Part 5

~

So kiss me and smile for me

Tell me that you’ll wait for me

Hold me like you’ll never let me go

Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane

Don’t know when I’ll be back again

Oh, babe, I hate to go

~

Two years later

It was April 20, 1993, a day that would go down in history. But that morning, I had no idea what was in store for me. It was just a regular Tuesday morning when I pulled out of my driveway in my truck, the Bleedin’ Banana, as I fondly called it, for its red and yellow paint job.

I pulled into the driveway next door and honked the horn to let Grace know I was there to pick her up. Although Grace was now sixteen and had her license, her parent didn’t have enough money to buy her a car, and although she had worked all through the previous summer and that whole school year, she didn’t have enough for one either. All her money went to her parents to help pay the bills.

Grace and I had been going out for almost two years, since the summer before our sophomore years. We were nearing the end of our junior year now and were closer than ever. We told each other everything. This was how I knew the extent of Grace’s family’s problems.

Her father had gotten them into debt by spending his money on alcohol. He had lost yet another job and was unemployed. He was gone all day and most of the night, nearly every night, but Grace never knew where he was. Not working, that was for sure. Every night, he came home drunk.

Grace was working an after school job, and her mother was gone nearly all of the time, working two different jobs, just to keep the family going. Grace was afraid they would have to sell their house soon and move. I was afraid of that too. If they moved, where would they go?

I was afraid of losing Grace. She had lived next door to me for her whole life and most of mine. If she moved, nothing would ever be the same. I would miss her so much. Just the thought of it upset me, even though I knew that soon, we would be separated anyway, when we went off to college. I just didn’t know how soon.

“Hey, Bri,” Grace said, climbing into the truck beside me and slamming the door.

“Hey, Gracie,” I replied, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

I turned on the radio, and we drove to school.

***

Hours later, I sat in my sixth hour class, US History. That was one of my favorite classes of the day, mostly because Grace was in it, and she sat right next to me. Plus, it was the last class of the day.

Towards the end of the class, my teacher, Mr. Tinley, was scribbling down notes on the chalkboard about World War I, when the school secretary, Mrs. Barkley, came over the intercom.

“Mr. Tinley?”

“Yes?” he asked, setting down his chalk.

“Could you please send Brian Littrell to the office? He has a phone call,” Mrs. Barkley said.

“Sure,” Mr. Tinley replied. Looking at me, he said, “Go ahead Mr. Littrell. Take your things with you, in case you don’t get back before the bell rings.”

I nodded, grabbing my books, and left the room. As I walked through the halls on my way to the office, my heart pounded, and my hands began to sweat. I was nervous. Why would someone call me at school? I was afraid something bad had happened. When other kids I knew got called out of class to take a phone call, it was usually because one of their grandparents had died, or a relative had been in a car accident, or something like that.

As I neared the office, I silently prayed that everyone was okay.

“Hi, Brian,” greeted Mrs. Barker, as I walked into the office. She handed me the phone. “It’s one of your cousins. Says his name is Kevin.”

Kevin? Kevin Richardson? That confused me. My cousin Kevin had been living in Orlando, Florida for a few years. He had come back to Lexington, where he had grown up, for a few months back in 1991, when his father, my uncle, had died of cancer, but he had moved back to Orlando after that and had been living there for the past year or so. I hadn’t seen him much since, except for on Christmas.

“Thanks,” I said, taking the phone from Mrs. Barker. “Hello?”

“Brian! Hey, it’s Kevin.”

I relaxed a little. Kevin sounded happy. It must not have been anything bad. “Hey, Kev,” I said. “What’s up, man?”

“Well, Bri, I’ve got an opportunity for ya that I want you to consider. I joined this music group down here in Orlando, with these three other guys. And we’re looking for a fifth member.”

“Huh?” I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. “You want me to join your group?”

“Yup. It’s a pop group, sorta like New Kids on the Block, but different, ya know. We’ve been looking for a fifth member cause the guy we had didn’t really work out, and I thought maybe you’d like to join. I mean, you like to sing and all, and you’ve got a great voice, so…”

“Well, gee, Kevin, I dunno…” I was still in a state of shock. How could he expect me to give him an answer right here and now? But as I thought it over, it sounded like a good idea. How could I tell him no? I had always loved to sing. I was in both the school and church choirs, and I had sang solos in church many times. In fact, I was planning to go to college on a singing scholarship. But to actually join a music group? It was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

“It’s not a done deal yet anyway,” Kevin said. “This guy, Lou Pearlman, that’s getting us together, he wants to have you come down here and audition for him before we make any final decisions. But what do you say? I think you should at least come here and give it a try.”

I had my mind made up. “Okay, Kevin,” I said. “I’ll give it a try.”

“Really? Okay, cuz, that’s great. I’ll talk to ya later tonight, and we can go over some more details, okay? I know you’re in school now and everything, so I won’t keep you hanging.”

“Yeah, okay,” I said. “Talk to ya later. Bye.” I hung up, shaking my head in disbelief. Was this real?

“Is everything okay, Brian?” Mrs. Barker asked, bringing me out of my daze.

“Huh? Oh, oh yeah, everything’s fine,” I said. Just then, the bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. “Well, I better get going now.”

I grabbed up my books and slowly left the office, still in a state of shock.

***

“Hey, Bri, is everything okay?”

I was at my locker, dropping my books off, when Grace came up behind me.

“Oh, hey, Grace. Yeah, everything’s great. You won’t believe-“

“I’m sorry, honey, but I gotta run. I have to get to work. Jamie’s giving me a ride. I get home at eight though. Why don’t you come over and tell me your news then, okay?”

“Oh. Okay, sure,” I said. “See ya then.”

“Bye,” Grace said, giving me a quick kiss and hurrying off down the hall.

***

“Mom! Hey, Mom, I gotta tell ya! Kev-“

“Whoa, slow down,” Mom laughed, as I burst through the door, talking a mile a minute. “Kevin called about the group and told me all about it.”

I stopped abruptly. “What?! He did?”

“Yes, he did. He called your father and I both at work and told us everything.”

I couldn’t believe it! I had been the last one to hear about it!

“So what do you think?” I asked her.

“Well… I think it sounds like a good opportunity, Brian. Is it something you’d like to do?”

“Yeah, I wanna at least go down there. I told Kevin I would,” I replied. “You think I should, don’t you?”

“Of course, honey, if that’s what you want,” she said. “My main concern is your education though. If you make this group, you’ll have to be pulled out of school. Kevin mentioned something about tutoring, but I’m not sure exactly how that works. I’d like to find out some more information before I just ship you down to Orlando. He gave me the number of a Denise McLean, the mother of one of the boys in the group. He said she would answer any questions I had.”

I nodded. “You gonna call her?” I asked.

“Yes, I am. In fact, I’ll do that right now,” she said, picking up the phone and dialing a number that she had written down on a pad of paper by the phone. “Hello, is this Denise? Yes, this is Jackie Littrell, Brian Littrell’s mother…”

As Mom talked on the phone, I went upstairs and dropped my stuff off. The picture sitting on my dresser caught my eye. It was a picture of Grace and I from the Homecoming dance the past fall.

Suddenly, I felt sort of sick, as I realized something. If this all worked out, I would be going all the way to Orlando, Florida, and soon. But Grace would still be here, in Lexington. We would be separated.

***

A little after eight that evening, I walked over to Grace’s house, my heart pounding. I wasn’t looking forward to having to tell her the news. It was going to be even worse than I had thought.

My mom had been on the phone all evening, talking to Denise McLean, Kevin, and the management of the group. They had arranged for me to fly down to Orlando at six the next morning!

Taking a deep breath, I rang Grace’s doorbell. This was it.

Grace opened the door and grinned when she saw me standing there. “Hey, Bri,” she said, leaning forward to kiss me.

I forced a smile back and put my arm around her, walking with her into the living room. “Grace, there’s something I have to tell you,” I said, not wanting to stall.

“Tell me,” she said, smiling expectantly. I remembered telling her at school how “great” it was. She wasn’t going to think it was great though, at least not for our relationship.

“Well… that phone call that I got during History today, it was from my cousin Kevin. You remember him, right?” She nodded. “Well, anyway, he joined some music group with three other guys. And they want me to be their fifth member.”

Her eyes widened, and she broke into a grin. “Bri, that’s awesome!” she said. “You said yes, didn’t you?”

I relaxed. She was happy for me! “Yup,” I replied, grinning. “I’m so glad you’re happy for me. I thought you’d be upset.”

“Upset? Oh, honey, why would I be upset? I think it’s a great opportunity!” Grace gushed.

“Yeah, I think so too. I’ll miss you so much though,” I said.

“Miss me?” Grace asked, looking confused. It was then that I realized I had forgotten to mention the group was in Orlando.

“Uh… well, yeah. See, I forgot to tell you… they’re in Orlando. I have to go down there to join,” I slowly told her.

Her mouth dropped open, and a million expressions crossed her face. “Orlando?” she managed to ask. I nodded. “And you’re leaving Lexington to go there?” Again, I nodded. “When?” Grace asked.

I took a deep breath. “Tomorrow,” I replied. That did it.

“Tomorrow?! You’re leaving tomorrow!?” Grace cried.

“I’m sorry, honey,” I said. “I didn’t really have a choice. Their management wants me to come as soon as possible to audition and everything. They booked a flight for me at six tomorrow morning.”

That’s when the tears came. They filled Grace’s dark eyes and spilled over, trickling slowly down her cheeks. “But, Brian, what about us?” she asked, expressing the same worry I had had all along.

“We can make it through this, Gracie,” I said confidently. “Lots of couples have long distance relationships. We can call each other, and it’s not like we won’t ever see each other. My family’s here, and so is Kevin’s. We’ll be back all the time, I’m sure.”

She shook her head. “It’s not the same,” she said.

“I know it’s not. But we can make it work,” I insisted.

She smiled sadly. “I don’t know, Brian.”

“Grace, I love you. I love you so much. Please don’t break up with me over this,” I pleaded.

“I don’t want to break up,” she said. I could sense there was a “but” coming soon though. I was right. “But, I don’t want to get my heart broken either.”

I felt torn. She was making it sound like if I went to Orlando, we would have to break up. That was the last thing I wanted. But being in a real music group was like a dream come true. It was such a big opportunity. How could I turn it down?

“I won’t break your heart, Grace,” I said softly. “I love you. I would do anything to keep us together. And…” I took a deep breath. “And, if that means not going to Orlando, I won’t go.”

She looked up in disbelief. “Really?” she asked, her voice small. “You mean, you’d just give up that opportunity… for me?”

I nodded slowly. “If I had to pick between the group and you, it would be you, Grace. It would always be you.”

More tears filled her eyes, and she shook her head. “I can’t let you do that, Brian,” she whispered. “I can’t let you give something like that up.”

“But if it meant losing you-“

“I think we can make it,” Grace interrupted, trying to sound optimistic. “You’re right… people do it all the time. It’ll be hard, but we can manage, if we really try. After all, we love each other.”

I smiled, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close to me. “God, Grace, I love you. More than anything.”

“Me too, Bri,” she said, her voice muffled against my shoulder. “I’ll always love you.”

I sighed. “I wish I had more time here with you,” I said. “I wish I didn’t have to leave tomorrow.”

“I know,” Grace cried.

“If I had time to get it, I’d buy you a promise ring,” I said.

She pulled back and looked up at me. “A promise ring?”

“Yeah. You know, to remind you that I love you, and that I’ll always love you, even if I’m not around all the time. And it would stand for your promise that you’ll always love me too. Kind of like the pinkie swear we made when we were little.” I laughed a little.

Grace smiled up at me tearfully. “Brian, that’s so sweet,” she said.

“Tell you what. When I get to Florida, I’ll buy you a ring, and I’ll mail it to you, okay?” I offered.

She nodded. “Okay.”

“And whenever you miss me, you just look at it and know that I’m missing you too,” I said.

“I will,” she replied. We were silent for a moment, and I could tell Grace was deep in thought.

“Whatcha thinking about?” I asked her.

She smiled shyly at me. “I was just thinking that a ring isn’t really a good way to permanently seal our vow to each other. There’s a better way…”

I raised an eyebrow at her. Was she thinking what I thought she was thinking? “Grace, do you mean… have… lose our… well, you know…” I stammered, blushing.

“Brian, I know it’s against your religion. I won’t pressure you. It’s just an idea.” She shrugged.

My heart pounded. This was the first time I had been in this position. My whole life, I had been told not to have sex until marriage.

But if I could, I’d marry Grace right now, I thought. That’s how much I loved her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. But I knew I couldn’t propose to her now; we were too young.

However, if I wanted to declare my love for her and promise myself to her, I could give her something even more precious than an engagement ring, something I could only give away once, to one special person.

I took a deep breath. “Well, I think it’s a good idea,” I said, taking her in my arms.

“Really? You’re not just saying that?”

“Really. I love you Grace, and I wanna prove that to you. I want us to share something special together, something we’ll never forget. And this might be our last night together for awhile. So I say we make it a night to remember.”

Grace nodded. “Okay,” she said softly, standing up. She took my hand, and together, we walked into her bedroom and shut the door.

***

“What was that?” Grace asked, an hour later, tensing up.

“What was what?” I asked, stroking her bare back. “I didn’t hear anything.”

Then suddenly, I did hear something. A car door slam.

“Oh my God. Somebody’s home!” she cried, scrambling off of the bed and grabbing her clothes.

“I thought your mom was working late tonight!” I exclaimed, hurriedly pulling my boxers on.

“She is!” Grace cried. She pulled her T-shirt on and went to peek out her window. “Shit! It’s Dad!”

I gasped. “Your Dad’s home?!” I yanked my jeans on as quick as I could. It was probably already too late. Forget about Orlando. We were dead.

Grace was still looking out the window. “He’s coming inside!” she squeaked. “You have to get out!”

“I can’t go out; he’ll see me!” I cried.

“Quick, go out the window!” she hissed, yanking her curtains back and shoving her window up.

“Are you crazy?!” I demanded.

“No, it’s okay. Just climb out onto the garage roof and climb the drain pipe down to the ground,” she told me hurriedly, pushing me towards the window. “Please, Brian, go! He’ll kill you if he finds you here!” She was near tears.

“Okay,” I said, taking a shuddering breath. I carefully climbed out of the window, onto the roof of the garage. “I love you, Grace.”

“I love you too, Bri,” she whispered, leaning out the window to kiss me. “What time are you leaving tomorrow?”

“Six,” I replied.

“I’ll be at the airport to see you off before I have to go to school, okay?”

“Okay. I’ll see you in the morning then,” I said, hurriedly kissing her again.

“Okay. Quick, go, he’s coming upstairs! Love you!” she cried, and quickly closed the window. She blew me a kiss and then drew the curtains closed, disappearing from my sight.

Meanwhile, there I was, kneeling unsteadily on the roof of her garage. Had I ever mentioned to Grace that I was terrified of heights? If I had, she had obviously forgotten. I crawled slowly towards the edge of the roof. It was not steep and not really that high, but it was high enough, and it was dark outside too. I got to the corner, where the drain pipe was and took a deep breath. Then I made the mistake of looking down.

“Oh, my God,” I whispered. “I can’t do this.” But I knew I had to.

Bravely, I lowered myself down from the roof until I was clinging to the gutter. I was terrified, but I knew I wouldn’t last long just hanging there. I had to get down. I grabbed hold of the drain pipe and slid my way down it, praying it wouldn’t break.

I had never been so relieved to feel the ground beneath my feet as I was when I finally got down. I sighed with relief and ran for my house before Grace’s dad could look out and see me there.

***

The next morning, I sat at the airport beside my parents, excited, nervous, and exhausted all at the same time. I had not slept well at all the night before. Part of it had been because of excitement and anxiety about the trip to Orlando. The other part had been because of Grace. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and our experience the night before. We had lost our virginity, forever declaring our love for one another.

I smiled slightly, giving my parents a sidelong glance. They had no idea. I felt a little guilty, for they had raised me with strong morals that shunned premarital sex. But I had no regrets about what I had done with Grace the night before. In fact, I was glad. It made me feel a little better about leaving her, knowing that she would here, waiting for me when I got back, and that she would still love me.

As my thoughts drifted to Grace, I looked around the airport, wondering where she was. It was quarter till six, and my flight would begin boarding any minute. I hoped she would get there soon. I had to see her one last time before I got on that plane, I just had to.

“Now boarding Flight 103 Lexington to Orlando at Gate 6.”

“That’s your flight, honey,” Mom said.

I looked around again for Grace. Still no sign of her.

Mom and Dad stood up. Reluctantly, I stood up too.

“We love you, Brian,” Dad said, hugging me. “You have a great time in Orlando.”

“Thanks, Dad, I will,” I replied. Then Mom pulled me into her arms and hugged me tightly.

“Call if you need anything,” she said. “I’m going to miss you so much.” When I pulled away, I said tears shining in her eyes.

“Aw, Mom, don’t cry,” I said.

She smiled and wiped her eyes. “I know. I can’t help it,” she said, hugging me again and kissing my forehead.

Just then, we heard another boarding call for my flight.

“You better get your stuff together and get going,” Dad said.

I sighed, looking once more around the gate area for Grace. She was nowhere to be found.

“Goodbye, honey,” Mom said. “Make sure you call home when you get to Kevin’s place so we know you got there safely.”

“I will, Mom,” I said absently. Where was Grace?

“Come on, Brian, don’t dawdle,” my dad said. “You want to get on there and get your seat before it gets too crowded.”

I wanted to say no, that I couldn’t leave without seeing Grace, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I had to go get on that plane, whether Grace was there or not.

“Okay,” I sighed. “Bye, Dad. Bye, Mom.” I offered them a tight smile, grabbed my carry-on bag, and started walking slowly towards the woman taking boarding passes.

As I dug my boarding pass out of my pocket to hand to the woman, I heard a familiar voice calling me. “Brian!!”

I spun around to see Grace running towards me. She threw herself in my arms and kissed me.

“Brian,” she gasped breathlessly. “Oh, thank God I made it here in time! I’m so sorry! I overslept, and I was afraid I wouldn’t get to see you before you left!”

I couldn’t stop smiling; I was so glad she was there. “It’s okay, Gracie,” I said, kissing her back. “I’m glad you made it too. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” she cried, burying her head in my shoulder and practically clinging to me.

“I’ll call you later tonight, okay?”

“Okay,” she replied.

Suddenly, there was a tap on my shoulder. “Excuse me, sir, but you need to board the plane now,” said the woman taking passes, holding out her hand for mine.

I nodded, handing it to her. “I love you, Grace,” I said, hugging her one last time. “Always and forever.”

“Here you go, sir,” the woman said, handing me back my pass once she had checked it over. “Have a good flight.”

“Thanks,” I told her quickly.

“I love you, Bri,” Grace said, stepping back. “I’ll miss you.”

“Me too,” I replied. “Bye.”

“Bye,” she called, as I started towards my flight. I looked back only once and waved to her, and then continued on to the plane, leaving my love behind. That ended up being the last time I ever saw Grace Myers, for the next eight and a half years, anyway.

***

One week later

I had been in Florida for one week now, one of the most memorable weeks of my life, up until that point. It had been a busy week, but a fun one, for the most part.

I had auditioned for the group the day I had gotten there, and they had accepted me on the spot. I was now the fifth member of a pop group called the Backstreet Boys, named for a hangout in Orlando called the Backstreet Market.

I had only known the other members, except for Kevin, for a week, but they were all very nice, and we were getting along great. Kevin was the oldest and the only legal adult, at twenty one years old. Howie Dorough was the second oldest. He was nineteen and extremely nice and friendly. I was right in the middle, at eighteen. Next came Alex McLean, who had just recently decided to change his nickname to “AJ”. He was fifteen, but he seemed more mature, most of the time. He was cool; I liked him. The youngest of the group was Nick Carter, a short little blonde kid who was only thirteen. Although he was five years my junior, so far I liked him the best. He had a devilish side and loved playing practical jokes, just like I did. He also liked playing basketball, which happened to be my favorite sport. Nicky pretty much sucked at it, but he was fun to play with anyway.

Being part of the group was fun. It was much different from what I thought it would be, but I liked it and was quickly adjusting to it. So far it was a lot of work, with singing rehearsals and dance lessons, and it got tiring, but I had fun doing it. In between practicing, AJ, Nick, and I were all tutored.

There was one thing that was troubling me, however. Every night for the past week, I had been trying to call Grace. I always called after eight, when I knew she would be home from work. But she never answered. It was beginning to worry me. I had mentioned it to my mom last time I had talked to her, and she said she hadn’t seen Grace or her mother around lately.

That night, at 8:30, I picked up the phone and dialed Grace’s number. I let it ring at least ten times, but no one answered. Sighing, I hung up.

”Something the matter, Bri?” Kevin asked, coming into the kitchen of the apartment I shared with Howie and him.

“I can’t get a hold of my girlfriend,” I said. “She’s never home, and I have no idea where she could be.”

“Oh, you got a girlfriend, huh?” Kevin asked, smiling at me. “What’s her name?”

“Grace. Grace Myers. She lives next door to me. You’ve met her before, remember?”

Kevin thought for a moment. “Oh yeah, I remember her. She’s cute.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “Well, I’m gonna call home now.”

“Okay,” Kevin said. “Tell your parents hi for me, okay?”

“Sure,” I said, picking up the phone again and dialing my phone number.

“Hello?” my mom answered. I smiled at the sound of her voice. Even though I was having a great time in Orlando, I had to admit I got a little homesick at times.

“Hey, Mom, it’s me, Brian,” I said.

”Brian! Hi, sweetheart. How are you doing?” she asked.

“Good,” I said. “I’m having a great time.”

“That’s great,” Mom said.

“Have you seen Grace at all since we talked last?” I asked hopefully.

My Mom sighed, and I knew all of a sudden that something was wrong. “She’s gone, Brian.”

“Huh? She’s gone? Gone where?” I cried.

“I don’t know. All I know is that the day you left, there was a huge fight there late at night. Your father and I could hear the screaming, but we didn’t think much of it; you know how that goes. We heard a car pull away but figured it was just Grace or her father or something, getting away for awhile. But I haven’t seen Grace’s mother’s car in the driveway since, and there’s been no sign of either of them.”

“Oh, my God,” I whispered. My poor Grace. Where could she have gone? Had her father really gotten that bad? I knew the situation wasn’t good, but I had no idea how bad it had turned.

“I’m so sorry, honey,” she said. “I have no idea where they’ve gone or what happened. I would have thought she would have called you by now.”

“No,” I said sadly. “I haven’t heard from her at all.”

“Well, I’m sure there’s a good reason for it, and it’s not you,” Mom said, trying to make me feel better. It didn’t really help. Until then, I hadn’t thought that it had been me, but suddenly, I wondered if I had anything to do with it. Why else wouldn’t Grace have called?

I was even more worried now than before I called. Grace had disappeared and hadn’t even called to let me know where she had gone. Was she mad at me for something? Or was something terribly wrong?

I had no answers. All I knew was that my Gracie, my best friend, my true love, the girl I had given my virginity to, was gone.

***

Lyrics taken from John Denver’s “Leaving on a Jet Plane”

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