Chapter
15:
I Know That We Have Been Through So
Much Pain, But I Still Need You In My Life This Time
I glanced across the
room at Kevin, who raised a dark eyebrow at me.
I knew what he was thinking—I was thinking it too. Here we are, two grown men, and we’re
watching some PG movie at a sleepover.
Sure, it was at Alex’s, but Brian and Nicky had rented the movie, and 3
Ninjas was just not what I had in mind.
It was the first
weekend following tour and the five of us were sprawled all over our sleeping
bags in the family room. Denise had
given Alex permission to have us all over for the night, I think, because she
wanted to cheer him up. (She’d also
begun working nights in addition to her normal schedule, and I think it just
made her feel better to have us there, in case something came up.)
“Hey Alex,” Nick
called. “You be Colt, Brian can be Rocky
and I’ll be Tum-Tum, okay?” He looked
WAY too excited about this.
“Why do I gotta be
the horse?” Alex whined.
“’Cause you’re
skinny, and you’re in the middle of me and Brian.” Nick answered, his face
serious.
“Come on,
guys! BJ and Aaron and me always do
it!” Nick mentioned a few of his
siblings in desperation, to show that they played it, too. No need to mention that Aaron was merely six
years old. “And I HAVE to be Tum-Tum,
cause I’m the youngest! And Brian, no
switching either! You HAVE TO stay Rocky
all the time, ‘cause you’re the oldest, and you’re name’s B-Rok,” Nick
announced, to make sure that everyone understood that the role-playing was
mandatory.
I nodded at Kevin slightly, and the
two of us left and took over Denise’s kitchen.
He raided the fridge and I took out the popcorn popper and started
making some. Eventually, Kev found some
cokes when I pointed him to the McLean’s secret stash. I was just reaching out to unplug the popper
when I heard commotion going on in the other room. At first I just thought it was the guys
messing around, but something in me decided otherwise and I headed in to see
what was going on.
“I oughta kick the crap out of you!”
Alex exclaimed. “What the hell,
Nick?” Alex was flushed and breathing
hard. His eyes flashed with anger, and
he had evidently bloodied Nick’s mouth before the screaming started.
“Alex, lay off him,” Brian
interrupted. “He’s just a kid!”
“Stay out of this, Brian! It ain’t your fight! You didn’t think twice before you kicked
Kevin’s ass!” Alex seethed.
“What are you
after him for?” Brian asked, impatiently waiting for an answer. “We were just messin’ around, Jay. You were, too!”
“The idiot jumped on my back,
Rok! Why the hell do you think I wanna
hit him?” After saying it, Alex drew an arm back, in another attempt to connect
with Nicky’s face. Nick cowered while I
grabbed Alex’s fist and held him back.
“Jay,” I warned. “Don’t even think about it! What’s Nick’s mama gonna say when he comes
home with his lip lookin’ like that?”
“I don’t care what she thinks! He deserves this, damn it!”
“No he doesn’t,” I
said, feeling like I was talking to a wall.
“You know that no matter what someone does they don’t deserve to get
hurt.”
Eventually, Alex
was somewhat calmer and Nick had some ice for his mouth. (It wasn’t really that serious, it just bled
a lot.) When all the big stuff was taken
care of, though, I found myself glaring angrily at Nick. But Brian actually beat me to the punch, so
to say.
“Kaos, I know we
were just playin’ but you oughta know better than jumpin’ on Alex.” To my surprise, Brian’s tone was completely
serious as he scolded Nick.
“How am I supposed
to know better? Tell me that! Alex did it to me the other night in the
hotel!” Nick balked, tears were pooling in his eyes.
“Nick,
listen.” Kevin said mildly from the
doorway.
“You know what,
Nick?” I asked, none-too-kindly, cutting Kevin off, “You didn’t get a bullet
through the back! So, don’t go blaming
Alex for your mistakes! Use your head!” In a matter of a few minutes, I had become
furious at Nick’s stupidity, and his blaming Alex just put it over the top.
Nick had begun
losing control somewhere when I’d been yelling at him, now he was biting his
fat lip hard to keep his emotions inside.
Somehow, the sight of him crying now just made me more upset with him.
“You’re crying
now, huh?” I asked bitterly. “You’re so
selfish, you know that? I didn’t see you
cry one bit during all the time we were waiting to hear about Alex. You weren’t upset then! Why you cryin’ now? I’ll tell you why. ‘Cause YOU’RE hurt, damn it! Don’t you feel anything for anybody besides
yourself?”
“Yes! Why are all y’all on my case tonight? I didn’t do it on purpose! I wasn’t there, I don’t know some of the
stuff y’all know!” Nick exclaimed. His
cheeks were bright red, as if he suddenly was running a temperature. He turned to Alex who was sitting on the
couch silently, taking it all in with a blank expression.
“I’m sorry! You know I didn’t mean to do that. It’s my fault.”
Staring, his face
expressionless, Alex barely moved at Nick’s comment. I guess this was too much for Nicky. Because he got right in front of him and
started really crying—the way all of us had—all except for Nick.
“Alex, I don’t get
you, man. I KNOW this is hard on
you. I can see that. And I DID care when I was at the hospital
with the guys I just didn’t know what to do!
I mean, Howie told me about what happened and I couldn’t believe that
anyone did that to you! I know you don’t
know me so well as Howie, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care!” Nick took a
ragged breath and continued.
“Don’t take this
wrong, okay? ‘Cause I know you’re not
real sure about diving back in your old personality—I can see it freaks you
out. You’ve been through so much pain
and all. But I need you back, Alex. You’re not who you used to be. Where did you go?”
“I don’t know.”
Alex whispered, his voice hoarse. “I
don’t know how to get it back.”
None of us knew
how to respond to that. Slowly, we all
turned our attention back to the screen, though none of us felt much like
watching now. We were all just
dumbfounded. I never expected to go off
on Nick, and I never expected Nick to react the way he did.
I was sorry. I really was.
But I was completely at a loss as to how to make it up to him. And he was the first to fall asleep.
The rest of us
began to drop off a couple hours later.
Alex went to crash in his room, since Denise wasn’t too crazy about him
camping on the floor with his back the way it was, and Kevin, Brian and I
picked up popcorn and coke cans before we all crawled in our sleeping bags for
the night.
I’d been asleep
for a few hours when I heard a whimper.
Sleepily I tried to tune it out, but soon I realized that it wasn’t
going away. Brian and Kevin were on
either side of me, and I kicked each one, trying to rouse them, so they could
find out what was wrong. It was
hopeless. Kevin just turned over—he
sleeps like a log, and Brian mumbled something I couldn’t understand.
I stepped over
Kevin and went tiredly down the hall to Alex’s room, and saw him fast
asleep. Rubbing my eyes, I pulled his
door closed and started back down the hall to my nest on the floor.
I was almost there
when I saw a restless form across the room and remembered Nicky. I had no clue what could be causing him so
much trouble. Brian told me once that
Nick was scared of the dark, but I doubted it was true. But maybe it was.
Quietly, I
approached Nick and whispered his name.
He didn’t say anything back, but seemed to get antsier. I flipped on the lamp on the side table and
saw that Nick was all tangled up in his sleeping bag, still moving around and
moaning.
I got down next to
him and shook his shoulder. “Nick. .
.Wake up, kid. It’s Howie. It’s just a bad dream. . . It’s okay.”
Nick came awake
all of a sudden, seeming real panicky about something. Looking at him then, his hair matted and
falling in his eyes and sweat coming off his face, I was extra sorry for the
mean things I said earlier. I waited a
minute in case he wanted to say something.
And when he did, my heart went to my throat.
“Alex.”
“I know,” I heard
myself saying, “I have bad dreams about him, too.”
For some reason,
he seemed to relax at this. Sitting up,
he leaned heavily against me and I slung an arm around him. “You know,” I ventured, “I didn’t mean what I
said tonight. You’re a good kid.” I waited for him to pull away but it didn’t
happen.
Nick leaned into
me even more and mumbled “Mmm-hmm,” so I slowly took his shoulders and laid him
down again.
I went back to my
spot between Brian and Kevin, but discovered that Brian had somehow managed to
sprawl himself across my sleeping bag while he was sill inside his own. I smiled, going over to the couch, and left
the light on.
***
