Chapter 15
I don't quite know how to say, how I feel.
Those three words, I've said too much, though not enough.
If I lay here, if I just lay here,
Would you lie with me and just forget the world.
I laid in bed and listened to the song
that was playing on the alarm clock. It was ironic that Chasing Cars would be the
first song I would hear this morning. I would have given anything to just lay
there in bed all day and forget the world... forget what I would be doing in a
few short hours. I rolled over and watched Nick sleeping for a few minutes. He
was lying on his back his mouth opened wide and he was snoring like a buzz saw.
I laughed as I rolled back to my side and hit the off button on the alarm. I
threw the covers off and climbed out of bed shivering as my body hit the cold
morning air. Winter was definitely upon us now. I grabbed my clothes off the
dresser and quietly headed for the shower. I could hear Kahlua barking
downstairs but this morning she would have to wait.
I stripped off my pajamas and stood in
front of the bathroom mirror for a long time looking at the woman staring back
at me. I hardly recognized myself anymore. I was thin and pale and my arms were
bruised from the various testing the doctors had done over the past few days.
The long, beautiful blonde hair that I'd once loved so much was gone and now my
bald head was covered in specks of peach fuzz. I opened the medicine cabinet
and grabbed my morning meds, ten of them, and swallowed them all in three
swallows. I had learned early on that taking them one at a time would take all
day.
I turned the water on as hot as I
could stand and climbed into the tub. I hated these days. My head was aching
already and I knew that I would feel one hundred times worse by nightfall. I
sat down on the tiled floor and let myself cry. It was something I hadn't done
in a long time, something I didn't like to do often, but today I needed it.
I heard the bathroom door squeak open
and saw his face appear in the doorway. "Can I join you?" He said as
he peered in.
He took one look at me sitting there
on the shower floor, tears streaming down my face and asked no more questions.
He entered the bathroom and quickly came to the tub, sliding his body down
behind mine and leaning me back into his chest. He rubbed my shoulders gently
and kissed the top of my head.
"You alright?" He finally
said after a few moments of sitting there listening to me cry.
"I hate this Nick." I
answered dropping my head and covering my face with my hands.
"Baby I know. I hate it too, but
I'm here this time. I'll be here with you the whole time. This is it baby, no
more after this round... you're done." He turned me to face him and looked
into my eyes. I sighed and tried to smile.
"I love you," He told me
that a thousand times a day now and it never got old.
I looked back at him and wiped my eyes
with the back of my wrist. He was right, this was the last round of
chemotherapy, but I was scared. I couldn't get it out of my mind how bad the
last round had been and how awful I'd felt. I'd honestly thought I was going to
die. Then there was the fact that even though this was my last round of
chemotherapy for right now, that didn't mean anything. They'd been running
tests for days now, blood tests, cat scans, MRI's, and I knew that those were
the tests that would decide my fate. Those were the tests that would say
whether or not all of this had done anything to make this cancer go away. If
not... well then, more chemo, more radiation... or worse.
I hated cancer more than anything in
the world right now and I wanted my life back.
"I love you too." I told him
as I crawled into his arms and cried.
~~~~~~~
I stared at the clock on the wall,
11:15. The nurse had come in about an hour ago and started my chemotherapy
treatment. I had watched her hang the bag of medication on the IV pole and
rolled my eyes at the fact that it had said "Caution, hazardous
chemicals." It was strange to think how many poisons had been pumped into
my body in the past seven months in an attempt to save my life. What wasn't
funny was what those poisons did to my body.
I looked out the window beside my
chair, it was snowing outside. No more than a flurry, Lexington never got more
than a flurry, but it looked beautiful from where I sat. I breathed in and
tried to take my mind off the medication that was seeping its way through my
veins. The emesis basin and can of 7-up on the table beside me made that a
little bit difficult to do. I already felt queasy and I grabbed for the 7-up
taking small sips to steady my stomach, knowing full well I'd be putting the
basin to use before too long.
Nick had run down to the cafeteria for
lunch knowing that I couldn't stand the sight or even the thought of food at
the moment. He didn't want to leave me but I'd assured him I'd be okay for a
little while. I was used to this part by now and I knew it couldn't be easy
watching someone you love go through this. Hell, it certainly wasn't easy going
through it myself.
I glanced around the room at all of
the decorations on the walls. The room was usually pretty dull but today there
were pictures of pumpkins and pilgrams and indians and turkeys scattered
throughout. A sure sign that Thanksgiving was upon us. I hated the idea that
for the first time in my life I'd be missing out on one of my favorite
holidays. Usually we all gathered at my grandparents house and Brian and
Leighanne came into town with Baylee. Kevin would be there with his family and
I would see all of my cousins and aunts and uncles. This year however I knew I
wouldn't be up for a big meal and family. I looked at the calender. Today was
friday, my last treatment would be next wednesday and Thanksgiving was on
thursday. I'd likely be in bed recovering from chemo while everyone else was
eating turkey and dressing and my alltime favorite, dumplings.
Brian and Leighanne were spending the
holiday with the Wallace's this year and Kevin and Kristin had decided to go
visit her family so at least I didn't feel like I would be missing out on too
much. Nick said he was planning a little something, but mostly we'd resigned
ourselves to the fact that we'd spend a quiet day together just resting,
relaxing and watching the Macy's parade on tv.
I sighed and rubbed my stomach. It was
protesting with each sip of soda I took. I hit the nurses button and waited for
her to come so that I could go ahead and ask for my anti-nausea medication. I
don't know why I bothered, it wouldn't work anyway. I pulled out my journal and
pen and decided to make a new entry;
November 21st,
Today is the beginning of the end of
my journey with cancer.
The doctors are running tests,
checking to see if the chemos have made any difference. Either way I think this
is the end. If it helped then I'll consider it a miracle and I'll do whatever I
need to do to continue to get better. If it hasn't... well... I don't think I
can do this anymore.
I'm tired. I can't go through this
again.
I closed the journal and tied it shut.
I wasn't sure exactly what I'd just written down, but it felt like I was giving
up. I really didn't want to do this anymore. I shut my eyes and leaned back
against the chair. I decided that it was okay to write it down and get it out.
I needed to get it out somehow. I knew in my heart that it wasn't what I really
wanted, that I was just exhausted and in those moments I often felt I couldn't
go on.
I knew in my heart that I wasn't
really giving up.
I couldn't do that to him.
***
