Part 9

~

Without you, there’d be no sun in my sky

There would be no love in my life

There’d be no world left for me

And I, baby, I don’t know what I would do

I’d be lost if I lost you

~

Six months later

I walked out into the cool February air, pulling my coat tighter around me. The temperature was in the forties, but it felt colder because of the blustery wind that blew.

I got into my car and set my small shopping bag down on the seat beside me. I stared at it a moment and then reached in and pulled out the small box inside, sticking it in my coat pocket. I shoved the bag into the glove compartment, not wanting Grace to see it.

I pulled out of my parking space and onto the road, starting on my way home. The radio played softly.

“This is Jan Franklin from the American Red Cross, urging you to donate blood. The Atlanta area hospitals are currently going through a blood shortage because of the great amount of blood needed and the low amount of donors. So save a life; become a blood donor.”

As I drove, my mind was not on the road, the cars around me, or the public service announcements on the radio. I was only thinking about Grace and the surprise I had planned for her on Valentine’s Day, which was just two days away.

This was why I didn’t see the car pull out in front of me until it was too late. One minute the road in front of me was clear; the next minute, a big Cadillac was right in my path.

I moved my foot to the brake as fast as I could react, but it wasn’t fast enough. My small BMW slammed right into the side of the big silver car, and I felt my body being thrown forward.

Suddenly, I was overcome with total pain. And then, as a wave of darkness came over me, the pain disappeared, and I felt like I was floating away into a sea of black. That was the last sensation I felt before I slipped away to the land of unconsciousness.

***

Grace was at home, peeling potatoes for the potato soup she had planned on making for supper that night. She could hear the wind howling outside the windows, and she shivered, but not because she was cold.

Suddenly, the phone rang, startling her. She set down her potato peeler, wiped her hands on a dishtowel, and answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Is this the Littrell residence?” asked a young man’s voice.

“Yes, it is,” she replied. “Who’s calling, please?”

“This is John, from the Atlanta EMT squad. Are you Brian’s wife?”

Grace’s hand shot up to cover her mouth, and she suddenly felt lightheaded. “No, I’m his girlfriend,” she managed to say, her voice sounding wavery. “Did something happen to Brian?”

“Yes, ma’am, your boyfriend was involved in a serious motor vehicle accident,” John replied. His voice was calm and patient sounding, but it did not help to ease her fright. “He’s been taken to St. John’s Hospital. Is there someone around who could drive you there?”

Grace was trembling badly by now. “Uh… no, but that’s okay… I can drive,” she said.

”Are you sure, ma’am? You sound a little shaken up.”

“I’m sure,” she said. “How is he? Is he gonna be all right?”

“I can’t tell you at this point,” John said. “Just come to the emergency room of the hospital as soon as you can. Drive carefully.”

“Okay,” she said. “Bye”. Numbly, she hung up the phone and sank down onto the nearest chair, her knees feeling too shaky to support her any longer. She sat there for a moment, the paramedic’s words echoing through her mind. Brian… accident… hospital…

Grace managed to collect herself enough to stand up and get on her shoes and coat and grab her car keys. Then she hurried out to the car, barely feeling the cold wind blowing into the garage. She got into the car and sped off towards the hospital.

***

Nearly an hour later, Grace looked up to see a doctor coming towards the chair she was sitting in, in a waiting room in the ER of the hospital. Her stomach clenched.

“Excuse me, Miss Myers, I presume?” he asked.

“Yes,” she replied.

He held out his hand. “Dr. Donald Robertson. I’m a surgical intern here at the hospital. I’d like to talk to you about Brian.”

Grace nodded. “Is he alright?” she asked.

“Well, why don’t you step out into the hall with me so we can talk more privately,” he suggested, taking her arm and helping her up.

Grace followed him out of the waiting room and down a hall, to an empty area with a few chairs pushed up against the wall. He motioned for her to sit down, and she did so.

“Brian suffered some serious internal damage in the crash. One of his lungs collapsed, and tests show he has some internal bleeding that could be very serious. It needs to be corrected as soon as possible, or he will die from too much blood loss. However, surgery is a risk right now because his body, especially his lungs, are very weak.”

“So what are you saying?” Grace asked.

“Well, I’m saying you and Brian are going to have to make some important decisions. Basically, here’s your options. Brian could either go up for surgery soon to have the internal bleeding stopped, with the risk of not making it through the operation. Or, we could hold off on surgery until he gets stronger, but then there would be the risk of him losing too much blood.”

Grace’s heart pounded wildly. “Well, which would you suggest?”

“In a normal case like this, we usually hold off on surgery and give the patient blood transfusions to make for the blood they lose. However, there is a problem. Right now, we are going through a serious blood shortage. Brian’s blood type is somewhat rare, and there’s only so much to sustain him and the other patients here that might need it.”

“So should he have the surgery now to stop the bleeding?” Grace asked, feeling overwhelmed with the huge decision she was going to have to make.

“In this case, I would recommend it,” Dr. Robertson said honestly. “At the very least, if he died in surgery, it would be a painless, relatively short death. Dying from blood loss, on the other hand, would be longer and more painful, despite the morphine we’re giving him.”

“I say go for the surgery then,” Grace said. “Is Brian awake? Does he know about this?”

“He conscious, yes, but a little out of it because of the morphine. I explained the options to him, and he agreed to go for the surgery. But I wanted to run it by you first and let you discuss it with him before we went ahead with it.”

Grace nodded, feeling a little better. “Okay,” she said. “Can I see him now?”

“Yes, I’ll take you to his room. Come with me,” Dr. Robertson said, leading her on down the hall. Grace followed behind him, her heart pounding rapidly.

Dr. Robertson pushed open the door to Brian’s room and led her inside. Brian lay on the bed inside, his eyes closed.

“He’s just dozing right now,” Dr. Robertson said. “Go and talk to him, and I bet he’ll wake right up. I’ll be just down the hall if you need anything.”

And with that, he left her there, alone with Brian.

Timidly, Grace crept up to the hospital bed to get a better look at Brian. “Oh, Brian,” she cried out in a choked whisper, trying to hold back tears.

Just like the doctor had predicted, Brian’s eyes fluttered and then opened at the sound of her voice.

***

As my vision cleared, I focused on a familiar face leaning over me.

“Grace,” I tried to say, but my voice came out as an awful sounding whisper. I closed my eyes for a moment, collecting my thoughts.

I remembered that I was in the hospital. I had been in a car accident, the doctor had told me. I was supposed to have some kind of surgery soon. For what, I couldn’t remember. I was so tired and sort of disoriented; it was hard to remember what exactly the doctor had told me.

“Brian? Are you in pain, sweetie?” I heard Grace asked.

“Not really,” I mumbled. I figured they had given me some major pain medication, which would explain why my mind was so foggy and spacey.

“That’s good,” she said. “So Dr. Robertson came to talk to you about the surgery and everything?”

Dr. Robertson? Oh yeah, that was my doctor’s name. And that’s right, he had talked about some kind of surgery. I could remember bits and pieces of that conversation, but a lot of it was hazy.

“Yeah,” I said. “What do I need surgery for again?”

“You have some… some internal bleeding,” Grace said, biting her lip. I could tell she was really upset.

“Oh yeah,” I murmured. “When’s the operation?”

“I’m not sure, honey. Are you sure you want to go through with it? It’s pretty risky,” she said, looking pained.

“I don’t know,” I said, not really even listening to what she was saying. It was so hard to concentrate. I just wanted to close my eyes and go to sleep.

“Brian? Stay awake for me, babe,” Grace said, stroking my cheek. “I know you’re sleepy, but we have to talk about this surgery cause if you’re going to have it, I’m sure Dr. Robertson wants to do it soon.”

I blinked, trying to focus. “I want to have it,” I said, my voice growing stronger. “I know it’s risky, but it would be risky not to have it, wouldn’t it?”

Grace nodded. “I agree,” she said. “I think you should have it.”

“Okay,” I said.

“Are you sure you’re not in any pain? Can I get you anything?” Grace asked.

I thought for a moment. “There is something you could get for me…” I started slowly.

“Sure, anything, baby.”

I took a deep breath, trying to clear my mind so that I could give her the right directions. “Okay, in my closet at home, on the top shelf, there’s a big red shoebox. Could you get that for me and bring it here?”

“Sure, Brian,” she said, looking slightly perplexed. “What’s in the box?”

“Just a little something I need to have before I go into surgery,” I replied, smiling slightly.

“Okay. I’ll go get it now, okay?”

“Thanks, Gracie,” I said. “I think I’ll just go back to sleep.”

“Okay, sweetheart. I love you,” she said, bending over and kissing my cheek. She gave me a sad smile and left the room. As soon as she was gone, I closed my eyes and fell asleep almost immediately.

***

Grace was overcome with curiosity as she stood on a footstool in Brian’s closet, looking through the boxes and junk he had crowded on the top shelf. She knew nothing of this red box he had spoken of and was interested in finding out what was so important about it.

Grace moved aside a big box of old clothes that towards the back of the shelf, and there she saw it. A big red Nike shoebox, just like Brian had said, shoved into the very back corner of the shelf, where no one would ever see it.

Eagerly, she pulled the box down and climbed off the footstool. Dust came billowing off of the box, causing her to sneeze. She set it down on the floor and quickly wiped the dust off it. Then she slowly took the lid off.

Inside was something Grace was not expecting. It was not anything expensive or sacred. Not any special treasure. It was a teddy bear.

Incredulously, Grace pulled the old, ragged, dusty stuffed animal out of the box it had been crammed into. She blew the dust off of it and ran her fingers over its worn beige fur. And suddenly, she gasped.

“Curly!” she cried out loud, her mouth dropping open. This was not just any old teddy bear. This was Curly, her one-time favorite stuffed animal. It was the teddy bear she had given to Brian when he was in the hospital, back when she was four years old. And all these years later, he still had it!

Without warning, Grace burst into tears. She clutched the dusty bear to her chest and sobbed.

***

“Brian?”

My eyes fluttered open, as I heard Grace’s familiar voice calling my name. I smiled when I saw her standing beside me.

“Hey, Gracie,” I said softly.

She smiled tearfully and handed me something. I grinned when I saw what it was. Curly.

“Thanks, honey,” I said, smiling.

“You kept him,” she whispered. “I can’t believe you kept him.”

I chuckled. “Grace, that bear has been with me through everything. It sounds ridiculous, but I had him with me when I had my appendix taken out, and even during my heart surgery a few years ago. I know it’s stupid, but it’s sorta comforting to have him at the hospital with me.” I smiled sheepishly.

Grace’s eyes grew shiny with unshed tears. “I don’t think it’s stupid or ridiculous at all,” she said. “It’s one of the sweetest things I’ve ever seen.” She sniffled and without warning, bent over and hugged me as best she could, with me stuck in a hospital bed.

My whole body was felt weak and heavy, but I lifted one of my arms and wrapped it around her trembling body, gently stroking her back.

“I’m scared, Bri,” she whispered, clinging to me.

“I know, honey,” I said. “Me too. But no matter how things turn out, just know that I love you, and I’ll be there for you, even if it’s not in person.”

“I know,” she said, crying. “But I don’t want to let you go.”

“Neither do I, baby. But let’s not think like that. Concentrate on the good stuff.”

She nodded, pulling back and giving me another tearful smile. “What time are they taking you in?” she asked.

“Soon. Dr. Robertson was just in here before you came. He said the nurses will be in to get me prepped for surgery pretty soon,” I said. I forced a smile, trying to be brave for her. I knew she was terrified, and so was I. But I didn’t want to let her know that. It would just make her worry more.

***

An hour later, I was lying on a gurney in the surgical holding area, nervously awaiting the time when I would be taken into surgery.

Grace stood beside the gurney, holding my hand. We barely spoke; we didn’t have to. We already knew how much we loved one another, and that was all that mattered at this point.

I knew we were both terrified too. Grace tried to be brave, but her face was white, and her hand trembled ever so slightly in mine. And every now and then, her eyes would well up with tears, and she would turn her head and quickly blink them back. I just pretended not to notice, for I knew she was trying to hide them from me, not wanting me to know how scared she was.

But I already knew, and I was terrified too. Not just of dying, but of losing Grace, of leaving her behind. I had just gotten her back; I couldn’t be separated from her again. And what would she do if I died? She would be heartbroken. I would hate to cause her all that pain.

But it was out of my control. My life was in the hands of a team of skilled surgeons… and more importantly, God.

I closed my eyes and silently said a prayer, asking God to make the surgery a success, to let Grace and I be together for longer. And after that prayer, I said another, begging the Lord to watch over Grace if it was indeed my time to die.

I could feel tears rising in my own eyes, and I quickly blinked them away, for the same reason Grace had.

“I love you,” I whispered suddenly to her, squeezing her hand. We had said that phrase so many times over the last few hours, but it would never hurt to tell her again. If something went wrong during surgery, it could be the last time I would ever get to say it to her, the last time she would ever hear it from me.

“I love you too,” she responded, turning away again to blink back tears.

“It’s okay to cry, Gracie. You don’t have to hide it,” I murmured.

She turned back to face with, her eyes shiny with tears. “I’m just so afraid of losing you,” she cried. “How could I live without you? I can’t even imagine it!”

“Don’t try to imagine it,” I said softly. “Keep praying and don’t give up on me. I’m gonna fight, Grace, as hard as I can. I want to be with you more than anything. I’m not ready to die yet.”

She stifled back a sob, just as a man in scrubs walked up.

“Hi, Mr. Littrell, I’m Ron, the anesthesiologist. We’re ready to take you into the OR now,” said the man.

“No,” Grace moaned, shaking her head, tears spilling down her cheeks.

I smiled grimly at her and gave her hand one final squeeze. “I love you,” I whispered, as Ron and a couple of orderlies wheeled my gurney out into the room.

“I love you too,” she whispered, squeezing my hand tightly.

As they wheeled me away, my grip was torn from her. I caught one last glimpse of her, standing there with tears in her eyes, looking like her heart was already breaking. And then, she disappeared, and I was wheeled on towards the operating room.

***

“Can I show you to the waiting room, honey?”

Grace looked over at the nurse who had come up beside her. “Sure,” she said numbly.

“Okay, come with me,” the nurse replied, offering Grace a kind smile. She put her arm around Grace’s shoulders and led her down a hallway to a private little waiting area.

“Can I get you anything? Coffee? A soda? Something to eat?” she asked Grace.

“No thanks, I’m fine,” Grace replied. “I just need to be alone for awhile, I think.”

The nurse nodded understandingly. “Okay, well, you just sit here, and someone will be in later on to update you on your husband’s condition.”

He’s not my husband, Grace thought, but she didn’t say anything. She realized the thought of being Brian’s wife was a nice one. Maybe once Brian had recovered, they could talk about marriage. It was a big step, but even though they had only been dating for a year, she was ready to marry him. After all, they had known each other forever, and Brian was not only Grace’s boyfriend; he was her best friend as well.

***

I felt like I was floating, like I was light as a feather. Looking around, I found myself in a sterile white room. In the center of the room was a table, and one the table was a man. I couldn’t get a good look at him because of the group of people hovering over him, all wearing scrubs, gowns, hats, masks, gloves, the whole works. Monitors at the head of the table beeped wildly, as the doctors and nurses scurried around, crying out medical gibberish.

“He’s in V-fib!” one shouted.

“Internal paddles!” another barked.

I watched with interest, as they tried to resuscitate the patient lying on the operating table. I stepped closer, curious. To my surprise, none of the operating team even noticed me. I got even closer, to get a good look at the man. As I came up to the head of the table, I caught sight of his face. And my mouth dropped open.

I was looking at myself. The man on the table was me!

I stumbled backwards, a strange feeling coming over me. I wasn’t shocked or scared. I felt strangely peaceful.

I slowly turned around, and a bright light suddenly appeared in front of me. It was not painfully bright, like the sun. It was different, a kind of light I had never seen before.

Intrigued by it, I walked towards it, as if it were a magnet, drawing me closer and closer. As I entered the light, I felt completely calm and at peace. The light enveloped me, and I was taken away from the operating room, and into a whole different world.

***

Grace looked up suddenly, when a soft knock came at the closed door of the waiting room. Before she could get up to open it, it opened slowly, and the same nurse from before poked her head in the door.

“I’m sorry to bother you, honey, but this was sent up from the ER. It’s just Brian’s clothes and things that they had to take off of him when he was brought in,” the nurse said, handing Grace a big, white plastic bag.

“Thanks,” Grace said, taking the bag from the nurse and setting it down beside her.

“You’re welcome,” the nurse replied and left again, shutting the door behind her.

Grace poked through the bag. She pulled out the jeans Brian had been wearing. They were practically shredded, for the paramedics had cut them off of him. She pulled out the sweatshirt he had had on, and his coat, shoes, and boxers. At the bottom of the bag, she found his keys and wallet.

She put the wallet and keys into her purse and shoved the cut up jeans, sweatshirt, and boxers back into the bag. Then she fingered the coat, a heavy, brown leather jacket. She lifted it up and sniffed it. The smell of leather and of Brian’s cologne gave her some comfort.

As she went to drape the jacket over the chair beside her, something dropped out of one of the pockets. She put down the coat and bent over to pick up the fallen object.

It was a small, black velvet box, like a jewelry box. With trembling hands, Grace slowly opened it. She gasped at what gleamed up at her from the satin folds inside the box, and tears immediately came to her eyes.

It was a ring. A beautiful, glistening, diamond engagement ring.

***

“Brian,” a soft, gentle voice whispered. It was a familiar voice, one I knew very well.

I looked up in awe. “Leigh?” I asked breathlessly. Standing just feet away from me was Leighanne.

She smiled at me, looking even more beautiful than she had looked in life. “Brian,” she said again, her voice sounding like music to my heart.

“Leigh… am I dead?” I asked.

“Medically speaking, yes,” she replied gently. “The doctors are still trying to resuscitate you. But as long as your soul stays here, they won’t be able to.”

“Am I in Heaven?” I asked, looking around me in wonder.

“Not quite. You’re at Heaven’s doors, figuratively. If you enter Heaven, there’s no going back. Right now, you’re sort of in between. If you fight, you can live. You can go back to Earth and live the rest of your life. But if you don’t fight, you will die, and you will go to Heaven.”

“And then I’d be with you,” I said softly, smiling at her.

She smiled sadly at me. “Yes,” she said. “But then Grace would be alone.”

“Grace.” I whispered her name, and her face appeared in my mind. How could I leave Grace behind? But then again, I had a chance to be with Leighanne again, for forever. But I loved Grace too. I had just bought her engagement ring. I was planning on proposing to her in two days, on Valentine’s Day.

I felt torn, torn between two women I loved more than anything. Yet, ultimately, I would have to make one decision and choose one of them. I could give up on life and spend eternity with Leighanne. Or I could survive and be with Grace for the rest of my life on Earth.

“Brian,” Leighanne said gently. “Go with Grace. You’ve loved her practically forever. She’s the one.”

“But I love you too,” I protested.

“I know that,” Leighanne replied, smiling. “And I love you. But so does Grace. She needs you, Brian. Go to her.”

I swallowed hard, tears filling my eyes. “I’ll always love you, Leigh. No matter what happened, you’ll always stay in my heart.”

“I know,” she said. “Same here. And one day, we’ll be reunited again. But it shouldn’t be now. You’re a young man, Brian. You deserve to live the rest of your life in happiness.”

“So did you,” I replied sadly.

“No,” she countered. “This was my fate. And yours is to marry Grace and spend your life making her happy, not me. Everything happens for a reason, you know, and that’s it.”

I wiped a tear from my eye and stepped forward. I gingerly reached out to Leighanne and touched her hand. Surprisingly, she was solid, and so was I. I gently wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close to me. “I never got to hold you one last time,” I whispered, relishing in the moment.

“I know,” she whispered back, putting her arms around me.

After only a few minutes, she pulled back. “You have to go now, Brian,” she said sorrowfully.

“Already?”

“Yes. Grace is waiting for you. Go on now.”

I nodded and slowly turned around, walking towards the light once again. I turned back once. “I love you, Leigh.”

“I love you too, Brian. I’ll always be here for you to watch over you. Have a nice life.”

I smiled tearfully and nodded. “Thank you,” I whispered, and continued on my way, for it was too painful to look back again.

As I walked into the light, I closed my eyes, and the light turned to darkness.

***

“Excuse me, Miss Myers?”

Grace’s head shot up to see Dr. Robertson standing just inside the waiting room. She hadn’t even heard him come in.

“How did it go?” she asked, a tremble running through her voice. She clasped her hands together tightly in her lap as she anxiously awaited his response.

”We had some complications along the way, but everything’s all right now,” he replied. “Brian’s a lucky guy. We fixed the internal bleeding, and although his condition is very serious, I expect he’ll make a full recovery.”

Grace’s breath came out in a long whoosh, as she sighed with relief, feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. “Oh, thank you so much, Dr. Robertson,” she said gratefully.

“You’re welcome, Miss Myers,” he replied, offering her a smile. “Brian will be in Recovery for a few hours so we can monitor him, and then he’ll be moved into ICU. You can see him then.”

“Okay,” Grace said, nodding. Glancing down at the sparkling diamond on her finger, she smiled. She couldn’t wait to talk to Brian.

***

When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was Grace. A feeling of relaxation came over me, knowing I was alive, and she was there with me.

“Brian,” she said softly, smiling down at me. “How ya doing, honey?” Before I even tried to speak, she quickly added, “Don’t answer that. They’ve got you on a vent to help you breathe for now, so you can’t talk anyway.”

I managed a small, lopsided smile, which was as best I could do with the tube of the ventilator sticking of my mouth. I wanted to talk to her, to tell her how much I loved her, to ask her to marry me right then and there. But it would have to wait.

Grace reached up and gently caressed my cheek. Her hand felt soft and cool on my skin. As she pulled her hand back down, something shiny caught my eye. I weakly reached out and took her hand, bringing it up to where I could see it better. And there, on her ring finger, was the diamond ring I had just bought for her that afternoon.

I looked at her in confusion, and she smiled. “They gave me your clothes and stuff, and it fell out of your coat pocket,” she said. “I’m sorry, maybe I should have just put it back.”

I managed to shake my head slightly and gave her hand a squeeze, hoping to let her know it was all right, that I wanted her to have it now. Gathering my strength together, I pointed to myself, then held my thumb, index finger, and pinkie up in the love sign, and pointed to her. I love you.

A smile lit up Grace’s face. “I love you too,” she whispered. “And even though you haven’t officially asked yet, yes, I will marry you.”

I smiled as best I could, and my eyes sparkled. Although my body was in pain, my heart was exultant. I took my fiancée’s hand in mine and gave it a light squeeze, knowing that everything was going to be all right.

***

Lyrics taken from LeAnn Rimes’ “How Do I Live”

Next

Back to index