There’s
Evil Afoot!
By Kate
Cast of Characters:
Brian as BackstreetMan
Kevin as BackstreetBoy
AJ as AJ
Nick as Nick
Howie as The Receptionist
Chris Kirkpatrick as The Lunch Lady
Act I;
Scene I
(AJ and Nick are outside of a nursing home after watching
their favorite old TV show, “BackstreetMan and BackstreetBoy”. The
old stars, they are told, are living there.
They enter the nursing home and face the front desk where Howie sits.)
AJ: (lifting
only his head and eyes above the front edge of the desk) Psst. I hear BackstreetMan and BackstreetBoy
are working here… (lifts eyebrows twice)
undercover.
Howie: (raises a brow and then winks a few times) Yeah…well,
I’ll see if they can take time out of their busy
schedule to see you guys.
(Howie stands up and leads AJ and Nick over to the door of
the activity room. They walk inside and
Howie points to two older men, Brian and Kevin, sitting in front of a TV.)
Howie: There they are, watching TV. (Whispering) Try not to startle ‘em. (Howie winks back to the reception desk)
(AJ and Nick slowly creep over to the TV and come out from
behind it. They block the view and begin
to giggle. Brian and Kevin’s eyes open a
little more as they do.)
Brian: Are those the guys that are comin’ to fix the
TV?
Nick: Are you BackstreetMan
and BackstreetBoy??
Kevin: (very slowly) Well, we…used…to…be. But…now…we’re…retired.
(AJ and Nick both gasp.)
Nick: RETIRED?!
You guys can’t be retired! There’s evil afoot!
(Brian’s eyes get wide.)
Brian: (softly) Evil? (shouting) EEEEEVVIIIILLLLL!!!!
(Brian leaps up and runs around the room. He leaps on an artificial tree and hangs
there, trembling. AJ, Nick, and Kevin
all watch in amazement.)
Nick:
All I said was, ‘There’s evil afoot’!
Brian: EEEEEEEVVVIIIIIILLLLLLL!!!!!!! (he jumps off the tree and onto a
drinking fountain. He begins to pull on
the top, shouting quickly:) Evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil,
evil!! (he pulls the top off and water sprays in his face.)
Kevin: (gives Nick a disgusted look) Would…you…stop…saying…that?!
Howie: (slamming
the door open angrily) What is going on in here?!? (He winks
a couple of times)
Kevin:
Get…these…two… (points at AJ and Nick, who stand there with stupid grins
on their faces) outta…here!
(Howie drags AJ and Nick out of the nursing home and shoves
them out the door.)
AJ: It’s too bad BackstreetBoy
and BackstreetMan are old.
Nick: What are you talking about? Old people are the best! They’re full of wisdom and experience. (A movie
clip of Mr. Magoo plays. He winks and gives a thumbs
up) We need to get them out of retirement. Someone, somewhere is in trouble, and I won’t
rest until BackstreetMan and BackstreetBoy
are out of retirement!
(Fireworks explode above; AJ points at them)
AJ: Ooh…Pretty lights.
Act I; Scene II
(In the lunchroom, Brian and Kevin are getting their
meals. They hold up their trays to the
salad and receive a small bowl of salad.)
Brian:
To the meatloaf!
(They walk over to the meatloaf and get a glob of it.)
Brian:
To the broccoli!
(They walk to the broccoli and get a few pieces. Brian stands on his toes, trying to reach the
lunch lady.)
Brian: Make sure my young apprentice gets some extra broccoli. The boy needs his vitamins.
(Kevin approaches the broccoli and holds up his tray.)
Chris: There you go. (He empties
out a whole bag of frozen broccoli on his plate)
Kevin: Chris….. I….thought…you…were…dead…after…Justin…cut…off…your…hair.
Chris: Well it never grew back. The only way I survived was to cut off
Lance’s hair.
Kevin: No…wonder….you…look….like…Lancth.
Chris: You’ve been reading Sailor Meats again,
haven’t you?
Kevin: Yeah.
(Brian speaks up.)
Brian: To the table! Away!
(They sit down and begin to eat. Nick walks in the
door. Nick slowly comes up from under
the table.)
Brian: Oh, there’s the TV repairman.
Kevin: What…do…you…want?
Nick: Do you remember the time when the food
supply in the Backstreet Market was running low? So you created Joey Fat-One to regurgitate
and restore what he’d eaten! But then,
the evil JC stole the Fat-One and began to spread spew all over Orlando! (he lunges
for a table) And he starts sucking on the glass! (Nick begins to suck on the
table. The old lady picks up her plate
and moves away.)
Kevin: What’s…your…point?
Nick: You guys are the greatest heroes on
earth, and I think you should come out of retirement.
Howie: (comes in, winking) What’s going on?!
Brian: By the power vested in me, I pronounce
you man and wife! (he points
at Nick, who’s resumed sucking on the table) You may
kiss the bride!
(Nick is thrown all the way out to AJ’s house, who waits
expectantly.)
AJ: Did you do it?
Nick: No, but I’m married.
Act II; Scene I
(We see Brian and Kevin in rocking chairs outside. They
rock slowly.)
Brian: Up, up, and away! (He rocks faster as he says “Away”.) Up, up, and away! Up, up, and
away!
Nick: (walks on scene, dressed as a girl in
heavy makeup. His lipstick is smeared
and he holds a purse. He speaks with a southern accent) Oh, my. This purse is just so
darned heavy!
AJ: (he approaches Nick, wearing a black
mask with a black condom, black shirt, and blank pants) I’ll take that, Ma’am! (He grabs
the purse and runs away to hide)
Nick: (gives a high-pitched scream) OOOHHHHHH!! Hey-alp! Hey-alp!
(Kevin walks over, glaring)
Kevin: (shouts)
Qui…..et! You’ll…wake…up…Backstreet…Man!
Nick: (appears beside Brian, who sits still
with his eyes open) Ever alert, BackstreetMan
has trained himself to sleep with his eyes open!
Brian: (wakes up and shouts at Kevin) What’s all the noise out there??
Kevin: It’s….not….me….you….old….coot!
(A chorus of various voices arise)
Justin: Yes?
Lance: That’s me.
Chris:
I’m over here.
Nick: (taps Kevin on the shoulder) This’ll
cheer you up. We’re almost done painting
your InvisibleMobile!
(AJ stands there with a brush covered
in black paint. A car is beside him,
crudely painted black.)
Kevin:
It’s…supposed…to…be…in…vi…si…ble! (He turns to Brian who is by his side) That’s…it.
Time…to…come…out…of…re…tire…ment! There’s…evil…afoot!
Brian: (softly) Evil? (Screams)
EEEEEEEEEEVVIIILLLLL!!!! (He sweats and pants heavily. Asks in a scared voice:) Where is it?
Kevin: (points at
Nick and AJ, who stand there with blank looks.
AJ’s tongue sticks out) There! (He brings
out a gold case) You…know…what…this...means? (He opens
it and two rings stick out. They give off a yellow glow.)
Brian: Doughnuts!
Kevin: No! (He sticks
a ring on Brian’s index finger and the other on his own)
(They swing their hands at each other.
They miss and then give a few practice swings. They swing and hit, but nothing
happens. Kevin glares at Brian.)
Kevin: Say…the…oath!
Brian: (in a
younger, more powerful voice) BackstreetMan
and BackstreetBoy, unite! (Fanfare)
Act II; Scene II:
(Brian and Kevin glare at AJ and Nick)
Kevin:
Throw…a…meat…ball…at…them!
(Brian chucks a meatball at AJ. AJ takes the condom off his head and thwaps it away.)
Brian: Leapin’ NSYNC! He hit it away with an evil-looking
condom! It must’ve been on Justin!! (Starts to
panic)
Kevin: No…time…to…panic, BackstreetMan! Dog…paddle…away!
(They throw themselves on the ground
and crawl over to Nick and AJ. They circle them for a few days until there is a
deep rut in the ground. Brian and Kevin pop out.)
Brian: Crazy Lancth!!
They’ve managed to stay on the little piece of land!
(AJ and Nick leap over one side of the
rut and blink a few times.)
Brian: Quick, BackstreetBoy! The Odorizer!!
(Brian and Kevin squat slightly and
squeeze their eyes tightly. Kevin passes
gas, which knocks out AJ and Nick. Kevin
and Brian take them and toss them out to Nick’s house. Nick and AJ both wake up
on impact.)
Nick: We did it, AJ! Mission accomplished!
(Back at the nursing home…)
Brian: We did it! Oh, I feel five years younger!
Kevin: (shaking
hands with Brian) We…did…it…you…old…coot.
Brian: Who are you?
Act
III; Scene I
(A few months later, AJ and Nick are watching TV. It shows Brian and Kevin sitting at a table
with a game of checkers. Brian makes a
move, then Kevin. Brian begins to sweat, and then the phone rings.)
Brian: It’s the
Rescue Phone! (He walks over to a desk
and picks up the receiver) Hello? (Small
chatter can be heard from the caller) Hello?? Hellooooooo? Hmm. (he
hangs up) Remind me to get that fixed.
(He sits down)
Kevin:
Remind…you…to…what?
Brian: Remind me
of who?
(The show ends, and AJ and Nick grin at each other.)
AJ: Wow…that
was even better than the old show.
Nick: All thanks to us! (He gives a thumps up and winks)
The End
