Forgiveness

By Chelsea

He stared out the window in complete silence, his sapphire gaze unwavering as he watched the rain fall. It always seemed to be raining nowadays Maybe it was a sign. Or perhaps it was just pure irony. His features twisted up into a feeble scoff before the expression fell away, almost as if it required too much energy to keep it there. Moving to sit on the window sill, he brought his legs up under him, crisscrossing them as he leaned back against the cool exterior of the wall. Bringing a hand up, he absently rubbed his temple, trying to soothe the mounting tension that was trying to transition its way into a headache. With a small sigh, his hand fell into his lap, he knew it was no use. His head hadn’t stopped pounding it what seemed to be the last two weeks. And he knew exactly why.

“Because I fucked up.” He murmured to himself, banging his head lightly against the wall, a short wince pulling at his handsome face. Not smart. Raking a hand through his hair, he tugged on it softly, wishing he could slow his thoughts down. Lately, they seemed to be moving at such a furious pace that he couldn’t even distinguish one real thought from another. “If only there was something I could change.” His eyes shot open as something hit him in the leg, his gaze darting downwards, a small sad smile appearing on his face. “Hey little man.” He drawled, his smile growing a bit as Baylee raised his hands up expectedly. Brian complied, leaning over and pulling his son up into his lap. He gently hugged the little boy close, his eyes wandering back to the rain lightly hitting the window before him. “Your Daddy doesn’t know what to do.”

“Do?” Baylee gurgled, his hands finding Brian’s cross and tugging on it lightly as he wiggled around in his father’s lap, trying to get comfortable.

“No. I don’t know what to do.” The southerner sighed, tousling his son’s curls. “I just wish I could tell him how sorry I am.”

“Daddy sorry.”

“Yeah,” Brian whispered, “So sorry. But there’s nothing I can do.” He felt a lump form in his throat and he squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to stay strong. A few tears slipped out, sliding down his cheeks and landing on Baylee’s own. A ragged gasp escaped Brian as he choked back a sob, trying to keep his composure.

“Daddy cry?” Baylee’s hands found Brian’s face, gently touching it and Brian simply nodded as he began to cry, burying his head into his son’s shoulder as he rocked him tenderly, pulling him closer. “No cry. No.” The child mumbled, patting his dad’s head as he looked around the room.

“Brian? Sweetie, AJ is on the phone. Where-” Leighanne stopped short as she rounded the corner into the room, her heart breaking as she spotted her husband. “Oh baby,” She sighed, walking over to Brian.

“Mommy!” Baylee squealed, banging lightly on Brian’s chest as he tried to free himself from his father’s grip. “Mommy, Daddy cry.” A wavering smile fell across Leighanne’s features and she nodded slowly.

“I know honey.”

“Why cry?” Baylee asked as his arms rose, waiting for Leighanne to pick him up. She did so, holding the phone in one hand as she scooped her son up, balancing him on her hip. “Why?”

“Because you’re Daddy had a fight with Uncle Nicky and he feels very bad.”

“Cle’ Nicky?”

“That’s right sweetheart.” Leighanne whispered, blinking back her own tears. “Bri, baby, do you want to talk to AJ? Or should I tell him it’s not a good time?” She gestured towards the phone with a sympathetic smile, and Brian finally looked up, his face tear stained as he sniffled.

“I’ll talk to him.” She handed him the phone, kissing him on the cheek as she did so, a soft, ‘I love you’, whispered in his ear before she walked from the room with Baylee, leaving him alone. “Hello?” His voice emerged rough and soft, his southern twang more pronounced and he cleared his throat. “AJ?”

“Hey Rok.” Came the greeting. “How are you?”

“I’ve been better.”

“Can’t argue with that one.” The rebel sighed. “Listen Bri, um, Howie and I have been talking and we think, look, this whole thing with you and Nick, maybe if you go talk to him, you know? Explain everything you need to…maybe it would help?”

“And how would that help AJ?” Brian demanded, “It won’t make a difference.”

“Brian, I’ve talked to him. So has Howie and Kevin. He will listen to you….he’s waiting for you. I know it, we all do. Even if he never said he was.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“What else left do you have to lose?” AJ finally said after a moment of silence. “You’ve always been about faith Brian, don’t you have any in your friendship with Nicky?”

“Of course I do!” Brian snapped. “That’s not the point and you know it! I can’t live in a fantasy world AJ! I can’t pretend its all okay.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

“You don’t know what you’re asking.”

“We’ve all said our apologies Rok. It’s time you did the same. It’s been almost two weeks Bri….you’ve got to talk to him.”

“I-”

“Talk to him Brian. You know where to find him, just give it a shot.” AJ interrupted. “I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.” And with that, he hung up, leaving Brian open mouthed as he brought the phone away from his ear, staring at it in shock for a moment before clicking it off. With a shake of his head, he sat back again, replaying the conversation in his mind before making decision about what he wanted to do and rising to his feet. Grabbing his jacket and his keys, he made his way downstairs, finding Leighanne sitting on the floor, playing with Baylee.

“Hey baby.” She greeted, looking up her smile faltering when she saw Brian’s coat. “Where are you going?”

“To talk to Nick.” Leighanne’s eyes widened slightly and she got to her feet, nodding slowly.

“It’s pouring.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Brian shrugged, pulling on his jacket. “I have to talk to him Leigh. I’ve got to get this out of my system.”

“Bri, I don’t think it’s been long enough. I mean-”

“Honey, if I don’t do this now, I never will.” He sighed, raking a hand through his hair. “I know I’ve been distant lately and it’s not going to stop unless I go over there and talk to him.”

“It’s understandable for you to be distant Brian.” Leighanne murmured, pulling her husband into a hug. “After all he w-”

“Don’t say it Leigh. Please.” She let out a sigh and hugged him tight, glancing at Baylee for a moment before planting a kiss on Brian’s cheek.

“Go.” She whispered. “Do what you need to do. Just be careful in this weather, okay?”

“I love you.” The Kentuckian mumbled, kissing her sweetly.

“I love you too.” He pulled away with a small smile, pulling his car keys out of his pocket and heading for the door.

“Baby?” Brian turned at the address, waiting expectedly. “Just remember, it wasn’t your fault. Okay? None of you were at fault.” He let out a long sigh,

“I don’t know about that Leigh.” Was all he said before giving her a small smile and then heading out of the house. Jumping into his car, he allowed himself to be on autopilot, not needing to think about where he was going, having been there so many times. Brian reached his destination quickly, hearing the gravel crunch under his wheels as he pulled into the driveway, shutting the engine off. Letting out a large breath, he sat back in the seat, trying to gather his thoughts. The ringing of a cell phone cut through his silence and he yanked it out of his pocket with a small frown. “Hello?”

“Hey Bri.”

“What’s up Kev?”

“I just got done talking to AJ.” Kevin sighed. “Listen, about what he suggested-”

“I’m already here.”

“You are?”

“Yeah.” Brian nodded, looking out his window, his heart skipping a beat as he briefly looked at his surroundings. “I decided it was time I talked to him.”

“Brian,” Kevin began, his voice sympathetic. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Like AJ said, what else do I have to loose Kevin?”

“I-”

“I’ll call you when I get back home.”

“Alright Brian. Alright.” The older man relented, disconnecting the phone call with a large sigh. Brian simply shoved the phone back into his pocket, opening up the car door and stepping from the vehicle. The rain soaked him almost immediately but he didn’t care as he made his way across the grass, his feet making squelching noises as they left indents in the mud. He entered the building slowly, shoes squeaking as he walked along the quite hallways. Brian found Nick immediately, despite the fact that he never really had paid attention to where specifically he was. With a muted sigh, he stood before his friend, his eyes on the ground.

“Hey Frack.” Shuffling back and forth on his feet, he heaved a long breath. “Listen, I know you won’t talk to me but just promise you’ll listen to me, okay?” He was met with silence, aside from the rain fall outside and nodded. “Okay. Nicky, you know I hate fighting with you.” Brian began, his eyes not leaving the ground as he spoke. “And our last fight, god it was so stupid. I’d give anything to take it all back. Anything.”

Flashback

“What the hell was that Nick?” Kevin was demanding as they all made their way into the back room of the arena.

“What the hell was what Kevin?”

“That!” The eldest gestured, pointing the stage doors. “That weak ass, bullshit performance you just gave?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about you being off key, off beat and just an asshole on stage tonight!”

“Screw you Kev,” Nick muttered, sinking down onto the couch. “You’re over reacting.”

“No he isn’t.” Brian frowned, rounding the corner with Howie & AJ, after hearing most of the conversation, “You’re performance tonight wasn’t stellar Nick. It hasn’t been the past couple of weeks either.”

“I’ve been tired.”

“Well maybe if you stopped partying so damn much, you wouldn’t be.” AJ put in, rolling his eyes. “You think?”

“Fuck off.” The blonde retorted, glaring at his older friend.

“Nick!” Howie reprimanded. “Look, AJ has a point. You’re getting way too wild for your own good. Your priorities are all messed up. You’re not putting any effort into this group anymore.”

“I am too.”

“No you’re not.” Brian shook his head. “And if you are, it’s pretty half assed.”

“Excuse me?” Nick hissed. “You should be one to talk! All your attention is on your damn wife and son. Don’t even talk to me about not putting effort into the group. Maybe if you spent less time screwing Leighanne and less time babying Baylee, you’d see how much you ignore this group.”

“Don’t you dare talk about them like that!” Brian was in front of Nick in a heartbeat, his eyes blazing as he looked down at his friend. “You’ve becoming a cocky little arrogant shit Carter.” The Kentuckian growled. “And I’m not about to put up with it anymore.”

“So don’t.” Nick snapped, rising to his feet and towering over his older friend. He gave Brian a small shove backwards. “Get out of my face.”

“What the fuck is your problem?” AJ demanded as he took Brian’s spot before Nick, his brown eyes narrowed. “You think you’re better than all of us or something?”

“I never said that.”

“Well you sure as hell act like it.” Kevin supplied, rolling his own eyes. “Time to grow up Nick. You’ve got to learn where your priorities-”

“Oh please, spare me the lecture.” Nick sarcastically begged, shaking his head in disgust. “None of you know what the fuck you’re talking about. Especially you.” He nodded at Brian.

“You need to get your head out of you ass Nick,” AJ muttered, “Seriously. Cuz none of us are liking watching your bullshit lately.”

“Then don’t look at me.”

“Oh so mature.” Brian huffed, his blue eyes rolling up in annoyance. “Why don’t you just head back to the hotel Nick. Get out of here. I don’t even want to see you right now.”

“Fine by me.” Nick shrugged, turning on his heel and storming out of the room, the door slamming behind him.

“Asshole.” Brian spat. “God, I’m getting sick of his crap.”

“We all are.” Kevin sighed. “Let’s head back ourselves though. It’s getting late.” They were changed and back to the hotel a few hours later, all of them settled in their own room. Brian was clicking through the television channels, humming softly as he tried to find something to watch, his thoughts stuck on the fight he had had with Nick. The blonde was doing nothing but frustrating him lately. And the more he tried to talk to him, the more distant Nick became. Or the more he partied. A knock on the door dragged him from his thoughts and he pushed himself up with a grunt,

“Coming! I’m coming!” He yelled as the knocking continued. He found Kevin on the other side of the door, looking pale and worried. “Kev? Is something wrong?”

“Brian,” Kevin choked out, his eyes watering as he pulled his cousin into a hug. Brian frowned, his heart pace quickening as he half hugged the older man back.

“Um, I love you too Kev.”

“He never made it back to the hotel Brian.” The older man breathed, pulling away, his hands resting on Brian’s shoulders.

“What are you talking about?”

“Nick. He never made it back to the hotel.”

“I don’t-”

“There was an accident Brian.” Brian’s eyes went wide and he almost fell over on the spot, his mouth falling open.

“W-what kind…is he okay?” Kevin’s eyes fell to the floor and Brian felt his heart stop. “Kevin, is he okay?! Oh god, tell me Nick is okay!”

“We’ve got to go.” Was all Kevin said softly, puling Brian out of the room. “AJ and Howie are waiting in my room.”

“Go? Go where?”

“To see if…” The older man let the sentence fall away to silence and shook his head. “We’ve got to go.” He repeated.

“To see if what? Kevin? If what?” Kevin didn’t answer his question, simply

pushing Brian down the hallway, trying all the while to hold back his tears.

End flashback

“I just wish I could let you know how sorry I am.” Brian mumbled, shaking his head slowly. “I hope you know Frack. I never meant for anything like this to happen…if only I hadn’t have told you to leave. You’d still…we wouldn’t…god,” He trailed off, trying to choke down his tears. “I wish you would talk to me. I remember back in the day when we’d fight and then make up like 10 minutes later. Remember that Nicky?” A weak smile surfaced on Brian’s features and he let out a small laugh. “Like the time I lied and told you AJ was my new best friend. You got so mad at me! But you forgave me like 5 minutes later when I gave you that new Nintendo game. We were always fighting about silly things.” The smile fell away and Brian shook his head, “This time wasn’t supposed to be any different.” A tear slipped down is cheek and the southerner felt his words catch in his throat, his eyes rising to gaze at his best friend. “Oh god, Nicky…it wasn’t suppose to be like this. We weren’t supposed to be like this. It’s not fair! We’ve already been through so much…Frack…if only you would say something. I just want things back to the way they were.” A sob shook Brian and he bowed his head, covering his face with his hands as he cried, his body shaking. “I’m sorry Nick! Oh god, I’m so sorry! You’ve got to forgive me…you’ve got to tell me you forgive me!” Silence hovered over him and Brian let out a small cry, “Dammit Nick! This wasn’t how it was supposed to be! We’re supposed to be forever! Don’t you remember? How am I supposed to be Frick without my Frack? How are we gonna be the Backstreet Boys without our Nicky?” Brian’s voice fell to a whisper as he tried to get in a breath, “And how am I supposed to live without my baby brother?” Letting out another sob, his sapphire eyes gazed at the scene before him, wishing upon everything and anything that he could change what was in front of his eyes.

“Sir?” Brian whipped around at the voice, sniffling as he squinted to see who was talking to him. “You’re going to need to leave in a few minutes.” He managed a small nod at the woman, who nodded back before walking down another hallway and disappearing from site. Wiping his face, Brian took in a shaky breath, stepping forward.

“I miss you Nicky.” He breathed, running his hands over the cool exterior, his fingers tracing the lettering of the name he knew so well. “So much.” Moving forward a little more, he placed a small kiss against the tombstone, “Goodbye Frack.” Turning away, he walked out of the building, through the outdoor section of the cemetery and back to his car. Opening the door, he paused, the rain had stopped, a light breeze carrying the scent of wet grass around him. He had thought he heard something. Closing his eyes, he tried his best not to move, listening intently to the cool night air. And then he heard it, clearly amongst the breeze, almost as if he was standing right next to him, his heart feeling as though it would burst from the amount of emotion running through it.

“I forgive you.”

The End

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