Chapter 4

It was late, around 11:15 when Kevin, Nick and Brian returned back at AJ's house. Howie was already waiting for them when they returned home, hope shining in his eyes. "Any luck?!" he asked, looking past them hoping to see AJ. Kevin shook his head sadly, and disappointed. They had been out for an
hour, searching for AJ, no luck. He was gone again.

"Jeez, I shouldn't have yelled at him… he's probably laying somewhere-" Kevin grabbed the sides of his head to steady himself, not even wanting to think about AJ's possibilities. Nick opened his mouth to say something, but Kevin protested before he'd even begun. "You guys should go, maybe he'll come back on his own."

The boys stared worriedly at Kevin; He was worried as well, guilty and tired, eyes red and cracked. It was detectable that he'd probably been crying.

"Orright Kevin, um… call us if he turns up?" Brain started, searching for words to say. But nothing he could think of was likely to cheer Kevin up now. He nodded, waved them goodbye.

Standing up at the window, he watched their car roll down the driveway. "This is all my fault," Kevin said to himself, banging an aggravated fist against the window.

***

AJ was pissed, roaming Orlando like a lost sheep. He didn't care where he was going, what time it was, who cared where he was or who'd recognise him. He didn't care. This walk did him some good, he had to think. About everything, from start to finish.

Gradually, his anger begun to melt away, which left him confused, -and somewhat lost. Aaron had caused him so much pain; them all so much pain. He never meant to seem ungrateful, but apparently it didn't turn out that way. He wanted to help them, he owed them that much. There was nothing he could do to stop Aaron from hurting the remainders of the group, -Nick and Brian. It was late, and his vision was beginning to blur.

About to collapse from exhaustion and sleep, he staggered into the nearest place he could find...a bar. A rusty, barely noticeable bar. Loud and run down, the location was an opening to a warehouse looking facility, between an alley. He didn't care, he had to sit down.

The air was filled with alcohol and smoke, and the company was rather unusual, more like a biker hangout. Obese, drunken crackheads, shooting up heroine in the back of the bar. Didn't matter to him at all. He barely swayed over to an empty seat up at the counter and collapsed into it, buried in his arms. His career was over, his life, everything he worked so hard to achieve had been destroyed from the moment he broke down on the bus.

The guys...they attempted to help him save it-it didn't work, but at least they tried. He owed them his life, the rest of it anyway. Aaron and Johnny had already ruined his, Kevin's and now Howie's life, he wasn't gong to let them get Nick and Brian's. He was determined not to let them, but he was powerless, nothing he could do.

Hot itching tears gushed from his left eye and dripped onto his arm.

"Hey fella, you want anything?" a husky voice questioned form behind the counter. AJ shook his head instead of a vocal response. "How about one on the house, you look like you could use a drink."

"Whatever," he mumbled, shrugging. He didn't want to look up and be discovered sulking.

"Orright son," the man retorted, closing AJ's fingers around a shot glass. He already wasn't thinking straight, a drink was the last thing he needed. Upset and drowsy, he turned his head to the side to stare at a very large man, drunken and passed out. He glared at him for a while, shook his head at the sight.

He groaned, and through his blurred vision, he dropped his gaze to the man's belt. A large, shinny, silver handgun was jolting out of his belt, barely hanging on.

A gun, a weapon, a resort. AJ's eyes jumped from the gun to the man, out cold, unfeeling, dead to the world.

And for a brief second AJ remembered all the hell Aaron had put them through.

But a gun? Come on now, he was kidding himself, thinking maybe it was his only way out.

Trembling with fear and confusion, AJ reached an uncertain hand out and felt the cold metal barrel of the gun. He slid his fingers down to the gullet, the handle. His heart and his mind was racing, as he wrapped his fingers around the muzzle of the gun and slowly begun to slip it out of the man's belt, his sweaty hand sliding on the metal.

Then suddenly, his heart jerked his hand away, his conscience pleading with him to stop. He snatched his hand back, upset about even thinking about it.

More tears rolled down his cheeks but he didn't even notice. He banged his head against the counter, scolding himself. "AJ... AJ... what's wrong with me??" he whispered silently.

As if all were lost, a loud clang startled him. Jolting up, he wiped the tears out of his eyes and looked at the man again, - he had shifted position. But the gun had fallen from his belt and lay aiming at AJ, almost tempting him.

A million and one things raced through his mind that very instant, very negative thoughts, about Aaron, Johnny, his life. Indescribable, almost living a dream, a nightmare, his nightmare.

No one had even noticed the gun. AJ shook his head, trying to blot out the terrible depressing thoughts that surged through his brain, throbbing at his temples.

AJ finally made up his mind, this was ridiculous. Tossing back whatever it was in his shot glass, he slid off the chair and staggered out the bar.

***

Home, finally. AJ almost gave himself an ulcer thinking about all those terrible things in the bar. All was quiet inside his house, not a light was on and Howie's car was no longer in the driveway.

He tried the knob, which was luckily open. He didn't want to wake up Kevin and possibly continue the conversation they had earlier.

Kevin was passed out on his couch in a sitting position, evidently trying to wait up for him but failed within a few minutes. Not bothering to wake him up, he frowned and crept down the hall to his room. If only he knew how much he cared about him.

Helluva day he had today-or yesterday, it was 12:05. So many damned decisions he made. Decisions he might possibly regret later. He couldn't believe even he considered suicide. Right now he had other things on his mind besides that.

Disgruntled, aggravated, and tired, he slid open the top drawer of his dresser.

Sighing heavily, he reached into his jacket pocket and slithered out the handgun- then he strategically hid it in the back of the drawer.

***

Kevin slept more than half the morning. The entire night he had hallucinations, twisting and turning, fighting with himself on the couch, heart aching thinking AJ's possibilities. He knew well within himself that they were only nightmares, but it was the mere fact alone that one of them might actually be true.

And he was scared out of his mind, until he awoke screaming and sweating. Nothing stirred. Relieved that it was only an incubus, he slept a little bit easier.

***

Kevin, still believing that AJ wasn't home, hadn't moved from the couch hours after he'd gotten up. It was until AJ'd gotten up and accidentally made himself known.

At first, Kevin thought someone had broken in. But he was totally surprised when he came face to face with AJ.

"God! AJ!" he proclaimed ecstatically, throwing his arms around him. Everything AJ said to him yesterday and vice versa was completely forgotten at that moment. AJ pulled back away from him, surprised.

"AJ, we were so worried about you yesterday man! I'm sorry about everything I said, to you... I'm just glad you're ok..." Kevin exclaimed, trying to express how happy he was to see him.

"Yeah, me too," AJ mumbled.

Kevin smiled at him. "Good, great. Look, AJ you wanna go get something to eat? At McDonalds or something?" Kevin asked hopefully, gently slapping his arm.

AJ stared at him blankly, he didn't know what to say to Kevin. He had a lot of things on his mind, the last thing he wanted to do was go to McDonalds with him, they'd start talking, and he'd squeal about the gun for sure. He had to turn down Kevin in very nonchalant manor so not to be suspicious. Kevin frowned, worried about AJ's expressionless face and vacant eyes. He looked sick, he honestly looked sick. Red eyed and tired, ill humoured and melancholy.

"No, Kev. I'm kinda busy right now, you go ahead." Kevin blinked. Now he was worried something terrible.

"AJ, you ok?"

"Yeah, I just don't feel too good." By this time, AJ was feeling extremely disturbed, and hoped Kevin would leave soon.

"You're not having any...you know," Kevin asked, worried it might be one of his conditions.

"No, I don't think so," he replied, shaking his head. He stared at AJ for brief while before he left the room.

Kevin was a bit upset and worried. AJ was acting strange as hell, plus he turned down an invitation to McDonalds?! This wasn't AJ, it was like someone was trying to play his part. He felt very distant from him, they'd been together for years and they knew when something was upsetting the other. And something was upsetting AJ, he knew, but he didn't know what.

But Kevin had other things to worry about, for example, Aaron's lawsuit. That fucking pric.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to leave home without a bodyguard, but he honestly didn't feel like being protected. He wasn't even a Backstreet Boy anymore, it didn't matter he was a nobody.

He rolled up to the drive through and placed his order, waiting for the price. Heh. He remembered when all he had to do was smile and get away with an autograph.

Only it didn't work that way. He drove up to the window and the woman looked him dead in the eye, had him pay her. She didn't even crack a smile at him; that was like a kick in the ass for Kevin.

Not even recognised in his hometown. Maybe they didn't like him now that he quit, or perhaps they never really did care about him.

Sadly, he pulled up along side the building feeling unloved. He wasn't even a familiar face anymore. And to think, he was more popular now that before almost. He quit the group, he punched out Aaron Carter, plus the public was sure to find out about the lawsuit.

The lawsuit. Punching Aaron was the worst possible thing he could have done. But that asshole deserved it, he should have punched him again for AJ's sake- Thinking about it pissed him off so much you wouldn't believe. Maybe him and Aaron could rationalise, and possibly drop the lawsuit?

Without thinking twice, he called Aaron form his carphone, hope swelling within him with every ring. Or perhaps this wasn't such a good idea, knowing Aaron he'd probably-

"Hell-o?"

"A-Aaron?" He studdered.

"Yeah, who's this?"

"Um… this is Kevin?"

"Oh god. What the hell do you want sell out?"

Kevin clenched his teeth in anger, balling his fists. He was pissing him off already. But calmly, he continued.

"Look, um...about the lawsuit…"

"Oh! I see Cousin Brian gave you my letter."

"Yeah," Kevin rasped.

"Look, I was hoping you could come down here, and me and you could settle this somehow, you know, and not get the public involved."

Aaron sighed. Silence. Oh great, what was he thinking now? All that silence really worried Kevin. Maybe he should hang up, this was stupid, Aaron would never agree to something like that...

"Only if I bring my manager."

"Johnny?! No!" he yelled, pounding his fist against the dashboard. Wait, no, maybe Johnny would be a good idea. Catching himself, he said, "Why can't it just be me and you?"

Aaron started laughing. "Yeah right, so you can beat my ass? Forget it, it's Johnny or no deal."

Kevin winced. "Fine." He mumbled.

"Orright! Now we're talking business. What time and when should we meet Kevy?" Excited he studdered out a time.

"Uh… 6pm… at uh... AJ's condo. Don't bring any reporters ok? Thanks man."

"Whatever," Aaron said, cutting him off before he hung up abruptly.

Despite Aaron's rudeness, Kevin managed to forge a smile. He'd invite the guys over and maybe Howie could get his job back. At least then, they wouldn't all be losers.

***

Instantly, Kevin drove home in blind confusion about his pathos. He was upset something was bothering AJ, happy he was ok, happy that tonight he could speak with Aaron and Johnny, that he could possibly get Howie's job back.

Being a Backstreet Boy was Howie's life. He had nothing else to fall back on. When Johnny fired him, he fell alright. Hard, on his back, onto nothing. If they weren't Backstreet Boys they weren't nothing.

AJ's quitting led to a helluva lot of things. Kevin's resigning and Howie being fired followed immediately. The entire situation had a gap in it that needed to be filled. The press needed answers from them, they were the center of attention, and perhaps then, Orlando wasn't the best place for them to be. Besides Howie, AJ had nothing but a brief mental history and an arrest. Sure, that'll look good on his resume. Kevin wasn't any better himself, all he had was the Backstreet. And now, he didn't even have them anymore.

Wasting no time when he returned home he called the rest of the guys and had them promise to meet there before six. Kevin was going to fix this mess for sure. He had no doubts. Well, at least he could try.

***

AJ and Aaron were on opposite ends spitting insult for insult. Brain and Howie were trying to rationalise, but they ignored them completely. "AJ, come on, don't do this, forget it," Brian begged, pushing him apart from Aaron.

"Man, fuck that Brian, I'm tired of this!" he yelled, tears rolling off his cheeks. He was screaming so hard his voice was gradually decreasing. His voice had already lost its tone, and was steady breaking. "You guys are just as big an asshole as Aaron! You always let him walk all over you, I'm sick of it!"

Suddenly, Brian stopped trying to hold him back, and for once, listened to what AJ had to say. "Why do you guys always let him do that?! Huh?! Why??" Brian fell silent.

By now, Brain was crying for AJ to stop. He didn't want to admit what AJ said was true, yet he didn't want to hear it. "Quit it AJ," he begged through cloudy eyes. "I dunno, quit it, just stop! Please!" His feet were slipping on the dew-covered grass, trying to push him back.

Faces were almost non-detectable if it weren't for a nearby street lamp. Kevin wasn't too far off, yelling at Johnny, while Nick and Howie argued with Aaron.

"No man, I'm not gonna stop, he ruined my life! My career! Look at me Brian, I ain't nothing!" he cried, trembling with each breath, it was almost as if he were hyperventilating. Brian, who was holding onto his jacket collar, felt the effect. Worried that he would collapse, he shoved AJ onto his car parked on the curb.

They were causing so much noise, a neighbor was out on his front lawn watching them. "AJ please," Brain pleaded, fearful tears gushing from his eyes. "He won't walk over us again..."

"You can't guarantee that!" He yelled suddenly.

Without warning, Aaron shoved Howie to the side and started after AJ, fists rearing, but AJ saw him before Brian did. Quickly shoving Brian out his way, he pulled out the gun from his pants and held it up in front of him.

***

Aaron stopped dead in his tracks and immediately raised his arms high. Brain gasped.

"Oh my God! Honey, call the cops!" the neighbor yelled, running back quickly into his house.

"Get him away from me!" AJ demanded with the little voice he had left. Kevin ran up beside Aaron and started to pull him away from AJ.

"AJ, AJ, don't do anything stupid, you don't wanna do that," Johnny coaxed, gesturing for him to put down the gun.

"Yeah Aaron. What else do you have to say to me now?" he rasped, his sweaty palms and trembling hands barely able to support the gun. His chest heaved, and all was silent watching AJ hold a gun directly at Aaron's head.

Everyone around him begun to plead with him to drop the gun. Even the crickets he thought were against him. Through his teary vision he saw the neighbor standing in his doorway on the phone with the cops; he saw Kevin staring disappointed at him; he heard Brian behind him lecturing and begging.
But mostly he saw Aaron scared enough to piss his pants, and he liked it.

"How's it feel Aaron? How's it feel to be scared? Huh? Tell me what's it like to know you life means absolutely jackshit? TELL ME HOW IT FEELS AARON! Do you like it?! 'Cause that's how I felt Aaron. That's how you made me feel. You didn't care then and I sure as hell don't care now!" he rasped, sweat rolling off every inch of his body.

Sweat mixing with tears, tears fusing with sweat, but mostly confusion consolidating with fear. AJ started to go blank and he panicked. He realised what he was doing and got scared. The cops were coming soon and he'd be arrested, again.

"Oh God, help me!" he screamed, lowering the gun slightly.

"I'll help you AJ," Brian volunteered, advancing toward him. But his actions only panicked AJ more.

"No! Get away from me!" he warned, trembling. Tried as he might, AJ couldn't move, he was reality disorientated.  

He saw Kevin running toward him and felt Brain's hand on his back, patting him gently but his actions were frustrating. He was shaking so badly… the trigger went off and Kevin jumped back surprised, trying to jump the bullet. It barely braised by him and went right through the living room window.

Thinking maybe he'd shot Kevin instead, AJ meant to drop the gun but Brain grabbing his hand to pull it out the way of Aaron only startled him and the trigger went off yet again.

***

Aaron fell to the ground like a brick, grabbing at his abdominal area, expression of fear on his face.

"- Oh my- oh my God! Aaron!" Nick shouted, running over to him. "AJ! What the fuck do think you're doing? Are you fucking crazy?!"

"I'm-I'm sorry?" AJ choked out.

Aaron was staring wide-eyed up at Nick hovering over him, shaking his body. Howie had run over to them, waving his hand in front of Aaron's face, snapping his fingers and calling his name repeatedly.

Kevin's mouth was hanging open, gaping at the bloody scene. "Someone call an ambulance!" Johnny ordered, shoving Howie aside to get a better look at Aaron.

"AJ! What the  hell? Oh my god!" Kevin screamed, snatching the gun from AJ and throwing it to the lawn.

"I didn't do it on purpose!"

"I told you to bring the damn thing back!" Kevin interrupted, shaking him violently.


What exactly were they upset about? Aaron hated them all and here he was shot down, and they were yelling at him. Nick was crying over Aaron, Kevin was just angry with him, AJ basically did them an accidental favor.


Speechless. Johnny was speechless. If AJ'd killed Aaron, his career was over. He stared at AJ being yelled at by Kevin, with a look of confusion and fear. Johnny was staring at him so hard his eyes could pierce his soul. He arose angrily, still staring at AJ.

"You son of a bitch," he growled to himself. He glared down at Aaron, throwing spasm like impulses, gagging. Was he already dying? Nick and Howie's hands and shirts were covered in blood, but they still held onto his Aaron's hands, coaxing him to pull through, and that the ambulance was coming soon.

Johnny walked away from that,- he didn't want his blood on him, any blood on him.

He looked down to the lawn, hand on his hip, rubbing his head; a migraine was slowly forming. Glimmering in the street light was silver handgun, reflecting into his eye. He looked over at it,- then up at AJ again. Fuck this. He was going to put AJ out of his misery for good.



"- AJ, just get back in the house. I can't even look at you!" Kevin barked, walking away from him. AJ didn't even say anything to him, he just watched him walk away. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands and moved off from the car to start for the house, head hung. His eyes trailed up the lawn to Aaron, lying paralysed spitting up bloody saliva.

Then he heard the sirens. God, he was going back to jail for something stupid; he shot Aaron Carter.

He glanced sadly up at Johnny, who was aiming the gun at him, and he stopped suddenly, frozen with fear.


Glancing quickly back over his shoulder, Kevin suddenly realised what was to become of the situation. Without hesitation, he charged at Johnny to intercept the aim.

Yet within that split second of thinking, just those very few seconds it took him to glance over his shoulder, and think, - before he was even halfway there, Johnny had pulled the trigger, too late.

Within that same instant, Howie and Nick shot their heads up from Aaron to see what had happened. Kevin stood there, waiting for AJ to fall; but he didn't. He stood there limply with his arms to his side, swaying slightly, glaring  blankly at Johnny as if confused.

"Oh my God!" Kevin gasped, mind and body racing.

"What the fuck?" Johnny thought, taking aim again.

This time Kevin didn't think, he just acted. Charging in a mad rage at Johnny, he took him down by the knees and wrestled the gun away from him.

Brian stared up at AJ from the ground. He threw himself down the moment he heard the gun go off. His heart was thumping so hard he thought he was going into cardiac arrest.

"AJ?" he called softly, crawling out from the shadow of the car on hands and knees. AJ's behaviour was odd. Suddenly, he dropped to his knees; almost robotically. "AJ?! What's wrong man??" Brain asked frantically, expecting an answer.

AJ fell non-reluctantly face first into the lawn, like a dummy. "Oh God, AJ!!" Brian cried, getting up finally and running to him. He grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him back onto his knees, shaking his limp body. "AJ! AJ! What's wrong?!" he asked, shaking him angrily for attention. He turned AJ around to look at him. Thick blood poured heavily from ither side of his mouth, rolling off his chin and dripping onto the grass.

"NO!!" Brian screamed in disbelief. "Help! Someone help him! Please help!" he pleaded, crying on AJ. His body was beginning to get heavy.

"AJ! Fight it AJ!" he demanded, slapping him harshly,  beckoning him to fight for his life. But his body remained limp and heavy in Brian's arms. Realising that AJ was about to die in his arms, he dropped him, tears rolling from his eyes, wailing escaping his lips.

His rapidly icing body shook violently indicating nerve shutdown, and his eyes, before they rolled back into his head, Brian saw a slight smile, as the corners of AJ's mouth tilted upward, slightly, signalling happiness. And Brian watched confused, petrified, yet amazed as AJ took his last struggling breaths.

***

Brian felt a heavy hand pull him away from AJ's body. The ambulance had arrived, but Brian didn't move his gaze away from his body, he saw his chest rise, then fall, and it never rose again. He had watched AJ die. And though he didn't know possible, Brain blacked out from sadness.

***

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