes ma’am.” The concierge scurried to the back of the car after helping her under the canopy of the hotel’s entrance, getting her out of the snow and cold. This part of New York she could do without!

“Right this way to the elevators, ma’am.”

“Oh, but I don’t have my room yet.”

“It’s ready for you. Come with me, please.”

Oh. Okay. Someone was taking care of her? That was a shock. The fight to get here was intense. Bill was NOT happy she was flying out again to see Nick. He didn’t get it.

Frankly, Ciara didn’t completely get it either. It was like a need inside of her to be with him. Seemed unhealthy, especially for her marriage. But, she didn’t care. Bill couldn’t bother to keep the love and attention flowing for more than a day at a time. He’d been lying and unemployed at least once since she came home from Tampa. She didn’t need it.

Vacation, she needed. The unconditional love from her friend, she needed. So, here she was in the elevator of a ritzy hotel to spend a few days with Nick and celebrate his 18th birthday.

“Okay, ma’am…this is you.”

“Great, thank you.” She stepped out of the elevator realizing she had no idea where she was headed. She didn’t even have a room key. This was weird.

“Right this way.” She followed him down the halls, still gaping at the luxury of the place.

Beautiful pictures, winding hallways, intricately detailed carpeting and raised paneled wainscoting decorated their path.

The concierge finally stopped in front of a room at the end of the hallway and slid a keycard into the slot, allowing her to enter first. A suite. Damn that boy. She did NOT

need this. A simple room at a Holiday Inn would have been fine. Although…looking around, tipping the concierge, and finding nothing but ways to pamper herself changed her attitude just a hair. Coming back out of the bathroom, laughing at the bidet, her eyes landed on a large flower arrangement that didn’t quite look like it belonged.

She went over to it, breathing in the scent of the lilies and roses and read the card.

There’s a door between your back wall and your bed. Knock three times and we’ll get this party started!

She smirked at the note, sticking it back into the arrangement and peeked around her bed to see…yep. A door that blended in with the wallpaper. Had it not been pointed out, she probably would have never seen it. She took a deep breath and walked around to it, poising her hand above the white wood. Why was she afraid to knock? It was a door.

With just a friend on the other side. But yet…her heart raced and her hand shook.

Just do it, Ci. Knock. One. Two. Three.

Before her hand had moved from the final tap, the door whipped open and the bluest eyes, the biggest smile, the most open of arms swallowed her up and made her glad she came. Now THAT was a way to welcome a girl!

***

“You ready, Ci? We gotta go!” Nick tapped lightly on the connecting door and helped himself inside. Hearing a stirring in her room, she stepped out of the dressing room and screamed. Nick screamed. She was half naked. Jesus.

“NICK! Don’t you knock!?” Ducking back into the enclosed room, she yanked her blouse off of its hanger. Give me a fucking heart attack, kid.

“I’m…oh God. I’m so sorry. I did. We need to be leaving right now. I figured you’d be dressed.”

“Now? I thought you said 4:30!”

“4, Ci…we have to be the venue by 4:30. You really need to hurry. Kevin will shit a brick if I’m late.”

“Kevin can eat me. God dammit! I can’t get this thing.”

“Can, uh…can I help?” Jeez. Please say ‘no.’ Okay, please say ‘yes.’

“Well, uh…I mean, yeah, but…I still don’t have any pants on.”

“I’ll wait.” He looked at his watch again and got antsy. “No, I won’t…I’ve seen you in a bathing suit for God’s sake.” Dear God. He walked further into the room and slowly approached the dressing room. There she stood in front of a full length mirror, arms twisted around to her back trying to zip up a beautifully shimmering sky blue blouse.

And matching satin panties.

Looking at his reflection apologetically, she whined, “My fingers are for shit today and I can’t get a hold of this thing.” She was nervous and agitated and…beautiful.

“Okay, calm down. I’ll get it.” His hands actually shook as he grabbed her fingers and slowly removed them from the argument with her garment. He fought every urge inside his body to not kiss her bare back as it stared at him from beneath the silky fabric.

Gently tugging on the base of the zipper, he slid it up with ease until he reached the bottom of her hair.

“Lift your hair, Ci.”

“Oh, yeah…sorry.” She was shaking as well. Why was he being so gentle and damned slow? And he was whispering, goddammit. She thought he was in a hurry. Scooping her curls up in her hands and never removing her eyes from his reflection before her, she lifted her arms allowing him to bring the enclosure all the way up.

He couldn’t resist any longer. What the hell. With her neck still exposed , he bent down and pressed his lips on the cream colored flesh holding the kiss long enough to smell her cologne, taste her skin. He surely might pass out. She sucked in her breath upon his touch and…did he hear? My god, she moaned. Suddenly guilt-ridden and nervous, he quickly stepped away. “I’ll, uh… I’ll wait in the other room.” And he was gone. She continued looking in the mirror at the spot he’d just occupied, letting her hair fall to her shoulders. She could still feel the warmth of his lips on her neck. Breaking out of the spell he had just cast on her, she quickly found her slacks and slid them on, checking her make-up one more time before meeting him back in the bedroom. What was she going to say? Why did he do that? Why was her heart racing again? God.

She finally emerged from the room and avoided his gaze as she sat on the bed and pulled on her boots. Until she encountered another zipper. Again, her fingers failed her. Winter sucked for her joints and the cold here in New York was already stiffening them, making them weak. She looked helplessly up to him and he smiled as he knelt in front of her, took a hold of each foot and zipped up her boots. Such a simple gesture, yet somehow incredibly…no. No. Not Nick. This can NOT be happening.

“I can’t believe I can’t dress myself today.”

“Don’t worry about it. You look fabulous.”

“Thanks.” He stood back up, helping her hop off the bed. She looped an arm through his and put on her best smile, because confused as she was, she felt completely…happy.

“Okay, Mr. Backstreet Boy. I’m ready for my first REAL show.”

***

And what a show it was. She sat in the front row with Brian’s new sweetie, Leighanne and spent most of the night in awe. Their harmonies, AJ’s slithering sexuality, Nick’s flirtatious sexu-…gulp. Yep. Sexuality. Kevin’s smooth moves…choreographed only, please, Brian’s casual attitude and silky vocals and Howie’s…pure cheese. She loved it all.

Nick had made it a point to eyeball her a few times with some interesting lyrics. Made her blush. She hated to blush. But he was good. It was good. They were good. She couldn’t wait until the 28th when she could see the show again.

They had a show in Albany first and she and Leighanne stayed in the city to shop, and do some serious sightseeing. Ciara had a decent enough time, although Leigh was a bit more prissy than Ciara could tolerate. All in all, it was nice talking to someone about the guys. With Lindsey out of her life, it was truly something she had kept to herself. And now, with all the confusion running through her head, that was not going to be easy.

How was she going to talk to Deanna again and not dump this mess on her? Somehow, she’d have to. Never again would she put a friend in the line of Backstreet.

After a few drinks at the hotel bar, Leigh and Ciara clamored upstairs and headed to bed.

She’d been warned that their arrival at a hotel was rarely quiet and they’d be getting back around 3 or 4 am. Ci wanted a few winks in her before she was woken…if she was at all.

And she was. Nicely though, not with knocking and bumping around as she feared. She had just slipped back into bed after a quick bathroom trip and heard the connecting door creak open. Snuggling into the feather bed a bit further, figuring it was just a lingering dream, she was shocked when the bed dipped down as someone sat on it.

“Ci…I’m home.”

Home. She had to smile. How a hotel could be ‘home’ she’d never know, but for Nick, this was home. She rolled on her back and took hold of his hand surprised at how cold it was. “Hey…how’d the show go? Ooh…you’re cold.” She rolled all the way over to him and cupped one hand in her two, rubbing them on either side to warm him up.

“Good. Felt good. I like it better when you’re there though.”

“Tomorrow. You goin’ to bed? Gimme the other hand.”

“Yeah, I just wanted you to know I was back.” He wasn’t leaving, moving, anything.

Neither was she. The kiss from the other night was never mentioned again, nor was the path crossed again. But it was obviously on their minds. The tension in the room was palpable and somehow incredibly intoxicating.

She let go of his hands and propped up on one elbow and picked at lint on his jeans.

“You look tired.”

“Slept on the bus a bit.”

“Mmm…” Even propped up, she couldn’t keep her eyes open, yet couldn’t take them off of him when they’d flutter to a half mast. And every time she looked, he was staring at her with this non-descript look on his face. Don’t leave.

“I should…I should go to bed…” Still no movement, but for a tentative brushing of a stray curl from her face. That and the rising and falling of their chests filled with anxious breath.

“Do, uh…do you want to um…” She plopped back on the bed, sinking into the pillows.

Jesus, what am I doing? “Do you want to stay here tonight? I’m kinda used to having someone with me now.”

“Yeah, your husband, Ci…”

She closed her eyes and rolled over, turning her back to him. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.

My husband.” Bastard.

More thinking. Labored breathing. Husband or no, Nick didn’t want to leave either. “Do you want me to stay,?” Say yes.

“I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t.” She rolled towards him and took hold of his hand again. “Nick, I don’t know what’s going on here, I really don’t. But…you don’t seem to want to leave and I’d just as soon not be alone. That’s all I meant. It’s up to you.” He bit his bottom lip trying to figure out what to do. Of course he wanted to stay. Of course he shouldn’t. This was just Cici, right? That’s all…just an old friend…who was lonely. And he hated those big king sized beds too. So, yeah. Why the hell not? “Okay, let me change. I’ll be right back.”

As he disappeared into his room, she rolled back to her side wondering what the hell she’d just done. Even more so why she had just done it. Nothing could happen. Nothing at all. She didn’t even want that to happen. These feelings were all still so new to her.

Something had changed between them, there was no question. She didn’t know when, she really didn’t know what and she wasn’t sure if she liked it or not. But, somehow it made her want him nearby.

By the time he’d returned, she was sitting up in bed hugging her knees to her chest and rocking side to side trying to work all of this out. He wasn’t sure how to read her right now, so he figured he’d make extra sure. “Hey…you sure you’re okay with this?” She turned from her place of contemplation and smiled at him. Such a boy. Such a man just waiting to jump out of his skin. Sweats and an old t-shirt covered him well and she could do no more than reach out a hand for him, pulling him on the bed with her. “No.

I’m not sure. But now that you’re here, I don’t want you to leave.” They slid under the covers together and stayed completely on their far sides of the king-sized bed, back to back. With a slight movement of her foot, she brushed his calf and scooted just a tad closer to him, wanting to feel the warmth of his body without crossing that unspoken line. He reached back and rested his hand on her hip wondering if he’d relax enough to get any sleep at all, and really not caring. “’Night, Ci.”

“’Night, Nicky.”

Chapter Forty Two

Ciara’s eyes flitted open immediately squinting at the brightness in the room. Where WAS she? Oh, yes. The boat. How did these guys do it waking up somewhere new every night? It was beyond her. She rolled over and slid her arm around Nick’s waist causing him to stir and moan in his sleep.

“Hey…”

“Mmmm…hey to you.”

“Looks like a pretty day out there…it’s so bright.”

Nick stretched his legs and arms, turning around to face her. As he relaxed from the stretch, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in for a warm, soft morning kiss.

Her favorite kind. His hands slid down to her bottom and he pulled all of her in, allowing their legs to intertwine and tangle. Feeling his morning erection against her thigh, she pulled back and smiled. “You’re up early.”

“Always.”

Finding her lips again, he was more insistent in his moves wanting to feel all of her, to taste all of her, to love all of her. His hands kneaded her behind and hers traveled up to the silky spikes of blonde/brown hair that decorated his head. He began working his kisses down her neck, softly running his tongue down to her collarbone, causing her to shudder and moan. Like every morning, her joints ached, and yet, the more he touched, the more she felt the pain easing out of her body inch by inch. His touch was better than any drug.

As she felt him start to slide her nightshirt up, she grabbed at his hands and pulled back from him. “Nick…Aaron…”

“He’s forward. We’ll be quiet; he won’t hear us back here.” With clumsy form, the nightshirt finally was off and flying on the floor. Nick lowered his head and slowly licked around one nipple, lightly flicking it while rubbing the other under his thumb. To hell with Aaron. She was gone. She looked down at this man, still buried under the covers and watched as he made love to her breasts with his mouth. Soft lips covered the areola and slowly sucked the nipple until it popped out of his mouth.

Pink wet tongue circled until the lips started the motion again. He’d kiss his way to the other side completely satisfied with giving her pleasure this way, not expecting…at least for now, any of his own. Loving her this way brought him enough pleasure.

So erotic. So sensual. So quiet and peaceful.

“Gooooooooooooooooooooood morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” The door slammed open, the shout broke the lovers apart and a large, 14 yr. old body made a flying leap onto the bed between the two, thankfully covered bodies.

“Jesus Christ! AARON! Do NONE of you know how to knock?” Ciara quickly checked her body, making sure the blankets were hiding her bare breasts and tummy.

“Nope. Missed that lesson.” Aaron flopped on his side, facing Ciara, leaving Nick on his back still in shock wondering if his dick actually broke off from the jolt. Aaron was going to pay. Once that kid started bedding women, he was going to pay. Big time. “Oh God…you, um…you don’t have a top on.” And she was flushed and…oh God. He’d timed this one nicely.

“You’re a fuckin’ genius, kid,” she spouted, yanking the blankets up over her shoulders more than they already were. “Could you um…wait outside for like 30 seconds…then we’ll have a lovely morning chat.”

“Jeez, yeah. I’m sorry. I listened first and y’all were so quiet. I just thought you…um…yeah…god.” Aaron hiked himself back up and looked at his silent brother who was still sporting a semi-hard erection. “Sorry, Nick. I’ll just…I mean…”

“OUT! GET! OUT!” Nick never moved from his back, but pointed to the door showing his brother the way.

Sliding off the foot of the bed, totally humbled at his errant interruption he slinked out.

“I’m out…I’m…sorry.” He offered one last cheesy grin, closed the door behind him and slid down it’s length to the floor caught between humiliation and uncontrollable laughter. “Smooth, Aaron. Real smooth.”

Sitting up and looking around for her nightshirt, Ciara asked, “Can we throw him overboard? Think your mom will notice?”

“Yep…his paychecks are pretty big. I think she’ll miss it.”

“Nick!” Finding her top, she hopped off the bed and threw it on, fluffing her hair from the odd mess it was in from sleep.

“Sorry…aw, don’t put that back on…”

“No way, lover boy. We dump him off in a few hours. Keep it in your pants ‘til then.” Sitting up and pulling her back on the bed, he gently rubbed her thighs as they peeked out from the knit fabric. “I’d rather keep it in yours.”

“Later, Carter. Later. Let’s go fix that brat some breakfast.”

***

“Rehearse good, shithead!” Nick thwapped his brother on the behind as the younger brother made his way to his house just in time to miss a lecture from his mom.

“I will. Have fun!”

“Now that you’re out of the way, I’m plannin’ on it.” Nick shook his head and made his way back inside where Ciara had prepared a great salad with some of the produce they’d bought on the island the night before. “Damn, I thought he’d never leave.” Ciara looked up from her slicing and smiled. Truly smiled. For the first time in a long time, she felt like she was home. Brothers and sisters parading in and out of the house, domesticity in the kitchen, and no one was dying from actually eating her product. It was a great feeling, a feeling of wholeness. Something neither Ciara or Nick had felt in a long time. “You hungry?”

“Yeah, that looks great.”

“Lemme get these strawberries in and it’ll be done. Fix us some drinks, huh?”

“Yep.” He leaned in and kissed her cheek softly before grabbing a few glasses out of the cabinet. “Thanks for puttin’ up with my brother last night.”

“You kidding? I loved it. I’ve missed him so much. He’s like a new kid.”

“Changin’ all the time, that’s for sure. I can’t believe he’s headlining arenas already. I definitely want to get to a couple shows this time.”

“Yeah, I’d like to see him too. Maybe the Lakeland one anyway.”

“I might try to meet up with him for one earlier than that, though.”

“Go for it.” Satisfied with her salad, she brought the bowl to the table and stuck the tongs inside. “Lunch is served. Dig in.”

And he did. Grilled chicken, spinach leaves, mandarin oranges, strawberries, sugar coated almonds and a warm bacon dressing. Whoever told Ciara she couldn’t cook was sadly mistaken. “Ci…this is great!”

“Thanks. Dee’s trying to teach me to cook a bit.”

“She needs to teach me then, too. I’m deadly.”

“Yeah, well…so am I. I should probably try to get with her my next stretch. She probably thinks I’ve dropped off the planet.”

“I keep kidnapping you, don’t I?”

“Either that or I sleep through it. I’ve got some doctor’s appointments next time again, so I’ll see her.”

They finished their meal and started cleaning up, both satisfied in just being together.

No schedules or fans like on the cruise, no health crises looming overhead like the previous time. Just Cici and Nick. Domestic bliss? Yeah, what the hell.

“Can we try the boat again? Just you and me this time?”

“I was hoping you’d ask that, yeah. I loved sleeping there last night. So damned peaceful.”

“I swear I could live on that thing.”

“Mmm…short term, yeah. I like my terra firma too.” Slamming the dishwasher closed, she pulled the towel from her shoulder and slowly swirled it around into a whip, like Nick and Aaron had done the night before. He was weaponless and saw what she was doing, the look of evil intent in her eye.

“You wouldn’t…” He started backing out of the kitchen, bumping into the table and chairs and redirecting his path out.

“….wouldn’t what?” She pulled the towel taut and teased at him with it, never letting go, continuing to back him out of the room. Finally, he got to the hall and turned around, running into the master suite as she popped him in the behind repeatedly, running after him. He jumped on the bed, grabbing a pillow to use as a shield against her assault.

“Aw, man…you’re no fun anymore.” She grew frustrated that he blocked every strike she made. What fun was it beating on a pillow?

“I’m not, huh?” Smack, block. Smack, block.

Finally, he tossed the pillow aside and before she knew what happened, grabbed the towel and brought it up and around the back of her neck pulling her to him on the bed.

He bore his eyes in hers amazed at how bright green they could be with the sun shining in the room behind him. “I think we have some unfinished business from this morning.”

“Mmmm…yeah,” He pulled her in closer, as she walked toward him on her knees, wobbling the mattress and almost knocking them off balance. “I think we do.” She took hold of his face and gently brushed his cheeks with her thumbs before bringing his lips down to hers.

“You taste like strawberries.” Kiss.

“So do you.” Kiss.

“Sweet.” Kiss. “And fresh.” French kiss. “And soft…like you.” He tossed the towel aside replacing it with his hands, sliding them under her hair and gently pulling her in for more slow, soft, gentle kisses that worked their way along her jaw line, down her neck and back up again.

Ciara grabbed his behind and pulled him closer still, feeling his erection against her thigh, just as she had earlier that morning. “I see you’re still up for uh…something.”

“Just for you…just for you.” They found the hems of each other’s shirts at the same time and simultaneously brought them up stopping when their arms would get tangled. He let go, smiling at her beauty. “You first.”

She swiftly pulled his shirt over his head and hers immediately followed, bra falling to the ground soon after. She pulled him in for a hug, just enjoying his warm, soft skin on hers, while he groaned as her taut nipples brushed against his chest. She slid her hands beneath the waist band of his sweats, squeezing his behind again and running her hands down further to massage his thighs.

His hands caressed her arms and shoulders, pulling her back and falling to her breasts as his eyes lived in hers. No kisses now. Just look and touch. Sound and sensation. She brought her hands back to the waistband of his sweats, lowering them with his boxers until they could go no further.

“Come ‘ere.” He backed off the bed letting them slide down his legs and pulled her to stand on the floor with him.

With her own version of a “Carter smirk”, she kissed her way down his chest, to his stomach and down until she was on her knees, helping him kick off his pants. She slid her hands up his legs, tickling at the tattoos on each calf, kneading and kissing his thighs and working her way to…he gasped as her hair slightly brushed his hard-on. Running his fingers through her hair, he tried to gently guide her mouth to him.

Mumbling into his skin as she kissed and licked her way over, “Patience, my dear…patience.”

Nick chuckled and just watched as she finally made her way to where they both wanted her to be. She looked up at him one more time and then tenderly licked the purple head of his swollen member, and kissed it, causing him to moan at the sight and feel of her touch. Circling her tongue around his head, she continued massaging his thighs and ass and finally, opened her lips to take the whole length of him in.

“Oh God, Ci……” He pulled at her hair, trying to not let his knees buckle as his head hit the back of her throat. As she pulled back with each stroke, she made a point to bring her tongue firmly back up across the vein and then slowly take him all in again. She loved this. To her the most intimate thing she could do to him. His musky scent, his salty taste, the sounds he made as she sucked and licked him drove her crazy, making her quicken her motions.

She moaned against him, feeling his hands in her hair knowing he was close. She wanted to please him this way, but she wanted him inside her as well. “Ci…I’m gonna…I want you…Ci….” He found some sense inside him and touched her face causing her to pull back and look up, sensually licking her lips. “Jesus…I want to be…Ciara….” He pulled her to standing and slowly lowered her on the bed. “Let me make love to you.” Let him? Let him? She laid back on the bed, arching her body toward him at just those words. Five words. Five little words and she thought she’d lose it right there. He quickly slipped her pants down her legs, letting her use her feet to get them off completely. And then, starting at her stomach, he kissed his way up her body, crawling on top of her, his penis brushing against her thigh when his lips reached her left breast and hand reached her right.

She spread her legs for him, eyes begging for him to fill her, hand going to his face brushing the bangs from his brow, feeling the soft skin of his cheeks. “Now, Nick…now.” Now was good. Bracing himself up on one hand, he too brought fingers to her face as she entered her, holding her gaze, never wanting to lose sight of her eyes or the longing in them. No one wanted him like she did. No one wanted her like he did. Ever. No one. It still amazed them both.

Their private dance began. Too much sensation at once. The taste of him in her mouth, the sight of him giving and receiving such pleasure, the sounds they made together, the feeling of skin to skin, mouth to mouth, body to body, and even the scents that were only present between the two of them. Unique to Nick and Ciara. Shared by no one. Only for him. Only for her.

And in that intimacy, they found their release, both quiet this time, as they feared they needed to be this morning. But this afternoon, it was as though they wanted to focus on the other four senses and leave the sounds to soft, gentle tones that lulled them to their finish. With her legs still wrapped around him, he fell to her side and they stayed there for God knows how long listening to one another breathe, fingers playing in one another’s hair, kisses dotting each other’s face, head and chest.

Let me make love to you. Yes, Nick. Yes.

***

Somehow they gathered enough belongings together to make it to the boat for another night out. Back to Key West, only this time they hit a few clubs they couldn’t with Aaron in tow. They drove the boat to the same island as the night before and found the same slip empty with no one around. Perfect.

The late night and early morning were spent christening every room and area on the boat, making love in the galley on the floor, on the couch in the parlor…which was STILL damp from the water battle 24 hours before…and finally ending their evening in the aft suite. Morning was equally wonderful and this time? No interrupting brothers.

Only the sounds of the water lapping against the boat and as always, the sounds of their love being shared. Musical. Magical.

Ciara kissed Nick’s sweaty brow and slowly climbed off his lap from their morning romp, pulling him into the shower. “I can’t move. You’ve killed me.”

“Come on, lazy ass. If I can move, you surely can.” And he did. Just a shower this time. Well, a shower and making out. He couldn’t keep his mouth from hers. So soft, so yummy, so talented. The things she could do to him with just a simple kiss.

They went back to Marathon and even spent one more day with his family, keeping a friendly distance to help his mom swallow the truth of them being a couple.

Unfortunately, she was the queen of passive aggression and her underhanded comments did not go unnoticed. He’d deal with her, but not now. Despite Mom’s worst efforts, he’d had a wonderful week with Ciara. Minus the night from hell courtesy of “Jane”, she had been more relaxed than he’d ever seen her. She felt great…for her, and neither of them wanted to leave.

But it was time. Back to work for her. Back to…what…for him? A few conference calls with management, recording meetings in a few weeks. But now? Nothing. He was bored.

He partied too hard when he was bored. He didn’t really want to do that. He felt better sober. He felt better with Ci.

She had to work her stretch over his birthday and this displeased them both. Typically, they kept to their own homes while she worked, her too tired to give much more and he too unable to sleep her odd hours. But for that night, he’d be at her house, waiting for her to come home.

And she was relieved he was there. And sober. She knew he had plans that night, but obviously he’d taken them down a notch so he could be 100% for her. She dumped her keys on the end table by the door, followed by her work bag on the floor. Crappy night at work. Pukey kids. January sucked.

He had been sleeping for a few hours when she came in, but stirred hearing the garage door close. He slid on his sweats and stumbled into the living room to greet her. She wanted to fix him breakfast. It might do him well to actually be awake.

“Hey.”

“Hey, birthday boy. Corn pops or waffles?”

Chapter Forty Three

Nick looked at her and smiled at the choices for his birthday breakfast, rubbing his hair and scratching his tummy. Covered with sheet wrinkles and rumpled clothes, he stumbled up to her bed, and finally sat down. He was dogged tired. Sometime in the night, he’d snuck back to his room, feeling incredibly guilty and almost uncontrollably tempted. It would be best if he stayed in his own room. So, while she slept, he’d slid out of bed with her and went to his own room. Huge bed. Lonely bed. But at least he slept.

Guilt free.

And she didn’t ask. She didn’t even act like he’d ever been there from the beginning.

Respect for him or denial of what did happen? He didn’t know. Right now he didn’t care.

He was starving and she was holding the room service menu waiting to call it in.

“Um, waffles. What’re you having?”

“Eggs, bacon, bacon and uh…bacon. Want that instead?”

“Whatever. Just no cereal. I’m not gonna have time to eat today ‘til show time I don’t think.”

“Deal.” She ordered their breakfast watching Nick scratch and stretch and sniffle. He was worse than her cat. Much prettier too. “Thanks so much.” She hung up the phone and hiked up onto the bed next to the sleepy boy. Boy. Boy. Boy. It was a mantra in her head trying to convince her and only her. It failed. Every time.

“So, Birthday Boy…what’s on your agenda today.”

“MTV. TRL. All of it.”

“Ah, promo time. Kinda fun.”

“Eh, yeah, it’ll be okay. I’d rather sleep.”

“You don’t wanna sleep your birthday away!”

“No, I’ll party tonight. Today I wanna sleep.” He threw himself back on her pillows and curled up under the blankets.

“You’re pathetic. You sleep. I’m gonna hop in the shower before the food gets here. Will you hear the door?”

“Yep. Don’t come out so damned perky.”

She disappeared into the bathroom, still not used to it’s size and luxury. Also not used to all the damned mirrors and glass shower doors. Way too much information on herself.

Yuck. She turned away from her reflection and started the water, letting it run over her fingers as it warmed up. Opening the spray, she stepped into it, hoping the rush of the water would wash away all of the confusion inside her.

There was the general feeling of nervousness that preceded this trip and followed her here. He’d provided her this beautiful suite, connected to his room. He wouldn’t let her pay a penny for it. His treat. Too much. Then, that kiss. Okay, just a soft kiss on her neck.

But she’d seen his face in the mirror, she saw the whole thing unfold. Platonic it was not.

Minus a few check-list-quality sex sessions with Bill, no one had looked at her that way in a long time. And truthfully, even in the midst of “passion”…what a joke…he never did then either.

Then the show. Certain lyrics were sung directly to her. Every girl thought it, she knew it.

Sexual lyrics. Relationship lyrics. “You keep on doing all the things I like…”, “Am I sexual?”, “I need you tonight…it don’t matter if it’s wrong or right,” “I don’t care what is written in your history, as long as you’re here with me,” “I don’t know what he does to make you cry, but I’ll be there to make you smile…” On and on it went and she loved it.

And she shouldn’t have.

Finally, last night when he got back from Albany. She didn’t want him to leave. What was up with that? There was no way she wanted Nick sexually…but yet. But yet…something was drawing her to him and it was obvious something was drawing him to her. And she liked it. She was so lonely. Nick had always been a place of comfort and peace from the moment her eyes landed in his over 5 years ago. Was that the attraction now? He loved her in his own way, unconditionally. She didn’t need to be anyone other than Ciara for his feelings for her to shine. For her feelings for him to shine.

Problem now was, those feelings were getting very complicated and confusing. She peeked through the shower door to the mirror, surprised at seeing her hair in suds and her body covered in soap. When had she washed? This was all too much. Stepping completely under the spray, she quickly rinsed and hoped that the day apart would clarify their minds. They were separating tomorrow. Back to Bill, back to the stage.

Whatever was happening had to end tomorrow. It had to.

She wrapped the hotel robe around her, picked out her hair and took her shot. A quick touch of gel on the ends of her curls and she stepped into the dressing room where he’d kissed her two days before. She still couldn’t walk past the mirror without slowing, without the spot on her neck heating up at the memory. Damn him. Damn him for taking what was an innocent, lovely friendship and complicating it.

Peeking into the bedroom, she wanted to be angry at him. That would be the best route, it truly would. Close off, shut down, be polite, wish him a happy birthday and go home.

But, when she got there, she saw him still curled up in her bed, wrapped around her pillow. His long hair was splayed across his own pillow, and she noticed for the first time how long his eyelashes were. How beautiful his eyes could be even when closed. He breathed softly, slowly, obviously deep into sleep. His freckles of years before were gone now, replaced by slight acne dotting his jaw line, chin and forehead. Damn him…for growing up and never changing. Always changing.

“Room service!”

Finally. “Coming!” She slid off the bed and re-wrapped the robe around her before answering the door. Holding a finger to her lips, signaling a sleeping companion, she welcomed the bellboy in, tipped him well and closed the door behind him. Now, to wake Sleeping Beauty.

One more tightening of her robe to her naked body, she walked around to “Nick’s” side of the bed, brushing back stray hair that had fallen onto his face. So silky and soft. Just like his skin. She took a deep breath and bent down, pressing her lips to his cheek.

Whispering in his ear, “Rise and shine. Breakfast is here.” He moaned in his sleep, turning to the voice and haphazardly reaching up to it.

“Mmmkay…” His hand brushed her lips and she grabbed it and kissed his fingers.

Without thinking, without…without thinking. His eyes popped open and he jerked his hand away just as much against his will as leaving last night was. “Ciara…”

“Happy Birthday. Breakfast is here.”

He sat up, running a hand through his hair, chuckling at the disarray it had to be in. “I didn’t think I’d fall asleep again.”

“Yeah, it’s still early for you. You should have gone back to bed, hon.”

“Nah. I need to get moving. We’ve got to be there at noon.” She set up their meal in the living room and they ate in virtual silence, Nick still too groggy to think straight. Ciara still too confused to think straight.

“Will I just meet you at the venue?”

“Probably, yeah…is that okay?” Is she naked under that thing? No way. She’s trying to kill me.

“Sure, I’ll take a van in with Leigh…not a problem.” He’s lookin’ inside the robe. Tighten it up, Missy.

“You guys getting along okay? She uh…doesn’t seem your type.” Damn.

“Well, I wouldn’t marry her, no.”

He tossed a strawberry stem at her, missing when she ducked to the left. “You’re cleaning that up, weinie. My room. Can’t trash it.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He sighed looking down at his plate. Empty. Now what? “So, um…I need to go shower and stuff. You okay alone?”

“Nick…yes. I can entertain myself, really. Go, do your MTV thing and I’ll see you tonight.”

“Yeah. Right. Okay. I, um…” Sighing yet again, he got up and went over to pick up his escaped stem. Tossing it on her tray, he bent down and kissed the top of her head. “I’ll see you at the show then. Thanks for breakfast.”

“Thanks for the company.” Damn him. Damn him all to hell.

***

“Ready to go again?” Leighanne took her seat next to Ciara for the final show in New York. The luxury and first class treatment Ciara could handle. The shows she could handle. The non-stop schedule these boys maintained? No way. She had no idea how after the day they supposedly had at MTV, they’d be able to perform at 100% tonight.

“Yep. Wish this wasn’t my last one. They’re fun to watch.”

“Maybe when we get back into the states this summer you can come back, huh?”

“Maybe…I’ll just enjoy tonight for now.”

As if on cue, the lights went out and the screams began. Glow sticks swirled and the energy in the room rose to unstoppable levels. Their vocal countdown began and smoke filled the stage. Front row or not Ciara couldn’t help but get on her feet with everyone else. Her mind flashed back to the Sea World show and their sweetness, clumsiness, yet the strong, strong potential for bigger and better things. Now, they were a well-oiled machine. Still more potential. Nick was still clumsy sometimes. Howie’s vocals needed some work. Kevin should NOT free-style dance, but yet. They were here. They’d arrived.

The show was just like 2 nights ago. Probably like every night. With one addition. The entire crowd stopped to sing “Happy birthday” to Nick. He turned 15 shades of red. AJ

asked him if his wish had come true yet, seeing as how he’d already had 3 birthday cakes.

“Nope.” His eyes landed on the auburn hair and shining green eyes in the front row.

“Not yet.”

Ciara couldn’t help but smile back. She was his wish? Didn’t he know he always had her?

No matter what, she was going to be there. Before losing eye contact, she blew him a kiss and mouthed, “Happy Birthday, Nicky.” A sixteenth shade of red rushed over his face and it was time to move on with the show.

In what felt like one more flash of pyro, the show was over and Ciara was being escorted backstage. After the guys showered, everyone was whisked off to the hotel for a change and to end up in a reserved conference room for Nick’s party.

Nick, learning from his mistake a few nights ago, knocked loudly at their connecting door, “Ci! You decent?”

“Yep…come on in!”

He still entered cautiously, not really wanting a repeat of Ciara in bra and panties. Well, he’d like that, but…no. Not seeing or hearing anything, he called out again. “Where are you, girl?”

“In here…come on back.”

He walked through the room, amazed it still looked like it did the moment she checked in. Picked up, clean, no clothes, food or games strewn anywhere. He typically trashed a room in the first hour and never saw one clean again until he hit a new hotel. He found her leaning over the bathroom vanity, applying eye liner. She never looked away from her “work” but offered a quiet “hello” when she heard his footsteps.

“Hey…almost ready?”

“Yep. Just gotta get beautimous again. I sweat off everything at the show.” He leaned up against the door frame and watched her finish her make-up routine, never quite understanding the need for it. She wore little, which he liked. In fact, quite often, she wore none. But, he supposed for special occasions a little extra color wasn’t so bad.

She looked fabulous either way to him.

“Okay, I think that’s all the damage I can do. You read-…oh my God, Nick…” She’d plopped her blusher brush on the sink and finally looked away from her reflection to her friend still leaning at the door frame, hands in pockets, one leg crossed over the other.

“What?”

“You…you look…” She shook her head and smiled…a shy sort of smile. “You look fantastic.” And he did. Black dress pants tailored just for him anchored the casual nature of the outfit. For color, he wore an olive green turtle neck sweater. Being Florida kids, she rarely saw him dress for warm weather and she realized what a pity it was. It, too fit him perfectly and the green hugging his neck set off the cool tones in his eyes. As an extra accent, he wore a black leather jacket…similar in style to a suit coat. Only leather.

Stunning. Mature. But the best part? The most shocking? Glasses. Wire-rimmed glasses.

Aged him at least 5 years. She’d never seen him wear glasses, obviously just an accessory and a very wise one at that. His hair was slicked back and he looked…she lost the ability to find any new adjectives. She couldn’t breathe.

“Thanks. Gotta love free clothes.”

“Well, you look like a million bucks. Come on, let’s bring this birthday in right.”

***

They say there “ain’t no party like a Backstreet party” and they’re not kidding. Laws were pushed aside as alcohol flowed freely, even for the two under-agers. And it was okay, really. None of them were new to it and fortunately none of them got ugly drunk either. But, it did lower their inhibitions a bit…if they ever had any of those to begin with.

A fourth cake was rolled out for Nick and he didn’t disappoint with his traditional finger-in-the-icing-before-anyone-got-a-picture trick. Instead of licking it off for his own pleasure, he wiped it on the tip of Ciara’s nose, laughing as their photographer took her picture. Reaching for a napkin, she was startled when he leaned in and quickly licked it off. “You got sumthin’ on your nose.”

“Your tongue.”

He simply winked at her, licking his fingers from the left-over frosting and finding the knife to cut the cake. “Can you have any?”

“Yeah, I can have a bite or two…thanks.” She wiped the rest of the icing off her nose and helped him pass out cake to everyone there. Tour managers, a few select roadies, traveling companions and of course, the other 4 guys stopped dancing and goofing long enough to eat. It was a wonderful evening.

She didn’t know if was exhaustion, alcohol or just a final attempt at figuring things out, but by night’s end, Ciara found herself sitting in a corner with Nick…on his lap. They were having one of their talks. Just friends. Crap stories about Bill told in such a way that they were funny. Tales of patients and parents in the lower income community where her hospital served. Comical descriptions of fan behavior or great pranks Nick had pulled on the guys while on the road. If he could have asked for one thing for his birthday, this would have been it. Well, that and…

As their conversation and the party died down, she laid her head on his shoulder. So comfortable. None of that tension they’d been feeling earlier. Either it was gone or they were getting used to it. Either way, both were happy for the reprieve. Tension with Nick and Cici should not be.

They sat saying nothing now, her picking at the fabric of his sweater and he simply holding onto her legs resting his head on hers and rocking lightly. They left this cocoon tomorrow. Seemed like they were always separating and leaving someplace. As much as he loved his life now, the road, the stage, the travel, he longed for a day when he could stay put. But he knew he had years ahead of him until that would happen. And really, it wasn’t all bad. Just the good-byes. Hated those.

“So, you only turn eighteen once. Did you get everything you wanted?”

“Um…almost yeah.”

“Almost?” She lifted her head from his shoulder taken back yet again with how stunning he looked. Those glasses were about to put her under the table. “Something you can’t get or just don’t have yet?”

He looked at her thoughtfully, trying to muster up the courage to ask for what he really wanted before this night ended. It wasn’t much, really…but he didn’t know if it was appropriate. But God he wanted it. And now looked like just as good a time as any to see if he could actually get it.

“I’m afraid it might be both.”

“Hmmm…that’s no fun. What’re you gonna do about it?” She knew. She knew what he wanted and the truth was, she wanted it too. Fuck Bill. She wasn’t going to sleep with the kid, but her curiosity blended with the way he was looking at her, mixed in with one too many rum and cokes, led her to the point of no return. Hell, it’d probably be like kissing her brother anyway. Truth was, he feared the same. Nevertheless, her eyes gave him the permission he’d been longing for.

“I’m gonna go for it anyway,” he whispered as his hand slid up from her legs, over her arm, shoulder and finally cupped her face, thumb brushing her cheek softly. His eyes never left hers, afraid if he looked away he’d wake up from this moment and he surely was not ready to do that. Finally, the corners of his lips curled in a slight smile and he inched in closer to her, feeling her shallow breath on his face. Intoxicating.

Before the final inch was sealed, she too brought a hand up to his face, wanting to let him know she was in this as much as he was. Together they made the last move, lips touching trembling lips. Soft. Moist. With a slight separation, they kissed again, her lips giving way just enough for his tongue to lightly enter her mouth. Her hand made its way into his silky hair, now fallen from it’s slicked back style from earlier in the evening.

Their tongues prodded and caressed, rough on smooth, smooth on rough, pulling back to lightly stroke a bottom lip and then going back again for more of the same. This was NOTHING like kissing a sibling. This was more than either ever imagined it to be.

Sensual. Loving. Passionate. Romantic. Spiritual.

And as that realization hit Ciara, she pulled back, looked at him sadly and ran out of the room. What the hell had she just done? What the hell had HE just done? He’d been toying with her loneliness all week, playing with her senses, teasing her at every weak point. Too bad every corner of her heart was weak right now. How dare he do that? How dare he risk their friendship by pushing it to that limit, by letting her think it was okay too?

“Hey, man…where’d Cici just go? I ‘bout plowed into her out there.”

“I have no idea, AJ. Is she okay?”

“She was crying. Ran right past me. What happened?”

Nick said nothing except to thank AJ for the information. He walked the path she had taken out of the room, hoping to find her. He couldn’t let it end like this. He didn’t mean…he just wanted…he had to find her. He had to have her back.

Chapter Forty Four

“Ciara! Baby…where are you?”

Having flashbacks of the scene weeks ago when he wandered through her home and couldn’t find her, his heart raced, afraid of a repeat performance.

“Ciara!” The house looked more lived in than last time and he sighed in relief when he found her bed empty, made and the light to the bathroom off. But where was she?

Almost tripping over her cat, he finally bent down and scooped up the black fur ball.

Stupid thing loved Nick, was always curling up around his ankles and nuzzling in his neck when he’d sit with Ci on the couch watching TV. “Hey, Lexie…where’s Mommy, huh? Did she disappear?”

Lex purred as he rubbed behind her ears, still wondering through the guest room and office, not finding her there or hearing a reply. Feeling the cat tense to get down, he opened his arms as she plopped to the floor and disappeared downstairs. Following her downstairs, he turned down the hall in time to see Lex’s tail slide into her flap on the mudroom door at the back of the house. Nick forgot about this room since Ciara had some odd neighbors to the back and they avoided going in and out that way. This time, he followed the feline down the hall and opened the door.

And smacked his hand to his mouth trying not to laugh out loud at the site before him.

All he could see was a pair of legs, starting at mighty fine ass down to dangling feet, hanging from the washing machine, as her head dipped into the well of the washer, apparently digging out laundry far too far out of her reach.

He calmed his hidden giggling down and was relieved she was still oblivious to his presence. She’d even spoken to the cat when she came in to use the liter box. So, he took full advantage. Sneaking up on her, he brought his hand back and smacked her ass. How dare it hang there and tease him like that?

“AIGH! Holy!” She hopped down from her perch on the rim of the machine and landed firmly on his toes.

“Ouch! Shit! Ciara!”

“What! My God, don’t you announce your presence anymore?” He had to laugh. Her hair was going every which way from hanging almost upside down in the washer and she was flailing dripping wet scrubs in her hands. “I’ve been calling you all through the house, woman. You really, uh…throw yourself into your laundry.” She stood staring at him, blowing a disobedient curl out of her face wondering what in the sam hill was so funny. “What!?”

“You’re beautiful, that’s what. Gimme those.” He took the damp clothes from her hands and tossed them into the dryer, peeking into the washer for any more. Seeing it empty, he slammed it closed.

“Wait, wait…dryer sheet. Gotta have soft uniforms.”

“Of course.”

She hiked up on her tiptoes to grab the box and was stopped in her tracks when his body pressed into hers, his hand brushed her hair aside and his lips gently sucked on her neck.

His hand found hers on the box and he mumbled into her skin, “I got it.”

“Mmm…yes you do.” She lowered off her toes and let him step back, tossing the sheet in the door.

“You’d better start it. You’ll have Dr. Barbie clothes if I mess with it.”

“Now that would suck.” She set the dryer and escorted him out of the room. “You know, you should learn to do laundry though, Nick. I mean really. 22 years old and you can’t wash your own blue jeans?”

“I CAN…I just…I’d rather pay someone.”

“Lazy ass.”

“You like my lazy ass.”

She reached around him, squeezing his…lazy ass and kissed his chest. “Yes, that I do.

So…I got a phone call today.”

“Yeah? From?” He plopped down on her bed watching her fold another load of clothes, dipping his hand in to help now and again.

“My sister. Seems I’ve become somewhat valuable now that she’s getting itchy to go on a vacation.”

“How’s that? God, how do you fold a bra?”

“You give it to me…” She snatched it from his hand and shook her head. 3 sisters and he can’t fold a bra. Nice work, Jane. “You…match sox.”

“K, that I can do. So, what’s up with sister dear?”

“Her and hubby wanna go on a cruise…to Alaska no less. Anyway, they asked if I’d take the kids for the week.”

“Woah! A week? You think you can handle that?”

“Well, yeah…I’m not real thrilled with spending a week off with them 24/7 though, but uh…yeah, I can manage, dear.”

“I didn’t mean…of course you can. Where’s this green one? He’s lonely.” Nick started snooping through the basket and on the floor for the escaped sock.

“Hozone. Just toss it over there on my pile.”

“Hozone?” He looked to where she was pointing and his eyes bugged out. “Good God….are all of those lost sox?”

“Yep. Lost in the hozone. You know, the land of lost hose. Someday I’ll sit down and probably find matches to every one of ‘em…in the pile.”

“Probably. So, when is the cruise?”

“Yep…um, next week? Yeah…I’ll have to rearrange my schedule at the end or something.

I’m supposed to work.”

“Could I help?” He matched another pair of sox and bopped her on the nose before tossing them aside. “God, you wear a lot of sox.” He pulled out a t-shirt and almost died.

How old was this thing? And how did she get it?

“You want to?”

“Sure. If I’m home…we’ve got some meetings scheduled here soon.”

“Okay, well…” She put down the shirt she was folding and looked at him. “Are you sure, Nick? I mean, they’re young…2 and 5. It’s not gonna be easy.”

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’ll help. And I have to ask you something.”

“Okay.”

He lifted up the t-shirt. An old one of his. One he’d seen her wear years ago. He never knew how she got it then, and wondered even more now, knowing she still had it.

“Where did you get this?”

Her face reddened and she looked down, trying to dig for some magical answer in the laundry basket. “Um, well…I got it a few years ago.”

“Yeah, I know. I remember seeing you in it back…god…a long time ago.”

“Well, um…you see…”

“Yesssssssssss……”

“AJ would kinda ransack your room for me.”

“What!?”

“Well…you see, I missed you and um, AJ and I, well…we kept in touch too.”

“You did? How come I never knew this?”

“It was our little secret.”

“But AJ can’t keep a secret for shit.”

“He kept this one. He understood, I guess. He’d used leave one of his t-shirt’s at home with his mom and she’d wear it to bed…kinda connected them. So, he’d ransack your shirts on tours now and again and send me one or two. They’re old and beat up as hell now, but I still wear ‘em to clean…or sleep in or whatever.”

“You’ve always done this?”

“Yep…from when you first started traveling. AJ snuck me his number once…always looking for the girl, you know.”

“Of course…”

“And one night I was bored and called him. So, that started it all. We just kept it under wraps. He kept me going when everything was so crazy these last few years.”

“I had no idea…where was I?”

“No one knew. We didn’t act it whenever I was with all of you. He was afraid you’d be jealous.”

“Jealous? Well, I probably would have been, now that you mention it.”

“Yep, soooo…the secret’s out. You have no idea how much he helped me. The t-shirts just kinda started it all.”

“So, if you guys were close, did you know about the rehab and all of that?”

“Nick, I knew nothing. I was heart sick. Totally heart sick. And really, we’ve not talked much since then. We didn’t do real good with communicating last tour either.”

“I still feel like shit about that.”

“Don’t. I mean, well…we screwed up. But now, I guess it’s unimportant.”

“True…this is too cool.” He held the shirt up again, looking at it’s faded design. “You know what’s weird?” He put the shirt down and pulled out a pair of white hose. “Besides these.”

“Gimme dat. Work hose. What’s weird?” ”I never noticed any of these were gone until I’d see you with one of ‘em on. I just figured…hell, I don’t know what I thought.” He leaned across the basket and softly kissed her lips. “Thank you. I love it.”

“You’re welcome. Now I can just ransack your clothes myself.”

“True. I’ve got enough t-shirts to clothe a small country. Seems every city I went into they were giving me shirts. Ugly assed things and t’s.”

“Yeah…you know those ugly ones were a joke, don’t you?”

“Yep. That’s why I wore ‘em!” He beamed with pride on that one. Operation Fugly Shirt.

Cracked him up, so he figured he’d play along. Never one to give much of a flip about how he looked, it worked perfectly. Put Kevin in a tail spin about image and fed into the fan’s game. Why the hell not?

“You’re incorrigible.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment. Jesus…another bra. You’re the underwear queen.”

“I like my skivvies. Are we almost done? There’s no bottom to this thing.”

“Here…last one.” He tossed the shirt to her and threw himself back on the bed. “That’s enough laundry for me. I’m ready for a nap.”

“Aw…poor baby. You’re so over worked.” She quickly collected the clothes off the bed putting them in the appropriate drawers and crawled onto the bed next to him. Within minutes he was asleep. Having way too much energy to lay that still, she slid out of his warm arms and busied herself cleaning.

He never moved. This really was unusual. Sleeping an afternoon away during tour was expected, but now? No. Something was up. After she was done with the bathroom, she walked over to him, and brushed his bangs off his forehead. Woah…

“Nick…honey.”

“Mmmm…yeah?” He turned his head looking up at her with dark, sallow eyes.

“You feel okay? You’re awful warm.”

“Umm…I dunno…” He rolled away from her, curling further into her pillows. “I’m cold.”

“Yep…honey, you’ve got a fever. Does anything hurt?”

Nothing. He was snoozing again. With a sigh of pity and frustration, she pulled a blanket from her closet and tossed it over him figuring there wasn’t much she could do for him at this point.

A few hours later, she checked in on him and he was still asleep, but much less peacefully so. “Honey…come on. You need to get up.”

“I’m so cold…damn, my throat hurts.”

“Yeah? Anything else hurt?”

He finally shifted himself to sitting, rubbing his eyes and head, squinting at the light coming in the window. “Just about everything. When the hell did this happen?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes it hits like a brick.”

“I think my head was.” He brought his knees up, resting his elbows on them, holding up his head.

“C’mere…lemme look at your throat.” She found her work bag and dug out a pen light.

“Say ‘ahhh’.”

“Aaaaaahhhhhhh.” Wasn’t playing doctor supposed to be fun? He was not having any fun.

“Nope, no white stuff…just red and puffy.”

“Meaning?”

“Not strep…probably the flu, a lousy cold…viral crud.”

“Mmmm…I hate being sick. I’m a wimp.”

“You used to work sick all the time.”

“Now I don’t have to. You can pamper me.” He flashed the most pathetic cheesy grin and fell back on the pillows again. “Okay. That was enough fun. I’m goin’ back to sleep.”

“Get up, Nick. You need food and fluids.” She pulled him back up, groaning at the effort.

“You’re going to be a major pain in my ass, aren’t you?”

“I try.”

Shaking her head, she leaned in and kissed his head again. Not scorching hot, but warm enough to be sick. Poor thing. Poor Ciara.

***

The only blessing to Nick being sick was he was in bed waiting for her when she got home from work. She could definitely get used to that. The negatives? Because of her illnesses and mostly because of the medicines she had to take for them, she was prone to illness as well. Somehow she rarely if ever caught anything from her patients. But in her home? In her bed? Move over, Nick. You have a roomy.

It was day three of their shared illness. He was on the upswing and she was just sick of it all. Sitting up to sleep, laying down, in the covers, out of the covers, dishes piling up and no one having any strength to do anything about it. The cat was probably shitting all over the place. Her blood sugar was so out of whack she was guessing hourly as to what to do. Eat? Take a shot? Sleep? Run around the block? Ugh.

Waking up from her third nap of the day, she heard water running the kitchen and found her infirmary partner gone. She summoned up enough strength to pull herself out of bed and pad her way to join him. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Dishes. We’ve been pigs this week.”

“Yeah, well…how you feeling?”

“A lot better. I need to head home for a bit. Get some paper work, check messages, that kind of thing.”

“Okay. I need to call in again. I’m just gonna bag this whole week.”

“Might as well. You gonna be okay for your sister’s kids?”

“Yeah, but I called mom while you slept yesterday. She’ll take the baby. I’ll just have Nathanael.”

“That’ll be easier anyway.”

“Yeah, probably. Did you ever see if that’d work for you to finish out the week with him?”

“Nope. You went to get my clothes. Haven’t been home to check my planner.”

“Make sure you do. If not, we’ll have to work something else out because Mom doesn’t want them both for some reason.” She had had enough standing already and slunk into a kitchen chair holding her head up with her hand. “I’m sick.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” He flipped a puff of suds towards her almost hitting her but falling on the floor for the cat to bat at until it mysteriously disappeared.

“I wanna feel better. You’ve been here all week and I’ve not even enjoyed it.” She was downright pouting. It was pitiful.

He let the water out of the sink, dried his hands off and pulled up a chair next to her.

“You still have a fever, Ci. Maybe you need to be seen.”

“Yeah, I’ve probably got another damned ear infection. I’ll just take some stuff I’ve got here.”

“Okay…you just seem worse than I was is all.”

She looked up to him from her gaze at the wood grain of her table and smiled. “It’s my life. Nothing is simple.”

“I’m sorry.” He brushed her curls back and softly kissed her lips. “Let’s get you back in bed, huh?”

“Okay.”

He took hold of her arm and they silently walked back upstairs to her room. The bed hadn’t been made in days either, so he fluffed her pillows for her before letting her lay down. Tucking her in, he kissed her on the head and made his way out. Being sick sucked. Being sick with Ciara was tolerable. He just didn’t like that it took more out of her than it should. He’d never seen anyone sleep as much as she had. He wanted her well…or at least Ciara’s version of well.

***

And it did eventually come. One night before the niece and nephew were to arrive, she went to work. It sustained her. She was crazy without work. Knowing she’d have another week off with the kidlet, she had to get a night in. She missed her patients. Missed her routine.

She was surprised to see Nick’s truck in her garage when she pulled in from her night at work. Figured he’d seen enough of her place over the course of the week that he’d disappear for a night or two. Gathering her belongings, she made her way in, realizing he must be asleep in her bed. The house was dark and quiet.

She tiptoed upstairs and showered in the guest bath as not to disturb him. Finally making it to her room, she had to smile. A warm body in her bed waiting for her. How she had longed for that for so many years. And not just any warm body. Nick’s warm body. His back was to her and he was curled up in a ball, breathing steady and sweet.

Her heart swelled at the sight of him there. Just like so many times before, he somehow brought healing. Calm, comfort, peace and healing…

Chapter Forty Five

Ciara walked all the way in the room, wondering if he was really asleep or just playing possum. He couldn't have been here that long.

So, they'd kissed. Just a kiss, right? Ciara had wanted it to be a big disappointment.

Something they could look back on and laugh. "Remember when we thought we'd give it a go…it was like kissing my brother/sister!" Ha. Ha. Tee. Hee.

Unfortunately, it was nothing like that. Her heart hadn't raced that fast since…since…since she didn't think it ever had. He knew her in a way no one else did and instead of making it a sibling familiarity, it only brought intimacy. She was frightened by it. Not only because she was married, but because the intimacy of it all was too much for her. She didn't want to be that vulnerable to him. To anyone. Their flirtatious friendship was just fine, thank you very much.

Add to that, she was afraid the friendship would never be the same. They'd ruined it.

They'd dirtied it. Marred it. Messed with a perfect formula. She'd run out of the hotel and found a small alley to retreat to, ignoring the cold air, yet relieved when AJ found her not too many moments later. When he did, all she could do was sob in his arms.

He'd seen the whole thing unfold and stood amazed when Nick and Ciara's lips finally touched. If only he could find someone who knew him as she knew Nick. He was jealous, curious and now, just wanting it to be right for them.

They didn't talk long. She just wanted to stay outside long enough for Nick to give up and go to bed. It appeared as though she timed it right. She quietly made her way into her room, kissing AJ on the cheek and thanking him for being the one person who'd listen to her about this. No judgment. No pushing. No questions. She didn't know what she'd do without him, especially this night. After quickly washing herself for bed and changing into another one of Nick's raggedy old t-shirts, she tried to go to sleep.

Okay, so she only tried for 15 minutes. On her final flop over to the other side of the bed, trying to make it feel smaller, she noticed the connecting door was still open from when he picked her up earlier in the night. He either wasn't back yet or had simply fallen straight in bed, unaware of their continued connection. Surely he didn't want to deal with her anymore tonight. He had to be so angry. So hurt. So confused.

She closed her eyes trying to ignore it and too tired to go close it. As her body relaxed, her eyes would snap open, imagining him standing over her begging with his eyes like he had the night before. She'd slam her eyes closed again and the scene would repeat itself.

Finally, she caved. She had to see him. Had to feel him. Had to…she had to get to him.

So there she stood, watching him sleep, wanting nothing more than to slide into the bed next to him, wrap her arms around him and hold it all away. Make it right again. But she feared the more contact now, the more confusing morning would be. "Welcome to adulthood, Nicky. I've really screwed it up for you." She whispered her thoughts, finding herself at his bedside, running a hand through his silken hair.

He was truly asleep. But not deeply. His eyes fluttered open and he looked up at her smiling at the dream. It couldn't be her. She'd run away from him. He was probably the joke of the night. He'd seen her talking to AJ, saw them giggling in the darkness outside the hotel. With tears stinging his eyes at his stupidity, he ran to his room, stripped down to his skivvies and went to bed, falling quickly asleep. He'd lost her. He just knew it.

"Hey…I can't sleep."

He rolled on his back trying to wake up completely. Surely he was still dreaming.

Rubbing his eyes and looking to the voice, he sat up with a start when he realized she was really there. "Cici…I'm so…I'm sorry." He took hold of her hands and pulled her down for a hug. He still wasn't completely awake or aware of the reality of the moment.

He was in a fog, but wanted to grab at it, even if it was just a dream.

"Mmm…nothing to apologize for." She pulled back, brushing his hair back into place, searching his eyes for answers she knew wouldn't be there. They were both lost and confused. "I just couldn't sleep and saw our door still open…I'm sorry to wake you."

"It's okay. I thought…" he ran his hand over his head from back to front and finally saw her completely. "I thought I'd lost you."

"No. Never. I'm confused. And I'm…tired. I just want to go to sleep right now."

Without a word, he looked to the empty side of his bed and pulled the blankets back.

"Come sleep."

She slid into the bed with him and they turned back to back, just like the night before.

Her foot made the same path to his calf that it had and they shimmied a bit closer, bumping bottoms and settling into the center of the bed. Warm. Comfortable. Peaceful.

Asleep.

***

C: How's the weather down there, girl?

Deanna: For shit. Tornadoes are all over Orlando. We're just getting creamed with storms.

C: Should you be online?

D: Eh, I'm okay. A little shock is good for me.

C: LOL…so, how have you been? Feels like it's been forever, Dee.

D: That's b/c it has been. Where have you been?

C: New York. Went to see an old friend for his birthday.

D: His? Bet Bill was thrilled.

C: Oh yeah. Forget that the "he" is 18…been a friend forever. No biggie.

D: Well that's good.

Keep trying to convince yourself, Ci. No biggie.

Big biggie.

She ached to be with Nick again. She ached to make triple sure everything was okay. She was the one who woke up feeling guilty in the night this time and snuck back to her room. The goodbye was subdued and tense. She hated it. Now, almost a month later, and she'd not heard from him at all. Her heart was breaking, her marriage was falling apart and she had no one around to talk to about it. And, as usual when life was stressful, her health was in the toilet. Nothing new, just nothing good. High blood sugar. Low blood sugar. Colds and viruses that would not go away. Aches and pains to greet her every day. Missed work. Fights with Bill. Lies from Bill. She felt like Rose in Titanic…which she ran to go see again and again as an escape. "I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming and no one will look up." Yep. No one would look up because no one would ever begin to have a clue.

D: You there?

C: Yeah, sorry. Got distracted. Dee…I can't do this anymore.

D: Can't do what?

C: My life. I can't do it anymore.

D: Stop talking like that, Ci. You can do it.

C: Okay, let me rephrase. I don't want to do this anymore.

D: So, what are you going to do?

C: I could forget to take my shot once or twice.

D: I'm not laughing.

C: Neither am I.

D: Hang up now. I'm calling you.

C: Don't. I'll be okay.

D: Hang up. I mean it. Either do that or open your door in about 3 hours cuz I'm flying in.

C: Hanging up…I can't deal with your skanky face right now.

D: Love you

C: Bye.

So Dee called. And Ciara cried. A lot. Dee could tell that she was not getting to the full of the matter, but was thankful Ciara had cried out. She had way too many options at her disposal to end her life. Almost everyone thought about it at least for a fleeting moment, but Ciara could do it before she thought twice. It scared Deanna to death. No pun intended. She was afraid something like this was happening. When she didn't hear from Ciara for a long time, trouble was looming or she was doing something Deanna would disapprove of.

But talking helped. Always did. And Ciara knew she had some changes to make and soon.

How she'd follow through with it all was beyond her. But somehow, with Deanna's support, even with her families warped support, she'd do it. She knew she could.

Somehow.

***~

N: Is that really you?

C: Yeah, it's really me.

Damn, she missed him. She'd heard of all the work they'd done for the Tornado Relief Effort in Orlando. None of their homes had been damaged but friends, neighbors, community supporters had been hurt in some fashion or other. And the boys used their celebrity to pitch in and help. Ciara had sat and cried as she watched MTV covering the news accounts of it. Now they were back in Europe.

N: I miss you.

C: You have no idea.

N: Probably do…how are you feeling?

C: Up and down. Good days and bad days.

Silence. He had no idea what to say. Just knew that he missed her like mad and wanted everything to be like it used to be. Or not. Just better.

C: Where are you now?

N: Germany

N: We tape an unplugged concert tonight

C: Oh yeah? That sounds wonderful

N: I'm a wreck. Just had a few minutes here so I thought I'd do something to keep me from bouncing off the walls.

C: Yeah, I bet. Is it for a whole arena?

N: Nope, just a small theater. It'll be neat. We've got a choir backing us up, some strings, the band. No DAT's though. No computer shit.

C: Wish I could hear that…

N: You'll be able to. They're taping it.

C: I'll get my own special copy as usual? *big grin

N: Of course

C: Good.

Yuck. Small talk. This sucked. Sucked rocks. Big fat hairy rocks.

C: Got a girlfriend?

N: Huh?

C: You "heard" me.

N: Um…not sure?

C: You don't know?

N: No. I mean, no…I'm not sure.

C: Mmmkay…

N: Ciara, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to mess everything up.

C: You didn't, Nick. You weren't there by yourself you know.

N: True…

C: Look, we'll talk in person and work this out. I'm confused about so many things right now and frankly, kissing you is only one small piece of the puzzle.

N: Can I tell you something?

C: Anything. Anytime. I don't ever want that to change.

N: I really liked it.

She hadn't smiled this big since…since AJ made her admit the same thing that night.

He'd tormented it right out of her. Brat.

N: Ci?

C: I did too, Nick.

No way. Oh. Wow. She? Why the HELL was he in Germany right now and not on a plane on his way to Tennessee?

C: How's that for true confessions?

N: Yeah…

N: Ci, I hate to do this, but Kevin's on my ass. I gotta go.

C: Glad you caught me here. I could use one of your hugs right now.

N: Me too. I'll sing for you tonight, huh?

C: You do that. Hopefully I'll see you soon, Nick.

And he was off. With only the motion of her mouse, she clicked the messaging program off, signed off line, turned off her monitor and left the room. She needed to run. To flee.

Somewhere. Shopping. Of course. Throwing on jeans and a t-shirt, she grabbed her purse, jotted a note to Bill and flew out of the door. Out. She needed to get out. More out of here than she really could muster at the moment, but out shopping was good enough for now. This could never work. Never. But what her life was now wasn't working either.

Change. Imminent change. It scared her. It excited her. It made her buy $300 worth of shoes. Shit.

***

Grateful for the new, incredibly trendy and cute tennies she was sporting, Ciara made her way to the predesignated meeting location. Typically this was not the place for nerves, but she was a wreck. She saw her companion, and made her way to him, kissing his cheek softly and offering a shy smile.

"Thanks so much for doing this, sweetie."

"He'll be thrilled to see you. I wish I had a camera."

"Well, I'm glad you don't. This may backfire."

Another slight hug and he led her back behind another door. Places the average customer here never got to go. This was kinda cool.

"Okay, let's see if we can find the twerp."

They snooped around, talking to people they knew, meeting a few they didn't and finally, when she was beginning to think she had been hood-winked, she saw him. With his arm around a brunette. Urgh.

"Girlfriend?"

"Yeah…but, Ci…don't worry about it. Seriously."

"He deserves one. This is not a bad thing." So she didn't completely believe it herself. Yet she did. He deserved someone and someone deserved him. Right now was not the time for them and she knew it.

"Okay, I'm ready."

"I'll just leave you here. I gotta change for the show."

"Thanks, AJ. I really can't thank you enough."

"Someday this will all make sense. That's when you can thank me." Another soft kiss to her cheek and he was off.

She stood there in the middle of the backstage area and just watched for awhile. He was comfortable with this girl, but it wasn't horribly serious yet, she could tell. She was his age. Kinda pretty. Skinny assed thing. He spoke to her casually and kissed her cheek much as AJ had just kissed Ciara's. Her heart skipped a beat. Jealousy? No way.

He walked away from the girl toward Ciara, not looking up. Time to get changed she figured, starting to mentally prepare for the show. Just as she was afraid she'd better move or he was going to plow right into her, he looked up and stopped. Dead. His chest rose with the huge breath he took as his eyes bugged out of his head.

"CIARA!!!!!!" She could say nothing. He wrapped his arms around her, picked her up, spun her around and kissed her square on the lips before anyone could think twice.

"Nick! Who the hell?"

Ah, girlfriend time. How special.

"OH…yeah…" He shyly put her down, face reddening as he spoke. "Mandy. This is my, uh…my fri-…um…this is my Ciara." Oops. That came out wrong.

"YOUR Ciara?" The teeny looked Ciara up and down like she was last week's fashion trend.

"I mean…God. This is my FRIEND, Ciara…Ciara…Mandy."

Ciara stuck out a hand to the girl, trying hard not to laugh. Nicky'd landed a jealous one.

What a scream. "Hi, Mandy. It's nice to meet you."

Mandy offered a limp hand and an attitude to match. "Yeah, hi." Turning to her stumbling boyfriend, "Don't you have to get ready, Nick?"

"Yeah, yeah…I do. Ciara…you'll be here when we're done?"

"Yep." She held up her backstage pass. "I'm here."

"How'd you?"

"NICK! Go! You'll get Kevin all riled up." Jealous and bossy. She was a keeper.

"Yeah, okay." He bore his eyes into Ciara's hoping she'd read what all he was trying to say. Of course she did. They'd talk. Somehow this night was not going to end without some serious one on one time. Seeing that his message was getting through, he winked at his old friend…girl…Ciara…and took off to the changing area.

And there stood impudent Mandy. Hand on hip. Attitude hanging out for all to see.

Ciara sighed figuring this was going to be her concert companion. Better make the most of it.

"Guess we'd better find our seats, Mandy. Wanna sit with me?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever."

***

Grad night at Walt Disney World. Ciara felt like an old woman. Sorta. Fortunately, she looked younger than she was so she blended in okay. Only she knew the truth. Well, she and her companion. Mandy had been giving her the third degree throughout the show.

Age, occupation, history, inoculation records. Ciara had learned a bit too. She was the daughter of their family doctor. Met up in the spring before the guys left for the UK. She said it was serious. Ciara didn't see it in Nick's eyes. Ciara also didn't lead on. The girl was a year younger than Nick and was planning on traveling with them when they got back to the states. Where the hell were her parents? Who would let their 17 year old daughter travel the country with her boyfriend of a few months? Insanity.

The show was over, the guests were escorted backstage and before long, Ciara was in Nick's arms again. He'd totally ignored is girlfriend.

"Uh, Nick…Mandy's gonna…really, hon."

"Jesus. I just can't…how did you get here? What's…"

"AHEM! Don't I get a post concert hug?"

"Of course. Sorry." Nick bent over and hugged his girl, kissing her on the head. "I just didn't expect to see her is all…"

There was an after party planned in a conference room hidden away inside the park. It did seem Mandy's parents had some control because around midnight she left. Finally, Nick and Ciara could talk. Alone. As soon as Mandy was out of the building, Nick made a bee-line to Ciara, yanked her away from a conversation with Brian and towed her into an office down a dark hallway.

"Nick…should we be down here?"

"It's okay. We know these people."

"Well aren't you the shit?"

"Yes, I am… siddown."

"Sir…" My goodness he'd gotten bossy in a few short months. And his hair had grown…even more. She thought she could spend days in it. Goddamn. What the hell was going on?

"Now…" he leaned back against the desk, arms crossed in front of him. Suddenly she felt like she'd been sent to the principal's office. Might as well go with it. "How did you get here?"

"I drove."

He could already tell she was going to be a pain in the ass. Fine. Two could play at that game. It'd take his mind off of his urge to kiss her again. Maybe. "From where?"

"Tampa."

"Tampa…hmmm…" he brought his hand up to his chin and rubbed it thoughtfully, enjoying this little game. "And what were you doing in Tampa?"

"Tolerating my parents."

"And you didn't tell me you were in Tampa because?…"

"I wanted to surprise you here."

"What motivated you to go 'tolerate' your parents?"

"I…um…" Ciara couldn't keep the game up any longer. Cute as he was. "Nick…I left him."

Yep. Game over. His mind swam faster than he could process. She left him. He had a girlfriend and she was single. Or would be soon. He liked Mandy, dammit. He didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of ever having a life with Ciara anyway, but it would have been fun trying. Now, here she was…sitting in front of him with the strangest look of victory and defeat and he felt like he'd been kicked in the balls. Life was queer.

"You left him…when?"

"Last week."

"Are you okay, Cici?" He left his spot against the desk and pulled a chair up next to her and took her hand in his. "I mean, I know that…but…are you okay?"

"Um…sorta? I mean, I'm kinda overwhelmed right now. I found out what he'd been doing when I thought he was working. Where his money had gone…Where a lot of MY

money had gone…I'm such a complete fool, Nick."

"You are not a fool."

"Trust me. I am. How many of you warned me, huh? No one liked him. My CAT even hated him. My cat…" What had been a very staid, together woman, suddenly crumbled upon the mentioning of her cat. Nick never would understand women, he decided, but knew that no matter what, when they cried for no apparent reason you didn't ask. You just held them and listened.

She snuffed and sniffled and snorted finally reaching up to the desk grabbed a Kleenex to clean herself up. "I'm sorry, Nick. You do not need this. I left him. I'm in Tampa now and I'm going to buy a house. I got a job in the ER at Tampa General and I'll bide my time there until another pedes job opens up. There. **snort** Those are the facts, Mr.

Carter."

"I don't give a shit about the facts, Ci. I want to know if you're okay. And you're obviously not."

No, she was not. She was scared. And pissed. She'd risked so much to marry this idiot and…the tears started up again. Dammit.

"What did he do to you, Ci? What made you finally leave?"

She hated Nick right now. He played the blonde bimbo so well. Goofing off on stage and off, being the quiet, dorky one in interviews, flashing that irresistible grin she'd known for years to get out of trouble. But she knew. She always knew. His silence, his goofing, his dinginess…it was all a cover up. He watched and took note of everything around him.

And he thought about it. He stewed on it. He dreamed and conjured. She couldn't get away with dick as long as he was around. Thank God. She needed him so much and it scared the hell out of her.

With tears stopped again for now, she finally told him her last straw with the man. "He killed my cat, Nick."

"WHAT!?" Well, he surely didn't expect that!

"Well, okay, I have no solid proof…other than the obvious. She was fine. Just had her to the vet. I come home from work and the cat's inexplicably dead. 'I just found her layin'

there in the hall, Ci'," she said mocking him. The tears started to flow yet again. "I took…I took her to the vet…I mean, I knew she was already gone, but…" Ciara blew her nose, trying to make the words and thoughts all work together. "They wanted me to bring her in…she had head injuries, Nick. How the fuck does a cat get head injuries?"

"I have no idea. She never climbed much did she?"

"No. Never. Back of the couch, my bed, kitchen counter and table…but never higher."

"Why the hell would he kill her? He's sick!"

"Yes, he is. The cat hated him. That should have been my first clue."

"So he kills it?"

"Well, he'd play really rough with her, you know? He'd kick her whenever she was in his way…instead of letting her down from places, he'd practically throw her. I think it just went too far."

"Did he ever go too far with you?"

"No…believe it or not, no. He had a temper. Kicked a hole in our microwave cart, but never touched me, no."

"Good. You said he was messin' with your money?"

"Yep. I finally realized he was making himself sick or injured so he wouldn't have to work. When he did, he'd drink his money away. I thought he never drank. Never in front of me anyway. I wouldn't be surprised if he was drugging too. He stole money from me, Nick. What the hell is wrong with me!?"

"With YOU!? Ciara, you just described a sick, sick man and you're worried about what's wrong with you?"

"I married him, Nick. I stuck around. I knew he was a dumb fuck before I said, 'I do.' But I did it anyway. I lost my experience at General and now I have to start at the bottom floor again. I mean, it was just a year, but…why didn't someone stop me!?"

"Would you have listened?"

"No."

Of course not. "You never could tell me before, so I'm gonna try again. Why did you marry him, Ci?"

"He was nice to me."

"Ciara, lots of people are nice to you. You don't go off and marry them."

"I know. I mean, okay. I felt pressure from Mom and Dad because they didn't want me moving up there without being married. Once I got there I knew I was in trouble. But I couldn't deal with their shit about canceling the wedding."

"Okay, lemme go back one more then. Why did you agree to move to Tennessee with him?"

"You're a pain, Nick."

"Thanks. Answer me."

"Because…because I have no fucking idea. He was nice to me. He didn't care that I was sick. He was…." Realization even hit her and it infuriated her that Nick had gotten it out of her. "He was safe. I knew he didn't love me and I didn't have to love him in return. I got the attention without having to risk my heart. There. Does that satisfy your questions?"

"You have no idea what you have to offer someone, do you?"

"Um…a sick, damaged body and lots and lots of medical bills?"

"Is that all you see yourself as?"

"Right now, Nick…yeah. I do. I've even fucked up the friendship you and I had.

Everything I touch turns to shit."

"We've not turned to shit, Ci. I'm here. I'll always be here."

She looked up into his blue eyes and melted. He was there. She had been so caught up in the mechanics of getting there, the shock of seeing Mandy, the excitement of the show and then, the emotional maelstrom of getting this out that somewhere along the way she'd missed the obvious. He was here. Just like he'd always been. Really, nothing had changed. Not the heart of things anyway.

Without another thought, she got up from her chair and pulled him to stand with her.

She slid her arms around his waist and sighed as his did the same…she could feel the tension drain from her body, the closer he pulled her in. He ran his hands through her hair, causing her to relax even more and settle in to "her place" on his chest. She'd never noticed it before this moment, but it'd never leave her. She fit. They fit. The specifics of it were unknown to both of them, but there it was.

"Are you going to be here for tomorrow's show?"

"If you'll have me."

"Of course. Where are you staying?"

"I've got a suite at your hotel."

"You do, huh? Connecting rooms again?"

"Doubt it. I'm on your floor though."

"Good enough. Mandy's gone back to Tampa. School tomorrow."

"Ah…I see." What a pity.

They pulled back from their embrace and he grabbed a few Kleenex before heading out.

"I think I'm kinda tired of sleeping alone again. Might need a roomie tonight?"

"Will we make it 'til morning?"

"I doubt it. But I just wanna be with you, Ci. Nothing else. I just want to be with you."

Isn't that what anybody wants? Someone to want their company? Again, he'd done it.

Healing. She had a long way to go, but Nick had started the process. He just wanted to be with her. How wonderful.

***

They didn't make it 'til morning. He left. Sometime in the night, his desire for her became too great and he snuck across the hall back to his room. It was all good. She got ready for the day alone and enjoyed the solitude. Promo stuff was to start the boys day and she was going to tag along. Like a few years ago, it meant free rides and no lines.

Who could complain?

Nick and Ciara had split off from the group for awhile after a stupid, silly photo shoot.

They were walking down Main Street taking in a few shops when they were stopped by a small child pulling on the hem of Nick's shirt. He smiled at the boy and squatted down to his eye level…or close.

"Aw you Nick Cawtuh?"

"Yup, that's me! What's your name?" Nick looked up at the mother and smiled. She was flipping between pride in her son and nervousness at Nick's presence. He found it funny.

"Jacob…my mommy has your picture on our frigerator!"

"Jake! My God." Okay, now she was just humiliated. And beet red.

"She does!?" He looked up and winked at the woman. "Well, maybe I should get a picture of her for my frigerator."

The little boy laughed and looked away. "Naw, I'd like a hug though. Can I have a hug?"

"Oh yeah, that I can do. Come here, big guy."

Nick wrapped his arms around the child and smiled from the inside out. Exhaustion or no, management issues or no, separation from his family or no, nothing could replace the joy he felt at times like these. This is why he did it. Watching the scene unfold, Ciara had an epiphany herself. She realized at that moment that any woman who tried to compete with that joy or dare try to take this away from him would never be his. His heart was here…as was his future. It'd make a love life…with anyone…a complicated thing.

Chapter Forty Six

“You know,” the young boy pulled back, looking up at the dancing blue eyes staring at his dark brown ones. “I like your brother better.”

Nick fell back on his bottom and grabbed at his heart in mock sadness. “My brother!?

You like Aaron better than me!?”

“Yep. But you’ll be okay, I guess.”

“Nathanael! Be nice to Nick, now. He’s agreed to help Aunt Cici while Mommy and Daddy are gone.”

“I’m nice, Mom…I just like his brother.” Pushing his way past Nick who was still sitting on the floor, he looked up to his aunt wondering why she was giggling. “So where’s my room?”

“Come on, I’ll show you.” Nick stood up with a groan, took the boy’s hand and led him upstairs to the guest room leaving the sisters alone in the room.

“He has no problem getting what he wants, does he?” Ciara hadn’t been the best of aunts, to be honest. Working non-stop, going through a bit of a depression and now with Nick in her life, she just never took the time. Sis was judgmental of her health and life at best, and ignorant of the intricacies of it at worst. So, Ciara just avoided dealing with her.

Although seeing Nathanael now, she was instantly regretting that choice. She’d missed him in avoiding her. Not smart.

“Nope. Not usually. Don’t let him push you around though. He just thinks he’s the boss.”

“Got it. Used to that with my patients. I wanted to ask you…and I’d understand if you said ‘no’, but please consider it first…”

“What’s that?” The older sibling slid deeper into Ciara’s home dropping bags of toys and games onto her floor.

“Well, especially since Nathan…”

“Nathanael.”

Alrighty then. “Nathanael…mentioned Aaron…he has a show this weekend in Chicago.

Called Nick to have him come up. I’d love for the three of us to go.”

“To Chicago? On a plane?”

“Yeah…just two nights. Concert, sight seeing…Aaron might join us the second day. Not sure yet, but I think Nathanael would get a kick out of it.”

“Chicago.”

“Yes, Chicago.” Jeez.

“So, you’re really doing Nick Carter, huh? The little twerpy kid…thought you could do better, Ci.” No tact. Nowhere in this woman’s body lived one ounce of it. Ciara hated it.

Made her wonder how she managed being a parent.

“This has nothing to do with my relationship with Nick. If you don’t want us to take him, we won’t.”

“How responsible is he, Ciara? I mean, he’s been coddled all his life. All whopping…what? 21? 22 years of it? How am I supposed to trust him with my child that far away from me?”

“It’s me you need to trust. I’m responsible for Nathanael this week. Just stop preaching and tell me ‘no’ if that’s your answer. I don’t need your approval of who I’m seeing.”

“How much will this cost?”

“You? Nothing. We’ve got it covered.”

“Of course. He’s made of money.” Ciara’s sister heaved an exhausted sigh, and rolled her eyes, leaning an ear upstairs to what the two ‘boys’ were doing. All she could hear was laughter.

“He’s great with kids, he’s great for me and I’d like to go. If it’s a problem, Nick and I will go another time. Your son, however, would have the time of his life.”

“He does like Aaron.” Without invitation, she walked upstairs to find her son to bid him farewell. It was hard enough leaving him this long, then separating her daughter from him since Ciara had been sick and now…Chicago? It seemed a bit much. And yet…

She turned into the room and saw legs. A few arms. Suddenly a brown head popped up from the fray and then disappeared. Laughter. Hard, wet-your-pants variety laughter.

From both of them. She hadn’t heard her son laugh like that in a long time. Neither she nor her husband were particularly touchy people, never got down and dirty with the kids to play and rough house. Maybe that had been a mistake.

“I got you Unka Nick! I got you!”

Nathanael finally jimmied his way out from under the larger man and ‘flipped’ him on his back, straddling his stomach bouncing heartily.

“Uh-uh-uh…Nath-an-ael-…please…stop.” Nick grabbed Nathanael on an upwards bounce and quickly pulled himself up to sitting seeing Ciara’s sister in the doorway, arms folded and a…no, it couldn’t be…a smile on her face? Settling the boy on his lap, he flashed his best grin. “Oh, hi.”

“Hi. Nathanael. Mommy’s gonna go. Be nice to Nick now…”

“UNKA Nick, Mommy. He’s my UNKA Nick.”

The smile left her face and she glared at Nick. No, not yet he’s not.

“His idea…we’ll put a stop to it if it bothers you.”

Her face softened, although she was still frustrated. She couldn’t believe her sister would bop this guy who she’d known since he was a kid. Gave her the creeps. But, dammit, he did seem awful nice. He was a handsome thing now too, wasn’t he? But, he was a pop star. A cocky, pre-packaged slice of meat for her sister. Probably a druggie or a boozer like that other one. Hadn’t she had enough of that crap in her past? No way could he take care of her whenever she got sick. He probably couldn’t’ even pronounce ‘diabetes’.

But, she couldn’t deny how comfortable Nathanael was already. And Ciara seemed, for the first time in years, genuinely happy.

“I guess it’s okay. Just don’t…just…” She sighed in resolve when Nathanael pulled Nick back up and dragged him to his suitcase.

“Come on, Unka Nick. I’ve got some toys I want to show you.”

“Nathanael, hang on. Let me talk to your Mommy here and then we’ll look at everything.”

And the boy happily obliged. No argument. No pout. No fuss. Shoot. Another sigh.

“Just be good to my family, okay?”

“That’ll be easy.”

“You know she’s sick.”

His eyes narrowed at hers. It was a test. He hated being tested like this. But, it was probably for her son’s well being, at least in her mind, so he answered. “Sick? Not typically. Has some problems? Yep.”

“Do you know what to do when her blood sugar is low?”

“Feed her.”

Smart ass. “What are the symptoms of low blood sugar?” Nick tried to hide his frustration, afraid he was failing miserably, but answered anyway.

This was ridiculous. “Different things, sometimes she hides her symptoms from me ‘til it’s too late. Um, weakness, shaking, sweatiness, confusion…then she’ll check out.”

“And when it’s high?”

“She’s bitchy as hell, thirsty, high strung. Get insulin to her if she needs it, calm her down and wait.”

“Glucagon?”

“Done it.”

Impressive. “And what if she hurts all the time…can’t move much.”

“Then I sit with her. And love her.” He sat down on the bed, tired of the interrogation, hoping that by physically backing down, she would back down altogether. “Look, I just agreed to be here to help Ci with Nathanael. He’s not in danger and neither is she.”

“No, no…I’m not implying…I’m sorry. I just worry about her. No one can take care of her good enough, you know?”

“No, I don’t know. She seems to have a lot of faith in me and I take that very seriously.”

“I guess that leaves my opinion out the equation then doesn’t it?”

“Unless she asks for it, yeah. She’s a diabetic; she’s not ignorant.” Okay, so he did get it. Maybe even better than she did. She wanted to hate him. Wanted to distrust him, just like every other man in Ciara’s life. But he wouldn’t let her. Dammit.

Against her better judgment, she made a decision.

“Nathanael, how would you like to take a trip with Aunt Cici and,” she struggled, but got it out, “Uncle Nick?”

“Where to?”

Nick and the woman met eyes, him asking, her answering. He never imagined she’d agree to it. “How’d you like to go see that other Carter guy…oh, what’s his name???” Nick tapped his chin with his finger in mock concentration.

“AARON!?”

“Yeah! That one. You wanna go see him?”

“YES! Mommy, can I?”

She couldn’t believe she was agreeing to it, either. Before she could second guess herself, she nodded her head. “You’ll get to go on an airplane and everything, Buddy. Is that okay?”

“Oh yeah!!!!!!!! Wooohooo!” The boy jumped off his spot on the bed and did a dance that only 5 yr. old boys could do. “I’m gonna see AIR-on! I’m gonna see AIR-on!” Hearing the commotion upstairs, Ciara finally met up with everyone in the guestroom.

Leaning to her sisters shoulder, “I guess you decided?”

“I’m an idiot. If anything happens to him, Ci…”

“Stop. I take care of kids for a living, Sis. He’ll be fine.” One more sigh for good measure. “Okay, Nathanael, come here. Mommy’s going.

Gimme kisses.”

One quick kiss and he had latched onto Nick pulling him back to his suitcase to share his treasures.

“I’ll give Mom the details of the flights and stuff. Thanks for agreeing to this.” The sisters made their way back downstairs for final instructions and lectures. Ciara’s sister was always a control freak and it rubbed off on her raising of the kids. Strict schedules, dietary rules, TV times, etc. Made Ciara sick. So, she listened obediently, made note of the truly important ones and decided that this week, Nathanael was going to learn how to have fun. Nick and Ciara style.

***

“Cici…Unka Nick’s not here!”

“Mmm???” Ciara rolled out of her deep sleep to see two brown eyes one inch from her green. Damn, this kid liked mornings.

“Unka Nick…where is he?” Bounce. Bounce. Bounce.

“Nate…ugh…baby…stop…please.” Landing a hand firmly on his shoulder, the boy finally sat still…sorta. “Uncle Nick slept at his house last night. We’ll see him later.”

“Are you guys getting’ a diborce?” Nathanael straddled Ciara’s body, facing her feet and laid down, putting his butt square in her face. Good morning, Aunt Cici. “Tommy’s Mommy and Daddy don’t sleep in the same house anymore cuz they’re getting’ a diborce.”

Nothing like a butt in your face to lighten a deep conversation. And wouldn’t sis just love this one? “Oh, well, no…Uncle Nick and Aunt Cici aren’t married. We just um…”

“You have slumber parties?” He popped up and turned around, folding his arms on her chest dazzling her with his deep, bedroom eyes.

“Yeah! That’s it. Slumber parties. He went out to play with some different friends last night so he stayed at his house.”

“Did he have a slumber party with them?”

“Probably not…he only has those with me.”

“You think Aaron will have a slumber party with us in Shitago?”

“I have no idea, Buddy. Depends on a bunch of things.”

“Mmmkay. I’m hungry.”

“Then hop up and…” her stomach decided to chime into the conversation.

“Fooooooooooooooooooddddddddddd!!!!!!”

“Aunt Cici!!!!!! What was THAT!?”

She had to laugh. His eyes were naturally overly animated. Now they were virtually popping out of his head. “THAT was my tummy. It’s noisy if I wait too long to eat in the morning, huh?”

“It TALKS!” He climbed off of her and the bed, grabbing a hand to help her up. “You’d better feed it a pop tart or sumthin’.”

The week had gone remarkably well. For being such a tight ass, Ciara couldn’t deny that her sister had done a fabulous job in raising him. Maybe hubby had some influence too because he wasn’t high strung like she assumed he’d be from being around Sis all his life.

He and Nick were almost inseparable. Ciara finally demanded Nick go out with his buddies so she could have some time alone with Nathanael. Besides, in Chicago, they were stuck together. All three of them. No escape. Nick deserved a bit of a break.

But today was the day. Breakfast, finish packing, pick up Nick and off to the airport for their little weekend jaunt. They hadn’t mentioned the trip much yesterday in hopes that Nathanael would sleep in a bit and not get all worked up. It had worked. If you could count a 7:00 a.m. wake up call as sleeping in.

“Whatcha doin’ Ci?”

“Taking my shot, sweetie. Aunt Cici told you about it, remember?”

“Yeah. I don’t like shots.” He opened the pantry door and bent down selecting his favorite cereal. “Fwosted Fwakes today, Cici.”

“Want me to make you some eggs instead?”

“Nope, Fwakes. Mommy says you can’t cook.”

Bitch. “Well, Mommy only remembers my cooking when I was a little girl. I can cook some things. You ate the burgers last night.” She took the box and poured him a bowl, wondering what other little tidbits Sweet Sissy told her nephew.

“Unka Nick cooked the burgers. He can cook.”

Of course. “I made the fries. You ate those.”

“Fwakes, Aunt Cici. I want fwakes.”

“Got it…here’s your flakes.” Her sister was a flake. It was official. “Bath after breakfast and then we’ll go get Uncle Nick, okay?”

“We’re flying on a plane today, huh?”

“Yep…you nervous?”

“Nope.” He chewed his cereal thoughtfully…as thoughtfully as an “almost 5” year old could. “Um, yeah…a little.”

“It’s okay. Wanna know a secret?”

“What!?” He loved secrets. Couldn’t keep one to save his life.

“Nick’s nervous about flying too. Maybe you can help calm him down.”

“Hmmm…maybe. Maybe he can help me instead.”

“Maybe so.” She decided against the eggs and poured herself a bowl of cereal, taking a seat next to her nephew. As much fun as she was having with him, it caused an ache deep inside her she did not like. One she couldn’t express or even share. Not yet anyway.

Right now, her focus was on the weekend. Only the weekend.

***

“Unka Niiiiiiiick!!!!! We’re heeeeeeerrrrreeeeeeeeee!!!!!” As soon as Ciara opened the door to Nick’s house, Nathanael ran inside going anywhere his feet would take him looking for the long lost Uncle Nick. It had only been 15 hours since they’d parted but to watch the boy, you’d think it had been years.

“Nate…walk inside, please.” Ciara closed the door and spent a moment or two with Nick’s dogs. Much smaller than that damned thing from years ago. She couldn’t be happier.

“Hey, buddy…what did you do this morning?” Nick hit the bottom step and scooped Nathanael up in his arms planting a kiss on his cheek.

“Boring stuff. She made me take a bath.”

Oh, so now it was a conspiratorial kind of relationship. Fine. “I’ll make Nick take one later, Nate…will that help?”

“Yes. Everyone has to take a bath today. You ready to fly, Unka Nick?”

“Yep…are you?” Putting the boy down, Nick put up a finger for him to ‘hold that thought’ as he ran upstairs to get a few bags.

“Where’s he goin’, Ci?”

“Probably to get his stuff. You want some water before we drive to the airport?”

“K…” Nathanael started snooping around Nick’s house peeking down hallways, sliding the vertical blinds off the patio door uncovering the pool and ocean view. “Woah! Unka Nicky’s got a cool pool!”

“Yep. Maybe you can come over when it’s warmer and swim, huh?”

“YEAH! I’m a good swimmer!”

“Okay, NOW I’m ready…got my bags and…I found this in my room. It must be yours.” Nick handed a stuffed airplane to the child.

“What’s this for?”

“That’s for the plane ride. Just in case…well…I get scared sometimes. It’s nice to hang on to something soft when you’re afraid.”

“Oh.” He ‘flew’ the plane throughout the house, totally oblivious of his fear, the impending new adventure or anything else for that matter. Oh to be young again.

“Thanks, Nick.”

“Hey…haven’t even said ‘hi’ to you.” He folded Ciara up in his arms, softly kissing her neck.

“Have fun last night?”

“Yeah…” He ran a hand through his hair, hoping he was hiding his hang-over from her.

As usual, he went too far last night. Fortunately, alcohol was consistent. He was paying for it this morning.

He wasn’t hiding a thing from her. But again, she let it go. First time in awhile that he’d been out. He deserved a night of fun and if he overdid it, then he deserved how crappy he was feeling this morning. Maybe Nathanael would be extra cooperative and be louder than usual too. Or there’d be turbulence. Ciara chuckled to herself as she imagined all the possible punishments he could endure. Serves him right, dumbass.

***

“I’m sittin’ by Unka Nick!”

“Yep. You two are here, and Aunt Cici will be over here.” Nick took Ciara’s bag and tossed it in the overhead, stealing a kiss before he helped Nathanael buckle in.

“You get a window seat, Nate. Pretty cool, huh?”

“Yeah…I’ll be able to see the clouds.”

Sure, yeah. See the clouds. To this day it gave Nick the creeps. He managed. He flew. He had no choice. And after Sept. 11, he was even more fearful than he used to be. But, here he was, trying to be the ‘big boy’ for this young boy and not show his fear. Sometimes being the adult sucked.

He finally got settled in his own seat and looked over to Ciara across the aisle. He was going on a weekend trip with Ciara and her nephew. Whodathunk it? A year ago he was convinced he’d lost her for good…or at least to the point where they’d never be ‘right’

again. And now…look at them now. Could it really be this good? Or would he blow it and lose her again?

He reached across the aisle and rubbed her arm on the rest.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. I just like to hang onto something soft when I’m afraid.”

Chapter Forty Seven

“Nick…you can let go, hon. We landed.”

“Yeah, I know.” He didn’t budge. Now that the plane had landed, he had to overcome another fear. Seeing Brian in the hospital. Sick. Very sick. Brian was his security. His firm foundation. To see him weak and in pain…Nick wasn’t sure he could take it. But he knew he had to do this. For Brian. For himself.

So, to soften the blow of it, he asked Ciara to join him. What a battle that had been.

Ciara was more than willing. She liked to check on people in the hospital. Make sure they were getting proper care. Give them a bit of nursing love for free. But Mandy? Oh boy. The little girl was quite unhappy. Fortunately, she was still very much a minor.

Daddy wouldn’t let her go and Jane was pleased Ciara was accompanying Nick. Shut the little wench up and fast.

“Baby, seriously…we need to get off first or people will see you.” Nick finally turned to her from the stolid position he’d held since the plane began its final descent. “Thanks for comin’ with me, Ci.”

“Anytime…come on. Let’s do this.”

In Ciara’s mind, this trip was going a good thing. Get them back to young boy/big sis kind of relationship they’d had for so long. Hopefully his fear and concern for Brian would rule the journey and the sexual tension that had been intruding on their time together would take a back seat. Or go away altogether. Never mind the fact that Ciara now couldn’t get Nick out of her head…ever. Nick’s mind was a lost cause, but it was confused with Mandy’s presence. He really, really liked her. But Ciara? She had his heart.

The trip to the hotel was quiet. Ciara was beginning to think Nick was going to lose his lunch. Was this surgery even more serious than Nick had led on or was it just a genuine devotion to his friend? She didn’t know, but found it endearing. Except for that nail biting. He was going to come up with bloody stubs if he wasn’t careful.

“I’ll get our reservation. Why don’t you just wait over there…” pointing to a darkened hallway away from the crowd. You’d have thought the Backstreet Boys were touring with how crowded the hotel was. Wrong crowd, mind you…all businessmen, but it was packed.

Nick slunk down on a bench in the hall, burying his head in his hands, trying to avoid being seen, although from the looks of it, this crowd probably didn’t give two shits who this teenager was. Fine. He had enough on his mind. He did not want to do this.

Between his complete panic over Brian and his confusion with Ciara he thought his head might explode. Or his heart. Either way, it could very well get messy.

“Well, this trip just got more interesting.” Ciara plopped down next to Nick and laid her head on his shoulder.

“How’s that? I’m not sure I can take much more excitement.”

“Well, my dear…” She lifted her head and looked at his dark, sad eyes, “we get to share a room.”

Oh shit. “How’d that happen?” Nick got up and grabbed their bags, hoping she was playing some sick joke on him. Wishing she wasn’t.

Walking to the elevators, she explained their plight. “Instead of reserving two rooms, they reserved one with two beds. Convention in town and that’s the only room they have.

In the city.” She slammed her finger on the ‘up’ button to the elevator and smiled at her friend. “I feel like I’m stuck in some stupid fan fiction.”

“You mean we’re not!?” Fake shock. At least it made him smile.

“I’m beginning to wonder.”

Nerves settled again and stole his smile. And started the nail biting again.

“Do you just want to wait ‘til tomorrow to go see him? You’re a wreck.”

“Huh? No. I need to get this over with. I don’t know why I’m so scared.” Pulling his hand away from his mouth, she smiled. So sweet. “Because you love him, Nick. And he’s had a very invasive surgery and he waited too damned long to have it.

There’s always risk.”

“Yeah.” Nick looked up at the elevators impatiently. A huge downtown hotel…granted, it was downtown Lexington, but still…only 3 stinkin’ elevators. No service elevators. And could they be ANY slower? He had this incredible urge to wrap Ciara up in his arms to calm his nerves, but he thought better of it. She looked gorgeous. Face was flush with frustration at arguing with the desk clerk and…and…why was this so complicated? And where WAS that elevator?

“Finally!” The doors opened and about 500 people filed out of the elevator. “Why am I thinking this is the only one that’s working?”

“Cuz you’re telepathic. We did at least get club level, didn’t we?”

“Yep…” She slid the key in the slot and hit ’15.’ Nothing. Slide. Hit. Nothing. “We’re gonna have so much fun here, Nick. I can just feel it.” Now that made him smile.

***

“Okay, Nurse Cici…what can I expect?” Nick slid into the van next to her, grateful for a shower to help clear his head a little.

“Well, let’s see. Open heart surgery. Healthy guy. He’ll be pale, dark eyes…he’ll look generally sick. He’ll be in a helluva lot of pain today, probably…sleeping a lot. Um…O2

tube in his nose, IV’s, maybe a cath if he’s not moving around yet.”

“Sounds lovely.”

“Better than how you saw me, Nick.”

“True. I don’t think I could take that.” Back to the nail biting.

“You could if you had to. It’s amazing what we can really stomach sometimes.”

“I guess so. I didn’t think I could take seeing you that way either.”

“And you did. Brian will be glad you’re there and that’s all that matters.” Nick nodded in agreement and watched the scenery for a bit. Miles and miles of white fences decorating the rolling hills and lush green grass. Nothing like Florida, but this was a beautiful state. Before long they were on the hospital property and Nick and Ciara were amazed to see so many fans waiting outside. They held cards and flowers, signs and stuffed toys. Sweet, but sadly inappropriate.

“We’ll need a back entrance, please.”

The driver nodded and pulled around to a side door, letting the couple out. Nick’s knees were shaking. His stomach was doing somersaults and his hands were dripping with sweat. Ick. This just sucked. Wiping his hands on his pants, he took hold of Ciara’s hand deciding he wasn’t letting go until he was damned good and ready.

Finally they made it to Brian’s room and Nick had second thoughts about bringing Ciara with him. He liked to stand out in the hall for a bit and think before charging in. Psyche himself out. Not her. A quick knock on the door and they were inside, Brian’s family looking up from their reading and TV viewing to see who came in. Nick waved and moved his attention to the patient…just as Ciara had described he’d be. Ghost white, half asleep, oxygen tube in his nose, IV’s hanging everywhere, a heart monitor beeping away and…

“Nick! Honey….come on now.” She felt his whole body go limp next to her…ON her.

“Shit. Gimme a chair, please.”

Brian’s brother got up from his seat and slid it over under Nick’s sinking bottom. She quickly sat him down and smiled shyly at the stranger. “Hi…sorry about the entrance.”

“It’s okay…I’m Harold…you’re?”

“Ciara. Nick’s friend. Can we get him some orange juice?”

“Yep, I’ll be back.”

Looking back at her new patient, she shook her head. He was almost there…not quite.

“Nick, honey…lean forward. It’s okay.” She pushed him forward a bit to get his blood flowing properly again and looked at the real patient in the hospital bed who had woken up further with the commotion. “He always has to out-do you, doesn’t he?”

“Hey, Cici…yeah…always stealin’ the show. He gonna be okay?”

“Yeah, he didn’t go out all the way.” She continued to rub his head and back and whispering directions to keep his breathing slow and deep. Silly boy.

“I’m good. I’m good.” Nick kept his head down, partially because he still felt woozy and partially because he was horrified. Dear God. “Sorry, Ci.”

“Here’s your juice, and a cold cloth.” Harold welcomed the opportunity to visit the nurse’s station…no doubt.

“Thanks …you okay to sit up and drink?” She peeked down to Nick’s lowered head and pressed the cloth to his brow, brushing away his long hair.

“Yeah…” Nick took hold of the cloth and leaned back slowly, closing his eyes too embarrassed to look to Brian’s family quite yet. Where was that proverbial black hole that could swallow you up when you need it? He took a drink of juice and leaned his head back against the wall. “Can I just die now?”

“No, you can’t. Get off your ass and come over here.” Brian was perking up a bit and trying not to laugh. Partially because Kevin had done just about the same thing earlier in the day and when he laughed at him, he hurt for an hour later. Not a good plan.

“How about we go out and let the friends visit, huh? Nick, I’m glad you’re okay.

Ciara…thanks for bringing him.” Brian’s mom yanked on the sleeves of her husband and older son, directing them out of the room. “We’ll be down in the cafeteria if you need us, hon.”

“Thanks…you feel like getting up yet?”

“Think so…” He took hold of her hand and together went to see his friend. His two best friends in all the world had, at one time or other, been laid up in a hospital bed, hooked up to tubes and machines. Something was wrong with that. Had to be.

***

“Don’t hold your breath, Bri…try to breath easy.”

“But it hurts.” He’d finally been permitted to get up and walk around. To think he’d actually been excited about this now confused him. Hurt like hell and he could barely make it down 5 doors. Pissed him off.

“I know, honey, but you’re makin’ it worse. Let it out and breathe.” Ciara had a hold of his arm with one hand and her other around his back. Nick followed silently watching her work her magic on Brian, trying to convince himself that Brian would be okay. He was so weak. Brian wasn’t supposed to be weak.

Brian let out a whoosh of air and tried to breathe regularly while he walked. He perked up a bit. “Oh wow…it does help.”

“Yep. Gotta keep the oxygen flowing there. Now, try to stand up straight.”

“Ci…”

“Trust me. Unbend a bit. I’ve got you.” She rubbed his back as he straightened it, grimacing slightly.

“I feel like I’m gonna pop everything open.”

“You won’t…but this will make it easier to walk.”

“You’re a slave driver.”

Nick had to laugh at that. What he couldn’t figure out is why none of Brian’s nurses had told him this stuff and just let him walk in agony.

“I’ve heard that song and dance for years. Now hush up and breathe.”

“Breathing, breathing.” They continued silently down the hall with Brian squeezing Ciara’s hand if pain shot through him, but generally it was his best walk yet.

“Well, looky here…you went all the way!”

Brian slowly turned around amazed that she was right. His room was down the hall. The long hall. Now…could he make it back?

“Nick, you take him back…I’ll bring it up the rear.”

Nick’s eyes bugged out of his head and she offered him Brian’s hand. “Come on…help out your friend.”

And he did. Damn her. She always knew what was needed. The visit the day before was awkward and disjointed, partially due to Nick’s smooth entrance, but mostly due to his nerves and inability to just be Nick. He was scared to death. Ciara figured that her presence was giving him permission to wimp out. So now it was time to back off and make him look at this situation square in the face. Besides, as Brian got closer to his room, the comfort between the two boys returned. Ready smiles, friendly ribbing and genuine concern flowed freely and that was the best kind of medicine for anyone.

***

“You okay now that that’s over with?” Ciara plopped down on her bed, feeling stuffed from their meal at the hotel restaurant. And nervous about the night ahead of them.

Nick’s nerves had ruled last night and even though they did share a bed, it was definitely in the big sister/baby brother mode they’d known for years. Morning came and Ciara had snuck out again before Nick ever woke up. Mornings. Just too intimate.

Tonight? His nerves were gone and she was feeling the mood change. Worse yet, she thought she shouldn’t like it. But she did.

“Yeah…he’s gonna be okay, isn’t he?” Nick followed suit, falling on his own bed and curling around a pillow.

“Yep. How long ‘til you’re on the road again?”

“About eight weeks. We’ve got some promo before then though.”

“He’ll make it. He’ll tire out, but he’ll make it.”

“He should be able to wait ‘til he’s ready though, Ci. They won’t let him.”

“No?” She rolled to her side and propped herself up on her elbow hearing the mantra in her head again. Boy. Boy. Boy. Why couldn’t she see a boy? He was curled up around a pillow, long hair falling in his face, socks hanging off his feet from where he’d slid off his shoes and never bothered to readjust. All signs of a boy. And yet…his eyes. They were aging. Life experiences were aging and maturing him and it was sexy. Sexy? Jesus. Yes, he was sexy. Little Nicky was sexy and it was killing her minute by minute by minute.

“No. The fight he had to go through just to get time off for the surgery was ridiculous, Ci.

Heart surgery. Fuckin’ heart surgery and they were more worried about the bottom line than his health.”

“Damn…I had no idea they just wouldn’t let him. I kinda assumed that came from him.”

“Nope. They kept makin’ him wait.” Again, he mimicked her movement, letting go of the pillow and propping himself up on an elbow to look over at her on the other bed. What it was taking for him to stay put and not join her over there was beyond his comprehension.

“That’s not right. Are you guys gonna do something about it once he’s okay?”

“If we can, I think so. Look into management changes. Trying to dump Lou. He’s gettin’

too big of a cut. It’s nuts. This was supposed to be fun.”

“And it’s not anymore? Nick, you guys just got started!”

“I know. I mean, it is. I love performing. I love the guys. But this business shit. I feel like a zoo animal. Whip me and I’ll perform while the trainer rakes in all the cash. Get a sick animal? Work him ‘til he can’t work anymore or his mama threatens a lawsuit. It’s not right, Ci.”

Too much to deal with for an 18 yr. old. Too damned much. It made her heart hurt. It made her want to take care of him. It made her want…this was nuts. She sat up quickly and ran a hand through her hair. Snap out of it, Ci.

“So, let’s not think about it anymore. What do you want to do tonight?” Make love to you. “Um, I don’t care.” He rolled over on his back concentrating on the pattern of the ceiling tile to avoid hopping across to her bed. It was gonna be a long night, there was no doubt.

“Have you called Mandy since we’ve been here?” Okay, so that was cold. She had to divert her mind somehow.

“Uh, no…I guess I should, huh?”

“Up to you. I’m gonna go get some ice.” Yes, get me out of here.

While she was gone, he called. Big mistake. Mandy was more worried about what they were doing than how Brian was. Was it a red flag to Nick? No, not really. Did the fact that he didn’t miss her one iota phase him? Nope. He’d go back to her when they got home. Why? He couldn’t say. Had no idea. Because the truth was, the one he wanted was right here with him. Mandy was easy. Casual, comfortable easy. And maybe that’s why he liked it.

Ciara was comfortable, no doubt, but now on a much more complicated level. She knew him inside out and he loved that. But yet, being with her would just be one huge mess.

He knew it. And for tonight, he didn’t care. He was with her and dammit, he was going to squeeze every ounce of enjoyment out of it he could.

“Damn, you need a tour guide to find the ice machine around here!” She tossed the ice bucket on the desk and opened up the mini bar. “I suggest we start drinking heavily.”

“I can do that. Movie?”

“Movie. Yes. What are we drinking?”

They made drinks, changed for the night and snuggled in Nick’s bed for movies and just one drink. Both wanted to think clearly. Sorta. But clear thinking aside, before Ciara knew what hit her, she was lip locked with the boy/man. Very lip locked. This was more dangerous than before. Totally private room. Bed…room. No one looking for them until the plane took off tomorrow morning. And now all she could think of was how wonderful he tasted and felt and…dammit.

His hands made their way to her hair as the kiss deepened, tongues battling, bodies pressing together, legs intertwining. He trailed kisses along her jaw line and down her neck, savoring every inch as it was his first taste of her. It was driving her mad. He knew exactly what he was doing. Why the hell were the guys she was with at age eighteen such klutzes? Her hands slid up to his hair now and she moaned as they disappeared into the flaxen silky strands while feeling his tongue dance down her neck.

“Nick…baby…” She tried with all of her might to pull his head up to look at her. She didn’t want him to stop. He had to stop. “Please, Nick…look at me.” He couldn’t look up, knowing full well what would happen if he did. She’d be the voice of reason. He didn’t want to hear the voice of reason. He wanted Ciara and he wanted her now. Because he’d wanted her for years. Because she made Brian feel better. Because she listened to him…and never judged, never questioned, never laughed when his words would come out sideways. Because…because she was Cici. But finally, he conceded, looking into her green eyes amazed at how the different colored strands in them danced when she was worked up like this. “What?”

“We can’t, Nick. We just…” He couldn’t look any longer, so he went back to nipping at her neck and sucking gently on her earlobes. “God….”

His hands slid up her t-shirt finally touching the skin he’d been longing for since the night Aaron was sick in Orlando a few years ago. Soft, smooth, warm. Not the skin of Ciara, the friend, when they’d play and splash in the pool, but the skin of Cici…the woman. The object of his desire.

“Nick…please.”

“Don’t tell me you don’t want this, Ci.” More kisses to her neck as his hand slid up and…gasp…found a breast, softly, tenderly kneading it and finding her erect nipple just begging for his tongue to play with.

“Mmm…Nick. I do, I do…but, honey…” Jesus, he was good. As he started to slide her tshirt up, she finally grabbed at his arm and stopped him. “NO. Nick. Stop. Now.” She shimmied up to a sitting position, trying to pull him up with her. “Nick, we’ll regret this.

Please.”

He fell back on the bed totally frustrated. She was right. This was wrong. He didn’t care, yet he did. What the hell was going to happen now? They had all damned night yet and to say they were both worked up was an incredible understatement.

She got up and went over to her bed ignoring him as he reached for her. “Don’t, Ci…I’ll…I’m sorry. I just…” He buried his head in a pillow scared he’d done it again and possibly ruined everything.

“I know, Nick. I’m just confused. I’m still married, at least on paper. And you’ve got…” He pulled his head out of the pillow, peeking up with a look of? Disgust? No way…

“Mandy.”

“Yep. Mandy. And…Nick, I can’t lose you. Not that part of you anyway. We don’t know what will happen if we…if…” She couldn’t even say it. How the hell was she supposed to DO it?

“I know. I just want you so…” his mouth was moving faster than his mind. To hell with it.

“I want you, Ci. I can’t help it. Please don’t hate me for…for...”

“Hate you? Are you kidding?” Back to his bed she went, folding him up in her arms.

“Nick, I’ll never…there is no way…I just…” She pulled him back and held his face in her hands seeing three faces mixed into one. The little boy she first met, the boy/man before her now and deep in his eyes, the fully grown man waiting to come out and live and love and learn. She loved all three of them and was determined to be around to enjoy all three of them. “I just can’t risk what we have now, Nick. I need what we have now. I need you. Do you understand that?”

He silently nodded. He needed her too. She’d proven that to him today at the hospital.

He needed her sense, her maturity, and…her love. The rest, if it was to be would just have to wait. He’d wait. Someday, somehow, she’d be his.

“Come on, let’s go to sleep, huh?”

Another silent nod and he pulled the comforter out from under them, sliding in behind her and spooning her. Another first. Sure she had to feel the effect it was having on him pressing up against her back. But, he didn’t care. He wanted her to know how much he wanted her. He also wanted her to know that he’d wait. It wasn’t right now. Who knew when it would be. If it ever would be. But to keep her in his life, he’d wait. He’d wait forever if he had to.

Chapter Forty Eight

“It’s mooooooorninggggggggg!!!!!!”

“Oh sweet Jesus…what TIME is it?” Nick peeled away from Ciara’s back bouncing along with the little body at the foot of the bed. Did he used to wake up with this much energy?

If so, where the hell did it all go?

Ciara opened her eyes and squinted at the clock radio. “Um, it’s 7:15. Nate, hon…please stop bouncing.”

“But today’s the Aaron show! I’m gonna go play with him today!!!!!” Nick leaned in and whispered in Ciara’s ear, “Not if I kill him first.”

“Yes, today’s the day, but Nate…STOP!” She sat up and grabbed hold of the boy pulling him into a hug. “Please. We don’t like to wake up to bouncing.”

“Excuse me, Aunt Cici. Sawwy.” Nathanael snuggled up between his charges for the weekend a bit embarrassed at getting scolded so early in the day. He just couldn’t contain his excitement. He’d met Aaron briefly last night when they went to his hotel and got a couple of pictures and an autograph. Aaron had promised they’d play a bit after sound check and Nathanael hadn’t been able to talk about much else since. He didn’t even know what a sound check was!

“It’s okay…why don’t we get you in the bath and we’ll go get some of those yummy muffins in the bakery for breakfast, huh?”

“I dun wanna bath.”

“Aaron dun wanna play with a stinky boy. Bath time. Come on.” She scooped up her nephew and kissed Nick’s temple as he tried to cuddle further into the bed. 7:15. God’s not even up that early.

***

Long ass day. Fun day. Awesome concert. Exhausted little boy. Exhausted Aunt Cici and Unka Nick. They all had said their goodbye’s to Aaron after the show, stopped by McDonald’s for a late meal and crashed in the hotel room. Nick couldn’t figure out how watching his brother’s show made him more wiped out than performing at his own. The presence of a 5 yr. old? Still recuperating from being sick last week? No idea, but when Nathanael had finally silenced and he could curl up to Ciara’s warm body he didn’t care.

He just wanted to drift off into dream land feeling her body against his.

The next morning came very similar to the first. Tomorrow they were going to lock that damned door between the living room where Nathanael slept and the bedroom. The kid was killing them. But for now, tickles, giggles and groans started the day. After they’d settled the boy down with morning cartoons, Nick and Ciara could do what they loved to do best in the mornings…catch up on all the mornings they’d lost from years past.

Not sex…too risky with the boy, but just snuggles, soft talk, light touches and kisses. The intimacy they’d been so afraid of for years was worth the wait. As much as Ciara liked her own bed, she had finally decided she liked any bed with him in it rather than hers without.

She was laying on top of him of sorts…belly down, between his legs with her arms folded on his chest, letting him run his fingers through her hair while she swam in the blue of his eyes. “Mmmm…that feels good.”

“Good.” He could lay here all day like this, but today, he had another dream in mind.

One he hoped he could actually pull off. “You know what I’d like to do today?”

“Nope…what?”

“I want to be normal.”

“You? Normal? Oh honey, even if you weren’t a Backstreet Boy, YOU would never be normal!”

He bopped her on the nose with a knuckle and pulled her up next to him. “I’m serious, smart ass. I want to go sightseeing. Go see ‘Shitago’. That aquarium we saw online and go to the top of the Sears Tower and…find some cool, Chicago-only restaurant. Just…be normal.”

“You think we can, Nick? I mean, Aaron’s bodyguards left with him last night. You’re on your own.”

“Truthfully, I think they bring attention to me sometimes. I’ve got a goofy disguise I can keep handy, but yeah. I think I can. No one’s expecting me to be here.”

“Well, can I tell you a secret?”

“Yep.”

“I bought 4 tickets to the aquarium just in case. Figured Aaron would go with us or we’d steal one of his bodyguards or something.”

“You did?”

“Yeah…you were so excited when we looked it up earlier. Let me check online and see if anyone spotted you last night and we’ll go, huh?”

As soon as she scooted off the bed, Nick started bouncing on all fours, much like Nathanael had made a habit of doing. “We’re going to the aquarium! We’re going to the aquarium!!”

“Unka Nick! We’re not allowed to bounce on the beds!” What did Nick expect? For the kid to watch “Powerpuff Girls” or see Unka Nick bouncing around like a buffoon?

“I’m gonna go alone with Nate if you don’t behave, little boy. No bouncing.” Ciara laughed at the scene and signed on, quickly flying through the message boards she’d become familiar with over the years. No one had seen hide nor hair of Nick in the last few days. One obstacle hurdled anyway.

“Hey, I never did ask…what was the reaction after the cruise? Must not have been too bad.” Hopping off the bed, he bent down to look over her shoulder as she maneuvered through message boards and mailing lists looking for any indication they should stay hidden today.

“Nope. Nothing awful. I don’t waste my time at most places. Overall it was the ‘I’m glad he’s happy’ kind of thing. Commented on me being short and someone saw me taking my shot. A diabetic spoke up and cleared it up right away.”

“That diabetic didn’t happen to be you, did it?”

“I know nuttin’.” She winked and blew him a kiss, getting up to get dressed for their day on the town. Chi-town!

***~

“Okay, where in the HELL are we supposed to park?”

“Well, didn’t it say it was to the right back there?”

“Yes…but the aquarium is to the left. That makes no sense.” They’d had a car delivered after seeing the complicated mess it’d be taking in the L and wanting to give Nick his complete wish for being ‘normal.’ No vans, no limos, no special treatment. Just a nice rental car delivered to the hotel, thank you very much. Now, the trick was getting around town. Seemed easy enough thanks again to the internet and maps they found there…until the signs for parking just disappeared.

“Well, let’s go up here and turn it back around. Maybe we missed one.” Ciara looked behind her and snuck into the line of traffic to get herself turned around.

“It’s not a road trip ‘til you drive in circles and get lost.”

“I must have missed that memo.”

“You wanted to be normal, Carter? THIS is normal.”

“Are we lost!?” Panic had settled into Nathanael’s little head and try as he might, he wasn’t hiding it well.

“Not really, baby. We’ll be okay.”

“We’ll NEVER find it now! I wanna go hoooooooooome!!!!!!!!”

“Honey…we’ve found the aquarium. See? It’s right over there…we just have to find…god dammit! It’s telling me to go right again!”

“Then go right.”

“That makes NO sense, Nick.”

“I wanna go hhooooooommmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeee!”

“Nate, we’re not goin’ home. We just have to figure out where to stick this damned car.” She chose ‘straight’ and ended up needing to go around the block again. For the umpteenth time to be sure.

“No swearin’ Aunt Cici. Mommy’ll get mad.”

She looked at Nick waiting for some smart come back and all he could do was laugh.

Useless male. “Sorry, Nate…no swearin’. Which way do you want Aunt Cici to go? I obviously have no idea what I’m doin’.”

“Go left.”

What the hell? Left it was. And if by some miraculous change of events, they were suddenly in line with the parking. Signs were everywhere. Field museum here. Shedd’s Aquarium there. Where the hell had they been all along?

“Next time, Ci…ask the kid.”

“NEXT time you’re driving, laughing boy.”

“You kidding? We’d be in Lake Michigan by now.”

“Probably. Okay, here we go…my God. That took too much work. EIGHT DOLLARS!?” Why hadn’t Nick spent more time with this woman in all these years? This was a riot.

Unfortunately, outside of days fishing with his family, an occasional party with the guys and secret retreats at one or the other’s home or hotel room, they’d never really played together. Not like friends should. Hell, who HAD he really played with? Sadly…no one.

What a depressing revolution.

***

“Well, looky here, Nick! Sea grass!”

They made their way into the Seahorse Symphony after peeking into the dolphin show already underway. Sure enough, decorating the entire room from ceiling to floor were larger than life-sized strips of green fabric made to look like sea grass and kelp.

Looking up at a collection of the strips, he reached out and touched it. “Shaddup. I’ll never live that down, will I?”

“Don’t touch, Unka Nick.” What was this kid, the military police? Damn.

“No, nor should you, moron. How drunk were you, anyway?”

“Can we…not in front of the kid, please?”

“Mmmm…I dun think I wanna know.” She popped him in the behind and made her way further into the display, not having much interest in the ordinary run-of-the-mill seahorse. “Oooh…check this one out! It looks like a big ole twig! Nate, come ‘ere!” She turned to find her companions in a strange position. Nathanael was squatting down to Nick’s left calf and Nick was bent over, holding up his pant leg for the boy to look.

“Aunt Cici! Unka Nick has one of these on his leg!”

“Yep, he does…”

“I want one.”

“Uh, not ‘til you’re a grown-up, buddy. Your mom would kill me.”

“Hmph.”

“Forget the tattoos boys…come look at this silly thing.” Just what she needed. The nephew goin’ home dreaming of tattoos. Oh yeah, Sis would kill her alright.

Seahorses, penguins, the dolphin show from an underwater viewing area, Beluga Whales…and Pizza Hut. Total relaxation, a lot of fun and Nathanael had been nearly perfect. They couldn’t have ordered a nicer afternoon. Nick was gawked at now and again, but he just ignored it and no one approached. Whispers would follow but it seemed everyone respected that he was just trying to have a day with some friends.

After standing for a long time listening to one of the Beluga’s sing to visitors, Ciara was reminded that even the most perfect of afternoon’s were still clouded with her own little reality. Ugh.

“Nick, I need to go sit down somewhere. My hips and feet are killing me.”

“Oh, okay, the show’s gonna start. You just wanna go sit for that?”

“Yeah…come on, Nate, let’s get a good seat for the dolphin show.” She took his hand and walked as comfortably as she could to a low seat, trying to avoid climbing too many stairs. Nathanael was not to sit still though. Too much energy in that little body to wait another 15 minutes. Ciara had run out of sit-still games she’d use with patients and her hip was sending lasers of pain through her body. Patience was at a minimum.

“Nate, let’s go see the tide pool and sea otters, huh Bud? I think Aunt Cici needs a break from the boys.”

“Mmmkay.” Ciara got a kiss on each cheek from each boy and they were off. Damn, she hated this. She was leaning back on her elbows trying to will the pain out of her body when suddenly, she felt someone tapping her shoulder.

“’Cuse me, Miss?”

“Mmm? Yeah?” Teenagers. Young ones. Damn.

“I hate to bother you, but uh…is that Nick Carter you’re with?” Shit. “Come sit with me…” Talk to ‘em for a few, see if they’re excitable.

They willingly did, looking back to their parents for approval. Granted.

“What are your names?”

“I’m Jessie and this is my cousin Tara.”

Ciara reached out a hand to the girls, still leaning back on one elbow. “Hi Jessie and Tara.”

“So, is it him?”

“You big fans, huh?” Ciara sat up, trying to hide the discomfort taking over her lower half. Stone seating sucked.

“Yeah, we went to Aaron’s show last night and hoped he’d be there.”

“Ahhh, so you like Aaron too?”

“Oh yeah, he’s cute, but…we really love Nick.”

“He’s awful cute, no doubt…” She looked out across the show tank and the huge window that opened up into Lake Michigan. Such a brilliant design element, really. Now, how to deal with these girls? She didn’t want their day ruined at such an early point. They did seem somewhat calm though.

“So, is it him? I mean, it looks just like him and all.”

“Will you promise me something? And I mean, truly promise?”

“Yeah!” They knew it. It was him.

“You have to keep it to yourself until…tomorrow. Nick just wants to be left alone today, okay? Just wants to be normal. Can you be really cool fans and let him do that?” Their faces sank and lit up at the same time. But how could they deny that simple request? The prettier of the two spoke first. Tara? She’d already forgotten. “Yeah…okay.

I’m glad he’s getting some time out.”

“So is he. It’s been a nice day. I don’t want it ruined. Tomorrow you can tell everyone you saw him and we’ll be gone. Today…just let him be, okay?”

“Deal. Who’s the kid, by the way?”

Our love child. “That’s my nephew, Nathanael.”

“He’s sweet with him.”

“Yes…he’s comin’ back…you need to take your seat, girls.” Big smile. Now go away.

“Oh, yeah…okay. Thanks, Ciara!”

Jesus, they knew her name. Why that shocked her, she wasn’t sure. She’d been in the BSB camp since the beginning, but somehow had generally been hidden. Once that cruise ship hit land again, her name was out. Oh well. Small price to pay.

Nick and Nathanael came back just in time for the show to start. And what a neat show it was, especially since they had seen the dolphins’ activity from underneath only moments before. About half way through the show, the trainers took two young girls to a small island in the tank to have some interaction with the animals. Sure enough, it was Tara and Jessie. Too sweet. While they were doing their tricks, Ciara filled Nick in with their visit. He said nothing, just smiling, watching the girls and the dolphins, and twirling his finger in Nathanael’s hair. He was plotting.

The show ended and they decided to stay put and let the crowd disperse a bit just in case Ciara needed to move slowly. “You doin’ okay?”

“Yeah, a bit better. I need to get something to drink so I can take some more meds though.”

“K…let me do one thing first…” He got up and eyed his target, making his way to the two girls.

“Excuse me…do you have a pen I can borrow?”

Tara spun around hearing that familiar voice and almost screamed, but stopped seeing Nick put his finger to his lips and smiling. “Uh…yeah, hang on.” She pulled on her mom’s shirt and got a pen handing it to her idol.

“How ‘bout a program?”

“Yep, here.” She shoved it in his hand wondering if her breathing would ever return to normal.

Signing the program, he handed it back and smiled. “There you go. You did good out there.”

“Thanks…”

He leaned over and kissed each of them on the cheek and started to walk away. “Oh yeah…”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t forget your promise now, huh?”

“Nope. Our lips are sealed. Thanks sooo much!”

A wink, a smile and he was gone in the crowd. Okay, so being Nick Carter in public wasn’t SUCH a bad lot in life. He could think of worse things that’s for sure.

***

The Sears Tower was as tall as was the wait to get to the top of it. Thank God for a lull in the line for a short movie that gave room for Nick and Ciara to sit and room for Nathanael to run around a bit. Otherwise, one of the three just might have jumped from the 103rd floor. They were convinced. Ultimately, it was a trip worth taking.

The restaurant they had picked was nothing short of a riot. 50’s style diner, all the wait staff and help were actually cast members. Wild, loud table service and decorations, real milkshakes and delicious food. Nathanael loved it. Hell, all three of them loved it. The best part was when the wait staff got up on the bar right in front of them. Figuring that’d be a safe place to eat, backs turned to the main restaurant and all, they quickly found it was the center of attention. Right in front of Nick, danced a waitress. Joe Average in looks, decked out in her 50’s garb, boogying to “YMCA” smack dab in front of Nick. He was trying to be discreet and kept his gaze at Ciara and Nathanael, not the woman’s shins.

She wouldn’t have it.

“You will watch me dance!!!!!!!” Next thing Nick knows she’s shimmying her booty right in his face. Ciara was, as usual, no help. She and Nathanael were too busy laughing at the waitress’ shenanigans. Finally, Nick played along and casually sat with a dollar bill hanging from his fingers.

The waitress did not expect the customer to play along THAT well, snatched it up laughing and shoved it in her bra. The crowd roared. Somehow, they never knew who the playful blonde was. It was a hysterical ending to a perfect day.

Back to the hotel, a quick swim and before they knew it, morning came and everyone was buckled into their seats on an airplane again. It had been a great trip. But now, it was time to go home. Time to regroup and face the demons that awaited. The traveling had been nice, but it was time to settle down, breathe a little and face the future.

Chapter Forty Nine

“Home sweet home, Ci. You actually did it.”

“Yeah…I did, didn’t I?” Ciara stepped across the threshold to her new home still amazed it was hers. Totally. No rent, no shared walls, no landlord, no parents. Ciara’s house.

Soon to be Ciara’s home. “You can just put that box up in my bedroom, Dee. I’ll unload it tomorrow once we get everything in here.”

“Alrighty.”

Ciara took a quiet walk through the house mentally placing furniture, adding pictures to the walls, deciding which cabinet would hold the plates and which would hold the cups.

This time last year she felt trapped in a stupid marriage and trapped in a god-forsaken town. Now, she was back home in Tampa, working on finalizing getting Bill out of her life and financially secure enough to own her own home. To top it off, next week she’d start back up in the pedes unit and get out of the ER. Yep, things were looking up.

If only she felt better. Pain was her constant companion and it was getting old. She even had a few cortisone shots in her hands to help out so she could continue to give IV’s to patients. She was not going to quit work. It just wasn’t going to happen. That was her livelihood, not only financially but emotionally. It defined her. Wrong or right, it did. It was the only positive thing in her life TO define her.

Divorcee, cradle robber, diabetic, black sheep, and a few others she, to this day could not come to grips with. But, nurse was always there, and now she could add “homeowner.”

“Nurse” and “homeowner” at age 23. Eh, it could be worse. It could be “dead”. And now, as she spun around her kitchen with arms wide open rejoicing in the freedom she felt, she couldn’t be more happy she wasn’t dead. Another day? Might be different. But today? Alive was a good thing.

“Okay, box is up there, bed’s put together. You have your suitcase in your car?” Seeing her friend spinning like a jewelry box doll she had to chuckle. “Like the house much?”

“Deanna, I can’t believe I did this. I thought I was trapped. Forever. And I’m not. I’m not trapped!”

“No, sweetie. You’re not trapped.” What a goof. “I hate to break you out of your celebration, but who’s helping you tomorrow?”

“Oh…uh…just Dad and hopefully you and a guy from work. One load from storage, fill up cars with what I have at Mom and Dad’s and I should be good.”

“Okay…just makin’ sure you’ve got enough help.”

“Yep, I’m good. Let’s go…are we dressed okay enough to hit that bar up the way?”

“Yeah, I think it’s just a good ole boys’ place.”

“Perfect. I want me a good ole boy.”

***

And she got one. A tall, blonde haired, blue eyed, not too big, not too skinny red neck Texan. When he stumbled downstairs the next morning while she sat on a box eating a bowl of cereal, she almost choked up a lung. An old Nick. How in the hell had she brought home an old version of Nick and never noticed until now?

Oh yeah, because she was two sheets to the wind when he’d started nibbling on her neck and she invited him over. Might have something to do with it. What was his name again? Rex? Tex? Sex? Shit.

“Good morning.”

“’Mornin’. Where the HELL is your furniture?”

“I haven’t moved in yet. Lucky you…you’re my first.” I did NOT just say that.

“Mmmm…where’s the cereal?”

“Only box is on the counter. Hope you like Rice Chex.” Rob? Bob? Slob? Jesus, what am I doing?

“Nope. Look, I’m just gonna scoot. Thanks for uh…yeah. I’ll call ya’.”

“Yeah, thanks. No problem.” Thanks for what? Well, yeah…multiple orgasms are a good thing. Hadn’t been blessed with those in an age. Must be why she was so gracious. Jesus.

The Texan made his way upstairs and collected the remainder of his clothes and cowboy hat and left without another word. What the hell WAS she doing? One night fuck fests were not her cuppa tea…not that it was such a horrid thing. Just totally against her sense of morality…what little she had. Who was she running from? Running to?

Oh yeah, that tall, blonde haired, blue eyed, not too big, not too skinny BOY. Whose name she full well knew. Who was probably off fucking that Teenage Mutant Nincompoop. And, if she knew him right, he was thinking of her the entire time.

Obviously, she’d just been guilty of the same thing. This was not good. This was completely not good.

***~

Ciara was exhausted. Picking up her full schedule on the pedes unit the same week you move is not a good plan. But fulfilled? Oh yeah. Her house…her HOUSE was looking wonderful. Homey. Perfect. She’d blown a good wad of dough on knick-knacks, towels, drapes and even…just to start completely fresh, a new bed. Mattress, box springs and four poster bed. She needed one anyway and damn if it didn’t look perfect. No more one night stands in this baby.

After just about hanging herself on the guest bath’s shower curtain, she jumped hearing her doorbell ring. HER doorbell. She was giddy. Didn’t feel particularly foolish about it either, dammit. She’d earned giddy. Sliding into her old, beat up mouse slippers she flung the door open and gasped.

There before her stood a tall, blonde haired, blue eyed, not too big, not too skinny MAN, looking more adorable than any man should while coddling a black kitten.

“Nick! Baby! Come in!” Man…dammit. He’s supposed to be a boy.

“Hey! Meet Lexie. She needs a home and I thought you might have an extra room.”

“Are you…? Nick!?” She backed away from the door letting him in and scooped the kitty from his arms. She was beautiful. He was…well, never mind.

“Heya Lexie. Where’d you come from?” She scratched the kitten’s ears and sighed as the feline purred contentedly and snuggled deeper into her new owner’s arms. “Nick, you didn’t have to…”

“I know, but…well…just enjoy her, huh? Every house should have an animal in it to love.”

“Thanks.” She leaned up on her tip toes and kissed his cheek, holding his gaze an extra moment trying to drink him in, to work out all of her conflicting emotions that surrounded this boy/man.

The trip to Lexington had ended much like New York City had. She woke before him, slid on clothes and ran downstairs for a hotel breakfast before he was awake. Then, uncomfortable packing and flight home. They’d spoken only once since. Now it was time for the tour to kick off yet again. She missed him already. He missed her already.

He didn’t want to go. Because of the way they’d treated Brian’s surgery, management issues had blown into lawsuit proportions. They were somehow going to have to tour with that hanging over their heads. Nick had enough management issues of his own trying to get his ties cut from his mother. Then this. He just wanted to camp out in Ciara’s guest room while the grown-ups whined and cried. He’d sign whatever he needed to sign when they were all done. Made him sick.

Putting the cat down to do her own investigating, she finally pulled him in all the way to see the house. “Come on…let me take you on a tour.”

“Okay…this looks great, Ci.”

“Yeah, I’m kinda proud of it.”

“You should be.” She led him through the obvious rooms, kitchen, bathroom, guest bedroom that she was going to make into an office and a mudroom with washer and drier. A perfect place for a liter box. Then, her favorite treasure, the second floor. You just didn’t come by two-story homes with much ease in Florida and typically you paid out the nose for them. She lucked out. Up here was another guest room, bathroom and master suite. Not huge, but perfect for a single woman. And decorated just like he imagined it would be. Easy, comfortable, warm colors.

“OH! I have a liter box and stuff out in the truck. Where should we put it?

“In the mudroom…Did you name her? I like it.”

“Yeah, reminded me of our trip to Lex…Lexie.” He shrugged and blushed. “I liked that trip.”

“Me too. How is Brian doing?”

“Okay. He’ll have oxygen ready for him for a few weeks should he need it.”

“Damn…maybe he’s not ready yet.”

“I know, but…we’ve gotta do it. There’s no choice.”

She just shook her head at the audacity of it. Trained animals was right. Hell, some people treated their animals better. Hopefully they’d be able to break free before someone else’s life was adversely affected. If they weren’t careful they weren’t gonna have a zoo to manage. “I was gettin’ hungry. Take me to dinner?”

“That’s the other reason I’m here. Takin’ off for Orlando tomorrow and wanted to say

‘goodbye’.”

“Ah yes…’goodbye’. My least favorite word.”

***

So she didn’t say it. “Go, now…before we do something stupid. Out. Now.” Something to that degree. Dinner was fun, sweet, typical. But standing by the door as he left, she suddenly felt like a teenager kissing her date good-bye while Daddy watched from the upstairs hallway. Eager, passionate kisses, groping hands both knowing they had no business doing it, but going for it anyway. Somehow the forbidden was always more desirable.

And now it was 2 months later and she could still taste him on her lips. Still feel the warmth of his hands on her back, bottom and breasts. When did this happen? When did Nick become an obsession? A distraction? And what the hell was she going to do about it? He was god-knows-where right now, probably meeting up with Mandy and keeping that relationship alive and once home he’d be jet-setting all over getting another record cranked out and the whole process would start again. Why would she want to be a part of that life in any capacity other than what she’d known all along?

It didn’t help that she’d been watching their lives via the internet and seeing that everything was beginning to unravel just as their place in the music scene was being sewn up. One of their best, most loved producers died only weeks before. They couldn’t stop. She almost called him, but didn’t. Then, she sat laughing and yes, crying while watching them on “Regis” and then again at the MTV Video Awards. Her pride swelled and she missed him so much. Finally, the phone call.

“Hello?”

“Cici…it’s Nick.”

“Hey baby! How are…Nick…are you okay?” Was he crying?

“No. I’m not. Cici…I know this sounds insane, but…is there anyway you can get out here.

Meet us somewhere?”

“Oh honey, I don’t know. You’re not gone much longer, are you?”

“Well, no…I just…I can’t take this shit anymore. I need you, Ci.” Desperately. He needed her level head. He felt like a train-wreck waiting to happen. Too many temptations out there this time. Too many opportunities to fuck it up. And now, home was a mess too.

He didn’t want to deal anymore. He needed her. Now.

“What’s going on, Nick?”

“Howie…his sister died. He found out right after the awards the other night.”

“Oh shit, Nick…”

“Yeah, so he flies out and he’s got to be back on stage tonight. TONIGHT! No time for his family. No time to get it together, nothing. They don’t give a shit about us, Ci.”

“Is he okay?” Howie….sweet Howie. And she had Lupus. Ciara knew this already. In their phone calls now and again, he’d been bugging her to get tested for it because some of Ciara’s physical ailments sounded very similar to those of his sister. She still hadn’t asked her doc about it. She didn’t want to deal with it. She didn’t want to know. Wasn’t anything they could do about it anyway. What was the point?

“No, he’s not. He’s just goin’ on auto-pilot, Ci. I just…I mean, it’s not me, but I’ve got tons of shit with my parents and Mandy’s bein’ a pain in my ass and…” He stopped and she could hear him sniffling in the background trying to get it together.

“Let me look at my schedule sweetie, but I really don’t think…” She pulled out her calendar and sure enough, there was no way. “Nick, honey…I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, okay. I knew I was graspin’ here. I’ll be home soon. I’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, you’ll be okay. Let me give you my schedule so you can call whenever, huh?”

“You don’t have to…I’m **sniff** I’m fine. Really. Just hearing your voice has helped.”

“You have something to write this down on? Just take it.”

“Hang on…” She heard the phone hit a table and shuffling around in the background along with more sniffles and snuffs. How she wanted to work this out, but there was no way. Hell, she wanted to go be with all of them. They all needed a Mommy right now.

“Mmm-kay, I’m here. Hit me.”

He took down her schedule and promised to keep in touch now that he’d worried her to no end.

And he did keep in touch. Until he got home. Then, when she figured he’d come knocking on her door, he was miraculously silent. He didn’t call. He didn’t come over.

He didn’t even return her calls. What the hell?

At her wits end with worry and yes, with desire, she called the one person who had them figured out from the beginning. He’d talk. He’d help. He had to.

***

“Cuz he’s bein’ an ass? I have no idea, Ci. I mean, we’ve been all over recording and stuff, but I know he used to call you regularly.”

“Yeah, typically. I’m being stupid, AJ…I really am.”

From the first phone call years ago when she was bored ‘til now, AJ knew. He got it before Ciara ever suspected anything. He saw the way Nick looked at her before Nick even realized what was going through his head. And he saw how she took care of him and let her guard down enough to let him take care of her. AJ was a hopeless romantic…and these two were destined. He decided to put himself in the position of helping that along in any way he could. Stealing t-shirts for Ciara, filling her in on where they were and what they were doing when Nick would prove his age and forget to keep in touch with her. Some day, some way these two were going to be a couple and AJ was going to make sure it happened. If it killed him.

“No…he’s the one being stupid. That chick has him by the balls.”

“Nice. I needed to know that.” Heaving a sigh and plopping herself down on a kitchen chair, she buried her face in her free hand. Why couldn’t she just be happy nabbing dumb rednecks at the local bar? This took too much work. “Fuck me AJ. This is nuts.

He’s smarter than that…what the hell is he doing with her?”

“You don’t wanna know, Ci. You really don’t.”

The guys hated Mandy and who Nick was when he was with her. He’d changed. But only in her presence. When she was gone, Nicky was back. When Ciara was around, Nick was great. But now he was pulling away from her and it scared AJ to death.

“Jesus. I need to leave him be then. He’s got enough shit. But you should have heard him the last few times he called. He was a mess.”

“I know, Ci. It’s just not good all around, hon. We’re all dead. Lou has us by the balls forever now, we have no management yet, we’re tired….I don’t know what’s gonna happen.”

“So now what do I do? How totally fucked up am I that I need an 18 year old in my life like this?”

AJ took a long drag from his cigarette hearing what she was really saying for the first time. This went beyond concern for Nick. “You okay, sweetie?”

“No. I’m not. I mean, I will be, but…it’s just been a mess. I feel like…oh you don’t want to hear this.”

“I do if you wanna talk, Ci. You know that.”

“Yeah…I guess I don’t wanna even think about it. Both of our lives are a mess. It’s probably just as well he’s disappeared.”

“No, it’s not. This is when you two should be there for each other. You always have.”

“Mmmm…for the most part, yeah. Him more than me. I keep lots of stuff from him.”

“That’s possible, but hon…trust me. You’re not being totally informed either.”

“He’s not obligated to tell me shit. All I know is now I have this need for him I’ve never felt before…or realized anyway. But, I’m not gonna go chasin’ him around the world...or Tampa for that matter.”

“Lemme talk to him.”

“Mmmm….I feel like I’m in junior high. ‘Go tell Nick I like him’. I need my head examined.”

“Would you STOP!? I’m not gonna let him know we’ve talked, woman. I’m dumb; not stupid.”

“No comment.”

“You know, I could jack this whole thing up for you. I’d be nice to Uncle AJ if I were you.”

“Eat me, AJ.”

“I’ve offered, baby but you’re not interested.”

“I love you, you know that?”

“Yep. Now shut up and let me see what I can do to smack some sense into this twerp for you. Leave it to you to go for the one who lives in the clouds.”

“I like the clouds.”

“Which is why he’s crazy for you. Now go…go…go heal some kids and I’ll go smack Nick around.”

“Thanks for listening, J.”

“Anytime….see ya’!”

She did feel like a lovelorn junior high school girl. In everyway. Talking to his friends to find out what he’s doing, losing sleep because she can’t get his last kiss off her mind and can’t get the dreams of the next one out of her sleep when she does achieve it. It was nuts. Besides, she was worried about this girlfriend and the effect she seemed to be having on him. Jealousy aside…what was AJ talking about with him changing in her presence? It couldn’t be good. Their business lives were in a shambles. She’d been following the details online like she always had. Lou Pearlman was now a Backstreet Boy…at least on paper. One sixth of their money would go to him. It wasn’t right, but at least…well, somehow it seemed better anyway. Had to make record-making a major pain in the ass though.

But, she couldn’t worry her fool head over it all the time. She had her own problems.

Collectors were up her ass because the day she left, Bill decided to play some financial games. She thought she’d kept it pretty separate, but in his typical conniving fashion, he’d figured out some loopholes and now was screwing with her credit. She was getting the calls and he was out playing. She’d finally bought her house and now things were falling apart thanks to him. If the divorce would finalize, she could get them off her back.

Until then, her hours awake, if they weren’t at doctors offices, were plagued with phone calls to and from companies trying to clean up the mess he’d left her in one short year.

Bastard.

Finally, just when she thought it never would, it happened. She walked out of the courthouse with final divorce papers and her old name. So, why wasn’t she happy? Why wasn’t she celebrating? Why did she feel like complete shit? She declined the invitation to a celebratory lunch with Deanna and just crawled home and in bed. She had a house and a job. Period. Otherwise, she had nothing. Where “homeowner” and “nurse” had been enough to happily define her only months before, now It wasn’t. It was probably all she’d ever have. She felt like a complete failure.

Pulling the blankets up over her head to settle in for a long nap, she startled when her doorbell rang. Somehow in the few months she’d been here, the excitement over hearing HER doorbell had withered away. After considering just burying her head and ignoring it, she reluctantly got out of bed hearing the doorbell give way to almost frantic knocking.

“I hope they don’t want perky, dammit.”

Looking down at her delightful state of dress, she shrugged and opened the door. And her heart stopped. A tall, blonde haired, blue eyed, not too big, not too skinny…Nick.

“I couldn’t stay away any longer, Ci. I tried. I really tried.”

Chapter Fifty

“Well, you’re here just in time. Get in here, Carter!” She pulled him in by his shirt sleeve and planted a kiss on his questioning lips.

“What’s goin’ on?”

“We’re watchin’ Sesame Street!” She was skipping? Okayyyyyy….

“And you’re excited about this?” He stumbled along behind her, tripping up stairs as she continued to lead him by his shirt sleeve. What the hell?

“Yep. Come on. We’re camped out in my room.”

Camped out was right. She’d made breakfast for Nathanael and herself, serving it on bed trays, brought up extra pillows, books, toys. Over Sesame Street?

“Aw man…you’re havin’ a bedroom party without me!”

“Poor baby…I’m sorry.” She jumped up on the bed much to the delight of Nathanael and smacked the spot next to her inviting Nick in. “Come on…..Big Bird’s doin’ something here.”

“Why the new obsession with Sesame Street?”

“Cuz today there’s a special guest!” She winked at Nick and put up a finger to quiet him when and if realization dawned on him.

“Do you know who it is, Unka Nick? She won’t tell me.”

“Uh, no….I don-…oh! Oh! OH! Yeah, I think I might. Just hang tight.” He snuggled into Ciara’s neck not really wanting to see this anyway. “You’re nuts.”

“Mmmm…yes, I am. Now,” she shrugged him off and grabbed the remote, “back off Bucko. I gotta tape this.”

“Tape it? What the hell for?”

“Unka Nick…watch your mouth. Big Bird….clap in rhythm! Ugh. He’s so silly.”

“Because I tape everything you guys do. Always have.”

“No way.”

“Way…move…check this out.” She climbed over him stealing just one more kiss and disappeared into her closet grunting and groaning as she scooted back out backwards pulling a heavy box.

“Ci…what are you… God, woman. Let me help you.”

“It’s ELMO!!!!!” Nathanael was jumping up and down on the bed and Ciara stopped pulling and plopped on the bed.

“What the….”

“UNKA NICK!!!!!!!!!! IT’S YOU!!!!!!!!! You met ELMO!?” Okay, so maybe this wasn’t so bad. “Yep. He’s pretty cool.” Nick sat down and cringed all the way through the song. He’d felt so silly doing it, but he couldn’t deny it was fun.

“Hey….who’s the purple chic? You holdin’ out on me?”

“Oh, yeah, uh…she was before we got back together, Ci…you know how it is.”

“Mmmm…floozy muppet.” Ciara grabbed the remote and stopped recording kissing Nick’s cheek again. “You were fantabulous, Unka Nick.”

“Gee, thanks…now, what the hel-…heck is in this box?”

“Open it up.”

So he did. Video tapes. Tons of them. All marked with titles and dates even arranged in chronological order. Ciara could be a bit obsessive with her organizational skills. “Jesus, Ci…how many years worth of stuff is this?”

“One smalllll voice……” Nathanael caught on quick. To one line. Only.

“Um, started in 1997 I think. Whenever you showed up on American TV. I have some from friends I’ve made online in Canada before that though.”

“One smallllll voice!”

“Have radio interviews and stuff on cassettes in there too.”

“Good God…you’ve got…damn, I don’t even remember this stuff!”

“One smalllllll voice!”

“Honestly, neither do I. But I like to have it. Nate, honey, please…”

“One smallllll voice!”

“Ugh. I kept up with you this way. That and AJ and the internet.”

“I had no idea…we should watch some of this some time.”

“One smallllll voice.”

“Sure…it’d be fun. NATE!” She calmly handed the bed trays to Nick and tackled Nathanael, tickling him furiously. “Off switch, big guy. We need to find your off switch.”

“It’s broken.” He wiggled his way out from under Ciara’s attack and hid behind ‘Unka Nick’.

“I see that…time for a bath. Mommy’s comin’ to pick you up today.”

***

“This is the beluga whale that was singin’ to us, and uh…here’s some of the show. The dolphins all jumped really high, like at Sea World.”

Ciara’s sister just sat quietly listening to Nathanael tell the tales of his week through the pictures they’d had developed. She’d enjoyed her cruise, but did spend way too much time worrying about her son being in Ciara and Nick’s care. She was beginning to see the foolishness of it all. Sort of.

“Then we went to the top of this REALLY big building. As tall as the ones those mean men crashed in New York. We could see everything from up there. We even saw the aquarninum from up there.”

Looking to her sister with fear-filled eyes, “You went to the top of Sears? Isn’t that a little risky nowadays?”

“Why? It’s fine…you know, you really need to lighten up. He had a blast. He’s here.

We’re safe. What’s the problem?”

“No problem, it just…”

“And then Unka Nick gave a dancing waitress a dollar. She put it in her shirt!”

“OOOKKKAAAYYY, Nate! Let’s go check your bedroom and make sure you got everything.” Nick had been sitting watching the scene before him amazed at Ciara’s sister’s attitude. However, he did not need the interrogation that was bound to follow Nathanael’s little announcement. How in the hell did Ciara come from the same blood line as this woman? Night and day.

Watching the two boys go up the stairs, Nick on his feet, Nathanael hanging from Nick’s hands by his feet, Ciara couldn’t help but laugh. They were a great little team. To avoid any further thought of Nick and kids, she shook her head and busied herself in the kitchen hoping sis would miss the comment from her son.

“What is he talking about? And since when is his name ‘Nate’?” Well, she hoped anyway. “That’s what Nathanael wants to be called. His words. As for the dancing waitress…well, we took Nate to a strip joint after the Aaron show. Pics will come in tomorrow if you want me to send ‘em.” Cheesy grin. What did she think anyway?

“Fine, be a little bitch about it.” Noticing a missing element in her world, Ciara’s sister spun around frantically. “Where’s Rachel?”

“No idea, sis. I thought you always knew where your kids were.” Ciara was lucky she wasn’t breaking dishes, she was so frustrated. She’d given up an entire week for this woman’s kid, took him on a great trip, had no problems with him and this is the thanks she got. The fucking Spanish Inquisition.

Looking around downstairs and finding nothing, Ciara’s sister made her way back upstairs. What she’d find just might change her view of this pop star forever.

Draw me the night said the rainbow.

And the artist drew a dark night.

Draw me the moon, said the night.

And the artist drew a full moon.

Draw me a star, said the moon.

The three “children” were sitting on the floor, Rachel in Nick’s lap helping to hold the book open and Nathanael at his side holding a stuffed airplane under his arm. For the next part, Nathanael’s little hand covered Nick’s as they traced the star in the book.

Down, over, left, and right, draw a star oh so bright.

Nathanael “read” the next line.

It was a good star, Unka Nick..

“Yes, it was…”

Hold on to me said the star to the artist.

Then, together they traveled across the night sky.**

“Draw me a star, Unka Nick…can you draw that star?”

“Yep, Aunt Cici taught me…you have your pad of paper in your bag?”

“Yep…I’ve got the one you bought me in here somewheres…” He clamored up seeing his mommy standing at the door. “Oh! Hi, Mommy. Nick and me’re gonna draw a star!”

“I see that…you okay with them both?” Okay, so maybe she was being a bit judgmental.

He was a kid magnet.

Nick looked down at the brown curls under his chin and smiled. “Yep. Looks that way.

You need to go?”

“Soon…go on…” Ciara finally had finished downstairs and came up to join the scene.

He’d suck her sister into his magic yet, wouldn’t he?

“Okay, Unka Nick…got it here.”

Nick took the pad and put it over the book. “Okay, Rachel you help too.” She curled her teeny hand over Nick’s and Nathanael laid his on top of his sisters. “Let’s do it now…down, over, left and right…”

“Draw a star…oh so bright! We did it!!!”

“It was a good star!”

“YAY!” Rachel wasn’t totally sure why everyone was so happy, but she had to chime in somehow.

“Let mommy see, Nate.” There, she said it. And she was rewarded with a big grin.

“Here, Mommy.” He got up and brought her the pad. “And I like Nate, huh? Mafameel is too hard to say.”

“Yes, Nate will work. A very good star. You two ready to go?”

“Yep…let’s go home, Mommy.”

As Nick stood back up, he smiled uncomfortably at the woman. He had no idea what she hated so much about him, but wish she’d just give him a chance. He was just a guy. Okay, not a normal guy…he had more baggage than the belly of an airplane, but to Ciara anyway, he was just a guy. Isn’t that all that mattered? Not really wanting to deal with her any further, he kissed Ciara and led the pack downstairs bags slug over his shoulders.

“Nick?”

“Yeah?” Now what?

“Thanks. I’ve…I’ve not been fair.”

He just shrugged. What was he supposed to say? ‘No you haven’t. You’ve been a bitch to your sister and to me.’ Uh, no. “It’s all good. You’ve got great kids. Oh, and keep the book. I bought it for him anyway.”

Everything was gathered and everyone under 4 ft. tall and their mother was shoved out the door…finally. “Bye Unka Nick! Bye Aunt Cici!”

As Ciara watched them buckle in and drive away, her thoughts couldn’t help but travel to the place she typically left closed off, but had been haunting her all week. It was a place she didn’t like to go. A place she had yet to take Nick. Not wanting to bring him there quite yet, she planted a fake smile on her face and kissed Nick’s cheek, ruffling his hair as she made her way back inside.

“I’m gonna run up and take a long, quiet bath. Will you wait for me?”

“Yep…I’m here.” Something just shifted in her, he could tell. “You okay?” Damn him and that question…always pried to her heart. “Yeah…just tired now that he’s gone. I won’t be long.”

He let her go. Something was up. But, he’d learned. She’d talk when she was ready.

Besides, he had enough shit waiting for him starting tomorrow. No more trips with Ciara to block it out. It was time to get to work again. And to get back to normal. Normal scared him. Always seemed to lead him into trouble.

***

“Ahhhh…that helped!”

“Woah…look at you!” He had never seen her wear the kimono he’d bought her in Japan.

Emerald green. Matched her eyes. And draped loosely around her naked body as she towel dried her hair…dear god. “Come talk to me.” He held out a hand and pulled her to the couch, taking over the job of drying her hair, rubbing the towel softly over her head and finally tossing it aside.

“Mmm…that felt good. You need to do that more often.”

“Anytime. Can you tell me something?” He ran his hand through her wet curls, putting them back in place and fluffing them out like he’d seen her do so many times.

“I can try…”

“Your sister. Is it me?”

“No, it’s her.” She took his hand from her hair and kissed his fingers. “She’s threatened by anyone who makes me happy. Always has been.”

“Why? Don’t you want your family to be with someone who makes them happy?”

“Well, most people, yeah. My family…it’s weird, Nick. They’ve taken me being sick to such an odd place. It’s like it’s their hold on me. No one else gets it like they do. No one’s allowed to get it.”

“But, Ci…they don’t get it! You’re not a cripple. You don’t need to be treated with kid gloves.”

“I know and that’s why I choose to be with you, Nick. I don’t need their protectiveness.

And I don’t need approval either. I really don’t.”

“I know…it just bugs me. My family’s so screwed up, but damn, we don’t treat each other like that.”

Ciara shrugged. As much as it irritated her, she was used to it. Tired of it, too, but now that she was here alone with him, she didn’t give a damn. She leaned into his chest, sighing as his arm wrapped around her, pressing the cold silk against her skin.

“Hey…listen to that…”

“What?”

“Shhhh…just listen…..”

“Ci…”

“Shhhhh….”

Breathing, the tick of her grandfather clock, the rhythm of the ceiling fan motor. “What is it, Ci?”

“You hear it? Silence. He’s gone. It’s just you and me again.”

“Oh…yeah…it is, isn’t it?” He looked down to her green eyes gazing up at his. Yep. Just Cici and Nick. Just the way he liked it.

Chapter Fifty One

Ciara smiled and snuggled deeper into Nick’s chest, bringing her feet up beside her on the couch. This is what she needed. Quiet. With Nick. She never had to talk for him to know her heart. Neither did he. They both just wanted quiet and understanding. They both were stinging from their own set of heartaches. They’d share. They’d talk. But now, they were quiet just letting the comfort of his arms around hers, and the feel of her head on his chest say all that needed to be said.

As the lull of the ceiling fan motor began to hypnotize them, he broke the silence with a giggle.

“What?”

“You need new slippers. Those mice have had it.”

“Um, yeah…” She sat up straight and kicked her feet out in front of her, letting the heel of the slipper pop off and dangle. “Lexie likes their ears. She nibbles on ‘em when I watch TV.”

No more words again…he just pulled her back and wrapped his arm around her again, sighing as she curled up to his chest and silently wondering if they could just stay like this forever. Everything on his mind, in his heart, in his life just washed away whenever he had her near. And she was feeling the same. The feelings of failure, of rejection, and even the physical pain just seemed to disappear. So why not…

She slid out of his arms and stood up, pulling him to stand with her. Nick looked at her expectantly, not sure what she was doing, anxious to find out. She tugged on his hands, pulling him backwards toward the stairs, but he stopped her and blurted out what had been cycling around in his head since she’d invited him in…what he had to get out before one more minute had passed.

“I’m so sorry, Cici.”

She shook her head and put a finger to her lips. “Shhh…no words now. I wanna show you something.”

She had no idea why she was doing this, but her decision had been made. How it would change things between them was unknown and at this moment, she couldn’t believe it’d be a negative thing. He had been her strength, her comfort, her liveliness for over 7

years now. Yeah, so he was in the dark with some of her health issues…some of her life issues. But the true heart, her true being, he owned. He had it. Knowing how much he was hurting in his life now, when he’d always been the happy one, made her want to just jump in and help. Take two wrongs and make a right, maybe?

She led him to her bedroom, but he stopped at the doorway, pulling her back into the hall.

“Ci…” His heart was racing, his mind was racing. His feet were frozen. How can you be afraid of something you want so desperately? ”Come on. It’s in here.” He swallowed hard and closed his eyes, finally letting her pull him inside. As his body passed from hall to bedroom, he felt almost a physical shift, like passing through a sheet of water or thick air as in a dream. Yeah, he’d been in here before…for a house tour.

Truth was, he hardly looked then because even then it just about killed him. He’d been in her bedroom in the apartment before too, but somehow this one seemed forbidden.

Maybe it was the four poster bed. Maybe it was because she owned it. A totally adult thing…maybe…maybe it was because he completely knew what he wanted to happen in here. He’d dreamt it, he’d…yeah…he had many scenes laid out in here in his mind.

Whatever it was, once he passed through that barrier, he knew…she knew, their relationship would never be the same again.

She led him to the chest-of-drawers and pulled a manila envelope from the top, handing it to Nick. “Here…look inside.”

As his eyes continued to question, he took the envelope and pulled out a small packet of papers. Glancing at the legal mumbo jumbo on the pages, he put two and the-party-of-the-first-part together and figured it out. “It’s final.” He couldn’t muster more than a whisper from his voice. It seemed appropriate anyway.

“Yep. I’m Miss Watkins again. He’s gone, Nick. Out of my life for good.” As a smile spread across Nick’s face, he could see that the gleam in his eye and his heart wasn’t being shared. “You okay?”

“No.” She took the packet and envelope from him putting the past away…or at least up on her bureau and took hold of his hands again looking into his eyes wondering what was going to happen next. “But I feel better with you here.” And there they stood, hand in hand, eye in eye, heart in heart. Their breathing matched exactly…shallow, quick, excited, nervous. Finally, she broke eye contact and looked down at her hands resting in his, watching his thumbs rub gently over her knuckles willing her tears to stay in their ducts. No tears now. Later. Now, she just wanted to feel alive and well and complete. Could he do that for her? Could she do that for him?

Letting one of her hands go, he trailed its finger up her stomach, softly grazing her breast and landing on her chin. He lifted her face up to meet his again, both getting lost in the anticipation they found in one another’s eyes. Once more, minutes passed as their breathing continued in rhythm and they searched for the words, the movements, the actions to fit the moment.

Still only able to summon a whisper, he finally spoke. “So, what do we do now?” Two more breaths passed. Three. Four. His finger left her chin as his hand slid under her hair and caressed the side of her neck. Finally, her lips parted and she uttered the only coherent words running through her head. “We kiss.” This time his smile was matched and somehow he found the will within to spend one more second taking it in, admiring the shimmer in her eyes as the soft skin surrounding them wrinkled in play. But then, he could wait no longer. She could wait no longer. He leaned down, she lifted up and their lips met in the kiss that would make their world spin. This was the kiss with no end. The kiss of resolving temptation not frustrated wanting as it had been in the past. The kiss…of lovers.

Soft, gentle kisses blended with a soft, gentle embrace as her hands slid up his stomach and chest to cup his neck and allow her fingers to tangle in the ends of his long, silken hair. Their bodies didn’t yet touch. It was too soon. Every motion, every sensation was to be savored and right now, it was only beginning.

He gently ran his tongue along her bottom lip causing the softest of moans to escape her parted lips. Finally tongue met tongue and their bodies naturally pressed together loving the lure of the moment, wanting all barriers to disappear so it could all just happen.

Right now the barrier was height. She was a good foot shorter than he and as wonderful as the beginnings of their time together were, they were uncomfortable. She reluctantly pulled away from his kiss and led him to the bed, never losing eye contact, never letting go of his hands. She sat on the edge and scooted back as he just stood by and watched, waiting for an invitation. Which he got. No words, just a shy smile and a curl of her index finger. Jesus.

He approached her, wondering if his legs would actually function and let them lead him to the foot of the bed. He stood watching her a few more moments, hanging onto a bed post and finally leaning his head on it., drinking her in. Totally taken with the reality of what was to come, he fought the battle of “hot sex” and “slow love making”, partially because he was scared to death of the slow stuff. Could he make it? Could he last? Could he satisfy her? And the constant question…should they be doing this anyway?

Finally he lowered his hands on the bed and crawled toward her straddling her legs with his. He was beautiful. Hair falling in his eyes, desire pouring out of them as they glistened a deep blue, peeking behind the blonde curtain. As he towered over her he brought one hand up and touched her face again, almost in disbelief. Definitely in disbelief.

“What are we doing, Cici?” So soft. So desirable.

A seductive smile spread across her lips and she ran her hand up his perching arm to meet his face as well, brushing a few strands of hair back to their rightful spot. Yes, it was time. “We’re changing everything, Nick.”

He silently nodded, amazed at how their breath could be so equal, so measured. His hand fell down to her chest, feeling the rise and fall of it match his own. And then, lower still, smiling at the tattered feel of a worn emblem on yet another of his old shirts and then the change from soft skin to erect nipple as he continued to caress her.

He finally allowed his eyes to break from hers, looking down at his hand as it worked and kneaded her breast, watching her body slowly move into his hand. Wanting to feel her flesh…to see her, he moved back down her body, almost stepping off the bed again to find the edge of her shirt hem. What he found were two beautiful, creamy white thighs peeking out from the hem and he had to touch. Had to feel.

Keeping the kneading motion he’d used on her breast, he massaged both thighs while sliding his hands up and under the hem of her shirt, kissing the skin as it peeked out from under the fabric. He skipped the “forbidden zone” for now…too soon…too nervous…and gingerly slid the t-shirt up over her stomach continuing to cover her with kisses, licks and nibbles.

Dipping his tongue in her belly button and smiling at the way it made her body squirm he suddenly stopped all motion. The next push of fabric would take him to a new place with her. Thighs and tummy he’d seen for years. But now…now she was right. They were changing everything. Closing his eyes to shut out the milky skin beneath him, he laid his head down on her stomach, fear and concern and honestly…a little bit of embarrassment giving way to the desire of the moment.

“Nick?” She ran her hand through his hair, coaxing him to look up but he wouldn’t.

“I’m being stupid, I know it…”

“How’s that? You’re…this is…Nick…” She moved her body around a bit again wanting to see his face. What was going on in his head? She’d never felt more beautiful or desirable in her life…how could he be so unsure?

“I feel like…like I need to ask permission before going any further.” He kissed her stomach again, but wouldn’t lift his head.

Smiling at the blonde head so sweetly laying on her, she brushed his hair back again loving its coolness contrasting with the warmth of his scalp. She found his cheek and gently pulled his face up. “Come here, Nick…please.”

He finally did, getting up on all fours again but hanging his head afraid he wouldn’t be able to go through with this. She was going to laugh at him…or be reminded at what a child he really was. This wasn’t happening. Wishes like this never came true.

“Look at me.” She pulled his chin up with a finger much like he had with her earlier and waited until his eyes were firmly planted in hers. Fear. Yup. “Nick…you have my permission.” She leaned up and captured his lips for a brief kiss and laid back down again, gently urging his head back to where he had left off.

One more kiss of her abdomen and his hands slowly slid the fabric up over her breasts, his eyes never leaving each new inch of flesh as it appeared. As it reached the point where it would go up no further, he stopped and just took her in. Beautiful. Simply beautiful. Even the scar that rested in the valley of her breasts was beautiful. It was hers.

He met her eyes once again making sure permission granted was truly permission given.

With a nod of her head and a look in her eye he had only since dreamed of, she uttered two words that made him fear he was going to come right then and there.

“Taste me.”

“Oh Jesus, Ci…” The slow measured breathing quickly became ragged and desperate as his mouth lowered to her breast, soft kisses working their way to her sensitive nipple.

When she moaned at his touch, he slid his hands under her bringing her chest up to his mouth. One breast was treated to his tongue and lips and just as she thought she might scream, he kissed his way to the other one. So much more of her to discover, but now…for right now, this was all he wanted.

While he made love to her breasts, she shimmied out of the t-shirt and spent time running her hands through his hair, over his shoulders and down his arms. She wanted to feel him too…to taste him…to know him. Not wanting him to stop his gentle treatment of her breasts, she reluctantly slid her hands down to find the hem of his shirt and began to pull it up. When the cold air hit his back, Nick flicked the nipple he’d been working on one more time and pulled his hands from behind her. Sitting back on his haunches, he took off his shirt and tossed it aside. Now, having the moment broken, a new barrier crossed and a better perspective of things, he stopped again and just looked at the beauty before him. His wish…his dream.

“You are so beautiful, Ci…”

“So are you.” Her finger traced up one arm and over to a nipple, circling it, taunting it.

His eyes closed and lips parted amazed at how wonderful such a simple gesture could feel. He opened his eyes to watch his own fingers mimic the moves she was making on him. She’d trail down to his belly button and his finger would do the same. Back up to outline his collar bone and his finger would follow suit on her, missing the scar as her gaze left him briefly whenever he’d get near it. Smiling at his game, she let her finger trail to the waistband of his pants and slide under, teasing at the button closure.

His finger trailed down as well, sliding under the waistband of her panties but stopping as he felt her bring both hands into action as she undid his pants and started to pull them lower off of his hips.

He hiked up off his haunches and helped her pull them down, shock running through him as he realized she had hold of both his pants and boxers. Jesus Christ, he was going to be totally naked in front of Ciara. Somehow the reality of that truth never dawned on him. Fortunately he was so lost in the moment, it didn’t slow him up.

Distracted by the business at hand, neither thought much more of it until he slid off the bed and was standing beside her, pants having been freshly tossed to the side. She looked him up and down and his eyes followed hers down his body. They both had to take a moment to close their eyes and get over the strangeness of it all. Seven years of friendship. A deep, abiding friendship that started when Nick was still wondering what the big whooptiedoo even was with that word…”sex”. Now…now they would experience it together. As much as they both wanted this, they had to deal with the slight moment of discomfort, shyness, uneasiness at the change.

Simultaneously their eyes met and she sat up, taking one of his hands in hers. Pulling herself up on her knees, she ran her hands up his chest and brought her body close, moaning as her thigh brushed his tip. He jerked back at the sensation, and she captured him in a kiss before reaching down and taking hold of his length, sliding her fingers over the tip to steal the moisture that waited there.

This time his knees did buckle and he groaned, grabbing onto the bed post for support, running a hand through her hair, nipping and kissing her neck. Sadly, this is where long time temptation, her experience and his young age could become a problem.

“Mmm…God…Ci…I’m gonna…stop…”

He took hold of her hand and looked in her eyes. “I’ve waited too long…”

“Well, we don’t wanna waste it then, do we?” She kissed his neck, sending shivers down his spine and moved her hand to take hold of his, pulling him back on the bed with her.

As she scooted back, he slid his fingers under the waistband of her panties again, this time sliding them off of her leaving a trail of kisses on her pelvic bone, thighs and calves until she kicked them off of her feet.

He moved his hands slowly back up her legs, keeping his eyes on where his hands traveled and smiling as one slid in between her thighs and he felt the warmth there. Just on her thighs. He only imagined the treasure he’d find when he built up his nerve to go closer to the center of her spread legs.

So she helped him along and guided his hand there. His eyes bugged out of his head as he felt her mound of soft curls under his palm and then sliding lower feeling her warmth, wetness and softness. He tried to visually take her all in as she threw her head back feeling his fingers slowing teasing and taunting her, never going inside, never centering on one spot…just a constant, delicious torment. And damn if she didn’t love it. But she wanted more…just a little bit right now. She opened her eyes to find his glassy with desire.

“Put your fingers in me, Nick.”

Jesus, how did she do that with one simple command? Again, he almost lost it right there on the bed. Somehow he held on and did as asked, sliding first one, then two fingers deep within her, groaning as he felt her walls tighten around him encouraging a gentle pumping motion.

“Like that?”

“Mmmm…yeah…just like that.”

He wasn’t so inexperienced as to not know what else she’d like. He brought his thumb around to seek out her clit and when he found it, he could do nothing but honor her invitation to lick and kiss her neck as she arched her head back in desire.

He continued to kiss her neck, working his way up to her jaw line, teasing an earlobe, finding her lips and then heading back down again to her shoulders and breasts, listening and responding to her reactions on what she preferred…what she liked. He could tell she was getting closer and he couldn’t believe he was truly able to do this to her…to Cici. He could bring her pleasure. This kind of pleasure. What an amazing thing.

Just when he thought she was reaching the edge, her eyes slowly opened and she reached up for his face. “Nick…now…I want you now…please.” You don’t have to ask a guy twice. The smile that spread across his face bled onto hers as she nudged him to move on top of her. “Wait…dammit.”

“What?” Wait now? He must be kidding.

“Do you uh…I mean, I’m just following your advice and all…” He sat back on his feet, running a hand through his hair. There had to be a better way for crying out loud.

“Oh shit, yeah.” She shimmied around to her nightstand and opened the drawer, pulling out a box of condoms. “Me and my bright ideas.”

Finally getting one out, she quickly ripped the package open and offered it to him, giggling at the sudden discomfort that had crept back into the room.

“You do it…”

Without a word, she sat up, kissing his purple tip before slowly sliding the condom over him, taking extra time…driving him crazy.

“Jesus, woman.”

“Sorry…if I gotta wait, so do you.”

Grateful for the lighthearted break, she kissed him and fell back against the pillows.

“We all set now?”

“Oh yeah…”

Spreading her legs apart with his thigh, they stopped for a moment to look at each other as if to double check that this was indeed really happening and that it was indeed really okay. Their moods swiftly went back to where they were before, filled with anticipation and nervous desire. Giving one more move of approval, she slowly brought her legs up and around him, pushing him closer to her until his tip teased at her still wet opening.

“God, Ciara. I don’t believe this…”

“I know…I know…” With one long, languid push, he slid inside her, filling her completely. Completely. Never had she felt complete. Never. She felt well and whole and complete…just as she hoped she’d be. This had to be right.

They found their rhythm quickly and lost themselves in the sensations between their legs as they moved in unison, under her hands as they ran over his back, around his hips as her legs continued to guide him deeper and deeper inside of her. It was too much.

He’d waited so long. She’d wrestled with it for months. And now, here they were, finally joined, finally united. Finally one.

He buried his head in her neck, not wanting to look away, but trying desperately to hang on, to make it last. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to. Not this time. “Ci…babe…oh God…I’m…”

She pulled him up, cupping his face in her hands. “Shhh…it’s okay. Let it go.” The look in her eyes, the desire in her voice, the warmth of her body wrapped around him was more than he could take. So he again did as asked and let it go, speeding up their rhythm, pushing into her harder as she unwrapped her legs from him, opening herself up further to his thrusts. She just relaxed to his motion, brushing his hair from his face, watching him, feeling him build to his climax and when it finally came with a cry from within...kissing his lips and nose and forehead, soothing his body as it relaxed and stilled and quieted.

She shifted just so and he slid off of her to lay beside her, moaning as he slipped from her warm cocoon. Still reeling from his orgasm, he wanted to be sure she was satisfied and moved his hand to finish the job he’d started earlier. But, truthfully, it wasn’t needed. This time was not about mind blowing orgasms and she was fine. Satisfied in the joining of their bodies, the union of their souls, she stopped his hand from going further, bringing it up to her lips for a gentle kiss.

“Ci…but…”

“It’s okay. We have all the time in the world, Nick. This is perfect just as it is.” So young, so eager. So…

wonderful.

***

Ciara was stirred from a light sleep feeling soft, wet lips on her shoulders. “Mmm…that feels good.”

“You feel good. You taste good.”

Nick brought his kisses to her lips and she wrapped her arms around his neck pulling his naked body to hers, relaxing in the warmth of his touch. They’d done it. They’d been teasing it for almost a year and now, here they were, vulnerable, exposed and quite satisfied, thank you very much. But now what? How would this effect their relationship?

What about Mandy? What about…everything?

The weird truth was, Ciara didn’t want him to leave Mandy for her. She couldn’t give him a relationship like that, especially with a new album coming out and all that went with it. He was still too damned young for the kind of relationship she needed. And she had no desire to be a pop star’s girlfriend either. But somehow this still didn’t feel wrong.

For Nick and Ciara, this had to happen. They needed this…as a couple of sorts, and as individuals. Could they truly be just friendly…she shuddered at the thought…fuck buddies?

They stayed in one another’s arms for awhile never wanting this to end, knowing it had to. At least for now. They’d have more time. And right it was time to go back to a bit of reality. They eased out of their embrace and Ciara found his t-shirt and slid it over her head.

Seeing the pout on his face, she had to laugh. “We need sustenance, Mr. Carter.”

“True…what do we want?”

“Talk food…pizza and beer.”

Yeah, talking. Can’t use sex to cover up what’s going on, nice as it sounded. Only months ago, he’d called her completely at the end of his rope and the truth was, he hadn’t ventured far from it yet. He was still a mess. Still scared, and tired, and confused. And in light of her reaction to the divorce papers, something was going on with her as well. One thing Nick and Ciara always did well was share their hearts. So, pizza it was. Talk it was.

And strangely enough, as they talked…it almost felt like nothing had changed at all.

Was that even possible?

***

It seemed to be. They never talked about that day. But they repeated it often enough. He was still with Mandy…sort of. As “with” her as he ever would be, but he was also busy flying here and there getting the album recorded, spending holidays with his family much against his will, and preparing for a new chapter in his life. Ciara was just going as usual. Working, being well, being sick, and keeping her door open for calls from Nick. It worked. It was warped, but it worked.

Now, it was New Year’s Eve. Ciara had been AJ’s guest to their show in Tampa and tonight they were all in Orlando. Mandy was there, but Ciara wanted to go anyway, if for no other reason than to prove to Mandy that she wasn’t a threat. Making good on that plan, she was sitting in her hotel room actually relaxing enough to watch some television, only to be interrupted by a frantic knock on her door.

“Jesus…who is it?”

“It’s me, Nick…can I come in?”

Why the hell was he whispering…what was he up to?

She opened the door to her suite and he literally ran inside, closing the door behind him.

“What’s up, hon? Shouldn’t you be getting ready to go?”

“Yeah…in a bit. I just…I miss you.” He swallowed her up in his arms, covering her neck with kisses.

“I’m right here, silly. What’s up?” Goodness, what had gotten into him?

“Nothing. Everything. I…” he pulled back running a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry.

It’s just…you’re here and I’m there and…it’s driving me crazy.”

“Well…now we’re both here. You still seem a bit crazy to me.” Damned tease. All he could do was growl, scoop her up in his arms and carry her to her bed tossing her down, throwing himself next to her and covering her again in kisses.

“I’m crazy alright…” He frantically ripped her shirt off her head and deftly unhooked her bra, pushing the two cups apart and sighing as her breasts escaped the confines of the lacey fabric. “…crazy for you…God, Ci.”

He lowered his mouth to her breast, moaning at the connection. He’d been stuck in a stupid meeting all morning and all he could think of was her. Her taste, her smell, the sounds she made when he touched her, when he entered her, when she went over the edge of ecstasy. Yeah, the friendly fuck buddies deal was working, but Nick was consumed with desire for her whenever he could allow his mind to shut down from whatever he was supposed to be doing. This afternoon, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

And now here she was, in his arms, her fingers running through his hair, driving him mad. Long slow love making was not going to fly today. He wanted her now. She was not complaining.

She pushed him up off of her to sit up and slid his shirt over his head kissing his nipples as they peeked out from the knit. Without another thought, another word, she undid his pants and they clumsily got them off, tossing them on the pile on the floor. While he pulled his pants off of his feet, she slid out of hers and took a bit of control, pushing him on his back on the bed.

“Ciara!”

“Yeah?”

“Damn…” She climbed on top of him, but not before licking the drop of pre-cum from his tip causing him to buck up and grab at her hair. Okay, an aggressive Ciara wasn’t a bad thing. Jesus.

“Wanna go crazy, big guy?”

“Um…yeah…”

She stuck out her hand before going any further. “Condom.”

“Ugh! Back pocket of my pants.”

“Don’t move…” She hopped off of him and quickly found the prized possession, expertly unwrapping it and sheathing him.

Now settled back on top of him, she took hold of his length and looked deep into his eyes as she lowered her body onto him. “Good…let’s go crazy.”

Chapter Fifty Two

Ciara looked down at the man beneath her, lost in his own pleasure from her body’s movements on his and yet, seeing him that vulnerable, that relaxed brought her pleasure beyond compare. He was leaving tomorrow for a long recording session in New York.

They’d had weeks of travel, sickness and fun with her nephew. One last tryst before reality came crashing in. She wanted to experience all of him.

Lowering her body to his while still keeping their rhythm, she kissed his neck and worked her way up to an ear lobe, gently sucking it into her mouth, sliding her tongue in and out of the hoop earring that decorated it. She loved those fool things. She loved how his large hands felt on her hips as he guided her up and down on him, yet letting her lead their dance. She just loved being with him. Period.

But this particular dance would soon end, although not without waves of pleasure washing over both of them, exhausting them, fulfilling them. How far they had come from their first time together…so nervous, so scared. But, despite the strange circumstances surrounding this aspect of their relationship, neither could deny that this much intimacy was only shared with each other. No one else could touch the places deep within saved only for Nick and Ciara. Finally, it seemed, they’d quit trying to deny it.

Snuggling up to his chest but keeping one leg wrapped around him, Ciara sighed realizing this was their last time together for awhile. They’d been spoiled these last few months. Could they take the separation? She believed so. As did he. But yet…

“I gotta go home and pack today…”

“Yeah, I figured. And really, I need to sleep. Get my schedule back to my work one.”

“It’s been awhile…you know I could have stayed with Nate while you worked the last few nights…let you get back to normal sooner.”

“Yeah, I know. I just felt guilty leaving him here with you. He was my responsibility.”

“I know…he’s a good kid, Ci. I love watching you with him.”

“That goes for you too…he’s quite infatuated with you.”

“I think he likes that I’m Aaron’s brother more than anything.” He chuckled at the memory of Nathanael’s face when they walked into Aaron’s hotel room in Chicago.

You’d have thought he just saw Santa Claus under the Christmas tree. Sitting up to hopefully get a move on the day, he had another idea. “You think now that we’ve done this your sister will let him come over more?”

“I hope so. He’d love to go out on the boat and stuff. We could have a great time this summer.”

“Yeah…” Their talking stopped, minds going the same place but conjuring up totally different feelings. Kids. Ciara had a special touch with them. She needed it for her work, but not all had it. She did and it was one of the things he admired most about her. To see her as a mother? He could hardly stand it, it brought such a wonderful feeling to his heart. Too young, too soon, but someday, she could be the mother of his kids. What a thrill.

Kids. Ciara loved them and Nick was a kid magnet to be sure. The big brother in him took over and he connected with them on such a special level, it warmed her heart. And made her blood run cold. Too young, too soon, but it had been permanently decided years ago that she could never have children. How could she deny him that thrill? How dare she keep his heart and his time and his love when she knew that she could not be the kind of future he deserved? The concern hadn’t been prominent in her mind until Nathanael came around. Now, it was all she could think about.

Patting his chest and closing out all negative thoughts from her mind, she too sat up and started collecting clothes for a shower. “So, you need to go and I need to sleep.”

“Yeah, guess so….” Suddenly this felt weird. Like their trysts from years past. Flirt. Fuck.

Flee. Damn…this was no good.

“What?” She saw the look on his face and felt the sag in her heart. Ick.

“I don’t like this. I feel like I’m just leaving you…like…”

“…like we used to do.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re not leaving me this time, Nick. We just have to get back to our lives. Back to our own ‘normal’.”

“I guess so.” He felt her shutting him off again and it frustrated him. Thing was, he really didn’t have the time or the energy to do much about it. He had to go. Dammit.

Reluctantly, he grabbed his clothes from the floor and started to get dressed, feeling a dark cloud in the room.

“I’m gonna shower…let yourself out, huh?”

“Yeah…do you want me to stop by tonight?”

“I’ll be sleeping, but you can if you want.”

“Nah…come here then.”

Tossing her clothes on the bed she opened her arms and soaked in the warmth of his.

Yep, she was shutting him out again. Didn’t want the hurt of his absence. Didn’t want the confusion of this new realization for a future with him. She just wanted to get to work, deal with some pending doctors appointments and move along. “Call me when you get in tomorrow, okay?”

“Of course. Well, I might be headed straight to the studio. I’ll call you at work when I get back to the hotel or something.”

“Whatever…just call.”

He pulled her back and looked in her eyes, taking her face in his hands. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah…everything’s okay. I’m just going to miss you.” Softly kissing her lips and nose, his eyes landed in hers once again. “I’ll miss you, too.” With another kiss to the top of her head, he patted her on the behind and walked out of the door.

***

“Since when did this store only sell ugly clothes?” Ciara lifted up the pant leg of a pair of 70’s looking polyester bell bottoms and turned up her nose.

“I have no idea…rust tones or gray this season. Yuck. This place sucks anymore.” Deanna pulled Ciara’s out of the store and stood dead in the center of the mall.

“No kidding…ugh. Where to next?”

“Express.”

Dee started one way, Ciara went another. In a mall they’d been frequenting for years.

“Uh, where am I going?”

“Well, if you’re going to Express you might wanna join me this way.”

“Oh…I’m lost.”

“In a mall? You?”

“Mmm…where are we going again?”

Deanna stopped walking and looked to her friend. “Ciara, do you need to eat?”

“No, I just ate before you picked me up.”

“And you said you were at 35 when we talked on the phone. Maybe you need to eat again.”

“Eh, I’m okay.”

They started walking in the same direction this time, Deanna waiting just a few more moments before Ciara realized what was going on. “Um, but I do feel a little weird. Let’s eat.”

“Thought so, come on. You gonna make it?”

“Yep…just started feeling loopy.”

“You know how to make a shopping trip exciting, you know that?”

“Life of the party, baby.”

The women quickly slipped through the weekend crowds and found a bread store.

Perfect. Dee kept a watchful eye on her friend as they waited in line, hoping she’d not slide into one of her zones. Hated it. Better than high blood sugar because dealing with a bitchy Ciara was almost impossible, but this could just get scary.

Finally seated, Ciara bit into her bagel and simply moaned. “Like candy…better than candy.”

Deanna shook her head, never understanding how Ciara did it. Glad she was always willing. “Speaking of candy, how’s that candy cane you been lickin’ lately? He’s keeping you from me…I dun like it.”

“Dee! God…Nick’s fine, thank you. And I’m sorry…you’re right. I’ve been negligent.”

“Eh, if I was boppin’ Mr. Carter I’d probably dump you by the road too…”

“You’d dump me by the road if you were boppin’ anything. “

“Bitch.”

“Whore.”

“Yes…proud of it.”

“I’ll be around a lot more now anyway, dammit.” He’d been gone for only 3 days and she was not dealing well with it. Her work schedule had been whacked out with Nathanael’s visit and she was finding herself sleeping time away. Which is where Deanna stepped in.

She couldn’t let Ciara fall into an all too familiar pattern.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s great. I just got used to having the twit around. Phone calls just don’t swing it.”

“You could do phone sex.”

“Mmmm…might have to try that. Won’t compare I’m sure.”

“No…damn…I still can’t believe it all.”

“If it’s any help, neither can I. If I can get my work schedule figured out, I might meet him in LA for the Grammy’s. The Grammy’s Dee…what the hell?”

“You’re living the high life…so, uh…have you talked to him about your doctor’s appointment yet?”

“Shaddup.”

“Ci…I swear, you must get off on destroying relationships.”

“Yeah, I orgasm just thinking about it.”

“Thanks…no orgasms in front of me. So when do you go back?”

“I’ve not called. They bug me every 3 or 4 days with my results from that last pap and I just…I don’t return the call.”

“You afraid it’s positive?”

“No.” Bite. Chew. “Yes. I have no idea what I’m afraid of, Dee.”

“Well, what’s the worst case?”

“That it’ll finally have developed into cancer.”

“And what happens then?”

“I die.”

“No…..”

“Dee…look. If I have cancer I sure as shit am not gonna go through the chemo and misery to get better. Because better for me…still sucks.” She popped the last piece of bagel into her mouth and smiled. “So, I’ll die. But truthfully, I don’t think it’s positive.

It’s been ‘pre-cancerous’ for 2 years now.”

“Then what are you afraid of…you’re avoiding the issue.”

“That they’ll just wanna take the cervix. Which means I’ll have to come clean with Nick.

Which means he’ll walk. Which means…I’m not even gonna think about what that means. You almost done?”

“Yeah…but you’re not walking away from this conversation, dammit.”

“What more do you wanna know, Dee? I can’t be for him what he deserves. We’ve gone over this a million times. And after seeing him with Nathanael last week…he deserves kids. A family. A big assed one.”

“He deserves to live his life how he wants to, Ci…maybe that’s with you no matter what the cost.”

“He has no concept of the cost.”

“Because you won’t TELL him!”

“And I have no intention of it now either. He’s holding out on me with something too…”

“Oh good…dueling wills. A match made in heaven.”

“Exactly…can we go please? You’ve picked the shit outta that sandwich.”

“Yeah, yeah…you’ve shut me out anyway.”

“Yes, I have. I still need shoes.”

“Shoes???? Oh Jesus.”

“No, not Jesus. Shoes.”

***

“Hey baby…” Lonely. Bored. Lonely. And Lonely. Nick was miserable.

“Hey…how’s it goin’?”

“Okay. Feeling smothered here. Everyone knows I’m here. I can’t fuckin’ leave the hotel.”

“I’m sorry. I saw some girls got their pics with you yesterday.”

“Yeah…they camp out. Almost worse than tour. At least I can torment AJ then. Now I’m just…blah.”

“I’m sorry. How much longer?”

“Few days. Back home for a few, back here…LA for the Grammy’s and either there or here for more recording.”

“You sound tired.”

“I am. Tired and bored.”

“Isn’t Mike there?” She secretly hoped not. Mike seemed to lead him to a path of destruction. Nick didn’t think she knew…but she did. At least some of it. She didn’t trust Mike as far as she could throw him. Which wasn’t far. Big boy!

“Yeah…it helps. We’ve gone out some, but they’ve got me recording at night…”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed…why are they doing that? Seems like it’d be more expensive that way.”

“Yep. They uh…well, that’s just what the company’s requested, I guess.” Truth was, they’d seen his behavior on tour and some of it off tour when Ciara had been working.

He may be able to keep it from her, but not from them. He was being watched and scheduled so he’d not get out of line again. Keep him from trouble. Problem was…trouble seemed to follow him when he was bored.

“Mmm…well, sweetie. You’ll be home in a few. I’ll be off work. It’ll be good.”

“Yeah, I know…I gotta sleep.”

“Okay…miss you.”

“Miss you, too. Miss you bad.”

“Soon, baby…soon.”

As they hung up, they both couldn’t help but feel almost worse. Could they take the separations his job required? Could he keep his act together during them? Could she work through her health issues and wait for him? Would she allow him in when he got home? It was something they’d really not considered. It was something they’d have to.

***

“So, did you finally call?”

“Yes, MOM…I called.” Deanna had made it her personal mission to make Ciara take responsibility for this latest health crisis. She couldn’t keep ignoring it.

“And?”

“I hate doctors. I really do.”

Chapter Fifty Three

“Alright, Ciara. I’m going to refer you to a rheumatologist and an Ear, Nose, Throat specialist. You need to get these constant ear infections under control.”

“Yeah, I know…they’re getting sick of me missing work all the time.”

“Probably…and the rheumatologist can run some tests to see what’s causing all the hand and hip pain, okay?”

“Yeah…what are we thinking here?”

“Any number of things. Rheumatoid arthritis, Lupus, could even be Fibromyalgia for all we know.”

“That’d figure.” Fibromyalgia…how perfect. ‘Unexplained, chronic pain.’ Sounded more like her life in general, not another diagnosis.

“Now, Ciara…they’ll figure it out. You’re blood tests were…average. Not horrible.”

“Kidneys?”

“For you…pretty good. Not much different from last time.”

“Okay…can I see?”

“Oh, yeah…sure. I’ll leave this here while you get dressed. Just leave it with your bill.”

“Thanks…the docs are on this?”

“Yeah, that slip of paper there. I’ve recommended them both before and my patients seem to like them.”

She smiled at the older man as he left the exam room. He’d been her doctor since she was a teenager. In many ways, a father figure. Sad thing, always a symbol of bad news, sad diagnoses and no real solutions. Not his fault…there just weren’t any solutions around.

Before leaving the room, she looked over her blood work. Yeah, average she supposed.

For a healthy person they weren’t good at all, but for her…it could be worse. This was getting old. She felt old. Just newly twenty-four and she felt like she was at least sixty.

But again, nothing could be done. This was her lot in life.

Her drive home felt long and lonely. But, just as promised, before she was completely in the door, her phone was ringing. “Reliable ain’t he?” Hopping out of her shoes, she stumbled to catch it before her machine picked up.

“You’re right on time.”

“Hey, girlie. How’d the appointment go?”

“I’m gonna die tomorrow.”

“That’s not even funny, Ciara…come on. You promised you’d talk to him about your pain and stuff…don’t let me down now.”

“Yes, Howard. I told him. He gave me the name of a rheumatologist for tests…will you leave me alone now?”

“Not ‘til you call him.”

“UGH! I’ll call! I’ll call! I can’t very well do that if you’re pesterin’ me all the time now can I?”

“You love me.”

“Yes, I do…how are you? Have you been able to…you know…” Shit. ‘Have you cried lately, Howie? How’s the mourning going, Howie?’ What was she supposed to say here?

“Yeah…I’m doin’ okay. Just spending time with family as I can. You know.”

“I have yet to hug you, Mr. Dorough. I’m sure that would help.”

“I’m bettin’ it would. Can’t believe I missed you in December. When will we see you again?”

What a loaded statement. Now that she and Nick were…were…what the hell were they now? Whatever it was, gathering for BSB activities was weird, especially if Miss Mandy was around. Ciara and Nick’s friendship was as normal as the day it started…it was that other “stuff” that complicated matters…and tended to seep into their time together.

Flirtations, innuendo, knowing looks. Somehow someone would find out. And she just couldn’t risk it. AJ maybe, but up ‘til now even he didn’t know.

“Nick’s mentioned me comin’ up to New York for some of your promo stuff for the album. Might do that.”

“Good…that’ll be nice, although we’ll be running like crazy then.”

“Yeah, I know. I’ll go sightseeing or something. Catch a few Broadway matinees. It’s New York. I’m sure I can occupy myself.”

“I’m sure you can…no doubt. Well, sweetie, I gotta go. Glad you finally told him, and I hope to see you in a few weeks.”

“Thanks for pushin’ me. I’ll keep you posted.”

As she hung up, she had to chuckle. Somehow over the years she’s accumulated a few more brothers than she’d bargained for. Kevin remained a distance acquaintance, and Brian was Nick’s confidante. Ciara left that one alone. But Howie was her health care man, AJ took care of her heart and Nick…hmmm…Nick. He had all of her in one fashion or other. She just couldn’t let him know it. Too risky. Too young. Too…no. What they had now was fine. It had to be.

***

“Hey! You made it! I was thinkin’ they threw you out of the plane over North Carolina somewhere.” Nick pulled Ciara inside his suite, shut the door and immediately trapped her back against it with a searing kiss. Damn…what a welcome.

“Hi…miss me?” She reached her arms around his neck and pulled him in for another.

Now that she’d had his lips all over her time and again, she couldn’t get enough of them.

Of him.

“You know it.” Another kiss. He pressed her against the door with his body, lifting her up to his height and moaned as she wrapped her legs around him bringing him in even closer. It was true…there was no going back to holding hands now. Every time he saw her, he wanted to feel her, to taste her, to take her in every corner of his heart. Hell, he wanted it even when she wasn’t around, but put her within 2 feet of him and he was gone.

“I take it we’re alone.”

“No, actually, she’s in the bedroom…thought we’d try a threesome..” He buried his face in her neck, licking, sucking, flicking her earlobe and running his tongue from her ear down her neck.

“Mmm…Jesus…you’re a pig.” All she could do was hang on for dear life and run her hands through his hair trying to steal a kiss here and there as he continued to press his hard-on into her, wishing the fabric between them would miraculously disappear.

“Oink. You’re just a chicken.” He was giggling now, imaging the look on Mandy’s face should he suggest something like that. Oh, she’d probably go for a threesome…but with Ciara? Hell no. Mandy knew something was up with her. She could never prove it and knew if she did, she’d lose Nick. So, she just hated her. Suited Nick just fine.

Giggling? The only thing separating them from figuring out how to do this against the door was their clothes and her damned height. And here he was giggling. Probably imaging Ciara’s face if Mandy WAS in the bedroom waiting for them. Ha-frickin-ha. She unwrapped her legs from his waist and he could do nothing but let her slide back down to the floor. Their lips never parted, their hands never stopped wandering.

“Nick…mmm…please…mmm…clothes off…now!” She was frantically pulling at his shirt hem and he backed away long enough to get it off and to rip hers from her as well, diving his mouth to her breasts, sucking the nipples through the satin bra. God damn, he was magical with his tongue. And his hands. And his…

Laying on their backs on the floor in complete exhaustion and satisfaction, Ciara started to giggle.

“What?” He slowly rolled his head over to look at her, afraid to know what was so funny.

“I think I got a rug burn on my ass.”

“Aw…lemme see.” He rolled to his side, moaning as his legs throbbed from the exertion of her welcome. Pushing her over a bit to take a peek, he bent down and kissed the smallest red spot. “Yep…it’s horrible. I think you might need some cream or somethin’

on it.”

“Mmm…you think?”

“Yes, it’s awful…” He kissed her butt again, caressing the round flesh, sliding a finger just inside her crack as she moaned and moved her body closer to him.

“I’m thinkin’ Mr. Carter…”

“Mmmm-hmmm?”

“That you might kill me.”

“What a way to go, baby…” Rolling her on her back, he got up and straddled her, kissing up her thighs, hips and swirling his tongue in her naval. Feeling her hands run up his arms and shoulders, he looked up to her, a thick strand of blonde hair covering one lust-filled eye.

“Again?”

“Let’s take this one to the bed…we don’t want matching rug burns…”

***

If she was going to see Nick much at all this short trip to New York, she was going to have to accompany him to work once and awhile. So today, it was to NBC studios while they rehearsed for Saturday Night Live. Not a bad gig. What little time they’d had together had been great thus far. Absolutely nothing was accomplished nor was it meant to be. She wanted to be with him and let him have a place to escape when the pressures of work got to be too much. And that happened, and it was good.

“Mmm…are those no bake cookies???” Ciara peeked up into Nick’s overloaded plate from the spread in the green room.

“Yes…”

“The kind with chocolate…and peanut butter…and oatmeal????” She was almost drooling.

“Yes and no, you can’t have any.”

“Just a bite…pwetty pweeze???” Drooling and pouting. Not attractive.

“Ciara…these are loaded with sugar. No.” He swiftly turned away trying to make a bee-line for a chair.

“Aw, come on Nick…just a bite!” She caught his sleeve and turned him back around, opening her mouth like a hungry baby bird.

Irresistible. “Just a bite, huh?” His mind was immediately swimming with ideas of what else he’d like her to bite, and his eyes showed it. And the other guys were here. This was not a good thing.

“Would you look at that? I’ll be…” AJ popped a cookie in his mouth, nudging Brian as they watched the scene before them.

“Yup…he’s got it bad. I wish they’d just do something and get it over with.”

“HE!? Jesus…look at her! She’s fawning all over him. I’m bettin’ they already have.” AJ

looked down to Brian’s plate, stealing a carrot.

“No way, man…Mandy’d kill him. And get your own damned plate.”

“I will…gimme a sec. I’m watchin’.” He chewed the carrot thoughtfully and continued,

“Besides, it’s not like being with Mandy’s stopped his fuckin’ around before.”

“True…but this is Cici. He wouldn’t do that to her would he?”

“If she let him, yeah.”

“Yes, Nick…just a bite.” She pulled out her full mack pout and he was done for.

“Oh for God’s sake…if your blood sugar sky rockets, woman I’m not helping you.”

“It won’t. I’m good…just…mmmppphhhh…” She bit off the chocolate and peanut butter blob suddenly shoved in her mouth, moaned seductively and smiled around the crumbs.

“Fank-u.” Finally swallowing the luscious treat, she pulled him down to whisper in his ear. “And when we get back to the hotel, I’ll give you a bite of something.” Lick of the earlobe and off she went. What a brat.

Nick stayed in his half-bent position totally turned on and completely unbelieving she’d do that in front of the guys. Now, how was he supposed to walk and act like nothing had just happened? Gracefully. He was a walking hard-on 90% of the time anyway. They’d probably never notice.

“You okay there, Nick?” AJ was cackling now. No tact. No taste. He could be such a pain.

“Yeah, AJ…why do you ask?” He finally took a seat lowering his plate over his tented crotch and glaring at Ciara who sat across from him looking incredibly smug.

“Eh, just look a little uh…uncomfortable. Wondered if you had something you need to share with us.”

“No…not this time.” Boring his eyes into Ciara’s. “This time, I don’t share.” That was it. She had to leave. She was going to completely lose it and humiliate him. But god, what fun it had been up to this point. “I, uh…I’ll be back. Forgot to take my shot.

Purse is in the coat room?”

“Yeah, lemme go with you…” AJ put his plate on the table threatening anyone who touched it with a good tongue lashing. Like they needed to steal from his.

“No, AJ…really, I’m fine.”

He wasn’t to be swayed. His nosey, gossip-loving self had to get the dirt on this. He’d been helping her deal with it all for so long. How dare they consummate and she not tell him!?

She made her way to the coat room, actually needing to take her shot but grateful for the reprieve. She shouldn’t tease Nick like that in reality, but damn, he was so easy. Just as she was standing from her bent position to retrieve her medicine, she was popped in the butt. “You care to fill me in on the little budding romance Sister, or am I gonna have to drag it out of you?”

“AJ! Jesus…” She shooed him away with her hand and found a bench in the hallway, sitting down and opening up her packet of insulin.

“Ciara…” AJ joined her, watching her fill up the syringe with medicine. She rarely did this in front of them and he could never get used to watching. Her casual attitude helped, but…it made him squeamish. “…I’m being serious now. I’ve always been here for you when it comes to Nick. Are you holding out on me?”

She only offered a smile as she lifted up her shirt, pinched an inch of flesh and stuck the needle into her abdomen. Looking back up to AJ as she pushed the medicine into her system she had to shake her head. He was pale.

“Jesus…I’ve never seen you put it in your stomach before. Doesn’t that hurt?”

“Nope. I’m pretty calloused up and…I do this every day, sweetie. I just don’t think about it.” Cleaning up her supplies she sat back and looked at her friend and gently removed the sunglasses. “I’ll talk if you keep these off.”

“Deal. What’s up, Ci?”

“What do you wanna know?” Okay, so she knew full well what he wanted to know. He was going to have to work a little for it anyway.

“What’s up with you and Nick. Have you two….”

She couldn’t keep anything from him for anything. Only reason he didn’t know before now was because she’d never been alone with him to tell him. Dammit. “Yes, we have.”

“Good God…how long…”

“Since November.”

“Nov-! That’s…” he quickly counted on his fingers. “That’s six months! You’ve been bangin’ Nick for six months and you never TOLD me!?”

“What was I supposed to do, AJ? Call you up, ‘Guess what AJ? Me and Nicky finally fucked!’ Give me a break.”

“Well, no…I suppose not. But…what about Mandy?”

“What about her?”

He couldn’t believe it. He figured Ciara would have more self-esteem than to allow Nick to keep both of them going. What kind of relationship was this anyway? “Uh…you do know he’s still with her? In every possible way…”

“Yep. I know. We use protection and he swears he does with her. I can’t keep a relationship going with him, AJ. I just can’t. So…we’re friends. We sleep together when the pressures of life are too much, and…and it’s wrong. I don’t care. It works for us.”

“Mandy doesn’t bother you at all?”

“She bugs the fuck outta me, AJ…but she bugged me before. I know it sounds asinine, but for us…for now…for how our lives are now, it works.”

“So you’re happy?”

“Yes, AJ. I am. I can’t even begin to think of what it’s going to be like when you guys leave in a few weeks for the tour, but we’ll work through it. We’ve done it before.”

“But the rules have changed now, Ci. You’ve changed them.”

“Yeah, I know.” She looked down. She knew it full well. And Mandy was going with them this time. Overseas. For two straight months. No breaks. Two weeks off and it’d start up again for another two and a half months, only this time in the states. This is why she couldn’t do a relationship. Who the hell had time?

“And Ci…he does need you. I’m scared to death of this leg. No access to you at all.

He’s…he needs you to keep him level.”

“I can’t be his balance, AJ. I’m not my own.”

“Together you work and you know it. Please promise me you’ll keep in touch with him.

Don’t make him responsible for your contact this time.”

“I’ll do my best, but I do have a girlfriend to work around. She’s not the best at giving him messages.”

“True…but try, baby. Please?”

“Yeah. I will. He’s still one of my best friends, AJ. Nothing will change that.”

“Then take care of him when he’s gone too.”

AJ stood and offered her a hand up, which she happily accepted. Time to eat. Time to go

‘be friends’ with Nick because really, none of the other boys needed to know this was going on. Not unless it came from Nick himself and obviously he wasn’t talking. Ciara was glad for AJ’s insistence at telling him. Now she had her sounding board back. She needed him and had a hunch, she’d be needing him even more as time went on.

***

Nick woke with a start, frustrated again at the empty pillow next to him. It was filled with an auburn haired beauty as he fell asleep. But, as usual, she snuck out in the night and went back to her room. He hated it. He agreed to it, but he hated it. While they were together everything felt right, but after one of them left, it was almost naughty or something. It couldn’t be changed. Not now. No time. She in a few hours and he’d have to get back to work. Serious work now. Saturday Night Live that night, MTV all day tomorrow and next week they were filming a concert for Disney. Insanely busy.

He tossed on a pair of sweats and a shirt and peeked out into the hallway. Too early for fans. For other boys. For anyone. Perfect. Quickly walking down a few doors to her room, he slid the key card into its slot and quietly made his way in only to hear the shower running from far back in the suite. Even more perfect.

Looking around, still amazed at how damned neat she’d keep a room, he saw that she’d eaten without him again. Frustrating. Necessary he supposed. But, his libido was stronger than his concern over such things. Six months, but it had been a sporadic six months. One thing they’d yet to share was a shower. Time to make a change with that one. He took off his shirt and snuck into the bathroom hoping she’d not see him.

Fortunately, with the layout of the expansive room, he was free and clear. The frosted shower door blocked their view of each other and she had the radio blaring so loud, she’d never hear him. He took his time, trying to build up his nerve and looked over at the vanity and her belongings strewn across it. His eyes landed on a clunky, unattractive silver bracelet, one he’d never seen off of her before.

Taking it in his hand, his mind traveled through their years together. From their first meeting until…well, until this moment she’d been a mystery with her health and well-being. He remembered the fear that snaked through his body as he watched her give herself her shot that day at his house so many years ago. And more than 7 years later, it still freaked him out sometimes. But this bracelet, over all things probably bugged him more than anything else. It was a constant reminder that she’d never be well. Not completely anyway.

He opened the case of the medic alert bracelet, never having really looked at it too closely before. It was just a part of her. Inside was nothing more than an aged piece of paper describing what to do in case she was found unconscious. Scary. He knew the routine. She’d gone over it with him and as much as he was afraid of such moments he knew he’d be able to deal with it. He’d have to. He wanted to be able to be that for her if she should need it.

Finally putting it and all the mixed thoughts down on the counter, he turned to the shower and smiled at her silhouette standing under the warm spray of water. Sliding his sweats down his legs and kicking them off, he walked over to the shower and opened the door letting the steam and the anticipation swallow him into her world.

Chapter Fifty Four

Amazed that she still had no idea he was there, he did what he’d been dreaming of since he heard the loud music and shower water coming from the bathroom. He bent down and cupped one of her soft breasts in his hand and licked and sucked on her nipple.

“Oh! Dear God…Nick…” She was so wrapped up in the luxury of his shower and the anticipation of him coming home later that afternoon, that she never heard or saw him coming in. Thank God. What a pleasant surprise. Running her hands through his hair, she pushed him back to sit on the bench and lifted his face to look at hers.

“You’re home early.” She now lowered her head to him, capturing his lips and moaning as his tongue slid between her lips to play with her own. God how she’s missed him.

Pulling back and looking up at her, he kissed each breast before speaking. “I couldn’t wait any longer to be with you.”

No more words were needed as they fell into their familiar dance of touches, licks, kisses and finally, of a delicious reunion of body and soul. It had only been a week, but it had been a difficult one, especially for Ciara. But now, it all washed away with the pleasure that coursed through her body, clutching him tighter and bringing him to his own intense climax. Here, nothing existed outside of one another.

“Welcome home.”

“Mmmm…I’m gonna have to leave more often if you keep greeting me this way.”

“No. I dun think so. I prefer you here.”

“Yeah…me too.” He kissed her nose and groaned as she stood, separating their bodies.

“Need a wash?”

“Oh yeah…I’m feeling VERY dirty.”

***

Curls. Lots of them. Wet, spirally curls. He loved to twirl his fingers through them and she loved it when he did. The shower had been long…until the hot water ran out and both were feeling quite squeaky clean and quite exhausted. A fulfilling exhaustion. God, how she’d missed him.

“So, you were bored in New York? Tell me, how does one get bored in New York City?”

“When one is confined to the gym, the recording studio and his room for a week, that’s how.”

“You never went out at all?”

“Well, okay…it wasn’t that bad. Just felt that way. And I’m not…” He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated with it all. Confusion was the only word to sum up whatever was going on with his career right now. Pure and simple confusion.

“Not what?” Ciara sat up from their lounging position on his bed and straddled his legs, leaning in to lay on his chest. If she could keep him talking about himself, she could avoid even thinking about herself and what a mess she’d made of things by not being up front with him. So, snuggling and gentle talk should keep her safe for now.

Was it possible to just stay in his bedroom with her forever? It surely would make life simpler. Hire a cook, keep the maid and grounds keeper and they could just live life camped out in his room. Yep. That’d be fine. Unrealistic, but…”I’m not sure what the hell I’m supposed to be doing and I definitely know I’m not happy with what’s come out so far.”

“Do you just miss the other guys? You think that’s it?”

“Could be. I feel like they should be there with me. I mean, I’ve wanted to try it alone at some point, but…”

“Now may not be the time?”

“I just don’t know, Cici…I don’t feel ready to make that decision right now. It’s being made for me.”

“Again.”

Yes, again. Did he ever make choices on his own? Oh yeah, plenty. All the shitty ones he was responsible for. But the good choices? Things that brought him prosperity and happiness? Nope, not smart enough to think on his own. Except for Ciara. He’d done that one right…or so he hoped. Sick of thinking about it all, he kissed her forehead and ran his hand over her curls causing her to moan softly and close her eyes getting lost in the sensation.

“I don’t wanna think about this right now, Ci…”

“Mmm-kay. New topic. Oh…Grammy’s.”

“You gonna come?”

“I don’t think so, baby. I’m traveled out for now. Just…yeah. You go, do your business stuff you have to do. Sounds to me like you need some time alone with the guys anyway.”

“Probably. Aaron will be out there too, so…”

“Yeah, so you go alone. I’ll be good.”

“I hope so…you’re only allowed to be bad when I’m around.” He took hold of her shoulders and rolled her over, nuzzling his nose in her neck.

“You’re cueing up a bad song and a bad joke, Mr. Carter.” Popping up from that sweet place, “Huh?”

So she sang…techno style. “I wanna be bad with ya’ babay. Oh…oh…oh.”

“Ewwwwwww….stop!” Back to her neck he dove, tickling her until her fight gave in and they were swimming in overwhelming passion once again.

***

“So, when’s the appointment?” Deanna pulled two cans of pop out of Ciara’s refrigerator and tossed one to her friend.

“You’re a pain in my ass, Dee, you know that?”

“That’s my job. When is it? Lunch meat good?”

“Yeah, sounds good. Can you come with me?”

“I don’t know since you won’t tell me when it is. Have you not made it yet?”

“Um, well…” Ciara pulled out a bottle of insulin from the frig and rolled it between her hands warming it up. How well was this revelation going to go over? “I’ve cancelled it once.” Cheesy grin.

“Ciara! Jesus, woman! What are you thinking?”

“That this is not mandatory. It’s just a suggested solution to avoid further concern and I do NOT want to be bothered!” Pulling a syringe out of her drawer, she plopped down on the kitchen chair and prepared her shot.

“How long will you be out of commission?” And how much mustard was she going to put on this sandwich before she aimed the squirt bottle to the stubborn woman at the table?

Deanna was so frustrated with Ciara’s obstinance it wasn’t even funny.

“From work? I’ll do it during a break. A day maybe. No biggie.” Sticking her arm and injecting the medicine, Ciara had to sigh. She was being a total pain in the ass. Tough.

Her life was a total pain in the ass and as much as she wanted these repeated ob/gyn appointments to go away, she did not want to have to go through this procedure to make it happen.

“Exactly, then it’s no biggie for you to just go and get this thing over with. Save you from some extra doctor appointments in the future.”

Ouch. Hit right where it hurt. “This is true.”

“So, when is it?”

“Monday. You off?”

“Yep. Always and you knew that when you made it, didn’t you?” Deanna brought their sandwiches to the table and took a seat next to her friend.

“Actually I didn’t think about it. He said I might be okay to drive home myself.”

“Do you want to do that?”

“No…” Ciara popped a pretzel in her mouth and smiled weakly. Thank God for Deanna.

She’d put up with just about anything. And put up with nothing. A perfect balance.

“You’re a pain in my ass AND you make me tired. Is that your purpose in life?”

“In yours, yeah…”

“Mmm…so, I’m sure Nick knows about this appointment.” Of course he didn’t. If Ciara could be a pain in the ass, so could Dee.

No words. Just a glare biting through her chewing mouth.

“You’ve not told him still…Cici, I swear. You are on a course of destruction with him.”

“It’s headed that way anyway. Why blow it now? Might as well milk this as long as I can.”

“And why is it headed toward destruction, huh? Or are we going to have this tired conversation again?”

“No, we’re not. You’ve heard it all before. And unless I have no choice, I’m not telling him dick right now.”

“Sure, just so you keep getting his dick. Real nice, Cici.”

“Wait…hang the hell on….you mean…you think I’m not telling him just so I can keep him in my bed!?”

“Well, Ciara…you tell me something different then. Isn’t a relationship based on trust and honesty? He thinks he can trust you…he believes in you, leans on you, admires you…I’m sure he loves you. And you’re holding out on him. We’re not talking about smarmy details about an old boyfriend here, Ciara. We’re talking about something that could permanently effect his life.”

“It won’t because as soon as he knows all of this, he’ll walk. Eventually. I just…”

“You’re gonna keep him around ‘til you think you can live your life without him!? I never though you’d be that damned selfish.”

Ciara looked up from her food to find the most angry eyes she’d ever seen in her friend.

And it hurt. They were directed at no one but her. No one. She had nothing to say. There was no justification for it other than Ciara didn’t know what else to do.

“You’re using him, Ciara…I don’t know what the hell for, but he has enough people using him in his life. He needs you to be an escape from that.”

“And how do you think you know him so well, huh?” Deanna was right, but dammit…she didn’t know Nick. She didn’t know their relationship. She had no right…right?

“I don’t. I’m a fan, okay? Just a slimy useless fan. I’m sorry, but it’s so obvious this kid has lived his life to please everyone but himself. But with you…he’s risked it all and never thought twice about it. I can’t believe you’d string him along like this…use him like this.”

“I never thought of it that way.” No, because if she had, she’d have never climbed into his truck that night in October. She didn’t want to hurt him. That’s what this whole thing was about. Having him in her life with no hurt.

“Well, maybe you should.” Deanna set her sandwich back on her plate and looked her friend dead in the eyes. “Do you love him, Cici?”

Ciara didn’t blink or move. “Yes.” There. She said it. Loved him the first moment he smiled at her over eleven years ago. That love had changed and grown and morphed into something she’d never experienced before. It scared the hell out of her.

“Then act like it and trust him with the truth, Ciara. Or he will be gone. And I, for one, will be cheering him on to newer and better horizons.”

“As you should be. I’m sorry, Deanna….I’m really, really sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me. Just talk to him. Let him decide what to do with the information.”

“Yeah…I will.” Eventually. But, he was in New York again and headed to LA the day of her procedure. Perfect. She didn’t have to tell him until it was done. Not that it would change the reality of the situation, but…somehow, she preferred to deal and heal alone.

***

Alone. Very alone. Her bed felt like that of a king when Nick was gone. Not for the luxury, not for the exquisiteness, but because of how vast and huge and empty it felt.

He’d filled not only her bed these last few months, but her heart as well. And it ached without him near. But, like they’d grown accustomed in years past, she knew he was there. Just…right now, it was a painful presence because of his absence.

Quite disgusted with her forlorn self, she rolled over on her back and flung her arm over her head. Obviously she was still groggy because she whomped herself in the forehead with her bracelet. Giggling at her clumsiness, she brought her wrist back to eye level and looked at the gold jewelry, moving it back and forth as it danced in the sunlight seeping through her blinds.

She loved it because it was so beautiful and the heart with which it was given. She hated it because it was a constant reminder. Diabetic. Unwell. Imperfect. Damaged. Ciara.

Chapter Fifty Five

Giving the gold bracelet a kiss, she finally sat up to begin her day. "Miss you, Nicky." In his short jaunt home before taking off overseas for the beginning of their world tour, he'd brought her the new piece of jewelry and she hadn't stopped smiling at the memory of the moment. So sweet. So nervous.

"I, uh…I bought something for you. Since I missed your birthday like I do every year…maybe this will make up for it."

"You don't have to buy me anything, Nick…I have you." But, who would argue with such a sweet thang bearing gifts? She took the box from him and sat down on her couch, inviting him to join her. Quickly ripping off the professionally done wrapping, she stopped, nervous to see what was inside. Jewelry. Definitely jewelry…and whatever was inside, he shouldn't have.

"You gonna open it or just look at the box?" He leaned in and kissed her, laying a hand over hers and prying the lid open.

"Oh…Nick…you got me…this is beautiful!" She pulled the gold bracelet out of the box and laid it over her wrist where it would forever remain.

"Yeah, I thought…well, I mean, this one you wear all the time is kinda…"

"Clunky."

"Yeah. And you're not clunky. So, um…I hope it's okay. It doesn't have a place for that paper yours holds."

"No, that's useless anyway. I don't know why I even keep it in there. I'd be dead before someone read all of that stuff."

"We don't want that…come on, let's put it on."

Before moving further, she reached up to touch his face. He'd been gaining weight. His acne was out of control. She had her theories and none of them boded well with her, but whenever he was with her, she had no proof. So…she just loved him as he was. No other choice at this point. And to her…he was beautiful. Perfect. A man-child who cared for her in a way no one had before. "Thank you, Nick…this means a lot."

He kissed her tenderly and spent a few extra seconds drinking in her eyes. They were dancing…so was his heart. He'd been nervous about this. To boldly "discuss" her health was a no-no, but he saw these medic alert bracelets in a jewelry store while shopping for his mom's birthday. She deserved to have a beautiful one. Solid gold with a diamond on the plate. Unless you really looked, you'd never know what it was. The typical red cross found on such bracelets was also of gold. The jeweler assured him that medical teams knew what to look for and should she need it, it'd not be hidden. She'd be safe. Beautiful and safe. Just as she should be.

He took the bracelet from her and looped it under her wrist. "Wait…let's get the clunky one off first." Ciara popped its clasp and let it slide off into his hand. "Glad to be rid of it, actually. I just couldn't afford…" Looking up into his eyes she smiled again.

"Shhh…don't worry about it. Come on…gimme your wrist." She did and he looped the bracelet under it again, bringing the clasp around and somehow quickly closing it.

"Whew…that wasn't so bad. I usually suck at those things."

"Thanks…I…wow. This is gorgeous."

And it was. And now, it made her ache for him. Two long months he'd be gone. Maybe a phone call. Maybe an IM conversation. But with Mandy around? Eh, it was anybody's guess.

As she rolled out of bed, groaning at the aches that had decided to greet her this day, she groaned further hearing a soft knock on her door.

Shuffling in the room, running her fingers through her curls, she lazily opened the door, expecting no one. And, it was…just the neighbor boy.

"Hey, Cici…we got this package for you yesterday. Mommy said you'd be awake now and I could bring it to you."

"Oh, thanks, Shawn. Thank your mommy for letting me sleep, too."

"What's in it?" His blue eyes reminded her of Nick's. He was a brunette, but…what a cutey.

"I don't know…do you wanna come in while I open it?"

"SURE!"

"Come on. I've got some animal cookies I bet you'd like."

"Oh yeah…should I tell Mommy I'm here?"

Smart kid. Ciara looked up across the street to see his mother standing in their doorway.

Using hand signals, she got permission to let the little twerp in and giggled as she watched him chasing her cat under the couch. "She likes slow movement, buddy. You're gonna scare her."

"Oh…sorry."

"That's okay. Let's open this up…oh…and get you a snack."

She got him settled with a bowl of goodies and excused herself to check her blood and take her shot. No sense terrorizing the neighbor kids. Once back in the kitchen, Shawn had slowly picked the corner of the package open.

"Curious?"

"Sorry…yeah."

"I get that way too. Hate wrapped gifts at Christmas."

"Me too! I got caught this year." He lowered his head, popping a bear into his mouth.

"Oh no…I'll have to teach you how to sneak better so you don't get caught." Taking a knife to the packaging tape, she finally unearthed the hidden surprise. "Oh…my…"

"What is it, Ciara?"

"Oh…" hiding her shock. He normally didn't do it this way…what was that boy up to?

"It's a CD from a friend. You like the Backstreet Boys?"

"Oh yeah!" He popped a giraffe into his mouth and started singing around the morsel.

"Tell me whyyeeeee!"

"Ain't nuttin' but a heartache."

"Tell me whyyyeee!"

"Ain't nuttin' but a mistake…" Oh my, there was a letter with it. For some reason she knew she needed to lose the kid. Quick.

"Tell me whyyyeeee!"

"I never wanna hear you say…."

They joined together…."I want it that way!" Stuffing the letter back into the box, she looked at his bowl hoping it'd be near empty. Almost.

"I tell ya' what, Shawn. How 'bout I make you a baggie for the rest of those. I need to get ready for work."

"Oh…okay, Cici. Hope you like your CD!"

"I know I will." She quickly shoved the last of his cookies in a bag and scurried him out the door. Cute kid. Go home.

"Now….Mr. Nickolas. What have we here?"

***

Ciara finished her "breakfast" in break neck speed wanting to take her time to listen to this CD completely before work. She should be able to make it. It was definitely the most anticipated album in the pop market in…forever. And, they'd broken record sales with it selling over 1 million copies. More than Garth Brooks even. Her Nicky had come a long way.

And now, he'd written a Ciara Companion to go along with the CD. So, curling up in her bed with his letter and AJ's cackling blaring in her stereo, she began Nick's Millennium experience.

Ciara;

You know how crappy I am at putting words together in person, but I do better on paper. Or, at least I feel like I do. So, I bring you Ciara's Personal CD Companion to Millennium. These are just thoughts and feelings I had while recording these songs.

How much I thought of you. How much I missed you. How much I wanted us to be together but was so afraid…so afraid of losing you forever. You're my best friend, Ciara. And now…wow. Now look at us. It's a strange thing we have going but it works.

Some day…maybe I'll be able to make you mine. Until then…I'll enjoy every moment we have.

Okay, Larger than Life. Um, you really didn't come to play here. Fan song. You're not really a fan. You're Cici.

I Want it That Way: What a nightmare this song was. Politics over words? How stupid.

But, in the middle of the weird words I did think of you. How you want things, how I want things…but just so we're a "we" I'm okay. And even though I don't act like it…you are the only one I desire. (Is this cheesy enough for you? Should have told you to bring some wine to your listening party)

She laughed through her tears on that. The song had been on the radio for a month or so already but his voice in it just sent her over the edge. So mature. So sweet, so full.

Wiping away her tears, she willed herself not to read the next paragraph until the song started. When it did…she couldn't breathe. They'd reached vocal perfection. Damn.

Show Me The Meaning: This song deals with the death of someone and was written by Max for Denniz. Very moving. I've not really experienced that kind of loss, but the words, "Tell me why can't I be there where you are; there's something missing in my heart." Yeah…those are for you. I miss you so much.

"I miss you too, Nicky…" God, where was he today? Paris? Jesus…

It's Gotta Be You: Oh yeah…all the way. Every word. It's a fun song, but the words…they're all yours, Cici. You kinda-get-me-go CRAZY!

Okay, that song just kicked. "Babay, it's the way ya'…" She liked it a lot and couldn't wait to see them do it on tour. Months away yet. Long, long months.

I Need You Tonight: Um…you know how I feel about this one. I've sung it to you before in concert, whether you've been there or not. Wrong or right, Ci…

Nothing. She had nothing left and the CD wasn't even half way over. How the hell was she going to get work done today? "What'd you do this morning, Miss Cici?" "Oh, I just bawled my eyes out at the Backstreet Boys, CD." Yeah, that'd go over well.

Don't Want You Back: Uh, other than being a victim of your sexuality, no. You know who I should be singing it to and I thought of her plenty. Someday. I'll break free…someday.

Okay, this song was a bit dorky. And Kevin? What a riot. Next.

Don't Wanna Lose You Now: Wow, um…how do I put this? I worry I'll be singing this some day with you. Sometimes it's too good to be true. I get scared. I'm glad I have a song to say it because I don't think I ever could. And check out the arranging credits on this one. Yay me!

Yay you. Wow. She couldn't think, couldn't breathe. She felt the same way about everything on here. But fear? Oh yeah. It made no sense, their relationship. Not a bit of sense. But yet…she couldn't live without it. At all.

The One: Yep. Every word. A promise I made to myself years ago. I'll never forget it.

What? When? What was he…what a cool song with really romantic words. How long again? Oh yeah…two months. Shit.

Back to Your Heart: Although this is a break-up/make-up song, I always thought of you when we worked on this one. And Mr. Kevin kicked ass on it, dontcha think?

Spanish Eyes: So they're green, not brown. Eh, I can adapt, can't you? This is one of my favorite songs on here. Pass me some of that wine. This is cheesy…and I mean every moldy word of it.

Cheesy was right. She didn't like this one, but the sentiment was dear. Next.

No One Else Comes Close: I'm not sayin' a word. Just listen to it. Every last word of it.

She was happy to see there was one song left, because she truly didn't think she could take any more of this. It made her miss him more and brought to light just how much he cared for her. And she felt the same for him. But…it just wasn't meant to be. Not now.

Maybe not ever. It was heartbreaking.

Perfect Fan: I'm not on this one, Ci. I couldn't do it. Brian's still mad at me about it and he should be. My mom is not the perfect fan and I just…well I'll fake it for shows is all I gotta say. Now, you? Yeah…you're my perfect fan. Because if I wanted to give this all up tomorrow, you'd still be there. And that's my perfect fan.

Sweet song, Brian, but yeah…no way could Nick do this one. How awful of a decision that had to be. Why didn't he talk to her about it? Damn, damn, damn.

There you have it. Millennium. It's our best yet and I can't wait to see you out in the crowd. Talk to you soon.

Nick

And that was it. Millennium Nick and Ciara style. She loved it. Forever this music would mean more to her than it would to anyone else. But now, it was time to go heal up some sick kids. Just like Nick had always done to her. With a gentle word, a genuine smile and his heart. Yeah, she could give that today, without question.

***

C: Is that THE Nickolas Gene Carter?

N: Is that THE Ciara Michelle Watkins?

C: You know it, baby! How the hell are you? Where the hell are you?

N: Tired. Dead. And um…god, lemme check. I have no idea…

C: I can imagine…

N: Rieden, Germany.

C: Are you at least having fun?

N: Sometimes, yeah…these fans can be wild. Makes performing a blast though.

C: How's um…yanno…

N: Mandy? Eh, tolerable. She's off shopping with Leigh right now.

C: I miss you.

N: Hey, wait a minute…what are you doing up now anyway?

C: Just got off work. Can't settle down to sleep.

N: I'm glad you're here. Gotta talk to you.

C: Okay…do you wanna call me?

N: Let's try this first. She checks my call log on the cell.

C: Such a peach…hit me.

N: Have you heard from my family at all?

C: No, not really…they've been in LA so much. Why? Is everything okay?

N: Yeah, well…they're there permanently now.

C: WHAT!? They left Tamp…..

Well, shit. So that means when he came home, he'd be in LA now. This was NOT a good thing.

N: Yep…while I'm on tour no less. Nice, huh?

C: Where are you…I mean, will you follow?

N: No. My home is Tampa.

C: What about all of your stuff?

N: They have most of it.

C: Your drums and keyboards and sound stuff? Nick…what are you going to do?

N: Well…Mandy's parents agreed to let me stay there between tour legs.

N: And I'll have to live without that stuff I guess.

Shit. Must be more serious with Mandy. Just what she suspected would happen. He deserved a real girlfriend, not this…this…mess they had going. But Mandy? Damn it all to hell.

C: You could have talked to me. I have two extra rooms, Nick.

N: I didn't have a chance. It'll just be for a month before the North American leg. I'm buyin'

my own place.

C: But until then…wait…let me. Yeah. I'm gonna call your family. Email me their new number and stuff. You can keep everything here.

N: Cici. No. I'll be okay.

C: No. That's your sanity. If Mom and Pop Williford won't let you keep it there, then it'll stay here in my office. I have the room.

N: Are you sure? I wasn't telling you so you'd do this.

C: I know. And yes, I'm totally sure. You need that stuff.

She fell silent just sick about the whole scenario. Such lack of concern for him. He truly was just their commodity…all the kids were. They'd now proven it to her.

N: Ci…you okay?

C: Just thinking. You just bought that house in LA for them…can you afford another? I mean…

N: I'm fine, Ci. And yeah. Nice of them to take it for a permanent home, huh?

C: Real nice. When the hell are you supposed to see your brother and sisters now?

N: Whenever I get out there, I guess.

C: Nick…

N: Yeah, I know.

C: What can I do?

N: Just…don't leave me.

Ouch. Damn. She'd never leave. She'd never be to him what she wanted to be. It couldn't happen. And frankly, right now, he couldn't be what she truly needed either. But leave him? No. No way. He was so scared. How was he really dealing with this?

C: I'm never gonna leave you, Nicky…are you being good?

N: Mmmm…I'm okay.

C: Nick…

N: Ci…

C: Don't play games with me. You're under more pressure than you should be.

N: I'm okay, Ci. And, shit. I guess shopping didn't go well…she's back.

C: Naturally. Okay…just a few more weeks and you'll be home…sorta.

N: Yeah…but I'll be able to see you. So, I'll be "home".

C: I'll try to have your stuff here by then too. They'll do it if I have to fly out there and load up the plane myself.

N: Don't bust your ass, Ci. I'll get it eventually.

C: Hush. Consider it done.

N: Thanks. I mean it.

C: I miss you. Thanks again for the CD and your letter.

N: I meant every word of it, Ci…

C: I listen every day.

There was a long silence as she ran a few of the songs and his accompanying words over in her head. The silence became longer and longer.

C: Nick? You there?

C: Oh Niiiiiiiiiick……

"This user has logged off."

"Well shit…bet he got booted. Or she…that little bitch." Ciara clicked off her ICQ, not in the mood to talk to anyone else who might hop on. Yep, Mandy was back. Poor guy. And now he was stuck as her family's roomy. How sick. Multi-million dollar pop star and he was forced to shack up with his girlfriend and her parents. The world was strange sometimes.

***

Ciara quietly closed the door to the waiting room and signed in at the registration desk.

She didn't like this office at all. Too sterile. Too…yuck. And today, too depressing. She'd had numerous tests run with this rheumatologist and although they couldn't conclusively say, they'd decided on a diagnosis for her continued hip and hand pain.

Just as Howie had feared.

Lupus.

Not a death sentence. Not a life sentence either. Chronic. Auto-immune like every other damned thing in her life. Painful, irritating, irregular, untreatable and potentially expensive.

She smiled politely at the receptionist and took a seat, grabbing a magazine to hopefully drown out her thoughts. She knew what the doc was going to say. "All we can do is treat the symptoms; we can't treat the disease itself. If you keep your blood sugar levels at a healthy level, this should remain benign and mild."

Yeah, yeah. If. Like she ever seemed to have much control over it all. Had to have tubes put in her ears two weeks prior. Like a sickly 2 yr. old. Her body just did not fight infection well, so colds would blow up into ear infections that would not heal. So, she lived with tubes. And now, this. Too much. She was tired of it. So, so tired.

Chapter Fifty Six

"Ciara Watkins?"

"Mmm?" Ciara looked up from the parenting magazine to the overly perky receptionist who'd called her name. Happy to stop reading about how to make your kid eat broccoli, she tossed the journal on the table and approached the window.

"Here is some information on your procedure you'll want to read over and sign. Also, just a small questionnaire concerning your," she leaned in to whisper, "sexual history and things. For the doctor, you know."

"Of course." For the doctor. Why the hell did he need to know how many partners she'd had and how long ago she'd had one to just remove her cervix?

"What kinds of questions are they asking?" Deanna had also tossed her reading aside and watched Ciara's reaction to the paper before her. Didn't look like it was going well.

"I'm in deep shit, Dee."

"Why's that?"

"Check this out…" She pulled out the informational sheet from the board and handed it to her friend. "Number four."

"No sexual relations for a period of two weeks following procedure." Uh-oh. Looking up from the paper, she asked, "When does he come home?"

"Friday. How in the HELL am I gonna…" She rubbed her forehead wishing this whole nightmare would just end. "Jesus…for like 10 days."

"Which uh…kinda spells out yet another reason you should have talked to him, Ci."

"Shit."

"Yep. You've done a number on this one, girl." Deanna picked up her magazine and buried her face in it. She was waffling between complete anger and total amusement.

Idiot. Ciara was being an idiot. And if she didn't watch it, she was going to be a lonely idiot. Nick Carter. She was playing Russian Roulette with Nick Carter. Maybe "idiot"

wasn't even close.

***

"How you feeling, girl?" Grammy night. It had become a tradition of the girls since the 2000 show to watch together. This year, Ciara could be a bit more relaxed since Deanna was in-the-know now. Which was good. She wasn't relaxed about anything else and it was great to have Dee there for support.

"Eh, not as crampy. Wasn't so bad, really. You want a pop?"

"Yep…have you talked to Nick since Monday?"

"Yeah, this afternoon. He's…I dunno." Ciara handed Dee her favorite drink and got the VCR set up to tape this evening's events.

"What's up with him? With them? They seem to be unraveling or something."

"No kidding, huh?" Tossing the remote on the coffee table, Ciara plopped down on the couch, folding her legs up on the cushion. "He won't talk, Cee. I have no idea. They've had some meetings this week, so we'll see what happens, I guess."

"Think they'll win?"

"Nope. Neither do they. It's U2's night."

"Probably…ooh…Joanie's got 'em."

"Wonderful."

The two friends watched all of the pre-show events, laughing at their insanity while trying to catch every station's coverage. Insanity. Fortunately, the award the boys were up for was first and they presented second. No win. No thrill with the presentation except for Nick's nice wandering eye on Pink's ass as it hung out of her costume.

"Did you see that? What a dork."

"What a man. God." Ciara clicked the television off and looked down at her belly as it growled. "Okay, I'm not in the mood to sit and suffer through all of this, are you?"

"No…who'd he go with anyway?" Deanna got up from the couch offering Ciara a hand.

Time to eat.

"Thanks. He went with Aaron. I don't know, Dee…things seem so ominous or something."

"With you two or with work? And I want pizza. Now."

"Oh, work. We're fine…for now. Pizza it is."

"Yeah, well your clock's running out. What are you going to do Friday when he comes home?"

"Tell him I'm having a raging period. That'll get us through the weekend and I work Monday. I should be fine."

"When are you planning on talking to him? He's not stupid."

"I don't know. You know, you're so hell bent on me telling him about this and it's no big deal. It's not like I actually ha d cancer."

"I know that. I understand you got it removed to just avoid any future concern, but the point is, most women can't just get their cervix yanked out. You can…"

"…because I don't need it. I know, I know."

"And THAT'S what you owe him the truth about. Your procedure would have been the perfect door to get into the conversation. And you're blowing it."

"You don't know that."

"That you're blowing it? Hell yes, I do. You're lying to him. Nothing positive comes from that, Ci. You know this from Bill if nothing else."

"Oh don't EVEN compare me with that prick. I'm lying to…to…"

"To what!? To keep him around so you're not alone? And why did Bill lie to you?"

Shit. God damn her. "You got any money for this pizza, Dear Abby?"

"Yes, and don't start dodging me." Deanna got her purse and stuffed a twenty into her friend's hand. "Why did Bill lie to you, Cici?"

"To keep me around…for my money…for the status of being married…so he wouldn't be alone."

No more words were needed. She was stooping to Bill's level. Okay, so not to the full degree Bill had, but yep. She was lying to keep him. Period. Otherwise, this was serving no purpose whatsoever. And now, she felt so far into it, she didn't know how to get out.

He had been slipping away with concerns about his career. His time away was putting a wedge between them that had never been there before. Even in the year they were apart, there was still some sort of connection. She felt it fading and she was petrified, so she was clinging onto every last ounce of what she could. For now, it was what she knew and what he didn't. And it was wrong.

"Okay, you win. I'm an ass. Can we just drop it now? I can't deal with it right now."

"You don't ever wanna deal with it."

"It'll work, Dee. It just has to." Ciara cut off the conversation by dialing up the pizza joint and placing her order. She was tired of thinking about it all. Truth was the ominous feeling she'd been having wasn't just about his work. It was everything. Seemed like they were reaching an impasse that neither knew anything about. It scared her. Could they pull through it or was this the beginning of facing life without him in it?

***

"God, you're a sight for sore eyes. I missed you so much." Nick slid into bed with Ciara swallowing her up in his arms. A cancelled flight left him in LA one extra night and they'd agreed that he would just meet her at her house, no matter how late. Well, she gave up and went to bed. Boredom. Depression. Worry about what was to come had sent her straight to bed.

"Mmmm…you finally made it, huh?" She rolled over and cupped his face in her hands, softly kissing him. So beautiful. Every time she looked at him, she couldn't believe he was real.

"Yeah. Finally. I'm dead."

"Me too. I was just dozing off here."

"Go back to sleep. I'm gonna change and I'll be in, okay?"

"Mmmm…" She rolled back to her side, curling into the blankets hoping he was as tired as he said. She wanted him and bad, but there was no way she was going to risk pulling sutures and having a bigger mess to explain. Nope. In her time he'd find it all out. Now was not her time.

The night was fine. He was dead tired, but come morning, she was awakened to soft, wet lips on her neck and working their way down her shoulders. Damn. He felt so good. She could feel his erection pressing against her backside and inadvertently pressed back.

How was she going to do this? She wanted him. In every way. Now though, it was time to test this relationship. Could he be satisfied being her support system and not just her sexual partner?

"'Morning, baby."

"'Morning. That feels great."

"You taste great…come 'ere." He rolled her on her back and brushed her curls from her face, drinking her in. That early morning "grog" was so damned sexy. Her eyes were half-mast, faint sheet wrinkles dotted her cheeks and her lips seemed to wake up just waiting to be kissed. So he did.

She gave into his kiss. How could she not? She gave into his touch. How could she not?

She gave into his…no. She could not. She had to get out of this somehow.

Squirming away and offering a quick kiss she rolled out of bed. "Damn…Nick…I'm sorry.

Hang on."

"What the…" Nick plopped onto his back sinking into the pillows. She must not feel well or something. Nice timing. "You okay, Ci?"

"Yeah…I just…I'm sorry. Hang on." God, she sucked at lying. Fortunately there was some blood involved after this procedure, but…hardly anything awful. Dee was right.

She'd been stupid. Flushing the toilet she made her way back into the room. "Hey…I'm sorry."

"It's okay…what's up?"

"My period…"

"Oh. Well that's not good."

"No, it's not. I was afraid the timing would be off. Not like I'm ever regular or anything anyway, but…" Sliding in bed next to him, she kissed his forehead, brushing the long bangs out of the way. "I'm really sorry."

"What are you gonna do? It happens. We can just snuggle today." He sat up and held out an arm so she could curl up against him. "I'm all for that too. Just so you're here."

"Yeah, I'm here Nick. Always here."

***

Well, either she was having one helluva period, she was upset about something or she was up to something. Either way, Nick was not a happy camper at all. She'd claimed feeling sick the next day and exhaustion took over the following days as she began a long stretch at work. And he could hear/see/feel her completely closing off from him in every way. What the hell was going on?

Finally, he'd had enough. Making some excuse about getting called for extra recording sessions, he left early for New York. Just a few days but maybe without a work schedule to bog him down, he could actually get out and enjoy the town a bit. Sure, he'd prefer to be home enjoying Ciara, but that wasn't happening. He was confused about so many things. So, it was time for fun to come into play so he'd not have to think. Not have to feel. Not have to worry.

Ciara knew what was up. And she was not real happy about it but figured she'd done it to herself. Lying to Nick. What had happened that she felt the need to lie to him? Okay, keeping some things from him was fine, but lying? No. She had to talk. But he'd seemed so burdened with so many things. And now…he was gone. Back to New York with a flimsy excuse. He was running and she knew it. How far would he run? How long would he run?

Her two week mark came and went and Nick was still gone. Had been for a number of days. She missed him. They talked daily but yet…he was so far away. She said she'd never leave and he said the same. Had they lied about that too? No. She couldn't even think such things. Neither could he. Just a temporary bump in the road. Had to be. It just had to be.

Although, he wasn't behaving like it was a temporary bump. After another night that led well into the morning, Nick stumbled into his hotel room, groaning at the blaring lights he'd left on before he went out earlier. Smacking the switch off, he went into the bathroom turning the cold water on full force and filling a glass. Finishing it in a few huge gulps, he smacked the glass on the counter, grimacing when it occurred to him he could have broken it. He stripped down to his boxers and curled into bed grateful for the softness of the pillows, the warmth of the blankets.

Alone. Again. In a hotel room. Hadn't he spent enough nights alone in hotel rooms?

Even when he and Ciara had been apart he'd never really felt alone. Now? Now he did and he didn't like it at all.

Chapter Fifty Seven

Nick rolled over in bed, grabbing the empty pillow nearby and holding it close to his body imagining in his half-sleep state that it was Ciara. He’d missed her more than he could imagine. It was almost painful And here he lay, in the guest room at Mandy’s house feeling like a damned orphan. It was ridiculous. One leg of the tour down, 2 more to go. Could he actually make it through? He had almost completely self-destructed this time. He just didn’t know how much longer he could go on.

Finally waking completely, he remembered the email he’d read the last night in Sweden.

Ciara had all of his equipment at her house. She’d called his parents and gave them some sort of a guilt trip. Hell, they even paid the incredible cost of getting it shipped.

Full drum set, a couple of keyboards, synthesizers, amps, speakers, small sound board, mics…all of it was waiting for him to use, to play, to create. Maybe that’s just what he needed. Mandy was already gone to her own recording session for the day, so he was a free man.

Pulling his truck up her driveway, he already felt better. Yep. This is just what he needed.

Time with Cici. Time with his music. Time to be who he thought he should be…who he was comfortable being.

He keyed in her garage door code, grateful to see her car. Some day he’d probably have to start calling ahead. But for now, he made his way inside feeling a sense of peace instantly wash over him.

“Cici?”

“Nick! Oh my God…come here!” Ciara tossed the dishtowel over her shoulder and jumped up in his arms. How much she had missed this. His smile, his arms around her, his giggle.

He hugged her tightly and lowered her back to the floor, kissing her tenderly. “Is this a good time?”

“Yeah, it’s great. I’m sick again, but what the hell else is new?”

“What’s…oh, yeah…you sound like shit.”

“Why thank you. I feel like shit, too.” Popping him on the behind with the towel, she started to the back of the house, knowing full well why he was there. “Guess what I’m doing today?”

“No idea.” Following her, he started to laugh. The same old mouse slippers she’d had were still hanging on by a thread. Literally. “You know, for someone who can afford awesome sports cars, you sure have smarmy slippers.”

“Hey, leave my mice alone.” She stuck out her tongue and opened the door to her office.

“Our room for today, my dear…hope everything’s set up okay.”

“Ciara…oh wow. You set all of this up?” His complete drum kit was out as well as the keyboards, synthesizers and sound board. She had it set up almost identically to how it had been in his Tampa home. He didn’t even think she’d noticed.

“Actually…no. I had a guy from work help out. He used to play in a band and kinda got off on being able to play around. Hope you don’t mind.”

“No! No! This is…my god, Ci. This is great.”

“So, I’m glad you’re here. I’m gonna be online here in a minute. Deanna and I have some tickets to buy.”

“Oh yeah? Who for?”

“That group that’s real popular now. Oh, what’s their name? Five guys, real cute. They kinda sing good too…Backstage…Backdoor…Backgeek?”

“You’re a brat. I can get you tickets anyway. Ticketmaster sucks.”

“No, let me try. Deanna has no idea I know you, so I’m going at this like a good little fan should. It’s just for the Tampa show in December anyway.”

“Good. I’ll get you seats for a few more.”

“I was counting on it.” Looking up at the clock, she jumped. “Oh shit. Lemme throw on some clothes. Sale starts in 10 minutes.”

“I’m gonna…” He moved around to his drum set and found his bag of sticks. “Yeah…I’m just gonna…” Slowly sitting down he lightly tapped at the toms and snare, barely hitting the head of them, just getting the feel for their set-up and deciding if any adjustments needed to be made. “…gonna kinda…”

“Play, Nick. You play. This is why I brought them here. You need this, baby.” Looking to her in mid-snare adjustment, he smiled. Big. First genuine smile to reach his face in way too long. “Yeah, this and you and I’ll be just fine.”

“You got it. I’ll be right back.”

***

“What a total pain in my ass that was! I need food.”

“I can’t believe they both sold out in 10 minutes, Ci…that’s nuts.”

“Orlando, Ft. Laud…added shows. All gone.”

“I’ll get you seats. You can come up with some excuse to how you got ‘em don’t you think?”

“Probably. I can tell her a broker or something. Can you go anywhere public?”

“Yeah, but can YOU? You don’t look so good.”

“It’s just another sinus infection…ear infection…whatever. I’m okay.” His face showed nothing short of deep concern. He didn’t know she’d been having these all the time. In fact, the more he thought about it, she never mentioned much about her health anymore. Just the obvious blood sugar crap that would happen now and again.

He’d been so pre-occupied with all things Backstreet the past…god, how long had it been…that he wondered if he just missed it. “You sure? We can just order in.”

“No, I want out of this house. Missed work the past few days. I’m getting cabin fever.

Let’s go…eh, let’s hit Brandon. We’ll find something. You wanna drive?”

“Hell yeah…gimme those keys.”

As she opened her door, she peeked over the black roof to see his blonde tuft disappear inside. “Don’t forget to move the…”

“OH SHIT!” Out popped the blonde head again, blue eyes bugging out and pain written all over his face. “Woman!”

“…to move the seat back.” Cheesy grin. “I can’t help it I’m short.”

“God damn.” Sliding the seat back, he finally got in comfortably, sending one more teasing glare Ciara’s way. “Short my ass. You’re a fuckin’ midget. You’re gonna make me whack it off some day.”

“Oh now…that would be a travesty. Can’t have that.”

As they drove into Brandon, Nick was quiet wondering how he might be able to get Ciara to join him more often on tour. This last leg was a nightmare and Kevin was about to kill him. It’d already been arranged that his dad was going to be driving his bus. Keep him in line. And, of course, Mandy would be around for most of the shows. She was working on getting her own singing career jump started so any exposure had to be good exposure.

Forget that the fans hated her. Forget that she had no concept on how to treat them anyway. Add the given pressures of touring, continued business pressures and just…hell, just being nineteen, and Nick’s life was a mess. But when he was with Ciara…it all felt balanced. Good. Peaceful. Together. How could he guarantee he’d see her more, have her around more?

“Penny for your thoughts…”

Nick broke out of his daydream hearing her voice and reached over for her hand. “I’m just realizing how much I missed you this summer. Wondering how I can get you to join us more often.”

“Mmmm…I might be able to show up to a few shows here and there. Depends on work and all.”

“Yeah, I just feel…I dunno…more…stable? Is that right? Yeah…more stable with you around.”

“Hmm. Stable, huh? Wanna talk about this summer? You haven’t sounded good at all last few times we talked.”

“Cuz I’m not. I still am furious with my parents. Now Dad’s driving my bus this next leg.

Kevin’s sick of me being a shit.”

“You? A shit? No….” Ciara winked at him, figuring he was just bored and not taking things seriously enough for Kevin’s tastes.

“Yeah, Ci…a shit.” He wasn’t kidding. It wasn’t a joke. It’d been bad. Real bad. Mandy was no help, but he didn’t seem to have the balls to do anything about it either.

Somehow having her there was a bit of a comfort, even though most of the time she made his life miserable. Obviously, he hated to be alone. But why? What was so bad about being alone? “I guess they think I still need a babysitter.”

“Do you?”

Nick pulled up to the red light and looked over at her. Her green eyes were bright in the sun light and casting off a glow of pure maternal love. He loved it. Never felt it from his mom...well, not often enough, and definitely not lately. Shaking his head at the audacity of that thought…how can you be attracted to the mothering of someone and still want to jump her bones…he squeezed her hand and inched forward as the traffic gave way.

“Sometimes, Ci…yeah. I think I do.”

“I guess we all do now and again.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” Nick pulled into the mall area slowing down to get some feedback on where to go. “Applebees?”

“Yeah, it’s good.” She processed the expression he’d had on his face. The sheer seriousness of his worry. It scared her. Where was the happy boy she met so many years ago? What had this life he’d chosen done to him? “Nick?”

“Uh-huh?”

“You okay? You know…you always are asking me that…but maybe…maybe it’s time to ask you.”

Parking the car and pulling up the parking brake, Nick turned in his seat and took Ciara’s hand in his again. “Right this minute? Yes, I’m more than okay.”

“Are you happy?”

“Now?”

“No…in general, Nick. Are you happy?”

“No.” He looked down at their hands, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles noticing the swelling that had shown up since he left months ago. “I’m not, Ci. I’m sick of it all right now. I mean, we’re at the peak of our career and so many things are just so fucked up. I don’t know how to deal with it all sometimes.”

“So what do you do?”

“Perform my ass off. Party too hard. Hide in my room.” He brought his eyes up to meet hers. “Come see you.”

She had to smile at that. Because he was her refuge as well. Maybe it wasn’t the best foundation for a relationship but right now it was what they had and it was what they needed.

“Yeah, I get that. I always feel better when you’re here, too.” He leaned in and kissed her forehead, eyelids, cheeks, nose and finally her lips. “I can’t do this without you, Ci.”

“Then you can do it. Cuz I’m not goin’ anywhere, okay?” He nodded and kissed her nose again, breaking the serious moment. “Lemme get my hat out…I should be okay.”

“Yeah, I’ll take my shot in here. Don’t need rumors of you being seen with a druggie out there.”

“Shit…let ‘em talk. Just being seen with someone other than Mandy’s gonna get the rumor mill churning anyway.”

“Oohh…can we do some PDA to really get their juices flowin’?”

“No, but we can to get mine flowing.”

“Later, big guy. Later.” She pulled up the hem of her shirt and administered her shot before Nick even realized what happened. “Okay, pop star. Let’s eat.”

***

Before they knew it, they were saying good-bye again. She’d meet them in Vegas and end up the leg in Florida. At this point, it was all she could manage. But Vegas was still a month away. Hopefully having Bob around would keep Nick a bit more balanced. He wanted to be good. He wanted to keep it together. But could he?

Ciara threw herself into work, spending many of her days sleeping and most of her nights taking care of sick kids. It wasn’t a bad thing. It just wasn’t a good thing either.

Fortunately, Ciara had a babysitter waiting in the wings as well.

“Heya, chickie. Where you been hiding?” Deanna took a break in her rounds to pop in to see Ciara who was scowling at the computer screen behind the nurse’s station.

“Hey, Dee. Here. In bed. I’ve just making up the time I keep losing from being sick, I guess.”

“Mmm…wanna do breakfast after work?”

“Yeah…yeah…I’d like that.”

So, they did. And Ciara was grateful for the break. The change. She could spiral herself into a work/sleep pattern so fast it wasn’t funny. And really, it wasn’t healthy. She didn’t eat right when she slept for 10 hours a day. And when she didn’t eat right, nothing else went right either.

“So, you’re going work-aholic on me, huh?”

“I guess so…that and sleep-aholic. I’m bored, Dee.”

“Well, you need some other interests, girl. You need…a man.”

“Ugh. I do not need a man. They’re nothing but trouble.”

“You just haven’t found the right one yet.”

“Oh, and you’re the expert, huh?”

“Ha. I just thought we could look together is all. Get your ass out on the town a bit. Live a little.”

“Probably wouldn’t hurt.” Ciara popped a forkful of eggs into her mouth and smiled.

“There is this someone…”

“Oh yeah? You been holding out on me?”

If she only knew. “No, not really. He’s a nurse in the ER. Helped me put my cat flap in my mud room door….helped me move some stuff I’m keeping in storage for a friend…”

“Oooh…so he’s good with his hands? Can’t beat that. What’s his name and why the hell haven’t you told me about him?”

“Dennis. And uh…cuz I’ve been working and sleeping and not talking to anyone? I dunno.” Ciara shrugged wondering why she hadn’t told Dee herself. And why she hadn’t pursued this guy a bit more. He was cute, handy and definitely interested. What the hell was she waiting for? Nick? Ha.

“Well get the hell outta your cave, woman. Live a little.”

“Yes, you’re right. I’ll do that. I think he works tonight too. Maybe we can all do breakfast tomorrow? Pick up someone for you?”

“Perfect. You know….”

“What?”

“I’m sick of babysitting you. You’ve got to take better care of yourself.”

“I do fine, Dee.”

“Not your health. I can’t speak on that. Seems like you lose no matter what you do there.

But I mean…YOU. Cici…you need to take care of that.”

“Yeah, I know. Hey, I’m headed to Vegas next week. That’s something.”

“Oohhh…and you didn’t invite me!?”

“Sorry. Visiting an old friend. I’ll only be gone 3 days.”

“Still, Vegas, baby. That sounds great.”

“I hope so. I need to get away from here. I just hope I don’t end up sick again.”

“I’m sure you’ll be good.”

“Oh, I don’t wanna be GOOD…I’m going to Vegas. I just want to be WELL.”

***

And she was both. Good and well. Mandy wouldn’t let Nick out of her sight, but at least she’d been able to touch base with him, get him out of his perform/sleep/rehearse/perform routine a bit and take a small vacation herself. She even won about $80 at the slot machines. Not bad at all.

And the show…wow. What a show. She couldn’t wait to see it again. Problem was, it wasn’t gonna be for another six weeks or so. December. Forever. She hated it. But, this time she’d see it with Deanna and be posing as a fan. Nick was able to get them seats near the stage, but not so near Dee would suspect any connections. And seeing it with Dee was going to be a riot. She’d discovered the boys after Millennium came out and was completely wrapped up in them. Almost fanatical. Listening to her go on and on about how hot Kevin and AJ were just about put her under the table. She couldn’t blink.

Couldn’t react. Couldn’t laugh. To her, they were just Kev and AJ…but Dee had them idealized as…well…as pop stars. So, those shows ought to be a blast. See it from a fan’s perspective.

Until then, it was life as usual. Missing Nick. Starting a new relationship with Dennis and working, working, working. Or at least she thought…

“Hello?”

“Ah, good. You’re home. You’re up.”

“Yeah, AJ…I wake up to ringing phones at 1 am. What’s up, baby?” Shit. This couldn’t be good. She sat up, running her hand through her hair trying to reach full consciousness.

“It’s Nick. Ci…you have to get out here somehow.”

“Where are you?”

“New Orleans tonight. But, Ci. He needs you…just like I’d fear last leg. But now…”

“Does he know you’re calling me, AJ?”

“Yeah, he’s not happy about it, but he knows.”

“Jesus. Well, AJ, if he didn’t want you to call, maybe he doesn’t want me around right now. Maybe he just wants to deal on his own.” Frankly, this was almost getting old. Who the hell hired her to be his babysitter? She was his friend, his...well, yeah…his lover. But his caretaker? Uh, no.

“I’m sure that’s true, but Ci…I don’t know what else to do.”

“What’s going on…isn’t his dad there?”

“Yeah, he is and it’s helping. A lot. But…ugh. I promised him I wouldn’t say anything other than he needs you. Just tell me when and where and we’ll set you up with us.”

“Okay, hang on. Lemme get our schedules worked out. It’s gonna have to be over a break, AJ. I have no sick leave or vacation time left.”

“Whatever.”

Ciara hopped off her bed and ran downstairs for her calendar and work schedule. As frustrating as this was, she liked that she was his refuge when life got too overwhelming.

And really…isn’t that what friends were supposed to be for one another?

Looking the dates over on her way back up, she realized that she had a long stretch after working Thanksgiving night. They’d be in Lexington until Sunday and then…eek.

Knoxville. Oh well. Last she heard, Bill was MIA anyway. But, the best part of this whole thing…it was less than a week away.

“Okay, J…how ‘bout I come to Lex, maybe even following to Knoxville? I work Thanksgiving night, I can catch a flight Friday morning and be up there…hell, by lunch time depending on when I take off.”

“Perfect. I’ll make the arrangements. When can you be at the airport?”

“Um, I get off at 7, can shower and change at the hospital…let’s say 8:30 just in case.”

“Good. Okay, someone will call you back with the times and all. This is on me, girl. No worries, okay?”

“AJ…is he gonna be alright?”

“Yeah. I mean.” She heard him taking a drag on his cigarette, probably debating on an answer. “Yeah. He will. Knowing you’d even do this for him has got to help.”

“Tell him I’m on my way.”

“Will do…thanks, baby.”

“Take care of him for me, okay?”

“Yep…talk to you soon.”

What the hell was going on? Why was she suddenly the Backstreet healer? Or at least Nick’s healer? What was he doing? Why was he hurting so? This had been such a successful tour, successful album…it made no sense. Although, financial success, celebrity…it wasn’t what could make you happy. Nick was still searching for that, wasn’t he? As was she.

Totally awake now, she got back out of bed and made her way downstairs to her office.

After spending an hour playing around on the keyboards, fiddling with some tunes she’d heard Nick working on and coming up with a few of her own, she gave up and turned on her computer. It had been awhile since she’d checked out stuff online about the boys.

Maybe the fans would be able to clue her into what was going on. Couldn’t hurt anyway.

Chapter Fifty Eight

“Wonder if anyone’s missed me in cyber land.” She flipped her monitor on and waited for her browser and email to load. Ciara finally had a day off and decided to take advantage of it. Nick was still in New York and they’d only spoken a few brief times. He was pissed. She was not in the mood to deal with a sniveling idiot. She knew their relationship was more than sex, but damn, you don’t just go running off if you’re not getting any. Forget that the refusals were based on a cover-up. Forget that the truth behind them might end everything anyway. Ciara was mad. And tired. And lonely. So, online time might fill that void. Besides, she loved checking in with Nick this way. Via the fans. They always had some interesting stories to tell. And no matter how outlandish some were, there always seemed to be truth woven within every one of them.

She quickly filed through her email deleting the retarded forwards from her mother and sisters, saving the dirty jokes from AJ and Deanna and laughing her ass off at the porn spam. How the hell she ended up with it, she never knew, but it was always worth a good laugh.

Making her way to the message boards she’d frequented for years, she found an interesting thread. And a long one. Reluctantly, she opened it up. “Nick partying in NYC!” Ignoring the few words in the first post, she clicked the link to the accompanying picture. As it downloaded onto her screen, her heart fell to her knees. Her stomach rose to her throat. Yep, it was Nick. Partying alright. This alone wouldn’t normally be a surprise to her. She wasn’t stupid enough to think he was a saint when she wasn’t around. Hell, he wasn’t one when she was. They’d had their fair share of drinking binges together. Plus, she’d seen plenty of pictures of him when AJ was in rehab and worried even then about the frequency and intensity of it, but she also knew he was petrified at what might happen to them. No biggie.

This one though…his eyes. They looked…he was definitely not just drunk. He also had a two-bit floozy hanging off of him, but somehow she suddenly became invisible…silicon and all. His eyes. His flushed cheeks. The dazed expression. The fact that he had a water bottle and not alcohol in his hand. It added up to absolutely no good. She checked the body of the initial post again and sure enough the picture was taken just a few days prior.

As she skimmed through the rest of the thread, she clicked other links to other nights in New York where he’d been out. Almost every night he’d been gone was represented here.

Almost every damned night. She quickly left the thread, not having any concern over a fan’s opinion of the pictures. She could have painted their portrait anyway. “Who’s the floozy?” “Why doesn’t it ever look like he’s having fun when he’s partying?” “Where’s that bimbo that was on the cruise with him…I see he has someone else already.” And her favorite, “He’s just tired. Nick doesn’t drink. See? He has water.” As calmly as she had turned on the PC, she turned it off, stood and went to bed. Sleep optional.

***

“Mmmmm…I missed you baby.” Nick wrapped his arms around Ciara thankful to be home. He’d been ridiculous in his anger at her and even more-so in leaving so hastily.

He knew it now, especially as he felt the warmth of her arms around him. What an idiot.

“I missed you, too.” She pulled away from the hug, briefly looking in his eyes, thankful that the normal blue shine was there. Damned well better be.

Pulling him all the way inside, she stood by the couch holding his hand, not looking at him, showing little emotion. The only movement was her thumb rubbing softly along his knuckles. Nick tossed his bag on the couch, not sure what was going on, definitely feeling a negative vibe from her. She obviously had something on her mind, but wasn’t…god, this was so uncharacteristic of her. What the hell? “Can I at least have a kiss, Ci?”

Rarely was her anger quiet, but this time, quiet was how it hit. It scared even her.

Problem was, he looked pathetic and his lips were always an invitation to distraction. So, without much emotion, she reached up on her tiptoes, still unable to look at him and softly kissed him. Then she started to walk away.

“Ci…please. Talk to me. I’m…I’m sorry I left the way I did. I…I was being an ass.” She stopped in her tracks, turning to him and silently nodded. She didn’t know what to say. How to get this little conversation started. As she finally looked in his eyes, she was in shock with this overwhelming feeling that she was, for the first time, looking at a stranger. It hurt. Deeply.

“Where are you, Ci? Baby…” Now he was getting downright scared. What was…this was maddening.

She silently pulled on his hand, and led him back to the office, flipping the monitor on.

She continued her silence as she sat down, watching the screen slowly fade from black to a picture in a Yahoo photo album. The picture she’d seen a few days ago. She continued her silence and clicked “next” on the page showing another picture of another night of another party and another female hanging off of him. Next. Next. Next. Next. Six. He’d been gone 9 days and there were photos of him “partying” six of those nights. God knew if he’d partied any other nights without a damned photography crew present.

By picture two, Nick had fallen pale. He pulled up a chair and sat next to her looking at his “reflection” in the monitor. He looked like shit in every one of them and he knew full well why. He also knew right where she was going with this. Never had he wanted to run out of a room so badly…yet he knew he had better stay. Whatever she was going to say was going to be dead on and somehow, deep inside, he knew he needed to hear it.

Without looking away from the monitor, Ciara finally started to talk. She closed the link to the photo album and just stared at the screen. “You know, the women? They don’t bother me. We’ve never professed exclusivity. I have been and I felt like you had been. If you haven’t that’s both of our faults for not being honest with each other earlier.” Somehow Nick found his voice, although it was weak and raspy like he’d just been kicked in the gut. Hadn’t he? “No one else, Ci. I promise. No one else. They were just girls at the clubs who wanted in a picture.”

Keeping her eyes in the monitor she simply nodded. For some reason, she believed him, although she couldn’t for the life of her figure out why. Besides, it truly was not the issue.

“Tell me, Nick. What do I do for a living?”

“You’re a nurse, Ci…what kind of…”

“Yes, I’m a nurse. A medical professional.” She finally turned away from the monitor and looked toward him, but not at him. Anger flying out of her eyes. “Do you remember where I worked after my divorce…when I got back from Tennessee?”

“Um…you did ER stuff, right?” What the hell…

“Yes, Nick, I did. Saw all kinds of things in there. Learned more than any medical book could teach.” She got up and walked around his chair, still not looking at him. She couldn’t bear it because, as always, one look in his eyes, which were most likely quite pitiful at the moment and she’d be gone. She’d cave. She’d let him get away with it. And she lov-….yes, she loved him too much to do that. “I need you to join me in the kitchen.” She started down the hall stopping only when she realized he wasn’t directly behind her.

Looking back, she saw a man defeated. His hands were fiddling with one another in his lap and his gaze was at the wall. The bare wall.

“Nick, please don’t make this more difficult than it already is. Come here.” He didn’t move, but to turn his gaze to her. “Am I gonna lose you, Ci?”

“I’m here, Nick. But you have some decisions to make. Please…” She held her hand out to him from the hall and he finally stood and joined her. Before going to the kitchen he pulled her in and buried his head in her neck. He said nothing. There was nothing to say.

But she did welcome him. She needed to feel him, needed to hold him, needed to be reminded, at least in part, why she wasn’t throwing him out of her house. This was worth working for. And now…pulling away, it was time for work.

This time he followed her and she motioned to her counter. “Hop up.”

“Huh?”

“Hop up there…I need you up on the counter.”

“Okayyy…” He did as asked hiking himself up onto the counter by her stove. A woman of mystery. He used to like that about her. Now he wasn’t so sure.

“Open that cabinet right there, huh?” She was pretending to be busy. Putting dishes from the dishwasher away, just generally distracting herself. Oddly enough, he figured the cabinet held glasses or something. It was the smallest one in the kitchen, like the one his mom used for baking goods, salt, spices and things. Opening it up, he gasped at what was inside.

“Oh God, Cici…” A three shelved cabinet. Top shelf had typical top shelf stuff, especially for a short person. Odd shaped dishes, extra matches…that sort of thing. But the first and second shelf. How in the world could he have been here so many times and have no idea? How could he have traveled with her and never noticed? What in the hell were all of these for?

Bottles and bottles of medications. Huge, almost industrial sized bottles, smaller normal sized bottles. White, transparent brown, child proofed, non-child proofed. A few over-the-counter, but a good 90% of them were prescription. Sure he’d seen her take meds before. Typically walked in on her tossing her head back with a few pills in her mouth, followed by a glass of fruit juice. He’d seen her take medication for over 10 years. But this? This many?

“Go ahead, Nick. Take one out. Read the label.”

He pulled a smaller bottle from the front bottom shelf and read the label.

“Mes…Mestinon?”

“Yep. Know what it’s for?” She stopped busying herself and looked up to him knowing his answer.

“Nope.”

“Myasthenia. My muscle weakness.” Back to work.

“Oh…your power pills for when your arms don’t wanna work right.”

“Yep. Take it every day…get another one.”

He pulled down another bottle and read it. “Demerol. That’s a painkiller, isn’t it?”

“Yep. And a narcotic, but I take it daily. Get another.” He put the two bottles down and grabbed a third. “No…keep those in your hand. I’ll help when you need it.” She finally stopped her activity and stood by him, leaning in to see what bottle he’d grabbed each time.

He had no idea what the hell she was up to, but somehow knew he’d better just comply.

He reached up and grabbed another bottle, reading the label. She’d report what it was for and how often she took it. Another bottle, and another and another. After a few more small ones, his hand was full and she started pulling them off the shelf, holding for him to read and putting them in his cupped hands. As his hands filled, her pace increased.

He tried to set them down on the counter to hold new ones but she’d stop him, until eventually bottles were falling out of his arms and onto the floor. She didn’t stop. She pulled bottle after bottle after bottle off the shelf, and by the time the cabinet was empty, her pace had become downright frantic. He wasn’t even reading anymore, she was just spouting off how often she took that pill and what it was supposed to be for. All he could do was follow her movement with his eyes wanting to stop her, knowing he couldn’t. She was almost manic.

“Is that it? Are they all out?”

“Jesus, Ci…yeah. What the hell…these are everywhere…” He looked down to the kitchen floor at the bottles he’d dropped as they rolled on the floor, close to her feet where she could slip on them.

She finally looked down too. Yep. Everywhere. Oh well. “Why do I take all those meds, Nick?”

Closing his eyes, unable to bear the glare in her eyes, he whispered, “Because you’re sick.”

She touched his cheek, making him open his eyes and look at her. “Yes, Nick. I’m sick.

Did you catch how many different things these were all for?”

“I…God, Ci…I lost track.” He couldn’t look at her either. His eyes were fixated on the mound of bottles cradled in his arms. So damned many.

“How about how many of them were for pain or something relating to my Lupus or Myasthenia…or better yet some disease I’ve never even discussed with you because all they can do is treat my symptoms, huh? How many, Nick?”

“I don’t know, Ci.” He was losing grip on the bottles in his arms and more tumbled to the floor, only for her to ignore them. “Can I please put these..”

“No. Not yet. Why do I take all of these, Nick? Why?”

“I just said…”

“Yes, I’m sick…but do they make me well?”

Stop looking at me like that! “Well, no, not really.”

“No, you’re right. Do the pain pills take away the pain, Nick?”

“No.”

“I take all this shit every day of my life. Not every pill every day, but every day I take a handful of pills. Not because I want to but because I HAVE to. And you know what? I still go to bed in pain every night. I still wake up in pain every goddamned morning. I still ache after we’ve made love.”

That finally made his eyes shoot up into hers. “After we…but, Ci…you’ve never…”

“Nope. Not worth it. You are though, Nick. I ache when I’ve sat on the couch watching TV for too long, or been on my feet too long at work. I still hurt when I put IV’s in patients and I still need help changing beds because patients are too heavy for me. Kids, Nick. Kids are too fucking heavy for me.”

His eyes fell downcast again, concentrating on one bottle rocking back and forth having freshly fallen from his grip. She couldn’t stop. Now that her floodgates had opened, she wasn’t going to stop. He was going to get it.

“I still brush my teeth more than once some mornings because I gag and I puke and have to do it again. Hell, I have to eat dinner more than once sometimes because I throw it up. The Reglan…where is that one?” She looked at the bottles left in his arms and not finding it, looked to the floor. “Here…this one. This drug that’s supposed to keep my nausea at bay when my food doesn’t digest properly doesn’t always work. So I am still sick after I eat. These…all of these, they help, but they don’t take the pain away, Nick.

They don’t take the pain away. Do you understand that?” She finally stopped her rampage and looked at him. Really looked at him. His breathing was rapid and his eyes were filled with tears, one particularly large one was sliding down his cheek. She reached up to wipe it away with her thumb. “I pay well over $400 a month in medication that was created to make me feel better and it doesn’t. To take my pain away and it doesn’t. But you know what? I still get up every morning and I don’t ask for more. This shit keeps me alive, but it doesn’t make my life pain free. It doesn’t take away my problems and it doesn’t fill the gaps my life has. But if I don’t take it…I’ll die. Are you following me yet, Nick?”

All he could do was blink back another tear. Yeah, he got it. He thought. “I’m so sorry, Ci.”

“Yeah, uh-huh. What are you running from, Nick? What kind of pain are YOU in? What is missing in your life? How in the hell do you think some stupid club drug is going to make your life better? Going to make the pain go away? Going to fill some gap in your life, if my medically necessary shit can’t do that, huh? What in the HELL are you thinking, Nick?”

He hung his head looking down at the few bottles of medicine left in his hands. “I just do it for the buzz. I don’t know…I just…it feels good. I…” Slowly looking up, he met her gaze, tears blurring his vision. “I have absolutely no excuse that makes any sense.”

“No, you don’t. You know, I’m fine with the drinking, although 6 out of 9 nights is a bit excessive, don’t you think? But the Ex? Nick? Fucking Ecstasy!!! One time, Nick and that shit can kill you.”

“Ex can’t kill me, Ci.”

“Who the FUCK do you think you’re talking to here? Mike, the brilliant body guard? I’m not some dumb-assed wanna-be, Nick. Let’s go back to where this started. Where did I work after Tennessee?”

He sighed, tired of her questioning, but…dammit. Why couldn’t she see that it was just for fun? “The ER…”

“Yes. Do you want to know how many toe tags I put on 22 year old feet who were just using Ex for fun?”

“They got a bad batch.”

“No, Nick…they didn’t. Pure, impure, it can kill you. I saw it happen. Numerous times. Is the sensation of touch that important to you that you’ll risk your life for it? Is your career that unimportant or that conflicted that you’d kill it for this? How about your fans, Nick…better yet…how about ME? Am I that unimportant that you’d risk your life… our life so you can get a buzz?”

Silence. Breathing. Waiting.

The final bottles in his hand crashed to the floor as he lost control of his tears and he sobbed, burying his face in his hands. She just let him go. And it killed her. He said nothing, she said nothing and somehow, she kept her touch from him. She wanted the totality of what he was doing, of what he was risking, of what he was saying about his feelings for her in these actions to completely sink in.

After what felt like hours but was only moments, she reached up and ran a hand through his sweaty hair. “Nick. Shhhhh…it’s gonna be okay. You’re going to be okay.” He simply nodded into her hand, wiping his tears and nose on his own. He couldn’t lose her…or his career…or his fans…or…or himself. So far, it was just recreation. Nothing addictive. But he was playing with fire again and he knew it. Why? Because it was there, and yes, the buzz was awesome. Did any of it equal how he felt when he was with her?

No. How he felt on stage? No. How he felt when he was with his brother? Hell no. There was no pain TO escape, no hole TO fill…and he knew it.

Finally calming down a bit, he looked into her eyes and smiled. Not a huge “Carter” smile, but a weak, loving, my-god-you-amaze-me smile. “I’m so sorry, Ciara. I’ve been so stupid.”

“Yep. This one was incredibly stupid.”

“I never…I never thought about you and how…I mean…Jesus. I was just pissed as hell feeling you shut me out again. I’m so fucking confused with the group and my personal career…I’m just…I just wanted to forget it all.” He buried his face in his hands again, not crying this time, but just overwhelmed at all she’d said to him.

“Why do you get that luxury and I don’t, huh?”

“I don’t. You’re right. I don’t. I need to just deal with it.”

“Yup. And Nick. If you want to deal with it with me in the picture?”

“Yeah?”

“Then you’ll stop. Now. I mean never again. I suspected drugs were your problem when you were with Mandy. AJ would never tell me anything and the sick relationship you two had coupled with all the pressure you were under was enough to explain everything to me…so I ignored it. But now? If you don’t stop?”

“Yeah…I know…”

”If you don’t…you’re out. I mean it. I’ll tolerate a lot of shit but drug use of any kind has NO place in my life. Medication is my survival. I will not let you use it for your plaything.

I’ll help you get help should you need it, but if you make no effort…I can’t be a part of your life anymore. It’s that simple.”

“I understand.”

“I know you’re tired but I want you to do one more thing for me.”

“Okay.”

“I’m gonna go get ready for work. I want you to pick up all of these bottles…read the labels again. Put ‘em all away. Don’t worry if it’s on the right shelf or not. They’ll end up right in a few days, I’m sure. Just take your time and think about it, okay?”

“Yeah, okay. I’m so sorry, Ci.”

“I know. It’s gonna be okay. It’s just gotta be.” She took his hands in hers and gently pulled him off of the counter, relaxing into his arms for a quiet hug. He ran a hand through her thick curls and kissed the top of her head.

She’d finally done it. She stuck around and confronted. She finally loved herself enough to love someone back. How did she get to the point of loving herself? Because of the man whose arms were wrapped around her, making her feel safe even amidst the storm. She was not going to let him waste it away. He’d saved her life time and again just by being a part of it. Now it was time to save his…or at least help him get it back in order. Somehow she knew it could be done. She had to believe it, so he could believe it.

She also knew that she owed him the truth about herself. Even if it meant losing him again to this drug…to a bottle…or at all. She owed him that and she was going to do it.

Hopefully today would stay with him and he’d deal with it cleanly. Like a man. Like the man she knew he could be. Like the man she knew he really was.

He pulled back from their embrace and took her face in his hands. Having so much to say and no words to help him, he simply closed his eyes and leaned in for a kiss. A soft, sweet, almost platonic kiss.

“Lemme clean these up…you get ready for work.”

“Okay…” One more soft kiss and she disappeared upstairs.

***

The sound of all of those bottles and all of the pills inside of them haunted him that night while he tried to sleep. He’d cleaned up every last one of them and even finished unloading her dishwasher before quietly leaving her house. He didn’t stay to say goodbye. After touching each and every bottle again and reading their labels, he got scared.

Frightened. Terrified. Petrified.

Could he stay away from this club drug? Sure. Did he want to? Um…probably. The high was great but coming down sucked. And he never knew for sure what he’d done at the club. He made sure he went back to his room alone, but damn…anything could happen before he left. He didn’t like not knowing. But that high? Incredible. Did it compare to the high of having her in his life though? No. Did it clear up his confusion over his career…who was running it, who was he working for? No. Ultimately, it wasn’t worth it.

But, could he deal with all that she required? He had no damned idea how sick she really was. Sure, he’d seen her sicker than a dog with insulin reactions, various surgeries, pains and maladies. But this day to day to day shit she’d kept from him. To protect him?

Probably. To protect her? Possibly. But, could he really live with that on a day in day out basis? He knew he wanted no one in his life but her. But, knowing what that entailed…could he actually live with it?

It scared him, so he ran. Ran out of the house and never said good-bye. Now, here he was, alone in his room, unable to sleep, unable to think straight, unsure of what the future was going to hold. Unsure of what he wanted it to hold. He just knew that what he believed to be a solid fact in his life was suddenly not so solid anymore.

Chapter Fifty Nine

“Nicky? You awake?” Ciara inched inside the dark hotel room, chuckling at the mess his room was already in. Hadn’t he just arrived yesterday? She got to the bedroom of the suite and knocked lightly on the door. “Nick?”

“Ci…you’re here!” He thought he’d heard someone in his room as he woke and had just sat up from his sleep. Running a hand through his long, blonde mop, he had to smile at waking to such a wonderful sight. “AJ said you’d be here today.”

“AJ’s not known for his lies. Come here.” She stood next to him by the bed, folding him into her arms, rubbing his head as he rested it on her chest. “You’re going to make me old before my time if you keep worrying me like this.”

“I’m sorry, Cici…I didn’t mean to worry you. He really didn’t need to call.”

“He loves you. What’s he got his panties in a wad about anyway?” She leaned back and brought his eyes up to hers. They looked horrible. Tired. Blood-shot. Swollen. His face was a mess of acne and his weight gain was not improving. Hadn’t gained, but she figured with being on tour he’d lose. Something definitely was not right.

Moving his gaze from hers, he simply shrugged, pulling her in for another hug. He didn’t want to talk about it. She was here and to hell with the rest.

“Oh no, big guy.” Stepping back completely now so he couldn’t hide again, she gave him a downright maternal lecture. “I’m not hoppin’ on a plane with less than a week’s notice for you to shrug me off. No way.”

So, she couldn’t keep the mommy routine up for more than a sentence. She tried. Sitting next to him on the bed, she had to sigh as he leaned over and laid his head on her shoulder. She really had missed the little boy she once knew. Didn’t expect to see him come back like this though.

“Can I just be here with you for a bit first? We’ll talk later?”

“Yeah…when do you have to leave for the show?”

“Not ‘til like 5 or so…we just go through a tunnel here.”

“And Mandy?”

He looked up to her, sadness filling his eyes. “Amanda took her out today so we could talk. I won’t see her ‘til after the show.”

“Okay. Just you and me then. Why don’t you lay back down and I’ll join you after I change, huh?”

Without another word he flopped back down onto the pillows, sighing contentedly as she tucked him in and kissed his cheek. She wasn’t sure what to expect when she’d come, but this wasn’t it. She wanted the light to come back into his eyes. Where had it gone?

Who took it? And how could she help him get it back?

***

Tipping the waiter, she pulled the cart of food into the room and set everything up on the coffee table. “Nick! Dinner’s here!”

“Oohh…whadya get me?” Nick hopped in the room, pulling on a pair of sweats as he approached the couch.

“Some chicken pasta stuff…no idea but it sounded good. Carb you up for tonight.”

“You take good care of me.”

“Mmm…so, you gonna fill me in as to why you need so much TLC lately or am I gonna just have to make up my own version?”

“No, no…I’ll talk.” He sat on the couch next to her and leaned in for a kiss. “Thanks for just holding me though. I just feel so…so…”

“Overwhelmed?”

“Yes…that’s it. Overwhelmed. You helped me be quiet. I need that right now.”

“Anytime. Come on. Eat up.”

She sat and watched him eat for a bit, which normally annoyed the hell out of him, but right now, he didn’t care. He was starving and the fact that she would be content just to lay down with him, just to sit and watch him eat…give up her life to do this was amazing.

She wanted nothing in return. Everyone wanted something, didn’t they? Nope. Not Cici.

She reached up and touched his face, rubbing his cheekbone just below his eye, inspecting it with her professional eye. “Nick…”

“Yeah…” Damn. Here we go. He tried to keep shoveling food in his mouth, hoping she’d not see. Hoping she’d not notice. Why he ever felt like he’d pull one over on her, he’d never know.

“Honey…you have a bruise on your face here. It’s old, healing up good. What happened?”

He closed his eyes and sighed not wanting to have to admit this to her. Not wanting her to know how weak he really was. How stupid he was being. How lost and confused his life had become.

“Honey…it’s just a bruise…what happened?”

He finally swallowed his mouthful and looked to her, tossing his fork on his plate.

“You’ll be disappointed in me, Ci.”

“Maybe. We can work through it. What’s up?”

“It’s Mandy…”

“Mandy? What does she…” Then, remembering the temper she’d seen on the little imp, realization dawned on her. “Did she…Nick!? Baby…”

“We had a fight. An awful fight. Nothing new. But, she wasn’t…well, she wasn’t all together. Neither was I, and, well…”

“She hit you!?”

He silently nodded, trying to focus back on his meal, which suddenly didn’t look quite so appetizing.

“Nick…” She brushed the spot with her thumb again and then she pulled his head down to her and kissed him. Right where Mandy had so mercilessly hit him. “She had no right.”

“Well, I’m not the best boyfriend to her, Ciara…”

“No one deserves to be hit, Nick.” Running her hand through his hair and rubbing his arm, she just wanted to just fold him up, stuff him in her suitcase and take him home to care for him like a sick child. “…did you hit her back?”

“No. I didn’t. I kicked her out. At least for the night.”

“Has she done this before?”

Nod.

“Does she BEAT you, or just have a helluva wallop?”

“Um…it’s not pretty, okay? Can we leave it at that?”

“Yeah, okay. And you’re all okay now? She’s still…why are you putting up with that behavior, Nick?”

“I have no damned idea, Ci. She just…I mean…I know this makes no sense at all. But, when we’re not fighting, she’s comfortable, you know? I don’t like to be alone. I hate it. I suck at it. She’s fun and she’s…” He buried his head in his hands humiliated at having Ciara know how weak he really was.

“I didn’t know that being hit was a comfortable thing. I must have missed something in life.”

“Cici…please.”

“I’m sorry, Nick. I really am. But, you should not be tolerating this shit. You have enough other crap going on without a lunatic traveling companion!”

“I know. I just don’t know what else to do at this point. We only have a few more weeks this leg. They’ve started on my house in Apollo, so I should be out of there after the holidays. It’s just for a little longer.”

“You’re staying with her so you have a home in Tampa!?”

“No…no…that’s not it.”

“So you’ll have a family?”

Silence. Nail on the head. Damn, she was good.

“Nick, they cannot be your surrogate family. That’s not fair to YOUR family, to you or to the Williford’s.”

“I don’t want to have anything to do with my family right now, Ci. I’m just a commodity to them. I’m not their son.”

“You are, Nick…you are. They love you so much. They’re just…they’ve been taken in by all the money, that’s all. I mean, your dad’s given up stuff to come drive your bus for you.” Maybe if she said it strongly enough she’d believe it too.

“To babysit me, Ci…that’s not love. And yeah, they’ve been taken in by the money. The money made by me and my brother…and soon enough my sisters. I’m sick of it.” She had nothing to say to that. They’d asked for it, they really had.

“So what are you going to do?”

“Gonna shack up with Mandy’s family once this leg is over, struggle through the holidays, get things settled with my house and move in.”

“Alone?”

There’s that damned silence again. She was too insightful for his own good sometimes.

“Probably not.” He threw his fork down again and leaned back, pulling her with him to snuggle into his chest. “I’m sorry, Ci. But, I’m asking her to move in with me.”

“She’s beating you and you’re gonna live with her? Nick, I should start beating on you.”

“Probably.”

“Why, Nick? Are you that afraid of being alone!?”

“Yes. I am.”

She sat up to look at him…wanting to drive her point home. “Why!? Nick, take it from one who knows…being alone is probably one of the best gifts you can give yourself.”

“Maybe I’m not so sure I deserve any gifts.”

“Nick…”

“I’m done talkin’ now, Ci. I don’t know what else to say. This is where I’m at right now.

I’m sick of my mom. She’s taken my dad, brother and sisters away all for fame and glory.

I mean nothing to her. I mean, if your own mother doesn’t see your worth, why should anyone else?”

“I’ve always seen your worth, Nick. And I always will.” She laid back down against his chest, rubbing his stomach, wishing her simple touch could make all his pain go away.

“That’s why I needed you here.” He took her hand and brought it up to his lips and kissed each finger. She did value him and he did need that reassurance. “I guess AJ’s not so irritating after all.”

“Oh, yeah…he’s irritating. But he also loves you. All four of those guys know your worth, Nick. And it has nothing to do with being a Backstreet Boy.”

“I know…I do know. I just…” He ran his hand through his hair for the millionth time since dinner had arrived.

“You just want to feel it from Mom.”

“Yep. I need to, Ci…but knowing it’ll always be there from you…”

“It will, Nick. Always.”

***

“How the hell did you find such incredible seats, Cici? Damn! We’re gonna get hit by sweat!”

“Well wouldn’t that be lovely? I just…lucked out with auctions and stuff, I guess.” This was Ciara’s first show “as a fan.” She and Deanna would be hitting the next three and somehow Ciara had to keep any knowledge to herself. It wasn’t going to be easy.

Any other time, she’d been able to play in the gutter, walking around the pentagon stage, annoying Nick, flirting with him, goading the other four. But now, she was about 5 rows back on the floor and had to stay put. No personal interaction unless it just “happened.” It would be interesting to be sure.

It had only been a few days since she’d left Nick and gang in Knoxville. Oh how she loved to be there again…hardly. But, she stayed in the hotel, showed up for the show that night and flew out before the busses took off the next morning. No harm done. Her family was ready to kill her for not being around at all for the Thanksgiving holiday. In light of the way Nick was feeling rejected by his own, it was a bit of a welcome feeling, actually. They wanted her around. Thing was, she wanted no part of it. To this day, they could not deal with her health. It was the proverbial “elephant in the room” and she wasn’t in the mood for elephants. She much preferred…

“HOLY SHIT, CI! They’re flying in on surf boards!?”

“Yep! Cool, huh?” Yes, that was it. She much preferred flying boy bands at the moment.

And could Nick put on the show face? No one would ever have a clue at the inner turmoil in this kid. But she saw it. And he saw her. And it was good.

As the show went on, Ciara was actually getting more enjoyment out of watching Deanna’s reaction to things over watching the boys. She’d seen the show. She knew what to expect…well, most of the time. But it was a neat experience to see it from this side.

They were good. They were amazing. They had every person in that crowd right in the palm of their hands. She was blown away.

“Oh my God, Ci…he’s lookin’ at you!!” Deanna was beating holy hell out of Ciara’s arm.

“Uh huh…he sure is.” She shook her head at Nick, smiling ‘larger than life.’ He just couldn’t leave well enough alone, could he?

“Am I original?” Smirk. Wink. God damn him.

“Yeah! Yeah!” Might as well be a full fan here and sing along.

“Am I the only one?” Oh yeah, Brian. The world could only deal with one of you, goofball.

“AM I SEXUAL!?” Dead in her eyes. There was no doubt to anyone within 15 rows of them who he was singing to.

“Yeah! Yeah!” Brat.

“CIARA! Oh my GOD! Look at that!”

“He’s just a big ole flirt…probably couldn’t really see me anyway.”

“You think? Girl, he’s got it for you.”

“Uh…no. He’s got it for Mandy. I think she’d kill anyone else.”

“This is true…hell…still was cool.”

“No doubt…” Now hush up and leave this topic alone, dear Dee. Pretty please.

By night three, Nick had picked her out at least once and Dee was convinced he had a thing for Ciara. He was not going to make her life easy, was he? All in good fun. The best part of these shows was that she could see he was doing better. More confident, more together. Nothing the average fan could tell, but somehow he was picking himself up and getting it together. The tour ended after make up shows in Ft. Lauderdale and it’d be time to go home, wherever the hell that was.

***

“Merry Christmas!”

“Oh for God’s sake, get in here before a neighbor sees you!” Ciara yanked on Nick’s sleeve laughing hysterically. The big blonde oaf was standing on her porch clad in green from head to toe with a bright red bow around his neck, one stuck on his head and a one more around his waist dangling the bow at his crotch. Oh yes, and a shit eating grin to add sparkle. “I can only imagine you tying these damned things on out in the car.”

“Oh, I didn’t. Had it on since I left the house.”

“You left Mandy’s looking like this!? AND you drove through town? Oh dear God.”

“Ayup! No one was home…take a pill.” He pulled her into his arms, crushing the crotch bow. “So, uh…you gonna unwrap me and see what your present is?”

“You’re the last of the big time spenders, you know that?”

“Now, hang on…I got you something.” He stuck his head back outside and picked up a package he’d set on the porch. “And uh…don’t get excited.”

“Oohh…thank you. Do I open it now?”

“Sure.”

She quickly ripped the paper off, sticking the bow on her head, “so we’ll match,” and started cackling. “New mouse slippers! Thank you!”

“They’re not quite like yours, but close enough.”

Pulling them out of the box, she kicked off her ripped, torn ones and slid on the new ones. “Perfect. Thank you.” Hiking up on her tip toes, she kissed him and pulled the bow off the top of his head. “Now, about this other present…You are kinda like the biggest package under the tree. Always my favorite.”

“Mmm…big package. Yeah…”

“Humility, Nick. A little dab’ll do ya’.”

She pulled on the crotch bow, untying it and ran upstairs to her room, red ribbon trailing behind her, squealing as she felt him pull back on it just before she fell onto her bed.

“I’ve got another one to untie…then I have an idea.”

“Oh yeah?” She slowly undid the bow around his neck, giggling at the pathetic way he’d tied it and kissed his neck as his flesh unearthed from the satin ribbon. “Whatcha got in mind, Santa Clause?”

“Well, I hear…” he lifted her shirt over her head and swiftly unhooked her bra moaning as her breasts peeked out from the lace. “That you have been…” He gently pushed her back on the bed, taking his shirt off as she got adjusted on the pillows. “…a very, bad, bad girl.”

“I have, huh?” She had to smile, not only at his ornery, light-hearted attitude, but that he was obviously losing some weight. The extra had never bothered her as far as her attraction to him went. But, it did for his emotional health. Being off tour was doing him some good this time. In light of what she had found in Lexington, she couldn’t be happier.

“Oh yeah…very bad.” One by one, he pulled the pillows out from under her head and back, offering soft kisses with the disappearance of each one. A kiss to her right breast.

One to her left. Another at her collar bone. One under her left ear. Right ear. And after the final pillow hit the floor, he straddled her and slid his hands under her back, bringing her up to his mouth, tasting her lips, teasing her with his tongue and teeth. Soft nips, kisses and licks as far as he could reach in this position, finally lowering her, leaving her breathless. “So, what I understand is done to bad little girls…especially this time of year…”

“Uh-huh?” Her eyes bugged out of her head as he leaned over the edge of the bed to retrieve the two long ribbons that had been wrapped around his neck and waist. Oh, he wouldn’t.

“…is that they’re tied up for awhile.” He took hold of one of her wrists and pulled it up to the bedpost, tying it securely, but gently. “You know…to teach them who’s boss and all.”

“Jesus, Nick…” She had been having enough trouble breathing just from the treatment his mouth had given her upper half. Now? Why’d she even bother trying?

“Is this okay…seriously.”

“Yeah…this…yeah…” Stop talking and get busy, Santa!

“Good…” he brought her other wrist up to the opposite side and made do with finding a spindle along the headboard, not wanting to stretch her arms so far that she’d be uncomfortable. Once tied, he sat back on his feet, still straddling her legs and just smiled.

“Hmm…now, what was the second part of the punishment? I’m afraid I forgot.”

“I have no idea, but it better involve your mouth. Now.”

“Oh…are we getting demanding?”

“Nickolas Gene Carter…”

Okay, teasing done. She was a riot, squirming, trying to be pissed off and failing miserably. He leaned down to her outstretched arms and kissed and licked the soft underside of her upper arms, amazed at how sensitive she was to his touch there. A new zone. Very nice. Working his way to her shoulders and down her chest, he spent time on each breast, kneading, kissing, sucking and enjoying. Moving to her stomach, he dipped his tongue in her naval and chuckled as she squirmed so much that she pulled too hard on one of her restraints causing her to swear in frustration.

Finally, he looked up to her one more time before sliding her pants off, kissing his way back up her legs, and laying them over his shoulders. Licking his lips in anticipation, he lowered his mouth to her inner thigh and finally….

“Oh fuck! Nick!”

“Mmmm?” He slowly lapped up the full of her lips, spreading them apart just enough as he worked toward his specific target. Once found, he smiled against her, listening to the intoxicating, almost guttural sounds of her delight at what he was doing to her. He worked slowly, methodically trying to cue in to her responses as to what she liked, what she loved and what would ultimately send her over the edge screaming his name, exhausting her, pleasuring her like she’d never been pleasured before.

And when that moment came, he slowly lapped at her again, tasting her, letting her come down from the climax, waiting for her breathing to return to a somewhat normal state.

“Please, Nick…untie me. I want to feel you.” She was squirming even more against her restraints frustrated at her inability to run her hands through his hair and hopefully…over a few more things.

He climbed back up, straddling her again gasping as his erection brushed her stomach when he untied one of her wrists. As soon as her hand broke free, her hand was all over him, touching, kneading, caressing every bit of bare skin she could find. He quickly untied the other wrist and moved back down to her, kissing her passionately, enjoying every touch of her hands to his skin. Feeling her fiddling with the waist band of his pants he sat up and played coy.

“What do you want?”

“Take ‘em off.”

He couldn’t lose them fast enough. Pulling out a condom from his back pocket, he kicked them off, and crawled over her from the foot of the bed, blowing his bangs out of his face as they seductively covered his blue eyes.

“I want you inside me, Nick.”

Request granted. He quickly sheathed himself, smiling as she squirmed watching him touch himself, making her want him even more. Making him want her even more. As he slid his body into hers, they could only say what made sense at the moment. Because when you stripped away all of the baggage that surrounded their lives and their relationship, it all came down to one thing. One thing they couldn’t seem to accomplish with another human being no matter how hard they tried. They gave themselves fully.

All of him. All of her. For each other. Even though they denied it, it was true. The ultimate gift.

“Merry Christmas.”

***

“So, what are you doing for Christmas?” Nick propped himself up on an elbow playing with her ringlet curls. Normally they didn’t do this until she got very over heated. She’d definitely been over heated.

“Believe it or not, I’m singing at Mass tonight, go to work and I’ll head over to Mom’s after work.” She leaned in and kissed his chest, scrunching her nose at the soft curly hairs that were finally sprouting there.

“That’s cool you work the holiday for everybody.”

“Eh, most of the people have family. They should be with them.” Oops. Ouch. Dammit. His face failed to hide the pain of that statement.

“I’m sorry, Nick…I didn’t mean…”

“I know. And you’re right. I just can’t…”

“It’s okay. So what are your plans?” Nice move, Ciara.

“I guess whatever they do, I’m in. I was hopin’ maybe you’d be free tomorrow or something and I could get out of some of it.”

“Sorry. Nope. She’s your family now, Nick.”

“No, she’s not.”

“For the holiday, yes she is. This is what you’ve chosen. You need to be with her.” Rolling over to check the clock, she groaned at it’s numbers. “In fact, you need to be heading back now. I have to get ready for church.”

She felt the breath escape him knowing how frustrated he was at his decision to stay home from LA. Not the smartest of choices. And outside of paying a small fortune for a last minute flight out there, he had no way to change it either. He’d blown it. Big time.

He waited until she was ready for work to leave, watching her go through her routine, making small talk and just being completely at peace in her company. Hers in his. As she held the door for him, he leaned down and took her face in his hands and kissed her softly.

“Merry Christmas, Ciara.”

“Merry Christmas, Nick.”

Closing the door behind him, she slid to the floor, stunned at the tears that spilled from her eyes. She wanted him. Wanted all of him in her life and there was absolutely no way that could happen. He was in her heart, but the rest? No, it just was not right. He was a mess. She was a mess. She had even been seeing Dennis from work now and again and it was decent enough. But Nick…this is where she was happiest and it was just out of reach.

On this day especially, it ached from the inside out.

Chapter Sixty

Ciara wiped away her tears and stood up from the floor, angry that everything had come to this. He left. He picked up the meds and walked out the door. Not a ‘goodbye’, not an

‘I can’t deal with this’, not a ‘you have no right to demand this from me,’ nothing. He’d reacted like every other man in her past had when faced with the truth. They couldn’t handle it. He fled. After all these years, he fled.

And now, she was supposed to get her act together and go to work. She didn’t know if she’d hear from him and at this moment, didn’t know if she’d make the effort either.

Maybe he left knowing she had to work. Maybe he just needed to think things through.

The truth of it was, it didn’t look good either way. He had never walked out on her before. Never. Swore he never would. And here she stood in her foyer with the memory of his tail lights disappearing around the corner as she watched him go.

Work had been a total bitch. Sicker than hell kids, snottier than hell parents, and doctors who decided the nursing staff had taken a stupid pill and didn’t know their jobs any longer. The only blessing of it all was that for twelve hours, she didn’t think about Nick. But, it was time to head home. To a silent house and an empty bed. Originally he was going to be there waiting for her, but she knew full well he wouldn’t be.

Just as she ducked into her car, she heard a familiar beep from behind her in the parking garage. “Hey, Dee…”

“Breakfast? Come on…Nicky can live without you one more morning.” Well that’s obvious, isn’t it? “Yeah…sure…” She reached in to grab her bag and locked her doors again. Climbing into Deanna’s truck, she smiled through sad eyes and heaved a sigh. “Thanks.”

“Woah…what’s up?”

“He bolted.”

“You told him?”

“Nope. Never got that far.”

Deanna wound her way through the parking garage and sped down the ramp to their favorite after-work restaurant. She didn’t ask yet. Ciara seemed too despondent to even know where to start.

Not until they had ordered, did Deanna dare to pry further. Somehow she almost didn’t want to know. This was Nick Carter now. Someone she’d idolized for a few years. The boy next door. A pop icon. Perfect. Untouchable. Sitting on a pedestal. Now? Now he was responsible for breaking her best friend’s heart. She wasn’t sure how well she’d deal with this, or worse yet, how well she’d help her best friend deal with it.

“Okay, so…why’d he bolt?”

“I’m not totally sure, but I can guess.”

“What happened!?”

“Okay, you…I mean…” She sighed, hating that everything she said could easily end up internet fodder and blow these boys out of the water PR-wise. “You have to understand…you may not speak of this to anyone, do you understand me?”

“Who the hell do I know that would care anyway?”

“All the more reason to shut the hell up, Dee. This could be career ending, what I’m about to tell you, okay?”

“Oh. Yeah…alright.”

“Okay, back during Millennium tour, I’d get calls now and then from Nick or AJ telling me to get out there and help Nick. He needed me. Things were bad. I’d go when I could.

I was his friend and I knew that our being together somehow balanced him.”

“Wow…okay.”

“But, once I’d get there, no one would really go into exactly what Nick’s problems were.

And frankly, I never questioned too much. I never saw anything worthy of concern other than a guy who was being totally and completely manipulated by his mother and his girlfriend…and his business. I just assumed…probably because I didn’t want to see the truth…that it was just pressure from his life.”

“And it wasn’t…”

“No. And I got confirmation of that during his last trip to New York.”

“Drugs.”

“Yep. Now. Looking back on everything and the timing, he got cleaned up before the final leg of Millennium. It was obvious. And frankly, that cleaning up is what told me then he was into some drug usage. But, I didn’t have any right to demand shit from him.

We were friends. We were lovers. But we weren’t…we didn’t owe each other anything.”

“Right…but now you do.”

“Exactly. And I don’t think he’s into the coke anymore like I suspected before. I really think this is just recreational, but I won’t have it.”

“Nor should you. What’s he using?”

“Ex.”

“Shit.”

“Yep…” Ciara looked up to the waitress and thanked her for her food, aching inside when she realized it was the same waitress who almost had spilled Nick’s eggs all over him that first morning after their reunion. Please don’t recognize me. “Thanks.” Sliding by that potentially awkward situation, she was able to continue. “So…I confronted him. I made him go through my medicine cabinet in the kitchen. Item by item.”

“Oooh…good ploy. But,” Deanne plopped a dollop of ketchup on her eggs, laughing at Ciara’s grimace in her culinary tastes. “…hush up…it’s good.”

“Ick.”

“ANYway…didn’t he know about all of your meds? I mean, he practically lives with you.”

“Nah, not really. I just take ‘em without…I mean, I don’t display it, you know? When we travel it’s just part of my ‘getting ready’ routine and I doubt he ever sees them. Same with being home. I just pop ‘em in my mouth as I’m busying myself around the kitchen.

He’s a guy. Doesn’t notice details.”

“True…okay, so he’s looking at all your meds, and….” Realization dawned on her. “Oh shit. And he bolted.”

“Yep. Seemed fine at the time…totally accepting of what I was asking about the drugs.

I’m probably naïve, but I think that’ll be fine.”

“But he got a real glimpse into what you’re really about.”

“Sure did. I left him alone to clean it all up and got ready for work. Come downstairs, call for him, get no reply and I hear his truck in the driveway. Peek outside and all I see are his taillights turning the corner.”

“Oh, Ciara…I never…he loves you!”

“He loves his image of me. I think he likes that I’m needy. He can take care of me. Nice ego boost, you know? But THAT needy? Hell no. Scares the strongest of souls.”

“Do you know this is why he left?”

“Why the hell else would he? If not that, then he decided the Ex is better than me. Fine.

If that’s it…good riddance.”

“So now what?”

“So now I’m overeating bacon. I don’t want to go home because I know he won’t be there.”

“Ciara…I’m so sorry.”

“Gets me out of telling him everything else.”

“No, it doesn’t. This isn’t the end, Cici…come on now.”

“You don’t know that.”

“And neither do you. Just give him some time….give him time. Does he head to New York again any time soon?”

“Not that I know of. I think he’s home for a bit. Something is up with work too and he won’t talk. Not that I need to know. I don’t give a shit if he’s a Backstreet Boy, a solo artist or a garbage man. I just…” Tears welled up in Ciara’s eyes, something she hardly ever did in front of anyone else and definitely never did in public. “I just can’t live…I just…”

“You’ll get him back, Cici. You may have to go get him though.”

“I’m NOT chasing him.”

“I didn’t say that. But…” Putting her fork down and holding onto her friend’s hand, Deanna allowed a tear to escape her own eye…these two were perfect for each other.

This had to work out. “…just give him time, Cici. Don’t give up. He’s not like other men.

He just can’t be.”

***

“You ready, man?”

“Yeah, I’m comin’. Hang on.” Nick jogged downstairs to greet his buddies for a night in Ybor. He needed to get out. Needed to forget, because thinking just was not a pleasant thing right now. Too many questions in his life. Too many things he felt so sure about suddenly weren’t so sure. The last time he felt this lost and desperate, he had clung to Ciara and found strength to pick himself up and get better. And he wasn’t that far gone this time. Just screwing around with stuff. But, he also felt like he couldn’t cling to her anymore. He’d leaned so heavily on her all these years never knowing what she was trying to maintain herself. Nope. This time he’d figure it out alone. Or, at least with his buddies.

As they all emptied out of the truck, Nick grew uncharacteristically quiet. But, this was another blessing of being with “the guys”…no one noticed or frankly cared. Once he got a few beers in him, he’d loosen up, he was sure. Just stress. Tension. Worry.

They made their way up to the VIP section, partitioned off in anticipation of his arrival.

It was already buzzing with beautiful girls and flowing alcohol. And anything else a pop star would want for a party.

“Hey, you finally made it.” A skinny, silicon blonde slinked up to Nick, sliding an arm around his waist. “You’re late.”

“I am, huh?” Who was this chic? Was he supposed to know her?

“I, uh…have your stuff over here. Come on.”

He mindlessly let her lead him to a dark corner of the room, sliding around to the back of the booth at her invitation. He looked down at the small tray she placed in front of him and caught his breath. “They told me this is what you like.” Taunting him from its paper serving cup was one small pill. Just a little one. One. Only one. He looked up to the girl and offered a shy smile, picking the tablet up out of the cup.

Holding it between his thumb and forefinger, he turned it over to check it’s appearance.

Just as he was about to pop it into his mouth, he stopped, tossing the pill on the table.

“No. No, thank you. Not tonight.” Pushing the tray away, he stood up and slid back around the booth and away from the girl, rushing to find the men’s room.

“What the…Nick!” Not wanting to draw attention to him, she let him go, albeit reluctantly. She had been hoping that by being his supplier she might get a score with him as well. No such luck. Although, word on the street was he wasn’t hooking up anymore. Just partying and heading home. Still…she had a chance.

Pushing his way through the crowd, Nick finally reached the bathroom and slammed into a stall. Sitting on the closed seat, he buried his head in his hands trying to get the sound of Ciara’s pill bottles crashing to the floor, the look in her eyes, the shrill in her voice to leave him. But it wouldn’t. The harder he pushed it out, the stronger it came back in. She was right. He had no excuse to use something like this to escape whatever ailed him at the moment. None whatsoever. It was time to be a man. Time to grow the hell up, take a look at life and deal with it.

But tonight, he really didn’t want to deal. He wanted to forget. Was it so bad to just want to forget? Ciara got drunk to forget. Ciara even used him for sex now and then to forget, just as he’d used her that way over the years. Why couldn’t he just forget? Maybe sometimes it was okay. But tonight? No. He had to get out of there. Had to go home.

Even if it meant to be alone and he’d have to think. Ciara meant too much to him. He had to figure this out.

Making sure his buddies had a way home, he got his truck and left. Never putting a beer to his lips, and definitely never putting any other mind-altering drug in his system. And he felt good about it. His out-patient treatment years ago had lasted him this long and there was no reason some of the things he’d learned then couldn’t help him now. He could do this.

The fear with Ciara’s health really needed to be dealt with though. He had promised he’d never just up and leave her. And he’d done just that. She had to be furious with him.

Would she take him in again? Would she give him a chance to explain? Did he even have anything TO explain? He just got scared. Was that such an unforgivable thing?

Then there was her behavior as of late. She’d been shutting him out like mad. Hell, that’s what partially led to his intense partying in New York. She’d done it before and he’d reacted much the same way. He threw himself into partying and women and…no. He couldn’t do that again. He had to break in. Had to find out what she was so afraid of with him. His life worked with her in it. Period. Somehow, some way they’d have to work it out.

***

Deanna had been right. This had to work out. Yes, he probably got scared. And yes, he fled. But, he was young. He had so much else to consider in his life. And really, Ciara knew all along that this couldn’t be a forever thing. But, she had to try to fix the friendship anyway. There was no way she could survive without that much. And if that could be fixed…maybe, just maybe he’d forgive her for all she’s kept from him all these years and they could have some more time together as a couple.

She had to try and she had to be the first to make a move. She’d probably scared him to death. All of those medicine bottles in his arms, falling all over the floor, hearing her manic screeching…god. What a mess. But it was because she loved him. Now it was time to go prove it. To show it. To let him know that she was there for him and ready…somehow, in time, to open up. Maybe.

So, in her car she got and to his house she drove. She was petrified. She really wasn’t ready to spill yet. Too much was laying in the balance as it was and this would totally knock the teeter-totter off its center. As she pulled into his driveway, her nerves kicked in full gear, but she got out of the car anyway. Time to go do what she’d never done before. Work for a relationship.

Chapter Sixty One

As Ciara stepped up on the porch, she couldn’t believe the sweat seeping out of her hands. Why was she so nervous to be here? Probably knowing he now shared a home with Mandy. Yep, yep. Had to be it. But, he’d invited her to come see. His house. His accomplishment. His pride. Lifting a shaky hand to the large, white wooden door, she finally knocked.

The door slowly opened and a tuft of blonde hair with shimmering blue eyes peeked around it. “Welcome to my home.” The worst Dracula imitation she’d ever heard.

“You’re a geek.” She stepped inside and bopped him on the butt. “Hey…I have a bone to pick with you, my dear.”

“Oh no…what…”

“Wait just a fuckin’ minute…Nick! Look at me!”

He turned back from closing the door and smiled, arms open wide. “Yes?”

“Your hair!!!!!!! Nick! It’s all gone!” Damn it all to hell and he looked….holy shit. He was incredible.

“You like?” He fluffed the short do out, still not sure himself if he liked it or not. But he needed to do it. A new leaf. He’d cleaned up. Strengthened up. Talked it out and straightened out. So, a new house, a new do, a new outlook on life. 2000 was going to be a VERY good year. He could feel it.

“Yeah…I…” she reached up and ran her fingers through it. Still silky. Still soft and cool.

Still Nick. But look at the beautiful man…yes…MAN that came out from under the long locks he’d been sporting. My goodness. Was Mandy home? “You look beautiful.” That made him downright blush. Beautiful? Yeah, cute…he’d been called cute. “The cute one”. Barf. But to have the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen call HIM beautiful?

Man… Shaking out of the strange place she’d just taken him, he pulled her in to see the full of the house. “You said you had a bone to pick with me?” Looking down at the rolled up magazine in her hand, he had a hunch. Uh-oh. “What’s this?”

“Rolling Stone, Mr. My-Jacket-Is-So-Long-You-Can’t-See-My-Stunning-Thighs.” She unrolled the magazine and smacked his de-pants-ed image staring back at her. “What’s up with that, huh?”

“Oh, yeah…that. God, I still can’t believe we did it.”

“I can’t either, but you need to flash those thighs, baby….they’re…” She dropped the magazine on the pool table and slinked up next to him. “…mmm…yeah…” Rubbing her hand up and down his leg, keeping them just shy of his inner thigh, “…you need to show

‘em off more.”

“Maybe I was just savin’ ‘em up for you.”

“Ah, yeah, must be it.” With a quick grab to his crotch she turned and walked away, leaving him totally turned on and as usual when she got flirty…frustrated. “So, do I get a tour of this place, or not, huh?”

“You are evil.”

“Yes, I am…come on…show me around.”

***

“Heya, Puppy!” Ciara sat back on the chaise, letting the pug jump up in her lap. “Have I mentioned how thrilled I am you have smaller dogs?”

“Yeah, you kinda bring it up every time I see you. Here’s your drink.”

“Thanks.” Rubbing noses with the dog, she had to giggle. Ugliest damned things, but they were so loveable. “What’s this one’s name again? They all look the same to me.”

“That’s Willy. Mandy’s dog.”

“Ah…get down. Shoo.” Kicking back completely in her lounge chair, she heaved a sigh.

“This is beautiful, Nick. You done good.”

“Thanks. I like it. Can’t wait ‘til it warms up a bit more and we can swim.”

“You might be able to before the tour starts back up, huh?”

“Maybe…depends on the weather. It’s heated, so I guess I could now. I just can’t believe this is all mine, Ci.”

“All yours, baby…it’s great. Although…your decorating. Nick…”

“Mom.”

“Mom? You talking again?”

“Yeah. Part of ‘getting better’. She’s not my best friend or anything, but…yeah, we’re working it out.”

“This can only be a good thing. She okay with Mandy now?”

“No. But she’s really not in control of that part of my life. None of her business.”

“No, I suppose it’s not. So, how is Mandy? Where is she today anyway?” Little wench.

Even if she and Nick weren’t sleeping together, Ciara knew she’d have a strong distaste for the girl. Knowing she’d hit Nick…and led him down whatever horrendous path she had led him. Nope. The girl was no good. Maybe with Nick’s new outlook he’d think being alone was a good change to make as well.

“Laying down some more tracks for her demo.”

“And you’re not there with her?”

“Nope. She won’t let me. Wants to do this on her own…sorta.”

“You think she’ll make it, Nick? Tough as hell market.” Nick ran a hand through his hair and looked out to the bay, choosing his words carefully.

“She has talent. If she does make it, she deserves it. Nice voice, decent writing skills…needs some work, but yeah. She just has to…she needs to…”

“Get away from you to do it.”

“Yep. And she’s not willing to completely break from that. She’s associated with me too much and this tour is just going to make it worse.”

“How’s that?”

He finally looked back to her, not sure of the reaction he’d see. “She’s opening for us, Ci.”

He had to be kidding. “Who’s idea was that!?” Talk about a career killer. Hers and his.

“Um…her management, we agreed. We’re already regretting it.”

“The fans are going to have a shit fit, Nick. They hate her!”

“They hate her because she’s with me. They’d hate you too if they knew.”

“They’d accept me because I’m a secret against her.”

“Possibly. They don’t ever approve of anyone we’re with, Ci.”

“It’s not all about being with you and you know it. They suspect she beat you…they don’t think you’re happy.”

“They don’t know me.”

“They know you better than you think, Nick. Can she even handle what’s out there?”

“She’s strong.”

“She’s young. Younger than you, Nick and definitely less seasoned.”

“She’ll manage. We’ll be okay.”

They stopped talking for awhile, both stewing on their conversation. They both knew it was a mistake and they both knew there was nothing that could be done about it now.

Nick had set himself up in a trap yet again. When was he going to get some direction from someone not interested in the bottom line…someone who could steer him on the right path? Obviously it wasn’t going to be any time soon. Whoever came up with this brilliant plan needed to have their head examined.

Taking a swallow of her drink, she looked over to him and had to smile. Can’t stay exasperated with him for long. His hair was blowing in the bay breeze and he simply looked stunning. So grown up. Now completely a man. Ready to turn 20 and at least from his demeanor, ready to conquer the world. As he should be. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Yep.”

“Do you love her?”

Back to the view of the bay. He couldn’t look at Ciara and even think about his heart and Mandy. Too damned complicated. What the hell was love anyway? Actually…that would be an accurate answer. “I don’t know what love is, Cici. Do you?”

“Not so sure, no.”

“Does it bother you that I’m still with her? I mean…it’s never been something we’ve really talked about, you know?”

“I don’t like her and I definitely don’t trust her, if that’s what you mean.”

“Well, I figured that. If it makes any difference, we’re getting along better. Fights don’t end up physical.”

“Glad to hear it. I still don’t like her.”

“What about…I mean, I’m with you and I’m not. I’m with her…and I’m definitely not.

Yet, you seem okay with that.”

“Look, I’m seeing someone myself, Nick. I can’t be that for you…hell, for anyone. What we have…I don’t want to lose it. You’re a helluva lot of fun, and our history is something I treasure. But truthfully, if the rest of our relationship stopped today…the sex? I’d live. I just can’t be without YOU. Does that make sense?”

“Perfect sense.” Or so he thought. For some reason, today he was so unsettled about them. His feelings for her were getting to the point of ‘unexplainable.’ He didn’t want to be left hung out to dry though. “Yeah…so, uh…who’s the guy?”

“Someone you’d not approve of.”

“No? Why not?” He got up and pushed her feet to the side so he could join her on the lounge. He had to be near her. Had to touch her.

“Cuz you wouldn’t…”

“Cici…come on…out with it. Is it serious?” Yuck. Jealousy sucked.

“No. Yes. No. It can’t be. I’m um…playing it safe.”

Okay, now he was completely curious. “You’ve never played anything safe in your life, Ciara.”

“Well, I always do with my heart, Nick. Always. That’s probably why I’m still alone.” Damn, he hated this. Why couldn’t he just be a few years older? A few more years into his career so he could make some decisions for himself and consider…why was this so screwed up? He could make her happy, and he knew it. He wasn’t afraid of anything when she was around. “Okay…what’s his name then?”

“Dennis. Nurse in the ER. Um…yeah.”

“Does he treat you right?”

“You have no room to talk, Nick.”

“I told you that’s over. I mean, we fight like dogs, but…no hitting. Done. Does he treat you right, Ci?”

“Yes…”

“But?”

Ciara leaned forward, resting her head on his shoulder and rubbed his stomach. This was too awkward. How did she get herself into this mess? “But…Nick, he’s married, okay? Married and almost 40 and…there. Now you know.” Grabbing her hand and pushing her off of him, he bore his eyes into her. How could she do this kind of thing again? “Married!!!!!!!??????? CIARA! What the hell are you doing!?

Again!”

“Having fun. He treats me right like you say. I don’t have to commit to him because he can’t commit to me and…he helps me around the house…and it works.”

“Nice. So is that why it works for us, Ci?” He stood up and started pacing the deck.

Maybe he got it now. “I feel a need for you? He’s your little work man? And I’m…I’m your little toy?”

“Stop it. That’s not how it is, and you know it.”

“Mmmm…”

“Nick.” She stood and caught up to his pacing, turning him to her and taking his face in her hands. “I can’t make sense of this. To you or to myself. But until you can explain Mandy to me, I’m not even going to try to explain Dennis to you.” Well that one hurt. Foul play. He looked down, taking her hands in his, knowing that one was just as whacked out as hers. “Okay, fine. What about you and me, then? Can you explain that?”

“Didn’t we just cover this, honey? You’re my Nick. You’ve always been and whether I’m in your bed or not you always will be. And somehow, no matter how exasperated you get with me, I think…”

“I feel the same. Yeah…I do.”

“I’m attracted to you.” Hell yes, she was…he was beautiful. “Amazingly so, and that still weirds me out if I think about it. So I don’t. I just enjoy it. I think you and I have something really odd and really wonderful. But more than anything, your friendship…your presence in my life is what matters to me.” He nodded and took her face in his hands now, leaning in for a kiss. “I’m sorry. I just…I wish it could be more is all.”

“So do I, hon…but right now…”

“It can’t. Is it okay if I’m jealous of this dude?”

“Yep. I don’t hate Mandy just because she’s a little imp, you know.” Nick did the mature thing and stuck his tongue out at her, pulling her in for a hug. Yep, no matter how they sliced it, they needed each other. Maybe if he played his cards right, it’d work out some day. And if not, then he’d sure have a great time along the way.

***

“Niiiiiiiiiiccccccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!! Wake uppppppp!”

“Who the hell?” Nick sat up from his previously delightful slumber and held the phone closer to his ear. “Who is this!?”

“I’m insulted. It’s Ciara you sleepy head. I can’t believe you’re still in bed.”

“Ciara…” looking at the clock he groaned and got out of bed lest he wake Mandy. “…it’s 9:30 in the morning. I’m always in bed now. Why the hell aren’t you!?”

“Shit night at work and I can’t sleep. Do you know what was announced this morning?”

“Uh, if you give me two cups of coffee and a shower I might remember, why?” God, she was perky after 12 hours of work.

“I’d love to give you a shower.”

“Mmmm…that would definitely wake me up, but I think we’d have a pissed off housemate.”

“Probably…come on. Nick. Think. Think hard. Announcement. January…”

“I dun wanna think, Cici…please just tell me.” He’d stumbled into the kitchen and was trying to think hard enough just to put a pot of coffee on and undo the pre-programmed timer. Too much brain power required.

“Ugh, you’re no fun. Grammy’s Nick. The Grammy nominations were this morning.”

“Oh, Jesus…yeah…that’s right. Um…do I ask?”

“Nick, sit down.”

He obediently did, scratching his belly and grateful a chair happened to be below his bent hips. He’d have probably just plopped on the floor. “Sitting.”

“Five.”

“Five. Five what?”

“Five nominations, Nick….you guys got FIVE noms, baby!”

“WHAT!? No fucking way!” No fucking way! Five? The industry hated them! Called them manufactured, bubble-gum, drivel…no way! “Which ones?”

“I don’t even remember. Um, song, record, album, pop vocals, pop song I think…I can’t even remember.”

“Holy shit…record?”

“I think, Nick…you’ll have to…hasn’t anyone called you yet?” Just as the question popped out of her mouth, his cell phone rang. “Uh…yeah…I think they just did. Hang on.”

Sure enough it was Kevin. Hung up from that and it was Brian. Five Grammy nominations. No way had they anticipated this. No way in the world. “Okay, Cici, I’m back. Sorry.”

“No problem. You good?”

“I’m great…first the comic book thing is working out, now this! Ciara….”

“Yes, honey…dreams really do come true.” For some anyway. Good for him. He deserved every dream he had.

“Yeah, they do, huh?”

“You go back to bed…I just wanted to say congratulations.”

“I can’t sleep now, but thanks. I’m glad you’re the one who told me.”

“Me too…I’m proud of you, Nick. You’ve come a long way.”

“Thanks to you…yeah. We’ll talk soon.”

***

“So, I’ll see you right before you leave for LA, huh?”

“Yeah, you bringing Deanna to that show?”

“Yep. And uh…” Ciara twirled her finger around the light hair on his chest, looking up to him. “…I still need tickets.”

“Of course. Not too close, right?”

“Right.”

“Deal. I’ll just have ‘em at will call for you.” He pulled her naked body in for a hug, knowing this was their last time together until this tour ended. About six weeks. Too damned long. Oh, he’d see her, but…this? Nope. None of this until he got back home he was sure. Sucked.

“You nervous about this leg? Knowing that…well, whatever was keeping you going before isn’t anymore?”

How did she know? Why wouldn’t she just come out and say it? Maybe she didn’t?

Whatever riddles she was speaking in, Nick decided to leave it a riddle. Unless she asked, he wasn’t going to tell. He couldn’t handle the disappointment she’d have toward him.

Hell, she might walk. Couldn’t deal with that. Nope. So, he’d answer vaguely as well.

“Yeah, a little. Honestly I’m more nervous about the fan’s reaction to Mandy. It’s weird.

Changed her hair, name…like they’re not going to know any different.”

“Some will be fooled, but not many Nick. It’s not going to be easy.”

“Yeah, I know…she’ll make it.”

“If this is what she wants for her life, she has no choice.” No more words. Just the touch of skin on skin, still swimming in the fulfillment of another incredible tryst together. The way their bodies worked together amazed them both. No man read her as well as he did, and she felt like she could please no man like she did him. It had to be their history, their inner connection. The one that neither would really allow to blossom. What would happen if they did? It scared them. It tantalized them. It kept them going when they were apart.

And now it was time for that to begin again. They reluctantly pulled from each other’s arms and got dressed, saying little, feeling much. Walking him to the door, she fell into his arms once again for yet another good-bye. She’d never get used to these. But it was part of the territory. And if it meant having him around at all, she’d willingly do it again and again.

Chapter Sixty Two

Pulling away from their hug and leaning against the door, Ciara ran her finger up Nick’s chest as he talked. She loved touching him. Could never seem to stop.

“I’m glad you came over, Ci. I’d hate to have left the way things were.” She quickly dropped her hand to her side, not hiding the hurt at her next thought.

“Would you have left without talking to me?”

Running a hand through his hair, he had to look away. Yeah, he was planning on it. “Um, I don’t know, Ci. I was…I’m still just scared. I’ve never been afraid with you before…you were always my balance, and now…”

“I can’t be that for you, Nick. You need to find that balance within yourself.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m just not so sure I can.”

“You can. And I’m here for you, but I can’t…no one can be your security.”

“I know…It’s not fair to you.”

“Or to you, Nick. And, I’m good at trying to be the hero. You call, I come running…you just can’t depend on me to always be strong. And when I’m not, you can’t depend on something else to make up the difference.”

“Yeah, I know that.” And he did. Besides the “something else” didn’t make him strong; it only made him forget. Taking her hand in his, he wanted to call the guys and cancel out on their “emergency” meeting. Take the time to work this all out, but he couldn’t. So, he’d try to pull out of this moment all that he could. “How come you always seem so strong, though?”

“These walls I put up walls, aren’t there because I’m strong. They’re there because I’m scared and weak too.”

“I totally understand that.” Too well. Walls were a part of his life. Kept him separate from the insanity of his life. And when the walls didn’t work, he’d use something else.

But no more. Now, walls and…just inner strength would have to do. Somehow.

“I know you do…just please don’t run away from me again. Talk to me.” He folded her up in his arms, never wanting to let her go, but having to, especially when he heard the car pulling up to the house. “Dammit…I gotta go, baby.”

“Yep. I hope everything goes okay.” She pulled away and went directly to primping mode, picking dog hairs off his shirt, pushing a stray bang from his forehead, unfolding a disobedient sleeve hem. They needed more time to talk. But it wasn’t to be right now.

“We’ll work it out. It’s just been a misunderstanding with timing of the solo stuff.

Hopefully all five of us will listen.”

“You will…you have too much you want to accomplish as a group to pack up your bags and go home over a misunderstanding. Just keep your cool, and…”

“…and keep a level head.”

“Yes…definitely. I’ll close up the house, okay?”

“Thanks.” He pulled her in for a kiss, a long, soft, deep kiss. The kind that rarely ends in a kiss, but this time, it’d have to. “I’ll call when I get in.” And he was gone. Again. But, at least he was gone with a bridge mended. Another bump in the road hurdled. Now, the question remained, could they continue mending and hurdling, or at some point, would this whole thing simply fall apart?

***

“Good evening, Mrs. Hayes.”

A young, haggard looking woman looked up from her reading and offered a soft smile.

“Hi, Ciara. Glad you’re on tonight.”

“Oh yeah? Did she have a bad day?”

“Yeah, stopped breathing completely. Pulled a code…” She tossed her magazine on the bedside table and stood, stretching out her body from the constant sitting. “I’m just so tired of it all.”

“Yep, it gets exhausting.” If she was tired, how tired was Molly? Ciara looked down at the peacefully sleeping teen-aged girl, brushed her brow and finally took a glance at her chart. “Bad day” didn’t even begin to describe what this girl’s body had been through.

Cystic fibrosis. Truth was, many kids with this didn’t live this long, but because of medical technologies, they were living longer and longer. This was the mixed blessing of medicine. Because, no matter how much you treated CF, it never went away. Much like Ciara’s situation. Repeated hospital visits littered these kid’s lives and exhausted their care takers. But when they were well, they could live somewhat normal lives. Nowhere near as normal as Ciara had enjoyed, but normal none-the-less. School, friends, some activity.

Mrs. Hayes took her daughter’s hand in her own, bringing it up for a kiss and smiled as Molly stirred in her sleep. “Mama’s here, baby…go back to sleep.” Ciara quietly finished her duties and turned to leave.

“Ciara?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you have a few minutes?”

“Um, I have one more patient with rounds…can I come back in?”

“Yeah, I’ll be here. Thanks.”

“Not a problem.” Mom needed to vent. This is one of the things Ciara loved best about her job. It was not one of the things she expected about nursing, but found it to be the most rewarding. As a frequent patient herself, she was able to listen to a parent’s concerns and hopefully point things out that could help them be more effective care takers.

Ciara popped in to see her last patient, relieved it was someone up and moving around.

Having finished with him, she made her way back to Molly’s room and peeked in.

“Okay, Mrs. Hayes…why don’t we go down to the lounge to talk?”

“Yeah, good idea…” Kissing her daughter on the forehead, she quietly met Ciara in the hall. “Thanks for doing this. I don’t know what I’m really…I just need…”

“…to talk. It’s okay. Sometimes you just need to talk. I’ve got about half an hour so we’re good.”

The exhausted woman sat on the couch, and immediately buried her face in her hands.

Somehow knowing she could finally get some of her thoughts and feelings out in the open, released a great wall of stress and anxiety. “I’m sorry, Ciara. I just…” The woman sighed and finally blurted out what had been bottled up inside of her for months now.

“I wish I’d have never had her, Ciara.”

“Woah…I know it’s hard sometimes, unbearably so, but Mrs. Hayes…”

“Rebecca. Call me Rebecca.”

“Okay…Rebecca…you two have brought so much joy to each other. Nothing can take that away from you.”

“No? I feel like every time I bring her here, a few more memories are stolen. A little more light from one or both of us goes out. I just…it almost feels like it’s not worth it.

Why was she brought here just to have a miserable life?” Whatever happened to, ‘what do I do when I get scared and we’re home alone?’ kind of questions? Ciara could handle those. “I can’t answer that. But, Rebecca…you have each other and you just can’t let the hospital trips take it away. Some of it has to be your decision. You have to choos e joy.”

“You have no idea what it’s like.”

“No, from a mom’s point of view, I don’t. But I do from a patient’s point of view. I’ve spent many a week laid up in a hospital bed while my parents worried and fretted and exhausted themselves at my expense.”

“Oh really? I had no idea…”

“Yep. I’m a diabetic. And from that, I have a laundry list of other complications and problems that have kept me in one of those damned rooms too many times. And, from a patient’s point of view? There are times we wish you’d never had us.”

“Yeah, that’s probably true.”

“But when you look at all of life. All of it…I really wouldn’t want it any other way. My diabetes is part of who I am. And right now, for the most part, I kinda like me. Molly does too…it’s obvious.”

“Yeah, but you had a team of support. I’m alone in this. I feel like I can’t do it anymore.”

“You have no choice. She needs you right now. But you can choose how you handle it.”

“Cici! There you are!” A little moppet of a boy interrupted the women’s conversation, running into the room and jumping into Ciara’s lap. “I’m goin’ home, Cici!”

“Danny! I thought you were discharged at noon. Why are you still here?” She knew full well why. Might as well make Mom and Dad a bit uncomfortable. Looking up apologetically at Rebecca, she gave the boy a squeeze.

“Cuz I had to wait for Mommy to get off work to come get me.” Ciara and Rebecca couldn’t hide their disgust as their eyes met those of Danny’s parents.

It was common. Use the hospital as a babysitting ward. Made Ciara sick. Here was Rebecca, rightfully exhausted, beating herself up for just wanting to walk away, and there stood these two corporate-climbing-yuppies whose kid just had a bad case of croup and they couldn’t give up a day at work to sit with him while he got better. Or, God forbid, to pick him up once he was ready to head home.

“Uh, yeah…we, uh…yeah. I had meetings I couldn’t get out of.” Good. She should be uncomfortable. Wench.

“Mmm…it happens.” Ciara put on her professional smile and gave Danny another hug.

“Well, Danny…you go home and be good now. I don’t want to see you on this floor again, hear me?”

“Nope. They’re giving me the pink stuff. Said I have a sinus infection too.”

“That pink stuff will make it all better. Thanks for stopping by to say ‘good-bye’, sweetie.” She ruffled the child’s blond hair and smiled as his blue eyes danced in hers.

Mini Nick. Had the energy of him too. And it hurt. She wanted her own version of Mini Nick someday…and she’d never have it.

As they watched the family leave, Ciara turned to Rebecca and chose silence. Let her stew on what just happened. She couldn’t have timed it better herself.

“Wow.” That was all Rebecca could eke out at the time.

“Yeah, huh? It happens all the time here, Rebecca.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“I wish I was. And you know…I really shouldn’t be telling you personal stuff about me, but maybe it’ll make a point. Maybe not. Hell, I dunno…”

“Hit me.”

Ciara smiled at the woman and took a deep breath. “I get so irritated with that mentality we just saw because…well, besides the obvious reasons…”

“Yeah, that’s just sick.”

“Yep. But, you see. I can’t have kids. Never. I’ll never be a mom. And I see parents acting like that and I just want to scream. I’d be like you if I had a sick kid. By their bed 24/7, running myself into the ground with worry and fear and…anything that needed to be done, just to have the love of a child in my life. But I’ll never have that.”

“So when you see moms acting that way….”

“Yep. It honestly just hurts inside.”

“Can I ask you something else…totally personal?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Do you have someone special in your life? How does he feel about not being able to have kids?”

“I do and,” Ciara had to look down admitting this one, “he doesn’t know.” Damn.

Embarrassing admitting it to a virtual stranger.

“He doesn’t know? Ciara! How serious is it?”

“Pretty. Yeah, I’m going to…it’s very complicated.”

“Well, sure, but…Ciara, believe me. I’d rather have someone in my life to love no matter what. Whether it’s a sick kid or a man and no kid at all. You have someone who loves you.” Realizing that her statement could be misinformed, she continued, “He does love you, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah, he does.” Now that felt good to admit. Out loud even.

“I hate being alone.” Letting the reality of what she just said, sink in, Rebecca looked up to Ciara with a new brightness in her eyes. “And, you’re right. Nothing that happens here with Molly can take away what she and I have together, can it?”

“Nope. Not unless you let it.”

“Well, girl…that goes for you and your sweetie. What’s his name?”

“Nick.” She blushed saying his name and blushed further when she felt the blood rush to her face. Nick. Nick. When was he coming back?

“Aw…look at you! Honey, you have everything you need with him. Trust me. Loving someone even when it’s not story book perfect is better than not at all.”

“Wait a minute. I thought I was here to give YOU advice!? You’re not supposed to be counseling me!”

“Yeah, but listen to what I’m saying to you. You have helped. I just needed to say it and not have someone judge me as the world’s worst mother.”

“You’re not the…Rebecca…she’s still strong because of your love for her all these years.

You two will be fine.”

The older woman looked at the younger and smiled. Really smiled. Through her wrinkled eyes and pale skin a light shone that hadn’t been there in quite some time.

“Yeah, we will be, won’t we?”

Ciara nodded and stood, taking hold of the woman’s hand. “Now come on…go downstairs, get yourself something to eat and go home. Rest. She’s fine tonight, okay?”

“Yeah, okay. Let me go say ‘good-bye’ and I’m going to do just that. But you have to promise me something.”

“What’s that?”

“You tell that boy everything and then just enjoy your life together. You have something I never got. I’m envious.”

“Thanks. I’ll do that. Thanks for talking to me tonight.” Yeah, thanks for talking to me. Nick, kids, health, sickness, solitude. It all weighed on her mind as she finished her shift and headed home. He’d be home in a few more days and somehow this was all going to be discussed. If she lost him, she lost him. If not, then she had the greatest thing in her life already. She couldn’t ask for more.

***

“How’s Ciara doing?”

Nick looked up from loading his plate at the buffet table, surprised at Howie’s question.

They’d been holed up in this meeting room for hours and truth was, he felt totally friendless here. It was all business. The last 10 years together seemed to have lost its meaning. He felt lost and confused. Scared and alone. Outside of the times he’d hermitted himself in the past, he’d never felt that way with these guys. Now? Now, it seemed like so much had changed. Why the hell would Howie care?

“She’s good, man. Been doing okay lately.”

“Her blood sugar seem under control?”

What the? Since when did Howie…was this another one of her little secrets? Maybe that’s why he didn’t react at that auction on the cruise. He’d already known. Very interesting. “Eh, no more or less than usual, I guess. She’s glad it’s warmin’ up…she’s less achy that way.”

Howie nodded, dropping a spoonful of potato salad on his plate. This was awkward to be sure, but he hadn’t heard from Ciara as often as he had in the past. He was worried that she wasn’t taking care of herself…or that Nick wasn’t taking care of her properly. He just didn’t see him responsible enough. For a friendship, he’d be fine, but, he knew from watching his brother-in-law with his sister, that once there was a heart connection, seeing your loved one so sick could be unimaginably hard.

“Can I ask you something, D?”

“Yep.” Howie eye-balled two chairs stowed away in a corner of the room, hoping to have a little bit of privacy. Not that the others would try to join them. The tension in the room had been thick enough you could see the walls of division between the men. It was not fun.

Taking a seat with his only “friend” at the moment, Nick stopped to look at him. How far did he want this conversation to go? Howie had never been one he had ever gone to for advice, but in this situation it was quite possible that Howie would have some insight. It was time to test their years of friendship over the years of business partnership. “D, how long have you known about the Lupus?”

“Since before she was diagnosed, Nicky. I’m the one who rode her ass to get it checked out.”

“No way.”

“Yeah…I was seeing things in her that reminded me of Caroline. It took her years to finally talk to her doc about it.”

“She is a stubborn one.”

“Yeah, that she is.”

They ate in silence for awhile, Nick trying to determine what he wanted to ask. It just seemed something was looming over head and Howie would have an answer. But what?

And did he really? Howie could just see a man troubled with his heart. He didn’t know if he could help, but figured he’d just wait and let Nick lead.

“Has she always come to you with her health stuff?”

“Most of the time, yeah. I think she always keeps something to herself. She can’t let it all go or something…keeps her in control maybe.”

“Why do you think she does that? It drives me crazy!”

“Because she’s not in control of her health at all. She doesn’t know from one day to the next what will happen, how she’ll feel. But what people know, how much of her is allowed “out”…she can control that and have some things of her own.”

“But, how the hell am I supposed to help her if I don’t know what’s all going on?” Howie smiled at the man. Yep, the man. He cared more for Ciara than Howie thought possible. Than Howie trusted to be possible. He watched their blossoming relationship on the cruise, but seriously…he didn’t hold much hope for it. Figured Nick would bolt.

“You can only do your best, Nick. That’s all anyone would expect.”

“I’m just afraid my best isn’t good enough for her. I hate how she closes me off. Totally pushed me away after the Grammy’s and I still have no idea why.”

“If your best wasn’t good enough for her, I doubt she’d waste her time with you.”

“She’s not known for making good choices in partners, Howie. Maybe I’m just another mistake.”

“Nick…she’s loved you for years. Since the very beginning.” Nick sighed, popping a potato chip in his mouth. Love. Something they had yet to say to each other. The damned “L” bomb. They never dropped it because they both were afraid it would do what bombs do…explode and destroy. But Howie was right. She loved him and he knew it. And he loved her. By God, he loved her to no end. How come it seemed like such a mess right now, though? Maybe it was time to admit to someone how much she meant to him. “I love her, too.”

“I can see that…what’s going on that’s so messed up, then? I thought it was all sunshine and roses.”

“Well, like I said, she’s been pulling away again…since the last time I was out here. Still no idea why. I went to New York in a huff about it. Partied my ass off. She found out.”

“Nice job.”

“Thanks. I’ve never told her about the shit I was into during Millennium but she kinda put it all together. Gave me hell and then…”

“…did you blow it, Nick?”

“No! That’s just it. She should have kicked my ass out, but she didn’t. Made me look at all of her meds, hold ‘em all, read all the labels. She totally freaked, but then…it was

‘clean up’ or ‘get out.’ And she’s right. If she has to be in pain every damned day, then I have no right to try to dull my shit with something so dangerous.”

“Nope, you don’t. What were you using, idiot?”

“Ex.”

“Asshole.”

“Thank you. That’s one thing Ci and I have established.”

“Good to agree on something.”

Nick rolled his eyes and chuckled at the stupidity of the whole situation. Why the hell should he use anything after how far it had gotten a few years back? He was being stupid.

Fortunately, Ciara’s fit hit him between the eyes. And since it was only a now and again thing, he could easily walk away….hopefully.

“So, anyway, I know we have something worth working for, but right now…” He gulped back the last of his water, afraid to admit what was on his mind. “Now, I’m afraid I want more out of this than she does, and her health scares me. What if I can’t do what needs to be done for her?”

“You need to talk to her, Nick.”

“Like talking to a damned brick wall sometimes.”

“So whittle away at it. I saw the love between you two on that cruise. That was real. I wasn’t sure it’d last, but…I dunno, hearing you now, I think it can. I can’t believe anything’s changed since then.”

“Something has. I just can’t figure out what.”

“Is she worth working for?”

“Yes! Yes, absolutely.”

Having finished his meal, Howie got up and patted Nick’s shoulder as he walked by.

“Then get to work, Romeo. You got a big ole trellis to climb.” Yeah, he sure did. How many thorns would be on those vines that hung from that trellis?

How big were they, and more importantly, would they cause permanent pain?

***

Ciara’s stretch at work had been awful making her feel older than usual. She’d slept for only a few hours, hoping to get back to a daytime schedule just in time for Nick’s arrival back home. Sliding on a comfy pair of sweats, she curled up on the couch with a magazine, her taped soap operas and free time. Almost heaven.

After catching up on a few days’ worth of her stories, she heard what just might make

“almost heaven” become “heaven.” Nick’s truck in her drive way. She’d missed him so, worried about him so, wanted to talk to him desperately since her evening with Rebecca.

And now, he was finally home.

Tossing her magazine on the couch, she decided not to wait one second longer. She slid her feet into her ragged mouse slippers, wondering why they never seemed to last more than a few years, and yanked the door open, running outside to meet him.

“Nick! God, I missed you so much!” She jumped up in his arms, covering his face and neck in kisses, loving the feel of his arms wrapped around hers.

“Hey, baby! I missed you too!” Kissing her back, he set her on her feet, giggling at the nose on her left slipper. It was hanging by a thread. Literally. “Time for new ones again, huh?”

Looking down, she wiggled her toes. “Yeah, I guess so. How was the trip?” Silence and a shrug. Not good. “I don’t wanna talk about that right now, Ciara. Just you and me now, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” Sliding her arm around his waist as he picked up his bag, she gave him another squeeze, happy to oblige. “Just you and me.”

Chapter Sixty Three

Nick opened the screen door and let Ciara go in first, hardly able to control himself before shutting the door behind him. With one quick move, he bent down to kiss her, pressing her up against the wall in her foyer, sliding one hand up her shirt while the other swam through her long, soft curls. He’d missed her so much. The tour had been grueling, but tolerable. He’d kept himself clean this leg. He’d lived through an entire leg with Mandy and they ended the tour feeling better than they had began. No Grammy, unfortunately, but they had high expectations for a new album looming over head. After the two years he’d had, he felt like he could conquer anything.

But now? Now, he just wanted Ciara. No work, no Mandy, no expectations, no nothing.

Just her.

She moaned into his mouth as his hands worked and kneaded at her breasts, fumbling with the clasp between them to release her bra. Wrapping a leg around him, she pulled him in, wishing she were just a few inches taller so they’d both enjoy this position a little bit more, still comforted and calmed at the feel of his body pressed against hers.

“Take me upstairs. Make love to me, Nick.”

No problem. He scooped up her other leg, hiking her up so his hands cupped under her bottom. Never letting their mouths separate but to take a few seconds to drink in her eyes. So dark. So green. So full of passion for him. It made his head swim. She held onto the wall surrounding the staircase as he carefully made his way up, feeling for each step before he took it. “God, how many steps do you have?”

“I added a couple just to frustrate you.” She sucked on an earlobe while he trudged up a few more stairs.

“It worked.”

Carrying her all the way into the bedroom, he plopped her on the bed, lifting her shirt over her head, smiling as she slipped off her unhooked bra. “Cici…I want you so bad.”

“You got me, baby.” Smiling as he ripped his own shirt off, she sat up and pulled on the drawstring of his pants, easing them down his thighs and kissing her way back up.

“Something looks yummy.”

Smiling down at her, he ran a hand through her hair and jumped as she gently licked his purple tip with her tongue.

“You like that?”

“No, hate it.”

“Oh, well, let me try this then.” She glanced back up to him with a wicked smile and happily receiving one back from him, she moved her head slowly letting her long curls brush his tip, giggling as he groaned at her teasing. As she lowered back to him, she swirled her tongue around the whole of his head and stopped. “Like that?”

“More. Please.” His hand continued its travels in her hair and kept it brushed back enough so he could see what she was doing. He loved watching her love him.

“More? Okay.” She licked her lips again, letting the tip of her tongue ‘accidentally’ touch his tip again and finally, mercifully, covered him with her mouth, sliding over his length until she had taken as much of him in as she could.

“Oh, yeah…” Nick moved his hips up to her mouth matching her rhythm, still running his hands through her hair, keeping the curls that threatened to block his view back out of the way. Seeing her lips wrapped around him, watching himself disappear into her mouth was so damned erotic. Feeling her moan against him as she worked was almost too much. But, when her free hand slid between his legs and gently massaged his balls, he almost jumped off the floor. “Jesus, Ci!”

Stopping her mouth work, she looked up at him and smiled, “Yes?”

“Lay down…now.” He pushed on her shoulders, yanked off her pants and underwear in one fell swoop, immediately straddling her, kissing her breasts, chest and stomach with an almost frantic passion. Slow torture be damned.

Finally able to find her voice, though not wanting to stop what he was doing, she had to be the responsible one. “Condom. Now.”

He kissed her again and pulled away with panic in his eyes. “Shit. I didn’t bring anything.”

“Tell me you’re kidding.”

“Ci, I’m not…don’t you…?”

“Uh…” closing her eyes, realizing that this admission would indicate she’d been “with” someone…namely Dennis, she finally spoke up, “I just ran out.” Panic raced through their minds, then peace hit her. A strange sort of peace. For some reason, she knew this would be okay.

She reached up and took his face in her hands, wrapping one leg around him, pulling him dangerously close to her entrance. “Do you trust me?” Breathlessly, he answered. “Always.”

“Then to hell with it. It’s okay.”

“Are you sure? I mean…”

“Yep. Please, Nick. Trust me. We’re good, okay? We’re good.” The whole time she spoke, he was kissing and licking her neck and shoulders, making her more and more desiring of him and more and more convinced that this would be fine. And it would. Whether he understood why or not. “Mmmkay, we’re good.” Kissing her breasts and spending a few moments on each nipple, he slid his hand between her thighs, pushing a finger deep inside her folds before she even realized he was there. “Nick…Oh, Jesus.”

“You’re so wet, baby…”

“That’s because I want you…now.”

He was scared, but didn’t care. He knew the consequences, but right now? The thought of feeling Ci. All of her? No barrier? No…nothing but her and him…it was too much.

After a few more strokes of his fingers deep inside her, he hiked up and hovered over her again, spreading her legs further apart with his thigh. Looking in her eyes once again just to be sure, he stopped.

“Yes, Nick. Please.” She touched his face amazed at the depth of blue they’d become in their passion. “Be inside me.”

That did it. Without one more thought, he rested his tip on her wetness and bore his eyes into her, wanting to feel everything that was to happen. Bending down for one more quick kiss, he slowly slid into her amazed at the sound that came from his mouth as he totally and completely felt her and nothing but her wrapped around him, caressing him, squeezing him as he moved inside of her.

She wrapped both legs around his hips, bringing him in closer, loving how he stretched her, making her tighten around him even more. He wouldn’t last long, especially at this new sensation between them, and frankly, neither would she. She’d been waiting all day for him to come home working herself up rather nicely. Once he touched her, she could have climaxed right then and there. But now…feeling him inside her, she too was near the edge.

As their pace increased, Ciara pushed on his shoulders, flipping him on his back and bringing herself up on top, never completely removing their connection. “Give me your hand.”

He brought a hand up her thigh and she took hold of his thumb, slowly sliding it to her clit. “Yeah…there…like that…kinda soft.” She smiled down at him and picked up her pace, matching thrust to thrust, stroke to stroke.

She reached back to find that sensitive spot between his thighs and his balls, stroking in the same rhythm bringing him closer to the edge. “Oh God, Ci…yes, yes baby…I’m gonna….”

She felt his balls tighten and slammed one last time down on him as he exploded inside of her, never once quitting what he was doing to her. His dance on her clit was perfect and when she felt him throb one final time inside of her, she gasped and groaned, riding the orgasm that swept through her body.

Laying down on his chest, they stayed connected, as best as they could, unable to move.

Unwilling to try. She kissed the sweat off of his neck and finally slid to his side, moaning as she felt him slide out of her. “I hate that part.”

“Me too.” Looking down at her mop of auburn curls, he ran a hand through them,

“Ciara…my god…that was incredible.”

“Yeah. I know.” Twirling her finger through the hair on his chest, she moaned as her walls continued to contract, causing a small leak of warm, thick fluid. Now that part, she loved. That was him inside of her. Totally. Completely. She never wanted to move.

“It’s too late now, but you’re sure that was okay?”

“Yep. Totally.”

“God, I don’t ever wanna go back.”

“Well…”

“I know. I know. But, Jesus.”

“Mmm…was nice, huh? You hungry?” Let’s get out of this subject, please. I’m out of control.

“Always.”

Sitting up and running her fingers through his sweaty hair, she bent down and kissed him softly. No way could she tell him why this was safe. And really, although, she probably should, she had no idea of his habits and she didn’t care. The other worry was not there and dammit, she wanted him. All of him. If he didn’t ask, she wouldn’t tell. It was just the way it’d have to be right now.

***

AJ jumped up from the sound board feeling his phone vibrating in his pants. The rule for this trip to the Bahamas was no girlfriends, no family, no nothing. They were rounding out their time there and he’d gotten used to the peace and quiet and lack of a constantly ringing phone.

“What the hell, J?”

Digging deep into his capri’s, he finally found the phone and held it up for Brian to see.

“It’s a phone. And it’s buzzing! I forgot how thrilling that was.” Rolling his eyes, Brian put his headphones back on and turned his attention to Nick in the sound booth. They’d all had their share of personal calls, but at least everyone waited until they were done working.

“Whaddup?”

“AJ, thank God you’re there.”

“Cici!? Honey, what the hell are you calling me here for?”

“Do you know why ‘Bose’ is written on my goddamned speakers?”

“Huh? Ciara, what are you talking about?” AJ looked to Brian who had since pulled the headphones off again, concern overflowing for what apparently was a friend in need.

Ciara didn’t call like this.

“The word ‘Bose’. It’s on my new speakers and I don’t know why. It’s pissing me off!”

“Okay, okay…um, honey, they put the brand name of the speaker on there. Like an advertisement.” Eyes bugging out, AJ pointed to Nick in the sound booth and mouthed to Brian. “Go get him…something’s wrong.”

“Well, that’s stupid. I just don’t understand why the word is there. Who put it there?”

“Hang on, Cici…hang on. Do not hang up.”

“God dammit, AJ, don’t you…”

Nick came out from the booth almost frantic. “Gimme the phone. Is she okay?”

“No, man. She is totally whack. What the fuck is up with her speakers?”

“Her speakers? I gave her my old ones she’d been storing. We set ‘em up before I left…what the…”

“She’s wiggin’, man. ‘Why is ‘Bose’ written on my speakers!?’ I don’t know what’s wrong with her.”

“Okay…” Taking AJ’s cell out into the hall, Nick tentatively put the phone up to his ear.

“…I’m trying to explain to you that this stupid word is on these speakers and I don’t know why! AJ! God damn you for not listening to me.”

“Cici…Cici…baby.”

“Where’s AJ? Who’s this?”

“Ci…it’s Nick. What’s got you so upset?” He made his way outside and started walking around the building. She never called while he was working and definitely not on this trip. Hell, even Mandy knew better. What had gotten into her?

“These goddamned speakers you gave me, Nick. Why is ‘Bose’ written on ‘em? It’s…I’m not happy with it.”

“Okay, Cici…they’re Bose speakers. Company’s do that. Why does it matter?”

“Because it does, okay!? Jesus! Why can’t you see the problem?” The light bulb went off in Nick’s head. Finally. “Ciara, when did you eat last?”

“What!? Who the hell cares about food at a time like this?” Now it was almost comical. If he wasn’t so worried about her, he’d be laughing. Probably a good thing he was worried. The last thing he needed was for her to hang up on him. “I do. When did you eat?”

“You don’t even CARE!?”

“Yes, Cici…I care. You know that. I care that you need to eat. What’s your blood sugar been like today?”

“I have no fucking idea, Nick. I don’t appreciate you challenging my care of myself. I just want these speakers fixed!”

Oh, this was going to be fun. “They’re not broken. When did you eat?” Finding a large rock, he sat down, kicking off his sandals to dangle his feet in the small tide pool that had formed under the rock’s lip.

“Breakfast…I think?”

“You think you ate breakfast!? Cici…go eat.” Good, she was calming down. Problem was, that means she’d check out soon. He had to get food in her somehow. Now.

“No. I want these speakers taken care of.”

“I can’t do that right now. I’m not home. You have to eat.”

“No.”

“Cici, baby. It’s Nicky here. Please. Go to your refrigerator.”

“I want you to fix these, Nick. I don’t like it.”

“Okay, I’ll fix it when I get home. You at the frig?”

“Yep.”

“Open it and see if you have any fruit in there.”

“Mmmkay.” She opened the door and looked inside, suddenly forgetting why she was there. “What do I want in here?”

“Fruit. Is your bowl full?”

“Yeah, look. There’s some kiwi in here.”

“Good. Get one out.”

“Mmmkay.” She pulled out a kiwi and closed the door, walking to her sink. “Got one.

Nick, I want you to fix these things.”

“I will. Promise. Now get a knife and cut it in half.”

“Okay…” She glanced around the kitchen feeling like she’d never been there before.

“Um…where are my knives?”

“Um…Where are you facing?”

“The sink.”

“The small drawer to your right.”

“There they are. Okay.” She cut the fruit in half and tossed the knife into the sink.

“You’re gonna fix my speakers, Nick?”

“Yep. Now get out a spoon. That’s how you like to eat them, isn’t it?”

“Yeah…what about my speakers?”

“I’ll be home in a few days, Ci. I’ll get ‘em then. You have a spoon?”

“Yep. And I’m putting it in…”

He heard her stop talking as she slid the first morsel of fruit in her mouth. “Good. Keep eating, baby. I’ll stay with you, okay?”

Nick stood back up, picking up his shoes and smiling sheepishly as Brian and AJ walked toward him, worry written all over their faces.

“She okay?”

Covering the mouthpiece of the phone, he whispered, “She will be. She needed to eat.”

“Does she always do that!?” AJ was still hyperventilating. He’d never seen Ciara that out of control before.

Nick shook his head ‘no’ and went back to her on the phone. “You still eating?”

“Huh? Oh…” She looked down at the fruit in her hand and stuck the spoon in again. “No, I forgot.”

“It’s okay. Eat some more.” The three men made their way into the building with Brian and AJ in utter shock to see Nick treating her so tenderly. They didn’t think he had it in him.

“This is good kiwi.”

That finally made him laugh, the tension of the moments past draining away with each chuckle. “Yeah, I bet it is. You know how to pick good fruit.”

“Yesh…mmmm…yesh I do.”

He missed her anyway, but knowing she’d been in need like this and he couldn’t be there to help just about killed him. Although, imagining her sitting, probably in the middle of her kitchen floor, slurping up a kiwi just busted him up, making the bizarre situation much more bearable. “You feeling better now?”

“Yeah…still confused.”

“Okay, do you want me to sit with you a bit longer?”

“Could you?”

“Yep. I’m here.” Nick motioned for the others to go back inside the studio, wanting to make sure she was totally back to normal before he hung up with her.

They waited in silence as she finished her fruit and cleaned up. “Mmm…that was good.

Okay, now what?”

“Um, why don’t you drink a little juice to be sure and then check your sugar.”

“Good idea.” He listened as she poured herself a glass of juice and drank it, neither saying anything, both wanting to reach out and hold the other. “That was good too.”

“Yep. Do you know where your monitor is?”

“It’s over there on the counter. I think I’m okay now, Nick.”

“Nope. I’ll wait. Go check it.”

“Did I embarrass myself this time?”

“Nope. You’re good.” Like he’d admit that she had. He’d tell her later and they’d laugh.

Right now, it wasn’t funny.

She started the routine of sticking her finger, dropping the blood on a test strip and sticking it into her machine when realization of where Nick was finally hit her. “Oh shit, Nick!”

“What, babe?”

“You’re in the Bahamas! Oh God! I’m so…Oh, Jesus, Nick. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m glad you called AJ. God knows what would have happened.”

“AJ!? I called AJ?”

“Yeah. I’m on his cell.”

“Oh for God’s…59. I’m 59.”

“That’s still awful low. Have you had any breakfast?”

“I might have puked it back up this morning, come to think of it. Wonder if I fell back asleep before I ate again.”

“You’re still doing that?”

“Now and then, yeah…I’ll eat some cereal here. I have to go get your mutts anyway.”

“Yep, don’t leave ‘em with her. She’ll starve the things.”

“Yeah, already had a fight with her once. She’s a piece of work, Nick.”

“Mmm…everything okay with her now?”

“We’ve agreed to hate each other. It’s a decision I can live with.” Why he found that funny he didn’t know, but he did. Kinda sorry he’d missed the fight.

Might have been entertaining. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I can tell….I hear the laugh in your voice.”

“Sorry.” Giggle.

“Just get rid of her, Nick. You don’t need her.” It wasn’t that he needed Ciara either, but Cici knew that this relationship with Mandy was incredibly unhealthy. Problem was, she was in one of those herself with Dennis. What right did she have?

“I’m workin’ on it, Ci. I’m workin’ on it.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Hey, it looks like Kevin’s patience has worn out. He’s pacing. You okay now?”

“I’m good. Yeah. Thank you.”

“Anytime. I’ll see you in a few days, okay?”

“I can’t wait.”

There was his girl. “I can’t either. B’bye!”

Ciara slid the phone out of her hand and lazily hung it up on its cradle. “B’bye. I miss you, Nicky.”

***

After the writing/recording session in the Bahamas, the next few months flew by for Ciara and Nick. They stole as many afternoons together as they could, taking advantage of the first real down time Nick had had in years.

Ciara and Dennis were casual at best, although she was feeling a need for a break with that as well. He drank. Too much. And when he drank, he got violent. Never hit Ciara, but he’d start swinging, punching holes in walls, knocking lamps off tables and generally creating a mess. He scared her, but yet, when he was sober, he was fine. Unhappily married, not willing to leave the wife, not wanting to stay and ready to bring some affection into Ciara’s life when Nick was too busy with his own romantic mess.

What a mess it was. He wanted Mandy out. He’d kick her out, she’d threaten spilling the truth about his behavior on tour and he’d take her back. He’d kick her out, she’d pout and he’d take her back in. AJ had said earlier that she had Nick by the balls and he wasn’t kidding. But, he kept it all together somehow by making visits to Ciara’s.

Sometimes they’d end up in bed, sometimes they wouldn’t. They never used protection again, and selfishly enough, Nick never asked. It was too good without. And it was only with Cici that he was so ‘careless’. She was the one he really cared about anyway, so….well, it just made sense. Even if it did seem stupid.

Now, Mandy was gone for a few weeks laying down more tracks for her record. So, they had free reign to be together. Nick had little to no obligations for work right now, and they took full advantage. Tonight? A real date. Dinner by candlelight, swimming, maybe even a moonlit stroll.

“Hey, Nick…come on in. I’m almost ready.”

Nick let himself in when he heard her calling from her bedroom. He loved getting there before she was ready to go someplace. Something about watching her finish up her routine made him feel more connected to her. Maybe because it was something she left private for so long, as had he, but now…now almost nothing was private between them.

And he loved it.

“Mmm…you look nice.”

“You don’t look so bad yourself.” She pulled her curls up in a pony tail and wrapped a band around it, pulling it out just enough to be a rough bun. A few loose curls hung to each side of her face that she kept trying to capture and clip with bobby pins. “Damned things.”

“Leave ‘em down. I like that.”

Looking at his reflection in the mirror, she was taken with the way he was looking at her.

She blushed. Not something she did easily. “Thanks.”

With one more quick make-up check, she led him out of the bathroom by the hand.

“Okay, Romeo. Take me away.”

“You got your swimsuit?”

“Yep. My bag’s by the door. Lemme check my sugar before we go, huh?”

“Mmmkay.” As they made their way back downstairs, Nick noticed something in the wall surrounding the stairwell. “Ciara…what’s this?”

“Hmmm?” Turning back around to see what he was looking at, she quickly jaunted down the remainder of the stairs and made her way into the kitchen hoping to convince him she’d not heard him.

He studied the ding further and said nothing more. She was either pre-occupied or hiding something. Either way, he’d learned from his own experiences lately that sometimes you hid things for a reason. So he didn’t pry. Until he landed on the bottom step and saw another ding. And another. And the frame of her pantry door looking askew.

“Ciara…what the hell happened in here? Looks like someone took a club to your walls.” Looking up from her monitor, she casually glanced at the wall his eye had never left. “Oh yeah…that.” Dammit.

“Yeah, that. What happened?”

“Nothing, really.”

Raising his eyebrows, he joined her in the kitchen, glancing at the monitor himself. “140.

Not bad.”

“Nope, you ready to sweep me off my feet?”

“Oh definitely.”

Smiling at his playful expression, she slid her hand through his arm and headed toward the front door. Grabbing her bag before leaving, she stopped and pulled him in for a hug.

“Woah…what was that for?”

“Can’t a girl just give you a hug?”

“Well, yeah…”

“Just thanks. Thanks for um…for courting me. I need this.”

“Good. Let’s go.”

The drive to his home was brief and quiet, Ciara grateful for being able to elude any more questions about the condition of her walls, and Nick spinning different scenarios as to how they got that way. Could it have been from a high blood sugar fit? Maybe a low one and she got confused or was bumping into walls? But, if that was the case, she wouldn’t be hiding it from him, would she?

Pulling his truck into the garage, he looked over at her and smiled. Her auburn curls seemed to brighten up in the summer, and they played off her green eyes perfectly. He’d never get used to the way she looked at him lately. It was like they had a secret between them. And they did. They had a secret even from each other, yet somehow they shared in its treasure. It was a love no one could explain. And no one dared.

“Wait here, let me get your door.”

“Oh wow…a total gentleman.”

And so their evening went. He’d had food catered in, probably paying for the atmosphere as well with candles and flowers sprinkled throughout his dining room, kitchen and she hoped, his bedroom.

Even though the dining room table was set for romance, they took their meal outside by the pool. The evening couldn’t have been more perfect. Just humid enough to remind you where you were, but not so stifling you couldn’t breathe. She looked over to him just as he stuffed a huge forkful of pasta in his mouth and giggled as a strand of angel hair hung from his lips.

“Mmm…**slurp**…nicsh timing, Shee…”

“Sorry…you were supposed to look sexy and dashing.”

“Ah, but see,” he swallowed and took a huge swig of water, “you know the real truth.”

“Yes, I do. You’re still sexy and dashing. Even with pasta hangin’ from your mouth.” Putting his fork down, he finally asked what he’d been dying to since he picked her up.

“So, tell me…now that my mouth’s not full…what happened at your house?” Hrm. No getting out of it this time. Putting her own fork down and getting up from the table to stand by the railing, she heaved a sigh before confessing. Maybe in confession, she’d find strength to do something about it. “It’s from Dennis.”

“Dennis!? How in the hell…”

“Well, he tends to drink too much sometimes and then he comes over, and…”

“Does he hit you?” Damn, that sounded too familiar.

“No. He gets violent though and just starts swinging. I’m not the easiest person to live with, you know.”

“There is nothing you could do to justify that, Cici. You know it.”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

“Okay, so what pissed him off so much he punched in a wall…numerous times?”

“You know, Nick? I care about you a lot and I can share a lot of things with you, but this…this just isn’t one of them.”

Walking over to her, he leaned back on the railing and brought her to stand between his legs. She rested her head on “her spot” on his chest, wrapping her arms around him, wondering how she could want this thing that was right there, but yet was so far out of reach. It made no sense.

He said nothing, and in his silence he said so much to her. That these things didn’t matter to him. He knew her as he knew her and that was all that mattered to him. The truth was, she’d mentioned Nick one too many times to Dennis. Always as a friend in her life, but after a time, and after a few too many drinks, Dennis’ jealousy got out of control. Perfectly pointless being that he kept a wife at home, but there it was. There was no way in hell Ciara was going to tell Nick that he was the reason for the holes in her walls. Nope. No way.

“You know, I understand that you don’t want to talk about it. I totally get it, but Ci…believe me. You need to get away from that.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Yeah, I am. Because she doesn’t do that shit anymore, Ci. If that had continued, she’d definitely be out.”

“Then I wish she’d slug you a good one, Nick. You need her out of your life. And not for me to replace her. I can’t do that, but…she needs to be gone.”

“So does Dennis.”

“We’ve made a mess of things, haven’t we?”

“In some ways, yeah. But…”

“But right now this just feels perfect.”

“Totally perfect.”

***

“Okay, so I’m later than hell anyway, right?”

“Right. Hand me the spackle knife.” Time to fix the holes in the walls. Neither Nick or Ciara quite knew what they were doing, but between some internet searching and memories of her daddy fixing a hole she had put in a wall during a conniption at age 9, she felt like they could do this. And he insisted on helping. How could a girl refuse?

“Wait! Before you go on, let’s add some music, huh?”

“Oh yeah…use those Bose speakers…good idea.”

“Oh shut the fuck up. I’m horrified I did that.”

“Don’t be…it was a riot. So, anyway, I get there, still dressed in shorts and shit and I finally get to my limo. Guy gets out, looks me over, ‘You goin’ to a wedding, dude’?”

“Nice, a smart assed driver.”

“Of course, so I just look at him and hand him my bags. Pull the whole celebrity ‘tude cuz I’m not in the mood for this damned wedding anyway, and I’ve had nothing but shit trying to get there. Does that look right?” He leaned back and inspected the screening job he’d done on their first hole.

“Yeah, looks great…this is ready to go.” She handed him the cement-like mixture and watched him slather it on the spot. “So does he,” singing the rest of her question, “get you to the church on time!?”

He stopped spreading the compound on the wall and glared at her. “You’re a riot. And yeah. Sorta. Ciara…you’ve heard Kevin say he got married in the mountains, right?”

“Yep…missed a spot.”

“Oh, yeah…” Smoothing out his work, he stuck the blade into the spackle and handed it to her. “That looks okay, huh?”

“Yep, perfect. So, the mountains.”

“Yeah…he’s not kidding, Ci. Miles and miles in and out of these damned things. This place was his dad’s camp. But this town, the whole place…total Appalachia. It really explained a lot to me about him.”

“Oh yeah? How’s that?” She got up from her position on the floor groaning at the pain that shot through her hip. “Damn, I can’t do that. This one look ready?”

“Yep. I’ll get it. You sit down for a minute.” Getting down on his knees, he worked spackle into the second hole and continued his story. “Anyway, Kevin…I mean, this place is totally depressed, Ci. Brian, man. He came from money. But Kev…he was the poor part of the family, you could tell just from where he grew up. Gorgeous guy, out of the hills. Always on top of the game in school, in the community, at church. And here he comes to show biz and he’s just any other dude. No wonder he’s such a control freak.

Always having to be on top. It’s all he’s known.”

“Probably explains his hidden resentment of you, too.”

“You think?”

“Hell, yeah. You stole his thunder. Young, gorgeous, all the girls want you. I mean, he has his fans, but…”

“Mmm…never thought of it that way. Not sure he does either, but it’s something to think about.”

“So how was the wedding? Or did you totally miss it?”

“Oh, I made it…sorta. In my damned shorts lookin’ like an idiot.”

“I can imagine…so was the bride bootiful and all that jazz?”

“Yeah, nice wedding…simple. But then we had to get down that stupid mountain.”

“Problem?”

“Right now, yeah…where’s that other hole?”

“Up in the stairwell…need a light?”

“Yep…come up and talk to me.”

Up she went, bringing their drinks and thoroughly enjoying this glimpse of domestic bliss. She sat down on a stair a few steps away from him, rubbing his calves as he worked. “So how’d Mohammed get down the mountain?”

“Um…with lots of twists and turns and hills and valleys. It was awful. I rode with AJ and I swear that limo driver was on speed or somethin’. We could barely sit up he was whippin’ us around so much. I was curious, so I asked him to clock how far down the mountain it was.”

“How far?”

“Two miles, Ciara. It’s not a two mile high mountain. That’s how twisty those roads were.

Can you imagine trying to get through there in the winter? Kevin fuckin’ lived there!”

“Dear God…did you get nauseaus?”

“Nauseaus? AJ and I couldn’t open the doors fast enough to totally lose our stomachs.

Both of us. Made the dude pull over as soon as we hit Irvine.”

“Oh no!” She couldn’t help but laugh. Poor guys. Nothing like barfing on a tux.

Although…”Good thing you didn’t have your tux on then, huh?”

“No kidding. I don’t get car sick much, but…that…I have no idea how he lived with that day in and day out.”

“He obviously got used to it.”

“I guess. Okay, this one’s done too. You said your dad’s gonna fix that framing?”

“Yep. This weekend.”

“K, let’s go out back, huh? I just wanna sit in the sun with you.” He sat on the chaise, spreading his legs and patting the seat between them. Snuggling up against him, she had to sigh, again grateful for a nice afternoon and great company. She could get real used to him being home all the time. This was way too nice. Her view out back wasn’t as nice as his on the bay, but it didn’t matter. The shrubs she’d planted for privacy were blooming in full and it was nice enough. And they were alone, and at peace and together. Nothing else mattered.

“Okay, so you puked up a lung, and then the reception…”

“It was a reception. Nothing special. I hate those things.”

“Yeah, they can be weird. So tell me. Are they happy?”

“I have no idea, Ciara. What makes a couple happy anyway?”

“I’m not sure either of us are equipped to answer that one right now.”

“No, probably not. But, you know what?”

“What?”

“I want that some day. Maybe not what they have cuz I find it strange, but whatever it is that makes a wedding day work after the wedding day. I want that.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Know what else?”

“What?”

“When I think of it, when I picture it in my mind, I only see it with you.”

Chapter Sixty Four

Ciara pulled away from him, getting up from their comfortable spot on the chaise and walked away. No, he couldn’t be saying such things. He had no idea what he was saying or what he’d be getting himself into. She wasn’t ready for this talk. She was not ready.

“Nick, you don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Yeah, Cici, I think I do. I’ve thought a lot about this, and I know…someday…”

“NO! Stop! Please!”

“Why are you doing this, Ci? Why do you pull away like this? I’m not proposing to you.

I’m just saying…”

“Well you need to quit ‘just saying’, Nick. You need to just get the idea totally out of your head.”

“Why!? You’ve done nothing but push me away since I got back from LA last month. We haven’t made love in…in weeks. What the hell happened that’s making you shut me out?”

“Nothing, Nick. It’s nothing you’ve done. It’s…it’s nothing.”

“Bullshit. We’ve pansied around this for too long. I sat there in your kitchen and listened to every word you had to dish out to me about the…the…” He couldn’t even say it. He was still so humiliated he’d lowered himself to that again. But, if he was going to expect her to be honest with him, he’d have to be honest as well. “….the drugs. I never told you I didn’t want to hear anymore. I listened, I took in everything and I realized what an idiot I had been.”

“I know, and I appreciate that, Nick. I really do.”

“Now it’s your turn, Ciara. You now know everything. Every god damned ugly part of myself. I had a drug problem. I used. I got treatment. I used again last tour and I used again once I got home. I never got out of control again, but I went back to my stupid behavior and leaned on some thing rather than myself or someone who could help me.

You found out, you told me where to take my sorry ass if I didn’t get it fixed and let me decide.”

“And your decision?”

“Is you. Me and you. I’m not gonna do it again, Ci. Partially because I don’t want to lose you, but mostly…because I don’t wanna lose me.”

She turned from her spot on the porch, arms still crossed, message of closure still being sent, but broke the barrier a bit with a smile. She knew this evening was the moment to make or break their future. But, no matter which way it went, just hearing that, she knew he’d be okay. His decision to stay clean was for him. This was good. “I’m glad to hear that, Nick. I knew you’d reach that point.”

“Now it’s time for me to make an ultimatum. You can’t push me away anymore, Ci.” She turned back around, not able to look at him, not wanting to hear this. Do or die.

Make or break. Fight or flight. It was too much.

Wanting to be assured he had her full attention, he walked to her and ran a hand through her hair, causing her to meet her sad green eyes with his scared, worried blue.

“Half of my life has been with you in it. Half of my life. I don’t know what life is like without you in it and I never want to know that. But, Ciara…I can’t keep this up.

I can’t just be your toy. I can’t just be your caretaker. I can’t just be your companion when you’re lonely. That worked for awhile, but now…you have to see that everything’s different. Please tell me you see that.”

“Yeah, Nick. I do.”

“Then I need you to…open up. Let me in. All the way. Tell me what to do to break through that goddamned wall you’ve spent so long building.”

“I’m scared, Nick.”

“It’s okay. We’re partners now. I know that. We’ll work it out.”

“Don’t promise that. You don’t know.”

“Then tell me so I will. No more hiding, Ci. No more.”

“Can we take a walk and talk? I’m about to jump out of my skin.”

“Yeah, sure…whatever. You want to go back to my place and we’ll head out to the beach?”

She thought about that for a minute. She couldn’t run then and neither could he. Yeah.

That might be good. They’d have to finish this out. Take their time if ‘good-bye’ was really going to be their parting words. “Yeah, let’s go there.”

***

Ciara had gone over this scenario in her mind so many times, she should be able to just close her eyes and make it all pour out. But now that it was here, now that she was laying next to Nick, propping themselves back on their elbows, toes digging into the sand, the quiet rush of the surf rolling in, feeling more love for him and from him than she could imagine, she suddenly felt completely incapable of spitting it out. She had to; she would. Whether it would make any sense or not…well, that was another tale altogether.

“First, I’m sorry for pushing you away. Physically, emotionally…I’m sorry. I’ve done it to every man in my life and lucky you…I didn’t want you to feel left out.”

“I think I could have handled missing that little adventure.”

“Yeah…I bet you could have.”

She leaned over and rested her head on his arm wishing this was over, scared for it to actually be. “I’m so sorry Nick.”

“I know…”

“That’s not what you wanna hear, though, is it?”

“Not totally, no.”

“Hmmm…was hopin’ I could eke out of this.”

“Nope.”

Stubborn mule. Fine. “Okay, let me go back in time. Way back.” She sat up and turned to face him, sitting “Indian style” with her knees resting against his thighs.

“Okay. How far back we talkin’ here?”

“Remember the Disney trip way back? Lindsey showed up with Kevin and I had no idea?

You guys had just come back from a jaunt in Europe…”

“Yeah, the one where I stuck my foot in my mouth.”

“Yep, that one. How old were we then? You were 16? 17? Yeah…cuz I was 21.”

“Jeez, seems like a lifetime ago.”

“Yeah, in many, many ways it was. Only one other person…well, three other people know about this. And I need it to stay that way.”

“Yeah, sure…” Now he was getting nervous. What the hell?

“Okay…please tell me this isn’t about that!?”

“No, no…not at all. I’m just trying to get the time frame right in my mind too…where you were and stuff.”

“Mmkay…”

She stopped. Fear gripped her and she couldn’t speak. Looking up to him, she smiled sheepishly as her eyes met his. He knew. Had he been forced into spilling his shit with her like this, he knew the fear he’d have had. As it was, he was caught. But he knew.

Sitting up and turning so their knees met, he took her hands in his. “I’m here, Ci…I’m here. Just talk.”

Nodding, she took a deep breath. “Okay…do you know why Dwayne and I quit seeing each other?”

“He showed up stoned didn’t he?”

“Yeah, but, uh…I saw him now and again after that too.”

“Oh…I guess I didn’t realize that.”

“I know. That was on purpose. I was being an idiot.”

“Been known to happen.”

“Thank you, dear…anyway, so uh, he’d come over and you know…even though…well anyway, sometimes when you’re not careful, mistakes happen.”

“Like….”

“Like unexpected pregnancies.”

Nick’s eyes bugged out of his head. No way. “Pregnan-…Cici? You!?”

“Yeah, Nick. Me. Pregnant. This was not too long after my thymectomy and right before my eye surgery. My health was in the toilet as it was. Then I got stupid and got pregnant.”

“How come no one ever…”

“Well, that’s where it gets fun…and that’s when I decided that…because of how I handled it and…and everything…that I didn’t deserve…that no one should ever…” She sighed again, not wanting to cry so early on in this discussion, but she was losing out to the emotions she’d bottled up for so many years.

“What happened, Ci?”

“I went to the doc like a good little nurse should. They not only confirmed the pregnancy, but they even let me hear the baby’s heartbeat.” There went a tear. She could still hear it…just like it was yesterday. “I was pretty far into it before I went to the doc because I just didn’t want to face the truth.”

“Yeah, I can imagine doing that…you had to be petrified…almost ready to graduate…”

“Yep…and sicker than a dog anyway…

So, I hear the baby’s heartbeat. It’s real. Like…it sounds like a washing machine. Shook, shook. Shook, shook.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah, cool. Until I go see my regular doc. He looks at my chart, checks all of my blood levels and things…kidneys, blood pressure, all of it…and he basically tells me there is no way I can carry this baby safely. For me or for the baby.”

“Oh…”

“So, the two doctors talked and I had to make a decision. Risk it or…”

“Or? Or what?”

“Or end it. You add my Catholic upbringing into the mix, and even though I don’t practice my religion, it’s still in me, you know?”

“Totally…so, you had an abortion?”

“Yeah, Nick. They called it a ‘medical termination,’ but the asshole sent me to a standard abortion clinic and everything. I was treated like a common street whore who’d gotten knocked up again and…” Tears. Lots of them. Slowly started sliding out of her eyes but were eventually wracking her to the point where she could barely talk. But she didn’t stop. Now that she had started and gotten over the first hurdle of what she had to tell Nick, she just couldn’t stop.

Nick tried to wrap his arms around her to help her calm down so she could continue, but she pushed him away. “No…I need to…just let me go here. Please.”

“Okay…okay…it’s fine, Cici…it’s fine. I’m so sorry I didn’t know…I couldn’t have been there for you.”

“Well, yeah. I’d have never told you this then, honey. You were 16 years old. You couldn’t have handled this.”

“I could have…I could…”

“No. No one could. Everyone ran.”

“Everyone? You did this alone? Where the hell was Dwayne? It was his kid too!”

“Yeah, I know. He said he’d show but didn’t. Lindsey said she’d sit with me once I got home, but had ‘a headache’ and never bothered. Turns out okay. It was kind of icky even before I left.”

“How’s that?”

“Well, so happens the doc was right. I had started to bleed, my blood pressure went through the roof…and remember my eyes?”

“Yeah…”

“Yeah, that’s when that buggy eyes shit started. I was toxic.”

“Toxic?”

“Um, basically my body saw the fetus as a foreign object and was doing everything it could to eliminate it. My body…it just…it hates me. It’s my enemy. Always has been.” He had nothing to say. Nothing could soothe that kind of ache. Words were empty, she was still too stiff to accept a hug and…he felt totally helpless. It was a 6 year old agony, but yet it felt so fresh, so new, so…painful. After a few moments to allow her to calm down, wipe up the tears and get her breathing back to normal, she continued, smiling at the bright blue eyes looking at her. So far so good. He wasn’t running.

“So, anyway, I had it done…I’d have lost it anyway, but…it was at MY hand that I lost it.

My choice, my decision. I killed my baby.”

“No…no, Ciara…you just said you were gonna lose it anyway…and even if you hadn’t…you could have died, the baby may have died…no….you did the right thing.”

“I’m still not settled on that. And that’s a large reason why I just…I can’t let anyone close to me. I’m not worthy of someone loving me. I killed my baby, Nick.” Again, nothing. He had nothing. He just sat and rubbed his thumbs over her knuckles, silently coaxing her to keep going. He could tell there was much more to say. What she didn’t know was hearing her talk, hearing what she went through alone…he was only falling more and more in love with her. He wanted to spend the rest of his life showing her that she was worthy of another person’s love. But now? Now it was time to let her talk. Let her begin to heal.

“And…that’s why I sucked up to Bill. He didn’t love me. He put up with me. He liked me…sorta. And he expected nothing. I didn’t have to open up to him. So, I’d get a little affection with no heart. It was perfect.”

“Until…”

“Well, yeah…until I got my head back and realized NO one is worth that kind of shit. But, Nick…this is why I tend to cling to the assholes. They want nothing from me. It’s horribly selfish, but I can get what I need and not have to divulge too much of myself.”

“So, why us now? Why did you give it a try?”

“I have no idea, and I’m regretting it.”

“What!? I thought…Ciara, please don’t say that.”

“I am, Nick…because…you’re too close. I can’t…”

“…You can’t what!?”

“Hang on…we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let me pick up where I left off, okay?”

“Okay….” Regret was the last thing he expected to hear from her. That one hurt. But he’d listen. Maybe it’d make sense…eventually.

“So, I get with Bill, and we’re gonna get married. I head to the doc to get some references for Tennessee docs and he asks me if I’ve considered getting my tubes tied.”

“What!?”

“Yeah. So we talk about it and um…I did. We looked at my whole health record and realized there was just no safe way for me ever to carry a child to term and if I did, the handicaps and disabilities this kid would have would be horrific. The damage to my kidney’s would be irreparable and…it just wasn’t worth the risk.”

“You had your tubes tied…”

“Yeah…I did, Nick.”

Nick turned back to the position in which they’d started, facing the bay, leaning back on his elbows. He had to let this one sink in. “Which is why you never worried if I didn’t use a condom….”

“Yep…I mean, STD’s always ran through my head, but I figured I was tested all the time with work, anyone else I was with used ‘em and I just…”

“Yeah, I always did with everyone else too…”

“…good to know.”

They both fell silent for a time, her letting him come to the full realization of what this quick confession meant. Him, chewing on it…wondering if it really made any difference at all. At first glance, it truly didn’t. Who cared?

“So, uh…I’m not trying to state the obvious here, but that means you’ll never be able to have kids, huh?”

“Yep. And…I sorta let that go for awhile. I was enjoying us being together again. No other relationships. Just you and me. We’ve never had that and Nick…” Afraid he’d hear another admission of her regret, he tentatively looked up to her.

“Yeah?”

“You’ve made me so happy. So…full…I never imagined it could be this way.”

“Then why do you say you regret it? I’ve never felt like this before either…”

“Well, my health took another interesting turn and it kind of brought the reality of my life…of our life…of a future with us…into a new light.”

“How’s that?”

She laid down next to him, rolling over on her stomach and snuggling up as close as she could be without being on top of him. Hiking up on her elbows, she leaned over on his chest. This is where she wanted to live out her days. With him. But it wasn’t fair to him.

He had so much to offer someone…and she couldn’t…it just was not meant to be. Lifting her head, she took a deep breath and continued.

“Well, I found a new ob/gyn since the last one was such an insensitive ass.”

“This is good. I can’t believe he let you hear the baby’s heartbeat and then told you…”

“Yeah, I know…it was awful. Anyway, I go semi-regularly to see him…I suck at unnecessary doctor appointments.”

“Well, yeah…you go to so damned many anyway.”

“Exactly…but I’d do this one now and again, and one day, about two years ago or so ago, they found atypical cells on my cervix.”

“Atypical?”

“Yep…just abnormal. Sometimes pre-cancerous, sometimes just funky, sometimes nothing at all.”

“You don’t do anything by the book, do you?” He looked over to her and smiled…the first smile since this conversation started. It felt good.

“Nope. I like to keep ‘em guessing.”

“You like to keep me guessing too…normally I like that.”

“I’ve not been fair on this one though…so, let me keep going.”

“Okay…keep going.”

“So, atypical cells and I’d go a little more often and get ‘em re-tested. Kept getting the same thing. After a few months, they changed from atypical to pre-cancerous.”

“Oh shit…”

“Yep…oh shit is right. But frankly, I didn’t care. You know? Give me AIDS, give me cancer…give me something that will finally put me out of my misery instead of these damned chronic things that only make me miserable.”

“Ciara…you don’t wish for cancer.”

“Maybe YOU don’t, Nick…but I truly did. And if you had given me AIDS from all of your little groupie sessions, I wouldn’t have cared either.”

“Nice…”

“Sorry…but that’s where I am. So, pre-cancerous for a few months and it never changes.

I’m sick to death of these quarterly pap smears and talk to the doc. He suggests just going ahead and taking my cervix out.”

“Woah…don’t you…I mean, isn’t that kind of necessary?”

“Not if I’m not going to have any kids, no.”

“Oh…”

“So, it came time for the surgery…which was Grammy time. I had it done while you were in LA.”

“Ohhhhhhh…..”

“So that’s why I pushed you away physically. Stupid nurse Cici didn’t realize she couldn’t have sex for 2 weeks after the procedure. So, I lied hoping to keep you at bay for awhile.”

“It worked.”

“Yeah…not like I planned though.”

“No, probably not. Why didn’t you just tell me then?”

“Because I’d have had to have told you about the baby thing and…”

“…and?”

“…and I was afraid you’d leave.”

“Why the hell would I leave?”

“Because, Nick….” She sat up and pulled him up to join her, touching his face, seeing that little boy creep back into his eyes. That sweet boy from the nursing home that was so full of trust, so ready to love, so willing to give…and it broke her heart. “…because I can’t give you the life you deserve. You deserve a wife who can be the mother of your kids…a whole houseful of them. And you deserve a woman who you can grow old with…and be a grandpa with.”

“I deserve you, Ciara.”

“No, you don’t. You deserve so much more. You’re young. You’re only thinking of right now. Kids aren’t in your plans in the next week, so it seems okay to you…”

“You don’t think I’m capable of looking past this week?”

“Well…yes…no…I dunno…I just know how far ahead I thought when I was 22.”

“I’m not you, Ci. I have to look at the future all the time. I don’t have a life-time career laid out for me like you do. Every penny I make has to be divided up right so I’ll have money when Backstreet’s just a blip on the pop charts. I have to make career choices that will help me 20…30 years from now…I can look past today.”

“But those aren’t matters of your heart.”

“To hell they’re not. My heart has been my work. You, of all people should know that.” He had her there. It was true. But this? There was no way he could see clearly. He was clouded with his feelings for her now. “Now” and “then” were so far apart from one another there was no way he could see it all clearly.

“Nick, I know you’re too young to be thinking marriage, but I also know where this relationship has been headed. And after hearing what you said earlier tonight…about how you’ve thought about all sorts of things with work and the drug thing and me pushing you away…how you want me in your life forever…”

“I do, Ciara…”

“You don’t…you have no idea what that will mean for you.”

“It means that no matter what happens we’ll be together, and Ciara…” She couldn’t look at him…she just couldn’t do this.

“…the best times in my life have been with you. Why would any of what you just told me change that?”

“Because you just haven’t let it all soak in yet. And it’s not just the kids deal…”

“What else is it, then? Tell me everything.”

She looked up to him, sadness filling her heart. There was no way he’d thought this through. Any guy his age would have run already had he thought this through. So, after this little tidbit, she knew. He’d run. He may physically walk. He may say, ‘I’ll need to think,’ but ultimately, this statement would break it all. And it almost made her physically ill at the thought. Life without Nick was not a life she cared to look at.

Standing up, she pulled on his hands to have him join her. “Look at my eyes, Nick.”

“That’s easy.” He rested his gaze in her eyes…his favorite place to be.

“You know how lousy my eye sight is right now? No peripheral vision, horrid night vision, a contact prescription pushing every limit so I don’t have to wear glasses…”

“Yep.”

“This…like they are now…is the best they’ll ever be. They’ll never be better.”

“Okay…”

“Touch my shoulders.” He placed his hands on her shoulders, instinctively massaging them, running his hands up and down her arms. “The pain I wake with every day in them…the pain I woke up with today? The pain I’ll wake up with tomorrow? The best they’ll ever feel. Never better.”

His heart began to race as the realization of where she was headed started to sink in.

“Look at my hands.”

He scooped up her hands, bringing her fingers to his lips and then looked down at them.

Very old looking. Dry. Cracked. Arthritic. She’d told him before it was the Lupus that did that. Reminded him of his grandmother’s hands. “See how old they look? You know how much pain they’re in every day…even now…even when you kiss them so tenderly?”

“Yeah…”

“This is the best it’s going to get.” She took his hand to touch the area around each body part as she spoke of it.

“My thyroid is as stable as it’s ever going to be. My kidneys are the best they’ll ever be.

One day, they’ll quit working and I’ll need to be on dialysis. It’s an awful plight, but it’s mine.”

Looking down at her bare toes in the sand, she wiggled them. “My feet hurt now and they’ll never feel good again. Never. Neuropathy. Degenerative. I might even lose toes, or…a leg.”

Bringing his hands around from behind her, she could see the fear creeping into his eyes.

“My hips, my knees…the best they’ll ever be. I’ll always have symptoms of the myasthenia, I’ll always have bouts when the Lupus flares up, I’ll always have insulin reactions and high blood sugar spells. Until the day I die, this is as good as it gets. And Nick, the day I die will be sooner than…well, I’ll never have to ‘grow old’ anyway. If I’m lucky, and I mean really lucky, we’re looking at maybe… maybe another 35 years. And that’s being optimistic.”

“I know that…”

“No, I don’t think you do. I think that somewhere in your mind you believe, like I did for so many years, that one day we’ll wake up and the sun will shine in on our bed and all of this will just go away. I’ll get pregnant that morning, we’ll have a houseful of kids and we’ll ride off into the sunset together. But, Nick…that can never happen with me.”

“Then we’ll make a different sunset to ride off into.” Bless him. He was trying so hard. He just didn’t want to see. And it was wonderful and refreshing to think that someone loved her enough to be blind to the truth. Most men would see only a brief glimpse of the truth and they’d run. He had the whole thing in front of him and couldn’t care less. At least now he didn’t. Some day he would. She was convinced.

“I just can’t waste your time like this, Nick.”

“You are not wasting my time, Ciara…” He pulled away and started to walk toward the surf. Spinning around on his heels, facing her again, he shouted…not sure who he was angry at, but suddenly incredibly furious. “Goddammit, Ci. I can fucking think for myself. I’m NOT the idiot everyone thinks I am.”

“I never said you were an idiot, Nick…you know I’ve always…”

“Then don’t…” He was shouting at her and he’d never shouted at her before. Raised his voice, had a bicker, but never shouted. And he wasn’t shouting at her as much as shouting as his racing mind, his racing heart, the feeling that everything he knew to be true and good and right with the world was suddenly completely wrong. So, he couldn’t calm…he had to shout. “Just don’t fucking think for me. Let me…just let me process all of this, okay?”

“Absolutely.” She remained calm. This is exactly what she expected…only sooner, to be sure. But she knew…she knew he’d react this way.

He couldn’t even talk, no less think. Running a hand through his hair, he looked to her helplessly, wanting to just erase it all. Make it all right and perfect…just as it should be.

“I just need…I…”

“Do you want me to go home?”

“Yeah…yeah…let me…do you mind?”

“Nope. I kind of expected it. Should I call a cab?”

“No…no…God, no. I’ll take you. I just…I can’t stay. Not tonight.”

“It’s okay, Nick. Just take me home.”

He walked back to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and took her back to his house, back to his truck, and finally, back to her home. With an almost platonic kiss goodnight, she went inside, knowing that from this moment on, nothing would be the same again.

***~

A week had passed and she hadn’t seen Nick since their evening on the beach. She’d heard from him once. He sounded…odd. He’d gone down to Marathon. Took off on his boat, finally spent some time with his mom and worked out that mess from their previous visit. He was thinking, processing, making decisions about his career, his heart, his life. Ciara was not going to interfere. Because, deep in her heart, she knew where it would all end up. Just like it was now.

With her alone.

Grateful for a long stretch at work looking her dead in the eye, she took her last night of rest for herself. She cut up a bowl of fruit, grabbed a water bottle and went to bed. As she sat down on the edge of the mattress, she turned back to “Nick’s side” and sighed. It was cold and empty over there. The whole bed was cold and empty. Patting the spot where his blonde hair would play against the dark green sham, she mentally said good-bye. It was time to start doing what she knew she’d have to do eventually.

Looking ahead and letting him go.

Chapter Sixty Five

Ciara knew her decision was the right one, but she couldn’t believe how much it hurt.

She’d let him go. He’d finally made the break from Mandy and the beginning of promotions for their album were in full swing. When he was home, their time together was incredible, intense, passionate, full of…

…love.

And it scared Ciara to death. So, knowing he’d need to spend the next year completely wrapped up in his career, she pushed him out. Made him agree not to call her unless it was critical. He was pushing for a relationship she couldn’t give and it killed her. She wanted to give it to him, but knew, without any doubt that this was not the time. Their time would probably never come.

“Go, go do your tour, promote this album. Go be a star. You have to do this one alone, Nick.”

“I don’t want to do it alone, Ci…I want you with me. Somehow, someway, I need you with me.”

“You can’t need me anymore, Nick. You have to do this alone.” So, he agreed and left. He hurt, but he left. And now, it was the day they boarded the plane in Stockholm for an amazing adventure. A 100 Hour World Tour. They’d fly completely around the world in 100 hours, stopping off at various spots to promote, to visit, to say thanks. She felt like her heart was going to rip in two.

Picking up the package that had appeared on her porch while she’d slept off a long stretch at work, she tentatively opened it. She knew what it was. Their new album. With his letter. She wasn’t sure she could deal with it, but knew she had to.

Skipping his hand-written note, she peeled back the cellophane wrapper and argued with the tape atop the case. “You think once you sleep with a Backstreet Boy you wouldn’t have to break a nail getting into their damned CD’s.” Black and Blue. Yeah…that described it, didn’t it? Beat up, knocked around, through hell and back…but it was the “and back” that made her smile. They’d probably never see the success they had the previous year, but yet…their time was nowhere near up. She was so proud of him…of all five of them. Opening the case, she smiled as she leafed through the pictures, read the thank you’s, went back to Nick’s page and “pet” his face. So beautiful.

Finally ready to take the plunge into his letter, she put the CD into her stereo and curled up on her couch feeling like he was sitting there with her…wishing he really was.

Ciara;

Well, here we are. Time for Ciara’s companion to Black and Blue. I had this written up once, but since…yeah…since our last talk, I guess I need to look at this a little differently. I’m not as happy with this CD as I was with Millennium. None of us are.

Hate that. But, in the timeframe we were given, it’s the best we’ve got. So, without further rambling…Black and Blue.

The Call: I had a helluva time not laughing through this one when I thought of you.

Just know I’m glad you were the one I was calling about and if someday we should ever make it work between us…I’ll never make the call again. This will make a kick ass video if we do release it as a single.

Somehow she’d never considered herself the ‘other woman’ but damn, if that wasn’t the truth. It was somewhat comical. Somewhat. Cool song. Awesome vocal break. Wow!

Shape of My Heart: Wow…the lyrics hit more now than they did before. We’ve both been playin’ games, Ci. Someday…

She knew this one and had already thought that truth through. Frankly, it was partly what motivated her to tell him to go on…move along. She couldn’t play these games with him any longer. He deserved so much more.

Get Another Boyfriend: Yeah…do that. Get another one, huh? I have someone in mind.

Ha. Twit. Another fun song. Why weren’t they proud of this? They’ve come a long way from “Boys Will Be Boys”.

Shining Star: Oh yeah…this is another one that I couldn’t sing, rehearse, learn, anything without seeing you all the time. All the time. Every time I sing it, Ci…

Stop it, dammit. How did she let herself get so emotionally wrapped up in him? When did her guard fall? Why couldn’t she protect herself? And damn him for sounding so sexy in this thing! Good God.

I Promise You: Uh…cheesy ass song. Not my favorite. Supposed to be ‘the new wedding song.’ Personally, it ain’t gonna be. Too sappy for me, but you know Brian. He looooves it.

How the hell did they sing this without cracking up? Cheesy was an understatement.

And yeah, she could just hear Brian going on and on about this stupid thing. Okay, she was beginning to see why they weren’t real happy. Song five was a dud.

The Answer to Our Life: Okay, so now I’m proud. I wrote the lyrics, we all wrote the music. Environmental stuff in mind, but in many ways, it was also a song about you and me. Not gonna take anymore crap, not gonna let anything get in our way…maybe another time, huh?

They did it. Full writing credits. Awesome. But…wow. The lyrics did have an interesting dual meaning. And Nick had penned them. She was crying already. Dammit.

Everyone: Fan anthem. Blah. Blah. Love ‘em, but…we didn’t need another one. It’ll make an awesome opener though.

Yep. Nice. Fun. Just like Larger than Life. Get another writer!

More Than That: I’ve thought words similar to these so many times, Cici it’s not even funny. My favorite song on here musically, lyrically…this one’s for you, baby.

Where were her Kleenex? Beautiful song. And she knew he meant it. She wanted him back. And it wasn’t going to happen.

Time: Another one by us! Yay! Brian did most of these lyrics, but we all pitched in. You see where you fit into this one…so many years, Ci. So many. This is a product from the Bahamas. Should have worked in “Bose”…hmm…what rhymes with Bose?

Dick. She’d never live that one down, would she? Although this one was cheesy, she liked it. Nice ending, too…go Bri!

Not for Me: This was supposed to be a collab with Michael Jackson. But as usual, it was denied. I hate business. Anyway, the song’s not for you, either. You know who I was thinkin’ of with this one.

Yep. And Mandy hadn’t heard either. Poor man finally had to get a restraining order against her so she’d stay away from his house. Insanity. Cool song, though.

Yes, I Will: Uh…AJ…yeah…he’s a bit…Ciara, can I confess? I HATE this song. There. I said it. Moving on.

Well, hell…she didn’t need him telling her that! Yuck. God love AJ. And God love Nick…he put his heart into it anyway.

It’s True: Anybody for a whopper?

Okay, she was getting why they weren’t as proud of this. It wasn’t bad, but it was not their best. And she was sick of this song already anyway, thanks to Ninja Nick and his friends at Burger King. Ciara made a mental note to get the extra Ninja men to her nephew and waited out the song to get to #13.

What Makes You Different: Cheesy Howard again, but Ciara…yep. Another one totally for you. My favorite line is the little under chorus, “Everything in you is beautiful; love in you shines right through me.”

Not everything is beautiful, Nick. Not everything…

How Did I Fall in Love With You: I’m not going to say anything here. I had a whole thing written out, but…just listen to the song.

The title alone just about killed her. And by the time Brian was done with his first solo, she couldn’t even hear anymore, causing her to have to play it through three times…thank God Nick didn’t have any leads in this or she’d have been on the first plane to Japan to meet them there.

…and know that I’ll miss you so much. I’m going to try to keep in touch a little. There’s no way I can just cut it off completely, Ci. No way. But, I’ll respect your wishes and focus on tour.

I miss you already,

Nick

Nothing. She had nothing left again. He’d drained every ounce of energy from her and she didn’t have any way to tell him. To thank him, to wish him well. He was gone.

***

Television and the internet kept Ciara connected. That and the loony fandom of Deanna.

She’d gone off the deep end, Ciara was convinced. Fortunately, she’d also met some other loony fans online and could travel to shows and things without her. Ciara decided she’d hit a Tampa show should they come that way, but for the first leg, it wasn’t happening.

So, she’d keep an eye on things through Deanna’s ramblings and her previous online connections. It was entertaining to be sure. As the tour progressed, it definitely appeared as though Nick was taking her advice. Enjoying the tour, enjoying single life, enjoying being twenty one. Even looked like he had another girlfriend. Good for him.

And Ciara was trying to move on as well. She and Dennis got a little more serious, with him finally separating from his wife and living, at least part time, in Ciara’s home. He seemed sober most of the time and he didn’t ever want to get married. Besides, he could put the Titanic back together he was such an incredible handy-man. Between that and his awesome cooking, she couldn’t complain.

Until he started drinking again. While waiting for Deanna to come over for a night of Backstreet TV via the Kid’s Choice Awards, Dennis had another conniption, breaking one of her lamps. That was it. She tossed him out, toothbrush and all. She never thought seeing Nick’s face on the TV screen would bring her such comfort.

“Ah…there’re our boys.”

“Yep…lookin’ good. Hey! Where’s AJ!?”

“I dunno, Dee…damn…”

Once Ciara found out, she had a hard time not totally freaking out and calling him on the spot. If he was home, she could reach him. His grandmother was his life and now she was gone. From diabetes no less. Ciara had to talk to him. But with Deanna…time to fake not feeling well.

Once the show was over, Ciara made a few trips to the bathroom setting up her scheme.

Nothing like lying to your best friend. Ugh. Finally, she dropped her plan.

“You okay, Ci?”

“Uh, not really…I think dinner hit wrong and I forgot to take my Reglan. I think I’m gonna go on to bed.”

“Sounds like you need to. I’ll check on you tomorrow.” Ciara wasn’t sure what was worse, lying to Deanna or not knowing this had happened ahead of time. Either way, she couldn’t wait to get on the phone.

“AJ? Baby…it’s Ci.”

“Aw, Cici…you didn’t have to call.”

“Yeah, I did. They needed you tonight. You okay?” She could hear the tinkling of ice in a glass, knowing full well how he was doing.

“She’s gone, Cici…what am I gonna do?”

“Oh, baby…I know. She had a helluva time of it, huh?”

“Yeah, she did. I just feel…I can’t explain it.”

“No need to. I just wanted to call and tell you I love you. Please take care of yourself, huh?”

“Yeah, yeah…I will.”

She could tell he was drunk already. Poor AJ. Seemed to be his favorite way to deal with life. But this? This could send him over the edge. Hopefully the schedule of tour would keep him on track.

Time dragged on and Ciara watched as the boys helped host a special on MTV from the Keyes. Nick was so close, but she wouldn’t call. He didn’t either. He had a home down there now...Mom and Dad had moved back from LA and Nick joined them. Good for him. But, she was hurt he never bothered to tell her. She found out from the internet again. Outside of finally watching Nick in action on stage in Tampa, this would define the whole year. No contact, no interaction, no Nick. Just what she’d asked for.

***

“Ciara…turn on MTV right now.”

“What? Why? You woke me up for MTV!?” Jesus, had Deanna lost her ever-loving mind!?

“Yes, you have to get up for work in 15 anyway…I’m serious. Now.” Ciara groaned as she rolled over, fumbling in her curtain-darkened room for the remote.

Flipping it on and finding the right channel, she gasped. “Holy fuck, Dee…what’s going on!?”

“Just listen. We’ve seen this coming, Ci.”

It was AJ. Ciara had been right. Grandma’s death had pushed him over the edge and the boys had been fighting with him over it since the second leg started. Finally, he’d agreed to rehab. Mid tour. The guys were…despondent? Devastated? Angry? Lost? All of it.

Nick especially. Nicky…dear God, he wouldn’t even talk. Ciara and Deanna sat in their own homes and watched as what felt like an entire world was crumbling before them, only breaking their silence with an occasional, “Oh dear”, or “Look at Nick,” or “Are they going to be okay?”

AJ had spiraled him into a pit of depression and alcoholism, and as Ciara continued to listen to coverage the next few days, she even heard hints of drug usage. Between concern and worry sat fury. How dare he do this to them? While watching an extra MTV

news spot and seeing Nick finally break down on national television, Ciara decided to break her code of silence and email him. She had to let him know she was there. They always said their friendship would never be sacrificed and this was a time to prove it to him.

Nick;

I’ve been watching the news and reading things online and just wanted you to know I’m here. I miss you terribly. Up to this point it looked like all was going so well for you.

Please, this definitely constitutes a crisis. Call me if you need me. If you see AJ, tell him I love him.

Cici

That didn’t even begin to scratch the surface of her feelings. Would this be the end of the group? Would 30 days be enough for AJ? She had so many questions, many of them the same ones that fans were bantering about back and forth online. She remained silent.

Sharing nothing. It was killing her. She wanted to talk to Deanna about it, but especially now, there was no way she could share her connection to the boys. This one she’d have to suffer through alone.

Almost.

Cici;

Thanks so much for writing. I miss you too. Especially now. It’s been rough. He’s been…well, it’s not been good. We tried over break to help, but he just wouldn’t listen.

Anyway, I’m gonna join Aaron on tour this month. Try to keep out of trouble myself.

You know how I don’t always do good that way, Ci.

We’ll be okay. AJ will be okay. This WILL work out…somehow.

I’ll give AJ your message.

Nick

And that was it. It seemed as though he didn’t need her anymore…or didn’t want to need her anymore. Just what she’d thought she’d wanted. Why then, did it hurt so deeply?

***

Thirty days wasn’t quite enough and the boys had to take another major financial blow and postpone more dates. As hard as it was, Ciara kept her distance. Nick’s girl seemed to be gone already and he’d made no effort to call, to come by during the break or anything. He was doing exactly what she’d asked him to do. He was living his life, partying hard, probably loving tons of women in the process and frankly, it hurt like a bitch.

Going out with Deanna to local bars filled her nights off. It was not her style to pick up men like this, but sometimes, loneliness just took over. It wasn’t like she came home with someone new all the time. Just now and again. At least she wasn’t alone. Maybe one of them would be a keeper. Maybe.

Happy to be waking up with no one in her bed, Ciara hopped in the shower to get an early start on her day. Tuesdays were perfect for grocery shopping. She typically felt like she was the only one there, and preferred it that way. Just as she stepped out of the shower, she groaned hearing her phone ringing.

“Yeah, what? I’m just out of the shower.”

“Sorry, Ciara. Have you been watching the news this morning?”

“No, Mom, I’ve been sleeping this morning. And now I’m dripping wet, why?” Ugh. She could be such a pain in the ass.

“Turn on CNN, honey.”

Last time she was asked to turn the TV on it was not a good thing. There was no way to prepare her for what she was about to see.

“Oh sweet Jesus…Mom…what the HELL is going on!?”

“No one knows for sure, baby. But it looks like we’re under attack.”

“No! No! No! Not here! This can’t happen here! Oh my God! Mom!” Ciara reached back to make sure she was near her bed before sinking down onto the mattress, her eyes never leaving the television screen.

September 11, 2001. The day that changed everything…for everybody. After her mom quickly filled her in as to what had been going on the previous 45 minutes, Ciara hung up, wrapped a towel around her and just watched. She had no idea how long she sat there naked and in a towel. She watched the towers fall, watched the pentagon burn, watched the ground swallow up an airplane in Pennsylvania, watched typically staid newsmen and women lose their composure as the totality of loss began to sink in. The day was lost and she didn’t care. She called Deanna to make sure she was aware and declined her invitation to come over. No, she just wanted to be home. Safe. Secure.

Scared.

Somewhere in the midst of it all, it occurred to her that two of the planes left from Boston and the boys had been there performing that previous night. Hopping online to double check her memory, it was confirmed. Panic set in and not knowing what else to do, where else to call, she dug through her emails to find a lone note from her sweet little boy. Aaron. He knew Nick had been pulling back and it killed him. So, now and again, he’d email Ciara, chat it up, fill her in, let her know that Nick missed her. It was a sweet thing, but now, it was going to be her saving grace for the day. Taking a deep breath, afraid of what she may find out, she made the first phone call to Marathon Florida.

“BJ! BJ! Thank God, someone’s home. It’s Ciara.”

“Hey, girl! How are…why are you calling here?”

“Nick…is he okay? Where is he? I’ve been watching the...and…is he okay? Did he make it to Toronto?”

“Oh, yeah…he’s good. He’s across the border already. Made it before everything even happened. He’s totally freaked though. Just like everyone else.”

“Well, yeah. Are they all over there?”

“I don’t think Kevin and Brian have made it yet. They’re stuck at the border, but so far we think everyone’s okay.”

“Oh good…my God. Wait. What about Aaron? Wasn’t he supposed to be in New York?”

“He was, Ci…he saw everything.”

“Oh no way…is he okay? Oh…poor Aaron.”

“He’ll be okay. He and mom high tailed it out of there. They’re driving home in a rental as we speak.”

“Wow…everyone else home?”

“Yep, we’re all here. Scared. Freaked, but we’re good.”

“You said you talked to Nick? Is he okay? I mean in general.” How she wanted to call him. But no. She wouldn’t. If he needed her, he’d call. She had to give him his freedom now.

“Yeah…I think so anyway. He’s enjoying being 21, that’s for sure.”

“Well, good he should be.”

“Yeah…”

She heard the concern in her voice, but really didn’t want to get into it…didn’t want to hear it right now. She just wanted to know Nick was safe. And he was. As was Aaron.

And right now, after all she had just seen, safety was all that concerned her…almost.

Chapter Sixty Six

As hard as Ciara tried to move along and not worry, she couldn’t do it. Knowing that Nick was home with his family helped to some degree, but she also knew what grief they could cause him. How would he choose to handle it? Would he stay clean? Would he just hermit himself? Would he have a clear mind to make the decisions he needed to make with his career? It was obvious things hadn’t settled with his last trip to LA and the internet rumor mill was flying high.

Infighting, Nick’s solo career taking precedence over Backstreet. The boys had dropped their PR team and their management team, yet Nick retained management. It had caused bitterness. Now, he’d been recording and working and really didn’t know what was going to happen. Would they stay a group and the solo stuff would be a side project or would they have to bust up the whole thing? And now that she had confirmation on how Nick handled uncertainty, she was scared for him. But, she wouldn’t call. Wouldn’t chase. He said he needed time. So, that’s what she’d give him. Trust and time.

But she sucked at waiting. Sucked at it worse while alone. Finally about to jump out of her skin, she called Dee over for a girls drinking, eating, movie watching and heart to heart night.

“Okay, girlie…what’s up?” Deanna poured the last shot of tequila in the blender and turned it on.

“I told him everything.”

“Good for you! It’s about time. But…”

“…you see anyone else here? He’s gone.” Ciara kicked her stool out of the closet, pushing it to the cabinet where she stored her margarita glasses. Hearing the blender turn off, she turned back to her friend, arms still stretched in the air. “Gone, Dee. Just like I suspected.”

“I never thought…you mean he said ‘good-bye’ and everything? Just because…I’m disappointed. That’s not the Nick I thought he was.”

“Well, no…” Hopping off her stool, she brought the glasses over to her friend. “Fill ‘er up, girl.”

“No what?”

“No, he didn’t say ‘good-bye’. He said he needed to think.”

“How long has he been thinking? Salt?”

“Nope. Just pour it.”

Deanna did as asked and Ciara took a taste. “Damn woman, you know how to mix ‘em.”

“Well, hell…you keep buying that good Tequila.”

“Nick bought it, but yeah…doesn’t hurt. Grab the pizza and bring it in the room. I’ll get the plates and stuff.”

They made their way into the living room and spread out on the floor. Chick night was always a good thing. Even if you weren’t grieving over a man.

“Okay, so you tell him…how did he seem…what did you say?”

“I just kind of gave it to him straight you know? He came back from this last LA trip all romantic and lovey. We were out back and next thing I know he’s talking in terms of forever. Not marriage, not yet, but down the road. I just couldn’t let him go any further with it.”

“Well, it’s about time. I still don’t see why a future with him is so out of the question, but he did need to know what all that entails with you.”

“Yeah, so now he does.”

“Did he just bolt, or what?”

“Well, at first he was good. When I told him about the baby…he was…he was great. I wish he hadn’t been so young because I know he’d have been someone wonderful to have around through all of that.”

“Yeah, I can imagine he would have been. I’m so sorry we hadn’t met yet either. That still kills me how you were treated.”

“Eh, you survive, you know? Lots of therapy, a little Prozac and it all worked out.” Deanna had to laugh. She wasn’t sure why because really, nothing was funny at all. But Ciara’s lax attitude about the crappy lot her life was in just hit her as downright comical.

She’d have lost her mind years ago had she have had to go through half of what Ciara did.

“It is kinda funny, isn’t it? I swear. I must have done something really whack before I was born to get this kind of punishment.”

“I don’t think it works that way, Ciara. And he’s not gone. He’s thinking, right?”

“Right. I guess. He took the news of the abortion okay and really, he even seemed great with the idea that I couldn’t have kids. He snapped when it hit him that I was trying to think for him. I was making decisions for us without him. I’d made it up in my head we couldn’t do it and that pissed him off.”

“I’m sayin’ nuttin’.”

“Yeah, you do that. I knew you were right, but it was just a matter of him leaving then or now, Dee. Because as his anger flared at my not telling him, the reality of it all started to sink in. I told him what my future held physically. It’s not pretty, Dee. Why the hell would anyone volunteer to be a part of that?”

“Because they love you?”

“Love isn’t enough sometimes.”

“I don’t believe that and I don’t think you do either.”

“Well, I do. My parents supposedly love me and look how useless they’ve been throughout all of this. Constantly trying to make it all go away by suffocating me. I don’t think so. If parents can’t even love you through it and they’re supposed to, how the hell can someone volunteer for the job?”

“You don’t volunteer to love someone, Ci. You just do. And I’m sorry, but he loves you.” She had to think on that. Because the truth was, she couldn’t deny it. He did. And she loved him. If she had one regret at this point, only one instead of the millions she had, it would be that she’d never told him…or ever heard him say it to her. She felt it. She’d felt it for their almost eleven years together, but never once had they uttered the words to each other.

“I love him, too, Dee.”

“Nice to hear you finally admit it.”

“Yeah, too late as usual.”

“Oh, would you STOP it! He’s thinking…has he called since he took off?”

“Once.”

“How’d he sound?”

“Odd.”

“You’re odd.”

“Fuck you.”

“I’d rather not. You know what you need?”

“Nick.”

“Yes, you need Nick…but since he’s not here, you know what you need?”

“What, Miss Cleo?”

“You need a night out. Let’s clean up the pizza, raid your closet, doll ourselves up and hit that bar where you saw him last October. I think Chris is playing again anyway. Let’s just go be girls, huh?”

“You think?”

“I know…come on, Pouty Puss. We’re gonna get your mind off of this mess.” Authors note: If you haven’t already, now might be a good time to take a break from this, and quickly read CMWD - the short. It’s not necessary, but might help you bring it all together.

Chapter Sixty Seven

“I don’t WANT to get my mind off of things, Erika. I just want to rest.”

“Well, we’re goin’ out. Come on, Nicky. You know you wanna.” So he went. He’d been out with her once, maybe twice. Mostly with other friends. She was um…intriguing to say the least. Silicon filled, make-up enhanced, and strip it all away? She was boring as hell. But, she was companionship and that had been all Nick had been after this past year. A companion. Even if it was for a night. He hated being alone. It started as a way to forget about Ciara, but then…well, then it almost became habitual. Women were easy to come by, so he was rarely alone. But, after a year of it, he was tired of it all. Tour had been hell and now he was finally home. He wanted to settle down, get a grip on things and rest up to start it all again. Erika had other thoughts in mind and he was too tired to fight. So, here he was driving this bimbo to a local pub, wasting another evening. Maybe the band would be good anyway.

They made their way inside through the back. He didn’t think anyone here would know him, but he liked to be prepared, especially fresh off of tour. Seemed every fan’s radar was in full force. He was NOT in the mood to be a Backstreet Boy tonight.

Ordering a Corona, he took his seat and made the best of it, playing nice to the locals, listening to Erika when she spoke and just drinking in the atmosphere. These small bars were nice. No one knew him and if they did, no one cared. Maybe Erika’s idea hadn’t been half bad.

When the band returned to the stage for their second set, his eye landed on something wonderfully familiar. Long auburn curls moved seductively against a bare, slightly freckled back. As he continued to watch the woman from behind, he knew. No wonder the atmosphere was so wonderful in here.

Ciara.

He willed his feet to stay put and just watch as she moved to the music, flirted with the band and drank her beer. Fortunately, Erika had found a new play mate for the time being and he was free to be alone with this thoughts, his fantasies, and the possibility of those being fulfilled. Suddenly, Ciara turned back, almost as though she felt his eyes on her.

Their eyes locked and he quit breathing. Was it possible that she had become more beautiful in the past year? No way. He’d been such a fool to walk away completely. He should have fought harder. But now, maybe he had another chance.

Before one more thought could process in his head, she turned away, moving and grooving to the music, acting as though she’d never seen him. But he knew. Her moves were more seductive, her demeanor was definitely of a woman putting on a show.

Standing from his seat at the table, he moved to lean against a back bar and watch. He wanted to see her completely, watch her body shift in her chair, see if he could peek at her face and drink in everything she was doing. It was for him. He knew it.

What a nice view it was. He pretended to be watching the band, keeping his gaze just over her, but when he looked to her again, he couldn’t stop. She was no longer dancing in her chair but approaching the bar. Knowing Ciara, she was up to something. But what? He had to chuckle at his exhausted mind as lyrics to one of their songs popped into his head.

Don’t pretend you’re sorry.

I know you’re not.

You know you’ve go the power

To make me weak inside.

He watched breathlessly as she made her way from the bar over to him. She was coming over. She was beautiful. Looking confident, almost cocky, she carried two shots in one hand and two plates of limes and salt in the other. Oh yeah, she knew exactly what she was doing. Making him crazy.

He continued to watch the band and act like he hadn’t seen her. He was sure he was failing miserably, but he had to try to be cool here. Finally, when he felt her almost at his side, he turned to look and his eyes lit up realizing he was finally standing in front of his dream…his girl. His Cici.

“Cici!!!!!!!!!”

“Nicky!”

She put the shots on the bar and they quickly wrapped their arms around one another.

But, before he knew it everything around them seemed to stop. He was taken with the peace and comfort felt in her embrace, realizing how much…just how much he’d truly missed her. Running a hand through her hair, he sighed, “it’s been too long, Ci…how are you? You okay?” He pulled her back and took her face in his hands. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too, baby. You resting up good?” She kept her arms wrapped around his neck as they talked, and he spread his legs a bit to make it easier on her…make himself shorter. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her, couldn’t believe he’d seen her tonight.

“Yeah, just being home is rest enough. It’s been too long. I’m sorry…” He tentatively reached up to touch her face, afraid that if he touched her, she’d disappear into thin air.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m just so glad to see you. You look wonderful.”

“Not looking so bad yourself. “ Nick mindlessly looked up to find his date, seeing her practically lap dancing on one of the patrons. God. His glance didn’t go unnoticed. Cici’s hold on Nick grew tighter.

“So, Baby…who’s the hootch tonight?” She looked him in the eye as she brought her body in closer, making him shift his stance and take a tighter hold of her hips where his hands had never left. She knew just how to drive him crazy.

Shaking his head and trying desperately not to get lost in the longing in her eyes, he finally tried to pull away. This might be dangerous tonight. He was too tired to think clearly. He’d missed her so much, but it had been a year. Should they really just pick up where they left off? Not able to pull away from her gaze, he knew. Yes, they should. He had to try.

And girl you leave me breathless,

But it’s okay

Cuz you are my survival

“Why do you always do this to me, Ci?”

Not letting go, she simply smiled. “Because I like to see you squirm, Nick.” She raised up on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. “I brought a couple of drinks…old times’ sake?” She finally let go of his neck and reached around to grab the shot glasses.

Every time I breathe I take you in

And my heart beats again.

Baby, I can’t help it, you keep me drowning in your love.

Without another word, Nick took the glass from her, smirked at her idea and leaned into her neck. God, she smelled good. Before taking a lick, he just paused breathing in her perfume, her smell…and the memories it brought back. Finally, he took a quick lick, reached around for some salt and a lime, added salt to the wet spot and licked again, slower this time, wanting to taste her, silently moaning as it all came flooding back to him. She smiled up at him, offering him the shot and a wedge of lime. As he leaned in to take it from her teeth, he kept his eyes in hers as long as physically possible. Damn. So green. So open. So deep.

They reversed the process laughing at how she had to get on her tiptoes to even reach his neck. Lick. Salt. Lick. Memories. Damn. He offered the shot, knelt down to her level for the lime and wondered himself if he could stand upright after taking in the lust in her eyes. They were friends. Fuck buddies. Why did it feel different all of a sudden?

Could it be that this is where his dreams were going to land tonight? No. Couldn’t happen. She’d said so a year ago. It couldn’t be any different now could it?

Every time I try to rise above

I’m swept away by love

Baby, I can’t help it, you keep me drowning in your love.

Before he could react, she tossed the lime in a nearby ashtray, offered a quick kiss and started to walk away. “It’s been real, Carter. Nice seeing you again!” As she turned toward the back door, she quickened her pace.

Maybe I’m a drifter. Maybe not.

Cuz I have known the safety

Of floating freely in your arms.

No. No way was she walking out of his life again. Absolutely not. He looked up again for Erika and smiled, seeing her giving some toothless dude a tongue bath. Perfect. More her style anyway. Why the hell had he wasted an entire year on bimbos like this? What a moron. Nope, this was too perfect. He couldn’t let it go.

And I don’t need another lifeline.

It’s not for me.

Cuz only you can save me,

Oh, can’t you see?

Just as he saw her reach the door, and damn it was a good thing that hallway was so long, he caught up to her and grabbed her arm, whipping her around. Before she could focus, he covered her mouth in a searing kiss. Hard, passionate, and yes…familiar. Ciara.

He smiled against her as she gave into his advance with a moan. He had her.

Go on pull me under

Cover me with dreams, yeah

Pulling back, he bore his eyes into hers, wanting to make full impact. “How about I make you squirm?”

Love me mouth to mouth now

You know I can’t resist.

Before she could answer, he leaned down for another kiss. Less forceful, more passionate, more wanting. He could tell she wanted to get out of there, but for some reason, she didn’t move. He could not force her into staying, but hoped that she’d hear what he was saying without a word.

Suddenly, without warning, she gently pulled away. No more words were exchanged.

She simply smiled, turned and walked out the door.

Cuz you’re the air that I breathe.

No. No, no, no, no, no. She could NOT leave. What to do, what to do? He watched her go, frantically calculating his next move. Chase? Let her go? No, not an option. He made one more check for Erika, caught her eye and motioned that he was leaving. Like she cared. He quickly ran through the parking lot trying to find his car keeping an eye on the direction she’d taken off in. Hell, if nothing else, she should not be out walking the streets this late.

Finally working his way around the one way streets he found her. Keeping his distance behind her, he tried to decide what to do. He could not just let this opportunity go. But, he also knew you did not push Ciara. She turned back, knowing she was being followed and Nick freaked. He backed into a curb side parking spot and squealed out of it, quickly changing his mind. Maybe he should just call her later or something. He drove around for a few more minutes weighing it all in his head, unable to leave the neighborhood, unsure of what to do.

But then…as the song continued to dance in his head, he knew. He had to go. He had to get her. He had to make it right again.

I can’t imagine life without your love

And even forever don’t seem like long enough.

Chapter Sixty Eight

As he drove through the streets of Tampa, Nick’s mind was filled with the memory of the day before. Thank God for Deanna and her brilliant ideas. He was on his way to complete Dee’s thought process.

He had been in Marathon for well over a week, thinking, mulling, planning and honestly? Pouting. Fortunately, his mom didn’t take kindly to pouting, which is one reason he’d headed home. Aaron was done with his tour and he could go be normal with him for awhile and Mom would keep him grounded. As grounded as Jane was capable of anyway. He also had to talk to her about Ciara. Not just about what had just happened between them, but about his mother’s attitude with the whole thing. He as relieved to find that she’d thought about Ciara’s words to her only weeks ago and had changed her song. That much was worked out anyway.

And then there was the mess with his career. His whole working future lay in the balance right now and here he was nursing a broken, confused heart. As much as he hated to admit it, right now his mom’s drive with that was a good thing. Helped him stay focused on the career, working on his heart only now and again. Thing was, he was realizing that he couldn’t make decisions on one without it affecting the other. It was a good thing to see though. No matter how you try, you can’t compartmentalize life. Every action you take affects the other people in your life.

And now, Deanna’s action of the night before caused a reaction in Nick. It got him off his ass, in the car and driving the many hours back to Tampa. He didn’t care. He could have taken a plane, but the long drive might do him some good. Besides, he was being chased by panic. The sound in her voice haunted him.

“Nick! Thank God, you’re answering.”

He’d just taken off his pants to pull on his swim trunks for an afternoon out on the boat with Aaron, when his pocket rang. “Who is this?” Jesus, more fans. Tossing his pants on the bed, he sat down along side them wondering why he never bothered to change his number.

“I’m sorry to bug you, Nick. It’s Dee. Ciara’s friend.”

“Oh…hi, Dee. Is she okay?” Oh shit.

“Well, yes…and no.”

“No?”

“She’s okay, but she needs you. She just won’t admit it.”

“What the hell else is new?”

“Well, nothing along those lines, but…Nick, she was in a car accident this morning.”

“Oh God…” Grabbing his pants back off the bed, he slid them back on. He knew where he was going today and it was not out on a boat. He was going back to Tampa.

“It’s okay. I mean, her car’s totaled…seriously, but she’s alright. They just kept her overnight because of all of her other stuff. Wanted to keep an eye on her sugar and all from the stress, and…”

“…and?”

“Well, they think she had an insulin reaction while she was driving.”

“Oh…no, no, no. That’s NOT good.”

“No, it’s not. I don’t know any more details, but Nick? She’s expecting me to pick her up at the pull-around tomorrow at 11.”

“Nope. I’m there.”

Deanna sighed, hoping that’s what he’d choose to do. “Good. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll make a few calls, see if I can get a flight, but I’ll probably just drive it.”

“Be careful…she’ll be expecting me, remember.”

“Right…I’ll be gentle.”

“Good luck.”

“I might need it.”

And he was gone. A quick stop by Mom and Dad’s to explain and he took off. He fought every urge inside him not to stop by the hospital that night, but figured Deanna’s plan was best. Literally trap her. Sounded horrible, but if it worked, it worked.

So, now it was morning and he was almost there. He could barely keep his hands on the steering wheel from all the sweat coming out of them. What if she fought him right there? Maybe she was too weak from the accident it’d be okay? How bad was this anyway? And if it was an insulin reaction that caused it, what did it mean for her future driving? She could be a mess from that alone.

Seeing the sign for the hospital, he had to literally tell himself to breathe. He knew this moment was a make or break one. He had to play it right and had to trust whatever gods were in control of the moment to be working for him and not against him. The way things had been going lately, he wasn’t so sure he could do that.

He wasn’t surprised she didn’t want Dee coming upstairs to help her get ready, anymore than he wasn’t surprised that she didn’t want her family involved. So damned independent. He loved it about her. It exasperated the hell out of him.

The pull-around was full as this was a busy time to release patients. Patiently waiting his turn to approach, he spotted her.

Every time I breathe I take you in

And my heart beats again.

Baby, I can’t help it, you keep me drowning in your love.

She was still in a wheel chair escorted by an aide. Fortunately, she was deeply involved in a book, so he could approach without her knowing. As he brought the car near her, he rolled his window down and got the attention of the aide without Ciara looking up.

Signaling for her to remain quiet, he got out of his car and opened the passenger door.

Finally, he cleared his throat, pulling her attention from her book.

If he’d have had a camera, he would have used it right there. He never wanted to forget the look on her face as she looked up to him. Relief. Shock. Love. Joy. And yes, even a little fear.

“Nick!?”

He said nothing as he walked away from the open door and offered his hand to help her up from the wheel chair. “Get in.”

Remembering how those two simple words had changed their lives only months ago, she couldn’t help but smile. ‘Get in?’ They both knew exactly what that meant now.

She took his hand and stood, grimacing as pain shot through her abdomen, chest and hips. Nothing major, just tender from the seat belt, steering wheel, and her run of the mill daily aches and pains. He wrapped an arm gently around her and helped her into the car, smiling as the aide handed him her bag of belongings. “Take care of her, Nick.”

“Thanks. I plan on it.”

He reached in and buckled up her belt, still not saying a word. There really was nothing to say right now anyway. Words…were just words. It was time for action. As he slid into his seat, he was surprised to see her face buried in her hands. Sobbing. Why was she crying? Should he reach out or just let her work through whatever was wracking her up so?

He chose middle ground and simply rested his hand on her thigh, quietly pulling the car away from the hospital into the main road. She cried a large part of the ride to her home, never speaking, never really acknowledging his presence. It was confounding, but he was relieved he had come. She wasn’t fighting him away. Wasn’t pushing him or telling him to go. This had to be good.

As he pulled into her driveway and jogged up to punch in her code, she finally gathered her wits and helped herself out of the car.

Again, no words were exchanged, but she let him come in, let him help her get her jacket off and finally, finally looked to him.

Every time I try to rise above

I’m swept away by love

Baby, I can’t help it, you keep me drowning in your love.

“You came back.”

“Yep. I came back.” Seeing the large contusion on her head just at the hair line, he tentatively reached up to touch it. “You did it up good this time, Cici.”

“I know…I really did, huh?” Looking back down, she was suddenly embarrassed at the whole thing. Her memory of the accident had been coming back to her in bits and pieces and a witness even stopped by the hospital to check on her. When she heard what really happened, she seriously wondered if she’d ever have the strength to drive again. It was awful.

“You wanna go lay down? I’ll fix you something to eat or drink or whatever.”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

He took her hand and led her upstairs, getting the bed ready as she changed into one of his old t-shirts. “You want the TV on?”

“No…are you gonna come up and sit with me?”

“If that’s what you want, yes.”

“That’s what I want.” She couldn’t explain much right now, but that much was easy. She never wanted to be without him again.

“What do you want to eat?”

“You know what sounds perfect?”

“A peanut butter sandwich?”

“You know me well….”

Without a word, he leaned down to kiss her, sighing inside as his lips touched her cheek, realizing how afraid he had been that he’d never feel her skin again. “Like no one else, Ci.”

“Make it your best one yet, okay?”

“Yep…you need any meds?”

“No, took everything at the hospital. Oh, my insulin pouch. Insulin’s in the frig. Need a bottle with an “N” on it.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back.” One more kiss and he was gone, closing the door behind him.

Ciara sat quietly in the room, brightened by sunlight beaming through her open blinds, wondering what all of this meant. Obviously Dee had taken a gander at her cell numbers before bringing her phone yesterday. There was no other way for him to have known. So, was it guilt that brought him back or did he really want to be here? Right now, she hurt too much to even want the truth. He was here and that was all that mattered.

Hearing the muffled sounds of him working in the kitchen, walking across the floor, talking to the cat warmed her heart, soothed her aching joints and muscles. Just like he had always been for her, he was again proving himself to be a healing salve, a soothing balm. What would she do if this was just a guilt trip? What would she do without him in her life?

“Okay, here we go. Peanut butter sammich, heavy on the pb, found some diet root beer, a couple of slices of cantaloupe, insulin stuff and your mail. Need anything else?”

“You. Just you.”

“I’m right here, Cici…not goin’ anywhere.”

As he helped her get situated, propping her pillows under her, he set the tray over her legs and sat next to her in the bed.

“You gonna eat anything?”

“I munched while I fixed yours. I’m good.”

He watched as she prepared her shot and never took his eyes off of her as she lowered the sheet to her knee, hiked the shirt to her hip and stuck in the needle. He still flinched when she did that. She didn’t, of course, but he had to chuckle as he peeled his eyes back open to see if she was done.

“Which spot hurts worse? Your arm, thigh or stomach?”

“Now, really none of ‘em. All three are pretty calloused. The worst is if I have to prick my earlobe for blood. Hate that.”

“Eew. I don’t think I’ve seen you do that one.”

“Nope. Save that for private moments. I’m a baby when I do it. But, sometimes my fingers just won’t bleed anymore.”

He shook his head in disbelief and leaned over for a kiss, picking up a slice of cantaloupe.

“Eat. You picked some good melon here.”

She reached up for the slice, but he pulled it away, smiling slyly. “I can feed myself, Nick.”

“I know…” He offered it to her anyway, opening his mouth with her as she took a bite.

“Just let me take care of you, okay?”

Go on and pull me under

Cover me with dreams, yeah

Typically, she hated being cared for, but seeing the look in his eyes, the maturity that had crept in there since the last time she saw him, she couldn’t deny him. Couldn’t deny herself. He was here for her and no one else. It amazed her.

After finishing the slice of melon, she started on her sandwich moaning and groaning at each sticky, gooey bite. He knew how to make ‘em. She popped the last bite in his mouth and sat back contentedly to eat the last of the melon. Was there any way she could quit work, continue getting her salary and just spend the rest of her days here in bed with this man? Probably not, but it sure sounded like a great idea.

“Thanks, Nick. That hit the spot.”

Taking the tray from her bed, he set it on the floor and sat on the edge of the bed rubbing her legs. “Good…you want to sleep?”

“No, I need to talk about what happened.”

“Oh, okay. You mean us or the accident?”

“The accident. We’ll cover the other later, okay?”

“Yeah…” Nick leaned back against the headboard, bringing her with him to snuggle into his chest. “…so what happened?”

“That’s what’s buggin’ me, Nick. I have absolutely no memory. I was going to take care of the dogs at this girl’s house from work. She’s on vacation this week…”

“Where does she live? Where’d this happen anyway?”

“Right here in this development, Nick…that’s what’s so strange. I drove because I was going to head to the grocery after. Anyway, I turned down her street and next thing I know, I’ve got a paramedic lookin’ down at me asking me questions.”

“Oh Jesus…you totally blacked out?”

“Totally. I don’t remember a thing.”

“Was anyone else hurt? Any other cars?”

“Nope, just me. I guess a neighbor heard my car racing down the street and came out to see what was up. He saw the whole thing.”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“Yeah, it’s not pretty.”

Nick looked down at her, watching her fingers, which had been slowly tracing around the lettering on his shirt suddenly pick up their pace. She was even nervous thinking about it. “Okay, so hit me. What happened?”

“I guess I hit the accelerator pretty hard and lost control. I hit the curb doing what he guessed was about 50 mph. I flipped, Nick. Airborne. Hit the curb, started flying and the car spiraled two or three times before it landed.”

As she talked, he pushed her up to look her dead in the eye. Now the fear that had been in her eyes ripped through his. To think that she’d gone through that and remembered none of it…he couldn’t bear it. “How’d the car land?”

“Upside down of course. Just like buttered bread.”

“And you remember none of this?”

“Not a thing. Like I said, I turned down Debbie’s street and next thing I know I’m talkin’

to a paramedic.”

“And they think you blacked out because of low blood sugar?”

“They know it. I was at about 4 when they pulled me out of the car. Got the Glucagon in me and that’s when I woke up.”

“So they knew you were a diabetic and all?”

“Well, yeah…” She lifted up her arm reminding him of her bracelet. “I never thought I’d actually need it to save my life, but this time, it did.” Taking hold of her wrist, he gingerly brought it to his lips, kissing the tender flesh of the underside and then kissing the bracelet itself. “I’m so sorry this happened, Cici.”

“Me too. Scares the shit out of me.”

“Were you feeling sick before you left home?”

“Not really. I mean, I was going the right way to her house, so I wasn’t even confused. I started feeling light headed as I turned on her street. I don’t think I’ve ever dropped that fast before.”

“What if this happens again, Ci?”

“I don’t know. It hasn’t in 18 years of this, I guess I can’t worry about it.”

“What about your insurance and stuff…will they pull it now?”

“I don’t think so…I don’t really know. They’re gonna have enough of a fit just replacing my car.”

“Yeah, no kidding. How old is it?”

“Six months. I just got it before you came home from tour.”

“Damn…”

“Hopefully I’ll just get another new one.”

“Yeah…I guess so.”

He sat back again, pulling her in, smiling as she snuggled deeper into the bed and wrapped her arm around his lap. Now she’d sleep. Now she’d rest. And he’d watch her.

And think.

I can’t imagine life without your love

And even forever don’t seem like long enough.

Chapter Sixty Nine

Ciara stirred awake, moaning at the pain that shot through her chest when she hiked herself up, groaning when she saw not a beautiful man laying next to her but a note.

He’d left again. God dammit.

Cici;

Don’t panic. I noticed you were low on some things in the kitchen, so I ran to the store while you slept. I’ll be back soon.

Love, Nick

“Love, Nick. Hmmm…well that’s a first. Hope he grabs some pretzels.” She slowly got out of bed, amazed at how stiff she was from the accident. Felt like she’d been run over by a mack truck, not a sporty Toyota. She pulled out a pair of clean undies and stumbled her way into the shower. Warm water had to help.

And it did. So much so that she lost all track of time and just stood under the water, letting it melt away the pain. So much so that she forgot she wasn’t the only person on the planet.

“Hey! I’m back!”

“Aaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!”

Nick cracked up watching her silhouette run in place, totally spooked, totally naked, totally a riot. “Ci…Ci…calm down…it’s just me!”

“Jesus CHRIST, Nick! Don’t you knock?”

“No…I didn’t think I had to anymore.”

“Ugh!” She wiped her face from the water and slammed the shower door open. “Gimme my towel you intruder.”

He took her towel from the hook and held it open for her, still giggling at her fit of fear.

“You’re pathetic, you know that?”

“Shut up and hold me.”

She stepped into the towel and sighed as his arms wrapped around her bringing the towel along with him. He shimmied up along side the toilet and sat down, bringing her down on his lap. “Better?”

“Much. You scared the shit outta me.” Laying her head on his shoulder, she was surprised. For the first time since the accident, nothing hurt.

“I didn’t notice. You hide your fear very well.”

“Ugh. What am I gonna do with you?”

“Let me love you.”

***

She said nothing as his words sunk in. She wanted to. She really, really wanted to.

But…she just couldn’t risk hurting any more. She had kind of grown fond of being numb.

“How can I do that, Nick? How can I let you?”

“Just let me in, Cici…just let me in. Let me…it’s totally up to you now.” Lifting her up from his lap he stood and dried her off completely, from hair to toes, talking as he worked. “Let me take care of you. Let me see you sick. Let me see you well.

Give me a chance, Cici…that’s all I want.”

“Why does it all rest on me, Nick?”

“Because that’s how you’ve set it up. Don’t you realize…don’t you see?” He dropped the towel to the floor and took her face in his hands, wanting to just reach inside of her and pull out that wall that still seemed to be there.

Again she was rendered speechless. His gaze so intense, his touch so warm and soothing.

He had come back. He wanted to take care of her, to be with her no matter what. This was too good to be true.

“Don’t you see, Ciara? I love you.”

“Nick…” Dammit, she did not want to cry any more.

“I always have. Nothing, absolutely nothing outside of that fact matters anymore.”

“I’ve always known Nick…” She looked down, almost ashamed to admit that she knew but continued to push him away anyway.

“Then why?” Sighing, he picked up the towel and tossed it over her shoulders. “Let’s get some clothes on you…I can’t concentrate.”

She had to laugh at that. Some things never changed. “Shall I put on a few layers?”

“Might not be a bad idea…” He helped her slip her bra on when the pain in her shoulders stopped her progress on her own. “Okay, this is weird…how the hell do you get these things untwisted?”

“Just slide your fingers…yeah, like that.” She hooked the front up and looked at their reflection in the mirror. He looked tired. She looked…beat up. Damned car.

“I like takin’ ‘em off better.”

“I like it when you take ‘em off…”

Turning from their reflection, he started snooping through a pile of clothes.

“Mmm…where’s your shirt?”

“You’re no fun.”

“Oh, I’ll be fun…but not right now, Cici…we’ve wasted too much time bein’ naked and not enough time bein’ honest.”

Ouch. What the hell happened to him these last few weeks? She liked it, although right now it would mean a total change of mindset. She wasn’t sure she was ready for it.

“Good point…that blue one’s clean.”

He pulled out the t-shirt and tossed it to her. “Need help getting it on?” Grimacing she pulled it over her head and neck, smiling shyly as her face peeked through. “Nope…thanks…sweats…over there.”

Tossing her an old shrunken pair of his sweats, she hopped into them and stood still staring at him. “Okay, so now what?”

“So now…we talk.” He took her by the hand and led her downstairs to the couch. “Sit. I’ll be right back.”

What the hell was he up to? Disappearing into the kitchen, she could hear him clamoring around through bags finally “Ah-ha-ing” at finding what he was looking for.

“Okay…close your eyes.”

“Oh for God’s sake, Nick…”

“Close ‘em.”

“Okay, okay, they’re closed…and covered with my hands cuz I know you think I peek.”

“That’s cuz you do.” He was right on top of her, scaring her yet again and making her jump.

“God DAMMIT, Nick!”

“Sorry…k, open.”

Peeling her hand away, she took the box from his hand with a questioning look. “What’s this?”

“Get well present.” He sat down next to her, hoping she’d get the full meaning of this silly gift.

“I’ll never get well, Nick.”

“I know that…stop. I mean from the accident. Will you just open the damned box? God, you’re a pain in my ass today.”

“Did you miss the memo? It’s be a pain in Nick’s ass day.”

“Yep, I’d have stayed in bed…open it up…it’s really not worth all of this build up.”

“Okay, okay…” She finally quit tormenting and popped the folded lid open. Not able to see in the dark box, she reached in, smiling as she found something fuzzy. “Are these new???...” Pulling the gift out of the box, she sighed. “..slippers…with stars on them…”

“Yep…and look, Ci. They’re 8-pointed ones…like in the book.”

“Well, look at that…they are! How cool!”

“I figured maybe it was time to put the mice to rest, huh?”

“Yeah, probably so…a bit childish.”

“So you, but…”

“Yeah…” Looking up to him, she had to smile. She still couldn’t believe he was here, no less…no less everything else. “…time to grow up now.”

“Not too much, I hope.”

“Never with you, Nick…that’s why I lo-…”

She stopped. No, she didn’t want it to come out so casually. His words were still burning in her ears, in her heart. She wanted the first time it crossed her lips to be special.

Memorable…not after receiving fuzzy star slippers. “Thanks, Nick…I love ‘em.”

***

“Okay, so now can I ask you my question?”

“Go for it.” They’d taken a break from potentially deep conversation in favor of eating dinner. It was a good choice. Now they had all night…all the next day…as long as they wanted.

“If you knew how I felt about you…why? Why wouldn’t you trust me enough? Why have you made this so damned complicated?”

“Because…I…I just knew what a life with me meant and I wanted better for you.”

“Shouldn’t that be up to me to decide?”

“You sound like Dee.”

“Dee’s a very smart woman.”

“Mmm…with everyone else, she is, yeah. She sucks at romance.”

“Ah, well…maybe she just hasn’t found the right guy.”

“I’m not sure he exists.”

“Thanks.”

“No, no…I mean…is there really someone out there for everyone? Maybe some of us are supposed to be alone.”

“Is that what you want? Do you want to be alone? I mean, I’m dense sometimes, but damn, I’ll take a fuckin’ hint.”

“No! No! Nick! I do not…” Realizing this is exactly how she’d been acting, she stopped.

“I’ve not given you much else though have I?”

“Lately, no. Do you even want me, Ci? Maybe I’m fighting for something that isn’t mine to begin with.”

Does she want him? Does she WANT him? Oh dear God…yes. That’s why she was so afraid to let him in, to let him love her. Because once he loved her completely, she knew she’d want him for the rest of her life. And it just didn’t seem fair to him.

“Yes. Yes, Nick. I want you. More than…I have never…shit, this isn’t coming out right at all.”

Waiting quietly for her to get her thoughts together, he ran a hand through her damp curls, massaging her shoulder, touching her neck, hoping his touch would help ease her mind enough so she could speak clearly. Finally, when she took a deep breath and met his eyes, he stopped…

“I love you, Nick…and I’ve been so afraid to say it, so afraid to feel it, so afraid…”

“There’s nothing to be afraid of, Cici…love’s not supposed to be scary.”

“Losing love is frightening.”

“Who said we’re gonna lose?”

“Just seems to be a theme in my life.”

“Then let’s start a new one, baby…I love you…you…oh wow…” He sat back and let it sink in. He knew it too, but to hear it come out of her mouth…she loved him. Ciara Watkins loved him! Sick of being quiet, he let out a whoop loud enough to wake the dead.

“What the!? Nick?” He scooped her up in his arms and held onto her for dear life, rubbing her back, burying his nose in her neck.

“You love me!”

“Of course, I do, you goof…you didn’t know that!?”

Pulling her back to look in her eyes he chuckled. “Yeah, I did…why the hell haven’t we ever told each other?”

“Cuz we’re stupid. And scared. And…I have no idea.”

“Listen…you know, you’ve been so afraid of how I’ll deal with a life with you…do YOU

know what it will mean to be with me? I mean, Ci…it’s not all sunshine and roses.”

“I’ve noticed…but, yeah. I think I’ve seen enough of it.”

“No, you really haven’t. I’ve kept you hidden from some things too.”

“I think I can take it.”

“I have no idea if we’re even a group any more, Ci. This solo stuff could very well blow up in my face, the guys…we’re still in the decision-making process about our future. For all I know, Ci, I’m a 22 yr. old has-been.”

“You were an 11 year old brat when I met you. What difference would that make to me?”

“Okay…then why can’t you see that all the specifics of life with you don’t make a shit of difference to me either?”

“Because they’re more important than money.”

“They’re just extras. You have kids, they grow up and then you’re alone again. Without each other, the kids leave and you’ve got nothing…so why can’t you be something without kids?”

“Because you deserve a family, Nick.”

“I DESERVE you! Kids…they’re icing. The cherry on top. Sparkle. Very nice, but not necessary, Ciara. Please don’t shut this off again because you’re so hell bent on me being a damned dad! All I want…All I want…”

He took her face in his hands again and finally kissed her softly, tenderly, pulling back slowly as though he were savoring her taste. He was. “…All I want is a life with you.

Anything else…the good, the bad…it’s just fluff.”

“Fluff IS overrated.”

Smiling at the smile in her eyes, he had to chuckle. She could always take a serious discussion and with one comment lighten it up. Thank God, because this was getting too deep. They loved each other. They said it. What the hell else was there to talk about?

Wrapping his arms around her again, he kissed her neck, happy to hear her moan at his touch. Scooping her up, without a word, he took her back upstairs and into her room.

“Wait here…I want to shut out everything else." She watched as he made his way to the window, shutting the blinds, closing out the rest of the world. “Mmm…it’s raining.”

“Crack the window a bit…I love to hear the rain.”

“Okay.” As he did, she walked up behind him wrapping her arms around his waist and laying her head on his back, her mind traveling back in time to birthday wishes, wishes upon a star, daydreams they’d shared in the past. Every time she’d dreamt of someone to just be with her, to love her, to be someone she could love in return. She was so sure it’d never happen, she was blinded to the fact that the fulfillment of those dreams and wishes was right under her nose, right in her arms, right in her heart all along.

Turning to her, he looked down at his love. The woman he’d loved for years. Always.

From little boy admiration to teenaged infatuation to now. A feeling, an emotion he couldn’t explain, one he’d avoided trying to explain so he wouldn’t lose it. But now that he’d said the simplest of words to share his heart, he felt he could never say it enough.

Never show it enough. But, he knew…she knew…they’d have a lifetime…even if it wasn’t a full lifetime…their lifetime to say it, to show it, to mature it. And it was time to get started.

Brushing a stray curl from her face and pushing it behind her ear, he bent down, bringing her lips to his, amazed again at how soft and warm she was. Always like the first time. Fresh, exciting, intoxicating.

Ciara.

Pulling back from the kiss, she let her gaze swim in his, also amazed at the depth of blue, the openness of heart she’d find there. Always like the first time. Fresh, exciting, intoxicating.

Nick.

“I love you, Ciara…”

“I love you, Nick.”

***

Lying here with you

Listening to the rain

Smiling just to see the smile upon your face

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive

These are the moments

I'll remember all my life

I found all I've waited for

And I could not ask for more

Looking in your eyes

Seeing all I need

Everything you are is everything to me

These are the moments

I know heaven must exist

These are the moments I know all I need is this

I have all I've waited for

And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together

I could not ask for more than this time with you

Every prayer has been answered

Every dream I have's come true

And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be Here with you here with me

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive

These are the moments I'll remember all my life

I've got all I've waited for

And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than the love you give me

'Coz it's all I've waited for

And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more.

Epilogue

Nick took his cue and stood to approach the front of the crowded room. In his fifty-plus years he had stood before more crowds than most people ever dream of. But this one?

This crowd was a representation of his life. His accomplishments, his failures, his dreams and his visions for the future.

Stepping up to the podium, he ran a hand through his graying brown hair, long ago given up on keeping it blonde, and rested an old, age-torn book on the stand. Looking at those before him, he spent but a few moments in the eyes of each of the special people there.

Kevin. Now gray, weathered, but still strong and classically handsome. He was alone, as he had been a large part of his life. It was a loss, but this is what he had chosen many years before. Nick still considered him a big brother and a great friend.

Brian. Balding, still faking the blonde with a good dye job. Leathery skin from so many hours outside being the dad, the husband, the friend, the companion. His life had been picture perfect thus far. Hell, now he was even a granddad.

Howie. He still tried to look twenty-something. Still single. Still a ladies man. He had stayed close with Nick and his family all along, and Nick would never forget it. His friendship had been irreplaceable, especially in the last 10 years.

AJ. Bald, bald, bald. Married a number of times, a couple of kids scattered all over and a few more trips to rehab. But now that he was in his fifties, he’d finally settled down.

Found another beautiful woman but this one didn’t take any of his shit. She was a keeper.

His family. Hmmm…thank God they were all still there. Mom and Dad aging horribly, all of his sibs married with families of their own. The road to that place? It had been rocky. Unpleasant. But it was settling down now. With a slight smile to Aaron, he turned his gaze to the young man who changed his life.

Niran. His son. The name means “eternal”. Ciara and Nick thoughtfully chose it before they caught their flight to pick him up from his birth place…Thailand. It would signify their love…eternal. She fought adoption for quite some time, but could no longer fight it.

The love she and Nick shared was too much to keep to themselves. Even with her health, it was approved. After a trip there for a vacation, they had been moved by the need for children’s care there. Options in America were plentiful, but they chose to go outside the borders and adopt a Thai baby. Take away the physical ethnic differences, and no one would know he was not their own. He was, in every possible way.

And now…Mali. His granddaughter. Only two years old, but the light of his life. Her name means “flower” and of course, she is the most beautiful in any garden. She looked up to Nick, oblivious to what was going on around her and flashed her dark, black eyes to him, spreading her arms out wide.

“Papi!”

“Hey sweetie…Papi will be down in a minute.”

Taking a deep breath, he smiled weakly as the crowd waited for his words. They’d be patient. Many were surprised to even see him up there. How could he speak? How could he do this? Years on stage were going to have to come in handy now, to be sure.

“First, I need to thank you all for coming. For being a part of our lives. For never leaving our side when things got too hard to handle. For standing by, even when we did things you thought were impulsive or selfish or reckless. You trusted us and loved us…and we thank you.”

He looked to Ciara’s family showing only a glimmer of anger. Truly those words were not for them, but there was no way to single them out. They were never supportive, never understanding. But in their warped way, they loved Ciara, and Nick had grown to tolerate their presence, especially in the last few years. He had no choice. Seeing Nate and his wife sitting there, he smiled and looked back down to the podium.

“I brought a book to read…a children’s book that was very special to Ciara and I…and to Nate, Rachel, Niran…” looking back to his granddaughter in her mother’s lap, he tried to smile again…putting on a brave front for her, “…and hopefully will be to Mali too. It’s short, so I hope you don’t mind.”

Everyone nodded in approval and he began, letting himself get lost in his memories, forgetting he wasn’t alone in the room.

Draw me a star.

And the artist drew a star.

It was a good star.

“Draw me a horse. Draw me a shark. Draw me…a garden.” When they’d first met, Ciara was taken with Nick’s pen and ink sketches. They’d go fishing and he’d spend most of the day loading up paper with her requests. After a time he quit drawing for her…although he never quit drawing. He taught Niran to draw and now he drew for Mali.

But, Ciara’s star was still his best work yet.

Draw me the sun.

And the artist drew the sun.

It was a warm sun.

Florida sun. It made the green in Ciara's eyes sparkle, adding extra strands of color that would dance and play with the strings of his heart. It warmed them in the morning after nights of love making. It bounced off of Niran’s shiny black hair making it almost look white. It healed aches and pains that cold night’s would bring.

Draw me a tree, said the sun.

And the artist drew a tree.

It was a lovely tree.

Palm trees for them. They were in every memory from the plastic ones in the nursing home, to the real ones lining the drive to their home, back to the plastic ones in the hospital corridors. How he hated those corridors, those plastic, sterile halls.

Draw me a woman and a man.

And the artist drew a handsome couple.

Nick’s voice finally broke and he stopped reading, never looking up, trying to compose himself. He knew this day would come, but now that it was here? How was he going to…he decided to keep reading.

Draw us a house, said the couple.

And the artist drew a house.

It was a strong house.

All the homes they shared flooded Nick’s memory. The house across from the nursing home where he made her peanut butter and jelly, his family’s home in Ruskin, his home in Apollo, Marathon, her apartment, her house and finally, their home. The one they built together…with a lot of help, of course. Their home. Their heart.

Draw me a dog, said the house.

And the artist drew a dog.

It was a big dog.

The tears from moments ago were now dry as he smiled through his pain. She hated dogs. Even the little ones. He was surrounded by them. Always. She never complained.

Never griped. And they loved her…sometimes they took better care of her when she was sick than Nick did.

Draw me a cat, said the dog.

Draw me a bird, said the cat.

Draw me a butterfly, said the bird.

Draw me a flower, said the butterfly.

And the artist drew red and yellow and blue and purple flowers.

Looking up to Mali, he smiled a huge, genuine smile...decorated with a tear running down his cheek. His flower. Their flower. Never in a million years did they think they’d have a child, no less a grandchild. But here she was. Ciara had been too ill to totally enjoy Mali’s presence in her life, but Mali knew Ciara well. “Mali and Mimi”…they had been as inseparable as they could be given the circumstances.

Draw us a cloud, said the flowers.

And the artist drew clouds heavy with rain.

Clouds. Yep, there had been lots of those. Heavy with rain. Blackened with storms. But they knew it going in. Ciara’s warnings to him so many years ago had pretty much all come true. Vision loss, muscle weakness to the point of needing a wheel chair to get around, loss of toes, and finally kidney failure and dialysis. It was an ugly, ugly road, but honestly…the only way he would have changed it is if it didn’t have to happen to at all.

Because in those ugly, awful moments, he learned so much, he loved so much and received so much love in return. Nothing could replace it. Even horrible, frightening moments with Ciara were moments he cherished.

Draw me the night said the rainbow.

And the artist drew a dark night.

And this was definitely his “night.” Life without her in it. But…

Draw me the moon, said the night.

And the artist drew a full moon.

Draw me a star, said the moon.

Night is never pitch black. There is always light. And that light rested in the people watching him, supporting him, loving him through this whole thing. He looked to Niran whose finger was beginning to draw in the air, showing his wife and daughter how it went.

Down, over, left, and right, draw a star oh so bright.

It was a good star.

Hold on to me said the star to the artist.

Then, together they traveled across the night sky.

Tears poured down Nick’s cheeks as he slowly closed the book and looked up to the people before him. Everyone was crying in one fashion or other. Sobs, quiet streams of salt filled tears slid down faces, tissues dabbed eyes of the strong. Taking a deep breath, he spoke his final words to the crowd.

“I’m not the star. Cici is that star. And, like the story says, she’s a good star…more beautiful than any others. Drawn differently.” He held up the book, showing the large 8-pointed star on the back. “You can’t tell at a glance that it’s different, but you notice that it shines brighter, fuller…it’s a good star.” Bringing the book down, he held back the flood of tears waiting to break free.

“Ciara asked me to hold on to her by letting me love her. That was not an easy thing for her to do. But we did…and…together we traveled across the night sky. Now, it’s time for us to travel alone.” Looking at Niran and Mali, he smiled through his tears, “but she’ll always be there, guys. Brightening up our night, watching us, asking us to hold on to each other now…her star will always shine.”

The End

Table of Contents

Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty One

Chapter Twenty Two

Chapter Twenty Three

Chapter Twenty Four

Chapter Twenty Five

Chapter Twenty Six

Chapter Twenty Seven

Chapter Twenty Eight

Chapter Twenty Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty One

Chapter Thirty Two

Chapter Thirty Three

Chapter Thirty Four

Chapter Thirty Five

Chapter Thirty Six

Chapter Thirty Seven

Chapter Thirty Eight

Chapter Thirty Nine

Chapter Forty

Chapter Forty One

Chapter Forty Two

Chapter Forty Three

Chapter Forty Four

Chapter Forty Five

Chapter Forty Six

Chapter Forty Seven

Chapter Forty Eight

Chapter Forty Nine

Chapter Fifty

Chapter Fifty One

Chapter Fifty Two

Chapter Fifty Three

Chapter Fifty Four

Chapter Fifty Five

Chapter Fifty Six

Chapter Fifty Seven

Chapter Fifty Eight

Chapter Fifty Nine

Chapter Sixty

Chapter Sixty One

Chapter Sixty Two

Chapter Sixty Three

Chapter Sixty Four

Chapter Sixty Five

Chapter Sixty Six

Chapter Sixty Seven

Chapter Sixty Eight

Chapter Sixty Nine

Epilogue