Chapter
9:
Don’t Wanna Lose You Now, or Ever
Again
I wasn't aware of
any time passing, but it must have because the next thing I knew, Denise was
next to me. She held me and asked what
happened to Alex. I tried to explain, but couldn't manage much other than what
I had already said.
A doctor came in a
while after Denise got there and explained Alex’s condition to us. He had been shot in the back, but the bullet
had gotten lodged somewhere inside, and emergency surgery was performed
immediately because his condition was so critical. It was discovered that one lung had been
punctured, and that the bullet had messed up a significant amount of small
intestine, which had to be removed.
Then, the doctor told us that we were allowed to go see Alex. Actually it was only her and I that went in
to see him. I guess Alex wasn't really
aware enough to realize that all of us were there.
When I went into
Alex’s room, I was stunned. He was laid
out in the bed totally still. He wasn’t
wearing anything typical of Alex. But that
wasn’t what made me so upset. I was
upset because I still saw the fear in his eyes.
Denise approached
his bed from one side, and I did the same from the other. We each held one of his hands. They were shaking. He looked like a ghost, that’s how pale he
was.
“I’m right here,
sweetie,” Denise said.
“Yeah, Jay,” I
agreed. I wasn’t sure what else I could
say. I knew by looking at some of the
monitors he was hooked up to that he was kind of agitated. He squeezed my hand and some of the beeping
got faster.
“Howie. Damn, Howie, it hurts,” he whimpered. All his words ran together so I was pretty
sure the nurses had him on a lot of medicine for pain. Talking was still difficult for him, because
of the lung damage on one side, but he sure was managing to let us know how he
was doing.
“I know, bud. Just try to rest. Me and your mom are gonna be right here,
okay?” I saw tears come down his cheeks and I felt like the biggest loser in
the world. If I could’ve taken his
place, I would have.
“Listen to Howie,”
Denise told Alex, smoothing his hair.
The platinum blond color looked like it belonged in another lifetime.
Obediently, Alex
shut his eyes but five minutes later he was awake again, checking to see that
both his mother and I were still there with him. His pain was intense, and I almost had to leave
the room when he cried out because it was too much for him to take.
“Please, make it
stop,” he begged. “I need
something. Please make it stop! Help me!
God! I can’t, please make it go
away,” Alex sounded borderline incoherent.
The nurses had just given him stuff for the pain and he wouldn’t get any
more for another hour. That amount of
time seemed unbearable.
I sighed and then
a thought came in my head. As I was
gripping Alex’s hand, I started to sing.
Instinctively I knew that “O Holy Night” would not be a good choice as
nice of a song as it is. So I chose
another one.
“There’s a hero if you look inside your
heart. You don’t have to be afraid of
what you are. There’s an answer if you
reach into your soul and the sorrow that you know will melt away.” I was
thinking how grateful I was for my naturally high voice. I didn’t have to strain too much, like Alex
did when he pretended to be Mariah.
Strange, the thoughts that went through my head then. Some of the beeping sounds lessened and Denise
nodded at me encouragingly.
“Mine,” Alex
gasped trying to smile.
“Yeah, I know
that’s your solo,” I agreed. “But it’s
not every day you have me to serenade you.
Now hush and close your eyes.” I
picked up the song at the chorus. “And then a hero comes along with the
strength to carry on and you’ll cast your fears aside, and you know you can
survive. So when you feel like hope is
gone, look inside you and be strong. And
you’ll finally see the truth, that a hero lies in you.” I had tears in my eyes again, realizing how
true those words really were about Alex.
I didn’t want to
do the next verse. Memories of Alex in
the practice room holding Nick’s hand were too fresh in my mind. But in that silence even though it was small,
all his monitors decided to go haywire.
Denise looked at me, pleading with her eyes, and I knew I had to keep
going.
“It’s a long road when you face the world
alone. No one reaches out a hand for you
to hold.” Alex gripped my hand
tighter and I choked back a sob. “You can
find love if you reach within yourself.
And the emptiness you felt will disappear.” I sang the chorus again, and my voice was
starting to give, because my throat was tight with tears.
Alex’s breathing
started getting even, and I kept singing to make sure it stayed that way. “Lord
knows dreams are hard to follow but don’t let anyone tear them away! Hold on, there will be tomorrow. In time you’ll find the way.”
As I finished, I
glanced across the bed again at Denise.
She was crying. Well, at least
Alex had stopped. He was sleeping pretty
well it looked like. His hands still
kinda shook, but he seemed better.
I left the room
once Denise said I could and went back to the guys. Brian was there now with his parents. He looked a little spacey, but at least he
wasn’t talking about washing his hands anymore.
“He’s all right,”
I said quietly. “In a lot of pain, but
he’s hangin’ in there.” Nick looked
relieved but I saw a shadow of something flash in Brian’s eyes. I knew he was upset that I wasn’t saying
more. I knew that even though he wasn’t
crazy about hospitals, he felt cheated out of going to see Alex. Kevin still looked weepy.
Eventually the
rest of the guys went home. I stayed the
first night at the hospital, even though Denise said I didn’t have to. I went in to see Alex a couple more times,
and he kept moaning in his sleep. I
wanted to go find his doctor and smash his face in for making Alex seemingly
suffer more than he had to. I felt
helpless as I realized there was little I could do for him.
So I did the only
thing I could do. I prayed. I prayed by myself, I prayed with Denise, I
prayed in the chapel. More than anything
I asked that Alex would be okay, and then I asked that his pain be taken
away.
***
