The Hall Monitor

 

By Kate

 

 

 

Act I; Scene I

 

(The Backstreet Boys and N’Sync are in a classroom, all except Lance.  He stands at the podium in front with an ugly black and white dress and heavy makeup. He brings out a chart and reads it.)

 

Lance: Today’s hall monitor is… (Looks at the last name, “Howard Dorough”. His eyes widen and he whispers:) Howie? (looks up and speaks) Kevin!  Kevin is the new hall moniter!

 

Kevin: I’ve…done…it…five…times…al…ready.

 

Lance: Brian!

 

Brian: (looking up from his Bible) No way, Mrs. Bass!

 

Lance: Justin!

 

Justin: Mah hair be too beautiful to be da hall monider! What if id gaht dirty? Ah’d just die!

 

Lance: Chris!

 

JC: He graduated!

 

(by this time, Howie is up at Lance’s side, poking him. Lance sighs heavily)

 

Lance: Oh, all right.  The new hall moniter is… (gulps hard) Howie.

 

(Howie’s eyes get wide and his legs are sucked into his body. Flames erput from the spots where his legs were and he bursts around the room.)

 

Howie: YAAAAA-HOOOOOOO!!! (he comes back down and his legs regenerate. Lance hold out the hat and belt to him.) I can’t accept those yet, Mrs. Bass!  I have to make my hall moniter speech. (he talks for the rest of the class day) In conclusion… (the bell rings and everyone rushes out, cheering wildly. Howie goes to the door and looks depressed. Lance comes up beside him.) I guess I overdid the speech, huh? (sighs heavily) Ah, well.  (he looks to the hall moniter hat and belt) I hardly knew ya. (he begins to walk away)

 

Lance: Howie, wait.

 

Howie: (looks back) Yes, Mrs. Bass?

 

Lance: (hesistates) I…I guess I can let you wear them for the day.

 

Howie: (races back up and snatches the hat and belt and puts them on quickly) Thanks, Mrs. Bass! (he runs off)

 

Lance: What are the consequences of what I’ve just done?

 

 

Act I; Scene II

 

(Howie is walking down the sidewalk, humming happily.  He comes to an intersection. The streetlights are broken and the cars are stuck.)

 

Howie: Broken traffic lights!  Who’s to say my hall moniter duties can’t exist just because the bell rang?

 

(he appears in the intersection with a whistle. He directs the cars for awhile. When he’s done, he smiles in satisfaction and dusts his hands off.)

 

Howie: What would this town do without ya, Howie?

 

(as he walks, the same cars he directed have crashed and people scream and moan. A man can be heard shouting, “My leg!  My leg!” Howie walks away from it and then stumbles upon a melted patch of ice cream.)

 

Howie: Spilled ice cream! (he reaches down and wipes some off with his finger. Sticking his finger in his mouth, he tastes it.) Hmmm…strawberry! (he gets hit with another glob of melted ice cream from above. He looks up and sees Nick on a brick wall above him. The screen flashes to Nick, who licks his ice cream contentedly.)

 

Howie: Nick!

 

(Nick stops licking the ice cream and looks around.)

 

Howie: Nick!

 

(Nick looks at his ice cream cone and pokes it.)

 

Howie: Nick!!

 

Nick: AHH! My ice cream!! IT’S….ALIIIIVVVEEE!!! (he drops it in his horror)

 

Howie: Nick, I’m down here.

 

Nick: (looking down) Oh, hi Howie! (he jumps down from the wall onto Howie. He looks around for him.) Howie?

 

Howie: You’re sitting on me, Nick.

 

(Nick gets up and looks at Howie, who’s squashed flat.)

 

Nick: You look funny, Howie!

 

Howie: (plops back up and writes on a pad of paper) That’s Hall Moniter Dorough to you!

 

Nick: Sorry, officer.

 

Howie: Nick, you’ve comitted a serious crime.

 

Nick: I did?!

 

(Howie points at the spilled ice cream and the cone nearby.)

 

Nick: Oh, I’m a failure! I don’t wanna go to jail!

 

(suddenly, a newspaper boy runs up to them and hands Howie a newspaper. He then runs off.)

 

Howie: (reading) Maniac hits Orlando…car wrecks…! (gasps) Who better to bring this maniac to justice than the Hall Moniter?? But I can’t do it alone… (he looks at Nick) Are you ready to give up your days of crime?

 

Nick: (sobbing) I wanna be good!

 

Howie: Now you just need a symbol of authority.

 

(Nick picks up the ice cream cone and sticks it on his head. He winks and points to it.)

 

Howie: Great!  Now, you’re an ex-criminal.  What would you do?

 

Nick: Hmmm…I’d get an ice cream!

 

(Nick and Howie walk out of an ice-cream shop, licking their cones. They stop at the sidewalk and Howie looks at Nick.)

 

Howie: Okay, now what?

 

Nick: Hmm…

 

(Nick and Howie walk out of the ice cream shop again, licking the cones.  They stop and Howie throws his ice cream out.)

 

Howie: This isn’t working.  We need to do something…something with… (He pulls out two walkie-talkies) walkie-talkies! (He hands one to Nick, who gasps and hugs it close) You go that way… (Points right) and I’ll go, uh…some other way.  If you see the maniac, put on your siren. (He runs off with his walkie-talkie) Whee-whoo, whee-whoo, whee-whoo, whee-whoo(whee-whoo’s fade away as he disappears. A police car pulls up to Nick, still standing at the ice cream shop.)

 

Nick: Hello, brothers. (He points to the cone on his head and raises his eyebrows twice. The policemen roll their eyes.)

 

Policeman 1: Yeah.  Son, we’re looking for the maniac.  Have you seen… (The policeman beside him holds out a crude sketch of Howie) THIS MAN?!

 

Nick: AAAHHHH!!! IT’S THE MANIAC!!! Take him away, take him away!!

 

Policeman 2: (takes the drawing away) Calm down, son. It’s just a drawing.  Now, we’re going to show you this picture again, and you’ll tell us if you’ve seen this man. Understand?

 

Nick: (thinks for a bit, then nods) Uh-huh, okay.

 

(The policemen show him the picture)

 

Nick: AHH! HORRIBLE!!

 

(The policemen smirk at each other. They keep showing and hiding the picture. Every time they bring it out, Nick screams. After awhile, they stop.)

 

Policeman 1: Stay indoors, son.

 

Policeman 2: And, uh, take that cone off your head! (They drive away, laughing.)

 

(Nick gets out his walkie-talkie)

 

Nick: Nick to Howie, come in Howie!

 

(The screen flashes to Howie, who takes out his walkie-talkie)

 

Howie: This is Howie.  Report, deputy.

 

Nick: I don’t wanna be a police officer anymore! I’m scared!

 

Howie: Get a hold of yourself, deputy!

 

Nick: (sobs uncontrollably) I wanna go home!

 

Howie: (shakes his head, rolling his eyes with a tiny smile. He winks a few times.) Oh, rookie.  Okay, I’m on my way back. (He walks off. The screen flashes to Nick.)

 

Nick: Hurry, Howie. I think it’s starting to get… (The sun falls from the sky) dark.

 

Howie: Put on your siren and I’ll come find you.

 

Nick: (weakly, walking around) Whee-whoowhee-whoowhee-whoo(He spots Howie under a streetlight, but he thinks it’s the maniac. He gets scared and screams into the walkie-talkie.) WHEE-WHOO, WHEE-WHOO!!!!!! Howie, I see the maniac!!

 

Howie: Where? Where?!

 

Nick: At the intersection of Justin’s and Ugly.

Howie: (looks at the green street signs. He’s right at the intersection.) AHH! That’s where I am!!!  What’s he doing?

Nick: Nothing…he’s just standing there…MEANACINGLY! GET OUT OF THERE, HOWIE!!!!!

(Howie throws down his walkie-talkie, which still emits sounds, and runs around, screaming.)

Nick: That’s his maniac shriek! Hide behind that sign! (Howie runs behind the sign.) No, wait! The maniac’s there! Oh, get behind that house! (Howie runs behind the house.) AHH! The maniac’s there, too!! GET AWAY, HOWIE!

(Howie stuffs himself in a mailbox and then settles down contentedly. An extra walkie-talkie comes in with static. He takes it out of his pocket.)

Howie: Say again, deputy?

Nick: The maniac is in the mailbox!

(Howie bursts his arms and legs through the mailbox, the slot coming out for his eyes. He runs around, screaming bloody murder. He runs through houses, causing them to fall. He finally trips and smashes the mailbox into pieces. A sketch of the maniac falls on his face. He picks it up and looks at it.)

Howie: Say, this guy’s not bad looking for a maniac. (Winks a few times more) Wait a minute… (Suddenly recognizes his face) I’m the maniac!!

(Nick screams at the picture. Police cars and policemen surround Howie after Nick screams. One policeman steps forward.)

Policeman: We’ll take that as a confession.

Lance: (pushes his way through to the front and stands in front of Howie) Howard Dorough! I take my eyes off you for one second and you destroy half the city! What do you have to say for yourself?! (He takes the hat and belt away.)

 

Policeman: You know this guy?

 

Lance: Of course. I’m the one who gave him the job as hall monitor. He’s MY responsibility! Oops…

 

 

Act I; Scene III

 

(Back in the classroom, Lance’s voice is heard as the camera pans over to Howie, who furiously takes notes)

 

Lance: In conclusion, students: One plus two is three, and two plus one is three. And Howard?

 

Howie: (looks up nervously) Yes, Mrs. Bass?

 

Lance:  I’d like to see you after class… (The camera goes to her, in jail, facing a camera that shows her to the class) six months from now.

 

 

The End

 

 

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