By Kate
(The Backstreet Boys and N’Sync
are in a classroom, all except Lance. He
stands at the podium in front with an ugly black and white dress and heavy
makeup. He brings out a chart and reads it.)
Lance: Today’s
hall monitor is… (Looks at the last name,
“Howard Dorough”. His eyes widen and he whispers:) Howie? (looks up and speaks) Kevin! Kevin is the new hall moniter!
Kevin:
I’ve…done…it…five…times…al…ready.
Lance: Brian!
Brian: (looking up from his Bible) No way, Mrs.
Bass!
Lance: Justin!
Justin: Mah hair be too beautiful to be da hall monider!
What if id gaht dirty? Ah’d
just die!
Lance: Chris!
JC: He
graduated!
(by this time, Howie is up at Lance’s side, poking him.
Lance sighs heavily)
Lance: Oh, all
right. The new hall moniter
is… (gulps hard) Howie.
(Howie’s eyes get wide and his legs are sucked into his
body. Flames erput from the spots where his legs were
and he bursts around the room.)
Howie:
YAAAAA-HOOOOOOO!!! (he comes back down
and his legs regenerate. Lance hold out the hat and belt to him.) I can’t
accept those yet, Mrs. Bass! I have to
make my hall moniter speech. (he talks for the rest of the class day) In conclusion… (the bell rings and everyone rushes out,
cheering wildly. Howie goes to the door and looks depressed. Lance comes up
beside him.) I guess I overdid the speech, huh? (sighs heavily) Ah, well. (he looks to the hall moniter
hat and belt) I hardly knew ya. (he
begins to walk away)
Lance: Howie,
wait.
Howie: (looks back) Yes, Mrs. Bass?
Lance: (hesistates) I…I guess
I can let you wear them for the day.
Howie: (races back up and snatches the hat and belt
and puts them on quickly) Thanks, Mrs. Bass! (he runs off)
Lance: What are
the consequences of what I’ve just done?
(Howie is walking down the sidewalk, humming happily. He comes to an intersection. The streetlights
are broken and the cars are stuck.)
Howie: Broken
traffic lights! Who’s to say my hall moniter duties can’t exist just because the bell rang?
(he appears in the intersection with a whistle. He directs
the cars for awhile. When he’s done, he smiles in satisfaction and dusts his
hands off.)
Howie: What would
this town do without ya, Howie?
(as he walks, the same cars he directed have crashed and
people scream and moan. A man can be heard shouting, “My leg! My leg!” Howie walks away from it and then
stumbles upon a melted patch of ice cream.)
Howie: Spilled
ice cream! (he reaches down and wipes
some off with his finger. Sticking his finger in his mouth, he tastes it.)
Hmmm…strawberry! (he gets hit with
another glob of melted ice cream from above. He looks up and sees Nick on a
brick wall above him. The screen flashes to Nick, who licks his ice cream
contentedly.)
Howie: Nick!
(Nick stops licking the ice cream and looks around.)
Howie: Nick!
(Nick looks at his ice cream cone and pokes it.)
Howie: Nick!!
Nick: AHH! My
ice cream!! IT’S….ALIIIIVVVEEE!!! (he
drops it in his horror)
Howie: Nick, I’m
down here.
Nick: (looking down) Oh, hi Howie! (he jumps down from the wall onto Howie. He
looks around for him.) Howie?
Howie: You’re
sitting on me, Nick.
(Nick gets up and looks at Howie, who’s squashed flat.)
Nick: You look
funny, Howie!
Howie: (plops back up and writes on a pad of paper) That’s
Hall Moniter Dorough to you!
Nick: Sorry,
officer.
Howie: Nick,
you’ve comitted a serious crime.
Nick: I did?!
(Howie points at the spilled ice cream and the cone
nearby.)
Nick: Oh, I’m a
failure! I don’t wanna go to jail!
(suddenly, a newspaper boy runs up to them and hands Howie
a newspaper. He then runs off.)
Howie: (reading) Maniac hits Orlando…car
wrecks…! (gasps) Who better to bring
this maniac to justice than the Hall Moniter?? But I
can’t do it alone… (he looks at Nick)
Are you ready to give up your days of crime?
Nick: (sobbing) I wanna be good!
Howie: Now you
just need a symbol of authority.
(Nick picks up the ice cream cone and sticks it on his
head. He winks and points to it.)
Howie:
Great! Now, you’re an ex-criminal. What would you do?
Nick: Hmmm…I’d
get an ice cream!
(Nick and Howie walk out of an ice-cream shop, licking
their cones. They stop at the sidewalk and Howie looks at Nick.)
Howie: Okay, now
what?
Nick: Hmm…
(Nick and Howie walk out of the ice cream shop again,
licking the cones. They stop and Howie
throws his ice cream out.)
Howie: This isn’t
working. We need to do
something…something with… (He pulls out
two walkie-talkies) walkie-talkies! (He
hands one to Nick, who gasps and hugs it close) You go that way… (Points right) and I’ll go, uh…some
other way. If you see the maniac, put on
your siren. (He runs off with his
walkie-talkie) Whee-whoo, whee-whoo,
whee-whoo, whee-whoo… (whee-whoo’s fade
away as he disappears. A police car pulls up to Nick, still standing at the ice
cream shop.)
Nick: Hello,
brothers. (He points to the cone on his
head and raises his eyebrows twice. The policemen roll their eyes.)
Policeman
1: Yeah. Son, we’re looking
for the maniac. Have you seen… (The policeman beside him holds out a crude
sketch of Howie) THIS MAN?!
Nick: AAAHHHH!!!
IT’S THE MANIAC!!! Take him away, take him away!!
Policeman
2: (takes the drawing away)
Calm down, son. It’s just a drawing.
Now, we’re going to show you this picture again, and you’ll tell us if
you’ve seen this man. Understand?
Nick: (thinks for a bit, then nods) Uh-huh,
okay.
(The policemen show him the picture)
Nick: AHH!
HORRIBLE!!
(The policemen smirk at each other. They keep showing and hiding
the picture. Every time they bring it out, Nick screams. After awhile, they
stop.)
Policeman
1: Stay indoors, son.
Policeman
2: And, uh, take that cone off your head! (They drive away, laughing.)
(Nick gets out his walkie-talkie)
Nick: Nick to Howie,
come in Howie!
(The screen flashes to Howie, who takes out his
walkie-talkie)
Howie: This is
Howie. Report, deputy.
Nick: I don’t
wanna be a police officer anymore! I’m scared!
Howie: Get a hold
of yourself, deputy!
Nick: (sobs uncontrollably) I wanna go home!
Howie: (shakes his head, rolling his eyes with a
tiny smile. He winks a few times.) Oh, rookie. Okay, I’m on my way back. (He walks off. The screen flashes to Nick.)
Nick: Hurry,
Howie. I think it’s starting to get… (The
sun falls from the sky) dark.
Howie: Put on
your siren and I’ll come find you.
Nick: (weakly, walking around) Whee-whoo…whee-whoo…whee-whoo… (He spots
Howie under a streetlight, but he thinks it’s the maniac. He gets scared and
screams into the walkie-talkie.) WHEE-WHOO, WHEE-WHOO!!!!!! Howie, I see
the maniac!!
Howie: Where?
Where?!
Nick: At the
intersection of Justin’s and Ugly.
Howie: (looks at the green
street signs. He’s right at the intersection.) AHH! That’s where I
am!!! What’s he doing?
Nick: Nothing…he’s just standing there…MEANACINGLY! GET OUT OF
THERE, HOWIE!!!!!
(Howie throws down his walkie-talkie,
which still emits sounds, and runs around, screaming.)
Nick: That’s his maniac
shriek! Hide behind that sign! (Howie runs behind the sign.) No, wait! The maniac’s there! Oh, get behind that house! (Howie runs
behind the house.) AHH! The maniac’s there, too!! GET AWAY,
HOWIE!
(Howie stuffs himself in a mailbox and
then settles down contentedly. An extra walkie-talkie comes in with static. He
takes it out of his pocket.)
Howie: Say again, deputy?
Nick: The maniac is in
the mailbox!
(Howie bursts his arms and legs
through the mailbox, the slot coming out for his eyes. He runs around,
screaming bloody murder. He runs through houses, causing them to fall. He
finally trips and smashes the mailbox into pieces. A sketch of the maniac falls
on his face. He picks it up and looks at it.)
Howie: Say, this guy’s not
bad looking for a maniac. (Winks a few times more) Wait a
minute… (Suddenly recognizes his face) I’m the
maniac!!
(Nick screams at the picture. Police
cars and policemen surround Howie after Nick screams. One policeman steps
forward.)
Policeman: We’ll take
that as a confession.
Lance: (pushes his
way through to the front and stands in front of Howie) Howard Dorough! I take my eyes off you for one second and you destroy
half the city! What do you have to say for yourself?! (He takes
the hat and belt away.)
Policeman: You know
this guy?
Lance: Of course.
I’m the one who gave him the job as hall monitor. He’s MY responsibility! Oops…
(Back in the classroom, Lance’s voice is heard as the
camera pans over to Howie, who furiously takes notes)
Lance: In
conclusion, students: One plus two is three, and two plus one is three. And
Howard?
Howie: (looks up nervously) Yes, Mrs. Bass?
Lance: I’d like to see you after class… (The camera goes to her, in jail, facing a
camera that shows her to the class) six months from now.
The End