Chapter 14
She had
reassured herself that her grandmother was asleep, but still out of impulse she
looked through the door one more time to make sure she was alone. She walked up
the wooden stairs into the attic. Her nostrils were filled with the smell of
old and mildew. She switched on the light bulb above her head so she could get
a better look around the room. She right away recognized her mother’s
belongings in the far left corner to the room all in boxes tagged with a P for
her mothers name. She remembered helping her aunt put them up here not to long
ago, well since they found out that her mother would be in the hospital more
time than expected. So she was forced to move out of the apartment she and her
mother shared. Her mother was always protective with some of her stuff, she
never let her go through her stuff and even now when she was packing their
belongings her aunt did not let her pack her mothers. Now here she was alone in
the attic with all of her mother’s belongings; she took a deep breath and
opened the first box only to find her mothers clothes and jewelry. She took out
the shirt her mother wore a lot while she did chores in the house, she smiled as
she read what it said “I AM A PROUD PARENT” in bold black letters. She held it
tight to her face trying to imagine it was her mother giving her a butterfly
kiss on her forehead before going to bed. God she really missed her mother and
their talks about everything in general it didn’t matter what it was about, her
mother always made it a good conversation; unless it involved her father… She
started looking through the jewelry box and couldn’t help but cry as she saw
the beaded necklace she had given her mother many years ago. She had made it
herself at the age of six and was so proud of it she had given to the most
special person she could think of, her mother. After she calmed down a little
she put on the necklace and continued to the next box with the letter P….
********
“Your mother called and told me that
you’re not doing good Ricky. She also told me this all started since you met
this girl in school.” He looked at his nephew straight in the eye as he spoke,
he was a great kid but lately he wasn’t doing good he was turning in his
schoolwork late and he was missing a lot of classes. Victor was worried for his
nephew; he didn’t want him to turn out like his sleazy brother in law.
“I had a feeling that sooner or later
mom would do this! Call you up and tell you that I am in the verge of failing
and what not. But let me be clear uncle Vick I am ok nothing is wrong, I am
drug free, my grades are good, and every game we’ve won. So I might have turned
some work in late but I worked it out with my teachers. I might have missed
some days but I only do it because I know it won’t hurt my grades. Just relax
ok I am not going to run out on mom like dad did ok.” He was frustrated his
uncle always trying to be his father figure ever since his father left him, his
brother and mom; just a year after they were born. He understood that he was
being protective over his younger sister and them, but sometimes it just made
things worse. He did love his uncle very much because without him they would
probably be in poverty and mostly likely his mother would be working more than
one job to keep up with their expenses. For this he had to leave Amber’s side;
to hear how he should not take education for granted.
“I’m not saying that you are Ricky,
its just your mom really cares about you and Ralph. She doesn’t want you to get
hurt. Look just promise me that you will not miss anymore days of school and
that you’ll try and spend sometime with your mom she feels like you don’t love
her anymore because you’re always out doing this and that.” He gave his nephew
a sincere squeeze on the shoulder and a sly smile as he asked him, “So whose
this girl I here is taking a lot of your time?”
“Oh, she’s awesome uncle Vick; she is
very funny and smart you know. I met her in homeroom she was new and well I
kind of started talking to her as friends but as we continued talking I felt a
connection. So we started dating a little while back, but lately she’s been a
depressed because of what happened to her mom.”
“Oh, yeah? What’s her name son?” asked
Victor as he poured some more coffee in his cup.
“Amber Fernandez, you don’t know her
uncle she moved here from Mexico City. Her mother finally decided to settle
down in one place that place being here the Big D.” His eyes brighten as he
talked about Amber to his uncle.
Victor listened to his nephew talk
about this young girl and how great she was. But all he could think of was this
girl’s last name FERNANDEZ; just like Pamela’s……last name. It had been 17 years
and not once had he heard anything about her, it was like she had vanished into
thin air. Last thing he had heard about her family was that her old man had
died from heart complications. But even then it was like Pamela did not exist,
she did not show up to her own father’s funeral. It was not like he cared
anyways.
************
The music in her headphones was so
touching to her, she felt the pain her mother felt in her heart… she stopped
reading the journal in her hand and listened close to the next song playing,
she froze in her bed and wiped away the tears in her eyes as she heard the soft
melody of the piano start followed by a beautiful voice:
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today…
The song was enticing to her…she
closed her eyes and listened carefully to the next lines of music…
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
She couldn’t hold her tears anymore as
she listened and realized this song made so much sense for the way her mother
felt toward her grandpa….she looked through the journal again and read over and
over how her mother blamed herself for her grandfather’s death…
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away
Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you
She hit the stop button as the song
ended and started to read again where she had left. She knew she was intruding
in her mother’s personal stuff but she needed answers and when her mother
couldn’t give them to her she had to find them on her own. After 10 boxes she
had found the jack pot a box with at least six journals all written by her mom.
She had started to read them in order but stopped and got the most recent one
to try and find the answers she was looking for and so far nothing. She had
also found a box full of CD’s her mother must have jamed to back in the days;
some original from the Artist it’s self and some were customized CD’s she must
have burned herself. She had to admit
her mom had a good taste in music. She closed the journal with frustration and
decided that may should she start from the beginning. She opened the first
journal dated July 10, 2005 as the first day it was used. She began reading:
July 10, 2005
I am very happy for my sister she is going to go UNT starting in
August. I can’t believe how well she is doing for her age… I am getting old
look at me I am engaged to Victor and will be married to him in by July of next
year. Dad says I am going to be a great wife and that he expects some grandkids
quick. I laugh I mean I still have a year to enjoy my single life well sort of…
I mean I am engaged. Man I am bored so I decided to write down some since I did
buy you for that purpose to tell someone or something my feelings. So guess
what Alex invited me and Gracie to their concert in Houston so we are driving
up there this weekend to see them. It will be fun I am sure, uhh… talking about
it he’s calling me, well I’ll talk to you later I have to answer this or Alex
will have a fit about how I never answer my phone.
July 15, 2005
I am in a hurry because we are about to leave to Houston but I had
to write down at least something. Victor was going to go with us but do to his
job wont be able to…I should say that sucks but I can’t I don’t know why? Well
I hope everything goes well on drive over to Houston. I will let you know how
it went later ok. Did I tell you that I am worried my dad has been getting very
tired lately and he complains of numbness on his right hand? I have scheduled
an appointment with his doctor I hope there is nothing serious going on with
his health. Ahh, I have to go my sister is ready to go. We have to head out.
ttyl… J
Amber was interrupted by a voices
coming from the living room; she quickly tried to hide everything she had taken
from the attic…
Song: Christina Aguilera “Hurt”
***
